Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • 10 Ways We Hide from the World & Why We Need to Be Seen

    10 Ways We Hide from the World & Why We Need to Be Seen

    Man with Bag on Head

    “Don’t hide yourself. Stand up, keep your head high, and show them what you got!” ~Joe Mari Fadrigalan

    Sometime in high school I started to disappear. If I think back to the source of my disappearance, it was probably in sixth grade, the year all of my girlfriends ostracized me from sleepovers, parties, and general friendliness.

    I was resilient, made some new friends, and forgave the old, but I kind of stopped trusting people. And when you don’t trust people, you can’t be yourself around them. So I decided to disappear.

    I remember becoming ghost-like. I remember it being a choice. A conscious choice.

    I decided to slouch in my desk and cover my eyes. I decided to silence my voice when an opinion was provoked. I decided to avoid eye contact. I decided to skip parties, stop making efforts with people who made no efforts with me, and hold my breath until graduation day.

    And this is what I learned: people let you disappear.

    I don’t think I expected to be saved, but no one crawled into my hole, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out.

    If you want to disappear, you will. You’ll meet someone five or six times and they will never seem to remember meeting you. You’ll walk down streets and people will bump right into you. You’ll be looked through and talked over.

    The world does not carve out a space for the voiceless. They do not roll out a red carpet and invite the invisible to parade through.

    This is the great lesson of life: you get what you ask for. If you want to disappear, you got it. If you want to be seen and heard, you can have that too.

    Disappearing is much easier, I have to say. It doesn’t take much energy to shut up and fade away. What’s much more challenging is acknowledging to yourself that you’re worthy of being here and facing the pain that’s required of being seen.

    Here are some of the ways we hide:

    1. We don’t give our opinion because it’s different from what other people are saying.

    2. We avoid eye contact or look away once initial eye contact is made.

    3. We speak very softly and timidly.

    4. We slouch and hunch over in an effort to shrink ourselves down.

    5. We wait for other people to initiate.

    6. In conversation we don’t offer up anything about our lives, our feelings, our interests, our thoughts.

    7. We decline invitations to parties, to dinners, to coffee, to anything new.

    8. We tell ourselves stories about people so we don’t have to like them and, inevitably, let them in.

    9. We don’t tell the truth to others.

    10. We don’t tell the truth to ourselves.

    I was waiting to live. Waiting to feel okay in my skin. Waiting to find people I could trust and open up. Waiting to live the life I wanted for myself.

    This was a dangerous lesson in my life. It taught me that it was okay to hide, that it was okay to shrink myself down to a barely audible whisper. Hiding became a habitual coping mechanism.

    When I moved to LA in my late twenties, I realized that no one knew me. I had some amazing people in my life who lived all over the country, but this was my new home—and no one knew me.

    Around this time I began to heal myself through mentorship and breathwork.

    I learned to value myself, to recognize my inherent worth, and I became more open. I took risks: I maintained eye contact with strangers, I smiled, I gave out information about myself without it being requested of me, I asked people out for coffee, I had presence, I was vibrating at a higher frequency.

    And guess what started to happen? People were seeing me. At cafes people looked me in the eye, and we made small talk, sometimes real talk. Neighbors learned my name. People remembered me.

    We all need to be seen. It’s part of what makes us human. When we don’t allow ourselves to be seen, we diminish our importance in this world. We undervalue ourselves. We hold ourselves back from greatness. We stifle our contributions. And it just plain doesn’t feel good.

    A life of joy is one in which we feel comfortable showing who we really are to the world. It means accepting the fact that we’re going to stumble over our words sometimes, be misunderstood sometimes, and even be disliked sometimes.

    But even in those moments we will still love ourselves first. We will allow the pain of others to be their pain and not our own. We will do our best to continue to give love to those who need it most, even when the remnants of their rejections sting.

    When we shrink ourselves down we diminish our light. We literally become invisible. People look right through us, walk around us, and forget our existence because we have allowed ourselves to disappear.

    There is light that vibrates through each of us. When we love ourselves we are illuminated, and we can’t help but be seen. People flock to light. 

    Hiding in a dark shell of a body is not a life. It’s a holding room. It’s the place where you’re choosing to find safe harbor until the storm passes. But the more you hide, the more difficult it is to come out. Everything feels like a violent storm.

    We avoid our own lives and, in doing so, relinquish our right to living a truly happy one.

    There are some really uncomfortable things we have to encounter in this life. We are all wounded. The only way to get to the other side of any pain is to walk through it.

    Sometimes you have to walk really slowly, and sometimes you have to sit in the pain and feel it deeply.

    Sometimes you have to let yourself be humiliated, heartbroken, and defeated in order to walk through the other side resilient, lighter, and wiser.

    The only way to shed the burden of our pain is to face into it and feel the love buried deep beneath. And we need you to walk through the fire. Because the truth is that we need to see you as much as you need to be seen.

    If you’re hiding right now, please come out. We’re all here, waiting to meet you.

    Man with bag on head image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Way to Really See Each Other and Be Seen

    A Simple Way to Really See Each Other and Be Seen

    Kids at a Table

    “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron

    Growing up, my family ate dinner together nearly every night. It was a given. My mom also created a tradition called “go around the table,” in which everyone in my family would take turns sharing the details of our day.

    I often think back on this memory with awe at the impact this simple yet profound activity has had on my life.

    While I do not yet have a family, I have introduced “go around the table” to friends at dinner parties and colleagues at work events, and have experienced the benefits of this practice in the classroom, support groups, and spiritual groups.

    Sitting around a table with others and sharing is an experience that allows you to see and be seen, and if you have not done it lately, I suspect it could change your life.

    With the guidelines below, you can introduce this activity to your family, colleagues, or any other trusted group that seeks to nurture and improve communication, confidence, leadership skills, and community.

    1. The table is for sharing, not discussing.

    In my family, going around the table meant sharing about the events of our day. Sometimes this meant also sharing how these events made us feel, but we never used this time to plan a family vacation, talk about chores, or discuss “business” of any kind. This is especially important if your table exists in the workplace.

     2. Talk about your day (or week, depending on how often your table meets).

    You will find yourself wanting to pose specific questions or otherwise shape the way your table shares, but it’s important to keep it very simple.

    The focus of the activity is for each person at the table to tell his or her story in this moment in time. Why? Mostly because my mom said so, but also because having an audience to witness our stories as we tell them is extremely validating and empowering. It also gives us the power to own our stories.

    “Go around the table” also begs us to learn the art of storytelling—as a kid, my siblings and I quickly learned how to engage each other as we went around the table.

    When it was my turn to share, I always began, “I woke up,” and everyone would kind of grumble but also smile. I was funny (and a total hack). I was also learning that I like to make people laugh and humor is a good way to get my message across.

    As you share, you will find what type of communication works best for you.

    3. Just listen.

    When it’s not your turn to talk, you don’t talk. Period. When it is your turn to talk, you do not respond to another person’s story; you simply tell your story.

    Once you learn how to not interrupt others with your speech, you can begin to learn how to not interrupt others with your thoughts. When someone else is speaking, try not to plan what you are going to say. Just listen.

    Learning to really listen to what others have to say makes us better family members, friends, employees, managers, and people.

    4. No one is in charge.

    You will need someone to facilitate the sharing, but this does not make them the boss. The facilitator simply calls on someone to share first, and then rejoins the group as you “go around the table.”

    The table is a group of peers offering compassionate listening to each other. Avoid viewing one another through hierarchical dichotomies like teacher/student, counselor/patient, healer/wounded, or even parent/child. These relationships have purpose in other settings, but in this exercise, everyone is equal.

    If people begin to speak out of turn or abuse the sharing time in any way, each member of the group is equally responsible for maintaining decorum.

    When there are very few rules, you may be surprised at how steadfastly your table members adhere to them, even if they are very small children.

    5. Allow yourself to be heard.

    Talking out loud in a group setting is really scary. It is not something that comes easily or naturally to most people, and cultivating this ability to be heard is one of the best ways to live in a more awakened state.

    When you are talking, and people are listening, you are yanked into the present moment.

    When you learn to share in this way, you will have terrifying yet beautiful moments when you notice that everyone is listening to you. Breathe and continue your story in this moment, and eventually you may enjoy it. This is true for introverts and extroverts alike.

    Learning to be heard will grow your confidence and give you power.

    6. Be vulnerable.

    Sometimes you will come to the table carrying a heavy burden. One benefit of this practice is that talking about your fears, anxieties, or challenges will lighten your load.

    Be vulnerable and share and you will find peace as you allow yourself to be supported by the others at your table.

    7. If you don’t want to share, don’t.

    You may come to the table feeling something that can’t be articulated. When it’s your turn to talk, you can always pass.

    Don’t ever feel pressured to talk about something that you don’t feel ready to talk about and don’t make something up just so you have something to say. This activity demands authenticity or it doesn’t work.

    Additionally, the more you put into the exercise, the more you get out, so even if you decide not to share, don’t check out. Be present and listen to what others say.

    8. The table is free.

    There are a lot of groups out there that offer this type of experience to members, and most of them are wonderful, healing places. If you decide to join a new group or meet-up, do your research and trust your intuition.

    Everyone at your table should feel free to come and go as they please. If someone at your table wants you to offer something that does not feel right to you, whether financially, sexually, emotionally, energetically, or otherwise, walk away and find a new table.

    If you feel scared to leave or do not know how, find someone outside of the group to talk to. You should never be asked to give more than you are willing or able to give, and you should never be made to feel guilty for walking away from the group for any reason. This is true even if the others at your table are your family.

    My mom is a really incredible woman who taught her children compassion from a young age and above all else. Going around the table is an exercise in compassion, and my hope in sharing this practice is that her wisdom will continue to affect positive growth in others.

    Happy kids cartoon via Shutterstock

  • How Emotional Pain Can Cause Us to Act “Crazy” in Relationships

    How Emotional Pain Can Cause Us to Act “Crazy” in Relationships

    Couple Fighting

    “We all exist in our own personal reality of craziness.” ~Alejandro Jodorowsky 

    Most of us have heard stories of “crazy” women (and sometimes men) and psycho exes. They are our friends, boyfriends’ exes, family members, and sometimes they can even be us.

    Often people (including ourselves) are quick to judge these people. We write them off as emotional wrecks. We label them. We shame them. It’s hard not to judge when we are not equipped with the tools to deal with behaviors we don’t understand.

    It’s even harder to feel empathy when we experience suffocation and feel our boundaries are being violated.

    But “crazy” behavior might not always be what we think. Sometimes crazy behavior is a symptom of trauma and pain. A lot of times crazy behavior hides deeper issues.

    From the moment we are born we start to develop a sense of self and belonging. We start to develop an idea of whom we are, how others feel about us, and where we fit in the world.

    Our first feelings and ideas of self come from the relationship we have with our parents.

    Generally speaking, if children have healthy parents and feel loved and secure at home, they will grow up secure and will have secure adult relationships.

    But if children come from homes where there is any type of trauma, abuse, or abandonment, where they don’t learn to build a secure sense of self, then they will grow up anxious and insecure and will have difficulty trusting others and themselves.

    Most of the time, people who act “crazy” are subconsciously playing out their childhood wounds. These wounds need to be worked through; otherwise, they continue to manifest over and over again with every new relationship.

    Craziness is simply pain turned outward.

