Tag: wisdom
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Holiday Love Challenge #4: Give Yourself the Gift of Peace
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10 Ways Creativity Can Completely Change Your Life
“Life is a great big canvas. Throw all the paint you can on it.” ~Danny Kaye
I’ve had those days when I felt like my life was in the doldrums. When I felt stuck in the same-old, same-old and wondered how to get a pick me up. When I wished I had more passion or purpose or maybe just a jolt of joy to shake things up.
Sometimes there were things I thought might make me happy, but I couldn’t have them just because I wanted them. Like, I couldn’t just snap my fingers and meet the man who sweeps me off my feet or become a kazillionaire.
But there is something that’s always at my (and your) fingertips. Something we always have that will instantaneously make us happy, right now in this moment.
And that is (drum roll please…) our creativity.
Creativity is not just for artists or making art. Creativity is life making. It’s anything we do that turns us on, invigorates us, or offers a simple moment of pure merriment.
For me, I love to paint and write. I knit while watching my favorite movies. I have a blast cooking and sharing my recipes. I let myself go wild in dance class.
All of us have something we enjoy doing. Or something we think we would enjoy but don’t do because the bigger, more major things in our daily lives take priority. We just don’t make the time for it.
Or we judge it as “a little hobby” (like crafting, kickball, or learning magic tricks).
Or we think it will never become something significant or important (like changing the world.)
Or we deem it as just plain silly. (Why pick up singing when we don’t even know how to stay in harmony?)
But the things we enjoy are far more important than we could ever realize and can make a significant impact on our lives.
Here are ten reasons why (and there are so many more):
1. Creativity makes us present.
Because we’re doing something we like to do, we’re engaged in the moment. Time passes in an instant ‘cause we’re just having some good ol’ fun.
When I paint, write, knit, dance, or cook it’s like active meditation. Being present with myself dials up my knob of attention and wakes me up.
Creativity stimulates us to be more mindfully in tune with our overall lives. It also calms our nervous system, decreases anxiety, and helps restore balance.
2. We better our relationships.
Simply because we enjoy doing something we love, we connect to ourselves more intimately. We develop a profound relationship with our inner selves.
The more we connect to ourselves, the more we’re able to connect to others and deepen all of our relationships. This secures healthier bonds.
And because we’re more fulfilled, the less we need others to fulfill us and the more we have to share. Our happiness expands and others feel it too and want to spend more time with us.
3. We’re playing again.
As kids we could create anything and have fun with it without worrying about what other people thought.
We could sing out loud in the car, turn a mud-pie into a monster, or let our stuffed animals have conversations. We were all free in one-way or another.
Creativity returns us to the innocence of our childhoods. And giving ourselves a break from the pressures of adult responsibility, we become lighter and increase our sense of humor as we delight in the pleasure of our amusements.
4. We’re led to new wonderful opportunities.
The current of creativity is like a river finding its sea. It always leads us to bigger waters. So even a small creative project might open us to whole new possibilities. We never know where it might lead.
On a whim I got this idea to make a board game. My friends loved to play it and soon, I was hosting game parties once a month at my house for up to thirty people. It became such a wonderful way to bring people together, a publisher picked it up and today everyone can play it.
But we don’t do it for product. We do it for pure joy and interest.
For sure with any kind of project, as our creative juices get flowing, there’s an infinite pool to draw from to keep our inventiveness growing.
5. Depression is lifted.
While doing the things we enjoy, even if it seems small or easy, the self-judgments we make (like we’re not enough, or bad, or we don’t matter) are suspended. We do it just because of the sheer delight of doing it.
It’s the permission we give to ourselves to do what we love that makes us forget we’re in the slumps. The more we engage, the more our spirits fly.
Doing something that is not demanding or to win is the antidote to any dreariness or blahs. My mood always uplifts when I’m creating something just for my own gratification.
6. It’s always new.
Every time we make stuff we’re embarking on fresh, unknown territory. Each time we begin and as we continue, we’re traversing on a new adventure.
Creativity has this awesome way of always changing things up. Even if it seems “mundane” like stirring a soup, or knitting a loop, or moving my body, it always brings a different experience.
A plus is it also initiates new perspectives.
7. We get out of our own way.
When doing something we enjoy, we’re focused on the act of doing it rather than self-ruminating. It immediately gets us out of our head.
So much of our unhappiness is bred from being fixed and consumed by our thoughts and behaviors. We tend to observe our feelings, words, and actions far too often.
But when we’re engaged creatively, we’re freed from any internal traps that say something about us, especially because it doesn’t have to be so serious.
It’s also the #1 best replacement for any addictions.
8. We become amazed by our intuition.
We may wonder what gives us pleasure when we feel stuck. But there’s always something whispering to us.
That’s the beauty of creativity. It might be telling us to take a pottery class, or sign up for a book club, or learn a new spiritual practice because it knows this will add some sparkle and enliven us.
When we listen, we realize that we’re being led by something much greater than us. The more we listen, the more astounded we are by what lives inside us.
9. We build character.
As we attend to our creativity, we feel better about ourselves. This simple act of showing up serves our self-respect and confidence.
The more we make pleasurable, creative acts a priority, the more we rejuvenate, strengthen, and grow.
Each time I sit down to write and my fingers get moving, I feel proud of myself for meeting the blank page head on.
The overall gain is a greater sense of gratitude.
10. Love begets love.
The more we cultivate what we love, the more love we accumulate. Our cup flows over.
Clearly there are days we may show up to do something we enjoy and it isn’t always enjoyable. Sometimes the cake doesn’t rise, the paint spills, or my muscles are sore. But finding creative ways to solve the problems can be fun if we continue.
When we don’t worry about how it turns out and we do it simply for the wonder of exploration, our heart expands and love abounds. And this spreads out into our entire life.
So, what’s compelling you to create? What might creativity be telling you to do because it’s sure you’ll gain from it? What if you just said yes to your freedom, fun, and happiness?
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You Are the Author of Your Life Story (So Write One You’ll Be Proud Of)
“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.” ~Unknown
I grew up without a TV in my household. While most of my friends were talking about their favorite shows, I’d pretend to understand, nod along, and try to laugh at all the appropriate times.
While I had missed out on most of the shows and movies available during my youth, I didn’t miss out on all of them.
Whenever my dad would need to work late, my mom, sister, and I would head to his office and get set up in a conference room with a rented movie. It was during one of these times that I was first exposed to the Star Wars trilogy.
For many different reasons those three movies carry so much sentimental value for many millions of fans. For me, it was never the action, science, or acting that drew me in, it was the story.
At its core, the plot of Star Wars is that a completely insignificant farmer’s nephew (so an insignificant of an insignificant) turns out to be the most important character in the story of the galaxy.
It was about someone being whisked away from the boring life they knew, and some external force thrusting them into the middle of an amazing story.
Having witnessed this as a child, that was the plan I created for my own life. It wasn’t until much later that I could articulate this reality, but it always was there.
I was living my life expecting that at any moment I would be whisked away into an exciting and meaningful existence. I was living as if I was someone very important and was just waiting for my time to come, for my adventure to begin.
Fast forward to twenty-nine years old, almost eight years as an engineer with the last three wishing I could quit my job, and my fantasy wasn’t panning out.
I was beginning to get suspicious that nobody was coming, that my great adventure, the one that I just thought I needed to wait for, wasn’t going to show up. It was then that I started to consider the reality that I would need to change my strategy.
I still wanted the adventure and the meaningful life, I was just now realizing that what I had hoped for—that it would be given to me—was less and less likely to happen.
It was then that I started to realize that I had been living my life as if I was the main character in a story someone else was writing. I didn’t know my role or my lines, but believed that I was the main character. That had to change.
The mental switch I made was to move from being the main character in someone else’s story, to the author of my own story.
If I wanted adventure, I would have to write an adventure story, and if I wanted meaning, I was going to have to write a meaningful story. That shift was incredibly empowering, but also incredibly concerning, because now I was responsible for the story.
It was no longer that someone else hadn’t started writing the life I wanted, but that each day I would be responsible for writing it.
If it wasn’t what I had hoped for, it was my doing. One problem that I immediately realized was that I’d never written a story like this before, so where was I to start? That took some introspection.
I had to outline the kind of story (life) that I wanted for myself, I had to outline the principles and values that I wanted for my main character (me), and I had to plan ahead what steps I would need to take to make progress in my story.
It also meant that many of the risks that I would need to take wouldn’t just come at me, but that I would need to orchestrate them, and willingly and knowingly move into them.
Fast-forward three years and I’m improving as a writer, at least of my own story. My main character is engaging with risk, he’s growing, and he’s learning a lot.
I don’t necessarily know what the next few chapters look like, and I have no idea what the ending will be, but I’m hopeful, because right now my story is a good one, and I like where it’s headed.
What about you? Do you feel like a character in someone else’ story, or do you feel like the author of your own?
What kind of story do you want for your life, and what are the principles and values that you hold for your main character?
Imagine at the end of this life we’ll all be comparing stories and someone will ask to see yours. When you look at what you’ve written so far and what you’re currently writing, will you be proud to show them, or wish there was more there?
Chances are if you’re reading this you’re privileged with an amazing amount of freedom, opportunity, and financial power, certainly when compared to most of human history and much of the world today. All of those are ingredients for an incredible story; what will you write with them?
Your story image via Shutterstock
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Holiday Love Challenge #3: Kindness Documentary
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When Following Your Dreams Results in Failure After Failure
“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Everyone tells you to chase your dreams and follow your passion. At some point, you’re brave and full of hope and decide to do it—quit your job, become an artist, apply for that dream job, and change your lifestyle.
It’s wonderful and empowering and exciting and all those things that make living worthwhile.
But what happens when you fail? When quitting your job left you broke, no one wants to publish your work, and your dream job turns you down? You are left feeling utterly defeated and a little bitter toward all those people who told you to go for it. It didn’t work. What then?
I’m no stranger to failure. I’ve tried so many times and had nothing concrete to show for my efforts. I’ve had to tell people, “No, I didn’t get it.”
Most recently, I’ve been hustling as hard as I can to get a job that will send me overseas in the development field to work for women’s human rights. Unpaid internships and grad school and applications and cold emailing have so far led to nothing.
It can be incredibly frustrating and leave me feeling hopeless, sometimes questioning if it’s worth following these dreams when I’m feeling so defeated. Like I said, I have nothing concrete to show for any of my efforts yet.
But a while back something happened that changed everything. And no, I didn’t get the dream job.
What happened was internal. I was sitting outside with a mug of hot coffee cuddled between my hands, a soft jacket pulled around my shoulders to combat the cool, autumn morning. Red, yellow, and orange leaves were raining down from the trees, spiraling to the ground. Painted clouds streaked the deep, brilliantly blue sky.
I could feel the sun on my face. And as I sat there, with none of my dreams coming true, I realized that it doesn’t matter if they never do.
I am alive, healthy, and free. I have people who love me. And I have the capacity to be grateful for this life and the ability to even contemplate following my dreams, let alone throw everything I’ve got into the fray.
I realized that even if my dreams never come true, I will be okay. It was so liberating. I will keep trying; I actually had a second wind after this realization. Because now I know that my life is full and worthwhile and beautiful even if I’m just sitting outside with coffee in the sunshine.
If you allow yourself to love everything, as simple and small as it may be, even if not all of your dreams are unfolding around you, there may come a day when your dreams do come true and it will be icing on an already magnificent cake.
The defeated feelings from failure come from letting all your hopes and happiness ride on the dreams coming true. If you allow yourself to appreciate the freedom and aliveness in just having the opportunity to try, the failing will be so much less painful.
You should keep chasing your dreams and following your passion. At the same time, you shouldn’t let yourself feel so bad if you’re failing.
Check with yourself and see—would it really be so awful if you just kept trying and things never quite worked out the way it does in your dreams?
Really think about it. How wonderful and fun and exciting is it that you can go off and chase those dreams? And how much more concrete and valuable is love in your life, joy in the simple things, and appreciating what you have?
If all your dreams come true but you neglected your relationships and forgot how to be grateful and happy with the little things, it won’t matter.
Let living fully be your passion. Chasing your dreams is a byproduct of that. Finding a way to make them come true is not the end all, be all.
Be fully immersed in your own life—your relationships with others and yourself, tasting good food, comfort and peace, enjoying a quiet morning with the sun on your face, laughter.
Failure isn’t so bad when you realize that taking the steps to make your dreams come true is a dream coming true in itself.
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10 Ways to Feel Confident Doing Things That Scare You
“With confidence, you have won before you have started.” ~Marcus Garvey
It’s not a great feeling.
Whether it’s meeting new people, speaking in front of a crowd, or learning a new skill, that inner knowing that you just aren’t feeling strong enough to competently complete the task ahead festers inside you.
