Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Turn Your Envy into Inspiration and Cultivate Your Own Joy

    Turn Your Envy into Inspiration and Cultivate Your Own Joy

    Jumping Woman Image

    “Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.” ~Harold Coffin

    What happens when your neighbor upgrades to a mansion leaving your house in its shadow?

    What do you do when your friend’s business is expanding while you’re living paycheck to paycheck?

    How do you view the blissful couple next-door, seemingly in a never-ending honeymoon phase, while the strife in your household could be cut with a knife?

    Although we are each walking our own journey, as social creatures we tend to compare ourselves to others.  This habit may start in the classroom at a young age—“Look how nicely Johnny is sitting; why can’t you behave more like that?”

    Facebook is the real-time reality show of nearly every one we know. We have friends posting their kids’ achievements, doting anniversary love notes to their spouse, and pictures from exotic summer vacations. We are getting a sneak peek into the lives of others and concomitantly thinking about our own.

    While these comparisons can be a slippery slope leading us down the rabbit hole of “never enough,” we can also use this tendency to our advantage.

    When Difficult Emotions Happen to Good People

    Oftentimes, when a moment of envy emerges we push it aside, deny it, or fall into the pit and drown in it. Is there any other choice?

    A good friend was telling me about the lavish interior-decorating project under way for her brand new, sparkling apartment. I remember feeling a sincere desire to be happy for her. But as much as I tried to evade the truth, I was envious.

    Taking a deep breath and a moment of reflection, I nurtured those feelings inside me. I wasn’t envious because I’m a bad person or secretly wished for the demise of my friend. I was hurting because I was unknowingly aching for a beautifully designed home to call my own.

    Compassion and love toward myself was the antidote; I decided to spend the next few months creating a home that brought me joy.

    In order to achieve greatness we must utilize both our positive inclinations and our negative inclinations for our own benefit.

    Here is how envy can be both helpful and healing:

    You see our friends’, neighbors’, or colleagues’ good success and feel a pang. Question that emotion. What is leading you to feel that way?

    If my colleague got the promotion and I didn’t, perhaps I can take an internal audit and determine in what ways I can be a better employee. On the other hand, I may not even be in a profession that is suited to my personality.

    About eight years ago, I traveled around Israel and Thailand for nine weeks. I remember sensing that one of my best friends was feeling a tad envious of my voyage around the globe.

    Can a relationship tolerate a certain degree of envy? Yes, as long as we channel it in the right direction.

    A year later, she went on her own trek to visit her brother, who was teaching English in Cambodia at the time. Rather than sinking into her own envy, she channeled it to propel her life and actualize her dreams.

    As long as we realize that we do not need to burst someone else’s bubble but instead can cultivate our own joy, we are able to utilize any emotion to our benefit.

    When other people achieve a goal or a certain level of success, envy is not about wanting to take that away from the other person. Rather, if we learn to honor our emotions, we can discover hidden treasures within ourselves.

    We can rediscover new passions and dreams that have gone neglected. We can become aware that we unconsciously seek a better relationship with our spouse or kids. We may realize that we have a desire to be a leader in the community.

    Instead of focusing on the other person, we can look inward, set our goals, and get to work. The question then becomes, how badly do we want it? How hard are we willing to work for our lives?

    Even if we don’t reach our goal, when we do everything within our ability with the cards we are dealt that is the truest measure of success, regardless of the results.

    Maybe We Have Exactly What We Need

    It also helps to consider that maybe we have exactly what we need.

    Consider a seed planted in the earth. Mother nature places that seedling in dirt, sometimes in harsh terrain and inclement weather. Beneath the surface, the seed must break, rip, and tear open in order to fulfill its purpose.

    How do we know what the universe is sending our way in order to rip open our unique potential? With this in mind, there is no longer a need to compare. Each seed is given the nutrients it needs in order to grow.

    Happiness Magnified

    There is the common saying, that nobody’s life is perfect. Another person’s situation may look good from the outside but there is always something beneath the surface, a challenge that we don’t know about, or a skeleton in the closet.

    Yes, each person does face his or her unique set of challenges, but that way of thinking always rubbed me the wrong way. This belief almost lends itself to wishing challenges on another person. I believe we can do better than that.

    We can elevate our thinking to realize that success and positivity in the lives of those around us only leads to a cycle of happiness in our own lives. When we can truly rejoice at our friend’s wedding, our family members’ success, or at another’s accolades, then the happiness we feel is only magnified.

    When we live in a way so that other people’s joy only adds to our own, how much happier can our lives get?

    We may not be married, but isn’t it inspiring to know that such true love is possible?

    We may feel stuck in our own job, but isn’t it motivating to see someone else take a risk and go after his or her dream job?

    Perhaps we didn’t have the best relationship with our own parents, but doesn’t it strengthen your faith to know that incredible parental bonds still exist?

    We easily feel empathy when a loved one is going through a challenge. Now is the time to feel the joy of others. By doing so, we create a circle of light in our own lives and increase our own happiness.

    By changing our filter, our thoughts, our own abundance is increased exponentially. We can use every single emotion in our tool chest for the betterment (not embitterment) of our own lives.

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Lessons on Living a Happy Life from Hiking in the Himalayas

    5 Lessons on Living a Happy Life from Hiking in the Himalayas

    Man Hiking in Himalayas

    “All seasons are beautiful for the person who carries happiness within.” ~Horace Friess

    This year I felt a calling to explore the beauty of nature in a different way. I enrolled in a program where I would be hiking in the Himalayas.

    I would be living in camps and guest houses, away from any communication or technology, and even away from almost all people. I would not have a shower or “standard” toilets, and I would experience a different lifestyle for some time where very limited resources are available.

    My heart is full of gratitude for what I experienced during those two weeks over there. Not only did I meet wonderful people in my travel group, but also interacting with the locals was an eye opener for me.

     I reconnected with the meaning of true happiness.

    The simplicity of their way of living made me question my own needs.

    The kindness of their hearts made me realize that we are really connected and capable of sharing, even when we don’t have much for ourselves.

    Their strength while facing challenging weather conditions made me realize that I too had the power to become stronger, and that I could overcome any obstacle in life.

    Today I want to share with you five valuable lessons I learned while I was there so you too can live a happier life.

    1. Simplicity amplifies.

    The less you have, the less you worry and the more you appreciate what you do have.

    When I was living in the guest houses I didn’t consider the local people poor.

    The truth is, they had limited resources and they would spend most of their year in the cold weather, eating what they harvested, and the rest of the time harvesting their fields, taking care of their cattle and living a very simple life with what they had.

    But they’re happy. You can sense an inner peace that is not present in the busy streets of London, where we are supposed to “have it all.” I believe that when there is less to choose from, there is more to value.

    2. Love is all around.

    When we open our hearts to truly feel and see love, it’s very easy to recognize random acts of kindness. In the Himalayas, people who don’t know you help you cross a river. People get help when you’re stuck in the middle of the mountain.

    It might be easier to notice when you are away from the buzz of the city, but random acts of kindness are everywhere if you start paying attention to them. You might notice a person offering a seat to someone on the bus, or holding the door open for you when you have your hands full.

    You might also want to start thinking about how you can be kinder to others or perhaps acknowledge kindness shown toward you more often. Kindness leads to happiness. The more you accept help from others, and the more you offer help to people in need, the more kindness and happiness you will experience in your life.

    3. You don’t need wings to fly.

    Fly where? Fly to achieve your dreams, feeling connected to the possibility of achieving something you truly want.

    When there is an obstacle, but there is enough will and persistence and you believe in yourself unconditionally, you can truly fly and reach for the stars. It all starts with self-belief.

    When I started believing that I was strong and I could actually climb mountains and go farther than I initially thought, things became possible. Of course, belief didn’t make me an expert climber overnight, but it enabled me to take a chance and push myself to learn and grow.

    So, my question is: What do you want to achieve? Start believing in yourself first and everything else will follow.

    4. Don’t keep expectations.

    Several things didn’t go to plan on my trip. For example, we ended up hiking for fewer days than originally planned because the weather changed unexpectedly, and that caused several delays, which affected our route. Now I feel that it was a blessing rather than a curse.

    It allowed me to practice living in the present moment and avoiding disappointment.

    There will always be situations where things don’t go to plan or are out of your control. Clinging to your expectations only brings worry, suffering, and unnecessary drama. When you live in the present, you allow yourself to flow with the unexpected and learn from the situation.

    By being fully present and not hanging on to expectations, I was able to enjoy and immerse myself in the experience rather than holding on to negative feelings. I had extra time to reflect on things that were important to me while I was waiting for the rain to stop. Rather than feeling disappointed, I asked myself: What can I learn from this?

    On this trip, I also discovered that I love hiking—and, rather than seeing the inclement weather as completely negative, in the end it became a motivation to start hiking more once I returned to the UK.

    5. Life is short. Live it now.

    When we leave our regular environment, especially when we go on vacation, far from our routine, many questions arise. What am I doing with my life? What do I truly want?

    For me, being in nature is like being in a meditative state. I get time to reflect and evaluate the direction of my life.

    And I know that life is short. We don’t know how long we are going to be on this planet, so each time I remind myself about the things I truly want to do before I die, and I re-plan to make them happen. Don’t wait for tomorrow; it might not come.

    —

    Happiness is not something you can measure, but you can feel it by sharing your heart with others. We can improve our lives through simple things such as walking in nature, meeting kindred hearts, or living in the moment and learning from what might have gone wrong.

    I know that I will be trekking more paths in this life. Life is a journey of discovery. In each step we take we learn new things and we grow. That growth is what brings true meaning and happiness to our lives.

    Man in Himalayas image via Shutterstock

  • Are You Settling for Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship?

    Are You Settling for Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship?

    Couple Facing Each Other

    “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” ~Alexander Graham Bell

    It was around six years ago that I faced the moment of truth. I was sitting on my meditation pillow, having spent the last few moments in deep contemplation about my current state of affairs. I was satisfied with practically every area of my life except for the one that meant the most to me—my love life.

    About five months prior, my relationship with my boyfriend of almost four years (who I had been certain was “the one”) had ended. Why? Well, let’s just say that we discovered that we wanted different things at the moment. I wanted the walk down the aisle and white picket fence, while he wanted to continue life as a single person (and all that entailed, to put it as delicately as I can).

    Actually, to say the relationship had ended isn’t exactly true. Although we had supposedly “broken up,” we were still in contact with one another. Quite a bit.

    In my desire to be a mature, spiritual, well-adjusted woman, I had decided that maintaining a friendship was the “adult” thing to do. After all, it’s not like I hated the guy—at some point I had actually thought he was “the one.” Why couldn’t we be friends?

