Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Changing Your Trajectory to Live a Life of Purpose

    Changing Your Trajectory to Live a Life of Purpose

    Live on Purpose

    “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

    For a long time, I felt disconnected from my life. I’d spent most of it on autopilot, either regretting the past or dreaming about the future.

    I regretted being too afraid to read an essay at the monthly open mic near me for all those years. I thought a lot about writing without actually writing.

    I dreamed about a future me, totally transformed with much better hair, eagerly writing at a sunny cafe, the words flowing through my fingers easily, flawlessly.

    My approach to finding purpose in my career has been to pause, pay attention, and appreciate the journey. It’s subtle, like changing the trajectory of a rocket—a small adjustment or a few shifts make an enormous difference in the end result.

    Pause.

    My dad used to urge me to find my “calling” and offer my gifts to the world. This always intimidated me. What was my calling?

    To answer such a question, you have to relax and give yourself space, even if it’s just a breath. Before you decide to drop everything and make a drastic career move, pause.

    Take time to explore what makes you tick. What activities motivate you and give you moments of flow? What tasks drain you? Cut through the layers of caked on assumptions like: “I can’t consider taking a pay cut” or “A lateral move means I have failed.” Start your journey by stopping and letting go.

    For me, I’ve always both known I loved writing and that I would obviously never be qualified enough to do it professionally.

    I have been journaling since kindergarten, writing for as long as I’ve been able to. I have simultaneously been telling myself that under no circumstances should I dare to think of being an actual writer. I’m not smart enough or well-read enough or disciplined enough to make such a claim. A nice side trick, sure, but not something I could ever pursue professionally.

    Pay attention.

    Once the dust settles, you can start building self-awareness. It’s hard to find our purpose because we don’t really know ourselves. We don’t know what we genuinely like to do or why we do what we do. We never question what influences us.

    We end up in a career because our parents approved of it, because we thought it would be safe or because it was easy enough.

    There are many ways to develop self-awareness. Along with meditation, I recommend checking out a variety of online tools, including Imperative’s Purpose Pattern. Also, consider taking a look at StrengthsFinder, The Artist’s Way, The Enneagram Institute or Myers Briggs.

    If you are immediately turned off at the thought of self-reflection exercises, just notice that and be curious about it. Resistance is a powerful teacher when we pay attention.

    For me, I just started to notice that little naysayer voice. At first, I just heard it louder and louder. You are so not a writer. Nope, not a writer. Don’t even think that you ever could be.

    Eventually, I noticed how repetitive and boring it was. You are so not a writer. Nope, not a writer. Ugh—you again?! Don’t believe everything that you think.

    My friend sent me a job description for a “Communications Specialist.” I immediately laughed at her email. “I’m not qualified for that!” You are so not a writer. Nope, not a writer.

    A few hours later, after recognizing this stale voice as the same one that had been annoying me for years, I applied anyway

    Appreciate the journey.

    Humans are much bigger than cubicle walls and far more expansive than the margins of resumes.

    School, unfortunately, tends to instill a “ladder climbing” mentality—get good grades to get a good GPA to get a good job.

    What were you taught a “successful” career looks like? High pay? Stability? Title? If we are constantly focused on getting enough points to get to the next level, we will miss out on everything.

    I knew early on I wanted to work in the nonprofit sector as, what I assumed would be, a clear path to “make a difference” and “do good.” Of course, I immediately realized how fraught all those rosy intentions were, and how messy this business of “making things better” is.

    Like me, you may still get trapped worrying about if you’re “making a difference” in an appropriately prestigious enough way. You may still get trapped longing for stability and a sense that you are important in some way.

    Some research shows people are happier when they are present with their current experience, no matter what it is.

    Appreciate the mental grappling you’re doing, appreciate the uncertainty you feel, appreciate the questions you have. It all means you are alive and growing! Try to have compassion for those grappling with these questions too. He or she may be sitting in the cubicle next door.

    For my dad, it was always critical that I figure out what gifts I had to offer the world and offer them. Your gifts do not belong to you; you have to share them with the world.

    What he didn’t tell me is how much vulnerability and courage you need to actually do this. First, to acknowledge that yes, you have something unique to offer! (Terribly inconvenient.) Second, to actually offer it for people to accept or reject. (Terrifying.)

    While this idea of sharing my gifts was terrifying, it has also become the central theme of my career. I’ve now worked at several nonprofits helping people do just this by volunteering their talents to give back. And what an incredible way to give back!

    To me, volunteerism is one of the most underestimated resources we have. It seems quaint and suspiciously simple when, in fact, it’s revolutionary. Generosity sets things in motion. It creates a path where one wasn’t possible before. Unlike money, it doesn’t get used up—it renews itself. Magic. I guess this was what my dad was trying to tell me all along.

    Finding your purpose is most likely not going to be a “lightning strikes” moment. My experience has been much more nuanced, not linear and more red-ruby-slipper-like.

    Deep down, you already know what drives you; you just need to let it surface. (Hint: it might be the thing you are avoiding or too afraid to consider.) Nevertheless, the answer is waiting for you. Are you ready to find it?

    Live on purpose image via Shutterstock

  • You Must Grow Through Dirt

    You Must Grow Through Dirt

    You Must Grow Through Dirt

  • When You Feel Behind: Turning Envy into Positive Action

    When You Feel Behind: Turning Envy into Positive Action

    Excited Woman

    “It is the way that we react to circumstances that determines our feelings.” ~Dale Carnegie

    I can remember the incident so clearly.

    A few years ago, my friends and I were all sitting around a table in a restaurant. It was the holiday season, and I was in good spirits. It was nice to see everyone again. The snow was drifting gently outside, reminding me of eggnog and Christmas trees.

    After we ordered our food and took turns asking each other what we were up to, it was one of my friends’ turn to share. She casually mentioned that she recently got a job offer. Everyone looked up, in a mix of surprise and curiosity.

    “What company?” someone asked.

    She answered proudly, full of giddiness and excitement. As I looked around, I could see some expressions beginning to sour. As for me, it felt like a stone had just dropped in my stomach.

    I couldn’t believe it. Out of everyone I knew, she seemed the least likely person to get a prestigious job offer. My spirits were suddenly dampened as I tried to process what had just happened.

    All throughout dinner, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she had gotten a job offer from a company that I personally knew numerous other people had unsuccessfully applied to.

    I had tried for the longest time to obtain an interview from the firm, unsuccessfully. Meanwhile, she was failing many of her classes at the time, and seemed to have few relevant work experiences.

    It completely turned everything I had thought about life and careers upside down, as if all my efforts to secure relevant internships and achieve in my academic career had gone to waste. I felt like I had failed myself.

    Slowly, I shifted from blaming myself to blaming everything and everyone else around me. At the time, I told myself that things were simply not fair.

    It’s been a few years since then, and I’ve had many days to reflect upon this experience, as well as how I’ve grown since then. Here are some things I did to turn from envious to positive and the lessons I learned along the way.

    Focus on yourself.

    Harboring negative feelings toward others, whether it’s hate, contempt, or envy, takes up energy and ends up exhausting us. It’s unproductive and it doesn’t better our lives. If anything, people easily pick up on these unattractive, negative vibes.

    The most important part of ridding oneself of envy is changing the way we approach the situation. Realize that there is nothing you can to do change events outside your control. What you can do, however, is find ways to make changes in your own life.

    I was spending so much energy on someone else’s achievements that it took away energy from my own. After the feelings of envy and disappointment passed (as they always do), I decided to explore different ways of improving myself.

    I took up new activities, such as writing, and made an active effort to speak to different people from different walks of life to learn more about their experiences. Learning from others with more experience than me became a key theme in my life. I wanted to understand other people, their struggles, and how they overcame obstacles to become successful.

    When I became more productive and filled my schedule with things to do, it felt like I had less space and time in my calendar to be envious. I was too busy!

    Things are not always what they seem.

    When we talk to people, especially those whom we rarely see, we tend to highlight the best parts of ourselves and our lives. Just logging into a social media website shows this phenomenon.

    Similarly, you’ll likely only see the tip of the iceberg when you first talk to someone. Dig a little deeper and little specks will appear. Everyone’s life has both good and bad, but it’s unrealistic to compare our own lives, which we know inside out, to the shiny, clean surface of someone else’s.

    As for my friend’s situation, I truly do not know how she obtained an offer from the company. Perhaps they liked something they saw in her credentials, or she was a better fit. Maybe someone she knew vouched for her abilities.

    The point is, it doesn’t really matter for me. It’s so easy to wrack our brains over things that don’t fit within our worldview. Some things are difficult to understand, but we can do our best to acknowledge that we don’t have all the information at hand and try our best to work with what we do know.

    Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

    At the time, it felt like I was falling behind. Despite all my efforts, it was if someone had “leapfrogged” over me and was soaring ahead. I worried that setbacks would accumulate over time, and I would spend the rest of my life behind everyone else, always trying to catch up.

    How wrong I was.

    The thing is, life isn’t a straight line moving in one direction. It’s sort of like a stock market—wiggly and filled with ups and downs. It’s unpredictable, but if you focus on improving yourself, despite the ups and downs, the long-term trend will be upward.

    Envy is an unproductive feeling. It’s perfectly natural and happens to everyone, but it can consume our own lives to the point that it’s unhealthy. Envy is a feeling of helplessness.

    I learned that I have control over myself and my actions. I could take steps to improve myself by putting out a detailed action plan and implementing it.

    Make learning become a major theme in your life. Seek to learn from others’ successes and difficulties and apply them as lessons in your own life.

    Because regardless of the inevitable hurdles everyone faces, nothing can take away the knowledge one has gained from listening to others and the wisdom in knowing what to do.

    Excited woman image via Shutterstock

  • Using Social Media for Growth and Minimizing Its Negative Effects

    Using Social Media for Growth and Minimizing Its Negative Effects

    Like Button

    “Social media should improve your life, not become your life.” ~Patrick Driessen

    The summer after college, my best friend and I had many a girls’-night-in, largely to accommodate her new life as a single mother.