I’ve had this feeling on numerous occasions.
As a kid I developed a fear of speaking out which emerged from a deep discontent with my body image, which translated later into a fear of socializing and public speaking.
I would have thoughts running through my mind such as “what if they don’t like me?” and I was constantly worried about my physical appearance.
I noticed this limited my ability to maintain friendships, as I couldn’t hold a natural, genuine conversation for long periods.
As the years went on, however, I realized that a lack of confidence is something that we unconsciously acquire, not something that’s inherently built into our DNA.
This spurred me to want to know how I can remove what I had accidently learned as a child.
I also realized that confidence is not just a matter of being larger-than-life in the way we stand and speak.
It’s a deeper level of a much simpler state: comfort.
Comfort in your own skin, in your own body, or whatever the situation is.
As an introvert, I still to this day prefer to avoid busy social situations or speaking with new people, but there’s not a fear or anxiety attached. It’s simply a preference.
And one thing I know for sure is that confidence is not a matter of luck. It is, as many things are, a matter of mindset.
Take the following simple, proven steps I took to become much more confident in all situations:
1. Get crystal clear on the worst-case scenario.
Popularised by Dan Gilbert in his book Stumbling on Happiness, our ability to predict accurately how good something will feel when something goes right, as well as how bad something will feel when something goes wrong, is vastly inaccurate. This is known as affective forecasting, and we are all prone to it.
So instead of guessing, try writing down in words what would be the worst-case scenario if what you wanted to be confident in went completely wrong.
You’ll notice that it’s never that bad. Life will still continue, and you can grow from the experience.
Knowing this can put you at ease and prevent you from overestimating the consequences of taking that first step.
2. Ready, fire, aim!
Overthinking is the enemy of confidence. You’re better off jumping into the deep end and correcting errors rather than treading cautiously around the situation trying to pursue perfection, which is nothing other than an excuse for procrastinating.
Show yourself you can be confident by doing the most confident thing of all: beginning.
Take that first step and adjust accordingly afterward. You’ll make mistakes and feel a lack of confidence initially, but you’ll have laid the foundations for long-term inner strength and true confidence in the near future.
3. Respect the law of excellence.
As we all know, a few fundamentals are necessary to succeed in anything. We can all agree that repetition is one of them.
If you want to gain confidence in something, you must do it over and over again.
Why is practice so effective? Because confidence has a direct correlation with competence.
Think about it; when you’re able to complete a task easily, don’t you naturally feel confident doing it?
For example, when I wanted to develop more confidence talking to new people, I would simple practice talking to strangers as often as possible. With time, I realized that the worst-case scenario was never that bad, it’s better to say something before my mind could put me into fear, and I should repeat this as many times as possible.
4. Watch your posture.
Although confidence is not exclusively about the posture you hold and the gestures you make, as often stereotyped, posturing your body for confidence is important.
Amy Cuddy, associate professor at Harvard Business School, became famous for her research that showed how standing and sitting confidently for a couple of minutes changes our biochemical layout in our brains, and thus actually affects how we feel.
The takeaway: Our internal physiology responds to our bodily movements, including our posture and facial expressions. To instantly feel more confident, make your body first look as it would look if you felt confident. Simple, fast, free, and very effective.
5. Maintain optimism, no matter what.
When a situation makes us feel insecure, it’s really because we’re picturing an extremely negative outcome.
The essence of being confident is to imagine a positive outcome instead of a negative one.
Easier said than done, right?
I agree! In my experience, however, the more you do this consciously, the more it becomes a habit, and eventually it becomes natural to think this way.
In addition, the more competent you become in a given situation, the more you naturally develop a thought process where you imagine a positive outcome, every time.
6. Step out of your comfort zone regularly.
You’ll never know what you’re capable of until you touch the edges of your comfort zone on a regular basis.
Once you reach the edge, you’ll have expanded your capabilities, and the circle of comfort will increase.
This helps greatly because what you had previously felt was uncomfortable becomes second nature, and you have a new level of discomfort to challenge you to grow and expand your level of confidence.
7. Remove all distractions.
We want to know we can develop confidence not only authentically, but swiftly too. Like any skill, the more we remove unnecessary distractions, the quicker we can become better at it.
For example, when I wanted to become more confident with public speaking, I regarded it as a new skill I was learning and developing, and thus I consciously decided to put everything else on the back burner so that I could focus solely on this one skill.
In addition to harnessing your focus for faster improvements, removing distractions also creates extra time, which, as we discussed in tip #3, allows you to pursue excellence by increasing the frequency of practice.
8. Be mindful of negative thoughts.
This is by far one of the most virtuous habits to adopt for confidence.
As mentioned before, a lack of confidence most often has its basis in thoughts that are unhelpful. To be able to step back and watch these thoughts, the moment they arise, causes an immediate release of negative emotional energy.
It’s human nature to be self-critical at times: What if he doesn’t like me? What if she notices this flaw about me? Why do I always act this way?
But none of these thoughts have power to bring us down without our belief in them. To reduce our attachment to them, we must first be aware of when they arise.
From here, we can use the beautiful gift we have been given—our thought—to challenge these negative assumptions and eventually turn them around.
With time and resilience, these thoughts will not even arise, and confidence will be a natural by-product.
9. Exercise regularly.
Our scientific understanding of neurophysiology proves that exercise has a beneficial effect on our moods.
What many people don’t know, however, is that exercise has a direct impact on our confidence too.
What’s even less known is that it’s not about how frequently you exercise, nor is it the intensity with which you exercise. It’s simply the mere act of exercising versus not exercising that can affect our levels of confidence.
Researchers from the University of California reviewed fifty-seven case studies on how exercise influences mood and mental health, and they found that with the release of endorphins in the brain during exercise, we can develop a sense of increased self-confidence.
So no need to enter the gym. Go for a pleasant walk every day. Your body and your mind will thank you for it.
10. Feel the bass.
Music is one of those universally loved forms of art. It can make us feel heightened states of emotion, both positive and negative.
You can also use music to increase your confidence. Researchers from the Kellogg School of Management found that the right type of background music can be hugely effective in making you feel powerful and confident.
Specifically, bass-heavy music can make us feel a boost in confidence. We often see this in stadiums before large sporting events, or when athletes or musicians psyche themselves up for an important performance.
So don’t be afraid to get your headphones on and blast your favorite jams before your next event.
