Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • 6 Ways to Deal with Critical, Judgmental People

    6 Ways to Deal with Critical, Judgmental People

    Finger Art Couple Fighting

    “When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” ~Unknown

    We all have people in our lives who unintentionally hurt us. Their words may sound harsh. We may feel judged. And they may question our choices so much that we feel emotionally unsafe around them.

    People can make comments about our career choice, living situation, life partner (or lack of), child-rearing decisions, and hobbies—and often when we didn’t ask for their opinion or advice.

    Oftentimes, the healthiest choice is to stay away from these people. But sometimes we have to pay a hefty price for this choice, and it’s worth exploring other options.

    For example, if some of these people happen to be relatives, or someone is your childhood best friend’s spouse or your daughter’s best friend’s mom, staying away may bring other challenges.

    And even when we can avoid them completely, it can be valuable to have such people in our lives, as they empower us to learn and grow.

    Note: I said we could invite them to be a part of our lives, not consume our lives! There is a big difference between the two.

    A few years back, a friend’s words began to hurt me and brought tears to my eyes, lots of tears.

    I knew her intentions were good, yet her comments on my choice of work, living situation, and vacations, and her constant unsolicited advice, left me feeling sad and angry.

    I opened up my heart and ultimately felt judged and vulnerable.

    I could have just let the friendship die, but that wasn’t an authentic manifestation of my values.

    A part of me wanted to tell her exactly how I felt, but I didn’t have the courage to face the consequences if she didn’t understand where I was coming from, and that I really wanted to save the relationship.

    I was sharing this with my mom, and in my pain I asked her why someone who cared about me would say the things my friend had said.

    She said something that stuck. “What if you look at your relationship with her as an opportunity to grow? What if you focused on what you could do and change instead of complaining about her? What if she were a friend not to hold, nurture, and support you, but to help you get a tiny bit closer to your own truth along with some pain and discomfort?”

    This was simple, yet deep and profound.

    Over the last few years I have become a little more skilled and have more peace and joy around this relationship.

    Here’s my list of the wonderful gems that have emerged, and my enhanced toolkit on dealing with difficult relationships.

    1. Acknowledge the pain.

    I have learned to acknowledge the discomfort with harsh words. This doesn’t mean wallowing in the pain or crying endlessly, but simply practicing awareness and noticing my own sensations and feelings as they arise, without getting overly attached to them or pushing them aside.

    I have learned that resistance creates more suffering, and accepting our own discomfort is the first step to lasting peace.

    2. Embrace your own fears and insecurities.

    Difficult interactions give us an opportunity to embrace our own fears and insecurities. When we feel hurt about something, it’s often because it triggers some unresolved emotion within ourselves.

    Recognizing this, we can practice compassionate self-inquiry, without anger or judgment toward ourselves.

    I have noticed that comments around my choice of work are most difficult to hear, and as I have peeled the layers I have learned that is where my inner critic is the loudest.

    What a lovely opportunity for me to come a tiny bit closer to my own truths, practice self- kindness, and work on myself instead of trying to change others.

    3. Cultivate curiosity.

    I have learned to have an open and curious mind toward critical behavior. I don’t need to judge or label, but I can still bring a deep sense of curiosity around why people may be behaving or saying such things.

    With this sense of curiosity, we’re better able to practice compassion for other people’s pain and suffering.

    Oftentimes when people say hurtful things, it’s because they are hurting and have unmet needs, and not because of who we are or what we have done.

    4. Demonstrate vulnerability with intelligence.

    I often felt upset because I opened my heart and revealed my imperfections and didn’t feel held or heard. I slowly learned that if someone might not accept my truth, it would be wise for me to exercise judgment around how much I share.

    As Brené Brown says, “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share, ‘Who has earned the right to hear my story?’”

    This didn’t mean that I was better or wiser than other people, but that at this point in our lives, my story doesn’t serve a purpose in our conversations.

    5. Create boundaries.

    Despite all the benefits that such interactions may bring, boundaries are essential.

    A boundary meant saying no to that Saturday dinner invitation (with kindness and gratitude), or agreeing to meet for coffee on a weeknight instead of planning a long, leisurely Sunday brunch. It also meant exercising judgment around the topics that I’d discuss and the opinions that I’d offer.

    If a relationship is causing you pain but you feel it’s worth keeping, ask yourself: What boundaries can I set to better take care of myself and my needs?

    6. Refuel and recharge.

    Practicing this piece can sometimes feel indulgent, or I can confuse this with “being weak,” but at its core, it is an act of strength.

    I have learned to take time and create space (even if it’s just five minutes) to do something to recharge and refuel after such interactions—take a walk or practice meditation, for example—in order to ground myself and bring myself back to my sense of calm and worthiness.

    —

    When people are critical and judgmental, it’s often more about them than us. Still, this gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves, take good care of ourselves, and practice responding wisely.

    Which of these most resonated with you? What’s in your toolkit that could be added to this list?

    Finger art of couple fighting image via Shutterstock

  • How Strong You Are

    How Strong You Are

    How Strong You Are

  • You Are Broken, Let Me Fix You

    You Are Broken, Let Me Fix You

    Mosaic Face

    “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Erikkson

    Let me fix you.

    You really should try not to be so sensitive, Leah. The world is sometimes a difficult and upsetting place, but you shouldn’t let it affect you so much.

    Let me fix you.

    You know, you really ought to spend more time with people, Leah. It’s not good for you to be alone so much.

    Let me fix you.

    You know, you really shouldn’t make such quick, spur-of-the-moment decisions, Leah. It’s not good to do that in life and you’ll end up regretting them.

    Let me fix you.

    You’re so young, Leah. You should be out dancing and dating and having fun, not sitting home alone with another book.

    Let me fix you.

    You need to be more realistic, Leah. I know you have big dreams for your business and life, but it’s not secure. We all have to do work we don’t enjoy, it’s just the way things are.

    Let me fix you.

    Thank you for trying to fix me. Now let me tell you this…

    Let me tell you…

    My greatest strength is empathy. I feel others’ feelings as if they were my own. Their pain is my pain. Their joy is my joy. I cannot help but cry sometimes and I cannot hold the tears in, as you would like me to, nor wait for a more convenient moment.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My sensitivity is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    I am an introvert and a thinker. Introspection is in my blood. Long periods of time alone are a joy to me. Where others might feel lonely, I feel replenished.

    I ponder, I reflect, and I muse over the thousands of dreams and ideas that are always in my head. I’m filtering, planning, connecting the dots and making sense of the world around me

    Please don’t try to fix me. My thinking is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    I am a woman of action and I do not like to wait. Once my mind is made up there is no turning back. Where others might be stuck in indecision, I have moved ten steps ahead. My life is in motion and I am creating in the real world the dreams I have in my head.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My ability to act is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    The future is beautiful to me. I see all that is possible and all that I want to create. In vivid colour and in high definition it appears to me. Whilst others see all that is wrong and the reasons why not, I see all that is right and all that could be.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My dreaming is my gift.

    You Are Not Broken

    For the longest time, I thought I was broken. I thought I had to change myself. I thought I had to behave differently. I thought that my way of being wasn’t the way of being. I wished I were someone else.

    At school my reports went like this:

    “Leah is a wonderful student but she’s too quiet and needs to speak up more in class.”

    In my nine-to-five office jobs it went like this:

    “Try not to be so sensitive, Leah. It’s not good to let people see you cry at work.”

    And when I handed in my notice, it went like this:

    “You can’t go through life making rash decisions like this, Leah,”

    And even now, almost three years into my journey of creating my dream life and business, it goes like this:

    “We believe in you, Leah, we really do, but don’t you think it’s time to look for a more secure job?”

    Everyone, everywhere, throughout my life has been ready with advice for me on how I should be.

    Over the years, not knowing any better, I tried to bend myself to their suggestions.

    I tried to be less sensitive. I tried to hold my tears in. I tried to be less impulsive and less impatient. I tried to spend more time around people. I tried to tame my dreams.

    But when I tried to do all these things, all I felt was pain and it didn’t make anything in my life work better the way people told me it would.

    Finally, thankfully, today, I see the truth.

    There isn’t and never was anything to fix.

    The very things that others told me were my faults turned out to be my greatest strengths and my most beautiful gifts.

    When I finally saw and embraced them as such, I was able to begin creating a life that encapsulated everything that I am instead of constantly struggling and trying to be something that I was not.

    It’s true for you too. There is nothing to fix.

    If you find yourself surrounded by people telling you should or need to be different, I hope these three short notes will help you let go of what they’re telling you and to embrace instead what is truly special about you.

    1. You are not broken, faulty, or defective.

    There is no right or wrong way to be. Each and every one of us makes sense of the world differently. The way you are may be different to those around you, but that does not make your way of being wrong.

    Instead of trying to bend yourself to their suggestions, take note of what the people around you say you should be like. There is a very good chance that they are pointing the way to your most special gifts and the things that make you uniquely you.

    2. Use your unique gifts to create a life you love.

    When you recognize, understand, and accept your personal strengths, you have the opportunity to consciously and thoughtfully craft a life that is in alignment with those strengths, instead of trying to squeeze yourself into a mould you won’t ever fit into.

    I didn’t see it at the time, but the pain I experienced in my office jobs were clear signs that I wasn’t where I was meant to be. The roles I was in didn’t value my biggest strengths and work often felt like a battle against my very nature.

    By seeing, understanding, and accepting my own personal strengths and gifts, I have been able to create a business and life that allows me to freely be all that I am. You can do the same.

    3. Forgive those who try to fix you.

    Remember that those who are telling you to be more like this or less like that—it’s not their fault. They, too, are filtering everything through their own set of unique gifts. Go easy on them; they’re just doing their best, like the rest of us.

    Listen to what they have to say, take anything that feels useful but go ahead and drop the rest without a second thought.

    Let me tell you this, my friend…

    There is nothing to fix and nothing to change.

    It is in those qualities that others might find difficult to accept that you will find your power.

    It is in the acceptance of those qualities that you will have the opportunity to not only create a life that feels right for you, but to have the greatest positive impact on the people and world around you in this short and precious life.

    You are a gift to the world. Just as you are.

    Mosaic face image via Shutterstock

  • Reclaim the Forgotten State of Wonder to Live an Extraordinary Life

    Reclaim the Forgotten State of Wonder to Live an Extraordinary Life

    Amazed Little Girl

    “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

    For years, I walked as if I were asleep.

    Autopilot steered me along the familiar paths between home and work and shopping centers and the gym. Paths I traveled so many times with my mind somewhere in the future or somewhere in the past, that everything around me passed like ghosts: present, unseen.

    Sometimes, in a moment between waking and sleeping, I glimpsed marshmallow clouds, a burnt sunset, the bruised hills, the star-studded night sky. But mostly I was pre-occupied with living my life: working, eating, sleeping, and sometimes playing.

    I didn’t even know that I didn’t notice what was around me, that I wasn’t paying attention or connecting to the world around me, until I had an encounter that changed the course of my life.

    Learning to scuba dive in the tropical sea, on my second ever dive, a small green turtle suddenly appeared and paddled gracefully through the water with her flipper-like limbs.

    As she moved in front of me, we locked gaze.

    In that moment, we were connected through an invisible essence, like all creatures and humans are connected in a way that we often don’t understand. I sensed her ancient wisdom and timeless soul, and was transfixed.

    Eventually, the turtle looked away then flapped her front limbs and swam away into the blue.

    I watched her until she was gone but she would never really leave me. That moment of connection flicked a light switch in my soul. From that moment I was hooked on diving and slowly I started to wake up.

    Some years later, in the midst of a career crisis, I quit my job in financial planning to be free for a while.

    I went to Thailand to pursue my love of diving and completed my Divemaster and Instructor courses.

    The way I lived changed completely: slow, in the sea, barefoot, lying on hot sand, riding motorbikes through jungle-covered hills, tangled hair, watching sunsets every day. I was wild and free.

    My senses were alive with bright colors, the scent of frangipani and the sweetness of ripe mangoes. I reveled in it all.

    I paid attention to everything—the moon’s fullness, the strength of the wind, the sun’s position to the horizon, and the presence of clouds for sunset’s potential beauty, although I always went to the beach to watch it anyway.

    Returning home to corporate, city life was a difficult adjustment; my free-spirit felt constrained, the concrete and glass buildings dead and cold, the routine numbing. But I carried within me everything I learned, and I knew that if I could see an amazing world overseas I could see one back home too.

    I kept a mindful writing practice called small stones, writing down at least one thing that I noticed every day, just as it was, in its beauty or plainness.

    I walked to work to escape the tired energy of the train and witnessed the city parks transform from green to tangerine to rust to paper bag brown to naked then back to green.

    I took time out to sit on the earth and feel the sun on my skin and the breeze brush my hair.

    As I opened my senses and my heart to the world around me, I re-discovered wonder—gasping “ah,” and “wow”—the essence of amazement that we all knew when we were children as we experienced something new only to forget how miraculous it was as the experience repeated became commonplace and normal.

    To be amazed and in awe of life is to feel fully alive and present in the moment.

    When we reclaim wonder in our everyday lives, whether we are washing the dishes, driving to work, or watching the clouds shift and change in the sky, we transform the mundane and the routine into a sacred experience.

    The ordinary becomes extraordinary and our lives deeper, richer, and more connected.

    You don’t need to spend money or go out of your way to find wonder. You can experience it right here, where you are.

    Simply stop and pay attention. Notice what is around you.

    Look with innocence and curiosity. Release the tendency to judge and describe with adjectives like ugly or pretty. Be grateful for what you witness and you will experience more.

    Let it move and inspire you. Write about it, take a photo, paint a picture, sing a song, say a prayer, dance.

    Your life is made up of some big moments but mainly many small ones. Without paying attention, your life will pass by quickly and your memory of it will be beige.

    But witness those moments with presence, gratitude, and wonder and your life will be vividly multi-colored. It will be extraordinary.

    Amazed little girl image via Shutterstock

  • If You Want to Be Happy, Do This First

    If You Want to Be Happy, Do This First

    Happy woman smiling

    “When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself.” ~Paulo Coelho

    Someone once asked me if I was happy.

    The question confused me because it didn’t really seem like something I had a choice in.

    I had two parents and wonderful siblings who loved me deeply. I was smart, a good friend, and had opportunities many people throughout the world didn’t have. I never worried about being hungry or safe. What else was there?

    Unfortunately, growing up semi-privileged doesn’t prevent us from developing fears and insecurities.

    Though there was laughter and creativity in my early life, I was too busy deflecting judgments and attacks to feel okay in my own skin.

    People would tell me to smile, so I learned that something was wrong with me if I wasn’t smiling.

    Someone told me I had a big nose and hairy arms, so I discovered my body was not up to my peers’ high standards.

    I often felt misunderstood or unseen for who I really was.

    As I got older, I dated men who made me feel good about myself. They loved me, with my big nose and hairy arms. They also had just enough problems to keep me busy avoiding myself.

    Somewhere in midst of trying to show them they could be anything, I lost myself entirely.

    I didn’t actually feel comfortable in my own skin. I judged my words, my actions, and my thoughts constantly. I did the same with others. I was always trying to figure “it” out. I don’t think I even knew what “it” was back then. I do now.

    “It” was happiness. I wanted to figure out how I could stop running in place. The present moment was never enough for me.

    I was always going to be happy when I had a new roommate, my boyfriend changed, I signed up at a yoga studio, my Mom saw things my way, or I was making more money. The now, for me, was completely inadequate, and I was always reaching for some future event to make it better.

    Throughout my twenties, my life began to transform, but it was just two years ago when I hit the climax. Three things happened all at once:

    One, I fell in love with a man who showed me unconditional love; two, I became conscious of the fact that I was in relationships with people who were no longer serving me, and I left; and three, I discovered breathwork, the most powerful tool in my life.

    The first thing, unconditional love, gave me the safety to see the truth about myself.

    Because I was always in relationships with men who needed me to be there for them, I had developed a habit of hiding from my own needs. This relationship allowed me to feel safe so I could finally focus on myself with the support of someone who loved me deeply.

    The second thing, leaving unhealthy relationships, showed me I had the strength to choose what is best for me.

    There were clear signs that I was engaged with people who were manipulative and felt they knew what was better for me than I did. Walking away from relationships that I had put so much energy, trust, and love into was challenging, but ultimately liberating.

    And the third thing, finding breathwork, transformed my life in the deepest way possible. Breathwork was my tool to accept myself.

    At the time I couldn’t fathom how breathing could make any sort of significant change in my life, but this particular type of breathing was powerful. It helped me get out of my head and into my heart. It helped me see the truth about myself and life.

    Through a two-step deep breathing process in a safe and guided environment, I was able to release limiting beliefs and past traumas. Breathing deep into my belly and then into my chest, I was able to bring my awareness into my body.

    It’s a healing practice that has a life of its own and didn’t require me to do anything but breathe.

    Each time I practiced I felt myself let go a little more until I was grounded into a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me. On many occasions breathwork has helped me feel the emotions I was hiding from, see the truth about my life, and know that everything is perfect as it is.

    Because I was always in my head, I was a very analytical person, always seeing what was wrong and how I needed to fix it. When I learned to accept myself, I was finally able to relax and enjoy simply being.

    And through accepting myself I learned to love myself. Not all at once, but it happened gradually. It’s probably still happening. But the eyes I see myself through now are full of funky daisies and hand drawn roses. Way better than red pen edits and negative graffiti, let me tell you.

    I am happy.

    If you’re unsure if you’re happy I have to tell you, you’re not. Happiness, to me, is not a state. Sometimes I’m down. Sometimes I’m up. Happiness is my relationship to life.

    I am happy in my life. I am happy in my skin. I am happy with the body I have. I adore the people in my life. I am blessed. I am grateful.

    The hunt for happiness is exhausting. I was always trying—trying to be knowledgeable about one more thing, trying to do this better, trying to make my business more successful. Everything revolved around reaching.

    Now, I sit back. I smile. I can let life unfold without needing to control it. I can enjoy each moment for what it is.

    There is naivety around happiness and healing. There’s this idea that we shouldn’t get sad, that we should be able to cope with every situation perfectly, and that we are only going to go up from here. That hasn’t been my experience.

    I have days when I’m depressed. But I know my feelings are fleeting, so I can embrace them and let them be what they are.

    I have grown and learned tremendously about myself.

    I have been willing to answer the tough questions honestly.

    I have been willing to show up and see the truth of myself. That means times get hard. Sometimes I get a little lost. That’s why I have my practice. That’s why I have support.

    This is what life is. It’s up and it’s down. It’s high and it’s low. It’s happy and it’s sad. And I love it all.

    I can’t reject the bad because it’s part of life. I embrace it and accept it. I break through the stories and limiting beliefs and show myself love and compassion. And that is how I am happy.

    So, if you want to be happy do this first:
 be willing to see the truth of who you are right now.
 Release judgment and accept everything about who you are right now.
 Show compassion for the parts of yourself that are difficult to bear. Begin to show yourself love.

    Rinse and repeat.

    This life is far too precious to wait another moment to be happy.

    Happy woman smiling image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Courageous Choices That Make Us Better, Happier People

    3 Courageous Choices That Make Us Better, Happier People

    Girl with Arms Raised

    “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    My daughter is the most courageous person I know. She’s two years old and fierce.

    So often we think courage looks like a warrior, soldier, or athlete.

    But I think we have it all wrong. Courage has a soft side that we have ignored for centuries.

    Take my daughter for instance. The other day she was running full speed ahead at the playground. She was so focused on getting to her favorite slide that she didn’t see the stick on the ground in front of her. In one second, she slipped, fell, and started bawling.

    I ran to her, picked her up, and kissed her knee. One minute later, she was wiggling out of my arms, feet on the ground, and running faster than before.

    Now that’s crazy courage. She had no reason to believe she wouldn’t fall again. However, she didn’t appear afraid at all. Even though previous experience told her she could fall again. She didn’t listen. She’s led by her enthusiasm and not her fear.

    Some people would say this is naive. But I think this is something adults need more of: courage.

    Courage is the ability to move forward boldly and authentically, guided by your intuition, despite fear, pain, or uncertainty. The word courage actually comes from the Latin word “cor,” which means heart.

    Inner courageousness allows us to follow our hearts, listen to our intuition, and lead soulfully satisfying lives while having all of our needs, desires, and goals met.

    Here are three ways you can have crazy courage like a toddler.

    Hit the ground.

    Go hard. Go fast. And if you fall, get up, dust off, and go again. But this time, go harder and go faster. Don’t worry about failure. Convince yourself that you can succeed. And no matter what sticks fall by your feet, persevere and keep going.

    I’ve hit rock bottom before. And you know what? It’s not a bad place to be. You get to let go of everything and start again. Do you know how exciting it is to start all over again? Make better choices. Go in a different direction. The joy of releasing any burden, any guilt, all of the “should’s” and “suppose to’s” and doing it all from scratch.

    So many people think they can’t start from the beginning and rebuild their life. So they stay in unfulfilling jobs, relationships, and negative situations. But honestly, the beginning of happiness is better than the middle of mediocrity or misery.

    Tell the truth.

    Be honest about your feelings. Don’t call fear apathy. Don’t call worry tiredness. If you’re afraid, it’s okay to say you are. The more you express your true feelings, the more connected you’ll be to your authentic self.

    Emotions are energy in motion. They are meant to come up and be released. We were not meant to hold on to them. Unexpressed emotions create baggage that slows us down. The more you deny your emotions, the further down you push your authenticity. Let your emotions rise up and let them go.

    Allow your enthusiasm to lead you.

    Have you ever felt so much joy bubbling up inside you that you wanted to run away? I don’t think we allow the full capacity of joy to overwhelm our lives. When was the last time you laughed from your gut? When was the last time you let joy shake you, rock you, and fill you up? Lean in to your enthusiasm.

    The more you seek to control this uneasiness, the less pure joy you will experience. Have the courage to let joy unnerve you and rock your boat. It’s a lot more fun to open up and let go. Trust me. Trust yourself. Fully commit to feeling good.

    This means taking that class you’ve been meaning to take. Going to places you think are beautiful. Spending time with people who encourage you. Learning that skill you’ve been craving to learn.

    Ditch the bucket list and start a living list of all the things you want to do while you’re alive. Start working on your list now!

    Schedule “joy” into your calendar. I know you’re busy, but it’s worth it.

    I recently started learning to play the piano. Making music exhilarates me. Will I become a concert pianist? Probably not. But even with two toddlers, I make time for it because I enjoy it.

    If you start with these three things, you’ll notice your courage muscles begin to build. It may hurt in the beginning. But if you keep going, you’ll get stronger. And not the fake strength that relies on bravado or hiding our emotions. But real inner strength that grounds you in inner knowingness, confidence, and certainty.

    Cultivating real courage makes us better people. And better people create better worlds.

    Girl with arms raised image via Shutterstock

  • Letting Go of Difficult Emotions eBook (Name Your Own Price!)

    Letting Go of Difficult Emotions eBook (Name Your Own Price!)

    Letting Go of Difficult Emotions

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

    Growing up, I often felt emotionally overwhelmed, causing others to call me “too sensitive.”

    It was very clear to me from a young age that emotion was a sign of weakness, but try as I may, I couldn’t escape mine.

    I believed there was something wrong with me for feeling so deeply—that I was fundamentally bad because of it—then I felt bad about my inability to change.

    As the years went on and life got harder and more complex, I struggled with severe anxiety and depression. I wasn’t equipped with the tools to manage the natural emotions I felt after others mistreated me, so instead, I learned to numb them.

    I numbed them with food, alcohol, and men, to name a few crutches, but my efforts often backfired.

    With so much pain repressed under layers of fear and shame, I often exploded in hysterics after one drink too many, unleashing on some defenseless friend or boyfriend a dramatic story of anguish and an eruption of despair.

    Coupled with the aftermath of bullying, this tendency to lose control of my emotions led me to fear social situations.

    Even if I didn’t drink—which I often did, to ease my anxiety—I couldn’t be certain something wouldn’t trigger painful feelings and I wouldn’t embarrass myself with my response.

    What if I obsessed and looked neurotic? What if I attacked and looked combative? What if I cried and looked unstable?

    Judgment seemed inevitable—from others and myself—but even worse I’d have to hear three seemingly patronizing words: let it go.

    As if it were that easy. As if I could just roll all my feelings into a neat little snowball and toss it out into the distance.

    I felt this was incredibly insensitive—that someone who clearly didn’t understand the depth of my pain would suggest that moving beyond it was as simple as “letting it go.”

    As if “letting it go” was an easy, one-time decision, like pulling off a Band-Aid.

    “Let it go” seemed like advice from the disinterested and lazy. At least, that’s what I thought back then.

    After spending years of my life trapped in a maze of disempowering stories, I’ve realized dwelling, complaining, and analyzing my life does very little to help my emotional state.

    I now know I don’t need to be a prisoner inside my own mind.

    I can’t help that I’m emotionally sensitive—and having leveraged my sensitivity to create this site, I now know I wouldn’t want to change that—but I can choose not to keep myself miserable and stuck.

    It turns out “let it go” is pretty helpful advice. But it’s such an abstract concept. What I wished someone told me back then was how.

    How do you let go of anger when your first thought in the morning, the last one at night, and the majority of the ones in between revolve around how you were hurt?

    How do you let go of resentment when it feels like you’ll never be able to change the things that you resent?

    How do you let go of frustration when you feel stuck, stagnant, and completely powerless to change it?

    How do you let go of worries when even the thought of letting them go fills you with worry?

    And how do you let go of your disappointment with yourself when you try your best to “just let it go” and continually struggle to do it?

    I’ve devoted much of the last decade to studying the art of letting go—a skill that’s helpful to all of us, not just those of us who are highly sensitive people.

    In this time, I’ve learned a few things that help with all disempowering emotions and a few things to address some of the specific ones that are the most difficult to release.

    In my new 54-page eBook, Letting Go of Difficult Emotions, I’ve tackled them one by one, addressing how to let go of:

    • Anger
    • Resentment
    • Frustration
    • Anxiety
    • Self-Judgment

    Each section offers a few simple things you can do to release the feelings, come back to the present moment, and find a sense of peace.

    And best of all, I’ve decided to release this eBook with a “name your price” model. The suggested payment is $10; however, you can pay as little as $1 or give more than that, if you’ve gotten a lot from Tiny Buddha and would like to give more back.

    [gravityform id=”10″ title=”false” description=”false”]

    I hope you find this eBook helpful, and I welcome any feedback at email(AT)tinybuddha.com.

  • Create Lasting Habits: The 4 Psychological Triggers That Catalyze Change

    Create Lasting Habits: The 4 Psychological Triggers That Catalyze Change

    Man with Arms Raised Image

    “Things do not change; we change.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    The world knows no joy like an evangelist with an opening. My eyes lit up as I jumped into my sermon on the incredible power of lifestyle change.

    The year previous I had decided it was time to take charge of my health, and I had made some big changes.

    I transitioned to a whole food diet, put plants at the center of my plate, started meditating regularly, and began attending yoga classes multiple times a week.

    I was absolutely astounded at how the synergy of these three lifestyle changes completely transformed my quality of life.

    So when my friends began asking me to what I owed my newfound glow, I couldn’t wait to endow them with the key to lasting health, effortless weight loss, and inner peace.

    And so my lecture would begin. “It’s so simple! Just change your diet, start exercising, oh and don’t forget to meditate every day!”

    Can you guess how many people I converted? Not a one. My regretful interlocutor would begin to nervously shift their weight, looking for any opportunity to end the conversation.

    Finally, the realization made its way through my thick skull that everyone already knew that they should be eating right and exercising.

    The last thing they wanted was to listen to someone else preach the values of diet, meditation, and exercise—what they already knew that they should be doing.

    So I finally learned that knowledge isn’t enough to trigger a lifestyle change.

    Despite knowing full well the value of yoga, meditation, and eating veggies, few people are able to make and sustain such changes, especially with career obligations, social engagements, and the other demands of modern life.

    So I was left with a conundrum. What was it that had allowed me to make these changes? What was I missing in helping others to realize the same health benefits and increased quality of life?

    I became obsessed with answering these questions, and thus a quest was born. A few months later I packed up my life and moved to Arizona to work for a holistic healing center.

    I spent the next four years at the Tree of Life center in Patagonia, Arizona, where individuals are taught yoga, meditation, and a plant-based diet as a healing modality. I supported hundreds of people as they adopted the same lifestyle changes that I underwent, and the results have been powerful.

    But what I was most interested in exploring was not the effects of diet, yoga, and meditation, but rather understanding what allows individuals to make and sustain these changes in their lives.

    Why were some able to take these holistic health practices back into their busy everyday lives when they left the center? Why were some successful when others continued to struggle?

    I devoured every book on the science of behavior change that I could get my hands on, and had the incredible opportunity of applying the principles in a real life setting.

    The takeaway? Behavior change itself is a skill, and there are certain psychological triggers that we can employ to kickstart the process. Anyone can learn these triggers and cultivate the ability to make healthy changes that are sustainable and lasting.

    Here are the four best ways to catalyze change:

    1. Start small and celebrate success.

    Healthy habits are the bedrock of lasting and sustainable health. Why? Because once established, they no longer require willpower to maintain.

    But what is the best way to create a habit?

    Stanford psychologist BJ Fogg has pioneered an extremely effective behavior change method that he calls Tiny Habits.

    The premise? Start small and celebrate your successes.

    Want to cook more plant-based meals? Start with putting a recipe book out on the counter on Sundays.

    Want to start meditating? Start with just three breaths every time you sit down at the computer.

    These tiny actions may seem insignificant, but by starting small we remove the biggest barrier to change—simply getting started.

    Engineering (and celebrating) early success is key in reinforcing the creation of new habits and also motivates us to make bigger changes in the future.

    Tiny habits transform into big habits, which cascade into big life changes.

    2. Understand the motivation myth.

    The key to changing behavior is motivation, right? We need to be motivated to cook healthy food, to go to the gym, to wake up early and study.

    Not exactly.

    Motivation naturally waxes and wanes, and psychologists have found that trying to change how motivated you are at any given moment is hard. Really hard.

    The better bet is to use times of high motivation strategically.

    Everyone has periods of peak productivity, and the best way to leverage these times of high motivation is to do something that helps structure future behavior.

    Next time you find yourself having a super productive day, use that motivation to sign up for a weekly yoga class, invite an interested friend over to explore healthy cooking every Sunday, or plan a plant-based potluck.

    These are all examples of setting up future events that will help keep you on track. Using your existing motivation to create accountability and social support increases follow through.

    3. Get laser focused on one big win.

    The archnemesis of healthy change is a pernicious little devil called overwhelm.

    Take getting healthy for example: There are thousands of different dietary theories, conflicting health information, and more exercise programs than I can count.

    Should you be fasting one day a week? Eating a low-carb or low-fat diet? Doing yoga? Jumpstarting yourself with a cleanse? Doing three hours of cardio weekly? Eating plant-based meals? Weight training?

    The options are endless and analysis paralysis can easily set in.

    Focusing on one big win is about identifying what is going to give you the greatest result for the least amount of effort.

    For weight loss, a great “big win” is to focus on meals that are low in caloric density, i.e. plant-powered dishes which include a wide range of veggies, beans, grains, and greens.

    You can eat as much of these nourishing, delicious, hearty foods as you like and make sustainable progress toward your goal weight.

    Whatever your goal, find what gives you the biggest bang for your buck and ruthlessly cut back everything else.

    Simplicity empowers change.

    4. Learn one thing at a time.

    In their book Switch: How To Change Things When Change Is Hard, authors Chip and Dan Heath share some surprising truths about change.

    For me, the most interesting revelation is as follows: What looks like resistance is actually a lack of clarity.

    When taking up healthy habits, there is almost always a learning curve.

    We might go the gym, but we don’t really know how to work out.

    We want to cook healthier meals, but the recipe is full of exotic ingredients we’ve never heard of before.

    And we most often resist making these changes not because we are unmotivated, but because we don’t see a clear path forward. We don’t know the exact steps to take to begin eating better, exercising, or sitting down to meditate.

    The best way to reduce the resistance and get started? Break down the task in front of you into baby steps and learn one thing at a time.

    If you are interested in cooking healthier meals, first learn how to shop. Add a new-to-you ingredient to your list every time you go to the store.

    Once shopping is a breeze, then devote time to learning to cook up a few quick, easy, and delectable healthy recipes.

    Breaking down the learning curve into easy, manageable steps is one of the best ways to catalyze change.

    The most important takeaway here is the understanding that behavior change is a skill that can be learned and cultivated.

    There is no secret source of motivation, willpower, or discipline that some have and others don’t. Apply these psychological triggers and you’ll be well on your way to creating healthy habits that are sustainable and lasting.

    Man with arms raised image via Shutterstock

  • It’s Okay to Need a Little Help

    It’s Okay to Need a Little Help

    We Can Help

    “Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.” ~Unknown

    It’s 2004, and I awake in a student college in Melbourne, Australia. This comes as no surprise, because, at the time, I lived there.

    I groggily stagger to the shared bathroom on my floor, to perform my morning washing routine. There’s nothing unusual about my lavatory procedure, so I’ll omit the details, for all of our benefits.

    So far, so good. Already I’m full of optimism for today.

    As I wash my hands, I glimpse myself in the mirror and notice my majestic, messy bed-head.

    I often sport a disturbing, motley “I’ve just fallen out of bed” look for entire days, as I forget to check in the morning that I look sufficiently acceptable to go outside.

    I usually see myself in a mirror just before I go to bed, and invariably feel retrospectively ashamed that I’ve had tufts of hair beaming in assorted directions since I woke up.

    On this day, however, I notice my unconventional tufty hair and take immediate, drastic action, slapping the top of my head with my wet hands to encourage my mane into an acceptable shape. I stride out of the bathroom, feeling satisfied.

    Universe 0, Neil 1. One triumph already: not appearing for the entire day as if I have just fallen out of bed. What an excellent start to the day.

    Sadly, I only take a few steps before the soapy water I unthinkingly applied to my head pours into my eyes, burning them immediately with painful chemicals.

    Still, no need to panic. I’m an adult, I can handle a little soapy water. I am aware of the process for fixing a foamy intrusion into the eyes. As per the plan, I don’t even break stride, simply rubbing my eyes to remove the water.

    Unfortunately, this only makes things worse. It feels like I dislodged my contact lenses and got the soap in behind them. Now everything really burns.

    Okay. There’s no need for alarm. I simply need a new plan. I’m already most of the way to my bedroom, so I can slip in there, find the sink, wash my eyes out, replace my contacts with chemical-free fresh lenses, and then we’re all sorted. I’m still destined for victory today.

    I take another step toward my bedroom door, eyes screwed tightly shut.

    I fumble for my keys and pull them hurriedly out of my trouser pocket. Sadly, in my haste they slip out of my hand and fly somewhere into the dark void in front of me.

    Uh-oh.

    I squint my eyes open slightly and shut them immediately. I can’t see a thing through the caustic chemical tears. What the hell is in this soap, I probably would wonder if I weren’t so distracted by the agony behind my eyelids.

    Right. Time for a new “new plan.” The corridor is small, so it can’t take long to locate my keys, get into my room, find the sink, wash the soap out of my eyes, replace the contacts, and then—finally—victory!

    No need to cancel the celebratory parade for how awesome today will be. Yet.

    I scrabble on the floor for a moment, then another moment, and then another slightly longer moment.

    I seriously can’t find my keys. In making the “new new plan” I significantly underestimated how much I rely on the ability to see.

    The discomfort of squatting and bungling around is adding to the stinging in my eyes, and I realize my new highest priority needs to be getting rid of this infernal soap. 

    (With hindsight, this should probably have been the priority from the beginning.)

    Taking stock again, I come up with a new “new new plan.”

    I’ll go back to the original shared bathroom and wash my eyes out there. Then, using my regained power of vision, it will be trivial to find my keys. After that, I can let myself into my room, replace my lenses, and finally I can leave for breakfast. Still victorious. Definitely.

    I stand up, face toward the bathroom, and charge ahead at maximum eagerness.

    SMACK!

    I run face first into the wall, having apparently completely lost track of which way I was facing.

    I crumple to the floor, like a sack of idiotic potatoes.

    At this point, I finally admit that I am defeated.

    I have no new plans. No “new new plans.” No plans of any kind whatsoever. My face hurts from hitting the wall with it. My eyes hurt from the chemicals I foolishly rubbed into them. I cannot solve either problem.

    As I lie there, blankly failing to handle the situation, I hear the voice of the pretty girl from down the corridor:

    “Do you… do you need any help?”

    Yes. Yes, I need help.

    And not just with simple things like a morning routine.

    I’ve suffered from anxiety all my life. And the main lesson I’ve learned is that keeping it to myself only makes it worse.

    Yet I’m less willing to ask for help when I need it most because I don’t want to look weak. I’m scared of the judgment it might bring.

    But I’ve found that, in reality, people judge us far less harshly than we do ourselves. Being honest about needing help makes us seem strong, not weak.

    Whether it’s a major problem like daily anxiety, or a silly thing like getting soap in my eyes, I’ve learned that it’s crucial to just be honest about it with someone I trust.

    Whatever you may be suffering through, there are those who would happily suffer through it with you, if only you’d let them. Maybe you know them, maybe you haven’t met them yet.

    But, trust me, you’re better off seeking help than trying to do it all alone.

    We can help image via Shutterstock

  • Two Gifts

    Two Gifts

    Two Gifts, My Eyes

  • Lessons from Almost Dying: How to Appreciate the Everyday Awesome

    Lessons from Almost Dying: How to Appreciate the Everyday Awesome

    “We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.” ~Bill Watterson

    “Rare as hell.” That’s how my doctor described my leukemia.

    The cancer had gotten real aggressive, real quick, and I’d need some heavy-duty chemo and a risky bone marrow transplant if I had any chance of surviving. How good a chance? “Forty to fifty percent,” said my doctor.

    Oof.

    As an otherwise healthy twenty-seven-year-old, cancer had been the furthest thing from my mind. Now, every waking thought was consumed by it. But I wasn’t ready to die. I decided to do whatever I could to beat the odds. It started with a list.

    One night during my initial stay at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto, I pulled out my journal.

    At the top of a new page I wrote the words “reasons to fight.” I then proceeded to write anything and everything that came to mind about what made life so awesome and so worth fighting for. Before I knew it, my list was 118 items long.

    Reviewing my hastily scrawled list, a number of things stood out. First, I was surprised how much food made the cut. The fact that “bagels with cream cheese” preceded “mom” should tell you something about how hungry and sick of hospital food I was when I wrote the list.

    Food bias aside, the people in my life certainly made a strong appearance—parents, brothers, sisters, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles. Finally, the list burst at the seams with life’s simple pleasures and experiential riches. Things like:

    • Gin and tonics (#40)
    • Hiking in the Fall (#19)
    • Tobogganing (#22)
    • Summer road trips (#81)
    • Building a fire (#35)
    • Slow-dancing (#46)
    • Writing (#66)
    • Beach sunsets (#77)
    • Skinny-dipping (#79)
    • Summer parties (#82)
    • Good conversation (#90)
    • The smell of campfires (#72)
    • Wedding receptions (#110)

    In our goal-oriented culture that places so much emphasis on reaching the next milestone, it was interesting to look back at my list.

    Lying on what could very well have been my deathbed, I wasn’t worried I’d miss out on getting a bigger house, fatter paycheck, or sexier job title. I wanted to live so I could continue to enjoy the little, everyday things with the people I loved.

    The Power of Being Present

    My near-death revelation call is hardly a new idea. For millennia, philosophers and world religions have been touting the virtues of living in the moment and appreciating the little things.

    In Buddhism, the Eightfold Path to achieving enlightenment includes Right Mindfulness: the practice of being completely present and paying full attention to the situation at hand.

    In 23 BC, the Greek poet Horace was penning Odes, famously reminding us to carpe diem—to seize the day and place no trust in the uncertainty of tomorrow.

    And in the 1800s, Henry David Thoreau strove to “live deep and suck out all the marrow of life” during his simple living experiment at Walden Pond. “You must live in the present,” he concluded, “launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”

    Even 900-year-old Yoda had strong feelings about living in the moment, chiding Luke for having his head in the clouds. “All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon,” the Jedi Master scolded. “Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph.”

    That ancient wisdom is backed up with a growing body of modern research.

    In one study, researchers out of Harvard University developed an iPhone app to track the happiness levels of its participants at random intervals.

    The volunteers would reply with information about what they had just been focused on and how happy they felt. The results? People are at their happiest when they are living in the moment and focused on what they are doing.

    Other research shows that learning to savor small, positive moments can significantly increase your happiness.

    Similarly, studies show people who foster an “attitude of gratitude” for everyday activities are shown to sleep better, be in better physical health, and have lower stress levels.

    Mind Your Mibs

    Whether it’s daydreaming about the weekend, brooding about an argument you had last week, or burying your head in your smart phone, it’s easy to find ourselves in a million places other than the here and now.

    Furthermore, in our milestone-obsessed society, we tend to look to achievements down the road for fulfillment.

    I’ll be happy when I’m married… when I’m making 80k… when my I have a thousand followers on Twitter. We become so preoccupied with the destination that we lose sight of the journey, of the adventure in getting there.

    And don’t get me wrong: goals and milestones are important. They inspire us to be better, to try harder, to reach new heights.

    But as my list reminded me, as great as accomplishments are, there’s tremendous satisfaction to be found in the little Moments In Between—or “mibs” as I like to call them.

    Learning to embrace your mibs and live in the moment is an important way to find happiness on a daily basis.

    Easier said than done, of course, and I certainly still struggle with it. I even caught myself obsessing about edits I wanted to make to this article while I was out for a walk, instead of appreciating the fresh air and sunshine.

    But I’m trying. And with a little discipline, I think anyone can get better at minding their mibs. Here are a few suggestions:

    1. Enforce a no-phone rule.

    Sure, technology has the power to connect. But it’s also got a nasty habit of pulling us away from the moment. Commit to phone-free dinners and give your full attention to the people you’re with.

    2. Go for a “one-sense walk.”

    If you find yourself worrying about the million things you need to get done or obsessing about something in the past, lace up your sneakers and go for a walk. Choose a sense to focus on and start a mental inventory of everything you encounter.

    For example, you may choose “sight” and pay close attention to the colours of the houses or the different types of trees in your neighbourhood. Or you might choose to focus on the things you hear, like the birds chirping or the crunch of your footsteps.

    3. Make your own list.

    My reasons to fight list was a great reminder of all the simple, amazing things around me. Whether it’s making a list of your own, starting a gratitude journal, or getting into the habit of thinking about the little things you’re grateful for while you’re brushing your teeth, make time to regularly acknowledge life’s everyday awesome.

    4. Collect memories, not things.

    My list overflowed with life’s little adventures and amazing experiences. When opportunities arise to try something new, say yes. If it’s a choice between a new pair of designer jeans or a weekend camping trip by the lake, choose the lake.

    More than six years after writing my reasons to fight list, I’m thrilled to say I’m completely cancer-free. And while it was a gruelling journey, it was an enlightening one as well.

    It taught me to not pin my hopes for happiness on far-off or one-off accomplishments. It reminded me to live in the moment and helped me embrace the everyday awesome—whether it’s sunrises (#78 on my list), sandwiches (#99) or a freshly made bed (#50).

    In short, it taught me to mind my mibs.

  • If You See Someone Without a Smile

    If You See Someone Without a Smile

    Someone Without a Smile

  • The Art of Pain: Why the Dark Times Make Life Beautiful

    The Art of Pain: Why the Dark Times Make Life Beautiful

    Couple on the Beach Painting

    “In each of us lie good and bad, light and dark, art and pain, choice and regret, cruelty and sacrifice… No one can live in the light all the time.” ~Libba Bray

    Happiness, and the quest for it, is not all it’s cracked up to be. What I mean is that I think we’re making a mistake in reaching only for happiness, lightness, good days, and good moods.

    I think that we’re restricting ourselves.

    We’re fishing in an ocean of emotions, looking to only reel in one or two kinds, throwing back the ones we don’t want without even noticing how shockingly beautiful they can be in their strange, confusing way, much like the fascinatingly mysterious fish of the deep sea.

    There was a long time in my life when I wanted happiness, so I avoided pain. I wanted to call myself brave, so I didn’t admit I was afraid.

    In my search for joy, I pushed away the other emotions I didn’t like, thinking I’d be left with only happiness.

    But something was still wrong. I wasn’t full. By denying myself the plethora of emotions and feelings we, as human beings, are supposed to experience, I was only connecting with myself on a surface level.

    I spent many of my days trying to achieve a persistent state of peace and happiness, and I wasn’t being honest with myself.

    How could I just be happy when my heart was broken in two? When my own dad wouldn’t talk to me anymore? When I was uncertain and afraid of the future and the path I decided to take.

    Yet all I wanted was happiness, and I kept pushing away anything else I felt that wasn’t “good.”

    It took me a while to realize that I didn’t feel like myself anymore. And that was because I wasn’t. I was pretending to be a flat placard of peace and joy, which isn’t very real, is it?

    I realized I was robbing my soul of all the emotions and feelings and desires it should have.

    Every feeling and all the changes we go through become precious when we realize they are all necessary, and they create contrasting beauty in our lives.

    Would you rather be happy, or would you rather be full inside?

    Happiness is fleeting. It flits in and out of our days like a bird, singing a beautiful song that we want to revel in all our life, for one moment while the sky is blue, not to be found on the days with dark clouds, heavy winds, and gray skies.

    But fullness—that is deep in our soul. When we have that, it never leaves. Fullness encompasses everything. It’s what allows us to be fully human in all the raw, real ways.

    We need the contrasts that fullness, not just happiness, provides us. How else can we know true joy if we have never known sorrow? How can we feel and trust the deepest kind of love if we have never felt heartbreak?

    In art, this is called chiaroscuro. It’s the play of light and dark within a picture, the idea that you need dark shading on one side in order to notice where the light is supposed to hit on the other.

    I believe that art reflects life.

    I think that by suppressing emotions we don’t like, such as fear and uncertainty and pain, we are taking away the shading of our own image. We’re denying ourselves the beautiful picture that needs the contrasts and shadows in order to be complete.

    Sometimes, two seemingly conflicting emotions can fit together and coexist. Have you ever felt that? Maybe you have pain inside you that you suppressed, and suddenly another person finds a way to gently bring it to the surface.

    That person and their kind eyes bring warmth to your heart, even while the pain is being laid bare.

    Happiness can fill your chest and sadness can well in your eyes until they are entwined in a beautifully poignant harmony. This is chiaroscuro in its most desired form—the shadow contrasting with the brilliant light, creating a depth and fullness that couldn’t be reached any other way.

    Don’t ever think that being so paralyzed by fear you don’t know how to take a step, or feeling angry and betrayed, or sobbing while your heart is in shreds, or feeling lonely or confused or uncertain or whatever you feel, is wrong or not good.

    It’s your shading, your shadows, making up the complete, beautifully exquisite image of your soul and your life.

    Couple on the beach painting via Shutterstock

  • Pearls of Puppy Wisdom: 7 Lessons from a Furry Little Sage

    Pearls of Puppy Wisdom: 7 Lessons from a Furry Little Sage

    Cavalier King Charles Puppy in the grass

    “Buy a pup and your money will buy love unflinching.” ~Rudyard Kipling

    I didn’t even want a puppy really. Puppies are synonymous with poop and pee. Everywhere. At least until they’re trained, and that takes time.

    Of course, they’re also synonymous with love and affection, puppy breath, and lots and lots of wet kisses. (I’ve learned to keep a towel handy around my little Bella.)

    Certain things I sort of expected when we got our little girl.

    I expected to lose some sleep for a bit.

    I was prepared to sacrifice the cleanliness of our home for a while. (Puppies and puppy toys are about as bad as actual baby messes, and sometimes worse.)

    I even expected to lose an object or two to the jaws of this teething little being—though my beloved $300 Bose noise-canceling ear-buds came as a very unwelcome surprise.

    That was the first lesson our puppy taught me. That hanging on to, dare I say being attached to, material objects is a sure-fire way to set yourself up for suffering.

    I mean, after all, they’re just headphones; they can be replaced.

    When it was all said and done, I was just thankful that she hadn’t chewed through an electrical cord somewhere and shocked herself to death.

    My second lesson under the tutelage of our King Charles Cavalier is one she delivers daily: Don’t forget to stretch.

    Not just after you’ve been sleeping all night, but every time you get up. Extend those limbs to their max and even let out a big yawn to open up your jaw muscles.

    This is a super important lesson for a guy like me that spends so much time hunched over his laptop.

    Speaking of which, it’s exactly when I’m hunched over my laptop that she offers up the third lesson: There’s always time for kisses.

    Now, I know there are many breeds of dogs and each has their own distinct characteristics. Well, the Cavalier is known for an enormous amount of affection; and Bella has it in spades.

    Hardly an hour of work goes by that she doesn’t jump up onto my lap and shower me with puppy kisses. And I’m not talking the quick little peck you might expect from other animals. No siree! She places her forelegs on either side of my neck and covers my face with hers.

    She’s a great reminder for me to give this same kind of love and attention to my family. You can never get (or give) too many kisses.

    The fourth lesson is one I’m still working on mastering, and that’s unconditional love.

    I would joke with my wife that only Bella loves me unconditionally, because if I locked them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, only Bella would be excited to see me and shower me with affection upon my return.

    My wife later experienced the truth of this when she had to leave our puppy in the car for a bit (not in any way endangered, mind you), and was greeted with great exuberance upon her return.

    Which leads me to the fifth lesson: dogs know how to let go. Well, maybe not of a bone, but of grudges, attachments, and feelings.

    Within two minutes of me scolding Bella for eating my ear-buds, she was right back on my lap and begging for playtime and attention.

    She somehow understood that my “No” said in anger was only a temporary thing. She didn’t add any story to it. She didn’t turn it into the idea that from now on I hated her.

    This lesson really got me looking at the places in my life where I could consider letting go. Where was I hanging on to a moment in time and carrying it with me into the future?

    Another great thing I’m learning from our puppy—don’t judge. That’s the sixth lesson.

    As I mentioned early on, I tend to work a lot over my computer, and she tends to try and distract me. In combination, it really does lower my productivity.

    So, sometimes I take Bella and place her in her kennel near me. She may whimper and whine occasionally, much preferring to be roaming loose, but I’ve noticed that she doesn’t judge.

    I mean, okay, maybe it’s a stretch to think that I can read her thoughts or feelings, but, to a large degree, I think I can. And I know that she isn’t sitting there thinking, Hmmmph! He’s just too damn lazy to play with me right now.

    And you know what? It feels good to not be judged. And when I tried it on the other way, it felt even better to not be judging others.

    I think our puppy’s onto something.

    And finally, the seventh lesson showed up over several days. That is, I didn’t see the lesson right away; I was just seeing, well, from human eyes.

    This lesson frequently takes place in my kitchen. On many occasions, I will make (and eat) my lunch standing at the kitchen counter. Please apply the sixth lesson here, and try not to judge me.

    As I’m prepping and eating my food, Bella sits patiently behind me, I suppose hoping for me to drop something. She’s so good about being quiet and not begging (and she’s just so damn cute) that I feel compelled to treat her.

    As I mentioned, I didn’t notice this last lesson for a few days, and then it came upon me like a ton of bricks. Bella never complained. Not one bit.

    Now, I know that may seem trivial, but hear me out.

    She would watch me take a big bite of my sandwich. Then another. And then a third, before I would lightly toss her a small piece of bread (about half the size of a kernel of corn).

    Then I went back to eating before I would treat her again in a bit.

    And then I noticed something big. I was placing very human thoughts into my perceived dialogue for her. That is, I imagined her thinking things like, Why is he getting to take big bites and I’m only getting crumbs? Or, Why won’t he just give me that whole damn sandwich?

    These thoughts I was giving her quickly devolved into things like, Wow, my master is a greedy jerk and What a selfish pig this guy is.

    It took a little bit before I let go of giving her any thoughts at all and actually tuned into what was likely more real.

    She was completely happy with what she got. Her thoughts were more likely in the line of “wonder” questions: I wonder if I’m going to get any food, followed by Oh, hey, I did. Brief pause. I wonder if I’m going to get any food.

    And maybe an occasional I wonder what that food tastes like.

    This lesson was my favorite because it’s all about being present. And not just being present, but also letting go of the need to make things up about the present. The need to give meaning to what we see in the world.

    My little puppy Bella, my great sage, is teaching me all the time. She’s a great example of being, here, now.

    Now if I can just teach her to poop outside.

    Cavalier King Charles puppy image via Shutterstock

  • The Power of Presence : A Few Simple Ways to Enjoy Life More Now

    The Power of Presence : A Few Simple Ways to Enjoy Life More Now

    “All that is important is this one moment in movement. Make the moment important, vital, and worth living. Do not let it slip away unnoticed and unused.” ~Martha Graham

    I am someone who is always focusing on the next step rather than the step I am currently taking. I am always longing for the next thing in life.

    Looking forward to the future isn’t a bad thing, but when it consumes 90% of your daily thoughts, it becomes a bit exhausting.

    My energy has always been restless. I get bored easily, crave change constantly, and yearn for immediate fulfillment. At one point, I realized I was letting a good life pass me by.

    I have been working full-time and have been a student year-round for over five years. Life has been repetitive for a long time, lots and lots of work with very little playtime.

    This began to leave my mind in a constant state of restlessness, and there was no turning it off.

    I craved more meaning out of life, richer experiences, and deep soul-searching. I had big ideas of what I wanted to do, so many ideas that it began to overtake me and make me feel angry about the life I was living.

    I became impatient and intolerant of my own life. I was in a rut. I felt completely out of control and stuck.

    I had always admired people who were able to be present and live in the moment. I had never been that type of person, and I really wanted to be.

    I realized the only thing I could control was the present moment; I could not control the future because it hadn’t happened yet. So I decided to focus my restless energy on things I could change that would help me live a happier life right now.

    In the brief moments when I wasn’t working, or at class, or doing homework, I decided to try turning off that multi-tasking motor in my brain. I began to focus on one thing, and one thing only. It could be something as simple as brushing my teeth or doing the dishes.

    You’d be amazed at how enjoyable simple activities can be if you enter them with a positive and uncluttered mind.

    I also decided to pick up a hobby and learn something new; I dabbled in a bit of photography and taught myself basic functions of the camera and different tricks and techniques. While school and work are stimulating, I often do things because I am told to do them, not because I want to.

    This was a refreshing perspective and a great outlet for that restless energy.

    I also started saying “no” less, and “yes” more. This forced me out of my comfort zone and enriched me with those new experiences I had been craving, even if they were small and simple. There’s nothing better than finding comfort in chaos and testing your boundaries.

    Once I began to practice these things daily, I started seeing benefits. I felt happier, more secure, and full of life again. My heart began to open and the weight that had been pulling me down began to lift.

    If you find yourself rushing through the present, focusing on the future, and not enjoying your daily life, it might help to try these small changes for yourself: fully immerse yourself in what you’re doing instead of multitasking, try a new hobby to create more moments where you’re engaged in something fun, and practice saying “yes” to things that you normally wouldn’t.

    This will push you out of your comfort zone and allow you to discover new things about yourself. It’s a lot easier to live in the now when you feel blissfully alive in the now.

    There will be times when you find your mind shifting somewhere that you don’t want it to go. Don’t judge it. Acknowledge it, and then mindfully transition yourself back to the present moment. With a little practice you will be amazed by how in control of your thoughts you really are.

    While I still have goals and dreams for the future, I am now focusing on what I can work on to be fulfilled in the present. These are the moments that matter; these are the moments that will soon be the past. We are not promised tomorrow, but we are promised right now.

    Live in it. Breathe it. Take in as much of this moment as you can.

    You are capable of being your best self, and you are capable of doing it right now. I challenge you to challenge yourself, to live in this moment, to break through your limits, and to find the very best, most present you.

  • When You’re Busy Looking for Happiness in the Future

    When You’re Busy Looking for Happiness in the Future

    Man Looking Through Binoculars

    “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop. Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being.” ~Rumi

    It seems like there is so much busyness in the world today. When was the last time you stopped to focus on your breath and to truly settle into the moment?

    When we’re busy, we don’t always prioritize these precious moments of full presence with our own aliveness.

    Being busy can become like an addiction, an urge that drives us compulsively. But what are we really looking for in all those things that keep us busy?

    A friend recently told me she’s been busy for four years renovating her house. Now that it’s almost done, she doesn’t feel what she thought she’d feel. “It’s just a house, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like a home.”

    I’ve found that the circumstances we think we want aren’t always what we truly want; we want the feeling we perceive it will give us. We believe changing our lives is going to give us a sense of completion or happiness.  

    For many years, I had a vision of what my perfect life would look like—as if that picture of happiness was a destination.

    I spent my life chasing a sense of freedom. I stayed unhappily busy in a career that promised financial security so I could eventually do all the things I loved in the future.

    I was busy assembling an idea of happiness, but every time I got something I thought I wanted, I felt unsatisfied.

    When I established my career, I then looked for “the one” romantic relationship. When I got that, I felt happy, but I always felt I needed more to complete my perfect picture.

    I once heard it said that there is nothing wrong with ego, it’s just looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking for freedom and completion in my circumstances.

    When you’re looking for love in your circumstances rather than in who you are inside, right now, in the present, you experience your life like a shell. Just like a house, it’s empty on the inside.

    You might have experienced it for yourself when you worked hard toward a goal but it didn’t give you that feeling of completion or satisfaction when you achieved it—and if it did, it was temporary.

    As soon as I realized I was chasing happiness in the future, I stopped. I radically started living for the now. I followed my heart into a new business, out of old relationships, and into new adventures moment to moment.

    Every time I acted on my heart, I felt an immediate sense of love that was different from what I felt when I made choices for love in the future.  

    Searching for completion in your circumstances is, in a way, looking for your sense of self in them.

    There have been times when I’ve gotten lost by misidentifying what I do with who I am.

    If you derive your sense of self or boost your idea of happiness through your life circumstances—your job, your financial security, or your relationships—it’s going to be painful when those things change form.

    The key is to stop making any of your circumstances mean something about who you are.

    When you find your sense of self in the wholeness of truly living for the now, you free yourself to occupy any life shell. Your contentment comes from who you are, which has nothing to do with what you do, what you have, or what you’ve accomplished.

    You can accomplish great things in this life. But when you know yourself at the depth of your being first, you don’t pursue goals to complete yourself; you pursue them to express yourself in the world, because you feel a love for expression as an extension of your love of life.  

    There is nothing wrong with being busy, but it can distract you from the love that’s already present in who you are at a level of being.

    It’s in moments of silence when I’ve laid down the chase for change that peace has found me, where I have wanted for nothing except just being alive. Happiness happens when you stop looking for it.

    So what are we all really looking for? I believe we are looking for ourselves in our hearts, the one we already are and always have been. I believe we are looking for a state of being—love, that feeling of happiness for no reason.

    Here is how we can find it:

    1. Slow down.

    Pause. Recognize why you’re busy and see if you can do less. Embrace the discomfort that comes from stopping and notice what you are avoiding by being busy. Be willing to sit in that discomfort.

    2. Stop focusing on externals.

    Stop pursuing goals with the idea that you’ll be happy when you achieve them, and put that energy into connecting with your heart. This will relieve the need to fix, improve, or change things out of fear.

    3. Know what matters to you.

    Ask yourself what’s truly important for you in your life. If you were going to die in one year, what would you do in your remaining time?

    4. Do what makes you come alive.

    Find the things that move you in your soul and create those experiences that touch your heart. It’s one step at a time, moment by moment.

    Be willing to turn your life upside down if you need to—get radical—and find support from those who also live by the movements of their heart.

    Man looking through binoculars image via Shutterstock

  • We Are All the Same, So There’s No Reason to Hide

    We Are All the Same, So There’s No Reason to Hide

    Woman in a Mask

    “One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it.” ~Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés

    It’s taken a long time for me to be comfortable with being completely myself.

    Most people who meet me now see a strong and confident woman. Yet, underneath that confidence there is still a little girl in me that is scared. I’ve accepted that she is always going to be a part of me; however, I have learned to take responsibility for her care instead of giving that to other people.

    When I meet new people, I suspect either they are relieved to talk to someone who is transparent and real, or they are uncomfortable with my directness.

    I imagine it’s not always a matter of instant like or dislike on their end, but sometimes it feels that way to me. Either way, I’ve had to learn to not let others’ reactions influence how I show up in the world.

    I spent a good part of my life as a chameleon, changing myself to try to fit in and be accepted.

    Being the youngest of four in my family meant I was left out, teased, picked on, and blamed by my older siblings. As a result, I turned out to be a geeky kid in junior high and high school, lacking any confidence or sense of self-worth.

    I walked with a funny lurch, had a bit of a speech impediment, and tried so hard to be liked that I achieved the opposite. In high school the kids all called me a dog and barked when I walked down the hall. I was the brunt of the jokes for every classroom clown.

    The late 1970’s in the heart of Southeast Texas was not a good time or place for a pre-teen to question her sexual orientation. My science teacher, who had become a friend, no longer wanted me in her class when she suspected I had a crush on her.

    The vice-principal of the school said I was sicker than I thought I was and needed professional help.

    My chemistry teacher told the group of popular girls if they didn’t stop talking he was going to make Shannon sit with them.

    We all know kids are cruel, but in Bryan-College Station, meanness wasn’t limited to by age.

    I’d make out with boys in the hallways or back of the school bus trying to prove I wasn’t gay. I started seeing a psychologist. I put up with the cruelty of my teachers and students because there was nowhere to escape.

    If people look closely they can still see glimpses of the young girl who kept her head down and slumped her shoulders trying not to be seen. She is still with me today. Defeated without any outs, however, she had only one choice if she wanted to live. And that was to stand up for herself.

    Because it’s difficult for me to do this, I can sometimes come across kind of loud, directive, or bossy. Early on I learned to put on a good show and convinced myself that self-confidence is the key to success. Years of trying so hard not to care whether people liked me eventually integrated into a strong persona.

    Underneath it, however, still lived that little girl in me desperate for love and approval. For most my life she’s been in control. Like a puppet master, she’s pulled the strings behind my mask, seeking out someone or something to be her salvation. She was great at staying well hidden but in control.

    All she ever wanted was an end to her suffering. All her searching and orchestrating was always been about finding a way to stop the pain. She didn’t know the strings she pulled were putting me right back into the frying pan. How could she know that by latching onto other people she’d end up more hurt?

    It took a lot of personal development, self-help, spiritual woo woo reading, seminars, retreats, workshops, relationships, therapists, self-analysis, journaling, crying, screaming, pleading, praying, rationalizing, and running for me to finally understand: Latching onto anything will only bring more suffering.

    When we keep parts of ourselves locked away and behind a mask, we only give them more power and control.

    Finding my authentic voice has meant holding myself with compassion and learning to accept all of who I am.

    Letting go of my need to be perfect and my self-judgment isn’t something I’ve been able to do once and be done with. It’s something I have to do over and over again.

    I can let down my mask and be real because I believe at our core we are all the same.

    I believe we all want love and approval. I also believe that it is only by giving that to ourselves that we can give it to each other.

    Woman hiding behind mask image via Shutterstock

  • Broken Hearts Can Lead to Awakened Souls

    Broken Hearts Can Lead to Awakened Souls

    “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” ~Cynthia Occelli

    There are no two ways about it.

    Heartbreak squeezes you as though you were an orange, crushes you as though it were a tractor, and cuts sharply as a razor blade.

    Breaking up with my former wife was the most crushing event in my life. It made me see myself as a failure, hide in embarrassment, and cry myself to sleep for months.

    There are so many things I’d rather do than experience a broken heart again—like, oh, I don’t know, take a safari through the Serengeti alone and have hungry lions eat me alive, or take a plunge into the shark tank at Sea World and discover just how friendly those creatures really are.

    When you’re in a long-term relationship, or married to that person for years, heartbreak can be life breaking. The world you know ends.

    Through heartbreak, you come to see yourself as rejected, dejected, failed, and damaged.

    You question the meaning of life and, if bruised badly enough, even wonder why you’re alive.

    Would it seem too nuts for me to say that the pain of heartbreak led me to believe that being buried alive would have been more peaceful? Settling into a coffin would have been more pleasurable than facing the world every day?

    These were the thoughts that occupied my mind for a couple years of my life.

    I’m glad to say I survived this experience and didn’t do any of these drastic things.

    I survived the end of a love gone wrong. I survived the shattered pieces of a broken heart that scattered around me. I survived the accompanying disillusionment, sadness, sorrow, and pain.

    I lived to tell about it.

    What life lessons can I give you other than the simple message that you can do it too?

    Simply this: Your heart might be broken and closed, but this experience can lead to a soul awakening; through it, you can form a deeper connection with your highest self and find a greater sense of peace and clarity. Here’s how.

    1. Assess the damage.

    At some point, you’ll have to go from being the person who is broken and lost to being an observer surveying the wreckage.

    What do you miss about that person? What did you lose? What shared dreams have vanished from your life?

    When the pain has stopped or when you decide that you can’t keep living with a heavy heart, you’ll have to see where you are so that you can rebuild your life from the ground up.

    Acknowledge the loss. See where you are emotionally, psychologically, mentally, financially, and spiritually.

    It doesn’t matter how bad of a place you’re in. Stopping to look around you, to reflect and acknowledge where your heartbreak has brought you, is a start.

    2. Let love flood in.

    Your love for someone has shattered to pieces. Every edge of your heart cuts; every corner twinges with pain and nothing seems to fit back together.

    While you may see that your heart is shattered, know that now there is space for light to enter.

    Where is the light?

    The light is the love already within you.

    The light is subdued and hidden. It seems distant. You had completely forgotten about it.

    The good news is that you can access the light again by cultivating your love of yourself.

    Wherever you see emptiness, let the light come in. Imagine sunlight filling the void.

    When you notice craters of loneliness, let the light in. Imagine love filling the void.

    When you see ice blocks of pain, let the light’s heat melt them. Imagine love melting the void.

    What we’re talking about here is love that’s already within you—unleashing, releasing, and recapturing it. We’re not talking about love for anyone or anything else.

    I’m asking you to tap into the love already there.

    Cultivating this love requires that you mend your heart.

    It requires that you slow down and take care of yourself. It requires long walks, meditation, and room to breathe.

    It requires healthier eating, rekindled friendships, and self-care.

    Learn that you are enough as you are. No one can fulfill you or complete you as much as you can fulfill and complete yourself.

    3. Let your ego wash away.

    Your bruised ego desires plenty of attention and wants to be deeply embraced. It wants to grab a hold of your life and turn you into a victim. Our egos don’t like to feel ashamed, vulnerable, or lonely.

    Becoming aware of the ego helps release its strong grip on your life.

    Gently notice the ego’s hunger and its to desire to encompass your life. Watch it become enraged, hurt, bitter, and vengeful.

    Examine if your love for your ex was based on true love, or a need to feel complete, a need for companionship, or a desire to feel good about yourself.

    Were you in your past relationship to fulfill your ego’s needs, or your heart’s desires?

    One is selfish and centered on you; the other is generous and centered on giving.

    The point is not to be hard on yourself; it’s to be honest with yourself so you can show yourself compassion.

    The ego comes from a place of lack and not having had enough love.

    You can water the ego with the love it desires. Treating yourself better, being mindful of your thoughts, and being kinder with the words you use toward yourself will help release the role of the ego in your life.

    4. Sit with your soul.

    I never connected with my soul during the course of my relationship.

    I was too busy nit-picking, disagreeing, and getting even with my ex. I was caught up in games, ego, and anger.

    I never tapped into my soul to guide the way.

    If I had, I would have come from a place of love for her and for myself. I would have showed up every day with compassion and understanding.

    The soul is an internal all-knowing sacred space that holds your highest truth, your most divine self, and an abundance of love.

    This space is your true nature, your essence, your clarity.

    Walks in nature, a meditative silence, a silent cathedral, a closed-eye prayer—all allow the senses to quiet themselves so that you can tap into your soul.

    Connect with this quiet, wise, all-knowing, expansive, light-filled space daily.

    Go forward in the world from this space of love and clarity. Learn to listen, love, and live from this sacred space.

    5. Let your soul guide you.

    Live your life from the source of internal power that comes from the soul.

    Listen to the strong command of your soul’s voice—your intuitive feelings and the wise internal whispers that come from a place of love and quiet strength.

    Hear the ego’s voice arise and acknowledge it. Thank the ego for looking out for you, then release it from its duties.

    Pledge to live your life from this soul-centered state of peace, awareness, and compassion.

    Embrace your soul. Feel it. Listen to it. Let it guide you.

    It’s time to gently sweep the broken pieces of your heart aside.

    Bow to your broken heart in gratitude, for if it hadn’t shattered so loudly and violently, you would never started on this path to your soul awakening.

  • Freedom Is…

    Freedom Is…

    Freedom Is Being You

  • A Powerful Way to Motivate Yourself to Pursue What You Want

    A Powerful Way to Motivate Yourself to Pursue What You Want

    Chances We Didn't Take

    “See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

    Until fairly recently, I was somewhat afraid of talking to girls.

    Well, that’s not exactly true. I was afraid of talking to girls if I had a romantic intent. If it was an innocuous conversation, I could be cool as a cucumber.

    As you can imagine, this stifled my romantic life somewhat. If I met someone and things were going well, once I realized that she liked me a little and I could move things forward, I would freeze up. Self-sabotage.

    This was very frustrating to me, and I know that I’m not the only one who has experienced this phenomenon. In some ways, it looks kind of like a classic case of “fear of success.” But in reality, it was more subtle than that. Consider the following situations:

    Scenario #1: Imagine that you see someone who you are attracted to walking down the street. You’d like to go strike up a conversation with this person, but you feel some anxiety. What if they don’t like you? How embarrassing it could be! Your mind fills with all kinds of negative thoughts.

    Scenario #2: Now imagine someone on their bike loses control and is barreling down the sidewalk toward them, but the object of your attention doesn’t notice. How much would you hesitate before yelling at them to move out of the way, or even to grab them and help move them out of harm’s way? I’ll bet you didn’t have to think twice.

    In each of these situations, the action that you want to take is to talk to someone who you are attracted to. But the intent behind each is incredibly different.

    I realized that when I wanted to talk to a girl in a romantic context, the intention behind my action centered on my wanting something from the girl. There was no malice or anything—it’s just that I felt as though I needed to “get” their romantic interest. It’s something I was “taking” from them.

    In hindsight, this was such a silly thing to believe! I must have felt that somehow I wasn’t good enough, that she wasn’t going to receive some benefit from talking to me. She would be doing me a favor by giving me attention, and I was somehow imposing a burden upon her.

    You can imagine how this intention might make me feel bad about going after what I want.

    But that need not be the intent that I go into the interaction with. I’m a pretty cool guy and I have a lot to offer. Instead of my intention being “I want to get her to like me,” why not “I want to make her smile,” or “I want to share my positivity with her”?

    When I started going into my interactions with women with a positive intent, the difference was extraordinary.

    I used to be far more hesitant, but why would I hesitate to share my positivity with someone? Most people are very welcome to having positive experiences, so why would I be nervous?

    That is the power of having a positive intent. But while dating may be one of the most obvious and easy to relate examples, this principle can be extended to many other areas of your life.

    It’s far easier to motivate yourself to take any action when you know you are doing so with a positive intent. And when you do take that action, you are more likely to be successful with it.

    Let’s say you are considering applying for a job that you think you’d love, but it might be a stretch to get it.

    You might be thinking something along the lines of “I want this job because I know I’ll get paid a lot and have a good time doing it. But they are asking for five-plus years of experience and I only have three, so maybe I shouldn’t bother…”

    It’s a very understandable intent (who doesn’t like getting paid and enjoying their work?), but it leads to a thought process that isn’t conducive to your success. You can see how much less likely it is that you’ll even apply for this job in the first place. And if you do apply, do you really think your best self will shine through?

    Far better would be to have a different intent: “I want this job so that I can make a positive contribution to an organization that I believe in.”

    Even if you don’t have all the experience that the job listing is asking for, you still want to contribute to this organization, so why wouldn’t you apply? And if you get an interview, you are far more likely to focus on how you can help the organization, and that will improve your chances of getting an offer.

    The next time you are feeling unmotivated or are anxious about doing something, examine your intentions.

    Getting yourself to actually pursue what you want could be as simple as reframing your intent.

    Regret quote image via Shutterstock