Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Finding Love Now Without Searching for It

    Finding Love Now Without Searching for It

    Find Love

    “Even in the loneliest moments I have been there for myself.” ~Sanober Khan

    My life coach once suggested I give myself the love I needed, which saddened me profoundly. Was that not supposed to be the job of “the love of my life,” whom I would find one day? In fact, I had not met anyone who completely gave up on the idea of finding love, no matter how long they had been single.

    Why though?

    I myself was happily single for years and yet deep down, there was still that expectation of finding love one day.

    Recollecting my moments of loneliness and longing, I came to a rather selfish conclusion—it would have been so much easier to deal with my life problems and negative bouts of emotions if I had had someone that could make me believe “all is okay as long as we have each other.”

    I felt alone all my life—in my family, among friends, and even in the long-term relationship I once had. That was probably why I always secretly yearned for that special someone who would understand me at the deepest level and love me the way I would like to be loved. Someone who would take away my loneliness…

    I knew love was also about the joy of giving and being there for another person. However, my need for love was ultimately a desire for support and assurance. After all, being single never bothered me when life felt great in every way!

    It suddenly struck me, what if I went through the rest of my life never meeting this perfect someone? Could I somehow give myself the support and assurance needed?

    Finding love was an exhausted topic. However, while the concept of love was broad, when it came to finding love, people almost exclusively meant love for and from another being. When we felt the desire for love, we therefore naturally sought it out of ourselves.

    What if, by finding enough love from within, we no longer felt the need for that special someone?

    Empowering, but scary, I found.

    It was easier to ignore my problems believing that the solutions to them were already out there in the form of this great love that I, like most people, would eventually find.

    It was comforting to think that once this love was found, life would suddenly become better without me having to work anything out. The perfect partner would halve the weight of my life responsibilities, take away my moments of fears, and increase my happiness tenfold—so I hoped.

    If I stopped counting on that special person to “fix” my life, I alone would become the solution to all my problems. And that was not exactly a comfortable thought. As Erica Jong put it, “Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame!”

    The hope for a magical solution someday took away the pressure of this moment, but with it went the power to impact my own life today. Rather than the perfect man, what I really needed was courage to face my own life’s struggles, I finally decided.

    Then, as if to test my resolve to find love and courage from within, life threw me a month of inner turmoil. My fears, doubt, and confusion were so consuming that for weeks I felt physically weak.

    I had given myself twelve months to freely learn and develop, taking the risks I would not have considered in my previous corporate life. In the spirit of embracing the unknown, I had been going wherever passion and opportunities took me. It had been a wonderful journey but now that the “allocated” time ran out, my sense of identity came into question.

    What if I did not have what it took to build a career on my own terms? What if the impact I wanted to make in the world was no more than an indulgent dream? Did I just let my ego take over when rejecting outright the idea of going back to full-time employment? Had I abandoned my responsibilities to myself and my family in this heady place of living a passion?

    Alone in what seemed like a fight for sanity, I desperately searched for a way to give myself the support needed.

    I knew that while my feelings were associated with unresolved problems, I could feel differently without anything being resolved.

    The emotions were a result of me being caught in a spiral of destructive thoughts and perceptions. If I could somehow shift my focus away from being “a failure with no future” and inhabit a new perspective on my current situation, I would be relieved of the overwhelming feelings.

    However, there was no good forcing positive thoughts through because my emotions had by then become a physical felt sense that would just stay there in my body even when my mind was far from my worries.

    Every day went by with me increasingly aware of something heavy constantly choking my throat and pressing down on my heart. Tears would stream out in random moments for no apparent reason.

    It was in that state that I attended a session called kindfulness—mindfulness practice with kindness. When I mentioned to the teacher about my usual problem of being distracted by thoughts in meditation and my fear of being even more aware of my heavy feeling while focusing on the present moment, I was told to welcome and be with whatever came.

    As I turned my attention to what was happening around me and within me, I was acutely aware of my distracting negative thoughts and that heavy felt sense. However, I was also drawn to the soothing sight of leaves shimmering in the breeze under the sun outside. Just like that, my focus swiftly and freely moved from one thing to another.

    For ten minutes, I sat there observing and accepting. Unlike with my other attempts to meditate, I for once did not mind the fact that I was doing it badly.

    To my amazement, my heavy felt sense virtually disappeared after the session. Just to make sure I was not fooling myself, I turned my mind to the unsolved issues. They were still there, only, I no longer felt them the way I had.

    I realized that it was probably the first time I gave myself a gesture of gentle kindness. There were no must, should, need to in those ten minutes. Neither was there a familiar inner voice telling me that this quiet time was a rare treat and I would have to work hard to earn it again. Like a true friend, I simply gave myself the tenderness of acceptance and companionship.

    So it was by chance on a random Sunday afternoon that I found the love I needed—not in the courage that I had thought I would have to build, but in the softness of newly-found kindness for myself.

    When I drift into thoughts of being in a relationship these days, I find that my former neediness has now been replaced by simple curiosity. Without expectations of support and assurance from a partner, I wonder what my new experience of romance would be like. I find myself smiling mischievously at the thought.

    When destructive emotions take over, we are often overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness that sends us looking for support in others.

    It is great when such external support can be found in a loved one, but it is also immensely liberating to know that with a little self-compassion, you alone can be the solution to what seems like your greatest struggle. After all, as it is often said, we cannot expect from others what we cannot give ourselves.

    Find love image via Shutterstock

  • What You Have

    What You Have

    The Things You Want

  • Your Kindness Could Help Someone Find Hope in the Darkness

    Your Kindness Could Help Someone Find Hope in the Darkness

    “Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” ~Scott Adams

    I was ten years old and growing up in a home that I can only describe as hellish. Among other things, our father forced us to stand against the wall for long periods of time until we shook from exhaustion. On one such day, he sent me to McDonald’s to buy him a cup of coffee.

    I was happy to get out of the house and escape my punishment momentarily. As I headed to McDonald’s, I wondered what it would be like to never have to go back home. I hoped that I would have a better life someday, but I could not see how.

    When I arrived at my destination and opened my mouth to order the coffee, I burst into tears. I just could not hold them back any longer and they came pouring out right there at the counter in McDonald’s.

    As I stood there, a sobbing, broken little ten-year-old girl, a lady came out of nowhere. She said, “Sweetheart, would you like something for yourself? I will buy you anything you want. Just tell me what it is and I will get if for you.”

    I was so touched by her kindness that I cried even harder. There was nothing on that menu I wanted. I wanted a better life. I wanted never to have to go home again.

    Eventually I stopped crying and went home with the coffee, but I never forgot that lady or her kindness to me. I’ve often wished that I could find her and thank her for what she did that day.

    We interact with so many people every day, in traffic, at the office, and online. If you walk down the sidewalk in a major city you will walk past hundreds of people. The next time you do this, look at them. Really look at them.

    Every single one of these people has had his or her heart broken at one time or another. Guaranteed. You never know what other people are dealing with.

    The person who cut you off in traffic may be struggling with a difficult child or spouse. He or she may have just gotten fired. Of course, it’s possible that they’re simply rude, but you never know. We can’t always be at our best, but we can try.

    It is not always possible to know why people act the way they do, but I can guarantee that you will feel better if you give people the benefit of the doubt more often than not.

    When in doubt, be kind. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind.

    Can you express concern for someone today? Will you take a minute to hold the door for someone or let them in front of you in traffic?

    Why not pick up the phone and call a friend who could use a kind word? You could send a quick email or text to someone you’ve been thinking of. If you want to go all-out, send a hand-written note or card to someone.

    When you encounter a person who is less than charming, consider taking a deep breath and trying to understand where he or she is coming from. Do they have a point? Can you let it go?

    Instead of rushing through your day, try slowing down and seeing how you can be of assistance. Be open to being of service, even in small ways. Instead of worrying because you’re too busy at work to volunteer on a regular basis, you could just volunteer for an hour or two.

    You can make an enormous impact on someone’s life, even with one small kindness. I still struggle to find the words to describe how much that simple act of compassion meant to me all those years ago.

    I went back home and life was still hard. Nothing changed for a very long time, but I had a tiny seed of hope in my heart that began to grow.

    I went to bed that night knowing that there is kindness in this world. Good things were possible and all was not lost. Somehow, it would be okay because there are good people in the world.

    Even today when I’m struggling with something and all seems lost, I remember that day. I remember that there’s always hope. I send a silent thank you to my would-be benefactor.

    You don’t have to be Mother Teresa or Abraham Lincoln to make an impact in someone’s life. You can simply take a minute out of your day to encourage someone. You never know how much of a difference you can make with one small act of kindness.

    If you lived in the south suburbs of Chicago in the late seventies and offered to buy something for a crying girl at McDonald’s, I want to send you a very belated thank you. This post is dedicated to you.

  • 7 Small Changes that Can Increase Your Happiness Overnight

    7 Small Changes that Can Increase Your Happiness Overnight

    Smiling Sun

    “Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

    I used to be constantly depressed.

    After dropping out of college, I worked three jobs a day to help make ends meet. At the same time, my classmates were graduating from college and getting much higher paying, cushier jobs.

    I lived in a tiny apartment that had cockroach problems. I constantly complained and could not find the motivation to do anything. I thought about giving up. It was only when I started making these small changes that I started to feel happier.

    1. Embrace religion and/or spirituality.

    Religion and spirituality have been shown to help people daily, providing hope, stamina, and faith in something bigger than themselves. It’s a largely recognized practice throughout all cultures, promoting positive ways of being, humanity, love, and morality.

    Practicing religion is good for the soul and makes you more aware of those things that are beyond you.

    Recognize that the universe is large, and you are a small, but key player in it. Feel significant that you are a part of such a large and wonderful system. Take time each day to pray and focus on the bigger picture, whatever that may be for you.

    When I started practicing Buddhism, I found myself better able to put things in perspective. Rather than be bogged down by the immediate circumstances and the heat of the moment, I learned to first take a step back. This helped me get through many days where I would otherwise feel depressed.

    2. Socialize.

    Humans are social beings, so it’s important to unwind and spend time with friends. Friends provide a social network for group enjoyment, whether it’s through sharing a meal, watching a movie, or playing games. The opportunities are endless. Plus, they are your support system during tough times.

    Friends are not the only means of socializing. Volunteering provides a social outlet with a humanitarian benefit. It’s a good idea to give time helping those causes that are important to you.

    Are you an animal lover? Spend time at a shelter or cuddle up with kittens at Cat Haven. You’re a people person? Find a local charity that allows you to feed the homeless or help a child learn to read. If you love politics, volunteer for a candidate you believe in.

    When I first started feeling depressed, I became very reclusive and would shun any interaction with those around me. I gradually realized that that was only making things worse.

    Now, regardless of how busy I am, I make time to meet with my best friends at least once a week. I invariably felt happier and more relaxed after those meetings.

    3. Work positively.

    Your job takes up much of your day, so find ways to enjoy it. Be creative.

    Bring headphones to work and listen to music while you’re being productive, which will improve your work performance. Bring flowers or simple green plants to your desk and decorate your workspace, personalizing it to you. Take small walk breaks to stretch your legs and clear your mind. Don’t forget to hydrate. It’s important for the thinking process.

    Find ways to use your own set of personal skills to improve a role within your company. Your boss will be grateful. Focus on how your work enhances the lives of others or contributes to the growth of the economy in some way. Changing these small things can help you work more positively.

    When presented challenging tasks at work, I used to complain a lot. My happiness and work satisfaction improved significantly when I turned this habit on its head. Instead of avoiding challenges, I looked forward to them; I now see them as a way to help me learn and grow.

    4. Stay healthy and fit.

    Surround yourself with nature. City living oftentimes leads to a lack of greenery, and we can forget that we all need a bit of nature and occasional distance from the fast-paced, often polluted lives we lead. Drive to a nearby park and take a walk. Find a local hiking trail or nearby lake.

    Next, be active and have some fun while doing it. You should enjoy moving your body. This can take the form of dance or recreational sport. Maybe you like running alone, so you have time to for self-reflection and deep thinking. Oftentimes you come up with your best ideas when you are outside moving.

    Just find what it is you love, and do that. If it’s something you enjoy, it will be easier to create the habit.

    Yoga is an essential part of my daily routine. Every morning, upon waking up, I practice for thirty minutes. This daily practice is something that I have total control over. Regardless of how uncertain and stressful the day can be, I can always take solace in the fact that I still have control over this important part of my day.

    5. Maintain a healthy mind.

    Staying positive can be difficult some days. We all have troubling times in our lives, but there are many ways to cope with these issues that will not affect your sleep, allowing your body the rest it needs to revitalize and heal itself.

    First, write your worries down each night, as if to write them away. Tell yourself these are to be resolved during your waking hours, and you will reflect on them at that time and only then. This permits yourself sleep and offers time for your body to relax, renew and restore.

    Secondly, reflect on what you’re grateful for each day by writing an A-Z gratitude journal before bed. This means that you start with the beginning of the alphabet and write one word that you’re grateful for that day that begins with A, and go all the way down the list to Z.

    Don’t stress it if you get stumped. This is simply an easy exercise to remind you of what you are grateful for in your life. I do this every day; it never fails to remind me of how fortunate I am in spite of everything I had gone through.

    Thirdly, meditate; practice deep breathing and mindfulness and accept the things that “are.” It’s a simple concept, but can be a more difficult practice. It will get easier with practice.

    6. Cherish your home.

    Your home should reflect the people that live in it. Someone should be able to walk into your house and feel like it couldn’t be a home for anyone else but you. It should reflect your personality and emanate positive vibes.

    It should be inviting and filled with love. It should reflect the wonderful life that you live, enhancing your hobbies and ideals that are important to you. Fill it with positivity, nature, and your personality.

    I take time at least once a month to do a mini house project, which can range from buying some plants for the house to repainting a part of the ceiling.

    7. Get to know yourself.

    Everyone is great at something, whether it’s writing, creating websites, drawing, or something else. Find your personal gift and develop that skill. Give time to that skill, and recognize this is part of who you are. Enjoy and embrace it.

    Trying something new once in a while can help you discover interesting hidden talents. I didn’t know I was good at social dancing until I randomly decided to go for a class with a friend one day.

    In addition, don’t just focus on doing the things you’re good at. Do the things that you love as well, whether it’s reading, relaxing, traveling, or playing sports. Make sure you carve out some time for those activities you enjoy.

    Thirdly, it’s vital to spend some time in solitude each day so that you can reflect and grow. This is something that’s important for everyone, even for those that are married and have families. You have to be whole and happy before you can help take care of your extended family and those around you.

    Be kind to yourself. Happy living!

    Smiling sun via Shutterstock

  • Life is a Circle

    Life is a Circle

    Life Is a Circle

  • You’re More Valuable Than You Think

    You’re More Valuable Than You Think

    You Matter

    “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

    On a summer night in Hicksville, Long Island, I swung the bat and drove a double down the left-field line. I broke up the pitcher’s no-hitter, and he was one of the best pitchers in the league. I felt completely at home. I was myself.

    On another summer night in Vergennes, Vermont, I stumbled back to the fence tracking down a fly ball. I speared at it with my glove, then watched it bounce off of my hand and go over the fence for a grand-slam home run. I felt numb and hateful.

    For each negative episode on the baseball field, it would take days to recover. It tortured me, and by association, those around me. It wasn’t just baseball, either. It was all things—academics, peer-acceptance, or any life event.

    Well into my late twenties, I was still soaring through emotional ceilings and crashing through emotional floors. The longevity of the pattern was beginning to drive me crazy. I needed to end this cycle, but how?

    I didn’t know at the time that this was a self-esteem issue. The major flaw in my worldview back then was that my self-worth was based on what other people thought of me.

    Going back to when I was a kid, and well into adulthood, I was highly sensitive to the feedback of others. As a kid, a teacher would praise me and I’d be on top of the world. Later in the day, a coach would yell at me and I’d feel worthless.

    I had no internal anchor or innate sense of value. And why would I? The culture I grew up in was one where you could have worthless people. If you didn’t add value in some way to some person, you had no worth. You didn’t have a reason to exist.

    For me, grades and sports were what I did to prove I was worth existing. When things went well, I was untouchably confident. I felt alive and powerful. On the other side of that coin, during the bad periods, I felt homeless. Like I didn’t deserve to be, well, anywhere.

    I had no idea that life didn’t have to be this way.

    A Moment of Clarity

    One weekend in my early thirties, I was bed-ridden with the flu. Through the bedroom door, I listened to my wife and two small kids the entire weekend. On Sunday night, when I was feeling better, I came out to spend time with them.

    As I walked out, I could feel the energy in the room lift. This was something I had never experienced before. I felt a relaxing of tension and a sense of uplifting from my wife and kids. As I began talking and catching up on the weekend, I could see the positive effects continue.

    In that moment, the thought struck me—I’m being valuable just by showing up.

    Just by being myself, and expressing myself, I had a positive effect on everyone in the house. It was clear to me that things were different and better, simply because I was present.

    I gave more thought to how people’s lives would be if I simply disappeared. I began paying attention to the effect my presence had in normal, everyday situations. I realized that by expressing my truer nature—my quirky, sometimes nerdy, genuine self—I made a positive impact. I was giving out positive energy.

    This had been happening my entire life, but I wasn’t aware of it until that weekend.

    Over time, as these ideas took root in my mind, I sensed for the first time that I deserved to be here on Earth. I had an inherent right to exist; not a right I had to earn. I no longer felt like a guest.

    It was the start of a confidence rooted deeply within myself. I wasn’t emotionally dependent on the feedback or opinions of others. I now knew I had something of value, something that was intangible and plentiful, and I could give it to others all of the time. It was me and my energy.

    From there, I started to look for the same in others. I realized everyone has a unique piece of life’s puzzle to contribute. Some contribute in small ways, some contribute in large ways, but everyone’s piece is important. You cannot have a whole puzzle if a piece is missing.

    With this increased sense of value on my own life and the life of others, the quality of each day is noticeably better. Spending time and connecting with others not only feels like I’m giving a unique gift, but I’m receiving one as well. It’s a completely different way of living.

    This is a far cry from the me who kept his true self hidden. I used to think that revealing my true self was the cause of turmoil and destruction, and now I’ve realized that my true self is the vehicle through which I enjoy life.

    What I’m saying here goes beyond people who have a wife and kids. It goes beyond whatever limits you might feel you have based on your lifestyle or social circle. It’s impossible for you to know what kind of effect you are having on the world as a whole.

    You are you for a reason. Your quirks, your idiosyncrasies, the things that make you unique and who you are—you are meant to be these things and go about life in this way. Each action you take that’s based in your unique personality has ripple effect upon ripple effect.

    It’s impossible for you to know that the random person you chatted with on a bus about the Lord of the Rings trilogy ended up reading the books and became passionate about them. And that person shared them with someone else, who loved them so much and felt so inspired that they went on to become an author for themselves, writing books that sparked the imaginations and passions of thousands or even millions.

    Could you have ever known that sharing your interest on some random Tuesday on a bus could have had that effect? Did you consider that by staying silent, you broke the chain that would’ve resulted in joy for millions of people around the world?

    Nobody can know these things, but they are the everyday miracles of life. There is your value—it’s you, your uniqueness, and your expression of it.

    We are all blessed with a unique value, and the more we cultivate it and share it, the better we feel every day. Your true self is a gift and a key to unlocking a life of greater satisfaction. Go ahead and use that key. It will open a lot of doors.

    You matter image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Reasons We All Deserve Forgiveness

    5 Reasons We All Deserve Forgiveness

    Remorseful Woman

    “To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds.” ~Wayne Dyer

    When we have been deeply hurt or betrayed by a friend, loved one, or even an acquaintance, it can be incredibly difficult to let it go and forgive them. Some acts seem almost unforgivable, but really not much is.

    My belief is that people who hurt us are more often than not in a lot of pain themselves, and they’re making choices and decisions based on their own wounds.

    I’ve spent the past two years working hard to forgive someone I loved deeply who hurt me. It hasn’t been easy, and it’s taken a huge amount of time looking within, acknowledging my own mistakes in life, and seeing all the reasons it’s imperative I forgive others for their wrongs. They deserve it as much as I do.

    It’s one of the most powerful and loving things we can do, and it ultimately brings us peace of mind and the loving energy we deserve in our lives.

    So, why should you let go of your resentment and rage and forgive someone who has hurt you? A few reasons that have been motivators for me:

    1. Forgiving allows the other person to work on themselves.

    Nobody is perfect. We have all had times in our lives when things have gotten out of control or we acted in ways that weren’t in alignment with who we want to be in this world.

    Yes, sometimes people do hurtful things because they are flat out selfish, but most of the time we screw up without meaning to. We all deserve a second chance to do better.

    Receiving a second chance when I have hurt someone else has allowed me to step up my game and prove to myself and to them that I can do better.

    Sometimes it’s taken time for me to really get it. We don’t change our thought patterns and behaviors overnight. But I know that when somebody has forgiven me, it has forced me to take stock of my actions and motives and work on myself. And in the process, I have shown up as the woman I want to be in this world and proven to myself and to others that I can change.

    We wouldn’t even bother trying if another person hadn’t forgiven our actions as a way of saying, “I can let this go, and I trust and hope this experience has taught you something.”

    2. If we show others compassion, we learn how to develop it for ourselves.

    Often when we are holding onto resentment toward someone who hurt us, it’s about our ego. We want them to suffer as much as we did.

    One of my close friends has been teaching me about compassion. I don’t show much for myself, so I have a difficult time showing it for others. But as I have slowly learned to develop compassion for people who have hurt me, digging deep into the reasons why they may have done it, it’s allowed me to develop more compassion for myself for the things I have done.

    Developing compassion for someone who has hurt you is a powerful and integral step toward healing for both of you.

    3. Forgiveness helps everybody involved move on.

    Not all people and situations are meant to be a part of our lives forever. Sometimes, they are there for a period of time to teach us something, and once their purpose is served, they move on and the next chapter of our story begins.

    As difficult as it may be to let people go, whether they are a long time friend, a family member, a spouse, or a lover, when we forgive them we create a space for them to move onto their next chapter, as well as ourselves.

    If we’re holding onto the old story of “what they did to us,” we can’t create a space for better things to come into our life.

    4. When we know better, we do better.

    I live by Maya Angelou’s quote that for most of us, “when we know better, we do better.” I truly believe that people don’t go around intentionally trying to hurt others, especially those closest to us.

    Most people are doing the very best they can with what they know, how they were raised, and where they are at in life. I know that I personally have often made the same mistakes over and over again until I really got the lesson and developed the tools to do things differently. When I’ve known better, I’ve done better.

    Try to recognize that every experience in your life, especially the most painful ones, are teachers that reveal to us what we still need to master. You have the opportunity to become better if you can avoid holding onto bitterness.

    5. Without forgiveness we don’t grow spiritually.

    The process of spiritual growth is infinite. Some of our spiritual lessons are to learn compassion, self-love, and unconditional love for others. We are still operating at the bottom realms of our spiritual growth when we are carrying around feelings of hate and bitterness and thoughts of revenge.

    When we receive somebody else’s forgiveness, I believe we graduate one step up that spiritual ladder. Whether we feel we deserved it or not, somebody gave it to us. And when we receive such a beautiful and selfless gift from somebody else, we are compelled to give it back.

    This mutual exchange of loving energy between people who have wronged us is a beautiful step forward on our spiritual journey.

    The bottom line is, forgiveness is something we ultimately do for us, not the other person. And without it, the pain inside our hearts will never heal.

    Remorseful woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Pushing and Stressing About Your Goals

    How to Stop Pushing and Stressing About Your Goals

    Skipping Man

    “You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ~Steve Maraboli

    I’ve encountered many people who live by the belief that in order to be successful, one must “go out and make things happen.” I used to feel the same until I realized that we don’t actually have control over most aspects of our lives.

    We can attempt to make things happen, but doing so doesn’t guarantee anything—it only develops yearning, which leads to suffering.

    Take my recent job search, for example. I spent nine months looking for a job. I applied to over 200 open positions and took part in more than thirty interviews. After several months I became desperate and out of this desperation, began to become depressed.

    It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, my job search wasn’t going anywhere. I needed a different approach.

    As I usually do during trying times, I turned to my beliefs for insights. I read Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart, Thich Nhat Hanh’s You Are Here and Dr. Wayne W. Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao.

    Dyer interprets the Tao Te Ching to state that our desires can create stress and anxiety, and that happiness comes not from pursuing goals, but by finding joy in everything we encounter.

    “Stop pushing yourself,” Dyer writes. “And feel gratitude and awe for what is.”

    Once I read this line, I realized that I had much to be thankful for, even during a time of unemployment.

    This understanding allowed me to change how I perceived my life. As a result, I began to experience happiness from small experiences, such as walking around the neighborhood or making a cup of coffee.

    This shifted my attitude and allowed me to become more receptive to life’s greatness. No longer did I feel depressed because I believed that by letting go of my desire to find a job, I was opening myself up to the plans that would manifest organically.

    One may say that I put faith in finding work and believed that the right position would come along at the right time. My new philosophy: let go and let the universe do it.

    I continued to apply for jobs and interview, but I knew that I couldn’t force myself into a job offer. I had to go with the flow—to learn to ride the waves instead of trying to change the tide.

    This new perspective allowed me to release the stress relating to my job search and to accept that great things would happen at the right time.

    During interviews, I no longer felt desperate and nervous. I knew that if it were meant to be, I would receive an offer. This created a more positive environment and one that increased the likelihood of finding work.

    Just weeks after I changed my views and let go of negative emotions, I received a job offer.

    Looking back, I realize that my desire to find work was not only stressing me out, it was creating a wall that prevented me from achieving my goal of securing a job.

    When we’re working toward a goal, we often push ourselves to the point of desperation. We know what we want, and while that’s a good thing, stressing ourselves out to achieve that desire only develops resistance toward that aspiration.

    We might feel that if we don’t stress and push ourselves, we’ll be opening ourselves up to bad things that could happen.

    For me, this belief led to a feeling that if I didn’t find a job, I was going to be evicted from my apartment and forced to live on the street. I’ve since learned that stressing out doesn’t necessarily prevent negative consequences.

    In order to truly experience what the universe has in store for us, we need to let go of the need to control every aspect of our lives and focus instead on showing up and putting our best foot forward. Here are three tips to help put us on the path to achieving our innermost desires.

    Set your intention.

    Setting your intention is the first step in reaching your goals. When I was job searching, my intention was to find a position that was the next step in my career. No matter your intention, place it in your mind, see it in your mind’s eye, or meditate on it.

    Let go of your attachment to the outcome.

    Once we set our intention, we have little control over the outcome. Often others are involved, and we can’t force them into helping us achieve our goals. Realize that no matter what happens, you will be okay. And know that adopting this mindset will free you up mentally so you’re able to focus on controlling what you can control—your own choices and actions.

    Trust that your efforts will pay off.

    Trust is essential in manifesting our goals and desires. Once we realize this, our faith strengthens and we open ourselves up to many new opportunities in the process.

    As simple as these steps seem, actually following them is more challenging. It takes practice to learn to let go and trust that great things will happen.

    But as Lama Surya Das writes in Make Me One with Everything, “Buddha said that transcendent peace exists in things left just as they are.” Das adds that “I have found that all things are already at rest and at peace, inasmuch as one’s own inner life remains fit, flexible, and attuned.”

    We must remain flexible and attuned with life’s changes, as Das states. As soon as I realized this with my job search, beneficial things began to manifest.

    We can all benefit by learning that life’s greatness doesn’t require that we “get out and do,” but that we simply accept the wonderful things we already have and then adjust our expectations, while trusting that everything we need either is already within us, available to us, or in our future.

    Skipping man image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Ways to Seize the Day and Achieve Greater Work-Life Balance

    10 Ways to Seize the Day and Achieve Greater Work-Life Balance

    Seize the Day

    “Seize the day, trusting little in the future.” ~Horace

    Don’t you hate it when you think of the perfect comeback to someone’s comment way too late? One that really sticks out for me happened a couple years ago.

    I was midway through a cross-Canada speaking tour, sharing about my journey with cancer and what it taught me about work-life balance and embracing life’s simple pleasures.

    After giving my talk to a Rotary Club in Alberta, one of the audience members approached me.

    “You know what balance is?” he gruffly demanded, jabbing a finger at me. “Working hard the first half of your life so you can enjoy the second half. That’s balance!”

    Taken aback, my mind went blank. It wouldn’t have mattered. He was out the door before I had a chance to speak.

    Strictly speaking, the man wasn’t wrong. In the left-side-equals-right-side sense of things, spending the first half of your life focused on work and the latter half focused on leisure is a form of balance.

    It was only some time later, on the long, lonely road to Regina, Saskatchewan that I thought of what I should have said. Sure, the man’s definition of balance might technically be accurate. But it’s also quite a gamble.

    Life’s Curveballs

    As I drove along the Trans-Canada Highway through the prairies, my thoughts turned to a conversation I had with my dying uncle a few months earlier. I was on my way to visit my dad, who had been diagnosed with early onset dementia, and the hospital my uncle was being treated at was on the way. So I stopped in to say hello.

    It was a short visit, but a good one. Though the cancer had ravaged my uncle’s body, his mind was as sharp as ever.

    “This isn’t how your dad or I planned on spending our retirement,” he said.

    If my uncle’s death, dad’s diagnosis, and my experience with cancer at age twenty-seven have taught me anything, it’s that life is full of curveballs. And while there’s nothing wrong with planning for the future and having goals, pinning all your hopes for happiness on something “down the road” is risky.

    Because whether it’s a drunk driver, bolt of lightning, collapsed roof, or massive heart attack, life can change in the blink of an eye.

    Carpe Diem

    Memento mori: Remember that you will die. It’s a Latin expression that some might consider morbid and depressing; one that makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t.

    Instead, I see it as an empowering reminder of the short time we have in life and an awesome motivation to make the most of it. This video by spoken word artist Prince Ea communicates this idea beautifully.

    But sure, you’re thinking, that all sounds well and good, but how exactly do I go about grabbing life by the horns? I barely have time to grab it by the tail and hang on for dear life as it goes charging past me.

    Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Every situation and everybody is different. But to get your creative juices flowing, here are ten ideas for how to seize the day and enjoy greater work-life balance:

    1. Remember what’s important.

    Keep yourself grounded and aware of your priorities with tangible reminders.

    That might mean a picture of your kids on your desk to remind you to be home for dinner. Or an inspirational quote you hang on your wall.

    For example, next to my bedroom door, I have a quote by Henry David Thoreau that says, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.”

    2. Take your vacation.

    There’s an alarming trend in Western culture (particularly in North America) where an increasing number of employees don’t use all their vacation days. I get it. Sometimes taking time off can feel like it adds more stress and work to life.

    But holidays are important opportunities to recharge and spend quality time with loved ones. Check out Forbes’ “How to Take a Stress-Free Vacation From Your Stress Job” for some helpful tips.

    3. Mind your “mibs” (the “moments in between”).

    Whether it’s stressing about an urgent deadline or brooding about an argument you had with a friend last week, it’s easy to live in your head instead of being present in the moment.

    Take time every couple hours to focus on your breathing or to make a mental note of five things you can hear, smell, or see in your immediate surroundings. Ground yourself in the moment to appreciate the little things around you.

    4. Set boundaries.

    In the age of emails and smartphones, the line between work and home life is a blurry one.

    It takes strictly enforced rules and discipline to keep your boss’ texts away from the dinner table or your upcoming presentation from encroaching on Monopoly night. Carve out regular gadget-free times and stick to them.

    5. Switch off the TV.

    Balance isn’t always a tension between work and home. It’s also about how we spend our leisure time.

    Don’t let the world pass you by as you watch re-runs of The Big Bang Theory. Enforce screen-free nights and get outside. Nobody on their deathbed ever wished they spent more time in front of the boob tube.

    6. Choose fear over regret.

    This one may seem odd, but bear with me. For as long as I can remember, I had a personal policy: when confronted with a choice between fear and regret, always choose fear.

    Yes, that white water rafting trip seems terrifying. But if I don’t go, will I regret it? Yes? Then hand me that paddle. Will I kick myself for not asking that woman out on a date? Yes? Time to steel those nerves and take a chance.

    Fear is fleeting. Regret is sticky. Choose to face fear.

    7. Let go of grudges.

    Life’s too short to hang onto old hurts. As Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

    Many people live with the regret of not mending fences with a loved one while they had the chance. Extend an olive branch with an email or coffee date invitation.

    8. Find time for hobbies.

    Always wanted to write a book or do more camping? Don’t wait until retirement. Start now.

    Find an activity that you do just for you and nurture it. No agenda. No purpose beyond having fun. Give yourself permission to engage in a fulfilling pastime.

    9. Be clear.

    Spend more time with my family. Have a healthier lifestyle. Achieve better work-life balance.

    Don’t be satisfied with vague goals. Get down to the nuts and bolts of your ambitions with clear, actionable plans.

    Thursday—movie night with the kids; Monday, Wednesday, Friday—go for a run; June 5-12—vacation. Be specific. Make a list of activities and add them to your calendar.

    10. Start an “I’ve Never” Club.

    As the late great Dr. Seuss penned, “If you never have, you should. These things are fun and fun is good.”

    One way to seize the day is to formalize it. Start a mini social club with a few friends where you try something new every week. Send out a list of ideas, vote on a favourite, get together, and do it!

    Take a cooking class, geocache, hike a new trail, try a new board game, go to a karaoke bar—the possibilities are endless.

    By all means plan and hope for a bright and awesome future. But don’t forget to embrace life along the way.

    As my experience with cancer showed me—and the road to Regina reminded me—life is full of unexpected twists and turns. So memento mordi, carpe diem. Remember you will die, so seize the day.

    Seize the day image via Shutterstock

  • What Causes You More Sorrow Than Joy

    What Causes You More Sorrow Than Joy

    Opposite Direction

  • Never Lose Yourself

    Never Lose Yourself

    Never Lose Yourself

  • How Non-Attachment Can Benefit Your Relationship

    How Non-Attachment Can Benefit Your Relationship

    “You only lose what you cling to.” ~Buddha

    I remember one of my first mindfulness classes that pertained to impermanence. I went home in a bit of a slump.

    Nothing is permanent; everything ends; “This too shall pass.” It was quite a shock to the system.

    After getting over what, on a surface level, seemed to be incredibly dire, I realized that this could be incredibly liberating.

    Enter the principle of non-attachment, a notion that has the potential to aid in the evolving nature of day-to-day life.

    Rather than clinging to things—relationships, jobs, material goods—hoping that they will last forever, or being fearful that the uncomfortable parts of our lives will never change, we learn to deal with the moments as they arise.

    There is power in knowing that our moments can, and will, inevitably shift.

    Knowing the good won’t last forever gives us permission to embrace the moment fully without clinging or depending on it.

    Acknowledging that the bad won’t last forever gives us strength to move forward instead of being caught up in helplessness and insight to make shifts and changes if need be.

    Impermanence is a blessing in disguise. And non-attachment is the only way to truly forgive and love another person.

    Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? How can non-attachment possibly lead to a happy, fulfilled relationship?

    Here’s how.

    In my last relationship, I prided myself on being honest and open. I didn’t want to play games, because that’s not the sort of person I am, nor the sort of man I wanted to attract into my life.

    I wanted a guarantee that he would stick around and that our relationship was progressing. I wanted to know that he wasn’t going to just disappear from my life, a dialogue from my past that prickled at my defense mechanisms and inevitably pushed him away, too.

    This made me fearful and scared, and I shut down intermittently. This invisible pressure burdened both of us.

    The hard truth is that there are no guarantees.

    Of course, there were other factors in our relationship. The point here is that there was also an unhealthy attachment present; I became dependent on him, and I clung.

    I was like a child who was holding onto a baby animal, who was so scared of it running away that I held it tightly, suffocating it.

    Non-attachment means that you are able to live your life outside of the other person; it ultimately takes pressure off and allows you to be without depending on anything or anyone to feed your soul.

    Clinging onto things—relationships, jobs, materials goods—simply does not make sense considering their evolving nature.

    These things add to your life, but they are not your life. You’re all that’s guaranteed, and even you grow and change, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

    This doesn’t mean that past lessons or past behaviors can’t or won’t guide your present actions or that future goals aren’t important. Instead, it means that you can live out your moments naturally and organically, with appreciation and/or awareness, because you aren’t leaning on something that might change or shift.

    Non-attachment in relationships is not indifference or apathy to another person. It’s an absence of fear. Fear and clinginess come from a sense of impending loss.

    However, if we go into a relationship or exist in a relationship already knowing that things may change or shift (for better or worse), we rid ourselves of pressure and burdening expectations. We can approach the relationship and issues with an open heart and simply see what unfolds naturally.

    Relinquishing (some) control is scary, but not impossible.

    This is not to be confused with blind acceptance of things that aren’t satisfying.

    Existing in the unattached present moment acknowledges what is actually happening now and gives us the power and capacity to shift or change a situation, which is also applicable to a relationship that isn’t what you want, need, or deserve.

    I know many couples who are staying together, even if it hasn’t been working for years and years, because it was “so good long ago.”

    I’m an advocate for working through things, but ultimately, the present is all that is relevant.

    As far as relationships go, I was once told that some people you simply get for a season, some people appear in your life intermittently, and some people stay around for longer and forever, if you’re lucky.

    The catch is that you ultimately don’t know which category the person you’re dating or in a relationship with is or will be in, and red flags aside, there is no way to know.

    However, being unattached, open, and aware is a key ingredient to experiencing a relationship organically and observing what may unfold.

  • Breaking the Pattern of Painful, Unhealthy Relationships

    Breaking the Pattern of Painful, Unhealthy Relationships

    Torn Paper

    “Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.” ~Byron Katie

    As I was listening to other women talking in my support group for battered women, I had a life changing moment.

    I caught a glimpse of myself and where I was at in life. It was a defining moment that turned around how I felt about myself and changed the cycle of my relationship with men.

    “I played a role in my abusive marriage; my ex-husband was treating me how I was treating myself.”

    His anger and how he showed it belonged to him; we are never responsible for someone else’s behavior and how they treat us, ever. However, we are responsible for how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. At the time, I didn’t really love myself.

    My confidence was non-existent. And I thought I deserved to be treated this way. I had a belief that life was meant to be suffered. I know, nuts!

    So, as I was sitting there in the support group, I realized how I had given my power away to someone else and that I had to take responsibility for neglecting myself.

    I didn’t put blame on myself to feel guilty. I owned up to my part in this whole situation. I looked in the mirror and got real honest so I could change this crazy pattern.

    If I had stayed in the victim role, I would have continually attracted the same kind of guy, who in reality would just be reflecting back what I felt about myself.

    Not at all what I wanted anymore, that was clear.

    It was time to break the pattern, and break the pattern I did.

    I started to really take care of my needs.

    I gave myself the love that I was looking for, the attention I was craving, and permission to feel happy and have an awesome life.

    It didn’t happen overnight, and it’s been quite the journey, but it amazes me that since I’ve raised the bar, the people that show up in my life are on a much higher level.

    It’s a situation no one should be in. The first step is getting out and getting help. And know the cycle can be broken.

    Breaking The Pattern of Unhealthy Relationships

    1. Practice self-love.

    I can’t say this enough. At the time the concept of self-love was foreign to me. Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life awakened me.

    I was looking for love in outside places, wanting others to validate that yes, I could be loved. When I started giving myself what I was craving, I gained more confidence, got clearer on what I wanted, and started treating myself with respect.

    Pay attention to your internal dialogue about yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say “I love you.” Believe it. Really embody how you want to feel right now.

    2. Change your mindset.

    There’s no going around it, what you think will become your reality.

    We all picked up beliefs from well-intentioned people around us while growing up, and they form most of our internal dialogue. Some of these beliefs might serve us, but some might be quite detrimental.

    Take an inventory of the top negative beliefs that you have on repeat in your mind. Then re-write these beliefs in a positive way and create a plan to act on them.

    This is about more than just saying affirmations; it’s about being consistent, setting your intention, and taking action.

    Example: Old belief: I’m not good enough, and I can’t be happy.

    New belief: I am good enough, and happiness is my birthright.

    After flipping your negative belief, say the new belief with emotion, and write it down and display it in places where you’ll see it regularly.

    Next, visualize what being good enough means to you. How does it make you feel? Have a clear image.

    Lastly, take action. How does a person who is good enough act? Act as that person now, and aim to do this consistently.

    3. Look for the lesson in everything so that you can heal and move on.

    We’ve all had experiences where the same thing keeps happening over and over with different people and situations. That’s a message that something needs to be done on our part.

    Once the lesson is learned we can break the pattern.

    4. Know what you want.

    In a nutshell, don’t settle—period! What is it you want? What qualities are you looking for? How do you want to be treated? Want to know what the trick is to actually get it? Be all of those things. Others are mirrors to us.

    5. Own it.

    The best way to make any change is to take responsibility for where your life is right now, owning it so you can improve it on your terms. When we do this, we go from waiting for change to happen to starting with ourselves, because that’s where any real change can ever take place.

    We’re back in the driver’s seat, creating our life, versus reacting to life situations.

    6. Receive.

    I did attract lots of nice guys too, but I would break up with them or find them too boring. Now I see I wasn’t comfortable with someone treating me kindly and with respect. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to receive this kind of love because I couldn’t give it to myself.

    Once you start giving it to yourself, you too will be able to receive it.

    The most important relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves. Making this a priority doesn’t take anything away but just adds more happiness and confidence to our lives.

    Torn paper image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Feeling Like You’re Not Good Enough

    How to Stop Feeling Like You’re Not Good Enough

    Woman Smiling

    “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” ~Brene Brown

    I’ve always had a temper for as long as I can remember. It would show up at the most innocuous times—when playing a board game with my family, at the dinner table, or sometimes right in the middle of a shopping mall.

    At the time I had no idea why I would get so frustrated, so red-in-the-face with pure rage and an intense feeling of absolute helplessness. Even more puzzling was the triggers to these episodes.

    Usually it involved losing at something as trivial as Trivial Pursuit. Sometimes it was because I was struggling to get my point across and felt dismissed. Other times it could be out of pure jealousy of something or somebody.

    The victims of my ire would be widespread and varied, from my dear sweet elderly grandmother, to my passive cool dude of an elder brother, and many family members, teachers, and friends in between.

    It wasn’t until years later that I began to realize that all these events and triggers had something in common: I didn’t feel good enough.

    Let me give you a shining example that I hope you can relate to.

    I was fourteen years old and in my art class, fooling around as usual. (I later came to realize that was another modus operandi to get attention and distract people from my perceived flaws and real feelings. In later life I even made a successful career as a professional stand-up comedian out of it!)

    We were making the classic piece of art every kid in every school at some time make—sticking macaroni to paper using glue. Yes, it wasn’t exactly Jackson Pollock or Andy Warhol, but I was told it was art all the same.

    The teacher was like a lot of teachers I had, complimentary of the kids she liked, dismissive and frustrated with the ones that challenged her. Guess which category I fell into?

    I empathized with my teacher, as it was easy to get frustrated with me. I could be belligerent, defensive, grumpy, and sometimes downright offensive. However, I never knew why.

    On this particular afternoon, I decided it would be fun to place the macaroni on the paper, but not actually use any glue. When it was my turn to stand up and show my work, the result would be a macaroni tsunami of epic proportions!

    Yes, the kids laughed and I was the clown, the jester, the hero—for a while. Then I became the laughing stock as the teacher berated me for not following instructions. Now I felt angry! From the comedian swept away in adulation to the scolded victim seething with bitterness in less than five seconds!

    I vowed to fail every art class I attended, to make every class difficult for the teacher, to show her she was wrong to dare challenge me.

    The thing is, I was only hurting myself. This is where I learned the idea of projection. I thought I was attacking the teacher, but in reality I was attacking myself.

    It took many years of work, struggle, upset, despair, and hope to get to where I am today. Here’s what I learned to be true: to understand why I was behaving this way, I had to look at when I first experienced trauma.

    Nobody gets out of childhood unscathed. There is no such thing as a “normal upbringing.” We can suffer large scale events that are memorably traumatic, or smaller, more frequent events that are less memorable but no less damaging. I fell into the latter category.

    What I learned is that my mother never really listened to me. She was just too busy. Too busy working nights as a nurse, too busy trying to pay bills, too busy cooking, clothing, and feeding us.

    It really must have been hard for her. At the time I never realized this—of course, which kid does! Now I know that she did her best. She is innocent. I believe every parent is, despite the damage they cause.

    In fact, I realized we are all innocent, and no human being ever sets out to hurt anyone. Our circumstances and experiences make us this way.

    By not being listened to I was denied love, attention, and care. It was a form of subtle neglect. I also learned that when we experience such feelings (that let’s face it, aren’t very nice!) we find ways to cut them off and stop them happening again.

    We do this by deflection. Shutting down, running away, or getting angry are all great deflection techniques that work—for a while. Getting angry was a convenient way of hiding my real feelings. Hiding what pain I was experiencing inside. Hiding the trauma I’d suffered.

    I also learned that humor is another defense mechanism that works well for hiding from the truth. However, like anger, it only serves us for so long. Eventually you can’t operate like that anymore. It simply takes too much energy, costs too many relationships, and feels too painful.

    Now I follow these simple (but not always easy!) rules to help me overcome my struggles:

    1. Recognize triggers.

    When we are triggered, our limbic brain (emotional brain) gets first bite at the trigger. I now know that if I can get past this part of the process, I’ll be fine.

    One technique I’ve learned is to simply excuse myself from any given situation, take stock, and ask myself a few questions.

    These are: What’s the trigger, and what is it triggering? What am I feeling here, and can I allow myself to feel it, understand it, and soothe it? Finally, what’s the truth? Often our emotional brain tells us lies!

    What kind of things trigger you to feel not good enough? Minor rejections? Being around people who seem to have achieved more than you? Receiving unsolicited advice? Recognizing your triggers is the key to taking back your power.

    2. Revisit the situation.

    One of the best ways to bypass and overcome our emotional brain is to revisit what’s making us emotional. Your emotional brain will calm down when forced to see things again in a different light.

    Here’s where you can revisit the situation and calmly and rationally explain how you really feel. This is where you get to be vulnerable and communicate what’s going on for you. The aim here is to be met with empathy.

    The first step is to practice by yourself in the mirror beforehand. So, in a highly charged or triggered situation, immediately take yourself out of harm’s way (for example, make an excuse to visit the bathroom).

    Next, take a few slow, deep breaths, calmly and rationally explaining how you really feel about the situation to yourself in front of a mirror. You can do this out loud (privacy and confidence permitting) or in your head.

    The great thing about this step is the empowerment you’ll feel. By looking inward at yourself and talking to yourself, you learn so much about what’s going on for you.

    If you are still feeling charged, simply repeat the process above again, but a little slower this time and with more feeling.

    When you are ready, take yourself back to the person who triggered you and repeat the process above in front of them. Again, the aim here is to be met with empathy. And because you’ve just practiced this speech and now are more confident and calm, your chances of success will increase dramatically!

    3. Be thankful to your trigger.

    When I’ve gotten the empathy I need, when I’ve been listened to, I’ll thank the person who triggered me. After all, they are never the problem, the trigger is. I’ll acknowledge them and, circumstances permitting, give them an embrace—or at least a smile—with lots of eye contact.

    Here’s where you get to spread your love for yourself onto others. By working on your part of the relationship, you can acknowledge another human being for being understanding, patient, and present for you.

    It’s difficult for people to be vulnerable and show empathy. We’re usually conditioned not to do this through our experiences. So make this step an important one and recognize other people’s bravery. They’ll not forget that in a hurry!

    4. Now forgive yourself!

    Finally, forgive yourself and congratulate yourself for having flaws, for not being perfect, for being simply human. It’s your way of making shame ashamed of itself for ever showing up.

    You see, shame makes us feel not good enough. But the truth is that our greatest fear isn’t being not good enough, it’s actually that we might just be powerful, wonderful, and capable of anything we put our minds to.

    Today, believe what is true. You are an amazing, wonderful, and powerful human being who the planet is lucky to have walking on it.

    Woman smiling image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Life-Changing Lessons for People Who Struggle with Anxiety

    4 Life-Changing Lessons for People Who Struggle with Anxiety

    Peaceful Man

    “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” ~Epictetus

    Sweaty. Hot. Shallow breathing.

    Thoughts barreled through my mind like a never-ending freight train. I couldn’t keep up. It was everything all at once, blurred into nothing in particular.

    I felt like I was about to jump off a cliff, nervous anticipation building into panic. My head was spinning. My hands trembled.

    Choking down a gulp, I forced the tears back that wanted to cascade down my cheeks in sobs. There would be time for that later. This wasn’t the place.

    My heart raced. I was on edge. I was on the edge.

    I’d catch glimpses of my thoughts as they rumbled through my brain.

    Impending foreclosure on our old house. The psychiatric hospital I had been to six months ago. Bankruptcy paperwork that still needed finished.

    The kids trying to make friends at their new schools. My wife playing with the budget for hours to make ends meet. Me falling asleep in my car left running in the closed garage.

    I was at work. I was having a severe panic attack. And I had to go home.

    Luckily, most of my anxiety attacks aren’t this severe. And thankfully, they don’t happen too often any more. Happily, this attack, which came out of nowhere and hit hard, disappeared as quickly as it came on.

    The longer I deal with and work to manage my anxiety, the more I find I can learn from it. This in turn helps me cope better the next time anxiety comes along.

    Here are some things I’ve learned about anxiety through my years of dealing with it:

    1. Anxiety is a lie.

    No matter how close to home anxiety hits, there is always a lie hiding in it somewhere.

    Maybe it’s based on a false belief. Maybe the problem doesn’t have to be dealt with as immediately as it feels. Maybe there are options we haven’t considered.

    But anxiety always—always—contains a lie. It might be big and in our face or it could be small, tricky and subtle. Look hard enough and we will uncover it.

    One of the most powerful tools I’ve gained through working with a therapist on anxiety is learning to look for the lie. It’s difficult at first; we have to sit with our anxiety and pick through it a little bit at a time, and that’s certainly not a comfortable thing to do, but if we’re careful and patient we can find the lie. Finding the lie takes the teeth out of the anxiety.

    And when we take the teeth away from anxiety, we can really begin to free ourselves. Anxiety needs a hook; it needs something to gnaw at us to keep it forward in our minds. By finding the lie and taking that hook away, we take away anxiety’s power over us.

    2. “Should” should be a four-letter word.

    Unreasonable expectations are, for me, at least, one of the biggest causes of anxiety. Some of the expectations I still struggle with are patterns of thinking that I can trace back to when I was a child. Because they’re so deeply engrained, they’re some of the toughest to get rid of.

    When I was a kid, I was pretty smart. Things came easily to me. I learned quickly.

    My parents, meaning to encourage me, told me I could do anything I wanted. And I believed them. And I started to expect anything I wanted out of myself.

    When you’re a kid, you can get away with that. If I wanted to do something, I’d learn it and do it, end of story. As an adult, things became more complicated.

    We can’t just want a particular job and make it happen. There are too many outside circumstances and other people involved. I should do that particular job isn’t just something that happens when you put your mind to it.

    When we start thinking about how we should be, we can really get ourselves into a trap. We should be this to that person and this when we do that—we’re just continually setting ourselves up to fail. “Should” doesn’t allow for any wiggle-room or compromise.

    “Should” can hurt us in other ways too.

    3. “Perfect” should be a four-letter word, too.

    I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so for me, being good at something isn’t good enough. I should be perfect, dammit! Please tell me you caught the “should” in that statement, right?

    Perfectionism is my old reliable. My trusty friend. My almighty hammer.

    The expectations that come from perfectionism can bury us alive. It’s a never-ending race that we’re never going to win.

    No matter how much I want to, I will never be the perfect husband, father, or son. The amount of anxiety I have felt in my forty-two years of life trying to be one of these three things is immeasurable. Think about how much time I’ve wasted worrying about being something I could never be.

    Perfect is such a damaging expectation, in any respect. When “good” or “just okay” will suffice in most situations, why do we torture ourselves chasing an impossible ideal?

    The truth is, when perfectionists start settling for “good” is when we really start to shine. We’re unencumbered by the restraint of high expectation and that allows us to work to really high levels—levels we’ve probably been failing to hit in the past.

    Anxiety comes about when we place these unattainable, perfect goals in front of ourselves. And our failures, which we will most certainly encounter, only serve to push us harder after our goals. Perfectionism becomes a never-ending cycle of anxiety and failure that we need to let go of.

    4. Anxiety is an ultimatum.

    The last lesson I’m taking away from this recent panic attack is this: anxiety always makes you an ultimatum. All or nothing. Black or white.

    There is no gray area when it comes to anxiety. Now don’t get me wrong, anxiety will hide in the subtleties of our doubts, but it will force us into taking a black and white view of ourselves, our situation, or our surroundings. Anxiety leads us to think that we’ve got only one choice to make.

    In my panic attack, I got overwhelmed by several different situations I’m dealing with right now. I am facing foreclosure on the house I’ve just moved out of. I am in the process of filing for bankruptcy.

    My kids are having to adjust to being the new kids at their schools since we’ve moved. We do have to be careful with our money right now. I am scared that I will have to go back to the psychiatric hospital again—or worse.

    But my anxiety attack turned all of these things into ultimatums for me. I felt like I had to resolve all of these issues at once (and immediately!) or the world would end. The fear I felt was so strong I was unable to think these problems through rationally.

    Once I did get home from work, I cried myself to sleep. Waking up, I could feel that the fear had left me. I was able to look at myself, the anxiety attack, and my problems in a clear-headed manner.

    What I saw was man suffering from anxiety, having been hit, but not harmed, by severe panic. I saw a man that was regaining his composure, a man who was moving on. I saw a man who was stronger for what he had just been through.

    Peaceful man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Rekindle Your Passion for What You Do

    How to Rekindle Your Passion for What You Do

    “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent van Gogh

    I rolled my eyes when a new set of emails popped up in my inbox. Will the messages ever stop? I remember the early days of the Internet, when it was actually a thrill to receive a new message.

    What used to be exciting had become not only boring, but downright annoying.

    That’s when I realized that what I considered my “treasures” had become burdens over time.

    And while it wasn’t a big deal to see my old favorite pair of jeans in the donation pile, I became terrified when one day I woke up and, instead of feeling energized by what I do, I felt dread.

    There were more than thirty items on my to-do list.

    My passion had turned into an endless stream of tasks. My inspiration was at peril, and I couldn’t let that happen.

    Here are the five steps I followed to rekindle the passion for what I do. This process worked for me, and it might work for you, too.

    1. Take a break.

    Although it may seem that your busy schedule doesn’t leave room for a break, it is possible to fit in a few hours, days, or even a couple of weeks off if you really want to.

    Think about past situations when you had to take time off because of illness or a family emergency. Somehow you were able to manage. Treat your break as a top priority so you can make it happen.

    Your break shouldn’t be an escape from your dreadful day-to-day activities, but the opportunity to get a fresh perspective of where you are and where you want to be.

    Now, I make sure to schedule twenty-minute breaks throughout the day, and I reserve one day a week for a day outing or a fun get-together with friends. My best ideas come to me right after taking time off!

    2. Go back in time.

    During your break, bring yourself back to the beginning of your current business or occupation.

    What used to excite you the most?

    What did you want to learn?

    What kind of future did you envision?

    What new experiences did you have and what did you learn from these experiences?

    When I answered the questions above, I realized that my busyness had taken me away from doing what I love most: inspiring others.

    3. Figure out what’s different now.

    Now it’s time to return to the present and compare your current situation to those first exhilarating days doing what you do.

    If you feel as though motivation has left you, it’s likely that you can relate to one of the following:

    • What used to be a new skill or a challenge has become something you could do in your sleep.
    • Your responsibilities have multiplied, and you find yourself overwhelmed with endless tasks.
    • You did a reality check, and concluded that you’re not likely to attain your previous, ambitious goals.
    • You’re not learning anymore, just doing the same thing over and over again.
    • Your interests or values have changed, and what you’re doing isn’t a good match anymore.

    Doing this exercise helped me realize that feeling overwhelmed was killing my inspiration.

    When you determine what is different now, you’ll have the clarity you need to move on to the next step in the process.

    4. Introduce changes.

    Complaining, feeling sorry for yourself, hoping to someday get rid of your business, or counting the days until you retire so you can finally do something you love are not choices that will lead to a happy and fulfilled life.

    You know what you want.

    You know what is missing.

    Now you must take action.

    You could delegate mundane tasks so that you could fully utilize your strongest skills.

    You could learn a new skill to help you advance toward your highest, original goals.

    You could find a mentor who’s been where you are and who would provide expert guidance as you make changes.

    You could find a supportive community of like-minded colleagues to brainstorm exciting ideas and meet new people.

    You could add new products or services to your business or switch to a new occupation that matches your current values and interests.

    I decided to outsource a few of my time-consuming, menial tasks and set aside more time to write, a source of personal joy and my favorite way to inspire those around me.

    Now, it’s your turn: Choose action steps that tackle whatever is bringing dissatisfaction into your life and killing your passion.

    Especially at the beginning, implementing any of these changes will feel uncomfortable, but the initial discomfort will be replaced with a sense of excitement and rekindled passion.

    5. Schedule your next break.

    Fuel the passion for what you do by scheduling regular checkpoints where you’ll take a step back and plan new changes if necessary.

    In time, you’ll experience a steady feeling of satisfaction and wellbeing. You’ll get out of bed every morning knowing you’re making a difference and following your passion!

    What changes are you planning to make so that you can rekindle the passion for what you do?

  • How to Stop Taking on Other People’s Fears and Live Freely

    How to Stop Taking on Other People’s Fears and Live Freely

    Jumping Girl

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    You wake up in the morning, it is sunny outside, and you are grateful for this brand new day. You are enthusiastic to get it started. You take a deep breath and go outside; then you see some gum in your street.

    Will you pick it up and stick it to your T-shirt, or maybe even have a little taste of it? Of course not!

    Please excuse the gross opening, but bear with me for a second.

    So many of us have done something just like that, energetically, myself included.

    I still remember an afternoon about three years ago. After work, I was on a high after watching a self-development video on the importance of going after our dreams, and in order to do so, we must conquer our fears first.

    So there I was, sitting on a bench by the River Thames, following the instruction, writing about my fears about becoming an intuitive guide.

    The first one popped up immediately: uncertainty!

    “Alright, let me see how I can conquer it!” I devoted myself to doing the inner-work over the next three weeks.

    Except, there was no progress, no breakthrough, nor much “conquering” going on. When I thought about leaving the corporate world behind and creating a business based on my true expression, I was still paralyzed.

    I was disappointed. It felt like that I was running around in circles and getting nowhere.

    Fortunately, my intuition visited me in my dream on one of those frustrating late nights.

    In my dream, I saw so many people shouting at me: “How are you going to deal with uncertainty? Isn’t it too risky? What if you are going to lose everything that you’ve built for years?”

    The images and voices were from my concerned family members, from my curious colleagues, from my cautious (perhaps overly) friends.

    But none of them actually were mine!

    Here is the thing: I only see uncertainty as opportunity and wonder. This was not what I was afraid of.

    I woke up with such a refreshing mindset the next morning. “I cannot deal with fear that doesn’t belong to me. No matter how much I look at it, look around it, look beneath it, it was not my fear.”

    Carl Jung said, “When the diagnosis is right, the healing begins.” But I got the wrong diagnosis, no wonder why I could not move forward.

    I am classified as a “highly sensitive.”

    On one hand, I relied on my intuitive side to see the beauty and gifts in people; on the other hand, the shadow side was that I also felt their fears and pains, so vividly at times that I thought they were my own.

    I was carrying on other people’s expectations and opinions, and allowed them to blind me so that I wasn’t able to see what was really going on.

    And I am not the only one. As social beings, we are all influenced by our immediate environment to various degrees.

    Do you know how much fear and anxiety you might have absorbed from others and now keep in your psyche on a daily basis?

    You might not even be aware of it but end up internalizing it over time.

    Day after day and year after year, gradually you came to believe that they were your own fears.

    Just like you cannot take responsibility for someone else’s actions, you cannot do much about those imposed fears other than lovingly release them.

    But firstly, how do you know if you take on others’ fears and emotions easily and unconsciously? Here are a few signs:

    You have a tendency to say yes on spot but then quickly regret it.

    Chances are you’ve absorbed the other person’s anxiety about you saying no. Your decision is dictated by how others feel, not your own well-being.

    But once you look into the situation, you realize that you don’t have the resources to deliver your promise. You become resentful toward your good intention earlier.

    You feel drained and depleted easily.

    It doesn’t always take a full-on party with hundreds of people; at times you are exhausted by just browsing your social media feeds for thirty minutes.

    You are happy when your feeds are full of joyful updates, but miserable when your feeds are full of misery. You unconsciously take on what your virtual circles experience, without a healthy filter to protect your own energy.

    You often feel unsettled out of the blue.

    You don’t really know why; only later on you’ve learned that something unpleasant happened in your environment such as a redundancy or burglary nearby.

    Or like myself earlier, you want to move forward, and you have been doing everything that you were told to do, but things just don’t work.

    By the way, it is not your fault if you said yes to any of the above.

    The truth is, we cannot live freely unless we actively release fears and emotions that do not belong to us.

    So how can you release those imposed fears or even prevent them in the first place?

    1. Develop a sovereign habit before your day kicks in.

    Before you rush to browse your inbox or social media profile every morning, meditate for a few minutes and check in with yourself. “How do I feel? What do I want today?”

    This way, you will set a clear intention that serves your spirit instead of being dragged away by some unimportant noises even before your day gets started.

    2. Sleep only with your own energy every night.

    Always finish your day with good vibes.

    Take some exercises in the evening to shake off the anxiety, pains, fears, or any other forms of “psychic rubbish” that have been dumped on you, followed by a relaxing bath.

    When you take care of your body and treat yourself gently, it’s like boosting your psyche to be more immune from negativity.

    This method has worked exceptionally well for a hospital nurse friend, helping her recover from long-term work-related depression.

    Sleep only with your own energy every night; otherwise, it’s hard to discover your most authentic self over the years.

    3. Whenever a fear pops up, discern if this is yours.

    Sit quietly with it, without any judgment, and ask it, “Are you mine? If not, whom do you belong to? Where are you coming from?”

    Then wait for the answer. If in doubt, trust what your intuition tells you.

    Once you identify the source, with your mind’s eye, send the fear back to the light and imagine yourself breathing in your own light and breathing out others’ fears.

    You can repeat this process until you there are no imposed fears that need to be released for the time being.

    Once you’ve released those absorbed fears, it’ll be like a spring clean on your energetic body, and you’ll better connect with your truest self.

    Now you are ready to see the deeper truth and live more freely.

    Once you peel off the “fear onion” layer by layer, the “real deal” will start to reveal itself.

    By “real deal,” I mean your truth.

    Have an intimate conversation with it.

    You can start it like this: “Dear Truth, what would you like me to know at this point of life?”

    The answer might surprise you, or you might feel uncomfortable to acknowledge it at first.

    But it will reveal something that you can take responsibility for so that you can shift your reality, no matter where you are in life.

    Don’t be alarmed or run away.

    No matter what your answer is, it will push you closer to your purpose.

    Back to my story earlier, beneath everyone else’s voice of “insecurity,” which I didn’t resonate with, what I was really suppressing was the sadness of letting my old self go.

    I had worked so hard to build a brand new life in a foreign country on my own, but I didn’t even acknowledge my effort, sacrifice, or growth.

    My old self was asking for love and witness, which had been absent for over a decade.

    That was it!

    I put aside the embarrassment of feeling my raw emotions for a change, and immersed myself into days of journaling, healing, (a lot) of crying, and (even more) praying.

    It was fantastically liberating and nourishing, and way more effective than affirming: “I must conquer uncertainty” a thousand times.

    As for the end of that story, I left the corporate world and launched my dream business in record time: one month.

    After releasing those imposed fears by others, I saw my organic truth, and honoring it set me free.

    When you feel the fear but really cannot do it, stop trying to “conquer” it, play with it!

    It will play back and reveal the hidden truth that you need to know.

    And this is how you can take leaps and bounds with grace.

    Jumping girl image via Shutterstock

  • No Storm Can Last Forever

    No Storm Can Last Forever

    No Storm Can Last Forever

  • 4 Mistakes That Are Built into Your Brain

    4 Mistakes That Are Built into Your Brain

    Thinking Brain

    “Cognitive bias is the biggest self-imposed obstacle to progress, not only for oneself but in the end, for all mankind.” ~Unknown

    On a beautiful Pittsburgh morning in 1995, McArthur Wheeler decided to rob a bank. Not just one bank, but two. McArthur had a secret plan, one that he thought would make him exceptionally successful. It involved something very sour, a lemon.

    McArthur had just recently discovered the “invisible ink,” a substance commonly used in elementary science class. Lemon juice, when used as ink on paper and dried, only appears visible when heated. Unfortunately for McArthur, his ingenious plan involved covering his face in lemon juice and then robbing two banks.

    The fact that his face was not made of paper didn’t discourage McArthur from employing his reasoning that some lemon juice on his face would make him invisible to all the surveillance cameras.

    Unsurprisingly, several hours after the two robberies McArthur was in custody. To his astonishment his plan was unsuccessful. He even objected to detectives, “But I wore the juice.”

    Although most of us have never been this ignorant, our lives are still full of examples of ignorance. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, some mistakes just never go away.

    I have personally struggled with my own mistakes throughout my life. Not because I am scared of them, but rather because I seem to keep encountering the same problems. How can I make the same mistake over and over again? Am I just stupid? Why don’t I see other people making the same mistakes?

    We all know that we need to approach these errors as learning opportunities, but that is much easier said than done.

    The truth is that some of these mistakes are built into our brains. We are programmed by birth to make cognitive shortcuts. These are quick jumps in our thinking that often leave us making poor judgments and even worse, faulty decisions.

    Let me explain.

    Our brains are remarkably wondrous things that have evolved for one simple reason—survival. They have morphed into supercomputers that can take the unending sea of information in the world and make it simple. To be conscious of even a small percentage of all the information that our brains take in would be blinding.

    Instead, our brains take in everything and only stream the information that fits within our model of the world. This is referred to as “mental accounting.” A good accountant doesn’t bore you with every detail of the process, but rather gives you the final product, which you care about. Our brains work the same.

    Why Are We Always Right and Everyone Else Is Wrong

    Have you ever had an argument with someone so frustrating you wanted to smash your head on the wall? Other people’s biases are always ripe for judgment, but rarely do we afford ourselves with the same pleasure. The brain is biased toward protecting our own beliefs and avoiding contradictory information.

    If your beliefs are like a house, you must support your structure. You can’t go digging around the foundation looking for inconsistencies or contradictory beliefs. We have a vested interest in ignorance, which makes us naturally resistant to seeing our mistakes. Instead, we often try to justify our decisions and prove to others they are wrong.

    Seeing Your Mistakes Is a Recipe for Growth and Clarity

    Acknowledging your mistakes is a powerful method for seeing how easily we are influenced and biased. Looking at our decisions will provide clarity and create compassion for others around us.

    Today we’re going to look at four mistakes we make in our daily living. These are wired into us; if you look hard enough you’ll see them everywhere.

    Confirmation Bias – Why We Always Need To Be Right

    Last week I was arguing with my girlfriend about something that I later realized was trivial and inconsequential. We had both entrenched ourselves in our opinions on the matter, and before we knew it we were shooting off a list of examples and reasons why the other party was wrong and we were both right.

    This is the bias that makes arguing with people really annoying. Why? Because most people think they know what they are talking about. The problem is you also think you know what you are talking about.

    So what usually happens when you encounter this dilemma? Naturally, the next logical step is assuming that they are either a) unfair/stupid/biased/illogical, or b) purposely being stubborn.

    How can they not see the clear, impeccable logic of my argument and see that I am clearly correct?!

    This is a slippery slope, and chances are both of you are suffering from the confirmation bias. We look for confirmation of our beliefs/philosophy or opinion in any context or situation. We find scenarios that support it and then stick to those, regardless of how terrible our argument may be.

    Calling someone “closed minded” would be a manifestation of the confirmation bias. The confirmation bias is so fundamental to your development and your reality. We look for evidence that supports our beliefs and opinions about the world, but excludes those that run contrary to our own. Confirmation bias is the support structure that holds our beliefs into place.

    You find examples of what you want to believe and ignore those that don’t fit.

    Sunk Cost Fallacy – Why You Just Can’t Give Up on Things You Should Give Up On

    When I was younger I got myself stuck in a long five-year relationship that I knew deep down was an absolute waste of time. We were not right for each other and on two totally different trajectories in life, but I still persisted. I kept thinking we had already spent so much time together, how could I possibly quit now?

    This is the sunk cost fallacy, when we use past decisions to justify irrational current decisions. Basically, we justify putting more time/effort/money into something because we have done so in the past, despite the fact that evidence indicates continuing the decision will outweigh future rewards.

    Sound familiar? We can see it everywhere. From business to our love lives none of us are safe from this pervasive little mistake. Sunk cost isn’t just a hyper persistent behavior, but rather persistence in the face of certain overwhelming evidence of potential future failure.

    Money isn’t the sole factor that can escalate levels of commitment. Any form of pressure may contribute to an irrational level of commitment. Social pressure or psychological pressure are also powerful escalators.

    Think of a relationship, one that you shouldn’t be in. I’m sure many of you have experienced that. How many times have you seen two people together and thought why the hell are they together? It’s pretty hard to pull the plug on something that you’ve spent so much time in, especially if you still hold an irrational hope that things will change.

    The same goes with a job that you’ve done for years. You feel hesitant and scared to try something new. You’ve already spent so much time working hard; you can’t just leave now.

    Fundamental Attribution Error – Why We Judge So Quickly

    The driver in front of me is so slow. What is he or she doing? It must be an elderly person who can’t even see over the steering wheel. You increase your speed and catch up beside them wanting to satisfy your curiosity with a glance into the passenger window. You are surprised to find a young women talking on her cell phone.

    It works like this: John is late, so therefore, John is inconsiderate and always late.

    A small observation (regardless of how inaccurate it is) leads to a wide generalization. All further judgments are fixed with that label. Assigning fixed states or characteristics due to singular events is an automatic process that we use to simply the world.

    The world is a complicated place, and the amount of sensory and social stimuli that our brains have to process is beyond our comprehension. This is the brain’s way of categorizing things, very fast and very inaccurately.

    I know you are probably thinking of how unfair this is. Fairness is not an issue when faced with our intrinsic need to create a world that is both safe and controlled.

    We want to make things understandable and safe, and consequently, easier to assign blame. Attributing failure to personality causes, as opposed to situational causes, is a wonderful way to accomplish this.

    The truth is there is no way we can understand a fraction of the events that contributed to an event occurring; most of the time it’s simply pure speculation. Believing that things are tidy and neat satisfies our need to see the world as fair and encourages the illusion that we have control.

    The fundamental attribution error is more than just judging a book by its cover; it’s represents a fundamental need to see the world as simple and easily understandable.

    Availability Heuristic – Why You Never Consider the Long Term

    I recently decided to wear a helmet while biking. I had never done this before, but after seeing a local news article about an accident I figured now would be a good time to start.

    As I get older my ability to forget things has continued to amaze me. Time spent with friends and relatives seem to blur. Annual events come by and I am left shocked, thinking that I was in the same place at the same time last year doing the same thing. It somehow feels close and yet far away at the same time.

    Our memory isn’t optimized to remember things in the past in incredible detail and clarity. We are biologically wired for the now. Our survival instincts have evolved to be hyperactive pattern detection machines that focus on the here and now.

    Our vast experience and history is not automatically factored into our decision making process, rather we weigh our judgments to the present information. This is the availability heuristic; we overly value recent events over past events.

    Good decision-making means using past experience and knowledge as a reference point for future decision-making, rather than using whatever random information you have recently encountered to form a decision. However, availability bias skips this step.

    Why is it so hard to think clearly when you are emotional?

    The answer is simple. Anything that is vivid, unusual, or packed with emotional latent material is given first class priority by our brains.

    These upgraded passengers are pretty big and may even require an extra few seats on the plane, much to the chagrin of our more rationally minded smaller passengers. Decisions made in a more rational state of mind are quickly forgotten when an emotionally charged situation arises.

    That’s why the ol’ walk around the block once and cool off trick usually works.

    Bottom Line

    These are just four of the many systemic mistakes that are built into our brains. Remember they aren’t evil or necessarily bad; in many cases they are necessary for healthy living. However, they do represent a fundamental method for simplifying the world and making it more understandable.

    I think the biggest takeaway from these four mistakes is that understanding them builds compassion. Understanding others needs to start on an individual level—understanding yourself. Knowing how easy it is to make these kinds of mistakes allows us to be more compassionate when seeing others encounter the same issues.

    What are the mistakes you find yourself constantly making? Drop a comment and let us know.

    Thinking brain image via Shutterstock

  • I Am Lovable

    I Am Lovable

    I Am Lovable