Be Strong
Remember, above all, you have the strength and intelligence within you to overcome any obstacle that’s in your way of living the life you truly deserve.
Confidence is an attribute you can develop within yourself using these simple steps.
Before you know it, you’ll be ready to take on the world with an unbeatable inner strength and power.
And remember, never let anything get in your way.
I think I can image via Shutterstock
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Holiday Love Challenge #2: Wrap Your Brain Around Someone’s Point of View
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How to Stop Envying Other People’s Seemingly Perfect Lives
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick
It’s in our nature to compare ourselves with others. The ability to weigh one situation up against another helps us make decisions and live our lives productively.
The downside is that when you constantly compare your own life with those of other people, you will always come up short.
Over-comparing causes envy. Envy is the feeling or sensation we have when we want to get something that someone else has and we can’t be happy for them when they have it.
Getting stuck in a cycle of envy is just about the best way to ruin your life. Fortunately, there are several ways to deal with envy that will guide you toward happiness and well-being.
Don’t Compare Your Cutting Room Floor With Someone Else’s Highlight Reel
Have you ever seen anybody post an unflattering photo on Facebook? Let’s face it, you rarely read about someone fighting with their spouse, hating their job, or declaring bankruptcy. Most people show you what they want you to see—a highly edited, glossed-up version of their life.
The next time you feel envious about someone else’s life, remember that you’re only looking at part of the story, the part they want you to see.
Think of something that another person has that you want. For example, maybe someone you know is far more popular than you. On the surface it may appear that they are surrounded with people who look up to them, and that they are well-liked and respected.
But in reality people might have a different view of them behind closed doors. In this case, the actual reality and what we perceive as reality are two very different things.
Even the most enviable lifestyle has downsides. For example, many people covet the glamour and glitz of the rich and famous. But have you ever sat down and thought about what kind of life a famous person has?
Ask yourself if you’d enjoy someone jumping out of a bush and taking a snapshot of you in your grubby tracksuit pants while you’re collecting the newspaper from the front lawn.
There are always two sides to every coin. What you think you see is not necessarily the reality. So the next time you get caught up in envy, always remember that unless you are that person you don’t really have the whole story.
Isn’t It Already Here?
I am by nature a private person, but I wasn’t always that way. In my twenties I was invited to every party, had scores of friends, and was (in my own mind, at least) funny, clever, and popular.
As the years went by I became more introverted, and not too long ago I started beating myself up for not having many friends. Why wasn’t I popular like other people?
One particular couple that my husband and I love catching up with came to mind. Whenever we wanted to see them, we had to literally book months in advance because they were so busy with other social commitments.
Then I started to really ask myself, what is the essence of what I think popularity will bring me? The answer was simple: I wanted to feel a sense of connection and belonging.
It was at that time I realized that the essence of what I wanted was already here. I have a loving husband, a great family, a couple of good friends who would do anything for me, and plenty of time to do what I want.
I also realized that I would absolutely hate not having a moment to myself; being popular would probably make me pretty miserable.
So the next time you feel as though you’re missing out on something that somebody else has, drill down into the essence of whatever you think that thing would give you and ask yourself, is it already here?
Do You Really Want What They Have?
If you really want to play the comparison game, remember that if you want someone else’s life you have to be willing to do a complete swap; that is, you would have to give up your life as it is and swap over to theirs.
Here’s an exercise that will help you decide if you really want out of your situation and into someone else’s:
When you’re ready, think of someone you know who has the kind of life that you envy. Then take a piece of paper and in the left hand column write the heading “What I have that they don’t have.”
Then in the right hand column, write the heading “What they have that I want.” In this column you are going to make a list of all the things this person has that you want. Write down whatever comes to your mind. For example, do they have a lot of money, a nice house, nice clothes, or the perfect partner?
When you’ve finished doing this, move to the left hand column. Write down everything that you value in your life. For example, family, friends, pets, and everyone who is important to you.
One caveat: the other person may indeed have friends, family, and pets just like you. But in this case you’re not so much looking at what they have (i.e.: a dog, a child, a husband), but the unique relationship and connection you have with your pets and loved ones. So remember to write down the names of your family members, friends, and pets.
Be as specific as you can. Get really clear and what you love about your life. It could be something as simple as being able to finish work early on Thursdays so you can go to the gym.
Now its crunch time; you’ll probably find that the list on the left hand side is much bigger than the list on the right. So ask yourself, is there anything in this list you would be willing to give up in order to have the life that the other person has?
What you’ll likely discover is that everything you have in your list is as valuable as or more valuable than the things that the other person has.
Practice Gratitude
One of the reasons we feel envy is that we often take the good things in our own lives for granted.
The happier you are with your lot in life, the more good things will come to you. Happiness studies show that truly happy people are not necessarily wealthy, powerful, or famous.
They have simply made a choice to be happy by paying attention to the good things around them. Since whatever you focus on will become the inclination of the mind, this makes perfect sense.
Every night before I go to sleep I ask myself the following questions:
- What do I take for granted in my life?
- Who are the important people (or animals) in my life?
- Who is in my corner?
- What freedoms do I enjoy?
- What advantages have I been given in life?
This allows me to take stock of what is important and gives me a nice feeling of contentment before I drift off to sleep. Try it for yourself!
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Our society has conditioned us to believe that your net worth equates to happiness. Accordingly many people strive to be more, do more, and have more.
But none of those things actually cause any lasting happiness. They are all impermanent and subject to change. Most importantly, they represent other qualities of heart that can be achieved regardless of net worth.
Ask yourself the question: “What really makes me happy?” Is it actually the money, possessions, or reputation? Or is it freedom, joy, peace, and serenity?
Happiness is the ultimate currency, and there’s no law that says there isn’t enough of that to go around.
Envy image via Shutterstock
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Losing Your Job Doesn’t Have to Mean Losing Yourself
“I believe one of the greatest achievements in life is the choice to be empowered, not paralyzed, by a disappointment.” ~Lori Deschene
I was recently fired from my dream job, and this was devastating to me.
Anyone who has ever lost their livelihood should be able to relate to this experience. Vulnerability, shock, confusion, and anger dominated my feelings in the aftermath of suddenly losing a job that I loved.
What happened? My company created a fantastic referral program, and I saw a business opportunity to take advantage of it.
I reached out to multiple senior members of the staff in order to get approval for my business plan, and then I set it in motion. Two weeks later I was fired, without warning, for the very thing that I had openly sought and received approval for.
Upon hearing the news, my mind was reeling. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry.
