Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Getting Real in a World of Fake

    Getting Real in a World of Fake

    Selfie Image

    “Nobody wants to be lonely. Everybody wants to belong to a group. The crowd is essential for the false self to exist. The moment it is lonely you start freaking out. Particularly in the West they have not discovered a methodology to uncover the real. To be an individual is the greatest courage. It does not matter that the whole world is against me. What matters is that my experience is valid. Don’t die before realizing your authentic self.” ~ Osho

    Authenticity. Courage. Vulnerability. We hear these words so often they’ve become a part of our daily language. But how often do we stop to investigate what they actually mean?

    I grew up within the gates of a fundamentalist religion that didn’t just discourage conformity, it taught us daily to demonstrate our opposition to the status quo. We were trained to speak about the awkward and practice the uncomfortable, sometimes in the face of hostile reactions.

    And so it was that, as a child, I learned the skill of both living boldly and sticking my foot into a person’s door so they would listen to what I had to say.

    Over the years, my vantage point became one of lone observation, both within my own “tribe” and when I was at school.

    I organized most people’s behavior into some variation of a desire for acceptance by their group. They wanted to follow a leader, or less often, to be one, all out of fear that if one is not accepted, one is somehow less worthy.

    At the time, I didn’t understand the great sacrifice people made for acceptance, stuffing away their uniqueness and covering it with a superficiality that was pleasing and likeable.

    Eventually, I left my own cloistered tribe after concluding that true radicalism is one’s ability to be courageously real—not in a bid to be different and unique, and therefore, somehow superior, but only to live according to what one believes.

    If you are on a path of seeking the real and avoiding the fake:

    1. Keep connected with the opposite of your tribe.

    We selected our friends because they make us feel good and they share similar tastes and desires. But with no challenge to our status quo, we risk losing out on vital learning.

    Our brain schemas are designed to accept familiar information and discard what doesn’t fit with our versions of reality. This makes for groupthink that ranges from boring to dangerous.

    Akin to the Facebook feed that caters to more of what we already like and know and creates homogenization, our tribe, bless them, are also prone to unconditionally support us, even when we are being unwise or thoughtless.

    While their support may feel good, it is also a disservice when they reinforce our faulty thinking and don’t question our actions.

    I have come to see a good friend as someone who can hold me kindly but boldly in the space of our relationship and ask, “What on earth are you thinking?”

    So don’t ditch all your old friends (unless you need to), but do challenge your viewpoints by talking and listening to the person you think is weird, reading the book that makes you shift uncomfortably, and exploring the activity that evokes a bit of fear.

    Instead of rejecting new ideas outright, play with them, think them through critically, and then keep or discard them.

     2. Start being real with people.

    The greatest challenge here is that we first have to be real with ourselves. This means becoming unmasked and accepting our strengths and foibles without shame.

    Only then can we begin to be real with others, because there will be nothing of us to hide.

    If we can accept our full, awkward humanity, then we can learn how to extend ourselves openly into what aligns with us and feels right, our purpose.

    We will know when to say “no” and when to say “hell yes.” We will speak our minds and take scary steps not because we have lost all sense of fear, but because we know we can be afraid and do it anyways.

    And we can meet conflict directly, without the misalignments that grow from avoidance, denial, and gossip.

    Speaking of gossip, when we are being real, we won’t do it.

    When we hear it, we will state that if a person has a problem with someone else, they should speak to them directly. And we will have no part in cliques that exclude others. Instead, we will seek other intrepid explorers, who also embrace life with the exclamation, “let’s be free of all of that.”

    3. Be in life instead of capturing it for Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.

    I don’t know about you, but I reject the idea of capturing all of our sacred moments for social media instead of living them. And I battle with this personally, because I’m a documenter, but I favor tipping the scales toward real.

    In the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, the famous and elusive photographer Sean O’Connell, played by Sean Penn, travels to the Himalayas for a shot of a rare snow leopard. Mitty tracks him down, and the two of them, perched out on a mountaintop, wait for the cat, who finally makes an appearance.

    Instead of taking the shot, O’Connell moves from the camera and watches. When Mitty asks him when he’ll take the photo, O’Connell replies, “Sometimes I don’t. If I like a moment. I mean me, personally, I don’t like to have the distraction of the camera. I just wanna stay… in it… right there. Right here.”

    You likely already know why this moment is valuable: it’s the only thing that’s real.

    You know exactly what you are losing. The tender touch your lover just gave you that you absentmindedly ignored. Lost. The book that lays on your lap unread, your son having placed it there long ago until he tired of waiting. Lost.

    Real time, with all its tastes, smells, and sensations, is irreplaceable. You have a choice each moment about who, and where, you want to be.

    4. Be in nature.

    If where you want to be is real, then immerse yourself in the greatest antidote for fake that we have in a social media obsessed, email-, text-, and like-checking society. Leave your phone alone when you are with the mountains, trees, or by the lake, with your beloved, your friends, or your little ones. It is rude and dismissive of their essence and humanity.

    Besides, at the end you lose out. Because there is no amount of screen time that can rival the pleasure of just one kiss, blowing all the wishes off a dandelion, or a deep breath of mountain pine.

    Selfie image via Shutterstock

  • A Letter to a Kindergartener: 7 Lessons for a Life Well-Lived

    A Letter to a Kindergartener: 7 Lessons for a Life Well-Lived

    Happy Child

    “Great is the human who has not lost his childlike heart.” ~Mencius

    I have an amazing sister who is currently in kindergarten. I wrote her a letter summarizing everything I’d like her to know as she goes through life. It occurred to me that these lessons are things we could all stand to remember, so I’ve decided to share it here.

    Dear Natasha,

    Times are hectic now. It won’t be long until I leave home and move to a magical place we seniors call “college.”

    I have one semester left to learn from amazing teachers, one season left to wrestle and lift my heart out, and one chance left to live a high school life. It’s safe to say that I’m pretty sentimental right now.

    I’m about to leave the system that you’re just entering. By the time you read this letter, you will not know me as a grade school student. Before I miss this opportunity, I’m going to share with you some brotherly advice as a non-adult.

    1. Maintain a childlike imagination.

    When I was your age, I would make living room forts out of blankets and couches. I was an unsung hero fighting bad guys that didn’t exist. Imagination was my world, as it is for most of us as kids, but we naturally lose our imagination when we get older.

    Imagination is the key ingredient to creativity, innovation, and making dreams come true. With imagination, educators can develop more inspiring teaching methods. With imagination, physicists can come up with a world-changing theory. With imagination, authors can write classic novels. The world needs imaginative people. Even Einstein stressed imagination over knowledge.

    Schools tend to underemphasize creativity. Whatever you do—whether music, art, or poetry—find a creative outlet and don’t let go of it. Challenge reality. Change it. Create it. Write your story and share it with the world.

     2. Try new things.

    Every time you try something new, you broaden your horizons. At the age of five, that might mean eating something other than macaroni and cheese. However, as you grow up, you’ll have countless opportunities to try new things. Sports. Hangouts. Musical instruments. The list goes on.

    If you go out and experiment with many new experiences, I can promise that you will find something surprising that you’ll love. Even if you don’t like new experiences, trying new things will help you grow as a person.

    People naturally fear the unknown. That’s a silly fear if you ask me. Imagine a world without new experiences. Life would be drab and without risks. Exploring and discovering yourself is an exhilarating part of life, and I hope that you will grow up with many interests and passions.

    3. Write down your goals and dreams.

    Writing your goals will motivate you, focus your mind, keep you accountable, and arm you with purpose. Pick up a pen. Find something to write on. Tape it somewhere you visit every day. My hope is that, when looking at your written goals, you will recognize that you are in control.

    Goals are important because they help accomplish dreams, and dreams are important because they influence action. At the start of every big human accomplishment is a dream that has yet to happen.

    The Wright Brothers did not have government funding or a ton of cash, but they did not let that stop them. They financed themselves with a humble bicycle shop and became the first humans to accomplish flight. It all started with imagination, an inspiring dream, and well-planned goals.

    Whatever your dreams may be, I hope you set goals and have the initiative to pursue them. A lot of people are capable of doing great things. Some people dream of doing so. Not many people set the goals to do so.

    4. Make things happen.

    There is nothing wrong with living an ordinary life, but I see a lot of people with big dreams that never happen because they do not take the initiative to make things happen.

    True dreamers are those who make their own opportunities, pave their own paths, and follow through with sheer fervor. If you ever get stuck without knowing what to do, look for places to start. Life favors those who live actively. Bottom line, if you ever want to do something, go do it.

    5. Don’t stop at failure.

    Failure does not happen when you fall down. Failure happens when you refuse to get up. Life is full of obstacles both big and small, and everyone has experienced these difficulties before.

    Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with ALS and given only two years to live; yet he persevered to become one of the greatest theoretical physicists in history.

    Martin Luther King Jr. managed to love the very people who hated him.

    Helen Keller, despite her blindness and deafness, managed to change the world with her activism.

    Whatever hurdles you face, realize that you are greater than your obstacles.

    6. Time is more valuable than money.

    Money is not the key to happiness. It’s replaceable and unfulfilling. If you’re a materialist, you likely won’t feel grateful or happy because you’ll always want more.

    Unlike money, you can’t replace time when it’s gone. Once you spend it, time exists only as a memory. Use your time well. Do things that matter to you, things that are priceless. Create unforgettable memories. Time is your life; money is not.

    7. Be yourself. Have fun. Do what you love.

    I think I have a good formula for a happy life: make the most out of my college life and education, become an engineer, write a book, pay for a stranger’s groceries, continue aging my cheese, take my future family out for some gelato at Wisconsin Dells, and do something great for society.

    I won’t measure my life’s success by wealth and social status; rather, I’ll measure myself by happiness.

    I hope you approach life with a similar attitude. Explore your surroundings. Make some meaningful friends. Live your own life. Everyone is born with different traits, tastes, and skills. It is up to you to find out what makes you happy.

    —

    As meaningful as I take my brotherly advice to be, I’m just one person with a strong opinion. I can’t explain everything. No one can. It’s up to you to search for answers and define yourself.

    Your awesome brother,

    Kevin

    Happy child image via Shutterstock

  • Keeping Your Word and Showing Up in Your Relationships

    Keeping Your Word and Showing Up in Your Relationships

    Friends

    “The simplest deed is better than the greatest intention.” ~John Burroughs

    In former times, a person’s word was his “bond.”

    In fact, major business deals were transacted and solidified with a simple promise and a firm handshake. It was that basic.

    Court cases were reserved for hardened criminals, not contractual breaches. And trust? It was as much of a commodity as stocks and bonds.

    I miss those days.

    Based upon a number of personal and professional interactions over the last couple of years, it seems that not enough folks consider their word as binding, particularly when it comes to friends honoring verbal (or email) commitments.

    Don’t get me wrong: I recognize that “shift happens.” But being fickle can cause detriment to relationships, violate trust, and ruin reputations.

    Here’s a case in point: Earlier this year, I was immersed in numerous activities surrounding two major events, the first being my twenty year anniversary as the president and founder of a community based arts organization, and the other my thirty-eighth birthday (the sequel).

    Around April, I reached out to my small network of close friends to lend a hand, provide donations, or show support simply through their physical attendance at this highly anticipated two-day gala.