    For as long as I can remember I have felt pain and fear of being alone. My father’s abandonment made every relationship a search for a part of me I felt was missing, but I didn’t quite know what it was.

    I have always had long and fulfilling friendships with both women and men, but for as long as I can remember I have a hard time with romantic relationships. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love men. I just didn’t know how to relate to them until recently.

    My romantic relationships have always been somewhat like this:

    “Hi. I am Brisa. I think I love you. Please complete me and fulfill every part of my life that is in need of fulfillment. Allow me to focus obsessively on your life to subconsciously avoid fixing all that is wrong with mine. And let me suffocate you with my love because I don’t think I am worthy of yours, and because I am terrified of you leaving.”

    Not surprisingly, men kept leaving.

    And when they left, my crazy behavior kicked in full force. I couldn’t handle the abandonment. I would chase and beg and humiliate myself in every city and every country we would be in. I didn’t care.

    The thought of being alone again, abandoned by yet another male, would consume every rational thought in my brain, and before I knew it only the irrational ones were left.

    The ones that kept screaming “Go to his house! Show up half naked and with flowers. I am sure that’s exactly what he wants right now!” Didn’t work? “Go to his work. Show up uninvited and beg him to take you back!”

    If you can think of any crazy behavior, I have probably done it. And I have probably done it more than once. I threw away my dignity and destroyed my reputation. All fueled by fear and pain, and in the name of love.

    I knew my behavior was unhealthy, but I couldn’t stop. It felt as if I was trapped inside my own body and had no control over my actions. I could see what I was doing. I could even despise my actions. But I couldn’t stop.

    The pain and fear of being alone was so intense that it would overpower my desire to overcome my destructive patterns.

    It’s hard to see clearly when we are caught up in the cycle of unhealthy relationships and denial.

    Many of us choose partners that will play the specific role we want them to play so that we can continue to relive our past with the hope of having a different outcome, thereby healing our old wounds. But subconsciously, we all know that’s not possible.

    Some of us just choose to continue to act in the same ways because we know that if we were in a healthy relationship and in drama-free life, we would have no other option but to spend our time actually dealing with our pain and wounds.

    Wounded people keep creating drama to keep avoiding themselves.

    It took years, countless tears, and major loss for me to realize there was something in me that needed to change. It took to years to accept my wounds and my need to look deeper into myself.

    I could no longer live with the reality I had carelessly (but repetitively) crafted for myself.

    I couldn’t stand others thinking I was crazy.

    I couldn’t stand that to his friends (and everyone he met) I was the crazy ex girlfriend he couldn’t get rid of.

    I couldn’t stand who I had become, even though I knew that’s not who I was.

    And most importantly, I was tired of playing victim. I knew I could no longer let the ghost of my father ruin my future relationships.

    When we spend years thinking of ourselves as victims of a sad childhood, bad people, and bad luck, it becomes part of our identity. I had to learn to take responsibilities for my actions and had to learn to rewire my brain into accepting my role in every circumstance of my life.

    Maybe some of the people we date are self-absorbed narcissists not worthy of our love, but that does not make them responsible for the way we act and the way we choose to live our lives.

    It’s possible that, like us, they are just less than perfect souls with their own traumas and wounds to heal. They are not responsible for our crazy behavior. And they are definitely not responsible for saving or “fixing” us.

    At some point we have to accept our past, our less than perfect childhoods, and we need to seek help so we can heal the wounds that haunt our adult lives.

    For me, that help came through friendships, meditation, and writing.

    My friends helped me through the nights I couldn’t bear spending alone, while meditation helped me during the times when all I wanted was to be alone but didn’t know how. And writing helped me organize my thoughts and all the erratic emotions that consumed my daily life.

    I was never taught how to be alone. The thought of having to sit with myself and work on what was really hurting me was terrifying. But once I took that first step toward healing, the journey became addicting.

    As I learned to control my impulses and erratic behavior, I felt my inner strength for the first time.

    I could literally feel my muscles getting stronger each time I overpowered my urge to text, to call, or to get involved with other unhealthy men just to fill the void, and to continue the emotional roller coaster I was so used to riding.

    Waking up is hard. It requires us to look deep into ourselves and confront our darkness.

    Coming to terms with our shortcomings and flaws is brutal. But to some, like myself, the realization that we can’t go on as usual doesn’t come until we are drowning in our own self-created problems and we have no other option but to dig ourselves out before it kills us.

    And I am glad I did.

    The disruptive storm I created for myself throughout the years ultimately propelled me out of the dark and crazy hole of fear, and into the sane, consciously aware world of self-acceptance and self-love.

    Fighting couple image via Shutterstock

  • Be Your Own Role Model: Visualize Your Way to Your Goals

    Be Your Own Role Model: Visualize Your Way to Your Goals

    Man and the Mirror

    “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    One day, I’d had enough.

    I heated up my yoga studio, rolled out my mat, and prepared to change this voice that I am embarrassed to admit torments me every day.

    I stood at the top of my mat, closed my eyes, and tuned into my inner voice.

    “I am tired.”

    “I should exercise tomorrow.”

    “I have too much work to take time from my schedule.”

    As my inner voice continued on and on, I began to visualize another mat rolled out next to me.

    On this other mat was an exact replica of myself. She was also standing still with her eyes closed, except there was one very big difference: this person was still, silent, relaxed, calm, and ready.

    For the next hour, I moved through my typical yoga practice with my new my imaginary friend.

    We lifted our arms up in the air as we moved into the first pose. I watched her in my mind’s eye and moved with her. She was the perfect role model. She remained composed, graceful, and poised throughout the entire hour.

    I, on the other hand, was working hard not to make audible groans. However, each time I started to feel like I was filling up with negativity, I turned my attention to my new friend and I imitated her movements, energy, and attitude.

    Within moments, I was able to transform my attitude with a simple shift of focus away from myself and onto her.

    Why did I create this alter ego?

    I want to be in shape. I want to feel strong. I want to feel that awesome post-exercise glow from a great workout.

    If I want all these awesome benefits from exercise, why does it have to be so hard some days to make it happen?

    And by hard I don’t mean that exercise is too hard on my muscles, that they won’t fire. If I was just too sore from the previous day, it would be understandable to miss a day of exercise.

    It’s not my lack of physical strength that stands between me and my goals—it’s the endless whining, complaining, excuse-giving voice in my head.

    Maybe you don’t struggle with complaints. Maybe you just hate on yourself enough until you feel motivated. Either way, it is enough negativity to ruin anything!

    What if there was a way to reach your goals and feel good, even happy, at the same time?

    Why Does Visualization Work?

    Visualization works because you are using yourself as your role model. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate the value of other people as role models. Sometimes we need advice, other opinions, or just a good listener.

    But most of the time we need to get out of own way. We are the problem. The voice in our head is the problem.

    When I use other people as role models in certain situations, I just feel worse. Here is why: I use them for inspiration.

    The very moment that I use someone else as my inspiration, I place myself in a space of not being good enough because they are the ones accomplishing the goal I desire.

    I visualize the other person. I don’t see myself as successful. I don’t see my own face. I see the other person. I see myself as not good enough relative to someone else’s success. Visualize yourself and you will believe you already have everything you need to accomplish your goals.

    What do you wish you were doing more of?

    • Visualize yourself doing it. Really, create a full image filled with details. What outfit are you wearing? Where are you? What does your face look like? What is the weather like? What does the space look like where you are completing this task?
    • Pull the image of yourself close to your minds eye.
    • Make it as big as possible, 3D, and add lots of color.

    My yoga friend is the same size as I am. She has the same outfit, same mat, even the same pedicure.

    You have more resources within than you realize.

    My yoga practice was peaceful, rewarding, and I actually pushed myself harder than usual. I was my own mentor and I had a lot to offer myself that I did not know existed.

    Man visualizing success image via Shutterstock

  • Most of the Things We Fear Are Highly Unlikely to Happen

    Most of the Things We Fear Are Highly Unlikely to Happen

    Fear

    “Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.” ~Dorothy Thompson

    Australia is full of biting, pecking, threatening animals.

    Swarms of mosquitos puncture our skin every summer, flies are everywhere, we’ve got spiders bigger than my hand, our magpie birds swoop and peck at our heads during spring, and don’t get me started on the sharks and crocodiles and those mighty big bites.

    I am most scared of the snakes. Australia has twenty of the top twenty-five most venomous species of snakes in the world. We have a hundred and forty species of land snakes and thirty-two species of sea snakes. That’s a lot.

    I grew up in the Australian bush. My family had a small property that was covered in trees and long grass.

    Throughout my youth my parents and others constantly reminded me that I had to be watchful and careful of animals that bit, pecked, or did other horrible things, particularly snakes.

    If we were walking anywhere outdoors, it was important to make noises to scare snakes away. I sang, whistled, and stamped a lot and saw almost every stick as a potential snake. The longer the grass, the more noise I made and the more I watched for any movement.

    It didn’t help that when I was very young my parents had a bonfire. It was dusk and I trotted over to the fire, all happy and youthful, and a black snake reared up in front of me.

    I’ve never forgotten the shiny eyes, the glisten on its scales. It was absolutely terrifying. We stared at each other for a moment and then I employed a bit of first class noise creation by screaming at the top of my lungs, and it slithered away.

    Dad also used to tell stories of growing up in country Australia in a big old house with snakes everywhere.

    One his favorite stories was of the time he walked into their outdoor toilet and got a big shock when he saw a two meter long brown snake curled up on the floor enjoying the afternoon sun.

    The toilet was a bench of wood with a hole, and because there were so many snakes, Dad was in the habit of crouching over the hole rather than sitting on it for fear of snakes biting his bottom.

    It didn’t end there. There was also a small island on the lake in front of where he lived called Snake Island, and it was apparently infested with them.

    I’ve seen Snake Island and it’s covered in long grass and bushes, the perfect holiday destination for slithering scary things. Oh yes, and the big brown snakes could swim, yes, swim. That’s how they could go on their holidays to the island.

    Can you imagine how much I loved hearing these stories, as every kid loves a scary story, but also how much these and other snake stories impacted a child with a very big imagination?

    It didn’t help that snakes were spotted on the property every now and again. As I grew up and throughout my adult years I never stopped watching for snakes in the bush. That’s a long time to be scared of the outdoors.

    The Camping Trip & the Confrontation with the Slithering Things

    Two months ago I went on a camping trip with my family. We were camping at a remote dam surrounded by beautiful arid bush, lots of gum trees, crickets buzzing, rough ground, and dare I say it, lots and lots of sticks. A gazillion sticks, actually.

    After the sun set over the lake and we’d eaten apricot chicken in front of a campfire flickering away in a rusty old bin, I took my torch and proceeded to walk the five minutes in the darkness to the toilet block to brush my teeth.

    My snake routine started again: torch flashing over ground, eyes seeing long thin objects, stamping my feet as I walked, some humming. It didn’t help that my torch was dimming and nearly out of batteries.

    There were shadows and movement everywhere and so many sticks. These sticks could bite me at anytime and inject me with deadly poison, and our campsite was far from medical help.

    And then it happened. I hadn’t camped in a while or been out in the bush in a while. I had been through a period of my life where I had suffered terribly from an illness and had faced many fears and had overcome many of them. I was in the habit of facing things head on.

    I thought, “What’s the chance of being bitten out here? Had my father who had basically lived in snake kingdom in his youth ever been bitten? Had anyone I know, any friends of friends, anyone, ever been bitten?”

    I watched myself looking over the dim ground. I watched my brain wanting to invent snakes, seeing movement when the only movement was the shadows cast by the torch and the wind in the gum leaves. I was dumbfounded. What had I been doing all these years?

    As soon as I got back to my tent, I got onto Google and looked up exactly how many people had been bitten by snakes in Australia. It turns out that out of Australia’s population of twenty-three million people only one or two people die from snakebites per year.

    Most bites are because people try to pick up the snake or kill it. If I wanted to get bitten I would have to chase the snake down and pick it up and hug it. I also found out that sharks only kill one or two people in Australia per year as well, and the average is only a little higher for crocodiles.

    I lay back on my sleeping bag and comprehended what Google was saying. That all my life from a young age I’d been programmed to be fearful of something that was extremely unlikely to happen. 

    It dawned on me that my sense of alarm and my fastidious watchfulness was misplaced. It had taken years and years of reinforced programming to get me to a place that I couldn’t walk in the bush without being fearful.

    What a silly state to be in. I remembered that a couple of years ago I’d hiked through New Zealand and one of the truly delightful days was walking through grass as high as my waist without fear. There are no snakes in New Zealand. I’ve never forgotten the ecstasy of it.

    Reminding Ourselves About the Nature of Fear

    My realization about snakes also highlighted to me how heavily programmed fear can make us completely lose our perspective. We don’t even question whether what we fear has any basis at all. We don’t test it. We don’t think about it other than to react.

    Albert Einstein said that we must not stop questioning, and this applies when we feel fear. We should question it, investigate the nature of it, and test our preprogramed and sometimes deeply subconscious hypothesis about the ways we should live our lives.

    Sometimes the result of our investigation will be that our fears are founded. For example, we probably should be fearful of walking across a canyon on a tightrope. But what if there’s no rational explanation?

    What if there’s a brilliant world out there that we are not experiencing to the fullest in this very short time on earth?

    We have some tough genetic programming to overcome. Our brains are used to looking for threats in the environment. In the past it was a tiger, now it’s whatever we deem threatening.

    I was recently doing some research on fish and found a study examining whether fish experience pain. It turns out that even fish avoid objects that have previously caused them pain.

    Our natural animal instinct is to avoid what has hurt us before or, similarly, what we perceive could hurt us in the future. Our alarm mechanisms are inbuilt.

    We also live in a complex world full of stimulation, and it’s hard for our brains to keep up with what is a true threat such as a car heading straight for us and what’s not. There’s just so much for our minds to deal with.

    The good news is that we are equipped with tools such as logic, information, and awareness to help us overcome our fears.

    I’m finding the more I confront my fears and do the opposite of what they are warning against, the more my consciousness understands that these things are a programmed mirage.

    I know we’ve all heard this wisdom, we all inherently know that most fears have no basis in reality, but my little snake adventure reminded me that I don’t often apply this knowledge to my everyday life. So this time I decided that it was about time that I did.

    So how does a woman who has treaded heavily all her life for fear of sticks learn to live again? I’ll tell you how I learned. Later that night I had to go to the bathroom and I ventured outside my tent, turned off the torch, and walked—not stomped, walked.

    I drank in the vision of the moonlight touching the gum trees, the lake, the rough dry land and it was glorious. That’s how.

    Face everything and rise image via Shutterstock

  • The Bright Side of Having Little Money: 9 Reasons to Stay Upbeat

    The Bright Side of Having Little Money: 9 Reasons to Stay Upbeat

    Piggy Bank in the Sun

    “If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy.” ~Proverb

    Ever been in a bad money situation?

    Life might have been cushy before, but all of a sudden you find yourself having to carefully watch your spending. You start worrying about how to make ends meet.

    You’re unable to afford the luxuries you’ve grown accustomed to—the ones you used to take for granted, like a Starbucks coffee or a meal at a restaurant.

    I found myself in such a situation not too long ago.

    I used to have a well-paid corporate job that allowed me to spend my time shopping, partying, and going on weekend trips with friends. It was a comfortable life, yet I couldn’t shake the lack of fulfillment I felt.

    Every so often I thought about my big dream—the one I hadn’t realized yet. You know the dream that scares you to the core, makes your palms sweat, and your heart beat faster? Yep, that’s the one.

    Finally, I made the decision to be brave and take action. For me, that meant moving to New York City and starting a business. Luckily my sister had a similar vision, and our paths crossed perfectly.

    My plan was to live for a few months off my savings. I didn’t know much about my sister’s financial situation, but let’s just say that working six months for free in New York doesn’t leave you with much.

    She had tried to tell me that she was struggling financially. I told her not to worry—that we were in this together and we’d work it out. When we met up in New York City, however, her bank account contained exactly $1. I knew it was bad, but not that bad.

    So there we were, in one of the most expensive cities on earth, with no place to stay, no job, no long-term visa, and only my savings to live on.

    This experience pushed me way out of my familiar boundaries. I had to lower the bar on my comfort zone as well as my dignity—which I realized when I had to ask an ex-Tinder date if my sister and I could crash in his apartment for a few nights.

    But my New York City adventure also taught me lots of valuable lessons. I learned to look past the difficulties of having little money to the positive aspects of it (and there are plenty, I promise). This is what I learned.

    1. You connect with people.

    When you lack money, you become more dependent on others. Some see this as a painful experience, but it can actually help you strengthen your connections.

    Allowing others to be there in moments of difficulty isn’t always easy (hello, pride). But by sharing your vulnerability, you give others permission to do the same. When you allow others to be there for you, you open up to deeper connections.

    Also, believe it or not, allowing someone else do us a favor actually leads them to like us more as a result. This is called the Benjamin Franklin Effect. Basically, we justify the favor we did for someone by telling ourselves that we did it because we like the person.

    2. You realize your fears were overblown.

    Not having enough money can be a great fear for many people. Our minds tend to imagine everything that can go wrong, and build up our negative expectations.

    My mind went crazy when I realized what we were dealing with financially. It told me that I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent, so I’d end up on the street. That I’d lose all my friends now that I couldn’t afford to go out, and that I was at risk of starvation and potential death.

    None of my fears came true. The point is that reality is rarely as bad as we imagine it will be. Most of the scenarios we make up exist in one place only: our imagination.

    3. You tap into your inner strength.

    When things around you are uncertain and unstable, you can’t hang on to anything or anyone else but yourself. Others can help, but when life isn’t easy, you simply have to tap into your inner strength.

    Needing external things and people to be a certain way in order for you to feel strong is a recipe for disappointment. They are out of your control. You are the only thing you can control in this world; it’s the only place from which you can draw true and lasting strength.

    4. You become more grateful.

    When you can no longer afford the small things you used to take for granted, you become more grateful for the moments when you can afford them.

    Drinking a coffee you take for granted and drinking one you sincerely appreciate are two very different experiences. In the end, happiness isn’t derived from what we are able to buy, but from the gratitude and appreciation we are able to cultivate from our experiences.

    5. You realize you already live in abundance.

    Sometimes we need to experience what we think is lack in order for the abundance to appear. The abundance is there—we just need to tune into it.

    Just think about it. The sun rises every morning; birds keep on singing and food keeps on growing on our planet. We have roads to walk on, parks to spend time in and people around us to have interesting conversations with.

    Having little money can make you appreciate what you still have in life, even the little things you never used to think much about.

    6. You spend less time doubting.

    I used to spend a considerable amount of time every day comparing and second-guessing all the options available to me. What to eat for lunch, where to go on a night out, what bag to buy, and so on.

    Don’t get me wrong, having options is good—but too many can be overwhelming. Less money means fewer options. This leaves little room for doubt or dwelling on the alternatives. You simply have to accept the options available to you, and as you get on with your life, you realize they’re just fine.

    7. You become more creative.

    Constraints make you creative. When you are faced with limitations you’re required to find new ways of making things work. You start looking outside the box for alternative solutions.

    For my sister and me, that meant becoming creative with our accommodations. Paying rent was simply not an option (unless we wanted to spend all of our money on that and come back home broke). So instead of living in our own place, we spent our time housesitting, babysitting, and dogsitting for people just to keep a roof over our heads.

    8. You make the most of your time.

    When a situation is unsustainable, a sense of urgency arises. Something needs to happen for the current condition to improve. Suddenly, every hour counts.

    My New York City experience made me realize that I need to make the most of my time and stop wasting it on things that don’t bring real value. That means no more days in which all I’m doing is waiting for those days to pass.

    9. You realize the importance of choice.

    Money makes us comfortable. When we are comfortable, it’s easier to not make proactive choices. Choosing means excluding something; therefore, choosing not to choose becomes the easy way out.

    When you’re not numbed by the comfort of money, life gets very real. Every choice you make (or don’t make) either moves you in the direction of what you want or not. The importance of choice becomes more evident.

    Keep Looking on the Bright Side

    Let’s be honest. Staying upbeat when you have little money isn’t easy. Reminders of your financial situation are constantly there, in the cup of coffee you buy, the unexpected bill you receive, or the craving you have for that unaffordable vacation.

    Seeing the bright side of a difficult situation isn’t a quality you either have or don’t have—it’s a choice you make and a skill you can develop. You can learn to make the choice to not let your happiness depend on external things, such as money.

    You deserve to feel good no matter the status of your bank account. To help you stay cheerful, keep reminding yourself of these nine things. Make a choice right now to proactively focus on what is good in your life.

    While you work on improving your financial situation, I encourage you to take advantage of the positive aspects of having little money—connect with people, tap into your most creative self, and make the best of the time you have by not over-thinking your options.

    And always remember this. It doesn’t matter where you are today, as long as you know where you’re going.

    Piggy bank in the sun image via Shutterstock

  • You Must Learn to Let Go

    You Must Learn to Let Go

    Learn to Let Go

  • 31 Ways to Appreciate The Present Moment and Feel Happier Right Now

    31 Ways to Appreciate The Present Moment and Feel Happier Right Now

    “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” ~Arthur Ashe

    It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

    You dream of a life where you have more freedom—your work nourishes your mind and soul, your home is organized, and you have ample time to exercise and eat right.

    It’s not that your current situation is awful, but you long to do more of the things you love. Yet when you contemplate radical changes, your heart rate quickens, and you convince yourself it’s just not the right time.

    So you keep waiting for the big moment when you can make that big change that will lead to happiness.

    Well, you’re wasting your time …

    Our ability to feel happier comes from inside ourselves, not from external circumstances. You don’t need to quit your job, move to an exotic location, or lose weight to be happy. You can embody happiness right now.

    Over the years, I’ve gotten better at aligning my life activities with my purpose.

    I teach at my own yoga studio. I assumed this would make me happy 100% of the time, but I get derailed sometimes. I ruminate about the small things like our cluttered house and the endless details of running a yoga studio. I forget the big picture. I forget all that I have. I get grumpy and start to nitpick.

    I have to catch myself and find my happiness from within again. It might take a few minutes, hours, or days, but I use these mini-habits to help me get there. They cost little to nothing and are portable.

    No matter your situation, you can start right now. The following habits will help you stand a little taller, smile from your heart, and shine a little brighter.