How could they do this to me, particularly after being told the day before that I could soon expect a promotion? How could they be so cruel? Why couldn’t they work with me to resolve the issue in an amicable way?
Thoughts of revenge swirled around in my head. I wanted to burn bridges. Oh lord, how I wanted to burn bridges!
My life was suddenly thrown into turmoil. The plans that my girlfriend and I had made for our next year or so were thrown into disarray.
Would I have to move away from her, and how would that impact our relationship? How am I going to explain this to my friends and family? How was I going to pay my rent? How can I ever feel secure in a future job? Am I “falling behind” my friends?
What it largely boils down to is feeling a loss of my identity. Despite only working at this company for a few months, its mission is something that I felt (and continue to feel) incredibly passionate about.
I don’t just mean that I lost my identity in the sense that “I am what I do.” Of course not—I’m so much more than just my job.
But this job allowed me to act authentically; not only did I enjoy my work, but I actually felt as though I was living my life, rather than just working in order to live my life. I was doing good things, and promoting something that I loved.
As Homer Simpson once said, “If I’m not a nuclear safety whatchamajigger, I’m nothing!”
Losing my job meant that I was no longer “cutting-edge tech industry guy who is revolutionizing the world and helping the poor and downtrodden.” Or at least that’s what it felt like.
But in reality, personal identity is far more complex than this. Whatever you think you are is at best only a vague approximation of who you really are.
My former job was in customer service. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I really wasn’t using my skills to the best of my ability. There are other lines of work, even within the same industry, that would allow me to express my identity more authentically—and perhaps more profitably as well!
I had gone through something similar before, and learned a similar lesson then. Career setbacks have allowed me to “fail up” in the past, and they can do so again.
Even though it feels as though the rug has been pulled out from under my feet, past experience has proven to me that these situations can be among the most valuable.
Real life requires embracing the uncertainty of who you are and accepting the vulnerability that comes along with this fact.
My identity isn’t some fixed quality that is only expressed via a particular job. My identity comes from my values, and I have to trust that these values can be expressed in some even greater, more authentic way. In other words, I am more than what I think I am at any given moment.
Getting fired is difficult, but it need not be emotionally devastating. It helps to talk about it with trusted people who love you. It helps to write things down. And it helps to look at being fired as something to evolve through rather than something you “get over.”
So what’s next for me, then? I don’t know specifically, but I’m sure it will be something bigger, better, and more authentically me than what I have lost.
And in the meantime, I need to “let go” and forgive those who I believe have wronged me. Luckily, I have been reading my copy of Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges, and just came across several exercises that are helping me to do this (April 9th and April 27th, for those keeping score at home).
First, I’m visualizing my former manager and the HR representative “as a young child who is doing his or her best, making mistakes, and hoping for [my] understanding and forgiveness.”
The fact is, I was working for a startup, and chances are they were just doing their best and didn’t really know how to handle the situation properly. It’s quite possible that they are beating themselves up over it.
I’m certainly not happy about what happened, but perhaps they aren’t either. Everyone makes mistakes, and I forgive them for it.
The second exercise, which perfectly sums up the message I am trying to convey in this essay, is to “imagine that you are the hero in a movie, and all the pain you’ve experienced has helped you grow, and will eventually help you thrive in life… you are the hero of the story, not the victim.”
While I’m deeply saddened to have lost my job, this pain will be invaluable in fostering future growth.
If you too have lost your job recently, or a role that feels like a part of your identity, try not to see it as losing yourself. You are so much more than any one job or role. And consider that maybe this happened for you, not to you. This chapter may be over, but the next one may be even better.
Being fired image via Shutterstock
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Holiday Love Challenge #1: Give the Gift of Your Presence
Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.
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5 Valid Reasons to Be a Quitter
“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” ~Nina Simone
In my short life, I have left many jobs or situations. Some might call this “quitting.” Why has quitting gotten a bad rap?
Spiritual teachers and wise people often advise letting go of situations that are no longer right for you. It doesn’t seem like we’ve gotten this message. I don’t think quitting is such a bad word.
I quit my job just recently. And I feel great. Other things that I have chosen to leave: multiple jobs, a few relationships, and one PhD program (more on that later).
Most people equate quitting to giving up. They think, “Oh, you just don’t feel like working anymore. Oh, you didn’t try hard enough.” This sort of thinking is what convinces people to stay in situations that are not serving them, not allowing them to be their best, or worse, hurting them (physically, emotionally, or spiritually).
The job that I recently decided to leave was having a damaging effect on my life. Even people who love me (bless their hearts) have told me to stay in my job.
It’s easy to let outside sources sway your decisions. Friends and family mean well, but they are not the ones living your life. You need to do what’s right for you. As I see it, it’s a strong decision to take a step that supports your health and well-being.
That’s not to say there won’t be consequences. I still need to pay my rent, buy food, and provide for my companion animals. It’s all possible with a bit of planning.
I accepted that my current situation was hurting my health. And so I quit. These are the reasons I am proud to be a “quitter”:
1. I quit because I wanted to.
Yes, this is a legitimate reason. You are allowed to enjoy your life! Actually, I would encourage it.
If you’re not enjoying your life (the everyday, mundane parts), then something needs to change. You don’t always need an explanation. Following your heart is totally okay—you deserve it.
2. I am learning to be the best version of myself.
Life is constant change, and we are always growing (whether we admit it or not). I try to be intentional about this. Am I growing in the direction I want to?
This was a big reason I left a PhD program that I was enrolled in. The academic, competitive environment wasn’t teaching me how to be a version of myself that I wanted to be. I left so that I could continue growing on my path to being a kind, generous person who lives according to my values.
3. Perseverance isn’t everything.
I think perseverance is a trait that we tend to over-value. Sticking it out is great—if you still believe in the goal and enjoy the work.
It’s expected that you won’t enjoy every minute; it’s called hard work for a reason. But sticking it out just for the sake of it? Not something I believe in.
If you’re no longer engaged in your work, it’s time for a change. You are not a failure. Plans change and that’s okay.
4. It builds confidence.
When you stand up for what you believe in and make bold life choices, it increases your self-confidence. You learn to trust your own judgment and your ability to deal with difficult situations.
You don’t always need to follow the crowd. As you learn to make decisions for yourself, you will become more and more confident in yourself. And after all, your life is for you.
5. Quitting creates space for something better.
Ah, the possibilities. I have been dreaming of starting my own businesses, working for myself, and living a more creative lifestyle for years. What was I waiting for?