    These nights consisted of drinking wine and Facebook stalking anyone and everyone who went to our high school.

    One night we went as far as creating a false page representing a popular local bar so that we could peer into the lives of anyone our hearts desired without revealing ourselves as grade-A cyber stalkers.

    We spent a lot of our downtime that summer focusing on what other people were doing, and none of that focus prompted any kind of personal growth or increased self-worth on our ends.

    I know there are people out there who are masters of self-discipline when it comes to their devices and social media pages.

    These people put their phones down during dinner, turn them off to go to bed, and only check their social media pages during specified times during the day; they may go days or weeks without accessing their online profiles. I, however, am not one of them.

    I often find myself torn between the practical benefits of engaging with social media and the detrimental toll these same tools can take on my inner self.

    On the one hand, I rely on being able to access certain private pages for work, and I enjoy keeping in touch with long distance friends. On the other hand, compulsively checking my profiles on various devices often prevents me from living in the now.

    Over the years, I have deactivated and reactivated my social media accounts time and time again in an effort to break myself of my bad social media habits.

    For me, deleting my accounts helps me focus on the present moment and the goings on in my own life. However, I missed connecting with my friends and risked alienating myself from an ever-more-technological professional sphere.

    When I began a position with a company that all but requires the use of social media, I realized deleting and reactivating my accounts was no longer a solution to my social media problem.

    I found myself faced with the question: how do I use social media in a way that helps me grow, both professionally and personally, while minimizing the negative effects of overuse?

    Over the past year, I developed some strategies for increasing positive content presented to me through my social media accounts, while decreasing the material that leaves me feeling bad or distracted and creating greater awareness around my usage habits.

    1. “Follow” the blogs and websites you like to read.

    Your favorite blogs and websites often have social media counterparts to which you can subscribe. If you don’t have a running list of blogs and websites (I didn’t until about a year ago), spend an afternoon searching for content that interests or inspires you and then continue to add to it over time.

    I created a folder on my favorites bar containing links to literary journals, professional and personal development blogs, online learning websites, recipe guides, fitness videos, etc.

    As you scroll through your newsfeed, you’ll pause to read articles related to your interests that may help you grow, cause you to pause and reflect, or inspire you to begin a new project.

    Instead of spending an hour cyber stalking your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, who you saw in a picture with a mutual acquaintance, you may end up writing an article (like this one), bookmarking an interesting recipe, or sharing a funny video with a friend.

     2. Unfollow or block people who distract you.

    Do you find you criticize yourself after viewing your beautiful friend’s daily selfies? Do your brother’s travel photos make you lament your office job? Does your aunt’s constant complaining clog your newsfeed with negativity?

    Unfollow people whose posts—for whatever reason at all—typically make your mood take a turn for the worst or cause you to lose focus on your own goals. You can still access these people’s content by intentionally navigating to their profiles, but you remove the spontaneous mood killers throughout your social media usage.

    If the person isn’t someone you care to maintain any kind of connection with, you might want to think about blocking him or her. My Facebook block list is a mile long, and here’s an example as to why that is:

    I recently blocked my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend on Facebook.

    Blocking her was not something I needed to do to prevent her from contacting me; I have never interacted with this person firsthand. However, we share many mutual friends (both on Facebook and in life), and I realized that her comments and Facebook activity became distracting for me in a negative way.

    Blocking her prevented me from seeing comments she makes to mutual friends, prevented me from stalking her profile during insecure moments, and removed from my vision any pictures that she previously tagged my boyfriend in while they were dating.

    This was not an attempt to erase my boyfriend’s past, just a measure prevent me from returning to it in the present.

    The unfollow and blocking features are not indications that you do not like someone; they are tools you can use to filter content that you don’t need to see on a routine basis. Remember, you can always unblock a person or decide to follow him or her again later.

    3. Delete the mobile app from your phone (or at least put mobile apps in a folder).

    Use the web app instead of the mobile app. This requires you to open a web page and intentionally login to a social media account versus mindlessly checking the same profile you’ve viewed twenty times today already.

    If you cannot (or will not) forgo the features offered by the mobile app, group all your social media apps into a folder, and move that folder to the last page on your phone or tablet.

    Increasing the time and effort it takes for you to access for your social media accounts helps to create awareness around your actions.

    4. Create separate pages for different purposes.

    I have three different kinds of social media profiles. One I reserve for personal use; this is private profile I use to keep up with friends, follow celebrities just for fun, and access my favorite blogs on any topic under the sun. The other two profiles are public: one I use for business purposes, and the other is dedicated to art.

    Having different focuses for each of your profiles gives you a direction for your social media use. Instead of using three different profiles to keep tabs on your friends and share photos of yourself, dedicate one or two profiles to your professional or personal growth.

    If you’re like me, you may spend a considerable amount of time perusing social media pages each week. Turn this time into an opportunity for personal growth by practicing social media habits that nurture your interests and promote positive connectivity.

    Woman touching like button image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Choices That Lead to a Happy, Fulfilling Life

    10 Choices That Lead to a Happy, Fulfilling Life

    “Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.” ~Aeschylus

    My twenty-sixth birthday was approaching, and I asked myself one question: “Do I want this year to look like the last one?”

    The answer was an immediate and very solid no. I frantically began to analyze what I was doing with my life to get this reaction. I was unhappy for most of twenty-five, romantically, professionally, and socially.

    I had been with my live-in boyfriend for about a year and a half, and there seemed to be a growing disconnect. Despite the lies, resulting in jealousy and insecurity, I stayed with him because it was what I knew. I was comfortably uncomfortable.

    I justified staying by telling myself, “All relationships take work” and “I know he can change.” I had also become a bit of a hermit with him. Netflix marathons every weekend. My social calendar eventually became booked with Don Draper and Piper Chapman.

    Professionally, I was nowhere near where I wanted to be. As a millennial, I can say we carry a certain grandiose expectation for a picturesque life that we expect to have at a very young age, and we thoroughly believe it’s going to happen. Right up until the time when it doesn’t.

    Stuck and confused, I realized that if I changed nothing, the next year was destined to look like the prior one.

    I was in search of my truth and my happiness. I needed to know what this life thing is all about. Why do some people seem to have it all figured out and I’m left worried and more confused than ever before?

    I had some money saved up, so I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out, bought a plane ticket, and left to travel Asia in a timeframe of a whopping two days. I had nothing to lose. I was on a mission to learn how to live a meaningful and happy life.

    After a few months of trekking unfamiliar mountains, living with monks, and being freshly single, this is what I’ve learned.

    1. Don’t sweat the small stuff; don’t sweat the big stuff.

    I learned this after I had my wallet, passport, and camera stolen. Every day you will be faced with challenges that are both in and out of your control. Either way, there’s no sense in worrying about them.

    If the situation is uncontrollable, whatever is going to happen, will. If you can control it, then take a deep breath and face it with a calm mind to make the process much easier. Worrying gets you nowhere. Hakuna Matata.

    2. Do something every day that pushes you out of your comfort zone.

    Order and routine give us a sense of security. It feels nice to have familiarity, but it’s also hard to grow into the person you’re meant to be without pushing your limits and trying new things.

    At one point, everything is new to us. The more experiences you expose yourself to, the higher probability you’ll find one your passionate about.

    3. Live fully in each moment.

    Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised. The only certain thing we have in life is right now, this very moment.

    This is an important lesson I’ve learned when meditating with the monks throughout Thailand. They teach the significance of remaining mindful and the importance of acknowledging our senses.

    By smelling, tasting, feeling, seeing, and hearing everything in our surroundings, we’re able to stay in the present, resulting in insight, a crucial stepping stone on the path to happiness. Life is incredibly beautiful when you slow down enough to enjoy it. Live in the moment, live for right now. This very moment is life.

    4. Give gratitude any chance you can, and lots of it.

    I really learned about gratitude when traveling through Indonesia. When once I would have complained about a bad Wi-Fi connection, I saw people just grateful for clean drinking water. It really puts things into perspective.

    Take the time to remember how lucky you are. Even if it doesn’t feel this way, it could always be worse. Share love and gratitude every chance you can, and you’re left with an overwhelming feeling of abundance and happiness.

    5. Remember, life is what’s happening while you’re busy on your cell phone.

    Dining solo, I was left to master the art of people watching. What I observed was this: the happiest, loudest, and liveliest tables were those with cellphones tucked away. They were making memories and sharing stories and experiencing what life is all about.

    They ate more slowly and stayed longer because there wasn’t anywhere they’d rather be. On the contrary, those with eyes glued to bright screens were quiet and quick to eat with emotionless expressions.

    Next time you’re out, try leaving your phone in the car to thoroughly enjoy your company. If you can’t imagine a meal without technology, at least take a few moments to observe the difference between people on their phones and those who aren’t, and ask yourself, who’s table would you rather be sitting at?

    6. Listen to your gut.

    I’ve never been so in tune with myself as when I was on the road with no travel companion to interrupt my thoughts. There have been countless times when I’ve gotten myself out of sticky situations (or avoided them altogether) by listening to my “gut feeling” as a reliable and trustworthy source.

    Silence the mind and listen to the body. Our gut is widely acknowledged as our second brain. If it feels wrong and you can’t exactly pinpoint why, it’s your intuition in physical form telling you it probably is. Listen to what it has to say.

    7. Look for similarities.

    Same same. In Bangkok, I probably heard this phrase nine thousand times, which inevitably led me to ponder its significance.

    No matter where you go in the world, as different as we appear, we are much more similar to one another. We all have human emotions. Sadness and excitement are genetically programmed in us, and we all have the same end goal of happiness.

    A smile and laughter are universal. When you meet someone new, look for similarities and it will form an intimate bond. You’ll begin to feel compassion and a connection to them. A feeling of connection gives you a sense of home no matter where you are.

    8. Let go of the fear of not being accepted and let your true self come out.

    Living abroad alone, I really embraced my inner weirdo. I laid out all the things I was hesitant to say and do before because I assumed no one would “get” me. The results? Confidence and self-respect.