    For Your Mind

    1. Breathe deeply.

    Inhale deeply, and exhale completely ten times. Deep breathing slows your thoughts, relaxes your nervous system, and brings you closer to your own intuition.

    2. Use a mantra to change your mind-set.

    Sha is a Sanskrit root word meaning peace, as in “shanti.” Say “sham” slowly ten to twenty times. By combining sound, breath, and rhythm, mantra channels the flow of energy through the mind-body circuit and calms your nervous system and mind.

    3. Zone out.

    Spend a few minutes daydreaming. Your logical mind, the prefrontal cortex, is constantly planning, analyzing, and thinking about the future. Give it a rest and just be for a little while; you’ll feel refreshed.

    4. Express your love.

    Write a note or tell a loved one how you appreciate them. Communicating positive emotions lowers stress hormones, bad cholesterol, and blood pressure, and it strengthens immunity.

    5. Rejuvenate your mind.

    Close your eyes for a few moments. What do you see in the darkness of your mind’s eye? Notice the patterns that form. This is a simple meditation that rejuvenates and refocuses your tired mind.

    6. Explore healing aromas.

    Plants like rosemary, lavender, and sage can improve our moods. Create your own natural spa. Put your favorite essential oils in a spray bottle with a little water.

    7. Swap a thought.

    Make a list of your positive traits and attributes. When you criticize yourself, refer to this list. Keep this pattern up and you’ll transform your inner dialogue.

    8. Allow yourself to be.

    Accept all your feelings about your present situation. They are valid, whether you like them or not. Accepting your current situation is the first step to feeling happier.

    9. Loving-kindness meditation.

    Loving-kindness builds positive emotions, which increases mindfulness and purpose in life. Spend a few minutes letting feelings of love and kindness for someone wash over you.

    10. Meditate.

    When thoughts come, return to your breath without judging. Deep breathing clears your mind and decreases your stress levels, which will allow you to feel happier.

    11. Declutter one spot.

    Declutter one surface or area. Starting small is easier. But when your home and workspace are clear from clutter, your mind feels more spacious.

    For Your Body

    12. Lighten up.

    Once a day, laugh at yourself. When you make a mistake, see the humor in your error. Laughing is great medicine, it improves your mood, and it relieves stress and tension.

    13. Stretch your body.

    Sitting in a chair? Push away from your desk. Inhale, and as you exhale, bend forward, moving your ribs toward your thighs. Breathe deeply. Get out of your mind and into your body and the present moment.

    14. Stretch your breath.

    Hold onto the back of your chair and take slow, long breaths. This opens up your rib cage and lungs, allowing you to breathe more deeply. The added oxygen to your brain will make you feel alive and alert.

    15. Give yourself a massage.

    Use coconut oil or sesame oil on your skin, massage it on your whole body, and then take a warm shower to help your skin absorb the oil. This is a home spa treatment that is used all over India. Touch is calming, and you can reap its benefits without buying expensive massages.

    16. Take a bath.

    Relax and enjoy the simple pleasure of a warm bath. Light some candles and put on your favorite music.  Soothe your body with this simple ritual. Why dream about getting away when you can create a calming environment in your home?

    17. Place your palms over your eyelids.

    This relaxes your eyes and mind. This is especially helpful if you have a headache or feel fatigued.

    18. Practice Yoga Nidra (Yogic Sleep).

    Take ten minutes to relax your whole body completely and then each part of your body in turn. This magical practice is as efficient as taking a longer nap.

    19. Eat with complete attention.

    Put away all your screens. Savor your meal by noticing all its tastes and textures. You’ll improve your digestion and feel more relaxed as a result.

    20. Move every day.

    Even if you have very little time. You only need five minutes to stretch or walk outside. Building a little movement into your day is better for your health than one longer weekly workout.

    21. Hug someone or something.

    Like your friend, pet, or even yourself. Soothing touch is relaxing and calming.

    For Your Spirit

    22. Stop and pay attention.

    Are birds chirping? Horns blasting? Voices passing? Notice your world right now and see the beauty that is unfolding under your nose. You’ll feel a little better about your situation.

    23. Make a mini-gratitude list.

    What are three things from the past twenty-four hours that can go on your list? Making gratitude a permanent trait is proven to make us happier and healthier, and live longer.

    24. Give thanks for your meals.

    Saying thanks for having enough will remind you of how much you have. Remember that eight million people don’t have enough food to lead a healthy, active life.

    25. Get outside and unplug.

    Spend time outdoors without your digital devices. Notice the small details of your surroundings—the flowers, the trees, even the small ants on the sidewalk. You’ll feel peaceful and calm as a result.

    26. Spend time with friends.

    Socializing is a secret of the world’s longest-lived people. Set a weekly meeting. Go for a walk, drink tea, or simply enjoy each others’ presence.

    27. Listen.

    When people talk, listen to them. Be 100% present with your company and you’ll get their appreciation in return.

    28. Love your furry friends.

    They can be our best friends and show undying loyalty. Spending time petting a dog can improve your mood and even strengthen your heart.

    29. Find a beautiful natural thing around you.

    Pick a flower, leaf, twig, or fruit. Remind yourself of all the natural wonders that surround you right now. It’s easy to overlook the beauty in the present moment.

    30. Take a mini-vacation.

    Once a week, I take my toddler and dog to the park for a picnic lunch. We relax and listen to the birds. Leave your busy life for a few moments to be with loved ones who are crucial to your happiness.

    31. Give a little bit.

    Carry canned food for people asking for food.  Make eye contact. Recognize the common human spirit in every person you meet, right in your neighborhood.

    The Secret That Holds The Key To Your Happiness

    Your happiness isn’t dependent on where you live, how much you weigh, or what you do for work. The key to happiness is appreciating what you have at this moment. Sure, we all want to make changes sometimes. But one change, no matter how big, is unlikely to transform misery into elation.

    Small things that help you appreciate yourself, your loved ones, and the world around you will add up to big changes in your mindset.

    Pick a couple practices from each category. Write them down. Post them on your mirror so that you remind yourself each morning.

    Schedule the activities in your calendar.  Even if they take five minutes, this daily reminder will prompt your memory.

    And don’t forget to inhale the sweet fragrance of the jasmine that is blooming right under your nose.

    Ahh, doesn’t it smell delicious?

  • Be You

    Be You

    Be You

  • How To Stop Being A Slave To Your Emotions

    How To Stop Being A Slave To Your Emotions

    Emotions

    “I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ~ Oscar Wilde

    Would you describe yourself as emotional?

    Do you feel like your mood can change instantly according to what happens in your day?

    Then you may be a slave to your emotions.

    Being an emotional person and leading with the heart can both be great qualities. Leaning into our feelings allows us to be more self-aware and helps connect us to others. But if we allow our emotions to dictate how we live our lives, it can lead to anxiety, depression, and even have a negative impact on our health and relationships.

    As an empathetic person who feels things deeply, I have learned this lesson the hard way.

    It took me many years to grasp the concept that all emotions stem from thought. As a young woman with low self-esteem, I didn’t realize that my negative self-talk and sensitivity to others’ opinions were having a profound effect on my emotions and moods.

    After years of faulty thinking about who I was and what I had to offer in life, I found myself in my doctor’s office clutching a prescription for anti-depressants. My emotions had officially taken control of my life.

    At the time I had no idea that each negative thought was having a compound effect on how I viewed myself and my life.

    The older and wiser me has learned to be very aware of my emotions and to check in with myself on several levels before allowing them to have the final say.

    Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the years to help me manage my emotions rather than allowing them to lead the way. 

    Validate your emotions first.

    When you find yourself riding the wave of emotion, it’s important not to dismiss those feelings. Emotions can be a lot like unruly children in need of attention. Once we validate them, we allow them to be seen and have a voice.

    Feeling our emotions is an important part of life; it’s what we do with them that can create problems.

    For example, if I’m feeling bored, sad, or lonely, I tend to turn to food for comfort. This usually doesn’t end well. As I gain weight I then feel even worse because now my self-esteem suffers. Leaning into my emotions instead of numbing them with food has been a huge part of my process.

    When we validate our emotions, we become more aware and accepting of them, and we begin to understand where they come from. It’s only in this place of awareness that we can see what power they may hold over us. 

    Be aware of your triggers.

    If you know you struggle with specific emotions, such as anger, jealousy, or fear, try to become aware of the circumstances that trigger them.

    In my own life, I have learned that I often feel angry when I am disrespected or unappreciated. So if I ask my kids several times to do something and they ignore me, I feel anger beginning to rise inside.

    Not too long ago I would have given in to the emotion and started to shout, whereas nowadays I’m able to tune in to the preceding thought—they don’t respect me—recognize that it isn’t true, and avert the anger. 

    Awareness is power; it gives us the control to choose how we respond.

    Always remember that emotion is derived from thought. If we find ourselves experiencing strong emotions, it’s helpful to examine the thoughts that preceded them. Then ask the question, are these thoughts based on truth, or my perception of the truth? 

    Write it down.

    One of the biggest tools in helping me deal with my emotions has been to write them down. I have been journaling daily for about three years now, always asking questions about my emotions and trying to dig beneath the surface-level thoughts.

    If I feel at the mercy of my emotions, I’ll ask a simple question in my journal, such as, why do I feel so overwhelmed today? From there I can work back through the sequence of events and thoughts that have led me there.

    I will then ask a positive action question to engage with another emotion, such as, what is one positive thing I can do for myself right now?

    If you don’t have time to write, try to at least ask the questions.

    Take responsibility.

    How many times have you told someone that his or her actions made you feel a certain way? For example, “You made me angry when you were late.”

    It’s true that other people’s words and actions affect us, but we also need to take responsibility for the emotions we feel in response to those words and actions. No one can make you feel anything; it’s always your choice.

    So often the reactive emotions we feel are based on our own perception of the truth, and on the things that matter to us. Being late may be one of your triggers for anger, but for someone else it may be their norm and no big deal.

    Consider also that people act a certain way based on many influences that differ from your own, such as culture, upbringing, beliefs, and life experiences.

    Take time away.

    When you’re strongly connecting with a negative reactive emotion, it’s important to take time away from the person or situation you are reacting to. Never act on strong emotion. Wait until you are feeling calm and have given yourself time to rationalize and think. Only then should you act. 

    Even if the emotion is a positive one, it can still lead you down a destructive path. How many times have you done something you later regret in the name of love?

    Create your mantra.

    It’s easy to say, “Take time away,” but hard to do in the heat of the moment. If I find myself beginning to anger and I’m not able or quick enough to remove myself from the situation, I try to connect with my mantra. A mantra is just a word or short phrase that helps you become aware of your emotion and not be controlled by it.

    The word I use is “soft” because I associate this with a gentle temperament. For you it may be something completely different, depending on the emotion you are most reactive to.

    Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you are not your emotions—you have the ability to decide if they lead you or if you lead them.

    As you build awareness and learn to recognize your triggers, you will become increasingly savvy about when your emotions are serving you well and when you may need to take charge of them.

    Emotions image via Shutterstock

  • You Are Not A Fraud and You Deserve the Praise You Receive

    You Are Not A Fraud and You Deserve the Praise You Receive

    Woman Taking Off a Man's Mask

    “If you are what you should be you will set the whole world ablaze.” ~St. Catherine of Siena

    My usual morning routine consists of arriving at work, making a cup of tea, reading a daily inspirational quote, and then getting started with the days’ assignments.

    Every thirty minutes or so, my brain snaps away from the task at hand into a deep craving for advice. It’s the reason I read a daily quote and the reason I get my daily Tiny Buddha articles. It’s what I spend the majority of my free time exploring.

    So, every thirty minutes or so I pull up the Internet browser and type in the search bar something along the lines of “practicing positivity,” “overcoming self-doubt,” “finding forgiveness,” or “letting go of the past.”

    The war I am fighting with the negative tendencies of my brain is never-ending and largely supported by the online communities of people who feel much like I do.

    The most important and influential people in my life are the ones who aren’t afraid to show me their vulnerability. I like to hear their stories and learn from their experiences.

    Now, that seems to go against my own goal to be absolutely perfect. I don’t admire anyone who is “perfect.” Only those who are quite imperfect and willing to admit it.

    Still, I have a hard time trusting that someone would enjoy being in my company for more than an afternoon. I’ve pushed away the people who love me because I don’t feel like I deserve their affection. Any admiration received is for some woman I cannot identify with.

    If they stick around long enough, they’ll realize just how wrong they’ve been and sprint off in the other direction, leaving me here alone and utterly inadequate.

    I am very much aware that I need to approve of myself before anyone else can. All of my free time is dedicated to cultivating self-love. My inner critic makes this journey a long and difficult one, though.

    Today’s Internet search on self-love brought me to a new diagnosis, if you will.

    Imposter Syndrome.

    Now, I’ve never heard of this, so I read an article or two to catch up. Basically, it’s the idea that what other people are seeing when you accomplish great things is not actually you. It is an imposter or fraud.

    Someday they’ll discover it and realize that you are just average…or even less than that. You are not worthy of the attention, awards, or affection. When they wake up and see the real you, you will be cast aside.

    This is particularly common among high achieving women. We feel so unworthy of our accomplishments that we refuse to accept the praise. We push it off saying that others just don’t really know us.

    We refuse to accept compliments.

    Sound familiar?

    Many successful women in our society have been shown to exhibit these feelings of inadequacy. Maya Angelou, Tina Fey, and Marilyn Monroe, among many others, have all admitted to feeling as though they don’t deserve the positive reactions to their work at some point or another.

    And what about me? From the outside looking in, I’m not the unlovable failure that I so often believe myself to be.

    I graduated from a major university with outstanding grades.

    I moved across the country without a job or a clue and still managed to support myself.

    I have won the appreciation from my boss and am regarded as an asset in my company.

    I was recently invited to serve in the Peace Corps and plan on moving to Africa in August.

    I volunteer with the Red Cross and teach English to immigrants.

    I am beautiful and strong and intelligent and kind.

    Still, I manage to attribute my accomplishments to a little bit of luck and a lot of misinterpretation.  

    These positive things aren’t happening to me because I went out and followed my dreams. It’s because a scared little girl has been dog-paddling her way through life, head barely above water, and has managed to portray herself in a way that is pleasing to others.

    I think this does come from the constant need to impress others.

    We start to project a version of ourselves that doesn’t feel natural simply because we think that’s who we have to be. We may end up being motivated solely by praise and approval, not from the wisdom and longing of our hearts.

    If we don’t open up to the vulnerability of being real, the feeling of falseness will linger over all that we accomplish.

    Many people don’t know themselves well enough to even recognize if they are following their heart.

    Being comfortable in your own skin requires you to dig deep and take the time to learn what makes you joyful.

    We have to be serious about getting to know ourselves if we want to love who we are.

    In the case of Imposter Syndrome, who is right? Me or the rest of the world?

    My opinion about myself is my only truth. It doesn’t matter how many truckloads of affection can be dumped onto my lap. If I can’t see it, it does not exist.

    How are we supposed to change our perceptions? We can start with the human folly of comparison.

    We judge ourselves compared to perfection, not other people. We imagine Oprah and Mother Teresa to be shining beacons of perfection, but they aren’t. They are human.

    We don’t have to be perfect to bring something meaningful to the world. In fact, perfection is an indescribable state because it does not even exist. We should take a stand to delete that devilish word from our vocabulary.

    What human, animal, or plant exists in flawlessness?

    Even the most beautiful flower may have a single petal that is misshapen or browned, but does that make it unworthy of praise? Should it go unnoticed?

    In contrast, have you ever know anything to be 100% bad? You can find fatherly love in a dictator if you are willing to look for it.

    When humanity can wake up and realize that we are as much the good as we are the embarrassing and painful mistakes, maybe we won’t worry if people are only seeing one side of us. We cannot accept parts of ourselves and deny others without becoming only half of a person.

    Usually, I move forward with the idea that as long as I am alive, there is time to learn more. As long as I am curious about something, anything, that is one thing more important than feeling sorry for myself.

    Luckily for me, curiosity burns strong in my heart. Today, I’m curious about self-love and confidence mixed together with wonder about our Universe and scientific discoveries.

    The more I focus on the things that I have, the less I worry about the things I am missing. That is what practicing gratitude is all about and why it is recommended almost anywhere in the self-help community.

    Upon closing, I find it relevant to say that writing this has been therapeutic for me, especially when I took the time to list some of my accomplishments. It really felt like I was writing about someone else. I’m not an imposter, though.

    Somewhere along the lines we were told it is sinful to feel pride. However, it is only when you allow yourself to feel the pride that comes with accomplishing mighty works that you can start to see the inner beauty shining through.

    Now it is your turn. Identify five or more things you have accomplished and for which you have received some sort of recognition. Write out what compliments were given and then sit with it. Try to relax into the feeling.

    Maybe you are a single mother working hard to provide for your family when you have no idea how.

    Maybe you are a musician or artist unsure if your style will make it out there in the critical world.

    Maybe you’re a young writer submitting your first piece, oblivious if your words will have meaning to another.

    None of us know. That’s part of the beauty that connects us. Your bravery is admirable, even when you feel like a failure.

    Be open to the possibility that even though you are not perfect, you can still be remarkable. And you are.

  • Let Go of Your Unhelpful Story: Accept, Surrender, and Move On

    Let Go of Your Unhelpful Story: Accept, Surrender, and Move On

    Man in Lotus Position

    “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I recently discovered just how powerful our thoughts can be. I learned that it doesn’t take time for us to accept our current situation; it simply takes a shift in our perceptions and a change in the stories we tell ourselves.

    The catalyst for this realization was sent to me, in a small envelope placed under the windscreen wipers of my car. Yes, it came in the form of a parking ticket.

    At first I was shocked and quite disappointed in myself for getting a parking ticket.

    As I drove home, I found myself building a story in my head: It’s so unfair. I didn’t realize it was rear-to-curb parking only. Other people were parked the same way and they didn’t have tickets. Why me?

    I saw the parking ticket as an attack against me personally, as an indicator that I wasn’t good enough. I was beating myself up and couldn’t understand why I had been fined.

    But then I stopped. I dug a little deeper and tried to unravel why I was feeling so upset. I realized I was making something insignificant into a really big deal.

    I was building a story that did not serve me at all. I was too attached to the current situation.

    The parking attendant didn’t know me personally; he was just doing his job. There was no one else that I could blame for the ticket; I had parked incorrectly and it was only fair that I received a ticket for doing so.

    Once I realized this, I was able to take a step back, and I thought to myself, You know what? It doesn’t matter what story I create. I’m still going to have to pay this fine. I may as well accept it and move on.

    There was no need for me to be so upset, and the only way to move past how unhappy I felt was to change my thoughts.

    In the last few years, as I’ve delved into self-study and spiritual enquiry, I’ve read a lot about the power of non-attachment and our ability to create our reality through our thoughts.

    Hundreds of articles, books, presentations, and videos all encouraged me to become aware of my thoughts, and to watch whether the stories in my mind serve me or take me further away from where I want to be.

    But I had never really put it into practice. At least not until the day I received my first parking ticket.

    As I drove home, I paid very little attention to the road in front of me because I was so caught up in my story about how unfair the whole situation was. Then suddenly a switch flicked inside my mind.

    It was probably the first time that I have truly been aware of my thoughts. I felt like an observer, watching my mind race and witnessing the birth of a new story.

    This sense of awareness made me realize how frequently I create stories in my head and how often I take something insignificant and turn it into something huge. I’ve learned how frequently I create drama and complications in my life.

    It’s certainly true that we can’t always control the situations we find ourselves in and we definitely can’t always control what happens to us. But it’s also true that we can control how we react. 

    When I realized just how petty my reaction was, I was able to shift my train of thought completely.

    I learned that we don’t have to waste twenty minutes or a whole day (or longer) creating stories that get us nowhere. We don’t have to turn a minor annoyance into a huge drama.

    Things can be so much simpler. We can accept what happens, even if we don’t like it.

    We can just watch as something happens, without making it into a personal problem that needs to be solved.

    We can be humbled by our errors rather than trying to shift the blame and pass off any consequences.

    We can accept, surrender, and move on. We don’t have to attach our happiness or sense of self to everything that happens in our lives. 

    The next time (and I know there will be a next time) something I don’t like happens, I will do my best to not take it personally.

    I will bring awareness to my thoughts and I will stop myself from creating a useless and unhelpful story. I will accept the situation, as it is, and I will try to keep my reaction cool, calm, and collected.

    I will react in a way that doesn’t cause undue stress or unhappiness.

    You too have the power to control how you react to the situations that unfold around you. You can bring awareness to your thoughts and to the stories your mind creates. And you can uncover a new sense of awareness and non-attachment without first needing to pay a fine.

    Man in lotus position image via Shutterstock

  • Don’t Let Your Bruised Ego Keep You Down When You Fall

    Don’t Let Your Bruised Ego Keep You Down When You Fall

    Man Climbing Up

    “If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.” ~Chinese Proverb

    My niece is three years old. I get to video chat with her daily. During our interactions, she loves to show me, with tremendous happiness and pride, her new toys, her new dresses, and the various sounds her scooter is capable of making.

    One day, a few months ago, as she was enthusiastically getting her scooter near the screen, she tripped and fell, albeit with no serious consequences. What I learned from this event has been gratifying.

    After she fell, she sat there on the floor for about a second or two without knowing what to do.

    She then looked up, squirmed a little, and was about to start crying (just because my sister had seen her fall), when my sister told her reassuringly, “Nothing happened, get up!”

    And there the little child was, up on her happy feet again, flaunting her scooter with a big smile on her face.

    I realized then that many times, we too, as adults, trip and fall. We are left dazed and shaken. We sometimes force ourselves into a haze of self-pity, dejection, and depression. It can seem worse when other people see us fall. The pain is so much greater when it comes with a bruised ego!

    We start thinking we are the only ones struggling so much. We fail to understand what’s happening in our life and what to do about it. In short, we feel like losers.

    One such similar incident happened with me.

    I landed a job at a startup firm soon after my graduation, and it meant a lot to me. Obviously! It was my first job and I was so excited about it—about moving out on my own and getting to live the life I had been waiting for.

    Then, within weeks, I realized I was at the wrong place. I initially tried to ward off my apprehensions as mere jitters. But then the frustration, stress, and pressure reduced me to a bag of sick emotions. My self-confidence took a tremendous beating, and I started crying myself to sleep every single night.

    It was then that I realized something important about myself as a person: There is nothing in this world that can make me sit glued in front of a computer screen for hours, from morning to night. That just isn’t me.

    I realized I wasn’t excited about the work I was doing. My value system wanted me to do something that felt more meaningful to me (like teaching, or working in an NGO, or even taking up public interest lawyering).

    As I saw it then and as I see it now, we get to live just once, and I can’t spend all my time in making a living, forgetting to make a life!

    I realized I wanted to follow my passions, my deepest yearnings, and the deepest desires of my soul.

    In those two months, I hadn’t written a word for myself (writing is something close to my heart), I hadn’t pursued music (which I desperately wanted to do), and moreover, I hadn’t made time for reading (another passion of mine). This pushed me even deeper into the abyss.

    Because of these incongruences between my personal value system and my life and work, I lost self-respect, lost trust in my professional abilities, lost faith in my own skills, and above all, lost faith in myself.

    I was shattered. I knew that I had to quit that job as soon as possible. Friends and family advised me to stay for a year so that it would augur well on my CV. But my sanity was at stake. I had fallen, and terribly at that, and I had to pick myself up by hook or crook. Of course, there was a catch.

    I didn’t quit the job right away because I felt even more miserable thinking about what my relatives, friends, and lecturers would think about me if I left within two months of starting.

    I imagined people gossiping about me in hushed voices, and I worried about what my juniors—many of whom idolized me—would think about me.

    I was worn out, until I decided to follow my heart and not my head. I had tripped and fallen, and it was time that I picked my spirits up and moved on.

    It was time I told myself, “Nothing happened, get up!” And, thank goodness, at last I did.

    Months after this incident, I feel stronger, more self-aware, and more humble.

    I have come to strongly believe that with any difficulty—be it a break-up, rejection, or mid-life crisis—we can choose how we think about it and what we do in response.

    We can choose to stop for a while, analyze the situation, and to accept it completely, without trying to reject or blame ourselves or our circumstances. And by doing this, we can be a lot more peaceful within ourselves.

    It is during such challenging times that we need to awaken that voice inside us that reassuringly prompts us to accept and get up, so we don’t find ourselves sobbing even longer, just because we fell down and everyone saw.

    I’ve thus realized that a happy life is not a problem-free, perfect life. Instead, a happy life is that which we aren’t afraid to face, knowing that every time it knocks us down, we can and will get back up.

    Man climbing image via Shutterstock

  • Healing from Abuse and Feeling Happy and Whole Again

    Healing from Abuse and Feeling Happy and Whole Again

    Woman Standing in the Sun

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.

    “Scars tell us where we’ve been. They don’t have to dictate where we’re going.” ~David Rossi, Criminal Minds

    When I was in my mid-fifties, I ordered cable television for the first time in my life.

    My husband and I had raised our two sons mostly without TV, but now they were grown and on their own. My husband and I were divorced, and I had moved to a secluded place on the high desert to pursue a writing career.

    My Internet service offered a cable option, so I figured what the hell.

    Reviving the Past Through Television

    One evening, while clicking through the dizzying number of channels, I landed on the series Criminal Minds. Before I knew it, I was hooked.

    For several months, I became consumed with this fictional team of FBI profilers as they tracked down murderers and rapists, probing the very darkest corners of the human mind.

    Sometimes I broke down sobbing. Other times I felt consumed with rage. Usually, these episodes included a young boy or girl who had been raped, molested, or brutalized at the hands of someone, often someone they knew and trusted.

    These weren’t exactly buried memories coming to the surface. My paternal grandfather raped and molested me from an age so young I can’t remember not being abused.

    I was one of the lucky ones though. My grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack when I was seven years old.

    What I didn’t realize even after years of therapy and journaling is how profoundly that early experience affected my life.

    I had taken writing workshops for women survivors of sexual abuse and had been in and out of therapy. For the most part, though, I pushed it to the back of my mind and didn’t talk about it, determined to not let my past define who I became.

    At times I even became scornful of adult survivors of childhood abuse. When do you just become an adult and not a victim? I would respond. When do you move on?

    Like I had.

    And, yet, I kept people at a distance. I had severe night terrors. Some years they were more frequent than others.

    My husband and I had loud, angry arguments. Once I hurled a jar of salsa at his pickup truck. I was barely able to suppress a rage that seemed to simmer just below the surface.

    But I was also practically incapable of standing up for myself and frequently felt overwhelmed and stressed out by life. This wasn’t the way I wanted to live. I was on a quest to find happiness and joy, but at the time it seemed like some highly unattainable goal.

    Taking Steps Through Conscious Choices

    However, I did consciously work on my issues. Then, when I was forty-five, I moved to China to teach English, and in a small Taoist temple next to the Nandu River on Hainan Island I began to meditate.

    Slowly, my inner self began to change. And in response, so did my outer world.

    My husband and I parted ways, and I built a successful freelance writing career. I met a widower and decided to give love another chance. One day I realized I was truly enjoying the journey and was no longer grasping at some elusive sense of happiness. I was happy.

    Then I ordered cable.

    Healing Through Memory

    Every day as I watched rerun after rerun of Criminal Minds, clear, vivid images began to surface. Strange as it sounds, I believe meditation prepared me to take a lesson from that TV show.

    I could no longer diminish what had happened. Sometimes the fragments were so clear I could see the shoes and socks I was wearing as I followed my grandfather, like a sheep to the slaughter, out to the shed behind the farmhouse in Ohio.

    I saw my grandmother watching from the kitchen window and realized she knew exactly what was going on, yet did nothing to protect me.

    And I remembered inside the shed. The horseshoe—for good luck—nailed over the door. The windows looked so high, but I loved the way the light poured in through the glass and how the dust motes floated in the air. I felt like I was one of them, light and free, high above my body, circling in the clear, clean sunlight.

    At times it felt like scenes that had happened fifty years ago had taken place yesterday.

    But I also felt a sense of peace in owning it. I had always remembered my abuse like I was watching a movie. Distant and far away.

    Now I felt it in my body. My cells remembered the fear and revulsion.

    Criminal Minds also helped me put words besides “grandpa” and “maybe not that bad” to what had happened. Now I could finally name it for what it really was.

    Grandpa became rapist. Pedophile. He became a man who should have been locked up for what he did to me and no doubt to many other girls during his lifetime. I may have been his last victim, but I’m sure I wasn’t his first.

    And Criminal Minds finally brought home to me what my own parents had never been able to give me: as a girl child, I should have been worth protecting.

    If I had been a boy I should have been worth protecting as well because both boys and girls can be victims of molest, and both men and women can be perpetrators.

    Gender, class, race, religion, or economics mean nothing when it comes to the levels of cruelty humans are able to inflict on one another.

    Fortunately, the same can also be said for kindness.

    The Path to Wholeness

    You too were worth protecting, and you too have the power to heal. It’s a lifetime journey, but it’s worth it.

    These are some of the things that have helped me over the years. May they help you too.

    Learn to trust appropriately.

    If you’ve been abused or molested, and particularly if it happened at a young age, trust will not come naturally to you. Chances are you have poor boundaries and may open up to the wrong people while pushing away those who can help.

    There’s no pat answer on how to develop trust, but do look for help among those who have experience with abuse.

    My healing began on the floor of a living room in Santa Cruz, California with ten other women pouring our experiences into journals and then reading them aloud to each other.

    Most important of all, trust yourself, your intuition, and your memories.

    Take care of your body.

    For most victims of assault, our bodies have become our enemies. Desires that should be normal and beautiful have been twisted into something sick and ugly, and often we blame ourselves.

    Many victims of rape and molestation develop eating disorders. Maybe you use weight as a barrier against the world, or maybe you’re anorexic as a way to feel some control over your life.

    If you practice good nutrition and exercise even if you don’t really believe you deserve it, you’ll become stronger and eventually your mind will catch up and accept that you are very much worth taking care of.

    Honor your many “I’s.”

    Disassociation is a common defense mechanism for children who are being abused. We go somewhere else.

    I became a dust fairy dancing in the sunlight. Maybe you retreated into fantasy or simply blanked out.

    If your memories of the event are sketchy, this may be why. The downside of disassociation is we feel fragmented, but the truth is, it may have saved your life. With help you can bring those disassociated selves together into one stunningly creative individual.

    Be proud of the courage and imagination it took you to survive.

    The journey toward wholeness is an exciting and gratifying path to follow. Finding a calm center to move out from will keep you safe as you travel through your past traumas.

    Woman standing in the sun image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Trying to Fit In and Finally Belong

    How to Stop Trying to Fit In and Finally Belong

    Puzzle People

    “Perhaps home is not a place, but simply an irrevocable condition.” ~James Baldwin

    It’s normal, isn’t it?

    Wanting to be accepted. Longing to feel at home. Hoping for that reassuring up-nod from the universe that says, “You’re one of us. And you get to stay.”

    So you try to fit in wherever it feels right. You get the job everyone approves of. You marry the person you’re supposed to. You say yes most of the time. And you’re as good as you’re supposed to be.

    You’ve jumped through every hoop and worn all the right masks, but it seems that all your efforts still aren’t good enough. You’re sick of trying to fit in. You just want to feel like you belong the way you truly are.

    I know what it’s like to ache for belonging.

    After six years in a convent as a teenager, I decided it was time to try life on my own. But when I stepped off the plane back home in Memphis, I didn’t feel like I was “home” at all. I was a complete stranger. Nothing seemed to fit.

    I was no longer the girl of fourteen my parents had sent away. But I certainly wasn’t the competent woman in her twenties that I now appeared to be, either.

    The convent where I had spent my youth never thought to give me a transition plan. They didn’t give me medical coverage. Nor did they give me a housing allowance or an education voucher. All they gave me was an orange sweater and a pair of jeans that were too big for me. I set out and had to wing it all on my own.

    Nothing could prepare me to rejoin a world I had never lived in. But even though I was short on book smarts, I picked up pretty quickly on all I needed to know to fit in. I learned that people don’t like you using their stuff. I discovered that men like a woman who’s up for anything. And I found that I got prettier when I drank.

    Acting how I thought I had to be only left me cheated and mistreated, with no friends and way too many hangovers.

    All I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were. To land on something familiar. To get my bearings. To feel at home.

    I had a long way to go . . . but I finally got there. Not to the address I left when I was fourteen, but at home with myself, which is where I always belonged.

    What Does It Take to Truly Belong

    Everybody tries to fit in because they desperately want to feel at home wherever they are. But fitting in will never get you home. Fitting in is about trying to adapt to a world that’s not your own. You don’t belong there.

    Belonging is about inhabiting the world as the real you. And the hard reality is that you’ll never fit in where you don’t belong. Here’s what it actually takes to truly belong where you’re meant to be—even if you don’t seem to fit in anywhere.

    1. You have to rock the boat.

    For the longest time, I hid the fact that I’d been in a convent. It was a complete embarrassment to me. I thought I would never be accepted if I led off with, “Hi, I’m Anne. I was in a convent.” It was scary being the black sheep, so I kept it a secret.

    But living like my whole life never happened became exhausting for me. I finally just rocked the boat and talked about it.

    Nothing shocked me more than the reactions I got. People thought I was trying to convert them. Or worse, recruit them! They stopped using profanity every time they saw me. They retorted with stories about crusty, old nuns hitting them with rulers in school. One guy even told me, “You’ll never be nasty enough to be with me.”

    When I rocked the boat, some people who were on board fell out. Surprisingly, though, the people who loved me never went away. And at last I felt completely at home in my own skin.

    Trying to fit in only molds you into what you think other people want to see. Stop trying to force yourself into someone else’s skin. Only when you can truly be the person you enjoy being can you finally belong where you’re meant to be.

    2. You have to build your dreams, not someone else’s.

    My first job out of the convent was typesetting at a print shop for $7.25 an hour. I was ecstatic. But I quickly learned that career climbing the “right way” meant I had to make more money. So I settled for being an executive assistant, a biologist, an editor, a music teacher, an environmental educator, and a whole lot more besides. I was rich, but I wasn’t doing what I truly wanted to do.

    I love to write. And inspire. And empower people. I can get a salary anywhere, but I don’t feel at home unless I’m doing what I love.

    Fitting in makes you an expert at doing what other people want. Stop trying to be accepted where you’re not allowed to fulfill your own desires. Belonging is all about actualizing your potential. You will always belong where you can follow the dreams of your heart.

    3. You have to forget the “cool people” and find your people.

    I was a bit of a good-time girl when I got home from the convent. Not because I was having such a great time, but because I was trying to fit in with the ones who thought they were. They were the cool people, and the cool people needed me.

    I felt worthwhile when they needed me to be their arm candy. I felt accepted when they needed me to bring the party favors. And I felt necessary when they needed me to be the designated driver.

    Funny thing, though. They didn’t need me when I wanted to be alone. They didn’t need me when I hung out with insightful people. But more and more, the insightful people started feeling like my people. They didn’t want a thing from me. They didn’t need me.

    They already treated me like I was important and acceptable. They convinced me that I was already necessary and worthwhile. They simply wanted me to grow and thrive. And I felt right at home with them.

    When you try to fit in with everybody who wants a piece of you, you open the floodgates to drama and neediness and negativity. And that stuff consumes you. Stop hanging out with people who consume you. You belong where people support and nourish the better parts of you.

    4. You have to make “me first” your mantra.

    I started out as a crowd-pleaser. It was so much easier to follow along and tell people what they wanted to hear. I fit in best when I said, “You come first.” It was all about them—whatever they wanted to hear and whatever they wanted to do.

    But fitting in with the crowd only made me lose myself. I finally got tired of bending over backwards for everybody else. I got sick of putting myself last.

    I knew I had opinions. I knew I had a voice and my own preferences. I knew that I mattered. So I began living that way.

    Fitting in makes you lose yourself to please the crowd. Stop putting everyone else before you. Belonging means that you matter just as much as anybody else does. Only when you know that you count enough to come first will you finally feel at home.

    5. You have to know that you’re already okay.

    When I got home from the convent, dating was a nightmare. I felt like I had to keep moving forward just to keep pace with everybody, like I was in some kind of race I never signed up for.

    “You’ve got a boyfriend! When are you getting married?” So I got married.

    Then it was, “You’ve been married three whole months! When are you having kids?” So I tried to have kids. But I couldn’t. Then all I heard was, “When are you visiting your doctor again?”

    In reality, I was done. I wanted kids, but after six years of untreated health conditions I was unable to. And I was devastated by this. I felt like I should keep trying because everyone was pressuring me to. But living like everybody thought I should only made me believe that my life was empty.

    So I decided to fill myself up with what I wanted. I mentored kids in foster care. I tutored young adults in math and science. I ran a music program for mentally challenged high-schoolers. After a while, I didn’t even need to get pregnant. There was no need to run that race. My life was full. I already had the prize.

    When you try to fit in, you let imaginary standards measure when you’ve arrived. And you never, ever get there. Stop looking outside yourself to see if you’re pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, or rich enough. You will always belong where you know that you already are enough.

    Time to Feel Completely at Home

    Want to know the truth about belonging?

    It takes courage to belong. It takes bravery to show up in your own skin.

    It’s easy to fit in. It’s easy to blend in and hide your outrageousness.

    And it’s also the easiest way to lose the precious parts of you.

    You deserve to be seen. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be known for the real deal that you are.

    Stop taking the easy way out. Stop trying to fit in.

    The best place in life is where you’re already okay.

    Come home to you. It’s where you belong.

    Puzzle people image via Shutterstock

  • Focus on Loving Yourself

    Focus on Loving Yourself

    Focus on Loving Yourself

  • How to Stay Calm in Frustrating Situations (Even if You Have Zero Patience)

    How to Stay Calm in Frustrating Situations (Even if You Have Zero Patience)

    No Stress

    “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha

    Uh-oh, you did it again.

    You fell into the same trap as last week.

    Perhaps someone was driving in front of you going 20 in a 55 mph zone, or maybe you received terrible customer service and couldn’t get your refund.

    So you snapped and lost your temper.

    Whatever the reason for your explosive reaction, you haven’t yet found a way to keep control and remain calm.

    Becoming impatient and losing your temper is sort of like smoking cigarettes. Sure, one or a few hundred won’t kill you.

    But compounded over time it’ll secretly damage you from within by alienating yourself, negatively influencing your kids, and indirectly pushing your spouse or close ones away.

    Despite your situation being a big deal, you may not know where to begin to fix it.

    You feel powerless to control it, so you continue sweeping it under the rug.

    How I Unknowingly Inherited and Cultivated an Unwanted Trait

    For most of my life and practically all stressful encounters, I’d become frustrated and lose my temper. I didn’t realize I was subconsciously “practicing” negativity each time I did that.

    I was acting out an unwanted behavior repeatedly, over and over to the point of mastering pessimism.

    I displayed an objectionable outburst for every resented encounter.

    Practice makes perfect, after all. And ultimately, I perfected being negative.

    Sigh … an unwanted skill so simple to obtain.

    My dad learned it from my grandpa, I learned it from my dad, and I’ve unintentionally passed it on to my two little daughters.

    My impatience infected my family. This endless cycle needed to end.

    For years, my family stuck with me no matter what, and my guilt coaxed me into trying to finally put a stop to it all.

    I tried many things over the years to conquer my impatience—everything from meditation to conscious laughter—and while these methods might help others, they didn’t really work for me.

    So I struggled trying new tactics—until I found what worked.

    Through a lot of trial and error, I’ve finally conquered it with the following techniques:

    1. Curse if you have to.

    We all know cursing is a bad habit to begin with, but we need to start somewhere, especially when reacting to situations that set us off.

    The moment you instinctively curse, take that as your audible cue to immediately inhale deeply. Visualize negative energy purging from your body as you exhale.

    Repeat a few more times to generate a feeling of calm and control.

    It can be hard to quit cursing cold turkey, so allow yourself to curse, notice when you do, and then use breathing exercises to calm yourself down.

    You’re ultimately aiming to replace your expletives with calming breaths the instant a stressful situation arises.

    It’s advisable to curse when alone—not at others or around those who might be offended (such as parents with children).

    2. Do not walk away to cool off.

    Instead of walking away to cool off, do the opposite and face the stress head-on by training your brain to “visualize calm” at the moment the stress occurs.

    I found that walking away is like a pause button. It only delays the inevitable but doesn’t fix the root of the problem. I wasn’t reprogramming my brain to react positively when the stimuli occurred.

    So for me, visualizing calm was my baby daughter sleeping; for others, a waterfall may do.

    When losing our cool, we snap without thinking.

    By forcing yourself to visualize calm the moment the stress takes place, you are essentially diffusing it as a potential trigger.

    You’re nipping it in the bud before it escalates.

    3. Fight stress with more stress.

    Creatively think of another stressful situation that’s ten times bigger than the one you have now, then juxtapose them to realize that your initial stress isn’t such a big deal anymore.

    These two stressors should be related to each other for this to work.

    So what’s worse: being late for a job interview, or getting into a mangled car wreck because you were tailgating?

    4. Learn to love your enemy in less than sixty seconds.

    Instead of becoming irate toward the person you feel has wronged you, visualize a loving family member, a caring friend, or anyone close to you in their place instead.

    Imagine for a moment that you’re driving to work going the speed limit when all of a sudden someone going half your speed abruptly cuts in front of you, prompting you to slam on your brakes.

    If that were a stranger, you would lose your mind in a heartbeat.

    But you can change the whole dynamic. If it were your mother, you would relax in a second and be thankful you didn’t accidentally hurt her.

    You’ll feel an overwhelming sense of peace and accomplishment when you can throw your ego out the window and care about a total stranger.

    And what if the person you’re frustrated by is a family member? For me, this one’s easy. I think of one caring act they have done for me in the past.

    5. Apply the asteroid scenario test.

    Simply put, if an asteroid hit Earth and life as we know it was about to end, you’d have a choice:

    Would you really spend your final days stressing and worrying about something you have absolutely no control over?

    Or would you be happy with your loved ones with whatever time you have left?

    Extreme situation, I know, but you need to decide and move forward.

    Learn to ascertain what you cannot control and acknowledge this with unwavering acceptance. Then focus on positive steps you can control instead.

    6. Accept criticism gracefully.

    By accepting criticism without malice, you are neutralizing any tension and strengthening your poise under pressure. You can think of it as psychological judo by redirecting someone else’s verbal attacks away from you.

    Yes, you will feel hurt and angry, and you’ll feel the sting afterward. That’s completely normal.

    But instead of retaliating impulsively and getting into a heated argument, remember that you can either leave this unstable mess as it is or you can add more fuel to the fire and make it bigger than it already is.

    Choose wisely and pick the lesser of the two evils.

    No matter what situation you face, know this fact:

    You have the power to make a choice. Never, ever give that power away.

    Don’t waste your precious energy on things that accomplish absolutely nothing.

    I’ve Finally Arrived

    It’s quite an achievement: I feel closer to my family than ever.

    I gradually see my daughters “unlearning” how to be impatient. They followed suit without being aware of it.

    It’s a work in progress, but pleasing nonetheless.

    It’s simply amazing how others absorb your warm energy.

    I communicate so much easier with my loving wife too. Of course, we do have minor quibbles here and there, but we don’t have any sarcastic sharp-tongue arguments now!

    Everything feels healthy and balanced.

    Start Small in the Right Direction

    Engaging in stress is a daily ritual all of us fall victim to with absolute ease.

    Make a conscious effort to catch yourself if you falter.

    Wait too long and you risk boiling it over. It’s too late if you’re already worked up.

    And if you’re dead-set on knowing you’ll fail, you will. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    So take a stand.

    Make an effort to change for the better each instance you feel something simmering from within you.

    Use perseverance as a vehicle to your destination.

    Your family, everyone close to you, and your own happy life are waiting for you.

    No stress image via Shutterstock

  • When You Feel Pressured and Overwhelmed by Possibilities

    When You Feel Pressured and Overwhelmed by Possibilities

    Stressed Man

    “Ego says, ‘Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace.’ Spirit says, ‘Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.’” ~Marianne Williamson

    I have exhausted myself with my own expectations. The pressure I have put on myself to be a certain person is consuming my thoughts and eating away at my soul.

    I imagine a point in my life when I’ll have it all together, and I feel a sting in my chest that this has not happened yet.

    I think about the milestones that might get me there and the things that have led me astray. I think about degrees, jobs, relationships—the things that I have been conditioned to believe will guarantee my happiness—and wonder why it hasn’t turned out that way.

    There are so many ways to live, and I feel overwhelmed by all of them, confounded by the endless possibilities.

    Do I want to take this path or that one? Job? Travel? Another degree? Buy a car? Settle down?

    I feel like I’m trying to decorate myself with achievements and using stuff that indicates, somewhat frantically, to the world “Don’t worry, I’m alright! Look at what I’m doing!”

    People tell me what I should be doing, predetermining the best path to a life that is full and whole. It’s like there are certain checkpoints I need to pass to ‘get there,’ presumably to be at peace and content.

    If I take this career path or have this relationship, I’m told, everything will be okay. I take these on and feel like I’m reading someone else’s lines, no longer in my own story, and I can’t hear myself think.

    There was a nagging voice telling me I needed to get out of my comfort zone and have an adventure. I needed to explore the impractical and indulgent part of myself that wanted to write, meet new people, and gain new insights.

    I’m learning to filter out the white noise and listen to myself. So I decided to fulfill my fantasy of living in France, and to later intern in Italy. Now, away from the familiarity of people I know and their ever-consistent opinions (however well meaning), I’m forced to confront the aspects of myself that are uncomfortable.

    On the other side of the world, in a place where no one will tell me what is right or what I should do, I have let all my insecurities surface.

    I’m filtering out what the world has been telling me and deciphering and reconstructing the elements that constitute the sort of life that I—not others—want to live.

    I chastised myself for deviating from ‘the plan’—more study that would currently be just for the sake of studying—even though I felt it was the right thing for me to do.

    Now, I am aware that I compare myself to others who are on their own journey, and instead of berating myself unproductively, I accept my own experience and remind myself there is no such thing as the “right” way.

    How can one route possibly be suitable for everyone? How can I compare myself to others, with different hopes, dreams, experiences, talents, and instincts? I can’t. There is no right way, there is just this way—now—which I can amend or shift if or when I need to.

    If you’re going through something similar, feeling pressured and overwhelmed by possibilities:

    Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

    We spend a lot of time fighting our emotions instead of sitting with them and recognizing them for what they are.

    The world is now blissfully quiet, and I allow myself to feel the doubt, confusion, and other uncomfortable feelings that are perhaps residual effects of such a big change. Only then do the feelings settle.

    Stop focusing on what could or should happen.

    I’m re-training my brain to relinquish control over what might happen or what could be a future possibility, and instead focus on what is currently happening in my life.

    I notice that if I focus on current experiences, on being more accepting of myself and the moment, my entire mentality and experience shifts.

    Remember that self-worth starts with you.

    We often rely on external things to fuel our self-worth; we use material goods, careers, or relationships to feel good about ourselves.

    What we don’t always realize is that nothing will fulfill us if we don’t first develop self-love. When we look to ourselves with compassion, understanding, and kindness, we see our experiences in a whole new light.

    As a wise person once reminded me: “If I took away everything—your house, your job, the people you know—all you’re left with is you.” 

    Let go.

    Once we relinquish control over the future and stop believing we will be happy if or when something occurs, we allow ourselves to enjoy the present without frantically grasping at external things to validate our self-worth—be they relationships, career achievements, or other milestones we have set for ourselves.

    The shift is enjoying these should they occur (if that is what you, not others, truly desire), without being dependent on them for happiness.

    If we remember that there is no rulebook for living our life and accept that we are on our own journey, we will be liberated.

    Stressed man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Foster Better Relationships Just by Being Present

    How to Foster Better Relationships Just by Being Present

    Couple Doing Yoga

    “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I love to pose a question in my journal and watch carefully for the myriad responses from The Universe. I always know how much attention something needs based on the quantity and clarity of the answers I receive.

    Lately I’ve been pondering the question: How can I be a better sister, daughter, and friend? The Universe has been responding with a metric truckload of answers.

    The common theme?

    Get present.

    With our busy lives, we’re always ticking boxes off a long list and thinking about the next thing we have to get done. We’re constantly in doing mode.

    Sometimes it can feel like a burden or an annoyance to have to stop, even momentarily, for the people we love.

    It seems a little backward, don’t you think?

    Getting present requires a certain level of self-awareness.

    It is about putting aside your own thoughts, worries, fears, and insecurities and genuinely taking an interest in what that person is saying.

    When you press pause—physically and mentally—and hold a space for a person to express themselves fully, that person feels valued, heard, seen, and loved.

    And that’s all any of us ever really want.

    So how can we bring more presence to our relationships?

    Intention

    Start with setting an intention to be more present.

    It sounds so simple. And it is. Yet many of us enter our relationships with a nonchalant air and very little intent.

    As you begin to engage with the people you love, the intention to be more present acts as a reminder, anchoring you into the present.

    You become aware of those times when you are most present and those times when you are not. And you’ll notice what distracts you from the present moment. Phone calls, to-do lists, busyness overload, social media—whatever it is.

    When you become aware of this stuff, you can work with it or eliminate it so it doesn’t keep distracting you.

    Intention is where it starts.

    Support Yourself

    I support others by supporting myself.

    Next time you’re engaging with someone, take a moment to check in with where you’re at and ask if you’re supporting yourself.

    By this I mean, are you centered, confident, and calm? Or, are you up in your head? Is there a story running?

    I’ll give you an example. I have a tendency to overcompensate when I meet someone new, someone I potentially want to be friends with. I’m overly nice to the point where it’s almost awkward and uncomfortable. Why do I do this?

    At some point, I stop supporting myself and I retreat into my head.

    Here, there is a story running: “What if I say the wrong thing? What if she doesn’t like me? Have I got something in my teeth? Did I put deodorant on this morning? What if I have nothing to say in response to what she’s telling me?” And on and on it goes.

    Yup. As I write this, I see how ridiculous it all sounds. But this is what happens. I stop supporting myself and let my mind run away with the show.

    The result? I lose my presence.

    The same can be said for interacting with people I know well, like family members and good friends. The story is not necessarily the same, but the outcome most certainly is.

    When I support myself, I am connected and grounded. I easily retain the finer details of the conversation. And later, I remember to follow up to see if the person is feeling better/got that job/went on that second date.

    I speak from my heart rather than from my head, bringing value to the conversation. I set adequate boundaries. It actually makes me a better sister, daughter, and friend.

    Supporting yourself is essential to supporting those around you.

    This doesn’t have to be difficult. It might look like:

    • Clearing your busy schedule and creating some space just for yourself
    • Saying no
    • Focusing on your breath
    • Learning to meditate
    • Exploring the stories that are running in your head (journaling and kinesiology are my favorite mechanisms for self-exploration)

    How does presence influence your relationships? Have you noticed the dynamics of the relationships change? Can you feel the connections strengthen with your presence?

    Couple doing yoga image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Love Lessons to Help Your Relationship Thrive

    5 Love Lessons to Help Your Relationship Thrive

    Couple Silhouette

    “Some people come into your life as blessings. Others come into your life as lessons.” ~Mother Teresa

    Going by experience, I should have been petrified of men and marriage.

    Forced into an arranged marriage at twenty, something that is common in India, it took me over a decade to draw up the courage to leave a toxic, abusive situation and to chart my own path in a conservative society, with two little kids to fend for.

    But due to an inner conviction in the workings of a larger universe, I somehow made it through with my sense of wonder (and humor) alive.

    Despite the social stigma, the day-to-day struggle of being a single mom, and the hardship of my first full-time job, I was driven by hope, not fear. When I look back at those difficult, grey years now, I see the magic, not the misery.

    Because, you see, I was optimistic when it came to life and love. A voice inside me constantly said, “Life is meant to be joyful. Relationships are meant to make you whole.” I was convinced that my first experience had been an exception, not the rule.

    On cue, I met a man who expected his woman to be strong, independent, and to take care of herself. He expected an equal partner, not a legal slave.

    We had a torrid romance with no thought whatsoever of the future, and then decided to marry like good Indian folks (and save on the rent).

    And so, it’s the vows of matrimony again for me. But this time, I am not the blind, impotent, self-styled victim of the first time around. Every day brings with it lessons—wholeness is a process, after all—as well as blessings.

    Here is what I have learnt about love and relationships.

    Accept everything.

    There’s a lot that comes along with a committed relationship besides a new nameplate on the door. Hers is the face you see first thing in the morning when you wake up. His is the mess in the kitchen you clean up after he’s done making fish curry. Hers is the laptop that is never put on charge until you do it.

    What’s the solution? Acceptance. What you resist persists, and what you accept doesn’t bother you anymore.

    Accept your partner, wholeheartedly, warts and all, for better or for worse.

    I used lessons learnt from motherhood and applied them to my relationship with my life partner. Like my child, no matter what my husband does, he is mine after all. Love is best served unconditional.

    Honor yourself.

    Keep in mind there is a difference between accepting your partner and accepting abuse.

    I walked out on my first husband because I could not accept him as the man with supreme spiritual and legal right over my body and life. In a healthy relationship, both people feel empowered and free.

    Respect who you are, your dreams, and your passions. Do not compromise on any of them. Only when we respect and honor ourselves can we truly respect and honor others.

    You’re potatoes in a sack.

    Relationships and living together cause friction, like potatoes rubbing up against one another in a sack. But the thing to remember is that the bump and grind serve an important purpose; they polish us, peel the dirt off our beings, and clean us out.

    Every time your partner behaves in a way that bothers you, use it to search where in your being your anger begins. Every time your partner hurts you, use it to discover your deepest sore spots. Your partner is just the trigger; the anger or hurt is already within you, craving to be heard.

    Kids and partners and parents can be irritating to live with, but we must be grateful for the opportunity they give us to become cleaner, shinier versions of ourselves; to uncover our oldest suppressed wounds; and to rid ourselves of them once and for all. (Of course, nothing is permanent but let’s save that for another post.)

    Your partner is a reflection of you.

    This is a difficult lesson to learn: that your partner is a reflection of who you are. In that case, I must have been a terrible person in my first marriage and I must be a very admirable person this time around.

    But, no. I’m the same person. What has changed is the way I see myself.

    Our relationships aren’t about our partners. They’re about us. We make happy marriages when we are happy people, when we love ourselves, when we respect our own needs and desires.

    We make unhappy marriages when we’re bruised inside, when we devalue ourselves, and when we abuse our own sacredness.

    So the most significant way of ensuring a long, happy love life is to love yourself first, above all else.

    We do not become whole because our partner is in our life. On the contrary, our partner is in our life because we are whole. (And because wholeness is a process, our partner then makes us more whole. Go figure.)

    Love is a verb.

    Love is hard work. Love is gritting your teeth because he left the toilet seat down, shaking your head because the bills weren’t paid on time, clenching your fists because she is immersed in his phone during ‘us-time’—and then forgiving it all because you know you’re not perfect either.

    Love is giving your best shot, showing up, being there, hugging for no reason, making up after a fight, and doing the laundry in the middle of the night. Not because you have to, but because it’s yet another way of demonstrating your love, and you just can’t get enough of those.

    A decade ago, I walked out of a toxic relationship, stoically seeing it as a lesson I needed to learn. Today, I count both my relationships among my blessings—the bad one taught me to value the good one.

    That’s the thing about love: it starts from within and works equally in all directions—ourselves, our lovers, our families, our exes, our friends, our past, our future. When we open our hearts to love, love opens the world to us.

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock