Tag: wisdom

The Secret Laid-Back, Always-Happy Guy Knows That You Don’t
“Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln

Have you ever wondered, “How is that guy always so laid back and freaking happy all the time, no matter what is going on around him?”

It might be a co-worker, a friend, or a family member, but almost everyone has somebody whose baseline level of happiness is just higher than almost everyone else.

I certainly do. Although I have known a few people that fall into this category, the one that stands out most is a friend I met my freshman year in college in my dorm. I’ll call him Andy.

Andy smiled all the time. A huge smile. Raining outside, smiling. Test didn’t go that well, smiling. From the moment I met him, he gave a big handshake with an equally big and goofy smile. When I picture Andy, I always picture him smiling.

It was certainly annoying at times. When I wanted to brood over a test gone bad or a girl I couldn’t get to notice me, smiling Andy made it nearly impossible. But I mostly just wanted to know why he was always so happy so I could be annoyingly cheery too.

Is Andy and the rest of his ilk just delusional?

No, (at least not exactly), they actually know something you don’t, and I’m going to let you in on it. But first, let’s talk about you.

How are things? Things are . . . fine.

If you are like the vast majority of us, your baseline is that things are generally “fine.” You probably could have slept a little longer, but waking up wasn’t terrible. You could eat better, but you do okay. You don’t particularly love your job, but it could be worse.

All that is normal. Right?

Probably, but that doesn’t really mean it’s good. In fact, considering the general happiness level of the average person isn’t particularly high, normal is probably not what you are looking for.

The problem is that while “fine” and “normal” aren’t exactly the “big hairy goals” that everyone likes to talk about, they don’t hurt either.

“Fine” and “normal” are comfortable. Your basic needs are met and, at this point, it happens with almost no intentional engagement from you:

You wake up, get ready, go to work, do some stuff, waste some time, do some more stuff, go home, watch TV, go to bed, repeat.

You might have some exercise thrown in here and there. You hang out with your friends, your significant other, or your kids. But most days look pretty similar to this.

Which is fine.

Except when your time on this planet is over, you don’t want “fine” to be the best description of your life.

You want something more.

Okay, so how to do you get it?

What does that guy know that you don’t? Let’s look closer at the happy guy. What’s his take on life?

Fine isn’t it. He thinks life is great, awesome, brilliant, and extraordinary. And he’s right.

And that’s the secret.

Yes, I realize this seems way too simple. But that’s really it.

His story is different than most of ours.

I don’t mean he lies to himself about what happens day to day. And I don’t mean bad stuff doesn’t happen to him that makes him sad, angry, or annoyed. I mean he gives each moment a different meaning than rest of us.

When he wakes up, he views the day as an opportunity. An opportunity to grow, to create greater connections, to have experiences, to be excellent, and to serve others.

Today is not a rinse and repeat of yesterday or of tomorrow. It is its own thing. And whatever it brings will be particular to it, and that is awesome.

So happy guy attacks the day with an inquisitive mind, curious to see what it will bring and what he can get from it.

That mindset bleeds into the rest of his day. And it has two big effects on how he lives it:

He has perspective—little things don’t bother him, they are just things to observe and move on from. So, the coffee spill, the one-day-delay on the report, or the guy that honked at him at the light, none of it bothers him. He recognizes what matters and what doesn’t.

He rarely, if ever, sees the events of the day as a sign that things are going to end badly. He almost always believes that, while the path may not be clear and may have twists and turns, everything will work out.

It isn’t because he is just blindly optimistic, it’s because he views everything as an opportunity to grow, learn, and move forward.

And when everything that happens gets you a step closer to where you want to go, you can’t help but believe you are moving toward your desired outcome; it’s the only logical conclusion.

How you can become that happy person that confuses everyone?

1. Daily smile scavenger hunt (may sound corny, but it works).

Every day, find five things that make you smile, and do it as soon as you can. Write down what time you hit number five. Try to break your personal best every day. Look at each day as an opportunity to win this game with yourself.

Why does this matter: You will increase your ability to recognize the little things that make you happy, the things that we mostly overlook in the rush to get to this place or to do that thing.

And, after a while, it won’t stop at five. You will keep doing it all day long habitually.

And this will get you in a mindset that better prepares you to deal with the guy that honks at you or the person that drinks the last of the coffee without making a new pot. It will give you perspective.

For example, here are my five things from today:
- A text message I woke up to from a friend asking about a new restaurant to take his wife to for her birthday (I enjoyed helping him out)
- Finding the pair of socks I took out last night (my feet were cold this morning)
- Using my new coffee grinder to make coffee this morning
- Chatting with a friend before starting my workout
- Seeing my wife and son pull into the parking lot of the restaurant we met at for breakfast. 8:58am. Boom.
2. Cheat and rig the game of life to win early.

Like I mentioned before, a huge piece of why some people that have a happier baseline is that they view the world optimistically.

To start gaining that mindset, and have it carry through your day, it’s critical to get early wins and, almost more importantly, avoid early failures.

Yes, I said avoid failures. Does this mean run scared from all challenges before noon? Absolutely not.

What I mean is, don’t set yourself up to fail from the start of the day.

So if you know you are terrible at getting up early, don’t tell yourself that getting up early is the only way you can make the change you want to make.

If you struggle to get up at 7:00am or 8:00am, getting up when it’s dark at 5:00am to do something that you likely view as hard probably isn’t going to work. You’re setting yourself up to fail, and what’s worse, you’re doing it to start your day.

If you do that, you will probably drag yourself up at 7:30 or whatever time, and you will have already missed two goals for your day, getting up at 5:00am and whatever the thing you wanted to do when you got up was.

So you view the day as a failure before you even start it. Now when challenges happen throughout your day, you are far more likely to view them as difficult, overwhelming, and generally pessimistically because your mindset is that the day is a failure.

So don’t do that.

Instead, set yourself up to win in the morning. Set your goal as something that doesn’t take a mountain of will power right from the start.

And then, rig the game.

Whatever you are trying to change, do your work the night before so that in the morning, you are destined to win.