    That five-month “friendship” actually turned into five months of emotional turmoil for me, since the “benefits” weren’t as beneficial as I’d hoped they’d be.

    At times I found myself hating him. At other times, I wished that we had never broken up. At times I felt jealous when I found out that he had gone on a date. Then, I would feel like I was being immature for being jealous because I felt like I should have been “bigger” than that. At times I wanted nothing to do with him. At other times, I stalked his Facebook page.

    Still, during this “friendship” period, I couldn’t help but to have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that while he was having his cake and eating it too, I was left with crumbs. (And I’m gluten-sensitive, so cake crumbs are totally not good for me).

    I was taking what I could get because I didn’t know whether I would find another relationship again.

    Finally, that day on my meditation pillow, after months of tears, self-reflection, and praying for my ideal relationship, I had a huge “aha” moment.

    There I was, hoping for the relationship of my dreams, yet at the same time, I was keeping myself anchored to the past. How could I possibly get myself in the mindset of meeting someone new who shared my life goals, when I was spending far too much energy clinging to something that was simply not what I wanted?

    So, I listened to my gut and cut it off.

    I told him that while he would always hold a special place in my heart, I had to let him go fully.

    I told him I wasn’t sure if it would be forever, but I knew that the current state of affairs just wasn’t healthy for me.

    I told him I needed to clear my head entirely so I could understand why I wasn’t moving on like I knew I should.

    I told him I was going to make space for what I really wanted in my life.

    I was taking a stand for myself, knowing I deserved more.

    And thirty-three days later, I connected with my now-husband. (But even if I hadn’t, I know I would be just fine).

    If you’ve ever been in a committed relationship, you know that it can sometimes feel like a pretty courageous act. Think about it—you make yourself vulnerable to another person by putting your trust in him or her. You open yourself up by sharing your hopes, dreams, and worries. And, you do all of this without any sort of guarantee that things will work out in the long run.

    When a relationship just isn’t working out, the thought of letting go of the known yet unsatisfying can feel pretty daunting. But, if like me, you are clinging to something that you know is less than you deserve, I encourage you to draw on that sense of courage to make some changes.

    Whether it’s having the confidence to ask for what you really want, engaging in the character-building work of improving your relationship, or moving on, take a stand for yourself, knowing that you are worthy of happiness and getting exactly what you want.

    Take it from me, being courageous during these moment-of-truth decision points can make all the difference in your quality of life.

    As Zig Ziglar said, “When the wrong people leave your life the right things start to happen.” Are there any wrong people in your life you need to clear out?

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • How to Hold a Broken Heart (So You Can Get Through It)

    How to Hold a Broken Heart (So You Can Get Through It)

    Broken Heart

    “Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic, sometimes to anger, resentment, and blame. But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness …This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.” ~Pema Chodron

    I remember a few years ago when I was going through a bad break-up. It wasn’t the longest relationship of my life or even the deepest. But it had so much potential and it ended in the most cursory of ways.

    Already a few drinks deep, I FaceTimed a friend who lives in D.C. and we had a long-distance whiskey together. As I teared up I asked him a favor, prefacing it as such: “I’m guessing it’s the case. I know this sounds dramatic. But I need you to tell me that I’ll find ‘the one’ and settle down at some point.”

    He looked at me, paused, and said something I’ve never forgotten. He said, “You will love again. That I know. Whether it’s one person for a long relationship or many people with shorter ones, I know you will fall in love again.”

    As a long-time Buddhist practitioner, I have studied and experienced the heart’s amazing resilience and ability to rebound and offer love, again and again. Yet my friend’s words hit me in a new way.

    I began to realize that the ability to love is innate. We love love. We all want to love, and while there are times when we feel devastated by loss, the heart ultimately heals and once more shines forth, hoping to connect anew.

    And maybe that means we love one person for the rest of our days, or many, but the heart’s ability to love is not something I have ever questioned since. That said, when you’re broken-hearted, it’s hard to contact your ability to love unconditionally.

    Now, if you’re like me when you go through a major break-up you have a particular set of things you do to distract yourself from that pain.

    You might hole up and binge-watch a television show. You might drink a lot, either at home or hole yourself up at a local bar with a handful of supportive friends. You might attempt to rebound quickly, filling your time with endless dates or casual sex.

    Whatever your form of distraction may be, you might have found what I found: these distractions are temporary and when your show ends/you sober up/you wake up next to someone you don’t really like your pain is there bigger and badder than ever.

    In my experience, big emotions like heartbreak aren’t meant to be avoided; they’re meant to be felt. It’s a bit like standing at the edge of the ocean and having a giant wave come crashing down on you. You can kick and fight and pull against it, but it will only drag you further out to sea.

    Instead, you can look at it and dive headfirst coming out the other end, perhaps even feeling refreshed. The same goes for heartbreak. The more you kick and fight against it, the more you will get dragged into the very depths of that misery. The only way is through. You have to let the emotion roll over you like that wave.

    The main practice I recommend is one I do for heartbreak moments both big and small. I place my hand on my heart, drop the story line around the underlying emotion, and rest with the feeling of the emotion itself.

    Instead of getting lost in the mental maze of “Why did she do that?” “How can I get her back?” or “What did I do wrong?” I acknowledge those thoughts then bring my focus back to the emotion that exists right beneath their surface.

    As Pema Chodron says at the beginning of this piece, I let myself go past the anxiety and panic and touch the genuine heart of sadness that exists underneath. From that place of vulnerability and authenticity, I find the energy to once more connect with others from a place of wholeness and love.

    Years after that emotional talk with my friend, when I went through a similar break-up, I knew that the best way to see myself through to the other side of my broken heart was to take the time to rest.

    I would notice the pain of missing that person and the sinking feeling that occurred in my body. When that would happen I would lie down and breathe into it. I wouldn’t entertain the story lines that came up. Quite the opposite—I would return to the sinking feeling.

    And then, as if I had said some magic spell, the sinking feeling would lift and I could go about my day once more. I could connect with others, offering my vulnerable and tender self authentically. By diving into the heart of what I felt, I ended up feeling liberated. Today, I love again. Tomorrow, I hope to do the same.

    Broken heart image via Shutterstock

  • An Ode to Solitude: The Beauty of Just Sitting

    An Ode to Solitude: The Beauty of Just Sitting

    Man sitting on pier

    “I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    Meditation makes you realize it’s not so much the silence as it is the not being around people that’s so profound. No human interaction, a human break if you will, is its own simple kind of joy.

    Who knew that as a species who can’t function without the social ties of community, it is solitude that re-charges us and gives us the strength to go out into the big, bad world and interact with that lovely mess I like to call humanity?

    In our hyper connected, overworked, extroverted, always-on-the-go American culture, the very idea of solitude can seem anathema to what we as Americans hold dear. The mere possibility that a person would skip out on social gatherings or not respond to work emails on the weekends because they want some alone time seems downright un-American.

    For most of my life I was (and still am, I admit) a quintessential “busy person.” I pretty much came out of the womb with a list of things on my to-do-list, and as I got older that to-do list became longer… and longer… and longer….

    But that was the way I liked it. Each time I ticked off a box I’d get a sense of satisfaction, a rush not unlike I imagine one feels after doing a line of cocaine or popping some ecstasy tablets. And, as with most drugs, once the satisfaction of accomplishing something on my list wore off, I would work on accomplishing the next thing, chasing that next rush, and so on and so forth, ad infinitum.

    I made the drug comparison purposely, because the constant need to be doing something can feel like an addiction if taken to the extreme. After each line on my to-do-list was checked off I couldn’t wait to add ten more things.

    And, not surprisingly, my incessant busyness was reinforced at every turn. It encouraged me to get good grades and load up on the extra-curriculars in high school, which in turn helped me get into an ivy league school for college, which then helped me get into a highly competitive medical school program… you get the gist.

    But once in medical school I kind of reached a breaking point and realized this treadmill life where I never gave myself a break was not sustainable.

    It was fitting then, that around this time I started to learn about meditation. I find it ironic that in the hyper competitive, fishbowl of an existence that is medical school I found the one thing that advocated the exact opposite.

    Once I started going to meditation classes and getting better at being in the present moment, I began to gain some introspection, which made me rethink this whole busyness thing.

    I actually started to worry a bit about my poor little restless soul and wondered if this is what it was going to be like for the rest of my life. This constant need to fill my days with something—anything—so I wouldn’t have to face the vast emptiness of doing… well, absolutely nothing. It was unfathomable to me.

    Living alone, however, made me change my perspective. As I got older and could afford to live without roommates, this whole world of solitude opened up.

    At first it was terrifying. As busy as I am, even I couldn’t fill every second of my waking days, so the restlessness grew stronger and stronger, until I thought I might explode.

    But once I got past this obsessive need to always be doing something, I loved it. I could just sit, literally. I started to feel like I had all the time in the world.

    Actually, I started to feel like time itself didn’t even exist anymore, and I could just sit there, forever, in my wonderfully empty apartment on my wonderfully empty couch with my wonderful self for company. I noticed that a previously unknown feeling started to make its way into my life. I believe they call this feeling serenity.

    A recent Pew Research Center survey asked: How important is it to you to have times when you are completely alone, away from anyone else? My answer: as important as being around people.

    In all my reverence for solitude, the fundamental truth is that solitude vs. sociability doesn’t have to be an either-or equation. They are both necessary if one wants to be a healthy, functioning adult. It’s just that we as Americans have way more of the sociability than the solitude.

    A wise person once said, “Don’t just do something, sit there.” So take some time out of your busy schedule each day to just be.

    No computer, no phone, no Internet, no TV, no music, no reading, no talking. Just you and your own crazy thoughts.

    Though it may be terrifying at first, you might be surprised at what you find lurking in the deepest corners of your mind. Peace, joy, forgiveness, clarity? There’s only one way to find out.

    Man sitting on pier image via Shutterstock

  • How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs

    How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs

    Woman at the Beach

    “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” ~Tony Gaskins

    I highly value being loyal, honest, empathetic, and supportive. I am also partial to advocating for the underdog. As a result, I have historically attempted to be a ‘hero’ in situations of difficulty, tension, conflict, or stress.

    I take pride in being the person who others can turn to for support, guidance, and empathy after an upsetting experience.

    When a friend was going through a troublesome period, I literally dropped everything to race to her and give her a hand. I drove her everywhere when her car was destroyed in an accident. I sat with her in the car for hours each day and listened to her troubles in the driveway when dropping her home.

    I often answered the phone late at night when this friend was having a crisis. I barely spent time with my husband as I tended to her needs, even when our marriage began to show cracks as a result.

    I would fall prey to her criticism and insults when she was distressed and seemingly needed a ‘punching bag,’ or when I didn’t respond as quickly or as perfectly as she desired. I regularly defended her behavior and tried to cheer her up when she questioned her value as a friend, in an attempt to help her feel better.

    I convinced myself that it was a stage that she was going through and that she needed my support—that despite the emotional manipulation and unreasonable expectations—a good friend would stick by her, no matter what. Besides, she was a beautiful person and a wonderful friend in many respects.

    When another friend wanted to provide a quote on a personal project, despite my intuition warning me against mixing friendship with business, I proceeded out of concern that I’d offend him if I did otherwise.

    When he made a number of errors and contradictions, was significantly late with his submission, and quoted a much higher figure than initially indicated, I continued to reinterpret his behavior and make excuses for him.

    Even upon first hearing that he had then proceeded to lie about conversations and events to others, my initial reaction was to defend him and make excuses for how he might have been misled by other influences (when this was very unlikely to be the case).

    When a single friend who liked to frequently sleep with different women who he met at a bar each weekend suddenly got upset by the fact that he hadn’t met his soul mate, I’d regularly open the door to him at three in the morning if he wanted to have a drunk DMC about his life and situation.

    When a man came at my friends and I with a baseball bat in a Melbourne train station, I tried to reason with him and determine why he was so worked up and how I could help deflate that— before my friends dragged me away to safety in disbelief.

    I could provide many more examples of where I have put the needs of others before my own, to the point where I have been hurt or experienced significant difficulty. I bet that if you’re still reading this article, that you can do the same.

    I thought I was being a loyal, giving, and kind person who continuously chose to see the good in people. I took pride in this, and identified with it being a core part of who I was. But then I started to notice a painful pattern.

    My own health, happiness, needs, and desires were continuously neglected. I was so busy helping others that prioritizing my own needs wasn’t possible.

    I implicitly told people that I didn’t have boundaries, so it was understandably a shock to the system when I tried to put them in place at a later date.

    I also demonstrated that I held an impossible expectation for myself to be perfect in a relationship, and people started to hold me to that level of perfection and expect it from me 100% of the time (even when they did not hold their own behavior to anywhere near the same level or quality that they expected from me).

    And what hurt most of all is that I started to notice that people often didn’t do the same for me. They didn’t risk putting their neck out on the chopping board and they certainly didn’t hang around to fight for our relationship when even the slightest bit of difficulty appeared. When I started to better manage my own energy and space, they would ‘dump’ me in a flash.

    I suddenly realized that I needed to change.

    I needed to respect and value myself and my needs more. I needed to make me a priority. I needed to stop being a martyr. I needed to introduce and maintain boundaries.

    I needed to find a way to balance being big-hearted, loyal, and generous with taking care of myself and protecting my own energy and interests.

    It was a difficult period—a period of adjustments and lessons, that are still continuing to a lesser degree. But at the end of the day, my increased emphasis on taking care of myself was not only good for me, but also for the people that truly loved and valued me.

    But how could it be a good thing, you might ask? You lost friends, you suffered, you learned that many people you loved wouldn’t be there to back you up when you needed them. How is that a good thing?

    Please, let me explain. When I ‘lost’ or better managed those who drained energy from me and disregarded perfectly reasonable personal boundaries it:

    • Freed up more time for me to support and enjoy the company of those who did respect, value and cherish me—those who were uplifting and supportive
    • Led to me respecting, valuing, and honoring myself and my own needs more, which allowed me to feel more energized, vibrant, happy, healthy, and ‘on purpose’ than ever before
    • Allowed me to learn more about myself and what I valued in a relationship and to be more cautious about spending time with people who didn’t align with these values
    • Helped me further fine-tune the art of boundary setting, a skill that I believe can impact on your life in so many ways
    • Encouraged others to start treating me with more respect
    • Inspired others to start taking better care of themselves and their needs too
    • Helped me learn how to say no and to ask for help—two valuable skills to have in your internal wellness toolkit

    The above are only examples, of which I am sure there are many more, of the benefits I have experienced from setting boundaries and learning to prioritize myself and my own needs.

    Now this might sound great in theory, but I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to start setting boundaries and to prioritize your own needs, desires, and dreams. Some suggestions to help you get started include:

    1. Begin to take notice of who you spend your time with and how they make you feel.

    Do you enjoy their company? Do they make you feel supported and uplifted? Do they bring you joy? Or do they deflate you? Make you feel bad about yourself and your character? Suck the energy from you? Perhaps it is time to consider how you manage your time with these people in the future.

    2. Take time out to reflect on and identify your own needs, desires, and dreams.

    Do you have a self-care and me-time practice? Do you make time for activities that you enjoy? Do you feel satisfied with your work, home life, health, or other areas that you value? Commit to making a conscious effort to start prioritizing these areas more in your life.

    3. Actively look for ways to make time for you.

    What can you organize or change in your schedule to make this happen? Where can you find efficiencies or introduce systems that will make time for you? Where could you ask for help or delegate work or tasks to free up time? What items can you cull from your to-do list in order to drop some balls and pick up the self-care ball?

    4. Practice saying no.

    Putting a stop to the automatic “yes machine” and learning to say no are vital steps for setting boundaries and learning to place more value on yourself, your time, and your desires.

    Learning to say no can take practice. I suggest that you start with a ‘buying time’ script, where instead of responding with a clear “yes” or “no” straight away, you tell people that you are busy and that you’ll check and get back to them. This buys you time to formulate a more considered response in line with your own needs and desires.

    At the end of the day, please remember that you matter. Your life matters. Your needs and desires matter. And when you take care of yourself, you are in a much better position to be of service to others and the world.

    In finishing, I’d love to leave you with a quote from Dodinsky that sums up one of the main points of this article: “Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.”

    Woman at the beach image via Shutterstock

  • How to Regain Confidence After Someone Puts You Down

    How to Regain Confidence After Someone Puts You Down

    Sad man

    “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” ~Maya Angelou 

    Have you ever been the recipient of put-downs, snide remarks, or hostile language?

    If you have, your confidence may have suffered a significant nosedive.

    I once attended a summer music camp for young musicians. I was studying the piano and enjoyed playing classical music, but I always had a deep fear of performing in front of others, especially other highly skilled musicians.

    Desiring to overcome this crippling fear, I decided to audition for an upcoming recital. To my surprise, the audition went smoothly, and I qualified to play in the recital.

    Though my performance was far from flawless due to my overwhelming anxiety, I was proud of how I’d faced my fears and completed my performance despite some significant slips.

    Some days later, a faculty member asked me to be a page-turner for him for the next recital. I agreed to do so. After that recital, a fellow student approached me afterward and said:

    “You page-turn way better than you play.”

    After the initial shock had worn off, I tried to brush off the comment. But the voice in my head was swirling with all kinds of thoughts like, “Serves me right for trying to play in the big leagues,” and, “She’s probably right because she is a much better pianist than I am.”

    Her biting words festered in me for weeks and months after the camp was over. I’d lost whatever little confidence I had in my ability to play in public. I’d lost confidence in myself, period. I felt helpless and eventually wanted to quit playing.

    However, with time and perspective, my confidence slowly returned. And after some reflection, I realized that we can take effective steps to mitigate the damage in the face of significant put-downs:

    1. Acknowledge your feelings.

    After the incident, I experienced a series of emotions. My initial surprise turned to anger, which then turned to shame. As I tried to deny the emotions I was feeling, they grew stronger and began to manifest in unexpected and destructive ways.

    My first step back on the path to confidence was to acknowledge the emotions I was feeling. Doing so allowed me to observe them rather than be swept away by them.

    If you’re struggling with difficult emotions after a put-down, acknowledge the feelings. Allow them to pass through you without resisting or attaching yourself to them, always remembering this simple truth: you are not your emotions.

    2. Contain the damage.

    When we’re put-down, our confidence suffers because we over-generalize and make faulty conclusions about ourselves using the internalized negativity of others.

    Regaining my own confidence meant replacing my initial conclusion of “I am a bad pianist” with “I performed that day to the best of my ability.”

    If you’re put down or criticized, confine your feelings about the criticism to the action being criticized rather than making it about you. Do this even when the criticism feels like a personal attack.

    In fact, the more personal the put-down, the greater the likelihood that the incident is more about the other person’s insecurities than it is about you.

    3. Focus on the positive.

    Put-downs can make us feel small.

    Sometimes, they can feel like a powerful vortex sucking you down or like a powerful ocean current that sweeps you under water. It’s tempting to feel like you have no control over how you feel when you’re caught in a hostile situation.

    But you do have power. You can choose to focus on the positive.

    In my situation, this meant choosing not to focus on how small the comment “made” me feel. Instead, I chose to focus on how I was willing to put myself out there and fail in order to grow.

    When you decide to choose your attitude, you’ll create an emotional shield that can withstand any insult. Why? Because you’ll understand the powerful truth that it’s not the put-down that makes or breaks your confidence; it’s how you choose to think and feel about it.

    4. Realize that your worth is intrinsic.

    We all struggle with the tendency to tie our worth to our abilities and the opinions of others. We let our sense of worthiness depend on performance—on the job, at home, and even when we’re just hanging out with friends.

    We exhaust ourselves by constantly trying to measure up to implicit or explicit standards and expectations. But the sense of self-worth we so desperately seek outside of ourselves already resides within us.

    Because I couldn’t play the piano like the person who was judging me, I felt unworthy and useless—despite how well I played. But I’ve learned that my worthiness does not come from my ability as a pianist. My worth is intrinsic to who I am as a human being.

    It cannot be bought or earned, but simply uncovered.

    You do not have to wait to be accomplished in the eyes of others to feel worthy. You can choose to feel worthy right now.

    5. Forgive and let go.

    When someone hurts you deeply with their words, the last thing on your mind at that moment is forgiveness. But your willingness to forgive and let go will lift your spirit and restore your confidence in yourself and others.

    My path back to self-confidence meant forgiving the person who made the careless and hurtful remark to me. This doesn’t mean that I tried to become her friend, or pretended the incident never happened, or demanded she apologize.

    It just meant that I chose to stop holding on to my negative feelings toward her and let them pass through me.

    It meant forgiving myself for allowing the experience to control my life for a time. It meant giving up the comfort and safety of self-loathing that gave me permission to avoid the pain, but also the payoff, of personal growth.

    What past insults are you clinging to right now? Trust that you won’t fall into the abyss if you let them go.

    You Alone Are Enough

    Are you willing to give up years, even decades, of joyful and confident living over mean-spirited remarks?

    Are you willing to believe the lies others tell you so that they can feel better about themselves?

    Are you willing to play small rather than rise to every occasion?

    I didn’t think so.

    Refuse to believe the voices that say you are not intelligent enough, beautiful enough, or worthy enough.

    Because you alone are enough. And only you have the power to bring that realization to life.

    Sad man image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Looking for Signs and Trust Yourself

    Stop Looking for Signs and Trust Yourself

    Stargazing woman

    “Always try to remember that most of the things that happen in this world aren’t signs. They happen because they happen, and their only real significance lies in normal cause and effect. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you start trying to pry the meaning out of every gust of wind or rainsquall. I’m not denying that there might actually be a few signs that you won’t want to miss. Knowing the difference is the tricky part.” ~David Eddings

    A few years ago I took the Buddhist precepts at a Zen monastery in northern California. At the end of the ceremony we were all given the symbolic Kesa to wear around our necks while we meditated.

    Afterward, on the drive home, I hit a torrential Sierra snowstorm and pulled into a gas station to fill my tank and make sure everything was running well before I headed into the mountains. When I got home, I realized I had lost my Kesa.

    I called the gas station, the only place I had stopped, but they hadn’t seen it. I continued to call them every day for a week certain that dropping my Kesa on the snow-covered ground was akin to spitting in holy water at a Catholic church.

    I told myself it was a sign that I’m really a flake. My knowledge of Buddhism was superficial at best.

    What right did I have to take the precepts? I obviously wasn’t ready for them. I should have studied harder, meditated longer, been more serious about the whole practice.

    About a year later at another retreat I was talking with one of the monks and she said, “I noticed you never wear your Kesa when you come up here. I was just wondering about that.”

    I hesitated. Lying to a monk would surely be worse than losing my Kesa, so I told her the story as well as my long litany of reasons as to why I didn’t deserve another Kesa.

    When I finished she smiled and said, “All this means is you lost your Kesa.”

    She walked with me over to a closet, reached into a box, and handed me another one. “Maybe it means you were a little absentminded, but that’s it. It’s no big deal and it certainly doesn’t mean you are not worthy of being Buddhist.”

    I have to admit I’ve spent a disproportionate amount of time looking for signs, when in fact, I was really looking for validation.

    Maybe it was to justify a bad decision. And if the signs were negative, like in the case of the Kesa, it just confirmed my feelings of low self-esteem. It was a sign I was really as hopeless as I secretly believed.

    Signs and symbols can be powerful tools for exploring our unconscious, but they aren’t going to tell us what to do or who we are. We have to decide that.

    I have a friend who told me whenever she sees a blue cornflower it’s a sign her deceased mother is saying hello. That seems to me a very sweet and appropriate way to use signs and symbols.

    Of course, she doesn’t literally believe her mother is communicating, but blue flowers have become a symbolic way to remember her love, pause for a moment and appreciate their relationship.

    The symbols we dream can be profound and may be a sign of something we need to look at in our lives. And we can find signs in nature that serve as tools of transformation. But we shouldn’t let them rule our lives. Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

    Do you find yourself looking for signs in nature or the heavens? Here are some thoughts for keeping signs and symbols in perspective.

    Even if the universe does send us signs, how we interpret them is purely subjective.

    The universe and consciousness are mysterious. For all we know, beings from other dimensions could be sending us signs all the time, but our capacity to understand is still limited by the physical world and the bodies we inhabit. It’s probably best to focus on dimensions we know and understand.

    Anything can be a sign if we want it badly enough.

    Once I found an arrowhead near my house and convinced myself it was a sign it would be okay to have an affair with the married, albeit separated, medicine man who had been pursuing me ever since I’d gone to his sweat lodge as a guest.

    In this case common sense rather than signs won out and I pointed him and his buffalo drum back to his wife. If you find yourself pulled in a direction that you know is probably not good for you, trust your good sense and don’t let signs lead you astray.

    Believing too strongly in signs can be disempowering.

    As a woman with a history of abuse and bad decision-making, I feel strongly about the rights of empowerment and dignity for all humans of all ages. Allowing yourself to be ruled by signs and portents not only takes away your power of choice, it excuses you from responsibility.

    Stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility for your part in things is incredibly empowering.

    Focusing too much on signs takes us out of experiencing the moment.

    We usually look for signs either as justification of something we’ve done or as portents about what to do in the future. Often, we already know what we should do deep inside and looking for signs can lead to obsession.

    Instead, next time you have to make a hard decision, sit quietly for a while. Get practical advice, look at the situation rationally, and then decide. It will probably work out just as well as waiting for a feather to float down and point you in a certain direction.

    None of this means you have to give up astrology, runes, or the Tarot, but use them as tools for unlocking what’s already inside you. They are not signals from the universe that you should do one thing or another. You already have all the answers inside. Trust yourself.

    Stargazing woman image via Shutterstock

  • Be Happy with What You Have

    Be Happy with What You Have

    Be Happy with What You Have

  • 3 Steps to Making an Intimate Relationship Work

    3 Steps to Making an Intimate Relationship Work

    Couple Silhouette

    “True closeness respects each other’s space.” ~Angelica Hopes

    It was a Friday, the workweek had ended, and I was excited for my boyfriend to come home. (Okay, I’m talking about an ex-boyfriend—these steps took me time to implement…)

    I’d gone grocery shopping and had two steaks to grill, with asparagus and a bottle of wine chilled.

    I heard the garage door and the dog ran to meet him. I knew he would drop his briefcase and come to the kitchen to give me a hug. Then, he would take off his shoes and find the couch to decompress for a few minutes.

    But I couldn’t know prior what mood he’d be in—no way to predict before that ten-second greeting if he’d had a hard day and would need some space or if he was ready to be close.

    And vice versa. He could have found me cheerfully setting the table or on the couch instead, watching Housewives on Bravo, curled up in a blanket.

    I have to admit that I’ve had a lot to learn about relationships. And it’s all because at times I wanted to be close, and at times I needed distance.

    Depending on where I was within my own self-security, I could be terrified of entrapment or at times wanted to dissolve in another.

    We all want closeness in varying degrees. And depending on daily life circumstances, we want different things.

    Yet, at times we act out certain patterns in our various needs for security in our relationships:

    We can be anxious: We can cling, be needy and dependent, or complain. We grasp, wanting the other to relieve our fear of abandonment, loss, or rejection.

    We can be avoidant: We can push away, shut down, criticize, or refuse to communicate. We find other things to put our attention on to come between us and our relationships.

    We can be ambivalent: Depending on how we feel, we can flip between anxious or avoidant—all due to the uncertainties of intimacy. We either crave closeness and grip or cut off, perhaps unconsciously.

    And lastly, we are secure: We feel safe in closeness and also have loving boundaries when we need space for ourselves.

    Oh, how I’ve wished my MO were more secure at times. But in truth, it’s normal and natural in relationships to be anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent. We’re human. And it takes practice.

    There are also those wonderful, easy moments of self-security shared.

    I was having lunch with two friends of mine who are married. She was away on business a lot of the time. He was visiting her on one of her trips to New York City. It was understood that on some days she would be working and on the days she wasn’t, they’d be doing fun things together.

    They showed up to the lunch irritated. As a bystander, it was easier to observe.

    He was frustrated because as they were having coffee that morning, she was catching up on her social marketing on her phone. He wanted quality time with her. After all, he’d flown in to see her.

    She was frustrated because she felt like he wasn’t having compassion for the small things she still needed to do for her job. Besides, they’d just had two days together, touring around New York City.

    What I saw was the simple pattern: She needed some space. He wanted closeness.

    But then he said to her, “If I knew you were going to be on your phone, I would have gone to the gym instead.”

    It seemed he wished he had taken care of his own needs. He didn’t really mind that she needed to do some work—he was actually regretting not grabbing some time for himself.

    I learned so much from that lunch, watching them. It reminded me of times I wanted to be close and have some space after being close for a while, but didn’t know how to ask for it and how guilty I could feel about it.

    Here are the three steps to create a relationship that works:

    1. Recognize when space or closeness is needed either in yourself or in your partner.

    2. Gently communicate your needs and respect the other’s desire.

    3. Compromise by seeing the dance of space as an energy trade. If you pushed away last, perhaps you could make an attempt for closeness. Or if last time you asked for closeness, it’s your turn to offer space.

    It’s also important to realize that our partners may not be able to give what we need all the time and to accept that.

    I couldn’t depend on my ex-boyfriend to always come home from work relaxed, happy, and excited to see me. Nor could he depend on me either.

    But what I can depend on is being aware of my needs and communicating them, lovingly.

    Honey, I need closeness. 

    Babe, I need some space.

    Aside from communication, there’s also an inner responsibility:

    If we tend toward anxiousness, the trick is to rest in the discomfort of spaciousness without needing someone else to complete us and fill it with our own self-nurturing instead.

    If we lean toward the avoidant, the trick is to be aware of our fear of closeness and open. To take a risk to receive, soften our heart and let love in.

    Obviously, there are relationships where there is too much dependency or too wide of a gap—where the other is no longer present. When this happens, therapy is a good thing. (Haven’t I known it!) 

    There’s this story about a horse in a large field. He has his favorite place grazing in a corner. If you put a fence around him, nine times out of ten he bucks up. If you take the fence down, chances are you still find him peacefully chewing in his corner.

    The same goes with relationship.

    One two three, one two three, we waltz. You step forward. I step back. But in each other’s embrace we dance.

    How might you offer your beloved a sense of closeness or some space today? How might you get your needs met on your own regardless?

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Happiness Starts with You

    Happiness Starts with You

    Happiness Starts with You

  • A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

    A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

    Power Posing

    “Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.” ~Plato

    A few weeks ago, I was standing in front of a mirror in the women’s bathroom at work.

    I could feel the cold sweat down my spine and was angry for not being able to gain a better control of myself. I attempted everything in the book—took deep breaths, closed my eyes, tried to calm down, counted slowly to fifty.

    No change.

    My anxiety was still running high, my pulse was rushing, and I looked as a frightened little bird trapped in a cage. The occasion? An executive meeting that I was supposed to lead and pitch an idea to the company’s CEO about ways to achieve efficiency and save some money.

    No biggie, some would say. In fact, many people would thrive at the opportunity to make themselves visible to the highest levels of leadership. I wish I were one of those thrill-loving extroverts.

    As an introvert, though, I shy away from being the centre of attention. Right now, I was also terrified. And as I was standing in the washroom, I felt as if I would have a heart attack. And nobody would know what a great presentation I had prepared!

    Then, I remembered something that I read a while ago. Worth the try…

    In 2012, at the TED Global conference in Edinburgh, Prof. Amy Cuddy, a social psychologists from Harvard University gave a speech that became one of the most watched TED talks of all times. The topic: “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are.”

    The main idea is that standing in certain poses, even if we only visualize it, can give us an instant boost of self-esteem, although we may not feel truly confident on the inside. In other words—faking it can help us make it.

    Her research has shown that by taking a power pose—or, as she calls it, “making ourselves big”—for two mere minutes before an important meeting can change our brains and make us more assertive and less anxious.

    After only two minutes, our testosterone levels increase by 20% while cortisol levels decrease by 25%. (Ideally, every great leader has high levels of testosterone and low levels of cortisol). The power poses are the ones where we spread ourselves.

    For instance, forming a “V” with our hands or putting our hands on our hips. Poses, such as crossing our arms in front of us or hunching forward, in contrast, make us feel small and insecure.

    Therefore, if we want to portray instant confidence, we should practice power poses daily.

    This notion may not sound as a revolutionary one at a first listen. But, in fact, it is.

    The “power poses” study shows that by standing in certain body positions, we can make ourselves not only appear more confident to others but also feel this way. In other words, we can change who we are, as Prof. Cuddy puts it.

    Our brains’ chemistry would change, literally. And therefore, over time, our personality would as well.

    My train of thought races forward to yet other pieces of research I’ve read about, done few years ago on smiling.

    Many studies have previously shown that smiling is not simply a way to do facial gymnastics, nor something that we should only engage in when we feel happy. Conscious efforts and even “training” ourselves to smile can make us feel happier.

    It’s not always an inside-out relationship (we feel happy, therefore we smile) but rather greater benefits can be experienced the other way around—when we start with that small facial gesture that can, in turn, change our mood, make us appear more likeable and competent to others.

    Simply put, smiling can make us feel happy.

    The proof and the examples are countless.

    Patients injected with Botox who are unable to frown have reported to feel generally happier than those who can express negative emotions. People that smile during medical procedures have also stated to feel less pain.

    Even more surprising, though, is the fact that Charles Darwin was one of the first scientists to propose this idea. All the way back in 1872, Darwin stated that “the free expression by outward signs of an emotion intensifies it. Even the simulation of an emotion tends to arouse it in our minds.”

    Simply put, he suggested that even faking an emotion can light up our brains and make us feel better. Exactly as Prof. Amy Cuddy has also stated and proved so many years later.

    If we convince ourselves that we are happy and smile often, or that we are confident and fearless and start acting this way, over time, we do become happier and more confident. Pretty amazing!

    Back to my reflection in the mirror. So, I spent two minutes in a “V” pose, and another two with hands behind my head and elbows to the side.

    Up until today, I am still unsure if this really helped me to pull through that day, or it was my self-persuasion that I would somehow make it. Regardless, I did feel better—after the “V” pose and grinning for about five minutes without stopping.

    I can only imagine what I looked like to a bystander! But hey, if smiling and taking “big poses” can help us live a longer and happier life, does it really matter if we look quirky in front of a bathroom mirror form time to time?

    Finally, if you ask me today what the secret to being a cheerful, confident, and fulfilled individual is, I would tell you that it may as well be something as simple as becoming a smiling Wonder Woman (or Wonder Man) for few minutes every day.

    Girl in superhero costume via Shutterstock

  • Changing Directions: 6 Tips to Help You Do What’s Right for You

    Changing Directions: 6 Tips to Help You Do What’s Right for You

    Man at a Crossroads

    “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” ~Lao Tzu

    One month before my girlfriend, Sara, gave birth to our first child, we decided to move back to my small hometown to be close to my family.

    This was a great moment for my family, especially for my mom and dad, who had given up hope of me moving back a decade ago.

    I sold my apartment and we signed a rental lease in my hometown. Everything was set and good to go. Sara and I were happy, and we had a plan to follow once the baby was born.

    However, the joy lasted no longer than a long Norwegian summer month.

    When our daughter, Luna, entered the world on the first of June, Sara and I had big doubts about our move.

    Sara didn’t have a job in my hometown, and there aren’t many jobs available. She’d probably have to commute to a larger city, Stavanger. That would result in her spending three-plus hours commuting, losing time with our newborn daughter and me.

    We were aware of this situation before. However, after Sara gave birth, she realized that she didn’t want to spend more time away from Luna and me than absolutely necessary.

    Also, we couldn’t get a bank loan since Sara didn’t have a job and I’d just started my business. And the monthly cost of renting is a lot more expensive than owning an apartment.

    Lastly, we did not have the same network of people in my hometown as we do in nearby Oslo (the capital of Norway).

    Even though we both had a gut feeling that it was wrong, it was still a hard choice to make.

    First of all, we had nowhere to live. I’d already sold my apartment and I didn’t want to cancel the deal, since it would cost me about $10,200 in expenses.

    It was even more expensive to rent in nearby Oslo than in my hometown, which would make it an even worse deal.

    And I didn’t actually want to rent, since I’d previously owned an apartment. I thought it would feel like taking several steps back.

    I talked to the real estate agent who sold my apartment, and he said that the prices on property would continue to rise, regardless of the media saying that the prices would soon have to reach their peak. So buying an apartment would be the best move for us.

    Since I’m normally a calculated guy who is good when it comes to planning and making strategic decisions, I was embarrassed that we were having a change of heart.

    My mind was probably clouded by knowing that I was going to become a father for the first time.

    I didn’t want to hurt my dear family’s feelings, but we had to follow our gut instinct.

    After several evenings of the same discussion and a feeling of uneasiness that made it hard for us to sleep, relax, be happy, and enjoy our time with our newborn daughter, it was time to do what was right, regardless of how difficult it was.

    I’ve been through a lot of challenges and changes in my life; however, this is by far most challenging choice I’ve had to make.

    Why? Because it involved hurting the feelings of the people who I love the most—my dear family.

    Still, we made the decision that we knew was right for us, and it was time for some massive action.

    We cancelled the rental lease in my hometown, searched online for apartments (both for rent and for sale), and chose three for sale that we would take a closer look at the next day.

    After seeing those apartments, I told my family that we weren’t moving, due to our lack of secure income, and explained our situation. They were, of course, sad but they understood the situation.

    Fortunately, we won the bidding war and were able to buy the apartment we liked the best. When I told my family the good news, they were happy for us, despite their disappointment (which is one of the reasons why they mean so much to me).

    We did all this in a period of three days. None of this would have happened if Sara and I didn’t have a strategy and take massive action.

    Throughout this process, I learned six lessons about changing directions.

    1. Accept the change.

    Your life situation can change in a split second, and you have to adapt.

    It’s not always easy to change your mind in life, but even if it’s hard, it’s worth the effort in the short-term to avoid feeling unhappy and regretful in the long-term.

    Sara and I would have been unhappy if we moved, since every single fiber in our body told us that it was the wrong decision.

    2. Don’t procrastinate.

    Procrastinating on big decisions only makes it worse, and they will weigh you down and can make you become depressed.

    3. Face the fear.

    It’s natural to feel afraid of making a hard decision when you fear upsetting other people. However, the most important thing is that you are happy. The people who love you likely understand this and realize that you need to do what’s best for you.

    4. Explain the situation.

    You might fear that people will judge you for your decisions. I was afraid of this too, but they understood when I explained why we needed to make this choice. In addition, the explanation took a bit of the sting out of the bad news.

    5. Follow your gut feeling.

    Tune into your intuition. It will tell you what the right decision is.

    You might feel physically sick when you think about the choice that isn’t actually right for you. You might find yourself asking people for advice and hoping they’ll give you a specific answer, which means that it’s likely the answer your intuition is telling you is right.

    6. Decide to act—and then do it.

    The same recipe for achieving your goals also applies to making a change.

    • You have to identify what you want to change in your life.
    • You have to find out the price of the change. What do you have to sacrifice?
    • You have to have a strong why. Why should you be willing to go outside your comfort zone and complete challenging activities in order to create change?
    • Then you have to decide. Are you willing to pay the price in order to successfully implement the change in your life?
    • If you decide that you will make the change, you have to commit to completing all the necessary tasks whether you feel like it or not.

    Remember that you can’t make everyone happy. The most important thing is to think about your own needs. Only by taking care of your needs can you be there for other people.

    Now you have the recipe for how to handle big changes.

    Go out there, follow your gut, and face your fears!

    At the end of the day you are the one who have to live with the consequences of your choices. You will thank yourself in the long run when the storm has settled.

    Man at crossroad image via Shutterstock

  • The Pain Won’t Stop Until You Accept What Is

    The Pain Won’t Stop Until You Accept What Is

    “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    Life is sometimes ridiculously hard. It sucks. It rips out your heart and your entrails, spins them around the room, and stuffs them back in unceremoniously through the hole from which they were ripped.

    And it expects you to smile and carry on. People expect you to carry on. Because that is what we think people do.

    I felt like this a few years ago when my marriage ended. Luckily, I had good people around me. They didn’t expect that from me.

    I, on the other hand, expected me to get right back on that horse. I had to keep going, to be stronger. To not let it affect me that much. So I berated myself. I got angry with myself. I hated myself (because that was exactly what I needed, right?)

    The thing is, when you are in the thick of it, you don’t know what you need. You know there is pain and you want it to stop. Please, please, just stop!

    And then there is the anger. This is the hurt you don’t understand yet. Hurt without compassion, hurt without direction.

    It explodes. It finds a way, a way out, somehow. Eventually.

    My expectations were so high. Or should I say, it was my hopes that were high. It had to stop.

    I couldn’t function until it stopped. I couldn’t forget until it stopped. And I wanted to forget so much.

    I wanted to forget how I felt now. I wanted to forget how I felt before—because then I wouldn’t miss it so much. I wanted to forget the good things she did because remembering caused pain.

    Conversely, I wanted to forget the bad things she did because those memories caused pain, too.

    In addition, I wanted to forget every small little detail of the stupid things I’d said and done that I wished I hadn’t, the things I went over and over and over in my head. Those sharp, jagged memories I just couldn’t switch off, each one like a fishhook being carefully placed beneath my skin, then mercilessly torn from its grip.

    I scurried desperately for refuge inside my head. I stayed in there. Outside were people.

    People would want to talk to me, to make eye contact. I was incapable of either. I was scared.

    I was frightened and ashamed and I didn’t want to see caring in someone else’s eyes. I didn’t want to hear kind words. I didn’t know how I would respond.

    I didn’t know if I would break down in tears, descending to that place I hated where I was a pathetic, whining fool who brought it all on himself. Or alternatively, to the place where I got so angry at how I was treated that I didn’t want anyone to see the look in my eyes. To see the raw anger and furious energy that burned inside of me.

    I didn’t want to be seen. Being seen asked questions. Questions I wasn’t ready to answer.

    It was like a living volcano raging inside me. I went to counseling because I needed an outlet. I needed to get it out.

    The hope inside of me that we would get back together restricted me from talking to people close to me. “What if we got back together?” What if in my pain and my hurt I said things about her, how would people see her when she came back? That would make it difficult for her.

    In retrospect, I think I knew it was over, deep down, but I was still fighting what was. This false hope also gave me a reason not to open up or face things.

    I look back with gratitude that I somehow found the wisdom in the bottom of that cold, dark place to take that step, to actually do something.

    All of my life I had bottled up feelings. I had been strong. I had controlled my emotions.

    I wasn’t a walking unfeeling marble statue. I did let loose some emotions. But I never really fully let go.

    I never allowed myself to feel it all completely. I never surrendered. I was always fighting reality.

    When I finally relinquished my hold on trying to control everything, it all changed. I allowed it to fall, to break free. I held nothing back.

    It was here, in this moment, I finally grasped that accepting where we are is the most important step in any change process.

    It was the only way through any journey of pain, to allow yourself to feel it without judgment. From the maelstrom of confusion, darkness, hail, wind, and rain in my mind, the storm started to pass.

    It was like waking up lying on a beach after a shipwreck. Battered and bruised, feeling empty inside, lost, lonely, not knowing where you are, where you are going or how. But in the center, deep inside, there is a calm. Something that whispers, “The worst is over.”

    Suddenly, I was able to sleep again. I woke each day without that feeling of readying myself for battle. My food tasted better.

    I still had the hurt, but it was dulled. I still had the memories, but the sharpness around the edges began to blur a little. I had still to figure out what my life was going to be like without her in it, but I had survived.

    All of this I allowed when I surrendered.

    When I stopped fighting reality my mind calmed, and I understood that what has happened outside of me “is what it is.” I cannot change that, only how I respond. Accept.

    My prolonged and persistent pain was coming from my refusal to accept this. When I stopped fighting what was, when I stopped trying to fight against the waves rather than letting them carry me to shore, I finally found peace. Surrender.

    The reality wasn’t different. I still had to deal with my new situation, with my new life. But the storm in my mind had quieted. It was easier to see.

    What I learned here wasn’t just about a break-up. It wasn’t just about dealing with pain. For me, this was a massive life lesson.

    There are still many times when storm clouds amass in my mind. I remember not to fight the reality, whatever is going on in my life. I remind myself, “This too shall pass.”

    Everything is transient. Everything ends. Good and bad.

    So I wait during the bad times. I watch, I observe, I learn. I focus on what I can control and I don’t resist and fight what I can’t.

    And I remember to cherish the good moments because they too shall pass. Life is so much richer when we surrender to it rather than fighting it. It all starts with accepting what is.

  • 25 Loving, Supportive Things to Tell Yourself Today

    25 Loving, Supportive Things to Tell Yourself Today

    Happy Woman

    “Identify one supportive phrase you wish you heard more growing up. Every time you pass by a mirror today, look at yourself and say that.” ~from Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges

    When I was a kid, an authority figure once told me, “If I was your age, I wouldn’t be your friend.”

    I tried to act like I didn’t care so I wouldn’t give that person the satisfaction of knowing how deeply they hurt me.

    But it hit me hard, and it stayed with me for years. Someone who was supposed to like me didn’t, so why would anyone else ever love me?

    There was something fundamentally wrong with me. And I wasn’t good enough at anything I did. Even when I did my best, I was never the best, so that meant I was a failure.

    These beliefs guided my childhood and adolescence. When I got to adulthood, I frequently sabotaged relationships thinking, “They won’t want to spend time with me. Why would they? I wouldn’t if I were them.”

    And I regularly overextended myself, only to beat myself up when I inevitably failed at juggling far more than any one person should have to carry.

    The voice in my head was callous and cruel. It took me years to realize it wasn’t even mine.

    Growing up, many of us heard more about what we were doing wrong than what we were doing right (from people who had the same experience growing up). And for a lot of us, there were more punishments than rewards, at home and in school.

    It makes sense, then, that so many of us grew into anxious, insecure adolescents, and then matured into fearful, self-doubting adults.

    But we’re not kids anymore, and we know better now than to believe everything we’re told.

    More importantly, we don’t have to continue hurting and criticizing ourselves. We don’t have to bully ourselves over our perceived shortcomings. We can stop the cycle.

    If you follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, you’ve likely seen the “love challenge” graphics I’ve been sharing for the last month.

    Each one offers something simple you can do to improve your relationships, open yourself up to new ones, or nurture your relationship with yourself.

    And each one comes from my upcoming book, Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

    Recently, I posted the challenge below and asked Facebook followers to share what phrase they wished they heard more as kids.

    One Supportive Phrase

    Their responses reminded me that we all have the power, every day, to give ourselves the same kind of love and support we’d want from other people. In fact, it’s a prerequisite to getting love and support from others, because we’re only ever open to receiving what we believe we deserve.

    We all deserve to hear these things—from others and ourselves:

    1. I love you just the way you are.

    2. When you need something to believe in, start with yourself.

    3. I’ll always be here for you. I love you unconditionally.

    4. You deserve to be happy.

    5. You look beautiful.

    6. Don’t be afraid—you are good enough.

    7. I believe you are very capable of taking care of yourself, with or without someone else to take care of you.

    8. Anything you can imagine is possible. The only thing to fear is fear itself.

    9. Everything will be okay. Even if its not, it will be.

    10. You are enough as you are.

    11. You are an individual and are perfect the way you are now.

    12. You can do anything you set your mind to.

    13. It’s okay to make a mistake.

    14. I believe in you.

    15. You tried—that’s good enough.

    16. I’m proud of you.

    17. You don’t need permission from anyone to dream and explore your interests and passions.

    18. You have a beautiful soul.

    19. You are safe.

    20. You’re doing great.

    21. You can do anything.

    22. I want the best for you.

    23. You’re handling it beautifully.

    24. You are awesome, kid.

    25. I love and accept you no matter what.

    Imagine what the world would be like if we all told ourselves these things every day.

    Imagine a world full of people who believe in themselves, encourage themselves, and forgive themselves for their mistakes.

    Imagine a world full of people who speak to themselves kindly and look in the mirror and see nothing but love—and then take the positive, loving energy into their interactions with others.

    I’d like to be part of that world. And I know it starts with me—and you.

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Ways to Learn from Your Negative Thoughts

    7 Ways to Learn from Your Negative Thoughts

    Positive and Negative Thinking

    “The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.” ~Plutarch

    I remember when I first learned about positive thinking. I was to observe my thoughts, then sort them into “useful” and “not useful.”

    This made sense to me, and it surprised me how many “not useful” thoughts I encountered. On a daily basis, I was telling myself that I was not good enough, that things could never work out, and that I was on the verge of being fired from my job.

    “Not useful, not useful,” my mind kept repeating. And yet the thoughts persisted. Why was this? Why wasn’t my positive thinking working?

    I began repeating affirmations. I made a list of everything I hated about myself, then reframed it in the positive and read it every day. I repeated mantras. I watched YouTube videos with subliminal messages.

    And yet I was calling myself a worthless P.O.S. on a daily basis.

    It was only when I began working with a therapist that I began to see the value of my “negative” thoughts. I told her about my sorting process, and her response was, “That’s good, but you’re missing some in-between steps.”

    Those in-between steps involved looking deeply at the negative thoughts, questioning their validity, and then redefining them.

    Rather than rejecting a part of my mind, I began to lean toward it, to learn from it. Thoughts that don’t feel good are merely opportunities to redefine, to change reality as you know it, and to help your own mind to suffer less. When you know how to handle them, they are gifts.

    Here are some steps you can take to lean toward negative thoughts and redefine them:

    1. Observe (without judging) your emotions.

    However you feel is fine. Really, it is. Emotions are attention-getting devices that the mind uses to help you observe your thoughts. Notice, especially, when you don’t feel good. When do you experience fear, hopelessness, or anger?

    2. Notice the thoughts behind the emotions.

    Feelings are caused by thoughts. You can access these thoughts by asking “Why?” Why are you afraid? Why do you feel hopeless? Why are you angry? The thoughts behind the emotion can show you your mind’s misunderstandings, because any thought that causes an unpleasant emotion is likely caused by an assumption. And assumptions can be redefined.

    3. Channel your inner two-year-old.

    And “why?” And ask it again. Why do you think what you do? And why do you think that? What might you be assuming? And what are you basing that assumption on? Who are you considering to be your authority? Question, question, question. Dig deeply, and look at every facet of that assumption. It might be helpful to type or write this out.

    4. Look at the “evidence” for your belief.

    The mind can only see evidence for what it already believes. So what experiences, conversations, etc. is your mind using to prove its “negative thought” true? List them. Then ask why they are true? Do they make sense?

    5. Come up with other possibilities.

    What other explanations are there? For example, if a co-worker yells at you and you are assuming it is because you are lazy, what other reasons could there be? Could they be stressed out at home? Pressured by deadlines? List as many other possibilities as possible.

    6. Find evidence for at least one possibility.

    Your mind is subconsciously finding evidence for its assumptions, and now you are going to fight fire with fire. Why should your redefinition be true? Prove it to yourself!

    7. Repeat.

    Repetition is how the mind learns. You will need to repeat this process, even if it seems to be verbatim. And you will need to vary the wording, as your mind presents it to you. Eventually, your subconscious mind will accept your redefinitions, and you will see a natural end to your negative thoughts.

    For me, this process was life-changing. I began therapy living in a four-bedroom house, working in the job I had held for ten years.

    I did not love the job. I did not want to raise my daughter (who has autism) in that school district, which would provide her with minimal help. I did not want to retire in that town, where people used four-letter words in restaurants and teenagers pushed baby buggies down the sidewalks.

    So, as I redefined the beliefs I held about myself, I found that the limitations I had placed upon myself disappeared.

    I had wanted to move to a warmer climate, but I doubted my ability to land a new job. So I tried. I pulled the right strings and landed a Skype interview 1,300 miles away. The day after the interview (which I had deemed to be a failure) I received a job offer.

    We emptied our house, signed it back over the bank, and took whatever our Volvo station wagon would carry to Houston. A year later, we moved onto a small thirty-five-foot sailboat. Our goal now is to be cruising full time within the next five years.

    In the meantime, we are enjoying our life in the marina, which is a tight-knit community that will always be “home” to us. And I am not afraid to try new things, to take “risks” and to see exactly what my potential is.

    What is the moral of our story? Don’t let your thoughts and fears limit you. They may seem like gospel truth, but nothing actually is. Everything you think, everything you feel, is up for questioning. If it doesn’t make sense to your mind, it can be redefined.

    Had I been limited by my beliefs about myself and my fears, I would still be living in that house. Instead, I am free to explore the world, and to re-invent the “American dream” as my family sees fit.

    I have learned that I am more than those fears that kept me stuck in that job for ten years, and my life consists of more than that house and the property that we thought was “ours.”

    Take nothing for granted, and don’t accept anything as the “way it has to be.” Look closely at your negative thoughts and redefine them in a way that helps you to reach your own potential.

    Positive and Negative Thinking image via Shutterstock

  • When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

    When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

    Quarreling Couple

    “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou

    I remember first hearing these words in my early twenties. I heard them. I just didn’t follow them. Hence, I brought myself a whole lot of painful lessons and needless suffering because I always wanted to give people a second chance, and a third, and a fourth … You get the picture.

    I was the girl who always saw the “potential” in people. The person they “could” be, with a little love and nurturing from yours truly. I considered myself to be one of the most loving, loyal, and big-hearted people out there. And besides, there were very few things I truly wanted that I went after and didn’t get.

    I suffered many disappointments and even more heartbreaks because of this, both in friendships and romantic relationships.

    I expected people to change just because I thought they should be or feel a certain way. But at that point in my spiritual journey, I hadn’t yet learned that everyone is on their own path, and sometimes their soul just isn’t in alignment with yours.

    When I fell for some guy and had it made up in my mind that he was “it,” I made a lot of excuses for his behavior, which was never in alignment with what I was looking for. Well-meaning friends would warn me in the beginning: “He doesn’t sound like a good match for you. His behavior seems a little sketchy.” Did I listen?

    No. My ego was way too big. Sure, I saw the behavior. I even saw the red flags. But I thought I was “different.” I was so special that I felt I could change that person… just by being wonderful, amazing me.

    NOTE TO SELF: When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!

    I married someone after seeing all the red flags in the very beginning. Behavior that didn’t add up to what I was being told, behavior in past relationships that was not filled with integrity. But there was so much about him that was good and pure, and the love and passion we had for each other was real and intense.

    I truly believed that people could change. And they can. But more importantly I believed I was different, and that behavior would never exist again now that he was with me.

    It should be no surprise that the marriage ended and was the most devastating and painful loss of my life. But that was the moment I started to live by Maya Angelou’s mantra.

    The dating world after divorce is a lot of things—exciting, fun, scary, sometimes horrible, but most of all, a test. How much have you learned from your previous relationships? And what are you going to do differently this time around?

    For me, I learned a lot, but I have blind spots. And comfort zones I fall into. I keep gravitating toward men that feel “like home,” except that home never made me feel good or secure in it and it was definitely a place I shouldn’t consider settling in long term.

    Some warning signs I’ve finally learned to look for and walk away from:

    • Lack of commitment to anything especially in relationships
    • Not a great communicator
    • Not being emotive with feelings
    • History of cheating in past relationships
    • Always looking for the “next best thing”

    These are my red flags. Someone else’s may be completely different. But they are things I know just won’t work for me and will eventually lead to heartbreak.

    What I tell friends when I see them falling into the same trap I often do is to ask themselves some key questions and to be rigorously honest:

    • Is this person someone who embodies all the things that are important to you, or are you convincing yourself that you can change them? You can never change someone. Walk away.
    • Are you attracting the same type of person you always do (the one who never works out for you and always leads to heartbreak)? If so, walk away.
    • Does this person have all of the things that are on your “Essentials” List? Those are the things that are your “must haves” and are non-negotiable. For me, those are trustworthy, spiritual, a great communicator, and someone who is affectionate, loving, and expressive with their emotions. If this person doesn’t have your essentials, walk away.

    The best advice I got just this week was from a friend who knows my journey well. He said, “You know what. Just recognize that you are finally learning what your heart truly wants and moving closer to that every day. You’re walking away from people who aren’t in alignment with your core values anymore.”

    So yes, I’m learning. And I still have a ways to go. But I trust that the right one, the one who steals my heart for good, will show me how amazing he is for me…. the first time.

    Quarreling couple image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Thinking Patterns That Can Fuel Depression

    10 Thinking Patterns That Can Fuel Depression

    Depressed

    “Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded.” ~Buddha

    You know the feeling …

    When out of the blue your mood switches.

    One moment you’re feeling upbeat and optimistic; next you’re feeling down in the dumps.

    You can’t think clearly and struggle to put things into perspective. The bright outlook on life of a moment ago has vanished, and in its place now resides an intense longing for its return.

    You feel disconnected, lost, and confused, and everything around you looks and feels dark and bleak. And even though you have no reason to feel this way, it feels all too real to you.

    And you know where that leads. You’ve been there many times before and don’t want to go back.

    I know the feeling too.

    Recovery is such an illusory term.

    It implies that once recovered, the depression is gone. But those who have recovered know this is false.

    Recovering from Depression Is Not the End of the Battle

    Having spent half of my life depressed, two years after recovery, I still find myself waging the battle of relapse. A battle that at times seems harder to fight than the recovery—just as you tasted the sweetness of the non-depressed life, you never again want to taste the bitterness of depression.

    On the surface, a mood swing looks like “having a bad day.” The kind everyone experiences and snaps out of quickly. But for those with depression, the consequences of mood swings can be severe and lasting.

    First, there’s the sudden change in mood, the one that is more than “feeling-down-soon-will-snap-out-of-it,” followed by a drastic change in outlook. One moment you’re looking at life through clean lenses, and now dirty ones blur your vision.

    Then the inevitable guests start showing up—low self-confidence, paralyzed will, self-loathing, and the most dreaded of all, inertia.

    Not getting completely trapped in the spell of this depressed mood is key in preventing relapse, which is not always easy to do.

    How to Keep Depression from Disrupting Your Life

    I used to believe depression was about “feelings,” so my focus was on understanding and managing my emotions. An approach that not always kept me from relapse—until I learned about the connection between thoughts-feelings-behaviors and about mastering one’s mood, which gave me a new perspective on depression.

    We think. We feel. We behave.

    “It is an obvious neurological fact that before you can experience any event, you must process it with your mind and give it meaning. You must understand what is happening to you before you feel it.” ~David D. Burns, M.D.

    So, how do you master your mood? Well, it’s not that hard. It involves the following:

    1. Detecting the mood change, its severity, and duration.

    For me, the most severe of mood changes, when I’m most vulnerable to relapse, is when it lasts more than a couple of days.

    2. Knowing the consequences of giving in to the depressed mood, as this is key in forcing you to take action.

    In my case, it always leads to the vicious cycle of procrastination, guilt, regret, and self-loathing. A cycle that, once started, is difficult to break.

    3. Taking action to keep the depressed mood from lasting too long.

    The longer it lasts, the more debilitating it becomes, and the harder it is to get back to normal.

    One of the things I used to do as soon as my mood changed was write about how I felt, a strategy that didn’t always keep me from relapse. But when I came across Feeling Good by Dr. David D. Burns and learned about the thinking patterns of depression, I found a new way to battle it.

    The 10 Thinking Patterns You Need to Recognize to Prevent Relapse

    A few weeks ago, I found myself close to relapse after having completed a major project—one I’d been working on for a while that needed to be done—which put all other work on hold. When it was done, I felt pretty good, but the feeling didn’t last long, and I soon found my mood changing.

    One moment I was feeling happy and proud of what I’d accomplished; next I was miserable and beating myself down.

    I had no reason for feeling the way I did, and this was confirmed when I put the thoughts behind the feelings to the test using the ten thinking patterns of depression to challenge them.

    1. All-or-nothing.

    At the core of perfectionism is the tendency to evaluate ourselves in terms of absolutes and nothing in between—good or bad, winner or loser, smart or dumb. In this situation, not being able to do both—complete my project and keep up with other work—pointed to not having achieved the “perfect situation.”

    2. Overgeneralization.

    Believing that if something bad happened once, it will happen over and over and over. “I did it again,” the thoughts that reinforced the belief it will always be this way—unable to manage and prioritize my work.

    3. Mental filter.

    The tendency to focus on one negative aspect of a situation while ignoring all other positive evidence. In spite of having completed the project, my focus was solely on “how behind I was.”

    4. Disqualifying the positive.

    More destructive than mind-filtering, this involves taking a positive experience and turning it into a completely negative one. With all the distorted thinking already stewing in my head, the sense of achievement from this moment was replaced by a sense of failure for not being able to keep up with everything else.

    5. Jumping to conclusions.

    Automatically jumping to negative conclusions without any basis for it. The immediate assumption here was that “I’ll never be able to catch up,” even though I always have in similar past circumstances.

    6. Magnification and minimization.

    The tendency to magnify our mistakes and weaknesses while minimizing our successes and strengths. The heightened sense of failure for not being able to keep up obscured my abilities and skills to overcome this and any other challenges.

    7. Emotional reasoning.

    Looking at life through painful eyes where everything looks bleak and dark. Once the wheels of distorted thinking were set in motion, everything I needed to do to get caught up appeared daunting and impossible.

    8. Should statements.

    The useless mind-noise resulting from being disappointed with ourselves and the world, reminding us of what we could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve done differently. “I should’ve tried harder to keep up.” “I must do all of this to catch up.” These were the thoughts that began popping into my head.

    9. Labeling and mislabeling.

    The constant labeling and mislabeling of ourselves in a self-deprecating manner. Once trapped in this way of thinking, the usual self-loathing terms to devalue myself showed up—loser, not smart enough, can’t do anything right.

    10. Personalization.

    Feeling responsible and guilty when there’s no reason for it. Even though I had a valid reason to do what I did (postpone other work), I blamed myself and felt horrible for finding myself in the situation I was in.

    Everyone thinks in this manner at one time or another.

    But for those with depression, it’s a way of life, with each distortion feeding and supporting the others, keeping us in a constant state of emotional turmoil.

    Transforming the Distorted Thinking of Depression

    Giving the insane thinking of the depressed mind a name, an identity, takes away its power to make us depressed. A power that lies in its obscure nature and that, once exposed, can be seen and defeated.

    This new way of understanding how the depressed mind thinks revealed how most (if not all) of the time when I’m depressed, it has nothing to do with what’s going on in my life but rather the result of distorted thinking.

    Today, armed with this knowledge, whenever I feel the depressed mood coming on, I immediately start jotting down the thoughts that pop into my head. I give them form by labeling them, and then I replace them with rational ones by questioning their validity.

    In this situation, the negative thoughts “I am so behind, and I’ll never catch up” kept me from acknowledging the positive aspects of having completed a major project. A form of mind-filtering, they persisted, making me feel overwhelmed, guilty, and anxious, all potentially leading to relapse.

    On the surface, “falling behind” was true. However, the underlying assumption—that I intentionally procrastinated—was wrong.

    When I realized this, the distorted thoughts lost their validity giving way to a more accurate and rational way of thinking: That this was a major project that needed to be completed and required all my attention. And that “putting everything else on hold” was a conscious choice made and not due to procrastination.

    Master Your Mood and Stop Being Victimized by Depression

    One by one, I challenged and transformed every distorted thought until there were none. As a result, my mood improved, and I went back to relishing the joy and pride the moment warranted for having completed the project.

    You can do it too.

    Master the mood of depression so it doesn’t take over your life.

    Learn to master it, and never again feel the fear of relapse.

    Break the chains of its prison by giving form to its formless thinking, and free yourself once and for all.

    And never allow depression to keep you from fully and uninterruptedly savoring the joy that life brings!

    *This post represents one woman’s unique experience of preventing a depression relapse. If you’re struggling with depression and nothing seems to help, you may want to contact a professional. 

    Depressed image via Shutterstock

  • Now Is the Time to Appreciate Each Other and Enjoy Life

    Now Is the Time to Appreciate Each Other and Enjoy Life

    Friends Making Heart Symbol

    “If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you’d want to have spent it? Listen, the truth is, nothing is guaranteed. You know that more than anybody. So don’t be afraid. Be alive.” ~Sarah Dessen

    It was beginning to get dark. Lightning streaked across the cloudy sky above the ocean. The full force of the wind took the breath out of me as my eyes squinted from the heavy rainfall.

    Waves rolled in to crash down in front of me, as if the ocean was screaming at me.

    “Turn around, human. Go home!”

    “Maybe I should,” I thought. “What am I doing out here in this extreme winter weather?”

    But my intention returned. The news I had received that day continued to stir at the back of my mind. And so, I moved forward.

    The water was ice cold as the waves smashed against my legs. I moved forward.

    Just as I thought I could bear no more, I submerged myself underwater. The sounds and sensations shifted as I merged with the ocean for a brief moment. And then I resurfaced to brave the magnificent storm.

    In this moment, I felt so alive!

    I had awoken to the reality of life—that there is only one thing that holds us to this world. A heartbeat.

    Earlier that day I had received news that my friend, Nick, had tragically and unexpectedly passed away. His heartbeat no longer held him to this world.

    How fragile we truly are. Yet living this truth is where we truly fail.

    My ocean swim in extreme winter weather was a way to remember that I had a heartbeat; that I was alive. It was a reminder that all those I know and care about are mortal, fragile, and finite.

    Why had I ignored this truth? Why had I lived my life to this point in safe denial?

    Reflecting back on this experience, I have come to realize that when we lose someone, it temporarily shifts our internal compass of reality.

    It points us home, toward what some people call our “higher self,” “inner wisdom,” or put simply, our raw humanity.

    These lessons we learn from loss are valuable reminders for our own personal growth. They serve as road signs that lead the way back to our own humanity, which we so easily lose touch with in today’s society.

    In finding my own way back to humanity on that stormy night at the beach, my first road sign pointed toward letting go of judgments.

    Too often we form negative judgments about people based on their mistakes and choices we don’t agree with, and in doing so can’t see the best in them. What a selfish person! What a rude person! How could he do that!

    We create generalizations that cut us off from the people around us. We zoom in on these judgmental labels and before we know it, it’s too late to appreciate the people in our lives.

    I knew my friend who passed as a casual acquaintance for six years. Sometimes I thought he partied too hard. There were times where he even got into trouble with the law.

    Yet, there were so many things I could have appreciated more by simply looking beyond my judgments. 

    He was friendly and known by so many. He had a great sense of humor and was extremely fun to be around.

    His energy and zest for life were contagious. Although he had never been employed, I really admired his courage to live a satisfying life in his own way without worrying what others thought. But I never told him while he was alive because I was too busy judging his choices. And now I’ll never have the chance.

    Which judgments are getting in the way of connecting with people in your life? What would you appreciate about them if you knew your time with them was limited?

    My second road sign back to humanity pointed toward appreciating the present moment. Too often we sleepwalk through life, lost in our own minds with endless thinking. Many times we’re not even present in what we’re doing.

    If you’ve ever taken a shower and realized that you can’t remember whether you have already washed your hair, you will know what I am talking about.

    Perhaps you’ve taken a walk on the beach on a sunny afternoon, but spent the whole time gazing at the ground lost in thoughts about the day.

    The present moment? Before you know it, it’s gone.

    Appreciating the present moment is as simple as noticing the sensations and experiences around you.

    My spontaneous ocean swim allowed me to feel the heavy rainfall on my skin, the sheer force of the wind and waves against my body, and the exhilaration of submerging myself into the ice-cold water.

    What are the things that make you feel alive? What prevents you from fully enjoying those things, and what can you do to start experiencing them more mindfully?

    Oscar Wilde, a nineteenth century Irish writer, remarked that “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

    I encourage you to go beyond simply existing. Appreciate the present moment and completely savor the experience. Because that’s what we are all here for, right?

    In sharing my lessons from loss, I hoped that you too will remember that there is only one thing that holds us to this world: a heartbeat.

    Let this truth guide you in your actions every day, and be mindful of life lessons that serve as reminders.

    The moments we have are small grains of sand in an infinitely trickling universe; take time each day to enjoy the present moment before it trickles away.

    The people in our lives are drops in an endless ocean that forever ebbs and flows; take time each day to appreciate them before the waves carry them away.

    Friends making heart symbol image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Can’t Be Happy All the Time

    Why We Can’t Be Happy All the Time

    Sad Woman

    “Suffering is part of our training program for becoming wise.” ~Ram Dass

    Suffering by definition: the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship. As humans we typically strive for what we perceive the opposite of suffering, happiness: the state of being happy. Of course why wouldn’t you? Nobody wants to suffer.

    For many years I looked at the two as separate states of being. I felt if I was happy I would not suffer. Conversely, if I was suffering I could not be happy. It was a simple focus and one I felt was personally achievable. Easy, right? Choose happiness.

    I systematically removed and stepped away from all people and experiences I felt were in some way not happy or causing me suffering. I left jobs and relationships with little notice, under the guise of “sorry, I am just not happy.”

    I spent a great deal of time meditating, being mindful, and expressing gratitude. Not bad things to do but in my case perhaps slightly misguided. Filling my bucket, so to speak, with all things “happy.” I paraded myself and my Zen philosophy around like I was untouchable to suffering.

    I would sit back and receive compliments on my “evolved” thinking and state of being. I would wake up and plan my day of “being happy.” I mindfully embraced my feelings and thoughts of, “This makes me feel unhappy; therefore, I must remove it from my life.” I did so without hesitation or regard.

    This was all very delightful thinking until reality started knocking on my door. Thinking you can avoid suffering is kind of like thinking you control the ocean tide. Just in case you were wondering, you can’t.

    I had several people close to me pass away. I tried, I really tried, to release it with happiness. I was sad though. The more I tried to “happy” through it, the more I suffered.

    I fell in love, but I thought attachment would lead to suffering, so I denied my feelings and missed out on the possibility of a great relationship. The more I tried to “happy” through it, the more I suffered.

    I came under a great deal of professional stress, so I quit everything. Just like that, I chose to “happy” through it. How brave and mindful of me. What happened? The more I tried to “happy” through it, the more I suffered.

    I had created a perception to those around me and myself that I was happy, living in the present. So Zen. *So not Zen.*

    You know those people who go to yoga every day and glide though life with a calm flow, but then you are driving with them one day and someone cuts them off and they lose their mind, waving their fist and swearing? That was me. I had even started to refer to myself as 80% Buddhist and the other 20% of the time was reserved for “other.”

    For all intents and purposes I should have worn a t-shirt that said “happy most often with moments of reactive insanity.” I make light of it today, but it really was an ongoing and uncomfortable feeling of chasing happiness and justifying my unhappiness.

    One day I was sitting having my morning coffee and I thought to myself I don’t get it. I try to be happy; I do all the things that are “supposed” to bring happiness. Why do I feel like I am on a pendulum swinging between happy and suffering?

    Maybe part of happiness is not avoiding suffering? Maybe to experience happiness we actually have to experience everything else, including suffering. Then it hit me: Maybe my avoidance of suffering is actually causing me to continually suffer.

    Maybe I don’t control the tide of the ocean; maybe I am supposed to just go with it.

    What would happen if when I felt like I was suffering (hurt, fearful, or sad) I just went with that and stepped toward it rather than away from it? What if I didn’t dump the feelings and try to exchange them for happiness?

    So that was what I started doing. I didn’t stop doing all the things that bring me happiness. I didn’t stop being a good person, being thoughtful or mindful. I didn’t stop being me. I suppose I started being more me.

    I was learning to accept that suffering isn’t a bad thing, it is just part of life. Sometimes in order to appreciate happiness we have to experience unhappiness. We can’t say we are living if we are only choosing to allow in experiences and feelings that feel safe for us.

    As I write this today, I can’t say that I have mastered some special skill or can even offer some great insight in to happiness. This time last year I probably would have told you I did know the answers to it and could have given you a “top ten” list on how to achieve happiness and avoid suffering.

    I can offer my own experience. Happiness it isn’t a thing, just like suffering isn’t a thing. They are just feelings we experience. We either step toward them or we step away from them.

    I wake up every day and for the most part I would say I am a happy person. I find many things during the day that fill my heart, make me smile and laugh. I also have just as many things that scare me and that make me feel uncomfortable, things that take bravery and make me feel vulnerable. This doesn’t make me anything except human, just like you.

    I once viewed myself as a very unhappy and reactive person. I worked very hard to be an unreactive happy person.

    There is a place in the middle that respects our entire being.

    It is a place where we can be everything and anything.

    It is place where we are gentle with ourselves and brave.

    It is a place where we can embrace it all, with the understanding that each thread is important in weaving our story.

    Rather than chasing happiness or running from suffering there is another place we can go, an action we can take. I almost feel foolish for missing it for so long, as it is simple. It is called being yourself. It is a humble place, a sometimes scary place, a gentle place, and a place full of wonder, love, and opportunity.

    All you have to do is simply be yourself.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock