Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • How Accepting the “Bad” Can Lead to Joy and Growth

    How Accepting the “Bad” Can Lead to Joy and Growth

    Man in Field

    “The main affliction of our modern civilization is that we don’t know how to handle the suffering inside us and we try to cover it up with all kinds of consumption.” ~Thich Nhat Hạnh

    Since I was little, I’ve been taught to avoid what’s “bad” and move toward what’s “good.”

    Growing up, my mom would work day and night not only to support me and my little brother with the basic necessities, but to give us a “good” life.

    She loved us, so naturally she wanted to support us and to give us happiness, and she was obsessed with the idea that if she grew her business we would all have just that.

    She went from selling clothing she sewed in our home to interested buyers to moving millions of dollars of merchandise, made by teams of sewers, to other companies who sold it for her.

    Everything was in an effort to help keep us away from the “bad” and give us the “good.” If anything, she taught us that money was definitely a primary focus (or so I thought).

    I learned to draw a clear distinction between good and bad, and that I’m supposed to react a very specific way toward one (sadness, anger, fear toward those things I didn’t want—the bad) and a very specific way toward the other (joy, happiness, feelings of peace toward those things I did want—the good).

    I lived so much of my life trying to minimize, even eliminate, the bad and amplify the good as high as it would go, following the example that was set for me.

    But I didn’t get anywhere.

    At certain points, things looked better for a time, but then something would happen and mess it all up. At that point, I was left with no energy to continue and wondering if it was even worth it to try.

    Oddly enough, we can have some of our most peaceful moments when we give up all efforts at trying to find or acquire happiness.

    Up until now, I’ve been talking about myself. But this isn’t just about me, is it? No, this is our story—all of ours.

    We’ve all been taught to avoid the bad and do whatever we can to attract, or move toward, the good.

    We’ve also been taught to react negatively to those perceived “bad” things and positively to those perceived “good” things.

    The thing is, good and bad are concepts created in our mind; they’re not reality.

    To divide reality in this way is what’s called “duality,” and it’s the misconception that there’s this imaginary separation between things that really doesn’t exist.

    It’s harmful to live by duality, to imagine that the sorrow we feel when a loved one dies and the joy we get when we smell a flower are separate and unrelated things.

    There’s a saying that goes, “Without the mud, there can be no lotus.”

    What this means is that without our suffering, without the difficulties and challenges we’re faced with, we literally wouldn’t have the capability to experience peace and joy.

    Our pain and suffering is the very soil within which the flower of our true potential can grow. 

    Five years ago I was filled with stress, anxiety, and fear.

    My first son was to be born in a matter of months, and I had no idea how I was going to support my family. I could barely pay my bills, let alone be an example for my son, having still not accomplished anything of value in my life.

    But by accepting my challenges fully and openly, with love and compassion, I became liberated. My mind became clear and my challenges became fuel for the fire of my love to burn and become bright.

    What initially seemed like a great challenge turned into my greatest source of motivation, the motivation to get out there and do something my son would be proud of. And in that moment, my challenges were transformed into great sources of peace and joy. The bad became the good.

    It’s because of the sorrow, the anger, the fear, and the regret, frustration, and stress we feel that we’re able to experience the joys that life has to offer.

    Pain and suffering and peace and happiness are literally one and the same, more of a spectrum than two separate and unrelated things. Without one, we wouldn’t have the other. Knowing this, you must learn how to accept your pain and suffering and transform it.

    We’re the lotus bud waiting to awaken to our true potential. If we can learn to accept our mud (our pain and suffering) openly, honestly, and compassionately, we can transform our very relationship with it and realize greater peace and joy.

    Sometimes, we do things we regret. Sometimes, people do things to us. And sometimes, things happen that will effect us for years to come, or our entire lives.

    No matter how you suffer, no matter what type of pain you feel, accepting it as the bed in which you will grow is a liberating shift in how you see the world.

    Many times, simply making the conscious decision, “I accept this suffering,” instead of running from it or trying to push it away as we’ve been taught to do, can bring us much peace and joy.

    This isn’t about some special technique or practice; it’s simply about that mental shift—making the decision in your mind to honestly and compassionately accept everything that comes your way, good or bad.

    You can use this simple mantra to empower you during tough times and to remind you to accept your pain and suffering with open arms:

    I see you here ______ (fear, anger, sorrow, stress). My arms are open wide. I accept you fully, with love and compassion.

    It’s with this pain and suffering that you’ll blossom into a beautiful lotus.

    Accept these challenges as opportunities for growth and you’ll realize the true peace, joy, and freedom that exists beyond the concept of “good” and “bad.” “Good” things happen when you stop resisting the “bad” and instead allow it to transform you.

    Man in field image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Ways Introverts Can Super-Charge Their Happiness

    4 Ways Introverts Can Super-Charge Their Happiness

    Introvert

    “Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.” ~Susan Cain

    Do you get ticked off too?

    I mean, when people say you’re awkward, naive, and anti-social.

    Your feelings get bruised, and then you find yourself drowning in a sea of unhappiness.

    All you want is to be normal. To be accepted and to fit in. The more social you try to be, the more uhappy you get.

    You’ve worn all the right masks to be normal, but it seems all your efforts aren’t good enough.

    Well, I know that feeling all too well, unfortunately.

    How Trying to Fit in Made Me Unhappy for Years

    I was six years old when I joined the school dance team because I wanted to be like my friends. Long hours of practice replaced my alone time. It was rough. But all I wanted was to fit in and belong.

    I should have known public dancing wasn’t for me. I panicked during the audition, and all I wanted was to crawl under a chair. I stood frozen in fear the entire time.

    And boy, that didn’t go to well. No matter what I said to appease the teacher, she yelled and banned me from the school dance team.

    In college, I was embarrassed to tell my friends I would rather stay in than go out in loud and busy places.

    So, I followed my friends for adventures. It was okay for a few hours, but then I would take frequent bathroom breaks for quiet moments and to hear my own thoughts.

    I pushed too hard to hang out every weekend. By the end of the day, I felt like I had been in a marathon that I didn’t sign up for.

    After college, I ached to belong and be accepted. I always said yes, even when I wanted to say no, just to please others.

    A friend suggested we (including her nanny and child) rent a bigger house together and split the costs, which meant we would pay less than we were paying to live separately, and we’d enjoy living in a better neighborhood.

    Soon after we moved in together, her siblings moved in and took over the house. I was miserable. The house was crowded and noisy. There was no space for solitude.

    This invasion of space built lots of tension, so I moved out, and doing so ruined our relationship.

    I tried to explain, but I was misunderstood. I was left confused that my friend didn’t understand my need for quiet space. All I wanted was to have a happy friend who understood me.

    I stumbled upon personality types in my twenties and learned about the differences between introverts and extroverts. I finally realized nothing was wrong with me. I realized I was an introvert, and I learned that us introverts often feel isolated and misunderstood by society.

    After I understood myself, I stopped working so hard to fit in and please people. I was finally content just being myself.

    Knowing I was introverted empowered me to stand up for myself and overcome some of the roadblocks to my happiness. You can do this too.

    1. Focus on your strengths.

    Introverts tend to focus on their weaknesses, like not being good at small talk, and some beat themselves up trying to fix them.

    They might desire to be more talkative and outgoing, so they promise themselves the next time they go out, they’ll strike up a conversation. Or they promise in the next office meeting to voice their opinion. But when the moment comes, they back out and feel disappointed with themselves.

    I knew I was self-conscious when I danced, but I felt it was something I needed to fix. That’s why I kept signing up for dance teams, even while knowing that they’d just make me want to crawl under a chair.

    Are you focusing on your weaknesses and sinking in the sea of unhappiness?

    So what if you’re not the best at small talk? You have plenty of other positive qualities that you should be proud of—having a strong conscience, drawing energy from deep conversation, and being empathetic.

    Take fifteen minutes to just think about all the qualities you like about yourself. Jot them down. You might realize you have more positive qualities than you give yourself credit for.

    2. Socialize selectively.

    Shy introverts want to fit in, so they push their limit by attending parties out of their comfort zone.

    In college, my friends handled going out every weekend with ease. I followed my friends to parties I didn’t even care about, only to be left overwhelmed by all the noise and small talk.

    I started suppressing the feelings and struggled to toughen up. Doing so left me swinging back and forth, from happy to unhappy.

    Does that sound familiar?

    Trust your feelings to guide you. Learn to stop and retreat when you feel over-stimulated.

    You should only socialize in ways you feel comfortable with.

    Maybe having a small group of friends over for dinner is better suited to you. Maybe you know a couple of quieter cafes that you like and can refuse invitations to places you dislike.

    And maybe, if you do want to step out of your social comfort zone a bit, you should feel free doing so, but you should also feel free to go home when you feel over-stimulated.

    3. Honor your quiet time.

    Most introverts need their alone time. It makes them feel at ease and can help them catch their breath between social events. However, many introverts neglect this need.

    I used to say yes to every request I got, such as school sports kiosk, fundraising events, and baby showers. I wanted to fit in and was afraid of missing out on what was happening, but that only exhausted me.

    All that stopped when I understood I was wired differently and deserved to pamper myself with some quiet time.

    Honor your quiet time, and consider it as an investment.

    It’s okay to retreat for some nourishment and recharging. This sounds selfish, but it’s not. You cannot serve others well if you cannot care for yourself.

    4. Seek out kindred spirits.

    Most introverts have those friends who make them feel different and alone because not all understand the nature of introverts.

    They might try to bring you into the conversation when you’re content just listening. They might try to “help” you be more social and talkative. Or they might constantly ask why you’re being so quiet.

    I had such friends, and the more I tried to make them happy, the unhappier I got.

    I finally rocked my own boat. I no longer bent over backward to fit in, and I just expected people to respect me for who I was. Some fell overboard, but those who really understood me stayed.

    So, seek out support of kindred spirits who understand the uniqueness of each person.

    And because they understand other personalities, they already know how to manage and treat others.

    They will make you feel comfortable just being you around them. And you don’t have to try and fit in because they understand you and accept you for who you are.

    Time To Feel Complete

    Stop trying to fit in by changing your personality to match others because you’ll only make yourself unhappy.

    Instead, try to find people who will accept you for the introverted spirit you are.

    Remember, you’re not alone. Some historic figures such as Martin Luther King and Steve Jobs were introverts and happy too.

    You can be happier too if you focus on your strengths and accept yourself for who you are instead of trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

    Embrace your introversion.

    And spread your happiness to the world.

    Introvert image via Shutterstock

  • Think Less, Feel More

    Think Less, Feel More

    Get Out of Your Head

  • 4 Things to Remember When Life Feels Hopeless

    4 Things to Remember When Life Feels Hopeless

    “However long the night, the dawn will break.” ~African Proverb

    Were there times in your life where it felt anything that could go wrong went wrong? That was me five years ago.

    In a span of nine months, my marriage to a partner of eight years broke down, I lost four family members to unexpected deaths, and I suddenly found myself hurtled from living the dream life to being jobless, penniless, and homeless.

    To say life knocked the wind out of me would be an understatement.

    Each time I picked myself up, another blow would send me sprawling toward a sense of utter defeat. It was as if a tornado swept through my entire being and left me empty and devoid of hope, strength, and any ounce of self-belief.

    Shell-shocked, I spent that whole year crying. I would wake up crying in the mornings, run to cry in public toilets during the day, and end my days crying myself to sleep. It was a dark period of my life where everything was one blurry haze of tears.

    As those days of hopelessness stretched on, the only thing I could focus on was taking baby steps every day to build a new life and a new future.

    It was an arduous journey where I was often taking one step forward and two steps backward. Many times, I felt like I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I struggled to find the strength to inch forward.

    Five years on, I finally came out the other side. My new life and the new me are still under construction, but I now have in me a spring of strength to propel me forward, regardless of setbacks or how grim a situation seems.

    This newfound capacity did not develop overnight. It grew gradually as I practiced and incorporated into my life the valuable insights below.

    If you’re going through difficult times now, the following four reminders may help you be more resilient.

    1. Remember that life always changes. Things can get better.

    When troubles strike, it can feel like things will only get worse, but that is the pessimist in us talking. If we keep the faith and respond to the situation with positive and constructive actions, we can break out of the cycle and things can get better.

    Sometimes all we need to do is to simply let time pass and to resist the temptation to overreact and aggravate the problem. During times like these, I would distract myself by actively engaging in other areas of my life.

    2. Recall how you overcame similar struggles in the past.

    When plodding through a challenging time, it’s natural to be gripped by fear, self-doubt, and pessimistic thoughts that we won’t be able to surmount the obstacles. We forget that it always feels impossible until it’s done, and that we have overcome similar struggles in the past.

    A simple but extremely effective thing I did was to list down the occasions in my life where I busted through hurdles and rose above the seemingly insurmountable difficulties. As I penned out the victories, I found renewed faith in myself and in the unknown future, which may well bring the good instead of the bad like I feared.

    3. Remember that things aren’t as bad as they seem.

    Zoom out on the issue and focus on the grand scheme of things. More often than not, the raging fires in our lives hijack our attention and we fail to see the big picture. It’s rarely the case that every aspect of our lives went awry at the same time, and it’s critical to keep the right perspective when the going gets tough.

    We need to remember that our problems are merely a subset of everything that’s going on in our lives and not let the worries, fear, and anxiety overtake our minds. Even if every area of our lives—namely health, relationship, work, money, and passion—went haywire, the fact that we’re alive means there’s hope for things to turn around.

    4. Remember that there are still things to appreciate.

    Do not let the darkness blind you from seeing the stars. It’s human nature to get caught up with the things that are not working out in our lives and forget the good bits. I’m a big believer of a grateful heart being a magnet for abundance and miracles.

    No matter how terrible life may seem at any single point, there are always good things if we keep our eyes peeled for them.

    Thanks to the challenges, I came to see who my true friends were, and I also learned to appreciate many of the blessings I had taken for granted. I might have lost a life partner, loved ones, money, and employment, but these setbacks are transient.

    I would always have my degree, knowledge, skills, professional experience and network, and people who care deeply for me to fall back on and to get me back on my feet.

    As I grew stronger in handling life’s curveballs, I was grateful that I had developed this invaluable life skill at a young age so I can have the rest of my life to benefit from it. While maintaining a thankful heart, I realized that even in dark times there are stars we can gaze upon if we view our plight through the right lens.

    Which areas of your life are you struggling with right now? How do you cope and stay resilient?

  • Why Embracing Painful Feelings is the Key to Happiness and Freedom

    Why Embracing Painful Feelings is the Key to Happiness and Freedom

    Woman Feeling Free

    “In our struggle for freedom, truth is the only weapon we possess.” ~Dalai Lama

    I often ask myself what led me to that place of feeling like I didn’t deserve to love myself.

    When I look back to my youth I remember feeling hopeless. My mom, my hero, was sick a lot, and I could tell she wasn’t happy. And my dad didn’t always know how to act around a sensitive little girl.

    There was a “funny” story told at family gatherings about how after seeing the movie Mary Poppins, I would sit for hours in my little red rocking chair outside yelling, “Mary Poppins, please come and take me with you.”

    I would laugh alongside them at these stories, but in my stomach I’d always feel this sadness.

    I had wanted a flying nanny with a magical tote full of exciting gadgets to take me away to that land of dancing penguins, laughing, and flying kites. Away from the anxiety and sadness about my mom’s health.

    I felt afraid of losing my mom and not having any control to make it better for her. So at a very young age food became my best friend. It was a comforting to me, and I loved that I could actually control something in my life.

    In high school I discovered Dexatrim. This was my secret. And there was shame in that secret. But I got better and better at numbing my real feelings.

    I based my happiness on numbers—how much I weighed, how many calories I ate, how much money could I make, how many men could I get, and how many credit cards could I own.

    I attracted men who mirrored my thoughts about my body. Feelings about never being thin enough, smart enough, sexual enough, or pretty enough.

    All of this was in my head, controlling my life and ordering me around.

    So there I was, in my early forties, a successful makeup artist in the film industry. I had “the perfect life”—beautiful daughter, a gorgeous home, a handsome husband, vacations, cute dogs, a nanny, and a housekeeper.

    What the hell did I have to complain about? I was living the dream.

    But there I was, a middle aged woman who, at the very core of her being, despised herself. My life revolved around constant deprivation, spending money recklessly, and allowing myself to be in a controlling, verbally abusive relationship.

    I would love to say that one day I had enough and woke up from this self-defeating fog, but the way I’d treated myself had taken its toll. I was a forty-four-year-old zombie.

    I was numb, depressed, and basically dead inside.

    One day I heard the familiar voice of my husband yelling at me. Normally I would tune it out and accept the misery of it, but this time I noticed my six-year-old daughter was listening. What I saw in her expressions to this woke me up.

    Damned if I’d allow this sad, lonely, self-loathing history to repeat itself.

    I got help and moved out with my daughter and dog in tow.

    I slowly allowed feelings of anger, vulnerability, fear, and helplessness to come in, without giving them power over myself.

    I got better at setting boundaries with friends and men.

    I became accountable for my role in my life.

    I made peace with my ex-husband and myself.

    But my best friend, food, was a much tougher relationship to end.

    With the help of an amazing therapist, I did a great amount of work on myself and attracted a kind, loving man into my life. He made it safe for me to talk about the shame and guilt I had around my body and food.

    However, that “mean” Alison was still very much alive. One day I hit a wall. In two years I had lost twenty pounds, gained twenty-five, lost thirty, and gained thirty-five. My best friend, food, had become my worst enemy, and my body was paying the price.

    So I did something crazy: I allowed myself to stop all the constant chatter that was in my head. I sat quietly and let myself feel.

    And did I ever feel.

    All these feelings came flooding in: Guilt. Anger. Despair. Sadness.

    I felt asphyxiated. I wanted to run, shut it off, and go back to being miserably numb, but somehow I knew this is where it needed to end, right where it began. Inside of me.

    By not judging my feelings, by not making them right or wrong or giving them power over me, I learned to simply use them as a gauge for what I needed in that very moment.

    I was now able to love my body no matter what the number on the scale was because I was no longer controlling my body as a distraction from my feelings.

    I learned to not fight the feeling of being uncomfortable and to just accept it. This enabled me to hold my daughter while she cried and know that it was enough to just be there; I didn’t need to control or “fix it.”

    I also allowed myself to be vulnerable around my husband by sharing my feelings about my body and the shame I had felt. His loving support allowed me to feel safe to express my feelings openly without worrying he would leave me.

    It also allowed me to finally feel all the beauty in my life without worrying it would all go away.

    For so long I thought once I weighed a certain amount or had a certain amount of money I would feel whole. But you see, I had it backward.

    Once I allowed myself to just sit and feel, I could finally hear what was really missing in my life: all I’d ever wanted was to feel safe, loved, and heard, and to know I’d be okay if I let myself feel out of control.

    Food stopped being my friend and became a way to fuel my body. I allowed real friends in, ones that allowed me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.

    I changed my approach to money, no longer charging everything in sight because I was terrified of scarcity. I allowed myself to feel scared knowing that this was simply a fear, and it had no power over me.

    I learned that it was okay to show up as myself, and that controlling my life was not going to allow me to have the balance I so desperately craved. That letting go of control, allowing myself to feel, and relaxing in the present gave me happiness without having to stuff my feelings down or rely on food to soothe me.

    So you see, the very thing that scared me the most, allowing myself to feel, was actually the key to a happy life.

    It may seem counterintuitive, but numbing pain isn’t the way to escape it, because stuffing it down doesn’t make it go away. True freedom comes from feeling, learning what we need, believing we deserve it, and having the strength to create it.

    Woman feeling free image via Shutterstock

  • How to Kickstart a Healthy Habit When You’ve Gotten Off Track

    How to Kickstart a Healthy Habit When You’ve Gotten Off Track

    Man Meditating

    “Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn’t matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” ~Rumi

    Our spiritual, meditative, or other self-care practices can easily be interrupted, back burnered, or seemingly lost when one of life’s whammies happen.

    Sickness has thrown me off track more times than I care to count. Coming down with something again, swirling in negativity because once again my body had failed me, my immune system weak, I could not perform in the world the way I wanted for myself or for others.

    I was angry at sickness, couldn’t feed myself any nurturance, just wanted it to go away, and would stay mad until it did.

    I know that my over-the-top reaction to being sick has deep roots that require healing, and I’m working on it. But nothing propelled me faster into healing my mental baggage about being sick than my meditation practice when I did it during the down times.

    A teacher once asked me, “Do you meditate when you’re sick?”

    The question was profound and caused a resounding no. When rudely interrupted by sickness, I hadn’t yet fully grasped the concept of bringing all I am in the moment to meditation. Meditating while sick: remarkable, the bridge between a seemingly intractable mind state and a shift toward healing.

    It’s that it just wasn’t okay to be sick. As a mom to young children, it was not something I had time for. And I didn’t just get the sniffles or a little two-day thing; it was years of knock-down, drag-out, week-long illnesses that followed one after the other, sometimes with high fevers and flu symptoms. This brought me to despair.

    In meditation, I had the space to explore and acknowledge the roots of this despair, and my all-or-nothing thinking: “Oh no, I’m sick again, the world is going to collapse” held some painful attachments for me.

    I had to hold it all together. Who else would do it for me? How would I get my work done? How could I prove I was worth something if I wasn’t doing, being, making, becoming?

    My self-worth was wrapped up in how much I could do, clean, produce, or make right in the world. Self-care was just another “to-do list” item rather than a true refuge.

    At the time I was reading a lot about meditation but not quite doing it regularly yet. Life sure changed when I got out of the book and onto the meditation cushion!

    Since that low point in my well-being I’ve gotten a lot better. I’ve not only taken care of a lot of what was causing such immune system blowouts, but also healed my sleep problems through my meditation practice.

    Now that my kids are older I have the time to prioritize self-care. The crown jewel in that self-care is that I’ve become a daily meditator. And yes, I now meditate when I’m sick. What a difference.

    When you start doing your practice even when you’re sick, down, interrupted, or off kilter in some way, you know you have a true refuge in that practice. It may take you places that surprise you.

    Your practice may look different when you’re sick or going through a hard time. It might be shorter, smaller, softer. 

    Part of the self-care involved here is being flexible, and loving enough to yourself to give yourself the amended version, the lying down version, the restorative version. To know when it’s time for that and know that your practice is wide enough to encompass that flexibility.

    Your practice is not a narrow way of having to always be the same, or a measuring stick of how well you performed it that day.

    I still get sick and I still have that same old negative thinking crop up, a deeply rutted neural pathway that I luckily now know how to practice re-routing.

    I try to acknowledge that the voice of panic and negativity needs nurturance, rest, and meditation, even when in the past that voice has been my torturer and enemy.

    Your practice has healing and goodness for you that you can’t conceive of when you’re down. You don’t have to have a performance, just a practice. Some of these practices have been around for thousands of years for a reason—they work! And they work despite our protesting minds.

    Using a mantra to feed myself loving and healing words, lying down and listening to a guided meditation, allowing myself true rest while practicing the most basic of meditations—just watching my breath without engaging in the ups and downs of my thoughts—are all ways to still stay connected to my positive feelings despite the negative feelings being sick dredges up for me.

    It’s a whole new world to contemplate positive practices in times of sickness and derailment.

    Many things can pull us off track: family obligations, travel, stress, life’s unexpected difficulties. During all these times a little taste of the habit that has given us so much refuge can be a real comfort.

    I’ve had the great privilege of partnering in meditation with chronically ill and dying people. They were great teachers to me, showing me, in depth, that the practices we abandon in difficult times are the very things we need to comfort us the most.

    My practice doesn’t ask me to be perfect; it asks me to notice what’s going on and give to myself from its endless bounty of positivity and transformation, even when times are tough.

    No matter how long we’ve been away or how serious the interruption, there is a way to bring healthy habits and self-care practices back into our lives.

    Thoughts for bringing an interrupted practice back into your life after difficulty:

    1. Start small.

    Don’t make crushing goals that are all about self-improvement. If you used to meditate, exercise, or practice yoga for half an hour but your practice stopped or feels derailed, take it back down to five, ten, fifteen minutes, whatever is do-able and can set you up for success.

    There’s no pass or fail, here. Start somewhere and let that be good enough. It is good enough.

    2. Practice self-compassion.

    Life can throw us. Coming back to meditation or self-care is an act of self-compassion in the midst of turmoil. Have compassion for yourself, acknowledging that whatever happened that made you abandon your practice was difficult. You deserve compassion, not chastisement.

    3. Let your practice work for you.

    Maybe you’ve changed, maybe what you need and how you do it has changed. It’s okay if you don’t want to or can’t do it the way you used to. Maybe this is an invitation to find something that fits your life better now.

    4. Have the intention to return tomorrow and the next day.

    Setting small goals or intentions can be real movements toward self-care.

    Interruptions happen, whether it’s the phone ringing, a sick day, or a tragedy.

    You can return to your practice even in the imperfect world going on around you. You can choose to come back no matter how long you’ve been away.

    5. Know that you can rebuild.

    Most practitioners in their lifetime have had doubts, interruptions, path changes, and life changes that took them away from a practice at times. These can also be open doors that point you toward a new direction.

    6. Being on the road to making a discipline out of it will change your life.

    As you consider setting small goals and intentions for your newly re-hatched practice, know that the best way to nurture all the benefits it gives you is to return, often. You can have a practice that feels like a refuge.

    7. Find something you enjoy and do it in an enjoyable way.

    Look for a teacher, class, or method that speaks to you if you need a little inspiration or guidance after time away.

    Life is going to interrupt us, sometimes rudely. Having healthy habits and self-care practices to fall back on can be a lifeline. We don’t need to judge ourselves for why and how we fell away, we only need to return.

    Man meditating image via Shutterstock

  • Overcoming Sugar Addiction: A Guide to Breaking the Sweets Cycle

    Overcoming Sugar Addiction: A Guide to Breaking the Sweets Cycle

    Donut Smiley Face

    “It’s not until your eyes adjust to the dark that you can finally grasp—and if you let it—be astonished, by the light of your own being.” ~Andréa Balt

    Sugar was my best friend, my confidant, and my (not so secret) love. She provided me comfort and companionship. I went to her when I was happy, sad, anxious, excited, celebratory, scared, and broken-hearted. Social gatherings were centered around my infatuation with her.

    I loved the taste, the experience, the social aspect. I loved the visual experience, the artistry, the display case of the perfectly frosted cupcakes and dusting of sprinkles. The colors and rows of smooth, rounded, crunchy on the outside and chewy, gooey deliciousness on the inside pistachio macaroons.

    I loved sugar, but she didn’t love me back.

    We fought, every day. I hated myself for the way I would feel when I woke up the morning after eating a box of cookies. I carried that struggle with me to every birthday, every look in the mirror, and even into my dreams and career aspirations.

    The impact of sugar destroyed my confidence. I knew that my inner self was so much brighter and alive than what my outside appeared to be.

    In my early twenties, I dated someone who was trying to quit smoking. I saw her struggle and recognized in it my own.

    For the first time in my life, I said out loud that I was addicted to sugar. I told her that I couldn’t go a day, let alone a few hours, without eating it. That every time I said I was going to stop eating sugar, I would only be drawn in even more.

    She dismissed me and my pain, and I felt belittled. She didn’t understand that my struggle was real too. I didn’t speak of it again, to anyone, for years. When we eventually broke up, I turned to my “real friend” Nutella, and she helped me dry the tears.

    The winter after my thirtieth birthday was especially long, and filled with many mornings of food hangovers from overindulgences. One night I decided to watch a documentary that I had heard about the year before.

    I sat on the bed, obviously with a pint of vegan chocolate cherry ice cream in hand, and started the movie. Within the first hour, it became very apparent to me that I needed to make a change.

    I was watching heartbreaking stories of obese children being made fun of and struggling, devastatingly, without success to lose weight. And it wasn’t for lack of determination but for lack of education.

    They were eating a “low-fat diet” and were completely oblivious to the high content of sugar they were ingesting.

    The documentary summed up the nation’s disconnect of low-fat versus low-sugar, highlighting the suffering of the miseducated. But the difference between those kids and myself was that I knew what I was doing and I was still choosing the option that kept me feeling horrible about myself.

    The pain of being the biggest girl in the room, feeling left out of shopping at cool stores, and having peers call you fat really tugged on my heartstrings. Tears streamed down my face. I knew that I owed it to myself—my younger and current self—to know what my life and my body would be like without the go-to comfort of a treat.

    Here’s what my next few minutes, hours, and days looked like. Hopefully if you too have struggled with this attachment to sugar, this little plan I set out for myself will help you:

    1. Put down the treat, right now. Don’t take another bite.

    What if it’s that simple? What if putting down the treat really is all that needs to happen to change your life? In theory, yes, it is that simple. In reality, you’ll probably need to follow these next few steps.

    But putting down the treat right now is a great start. Good for you!

    2. Open up the dialogue with yourself, but come from a place of love.

    If you’ve struggled with an attachment to sugar your whole life, as I have, think back to when you were a little kid. What were the dreams you had for yourself? Are you honoring them today by the choices you make?

    If you wrote your inner child a letter, would you be proud of the person that you are today? It’s so easy to be mean and harsh with yourself, but your body is the only vessel that will keep you strong and healthy well past 100, so start your sweet-talking now, so to speak.

    If you wouldn’t say it to your eight-year-old self, don’t say it to your forty-year-old self. Be your own best friend, cheerleader, and dream maker.

    3. No is just an answer. But a series of no’s is…

    A series of no’s will leave you feeling successful. One day at a time.

    Next time you are shopping at the grocery store, keep walking past that container of peanut butter cups calling your name. The first time you do it, give your inner-self a high five, and take a moment to recognize that saying no was actually kind of easy. Empower yourself to keep walkin’!

    4. Eliminate all sugar.

    Yep, eliminate all sugar. Except fruit. Step aside, sugar, fruit is your new best friend. I had been in the habit of finishing dinner (and most lunches) with dessert.

    Frozen fruit (specifically dark sweet cherries) was a godsend. It helped me transition my taste buds to a healthier, still satiating option. No alcohol, no honey, no stevia, no maple syrup. You don’t want to taste anything sweet. Your brain chemistry will light up like the fourth of July and you’ll be left wanting more.

    Watch out for sauces, breads, pretty much anything packaged; companies love adding sugar to those guys.

    Eventually you won’t find yourself needing something sweet after every meal and the cycle will break!

    5. Keep perspective.

    The fulfillment and satisfaction you receive from sugar is so momentary. You taste it, chew it, swallow it, and it’s gone. Remember this when you’re out to dinner. This will save you when the plates are cleared and the dessert menus are dropped.

    If your friends order dessert in front of you, order a tea. Peppermint tea is a great option! This will keep your hands, mouth, and brain busy.

    6. Replace your go-to. For good.

    Go for a walk. Take up a new hobby. Stream of consciousness write for five or ten minutes until the craving goes away. Brush your teeth. Meditate. Call up a friend to chat. Put on your favorite song and dance!

    I went to sugar to bury anxiety. Think about your behavior and relationship with sugar; is it a medication, a habit, a crutch so you don’t have to deal with something or someone? Tune in to your inner voice and see what it’s saying.

    7. Mark the date on your calendar.

    March 23rd. I remember it like it was yesterday. I made the decision to eliminate sugar from my life. It wasn’t a “fad diet” or “challenge for X number of days.”

    While it was very exciting to say that it had been one week or one month since my last scoop of chocolate cherry, at no point was I looking to the future. It was purely about making good choices today, for this meal, at this moment.

    —

    As the days go on, you will find within yourself a strength you didn’t know you had simply by honoring yourself, your true self.

    As time moves forward you will begin to feel a difference in the clarity of your thoughts and your confidence, and your body will follow suit. The weeks will pass, and it will be a series of good choices that will lead to your success.

    For me, weeks turned into months and here we are, twenty-six weeks since that last bite of ice cream.

    I don’t know what future me will decide when it comes to treats.

    Right now there isn’t a place for frivolous foods that don’t enrich my body, but I can say for sure that present me is really happy. I have made room for myself to grow in so many ways, without the dark cloud of my sugar addiction weighing down on me.

    I hope that this will give you the courage that you are seeking to make a change!

    Donut smiley face image via Shutterstock

  • We Are Victors, Not Victims

    We Are Victors, Not Victims

    Victor

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of assault and may be triggering to some people. 

    “You are not a victim. No matter what you have been through, you’re still here. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You are still here! You have been delayed but not denied. You are not a victim, you are a victor. You have a history of victory.” ~Steve Maraboli

    I was about twenty years old. It was a beautiful summer day, and I decided to walk to my parents’ house.

    I usually called them first to let them know I’d be coming, but that day I wanted it to be a surprise. It was a twenty-minute walk there, and I had two bridges to cross, then a small trail close to the woods to walk through and I’d be there.

    I started feeling followed crossing the second bridge, but hey, anyone can take a walk on such a beautiful day, right? So, I continued on and entered the path close to the woods. I was almost there!

    When trees were hiding us from all the passing cars on the road, I felt that the boy following me was getting closer and closer.

    Suddenly, as a cat hunting a mouse, he jumped on me from behind and tackled me to the ground. He started kissing and groping me, and I tried to fight him and fidget my way out to no avail. He was much stronger than I was, even if he looked a bit younger than me.

    I didn’t scream at all; I was subdued! I started to talk to him, plead with him to stop doing this to me. I lied and told him that my parents were waiting for me and would be worried if I didn’t show up soon, and they’d come find me. No reaction.

    He kept abusing me and trying to take my clothes off while pinning me down. He didn’t speak a word. He never looked me in the eye.

    Then, I thought I could talk him out of it by using the psychology I’d learned in college. I started telling him that he must be a good person inside, and that he would feel ashamed if he continued like this.

    I told him that there was no reason to do this since he could certainly have the “real” thing with a consenting woman, and it would be so much more pleasurable than this ugly one-sided aggression.

    Well, I’m not sure what worked. Was it the psychology stunt I pulled or did he just get bored of this stupid young woman who just wouldn’t shut up? He just got up, left me lying there dazed and confused, and ran off never to be seen again.

    I picked myself up, tried to get the dirt off me as much as possible, and walked shakily to my parents’ house.

    Google defines a victim as a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. Obviously, the casualties are the only victims that do not have to learn to live with the aftermath of the traumatic event. The others, however, are marked either physically or psychologically by what happened to them.

    The six o’clock news is filled with stories of tragedies, big and small. These can take on so many different forms, but the end result is always the same: victims. They can be victims of Mother Nature’s wrath, victims of a horrific crime or injustice, or victims of some kind of accident.

    So many people feel stuck in their lives after having lived through a traumatic experience. They are paralyzed for months, years, and even decades by the shock, hurt, and fear associated with what they’ve endured.

    Some people have to live with physical reminders of this tragic event, and others have psychological repercussions that limit their ability to live a normal life.

    After my aggression, I felt soiled, tainted. I remember taking shower after shower trying to get my aggressor’s smell off of me. But even when I was sure I was clean of any traces of him, my brain was stuck in the event.

    How can one evolve from being a victim to being a survivor? Doesn’t the term “survivor” give more hope in tomorrow than “victim”? Seems to me that “victim” suggests ongoing pain and suffering, whereas “survivor” is someone who was able to leave the pain and suffering behind him and start living again.

    “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” ~Carl Jung

    So the first step is to acknowledge that yes, you were a victim, but who you are and what happened to you are two very different things. You have to learn to establish a separation between the two if you ever wish to distance yourself from the victim you once were.

    I was able to graduate from victim to survivor when I acknowledged that I had been violated—that I had been a victim. I had to work through the guilt of thinking I must have done something to deserve this. I kept re-living the scene over and over again in my mind, wondering where I went wrong and how I could have reacted differently.

    I also felt guilty about the way I had resolved the situation. Why hadn’t I screamed, hit him, hurt him? The very questions that the policemen asked me when I reported the aggression.

    Now I realize that the way I handled the situation (although it didn’t please the policemen) was my way of resolving this. I shouldn’t feel guilty since, in the end, it worked. When policemen are placed in difficult situations, they get to choose how they react. I had to do the same.

    The next step is forgiveness—forgiving the person who hurt you or accepting the fact that nature acts up sometimes and people get stuck in the middle of it. In some instances, people just have to accept that accidents happen; there isn’t always someone to blame or lash out at.

    “Forgiving someone doesn’t mean condoning their behavior. It doesn’t mean forgetting how they hurt you or giving that person room to hurt you again. Forgiving someone means making peace with what happened. It means acknowledging your wound, giving yourself permission to feel the pain, and recognizing why that pain no longer serves you. It means letting go of the hurt and resentment so that you can heal and move on.” ~Daniell Koepke

    Obviously, this is easier said than done.

    In my case, forgiving my aggressor was easier than letting go of my feelings of guilt. Even during the aggression, I felt that this boy was not well. It was clear to me that he was acting this way because he felt alone and unloved.

    He decided that he was going to fill his need for contact and love even if it was in an inappropriate way; his need was just too strong. I’m not saying he was right to do what he did; I’m just saying that I understand and can forgive him.

    But forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. I believe that surviving a traumatic event changes you forever. You will not react to life the same way that you would have reacted before having lived through this.

    I am more careful now of where I walk when I’m alone, and much less relaxed when being followed by someone.

    Sometimes a situation can trigger me and transport me right back to that very moment to relive the whole thing yet again. Usually this happens when someone playfully restrains me with his hands to tickle me, touch me, or kiss me.

    I will never be the naive and carefree girl that I was before my attack. I have my scars. They are not physical but psychological, yet they are very real.

    However, I have learned not to let this event define me. I have decided that this is but one event among so many others (good and bad) that have helped shape me into the woman that I am today. I am now a “victor.” I have won!

    I can live, I can smile, I can laugh. I can walk, I can run, I can soar. I am stronger than whatever happens to me. And so are you.

    Free woman silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Moving Beyond Passive-Aggression: Stop Repressing Your Feelings

    Moving Beyond Passive-Aggression: Stop Repressing Your Feelings

    Sad Girl

    “Don’t let the fear of what people might think stop you from speaking your mind. Speak up, you deserve to be heard.” ~Unknown

    I used to suffer from immense communication problems that manifested as passive-aggression. I had no idea how to get what I needed, and I often failed to express my desires.

    My maladaptive response was to remain positive at all times, while burying my feelings and casting them into the back of my mind. It wasn’t the greatest time in my life, but it served as a valuable lesson more than a decade later, when I cleared away the cobwebs of anger and reclaimed my true self.

    I frequently notice passive-aggression in people who are passionate about being positive. Have you ever met someone who seems to radiate with positivity and yet, upon closer inspection, you find out that they’re actually a walking ball of resentment?

    We’re all only human. A person who tries at all costs to maintain a facade of success and happiness is eventually going to have a bad day, and their shield will crack. Once they’re emotionally spent, the feelings that they’ve kept inside for so long will come to the surface.

    Ignoring feelings is never the solution. Accept them, investigate them, and then act.

    I’ve learned that passive-aggression is a form of subtle resistance—we feel that we can’t resist openly, so we use sarcasm, or we flake on people, or we put that little smiley face at the end of our snapchat message to disguise our anger. Other examples include procrastination and intentional inefficiency.

    At some point in your life you’ve probably been on the receiving end of sugarcoated, venomous attacks without even realizing it, and on the opposite end of the spectrum, you’ve probably tried to infect someone with your unconscious passive aggression.

    It’s not necessary. And it’s not healthy.

    Passive-aggressive behavior often has roots in childhood; it has to do with how much attention our parents gave to our desires.

    If your caretakers constantly rejected reasonable wants and needs, you likely felt like an inconvenience to them and learned to stop expressing your desires openly, so as to not create more tension in those relationships.

    Yet you still had wishes. If protesting became impossible, the only other way to resist was through lies and deceit—for example, by doing the complete opposite of what your parents requested, or doing it so badly that you may as well not have done it.

    When you grew up, you likely still maintained the belief that you could not simply outright express your wants and needs to your spouse, colleagues, boss, or anyone else in your life; that’s how it was for me.

    This inability to ask for what we really want is a heavy burden to bear.

    The coping strategy then becomes one of securing outside validation. If we can’t be assertive, then we have to beat around the bush to achieve the same result, and that’s why so many of us suffer from what I like to call people-pleasitis.

    The only way to get out of the mire of people-pleasitis is through acceptance and courage.

    You have permission to feel your feelings. Regardless of what you’re feeling, you’ll discover that nothing bad comes out of catching your emotions as they come. Once you train yourself to observe your emotions, you will see that they are simply feedback.

    You don’t have to inhibit them or judge them or block them. You don’t have to turn on the T.V. so you can distract yourself from what you’re feeling. Acceptance and courage are the keys.

    Accept your emotions. Love them. Embrace them.

    Courage is required to express your true self to other people. This is a choice you can make right now.

    Choose direct communication rather than indirect people-pleasing behavior. Choose to express your needs, wants, and feelings. You may lose some friends by doing this, because people have gotten used to the people-pleasing you. It’s worth it.

    I’ve changed so much simply by having the courage to communicate my needs and wants to the world. It’s scary—it really is—but what lies on the other side is more valuable than gold. You find yourself—and you find people who value and respect your thoughts, feelings, and wishes.

    For many people, this is a lifelong process. But learning to express yourself assertively is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and the world.

    Have you ever noticed how naturally authentic folks seem to attract so many people?

    They’re so comfortable with themselves that they also make you feel comfortable. And you know this because you will feel inexplicably good around them. They are not hiding anything from you, and they don’t produce any queasy feelings in your gut (the same feelings you get with passive-aggressive people).

    Behind passive-aggression lies a valley filled to the brim with anger and hostility. When this valley can no longer support all the pent-up negativity, it will come out in a furious outburst that will leave your friends and family dazed and confused. You see this all the time with people who suppress their feelings.

    Only by freeing yourself from these toxic emotions can you fully reach your potential as a human being.

    I was but a shadow of my true self when I was passive-aggressive, because I wasn’t being authentic with people.

    I unconsciously created distance between myself and others. By far the biggest area of improvement in my life has been relationships. I believe that you can’t reach your greatest potential without the support of people who truly, deeply know you, and I now have people like this in my life.

    If you’re engaging in passive-aggressive behavior, it’s time to have the courage to confront yourself, because what lies on the other side is infinite possibility.

    Sad girl illustration via Shutterstock

  • Adventures for Your Soul Book Giveaway: Live the Life of Your Dreams

    Adventures for Your Soul Book Giveaway: Live the Life of Your Dreams

    Adventures for Your Soul

    UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway are:

    • Sarah Jane Vallente
    • Chandra Milliron

    “Just like the characters of a movie, you are a character in the show called ‘Life.’ Are you in a starring role? Or are you a supporting actor?” ~Shannon Kaiser

    Do you ever feel like could be doing more with your life? Like you’re holding yourself back in fear and not reaching your true potential? Maybe you don’t even know what you want; you just know what you don’t want, and yet you can’t seem to escape it.

    I’ve been there quite a few times myself, and I’ve recognized several unhealthy habits that keep me stuck, such as getting caught up in my head and comparing myself to other people.

    It’s not easy to overcome these kinds of habits—especially if we’ve fallen victim to them for years, or even decades.

    Bestselling author Shannon Kaiser knows this, and that’s why she wrote Adventures for Your Soul: 21 Ways to Transform Your Habits and Reach Your Full Potential.

    I’ve always been a huge fan of Shannon’s work, and not just because she’s insightful, wise beyond her years, and focused on proactive solutions.

    I admire Shannon because she’s battled her own demons—overcoming depression, drug addiction, and an eating disorder—and has emerged with an enthusiasm for life, a belief in herself, and a passion for helping others identify and pursue what they truly want.

    That’s exactly what she’s done with Adventures for Your Soul. In this powerful guide to a more fulfilling life, Shannon tackles the most common “happiness-hindering habits,” and presents exercises, questions, and action steps to help us overcome them.

    I highly recommend Adventures for Your Soul to anyone who feels stuck, scared, lost, or confused. The book will take you on a soul-searching journey of self-discovery, bringing you closer to the “you” you want to be.

    I’m grateful that Shannon took the time to answer some questions about her work and her book, and that she’s provided two free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of Adventures for Your Soul:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of Adventures for Your Soul http://bit.ly/20FEboE

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, November 13th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    I suppose I didn’t know what I would be when I grew up, but always knew I wanted to be extremely brave and let passion be my compass. I knew I had to express myself creatively in order to be fulfilled.

    I could share that I am writer, author, life coach, speaker, travel writer, and teacher who left behind my corporate job in advertising six years ago as well as drug addiction and depression in order to find my happiness, but that is my past.

    Today, I am more interested in who I am becoming. My life is about showing up fully and feeling all of what life has to give. I want to be a constant reminder of what courage looks like, what choosing love over fear feels like. And to remind people it is never too late to become what you dream about.

    I wrote my new book Adventures for Your Soul as a demonstration of what living a courageous life looks and feels like. It’s a manual to getting out of your own way and embracing your true self.

    2. Who would most benefit from reading Adventures for Your Soul, and how might it help them?

    People who are on mission to better themselves and who are committed to living an authentic life. People who are looking for answers for their deep, heartfelt questions, such as: How can I get unstuck? How can I learn to love more in the face of fear? How can I remove habits holding me back? How can I be more comfortable with myself and learn to love all of me? This book answers these.

    Through my own personal experience and life coaching practice I discovered the top twenty-one habits that hinder our happiness, and I found powerful ways to transform these habits so we can get unstuck and move forward with more grace and ease.

    3. The first “happiness hindering habit” you shared is “We settle because we think it’s the best we can get.” How can we begin to change our beliefs about what’s possible for us?

    In order to not settle we have to give ourselves permission to dream bigger. We can start by asking ourselves “What do I really want?” and becoming aware of the inner critic that says, “It can’t be done.” Then, instead of listening to that little voice, we can turn to love and inspiration.

    We all have a little nudge and inspiration that comes to us, insights, visions, or hopes and dreams. The opportunity is to begin to trust those little nudges, and act on them. This will quiet our fear-based mind so the fear won’t be as strong.

    Ask if your current lifestyle is giving you the results you desire. If not, take steps in the direction you want and release what doesn’t serve you.

    For example, maybe you’re in a job you no longer enjoy, and you feel as if you were made for more. Instead of staying in that boring job, begin to listen to your inner nudges, the inspiration that comes to you.

    Maybe it’s saying go take a yoga class or go to the bookstore, or go join that new community group. Follow these nudges because they are leading you to fulfillment, one small step at a time.

    When I first left corporate I didn’t know I wanted to become a writer. I just knew what I was doing wasn’t fulfilling me anymore. So I took one small step at a time, such as getting a journal, investing in travel writing books, and reaching out to life coaches to learn more about the industry.

    Each small step opened up new possibilities. All we have to do is take one step at a time and the path will reveal itself. But we must move forward and take the steps.

    4. In chapter three, you talk about the importance of trusting our heart, not our head. How can we recognize the difference between the two?

    We can get in touch with the feelings associated with each, which can help us make the right choice.

    When we listen to our heart it feels expansive, inspirational, joy-filled, and loving. When we listen to our fear, which is in our head, the rational over-thinker part of us, it often feels scary, overwhelming, critical, and heavy.

    5. In the “Lean into Love” chapter, you share Jim Rohn’s belief that we make choices from one of two places: inspiration or desperation. I suspect we’re more apt to make choices out of desperation when we feel constrained by responsibilities, financial or otherwise. What advice would you offer to someone who feels unable to access inspiration due to overwhelming obligations?

    I believe the focus on overwhelming obligations is what makes us feel like we can’t entertain any inspiration. But inspiration is with us all the time; we overshadow it with our focus on fear.

    If we are focused on how we can’t make ends meet, that becomes our reality, whereas a better way would be to focus on how we want to feel: creative, safe, free, for example. Then we can let our truth pull us forward. We get what we focus on, so focus on what you want.

    6. Your “Fear Detox” chapter was the most powerful for me, as it’s incredibly comprehensive! In your experience, which of the top ten fears is the most common, and how can we begin to overcome this?

    I believe fear of the unknown is one of the most common. We want a guarantee that things will work out, that our ventures will yield results. We need proof of concept and stability.

    Many of us don’t act on inspiration because we are unsure of the outcome.

    One way to overcome this fear is to first take a life inventory and ask where you are holding yourself back in life. Ask, what do I really want? Then take action on that desire.

    For example maybe you worry a lot and have fear-based thoughts about your future. First, address these by listing out the thoughts that worry you. Ask if believing these fear-based thoughts is holding you back, and if so, what action steps can you take to work through them?

    Maybe you want to leave your corporate job to become a wellness coach but you worry about making a living doing what you love. Maybe you also fear the unknown outcome. What if no one pays you for your services? How will you get clients?

    These are examples of fear-based thoughts. Address them, and then ask, what action step can I take in the face of these fears? When we take action we build confidence, which gives us clarity.

    Maybe you list out blogs you want to visit and wellness coaches you want to follow or meet, maybe you look into certification programs or attend yoga classes. Follow the inspiration that comes to you, and this will help you move forward with more ease.

    7. I love the HOPE acronym you shared in the chapter on finding your purpose and passion. Can you tell us a little about that?

    Many of us want to find our life purpose, but we struggle to find it. The struggle is the problem.

    Instead of trying so hard to find our purpose, we have to trust it will reveal itself to us when the time is right. You can’t find your life purpose by thinking your way into it; it can only be felt in the heart.

    I created this acronym to help you discover your passion, which will help you lead a more purpose-filled life.

    H – Habitual Happiness

    O – Open up to Optimism

    P – Purpose-filled Passion

    E – Embrace the Journey

    8. In the chapter on letting go, you wrote, “Most of us walk around feeling wounded, damaged, and guilty, when the bottom line is we just want to enjoy the things we resist.” Can you elaborate a little on this?

    I think society, culture, the world puts pressure on us to be a certain way, and when we don’t match up we feel less than. But the truth is, you are enough as you are, and just because it doesn’t fit with society’s expectations doesn’t mean it’s wrong or right.

    We walk around feeling guilty for things we actually like: eating an extra helping of ice cream, or binge-watching Netflix. We feel bad, but it makes us feel good. So we should switch to focus on how our life feels instead of how it looks.

    9. In the last chapter, you touch upon our instinct to avoid uncomfortable feelings instead of embracing them. How does it benefit us to embrace anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, and guilt?

    Once we embrace them, they can be released from us. When we avoid them or hold onto them, that is what causes the damage. But all feelings deserve to be felt.

    10. What’s the main message you hope readers take from your book?

    You matter just as you are. Don’t be afraid to show the real you because the world needs what you have.

    You can learn more about Adventures for Your Soul on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • It’s Going to Be Okay

    It’s Going to Be Okay

    It's Going to Be Okay

  • How to Make New Friends When You’re Feeling Lonely

    How to Make New Friends When You’re Feeling Lonely

    Boy Sitting Alone

    “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    It’s a weird paradox.

    In a world where technology and social media seem to bring more of us together more of the time, recent research indicates that more of us are feeling lonely more of the time too.

    People sometimes deflect their feelings of social nakedness by making a joke of it.

    “Look at me: Norma No Mates!” they say when admitting again to having no plans for the weekend.

    But it’s no laughing matter.

    And I get it. I really do. I’ve been Norma No Mates till recently myself. At least that’s how it felt.

    Six years ago, I moved out of the city and away from a community of long-standing friends and neighbors.

    From a scenario in which I used to go out to work pretty much every day and got about on foot or public transport, now I work from home and go everywhere by car. Not great for those bumping into people in the street moments that can give such rich social possibilities.

    Add to the mix that at the same time my husband changed jobs and is now often away for long periods of time, and you can start to understand just how life began to feel very solitary at times.

    I was that person making a virtue out of watching DVD box sets of an evening.

    “Got anything on the agenda this evening?” a client might ask at the end of a call.

    “Catching up on a couple of episodes of Mad Men with a nice glass of red wine,” I’d say, feigning buoyancy, and thinking, “I hope this person can’t tell I’m feeling like Norma No Mates.”

    It sucked.

    And the more I ached for company, the more isolated I felt. The more isolated I felt, the less able I was to reach out. And the less I put myself out there, the worse it all was.

    But recently I’ve broken through this horrible catch 22, and I’m happy to say that Norma has moved on and my countryside life is feeling more sociable at last.

    What changed?

    Well, my circumstances didn’t, but I did. If you want to ditch your own Norma (or Norman) No Mates Status soon, here are some of my insights for you to riff off.

    Feeling lonely is not a judgment.

    We can feel lonely for lots of reasons. In my case it was a big change in my living arrangements, and unfamiliarity with how things worked in my new surroundings. For others, it’s caused by focusing on work and achievement to the detriment of relationships and social life.

    For others again, it’s caused by the loss of someone or something dear: a parent, partner, sibling, friend, or child, maybe even a career or ability once held.

    Someone very close to me right now is becoming profoundly deaf, and I can’t tell you just how that’s causing him to often feel very lonely.

    But irrespective of what’s brought it about, there’s no judgment on you. You are not a bad person because you are feeling lonely.

    Yet I think at times we allow loneliness to say something about our worthiness. I certainly confused the two for too long.

    But the truth is that being lonely is one thing. Feeling that you’re somehow not okay is another.

    So, step one, separate them out.

    And know that, no matter how you’re feeling, you’re already okay just as you are.

    Create time and space for connection.

    If you want to make friends, you have to make space for them. Energetically invite them into your life.

    That seems obvious, but it plays hard.

    For me, making space meant stopping being so anal about work, and being prepared to trade time previously assigned to it with social time. It also meant allowing myself to drop the guilt of missing some of my self-imposed deadlines in favor of being more playful.

    It’s tough to let go of our old, familiar behaviors. But allow yourself to see just how often they keep you feeling lonely, as much as they keep you feeling safe.

    Let yourself experiment, and notice how eventually you feel your life enriched by the connections that you yourself have created.

    Become your own best friend first.

    As you begin to reach beyond yourself, check out how needy you feel.

    Needy is never a great place from which to create anything—certainly not relationships of any kind. If you’re needy, no matter how you try to disguise it, other people pick up your vibe and are likely to distance themselves from you.

    So, while you’re waiting for friendships to coalesce around you, do what I did and overcome the neediness factor by becoming your own best friend. Take yourself on dates to the cinema, museum, coffee shop, and restaurants. Let yourself explore that new hiking route. Check in for an afternoon at the spa.

    Then friendships become the icing on your cake because they truly are about connection and not about making you feel better about yourself.

    Don’t wait for others to reach to you.

    The Norma No Mates factor can cause us to be reticent about reaching out to others. Instead, we wait for them to come to us.

    But that puts us in a pretty powerless position, which doesn’t help the way we’re feeling at all.

    Take the risk. Even if it feels scary, dare to reach beyond yourself and make the first move.

    That can be as simple as making small talk with the person behind you in the coffee shop queue, or saying hello to a face that’s starting to become familiar in your gym.

    And when someone begins to emerge as a person you’d like to spend more time with, don’t overthink it. Don’t get all up in your head about whether you really do want them for a friend, or what they may say if you approach them.

    Trust your gut. If you feel inspired to reach out, do. Then listen to the feeling that forms between you.

    That will guide you on where to go from there.

    Learn the art of rejection.

    Quite often we don’t reach out because we fear rejection. But “no” in whatever form—a silence, a straightforward negative, an unanswered phone message, text, or email, something not followed up—is just a “no.”

    It’s just a piece of information. Someone is in their own way letting you see that they aren’t the kind of person you want to befriend.

    Seeing the truth of this was another big turning point for me.

    By the same token I came to understand that if, having invited someone to coffee I found myself wanting to check my phone early on in our time together, the fact that I’d made the first move didn’t oblige me to say “yes” when they suggested a subsequent get together.

    In fact, the more you can see that both “yes” and “no” are neutral words and don’t need to be laden with shame or guilt, the more lightly you can navigate your way through what begins to become the game of making friends.

    Beware the social media effect.

    Look, I love social media and have lots of friends on platforms like Facebook and Twitter that I’ve never met in real life.

    These are genuine connections. But it’s tempting to make them a surrogate for people you’d have a glass of wine with, or hang out at the weekend’s soccer game.

    So, sure, keep surfing. But know when to put your device down in favor of making an in-the-flesh connection. One of my happy innovations has been finding opportunities to meet social media friends in person. And then subsequently getting the best of both worlds.

    Maybe you could try that too?

    My Life After Norma

    While it has taken time and a shed load of vulnerability, I can honestly tell you that my new life finally feels a lot more social. The dark loneliness cloud has lifted. I’m happy in a way that I was not for a while, and I notice how that gives a new sense of color, hopefulness, and vibrancy to, well, everything.

    Which makes me reflect on how grateful I am for Norma, the challenges her presence made me confront, and the things I’ve learned and the new people in my inner circle as a result.

    So, if you’re sitting there feeling like you’re doomed never to make friends, don’t diss the feeling. Listen to it with curiosity. Try some of the things here that worked for me, and wave Norma a happy goodbye.

    Boy sitting alone image via Shutterstock

  • Happy Are Those Who…

    Happy Are Those Who…

    Happy Are Those

  • Accepting Delays and Appreciating the Gift of Empty Time

    Accepting Delays and Appreciating the Gift of Empty Time

    Time for a Break

    “Always say ‘yes’ to the present moment… Surrender to what is. Say ‘yes’ to life and see how life starts suddenly to start working for you rather than against you.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    A few weeks ago I had a soccer game about a half-hour away from my house, in the middle of nowhere.

    Grumbling about the heat and the length of the game, I walked down to the field where my team was seated under a tent. In truth, I love playing soccer, but for some reason I was annoyed at how big a chunk of my day it took.

    “Hey,” someone said to me, “the game’s delayed forty-five minutes. We’re just going to sit and wait it out.”

    I walked to the portable bathroom, plunked my soccer bag down, and teared up in frustration. How dare the team, the sport, the world violate my time?

    I walked back over to my team, fuming inside. I thought about the homework I still had left, the near hour I could have spent writing or playing guitar or being quiet and meditative. But I was stuck on a dirt patch miles away from home, sitting in my soccer clothes, with nothing to do but wait.

    Then I thought of the radio show I’d been listening to in the car on the way there. It was about Taoism and the importance of accepting what exists and the natural order of things. The world, the host declared, is in itself perfect, and when we submit to the circumstances of the world we can find peace.

    Sitting there on the field, I forced myself to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and feel the wind settle on my skin. For the first time, I was accepting the unfilled time life had offered me rather than fighting it.

    Meditating on the field was incredible. In that moment, I felt more alive and present than I ever have meditating in my own home.

    Unlike at home, I was submitting to the natural order of things and my reality. Rather than building time for meditation, I was receiving it.

    I don’t know a single person who doesn’t consider themselves busy. We live in a world of technology and mobile devices that allow us to be working constantly. Our biggest rival is time, and our most formidable fear is running out of time before deadlines, projects, and our own eventual demises.

    Because of the finite amount of time we have on this planet, I always thought of time as something I had to organize and maximize. I planned my week and activities so I could have large chunks of unstructured time to get things done. I avoided having short periods of empty time like the plague.

    The more I structured my time, the more stressed I became. I was frugal with my time like I would be with money.

    I was miserable in the face of rescheduling and spontaneous events. Everything the world threw at me threatened to destroy my entire week’s plans. The more I tried to maximize my time, the more I felt like a victim to time itself.

    The spontaneity of the world became my enemy. In trying to use every moment to its fullest, I had turned myself against the present moment and the natural order of things.

    That day on the soccer field changed me in a profound way. That day, I let go of my schedule, my compulsive need to structure my time, and my hatred of the ever-changing world. I embraced the moment that was given to me and allowed myself to be immersed in the time and space I occupied.

    I had never before recognized that I was in a constant battle against time.

    I now see this battle playing out every single day in my life. I get stressed whenever I have five minutes to “kill” without my computer or cell phone on which to do my homework.

    These empty moments threaten us because we don’t know how to accept the emptiness that life offers us.

    In all of our haste to complain about such moments, we miss the opportunity they offer us to tune into the world and submit to its natural perfection. We miss the truth: that every moment, not just the ones we set aside for meditation, can be used to appreciate and revel in the present.

    Emptiness is not evil. Emptiness allows us to breathe, feel, and accept the world as it is.

    Ironically, I always wanted more time in which to meditate. I felt like I could never find a chunk of free time in which to simply enjoy the present moment. Now, I realize that they are all around me, but I fill them with anxiety instead.

    If you’re tired of feeling like time is against you, worn down from all the frustration you’ve felt toward the world and the circumstances taking your time, you must back down from the fight. The world will always win.

    Fortunately, if you accept the world and the time you are given rather than rebelling against it, you also win. That is the perfection of the world: we benefit most when we let the world carry us.

    That is not to say that making plans and organizing your time are useless endeavors. It is important that, as a society, we continue to put time into our jobs and families. I am not preaching a breakdown of schedule, but an acceptance of change.

    Instead of using meditative strategies only in the comfort of your home or nature, find the beauty of the present moment in the time the world gives you to be still.

    Feel your weight in the seat of your car and the smoothness of the wheel in your hands when sitting in traffic. Close your eyes and feel your lungs expanding when someone is running late for a meeting.

    Spend those interim moments of inaction in your life being at peace with the world rather than grumbling at your watch. Those minutes add up, day by day, into all those minutes you wish you could spend meditating instead of sitting in the office.

    Empty time is not forced upon us; it is given to us. Empty time is a gift. Yield to it and accept it, and you will find yourself more in tune with the present moment and more accepting of life and the world.

    The present moment is a gift that we are always receiving. Our choice is whether to deny the gift and suffer, or open it and feel the world’s perfection within and around us in the ever-present now.

    Time for a break image via Shutterstock

  • How to Make the Most of the Time You Have

    How to Make the Most of the Time You Have

    Woman with Clock

    “Without giving up hope—that there’s somewhere better to be, that there’s someone better to be—we will never relax with where we are or who we are.” ~Pema Chödrön

    There are twenty-four hours in a day. This is true for you, me, Obama, and Oprah. Yet, I often feel like there are things that I would love to do… if I only had enough time.

    I used to spend my days in a frenzy.

    At my worst, I woke up at around 4:45 to meditate for an hour, then go to the gym, rush off to my twelve-hour law job worried that I would be late for my first meeting, eat at my desk, cancel coffee dates and dinner dates because something urgent came up, take a cab home at 10:00 or so, go to sleep, and do it all again the next day. There was no space.

    On the one hand, you could say that I was making the most of my twenty-four hours. After all, I was getting a lot done! But was I really? Each task that I was doing was focused exclusively on getting it done so I could move onto the next one.

    It was all about checking off items on the list, and moving forward to some elusive time or place when I would have… time.

    Thankfully, I have now changed my relationship with my precious twenty-four hours. Here is what I do to make the most of the time that I do have:

    1. Notice the words “I don’t have enough time.” Change the language.

    We’ve established that we all have the same amount of time. So why dwell on the obvious? Instead, be honest with yourself. If there is something that you are not doing, you are choosing not to.

    When someone asks you to meet up and you say no, when you forego a workout, when you wish you could get a massage but can’t fit it in, recognize that you’ve made a different choice with your time today.

    You could say, “I would love to, but I have another commitment.” Be present with that. Notice how it feels to have made that choice. Perhaps, you will make a different choice next time.

    2. Know what your priorities are. Stick to them.

    Today, I know clearly what my priorities are. And they are so simple.

    • Stay healthy—physically, mentally, and spiritually. I make time for about one hour of yoga and meditation daily six days a week.
    • Spend time with my friends and family. I’ve foregone promotions so I can work reasonable hours, have dinner with my family every day, and spend time with my husband in the evenings. When I make a commitment to meet a friend for coffee or lunch, I stick to it and say no to other things that come up, with very few exceptions.
    • Be kind and helpful to others; be of service. In the hours that I am at work, I try not to procrastinate or complain. I am present with whatever task or person is presented to me, and do my best to help. I give my full attention to what is happening in the moment, and use my skills and talents to assist to the best of my ability.

    By knowing my priorities and sticking to them, I know I am making the best of my twenty-four hours. I am consistently doing things that are important to me, and that I feel are making a contribution in some way.

    3. Let go of what others think of you. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

    Sticking to your priorities will involve a whole lot of saying no. No is a complete sentence. You will get better at it. People will respect you for it.

    On Monday, I am starting a new job. I am terrified and I have heard that it is a gruelling environment, and people tend to work late at night and on weekends.

    I am still planning to work from 8:30-4:30. I have already mentioned this to my new boss, and she agreed. At the same time, I’ve already been copied on e-mails that fly back and forth at 10 pm or 5 am.

    The advice I have gotten, that I hope to follow, is to pause before responding to these after-hours e-mails. I will ask myself: Is it really necessary for me to respond right now, or can it wait until the morning? My guess is that 95% of the e-mails can wait.

    This approach, if I’m able to stick to it, will likely have a few outcomes:

    a. A lot of people will be unhappy that I’m not responding right away. They may not like me

    b. Eventually, they will accept it.

    c. If I do great work in the hours that I am available, they will learn to respect my choice.

    Another possible outcome is that it will be a disaster and I will have to leave and go to another job. That is okay too. My choice to use my twenty-hour hours in a way that supports my priorities of health, human connections, and service is well worth it.

    4. Stop worrying about your “purpose.”

    I tend to spend a lot of my time worrying about what to do with my time. Is this really the best career for me? Should I go back to school? Am I using my best skills? Is there something else I am meant to be doing? Am I fulfilling my potential? Am I living wholeheartedly and making the world a better place?

    This is a huge waste of time for me! When it comes down to it, you live your life how you live your days. If you live your days, your moments, your hours well, you will spend your life well.

    So stop worrying about your “life,” and bring your attention to what this day brings. Love all of it. Your purpose is not to change the world, but to experience it fully in all its ambiguity.

    5. Enjoy the most mundane tasks. Do them with joy.

    There are many activities throughout the day that we may call a “waste” of time. Being squished like a sardine in the subway. Brushing your teeth. Standing in line at the grocery store. Doing the dishes… again.

    Yet, let’s return to this concept of the twenty-four hours. They are what they are. However we are spending them, they are of equal value. We can’t waste them; we already have them. We are not “wasting” time; we are forgetting to experience it.

    One of the most common difficulties people have in starting a meditation practice is that they don’t have enough time. Yet, these moments of “wasted” time are the perfect activities for meditation!

    Next time you are in a “time-wasting” activity, bring your attention to your breath. Settle into whatever it is that you are doing. Notice your feet supported by the earth beneath you. Notice your posture, relax the shoulders, open your heart.

    Notice your mind wandering to whatever you have to do next, or whatever didn’t yet get done today. Let the thoughts go and return to your breath. Rest in the preciousness of this very moment. You may just find that you have all the time you need.

    Woman with clock image via Shutterstock

  • We Don’t Need to “Fix” Our Appearance to Be Beautiful

    We Don’t Need to “Fix” Our Appearance to Be Beautiful

    Happy Older Woman

    “Kindness and awareness work together. Through awareness we understand the underlying beauty of everything and every being.” ~Amit Ray

    We were in Yorkshire—my brother, sister, and I—driving along narrow, windy roads. Sometimes we would come up a steep incline and be unable to see the rest of the road until we got to the crest. It was a little bit scary.

    It could have been worse, but that night it was a full moon and even though it was almost midnight, there was a great deal of light in the darkness. We were not normally out that late but had been to an evening theater show in Harrogate, which was about an hour and a half drive from where we were staying.

    My sister and I were playing CDs and talking to keep my brother awake, although between the bright moonlight and the difficulty of the route, I imagine sleep was the last thing on his mind! Possibly it was just knowing he was uncomfortable with that type of driving that was really motivating us to stay awake ourselves.

    We were chatting about the day’s events and planning what we would do for the rest of the week. Then, as we slowed down and came round a bend, right in front of us was the shell of an old abbey. We appeared to be in the middle of nowhere, so we were truly surprised by the fact that it was there.

    Gazing at it for just a few moments, the three of us were awed by the underlying beauty in the remnants of the ancient building.

    Eventually we made it home, after midnight. All of us exhausted, but happy to be finding our way to our respective beds. As I lay there in the dark, I couldn’t help thinking how magical the ruins of that old abbey had seemed.

    Maybe it was the moonlight shining through what was left of the priory windows, or the sheer height of the building. Or perhaps it was the unexpectedness of encountering it so far away from a town or village.

    Whatever it was, as I fell asleep I remained enchanted with the picture in my mind—the image of that dilapidated abbey, which still retained so much of its original majesty and beauty.

    In the morning as I meditated alone in my room, I started thinking about perfection, about beauty, and the obsession that seems prevalent in our culture today.

    I wondered why so many people go to such extraordinary lengths to stay looking young, to reject any signs of aging, and to “fix” those aspects of themselves that do not conform to what is considered beautiful.  

    I thought about the magnificence of the abbey—that despite the deterioration, the building was still exquisite. I recalled that there in the moonlight, it was easy to see the graceful lines, the lovely arches, the grandness of what it had once been. Yes, the stained glass windows I imagine it once had were long gone, but for me it did not need to be perfect; its loveliness still touched my heart.

    How much more true must this be for those we know, care about, and love? Does anyone really need to hold on to what time and loving has altered? Do wrinkles need to be removed, teeth whitened, or bodies lifted and tucked?

    Surely the beauty of who we are does not diminish in the eyes of those around us, because we look a little, or even a lot older?

    It’s not that I am against anything anyone does. I don’t feel it is wrong to try and improve your looks. It is more that I believe it is not necessary.

    Through awareness, I have learned that everything and everyone has an underlying beauty.

    For a long time I was very focused on beauty. I only saw beauty on the outside, was critical and judgmental. I used the word ugly. But with spiritual awareness, I now look at things and people differently. I have become kinder—more willing to observe from my heart.

    I know that true beauty does not lie in perfection, or in only looking as young as possible. I have no desire to hold onto or create an illusion of youth. I am happy to accept my face, my body the way it is, knowing this is a natural part of the experience of living.

    Here in my heart is the sum of the learning I have gained and the wisdom I have acquired, from all I have gone through. Here in my heart is the peace that has come from knowing myself, from loving myself. Here too, is the love I hold—the memories I have—for all the gentle souls I have known, who touched my life in the most beautiful of ways.

    These days, what I see in those I know and love are not flaws or signs of aging, but the beauty that shines through—the result of tears we have cried, smiles we have shared, and the love that binds us together.

    Though my eyes may take in what time or illness has altered, my heart looks with loving kindness at the person before me. And, noticing only what has always been there—a loving, caring, supportive, accepting being—my soul acknowledges and marvels at the underlying beauty of the person I see.

    Happy mature woman image via Shutterstock

  • The 3-Day Happiness Adventure: A Simple Guide to Getting Happy Fast

    The 3-Day Happiness Adventure: A Simple Guide to Getting Happy Fast

    Happy Woman

    “You have a choice each and every single day. I choose to feel blessed. I choose to feel grateful. I choose to be excited. I choose to be thankful. I choose to be happy.” ~Amber Housley

    What if I told you that you could dramatically and permanently increase your happiness within three days?

    And what if I told you that it was much easier than you think, based on a simple and logical approach, completely free, and you already have everything you need to succeed? Would you be interested? I assume you would be, but you might be skeptical.

    First, I am going to eliminate any skepticism, and then I will give you a straightforward and simple plan that you can implement for three days that will completely transform you, making you feel happier and leading you into a more grateful and abundant life. Sound good? Let’s begin.

    The Source of Happiness

    We’ve been taught that happiness is something to achieve, something that we go out and find.

    We look for a relationship, job, status, or lifestyle that we believe will make us happy. However, this approach to happiness has one major flaw: we are basing our happiness on things that constantly change and are beyond our control.

    By looking outside of ourselves for happiness, we are sure to have it forever slip through our grasp. Anything that might make us happy will not last, and this keeps us forever searching, always in pursuit. It has never worked and never will.

    But there are those who are consistently happy. What’s their secret? They have turned their attention inward and have realized one of the most thrilling and exciting aspects of life: that happiness comes from within, and that we can consciously choose to feel happy by directing our thoughts.

    Let’s try an exercise to illustrate this.

    Take a moment, close your eyes, and put your hands over your heart. Physically feel it beating.

    Be grateful for your heart and how it has guided you in your life. Ponder the fact that you didn’t have to earn your heart—it’s a gift. Think about how it’s always working for you, even while you’re sleeping. Really allow yourself to feel this. Take it in…

    Did you do the exercise? If not, go back and do it! You deserve a shot at happiness!

    Now, how does that feel? You have just redirected your mind to something positive. Positive thoughts lead to good feelings.

    With a little practice we can redirect our minds to think positively and to feel good. By following the instructions for the three-day happiness adventure, you will come to understand how to do just that.

    It’s All About How We Feel

    Like anyone else, I have had my share of struggle and difficulty. I have had moments of deep sadness, regret, loss, and fear.

    For years, I was involved in a relationship that tore me apart inside. I had pain and anger within me and I wanted to run from it, but I felt stuck and trapped.

    Eventually, it became too much to bear and I broke free from this detrimental relationship, got rid of nearly everything I owned, and moved to the other side of the world, to China.

    While in China, I went on a quest. I investigated Eastern mysticism, religions, and practices such as meditation, tai chi, and yoga. For years I searched, not knowing what I was searching for.

    Eventually, a lightbulb went off and I realized what I was looking for. In the end, it’s all about how we feel.

    We want a relationship, a job, a car, a higher status, to volunteer, or to fall in love because of how we think it will make us feel. And we want to avoid a breakup, a job loss, poverty, embarrassment, and the dentist because of the pain we think we will feel.

    I realized that how we feel is ultimately the result of our thoughts and what we pay attention to. Therefore, happiness and joy rely primarily on our attitude and perspective.

    I resolved to direct my mind. I was determined to focus only on that which I loved and was grateful for.

    Within a couple days, my entire life transformed. I was astonished by the changes that took place so quickly. And I was completely amazed at my ability to direct my thoughts and attention, a skill that I had left dormant all my life.

    Today, I wake up feeling terrific nearly every day. And many days I feel as if I am walking around in total amazement of the beauty around me, and in awe of the power within me. Yet, of course, I still face some difficulty and struggle, but much less than before. And that’s okay; some struggle is necessary.

    From difficulty often come our greatest lessons: loss can teach us what is truly precious, discontent can motivate us to imagine and pursue a greater life, and mistakes show us how we can become better. If we never knew sadness, we would never fully appreciate our happiness.

    Preparing For Your Happiness Adventure

    So our goal here is not to become like a happiness drone, constantly in a state of blissful joy, sitting cross-legged in utter contentment forever.

    Rather, the goal and the outcome of this three-day happiness adventure is to show you how to spend most of your time feeling good, feeling joyful and grateful.

    There is also another empowering outcome from this three-day adventure: it will show you that you are ultimately in charge of your state of mind and how you feel.

    In order to see results—truly exhilarating and mind-blowing results—you should give this your all.

    You will not see major changes if you do this halfheartedly or give up quickly. But if you really go for it and persist, weaving these exercises into the fabric of your life over the next three days, you will emerge from your cocoon as a butterfly, full of beauty and ready to soar for the rest of your life.

    Instructions for the Three-Day Happiness Adventure

    The instructions are simple and nothing needs to be added to this. For the next three days, you are to:

    1. Constantly point out what you love.

    All day, as much as possible, look for what you love and say it out loud.

    When something happens that you don’t like or if you find yourself thinking negatively, don’t fight it, don’t try to rid yourself of the negativity, simply look for something you love and point it out. You can say this to others or to yourself, but you should say it out loud as much as possible.

    Say: I love the way you smile, I love the color of those flowers, I love the smell of this food, I love how you did that, I love how this texture feels, I love how that tastes, I love taking care of you, I love how kind she is, I love this song, I love that I have a roof over my head, I love that I can so easily get light by flipping a switch, I love that I can read, I love that I have hands to do so much with, I love that there is so much beauty in the world and so on.

    2. Take eight minutes in the morning and eight minutes in the evening before going to bed to sit alone and undisturbed.

    Remove all distractions, all books and electronics. Sit only with your mind and list off some things you are grateful for. Say everything out loud.

    As you express your gratitude for each thing, person, and experience, take a moment to really feel how it feels to be grateful for that. Don’t rush through this. You can direct your thanks to a higher power, to your heart, or to nothing in particular; it doesn’t really matter.

    3. Every time you go to the restroom, pause for a moment and think of two things, people or experiences you are grateful for.

    Allow yourself to feel a sense of gratitude for these.

    4. Don’t watch or read any news.

    If you do this for three days, conscientiously and with persistence, you cannot fail to transform your perspective and your outlook. And, by doing so, your life will forever be more beautiful and joyful.

    We know that happiness is a choice. Now it’s in your hands. A path to greater happiness has been laid out for you. Will you choose to follow it?

    Happy silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Drop the Mask: How to Slowly Lower Your Guard and Change Your Life

    Drop the Mask: How to Slowly Lower Your Guard and Change Your Life

    Man with Mask

    “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

    The root of my inability to be open stems from my childhood. (I guess much of who we are comes from childhood, right?)

    I remember around the time I was eight years old going to a party at my aunt’s house. Even though I don’t remember the details of the party, I do remember what happened after.

    We got home that night and my dad asked me, ”Don’t you think you should be a little more reserved or have a little mystery to you?”

    I was thinking, “Huh?” What did I say or express at this party that made him say that?

    I’m sure I needed to hear that, because who knows what the heck I was saying. And I do believe having some boundaries is important.

    But I was a little expressive girl sharing my insides and sharing what I saw and experienced. I don’t believe we should share everything with everybody and “emotionally vomit” on people, but for some reason, that moment really defined me.

    I looked up to my father, and since I grew up without a mother, I looked to him for guidance.

    But now as an adult, I realize that my father was a private, closed person himself. So he was projecting that onto me.

    As I got older, I continued little by little closing parts of me off.

    People used to always tell me, “Lisa, you are such a great listener.” And yes, that is one of my best qualities, and I truly do enjoy people and want to see and hear them. But I rarely give people the chance to see me and hear me.

    If someone I don’t know very deeply asks me a question, I usually think before answering and feel uncomfortable talking about myself. Even if there is an opening or opportunity to share one of my experiences in a social setting, sometimes I choose not to.

    Why? Some guesses I have are:

    • I didn’t want to give up the illusion of having it all together.
    • I didn’t want to be seen as weak or needy.
    • I didn’t want to be vulnerable.

    And I’m an extrovert! I have always made friends easily and have always had friends. But recently, I took a look at my adult friendships, and I discovered that I only have a handful of friends that I would consider deep and extremely connected and meaningful, where I can totally be myself and feel comfortable completely trusting them with everything.

    Yes, I know many people say they don’t need a lot of deep relationships and only need a few. But is that BS we tell ourselves? Is that really true?

    Why can’t every relationship we have be as deep and connected? Aren’t most of us mirrors of each other and struggling for the same things?

    The reality is that I don’t want distance between me and anyone in my life. What I really crave is closeness to others and my community and many real connections.

    Being more open at the same time I feel vulnerable is like learning a second language for me.

    I know I will never be the person to spill my guts and be expressive the way others can be, and I’m okay with that.

    But I know it’s possible to open up your blinds for all people to see while remaining authentic.

    Here are a few strategies that have worked for me that may also work for you.

    1. Determine what masks you wear and why you truly are guarded.

    Did you have a bad experience as a child? When you open up, do people receive it negatively? Do you have certain insecurities that hold you back? Are you an introvert and really have a different process for connecting with people?

    Asking yourself these questions will help you get to the root of your insecurities. Just like doctors don’t treat illnesses before they understand the cause of your symptoms, you can’t change yourself without knowing why you are the way you are.

    Take some time—whether it’s just a half hour or a full weekend—to self-reflect. Consider writing down your feelings if you think it will help. Use this time to learn more about yourself and figure out why you’re guarded.

    2. Notice when you become closed, shutdown or guarded.

    Now that you know why you’re guarded, it’s time to become attentive to it.

    A few months ago, I went to a conference and had the opportunity to meet all kinds of amazing people. When the part came toward the end of the first day to “network” and talk and meet people, I ended up going to get a drink with someone I already knew because it was easier and I didn’t have to meet anyone new.

    But what made this time different was that I noticed and became aware of it in the moment. I completely shifted my mindset while I was there, and I can’t say I regret it.

    I met the most amazing people. We got past surface and business talk quickly, and I still keep up with many of them.

    You may find similar experiences equally rewarding. If you can’t work up the courage to take action yet, that’s okay. At this point, it’s about becoming aware of yourself.

    3. Let go of control.

    It sounds counterintuitive. How can you take off your masks if you aren’t in control? Let me explain.

    I’m reading this book called Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously by Osho. In it, Osho says:

    “If you understand, insecurity is an intrinsic part of life—and good that it is so, because it makes life a freedom, it makes life a continuous surprise. One never knows what is going to happen.

    It keeps you continuously in wonder. Don’t call it uncertainty—call it WONDER. Don’t call it insecurity—call it FREEDOM.”

    It takes courage to dig into who you really are and share that with other people, to completely cut yourself open to others. But it means you have to let go of being in any kind of control and trying to predict the outcome of what happens.

    When you’re in control, fear consumes you, and you follow it. Be courageous and let the situation control itself. Then your fears and masks will subside on their own.

    4. Be unattached to the possible outcomes when sharing your thoughts and feelings.

    It’s one thing to let go of control. It’s another to become unattached to the outcomes.

    It’s tough, I know, but when fears of what might happen next are holding you back, you have to stop worrying about the outcomes.

    It’s not about what people think of you. It’s not about whether they judge you because you are stating a truth and being yourself.

    It’s about your own personal growth. The only outcome that matters is the strength you gain from opening up. Remind yourself of that and all other possible outcomes will worry you less.

    Share yourself and your voice and let go.

    5. Take action in small steps until you become more comfortable.

    The tips above simply won’t happen overnight. You aren’t expected to let your guard down immediately and magically become willing to share your feelings and your voice. It’s going to take time.

    That’s where baby steps can help you.

    Instead of throwing yourself head-on into sharing your feelings or conversing with strangers, start out small:

    • Attend a social event, such as a party or conference, but bring a friend along for support. Make it a point to pitch in a comment or a strong opinion and talk to someone you don’t know.
    • Make it a habit to write in a journal every day for two weeks. Then, read excerpts to someone close to you so you can practice sharing the deeper things that you are thinking about.
    • Join a group where sharing is part of the platform, such as a business mastermind or hobby associated group.

    As you get more comfortable in these situations, take bigger steps:

    • Strike up a one-on-one conversation with a stranger. If this scares you, you can minimize some of your fears by talking to someone you know you’ll never see again. That way, the possible outcomes won’t scare you as much.
    • Share your story with a group of people. Talking with a supportive group of people or to your spiritual leader is a good place to start because these are safe environments where people won’t judge you.
    • Write about your experience and share it online—even if you publish it anonymously or under a pseudonym.
    • Write an article for a community like Tiny Buddha about an experience you want to share.

    Lowering your guard and being completely vulnerable in a meaningful way is incredibly difficult for people like me. But when you have a desire to change and you look inside yourself for courage, becoming the person you want to be is far less frightening.

    Man with mask image via Shutterstock

  • Create a Team to Battle Fears and Loneliness

    Create a Team to Battle Fears and Loneliness

    People Holding Hands

    “When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~Lao Tzu

    Five years ago, I found myself rebuilding my life after my fourteen-year marriage ended. During those first months preceding my divorce, crushing feelings of fear and loneliness often consumed me. Thankfully, I began seeing a wonderful therapist named Muriel.

    Each week, I held my breath until it was time for my appointment, when I could curl up on Muriel’s sofa and exhale all my anxieties.

    One week, when I was particularly overwhelmed, Muriel gave me the number of the local Crisis Hotline and insisted that I save it in my mobile phone.

    “I’m not suicidal!” I said, laughing as I dutifully recorded the number.

    A few nights later, I awakened in the middle of the night filled with anxiety and fear. I couldn’t stop crying. I called a good friend, but she didn’t answer. Just as I began to panic, I remembered the number Muriel gave me.

    After pouring my heart out to a complete stranger at the Crisis Hotline Center, an hour later I hung up the phone and promptly fell asleep. (In fact, I felt better from the moment I heard the volunteer’s voice on the end of the line.)

    Having the right resource empowered me to get the help I needed, when I needed it, in an appropriate manner.

    After that night, I realized the value of reaching out to the “right” person to help me through the various challenges I faced.

    In the months that followed, I came to rely upon my attorney to navigate the often rough waters of custody negotiation and property dispersal.

    I called on my accountant to provide me with guidance on my tax return.

    When I became anxious about my financial situation, I tapped the expertise of a financial planner to help me set up long- and short-term goals.

    In my personal life, I knew I could rely on my sisters for parenting tips, and I tapped the wisdom of my (single) friends when I began dating again.

    I also had colleagues with whom I could share ideas about pitching stories, or finding new clients. And I sought out a spiritual community with whom I could study, meditate, and pray.

    After a while, I began to look at every person in my life who helped me with an aspect of my well-being as a member of “Team Brigid.” Soon, my phone was filled with numbers of “experts” who could help me weather any crisis, or celebrate any triumph.

    Celebrities and millionaires have entourages and handlers to take care of their every task and need. But I don’t have to have fame or fortune to put together my own personal concierge service. In fact, having a team doesn’t have to cost me a cent; I only have to identify the people who are most valuable in my life and ask them for help.

    Creating my team roster didn’t take a lot of effort. Most of these people were already helping me in some capacity. But it’s a great source of comfort and confidence to create a list of all the people in various areas of my life who could help me with different tasks.

    For example, the mechanic who changes my car’s oil every 3,000 miles is an incredibly valuable member of my team—if I choose to look at him that way. Same goes for my hair stylist and my dry cleaner and my editor. I can look at each facet of my life—intellectual, physical, and spiritual—and identify people who are already helping me.

    By using the team perspective, I consider everyone who provides me a service as an ally, which makes the world a friendly place.

    The checkout woman at the grocery store who is always so nice to me (and everyone in her lane), and the Zumba instructor at my gym are all members of my team. As I expand my list, I realize how many people contribute to how I get through the day. Sometimes a friendly smile in the checkout lane makes all the difference.

    I don’t have an intimate relationship with every single person on my list. In fact, most of Team Brigid doesn’t know what’s happening in my personal life, let alone that they are on my “team roster,” but I can count on them all to play their part.

    Today, my team is more important than ever. Some days, just remembering that I have a wealth of (paid and unpaid) experts at the ready to support and guide me helps me maintain sanity and perspective when life becomes difficult.

    “Team Brigid” includes: my accountant, financial advisor, therapist, attorney, gynecologist, general practitioner, dentist, spiritual teacher, my neighbors, work colleagues, editors and clients, my car mechanic, hair stylist, 12-Step Sponsor, 12-Step program friends, my sisters and family members, girlfriends, my son, boyfriend, ex-husband*, my son’s teachers, coaches, and school counselors, and my son’s pediatrician.

    (*Yes, my ex is on my team today, as he plays an important role in helping raise our son.)

    Whenever I begin to feel anxious or lonely, I pull out my team roster and call up the appropriate player. For example, if I’m concerned about my son’s math grade, rather than sit and worry, I send an email to his teacher.

    Sharing my team perspective comes in handy when I have a loved one who is struggling with a difficult situation and leaning on me for support. Like my dear friend who (thankfully) slept through my 2am meltdown years ago, sometimes I just can’t be on the end of the phone—or I’m not the appropriate person to provide assistance.

    By helping my loved one develop her own team roster, I’m empowering her with far more help than I could by simply doling out advice based on my limited experience. (Plus, the team approach helps reduce caregiver burn out.)

    Who’s on your team? Spend some time today making a list of all the helpful people in your life who contribute to your well-being. You might find a position or two that needs to be filled. Or you may discover that you’ve “over-hired” in some areas.

    Looking at my life from a team approach helps me be open to the resources that are around me. I don’t have to be completely self-reliant, nor depend on any one person to take care of my needs.

    Ultimately, creating a list of the Most Valuable Players in my life helps me remember that, no matter what comes my way, I am never alone.

    People holding hands image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Practice to Prevent Binge Eating and Boost Your Happiness

    A Simple Practice to Prevent Binge Eating and Boost Your Happiness

    “Be nice to yourself. It’s hard to be happy when someone is mean to you all the time.” ~Christine Arylo

    When the alarm went off, the haze of a dream dissolved into the memory of yesterday’s failure. My stomach was still full from last night’s binge, and I was utterly disgusted with myself.

    How could I have blown it again? What was wrong with me?

    I grabbed a notepad and pen and resolved that today would be different. Today I would stick to my diet!

    As I had every day for the previous several weeks, I made a list of every single thing I would allow myself to put into my mouth that day, and its exact calorie count.

    The fact that this totaled up to starvation rations was, to my adolescent mind, perfectly sensible. I had to starve myself.

    Until I reached the (utterly arbitrary) “optimal” number on the scale, I would never be acceptable. Lovable. Enough.

    Or so I thought. The fact that my body was already a healthy weight had nothing to do with it.

    But this day, like all the days before, did not go as planned.

    By the first break period, hunger veered me from my rigid diet and I bought a cup of raisins and peanuts—a “forbidden” snack that took me well over my daily calorie allowance. Then, furious at myself for blowing it, I sought comfort by gorging myself on the very thing I was impossibly trying to avoid: food.

    Day after day it was the same vicious cycle: impose crazy-strict limits, fail to follow them, beat myself up, numb out by binge eating, beat myself up even more.

    Then, in disgust and desperation, I’d lock myself in the bathroom and secretly throw up.

    All of which, of course, only made me feel worse about myself, so I’d impose even stricter limits, which were, of course, even more impossible to stick to.

    This pattern of shame cycled on and off for close to a decade.

    Sometimes it was worse, sometimes better. I had periods when my eating was relatively normal, but for a long time I believed that, like a recovering alcoholic, I’d never be entirely free from the danger of backsliding. “Once a bulimic, always a bulimic,” I often said.

    Over my years of healing, though, I was pleased to discover that I was wrong.

    It didn’t happen overnight, but I’m living proof that it is possible to break free from binge eating behavior.

    I could tell you all the things that helped me in my journey toward health. For example:

    • The attention of my first boyfriend, who made me feel attractive and loved.
    • Giving away all my “skinny” clothes and buying a new wardrobe of clothes that actually fit and made me feel attractive.
    • Studying Feminist theory and learning how my self-concept was programmed and poisoned by a sexist status quo and powerful Capitalist institutions, which greatly benefit when women focus our energies on changing our bodies, rather than changing the world.
    • Experiencing my boyfriend’s family’s attitude of abundance around food, which made me realize that my own family had an attitude of scarcity that exacerbated my dysfunctional eating. (Better eat those brownies now, because there won’t be any more when these are gone!)
    • Eliminating all restrictions and rules around which foods were “allowed” and which “forbidden,” and in what portion sizes. (Restrictions don’t work, because it’s human nature to always crave what’s forbidden!)

    When I looked back from decades later, a pattern emerged. Underlying all of these influences was the simple concept of self-compassion.

    Acknowledging that I’m human, allowing myself to be imperfect, treating myself kindly and gently when I stumble—this, I have learned, is a foundational practice not just for healthy eating, but for living a happy life.

    When I let go of my rigid food rules, and when I ceased to beat myself up for “blowing it,” there was nothing for me to rebel against.

    And when I gave myself permission to be human and imperfect, there was no need to beat myself up anymore.

    It turns out the tendency to over-consume after a small stumble is a well-documented phenomenon.

    The actual scientific term for it is the “What the Hell Effect,” as in, “Oops… I’m trying to quit smoking, but I just took a puff from a friend’s cigarette. What the hell, I might as well smoke the entire pack…”

    Since beating ourselves up seems to invariably lead to the “What the Hell Effect,” a group of researchers wondered whether self-compassion might act as an antidote, and decided to test their theory.

    One study brought women dieters into a lab, one at a time, ostensibly to taste test candies.

    In fact, they were studying the effects of self-compassion on binge eating, but they didn’t tell the women this.

    Upon entering the lab, a researcher wearing a white lab coat (signaling authority) presented each subject with a tray of donuts, and instructed her to pick her favorite kind and eat it (thus blowing her diet!) Then the researcher handed her a full glass of water and asked her to drink it all, so she’d feel uncomfortably full, and hence very aware that she’d blown it.

    Next the researcher showed the woman into a room with several bowls of different kinds of candy, handed her a clipboard and pen in order to rate them, and told her she could eat as much as she wanted.

    What the women in the study didn’t know is that the candies had been carefully weighed in advance. In fact, the scientists threw out the rating sheets—what they were really interested in was how much candy the women ate.

    Here’s where things got really interesting. The only difference between the control group and the experiment group was that before letting the experiment group into the “candy tasting” room, the researchers gave these women a very small self-compassion intervention, which went something like this:

    “You know, we’ve noticed that a lot of women feel really badly about eating the donut. We wanted to remind you that first, you did it for science, and second, everyone blows their diet sometimes. So don’t be too hard on yourself.”

    It seems like such a small thing, but guess what? That tiny intervention made a very big difference. The women who were told not to be too hard on themselves ate almost one third the amount of candy as the control group women!

    This mirrors exactly my own experience with binge eating: When I was finally able to forgive myself, remind myself that I’m human, and treat myself kindly, the bulimic behavior simply dissolved.

    Dr. Kristen Neff, the world’s foremost researcher on self-compassion and author of Self-Compassion, defines self-compassion as being composed of three elements:

    1. Mindfulness (noticing that you’re feeling badly, as if observing yourself from the outside)
    1. Common humanity (recognizing that stumbling, personal inadequacy, and suffering are part of the shared human experience, not your personal pathology)
    1. Self-kindness (being gentle and loving with yourself, as you would a beloved friend)

    Like so much else in life, self-compassion is a practice. Most of us were not trained to be self-compassionate as children, but thankfully, we can learn to do so as adults.

    We can even use self-compassion when we stumble in our efforts at self-compassion!

    In my own life, this simple practice has been life-changing. Not only do I have the healthiest relationship with food of any woman I know, but I’ve learned to allow myself to be human in every other area of my life as well, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

    I wish I could go back and give my seventeen-year-old self a self-compassion intervention—it might have saved me decades of misery.

    Of course I can’t go back in time, but I can share what I’ve learned with you. I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.

    What’s something you’ve been frustrated with yourself about this week? Can you try practicing self-compassion with that? If it were your dearest friend, instead of you, how would you respond to her? Try turning that kind and loving voice on yourself and see what happens. And remember, practicing self-compassion takes practice, so if it’s hard for you, be self-compassionate!