Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • When Someone Cheats or Mistreats You, It’s About Them, Not You

    When Someone Cheats or Mistreats You, It’s About Them, Not You

    “Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. So thank the past for a better future.” ~Unknown

    I used to think when someone cheated on me that I was flawed.

    You see, I had a core belief that there was something wrong with me. I never felt enough. I’m not even sure I can fully articulate this feeling, but whatever it was, I just didn’t feel enough. Slim enough, pretty enough, clever enough, worthy enough, or just, well, anything enough.

    I’ve now come to see that when someone mistreats you it has almost nothing to do with you. Other people’s behavior is about them.

    I’ve come to realize that my ex flirting and engaging in a sexual manner with other women had to do with his insecurities, and nothing to do with me not being good enough.

    It was his issue, not mine. It was his ego that needed a boost, and he used other women for that because he wasn’t emotionally or intellectually developed enough to boost himself.

    I believe we must be responsible enough to look after our own feelings and not make someone else responsible for how we feel. He was still trapped in a cycle of thinking he needed someone to make him feel happy. He needed to use other women to boost his self-esteem.

    Previously, I’ve felt that my world was falling apart when a man cheated on me or left me. I felt my value decreased the moment he didn’t want me.

    I can now see my value just is, it’s innate. We are all born worthy—worthy of love and good enough. Even if no one in the world can see it, it’s the truth. I am enough exactly as I am. I don’t need to be anything other than who I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore.

    I’ve realized that I am more than lovable. When someone doesn’t or can’t treat me the way I want and deserve to be treated, it’s not a reflection of me.

    I’ve learned that it’s my job to put my best interests at heart and love myself enough to walk away from anything that doesn’t serve me or build me up.

    This time I discovered an inner strength much sooner than I previously have. I walked away when I discovered the lies; previously I would stayed trying to fix myself when I wasn’t the one that was at fault.

    I now recognize that I am a complete person all alone. I don’t need someone else to complete me.

    I function and enjoy my life on my own. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy being in relationships—I really do, and I think it’s so magical when two happy, complete people come together and share their lives.

    However, I’ve discovered that if the other person is looking for someone to complete them or to make their life more exciting than it is, it’s more than likely never going to last.

    Relationships are places of spiritual growth, and they can enhance an already happy life. Their purpose is not to make a miserable one better; that’s too much power to hand to any one person.

    Love is a place of pure positive energy. If someone has to put you down in order to try to keep you then that’s not love; it’s control. Control is based on a scarcity model of love, and that’s not positive energy; it’s fear-based.

    I have never understood it when people said that love isn’t enough. Love is always enough, but love is about loving actions, loving behavior. You can’t claim to love someone yet lie to them; the two things don’t match.

    So here are the five things I’ve learned from my past failed relationship.

    1. When someone cheats or mistreats you, it almost never has anything to do with you.

    You are good enough even when their actions may have you believe otherwise.

    2. Someone else’s bad behavior doesn’t reflect badly on you.

    Someone cheating on you doesn’t make you look silly. It highlights that they have issues they need to work on.

    3. Your value and worth aren’t tied to anyone or anything.

    Not your weight, relationship, or job.

    4. Love is never bad; love is amazing, pure and simple. Cheating hurts, lies hurt, being heartbroken hurts, but these things are not love.

    These cause pain, but cheating, lying, and hurting others are done out of fear, not out of love. Love is, in fact, the only thing that ever makes the pain better again, and you can start to love yourself today. Self-love depends on you alone.

    Set the standard for how people should love you by loving yourself wholeheartedly.

    5. Just because one relationship doesn’t work, that doesn’t mean the next one won’t.

    Don’t give up on love; give up on the people who made you think love wasn’t good.

    And always remember what Steve Marabolie wrote, “The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”

  • Bad Things Can Put Us on a Path to Wonderful Things

    Bad Things Can Put Us on a Path to Wonderful Things

    Bad Things

    Source: Lessons Learned in Life

  • Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    “Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

    If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

    We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we often get stuck in grief when something changes—a lay off, a breakup, or a transfer.

    We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

    In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

    When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important— letting go is letting happiness in.

    It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

    The best approach is to start simple, at the beginning, and work your way to Zen.

    Experiencing Without Attachment

    Accept the moment for what it is.

    Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it, because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

    Believe now is enough.

    It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

    Call yourself out.

    Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment—when you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

    Define yourself in fluid terms.

    We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment, because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

    Enjoy now fully.

    No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity; aim for quality instead. Attach to the idea of living well from moment to moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

    Letting Go of Attachment to People

    Friend yourself.

    It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people, not just how they make you feel about yourself.

    Go it alone sometimes.

    Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

    Hold lightly.

    This one isn’t just about releasing attachments; it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

    Interact with lots of people.

    If you limit yourself to one or two relationships, they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

    Justify less.

    I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

    Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

    Know you can’t change the past.

    Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

    Love instead of fearing.

    When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear—fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

    Make now count.

    Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

    Narrate calmly.

    How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

    Open your mind.

    We often cling to things, situations, or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations, and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

    Practice letting things be.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

    Question your attachment.

    If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job or the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

    Release the need to know.

    Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

    Serve your purpose now.

    You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

    Teach others.

    It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

    Understand that pain is unavoidable.

    No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    Vocalize your feelings.

    Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness, or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

    Write it down.

    Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

    Xie Xie.

    It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: It will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

    Yield to peace.

    The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

    Zen your now.

    Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

    It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s okay. It’s human nature.

    Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace, and love.

    The most important question: What do you choose right now?

    Jumping for joy image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Everyday Places Where You Can Find Presence

    5 Everyday Places Where You Can Find Presence

    Woman Meditating

    “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Presence. It’s something that used to be an absolute mystery to me.

    During my five years working in the fast-paced world of public relations, I was frequently running from one meeting to the next, nose in my cell phone, barely coming up for air and completely oblivious to the world around me.

    Little did I know, I was missing out on so many moments during my day where I could feel grounded, grateful, and present instead of stressed out and anxious.

    Today, life is much different. I strive to feel present on a daily basis, and while there are still moments where I’m challenged, I’ve found that with commitment and practice, it’s possible to weave small moments of mindfulness into my day.

    I love meditation, but mindfulness doesn’t always have to be closed-eyes, cross-legged experience, either. I’ve found it really helpful to tie my mindfulness practice to everyday activities.

    Here are five places where you can find presence as you go about your daily routine.

    Drinking your morning coffee

    It’s a fair assumption that we all look forward to our morning cup of joe—and as a Brit, I confess I am partial to a cup of tea first thing in the morning. This may not seem like the obvious place to create a spiritual practice, but it’s almost perfect.

    It’s one of the first things you do when you step out of bed and it sets the tone for your day. You can continue racing through this simple activity, if you wish, or you can set aside five minutes (set an alarm on your cell phone) and sit down with your coffee and just be.

    Leave your cell phone alone. Don’t check social media. Ignore your email. Just take in the flavors and aroma of your morning beverage and enjoy the moment.

    In the shower

    My absolute favorite morning ritual is a long shower, and it’s the perfect place to relax and be free. Left unchecked, however, this morning routine can provide a breeding ground for your mind racing through the day’s laundry list of tasks and ‘what ifs.’

    Bring your mind back into the present by becoming aware of the physical sensations of the water on your skin and the smell of the shampoo in your hair. Feel grateful that you have access to fresh, clean water. Breathe in. Relax.

    When you step out of the shower, you will feel rejuvenated not only physically, but in your mind and spirit, too.

    Commuting to work

    Traveling to the office doesn’t have to be a ho-hum activity; it can be an opportunity to fit in a mini-meditation. And granted, this does depend on which mode of transport you take to work and it typically fits a bus or train ride best.

    All you need to do is this—close your eyes and breathe deeply. It sounds simple, I know, but it makes the world of difference.

    If you’re driving, you will of course need to stay alert and aware at all times, so use this as your meditation. Turn off the radio, allow your thoughts to fall away, and simply focus on driving your car as you take in the sights and sensations around you. For me, driving feels incredibly grounding.

    Waiting in line

    Forever short on time during my PR days, I would rush to the bank during my lunch break and inevitably become stressed out at the sight of the long line. I would huff and puff, check my cell phone, and generally panic as I felt my heart rate increase and noticed beads of sweat form on my brow.

    It doesn’t have to be this way. Instead of feeling frustrated at the wait time, take it as an opportunity to relax. Look around you. Connect with your fellow human beings. Smile at the person in line next to you. It can be a simple and beautiful experience.

    During exercise

    I truly believe exercise is a spiritual practice, but if you’re attending a class at the gym after work, it’s so easy to let your mind race and mull over the events of the day and run through your to-do list for the evening.

    Instead, be mindful of which parts of your body you are working and focus on that. Bring your attention to your legs, your shoulders, the muscles in your back. Not only is this meditative, but it also helps bring focus to your workout and improve your form. It’s a win-win.

    —

    By applying these tips, you will invite presence into even the most mundane of daily chores. This not only transforms each moment an opportunity for stillness, it also helps you to be less stressed and more peaceful, no matter what is happening around you.

