Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • You Were (and Are) More Beautiful Than You Think

    You Were (and Are) More Beautiful Than You Think

    Melissa Jeffcott

    “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” ~Kahlil Gibran

    Does a loved one have a favorite photo of you? A photo by their bedside or on their screensaver that reminds them of a special time and place and memory?

    Can I also hazard a guess that this isn’t your favorite photo of yourself? I bet you look at yourself critically and dislike how your face looks, or maybe your body is not cast in its most flattering light. I was reminded of this recently, and it made me think of how I view photos of myself in a whole new way.

    My husband and I met in beautiful Byron Bay a long, long time ago. Since we lived in different cities, and we were both young, wild (in the hair department, at least), and free, we would often meet up and spend our holidays there.

    This was always a wonderful time, as my love and I reconnected and spent many happy days hiking, surfing, swimming, and discovering the things we enjoyed about each other.

    I look back on these days at Byron as some of the most fun and carefree of my life. In my mind there are few better feelings than being young and in love, walking down a beautiful beach at sunset with nowhere to be and nothing to do.

    Wow, I was good at practicing mindfulness without even knowing what it was!

    Now, this was an era well before the age of selfies and sticks that take photos of both sides of your body. In fact, we didn’t even have digital cameras back then. (Someone pass me a stick of the walking variety—I’m so ancient!)

    Therefore, there are only a few photos in existence from this time, and those I do have are all stuck in photo albums sitting at the top of my cupboard gathering dust.

    However, there is one photo of me from that time that my husband has always loved. I am sitting on the beach against the rocks, and I’m not more than twenty-two. I am in my favorite purple Mambo swimsuit, with hubby’s trusty old Malibu surfboard right next to me.

    I am sure if I asked him, he’d say that this photo invokes memories of some of the happiest days of his life. What’s better than being at one of your favorite spots in the whole world, enjoying the freedom of surfing the waves with your beloved, then happily sitting on the beach under the glorious Australian sun?

    It will come as no surprise to you that I have never really liked this photo (hello, inner mean girl). I’ve always felt like I had a silly look on my face and my hair (which is crazy enough, at the best of times) was looking particularly wild and windswept.

    However, there is no doubt that it invokes great memories, and over the ensuing twenty or more years, my hubby every now and then looks at me with love in his eyes and says, “Hey, my beautiful Mambo girl. ”

    You probably just read that and thought, “Aw, how sweet.” But me, the object of such affection and love, would typically roll my eyes and sarcastically say something along the lines of “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” while feeling nothing like that young, carefree girl relaxing on the beach.

    You see, I felt that somewhere along the way of getting older and becoming a mother, with the many responsibilities that entails, I had somehow lost the essence of that young girl sitting there, full of love and hope for the future.

    However, I can honestly say that as a woman who is now on the other side of forty, with a newly renewed sense of self-belief and self-love (and who still has crazy hair but maybe not those long slender legs) I can look at myself a bit differently. This is what I would say to that young girl:

    Hey, you beautiful Mambo girl. In this photo you are young and carefree and in love, and guess what? That nature-loving, long-haired surfie boy taking this photo will go on to be your husband and the amazing father of your three wonderful children, and you won’t believe what else. He still sees you exactly the same way all these years later. Can you believe it?

    I can believe it now.

    The next time you look at a photo that someone else loves of you, I encourage you to remove your self-judgment and look at it with eyes of love and acceptance. You might be amazed by what you see.

  • Happiness Isn’t Ready Made

    Happiness Isn’t Ready Made

    Happiness Isnt Ready Made

  • Imagine Living a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From

    Imagine Living a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From

    Happy Man

    “Instead of wondering when our next vacation is we should set up a life we don’t need to escape from.” ~Seth Godin

    I was a senior human resources professional at the biggest company in New Zealand. I had a great team of people, a flash company car, and got to stay at the posh hotels and dine at the nicest restaurants.

    I was paid more than I thought I’d ever earn, I had a house overlooking the beach, and got to vacation at some fantastic destinations. My life had all the hallmarks of success from the outside, but inside there was a hole in my soul.

    I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I left school (or even a decade after), but I was taught what success looked like—a high salary, job security, a fancy title, and the higher up the ladder you went, the better. But my experience didn’t really fit this model.

    I’d had a feeling for some time that the corporate world wasn’t for me.

    In the morning I struggled to put on my work shoes and dress for the office, preferring to be bare foot on the beach in my shorts.

    I hated being stuck inside. Some days I’d never get to go outside my office. It just didn’t seem like me, but it paid well and every time I got promoted people would tell me how great it was.

    Eventually I had enough of climbing the ladder, pretending to be important, checking emails at 10pm, attending back-to-back meetings, commuting in city traffic jams, and sitting for hours in front of a computer screen, my phone constantly going.

    I would sit in meetings talking about strategies and adding value while looking outside, daydreaming of where I’d rather be.

    I was exhausted, unhappy, and I kept getting sick. It wasn’t so much the stressful job that tired me; the really exhausting part was pretending to be something I wasn’t, committing to things that didn’t matter to me, and selling out on my values and purpose.

    The further I climbed, the more I earned, and the more successful people told me I was, the unhappier I became. I had a full bank account but an empty soul. I thought there must be more to life than that.

    When I told people I did not find my job fulfilling, they looked at me like I had two heads.

    “Why would you expect it to be? It pays the bills; that’s its purpose. There isn’t anymore.”

    For a moment I thought maybe I wasn’t being grateful. I was lost in the cycle of wanting more; perhaps I was looking for greener grass? There was only one way to find out, so I took the leap, quit my job, and walked away.

    Many people thought I was brave for making the decision to leave such a good job without any qualification to do anything else and no other job to go to. Many more thought I was crazy.

    But I’m not the only one. Lots of people are now choosing to put their health and quality of life before work and seeking balance. We are beginning to wake up to the fact that it’s important to live our values and spend our days doing things that matter to us.

    Of course, you don’t always have to quit your job to achieve this. There are those who are happy in their work and love what they do, and if that’s you, I salute you.

    For those yet to find that, don’t panic. Think about what you’re good at, what makes you tick, and what you enjoy the most and begin to bring those changes into your life.

    We can all feel trapped in our day jobs, whether it be for the perks, the status, the career progression, or just the need to pay the bills. These are all forms of security, and it’s one of the reasons we spend so long in jobs we can’t bear.

    There is a natural fear of the unknown, a new job, having to retrain, the need to pay the bills.

    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Whether it’s updating your resume, meeting with recruitment agents, looking at home study courses, budgeting your finances, or sitting down and setting some goals, the key is to make a start.

    Taking a risk into the unknown is scary but also liberating. We are motivated and excited by change, but at the same time it can send us running back to the things we know. It’s all too easy to find excuses to put off making a change and stay where it feels safe.

    We perceive security in our pay checks and the things familiar to us, even if they don’t make us happy, but as Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”

    I did this for years. Every time I was forced into a change of job I would tell people, “I might try something different this time and do something I really enjoy,” but the call of the familiar pulled me back to the corporate world (not to mention the money I needed to pay the rent and the fact that I wasn’t qualified to do anything else).

    I used to spend my days looking forward to long weekends and vacations. Now I have a life I feel I don’t need to vacate from.

    When I left the corporate world I spent my new found freedom learning to be a yoga teacher, living in Ashrams, and undertaking meditation retreats. I can now put that knowledge and my passion into what I do every day.

    I feel like I help and inspire people, although it’s not all butterflies and rainbows; I earn less, have to get up earlier, and sometimes I don’t know when or where the next job is coming from. But my work is part of my life now rather than an inconvenient interruption to it.

    It keeps me fit and healthy, I get to travel and meet like minded people, and for the first time I feel there’s a purpose and reason to what I do, and it’s a wholesome one.

    I firmly believe in the mantra “Do what you love and love what you do and you will be successful.” I always wanted a job you could turn up for in yoga pants and a hoodie and the best of all, you don’t have to wear shoes!

    Happy man image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Mistakes To Avoid When Chasing Your Dream

    10 Mistakes To Avoid When Chasing Your Dream

    Boy Reaching for Stars

    “We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming—well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” ~Amy Tan

    Pursuing dreams…

    How you wish it were a smooth ride. Right?

    The twists and curves you’ve encountered may have left you full of negative thoughts and doubting your ability to succeed.

    In fact, you may be accepting your situation as fate and settling for defeat.

    But don’t give up yet!

    To keep your dreams alive, you must avoid making certain mistakes. You must realize that you’re the pilot, and you can take charge of your dreams and fly to places you’ve never been.

    My Dream

    After five years of spinning my wheels teaching in Kenya and dealing with mandated curriculums that didn’t make sense, I decided to do something bold.

    I packed my suitcase and moved to Botswana in pursuit of my dream—starting my own business. A friend living there had told me Botswana was the best place to live in Africa because the people were friendly, the economy was rich, and it was less populated.

    Was I scared? Sure.

    Did I care? Nope.

    I envisioned a successful life, being my own boss, and living the dream.

    Who wouldn’t want that?

    Sometimes moving is the best therapy for a new beginning.

    I lived with a host family for three months while applying for a business permit.

    A little after three months, my time was up. I had to cut the cord with the host family and move out. The business permit processing took a little longer than anticipated.

    With no money coming in life got hard. I hit rock bottom. I was broke and broken.

    I ate caterpillars to survive.

    I had no money, and my savings had run out.

    I had no place to live.

    I had no family around.

    But I refused to give up. I refused to lose hope. I refused to let the feeling of despair ruin me. I refused to let the pain inside win the battle. A voice inside kept on saying I would make it.

    One day, I was taking a stroll when I saw a swimming pool that was not being used; a private members club owned it.

    So I asked the manager if I could use the pool. (Remember, I didn’t have any money). I figured if I could learn to swim, I could turn around and offer swimming lessons for a living.

    He agreed that I could use the pool if I paid the club a percentage of my earnings.

    I lived on the good will of friends who loaned me money to pay for the club membership. A friend offered me free swimming lessons, which took a little over four months. I then became a swimming teacher and my clients were club members, adults, and kids.

    Nothing lasts forever, even the harsh life I’d known all so well. Finally, I was living the dream I had left teaching to pursue—coaching on my own terms.

    Through my experience, I’ve learned some huge mistakes to avoid when chasing your dream.

     1. Letting discouragement overwhelm you.

    Take the risk. Are you going to be scared? Oh, yes, you’ll be petrified. Remember, it’s not going to be a straight path. Take mini steps and be consistent with your work.

    Even if you don’t reach the goal you’ve set, you’ll learn, grow, and perhaps even find new opportunities through the process of stretching yourself.