For example, let’s say you want to eat breakfast at home instead of picking up some unhealthy food on the way in to work or eating a muffin or donut once you get there. Prepare the breakfast the night before, so that all you have to do is eat it, or at a minimum warm it up.

For example, for me, a healthy breakfast is coffee, eggs, and a side of avocado.

So, to set myself up for success, the night before I can get the coffee maker ready to go, crack a couple eggs, scramble them, cover them up, and then pop them in the fridge.

In the morning, all I have to do is turn on the coffee maker, toss some butter in a pan and pour the eggs in, and, in the two or three minutes it takes the eggs to cook, get some avocado. Five minutes total, and I have a healthy breakfast. Easy peasy.

But if I started from scratch, the whole process would take longer, which in my mind would mean I have to wake up earlier or leave the house later to do it. Neither of which sound like great options, so I would likely just skip it. Thus, starting the day with a failure.

Why does this matter?

Getting that win early frames your day. It makes your story about winning and gives you momentum. You will begin to view things less as a hindrance, and more as opportunities to keep winning, to grow, to move toward your goals.

And combining winning each moment with a more attuned sense of the little things that make you smile will make you much less likely to spend so much energy getting riled up about little things that used to annoy you and much more likely to have an optimistic view about how things will turn out.

And soon you will be that happy person that confuses everyone.

And “fine” will no longer be sufficient to describe your life.

Get started now!

Think back on today, what are the first five things that made you smile and what time, approximately, did the fifth one happen? Put your time in the comments. Can you beat my 8:58am?

Happy guy image via Shutterstock
January 17, 2016
How to Draw Your Own Happiness Map & Follow It to Bliss

“Happiness is a direction, not a place.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Cars played a big part in my life growing up in Southern California. As a kid, there was a succession of crappy old station wagons that routinely broke down on the highway because we couldn’t afford anything better.

I remember Dad standing helplessly outside in traffic as drivers slowed down to gawk at us, then sped up as they drove on into their lives.

And the rusted green ’42 Chevy pickup truck my grandfather taught me to drive years before it was legal to do so, gears grinding when I missed the shift. My legs weren’t quite long enough to get the pedal all the way to the floor.

“Lookin’ for the Heart of Saturday Night”

In high school, I was enamored with the low-riders cruising up and down the boulevards, “lookin’ for the heart of Saturday night,” as Tom Waits so poignantly wrote in his song.

You know, lots of hairspray holding up very big hair? Black eyeliner with perfectly executed tails? Carefully cultivated coolness? Like that.

Then there was the older boy, already out of high school and working … a grown-up. He drove a ’67 Chevy Impala SuperSport, with baby blue metallic paint that matched my eyes. I ended up marrying him.

Before long, though, I realized I needed my own car, my own life. To have those things, I needed to understand what made me happy.

Believe me, when I was growing up, we did not sit around the kitchen table talking about being happy or fulfilled as we ate tuna casserole mixed with Campbell’s mushroom soup, salty Lay’s potato chips crumbled on top.

Top-Notch People-Pleaser

Martin Seligman, Ph.D., says that, “Authentic happiness comes from identifying and cultivating your most fundamental strengths and using them every day in work, love, play, and parenting.”

My problem? Way too many of my “strengths” were filtered through lenses that didn’t belong to me. Rather, those strengths had been projected onto me by my parents, teachers, and a culture that molds people-pleasing little girls into supportive, one-step-behind young women.

Things like top-notch people-pleaser, knows how to keep quiet, does her work on time, never complains weren’t going to get me where I wanted to go.

I needed to learn how to draw my own happiness map, and follow it. Here’s what I learned.

How to Draw Your Happiness Map

1. You’ve got to know something about who you are, and what lights you up.

Get some objective feedback on your strengths, talents, and gifts, using free tools such as the University of Pennsylvania’s happiness questionnaire and Strengths Finder.

2. Use mindfulness to remember who you are, and what lights you up.

I love writing, sharing my experiences, helping others; it’s part of my happiness map.

You may love something entirely different. Great! It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you’re reaching for your stars.

There’s a lot of magic and plenty of miracles every day, if we only remember to look for them.

Developing a simple mindful practice helps set the compass point of your personal happiness map in the direction of what matters to you, what you’re willing to work for, who and what you want to love, and why.

Tara Brach has an incredible mindfulness meditation website—lots of free guided meditations and talks.

3. Try expressive writing to explore what you don’t want/doesn’t feel good.

Find a local writing group that focuses on personal narrative/healing; try Julia Cameron’s famous Morning Pages; do some personal writing work with me.

Sometimes it’s easiest to begin a trip knowing where you don’t want to go. What doesn’t feel good. What (or who) feels like sandpaper against your skin?

The guy with that ’67 Chevy Impala SuperSport? It didn’t work out.

Back then, with no self-awareness or insight, all I knew how to do was blindly grab for what everyone else said I should want. That usually doesn’t work out very well.

4. Use your brain.

All the fantastic neuroscience findings show us how to consciously use our brains to turn thoughts, attention, and choices toward the direction of happiness.

I am not those early messages of shame directed at a poor family with too many kids in beat-up cars.

You are not your thoughts or your emotions. Focusing on what lights you up keeps re-setting your brain for the positive instead of hanging out in its default negativity bias.

Watch this short Youtube video with my favorite neuropsychologist, Dr. Rick Hanson, as he talks about how to re-wire for positive experiences.

5. Let yourself love what you love, as poet Mary Oliver invites us to do.

That’s the direction of your happiness: not your mother’s, not your friends, not what your ego is telling yourself you’re supposed to be doing.

This is how I end up hosting a popular weekly public radio show. I mean, who knew?! Not me … not ‘till I learned to let myself love what I love.

A terrifically fun way to do this is to take five minutes before you get of bed, every morning, and watch the movie in your mind called “My Perfect Life.”

In your imagination, see what your room looks like. What’s the view from the window? Who’s next to you in bed? When you get up, what does your home look like? Where is it? How does it smell? What sounds do you hear?

What are you doing that day? What are you doing next month? In six months? How do you feel?

6. Give yourself permission to be human, to be messy.

Honestly, this one can be pretty hard. Those of us who are perfectionists, or like me, who’ve experienced trauma that caused us to do whatever it took to feel safe in the world, well, we need to re-learn a lot of stuff.

It’s okay that life is messy. It’s okay that we take wrong turns all the time, even get lost once in a while.

It’s okay that we’re still learning how to do it better, or make a different choice. As a beloved friend said recently, “Don’t let perfection get in the way of what’s good.”

7. Remind yourself often that happiness is a direction.

You’re the one drawing the map. You’re in the driver’s seat.

I mean, how wonderful is it to be driving down the road, windows down, music turned up, feeling into the peace and freedom of simply being alive?

We all know it isn’t always easy. That sometimes, it’s a lot of work. Is it worth it, though? Oh my goodness, yes!

Yes, it’s important to get where you need to get, to accomplish goals and attain competency. It’s equally important, as well, to enjoy the journey. To be grateful for this amazing ride called life.

And if you change your mind, and decide to take the interstate instead of the dusty dirt road, that’s cool. Why? Because it’s your life, and you’re in charge.

Taking responsibility for your choices is just about the coolest thing ever. (Almost as cool as my hair looked back in the day, cruising with Eddie.)

8. Once you’ve drawn your happiness map, you now get to start traveling.

Using your newfound self-insights, a five-minute daily practice of envisioning your most perfect life ever, and a map (maybe even an actual one), you begin making different choices.

Do you say no to a couple of commitments and/or people? Choose to take the very first thirty minutes of your day to write instead of check emails? Give yourself an hour of no-tube-time after work, and do one thing that feels good, just because it does, like yoga or taking a community college class?

It’s all Good

I’ve had my own car for many years now. I’m living my life on my terms, always heading in the direction of happiness. Yes, I’ve had a few flat tires, and took a couple of back roads that went nowhere. Ended up at the edge of a cliff more than once. That’s okay.

Flat tires can be changed. Back roads are lovely. Put the car in reverse, and back up, away from the cliff edges.

Pay attention. Be gentle. From that place, you can begin making better choices. As my son says, “It’s all good.”

If you’re draining your energy and power, giving it away to people/ideas/choices that do not nurture you, just notice that. And start making different choices.

Because, if you’re moving in the direction of happiness, you will absolutely, totally, no doubt about it start feeling more fulfilled, more peaceful, and happier.

Little girls with map image via Shutterstock

January 17, 2016
The World Is Filled with Nice People

Source: Natural Life

January 17, 2016
It’s Not Selfish to Do What’s Best for You

Source: Spirit Science

January 17, 2016
Never Apologize for Being Sensitive

Source: Healthy Place

January 16, 2016
Stop Thinking So Much

Source: Positive Energy+

January 15, 2016
You Are Richer Than You Think

Source: Collective Evolution

January 15, 2016
Being a Successful Person

Source: Live Life Happy

January 15, 2016
A Relaxing Yoga Practice for People with High Stress and Low Energy

“We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden.” ~Goethe

Nine years ago after I had my twins, I was eager to get back into a routine of a weekly yoga class and daily home practice. However, I didn’t account for the soul-sapping fatigue I felt as a new sleep-deprived mum!

I simply did not have the energy or ability to leave the house for a satisfying active class. And truly, I did not want to venture far from my precious babes.

That’s when I discovered a soothing style of yoga that met me exactly where I was. I could do it at home, using equipment that I already had, and it made me feel refreshed and pampered.

I fell in love with restorative yoga—a deliciously yummy practice where I could gently move my tired body, but with the support of comfortable props to help me feel completely supported, beautifully nurtured, and best of all, deeply rested.

As soon as my babes slept, I would clear the floor, gather some props, and sink into a few slow, rejuvenating poses.

As an avid yoga practitioner and instructor, I had a variety of specialty yoga props at hand—cork blocks, bolsters, and blankets. However, not wanting to miss my chance for some downtime, I would often improvise with whatever lay around, grabbing sofa cushions and towels to use as a bolster, a stack of small books wrapped in a pillowcase for a block, and a clean sock to place over my eyes.

Even if I could spend just five minutes in a pose every other day this time became invaluable. It was time just for me. With every melting moment I could feel some of the resentment from having so little time to myself slip away. I would emerge rested and (mostly!) ready to begin again, feeling great at having moved my body.

Restorative yoga is the super chilled-out member of the yoga family. This slow, passive practice combines the elements of time, warmth, comfort, support, and soft light to create a sequence accessible to most bodies and trigger the body’s natural healing responses.

Just as an active yoga practice, a good restorative sequence aims to mobilize the spine, moving it backward, forward, laterally, and in a twisting motion.

What make restorative yoga poses different to its more vigorous cousins are the longer holds (five to thirty minutes) and the use of props to cradle and hold the body in position.

There’s no physical effort required; instead, blankets, pillows, bolsters, and blocks serve as a nurturing landing pad into which tired, achy bodies can dissolve.

The longer timings and supports encourage tight muscles to let go and mental tensions to ease. Warmth is also important; as the body relaxes it cools down, so it’s a good idea to cover up with a blanket in the poses. Soft lighting also encourages relaxation. Draping an eye-pillow or washcloth over the eyes can further soften tensions around the eyes and reduce visual stimulation.

When we’re relaxed, the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system switches on and begins the job of healing and restoring the body. In this rest-and-digest mode, the heart and respiration rates slow, busy thoughts subside, and a wonderful pause descends over body and mind.

This delivers a much needed mini-break from the usual busy-ness of life, where the sympathetic or fight-and-flight mode of the nervous system can be habitually stuck in overdrive. Too much time here can cause stress, which could lead to negative states such as anxiety, sleeplessness, or adrenal fatigue.

Ready to sample a restorative a pose or two?

Start by gathering your props. Here’s what you’ll need, plus some “DIY” tips to make your own!

Mat – A yoga mat is helpful, as it provides a non-slip surface, but it’s not essential. Substitute with a towel, blanket, or a carpeted floor space.

Block – Store-bought yoga blocks can be made from solid cork, bamboo, wood, or foam and measure 9″ long x 6″ wide x 4″ thick. Make your own by making a stack of books to approximate this size, then secure with rubber bands or wrap in a pillowcase.

Bolster – Bolsters are long, oval, or round firm pillows measuring about 26″ long, 7″ wide and 3″ high. DIY by folding a firm blanket or two into this shape, or substitute sofa cushions.

Blankets and towels – use what you have around the house.

Roll – roll up a bath towel, blanket, or space yoga mat until it’s around 31″ long and 6″ in diameter.

Eye-pillow – these block the light and provide a subtle, soothing weight over the eyes to promote relaxation and sense withdrawal. A folded washcloth works well.

Constructive Rest Pose

A great place to start, this basic pose rests the spine, head, and limbs symmetrically. The neutral position invites us to check in with breath, body, and mind before moving on to more poses.

What to do: Lie down on your back, with the head and neck supported by a folded towel or blanket. Bend the legs, space the feet hip-width apart, and ground the feet into the mat. Rest the arms beside you, an even distance from the mid-line, palms facing up. Let the head be heavy; relax the eyes, face, and neck.

Descend the shoulders and allow your weight to drop into the floor. Notice how your body feels; notice the activity of the mind, notice the emotions, notice the breath. Stay five minutes or more. To come up, hug the knees to chest, roll to the side and press yourself up to a seat.

Upper Back Booster

This refreshing backbend helps to counter rounded shoulders and a slumped chest. It lifts the heart and encourages full, easy breathing. The entire front body receives a nice stretch.

What to do: Place a roll across your mat. Take constructive rest pose again, this time with the roll underneath the nipple-line. Do any wriggling and adjusting till you feel comfortable, with a sense of lift at the chest. Straighten the legs, if desired.

Stay five minutes or more, then remove the roll and revisit constructive rest pose again for a few moments. Hopefully, you feel like you have a brand-new back! Exit the pose as for Constructive Rest Pose.

Legs Up the Wall

Try this pose for a full body/mind refresh. The reversed blood-ﬂow from toes to torso particularly beneﬁts tired legs and the back is positioned nicely for rest and length.

What to do: Clear some space and sit side-on to a wall. Take the outer shoulder to the ﬂoor, then gently roll onto your back and swing your extended legs up the wall.

Rest your head on a pillow/folded blanket for extra comfort, and cover your eyes if you like. Stay for five minutes or longer. When ready to come out, bend the knees to chest, roll to the side and press up to a seated position. Observe how you feel.

Child’s Pose

This is a beautifully grounding, nurturing pose perfect to counter busy-ness and over-stimulation. It also helps to soothe a cranky lower back.

What to do: Rest one end of your bolster on your block. Kneel at the other end with the bolster between the knees. Bend from the hips, fold forward slowly, and lay your whole front body along the length of the bolster. Turn your head to rest on one cheek.

Place your hands and forearms either side of the bolster. After a few minutes, rest on the other cheek and stay in the pose for an even amount of time.

When you are ready to come up, ground your hands either side of your bolster and slowly lift up. Come to a seat and see how you feel.

Savasana – Corpse Pose

This is a simple way to complete your practice and allows the mind and body to soak up all the goodness from your sequence. You can also take this pose anytime as a stand-alone pick-me-up.

What to do: Rest your entire back-body along the mat. Insert a bolster or roll under the knees to take any pressure from the lower back, and a position a support under the head and neck.

Pop an eye-pillow or cloth over the eyes, and cover up with a blanket to keep warm. Once warm and comfortable, make a commitment to be still. Give yourself permission to let go of physical tensions and mental chatter. Simply rest and enjoy the gift of relaxation. Stay in Savasana for ten minutes or more.

When you are well-rested and calm your whole family will feel it too!

Child’s pose image via Shutterstock

January 14, 2016
Declutter & Destress: How to “Live Tiny” in Your Not-Tiny House
“Not what we have but what we enjoy constitutes our abundance.” ~John Petit-Senn

I love the tiny house movement because it embraces simple living and diminishes the spiritual and financial burdens of materialism. However, I don’t really want to trade in the 1,700 square foot house I love for something that’s 200 square feet!

If you’re like me, you may have felt the same pleasure watching shows like Tiny House Nation, but not known how to apply the ideas they present to life in your larger house.

Well, I’ve found you really can “live tiny” in a not-so-literal way, and reap some of those tiny-living benefits in your bigger home!

Step 1: The ruthless pare-down

First of all, no one transitions to tiny living without trimming down the stuff they possess. I decided I didn’t need a living space reduction to inspire me to undertake an extreme pare-down.

I commenced systematically sorting through everything in my seemingly uncluttered and organized home. (Those qualities were really only on the surface.) I didn’t give a pass to spaces that never got assessed because they seemed fine as-is. I went through my house thoroughly, basement, garage, and gardens included—no drawer, cardboard carton, or crawl space was exempt.

A tiny-living-style purge requires something stricter than the usual “have I used it in the last year?” rule applied with frequent exceptions. For example, of course I hadn’t used my high school prom dress in the last year, but it always got spared in pare-downs due to sentimental value. This time I put the dress on, took a picture, and said goodbye to it.

Here’s a tip regarding clothing reduction: You can easily see how often you use items in your closet by turning hangers to point to the front rather than the back when you wear something. If you find a long time goes by with many pieces on unturned hangers, you’ll see what a small sacrifice it would be to donate them to the needy.

Now don’t be fearful as you purge! This process isn’t nearly the challenge tiny living requires. You have the leeway to take into account how your belongings contribute to your individual quality of life.

Most people have glassware or coffee mugs gathering dust, making them perfect candidates for chucking. Me, I kept a few of every kind of bar glass imaginable—because mixology is one of my passions and I actually use them. But I gave away the eighteen duplicate tools we had between our upstairs tool drawer and our basement tool chest—because you don’t need two drills to be a home handywoman.

The key is simple: As you evaluate each item, ask yourself, Can I have an excellent quality of life without this?

Step 2: Don’t buy new when you can enjoy the old

So, you’ve completed your purge and feel a great weight lifted from your soul. Now the task is to keep things that way! Again, look to the example of the tiny house lifestyle.

I used to love finding a way to justify buying something new—don’t we all? Well, tiny house dwellers don’t have room to expand, so they think twice before making new purchases. And if you do that too, here’s what happens: First, you save a ton of money. Second, you keep your possessions level down. And third, you discover just how great the stuff is that you already have!

Do you even fully know what you already have? I thought I did, but no. I found clothes, décor items, hobby supplies, dishes, etc. that I had forgotten completely but saw had real value. So now I use them! Odds are you too have a ton of possessions that could be a joy to rediscover and use, and it costs nothing.

So, maybe the workhorse old mixer you own isn’t as exciting as a new Kitchenaid, but the money you save by living with it could pay for a month of groceries, a weekend getaway, or fifty eBooks. And why not revert yourself to the wise lifestyle of your grandparents? Mend and repair whenever you can!

In those moments when you used to think, “Oh goody, we could use a new one of these!” ask yourself, Can I have an excellent quality of life without replacing this?

Step 3: One in, one out

So maybe you really do need that new item. You can still adopt the “one in, one out” principle employed by tiny homeowners. They literally have no choice but to make room for new items by removing the old, and that’s the way they keep their belongings at a steady level.

You can discipline yourself to do the same, by finding an unnecessary item to “open a berth” for something new. This is something I’ve traditionally done right before the holidays, to make space for incoming gifts. Even better to apply the principle all the time; you’ll never have to do an extreme pare-down again!

When you bring in the new purchase ask yourself, What can I spare to open up the space for this—who might make far better use of that item than I?

Step 4: Maximize your space

Tiny house dwellers have to get absolutely everything they can out of every square foot of space. They find hidden storage under beds and on the ceiling, and they have brilliantly clever furniture that does double duty as couch/bed or dining table/desk, etc.

Take a good look around your house and make sure you are using all the space you own. (You may even find this inspires you to move to a smaller house!) Your purging could free up a closet that could become a modular home office space. A kitchen can double as a crafting room—I have my crafting materials in rolling storage that I can bring into the kitchen, and the table folds out into a larger size for claying or painting.

One excellent way to gain storage space is by reducing your inventory of books. Keep a small library of special volumes to cherish, of course. Then consider collecting eBooks instead, which take up no physical space at all. Love to read books on paper? They are free at your local library! Or take a tip from Tiny Buddha founder Lori: buy used books and sell them back to the store later (one in, one out).

If you’re short on closet space, look to the challenges met by tiny homeowners. Use an old trunk as a coffee table, under-bed boxes for clothing, and shelving added to vertical spaces. You don’t need to move to a larger home in order to have the space to meet your needs.

Ask yourself, in HGTV parlance, How can I Love It rather than List It?

Step 5: Discover the zen in being minimized and organized

Living tiny in your big house isn’t just about reducing expense and consumption. You’ll be amazed at how following tiny house principles enhances your relationship with your belongings.

Here’s a lesson from our cat toys. Previously we had cat toys in two drawers, two baskets, and four closets—they are now purged, mended, and organized. Now it’s easy to put away stray toys, I know where our stock of new ones is, and I’m not tempted to buy more. And better than that: I’m also more inspired to play with the cats!

In other words, I’m more in tune with my home and all who dwell within it. With distractions reduced, I am more mindful of my environment and how I interact with it. Meanwhile, I don’t miss out on what I already own, and get more enjoyment out of my belongings.

For example, I created a meditation corner with objects incorporating the feng shui elements. I found nearly everything I needed among my current stuff (I did treat myself to a Himalayan salt lamp). Not only do I now have this inspiring, Zen space, but things that were previously hidden away now have a purpose.

Every day or so, find something in your house you haven’t engaged with in a while. Ask yourself gratefully, What is it about this that I really love—and how can I enjoy it even more?

No pain, all gain

If you’re like me and find the tiny house movement really inspiring, the reasons why are clear. Tiny is a great way to live! And in a bigger home, applying these ideas to your lifestyle is all upside. You won’t sacrifice necessary items, space, or privacy. All you give up are things like this:
- Not knowing what you own or where it is
- The stress of clutter and crowding
- Not making full use of your stuff and your space
- Unnecessary consumption and expense
And you gain things like this:
- Sharing your abundance by giving away what you don’t need
- Gratitude for and appreciation of your possessions
- More complete utilization of what you already have
- Increased peace and serenity
So join me in discovering the wonderful aspects of tiny living that we bigger home-dwellers can enjoy. Think tiny…and live large and well!
January 14, 2016
Watch Your Thoughts

January 14, 2016
Why We Should Always Be Kind to Strangers

“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of rewards, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.” ~Princess Diana

Recently I was reminded of the importance of kindness, particularly kindness to strangers.

I was given the opportunity to film the wedding of a family friend. As a videographer, I’m always looking for ways to build my client base and enhance my professional experience, so naturally, I agreed.

Most of the guests at this wedding were friends of my parents, many of whom I hadn’t seen in years. Although I recognized a lot of the people, most did not recognize me, particularly with a camera in my hand and “on the other side of the fence,” so to speak.

A few kind souls were extremely friendly, looked me in the eyes, sparked conversation, and spoke to me with dignity. But to my surprise, the vast majority of guests at this wedding pushed past me, bumped into me, or spoke down to me. Again, these were people that I knew!

If we had been in any other situation—if perhaps, for example, my parents had been there with me—I’m certain these very same people would be giving me hugs and asking about my life with convincing interest.

But instead, I was treated as I was seen, like just another person in the service industry. It was as if an invisible fence existed between “us” and “them.”

What bothered me most was not the poor treatment I received, but this notion of separateness that was so pervasive in the once familiar atmosphere around me. Here I was amongst families with whom I grew up, and those who did not recognize me treated me as though I was not worth recognizing. As if I wasn’t even here.