    You owe it to yourself to celebrate your uniqueness and be the truest version of you. Those who are meant to stick around will love you even more for it. Besides, weird people bring a lot to the table. Just saying.

    9. Make time to reflect on relationships and make changes.

    Being on a twelve-hour time difference and half a world away makes communication to home difficult, and perfect for relationship reflection. I really began to analyze the quality of my relationships, asking, “Do they feed my soul? Do we really have that much in common?”

    Life is too short to spend time with anyone who exhausts you. Be selective with where your energy goes. For those who you decide to keep in your life, it’s important you show them how much they mean to you. Love and respect leads to quality relationships, which are the only ones worth having.

    10. Know that no matter how far you travel in search of happiness, it can only be found in one place.

    A monk at the Wat Mahathat in Bangkok said something I will never forget. “Why are you here in Thailand? To find happiness? You won’t find it here. I can’t give it to you. You can travel the world to find it, but there is only one place it can be found. It is found within.”

    I had left home and traveled across the world to find happiness, but I never felt it until I became fully connected with myself.

    Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the important things by forgetting my relationships, ignoring my gut, and worrying too much about the past and the future. None of these things served me.

    True and lasting peace is found within. When you learn to be appreciative for what you have, embrace the present moment, and love fully, this is happiness. This is nirvana.

  • Interview with Dani DiPirro and Book Giveaway: The Positively Present Guide to Life

    Interview with Dani DiPirro and Book Giveaway: The Positively Present Guide to Life

    Positively Present Guide to Life

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    If you’re a fan of uplifting, action-oriented blog posts, you may have stumbled upon Positively Present at some point in time.

    I “met” the site’s founder, Dani DiPirro, around the time I started Tiny Buddha. Over time, I grew to admire her dedication, both to personal development and her blog.

    Since 2009, she’s shared countless helpful, inspiring posts, empowering readers to live mindfully and positively in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.

    Now she’s preparing to launch a new book, The Positively Present Guide to Life, which offers practical ideas to enhance our home life, work, and relationships for an all-around happier, more fulfilled life.

    I’m grateful that Dani took the time to answer some questions about herself and her book, and that she’s provided two copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies:

    • Leave a comment sharing one thing that always helps you stay positive.
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of The Positively Present Guide to Life http://bit.ly/17oIQDY

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, February 27th.

    The Interview

     1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and your blog, Positively Present. 

    I’m an author, blogger, and designer living in a suburb of Washington, DC. In 2009, when I was at a particularly low point in my life—I didn’t love my job, my relationship status wasn’t ideal, and I was struggling a lot to feel happy—I launched PositivelyPresent.com with the intention of documenting my journey toward a more positive and present life.

    In 2012, I left my full-time job in Marketing to pursue a career as a blogger and writer. While working to create a beautiful online space for my readers, I discovered how much I loved illustrating and graphic design.

    Last year, I launched my design studio, Twenty3, where I work with individuals and business to create modern, uplifting design. My love of design and my desire to help myself and others live more positive, present lives comes together in my latest book, The Positively Present Guide to Life, which pairs inspiring illustrations with action-oriented advice for living a more positive, more present life.

     2. What inspired you to write The Positively Present Guide to Life, and how does it differ from your blog?

    Books have been my greatest teachers, and I love the tangibility of them of in our digital world. I’ve learned so much about life—and about myself—from books, and writing The Positively Present Guide to Life was the best way I could think of to take the lessons I’ve learned from PositivelyPresent.com and explore them at a deeper level.

    And my blog has inspired this book in another way: all my advice here is presented in easy-to-follow lists, to make sure this guide is as simple to use and as practical as possible.

    3. What have you found to be the biggest obstacles to being positive and present—and how have you overcome them?

    One of the biggest obstacles for being positive and present can be other people. Just because you’re trying to live a more positive, present life, that doesn’t mean that those around you are striving for the same thing, and the negativity of others can be draining.

    Overcoming this can be difficult if it’s not possible to avoid negative people. If possible, I’ve found it helps to limit your interactions with them. If that’s not an option, I recommend reminding yourself that you do not have to be ruled by others’ moods or attitudes. Even when others are negative, you can choose to focus on the positive and to stay in the moment.

    4. I think there’s a misconception that “be positive” means “don’t ever feel bad.” What are your thoughts on this?

    This is definitely a huge misconception when it comes to positivity. It’s for this reason, in fact, that I focus on positivity rather than happiness.

    When you are happy, you are in a state where you don’t feel bad and when even the not-so-great things seem bearable. Positivity, on the other hand, is not about putting on rose-colored glasses and pretending that everything is okay. It’s about accepting whatever’s happening in your current situation and trying to make the most of it.

    No matter how difficult the situation, it’s possible to find something of value—even if the value is only that you’re getting stronger by going through difficulties.

    5. In Chapter One of your book, you talk about creating a positive home. What advice would you give to someone who wants to create a positive home but lives with people who are often negative?

    Living with negative people can really challenge efforts to live a more positive, present life, but there are things you can do to make the most of the situation.

    I’ve dedicated an entire section of my book to this topic because I believe it’s something many people encounter. Even if people at home are generally positive, we all have our bad days (or weeks!). When dealing with negativity at home, I recommend trying your best to speak with love, and not to mirror the tone or attitude of those who are in a negative state of mind.

    This can be difficult (we tend to react in a way that mirrors others), but choosing loving words and tone can make a huge difference.

    Also, it’s important to try not to take others’ negativity personally. Often, stress and negativity between cohabitants is a result of issues that take place outside of the home (such as work), and it can be helpful to consider that another’s negative reaction or snippy tone might be related to something that has nothing to do with you.

    6. In the next chapter, you talk about being positively present at work. What do you think is the most important thing someone can do to stay positive and present when they’re not happy at their job?

    Even if you don’t love your job, you can learn from it. Any job offers the opportunity to learn how to cooperate with and overcome challenges.

    Being around others—some you like, some you don’t—teaches important people skills, from how to collaborate, negotiate, and compromise with those who view things differently, to how to get a job done with someone who would rather chat away the day.

    Processing so many viewpoints and opinions from coworkers opens our eyes to new ways of thinking. If you like your industry but not your position, you can also learn a lot by talking to those you admire or who hold positions you aspire to.

    7. In the chapter on relationships, you talk about learning to say no. Why is this so important to staying positive and present?

    There are many reasons why saying no, negative as it sounds, can be a more positive response. For example, it might save you from having to spend time with people who bring negativity into your life, or it might ensure that you don’t overload your schedule.

    It can also strengthen relationships because it lets other people know you have boundaries and will enforce them. It helps others know where they stand—and if they don’t cross the line, your relationship is all the more positive for it.

    Keep in mind: when you say no to one thing, you’re really saying yes to something more worthy of your time and energy.

     8. What do you think is the most essential habit for staying positive and present?

    One of the most essential habits for living a positive, present life is to cultivate gratitude. No matter how difficult a situation, there is always something to be grateful for. It’s very difficult to be negative or distracted from the moment when you’re focusing on what you have to be thankful for.

     9. What’s the main message you hope people take from your book?

    When people read my book, I hope they’ll realize how important a shift in attitude can be. It can transform all aspects of your life, from home to work to relationships to love to how you cope with change.

    I hope readers will see that, even if positivity and mindfulness doesn’t come easily to them, with the right tactics and inspiration, it’s possible to cultivate a positive attitude and stay in the moment more often.

    I’m not a naturally positive person and I work hard at staying positive and present. If I can do it, anyone can—and I hope this book will inspire readers to see that they, too, can live more positive, present lives.

    You can learn more about The Positively Present Guide to Life (and pre-order a copy) on Amazon.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • Advice from a Tree

    Advice from a Tree

    Advice from a Tree

  • 3 Things Kids Do That Can Lead to Self-Love & Happiness

    3 Things Kids Do That Can Lead to Self-Love & Happiness

    Girl in a Meadow

    “When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” ~Jean Shinoda Bolen

    As we grow older, a lot of us fall out of love with ourselves, and as a result, have a hard time figuring out what we value and what lights us up.

    Self-love is crucial to creating a life that aligns with our desires because it serves as our inner compass, empowering and enabling us to steer our life in a direction that makes us happy. Otherwise, we end up turning to external sources for love and happiness. That’s what happened to me.

    I started dating late in my life compared to all my friends, so when I entered a serious relationship, I was over the moon. Finally, I felt complete because I found someone who liked me enough to want to be with me.

    I was so desperate to maintain the relationship that I ended up trying to be like him, doing what he liked so that he’d love me more.

    Along the way, I lost my own interests and lost touch with some of my friends. When the relationship came to an end, I didn’t know who I was and felt so empty. I knew then that I needed to learn how to love myself again.

    Recently, I’ve been spending time with my niece and nephew, who are between the ages of two and six. It dawned on me that there’s a lot we can learn from children when it comes to re-learning how to love ourselves.

    So what can we learn from children?

    Say what’s on your mind.

    Often, children say exactly what’s on their mind because they haven’t yet formed the belief that it’s wrong to be honest. For the most part, there is no hidden agenda in what they say. If there is, we can easily see through it, as we listen and work with them to find a compromise.

    Depending on your upbringing and your experiences, you may have developed certain rules or beliefs about speaking your mind. As an adult, you now have a choice. Instead of operating like you would have in the past, you can decide if you would like to change your rule or belief.

    With my cultural upbringing, I was taught that it is impolite and disrespectful to question elders or people of authority. So I did what I was told because I would get reprimanded when I asked why.

    I carried this belief throughout my school years, and when someone pushed me to speak up in class or in work settings, I always felt guilty and uncomfortable.

    One day, I decided to give myself permission to not feel guilty when someone asked what I thought. I changed my belief to I feel valued and safe when someone asks for my opinion.

    Slowly, I realized that you can simultaneously respect someone and speak up.

    So why not honor that little voice inside of you and say what you’re thinking? In doing so, you are expressing your truth, and this is an act of self-love.

    Likewise, if you are the receiver in the conversation, practice listening to the speaker with compassion and openness, as you would with a child.

    In creating a safe, respectful space for mutual sharing, you’re creating the opportunity to connect with others on a deeper level, strengthening your relationships and your self-love at the same time.

    Incorporate more playtime into your life.

    As adults, our work tends to get in the way of play. I am certainly guilty of this.

    My definition of play is doing something big, like a night out of town with friends, or traveling. As such, I often go a long period of time without ‘play.’ In hanging out with my niece and nephew, I realized my definition of play is too rigid.

    Like children, we need to incorporate playtime or break time into our day-to-day life. Not only does playing provide health benefits, but there are also studies that have shown it increases creativity, connection, and productivity.

    So bring out your inner child and look for simple ways to create opportunities to laugh, relax, and have fun in your life.

    This could be going to the park and getting on a swing, getting a game of Candy Crush in, organizing game nights, having a dance party with your kids, or going for a coffee break with colleagues.

    When you incorporate play in moderation into your life, you are giving yourself permission to relax, clear out your mind, and reap the health benefits. This action in itself is a form of self-care and self-love.

    Smile at yourself instead of criticizing yourself.

    Children adore themselves. They love looking in the mirror and seeing themselves, just the way they are. They smile, they blow kisses to themselves. There are no judgments.

    As human beings, we are love. It is our birthright to be loved and to give love. It is what keeps us alive and what gives us hope and helps us grow.

    But over time, we start to dim our lights and build walls around our heart. When this happens, we not only close the pathways to love, but also make it hard for others to love us.

    Next time when you look in the mirror, challenge yourself to look in your eyes and refrain from being critical. Be kind to yourself.

    Smile at the person you see, even if you need to imagine yourself as a younger version of you. Acknowledge your inner spirit with your eyes.

    This was always hard for me to do. I found it uncomfortable to look into my eyes, as I knew I would start criticizing myself.

    I’d say things like you look fat, look at the black circles underneath your eyes, look at that zit, you need to take better care of yourself. What are you looking at? There’s nothing to look at.

    At that moment, I’d look away, take a few deep breaths, and remind myself of where that voice was coming from. It was a combination of my own and my parents’.

    They criticized me because of the way they were brought up, and it was how they showed their love and care, but I knew I could choose to say “thank you but no thank you.”

    I would then take another deep breath and look up again.

    At first, it felt kind of like a peek-a-boo game. But once I locked eyes with myself, I acknowledged myself and said, “See this isn’t too bad. I just want to say hi. I see you and I love you. Thanks for playing. Let’s see where this goes after a month. If nothing changes, I’ll stop, I promise.”

    Things did change, though. I felt more peaceful and grounded, and I noticed I smiled more when I was out and about.

    So what are you waiting for? Rekindle your connection with your inner child and you will soon feel the self-love you once had when you were a kid, and you’ll love your life a lot more as a result.

    Girl in a meadow image via Shutterstock

  • The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    Start Now

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H Schuller

    I have tried for so long to build a meditation habit. Seriously, it’s been one of my biggest goals for more than a decade.

    And I’ve tried really hard. I’ve read books, I’ve taken classes, I’ve made accountability charts, I’ve set SMART goals; I’ve done it all.

    Sometimes, I’ll fall into a good rhythm, and I might make it onto my mat three or four days in a row. Then sometimes, three whole months will go by without me managing to do it at all.

    So what gives? Why can’t I make it happen? What am I doing wrong, after ten years of trying?

    I decided to dig deeper into what was happening inside my poor little monkey mind that might be hindering my progress.

    It took me by surprise when I realized that no matter what my practice has actually looked like over the years, whether I’d been totally diligent or utterly neglectful, there had been one constant the entire time: I’ve always felt like I needed to be the best at meditation.

    Yep, that’s the phrase that actually popped into my mind, word for word, when I tried to unpack what was going on: the best at meditation.

    I know what you’re thinking: What does that even mean? How can you be “the best” at something like meditation?

    And let me tell you, I know how dumb it sounds. Meditation, by its very nature, is about not having attachment to such things as results or outcomes. I mean, it’s about being in the moment, not about getting an A+ rating or a bunch of gold-stars.

    And yet I felt like I needed to be awesome at it. To be better than others. To bypass beginner status and immediately step into the category of “expert.”

    I kept getting this image in my head: me, perched perfectly still in lotus position, the dawn sunshine on my face, wind blowing gently in my beautifully beachy hair, my outfit crisp and white, and my face a perfect vision of peace and tranquility.

    (Never mind that I am not a morning person, that the lotus position gives me pins and needles, that my hair is more bushy than beachy, and that I don’t even own any crisp white clothes.)

    When I dug deeper, I realized there was a follow-on thought from my attachment to this vision and my need for achievement: If I couldn’t be awesome at meditation, if I couldn’t achieve perfection… there was no point.

    That was my unconscious thought pattern.

    Which was why I always aimed for ridiculously long sessions; if I didn’t have a full thirty minutes to devote to it, what was the point?

    It was why I was so disappointed if my mind wandered; if I didn’t give an A+ performance, what was the point?

    It is why I’d feel like a failure if I didn’t do it first thing in the morning (even though my late-night work sessions made that completely impractical); if I hadn’t done a dawn session, what was the point?

    And it was why I would get so down on myself if I missed a single day; if I couldn’t keep a perfect score card, what on earth was the point?

    All in all, it’s no wonder I haven’t been able to make this habit stick. At every step of the journey, I’ve been psyching myself out of making any progress by expecting supreme, utter perfection.

    In the past, this type of thinking has reared its head in other areas of my life too: if I can’t go to the gym for at least a full hour, there’s no point, right?

    If I can’t eat 100% healthy for the rest of the week, I may as well write the next few days off, yeah?

    And if I can’t fit in a long, uninterrupted stretch of writing time, there’s no point pulling out my notebook at all, amiright?!

    Thankfully, over the years I’ve become aware of these perfectionist tendencies, and have developed a few mental strategies and ninja tricks to overcome them. (Don’t have time for a full gym session? Do half an hour of power yoga in the lounge room instead. Revolutionary, huh?)

    But it’s taken me oh-so-long to realize that I was also doing it in my meditation practice; that I was letting my pursuit of perfection hold me back from inner peace.

    Now that I know, I’m trying to let go of all expectations on myself when it comes to gettin’ my Zen on. In fact, my meditation sessions these days have been pared right back to the simplest, most achievable, most non-perfect thing I could think of.

    Want to know what that looks like? (Prepare yourself for the profoundness!)

    Two minutes of meditation, every one or two days.

    That’s it.

    And, if I haven’t managed to pull it off during the day, I do it in the shower at night, just before I go to bed (yep, standing there, suds and all, with not a lotus position in sight).

    It’s minimal, it’s manageable, and it’s achievable. It’s also effective for quieting my monkey mind and giving me the tiny pockets of peace and stillness I crave so much.

    I’m now on my fourth week of this new approach, and I’m happy to report that by releasing my expectations of perfection. In fact, by embracing the fact that I am going to mess up, and by giving myself some wiggle room and a short-cut to get around it, I’ve actually been more mindful in the past month than I’ve been for a really long time.

    And I’ve definitely ended up with more time spent on the mat through these little baby steps than when I was aiming for giant, dramatic leaps.

    It’s been an eye-opening lesson, and one that I’m very grateful for.

    So now I want to ask you, dear one, are you letting perfection hold you back from achieving something you really want?

    Could you cut yourself a break and aim for “okay” instead of “awesome”? It might sound counterintuitive in our culture of comparison and perfection, but the results might just take you by surprise.

    Start now image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Strategies for Practicing Compassion When You Feel Wronged

    4 Strategies for Practicing Compassion When You Feel Wronged

    Woman with Heart

    “Judgments prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances.” ~Wayne Dyer

    When I first took up meditation, sitting with my thoughts didn’t come naturally. At the time, I was going through a divorce and was often anxious and stressed out. It took months, but I kept trying, and after a while I looked forward to my daily sit.

    In my meditation group, I learned a classic method for generating compassion and equanimity. I tried holding images in my mind of a friend, an enemy, and a stranger.

    The idea was to view each one without judgment or preference, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to generate compassion for my enemy—especially when the face I envisioned was my ex-husband’s.

    At last, my divorce was final. Another year passed and I met a great guy. We dated for more than a year before he moved in. Our relationship was going so well that we decided to take a big step together: We adopted a stray kitten.

    The kitten was adorable and cuddly and rambunctious. We loved her immediately and she made herself right at home.

    A week or so after the kitten’s arrival, I sat down to meditate in my sunny meditation room. It was one of those days where everything felt right with the world. I lit my candles and incense, positioned myself comfortably, and set the timer.

    Focusing on the candle’s flame, I breathed in … and out … in and out—but something was terribly wrong. Every breath brought me closer to a distinct reality: I was sitting in cat pee!

    I hopped up and stripped the slipcovers off the pillows. Lugging the fouled material to the laundry closet, I angrily muttered, “If we had not taken in this stray, I’d be tranquil right now! That cat has ruined my entire day!”

    Then I my thoughts turned to blame. “My boyfriend was the one who wanted to adopt this cat! I should have said no, but I wanted to please him. I should have known better!”

    And finally, I took out my frustration on the feline offender: “Some cats just can’t be house trained! If that kitten does this again, she’s going back to the pound!”

    I seethed on and on, piling up blame and resentments, turning my anger and dissatisfaction over and over in my head.

    If ever there was a good time to practice compassion and forgiveness, this was it. But rather than sitting in meditation, I spent the next hour dowsing the slipcovers and cushions with diluted bleach.

    In the days that followed, when I sat down to meditate, I contemplated the kitten’s offense. Then a thought occurred to me that made me laugh. My resentment melted as I realized how ridiculous I was to blame a cat … for being a cat!

    The kitten was not a “bad” cat at all. The kitten didn’t pee on my cushion out of spite or because she hated me. She peed on the cushion because she was marking her territory, which is what cats do. It’s her nature.

    The kitten was, in fact, being a very “good” cat. The kitten wasn’t the problem. The problem was my expectation of the kitten to behave in a manner that was not natural to her.

    Of course, accepting my cat is a cat is one thing. It’s a little more difficult when I try to let go of my expectation of human beings, particularly the one I was previously married to. And yet, how often did I expect people in my life to respond in ways that were not natural to them?

    Turns out my kitten taught me more about generating compassion than the guru at my local meditation center. Here’s what I’ve learned from my most enlightening “sit.”

     1. It’s called human nature for a reason.

    If I can accept that my kitten is just enacting her cat nature, then why can’t I see that my ex-husband (or anyone for that matter) is just following his or her human nature?

    Alexander Pope was right when he said, “To err is human.” Since human nature is distinguished by ego, delusions, fears, and a little thing called mortality, most of us are perfectly imperfect human beings.

    Too often, I judge myself and others through a warped lens of perfectionism. My ex was (and is) just doing his best to avoid suffering and find happiness—just like me. And like me, he responds out of his limited perspective, experience, and fear. My problem with him is not that he’s who he is; my problem is that he’s not who I want him to be.

    2. It’s (not) all about me.

    No matter how long I sit on the meditation cushion and try to “generate compassion” for someone, I will never get far if I am still judging that person by my own limited viewpoint. Taking things personally creates a barrier between me and other people, or between my idea of an outcome and reality.

    I limit my own perspective when I say, “You have done this to me because you are trying to harm me.” If I can take a step back, I may realize that I don’t know everything about the situation. Only then may I be able to discern that there could be a motive beyond one that’s directly related to me.

    3. I’m not okay, you’re not okay.

    When I’m angry and upset about an outcome, I often forget that the person who I feel “let me down” is probably also upset and disappointed. Although I may initially personalize a situation, I can use my feelings to identify with someone else’s perspective.

    For example, when my son brings home a less than stellar grade that’s upsetting to me, I can be fairly certain that he’s bummed about the grade, too. Realizing that he is equally—if not more—disappointed than I am can temper my reaction and might even inspire a more compassionate response.

     4. Consider the parts, not the sum.

    No situation or being arrives full-blown without dependence upon mitigating circumstances. (This is also called dependent origination or dependent co-arising.) For example, the traffic jam did not occur because the Universe is conspiring to make me late for work.

    The more I can accept that I am a part of a bigger experience, the more I can let go of the importance I place on myself or any given event. Then, I can let go of blaming and see that we are all in this traffic jam (called life) together.

    As it turned out, my most dissatisfying meditation session taught me far more about compassion than sitting for hours in tranquility ever could.

    Simply contemplating that everyone wants happiness doesn’t get me very far when I’m stuck in traffic or disputing a finance charge on my credit card with a less-than helpful customer service representative.

    No matter how long I sit on the meditation cushion and try to “generate compassion” for someone, I will never get far if I am still judging that person by my own limited viewpoint.

    Woman with heart image via Shutterstock

  • Breaking Free from Your Family’s Expectations

    Breaking Free from Your Family’s Expectations

    Break Free

    “Stop worrying about pleasing others so much. Do more of what makes you happy.” ~Unknown

    There comes a time in everyone’s life when you break away from your family. Right? We are all familiar with this. It happens when you turn eighteen, go off to college, and move out the house—and out of the state or country for some.

    This is the expectation of society on the whole. Then what keeps us so bound to our families that we sometimes feel paralyzed, afraid of making the “wrong” decisions for our career, relationships, or simply how we choose to live?

    Despite each of us eventually breaking through the normal cycle of leaving home and starting our own life, many of us still feel obligated to our family, more specifically our parents.

    We feel like we have to choose a specific career path or be with a specific type of person for marriage and beyond. It’s like this unspoken obligation to please our parents, except we know that it can’t last forever and there’s got to be another way.

    There is another way. And I know because I’ve been living through it over the past several years.

    I was a rebellious child, mostly because my father was so strict and I wasn’t allowed to do anything—well, not much. (I’ll give him some credit, while other credit goes to my mother for allowing friends to come over on occasion.)

    But rebellion doesn’t serve healthy relationships and is bound to transform into healthy independence and respect at some point. For some, it’s much later in life than others; I’ve spoken with several people in their late fifties who still feel obligated to their parents yet wildly rebellious and, thereby, resentful.

    For me, it started with realizing that I value family. There’s no getting around that. I love my family. Period.

    I also love myself, which means that there’s no way I’m going to give up my heart’s desires and dreams to acquiesce to what they think is best for my life, like I had to all throughout my childhood.

    Yes, I’m a passionate woman who has a strong desire to break free of the practical way of living. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.

    At the same time, I demanded and knew in my heart that true love, especially love between family members, ought to stand up to tests like this.

    No doubt, it came with its price. There were several moments when I had to share my desires while lovingly holding space for my family to simply be. I came to them on several occasions over the last years (or they came to me and I opened up) with conscious decisions I made for my life.

    Now, let me reiterate this: conscious decisions. If they weren’t conscious, there was no way I could have done this. So, I shared with them my conscious decision while I stood in the fire of their adverse opinions and reactions.

    Standing in the fire means I held on to my desire and my love for family while I faced down their criticism. This was challenging. And it burned.

    I could feel it all throughout my body. But because I had consciously decided with a strong intention of love and a knowing that it came from my heart, I was able to hold on to my center—no matter what.

    I was able to stand there and let their criticism and opinions wash over me while remaining in a loving space. This would not be possible without that conscious choice.

    Since then, even though it’s been a process and there are still many fires to stand in, it has been increasingly easier to simply be me and share my “unpractical path” with them. Their expectations are beginning to subside, as they realize that my life may be a bit unorthodox.

    I love them anyway. Yes, you heard that right: I love them no matter how unorthodox my life is; therefore, I can influence them to drop their defenses and decide whether they’ll love or hate me because of the life I choose.

    By standing up for myself in this way, I let go of any power they had over me and hand it back to them, giving them the option to continue loving me or not. Because I know that no matter what they choose, I’ll always love them.

    Standing up for yourself isn’t an easy process. It’s especially hard when you’re trying to build a life for yourself that you actually love, because that’s the time when you most need support.

    Holding on to the earnest vision that only good can come from standing in your heart’s desires, you’ll realize what true love really is, and it will completely reframe how you approach life and relationships.

    Family often has no clue of the ties and chains they’ve placed on you; therefore, it’s important to come from a loving place when standing your ground and claiming your life.

    They don’t know what they’re doing. Would you punish them for that? I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I chose to love them anyways, no matter what, the same way I desire to be love, no matter what.

    Break free image via Shutterstock

  • How to Cope When People Disappoint You

    How to Cope When People Disappoint You

    Disappointed Woman

    “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

    Growing up, I had a wonderful relationship with my mother. We did all the usual mother-daughter things together—went shopping, had brunch—and we supported each other when my father left.

    In 2011, I was happily pregnant. I felt supported by my family and ready to take on motherhood. My husband and I were elated by the birth of our little boy.

    It’s fair to say that I may have been a little naïve about what was to come. I knew it would be hard work, but I didn’t quite realize how hard.

    The other expectation I had was ongoing support from my family. You know, the kind of situation where family (both parents and siblings) rally around you to welcome a new little person into the world. The kind of situation where there are regular visits and an influx of babysitting offers.

    In particular, I expected the bond with my mother to strengthen—because in my mind, having your first child is the time when you are deeply supported by your mother. What happened next fell entirely short of what I had imagined life to be like post-baby. I was utterly disappointed.

    I felt blessed for the birth of my little boy but resentful for the lack of support from my family.

    You see, although my little boy was healthy in the most important ways, he was a screamer. He was diagnosed with severe acid reflux, and we endured an extremely unsettled baby (and toddler) for the first eighteen months.

    My husband and I didn’t sleep for more than two hours per night (on shifts) for the first four months, and it improved only marginally from there. There were feelings of despair, helplessness, and confusion as we paced the floors trying to help our little boy.

    At first, my mother stayed with us in our house and helped us tirelessly. But at month four she relocated overseas. By this time, I felt disillusioned by the experience of having an unsettled baby, and disappointed that what was supposed to be a beautiful time had become somewhat negative and relentless.

    Looking back, I realize expectations played a huge part in my disappointment.

    I had expected a blissful experience—picnics in the park with my (sleeping) newborn! My disappointment was closely linked to my expectations of how it would be, with my baby, and with support from my family.

    Had I not expected a certain outcome, I would not have felt so low about what occurred. Had I been more open-minded about what may eventuate, I may not have felt abandoned and resentful at a time when I needed the most help.

    My little boy is now healthy, happy, and three. Granny has moved back to this side of the world, and she visits weekly. There is still minimal involvement in comparison to the vision in my head, but I have come to terms with it. Acceptance is liberating sometimes.

    The following philosophies have helped me to be more at peace with my own feelings, and you may find them helpful when facing disappointments in your world too.

    You have the right to feel what you feel.

    So don’t ignore your feelings of disappointment. But try to obtain a renewed sense of the other person’s perspective.

    We all have different expectations.

    Most people are inherently good. They are on their own journey, and although disappointment can feel personal, it’s often not. The other person’s expectations are simply different to yours.

    Disappointments aren’t always all bad.

    What may seem like a challenge may be a blessing in disguise—or a blessing in waiting; it may only be a matter of time before you recognize that your disappointment is actually the universe working its magic for you. For example, my challenging start with my first born has led me to support other mothers through their own hard times.

    It helps to shift your focus.

    Resolve to do things that bring you joy. Focus on what is new and good, start manifesting, and leave those disappointing thoughts behind.

    It will pass.

    No matter how deeply you are disappointed, in time you will move through the feeling.

    Weed out the people who consistently disappoint you.

    Be mindful of people who regularly disappoint you or let you down, and make more time for those who don’t. Maintain a positive sense of yourself through happy relationships with people who are uplifting and energizing.

    We’re all on our own paths (even grannies). We have our own lives to live, our own choices to make, our own wishes and wants, and our own free will.

    Our closest connections can’t be expected to live on our terms, or to live inside the box we have created for them in our minds. So release your disappointment and get ready for the next adventure the universe will send your way.

    Disappointed woman image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Compelling Reasons To Spend Some Time Alone

    6 Compelling Reasons To Spend Some Time Alone

    “There are times when alone is the best place to be.” ~Unknown

    Some people think it’s awful to spend time alone—that it means you’re antisocial or no one needs you.

    Some people feel sad and lonely when they don’t have company every evening or weekend.

    But being alone doesn’t mean that no one needs you. And it can actually be quite useful to take some time to yourself.

    I am almost thirty. This is an age when you start to rethink your whole life, trying to understand what you should change or improve, what you should do next, and what specifically you need in your life.

    I felt this way a couple of months ago.

    I thought I’d achieved nothing in my almost thirty years, and I felt I should have changed something but couldn’t figure out what or how.

    I had to cope with my feelings, but the everyday chaos of my life didn’t allow me time to concentrate on myself.

    The decision came like a bolt from the blue—to spend some time completely alone.

    When you’re alone, nothing prevents you from listening to your inner voice, heart, and mind.

    Here are a few other benefits of spending time in solitude.

    1. It’s a great opportunity to recharge.

    We often try to make people around us happy and help them work through their feelings. This can be emotionally draining.

    For example, I have one friend who lives abroad, who comes online to talk to me only when she feels bad and wants to share all her problems with me. It takes a lot of energy and makes me sad and frustrated.

    Time spent alone helped me take a break from constant interaction with other people so I could recharge.

    2. It’s a good time to think and reflect.

    Life moves at a crazy speed. It doesn’t often give us time to stop and reflect. When alone, you have a great opportunity to focus on yourself.

    Thanks to my voluntary solitude, I had a chance to question whether I was moving in the right direction, I’ve realized what I should change in my life, and I’ve finally found time to relax and meditate.

    3. It’s a chance to understand what really makes you happy.

    When you spend time with other people, you often have to make compromises. There’s always a chance that what you want may not coincide with others’ wishes. When you’re alone, it’s only you who decides what to do.

    Do you want to spend the whole day lying on the beach? Go! Do you want to visit that contemporary art exhibition? There’s no reason to skip it. As for me, I’ve finally visited the city of my dreams, Prague. None of my friends ever had the time, money, or desire to go with me, but that no longer mattered.

    4. It makes you more productive.

    It can be fun and exciting to spend time with friends, but it can also distract you from things that are important to you, like exercise, hobbies, a long-delayed book, and unfinished work.

    Spending some time alone can be a good opportunity to make progress toward your personal goals.

    5. It makes you more self-reliant.

    We often seek approval from friends, colleagues, and family members before we take action or make a decision. There are times when it’s necessary to do this, but there are also times when it’s possible to act without consulting others first.

    When you’re alone, you’ll learn how to make decisions without anyone’s help. This was difficult for me at first, but in time I became more self-reliant.

    6. It teaches you to value people who are close to you.

    When you regularly take time for yourself, it becomes even more enjoyable to engage with others, as you’ve given yourself time and space to miss their company.

    Don’t be afraid of being alone. Very often it helps us understand who we are, what we want, and what we can do to become better people.

  • How to Stop Overthinking and Start Living: 10 Helpful Tips

    How to Stop Overthinking and Start Living: 10 Helpful Tips

    “Thinking has, many a time, made me sad, darling; but doing never did in all my life….My precept is, do something, my sister, do good if you can; but at any rate, do something.” ~Elizabeth Gaskell

    Problems. We all face them.

    Some are frivolous; some are life changing. Some force us to draw from within us our greatest mental potential. Many cause nothing more than stress.

    Whatever issues life presents us, whether small or big, we think about them.

    We think about what to do, what not to do, and what would be “best” for us and for everyone around us.

    But how often do we think about our thinking? When do we stop to question why we over-think, whether it’s productive, and how to overcome it?

    The first time a true bout of over-thinking grappled me was when I graduated from college.

    For many, this time comes as a quarter-life crisis, and the event often repeats itself later in life. It’s the time to decide what we will do with our lives, and what careers we will pursue.

    We want to make a true difference, help society, and live well. Although acquiring a comfortable desk job may be easier, it doesn’t have such a gripping appeal.

    And so begins a rare human trait that we would surely benefit from evolving out of: rumination.

    Sleepless nights came more regularly than I ever could have predicted. Confusion was my norm. Indecisiveness became expected. Uncertainty was my only certainty.

    Fortunately, however, I didn’t drive myself nuts (or so I believe). Underlying the distress was an organic curiosity, and this led me to question my approach. What I came to learn truly changed my life.

    I managed to collate a number of strategies for effectively reducing over-thinking. Below are some of my favorite simple and easy-to-implement insights and strategies:

    1. Remember that over-thinking does not lead to insight.

    You want an understanding of which decision will be best. For this, you need a level of insight into what each decision will lead to. Thinking this through, however, is futile.

    Why? Because you never, ever know what something will be like until you experience it.

    School, college, moving home, getting married, ending a relationship, changing career paths. However much you imagine what these change will be like, you will be surprised by what you discover when you actually engage in these activities.

    Knowing this, you can move forward with a true understanding of what would be best. Acting, therefore, leads to clarity. Thought doesn’t.

    2. Know that your decision will never be final.

    Over-thinking often comes from the notion that you will make a grand finale decision that will never change and must be correct.

    It won’t happen. And that’s a good thing. If you could predict with complete accuracy the entirety of your future, would you want to experience it?

    To me, that removes all the spice of life. You must be aware that however much critical thinking you apply to a decision, you may be wrong.

    Being comfortable with being wrong, and knowing that your opinions and knowledge of a situation will change with time, brings a sense of true inner freedom and peace.

    3. Learn the reasons why over-thinking is harmful and let it motivate you.

    Studies have shown rumination to be strongly linked to depression, anxiety, binge eating, binge drinking, and self-harm.

    In one study, 32,827 people from 172 countries showed that life events were the largest predictors of stress, followed by family history, income and education, relationship status, and social inclusion.

    However, the study also showed that stress only occurred if the individual engaged in negative over-thinking about the events, and it showed that people who did not do this did not become as stressed or depressed, “even if they’d experienced many negative events in their lives.”

    So, worry about your problems if you wish. But don’t say no one warned you!

    4. Keep active throughout the day and tire the body out.

    Do you want to know one of the main reasons you over-think?

    It’s because you have the time to.

    Not one day can be fruitful if more time than necessary is allowed for aimless thinking. A mind rests well at night knowing its day has been directed toward worthy goals.

    So consider daily exercise—any physical activity that raises heart rate and improves health.

    Walking is exercise. Sports, Pilates, and playing with the dog are too. It doesn’t have to be training for the next Olympics. Just get moving, and get tired.

    5. Become the ultimate skeptic.

    If you think about what causes thinking to be so stressful and tiring, it’s often our personal convictions that our thoughts are actually true.

    Let’s look at an example.

    If someone you know does something you consider hurtful, but you don’t discuss the issue with the person, negativity can arise with certain thoughts about why the person acted that way.

    But once you can pinpoint which thoughts are causing the upset, one golden question will release all negativity:

    “Can I be 100% sure this is true?”

    By seeing the inherent lack of truth in your beliefs, you will naturally find yourself much more relaxed in all situations, and you won’t over-think things that are based on predictions and assumptions.

    6. Seek social support, but don’t vent.

    Better than confining your decisions to your own biases, perspectives, and mental filters, commit to seeking support from loved ones.

    Research has long shown the powerful impact of social support in the reduction of stress.

    But even better than that is getting a fresh, new angle on the topic.

    For me, this has always—on every occasion—led me to learn something I had never considered before. This is how you grow, emotionally and spiritually.

    7. Develop the skill of forgiveness.

    It’s no surprise that having the misfortune of being treated undesirably leads people to suppress and repress anger toward other people.

    Forgiveness is of the highest of human virtues. Not because it is morally correct, spiritually mature, or deemed a commendable personality trait.

    It’s special because it, single-handedly, can induce the ultimate peace in people.

    Forgiveness has also been shown on many occasions to help develop positive self-esteem, improve mood, and dramatically improve health. It’s a predictor of relationship well-being and marital length, and it has even been shown to increase longevity.

    8. Plan for conscious distraction.

    When do you ruminate the most? Have you ever thought about it? For me, I ruminated at night.

    When you know the time of day rumination will begin, you can plan to remove that spare time with an activity that engages your full faculties.

    It could be Sudoku, a board game with family, a meal out, yoga, or writing letters of gratitude to long-unseen friends.

    A note of warning: there is some research to suggest that doing this with negatively reinforcing behaviors, such as toxic eating patterns, can lead to harmful long-term results.

    Therefore, be picky about what you distract yourself with, and make sure it fosters positive emotion and psychological wellbeing.

    9. Solve another person’s problem first, and get perspective.

    “Serve first, seek second” should be the motto for anyone currently distressed by their perceived problems.

    Your issue at hand can become so consuming that others may look at you like you’re living in your own mental world. And it takes something to break you out of it.

    Helping others puts your issues in order by reminding you that we all go through tough times, some much more than you ever will.

    That’s not to discount the struggles you’re going through, but helping others will restore balance and harmony in your life.

    10. Remember that a perfect decision is never a bold one, so get started.

    When your final years are approaching, you will not worry about how well you thought through your decisions, or how thoroughly and accurately you approached life’s forks in the road.

    You will rest happily knowing you lived true to yourself, acted with confidence, and stood up for what you believed in.

    So don’t worry about the perfection of your decisions. Be swift to move forward, even if it is in the wrong direction. Boldness is respectable; carefulness has never changed the world.

  • Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

    Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

    “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” ~Edna Buchanan

    A few years ago I ended all contact with my parents, and I have not seen or spoken to them since then.

    The truth is I am actually okay with that. Initially, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had been brought up to believe that family comes first. Children should respect and take care of their parents. Family should—and will—always be there for each other.

    Those beliefs were based on love, and I cherished them.

    I wanted so much to feel that connection—that unconditional love those beliefs promised. It was never there.

    Our lives were filled with so much fear, pain, hurt, betrayal, and lies. Manipulation and deceit were at the core of our home.

    I told myself that all families have degrees of dysfunction, and our family was no different. I could not allow myself to believe that our family was different. I believed that one day my parents would realize what they were doing and change. I desperately wanted their love and approval.

    On the night when my husband and I ended up inside a police station explaining why I thought my father was about to come to my home and hurt me, while my two grown sons waited in the car, I realized I had to wake up.

    My fantasy was over. I could no longer go on pretending our family was just like everyone else. That night I said my last goodbye to my mother as she lied to protect my father. The next day I spoke the last words to my father as he screamed into the phone repeating the lies from my childhood. It was over.

    Giving up the hope that things would get better was the hardest part. I was terrified that I was doing the wrong thing. I thought I was being a bad daughter. I was going against every cherished belief about family.

    It broke my heart to know that my life had been based on an illusion. The picture I had created of my parents was shattered. They had never been there for me, and they never would be.

    I had lied to myself to protect my fantasy and keep them in my life. Now I could no longer do it.

    Over time I began to understand why I had fought so hard to live out the lie, and I began to forgive myself for not being brave enough to stand up earlier.

    One of the problems was my belief that family were always there for each other. That was the cause of my pain and my guilt. The fact that I no longer had them in my life meant that I was going against a code I held close to my heart.

    I had to modify that belief. I had to change my definition of family. It was no longer those to whom I was linked by blood. My family now became the friends who had been there the whole time. People who I knew I could count on when things went wrong. That was never my parents.

    I also realized that I was afraid I was not lovable. In my mind if my own parents could not love me, there had to be something wrong with me.

    I did everything I could to minimize disagreements between us, keeping quiet just to keep the peace. I knew that if I spoke up we would argue, they would get mad at me, and they would not love me. I failed to realize that this was something I only experienced with them.

    It was hard work just to be around them. I was always on edge, cautious, and scared. That was not a loving relationship. I came to accept that if they could not love me, it didn’t change anything about me. I had created other loving relationships around me, and they were the scaffolding holding me up.

    My first Christmas after was hard. I had always gone to my parents’ house to live the fairy tale of being surrounded by love.

    It was always hard to ready myself for those days. We would act out the roles of happy family, hoping in some way that was our truth. It wasn’t. I had no idea how tense I was at these interactions until I no longer had to do it.

    Part of the hurt was that I now had no tradition, so I decided to start a new one. Christmas is no longer a day of obligation. I now spend it with the people who are my true family.

    I’ve come to realize that the love I had for my parents was based on a childhood need for safety and security. I had to see them as the parents who loved me, despite the things they did. I could not accept that the people responsible for my well-being were also responsible for my suffering.

    So much of the world I had created around my parents was simply not real. I have had to accept that truth and move on with my life.

    One of my fears was that by breaking contact with my parents, I was setting an example that my sons could repeat with me. I’d like to think this won’t happen because of my parents.

    The pain of my childhood taught me how important it is for a child to truly feel loved, safe, and cherished. I’ve tried to live that truth with my boys. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I can only hope that the love I’ve shown them will have created a space in their hearts where I will always be thought of with love.

    I try to imagine how I’ll feel when I find out that my parents have died. I honestly don’t know. I’m sure that part of me will be sad that we did not have a better ending. However, I know in my heart of hearts that I tried for over forty years to make it work. In the end, it just wasn’t enough.

    My parents were never who I thought them to be. I have had to let it all go. The fantasy of the perfect ending with them is over. I am setting out on a new horizon where I have redefined my world.

    As abused children, we may feel that it is somehow our responsibility to fix the broken parts of our family. It’s not. Sometimes there is no fairy tale ending where our parents realize how truly wonderful we are.

    The hard part is recognizing that and moving on. Sometimes it’s the only way to find real peace. It’s heartbreaking. It’s not easy. Finding and surrounding yourself with people who truly care for you is your gift to yourself. You deserve that. You will be okay.

    I no longer believe that I have lost my family. I have only now finally recognized who they truly are.

  • How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Speaking Up

    How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Speaking Up

    Woman Covering Mouth

    “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” ~Maggie Kuhn

    For years I was that person who needed to know what would happen in the near future. I wasn’t content with being in the moment and letting things unfold naturally because it made me anxious.

    Knowing, or at least thinking I knew, was a way for me to relax and reassure myself that nothing was going to unexpectedly pop up. The idea of a problem spontaneously arising made me so nervous and anxious that I’d become a doormat instead of speaking up and saying what I really thought.

    For me, a “problem” was somebody who threatened my peaceful near future and, as a result, I would have to figure out a way to subdue them without disrupting my peace too much. Often, I would have to step outside my comfort zone of being a wallflower and deal with people in a way that wouldn’t cause too much hassle.

    I suppose you could say I tried to categorize the people around me according to their mood. In short, I tried to control the uncontrollable—human nature.

    I started to obsess about my friends falling out with me. I’d say goodbye to them and spend an hour afterward worrying that they’d be angry with me and wouldn’t speak to me the next day.

    It was exhausting and constant; I would convince myself that one friend was okay with me and then I’d start to doubt another friend. I remember one time particularly well because to this day I still laugh at how ridiculous it all was, though at the time it was really stressful.

    I had this one friend who started to develop an attitude; where she was once reserved and not confrontational, she was now argumentative and volatile.

    Although I didn’t argue with her, I’d seen her arguing with our other friends and she suddenly seemed really intimidating, definitely not someone I’d want to get on the wrong side of. The fact that she’d sometimes start an argument for no good reason contributed to my fear that she might get angry with me.

    I did everything to keep the peace, but she was prone to spontaneous moods.

    II remember looking at her one day and realizing that I didn’t care if she stopped speaking to me; it seemed ridiculous that I’d wasted so much energy on something so silly.

    When she went off in a mood, I let her go and stayed with our other friends. And the crazy thing is that she came back to me asking what was wrong. Everyone was so used to me being the peacekeeper that when I stopped keeping the peace, they started seeing me as someone who had an opinion instead of the quiet doormat.

    It’s amazing what happens when you stop overthinking and worrying about how things will turn out. When you speak your mind, you send a message to the people around you that you have a voice and you’re not afraid to use it.

    Obviously, I can’t speak for everyone, but I respect someone who says what they’re thinking rather than what they think everyone wants them to say—even if I totally disagree with them.

    Nothing in life is certain, and yet at some point we’ve all tried to desperately cling to something that we’ve wanted to stay the same. Some of us have even compromised our integrity just to hold onto the idea that we’re sure of something.

    There is power in being uncertain and allowing life to flow naturally, responding rather than controlling. When you embrace uncertainty, you respond to the present moment rather than following a plan involving everyone else that only you know about.

    Need help embracing uncertainty so you can start speaking up?

    1. Lose expectations.

    I look at expectations as agreements between two people that only one person knows about. By this I mean you may think you know how a person is going to act—you may even hope—but at the end of the day, nothing is certain.

    Don’t let the thought of “what if?” stop you from speaking up if something bothers you. Let it go; what will be will be.

    2. Follow the Two-Year Rule.

    This means that if you’re worried about a situation and it’s making you anxious, ask yourself whether it will matter in two years.

    Think back a few years to all those times you’ve worried about speaking your mind and being authentic. Are those situations still affecting you today? Assuming you can even remember them, I’m betting they aren’t.

    3. Remember who’s important to you.

    Maybe a colleague is doing something that annoys you or seems to have an issue with you. And you’re stressing about sorting things out because they’re a colleague and you have to work with them and it could get awkward and blah blah blah.

    The truth is, nothing will change unless you do. How important is this person? If you do nothing, things will stay the same, so why not try a different approach and see what happens?

    4. Prepare to disagree.

    It will happen; it’s not all smooth sailing when you decide to stop dancing to the beat of someone else’s drum. Just remain calm and deal with those who are disagreeing with you in a mature manner, even if they’re being immature.

    It’s hard at first, but it pays off when they realize that you don’t have to hide behind shouting to get your point across. Sticking to your guns is like giving yourself a hug; you feel amazing afterward, whatever happens.

    And one last bonus tip: Make time for yourself. When you take the time to relax and unwind, it can do wonders for your confidence, so you won’t fall back into the habit of trying to control everything and not focusing on yourself.

    Woman covering mouth image via Shutterstock

  • A Broken Heart Is an Open Heart

    A Broken Heart Is an Open Heart

    Light in Heart

    “A broken heart is not the same as sadness. Sadness occurs when the heart is stone cold and lifeless. On the contrary, there is an unbelievable amount of vitality in a broken heart.” ~Elizabeth Lesser

    “I love you but I’m not in love with you” was the line my first boyfriend used when he broke up with me. I was twenty-two.

    We were only together six months but I cried over him for a solid year, thinking a few parallel thoughts: “If I were thinner and prettier he would’ve been in love with me,“ “How could he not be in love with me, I’m HILARIOUS,” and “I’m never doing this love thing again. It hurts way too much.”

    Even letting myself fall in love was a big deal. I’d always kept people at a distance—friends and family included—because I didn’t want to be that vulnerable and I didn’t want to feel that much.

    Letting people in meant they might see things they didn’t like or see the things about me that I didn’t like. Being that open left way too much up to chance. I much preferred to control the situation.

    And so, when I let myself fall in love for the first time, I did it with strong boundaries drawn. I monitored the nice things I did for him to make sure I wasn’t going overboard. I checked in with myself frequently to make sure I wasn’t “losing myself” and was careful not to give him “too many” compliments.

    At the time, I thought my approach was very mature. I wasn’t going to be one of those girls who loses her mind and goes gaga for some undeserving dude.

    I would let myself love him, just not too much.

    Looking back now, I was in full-blown defensive mode driven by a deep need to protect my heart from any harm. I’m a mighty deep feeler and, like most humans, quite a sensitive soul, so loving someone just felt like way too much feeling for my delicate system to handle.

    A few years later I met my now ex-husband. He was kind and generous and, as my grandmother said, “He felt like an old shoe.” And so again, I let myself fall in love. A logical, rational, “we make sense together” kind of love.

    I was better with the compliments and did my best to love him through the little things. A home cooked meal, a hug and kiss every night when he walked in the door, a risotto tartlet from the farmer’s market to show I was thinking about him.

    And yet, I didn’t let him in in. I chose him because he was safe to love. I chose him because he would never ask for my whole heart, for my fullest capacity to love. He had no need to see the deeper, darker parts of me that were desperately seeking light, and I had zero interest in showing him.

    At the time, I really thought I loved him as much as I could. And I did, for the time and place we shared together. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone, which felt enormous and vulnerable.

    I’d often have this recurring nightmare where something would happen to him and I’d be left all alone, bereft and broken. I was terrified by the dream, scared out of my mind not by the thought of losing him but by having to feel bereft and broken.

    And then one day, he left. And my heart, for the first time in my life, broke open and all I could do was feel.

    In the weeks and months following our separation, my heartbreak brought me face to face with more pain and more love than I had ever known.

    At times I thought I might break under the strain of their combined weight.

    While shedding horizontal tears that ricocheted off my glasses and ran down my face, as I watched my marriage and home crumble before me, I was able to muster more love for myself and for my pain than I ever could have, for either of us, during our marriage.

    When he left, the wall around my heart came tumbling down. The ice melted off the inner chambers of my soul. The doors to my ability to love swung open, inviting me to feel into those tender places so long ignored.

    It is true. I did not love my ex-husband to my fullest capacity because up until my heart broke open, I could not love myself to such capacity. 

    I was too busy protecting myself from my pain, my needs, his pain, his needs that I walked right past the love that is possible between two people when they open their hearts to one another.

    Know this: A broken heart is an open heart.

    It is in the breaking, when our hearts are peeled back on themselves, that our truths have passage to come in and out.

    If we’re lucky, our hearts will break over and over again to reveal new ways of being, of thinking, and of loving.

    Each break allows our hearts to heal bigger than the time before.

    Yes, there is pain every time we’re cracked open. Immeasurable pain. And with each break, each sting of pain, our hearts are able to expand and strengthen our capacity to love.

    Sunset heart image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Ways to Cope with a Miserable Job

    6 Ways to Cope with a Miserable Job

    “Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

    If you’re feeling miserable in your current job or career, wondering when you’ll be able to do something that makes your heart sing, I know exactly how you feel.

    I spent nearly a decade of my life working in jobs that I despised, having to dig deep every day to make it through another eight hours. All the while, my soul felt like it was dying inside.

    I remember writing one-page memos and having to wait a month while they worked their way through the bureaucracy. Every manager would return the memos, requesting a small, pointless change. By the time the memos were released, I barely recognized the words as my own.

    I knew that I had to get out, that I had to find something more meaningful, something where I could actually make a difference. But getting out of these jobs was hard. Really hard.

    One time, three years into a job, I knew that I needed to make a change. But it took me another three years to save up the money and find the courage to actually walk away. Meanwhile, I struggled to make it through the daily grind.

    Perhaps you’re in a similar situation and wondering how you can continue going to a job you hate, day after day after day, not knowing when or if you’ll be able do something more meaningful.

    I don’t want you to go through what I went through. So here are my suggestions for how to cope when you’re stuck in a career or job and find yourself feeling miserable.

    1. Figure out why you’re miserable and change what you can.

    People can feel miserable for all sorts of reasons. One of the first things you can do is to reflect on why you personally feel miserable in your current situation.

    Perhaps you don’t feel challenged enough in your current position. Or maybe you find the job too stressful. Or perhaps your current work team isn’t a good fit for your personality.

    Rather than accepting your current situation “as-is,” be proactive and work toward improving it. Can you ask your boss for more challenging projects? Can you be transferred to a different team?

    2. Change the stories you tell yourself about your career.

    Most jobs or careers aren’t inherently miserable. We often feel miserable because of the stories we tell ourselves. Your stories about your job are a creation of your mind and are neither true nor false. They’re simply stories.

    Misery is created when we create and cling to stories such as “I can’t stand this,” “This is awful,” or “I should be doing something else with my life.”

    If you want to feel less miserable in your current situation, then change your stories to something neutral or even positive. For example, you could tell yourself “This isn’t really that bad” or “I will continue working toward a meaningful career. What I’m doing right now is only temporary.”

    Those stories are equally as “true” as the negative stories that you’re currently telling yourself. Next time you catch yourself repeating one of your negative stories, see if you can replace it with a more positive story.

    3. Shift your perspective—it’s not as bad as you think.

    Throughout the world, there are millions and millions of people who would be confused if you told them that you were miserable in your current job. They’re making a lot less money, while working longer hours, and often in far worse conditions. They’d change positions with you in a heartbeat.

    When you’re feeling miserable in your job or your career, try thinking about these people and remembering that your situation may not be as bad as you think. Things may be far from ideal, but they could also be much, more worse.

    4. Build meaning however you can.

    While it may be easier for you to create meaning in some careers than others, you can always create meaning right where you are. Find the one or two things that you like about you current job situation and focus your time and energy on those.

    For example, I’ve worked in many government jobs that I found boring and repetitive. But I always had co-workers that I enjoyed talking to and spending time with. Those relationships were what provided me with meaning and helped me cope with the day to day drudgery.

    5. Connect your job to other values.

    If you can’t find anything meaningful about your current job, then try connecting your job to other values.

    For example, if you value providing financial support to your family, then focus on how your current job allows you to fill that value. Put up photos wherever you can of your family and periodically look at those photos and remind yourself how important it is for you to support them.

    Or perhaps your job provides you with ample time off to pursue other activities that you value. Again, focus on how lucky you are to have a job that provides you with that opportunity.

    6. Focus on other parts of your life.

    Finally, if nothing else works, you can always focus your energy on other parts of your life. Simply accept that it will take time to move to a more meaningful career. And that for now, your work won’t be a primary source of meaning in your life.

    And then put your focus and energy into creating meaning in other parts of your life.

    Build the best, most meaningful relationships that you can. Explore all sorts of different hobbies or explore one hobby in-depth. Get involved in volunteer activities that provide you with a sense of meaning.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to change careers in order to do something that you personally find meaningful. I’ve done it several times myself. But making a career change can take time.

    There’s no reason for you to be miserable where you are right now, always waiting for a better future to arrive. Try using some of the suggestions above and see if you can improve your current situation while also taking steps toward a more meaningful, future career.

  • The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

    The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

    Woman with Outstretched Arms

    “Accepting, allowing, and interacting with your life as though it is exactly as it should be, without making yourself wrong (or right) for what you discover is the way to Self-Realization.” ~Ariel Kane

    When you’re confused about what to do next, fully surrendering to the possibilities will help you see a clear path ahead.

    It all started the day I had lunch with my university friend Sarah.

    Sarah had been traveling since graduation and was full of exotic tales about life in other countries—different languages, foods, and cultures.

    What she was experiencing sounded amazing. She told me she had no plans to settle down and was, in fact, preparing to pack her bags again soon and travel to the UK.

    Several of our mutual friends were already there, and Sarah extended the invitation to me to travel with her. The idea sounded fantastic and I wanted to jump at the opportunity. I’d always been interested in travel, and this seemed like the perfect chance to have the adventure of a lifetime.

    The trouble was that I had recently embarked on my career. I was working for a reputable company on a specific project. This was work I had dreamed of pursuing while obtaining my degree, and it wasn’t an ideal time to pack up and leave.

    To compound this, I also had a strong sense of wanting to do the decent thing by my boss and my colleagues, which meant seeing the project through to completion.

    On the flipside, I was worried that if I didn’t go traveling with Sarah, I would miss my chance entirely. For weeks I was conflicted—paralyzed by confusion and completely frustrated with myself because I was totally incapable of making a decision.

    I was caught in one of those classic scenarios where you have your heart whispering in your left ear and your brain nagging in your right ear, both with opposing views.

    While leaving with Sarah sounded very tempting, I could not summon the courage to quit my job. My inner-conflict was all encompassing.

    In the end, tired of waiting for me to make up my mind, Sarah left without me.

    Over the following weeks, at every opportunity I dawdled around bookshops flipping through travel guides. I finished the work project and, as the assignment came to an end, I discovered that I had enjoyed it immensely even though at times I had been very distracted.

    I also discovered that I had a real talent for the work I was doing. As a result of my dedication and commitment, the firm rewarded me with another opportunity—a promotion and a pay rise.

    Ultimately, the extra money in my pay packet meant that I could afford to go and visit my friends, and this is eventually what I did. Down the track, I ended up enjoying the best of both opportunities, although at the time I did not know that it was going to work out that way.

    What I know now, looking back, is that by actively not making a decision about traveling versus my career, I was practicing the art of allowing.

    I sat with the confusion I felt. Even though it felt like I was really stuck, I was in fact, surrendering to the natural ebb and flow of my life and letting the next thing come to me.

    These days I try to practice the art of allowing more consciously, especially at times when I feel deeply conflicted and my head and heart are giving me different messages.

    When you’re in a state of confusion, resistance can easily set in. This causes anger, fear, panic, tension, and stress. Then, as a consequence of these emotions, we can also feel tempted to force a decision. But it is at exactly these times—when we are most uneasy—that we need to practice the art of allowing.

    Sometimes it takes real effort to do nothing and simply be in the experience. Especially because most of us want control, and we feel the need to be in charge of every aspect of our lives, especially at junctures when we perceive that our present circumstances are under the threat of change.

    But by practicing the art of allowing, we accept that change is constant. We also accept that control is an illusion. And when we slow down, relax, and simply observe what is happening in our lives, we can also sense how these things make us feel.

    We also need to have faith that our instincts (our inner-built compass) will tell us when the time is right to reach out for an opportunity. 

    When we do this, we’re truly living in the present. And we open up the scope for lasting and transformational change, secure in the knowledge that our journey is as individual as we are and that whatever comes next is meant to be.

    Woman with outstretched arms image via Shutterstock

  • The Grass Is Greener

    The Grass Is Greener

    Grass Is Greener