    Believe in yourself and the possibility of your dreams coming true, without letting discouragement rob you of the faith you have in yourself.

    For me, instead of letting the work permit delay and lack of money discourage me, I opted to change the course of my dream.

    2. Denying your current situation.

    If your current situation is not ideal, don’t live in denial. If you do, you won’t be able to deal with the obstacles you’re currently facing. Doing nothing won’t change your situation or bring you any closer to your dreams. Before long, you will hit the wall and crash, and possibly fall into a depression.

    Instead, accept the situation you’re in and then work toward changing it. You have more power than you realize. Trust and believe in yourself. However small the change happens, be grateful.

    3. Dwelling on the past.

    Holding on to a painful past will fill you with doubts when you’re trying to pursue your dreams. You won’t be able to handle obstacles that arise and you’ll spend your energy on worries and regrets.

    You’ll be afraid to make decisions because of past experiences. You’ll hold yourself back from claiming opportunities when they arise.

    So, let the past be gone but cling to the good memories, and when things are rocky look at the past and smile. Let the bad be a learning experience, let learning produce growth, and let growth bring you closer to your goal.

    4. Procrastinating.

    It can be deadly.

    I procrastinated the first three months I moved to Botswana. I wasted time and money on vacation, clothes, etc.

    Time wasted cannot be recovered. It’s just like a river; once you touch the water flowing past you, it will never flow back toward you again. Do what you’re supposed to do, when it’s supposed to be done.

    5. Neglecting your body.

    Don’t ever forget to take care of your body. Treat it like a temple. If you don’t, you will get sick, mentally and physically, and this will prevent you from working toward your goal.

    However hard you’re working take time off to exercise, and don’t forget to eat healthy foods. (Don’t starve yourself. Eat what’s edible; it won’t kill you.)

    Don’t forget to pray. It’ll nourish your soul and give you inner peace.

    When I hit rock bottom I walked two miles or more every day, and by the time I got back home I was refreshed.

    6. Waiting for help to chase you.

    Knock on doors.

    Will doors be shut on you? Sure, more than you can count.

    Sometimes we ask for help anticipating getting our way. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

    I didn’t wait for friends to find me; I went out and became a friend. From that friendship, I was able to join the club, find a place to live, and teach swimming lessons.

    If doors close, go in through the window.

    If that means changing the course of your plan, please do so; change will not mean losing your dream.

    7. Taking it personally when people judge you.

    They will judge you by how you look, what you eat, and how you live. When people judge, it has more to do with their own fears and insecurities than you

    Turn a deaf ear to these judgments. Feel proud of the journey you’re taking.

    8. Dwelling on the negative.

    It’s impossible to only focus on the positive, but dwelling on the negative all the time is like a bomb waiting to explode. Your thoughts will hold you hostage from making progress and your mind will be filled with doubt.

    Allow yourself to feel the negative. Cry if you have to, but don’t let it take over you.

    Releasing your negative feelings will leave you at peace and you will be able to focus on the positive even in tough times.

    A positive attitude will help you decide the best strategy for achieving your goals.

    9. Comparing yourself to others.

    Comparison leads to jealousy and envy. It can kill friendships if not tamed.

    Celebrate the success of others instead of being jealous. Let them know you admire them.

    Turn the focus on what you have instead of what you don’t have and be grateful for it.

    10. Trying to get approval for your dream.

    Your dream is a vehicle, and you’re the driver. Don’t let the passengers map the road for you.

    Stop trying to win over the people who don’t believe in you and criticize you.

    Only seek help from those who support your mission and encourage you, because they will cheer you on along the way.

    Hold fast to your dream.

    Gear up to fight the storms.

    Keep that banner shining.

    Never give up, and never give in.

    Stand up and face the fear, baby!

    Your dream is counting on you.

    Do you believe you can pursue it?

    Boy reaching for stars image via Shutterstock

  • How To Wake Up Feeling Confident, Relaxed, And Productive

    How To Wake Up Feeling Confident, Relaxed, And Productive

    Woman in Bed

    “Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.” ~Glen Cook

    Beep! Beep! Beep!

    Time’s up.

    You’ve got twenty minutes to shower, get dressed, eat, and get to work.

    Screw it—skip the shower today. And you can wait till lunch to eat.

    Go! Go! Go!

    We all know the feeling. These mornings suck.

    From the moment you wake up you’re in a constant rush to get ready for work and out the door on time.

    By the time you arrive you’re stuck in a frenzied state of mind, never able to settle into the day.

    And if there’s traffic, forget it. Between knuckle-headed drivers, hitting every red light, and showing up late looking like a wreck, your entire day is ruined before you’ve even clocked in.

    The question is, why do we do this to ourselves?

    We sleep in as late as possible and jump out of bed, desperate to get ready quickly so we won’t look like Cinderella riding home in a pumpkin because she couldn’t manage her time.

    The good news is you don’t need a fairy godmother or glass slippers to have a more productive, relaxing morning and get to work on time.

    You only need two things: the mindset to make it happen and a simple strategy to set yourself up for success.

    Only you can control the first. Going from someone who could never get out of bed on time to an early bird who wakes up at 5:30 seven days a week, I know all about the second.

    These are the steps that contribute to what I call my perfect morning.

    1. Add two, subtract two.

    The biggest reason your mornings are rushed and unproductive is because you don’t give yourself enough time.

    With the exception of true night owls, most occupy themselves late at night doing the unimportant, like watching TV, surfing the web, and overeating.

    For many, it’s easier to get things done in the morning because there are fewer distractions.

    The solution: Go to bed two hours earlier and wake up two hours earlier.

    If you can’t make the switch that easily, wake up fifteen minutes earlier every few days and build on that until you’ve reach two hours.

    Instead of staying up late staring at a screen, do yourself a favor and get some sleep so tomorrow you’re relaxed and ready for the day.

    2. Put your phone/alarm across the room.

    There are two problems with keeping your phone within reach while you sleep.

    First, you’re prone to check it. Science has shown screen time at night tricks our brains into thinking it’s daytime, which decreases levels of melatonin (the sleep chemical), making it harder to fall asleep.

    Second, the dreaded snooze button. When you fragment sleep by snoozing, you wake up feeling more tired than you did in the first place.

    Putting your phone across the room eliminates both issues. You’ll fall asleep faster without distractions and set yourself up for success in the morning, so you wake up and stay up.

    3. Gratitude first.

    Have you ever noticed after a rough morning it seems your whole day goes that way?

    You stub your toe first thing out of bed and then get stuck in a negative mindset you can’t escape.

    The best technique I use to prevent this is to say “thank you” as soon as I open my eyes.

    Doing this puts myself in position to notice the good in my life rather than let the bad things affect me.

    Start your morning with a positive attitude and put yourself on the path to a great day.

    4. Start with enjoyment.

    Some people thrive on rolling out of bed to bust out 100 pushups to start their day.

    For most people, this doesn’t work.

    Our body needs a chance to wake up. You’re still in a dream state anywhere from five to thirty minutes after waking.

    I like to do something that relaxes me into the day, like having tea while I read.

    Instead of rushing, a calm awakening helps transition your mind while your body adjusts, setting the rest of your day up for success.

    5. Avoid all news/media.

    This habit is hard for some to break. They feel it’s irresponsible to not stay informed about what’s happening in the world.

    But the news is downright depressing. It’s difficult to have a positive mindset when you start the day hearing about all the terrible things going on in the world.

    Yes, it’s good to stay informed, but not at the expense of your own well-being.

    Do yourself a favor and avoid all negative media in the morning. If you have to watch the news, wait until you get home from work.

    In terms of happier mornings, it’s the best decision you’ll ever make.

    6. Fuel your body.

    Our bodies are like cars. With the tank full, a car will save gas and run longer.

    After a night of sleep your body hasn’t had any fuel for hours.

    Drinking lots of water and eating high energy foods like berries or oatmeal helps wake up your internal organs to give you the energy you need for the day.

    Your body will tell you what it wants if you’re willing to listen. Work with your body rather than against it and your body will return the favor.

    7. Complete your most important task first.

    Dan Ariely, a leader in the field of time management, suggests our highest quality hours of production are the first two hours after waking.

    The problem is that most waste their most productive hours doing tedious tasks like checking email or frantically rushing to get ready.

    This concept changed my life. Instead of lying around doing nothing, I now spend the majority of my morning getting my #1 task of the day done.

    The best part is even if everything else goes wrong, you can rest assured knowing you still completed priority number one.

    8. Pick out clothes the night before.

    Tim Ferriss, author of The Four Hour Work Week, explains we only have a certain amount of willpower for making decisions each day before reaching “decision fatigue.”

    He says, “We have a finite amount of mental resources. The more decisions you rack up in one area, the fewer you can use on another.”

    By avoiding simple decisions in the morning, by picking clothes the night before and planning breakfast ahead, you’ll be more confident in making the bigger decisions that actually matter.

    9. Leave for work twenty minutes early.

    Best-case scenario: you show up early, your boss is impressed, and you’re able to relax into the day.

    By leaving early, you don’t have to worry about getting stuck in traffic. You can enjoy the ride and appreciate having a means of transportation to get to work.

    If you work from home, give yourself extra time to get into work mode. You’re still a professional; don’t wait until last second to rush into phone calls and sales meetings.

    Don’t ruin a perfectly good morning by waiting until last second to rush to work.

    Leave early, get there early, and observe how much better your day is without any needless rushing.

    Start Now

    You don’t need to be a morning person to take advantage of time before work and prepare yourself for the day ahead.

    Having a more productive, confident, and relaxing morning is about putting yourself in position to succeed.

    By making small changes like picking out my clothes before bed, leaving my phone across the room, and waking up earlier, I’ve created a habit of productive mornings with time still left over for watching the sunrise every day.

    With a little willpower and a few changes, you can turn the morning hours into the most enjoyable and productive part of your day.

    Woman relaxing in bed image via Shutterstock

  • Dealing with Anger Storms Without Causing Destruction

    Dealing with Anger Storms Without Causing Destruction

    Angry Thundercloud

    “Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    There is an elderly lady—I’ll call her Ms. A—living in my mum’s village. She regularly shouts at people as they pass by her house walking their dogs.

    She can be quite intimidating really. She even followed my mother up the road on one occasion, much to Mum’s alarm. My mum, unlike me, now avoids walking past her house, even though it’s a good route for her to take when walking her dog.

    Ms. A has also shouted at me and called me names on a number of occasions. The thing is, I know Ms. A has mental health issues, and I have remarked to my mum how much she must be suffering, poor lady, and needs our understanding rather than our condemnation.

    But on this particular day, all my good thoughts and intentions went right out the window.

    I’m embarrassed to say that when she came over to shout at me, instead of walking by like I usually do, I went right up to her and shouted angrily back.

    I became the intimidator then, telling her, in no uncertain terms, that she really must leave my mum alone and also stop shouting at me and calling me rude names when I walk by on the public road. I said I would report her for harassment if she didn’t stop.

    She shouted back at me, of course. She also looked rather alarmed.

    After I finished my rant, I resumed my walk, shaking. I felt absolutely rotten—guilty, ashamed, sad, and embarrassed. I was horrified at my reaction.

    It was an uncomfortable walk home to my mum’s that day. I knew I hadn’t helped the situation at all. So much for my understanding and compassion!

    So what went wrong? When I looked within, I realized I’d approached the house thinking a number of unhelpful thoughts due to my desire to protect my mum and my perception of being wronged. Some of my thoughts included:

    How dare this woman intimidate my mum?! I really should put her in her place and stop her from doing it again. And how dare she say those rude things to me?!

    It’s a public road; I’m doing nothing wrong by walking here. She’s the one in the wrong, not me, so I have the moral high ground! Yes, I’ll sort this situation out once and for all—I’ll tell her!

    All these stormy thoughts were racing around my head as I neared her house. Looking back, I also realize how much I always dreaded walking by there. I didn’t like getting shouted at, but I didn’t want to change my route either, as that seemed unfair.

    All this was a heady mix of thoughts and emotions, and more than enough to initiate a storm.

    By the time I reached her house, where she was standing, seemingly waiting for me, the storm hit, and I was lost to it.

    It certainly wasn’t my finest hour, but I learned a lot about myself in the subsequent analysis of the whole sorry incident.

    I realized that my reaction had come from a place of darkness, a place where my own distress lurked, and that shining a light on it would help to illuminate a much better way to respond in the future.

    I also realized that it had been a premeditated outburst, in the sense that my thoughts had helped whip it up. I saw too that I had gotten it all wrong: my thinking and perceptions were faulty. Ms. A was limited in her ability to control herself, due to her mental illness, and she really wasn’t a threat to either my mum or to me.

    I could also see and understand why this storm had arisen and what was at the root of it. This led to me feel more compassion for myself, which in turn helped me to face, and also own up to, my angry outburst.

    I once wrote about a tree I had walked by in the forest. It was crowded by other trees, and it had curved its way around them to reach up to the available sky. I realized that this curved tree hadn’t gotten caught up in how unfair the situation was; it had just gotten on with things and found the light it needed.

    This nature lesson advises us to ‘curve around’ more when a situation calls for it.

    By this I mean refusing to get caught up in a “that’s not fair!” mentality or get worked up over things that are of little consequence in the big scheme of things. This isn’t a helpful way to live our lives: it causes a lot of unnecessary stress.

    I’m not saying that we should just roll over or back down all the time; rather that it would be much better for us to not rush into situations without thinking things through carefully and dispassionately beforehand. I’m all for being (calmly) assertive when it’s required.

    It’s about looking at the bigger picture and taking a more balanced and less inflexible approach to life.

    Thinking about Mother Nature and anger storms, another lesson occurs to me: nature doesn’t take revenge.

    Even though we can sometimes think that nature must be angry with us and is hitting back at us with devastating storms, floods, and hurricanes, in reality it is just in the process of bringing balance back to the planet.

    Please note, I am not denying the immense human and animal suffering such events cause. My point is that nature bears no dark ulterior motive—it isn’t taking its revenge on us.

    Nature doesn’t think to itself that we need bringing down a peg or two; that we are getting out of hand and need to be punished. It isn’t reacting from a place of aggression. It just does what it needs to do to survive the best way it can. These storms are not sent as a personal attack on us.

    And that’s the problem with our own angry reactions; they often come about because we take things so personally.

    We can feel that we are personally under attack in some way and then go on the attack ourselves. Tit for tat. Not a good idea, as things escalate—they always do!

    If we can learn to step back and realize that someone’s anger has everything to do with their own suffering, rather than with us, we may be able to take things less personally and not feel the need for revenge.

    We may (or may not) need to take some action, but if we do, we can do it from a place of non-aggression, like Mother Nature. We can also do it from a place of clarity and calm. For this, we need to stop, focus on our breath, and let the storm clouds pass.

    I learned a lot about myself that day, stuff I didn’t really want to own up to. But I did, and I’m grateful for the lessons.

    Next time I will be more mindful of my thoughts and not let them whip up an unnecessary storm. And if storm clouds start to rise up, I’ll focus on my breath and walk on by. I’ll look at what’s happening inside me and remember, too, to take on board the other person’s distress.

    I’ll also take a leaf out of nature’s book on responding to stressful situations: I’ll curve around when I think it’s the best approach and try not take things so personally.

    Angry thundercloud image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Should All Stop Trying to Be Good Enough

    Why We Should All Stop Trying to Be Good Enough

    Man Sitting Under Tree

    “Only something as insane as human beings would ever asked themselves if ‘I’m good.’ You don’t find oak trees having existential crisis. ‘I feel so rotten about myself. I don’t produce as much acorns as the one next to me.’” ~Adyashanti

    The feeling of not being good enough is widespread among the population regardless of age or social status. Even people who, from society’s standards, are highly successful may very well feel they are not good enough and that something is missing.

    For most of my life, I suffered from that feeling of not being good enough.

    When I joined a master’s degree program a year and half ago, I was shocked to see how smart some students in my class were. I was surrounded by people who had more work experience than me and were way more confident than I was.

    Sometimes I felt stupid in their presence. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find a way to contribute in class. Never befor had I felt such a deep sense of not being good enough.

    Achieving, learning, or experiencing more never seemed enough to fix my issue. I started to seriously question whether anything I would accomplish could ever help me feel “good enough.”

    I perfectly understood that there would always be people around me that are more confident, more attractive, smarter, richer, or more knowledgeable than I am, but this still didn’t make me feel better.

    Since I always felt that my duty was to contribute to society, feeling that I couldn’t contribute as much as I would like to made it difficult for me to maintain a healthy self-esteem.

    When it comes to self-worth, experts generally recommend using positive affirmations, learning to be more self-compassionate, or achieving small goals to create momentum and build confidence.

    These techniques are certainly good ways to build self-esteem, and I used them personally with some success. However, it’s likely that they might be missing the point.

    Rather than “How can I feel good enough?” wouldn’t a better question be: “Do I need to feel good enough?” or “Is it actually possible not to be good enough?”

    Most people spend their life trying to be good enough, to be liked and appreciated, often without actually succeeding to fill a void within themselves. It’s insane to see how everyone tries so hard to be “somebody.”

    I started wondering if, during all that time I spent trying to be good enough, I wasn’t actually fighting the wrong battle.

    Our society conditions people to tie up their self-worth to how much they “contribute,” and that supposed “contribution” often refers to the amount of money we earn or our social status. Society creates an artificial duality between “successful” people and others.

    Nowadays, the idea of success is a constant obsession. Media and personal development websites are continually talking about what more can be done to become more successful. Success has become the Holy Grail to pursue, the only path to living a life worth living and earning recognition from society.

    However, I could easily come up with names of people that are regarded as “successful” from society’s standards, but are not from an objective point of view.

    Interestingly, the definition of success is rarely explained. It seems as if we have all agreed with society’s definition. There appears to be very little space to question it; however, could the assumption under which we operate our life actually be false?

    To be honest, this whole idea of good enough or not good enough is nonsense. I’m sure the doctor didn’t tell your parents when you were born that, “I’m sorry, but your son won’t be good enough.”

    The entire paradigm of “good enough or not good enough” comes from the misconception that we need to become “somebody” and that other people have the power to determine our self-worth.

    It is a mere product of social conditioning, not of reality, and it certainly doesn’t have to be that way!

    Depending on your belief or reasoning, you could spend your entire life just meditating under a tree, doing absolutely nothing, and you would still be totally relevant as a human being.

    So why don’t we get rid of that concept once and for all, discard it as irrelevant, and rebuild our life on a healthier assumption?

    Being a total “failure” under society’s standards can never ever make you a failure as a human being. Nothing can turn you into a not-good-enough person without your consent, without you buying into the current fallacious assumption that society is telling you to live under.

    Sure, you might have failed at many of the things you’ve tried and some of your friends might be more “successful” than you are, but then, does that mean you are not good enough? Does that really mean you are not worthy?

    If you buy into society’s expectations, yes, probably. If you don’t, the question then cannot be answered, because it’s irrelevant!

    A tree doesn’t have self-esteem issues. A bird doesn’t ask itself, “Am I good enough?” Why should you?

    Are your attempts to become somebody actually working? If not, it might be time for you to stop trying to be “somebody” and just relax.

    Imagine the sense of freedom that you would experience if you were to stop trying to be “good enough.” Suddenly, the burden you’ve being carrying on your shoulders would become lighter.

    You could then enjoy your time with others without trying to impress them. You’d be able to free up your energy for more creative purposes. Suddenly, you could just be yourself.

    The greatest and wisest spiritual teachers of all time stopped trying to be somebody because they realized that it was not possible. If after all those years of inquiry and self-reflection they came to that conclusion, is it possible that they were on to something?

    So do you really need to be good enough? Are you fighting the right battle? This is something you might want to meditate on. It might require some time before you can change your former conception, but isn’t it worth trying?

    Personally, I chose to fight less and to progressively distance myself from the battlefield. I’m not “not good enough” or “good enough.” I am just who I am and that’s more than enough!

    Man sitting under tree image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Life-Changing Lessons You’re Never Too Old to Learn

    5 Life-Changing Lessons You’re Never Too Old to Learn

    Older Hikers

    “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” ~Confucius

    My son was only a year and a half old when I left his father and began my journey as a single parent. I never in a million years thought I would be raising my child alone. But away I went, with no clue as to what I was doing. I figured I’d learn as I went.

    I knew I wasn’t going to be one of those moms that are too strict, too overbearing, and too controlling. I wanted my child to grow up with some freedom, some direction, but most importantly, some values.

    It was imperative that he treated everyone equally, including people begging on the street for change, and that he not be afraid to try new things.

    I have always had a “throw caution to the wind” kind of attitude (with a touch of fear), and as my son got older, I realized he was adopting it. Yes! Success!

    I wanted him to experience the good, the bad, and the ugly, and to learn from them. I wanted him to live and let live.

    As he grew into his teen and young adult years, I started getting a little more concerned. He was taking too many chances and doing things that scared me.

    Like that time he went to Florida with a group of friends and decided he wanted to go somewhere without them. Off he went, alone, hitchhiking. Yes, Mom was horrified.

    Then there was the time he and a friend drove to Boston to attend a music festival, got lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and ended up in some tiny village that probably would have been a good setting for a Stephen King movie. Yup, horrified again.

    “Mom, relax,” he would tell me, followed by “Wasn’t it you that told me to try new things?” Darn. It was me. The trouble was, he actually listened. I didn’t really mean it. Did I?

    I sometimes worked two jobs to make ends meet. Julian saw, appreciated, and totally respected that.

    He never wanted for anything, but he also never took it for granted. Unfortunately, he grew up in somewhat of a poor household. We struggled, but we were happy. Anything I couldn’t give him, he was fortunate enough to get from his grandparents.

    Once he was on his own, he worked hard, made lots of money, and hoarded it because he was scared of being poor again. He held on to it for dear life and wouldn’t let go.

    Until something happened.

    He got let go from his job and ironically enough, he couldn’t have cared less. Armed with more savings than a twenty-six year old should legally have, away he went on his worldly adventures. My anxiety kicked into overdrive.

    Over the last two years, Julian has lived the life most people only dream of. Along the way, he’s taught me a few invaluable lessons. I hope they enlighten you as they did me.

    1. Stuff is just stuff.

    This one was an eye opener for me. The things we hold onto, the things we buy, what’s it all for? I need a bigger TV. I think I need more clothes. I definitely have to have that chair. So much stuff. Do we really need it?

    In the event you ever decide to pack up and run away, what are you gonna do with all that stuff?

    I’ve downsized, and I’m ready to bolt at a moment’s notice, because Julian showed me that the less you have, the happier you will be.

    When he packed up his backpack to travel through Asia, he didn’t have to stress about what to do with his things because he had so little. He’s only ever had the bare necessities, and he’s always been happy.

    The simpler I live, the less stuff I have, the easier life is. I can honestly say I truly have everything I need. He’s right. Stuff is just stuff.

    2. People are people no matter where you go.

    How often do you wonder if the people in the Bahamas have a better life, or if the people in New York are more stressed, or maybe the people in Los Angeles really are richer? Who cares?

    As Julian learned in his travels, no matter where you go, everyone has the same problems. Work, life, kids, bills, sickness, poverty.

    We’re all people and we all have stories. We are all on this planet with the same goals. We all live, breathe, laugh, play, cry, and die. Be kind to each other. Treat everyone the same—with respect and compassion—no matter where you are. We are all in this together.

    3. The world is big and beautiful. Go see it.

    Julian posts the most amazing photos on Facebook and Instagram, and I look at them in awe. I can’t believe my son has seen these absolutely breathtaking places.

    His message to me is always the same: “Get out of that dump of a town you live in and go see places!”

    Not everyone has a huge savings to use for travels around the world, and many of us can’t up and leave our lives for years, but we can venture out beyond the world we know, whether that means visiting a new city, a new state, or a new country.

    As Julian says, if you want it bad enough, you’ll figure out a way to do it. He’s right. And I will.

    4. Things don’t need to be so complicated.

    I’m guilty of making mountains out of molehills. Things that really annoy me, anger me, scare me, and just freak me out usually end up being easily managed anyway. Things are rarely as bad as we make them out to be.

    Julian always tells me, “Relax, Mom. Just relax. Life is awesome.”

    I know it’s easy to say this when you’re young, not tied to anything, and you’re having the time of your life. But life truly is a lot easier and more enjoyable when you relax, keep your eye on the big picture, and focus on the good things instead of stressing out about everything that seems bad.

    5. Life is short. Be brave and take chances.

    Get out of your box and go do things. Many things. Adventurous things, scary things, fun things, not so fun things (because you won’t know that they aren’t fun until you try them).

    Seriously, get out of your comfort zone. There is a plethora of adventures awaiting you. Julian tackled deep sea diving and said it was the most beautiful thing he has ever done. That’s what I’m talking about.

    —

    At fifty-two years young I am now taking the advice of a twenty-seven year old. I’m more relaxed, I’m planning adventures, I’m finding ways where before there was just excuses, I’m minimalizing, and I have a new love for life.

    Deep sea diving? Maybe not, but I’m not opposed to zip lining.

    Seniors hiking image via Shutterstock

  • Love Is the Absence of Judgment

    Love Is the Absence of Judgment

    Love is the Absence of Judgment

  • Dealing with Verbal Attacks: 6 Ways to Take the Sting Out of an Insult

    Dealing with Verbal Attacks: 6 Ways to Take the Sting Out of an Insult

    Man Yelling

    “Pain can change you, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad change. Take that pain and turn it into wisdom.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes other people’s words can stir up very painful emotions in us.

    Do you remember when you felt so disempowered by someone’s remarks that you froze on the spot and couldn’t think of anything to say back to them?

    Or maybe you did say something, but it was so lame that you wished afterward you’d kept your mouth shut and just sucked it all up.

    This happened to me recently when I was helping someone and, instead of gratitude, I received verbal abuse. I learned a valuable lesson from it that I would like to share with you.

    When Words Make You Speechless

    As part of my job, I provided home care for an elderly lady, and from day one I had a feeling we would clash.

    She was eccentric, quick to judge, and unafraid about voicing her opinions. Being a timid person, I always tried to avoid conflicts with such people.

    One seemingly unremarkable day, as I was finishing my duties at her house, I began to engage in small talk with her. I was stunned when she replied out of the blue, “You are so stupid! Your whole being, and the way you are!”

    Within a split second I was swimming in negative emotions, so shocked that I literally froze in my tracks. I stood there in disbelief, unable to say a single word, wrapped in embarrassment and shame.

    Then came the internal chatter. “How could she be so insensitive? Does she realize how hurt I feel? I should say something back, but I just can’t think what.”

    From deep pain to personal empowerment

    I walked away that day vowing never to feel so weakened by someone’s statements again.

    I went over this episode in my mind, looking for answers. Within a few weeks, I no longer felt hurt. Instead, I had developed a new perspective—I needed this experience to resolve something within myself.

    I have had similar incidents since then, and my reaction is now completely different. I’m freer and stronger.

    You can be, too.

    It can take a while, but determination and conscious effort will bring you the gift of a new perspective, just as it did for me.

    Taking the Sting out of Insulting Words

    Being verbally abused hurts. It’s perfectly natural to react defensively—but once the initial shock has worn off, here are six ways you can turn your reaction into something positive.

    1. Allow yourself to ruminate in a healthy way.

    It’s normal to replay upsetting events in your mind to get a handle on them. Done right, introspection is a valuable device for personal growth and empowerment.

    Thoughts and images from a hurtful episode will pop up time and again as long as it still bothers you. So instead of suppressing them, allow them to surface. Observe them—but without obsessing and getting stuck in a mental loop.

    Then, each time memories of the event surface, ask yourself if you are ready to let go of the shame that accompanies them. Think of this process as using an eraser; every time you rub away, the pain will start to fade and soon only a faint mark will remain.

    2. Identify the other person’s (possible) motive.

    In situations like this, convincing yourself you’ve done something wrong can be an automatic reaction.

    Although you’ll never know for sure why someone gains pleasure from dishing out verbal abuse, you can make some educated guesses. Unless the person is a total stranger, you’ll have some understanding about them and you can figure out if they are intentionally malicious or just thoughtless and not worth wasting your energy on.

    But don’t just rely on your own intuition—get a second opinion. Be a detective and quiz mutual acquaintances. They’ll likely share similar stories, and might even add insights that will help relieve more of your emotional burden. (This is not gossip—it’s for your own peace of mind.)

    When I spoke to friends about my experience, I heard nearly identical tales of how this woman had bullied and intimidated others. I knew that bullies are usually suffering themselves, so these stories confirmed to me that she had acted from a state of pain herself, meaning that her words were not true reflections of me.

     3. Turn the spotlight inward.

    To better prepare yourself for the next time you are insulted, spend a little time reflecting on why you are so affected by the words of others in the first place. What beliefs do you hold that contribute to your reactions?

    Think about how, in the heat of the moment, you are so swallowed up by emotions that you can’t think clearly. What creates this storm inside you?

    For me this answer took a while, but I now think it was about pride—I felt my identity was under threat. I was attached to the idea that everyone should treat me kindly, so my world was shattered when someone didn’t.

    Upon reflection, I figured I’d do myself a favor if I didn’t expect to be liked by everybody and instead embraced the possibility that conflicts might occur.

    What beliefs do you hold that might be counterproductive to your emotional wellbeing?

    4. Know what words really are.

    Another thing I learned on this journey was that words by themselves are not harmful. It’s the meanings they carry that make them powerful.

    Imagine having a conversation with someone who speaks a different language than you. Nothing the other person says to you makes sense. You look at them blankly, trying to piece some meaning together out of the jumble of sounds you hear. It wouldn’t matter if they were cursing or flirting—you wouldn’t know the difference.

    So why is it that once you are aware of what these words mean, they have the potential to hurt? At some point you learned to associate words with meanings, but in reality they are just sounds. It’s up to you what you make of them.

    5. Own your vulnerability.

    Open your heart to the possibility of being wounded by others’ words. Life is never a smooth ride, and sometimes other people will hurt you with what they say. They may even render you silent when you’d rather stand up for yourself.

    Remember that a small bump in the road doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you have to hide. Accept that you sometimes won’t have the courage to act, but you can change over time.

    The key, I’ve found, is slowly opening up. Share your true self with others. The more you admit your ”imperfections,” the more others will respect and accept you. Talking things over with friends, family, or even someone neutral makes you more human and relatable.

    As researcher, author, and speaker Brené Brown has said, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” Therefore, to prove your shame wrong, go out there and talk about it. After a while it will diminish and go away.

    6. Resolve to speak up next time.

    All this insight can help you deal with past insults, but what about the next time someone verbally attacks you? After all your reflection and internalizing the importance of bravery, will you be ready to stand up for yourself and fight back?

    Sure enough, I didn’t have to wait too long for another round of insults by someone else. She was big, bold, and brash.

    This time the stakes were higher—we were in the company of other people whom I knew and respected. And this woman didn’t just aim a word or sentence at me; it was an entire barrage of accusations intended to undermine my persona.

    I waited until we were in private. Then I said my piece with real force and emphasis. The end result? She never treated me like that again. And I grew enormously in my own eyes.

    You can do this, too.

    Reclaim Your Inborn Power

    We were all born with a perfect system to take on life’s challenges, be that running away from a tiger or standing up for ourselves.

    If you believe you’ve lost the ability to stand firm in the face of insults, it’s never too late to get it back.

    You’re perfect as you are now, warts, vulnerabilities, and all.

    So don’t let a little wobble like someone’s words throw you off track. Take it in stride and remember they are just sounds that you are giving certain meanings to.

    Because insulting words don’t just have the potential for hurt. They also have immense power to change your life for the better.

    The question is, are you ready to use the verbal attacks of others as fuel for personal growth?

    I was a timid person and I did it—so I know you can, too.

    Man yelling image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Lessons from a Dog on Overcoming Life’s Hardest Challenges

    5 Lessons from a Dog on Overcoming Life’s Hardest Challenges

    Golden Retriever

    “A challenge only becomes an obstacle when you bow to it.” ~Ray Davis

    I remember very clearly the first moment I saw our dog, Carmichael, or Carmy, as we called her for short.

    One tiny pup in a litter of eight Golden Retrievers, it was love at first sight, and I knew she was “the one.” As the years progressed, she became my best friend, confidante, and companion. We were inseparable.

    Opening the front door when returning from school, she would be there waiting, wagging her tail, with the biggest grin on her face.

    She would patiently wait for me to finish my homework, and then we would head out for her turn to play. At night I even wanted her to sleep in my bed; however, Carmy had other ideas and liked sleeping on the floor. It was clear for all to see that we had a bond that could never be broken.

    Our lives together were filled with fun, frolic, and sharing; and as I grew older, so did she.

    As she entered her early senior years, she began to develop hip problems and started to go blind. But devastating as this may have been to us humans, Carmy handled it with grace and love.

    She refused to let the situation bother her, and instead, always insisted on living each moment to the fullest, residing completely in the here and now, with me.

    We enjoyed thirteen precious years together. Through it all, Carmy was my hero and my champion. She overcame every obstacle thrown her way, and always met challenge with a big smile.

    5 Life Lessons Courtesy of Carmy

    1. Always find something to be happy about.

    As Carmy got older, we discovered that she had diabetes, which meant we had to give her two shots each day. However, she always showed determination to be positive.

    Instead of getting depressed after the painful jabs, she simply romped off, as only a Golden Retriever can, looking for food and living for the moment once more.

    Indeed, dinner was one of her favorite events of the day, and she was always the first at the table with an exalted expression of delight if she discovered a fallen crumb.

    When I lost my career and livelihood due to a series of self-inflicted crises, I became depressed and went through the grieving process. When I fell into those moments of feeling sorry for myself, I looked to Carmy as inspiration and tried to find something that brought me joy. In my case, it turned out to be cooking.

    My sister and I made a pact. We agreed to get together every weekend to rustle up a new dish. For those few fantastic hours, we would craft, create, slice, and dice. During those times I experienced complete happiness.

    I realized now how Carmy had felt and appreciated the sheer wonder of living completely in the moment.

    Whatever you’re going through, you can find something that will bring you joy. You just have to be open to it.

    2. Enjoy the ride.

    As you already know, diabetes required us to give Carmy two shots every day. Her partial blindness made it difficult for her to see, and toward the end of her life, her joints started to bother her. Yet you would never find Carmy worried about the future, or depressed about the loss of her youth or mobility.

    She just continued to reside firmly in the present, relishing every scratch of her ears. She thrived on wagging her tail whenever visitors arrived, and made it her purpose in life to be “master-cleaner,” licking every floor in the house!

    When I discovered that my dad had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, I thought my world would end.

    My mind was a flurry of “what ifs” and “whys.” During that time, I found great inspiration in thinking of Carmy. It reminded me to focus on what was in front of me—my dad. We had fourteen spectacular months together, and I am very grateful that I was with him during that time.

    It may seem like your world is ending, but you’re still here—and there are still things to appreciate and enjoy.

    3. Adapt to change.

    Carmy and I had always lived out lives inseparably, and as a result, she always used to travel with me in the car. However, when her joints made hopping into the car too painful, I found a portable step stool, which enabled her to clamber in carefully and gently.

    It was all that she needed. She continued to sit in the back, and I could see her usual grin from the rear view mirror.

    After my dad passed away, I knew my life would never be the same again. That painful period could have easily sent me into spiraling depression. However, the thought of Carmy and her incredible ability to adapt led me to understand that, although there’s not one day that I don’t miss my dad, my relationship with him did not have to stop.

    I learned to develop a new one, based on spirituality, and focused on carrying on his legacy. Carmy taught me that when we are patient, we can adapt to new life changes.

    4. Same routine, different methods.

    Even when Carmy was suffering badly with her illnesses, she tried to stick to her usual routines. She continued to go outside, though of course, couldn’t walk as far. On those walks, she still focused on sniffing the grass, examining the trees, and occasionally bringing her favorite stick inside.

    Her life was based on a specific regime, and she even took her naps around the same time. Carmy didn’t allow any of her challenges to overtake her life.

    It took me a long time to emerge from the violent storm of emotion that submerged me when my dad passed away. And again, remembering Carmy, I continued my routines until I began to appreciate how they offered me renewed stability and comfort while navigating my new reality.

    Your life may be changing, but you can create some consistency, and that can bring you great comfort.

    5. Live the moment, and make the most of it.

    You already know that Carmy was something of a foodie. Her favorite food was her weekend bagel.

    Every weekend, we would buy bagels; and every weekend, Carmy would seize hers, then rush out to the backyard to bury it. She would take the time to find the perfect spot to hide it, then proceed with her particular burying process.

    As she grew older, her beloved habit of romping off into the yard with her bagel also changed. Her age brought about something quite curious, because although she couldn’t run off and bury them, she did develop a new habit.

    She would take her bagels and bury them inside. I would discover bagels under rugs, in the trashcan, and even under the carpet.

    It was during the time that I had made bad decisions in my career that I felt myself on the brink of falling apart. Once again, I found myself looking at the lessons Carmy had taught me.

    When a friend suggested a job that I wasn’t really interested in, I decided to take it, in order to give me the chance to re-examine my life, focus on my passion, and figure out how I might contribute in the world.

    Be open to different possibilities. Trying new things just may enable you to make the best of your new reality.

    —

    Carmy, in her inimitable ways, provided a wonderful example of how I wanted to approach life. She taught me lessons about bravery and helped me understand how to overcome challenges. Those lessons will stay with me forever. I hope they’ll stick with you too.

    Golden retriever image via Shutterstock

  • You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

    You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

    “It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.” ~Unknown

    When we’re deep into something it’s hard to see clearly and to hear advice from others. It’s hard to focus on a solution when we are consumed with the problem.

    It’s the difference between playing and watching a game of chess. It’s so much easier to see checkmate when you’re not the one playing the game.

    That’s what happened to me for the last five years.

    I spent every breathing moment consumed with a man, unable to listen to those who watched me struggle. I spent five years doing everything I could to try to force a man to love me, and in the process I forgot how to love myself.

    For five years I chased. I begged. I cried. Nothing seemed to work. He would come around when he wanted sex but would push me away when he got his fix. It was a never-ending cycle of depression and humiliation.

    I destroyed my reputation and slaughtered my dignity with my crazy behavior, and I still couldn’t understand why he would treat me with such little care. But how could he not? I treated myself with so little love and respect, why would he treat me any different?

    Still, I couldn’t stop. I was afraid that if I did he would forget me. For five years I lived in fear of losing someone I deeply loved but never really had in the first place.

    And then I got pregnant, in the midst of the chaos and passion that was our on-and-off relationship.

    Everyone around me pressured me to have an abortion. I knew they were worried about me, but it just wasn’t for me. I don’t know if it was because I was carrying a child from a man I had loved for so long or if it was guilt, but I just knew I had to keep our son.

    And even though my ex’s only consistency in life was his pattern of not raising his children, I blindly believed he would raise our child. While everyone told me he was going to bail again, I vouched for him. I broke off friendships and I fought with those who dared to accuse his character.

    I was wrong.

    From the moment I told him, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to come through for me. He hurt me during the most vulnerable time in my life. Then months later he told me he loved me.

    We did this back and forth game throughout my entire pregnancy. It felt like an eternal emotional tug of war. It was draining. It was humiliating. It was hurtful. But every time he left I chased him because it was the only thing I knew how to do.

    I chased him out of fear.

    I chased him for me.

    I chased him for our son.

    I chased him for the home and family I had built in my mind for so many years.

    I chased him out of embarrassment for how others would see me. The possibility that people would think I wasn’t worthy enough for him after I got pregnant was more than I could handle.

    And most importantly: I chased him because I was emotionally sick.

    Although I was able to pull him in a couple more times after my son was born, only to be pushed away weeks later, I still held on to hope that one day he was going to wake up and realize he loved me. And the three of us would finally be a family.

    That never happened, of course. My son and I never got that family. And I now know we never will.

    I think the hardest part of this five-year ordeal was accepting that my perspective of reality was just a fantasy I had created in my mind.

    For the longest time I held on to this idea of love and my ex. I put him and our connection on a pedestal. I idolized and worshiped every part of him.

    But when he blocked me from his life, leaving our son fatherless, that pedestal came crashing down, smashing every dream and every good feeling I had for him.

    It was hard to walk up to my friends and say, “You were right.” It was even harder to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect.

    Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Instead, I spent years questioning over and over why he couldn’t.

    I spent another year trying to force him to be a dad.

    If only I had tried harder. If only I had been nicer. If only. If only. It took me years to accept that his actions had nothing to do with me. Just like my uncontrollable behavior and emotional instability was beyond him, his actions were about him and him only.

    He had his first two children in his early twenties. He then had his third child with another woman in his late twenties, and then he had our son in his mid thirties. Four children. Three different women. Three different sets of circumstances and times in his life. All the same result.

    It was never about my son and me. There is nothing I could have done. There is nothing I could have been. The result would’ve been the same: him out the door. Or more precisely, him kicking us out the door.

    He is now in love with someone else. As expected, a baby-free someone else. And he is committed to her—which proves that when a man wants to commit, he will commit. There is no need for us to beg and chase him.

    If a man is not committing to you, or your child, he just doesn’t love you.

    It might sound harsh, but that’s just the way life is.

    Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.

    We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. And we need to accept that some people will never love us, no matter what we do.

    The grief and the pain will eventually pass. And this will open the door for us to find someone else who will truly love us and give us everything we wanted with our ex.

    But first we have to give up hope. It will never be the way we want it to be. That person you’re waiting on won’t wake up one day and realize they loved you all along.

    Giving up hope is the hardest part of moving on, but it’s the most important.

    We can’t complain about someone hurting our feelings if we keep letting them. We can’t complain about someone mistreating us if we keep coming back. And we can’t complain about wasted time if we keep walking in circles.

    If I had spent the last five years putting the same amount of effort into myself as I did chasing, controlling, and trying to get my ex to love me, I would have been president of the United States by now.

    I will never get the last five years back. It was a lot of wasted time and it was a lot of wasted effort.

    Wasted time is wasted life.

  • How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It

    How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It

    “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung

    Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. So they try to present themselves in the best possible light for their imagined future partner—either as one perfect half of a whole or as an ideal version of what they believe their future partner will want.

    In my experience, finding your soul mate requires a different, far more soul-enriching approach. Here are six steps that worked for me:

    1. Stop looking for your soul mate and find the missing parts of you.

    This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.

    Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.

    What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed.

    2. Live your life as you want to live it.

    When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do.

    This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. But if you want to find fulfillment in your life, you have to fulfill yourself, not someone else!

    And doing what is right for you means you will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with your life path, and with you. So you will have a much better chance of meeting your soul mate, because your soul mate will also be connected to your life path.

    3. Stop trying to appeal to an imagined, potential partner.

    A side effect of leading the life you choose is that you automatically become more attractive. You become more real, authentic, substantial, valuable, passionate, happy, and present. This makes you more beautiful in a natural and effortless way, and it will also make you attractive to your soul mate.

    Whereas when you try to make yourself attractive in order to find someone, you alter the way you behave and present yourself so that if your soul mate were to show up, he or she might not even recognize you.

    So just be yourself, whether that means you dress in corporate attire or resort wear, or casual clothing or more formal, or if your preference changes at different times.

    You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.

    A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.

    You will be far more attractive to your soul mate if you look like yourself when you meet them.

    4. If you are attracted to particular qualities in someone else, find or develop those qualities in yourself.

    Most of us express only a small part of who we are. We limit ourselves to the personality—or self—we have become in response to our childhood environment. This is an unavoidable stage in our developmental process because we have to form a self—or ego—that enables us to survive and hopefully thrive in our family and social setting.

    And the way we do that is by developing characteristics that meet our survival needs and pushing away any characteristics that aren’t valued or needed.

    So we all have hidden or disowned parts of ourselves that at some point we need to unearth.

    When we haven’t yet unearthed and embraced our disowned parts, we are drawn into relationships with others who express those parts. It is like we are unconsciously trying to complete ourselves through our relationships.

    These relationships usually involve intense attraction at first and are characterized by feelings of completeness. But inevitably, they become stifled by strong relationship patterns that form where people get stuck relating to one another from one main part of themselves that bonds with its opposite in the other person. These are called “bonding patterns.”

    So, for example, a very responsible man might become a “responsible father” in relation to his partner’s inner “pleasing daughter,” and a nurturing woman might become a “nurturing mother” to her partner’s inner “needy son.”

    If the woman doesn’t become conscious of her own responsibility, she will rely on her partner to be responsible. And if the man doesn’t connect with his nurturing side, he will want to be nurtured by her. But then when stresses and vulnerabilities arise in the relationship, these bonding patterns turn negative, and the partners turn on each other.

    I am so grateful to have learned about bonding patterns because the awareness of them not only helps enormously in my relationship, but they also act as a guide for which parts of myself I have lost connection to.

    Because bonding patterns are the natural way that we give and receive love, they are unavoidable. And no matter how conscious we become, there is always something that’s unconscious! But bonding patterns can be navigated successfully.

    When you become aware that you are attracted to other people because of what you have disowned in yourself, and then work on owning those qualities in yourself, your relationships transform.

    If you are in a relationship already and you begin this process, then as you and your partner reclaim your disowned selves, you start to become more fully yourselves with each other and your relationship will become richer.

    5. Engage with life; accept the gifts that are offered to you.

    The night I met my husband a friend had invited me to a party hosted by one of her friends, and at first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go.

    I was tempted to decline the invitation because I didn’t know the person whose party it was, and it was a Sunday night, so I had work the next day. But I didn’t have a compelling reason not to go and I had promised myself that I would accept the gifts life offered me, such as saying yes to invitations that seemed to come from nowhere. And this was one of those.

    When I got to that party, there he was: my future husband, with whom I have had three children and twenty-five years of a wonderful life together.

    Was I looking for someone when I went to that party?

    No. And it was a surprise to meet him there. If I had been intentionally looking for a partner, I probably would not have even spoken to my husband that night.

    When you look at each person you encounter as if you are screening them for a job with a life-long contract, it changes the organic flow of events and natural connection that forms with the people you encounter. It is also off-putting to be evaluated as a “catch” and it is likely to make people run from you!

    The simplest way to stop assessing others as potential life partners is to just stop looking for a partner and connect with the people you meet with genuine interest. Then enjoy the type of relationship that naturally develops—or doesn’t—whether that’s a friendship, a business connection, or a bond based on a mutual interest.

    6. When you meet someone, don’t hurry things; allow the relationship to unfold.

    When you meet someone you have a good connection with, allow that connection to develop and grow. If the person is a soul mate, he or she will also be into you, so if you both pay genuine attention to each other then something will develop.

    There is no need to play games or to try particular seduction techniques or to achieve milestones by a particular time. A successful long-term relationship is not a game.

    Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you had to manipulate into it? Do you want your partner to be enchanted by an image you have created so that you have to hide yourself in some way? Or do you want your partner to love you wholeheartedly? What kind of relationship do you want to bring children into if you end up having them?

    Each relationship is unique, just as each person is unique, so how your relationship unfolds will be unique too. You can’t plan for it to go a particular way. You have to engage with the process of it and with each other, and then make decisions as you go. There is no one line you can say, no one action you can take, that will lead to a particular result.

    All you can do is live your life more fully, learn to accept and love yourself more fully, and you will love and be loved more fully.

  • Enjoy the Little Things: How to Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

    Enjoy the Little Things: How to Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

    “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

    One of the things I love about the Native American spiritual path is the focus on appreciating the simple things in life.

    Simple things are often hard to relate to in today’s world of overwhelm.

    Eric Schmidt, executive chairman of Google, says we human beings currently create as much information in two days as we did from the dawn of civilization up through 2003!

    And yet our bodies were, and still are, designed to be in tune with the sun, the moon, the seasons, and the cycles of nature. That simplicity is what our souls long for.

    So our adaption to the “modern age” has been fraught with peril to our peace of mind and our health.

    Our ancestors greeted the sun each morning, enjoyed simple home-cooked meals, played with their children and grandchildren, and delighted in a beautiful sunset, with no television to lure them inside on a beautiful summer evening.

    I am as tempted as the next person to watch a good TV show, but I have found that the evenings when I putter in the kitchen, making a healthy meal while listening to relaxing music, are much more fulfilling.

    Finding Meaning in the Little Things

    I designed my house around being able to have African violets in the kitchen window.

    I did it because my grandmother had them in her kitchen window. That meant the kitchen window had to be in the south, because that gave them the best light.

    So my entire house was designed around having a south-facing kitchen window for African violets.

    Every time I stand at the kitchen sink and see them, I think of my grandmother. And it becomes a simple, heartfelt connection to the past.

    Native Americans sought a simple, earth-based lifestyle also. No one who truly understood the responsibility involved ever sought to be a “medicine man.” They longed to be a simple human being, living a simple life.

    My first Native American teacher, Sun Bear, said, “I’m not interested in any philosophy unless it can help me grow corn.” Meaning, knowledge that makes our lives better is what’s most valuable.

    It’s fine to spend time philosophizing about lofty ideals, but how does that help you if you’re unable to enjoy a cup of tea, or a sunset, or delight in watching a child take her first steps?

    Living a peaceful, fulfilling life is sacred.

    Is There More to Life Than This?

    I remember an episode of the sitcom Seinfeld in which Jerry Seinfeld was, for once in his life, thoughtful and sensitive. In reviewing his shallow life, he asked, “Isn’t there more to life than this?”

    His neighbor Kramer replied, “I know the answer to that: There isn’t!”

    What if there isn’t more to life than simplicity, appreciating every day, helping others, and being kind when we can? I think that’s not so bad!

    I have two friends who recently retired and told me they asked themselves, “What should we do now with our time?”

    And they decided they just want to help people. They’re very handy and told me that whenever I need something fixed around the house, to just call them and they’ll come fix it at no charge. They do it just for the pure joy of it.

    It helps me enormously and gives them the fulfilling feeling of having helped someone. What a simple retirement solution.

    And I get the joy of inviting them over to dinner as a thank you.

    Spiritual Acts in Daily Life

    Here are some things that I feel are sacred in life, and they certainly are simple. Perhaps making time to add them to your day will bring the sacred back into it:

    1. Prayer.

    2. Meditation.

    3. Time in nature.

    4. Time with children; they certainly know how to live in the moment.

    5. Meal preparation. It’s an opportunity to pray over your food. Make it a meditation.

    6. Greet the day. Watch the sun rise and say, ”Thank you.”

    7. Say “goodnight” to the day and express gratitude for everything that happened that day.

    8. Declutter your home, which also leads to decluttering your mind. I’m going through a massive purging right now, getting rid of things I no longer use. It feels as though I’m opening up my mind and soul for a fresh breeze to flow through and renew me.

    9. Awake early to have time to meditate, breathe, and watch the birds, while slowly, mindfully, drinking a cup of coffee or tea.

    10. When you feel the need to buy something, stop. Wait twenty-four hours. Why do you want it? Do you need it? What void is it filling? What else can fill it?

    11. Do you keep the T.V. on without even watching it? Living alone, I am well aware that sometimes I like the T.V on just to hear the voices of other people. But I’ve recently taken to leaving the T.V. off and listening to music instead. So I still hear voices, but more pleasant ones.

    Here are a few things turning off the T.V. can give you: time with a loved one, time for exercise, time for meditation, time for self, time to observe nature, time for a nap.

    Why not take some time to slow down, incorporate some of these spiritual acts into your day, and see what a difference it makes?

  • If You Can’t Do Anything About It, Then Let It Go

    If You Can’t Do Anything About It, Then Let It Go

    If You Can't Do Anything About It

  • Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    If you’re anything like I used to be, your inner critic packs a powerful punch.

    You’ve got a vicious voice bad mouthing you for much of the day. And when it’s in one of those moods, wow, are you going to suffer.

    It’s no wonder you feel small, disappointed, and ashamed of who you are.

    It’s the reason you lie in bed at night feeling like a failure, convinced you’re a nobody, certain you’re a serial mistake maker.

    It was exactly why I used to just lie in the dark, a lot. Most days in fact. Not sleeping, not even thinking, just lying.

    I was forever longing for my life to go away. I’d gotten so good at beating myself up that each day seemed to present more opportunities to fail, to feel insignificant and never good enough.

    Alone in the dark, I could pretend that all my problems disappeared and that I was free of the stress. I could make-believe that the pressure had evaporated.

    You see, I’d taken on one of those jobs, one of those supposed leaps up the career ladder. But hell, being the head of a college department turned out to be a bad life choice … given my oh-so critical inner voice.

    Every day added to my imagined portfolio of failures. Every day blew another hole in my smokescreen of having any confidence in my ability. And every day, I became more fearful of being exposed as the ‘fake’ I believed I was.

    I felt like I was constantly aching yet feeling numb at the same time, which became too painful to bear. I dragged my shameful self into the college and quit. I left my entire library of books on the table along with my resignation.

    Four years on, even though I’d tried to move on, even changing countries, I still felt the same. No more confident and no less self-critical.

    That’s when I learned that even if I hadn’t packed any belongings, I still took a devastating amount of baggage with me. Even worse, I’d allowed my inner critic to ride passenger.

    That voice—that mean, vicious, ever-present voice—had to go if life was going to be worth living.

    Consciously and patiently, I set out to understand why this self-critical person had become such a huge part of me. I learned how to recognize and counter the habitual negative messages and destructive behavior patterns. I learned how to beat my inner critic, for the most part.

    And now it’s your turn.

    Because it’s time you felt free from the pain of constant self-criticism as well. It’s time you finally stopped beating yourself up over everything you say or do. And it’s time you were able to breathe, smile, and be pleased with yourself, just as you are.

    How? With one simple, small action at a time.

    Some of these ideas will speak to you; some will shout. Others will only mumble. Try a handful that grab your imagination. Add in others from the list over time as you learn to build them into an inner-critic-beating habit.

    1. Keep a self-praise journal.

    Pocket-size is best. Each time you feel pleased by something you’ve done or said, jot it down. Flip through the pages every time you feel your critical voice starting to pipe up.

    2. Write a positive self-message.

    Use a permanent marker and inscribe it on the inside of your shoes.

    3. Diminish your inner critic’s power.

    Repeat a negative thought back in a silly voice.

    4. Update your Facebook status:

    “Happy to be me. Work in progress.”

    5. Send yourself a loving text.

    Keep it, and re-read it often. Appreciate yourself.

    6. Add a positive self-message to an image.

    Put it on your phone and laptop.

    7. Draw a caricature.

    Give your inner critic a silly feature that makes you laugh. Stick it on your fridge.

    8. Make a face or blow a raspberry.

    At your inner critic, not yourself!

    9. Visualize your inner critic.

    Imagine it as an evil gremlin squatting on your shoulder. Each time it speaks up, turn and flick it away.

    10. Look in the mirror.

    Smile and compliment yourself on one quality or trait you like.

    11. Keep a list of self-forgiveness quotes.

    Or sign up to receive daily emails from Tiny Buddha.

    12. Write a list of qualities others like about you.

    Keep it in your purse or wallet.

    13. Write a list of qualities you like about yourself.

    Add it to your purse or wallet as well.

    14. Remind yourself: 

    “No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.” ~Unknown.

    15. End each negative thought with a positive.

    For example, “But I’m human and I can learn not to make the same mistake,” or, “But I have the power to change this.”

    16. Jot down one thing you’d like to be better at.

    Then take one tiny step toward that.

    17. Remember “not good enough” doesn’t exist.

    “I don’t know a perfect person, I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green

    18. Ask yourself why you think you should be good at everything. 

    We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Concentrate on your strengths.

    19. Find one thing each day to reward yourself for.

    Make it something you truly look forward to.

    20. Apologize to yourself.

    Do this every time you recognize self-criticism (tell yourself you’re sorry out loud if you can).

    21. Ring someone you haven’t spoken to in ages.

    Tell them how much they mean to you. The best way to feel better about yourself is to make someone else feel better.

    22. Remember that self-hate is not an option.

    You’re the only person you can guarantee you’ll be in a relationship with from birth to death, so learn to love yourself.

    23. Remember there’s no shame in messing up.

    You’re trying to do something, grow, and contribute.

    24. Break the cycle.

    Admit you made a mistake and ask, “Now what can I do about it?”

    25. Look at a mistake or “failure” in context.

    Will it really matter in a week, a year, or ten years from now?

    26. Recognize that you make fewer mistakes than you think.

    You just criticize yourself repeatedly for the same few.

    27. Drown out your inner critic.

    Put on your favorite feel-good music.

    28. Stop trying to do too much.

    Strike one task from your to-do list that won’t stop Earth from revolving if it isn’t done.

    29. Reflect on how you’re only on this planet for a short time.

    You can either spend it beating yourself up and being miserable or learn to love yourself and be happy.

    30. Stop focusing on the one thing you got wrong.

    Focus on the many things you got right.

    31. Recognize the good you do for others.

    The more you beat yourself up, the less good you do.

    32. Keep a daily, written tally of positive self-messages.

    Increase this by at least one each day.

    33. Physically pat yourself on the back.

    Do this for everything you’ve done well this week.

    34. Look at a satellite image of the earth.

    Realize that you are an important part of this amazing creation.

    35. Realize that over six billion people in the world don’t care.

    Only you care that you made a mistake.

    36. Think of a fun, positive adjective.

    Adopt this as your middle name so that every time you criticize yourself by name, you’ve described yourself in a positive way.

    37. Buy a houseplant.

    When you tend it remind yourself you need this much love and attention.

    38. Note down kind words from others.

    Write them on slips of paper and keep them in a compliment jar. Dip into this whenever you need to counter a negative self-message.

    39. Halt a negative self-thought.

    Use an act of self-care. For example apply hand cream, or give yourself a neck rub.

    40. Stop comparing yourself to others.

    Remember Dr. Seuss: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!”

    Stop Beating Yourself Up Once and for All

    Beating yourself up leaves you feeling horrible.

    All that constant self-criticism is exhausting. It leaves you aching inside.

    Small, simple actions can bring great leaps in breaking this negative cycle—for good.

    Let these ideas speak to you. Pick the ones that shout loudest.

    Defeat self-depreciating thoughts you’ve heard over and over with conscious, positive acts of self-compassion.

    Stop letting your inner critic overpower you. Fight back with self-love.

  • 6 Things to Keep in Mind When You’re Trying to Make New Friends

    6 Things to Keep in Mind When You’re Trying to Make New Friends

    Friends Taking Selfie

    “No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” ~Alice Walker

    When I was young, I never actively wanted friends, probably because I didn’t know the benefits of having strong friendships. I got along fine in my social circle in high school, in part because I could translate Latin more quickly than my classmates, which was helpful to some of them, and because I was pleasant enough.

    I wasn’t going to get on anyone’s nerves, at least not on purpose. In fact, I was so careful not to be a bother to anyone that I essentially rendered myself mute. Yep, you couldn’t get a peep out of me most days.

    Those high school years spent in relative silence created a major gap in my ability to navigate relationships and to deal with major stressors in college, graduate school, and beyond. I don’t think I understood how trust worked between good friends, and that made me vulnerable to all sorts of things, including feeling anxious, uncomfortable, and clueless.

    After entering into my own psychotherapy early in graduate school, I began to work on breaking out of my silence.

    Session after session I practiced speaking about personal matters even when I felt awkward doing so. I began to trust my ability to communicate, even about difficult feelings; I no longer needed to find reasons to shrink into myself.

    Through the therapy process, I also realized I had been holding myself back on many fronts, including my natural inclination to be with people and to be, well, talkative and social. Being able to express myself freely enabled me to learn how to be a good friend and how to have a good time in the process.

    Enjoying true friendship as an adult has undoubtedly been one of the most meaningful aspects of my life.

    Some of the lessons I have learned through my friendships include:

    1. Almost everyone wants to have fun. 

    You don’t have to take yourself or others so seriously. Don’t be afraid to approach people if you have an idea, an instinct about something, or something you just need to say.

    2. We all share the same experiences.

    We all become vulnerable each time a new person approaches or each time we consider meeting up with someone new. There really isn’t a way of getting around this. It’s part of the human experience and it’s not going away. Even further advances in social media and technology cannot erase the wobbly feeling we need to go through when we are social.

    3. We all are different and unique. 

    The fact that no two of us are exactly the same has become a source of relief for me. I no longer have to strive to be just like someone else.

    I now know enough about myself to be able to enjoy exploring the unique aspects of other people in my life. Those differences between us help me to feel sane and to understand my own life experiences better.

    4. We can choose to be open or closed in our relationships.

    It’s dangerous to fool ourselves into believing a closed stance is safer than an open one. When we interact with others in a guarded way, we prevent ourselves from absorbing the finer details of what’s really happening. We miss the present moment because we are watching out for ourselves.

    When we are open, others sense that we are alert, aware, involved, and engaged—all excellent and desirable qualities in a worker, student, partner, or friend.

    Be careful if you find yourself closed off to new information or interactions and if fear is your first response to new demands and opportunities. If you’re wondering why social interactions feel so difficult, see if you might be approaching them with a closed stance.

    When you are open and expressive with your friends, it’s equivalent to building trust and to ensuring loving feelings between you. You’ll begin to feel more at ease and less like shielding yourself from others.

    5. We don’t always have to insist on parity and fairness.

    People who are preoccupied with calculating whether they are getting as much as they are giving in their interactions have very close relationships, but unfortunately, those relationships are with the calculator inside their head instead of the people they are with.

    We can tabulate the costs and benefits, but who really wants to conduct relationships as if they were the next round of taxes?

    Be generous with your time. Give freely of your kindness, knowledge, and expertise.

    6. We can reach into new dimensions.

    I have had the most enriching experiences in the past few years getting to know men and women who are older than I am—about five to ten years older. The extra years seem to bring wisdom, experience, and ease to these friends.

    I know I can have solid advice as quickly as I can send a text. I know these friends will see me through the harder times and will be just as eager to have lunch with me as I am with them.

    Look for friends and acquaintances in areas (and age ranges) you are unfamiliar with. The world is a really big playground. It’s okay to change your outlook and scenery.

    As an adult, I am truly grateful for the group of people I call friends. Though hindsight might have me wishing for the support of these types of friends back in the day, I realize the lessons I have learned making friends as an adult would not have been so meaningful if I had been surrounded by friends when I was younger.

    If you’ve missed some opportunities to find close friendships, don’t fret. There is no time limit on letting others in, learning how to stay open in our interactions, or building great relationships.

    Friendship can be a remarkable and precious resource for us all, and one which reminds us of the sweetness and richness of living.

    Friends taking selfie image via Shutterstock

  • Not Getting What You Want

    Not Getting What You Want

    Not Getting What You Want

  • Awakening to Life and Love After a Devastating Loss

    Awakening to Life and Love After a Devastating Loss

    “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” ~Ernest Hemingway  

    For years I cursed spring.

    During that time my heart woke to the bitterness of life. In the harsh frost of winter my anguish and the season were one, a climate where I felt safe, cocooned in a blanket of grief, a camouflage that ensconced me from the world outside.

    Like grief, winter brings the bitter cold to our life, and those withered months drenched in sorrow tasted natural.

    In the time I lingered frozen in my shroud of despair, spring had arrived, with feathered creatures whistling joyous songs while the leaves danced up our driveway. The warmth of the sun was a charlatan, exasperating my pain while seducing me like a stranger to a foreign place.

    Welcoming the signs of spring felt like a betrayal of my grief. For years I remained suspended, cursing the seasons, as if they had something to do with my anguish. Spring represented an unwanted gift, and this rebirth offended me. How could life continue when I stood so raw?

    Marooned in a well of grief, I felt alone in a world surrounded by people, a place where I was unable to articulate the wound that clutched at my soul.

    My attention oscillated with an assault of questions, an endless loop of uncertainty that blemished my heart.

    Feeling guilty for being alive when he was gone, for waking each day, even the shame I felt running out of tears depleted me, until nothing but darkness remained. Each day another upheaval when I woke peacefully until the ambiguity dissipated and exposed me to the pain again.

    Meeting with other bereaved families and sharing our lives brought the courage I needed to begin functioning again. Slowly a thaw occurred and the bitter cold that once surrounded my heart began to warm.

    The heartache that previously consumed me now unfolded into a treasure of memories and the gifts they bring with the passage of time. Gratitude can nourish us when our heart feels empty. Though learning through loss is difficult, it remains powerful.

    Embracing this enlightenment and the growth it provided filled me with love and compassion. Through years of grief, love, and self-examination, I began to find myself authentically whole again, and like the new buds of spring, my heart began to open.

    Eventually spring’s return blossomed within me and I looked forward to the new beginnings it would bring—perhaps because of the cold, seemingly endless winter, or the accumulation of snow all around us?

    But when I happened upon an old journal from twenty years ago, the place where all this grief began, the year our five-year-old son died, the fog began to lift.

    Finding a quiet room I sat down and began slowly turning the pages, revisiting the season of loss I had endured. Tenderly I stroked the pages acknowledging that despairing period of my life.

    As I read, I recalled the brave woman I was, surviving the loss of my child, and I could not help but honor her and the battle she had forged to survive.

    For days I continued reading the journal entries, discovering stories that swelled my heart and welled my eyes with tears. Yellowed pages filled with letters and poetry, notes and emotions bringing the words to life again, reminding me of how far I had come.

    Entries I had written cursing the seasons stung at my vision, until suddenly aware of the anger I once held with spring, for it was not the season that hurt; the pain that gripped me was witnessing life moving on without me.

    It took me years of unraveling to find myself again, and there are still days when I hear his sweet voice in the quiet of my day and know that he is still with me. Learning to step beyond the loss and share the love I had for my son in positive ways became one of my greatest blessings.

    Gratefulness is plentiful when we look beyond ourselves and see the beauty that exists in life all around us.

    Ryan’s story became a story of love, one of giving to others the way this small child gave to us. Caring for strangers with random acts of kindness began filling the emptiness that once consumed me.

    The power connected to giving is immeasurable, and that influence sustained me. Beginning with small acts that kept me anonymous was the tipping point I needed to shift directions.

    Paying at a drive-through where I remained nameless energized me, and instead of the melancholy I had previously felt, a new kind of optimism emerged.

    Solace can be found in that quiet place of grace when you release a kind deed into the universe and let the laws of nature embrace it.

    Over twenty years later I was running a race on Ryan’s birthday and aspired to do something special.

    Although I was unclear on how I would present it, I went prepared, picking up two $10 gift cards from a local store. This time I needed to step out of my anonymous comfort zone and be present.

    After asking permission, I handed the two gift cards to two young siblings there to run the race. The delight alone was a gratification to witness, but this act gave more.

    After sharing Ryan’s story, they all thanked me and I returned to my own daughter, both of us beaming.

    Within a few minutes the children bashfully approached me, thanking me again and sharing how special they felt. Smiling, I looked up at their mom who stood watching with tears running down her face.

    Allowing Ryan to live on in positive ways is a gift I have given away countless times without regret. Connecting ourselves with others makes the world a more loving place.

    Although we try and live with a strategy in mind, planning how many children we want or the house we need, within all of this, there is no immunity from loss.

    When we realize that material things are fleeting collections of wants and will not sustain us in tragedy, we begin to embrace the little moments of life.

    Giving of ourselves is the most valuable offering we can present, shaping the world in a perfect light. A beautiful sunrise, a child’s laughter, even the smile we bring the elderly neighbor when we stop to visit will be the pause that will anchor us if our ship begins to sink.

  • 9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

    9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

    “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

    The end of my marriage was a life-shattering event that rocked my world and made me question my existence.

    My breakup led to a full existential, spiritual, and personal crisis.

    After putting the pieces back together, I feel like I’m ready to love again.

    It took me a long time to feel open to another relationship because I was stuck in the past, replaying the story of my former relationship over and over again in my mind.

    I also held a set of disempowering and limiting beliefs that prevented from moving on.

    Some of the sabotaging thoughts that I had to confront included:

    I’m broken.

    I thought a severe heartbreak led to a permanently broken heart. The wounds were so deep and heartbreak so heavy that my ability to love someone else was broken forever.

    No one will ever love me again.

    After my last breakup, I thought I was done. I felt rejected by one person but it felt like that one person represented all women and I wouldn’t find someone else. Ever.

    I have nothing to offer.

    I believed my heart muscle was used up and my capacity to love was depleted. I felt like there was nothing I could give to anyone else because I had given everything I had.

    There must be something wrong with me.

    I believed the harsh comments my ex made about my character, shortcomings, and behavior made me an unworthy person. There must have been something wrong with me because she knew me so well. I’m no innocent bystander here; I said my share of hurtful words and am sorry for them.

    I’ll find the same kind of person again.

    I believed a future relationship would bring more of the same struggle and pain. I’d continue to attract someone like my ex or find myself attracted to someone like that again. Once again, we’d have the same kind of fights and challenges.

    There’s no one out there for me.

    After my last relationship, I came up with a mental checklist of values and traits I wanted in a future partner. I believed the exact person I was looking for likely didn’t exist, and that meant there was no one out there for me.

    I’m a failure.

    I had failed in picking the right partner before and failed in the relationship. And I had failed in a few other things as well. In fact, my beliefs caused me to believe that I was a failure in all parts of my life. And as a failure, I wouldn’t be able to meet anyone new. Who wants to be with a failure?

    Love is too painful.

    After my painful, soul-crushing breakup, I would have preferred to walk through a lion and tiger-filled African safari than get into another relationship. I wanted to play it safe and not take a risk on love again.

    It’s dangerous to be vulnerable.

    In my last relationship I’d put myself out there, revealed almost everything about myself, and placed my heart in another person’s hand. I’d been as vulnerable and open as I could be with my previous partner. But now, after heartbreak, I didn’t want to be open or vulnerable again. I wanted to build large walls to protect my heart so I wouldn’t have to bare my soul again.

    As you can see, I dealt with a full can of worms of negative thoughts and disempowering beliefs.

    If you have similar beliefs because of a breakup, you know that it’s virtually impossible to meet new people and start over again in your love life.

    Here are nine ways to set aside your limiting beliefs and open your heart to a new relationship.

    1. Recognize your limiting beliefs and know that they stem from your past experiences.

    You only believe these things now because of what happened in the past. Beliefs are based on your subjective experience; they can be changed or seen through a different lens.

    2. Remind yourself that the past doesn’t equal the future.

    What happened once can be seen as a teaching experience so you’ll know what to avoid in the future. You are wiser now; your past doesn’t have to repeat itself. You can grow from failure and disappointment.

    3. Challenge every limiting belief you have about relationships.

    When you think a disempowering thought, like “all relationships lead to pain” or “I’ll never find love again,” challenge it. Come up with reasons why those thoughts are not facts.

    If you look around you at friends and family, you’ll find strong relationships that work. Relationships that are filled with commitment, love, kindness, and mutual respect.

    You’ve also likely experienced positive and love-filled relationships in your life. Remind yourself of what’s possible in a loving and wholesome relationship.

    4. Spend less time focusing on your heartbreak and the negative beliefs you’ve developed because of your past.

    Focus more on yourself. Take care of your health by eating better and exercising more. Be more compassionate toward yourself by taking more time off and getting more sleep. Commit to becoming the best version of yourself by working on your confidence, overcoming your fears, and following your dreams.

    Do work that brings you joy, surround yourself with supportive people, and create a zone of positivity around you.

    5. Strive to live more in the present moment by letting go of thoughts about the past.

    When thoughts and feelings about the relationship come up, don’t cling to them. Acknowledge that your mind is pulling you back to the past and wants to drag you through a cycle of pain and sadness.

    Simply acknowledging what your mind is doing will help you be more conscious of its tricky ways. Watch those thoughts pass by like clouds passing in the sky.

    It will help to focus on the task at hand. If you find your mind drifting back to the relationship, just come back to what you were doing before your past popped up.

    6. Look for love all around you.

    What you focus on tends to show up in your life.

    If you look at pain and struggle in the world, you will see more of that. If you search for heartache and loss, you will find that.

    If you keep focused on doing work you love, spending time with people you love, and engaging in activities you love, you will be in a much better place to invite romance into your life.

    7. Become more loving and kind to yourself.

    Become the kind of person you desire to have a relationship with. Work on the qualities that prevent you from being the kind of person you’re capable of.

    In order to become more loving, I had to let go of the ego, anger, and resentment that clouded my life.

    I had to take stock of my life and reflect upon the way I showed up in my relationship. I also had to take responsibility for my shortcomings .

    I realized that I had to reign in my anger, check my controlling behavior, and wash my ego with more love and compassion.

    8. Cultivate more positive views of love.

    Try affirmations, meditations, journaling, and other practices to help you shift your beliefs about love. Interpret events that happen to you through a new framework of love—not the old framework of heartbreak.

    When someone calls you or wants to take you out for dinner, think in terms of the possibilities of a new relationship, not all the things that can go wrong.

    Instead of thinking “here we go again” with new circumstances in your life, remind yourself that you have the opportunity to show up more wisely and with a more open heart.

    9. Find the courage to be open to love again.

    Take small steps to trusting someone, sharing with someone, and opening your heart to someone new. If you’re overwhelmed by the gravity of a new relationship, take it slow and build trust in that person over time.

    I’ve come to learn that relationships can be our greatest spiritual assignments. Even if the worst happens, you’ll be growing and learning as a person.

    A broken heart can lead to an open heart. And an open heart is fertile ground for a stronger and deeper love.

    It’s not too late to set aside your resistance to love and your limiting views of relationships to find the person who’s just right for you.

    Do you have lingering negative beliefs about love? Please share them in the comments below and let me know what you’re doing to work through them.