    After all, it’s not every day that a girl celebrates twenty years of faithful service, or their thirty-eighth birthday twice, right?

    As expected, the initial response was pretty good. Some pledged to bring food and drinks, while others confirmed they would minimally be on the scene to help celebrate and serve as hostesses.

    Fast forward…it’s the weekend of the big event, ushered in with a Saturday framed in near-perfect weather and attendance by old acquaintances and new. Though it was a nice sized crowd for the gathering, when I scanned the faces, I noticed that four friends failed to show up; some didn’t even call to offer apologies or explanations.

    Of the ones that didn’t show up, two were supposed to bring dishes and drinks that I relied on to complete my carefully planned menu, which left me scrambling to make last minute substitutions and some experimental combinations. Not cool.

    In all fairness, I should add that overall these pals are quality people who have added greatly to my quality of life over the years. I have been able to count on them for moral support, constructive criticism, and even an emergency loan or two.

    As such, this is not intended to diminish them in any way. It’s for edification. I’d like to think of it as a Public Service Message.

    We’re all busy. Demanding jobs, elderly parents, personal obligations, projects around the house—it seems that the list never ends.

    Still, friendships require ongoing give and take and sacrifice. There‘s no need to keep an open tally of who does what, or when, just a moral obligation to be honest, accountable, and trustworthy—to respond to an S.O.S when it’s issued.

    The role of a true friend is to uplift, not to let down.

    Amid all the chaos and uncertainty of the day, I kept smiling and the function ended on a high note. Thankfully.

    In retrospect, I never want to have a “Plan B” when dealing with “A-list” friends.

    Determined to make this a “teachable moment,” here’s what I concluded after I took the time to reflect. Perhaps these lessons will serve you well in future times too.

    People define friendship differently.

    Just because you share history together does not mean you should necessarily share a future. Choose friends with a similar value system for greater compatibility and lasting results.

    Don’t be bitter, be better.

    Look for the opportunities in adversity. With this situation, I was forced to have some heart-to-heart chats with friends (that were long overdue), that hopefully will lead to a better understanding of our relationship needs and foster greater respect moving forward.

    A wise man once said, “We teach people how to treat us by the things we accept.”

    If something a friend has done causes you to feel betrayed or offended, speak up, gently. Don’t let wounds fester, or suffer in silence. There are far too many people carrying grudges against others who have no idea what they’ve done wrong, and as such, they can‘t apologize or correct their behavior.

    Most importantly, remember that not keeping your word can cause you to lose valued friendships.

    And more often than not, it’s really not worth the gamble.

    Best friends image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Exercises from Positive Psychology to Boost Your Happiness

    6 Exercises from Positive Psychology to Boost Your Happiness

    “The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.” ~William Penn

    A friend recently asked me, “What’s the worst habit you’ve overcome?”

    “Besides eating chocolate for breakfast?” I joked. “That would be complaining.”

    I used to be an incessant complainer. Whining was practically in my DNA. When I was growing up, my father blamed the weather for his tennis elbow, the traffic, and his subpar golf game, and he frequently formed judgments and assumptions about other people.

    If we drove by a neighbor’s nicely manicured lawn, he’d whisper that the house was bought “for a steal,” while waving to the owner. When his colleagues vacationed in Hawaii, he presumed that family money financed the trip.

    So it wasn’t surprising when I started criticizing my friends during disagreements, or when I hit below the belt when my best friend invited another friend to Disneyland.

    I admit, it felt good at first—powerful even. But soon after, I felt sad and guilty.

    My turning point came during the fourth grade when my teacher gently pulled me aside one day after recess. “You know, sometimes we think our situation is worse than it is. But life is pretty great when you start noticing what’s going right.”

    Though the lesson was indirect, Ms. Braun taught me the gift of gratitude. And gratitude is one reason I love positive psychology.

    Positive psychology encourages us to question which thoughts and actions we can change to become happier.

    This intentional focus inspires us to cultivate positive emotions, nurture relationships, and commit acts of kindness.

    The following exercises can help improve your emotional well-being, and someone else’s, too.

    Exercise #1: Three funny things

    Write down three funny things you experienced in a given day, and why those things happened. For example, was this something you were directly involved in, something you observed, or something spontaneous?

    When you can laugh at yourself and your circumstances, it means that you don’t take life too seriously. Best of all, laughing is contagious!

    Exercise #2: Journaling

    Journaling provides a snapshot of a moment in time. Not only does journaling create a healthy habit of self-reflection, it allows us to document positive changes to our thinking and our actions, and it helps us transition from a bad mood to a good one.

    For example, if you earned a promotion at work this week, you would recount:

    • How it happened (through hard work and spending fifteen minutes double-checking my numbers)
    • Why it happened (I took the initiative to apply for the promotion.)
    • What I did right (I talked to senior executives in the company about the best ways to improve job performance.)
    • How I helped this happen (I gave up watching my favorite TV shows and read trade publications and stock reports instead.)

    Next, record one activity that you didn’t like and how you can address it. For example:

    I snapped at my roommate when she came home late on Thursday and woke me up.

    Problem-solve the following:

    • How this is keeping me stuck (I couldn’t fall back asleep because I obsessed over how inconsiderate she is.)
    • What thoughts and actions I can take to get unstuck (I can be more flexible; after all, she’s a grown-up and doesn’t need a curfew. I can buy earplugs and wear them when she goes out during the week.)

    Exercise #3: Write your future diary

    Whether you’re trying to eat healthier, studying for an advanced degree, or starting your own business, the time between being an apprentice and reaching your goal can seem like an eternity. Envisioning your future can be a great motivating factor to get you over the slump.

    Close your eyes and picture your future. Focus on how life will be different and what changes will be in place. Reflect on how you’ll feel and on how others will respond to the new, improved you.

    Most importantly, think about how you’ll utilize the habits, skills, and talents you’re learning now to benefit others.

    Exercise #4: Count kindness gestures

    Keep a record of all the kind acts that you do in a particular day, and the acts of kindness you witness. These can be as simple as placing the morning newspaper at your neighbor’s doorstep, helping an elderly person cross the street, or smiling at strangers.

    Exercise #5: Gratitude visit

    Think of someone you should thank, someone who’s been helpful or kind to you (and not a family member, partner, or spouse).

    Write a letter to this person, including details about how they’ve helped you and the lasting impact this has had on you.

    Arrange to meet up with your friend and tell them you have something to read to them. After you finish reading the letter, present it as a gift.

    A lovely gesture, though entirely optional, is to put the letter in a frame, or to laminate it.

    Exercise #6: Cultivate a positive outlook

    Despite the bad things that happen daily, it’s important to remember that the world is basically a safe place.

    We all suffer pain and trauma. People who find the good in every situation possess the resilience to bounce back more quickly.

    When you intentionally choose positivity, you look inward for resources and you trust your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Life still brings pain and heartache, but you know there’s a way out.

    After dropping my son off for school last week, I found myself feeling sad and scared for no reason. What if something bad happens and I never see him again?

    I knew these thoughts were futile, yet it was hard to shake the doom as I watched his disappearing frame recede amongst the sea of middle school students.

    I then breathed deeply, closed my eyes, and reminded myself that my feelings are not facts, and I could get myself on the other side of anxiety with intentional action.

    I looked around and savored the trees, the fresh air, the morning sunlight, and the giggly teens eagerly running toward the crossing guard at the edge of the street.

    I focused on the simple beauty around me. And then it dawned on me: The difference between people who complain and those who do not is utter appreciation and gratitude for what you have, right here and right now.

  • We’re All a Little Broken

    We’re All a Little Broken

    We Are All a Little Broken

  • Forgiving and Refusing to Let Bad Things Change Us

    Forgiving and Refusing to Let Bad Things Change Us

    Woman watching sunset

    “Humbleness, forgiveness, clarity and love are the dynamics of freedom. They are the foundations of authentic power.” ~Gary Zukav

    It was a little after 9:00 PM when my mother’s next-door neighbor called upset, hysterical even. Within seconds of hearing her voice, I knew something wasn’t right.

    I was getting one of those calls that everyone dreads. Deep breath. She said that my mother had been brutally attacked and had been taken to the hospital.

    Breathe Leslie.

    “What happened?” I asked in my calmest voice, trying hard to listen and not react. “Where is she? What hospital?”

    A family friend had taken advantage of my mother’s kindness. My mother had prepared a special birthday dinner for him, but that wasn’t enough. He wanted more, he wanted money, so he hit her repeatedly over the head with a wooden statue, hoping that she would give in.

    For years, he helped Mom with odd jobs around the house, and now he was her assailant. The amount of blood loss, the tears, the hurt and betrayal—it was the beginning of the longest year of my life.

    Prior to this incident, I was obsessed about living “the dream,” but the truth is I wasn’t happy. I was a control freak who suddenly felt out of control. My desire to marry and have the perfect family no longer seemed important.

    After waiting for hours in the hospital, I entered my mother’s room and broke down at the sight of her ballooned face and shaved head. She was unrecognizable.

    How could he have done this to the sweetest woman on earth? She’s alive, so why am I still angry?

    Many of my friends and family members thought I’d be more equipped to handle an incident of this magnitude, since I’m a licensed social worker who works with non-profit organizations and families. But it was beyond challenging, and there was still so much work and healing to be done.

    Some days later, my mother told us the entire story. She said that when the wooden statue broke, her former handyman grabbed a large crystal vase to continue the beating.

    My mother was fighting back and yelling at him to stop. Then all of the sudden he turned around, gently set the vase on the dining room table, and walked out the front door.

    He had spared her life, and yet I still felt surges of anger flood my body several times throughout the day.

    My mother didn’t start to resemble herself until her second week in physical therapy. Her hair was growing back and she could smile again. I felt relieved because it meant that she had survived.

    As soon as she was able to formulate thoughts and words, she expressed her well wishes toward her attacker. By the time her physical therapy sessions had ended, she had completely forgiven him.

    We knew he had a history of substance abuse, and his defense attorney tried to plead mental illness. He may have been under the influence of drugs when he attacked her, though we can’t be sure.

    Regardless of what compelled him to commit such a horrible act, my mother recognized a hidden blessing in this tragedy: she’d wanted to move closer to her family for some time, and she’d been putting it off until this incident.

    This was the catalyst for something that’s made her genuinely happy, and that helped her let go and forgive.

    A Testament of Love and Forgiveness

    In the book, The Giant Within Us, it reads, “Forgiveness is the miracle of a new beginning. It is to start where we are, not where we wish we were.” I kept hoping to be where my mother was in her process of forgiving, but I wasn’t. This frustrated me.

    When it came to me letting go of the hurt and anger, my approach was vastly different than my mother’s.

    Three practices that worked for me were:

    • Practicing yoga and meditating
    • Expressing gratitude coupled with positive thinking
    • Energy healing

    In the morning, I practiced yoga and meditation, which introduced calm to my day and helped me realize there was so much for which to be grateful.

    When the hurt and anger resurfaced, I brought my attention to my mother’s smile and the sound of her sweet voice until my thoughts faded into nothingness again.

    On the days when I felt extremely low, doing my best in the moment and being positive were equally important. I spent some afternoons walking on my treadmill while watching sci-fi movies. It’s all I had energy for at the time and I told myself that it was okay.

    Months after the attack, a friend suggested that I reach out to an energy healer or practitioner because I was having trouble sleeping. The sessions were relaxing, which greatly decreased my overall stress level.

    The result was that I felt more balanced and clear-headed, and over time the pain and anger disappeared.

    My mother joined a Senior Citizen Center to spend more time outdoors and enjoy life with her peers. She also found peace through engaging in therapy sessions to address her post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

    It’s interesting how my journey of forgiveness involved going inward, whereas my mother focused on external activities. However, we both learned that forgiveness means taking back the power we may have given to someone else for their wrongdoings.

    It’s a personal choice that requires a great deal of commitment, compassion, and patience.

    My mother’s response to the world before and after her attack is to do her part by expressing love, gratitude, and compassion. Her attitude contributed to her steady recovery.

    Mom refused to let the incident change her, and that’s why she’s not only surviving but thriving. Whenever something bad happens, we have a choice: we can get bitter or we can get better. My mom chose the latter. Which will you choose?

    Woman watching sunset image via Shutterstock

  • Let Go of Past Mistakes: 6 Steps To Forgiving Yourself

    Let Go of Past Mistakes: 6 Steps To Forgiving Yourself

    “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~ Christine Mason Miller 

    Sometimes you do or say things you regret. If you’ve experienced this recently, you might be struggling to forgive yourself, especially if your actions hurt someone you love.

    A few months ago, I had a falling out with a friend. It happened like most misunderstandings do: swiftly and unexpectedly. I barely had time to comprehend what was happening.

    My friend was trying to convince me to join him in a business venture, which I politely tried to decline. After a while of us going back and forth, my patience was wearing thin, and he began to appear less like a friend and more like a pushy salesman.

    He then made a comment that I interpreted as a personal insult. I immediately became angry and lashed out. I thought I was justified in my reaction, but upon reflection, I realized that I had misunderstood his words and rushed to judgment.

    Even after a follow-up conversation, with my apologies and all, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a terrible mistake. I feared that our relationship would never be the same.

    That episode in my life led me to think about the ways we get hung up on our personal failures. They can threaten to keep us stuck in the past and define who we are going forward.

    My personal reflection and experience yielded the following seven steps to forgiving yourself:

    1. Name what you have done.

    Before you can forgive yourself, you must gain some clarity about what happened. Begin by writing down the details of the events and your own actions that contributed to the situation.

    Resist the need to blame any other people or external circumstances, and focus only on yourself. You may experience intense vulnerability when you do this exercise. Engage this vulnerability by compassionately owning it rather than suppressing it.

    In my own situation, I justified my actions by focusing on my friend’s uncharacteristically aggressive behavior. Once I was willing to focus on my own behavior, I could see more clearly that I had judged his words too quickly.

    2. Ask for forgiveness.

    Asking for forgiveness is not easy. Your willingness to approach a person you have hurt means you’re admitting you have done wrong and are sorry for it.

    Avoid minimizing your responsibility by using phrases like, “I’m sorry if…” or, “I’m sorry but…” I knew that I needed to apologize to my friend and take full responsibility for my actions. I simply named the wrong I had done to him and asked for forgiveness.

    3. Forgive yourself every time negative thoughts intrude.

    Sometimes we struggle to forgive ourselves, even when we have been forgiven.

    After my friend and I had resolved our situation, I continued to experience guilt and negative thoughts about my actions.

    I eventually learned that self-forgiveness is not a one-time deal—it’s a gradual process. Every time self-loathing thoughts surfaced, I would take a deep breath and exhale all the negativity I was feeling. You can do some similar act of kindness toward yourself when negative thoughts emerge.

    4. Show up and let yourself be seen.

    This idea comes from Dr. Brené Brown, whose research on vulnerability and shame has helped many people gain the courage to show up for their lives rather than sit on the sidelines—or worse, hide in shame.

    When facing painful personal mistakes, the temptation to shut down and disengage is strong.

    I found myself avoiding interactions with my friend because I was afraid he would judge me or remind me of what happened in the past. Once I had the courage to show up, I quickly discovered that my fears were unfounded.

    If you struggle with showing up, know that you have gained much wisdom that can help your future relationships thrive if you have the strength to show up and try again.

    5. Be grateful for your mistakes.

    It might seem strange to express gratitude for our mistakes, especially the embarrassing and painful ones. But think back to a time when you exercised poor judgment or did something you regretted. How has the experience changed you? Did it make you wiser, stronger, or more discerning?

    I learned the dangers of having a quick temper and rushing to judgment. Now when I am upset, I try to give myself some time and space to reflect rather than react. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow in these ways.

    And if you can learn to see your mistakes in such a light—as opportunities to grow—you can be grateful for them too.

     6. Radically love all of who you are.

    Joseph Campbell once said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” So be who you are, not who you used to be. Celebrate who you have become in spite of, or even because of, your past mistakes.

    My own mistakes and flaws have helped me become a better person to my friend, and that will ultimately strengthen my friendships going forward.

    So love all of who you are, including your past mistakes, and you’ll only grow stronger from them.

    You Are Worthy of Forgiveness

    These steps are not always easy to follow—especially during times when we have truly messed up. But we can recover from our mistakes, learn from them, forgive ourselves, and move on with our lives.

    You are worthy of your own love and forgiveness. Believe it with every fiber of your being.

    Commit to practicing these steps daily, even on those days when you’d rather not.

    Resolve to forgive yourself. Resolve to free yourself of the past. Resolve to live in the present. And look toward the future with hope and optimism.

  • What You Think You Want Might Not Be What You Need

    What You Think You Want Might Not Be What You Need

    Woman Daydreaming

    “The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.” ~Unknown

    I got on that twelve-hour flight thinking I was ready. Yet during the travel from my house to the airport to Belgium, my feelings were suspiciously neutral.

    I neither hated where I was nor felt strong emotional attachment. Less than two weeks later, those emotions came out, full force. Ten days into graduate school in Belgium, I realized that this wasn’t what I wanted.

    Everyone told me to stay, to tough it out. I didn’t realize then that their advice was for them—that my peers wanted to stay in school, and my friends wanted to have a life in some exotic land like Europe.

    That’s when I realized that everyone comes from a different place—everyone has different values and desires—and their opinions should not dictate how we feel about our choices.

    When I decided to quit school, everyone was against it. One peer clutched my arm tightly, as if I’d just told her that today was the end of the world. Some even got angry.

    At first I was affected by the overflow of emotions, until I realized that what I did had no permanent effect on their lives, regardless of how they reacted.

    Wants vs. Needs

    I was an overstrung, high achiever in both high school and college. I played by the rules and did what I was told. And I was addicted to status.

    Advisors and teachers told me that I should apply for the Fulbright scholarship, that I should join Peacecorps—it’d be wonderful, it’d be life-changing. I did what others deemed best for me, and it made me reliant on them and ignorant of my own instincts and desires.

    After graduating from college I needed a rest from it all, but used to going full-steam ahead, I kept pushing. I hoped I could start graduate school in Germany or France, leaving myself only a two-month break after years of schooling.

    But every school I applied to rejected me. Though I cried after received those long-awaited letters, I now realize this was a blessing in disguise.

    That year, I went “nowhere.” I felt unhappy, stuck, and lost. But I kept applying, hoping for an adventure for the following year.

    During that time, I decided to distract myself. I wrote more. I exercised more. I tried to laugh a little bit more. I fell in love with krav maga and found a community of people who I rejoiced in seeing almost every day.

    Then I was accepted into a masters program in Belgium for the following year.

    Life was going to be okay because I finally got what I wanted; I was going to Belgium in six months!

    During the countdown, though, as I trained more and had more time to myself, I began wavering.

    Gone were the moments of nervousness, fear, and apprehension that were so constant post-graduation. I found myself living in the moment more often. My skin was clearing up I was shedding stress-induced weight; I was going out more. I stopped dreaming about being away.

    After a particularly grueling session in class, my krav maga instructor came over to me with a smile and said, “Once you’ve traveled the world and seen everything you want, come back here, where you belong.”

    I laughed at first and said, “Sure,” thinking in my head that I’d probably be gone forever.

    Guess who was right in the end?

    Fear vs. Lack of Desire

    People always told me to “try it,” and “just do it,” and that seemed like a good life motto. Never let fear hold you back. But what I was experiencing before leaving for Belgium wasn’t fear; it was a lack of desire.

    My first time studying abroad in Taiwan was nerve wracking but brimming with anticipation. I cried over late documents and panicked over lost plane tickets, but no matter what, the final destination was Taiwan.

    I broke off a long-term relationship, I studied hard into the night, but I knew that it was well worth it.

    The night before I left, I began wondering if I was doing the right thing, if I could leave home for the first time for a whole year. That thought passed as quickly as it had appeared. I departed, and am glad I did, because I knew that it was the right thing for me to do. How did I know? I felt passionate.

    Fast-forward three years later: going to Belgium wasn’t what I wanted. I just couldn’t admit that. I didn’t print my plane ticket until twelve hours before my flight. I didn’t pack until a day before I left. I just didn’t care to go to Belgium anymore.

    Apathy is said to be worse than love or hate. I was entirely apathetic about my “next adventure.”

    I’ve learned that fear is different than a lack of desire, and even if we don’t listen to our instincts right away, we can always tune in and honor what we hear. Accept what happened, accept that your desires have changed, and listen more closely to what you really want and need.

    Our instincts not only keep us safe but can help guide us through life.

    Woman daydreaming image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Create a Truly Rich and Meaningful Life

    4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Create a Truly Rich and Meaningful Life

    “Don’t miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold.” ~Unknown

    It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

    Stumbling through life without a clear sense of direction. Wondering day after day if it’s ever going to get better.

    After all, perpetual joy and a meaningful life are only for the rich and famous. The idea of fulfilment seems so far-fetched given the mundaneness of an ordinary day.

    But you know that anything is possible, right?

    Could it be that with a little thought, the day will come when you’ll enjoy the colors of the rainbow, regardless of whether you’ve reached your pot of gold or not?

    In Search of Material Riches

    I come from an underprivileged background. Growing up, the only thing I could think of that would make me happy was to be rich. While I frequently heard the saying, “Money doesn’t make you happy,” I dismissed its true message because I believed I needed stuff to live comfortably.

    So I spent most of my life chasing this fantasy, never actually getting to a point of contentment. In my adulthood, I was no longer destitute, but I was still after that illusion.

    Then, a few years ago I had a classic case of burnout and exhaustion. I didn’t know where I was going any longer, life tasted bland, and the future seemed pointless. All I could do was think about the woman I knew I was deep down, the woman full of hopes and aspirations to make a difference.

    I was desperate to change my situation.

    So the quest truly began. To repair my broken self, I indulged in self-help books, visited the professionals, and overlaid positive mantras in my brain in the hopes of waking up one morning as a new person.

    But a gaping black hole was still in my soul, waiting to be filled with something more meaningful.

    Getting Struck by Lightning

    After months of searching for the Holy Grail, someone planted an idea in me: “There’s no ‘light-bulb moment.’ The answers are already in front of you, if you choose to see them.”

    I was skeptical at first upon hearing this. “You mean I won’t be hit by this electrifying lightning bolt, changing my life forever?”

    On reflection, this was the enlightening idea that allowed me to move forward.

    I realized that all along I was looking in the wrong direction. I never really stopped to think about what was important to me and how I could use these insights to live a more fulfilling life where every day mattered.

    The truth is, we spend so much time following false riches and focusing on hollow goals that we often lose touch with what is right in front of us.

    However, there is a way to edge closer to your truth: to live a truly rich and meaningful life, you need to unearth your deepest values and desires.

    And to do that, I discovered that by asking the right questions, you can see through the mist casting shadows on your thinking and clarity.

    Questions are effective because they jolt your brain into a different level of reflection, digging to the root of your values (unlike wondering why you’re blocked, which only confirms you are indeed in a lost place).

    So, with the help of the following four questions, I began to uncover the hidden treasures that I neglected for so long in all areas of my life.

    I invite you to ask yourself these questions too, and note the immediate answers that surface.

     1. What kind of qualities does your superhero self have when relating to others?

    Imagine your internal fears magically disappear; how would you behave differently with others?

    This question clarifies the sorts of relationships you want to be forming with others. It’s not about how you’d like to be treated, but rather the way your ideal self would behave when connecting with others.

    Also think about what your superhero does when pushed to the limit. Does he or she stand by and let others dominate, or have the courage to say, “No, I’m not having this”?

    When I asked myself this question, integrity, self-respect, and honesty featured on top of my list of important qualities to have. Since then, I’ve successfully confronted people when I’ve found their behavior unacceptable toward me instead of keeping my sorrows inside.

    Remember, often you can’t run away from people you don’t like, but you can choose to respond to them differently, either by interpreting situations in an empowering way internally or by saying your peace out loud.

    2. What type of activities could you channel your energies toward that would satisfy you deep down?

    Imagine you’re receiving an award for your life’s work. How would they describe your achievements when you’re called to make your acceptance speech?

    This exercise is not meant to find your passion or your calling. It’s designed to shed light on the values that are dear to you, and it can be used in any workplace to inject enthusiasm into whatever you do.

    When I connected with my deeper values of being helpful, considerate, and compassionate, it was a game changer. I used these rediscovered qualities to give my full attention to those who needed it instead of focusing on trying to fit in a work environment that didn’t suit my personality.

    You may not be doing what you’d ideally like to right now, but you can turn even a stop gap activity into a source of valuable life enhancing experience.

    3. What do you spend too much time worrying about?

    Imagine you’re looking back on your life as an elderly person. What advice would your older self give to your younger self?

    None of us like to imagine ourselves as a bitter eighty-year-old full of regret. Every time I ask this question to myself, worries suddenly reorder themselves, and solutions appear instead of endless anxiety.

    This question particularly clarified for me that I needed to focus on being more open, trusting, and mindful. I’ve become more open to experiences I was afraid of before and more trusting of myself, the future, and others. I also purposefully slowed down and become mindful of the world around me, seeing the beauty in the everyday things I would have walked past before.

    Life’s daily trials can seem so insurmountable at times; petty incidents seem enough to want to tear your hair out. But do they really matter in the grand scheme of things? Will it matter even a few months on if someone talked to you the wrong way?

    4. What do you not do enough of?

    Imagine you have all the time in the world. What would your quiet times look like?

    When it comes to winding down, do you give yourself the opportunity to fully restore your energy? Or do you habitually squeeze an extra three to four hours of each day just to keep up with life’s demands?

    Chasing material things and endlessly going after bold goals can spell trouble ahead. Forgetting to pamper yourself now and then not only lets your health down, but also negatively affects your relationships.

    My new priorities that emerged were creativity, family, and health. I used to long for the day when I’d retire and could immerse myself in painting and drawing. But I discovered how I can add creative imagination to daily life when working on my planner or cooking a meal for instance.

    If this all sounds too alien, or wrong, maybe you have to start by accepting that you and your sanity matter as much as the next person’s. If you really care about living a meaningful life, doing more of what makes you happy will be just the magic pill you need.

    Living by Your Highest Standards

    You know life is only worth living if it’s meaningful.

    Waking up each morning with excitement does not have to be at the bottom of your priorities.

    Clarifying your deepest values and desires will help you make decisions (small or large) and see alternative options.

    You’ll have the power to take a stand when others are crossing your boundaries or asking for too much.

    You’ll realize you don’t need money to fulfill your dreams; you can travel on a budget, help your parents without spending a dime, and do work you enjoy rather than work that merely pays well.

    Finally, once you shift the focus and give yourself permission to live by your values, it’ll be such a motivating element that you’ll never again ask, “What’s the point of it all?”

  • Create a Kinder World: What to Do Instead of Judging

    Create a Kinder World: What to Do Instead of Judging

    Arms wide open

    “When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I’ve always been judgmental. I will judge someone else’s buying habits, looks, grammar, or political beliefs and get some perverse pleasure in it. It’s very painful for me to admit that.

    You see, I strive to be kind and compassionate toward myself and toward others. That’s why I have turned much of my personal development focus this year to letting go of judgments.

    When I first started seeing a therapist, in college, we spent quite a bit of time talking about a particular family member of mine. After describing this person, my therapist said that it sounded like they may have had a superiority complex, and that all superiority complexes are built on top of inferiority complexes.

    Now I look at myself and wonder: Is that what’s going on with me? Do I judge others negatively because I need to feel better about myself? Am I so insecure in my own place in this world that I have to build my own self-esteem on top of other people’s perceived shortcomings?

    I don’t want to be that person.

    It’s weird, because I’ve always felt I was put on the earth to help people. And I don’t feel judgment toward those that I help. I love them. So why is it so easy for me to judge strangers and friends of friends?

    I know I have a long way to go, and I know I have to work on both letting go of my judgments toward others as well as toward myself.

    This past week I tried something, and it made my heart feel light and my face feel happy: I made observations instead of judgments.

    Let me give you an example.

    I was out and about and I saw a woman with a baby. I also have a baby, for the record.

    At first I noticed that I was making judgments about her based on her appearance and the way she spoke. It made me feel sad and, well, icky, inside.

    But I stopped. I realized this was a perfect time to try doing something different.

    So I took a mental step back and looked at her for the absolutely perfect human she was (and is).

    I observed the way she looked with no attachment to it as right or wrong, good or bad.

    I observed the way she spoke with no disdain or criticisms.

    And I felt love. I felt peace. I felt wonderful.

    This is how I want to live. This is how I want to feel.

    You see, I know rationally that we are all these wonderful, gorgeous creatures of the universe. Sitting here at my desk typing, I am 100% sure of this. Yet, somehow, out in the world, I lose sight of this. I forget.

    And it hurts me. Judging others makes my life worse, not better.

    I am completely committed to shifting all of my thoughts away from judgment and toward kind, gentle, unattached observation. I know it’s going to take practice, but almost everything worth doing takes time and energy.

    If you’d like to make the same shifts in your own life, I have a few suggestions based on my short time entering the No Judgment Zone.

    First, you’ll have to admit that you judge others. It may be painful, as it was for me. It’s okay; acknowledging this is the only way to recover from it.

    Next, decide that you want to actively give up judging others. You may do it more often than you’re even aware, and without a conscious effort, it will be difficult to avoid.

    Now, start paying attention to how judging others feels in your body. If you’re like me, you’ll feel the corners of your mouth pulling down in sadness, and may feel a pit in your stomach. It’s good to know how your body feels so that you can start to identify when you’re judging others without even noticing.

    It’s time now to practice the act of observing instead of judging. The next time you notice yourself judging someone else, do what I did: Stop, take a step back, and describe the situation with no inflection of tone that casts a negative light.

    Instead of “Wow, now that’s an interesting outfit,” try “that woman is wearing leopard print pants with pink sparkly boots and a bedazzled tank top.”

    Take the judgment out of it. Observe it. Find the beauty in the other person or situation.

    Now you just have to practice. Over, and over, and over again. I am still very much in the early stages of becoming aware and observing instead of judging; this is not an overnight change!

    To really make a permanent shift, stay away from places where others are judgmental for fun—websites that attack others for their beliefs or way of living, TV shows that humiliate, and friends on social media that love to make loud proclamations about others are some good places to start.

    Now is a good time to mention that there will certainly be occasions when it is not judgment that I am experiencing, but discernment.

    If I see someone being verbally abused by their partner, or someone harming an animal, or someone stealing, it is not the time to step back and just observe and try to find love and beauty. On those occasions, I hope that my good sense allows me to help in any way possible.

    Above all, it’s about creating peace, both in my own mind, and for others as well.

    I am sorry if I have ever judged you. I am sorry if someone judging you has ever hurt you. Together, let’s create a world where we are kind and compassionate to everyone we encounter.

    Friends pointing and laughing image via Shutterstock

  • Forming Positive Relationships: Two Simple Strategies to Meet New People

    Forming Positive Relationships: Two Simple Strategies to Meet New People

    Friends High Fiving

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

    We all want to be around people who make us feel lighter and happy. We love seeing and interacting with people who brighten our days.

    So, why is it that so many of us spend our days with people who don’t lift us up, people who don’t inspire us, and in some cases, people who tear us down?

    It’s tough to remove these kinds of people from our lives, especially if we see them every day.

    These people may be your colleagues or bosses, which makes them tough (or nearly impossible) to avoid.

    In some cases, these toxic people in our lives are, in fact, our own family members.

    That’s makes it really hard to escape the negativity on a daily basis.

    I’ve had negative people in my life ever since I can remember.

    For example, my aunt—who played a major role in my childhood—would give me destructive criticism when I was young.

    She’d say things like, “You look like you’ve gained some weight. Are you really going to eat that cookie?” And “You’re not smart enough to read that book. Why do you even try?” And even “Nobody likes you—you’ll never have friends.”

    Those comments hurt me to the core. I felt like I didn’t measure up, like being myself wasn’t enough.

    And when I began to think that way, I thought that I didn’t deserve to be loved—by my family, by friends, and by myself.

    But then, one day I was watching a TV show. There was a guest on the show and the interviewer asked him, “What’s the key to your long-term success?”

    His response was pure gold: He said, “I’m the average of the five people I’ve spent the most time with over the years. You want to know the secrets to my success? Go meet them.”

    What I took away from that quote was this: I could control my own success and destiny by surrounding myself with the right kind of people. I was in control of my happiness and the way I felt.

    I could eliminate all the negativity in my life by removing certain people and adding new, empowering people in their place.

    This was really inspiring to me, but I underestimated how difficult it can be to meet new people.

    Sometimes, we don’t know what to say to start a conversation, or we start a conversation and run out of things to say. These are roadblocks to forming great friendships.

    After years of hard work and practice, I’ve mastered the art and science of meeting new people. And these are a couple of neat and fun ways you can do so.

    The Compliment Game: The Easiest Way To Start a Conversation with Anyone

    The Compliment Game is pretty self-explanatory.

    You make it a goal to go up to someone and give them a genuine compliment, followed by a brief question.

    For example, I might say, “I really like the color of that shirt. Where’d you get that?”

    Or I might say, “Your hair looks fantastic! Did you do something different?”

    Or even, “You have great taste in coffee. What do you recommend here?”

    Key things to remember: The compliments should be genuine (meaning you actually think what you’re saying is true) and it’s a game, so it should be fun.

    You don’t have worry about saying the perfect things or impressing anyone with your super-amazing attention to detail; just have fun with it.

    Think about some of the things you’d like to be complimented on.

    Maybe you have great taste in books, or are great at finding new music, or maybe you have skill for cooking amazing food. It can be anything, but shy away from flirty compliments; that can make people uncomfortable.

    Give others the gift of compliments in the same caliber you’d like to receive.

    This is a great way to start a conversation, because once they answer your question, you’ve opened the door for more discussion and potential friendship.

    Here’s another game you might try:

    The Sixty Second Introduction Game

    Again, the name pretty much explains the game.

    Make it a goal that within sixty seconds of entering a room, you will introduce yourself to at least one person.

    You don’t have to say anything complicated; you can keep it simply with something like:

    “Hi, how’s your morning going?”

    “Good morning! How are you?”

    “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Rob.”

    The key here is to be energetic and upbeat.

    You’ll notice you get very different responses when you say things in different ways.

    For example, saying any of the above introductions with a smile is going to go over much better than if you say it in a flat, monotone voice and with a straight face.

    Play around with this, too. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to get to know empowering and inspiring people.

    These games can be the first step toward surrounding yourself with five amazing friends or mentors.

    Neither you nor I should have to put up with negativity and mediocrity in our relationships.

    We owe it to ourselves to forge better friendships and a better future. Let’s not settle for less. Let’s have the relationships, the respect, and the love we desire and deserve.

    Friends high-fifing image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Beliefs About Happiness That Make Us Unhappy

    5 Beliefs About Happiness That Make Us Unhappy

    “There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.” ~Anthony de Mello

    Do you believe in soul mates?

    I did. I also believed that the only way to be blissfully happy was to be with mine.

    At a New Year party, I finally found her. As we chatted and danced through the evening, we fell in love. It seemed perfect.

    Life, however, had other plans. Soon after, she moved to another city. I never saw her again but continued to be in love with her for the next four years.

    Why? Because I was consumed by the belief that she was my soul mate, and that fate would bring us back together someday.

    It’s strange, isn’t it? How each of us have our own beliefs about the “secret to happiness.” We live our lives in accordance with those beliefs, rarely questioning them.

    Over those four years, my belief that I could never be happy with anyone else held me back from finding love and happiness elsewhere.

    But I was so wrong. I did meet someone else later and have been gleefully together with her for ten years now!

    We define our reality by what we believe.

    Our beliefs make us who we are and determine the choices we make. Very often, those beliefs, far from leading us into happiness, bring us truckloads of pain and trouble.

    The good news? We can be far happier and contented simply by altering our beliefs and looking at the world differently.

    Here are five beliefs about happiness that actually make us unhappy:

    Belief 1: I need other people’s approval to be happy.

    Do you often do things only to please other people?

    Human beings are driven by “social proof.” Approval is extremely important to us.

    We wait to buy the latest gadgets to look cool. We attend boring office parties to fit in. We don’t pursue our dreams because our families don’t approve.

    But just ask yourself: Are these actions (or inactions) bringing you any real happiness?

    The pursuit of approval is very different from the pursuit of happiness. Let’s not fail to distinguish between the two.

    Belief 2: I will be happy when I have…

    …a bigger house, a promotion, a baby, awards, respect, those designer shoes!

    Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar calls this the “arrival fallacy” in his book Happier. It’s the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination (or attain a specific goal), you will be happy.

    The reason why this belief is so strong is because it’s partly true. Yes, you will feel happy when you get promoted or buy a house.

    The question is: Is this happiness lasting?

    While you will escape your landlord’s ranting, you will have to pay new taxes and spend good money maintaining your new house.

    Each level of accomplishment will bring its own set of problems.

    Does this mean you stop working toward your goals? No! Goals are important, and one needs to be ambitious.

    However, think about this: You can be happy now and also when you get the promotion.

    Do you really need to postpose your happiness?

    Belief 3: I can’t be happy unless everything goes right.

    Have you ever lost your luggage on a vacation? It upsets everything, doesn’t it?

    Instead of enjoying the charms of a wonderful new city (or countryside), you’re running around buying clothes and other stuff, wondering if the airline will ever return your luggage.

    That’s what happened on a vacation with my family.

    Strangely, now when we think about that vacation, the trouble we faced because of the lost luggage doesn’t bother us. We just talk about the wonderful time we had.

    The vacation didn’t have to be perfect. The only thing that really mattered to us was that we had an opportunity to have a great time together.

    Think about it: are vacations, parties, dates, or any other special occasions ever perfect? If something goes wrong does that mean the entire trip or evening is a failure?

    Yes, it is a failure, but only if you believe so.

    Let’s extend the discussion further: Is anything in life ever perfect? We have ups and downs every day.

    Life is imperfect—perhaps that’s what make it more interesting!

    Belief 4: I can’t be happy because of what’s happened in the past.

    The past controls us in mysterious ways.

    You might have lost a loved one to misunderstanding or death. You might have failed to achieve your dreams. As a result, you may have developed one of these beliefs: “I am not meant to find happiness” or “It’s not my destiny to be happy.”

    Personally, I haven’t lost much in life, but I know someone who has. I used to wonder how she could enjoy life despite such tragedies, until she revealed her simple secret…

    She believes that she has the right to be happy, despite her past misfortunes.

    Your past doesn’t control your future unless you let it. Millions have turned their lives around. If they can be happy, why can’t you?

    Belief 5: Happiness is not a habit that can be learned.

    Can you actually learn to be happy? Like learning baseball or the guitar?

    Yes. Happiness is a skill—one that you build through a number of daily choices.

    Numerous studies have indicated that people who are happier have certain habits: they exercise, meditate, pay attention to their relationships, pursue their goals diligently, lead balanced lives, are grateful.

    Research shows that by thwarting negative emotions, such as pessimism, resentment, and anger, and fostering positive emotions, such as empathy, serenity, and gratitude, the brain can be trained to become happier.

    Happiness does not depend on fate; it depends on our habits—habits that anyone can learn.

    ____

    Our beliefs can bring us happiness or sorrow.

    Question your beliefs about yourself, your life, and happiness from time to time. See if they still serve a positive purpose. If not, change them.

    What beliefs do you think you need to change to be happier?

  • 9 Mostly Free Ways to Spark Creativity and Fun

    9 Mostly Free Ways to Spark Creativity and Fun

    “People want to be creatively satisfied, and having fun is such an important part of that.” ~John Lasseter

    I stopped having fun when my mother was diagnosed with dementia.

    I didn’t have time for fun because I had to spend every spare moment thinking about Mom, wondering how I could help her, talking to my dad, wondering how I could help him, and worrying about the future, including fretting over whether I, too, was losing my mind.

    Then one day, I asked my mother what it was like, living in such confusion.

    “I can’t worry over it too much,” she told me. “When I lose a thought or a word, I try to laugh and let it go.”

    I realized that’s what I needed to do: acknowledge that Mom had dementia, appreciate her, and then laugh and let go.

    To help myself with the surrender and laughter aspects, I made a list of quick ways to inspire my own sense of creativity and playfulness. I’m still using this list.

     1. Give yourself a picture.

    Create a visual image for your week. This is a great thing to do on Sunday night or Monday morning. Think of how you want the week to feel and look and how you want to be.

    Do you want to live the week with the abandon of a boy stepping off the high dive? Do you want to roller skate through the week, listening to great music? Do you want to drive around with a “Get out of Jail” free card so you can have a little extra wildness and still not be in trouble?

    Draw a picture or cut out a photo from a magazine. Working with an image helps you create your ideal week.

     2. Get literal with down time.

    Each time you come into your home, make a point of putting something down, such as a purse, a sack of groceries, or a briefcase. Say to yourself, “When I put down this sack of groceries, I put down all the things that keep me from enjoying being here in my home.”

    Saying this simple line helps you release grouchiness (well, you did have a very hard day), tiredness, or other stuff that’s bugging you.

    3. Give someone a delightful surprise.

    Think of someone you know who could use a little boost. Maybe it’s your child, your spouse, your mom, or a co-worker. Think of an easy and unexpected way you can cheer them on.

    Maybe your child needs a dollar under his pillow, regardless of the status of his teeth. Maybe your spouse needs a love note tucked into her briefcase. Maybe a co-worker needs a bagel waiting on his desk.

     4. Make instant art.

    Create a three-minute collage. Think of something you’d like to do or someplace you’d like to visit. Then get an old catalog or magazine, tear out appropriate pictures or words, and tape them on paper to make a mini collage.

    Stick this collage someplace where you will see it often. Or put it in a self-addressed stamped envelope and ask a friend to mail it to you within the next two months. Mini-collages also make lovely birthday cards for friends.

     5. Leave loose change for others to find.

    Walk down the street and every block or two, drop a dime, a nickel, or a quarter on the sidewalk. Imagine how people will smile and feel lucky when they discover these small treasures.

     6. Trigger your reality.

    Think of what you want more of in your life, such as a sense of surrender, more time for creative exploration, or more serenity. Then create visual cues that remind you of your quest.

    A small white flag in tucked into the corner of your desk signals you don’t have to fight so often. For a creative jolt, make a cardboard letter B, attach it on a spring to your wall, reminding you to “B off the wall.” A piece from an old puzzle taped to a map of your state reminds you to live in a “state” of peace.

    7. Swing your feet.

    Sit somewhere high, stare into space, and swing your feet. You’ll get a delightful sense of freedom and irresponsibility. It’s a relief, not always having your feet on the ground.

    8. Bat a balloon.

    Blow up a brightly colored balloon and bat it around. This is a great way to lighten up the energy. Do this alone in your office for a few minutes during that late afternoon draggy period. Or invite in a simpatico co-worker and see how long you can keep the balloon up in the air.

    9. Coax out your creativity.

    Make a list of ten fun and creative things you really want to do. Plan to do at least one of them.

    Writing this article was on my “fun and creative” list. What’s on yours?

  • Engaging in the Moment Instead of Wanting to Be Somewhere Else

    Engaging in the Moment Instead of Wanting to Be Somewhere Else

    Savoring the Moment

    “Happiness is enjoying the moment for what it is, not what it could be or should be.” ~Unknown

    Many of us have been there…

    The alarm goes off. In anger, we strike the wretched machine in hopes of getting a few more precious minutes of beauty sleep.

    It’s Monday again. The weekend is over and it will be another five days—120 hours, 7,200 minutes, 432,000 seconds—until we throw up our hands again in triumph and say, “Thank goodness it’s Friday!”

    We’ve often committed ourselves to the lie that Monday must be terrible. In the U.S., the very idea of hating Mondays is ingrained in our pop culture.

    Be it the comic cat Garfield with a disgruntled look upon his drooping whiskers lamenting over Monday’s arrival, or the nineties movie Office Space with its well known line “Somebody’s got a case of the Mondays,” there’s a prevailing notion that we must dread this day.

    But this post isn’t about promoting the greatness of Monday, or promoting Monday as the new Friday. This post is about our craving for insular moments of fun.

    We view weekdays, moments that we have to wait in line, time spent commuting or working, and other seemingly mundane experiences as unbearably wretched.

    We believe that we must endure these moments to seek out a bit of fun. It is my belief that this craving may be causing us harm. That it’s causing us to disengage from the world before us, and it may even prevent us from being happy.

    We wake up on Monday craving the weekend’s return. But it’s Monday—not Friday. Not some fun moment that we eagerly await, but simply Monday.

    If we spend so much of our Monday morning investing our thoughts and emotions in a day that has yet to and perhaps will never come to pass, then we are investing our energy into emptiness.

    We are ruining the potential for serenity in the current moment. We are refusing to accept that we are subject to the changing of the days (among many other things), and rather than being in the current moment, we are breaking the potential for serenity by diverting our attention toward the intangible.

    If it’s our craving for an innumerable amount of things that causes us to drift away from the present and ruin our potential for happiness, how do we divorce ourselves from our desire?

    In other words, how do we become engaged in the moment? I think there is no single answer to this question, but one answer may be found in oranges.

    Yes, oranges. Namely, what Vietnamese teacher and Zen practitioner Thich Nhat Hanh has to say about oranges.

    “Take an orange and hold it in your palm…The orange tree has taken three, four, or six months to make such an orange for you. It is a miracle. Now the orange is ready and says, ‘Here I am for you.’ But if you are not present you will not hear it. When you are not looking at the orange in the present moment, the orange is not present either.”

    Thich Nhat Hanh’s words certainly make for a wonderfully deep Dole ad, but I think he’s simply talking about the beauty in the world around us.

    Oranges, like so many things, are so easy to take for granted. So easy to ignore, really. I know it sounds strange to many of us to open the fridge and say, “Wow, look at this orange. It took a while for this orange to grow for my consumption. Amazing!”

    However, it’s also strange to be caught up in craving things that aren’t there when we can’t appreciate the tangible and simple beauty of an orange in our hand.

    Maybe that’s where the answer lies. That being engaged in the moment only requires us to truly see everything around us.

    Rather than curse Monday morning, embrace it.

    From the moment we wake up, many of us have an unimaginable amount of possibilities for engagement and enjoyment.

    We could get up and do jumping jacks. We could doodle something we had dreamed the previous night on a scrap piece of paper. Or we could just simply watch the sunrise and all its complex brilliance.

    All this is there for so many of us, and all we have to do is be there to enjoy it.

    I have lived my whole life as the man hitting the alarm clock in anger, hating Monday’s return and anxiously awaiting the weekend.

    I have lived my whole life holding the orange, but was never present as I consumed something so wonderful. However, cancer changed all that for me.

    Nearly two and a half years ago my wife was diagnosed with a very rare and deadly form of cancer. Though I do not entirely bear the burden of this disease, I certainly share it.

    Before the burden of cancer, we had an active social life. Our week was often filled with social gatherings, sightseeing, and much more. However, my wife’s disease prevented us from taking part in the exciting social life we once had.

    When the weekly yet insular moments of fun were taken away from us, the initial sting of this deprivation was devastating. Weeks turned into months and months into years of these insular moments becoming less and less frequent.

    At first I blamed cancer for what seemed like the death of happiness in our life, then I blamed others. But as time went on, I realized I was to blame for the disturbance in serenity.

    Now, there is no doubt that cancer is the trigger for so much of our suffering, but it was I who perpetuated it. Instead of enjoying something as precious and simple as holding my wife’s hand, I was holding on to hope for a rekindled social life.

    Rather than enjoy the taste of a meal we had made together, I was craving the taste of beer at one of our social gatherings.

    But I now believe happiness isn’t found at the bottom of a beer glass. It isn’t found at the end of the week. All that stuff is fun, but happiness, I believe, is something far more rich and yet very simple.

    It’s as simple as putting aside our yearning for something else and just engaging in the moment we are currently in.

    Enjoying the sun image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Feeling Frazzled: A Powerful Guide to Reducing Stress (and a Giveaway!)

    Stop Feeling Frazzled: A Powerful Guide to Reducing Stress (and a Giveaway!)

    The Mindful Way Through StressUpdate – The winners for this giveaway have been chosen:

    In my high school yearbook’s class prophecy, it was predicted that I would one day write and star in a one-woman show about my life called “Stress.”

    I was chronically frazzled—in a constant state of panic about everything I had to do and had already done but may not have done well enough.

    I overextended myself, took very little time to nurture my emotional and mental well-being, and frequently felt like I was about to snap.

    In fact, I even broke a stress ball once from excessive squeezing. It was made for that, but apparently not with the force in my freakishly strong little hand.

    Fortunately, I eventually discovered mindfulness, which was life-changing for me. It helped me step outside of my anxious thoughts so I could respond to life more consciously and calmly.

    Since I’ve been more stressed than usual as of late—and I’ve needed a reminder of how to effectively manage my emotions—I was thrilled to receive a copy of Shamash Alidina’s new book, The Mindful Way Through Stress.

    The subtitle promises a proven eight-week path to health, happiness, and well-being—and the book delivers!

    It’s clear that Shamash is not only an expert on mindfulness, but he’s also quite passionate about helping others respond wisely to life’s inevitably stressors instead of getting caught in a frenzy of reaction.

    I highly recommend The Mindful Way Through Stress to anyone who’d like to find more peace within the chaos of daily life.

    It is, hands down, the most helpful guide I’ve read in a long while, and one I will certainly reference whenever I need a little help dealing with life’s inevitable challenges.

    I’m grateful that Shamash took the time to provide some incredibly detailed answers to my questions about stress and mindfulness, and that he’s provided two free copies of The Mindful Way Through Stress for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of The Mindful Way Through Stress:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of The Mindful Way Through Stress http://bit.ly/1M3wBvL

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, March 6th.

    The Interview

     1. What brought you to your career as a mindfulness teacher and coach?

    I originally got interested due to stress. The stress for me when I was in college, aged twenty, came from a combination of workload and confusion.

    I didn’t know what to do. I was halfway though a degree that I didn’t enjoy (Chemical Engineering), and working toward a job I knew I didn’t want (working in the Oil Industry).

    Then, my fortunes changed. I came across a class in “practical philosophy” in which the teacher guided a short mindfulness meditation. I was pleasantly shocked!

    Just a short few minutes and I’d gone from feeling frazzled to focused. Wow! Why hadn’t anyone taught me this technique years ago?

    I resolved from that day on to teach mindfulness to as many children and adults that I could.

    I started by teaching in a school for eight years, where all the children had time to practice mindfulness and meditation. And then I moved on to focusing on just teaching adults mindfulness full-time.

    Training mindfulness teachers to embody both awareness and compassion, for themselves and their students, is my passion.

    2. Your book presents a self-help version of mindfulness-based stress reduction. Can you tell us a little about MBSR and how mindfulness helps with stress?

    Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction was developed in the late seventies by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn and his colleagues at UMASS Medical School. He asked his colleagues, doctors, to send him their most challenging patients—those that they felt they could no longer help using modern medicine.

    He put together an eight-week course, which comprised of guided meditations, mindful yoga stretches, and group dialogue around managing stress and living life in a mindful way.

    His experiments worked. The groups reported huge reduction not only in stress, but also reductions in anxiety, depression, and chronic pain, and a greater feeling of control of their lives.

    Even more encouragingly, these positive reports of stress reduction from patients continued even three years after they’d done the MBSR program.

    So naturally, MBSR began to spread, first, across the US and now, worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of people have probably done the program now, if not millions.

    Stress is a complex subject, and so the path to relieving it is not straightforward. However, there’s a few key, powerful ways in which mindfulness can reduce stress.

    Mindfulness helps you to switch off your normal, habitual, automatic reactions to the stressors you face.

    If you’re living mindlessly, you don’t even know how stressed you are.

    A friend of mine recently started practicing mindfulness and has discovered his body is riddled in tension and is now slowly beginning to relax. Without mindfulness, he’d still be going around with this chronic tension in his body.

    So with mindfulness you can see if you’re getting excessively stressed early, and step out of that stream. You know how to rest your mind and body. Without mindfulness, you don’t have access to that.

    Mindfulness makes your brain more resilient to stress.

    People who have practiced mindfulness have brains that don’t seem to ruminate so much; they can spot negative, repetitive thinking earlier, and step out of it. Or sometimes, worries just don’t seem to take hold. Sounds good, doesn’t it?

    Mindfulness naturally engages the relaxation response in your body.

    This is a hard-wired system. By combining mindful awareness with a sense of warmth toward different sensations, emotions, or even situations in your life, the stress inevitably eases.

    You make fewer mistakes.

    If you’re rushing around mindlessly, you’re going to bump into a lot of things, both physically and metaphorically. So many of us are running through life, causing more problems as a result. The running is due to fear of missing out, or being imperfect.

    Mindfulness shows you how to access a peace within so you don’t have to run for it everywhere you go. By discovering a different way of operating, which everyone can do step-by-step, you meet life with greater calm, peace, joy, and freedom.

    But remember, stress by itself is not bad. Stress is a problem if it’s sustained for too long and feels like it’s too much for you. See the positive aspects of stress—how it energizes you and gets you going. Seeing stress negatively makes things worse.

    Make friends with stress! Stress is inevitable. Just use mindfulness to take regular breaks from your stress to recharge yourself. Then out you go again!

    3. What are the problems with living on autopilot?

    Living on autopilot is great for planes, but not for human beings.

    When we were babies and young children, we didn’t really live on autopilot. We lived each day fresh, alive, in the moment. That’s a natural way to be.

    But the human brain is clever. To save energy, rather than keeping your conscious, it switches off consciousness for any repeated activity.

    Eventually your whole life is one big autopilot experience. You’re like a robot. And this kind of living reduces your joy and freedom tremendously.

    The thing is, living consciously is so enjoyable once you discover how! The feeling of your own body is beautiful. Just experiencing sitting and breathing can be blissful.

    The present moment really is a wonderful moment once you discover how to penetrate the crust of thoughts that is pasted over everything.

    You can do it. Everyone can do it. You just need to create the right environment, follow the right instructions, and bring the right attitude—patience, kindness, curiosity, and allow the mindfulness and compassion to rise.

    Just as the sun rises in the morning, bringing light and warmth, so your life becomes a joy as mindfulness and compassion grow. By prioritizing mindfulness practice in your life, you can experience this.

    4. With our increasingly busy lives, many of us end up multitasking and feeling stressed as a result. How can we challenge this instinct to multitask without falling behind with everything we need to do?

    The busier you are, the slower you need to go. Watch people like the Dalai Lama—do you see him rushing around in a panic? Yet, he’s constantly teaching, coaching, serving. He’s probably much busier than you or me.

    The urge to multitask is powerful. And if you’re on autopilot, you’ve got no chance to release yourself from the hold of phones, computers, and tablets. In our digital age, mindfulness is essential to prevent you being swept in an ocean of information and people wanting to connect.

    Try small steps like keeping your digital devices out of the bedroom. Or keep them off in the evenings. But try and take a bigger step if you can—leave your phones behind on vacation. Take one day off every week totally free of multi-tasking. A digital detox day!

    Here’s one approach you can take to dealing with an excessively long to-do list:

    • Before going to bed, jot down all the key things you wish to complete the next day.
    • Prioritize them. What’s number 1? What’s number 2? Rewrite the tasks in the correct order. Put mindfulness at the top of the list!
    • The next day, resist the urge to check emails, Facebook messages, Twitter, etc. By resisting this urge, it diminishes. Just because you have a compulsion to check your messages, you don’t need to actually check them—they can wait.
    • Do the task you need to complete, in the order you set out. And write down the time you start and finish each task. Having a written record will help you to see how you’re really using your time. It’s more power than it sounds—do try it out!
    • Between tasks, practice mindfulness. Feel some breaths, go for a mindful walk, slowly and consciously drink a glass of water, or stretch. These breaks with rejuvenate you and make you finish your tasks sooner (so you have more time to meditate every day).

    5. You wrote, “Emotions are not problems to be solved. They are experiences to be felt.” Can you elaborate a little on this?

    This is a very important point to understand. Misunderstanding how to manage emotions is at the root of so much human suffering.

    Let’s take the example of feeling sad. If you’re feeling sad, what do you do? If you’re on autopilot, you try to fix it. You may think, “I must feel better.” So you go off and try and cheer yourself up. You don’t let yourself actually feel the sadness.

    Now, that may work or may not. If it works for you, great. But what if it doesn’t work? What if partying with your friends doesn’t make you feel better? Or calling your sister doesn’t seem to lift the mood?

    Well, your next thought will probably be, “Oh no. I’m still feeling sad. I must try something else. I must try harder.” Eventually, this turns into thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me? I should be happy.’

    All this is hard work. You work harder and harder to fix your mood. But that’s not what your emotion wants.

    Emotions need skillful awareness and care. Just like a young child needs attention and love to grow in a healthy way, so do emotions. So you need to feel the emotion.

    Feel the emotion in your body. Notice its shape, maybe its color or texture. And bring some feeling of care toward the feeling. Place your warm hand on the sensation. Breathe and feel the emotion.

    You can even speak gently to the emotion and ask, “What do want to say to me?”

    One of my students did this the other day, and the response was a clear: “Slow down!” She discovered that she needs to slow down the pace of her life or things will get worse. That’s wisdom in action.

    So emotions don’t need to be fixed or pushed away. They need to be gently felt—then they’ll dissolve and pass away in their own time.

    6. Why do we tend to dwell on the negative, and how can we challenge this instinct to minimize our stress?

    If you had a lovely day all day, but for one minute someone said to you, “You’re a complete idiot! You’re stupid, useless, and a waste of space!” then you’ll remember that. You’ll think about that much more than the thousands of other minutes that were absolutely lovely.

    That’s because our brains are evolved to be like Teflon for positive experiences and Velcro for negative experiences.

    Scientists think this focus on negativity, called negativity bias, is a way to ensure we survive—if you spotted a tiger on the way back to your cave, you need to be able to remember that! If not, next time you could be dinner!

    You’re probably not reading this blog in a jungle. So, you need to re-balance your brain. The solution: find your favorite daily way to focus on what’s going well in your life. This could be combined with your daily meditation practice.

    At the end of the practice, ask yourself, “What’s going well in my life?” Or, “What’s awesome about me?” Or, “How have I been a nice person today/yesterday/this week?”

    Ask yourself positive questions like those above, and they’ll draw positive thoughts and emotions from within you.

     7. What is one simple mindfulness exercise anyone can do whenever they’re feeling stressed?

    This is a powerful one for most people, originally developed by meditation teacher, Ajahn Brahm:

    • Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
    • Imagine you’re holding two heavy suitcases in your hand. The left one represents your past and all your experiences, both positive and the regrets. And the right one represents your future and all your hopes, dreams, worries, and anxieties.
    • Feel the weight of holding these bags around all day. It’s tiring. You need a break from time to time.
    • Lower down the bag in your left hand, onto the ground. Enjoy the feeling of letting go as the weight transfers to the ground.
    • Lower down the bag in your right hand, representing your future.
    • Enjoy staying in between the past and future, in the present moment. What a relief that is!
    • Connect with any present moment experience. Your body, your breath, sounds around you.
    • When you feel you’ve had a rest and ready to resume, you can re-engage in your everyday activities. Ideally with some more mindful awareness and kindness to yourself and those you meet.

    You can learn more about The Mindful Way Through Stress on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • 10 Things Everyone Should Learn as a Kid

    10 Things Everyone Should Learn as a Kid

    Smiling Kid

    “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings.” ~Johann Wolfang von Goethe

    In 2010 two major life events marked my life forever: my father lost his battle with melanoma and I become a mother.

    Both events came unexpectedly. My father was only fifty-six years old and had never been sick for one day of his entire life. Also, I had other plans at the time, focusing heavily on my career, so I did not want to have a baby just yet.

    But life is what actually happens to us while we are making all those plans. I remember being six months pregnant at my dad’s funeral, and my baby did not move at all throughout the entire day. It’s like she wanted to stay quiet so that she would allow me to focus on my grief.

    In 2010 I lost someone I loved and then I gained someone else. Here I am now, four years later, enjoying my life as a mother, simply adoring my daughter and being very clear about all the things I want her to know. And still, so desperately, missing my father.

    This is my list. I could add another 100 things, of course, but I learned to keep things simple. And really meaningful. So here it is:

    1. Cherish every moment you spend with your loved ones, and don’t take them for granted.

    To say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” to a picture on a grave is the most painful experience ever. Be careful to not get there.

    2. Sometimes, your only available transportation will be a giant leap of faith.

    Take a deep breath and take that leap.

    3. Other times you’ll be afraid of failure.

    It’s okay, we all are. Just go for it. You’ll either succeed or you won’t. Either way, you’ll not live with the regret of never trying.

    4. Do more of those things you enjoy doing.

    Explore as many activities as you can. Finding your passion is not a myth, but it is surely not as easy as it sounds, so be open and curious. Experiment. Learn.

    5. Embrace challenges.

    And don’t be afraid of change. Look for opportunities all around you.

    6. Happiness is a right you give yourself.

    Be happy with who you are. Accept yourself, have patience with yourself, and love yourself unconditionally.

    7. What you see in the movies about love is not all the truth.

    Love is not only about passion and romance. It is also about doing the dishes together after a Christmas family dinner and then falling asleep exhausted in each other’s arms.

    8. Nobody is perfect.

    So don’t look for the perfect person. Just look for the flawed one who still makes your heart sing.

    9. Be present.

    Go only to those events or meetings  you actually want to attend. Saying no will not hurt other as much as you’d think. They will get over it. What you can’t do is recover a lost moment of time.

    10. Don’t settle.

    If you are not satisfied with one result, take action, go deeper, or try a new approach. Don’t do anything only because “you have to” or because others expect that of you.

    You can’t avoid pain; it comes with life. The only thing you can control is how you react to it. This is one of the most important life lessons I learned back in 2010. I will never forget my father. And I will continue to teach the lessons above to my daughter for as long as I live.

    Smiling boy image via Shutterstock

  • Why Experiences Trump Things and Bring Us Closer

    Why Experiences Trump Things and Bring Us Closer

    Friends Dancing

    “Every experience, good or bad, is a priceless collector’s item.” ~Isaac Marion

    Last year was a thrilling one for my sweet boys, ages eight and eleven. Thanks to birthdays, Diwali, and Christmas, they were fortunate enough to receive most of the things they’d been begging for throughout the year.

    As we sat on our couch on New Year’s day, I asked them what their best memories were from 2014. Surely, I thought, they would rattle off the highly anticipated iPod touch or the Giants jersey that topped their wish lists.

    But much to my surprise (and my joy), my younger one said, “my birthday party.” Really? Your birthday party?

    He was referring to the “baseball party” in our backyard with his friends. The one where an hour before it started, the skies opened wide with torrential downpour, forcing seven active boys to play in our tiny playroom until the storm turned into a small drizzle. That one? Oh. Cool.

    Surely my older son, our tech freak, would have a tough time deciding between his Nexus tablet and favorite Wii game to top his best memory. So I was even more taken aback by his follow up. “Our trip to New York.”

    Now, keep in mind that we’re originally from New York, so a trip home is not about Broadway shows and FAO Schwartz. It’s about hanging out with our family, specifically their cousins, in Westchester. It’s where we barbeque, meet friends, hang out at the pool, and watch movies. Pretty much what we do in our home, but with family we don’t get to see very often.

    Their responses were so unexpected. Hadn’t they just received everything they ever wanted a week earlier? I guess not.

    It’s no surprise to hear that experiences mean more than things. Material items bring us immediate yet fleeting joy. But it’s the memories and the feelings that stay with us forever. Then why was I so shocked?

    For some unexplainable reason, I thought my kids were different. But even at a young age, they, like their parents, proved that it’s their experiences that mean the most to them.

    And it doesn’t have to be week in Disneyworld or a cruise to Hawaii. It can be a fine homemade meal or even your crockpot dinner, served on your fine china.

    It could be something others use to create their own experiences, like a gratitude journal or conversation jar.

    It could be a shoulder massage on your couch or a wine tasting in your kitchen.

    It could be as long as year’s worth of dishwashing or as short as a scavenger hunt in your backyard.

    It could be as a grand as a meditation getaway or as simple as meditative app.

    Because when you think of a specific person in your life, your first thought isn’t, what did they give me? But, how did they make me feel? That sense and impression is what stays with us.

    Emotions, whether good, bad, or indifferent, are immediately brought to the surface when something reminds you of someone. Most “experience” gifts evoke a distinct feeling of love, care, and thoughtfulness—and stay with you long after a physical item has been worn out or forgotten.

    And if the gift is an event you can both participate in, it becomes a shared memory, something far beyond what a physical gift can offer.

    In our world of instant gratification and everything at our fingertips, it’s not difficult to get what you need. But in our hectic pace of life and in the frenzy of consumption, our experiences can fall short. We can add to peoples’ possessions or we can choose to add to memories they’ll hold onto forever.

    So, as occasions arise through the year for gifts, awards, and other reasons for gratitude or celebration, I’m thinking about how I can swap out more stuff with more experiences.

    How I can put my time, energy, and money toward a thoughtful event and create a recollection instead of another physical item in their life.

    I want to give memories, knowledge, and skills to help my friends and family explore or re-discover pleasures in life.

    I want to help someone overcome a fear, and join them in a ski lesson, or check off an item from their bucket list, like a pole dancing class.

    I want to make their ordinary day extraordinary by whisking them away with a bottle of wine and picnic blanket.

    I want to cast a ray of unexpectedness in their workday by delivering a gourmet meal to their office.

    I want to stop cluttering lives with more stuff and start expanding minds with more memories.

    I want my kids to always remember experiences as their best time of the year.

    I want to make friends and family feel. I want to know I helped them experience life.

    What experience can you create for someone this year?

    Friends dancing image via Shutterstock

  • Life Changes When We Change

    Life Changes When We Change

    Time for a Change

    “We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.” ~Earl Nightingale

    Last Christmas, I was jobless.

    With piling bills and debts, I was trying to switch from a freelancer to a full-time employee. I had been job hunting for weeks, with zero results. I started wondering why. I was qualified, I had a great resume, and I was willing to work hard. So why did I feel so helpless, like the reins were in someone else’s hands?

    I didn’t like the feeling, but I couldn’t see how I could take control. Everyone said that’s how the job hunting process is. Endless applications and waiting for responses that may never come. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just remain positive. Hope for the best. Wait. Try harder.

    Well, I had just about had it up to my neck with this kind of advice. I was being inundated with positive messages, and I began to question their effectiveness. What’s the use of being positive if it doesn’t change anything?

    Now, I am an optimist. Glass half full and everything. But as weeks passed by and I hadn’t landed so much as one interview, the whole glass business started to turn sour. Simply remaining optimistic didn’t change anything.

    I wasn’t getting any better results, and I wanted to do something about it rather than sit around with an imaginary glass.

    It was one week before Christmas when I had a breakthrough. I decided to quit ”looking for a job.” I stopped ”trying to remain positive.” No use beating a dead horse. It wasn’t defeat. It was just a change of tactic.

    Someone once said that insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.

    Endlessly applying to jobs with no results was indeed driving me insane. It was time I looked for other solutions. After all, I had nothing to lose. Might as well have some fun, explore and experiment with different options.

    Without realizing it, I had taken control. As cheesy as it sounds, I had taken back the power from the mysterious employers behind the computer screen. I stopped caring what they thought and started to focus on what I wanted to accomplish.

    Just a day before, I was searching for things like “how to get a job.” Suddenly, I was forced to search for something else. It was my day off from job hunting. What should I do instead? The mere thought that it was totally up to me gave me infinite control. I was free from the shackles of insanity.

    What happened next was life-changing. Instead of trying to get tips on how to land a job, I started to look at successful people that I wanted to emulate. Because I was no longer worrying about trying to get a job, I was free to turn my attention elsewhere, which led me to think about ways to achieve success and get ahead.

    It may sound like nothing, but in hindsight, it was everything. I realized what I wanted wasn’t a job. It was a fulfilling life. Of course, a source of income was an inevitable part of it, but it was just that. One part of a much larger picture.

    I was curious about how others had done it. I researched people I aspired to resemble one day. I perused advice and life stories of current CEOs and influencers. Then I revamped my application material with all this in mind, sent them in, and continued my exciting research.

    Instead of just looking for a job, I was now clearer about what I wanted and what I had to offer. I was more selective about where I applied, and I wrote my cover letters with a deeper understanding of the companies and how I’d fit within them.

    To my surprise, I landed an interview within twenty-four hours. The next day, I landed another two. I was completely thrown off, but I could not deny the immediate effects of my tiny decision.

    Simply by switching the search terms online, I was getting better results in my own life. The simplicity of it was what shocked me the most. After all, everyone knows that if you aren’t getting results you want from a search engine, you change the terms.

    I was reminded of countless accounts of people who had tried something else and achieved seemingly miraculous success, but until this moment, I never thought it would happen to me. I just thought those people were lucky. I didn’t even realize this was what I thought until I collided head-on with the revelation.

    As it turns out, luck often comes to those who want to create it. Positive thinking is good but ineffective without action. And that action could be as small as simply deciding to change.

    In reality, all I really did was switch from a passive state of mind to an active one. I had made a decision to change, and therefore brought it about. More importantly, the positive messages I discarded weren’t wrong. It was my way of taking them in.

    Now, I don’t stop with listening. I don’t think, ”that’s really good advice” and do nothing about it. What I do now is take the advice and run with it. Think of ways to make it my own. After seeing the difference it made in my life, how could I do otherwise?

    If you want change, don’t wish for it. Create it.

    Time for a change image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Crash Dieting: An Enjoyable Approach to Sustainable Weight Loss

    Stop Crash Dieting: An Enjoyable Approach to Sustainable Weight Loss

    Woman in the Park

    “It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

    You wouldn’t believe it now, but in my college days I did my fair share of crash diets.

    The craziest was the one where I tried (and failed) to eat nothing but oranges for nine days. My roommate’s ex’s dad was a veterinarian, and after the good doctor lost fifteen pounds on the same high vitamin C, high fiber, non-sense diet, I decided to try it for myself.

    It was based on a specific number of daily oranges to keep your metabolism and energy levels up. Orange juice was off limits, but I could season the slices with my favorite chili powder to mix it up a bit.

    I was off to a good start and enjoying the attention from friends who couldn’t hide their disbelief or their laughter.

    My resolve crumbled after sundown on the third day. No longer hungry, I had eight oranges to plow through before calling it a night. Instead, I ran to the cafeteria for chicken salad, and that was the end of the infamous orange diet.

    Crash dieting on oranges did nothing for my waistline, but it satisfied a deeper need. It was never about my weight or the way I looked. Crash dieting was fun; it broke the routine and more importantly, it was a distraction.

    My dad had just been diagnosed with an aggressive type of brain cancer, and these food fixations kept my thoughts on something that I could control. Instead of worrying about survival rates, I obsessed over the jeans I couldn’t fit into anymore, or how many hours I had to put in at the gym.

    For years my weight yo-yoed, stabilizing only after Dad passed away. At that point I was no longer binge eating to silence my anxiety, or dieting to lose a few pounds before putting them on again. It took two years for the weight to come off but it never returned.

    My relationship with food is still a work in progress, very much linked to my mental and emotional state of mind. Based on these experiences, I have opted for a more balanced approach to health and well-being.

    It’s about being patient, mindful of our impulses, and compassionate in our self-talk. The word “diet” has no place in my vocabulary. Rather, I take the middle road, eating almost anything in moderation. A few thoughts to consider include:

    1. Is it hunger you’re feeding, or something else?

    Dieting is useless unless we deal with the emotional and psychological issues that lie beneath. Anxiety over my dad’s illness fuelled my crash diets and binge eating. Think about the need that is being filled.

    Are you bored, stressed, or just looking for love in a chocolate bar? Is there a healthier way to satisfy that need? Knowing yourself is the first step; this is where a healthy dose of introspection will come in handy.

    There is plenty of reading material on emotional eating. My favorite so far is Doreen Virtue’s book, Constant Craving.

    2. Focus on maintenance instead of weight loss.

    The weight came off when I began eating as if I were already at my goal weight. That slice of chocolate cake was no longer the enemy. I could treat myself in moderation, so long as I listened to my body and stopped when I was full.

    This approach enabled me to make peace with my appetite. It also made exercise fun again, because I went to the gym when I wanted to, no guilt trips included.

    Pushing ourselves at the gym may be a popular option, but finding an activity that we genuinely enjoy makes staying fit so much easier. Whether it’s kickboxing classes, jogging, or ballroom dancing, make sure you have fun and get those sessions in regularly!

    3. Educate, love, and accept yourself fully.

    Buddhist philosophy teaches that ignorance, attachment, and aversion are the three downfalls of human nature. All too often we fall victim to the illusions of the mind, especially where loving and accepting our physical body is concerned.

    Taken to the extreme, wanting to lose weight because we dislike our current size can involve both attachment to an unattainable ideal and hatred of what is. It’s time we release the need to be perfect, love and accept ourselves for who we are, and make informed food and lifestyle choices.

    4. Follow the middle road.

    In my previous life as a crash dieter, my food choices were anything but moderate. Rich and creamy desserts may not have been my friends, but that didn’t keep me away. Trying to avoid that chocolate cake only made it so much harder.

    Instead of avoiding certain foods because of their perceived sugar, fat, or carb contents, let’s think about the big picture. No single food choice is responsible for our health and well-being, rather it’s the combination of foods we eat, and how they are processed, that makes a difference over time.

    This is where we can use knowledge and patience to our advantage, consulting with a qualified nutritionist to develop a healthy and satisfying nutrition plan that can last much longer than a simple New Year’s Resolution or a crash diet.

    5. There’s no time like the present!

    Start today! Don’t put your new life off to Monday, January 1st, or any other mental milestone. And remember that you are not sacrificing anything. Think of this approach as spicing up your meals with a dash of conscious moderation.

    Woman in the park image via Shutterstock

  • Your Story Matters More Than You Think

    Your Story Matters More Than You Think

    Sharing Story

    “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

    When it comes to taking on a creative endeavor—or even just putting ourselves out there in ways large and small—one of the (many) ways we get ourselves stuck is by saying we don’t have anything new to offer.

    What am I adding to the conversation that hasn’t already been said, we ask. This has been done to death, we worry.

    Such a disservice to our own unique voices, I say. Not to mention the people who need to hear them.

    I was the type of student who rarely spoke in class. I was engaged and excited by the material, but when it came to discussion or asking questions, I was so afraid of looking stupid that I typically clammed up—so much that a high school classmate of mine, a good friend, once yell-whispered “Say something!!” to me during a heated class debate in which I was anxiously silent. (That didn’t make things better.)

    What I came to notice, though, through high school and beyond, was that people would often ask questions or make observations that I’d been thinking of, but that hadn’t occurred to me to say. And then I’d get annoyed that I hadn’t!

    There, again, was the belief that I had nothing new or interesting to say. The fear went deeper, though: in all the ways I felt different, I worried that no one could relate to me. By remaining silent, I believed, I could avoid the pain of feeling rejected, or conversely, avoid the anxiety of having to discuss life circumstances that felt overwhelming.

    Whether from others or within myself, the threat of rejection was everywhere. And so for years I unconsciously dismissed my opinions before they fully surfaced in my mind; but they were validated whenever someone echoed them.

    Your experience matters more than you know, and sharing it could create the permission someone else needs to do the same.

    It’s true: there’s a whole lot of similar content out there. We want to learn something new, be inspired, feel something special, be moved—and so we judge, because we feel cheated when we don’t get that.

    We have all sorts of ways of writing off “derivative” work. And if we happen to have already started telling our stories publicly (as I have recently, finally!), the internal pressure to keep it fresh can threaten to stifle us further.

    Gradually, I’ve learned that what we’re really seeking is integrity—the spark that comes from getting fired up about something and letting people see us there.

    No one’s gotten your perspective on a topic yet. No one’s heard it the way you’d say it.

    Even the most done-to-death idea might be waiting for you to breathe new life into it, because you approach a subject with your one-of-a-kind combination of life experience, personality traits, and philosophical leanings.

    Your worldview, and your work, is yours alone. But your vitality is contagious, as is the courage you demonstrate when you bring it.

    In reality, you don’t know what others have seen or heard or experienced. Your audience is largely unknown—particularly if your goal is to connect beyond your immediate circles.

    If you’re bored by your work, that’s one thing; if you stall because you’re concerned about others’ judgment, understand that judging yourself first doesn’t serve you (as protective as this may feel).

    Yes, we want a positive response; but releasing your honest work into the world is gratifying for its own sake. If your inner critic prevents you from doing even that, you’ll never get to know the positive impact you might make.

    You’ll never feel the joy of hearing how your work has led someone to think of something in a new way; the warmth of learning that your work has come into someone’s life at just the right time; or the thrill of seeing how your ideas have inspired people to do something similar!

    Creating, self-promoting, or speaking up might take time, but it’s worth it.

    So, shy folks, if you feel moved to comment on something, go for it, because the passion that’s prompted your voice—and the vulnerability it takes to offer it—is what people want to feel.

    Speaking your heartfelt truth is deeply satisfying, both to do and to witness. And, paradoxically, it’s that sharing of yourself that lets us all feel more connected.

    Man speaking image via Shutterstock