    Woman meditating image via Shutterstock

  • Kindness: The Most Valuable Gift

    Kindness: The Most Valuable Gift

    Kindness the Most Valuable Gift

  • Let It Go

    Let It Go

    Let It Go

    Source: Simple Reminders

  • Holiday Love Challenge #26: Leave a Positive Comment

    Holiday Love Challenge #26: Leave a Positive Comment

    Holiday Love Challenge #26

    Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

  • Being a Good Person

    Being a Good Person

    Being a Good Person

    Source: Lessons Taught by Life

  • Holiday Love Challenge #25: Tell Someone Their Presence Is the Best Gift

    Holiday Love Challenge #25: Tell Someone Their Presence Is the Best Gift

    Holiday Love Challenge #25

    Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

  • Holiday Love Challenge #24: Thank Someone for an Intangible Gift

    Holiday Love Challenge #24: Thank Someone for an Intangible Gift

    Holiday Love Challenge #24

    Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

  • 5 Unexpected Benefits of Being Friendly

    5 Unexpected Benefits of Being Friendly

    Smiling Gingerbread

    “A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.” ~Charles H. Spurgeon

    What are the benefits of being friendly? Some might argue that there aren’t many advantages to it. These people might even tell you that you should mind your own business instead of trying to please everyone.

    But is friendliness really just an attempt to please others? Is it really a sign of insecurity or even weakness?

    I believe friendliness is a sign of inner strength and balance.

    Just a year ago, I was confronted with an extremely negative person at work. At first, I believed she acted as she did because she was struggling with he burdens we all have to bear from time to time.

    I thought the problem would eventually resolve itself, but it didn’t. Only in retrospect I am beginning to understand that unresolved underlying pain could have influenced her behavior.

    Unfortunately, I didn’t consider this possibility back then. In my ignorance I assumed the worst of her, thinking her behavior was a cold and calculating attempt to manipulate everyone around her.

    I judged her based on her actions, without considering the underlying motives. She was igniting conflicts wherever she went, so I assumed she felt more comfortable in an unstable environment.

    Usually, I try to stay calm in situations like this. But there are some people who know exactly how to push your buttons. She was one of them.

    I had already decided to confront her when something unexpected happened. Apparently, she had found one of my colleagues’ sensitive spots, which led him to burst out yelling at her in front of our boss.

    Our boss wasn’t too happy about that, demanding my colleague take anger management training.

    The whole experience taught me an important lesson. It showed me that calmness and understanding are the only healthy options you have when you’re confronted with someone who’s dealing with underlying pain.

    Here’s what I learned about the advantages of being friendly.

    1. You can make a difference with friendliness.

    Sometimes it feels as if the world is filled with impolite or angry people. As a result of this misperception, we’ve learned to raise our shields to the maximum. Instead of being open to people we don’t know yet, we do our best to avoid the risk of being vulnerable.

    You can make a difference in this world by making the first step toward a potential relationship with others. Or, as Scott Berkun, former manager at Microsoft, has put it: “Initiating a positive exchange is a hallmark of a difference maker.”

    Just imagine what could have happened if I had the courage to make the first step with my not so polite colleague. It would have given me at least the chance of discovering the underlying cause of her behavior, and maybe even helping her.

    Instead, I was so preoccupied with defending myself that I didn’t even consider honest friendliness as a possible means to resolve the issue. This was the moment when I realized that I could only make a difference by being kind and helpful to other people.

    2. You’ll strengthen your willpower.

    Let’s face it, there will always be people who test your limits. It’s not easy to treat others with respect in such situations.

    We all know how difficult it can be to be kind to certain people. However, we shouldn’t use their misbehavior as an excuse to treat them just as badly.

    Allowing someone to make us behave impolitely only makes the situation worse. On the other hand, if we have the courage and willpower to keep our balance, we can contribute a great deal toward the easing of the situation.

    I experienced this firsthand, when my boss was yelling at me for a mistake I’d made. Instead of arguing at the same level of aggression, I chose to remain calm and tried to explain what had led to my mistake. Surprisingly, this not only helped calm him down, but it also helped me resolve the problem quickly.

    These are the situations that both test our limits and strengthen our willpower, if we choose not to give in to the temptation of treating others as they treat us.

    3. Good deeds add meaning to your life.

    Friendliness isn’t just about treating others with respect, it’s also about caring for others: You treat others friendly because you care about them and their well-being. You help others because you see yourself in them.

    Kindness doesn’t have to be limited to people we know. Instead, it’s the universal willingness to treat each individual the way we would like to be treated.

    Being friendly and helping others will add significance and meaning to your life. Knowing that you are helping to make this world a better place is one of the most rewarding experiences.

    4. It makes you feel good.

    Being friendly to others doesn’t just help them, it works in your favor as well. Friendliness will instantly boost your happiness.

    Whenever I’m being kind to another being, I feel good about myself.

    Just recently I was buying a train ticket at a vending machine when I noticed the man standing beside me at the other machine didn’t have enough change to pay for his ticket. He had already thrown in many coins, but seemed a little helpless when he realized that there weren’t enough in his wallet.

    I asked him if he needed more coins. It turned out that it wasn’t much, so I gave him what he needed.

    The man’s response truly warmed my heart. You could see the happiness and relief in his face, and that made me happy as well.

    5. It will likely come back to you.

    Should we be friendly just so that other people will reciprocate the favor in our time of need? I think that would be rather selfish. True kindness and friendliness can only be expressed when we let go of the need to gain something from it.

    Still, I believe that if you’re a genuinely friendly person, you’re more likely to be surrounded by people who are also friendly and accommodating. Kindness attracts kindness, just as rudeness often attracts rudeness.

    It really feels as if I receive that which I send out to another person. And that makes me feel appreciated, accepted, and respected for who I am.

    —

    We all face challenges, and it’s not always easy to be friendly and polite, but doing so can make a profound difference—for others and for ourselves.

    Gingerbread man and woman image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    Woman reading book

    “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent Van Gogh

    I attended an interesting event a few nights ago. It featured ten speakers who spoke for ten minutes each on ten things you should know before you die.

    The speakers included TV and film stars, CEOs, cover-shooting photojournalists, traveling journalists covering natural disasters, and HIV survivors. As you can imagine, there was a wide spectrum of perspectives shared.

    Here are a few of the lessons that stuck out for me. A lot of these can profoundly change your mindset, how you view the world, and how you choose to react to things. You just need to take a step back and put things into perspective, which leads us into our first one.

    1. Maintain perspective.

    A journalist told a story of how he traveled to Haiti after the devastating earthquake that hit them a few years back. In the capital of Port-au-Prince many of the homes had fallen apart, and people who already had nothing were now living in small plots of land in public squares in the city.

    The separations between each family’s plot were drawn in by hand, with tents and tarps set up overhead.
    In one particular plot was for a seven-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy.

    The speaker spoke a bit of Creole French and asked the people in neighboring tents which family these children were with. They replied, “That is the family.”

    The seven-year-old girl and one-year-old boy’s parents and older siblings had been killed. She was now responsible for this baby.

    This is where the notion of perspective comes in. The next time you’re upset at traffic, or someone is taking too long in the checkout line, or someone hasn’t texted you back quickly enough, take a step back and ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is this really worth being upset about?

    The book Unbroken drove this point home for me. Reading what this man went through quickly made me realize, if I were privileged to be born into a first world country (Canada) in the current peaceful time, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. A reminder to myself the next time Netflix is slow to load something…

    2. Take care of your health.

    Health is the gateway to happiness. If you are not living with your fullest energy and vibrancy, how can you expect to get the most from life?

    This was the main message from a middle-aged woman and entrepreneur who broke the status quo and went her own way in life, much to the dismay of her parents. She dropped out of school and traveled the world, falling into a few rough crowds on the journey and eventually settling in Toronto.

    There, she visited a local fresh juice place that ended up changing her life. She fell in love with how the juices made her feel and the energy they gave her, and ended up opening her own juice place called “Juice for Life” (which her Jewish parents hilariously thought was called “Jews for Life” at first). She’s now the founder and CEO of Fresh Restaurants chain in Toronto.

    Anyone who knows me knows health is massively important to me as well. I always pose the question: Is it not a bit crazy to think that people will spend more money on their car, their fashion, and accessories than they would on their body?

    Ask anyone with a serious illness what would they rather have; they all would give up everything they own to get healthy and undo the damage that was done.

    3. Be true to yourself and your calling.

    If you are living and doing something that doesn’t align with you, how can you ever be truly happy and enlightened?

    This was the main message from the founder of Yuk Yuk’s comedy club, a popular spot in Toronto.

    You can imagine the reaction he got from his friends and family when he told them he wanted to enter the comedy business. This was his passion, however, and he knew from experience that if he was doing something different, he would rarely be at peace or be inspired.

    When you find something that aligns and resonates with you, you will know it from the energy it gives you.

    The Vincent Van Gogh quotes sums the message here up quite nicely: Would you rather die of passion or of boredom?

    4. Don’t be afraid to stand out.

    When you go your own way and make your own path, you alone write your legacy.

    This was the motto of a female photojournalist who spoke to us. She joined the world of journalism in the sixties and seventies, when it was completely dominated by men. She was different from what was considered the norm and despite ridicule, sexist remarks, and being seen as lower, she used it to her advantage.

    Being shorter than the male photographers, she was always in front of the pack, allowing her to capture some of the closest, most personal photos. She became one of the first females to have their photos published on the cover of multiple well know magazines, and went on to be the prime journalist covering Terry Fox’s run across Canada.

    It is your inherent right to challenge the status quo. Never be afraid to forge your own destiny due to the thoughts of others. People may laugh at you because you are different. You could pack up and quit here, or you could feel sorry for them because they are all the same.

    As well, never be afraid to challenge why things are the way they are. After all, this is the very question that has forged almost all innovation mankind has ever done.

    5. Don’t play the victim.

    As I mentioned earlier, one of the speakers was a girl born with HIV. She was abandoned by her parents and adopted by a supporting family with nine other adopted children.

    Her new family took her in with love and put her through school like a normal child. But when the other children’s parents found out she had HIV, it was no longer normal. They refused to invite her over to birthday parties and sleepovers and forbade their children from being friends with her.

    She could have closed up and felt angry at the world, but instead she took a position of power and action. Now in her late teens, she has spoken globally, on major TV networks and YouTube, to educate the world on HIV and how ridiculous it is to “ban” your kids from socializing with someone who has it.

    Many people constantly place blame on everything and everyone and make themselves a victim. Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I make more money? Why am I stuck at this job?

    The world doesn’t owe you anything; you were not born a victim. Yet when you look around how many people do you find complaining about their situation but not taking any action or effort to improve it?

    The world gives you so much to work with if you work with it and put in the effort.

    6. Re-direct your energy.

    An actress told her story of failed audition after failed audition while witnessing other people’s success. She knew she could have gotten caught in the negative energy of envy and blame—upset that others were getting roles, getting paid more, or traveling more.

    She didn’t go this way, though; she knew envy can be channeled into focus and motivation.

    The lesson in here is quite simple. Instead of wasting energy being angry, envious, or jealous of those with more success, redirect that energy and ask, “What can I learn from this person to improve my own life?”

    As a result of doing this, she re-auditioned for a part she hadn’t received and was so motivated she ended up blowing them away and getting the role on the spot.

    7. Give your attention.

    One of the speakers began his talk with a severe stutter. The energetic crowd grew quiet, not knowing how to react. He then switched to a more fluent voice and told the audience he suffered with this stutter for the first twenty years of his life.

    When he was a young teen, he worked at one of Vidal Sassoon’s salons, doing odd behind the scenes jobs where he didn’t need to speak, like sweeping and tidying up after customers. Most people didn’t give him the time of day or would mock his difficulty in speaking.

    One day it was announced that Vidal Sassoon himself, the CEO, was coming to visit their Salon. Vidal made a point to meet with everyone, from the highest manager to the ones attending to the cut hair on the floor.

    When he approached the young boy, he asked what his name was. The boy tried to respond but was too nervous, and his stutter was so severe that he just could not get his name out. Vidal smiled, crouched down in front of him, and said “It’s okay, son, I have all the time in the world.”

    The greatest gift you can give someone is your attention. Never allow yourself to get in the mindset that people are “below you,” because even the smallest conversation can make someone’s day. People will forget many things, but they will always remember how others made them feel.

    —

    Imagine a world where everyone learned the lessons above from a young age. It’s possible, but starts with each of us.

    Woman reading image via Shutterstock

  • Holiday Love Challenge #23: My Way Isn’t Right

    Holiday Love Challenge #23: My Way Isn’t Right

    Holiday Love Challenge #23

    Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

  • People Who Judge You by Your Past

    People Who Judge You by Your Past

    People Who Judge You by Your Past

    Source: Project Happiness

  • What Are You Practicing—Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

    What Are You Practicing—Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

    Woman with heart hands

    “You are what you practice most.” ~Richard Carlson

    “What are you practicing?” she asked in a gentle, lilting voice.

    The entire class was in triangle pose, and at that moment I was comparing my triangle to the young woman’s right next to mine, scolding myself for wobbling out of the pose and simultaneously harassing myself for not being “further along” in my career. (Because if you’re going to hate on yourself, my motto is GO BIG.)

    “Are you practicing judgment or comparison?” she tenderly probed.

    “WTF!” I thought. “Does this woman have a direct line to my brain?”

    “Are you practicing worry or blame?” she continued. “Perhaps you’re practicing patience and love. Notice what you’re practicing and know that you become what you practice. What you practice is what you live.”

    DAMN IT!

    I was three days into a five-day yoga retreat and I was far from blissed out. In fact, I had deftly managed to tie myself into a knot of comparison, self-doubt, judgment, confusion, shame, and embarrassment.

    With my inner critic having hijacked my brain I was a total wreck, and caught myself, more than once, crying through one of the two yoga classes I took each day.

    I should also mention I was pissed to be spending days of supposed relaxation and inner communion bumping up against every old demon that laid buried within me. Not a productive use of time, and if there’s anything I hate, it’s feeling unproductive.

    I had gone on the yoga retreat (my first ever, and a huge indulgence according to my inner critic) for a good dose of soul care. I was craving reconnection badly and knew an idyllic yoga retreat in the Berkshire mountains was just what I needed to come back to myself. Little did I expect that to get to that reconnection, I first had to wade through a number of stinky layers of self-perpetuated crap.

    And so there I was, wobbling in and out of triangle pose, in full blown comparison mode and hating on myself for not having written a book yet, for not being on SuperSoul Sunday, and for most certainly not being Zen during a yoga class.

    And then her soft words plucked me out of my maelstrom of negativity.

    “What are you practicing?”

    I took a breath.

    And then another, letting the fresh oxygen pulse through me.

    I took another, solidified my stance, stretched more deeply into the pose, and faced all I was practicing.

    I let the comparison and self-doubt wash over me. Let the judgment and shame flow. Let the embarrassment of this entire emotional debacle be there without feeling bad for feeling any of it.

    In the breath I found that I wasn’t practicing the negative feelings and old stories. I was experiencing them. What I was practicing in feeling them (without kicking myself for experiencing them) was compassion.

    I let the compassion grow, filling every edge of my body, and watched it morph. First into curiosity for my feelings, then acknowledgement for my pained state, and then into deep love for myself for finding kindness where there had originally only been gripped anger and a cold heart.

    What I found in the instructor’s question was this: I can experience any number of painful thoughts and feelings, and in approaching them with compassion, it’s compassion I’m practicing, not negativity.

    I wish I could tell you with that realization my struggle ended, my demons were forever released, and I quickly became the blissed out, wise yogini I had wanted to be at the start of my retreat.

    Not so much.

    It took another few days (and will probably take the rest of my life) to continually soften, to come back to the breath, and to remember to practice compassion.

    But what her question did do was loosen the knot.

    It created space to find compassion where there had originally been none. It sparked the sloughing off of old layers, the questioning of painful stories, and the unfurling of my most sacred knowing to allow me to reconnect with myself.

    “What are you practicing” is a brave question, as it often brings us face to face with the uncomfortable emotional space we’re in. And yet, it’s in letting ourselves ask the question and getting curious about it that a crack is made for compassion to squeeze through.

    The next time you catch yourself in a maelstrom of comparison, anger, self-doubt, worry, or judgment, take a breath and ask, “What am I practicing?” Be gentle with what comes up (no judging yourself for being judgmental) and notice if in embracing your experience with tenderness, compassion has a chance to blossom.

    Know this: It’s impossible to practice love and patience all the time. That kind of every-second-of-every-day bliss was not built into us humans. We suffer, and that’s okay.

    And when we can be compassionate with ourselves when we’re practicing things other than love, our heart softens, our grip loosens, and suddenly we have a greater access to the love we were seeking all along.

    Woman with heart hands image via Shutterstock

  • What to Do When Your Partner Disappoints or Frustrates You

    What to Do When Your Partner Disappoints or Frustrates You

    Upset Couple

    “Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown

    We are wired to seek “the right one,” the ever-supportive partner, and the loving relationship.

    If we get all three, it’s like winning the lottery of life. When we meet someone, we dream of him/her being our soul mate. When we are in a relationship, we hope they’ll love and support us unconditionally, and the relationship will be loving and everlasting.

    That would be the ideal world, and, unfortunately, the ideal world isn’t the one we live in.

    It took me a divorce and a few failed relationships to learn what real love is. Strong, lasting love is not being with “the right one” or being in a relationship that is effortlessly wonderful all the time. That’s a disempowering way of living, just like waiting for life to be perfect.

    I came to understand that true love is a daily commitment to make the relationship great by being loving and attentive in our action and our words.

    With the exception of cases whereby our partner is purposefully being physically/verbally abusive or emotionally manipulative, to love is to commit to being loving even when our partner unintentionally disappoints, frustrates, or hurt us.

    On days when it’s difficult to fulfill this commitment, I apply these five steps and they help me avoid getting caught up in passive-aggressive spirals with my partner.

    1. Get real and see the whole picture.

    When our partner lets us down, it can hurt so bad that we become blinded from everything else that matters.

    In defense of our wounded ego, we overreact by blowing the issue out of proportion and getting argumentative beyond reason. Our logic gets hijacked and we forget to see the whole picture—that in most cases, what we fight about isn’t truly important.

    During times like these, I ask myself, “Is it the end of the world, or the relationship, that this problem happened because of his insensitivity/immaturity/irresponsibility? Or is it a passing storm that ravages, but we can rebuild from there and learn lessons for the future?”

    2. Dig out the “I am loved” list.

    Reason flies out the window of our mind whenever we’re in pain or experiencing rage. Our mind focuses on how we’re being victimized and blacks out the times when our partners acted lovingly toward us.

    Whenever I find myself reacting like this, I dig deep in my “I am loved” list. It’s a list I keep of all the big and small loving things my partner regularly does and recently did for me.

    For instance, I may recall that when I was feeling stressed and exhausted, despite finishing work late himself, he traveled a long way to my place, got me dinner, went grocery shopping, and stocked my fridge with my favorite nourishing food items.

    I’ll also recall the regular acts of love he does, such as texting me first thing after he wakes up and last thing before he goes to bed each day, getting me coffee in bed, giving me massages when I’ve been working long hours, and cheering me up whenever I feel down.

    3. Picture his/her plate and realize how full/heavy it is.

    In the ideal scenario, our partner is loving, caring, attentive, and affectionate 24/7. That said, it’s easy to be so when we are not bounded by life’s stresses, problems, and burdens.

    Whenever my partner is acting in an unloving way, I try to counter my feelings of anger, hurt, and disappointment by putting myself in his shoes and picturing the responsibilities, issues, and worries that are in his life at that point.

    This simple exercise helps me see things from his perspective and enables me to be understanding on days when he isn’t able to act in ways a “good” partner would. Instead of focusing on how he can be loving toward me, this practice gives me the opportunity to identify how I can be loving and supportive of him.

    4. Get aware of how your response perpetuates your partner’s unloving behavior.

    It takes two hands to clap. When our partner isn’t being loving, the ego’s response is to think, “I don’t deserve this, so I’m going to retaliate and claim back my power.” Such a reaction only traps us in a lose-lose cycle.

    We pit ourselves against each other, when deep down all we want is to feel that our partner cherishes us and is on our side as our biggest supporter.

    Whenever I feel tempted to react negatively, I take a deep breath and direct my thoughts to how I can break the vicious cycle. I’ll ask myself, “How can I communicate my boundaries on unacceptable behavior without angry words of blame, judgment, and criticism?”

    The challenge is to swap the unconstructive reflex of finger pointing with the constructive practice of educating our partners on the right way to treat us.

    5. Be loving, but keep healthy expectations and boundaries.

    While it’s important to be the right person in a relationship, rather than wait for one, it’s critical that we maintain firm boundaries. Being loving should not happen at the expense of our sense of self-worth.

    It’s healthy to expect our partners to treat us with respect, to prioritize us, to communicate their feelings to us, and to show appreciation. When our partners start to take us for granted, we need to communicate in a firm but non-confrontational way that we will not accept that behavior.

    —

    How do you respond when your partner is acting in unkind and unloving ways? Do you think these tips could help?

    Upset couple image via Shutterstock

  • Holiday Love Challenge #22: Cut Yourself Some Slack

    Holiday Love Challenge #22: Cut Yourself Some Slack

    Holiday Love Challenge #22

    Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

  • Your Presence Is the Best Gift

    Your Presence Is the Best Gift

    Your Presence

  • The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

    The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

    Listening

    “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    If I’m honest, I don’t think I listened to another person until I was in my thirties. I wasn’t really listening, not completely. It’s not that I’m super selfish or vain; I was just so busy doing the mental gymnastics that I thought I had to do to keep up in conversations that I missed what was actually being said to me.

    I grew up in a family where it felt like nearly everything that was said had another, unspoken meaning. I remember feeling really confused as a child, not sure why the things that were said to other people were so different from what I’d heard in private and why what was said was not always what ultimately happened.

    There was definitely an element of “do as I say and no as I do” in there, but it was more than that too. It was like there was a hint of secrecy underneath those conversations. Even though I couldn’t articulate it or understand it at the time, I certainly remember that I felt it, and that it had a big impact on me.

    I often felt like there was something else that wasn’t being said, and that if I could just figure out what that something was, all the pieces would fit together and everything would finally make sense.

    This created so much uncertainty for me: Why wasn’t I good enough and trustworthy enough to be told? Why did they think I wasn’t I strong enough to handle it? Why wasn’t I smart enough to figure this out?

    In the end, I never could make all those pieces fit, even after years and years of trying. Now, looking back on those experiences and those messages I got while I was growing up, I can see what happened instead was that I developed some very unhealthy habits and beliefs about people and the world.

    I learned to be hypersensitive to other people and their emotions, and perfectionism took over all areas of my life. I was just a kid, but I was trying so hard to read other people’s minds, interpret and analyze their words, and to prepare myself (mostly through endless worrying) for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

    Let’s skip a few of the messy middle bits where I failed miserably at perfectionism and mind reading (and I’m so grateful that I did!) Fast forward to me as a grown up, having kids of my own, to me loving them so fiercely and wanting to always be able to communicate with them, no matter what.

    So I did what anyone in my situation would do—I searched desperately for someone to tell me what to do; I googled, I read self-help books, and did coaching and counselling. All that helped bit by bit, but it wasn’t quite enough.

    It wasn’t quite the right fit for me and I needed to figure out a way to make it my own. Thankfully, kids start out as babies, so I had a bit of time to try out a bunch of different things and put my own unique spin on what I’d been learning about before my kids started having bigger, more complicated emotions and asking me Why? all the time.

    I’ve done all kinds of self-development work around mindfulness, forgiveness, and gratitude, which has given me a new appreciation for my family, for those skills I learned in childhood, and for my own sensitivity. After all, they’re part of what makes me really good at helping people and at being an amazing parent, wife, and friend.

    Even though I was able to change a lot of my old beliefs, the way I was communicating, and the way I was parenting my own kids, it still took me a really long time and a lot of practice to learn to trust that what people say is what they mean.

    It turns out that this practice is an actual practice. It’s called “literal listening,” which may sound all fancy, but it’s really quite simple and you don’t need anything special to do it—just another person who is talking and some patience.

    Basically, when you’re having a conversation, you focus on the actual words that the other person is saying and respond to them from a place of sincere belief that this is what they actually mean.

    Definitely try this out with your partner, if you have one, and your kids! It might feel a bit strange or difficult at first, but it’s a much simpler way of relating to other people and it’s totally worth putting in the effort to learn.

    Just listen. Listen to the words that are being said to you. And ask yourself, What is the literal meaning of these words? If I believed these words are true, how would I respond?

    The caveat: People don’t always know how they feel, what they need, or what to say. Sometimes, for any number of reasons, they choose to be extra careful or extra vague with their words. And sometimes, no matter how sincere your efforts at literal listening are, there are other unspoken things going on underneath their words.

    The truth is, listening and understanding will never be exact; language is messy and words are shaped by individual experiences. But it can get so much better, and this is the way!

    So, if you find yourself stuck, or if you’re having trouble following the other person’s literal meaning, just ask. Ask for clarification, ask for more information, or ask them to repeat what they’ve said. The other person will be so happy you cared enough to ask, and then you can practice your literal listening skills on whatever they say next.

    When I first started doing this with my husband and kids, I had to explain that I needed more concrete responses from them (it’s really hard to work with grunts, maybes, and I don’t knows!) and sometimes even ask them to explain things to me again, using different words.

    I also have a few things I started saying to them over and over: I trust that what you say is what you mean (because I really do!), I don’t know anything you don’t tell me (because I really don’t and guessing gets us nowhere!) and I’m not upset, I just need more information from you (because asking for an explanation can sometimes leave the other person feeling like you’re trying to start an argument).

    With practice, you’ll realize you no longer have to try to read between the lines, guess at the other person’s ulterior motives, or mind read. And that you can let go of trying to squeeze that one conversation or one sentence into the context of an entire relationship, let go of holding on to the past, and let go of all that judging, second guessing, and over analyzing.

    There’s an extra added bonus too: You’ll also start to notice that you trust yourself more, because you’ll learn to say what you actually mean too. You’ll start to communicate more clearly and confidently, and other people will notice (and probably thank you for not expecting them to read your mind like everyone else does!)

    Just think about how much time and mental energy you could save by using literal listening—not to mention how much more honest and trustworthy the other person will feel and how much more safe and certain you will feel.

    Let’s be real here, I’m not saying literal listening is going to fix every communication problem you’ve ever had and that you’ll never be upset or disappointed by someone else again. You are, after all, a human being talking to other human beings and we’re all beautifully complicated and sometimes changeable.

    What I’m saying is, we all have hundreds of little exchanges and conversations every day, so give literal listening a try. Try it today with the next person you talk to. You have nothing to lose, no one will ever know you’re doing it, and it will absolutely change your relationships for the better.

    Listening image via Shutterstock

  • Holiday Love Challenge #21: Give the Gift of Forgiveness

    Holiday Love Challenge #21: Give the Gift of Forgiveness

    Holiday Love Challenge #21

    Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.