While the looks I received symbolized separateness, what they provided for me was an instantaneous sense of wholeness.

Almost immediately, I’m reminded of the homeless man who holds a sign beside me as I wait for the stoplight to turn green and try to keep my eyes averted. Or the clerk at the McDonalds drive-thru, at whom I roll my eyes when I’m late for a meeting and she’s slow to deliver my vanilla iced coffee.

In this moment, we are one. And that’s when it hits me.

We’re each a part of a whole, and everything we do (every thought, word, and deed) affects the whole. My mind wanders to the countless individuals who are disregarded in some way, shape, or form, every minute of every day. We’ve all experienced it and we’ve all been a party to it.

Why do we do this to each other? What is this invisible fence dividing us vs. them? Where did it come from? And why is it popping up across all areas of our lives?

Safe in the confines of our car, we feel distant from those who stand on cold corners asking for our help. In our own bubble of a morning ritual, we forget that our coffee servers have morning rituals of their own. A false reality exists around us, and most often, without even giving it a second thought, we choose to live in it.

Like a prison built on the delusional foundation that we are somehow separate from one another, we’re trapped. But what if we chose to live in truth instead? If we can recognize the intrinsic unity of humanity, perhaps we can finally be free.

Much like disregard, kindness for others is cyclical by nature. Kindness begets further kindness. And you never know how a simple “thank you” or smile could affect someone on any given day.

To be acknowledged and appreciated are among two of the greatest and most basic human needs. If we can fulfill this in one another with small acts of kindness that perpetuate themselves, why would we ever choose to do otherwise?

It’s the simple, unexpected acts of generosity that change lives, and a culmination of these small acts can change the world.

Let’s acknowledge the security guards and say, “thank you” to the janitors. Let’s start acting as if the conversation we have is the most important one we will have all day. Let’s look for the good in other people, and when we find it, let’s treat them as though that’s all we see.

We don’t have to expect anything in return in order to be kind. With kindness, the giver benefits just as much, if not more, than the receiver.

Let’s make it our goal to make at least one person’s day, every day, and see how our own lives are transformed in the process. After all, we’re all in this together…

Make someone smile image via Shutterstock

January 13, 2016
4 Things to Remember When Your Relationship Falls Apart
“At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.” ~Unknown

I was filled with excitement and nerves as I stood waiting to meet him for the first time in Paddington station.

It was one of the wettest days I’d seen in London, and the rain dripped steadily from the peaked hood of my blue rain jacket. Zipped up to my chin and the hood pulled tight over my head, only my eyes peered out, searching for him amongst the crowds and falling rain.

Months later, he told me that he’d fallen in love with me the moment he saw me, those big eyes staring out at him from beneath my hood.

We’d been introduced on Facebook via a mutual friend after I’d commented on how cute he was. He lived in California. I lived in London. He’d quit his job to travel for a year and was passing through the city. He asked if I wanted to meet.

I said yes.

But in the same moment that he fell in love with me at the station, my excitement faded away. What I’d hoped to feel when we finally met just wasn’t there.

Over the next few months, from wherever he traveled, he pursued me with a persistence I’d never known.

At first, I was annoyed. I wished he’d leave me be.

But as the weeks and months went by, things started to change. He wanted to know everything about me. He was interested. Interested in a way no one else had been before. He took time to get to know me. And I started to get to know him too.

I realized that I’d judged him too soon.

When he returned to California, we spent the next few months talking online almost every day. With every question he asked, I started to love him a little bit more.

Eventually, we talked about meeting again, this time in California, to see where this all might lead.

And so three months ago I boarded a plane at London Heathrow to meet this man who I’d begun to love.

We spent the next three months on one long adventure. It was filled with road trips, hiking, forest trails, gentle kisses, holding hands, the wind in our hair, the sun on our cheeks and the smell of California all around us.

We argued, too.

But it was perfect.

And yet when those three months came to a close, we both acknowledged the unhappy reality that we were two people traveling in two very different life directions. We both felt that continuing our journey together would mean neither of us would ever quite be truly content.

And so my grieving began. A sort of grieving I’ve not experienced before. Because here was a man I loved. And yet I also knew that we weren’t meant to be.

The last few weeks have been filled with a great deal of sadness, confusion, and questioning, as well as gratitude and happiness for the time we spent together.

I don’t think there’s a person amongst us who has escaped heartbreak in this thing we call life. And so amongst all this, I wanted to share a few thoughts on love and life. It’s helped me to write this down. I hope it might help you too.

Leave nothing on the table.

In our final week together, we watched a film called Miracle, the true story of Herb Brooks (Russell), the player-turned-coach who led the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team to victory over the seemingly invincible Russian squad.

There’s a moment in the film when Herb turns to his wife and says:

“The important thing is that those twenty boys know that in twenty years they didn’t leave anything on the table. They played their hearts out. That’s the important thing.”

And that is the important thing.

I could have said no to this experience. I could have told myself about all the ways in which it could end in disaster and heartbreak. I could have stayed in London.

But then where would we be?

Two people who left everything on the table. Two people who refused to play their hearts out.

And while these endings bring pain, I never want to live my life not playing my heart out. I don’t think anyone should live that way. Not in business. Not in love. Not in life.

So keep opening up.

Keep playing your heart out.

Leave nothing on the table.

You are lovable.

Right now, one of the things I’m really having to fight is the stories my mind is trying to create. Stories like:
- Your emotions are too much for anyone to handle. (I cry a lot.)
- You’re not lovable.
- You’ll be alone forever.
In times of pain and vulnerability, the brain searches for stories to make sense of what’s happened. Oftentimes, we come up with stories that aren’t based in truth. But our brain doesn’t know that. It only knows that it’s now got a way to make sense of what’s happened.

Those stories get locked in and then they impact the way we behave in every similar situation in the future.

So I’m reminding myself every second of every day that this love story not working out doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.

So I want to remind you too. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re lovable. You’re loved.

Permanence is an illusion.

I spent some time reflecting on why I feel so sad. To be sure, this is grief, of a sort, and my sadness is legitimate and welcome.

But as I look at what’s behind my sadness, I see stories of clinging.

Clinging to a person who was never mine to begin with.

Clinging to stories of the future, which will now never come to be.

I remind myself, now, of the law of impermanence.

That all things come and go.

That all things, both pleasure and pain, pass.

That there is nothing in this world that will remain as it is in this moment.

And I remind myself, too, that just because something no longer is, doesn’t mean it never was.

Look for the good things.

It’s easy for me to seek out only the bad in all of this. It’s easy to focus on the sadness and the pain and the reasons why it didn’t work out.

But I once read a story about a mother who told her son, every day before he went to school, “Look for the good things.”

And now, even though his mother is gone, he remembers, always, to look for the good things.

I loved this story and it’s what I’m trying to do now.

I think it’s important to acknowledge pain and sadness. They need their time and space. But amongst all that sadness, don’t forget to look for the good things too. They’re there. I promise.

Lonely image via Shutterstock
January 13, 2016
You’re Stronger Than You Seem

January 13, 2016
How to Have a Happy Day

January 13, 2016
Open-Minded People

Source: The Mind Unleashed

January 13, 2016
Finding Happiness: 11 Simple Ways to Get Your Smile Back

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” ~The Dalai Lama

A while back my sister arrived for a family get-together and remarked, “Your mad laughter is missing. What’s happening?”

My mind trailed back to my childhood and teenage years and showed me images of a girl who could laugh easily, loudly, and madly.

Somewhere along the line I had lost my ability to laugh—truly laugh, with wonder and without worry.

At first I brushed it off because I didn’t even notice myself changing. The change was gradual, imperceptible.

I had come to take life too seriously.

As a child and teenager, I had disappointments. But as I think back, the hope for my future greatly outweighed my setbacks.

Of course, my future didn’t play out exactly as I’d imagined it would, and I encountered a series of disappointments.

My financial situation was far from great. My relationships went through turmoil and turbulence. I let them become set in stone and define my life.

I blamed myself for not being wise enough to make good decisions. I blamed myself for not being smart enough to catch my wrong decisions. I felt miserable. And then I blamed myself for feeling miserable, because strong people don’t waste time feeling miserable, do they?

I became angry and, even worse, I felt entitled to my anger. I felt horribly wronged. I directed my anger at people. I became less capable of experiencing joy, and therefore, giving it too.

Reading Tiny Buddha’s 365 Love Challenges emphasized for me how self-love is the beginning of the expression of love toward everyone else in our world. Still, it’s not always easy to be good to ourselves.

The inner critic is the most active when we need that voice to be appreciative and loving. Instead of spending more time understanding ourselves, we indulge in self-bashing, self-abuse, and harsh judgments about ourselves.

It takes some serious mindfulness and awareness to turn that around.

So, after a few more observations from people who thought I mattered enough to give me feedback about my attitude, I decided to observe my thoughts and myself.

I began to think of what made me feel better, and what helped me keep the feeling longer, so I could get my smile back.

After months of watching myself, I saw that a few things helped me consistently.

1. Being aware of physical and emotional triggers.

I started paying attention to my body. My health had a big effect on my mood, and vice versa. I starting eating what would calm my stomach and keep my body at ease.

Things like procrastinating made me feel bad about myself, so I kept up my schedule with greater caution. I also learned to avoid over-scheduling myself so I didn’t have things piling up, making me feel inefficient and inadequate.

Your body is constantly giving you signals even when you are trying hard to ignore it, so start paying attention.

2. Being aware of reactions.

I started focusing on the results rather than on the source of the problem. If things did not go as planned, I consciously avoided looking to fix the blame and looked at fixing the problem. I felt less overwhelmed and more in power. It also made me more approachable.

Develop the mindset to look for solutions, and avoid “if-only” thinking, since this only keeps you stuck.

3. Dressing up.

No matter how I felt, I always felt better when I got up and freshened up. Wearing well-fitted clothes, clothes that I liked, made me look better and, therefore, feel better about myself almost instantly.

There is a whole lot of science about dressing the part, so pick colors that will soothe and accentuate you own personality.

4. Following a ritual.

The simple act of following a ritual—any ritual—gave me a sense of stability and grounding.

Following a ritual that aligned with my beliefs and values made me calmer and more in control over other areas in my life.

I chose the ritual of mantra chanting before having my first meal in the morning, and that uplifted me immensely, giving me the assurance that I could change other areas of my life too.

5. Smiling more.

We smile when we’re happy, right? Wrong! Studies have shown that our external expressions act as a continual feedback loop reinforcing our internal emotions. So, smiling more even when we are unhappy gradually makes us feel happier.

True to this, smiling at strangers while standing in a queue or during a walk made me look beyond my world. To put it simply, it made me feel good, and I kept at it. Not to mention that smiling through a bad situation automatically seemed to defuse it.

Take time to do things that give you more scope for “happy-time,” like seeking the company of children, listening to music, dancing, cooking, reading, cleaning—anything that makes you feel like yourself.

6. Talking to somebody who loves you.

One afternoon, when I was recovering from an intense anger bout, my father called. I did everything I could to hide my anger from him. But during the conversation, he referred to an incident in my childhood and said, “You are always so childlike.”

It threw me off. Here I was, bashing myself for being angry and hurt, and feeling even more angry and hurt for not being able to control it, but a simple conversation with my father reminded me that I wasn’t always this way. The fact that he remembered it so fondly made me like myself. It made me want to let go and try again.

Make time for your old friends, your parents, your friends’ parents, and siblings—anybody who has been a part of your past who sees the best in you.

7. Being kinder.

Formerly, I had the tendency to show indifference to people with whom I was angry (and not necessarily engage in a war of words or palpable anger). However, it still made me miserable, irrespective of whether they noticed it or not. When I consciously resisted the urge to be indifferent to them, I felt more in control.

A kind exchange has the power to set the tone for your day. Kindness is not restricted to a physical exchange; even a gentle conversation over the phone or a kind email made me significantly happier.

There are hundreds of studies to show that kindness can impact your brain in a powerful way and increase your feeling of connectedness.

8. Making that decision.

After accidentally discovering my passion for writing about three years ago, I continued to put up with a stressful job and kept putting off my plans to start doing something that filled my soul.

Making the decision to quit and re-focus wasn’t easy. But making up my mind and letting go felt like I was clearing stale clutter and starting afresh in my mind. I felt invigorated, though it was hard work.

If you are on the brink of a major decision, making it one way or the other will be a great emotional leveler.

9. Starting somewhere.

I kept putting off my plans because it was not yet there—in my mind. In short, I was afraid of showing my imperfect side to the world. In reality, I was only judging myself.

Waiting for the perfect time to start/launch something is a mistake we all make. Even nature took billions of years to be where it is today. And it will continue to evolve for billions of years from now. Then, why do we have to be perfect today?

10. Breaking the negative thought pattern.

Every time I felt angry with somebody, it was because I associated something negative with him or her.

I started consciously associating positive things with them, like remembering the skill they are really good at or the one time they helped me or somebody else, and the negativity seemed to melt away. Of course, it kept coming back, but the more I countered it with positive thoughts, the less power it seemed to have.

So, the next time you are really annoyed with somebody, try remembering a nice thing about him or her. It makes a world of difference.

11. Remembering that everyone is only human, and that includes yourself.

Forgiveness contributes greatly to our well-being, fulfillment, and happiness. There is really nobody in the world who hasn’t been hurt or let down by somebody they trusted, or at least wishes they had been treated differently.

Everyone—that includes yourself and the people that hurt you—is only standing at one single point in the huge learning curve of life, and our actions spring from what we are exposed to from that particular vantage point. Understanding this was a huge milestone for me in learning forgiveness.

To seriously learn forgiveness as a life skill, spend more time with kids. They are the only people who unerringly practice the art.

—

To sum it up, for renewed happiness: Invest in yourself, take time to understand yourself, be gentle to yourself, do the things you love and, most importantly, give yourself time to heal, no matter how much it hurts!

January 12, 2016
Why It’s Okay to “Fail” at Meditation 90% of the Time

“Giving up is the only sure way to fail.” ~Gena Showalter

So you want to meditate.

You can’t help but notice the benefits touted everywhere: a clearer mind, more focus, better sleep, and better health and happiness. What’s not to want?

But then you try it out. And dang, it’s not easy.

When you sit down on that cushion or chair, your previously normal human brain has turned into a crazy swirl of thoughts.

Did you have this many thoughts before? Isn’t this meditation thing supposed to be about clearing your mind and getting focused?

The next thought that comes to mind is usually this one: “I’m failing at meditation. I can’t do this.”

Welcome to the club! All experienced meditators know this feeling. We’ve all had this experience. We’ve all thought at some point that we’re failing at meditation.

When you sit still to stop doing and start being, your brain doesn’t cooperate easily. Its job is to think. Our brains will think about the breakfast, plan the day, even have imaginary conversations.

This is the legendary “monkey mind,” and it’s totally normal. However, bump that into our expectations of clarity and bliss, and we believe we are “failing” at meditation.

Want in on a little secret?

Ten-plus years into this meditation thing, I still “fail” at it 90% of the time. My mind wanders somewhere between often and constantly during my daily morning practice. Planning, mostly!

So my practice is to notice the thinking. I label it “thinking,” or “planning.” Then I bring my attention back to my breath.

And I’m not the only one.

Even experienced meditators’ minds wander—a lot.

A monk from Blue Cliff Monastery joined my meditation group one evening for practice. We did twenty-five minutes of sitting meditation, ten minutes of walking meditation, and ten more minutes of sitting meditation.

During the discussion time, he shared about his practices. He related that he had about two minutes of clarity during our session—just two minutes!

It was incredibly freeing for me to hear. If the mind wandered for a monk who spent his whole life in an atmosphere that supported his practice, then I could accept that my mind wanders too.

Once I accepted that, my practice became even more fruitful. And I knew I wasn’t failing after all.

You’re still benefiting.

After years of reading about mindfulness, I finally began to practice at home.

I’d suffered from waves of deep lows for all of my life. They would hit me on a regular basis. Dad told me that this was just how life was. That I had “an artistic temperament.”

My life would be going along, with its ups and downs, when the stressors became too much. I couldn’t handle it all anymore. I’d break down with tears and an inability to do anything much for a few days. My ways of coping weren’t healthy—binge eating was my dirty little secret.

I thought that something was wrong with me. That somehow, I wasn’t strong enough to handle life the way other people seemingly did.

I’d been reading about the benefits of mindfulness to soothe myself for years. Finally, I decided to step into the area and do it. I had built up my strength and resilience with yoga. I could do this.

I began to practice meditation by sitting at home for ten minutes almost every day. In a few weeks, I bumped it up to fifteen minutes.

And I had this thought:

This is not working. I’m just sitting here basically thinking the whole time. This isn’t doing anything for me.

But, several months into it, I looked back at my life. I realized that I had not fallen into the pit of a deep low. At all.

It was an amazing revelation for me. Even though I thought I was doing a crap job at this meditation thing, I was receiving the benefits. It was working!

Amazingly, I haven’t had those regular series of lows in the ten years since.

It’s practice, not perfection.

Mindfulness is a lovely thing to think and read about, but it’s really all about practice.

Practice doesn’t mean perfection or performance. It’s about making friends with our wandering, imperfect minds.

Try this now:

Set a timer for sixty seconds. Sit tall and put your attention on your in-breath and your out-breath. Feel it at the nose, chest, or belly, whatever is most accessible to you. When your mind wanders, label it “thinking,” and come back to your breath until the timer rings.

You did it!

Practice diligently. Practice with persistence. Accept that your human mind wanders. It’s an essential part of the learning.

Keep practicing and keep “failing.” You will still benefit.

Man mediating image via Shutterstock

January 12, 2016
Don’t Carry Your Mistakes

Source: Lessons Learned in Life

January 12, 2016
Words to Live By

January 12, 2016