It’s easy to make excuses when you have a day job. I told myself that I didn’t have time to work on my “passion projects.” I decided to make my whole life a passion project and in order to do that, I needed to create space by clearing out what’s not working. Goodbye, cubicle!
When you say “no” to something that’s not right for you, you are allowing yourself to say “yes” to the things that are.
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I am proud of the times in my life that I have showed perseverance and gotten through something tough. But I think I am more proud of the times I have taken a leap.
I quit because I wanted better for myself, because I know I deserve it, and because I wanted to. I’m not advocating that everyone go out and quit their jobs today. But it’s important to keep assessing your life and see if you want to continue choosing what you chose in the past.
It’s okay to quit some things, or a lot of things, if you’re like me. You deserve your dream life. Now go get it.
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How to Stick with New Habits When It’s Hard
“Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.” ~Benjamin Franklin
You probably agree with that statement.
But, for you (and everyone else) the problem is that good habits are hard to form and bad habits are easy to keep.
It is certainly true for me. Like most of us, I meant to start exercising for about six years after I started my career.
But it never happened. I’d do it for two or three weeks here and there, but nothing that ever stuck.
Then, all of a sudden, it did.
And it did because something changed for me. I had a son that was old enough to mimic me who I wanted to be able to keep up with for the next twenty years.
That scared me straight essentially.
In a number of areas in my life, including fitness, I realized he was going to base a significant portion of his view of how to live life and what habits were important off of what he watched me do.
So I stopped acting like I was going start exercising and actually did it.
To create my new habit, I used a combination of the techniques below.
You can use them to firm up your new habit and get your good habit quotient up.
1. How “meaning well” guarantees failure.
We’ve all told ourselves that, even if we didn’t do what meant to, at least we meant well.
“I meant well” is a pretty good way to make sure your habit won’t stick. It is making your intentions the ultimate measure.
The problem is, you don’t actually have to do anything to have good intentions. So you won’t.
Deciding that what you value is results rather than intentions is critical to you actually forming your new habit.
When you shift your value from intentions to results, you will stop just talking about starting the habit or trying to figure out the perfect way to do it, and just start doing it because that is the only way to get the results you want.
You will figure it out along the way, and when you do, you will be much closer to the result you want.
2. Mondays aren’t special; start your new habit today.
Start whatever habit you are trying to create the day you decide to create it.
No need to wait for the next Monday (or the next day you get a solid eight hours of sleep or when a magical fairy whispers in your ear that you should start today).
Starting now will make creating your habit easier.
Delay will have two consequences you want to avoid: a) you lose the days between when you decided to start and when you actually did, which you could have used to practice your new habit and b) instead, you will have spent those days practicing exactly what you are seeking to avoid, not doing the habit.
So start now, and use those precious days to practice the result you actually want.
3. Why torture yourself?
Starting a new habit is hard and keeping it is harder. But if you know why you are doing it, it makes it much easier to stick to.
Using the example from my life, when the reason I was trying to work out was because it was something I was “supposed to do,” and I wanted to lose the extra pounds because my clothes fit tighter than I liked, it didn’t work.
But it finally clicked when my “why” became to keep up with my high-energy son now, to be fit enough to keep moving and playing well into old age, and to be a good example for him.
Now, if for some reason I have to skip a workout, it bothers me instead of giving me a sense of relief. It’s been quite a change.
For you to make the change, you also have to have an actual goal that you care about, that is yours, not what everyone says you should do.
Then creating the habit will be about the why, not the habit. The habit that is just a means to the end you want.
So if you miss a day, you aren’t just missing a day of your habit, you are missing an opportunity to get to your goal. That’s much harder to skip.
4. The how is irrelevant; talk to yourself about the why.
This is a huge one. How we talk to ourselves about the new habit will almost completely determine whether it sticks.
Do we talk about the habit as just the habit, or in terms of why we want the habit in the first place?
Here’s what I mean, using my fitness example…
Back when I couldn’t make it stick, my self-talk fairly often went like this:
“I’m tired; I need another hour of sleep (despite having watched three hours of Netflix prior to deciding to go to bed the night before), so I’ll skip the workout today. It’s no big deal, I’ll get it tomorrow.”
I’d have this conversation a few mornings in a row, and eventually I didn’t even go through the trouble of having it; working out out just wasn’t an option anymore.
But then it changed. On those mornings when I hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep, I started talking to myself in terms of my “why,” not my “how” (the actual habit).
That went like this: “Do I want to exchange this chance to be a good example and a more active father for an hour of sleep?” I never said yes.
When you are asking yourself whether today is the day that you skip whatever your habit is, frame it around the result you are seeking, not the action you are taking to get the result.
You are much less likely to bail because doing so will be essentially deciding you no longer want that result.
5. Decide once, and never decide again.
Every time you are faced with whether you will stick to your new habit, you are faced with an opportunity to quit.
So make it easy on yourself; decide once at the beginning that whatever your habit is, that is what you do now, and then don’t ever reconsider the question.
I leaned heavily on this one when starting to workout regularly.
I didn’t decide I would workout today.
I decided I would get fit and stay fit, and I decided that working out three days a week (MWF) was how I would do it.
Not working out stopped being an option. I didn’t have to face whether I would workout every day, I had already answered that question when I decided I would get fit, so I stopped asking it.
I definitely have to remind myself of it every once in awhile, particularly on nights where I don’t get near the sleep I would like.
But I still, for the most part, never ask the question. I just get up and go.
Decide once and be done with it.
Declare that you are the person that does your habit because you want to reach your goal, then act in accordance with that declaration.
6. Do your work early.
Put yourself in a position where you are committed before you have to commit. Do something so that you will have to actively undue it to avoid performing the habit.
To continue my workout example, the night before I am going to workout, I put my gym bag together, get out my workout clothes and shoes, and put them in a pile in my living room.
Now, for me to not go workout, I will have to put those clothes back up. I have to actively do something to not workout. So, instead, I put on the clothes and go workout.
Find something you can do that commits you to performing your new habit before you actually have to perform the habit, and, since you already have to do something, you will likely just do the habit instead of undoing the thing you did.
Now What?
Take one or more of the six methods and apply them to that habit you can’t seem to get to stick.
Do it today.
You will be pleasantly surprised at how much easier it will be to actually stick to it this time.
But, before you do that, I’d love to hear what has helped you create and keep new habits, either one of the six above or something else. Please leave a comment below and let me know!
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If You’re Scared to Share Yourself and Your Gifts
“True happiness involves the full use of one’s power and talents.” ~John W. Gardner
If you’re afraid…
…to launch your project,
to share your voice,
to sing in front of someone,
to dance in public,
to write a book,
to show who you really are to the world,
to ask someone out,
to tell someone you love them,
to try something new,
of what other people will think of you…
if you’re afraid of any of these things or more, I have three simple words for you:
Do it anyway.
Do it anyway! Isn’t that liberating? Come on, isn’t it kinda?
You don’t actually have to overcome your fears to do any of the things you’re afraid of. Every single time you become conscious that you’re frozen from fear you get to make a choice. You get to choose to continue to be stuck or you get to choose to move through the fear.
Moving through the fear does not mean that fear is going to go away. And let’s just be clear here: trying to be fearless is a waste of our time and energy.
Trying to be fearless is an attempt to make it easy to do something that feels difficult. It could also be called avoidance. Instead of avoiding, you can choose to feel the fear right now and do what you need to do in spite of it. Yes, it’s going to feel scary. But so what?
If we want to focus on how things feel for a minute, let’s think about this deep desire you have to share your art. (When I say art, I’m speaking about your gifts, your service, the thing that your soul is screaming to share.)
So, you have this deep calling to share your art but there’s also this other part of you that is afraid. So you think about all of the reasons you’re scared and you analyze them and you go back to your art and you try to make it more perfect so you can squelch any potential haters.
Then it’s time to share and you get scared again, and this cycle goes on.
This might look a little differently for you.
You might just be frozen in fear. You might be so scared you haven’t even started your art. You might be avoiding it. You might be perfecting it, so convinced that a true artist spends a lifetime perfecting something when you’re really just scurrrred. Yes, you are.
And all of this that I’m describing, all of it spells out A.N.X.I.E.T.Y. So let’s take the power out of fear.
So let’s take the power out of fear. If we do it anyway, if we launch the project, if we stop perfecting, if we take any kind of leap that feels risky, we’re telling fear that its voice doesn’t hold any weight.
Isn’t that more fun than all of the anxiety around avoiding the leap? Just jump. It’s the most difficult and yet the simplest thing you can do. And the trick is that once you do it the first time, it gets a little bit easier to jump the next time.
One of my favorite Paulo Coelho quotes is handwritten on a chalkboard in my kitchen. It says, “No matter how you are feeling, get up every morning and prepare to let your light shine forth.”
I write a lot about the fleeting nature of feelings. They come and go. They’re not stable. They blow with the wind. So yeah, it would be lovely to be stoked to share your gifts with world. But the truth is that when it comes to being seen and heard, most of us are scared, and most of us are scared of what other people think.
What other people think about your work is none of your business. Your business is listening to your soul and abiding by it.
Your business is connecting with the depths of yourself and living a life so fulfilling that there could never be such a thing as regret.
Your job is not to worry about someone else, change yourself for someone else, or stifle yourself out of fear of someone else.
And let’s just shift our perspectives a bit. We spend so much energy worried about whether people will misunderstand us, dislike us, or mistreat us. The truth is that most people are supportive. Most of the people we fear will surprise us and say, “Hey what you’re doing is awesome. I admire it.”
And the very few who don’t, the ones who want to critique you instead of looking at themselves, they’re the last people you should be worrying about. Judgment comes from fear. And when someone else projects their fear onto you, it’s not worth an ounce of your energy. Keep it movin’.
No, it’s not easy to do things that feel scary. It can be painful to show the parts of yourself that are really you. It can be really hard to hear people say mean things about your art.
The truth is that there are really unpleasant things about being alive, but there are also things that are more important than feeling good.
When your soul is screaming loud enough you’ll have no choice but to listen and leap. But maybe do it before then. Maybe choose to move through the fear as soon as it shows its face. Maybe do it anyway.
Hiding woman image via Shutterstock
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5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Feeling Stuck
“Remember, you can’t reach what’s in front of you until you let go of what’s behind you.” ~Unknown
After recently relocating from the UK to Central America, I found it hard to focus my energy and attention again. The upheaval had been all consuming and I was now in a new environment with new routines, new challenges, and a new way of life to adjust to.
I had so much I wanted to do, and I didn’t know which area of life to focus on first. The stuckness I felt affected several different areas of my life, from creating a new exercise routine, to reworking how to spend my mornings, to deciding which work projects to focus on first.
Every time I’ve felt stuck or stagnant in life, I’ve noticed that what helps me get out of this place isn’t trying to resolve everything at once. When I try to take action or make changes blindly, I sometimes end up feeling even more stuck than I felt before. Instead, what helps is taking a step back and asking myself the right questions.
Here are five of my favorite questions to ask myself when I’m feeling stuck:
1. What is the number one thing that, if I started doing it, would have the biggest positive impact on my life?
I love asking myself this question because it cuts through the noise and brings me to what is most important right now.
One of the times I tend to feel stuck is when I’m trying to focus on too many things at once. I experience overwhelm, decision fatigue, and consequently don’t take the action that would get me unstuck again.
In his book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, author Greg McKeown reveals that the word “priorities” didn’t exist in plural form until the 20th Century. Until then, the only usage was “priority.” The concept of choosing just one priority has been lost since then, and this question helps us return to that focus.
I also find it powerful to flip this question and ask myself, “What is the number one thing that, if I stopped doing it, would have the biggest positive impact on my life?” Thinking about the question from this perspective leads to valuable insights that introduce a little more clarity and ease into my life.
2. What is “good enough?”
Expecting or desiring perfection is one of the fastest ways to feel stuck, because perfection doesn’t exist. When we approach different areas of our lives with the belief “this either has to be perfect or it’s a failure,” it’s understandable we shy away from making decision or taking action. That’s a lot of pressure!
Instead, I’ve found it helpful to ask myself “What does good enough look like here?” Good enough isn’t about scrimping on effort or not trying. It’s about challenging ourselves without introducing the unrealistic burden of superhuman results.
3. What do I really want, and how might I be stopping myself from getting that?
We often have far more control over some things than we think we do. When we don’t take ownership of this power, we can feel helpless in the face of external events and forces and also feel stuck.
Of course, there are many things that we can’t influence. We need to be discerning about focusing on what we can control and letting go of the things we can’t.
For example, many of us want other people in our lives to validate and support our decisions and actions, but we can’t control how other people feel, act, or respond. If we’re waiting for others to change or to give us permission before we go for what we want, we’re waiting for something that is beyond our control.
Asking this question helps us identify where we might have more control over our situation than we think we do. It also sheds light on what we can do differently to feel more powerful and in charge of our circumstances.
4. In ten years’ time, what will be most important to me?
How many big decisions from ten years ago can you remember today? I don’t know about you, but a lot of the things I agonized over a decade ago aren’t even on my radar now!
The gift of hindsight is a beautiful thing, and the good news is that we don’t need to wait for ten years to pass to get clarity on current events and choices.
When I ask myself this question, it takes me out of a scarcity-based short-term mindset and helps me stay true to my values in the long-term. I can focus on who I want to be and on the activities and projects that most contribute to my long-term desires and goals.
5. Who do I need to become to do what I want to do?
We tend to think of getting unstuck in terms of action and doing. While this is important, there’s another piece we need to take into account too: our identity.
In the past, I’ve felt stuck even though I’ve known exactly what my next action steps were and that I’m capable of taking them. In these times, the issue has been my self-concept (i.e. how I see myself). If the action conflicts with my self-concept, I’m likely to feel stuck until I acknowledge that and shift my perspective of myself.
This happened when I started running and exercising regularly. After a while, I would stop doing either of these things without knowing why. Because of this, I wasn’t seeing much change or difference in my fitness levels or skill, and it was frustrating.
When I unpacked what was happening, I realized that I just didn’t see myself as a sporty person. I had a leftover identity from childhood of “the unathletic one,” and exercising on a regular basis challenged this. In order to reach my fitness goals, I needed to shift my self-concept from “unathletic” (a judgment) to “someone who takes care of themselves on a regular basis.”
Through doing this, the resistance shifted and I was able to make regular exercise part of my life.
What questions do you ask yourself when you feel stuck? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.
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Shedding Layers of Pain and Learning to Love Our Bodies
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.” ~Buddha
I cried when I watched the YouTube clip of Amy Pence-Brown standing in a bikini in a crowded marketplace in Idaho.
In the clip Amy asks people to write on her body. Her arms are wide open, she has a blindfold on, she has curves and cellulite, and she is completely vulnerable.
Why did she do it? Because she wanted to say: Here’s my body, complete and real. You can choose to accept me or reject me, but here’s my body. I want to make a statement that all bodies are valuable. I want to work toward self-acceptance.
I cried because she was doing the inverse of what we have trained ourselves to do.
I cried because I have spent most of my life disliking my body.
I cried because I recognized how brave Amy’s gesture was.
I cried because people were kind and wrote words and symbols of love and acceptance all over her body.
I cried because I’ve experienced the inverse.
I cried because so many of us have experienced the inverse.
Let’s acknowledge just how deep it goes.
I know a lot of people write about this. The advice is usually that we need to ignore the billboards and societal pressure and to stop striving for the body perfection we’ve been taught to seek; that instead, we should embark on a journey to love the skin we’re in.
This is all true but it doesn’t really acknowledge just how very hard this is to do. It’s flippant.
The fact is that many of us have had days, weeks, months, and years of messaging. It’s first come from external sources but is then repeated over and over again internally. The messaging is that our bodies are not okay; that they unacceptable.
We have been living in a house that we’ve been taught to dislike or hate for a very long time.
So when we are told that we should learn to love our bodies, we need to recognize that this is not an easy thing to do by any means. It’s going to take work and focus and a lot of grace and love.
The whole debate about whether someone should be happy with themselves as “fat” or “thin” or “athletic” or “normal” is immaterial.
When love is given, it doesn’t matter what shape it’s given to. It’s just given. Really, that’s what we are all looking for. When we think of our body we want to think of it lovingly. I’m not talking about pride here as pride arises from comparison and ego; I’m talking about love.
Can we remember what it was like before?
How on earth do we learn to love our bodies given that we have years of training to hate them?
When I thought about what it would really take to love my body, given what I was up against, I had a fleeting memory of myself as a young girl playing in a stream on a sand island off the coast of Australia.
I was determined to build a wall to block the stream so I could have a bath. I remembered how fun that was and exactly how it felt to be in that body.
I then remembered other experiences in my young body like doing high jump, running around in bare feet, climbing up trees, dancing, and swimming in the ocean.
I remembered back then I didn’t think of my body as anything other than a vehicle for adventure. In fact, there were many times I didn’t think of my body at all.
I then started to think about the exact point in my life when I started to acknowledge and dislike my body. For me it was around puberty when my body started to fill out.
I got pimples and started to be rated by others as attractive or unattractive. Soon boys rejected me or were indifferent, and the appearance of my body became a priority. My outside was now part of my worth.
My body was affecting my social standing. I saw the people who had better bodies become more popular; their experience of life seemed effortless. Whether or not this was the reality was lost to me.
In these formative years I would consciously or subconsciously direct my thoughts to how much I disliked my body.
I had years of training before my twenties hit, so these thoughts didn’t go away even though, in my case, the pressure to have the perfect body did.
After all of this remembering I asked myself, how I could get back to the little girl in the stream that was determined to build that dam?
I looked down at my body. It’s not something we body traumatized people often do.
Then. One by one, little by little I saw grey layers form around my body.
I knew that these layers were old.
They had formed over many, many years.
They built on each other, binding together.
They built over the little girl.
They were the specific experiences that had haunted me. They were the memories of the people who rejected my body, who had called me ugly, whether it was through a gesture, a look, or words. They were the moments when I experienced overwhelming dislike for various parts of my body.
I acknowledged that there were a lot of layers and my job was to work through them bit by bit. To thank the memory and experiences, to cry and to say that’s enough, I’d like to move on, thank you very much. You will not define me or my concept of who I am anymore.
For the truth of it is that these are just layers and underneath them all is the girl that didn’t see her body as anything other than a vehicle for adventure. She is still gloriously there.
I know there a lot of us out there who have these layers.
I know that the journey toward body love is not simple.
I wondered what would life be like if we worked through these layers and shed them with the goal of coming back to the part of ourselves that is unencumbered. I wondered if this would mean that this part of our existence would be a little freer, a little more joyful?
Amy Pence-Brown did a very brave thing and stood in a crowded marketplace. She asked people to love her body, and they did.
Her reward for this brave act was a shedding of some her own layers of pain and hurt and I’ve no doubt that she loved herself just a little more on that day.
We have that opportunity to love in this lifetime as well. We just need to remember.
Photo by Melanie Folwell
