Tag: wisdom

What Causes Panic Attacks and How to Stop Them for Good

“You empower what you fight. You withdraw power from what you release.” ~Alan Cohen

Panic attacks can seem to come out of nowhere, without any warning. There is no obvious logical connection between a panic attack and what is happening around us at the time they arise.

Is it really possible to be free of them, without medication? In my personal experience, the answer is yes. I used cognitive, emotional, and physical methods that eradicated my panic attacks.

What Causes Panic Attacks?

The short version of my story is that I experienced a less than peaceful upbringing and had a fair amount of anxiety and panic attacks as a result.

A trusted therapist explained to me that panic attacks develop out of a psyche that is overloaded with repressed feelings. Panic attacks are like the psyche’s release valve.

My earliest memories were comprised of the adults in my life walking out the door, seemingly for good. Sometimes they threatened to leave unless I promised to behave. As a toddler, I believed they were absolutely leaving and never coming back. There were many such incidents, leaving me with a lack of security or trust in my environment.

In addition, there was no room for my emotions in my highly charged toxic environment. Even quiet times held no respite because I knew they were only the eye of a storm that would soon roar to life again.

As a result, I automatically developed a stance much like a soldier in battle. When in a storm or bracing for the next one, I remained locked in survival mode, shutting down the expression of authentic emotions.

As my high school days were coming to an end, I finally managed to move away from my family and find a place of my own. It was small, I had no money, and I was working all the time, but I had finally found a drama-free environment where I could learn to let my guard down.

Retrain Your Brain

Even after a long battle is over, many of us continue operating as if we are still in it.

We remain in survival mode, automatically repressing emotions without even realizing it. So, panic attacks can continue after the stress that caused them in the first place is long gone.

It isn’t the original stressful event that caused the attacks anyway—it was the lack of processing the fearful feelings surrounding the stressful event.

You can actually retrain your brain to realize it is safe in the present moment, and that the past trauma is vastly skewing your perception, which is why you are panicking.

A really effective exercise is to write down all the fears that are voiced during a panic attack. Then, write down as many reasonable responses as possible that refute those fears.

This exercise actually trains your brain to form new neural pathways based in reality rather than in the skewed unprocessed feelings and beliefs that come from trauma. A terrific detailed guide for these cognitive exercises is in the book Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns.

As a teenager I worked with a trusted therapist on this. It takes time, but it really does change your perception of things. Each time a reality check proved my fearful thoughts false, I felt stronger and more positive in my interpretation of any situation.

Feel It To Heal It

If you’ve had panic attacks for a while, you’re probably sick of them. You may even tell that panicked voice of yours to just shut up and quit bothering me! However, if unprocessed feelings are what caused the panic attacks in the first place, then expressing and processing them is what will eventually cause them to disappear.

Once I realized that my panic attacks were rooted in consistent abandonment by the adults around me, I could allow that very wise and mature part of myself to listen closely and compassionately to the scared toddler inside, who got spooked anytime something resembling abandonment would arise in my life.

Instead of telling that panicked voice to be quiet, I learned to ask, “What are you afraid of? What do you need? How can I help?” Listening to that scared part of your younger self without judgment finally gives her a voice—no matter how crazy, stupid, or immature that voice may seem.

Only then can the adult part of ourselves provide the comfort to that toddler that should have been provided, many years ago. We could double check to make sure no one is leaving us or being taken from us—or that if they are, knowing that we are going to be just fine.

Act as you would want a parent to act when their children come to them, insisting there is a monster under their bed. It is comforting when parents indulge their children in checking that there are no monsters there rather than insisting that their children be quiet and go back to sleep.

You can be the comforting adult now that you really needed back then.

It is also helpful to remind the scared younger version of ourselves of all of the support and resources we now have as adults.

Adults can get jobs, earn money, drive cars, decide where to live, educate ourselves, form relationships, and break off relationships. These are all tools adults have to provide themselves with the safety and security they need, so, no matter what is happening in the present, we will never feel as helpless as we felt as a child.

Giving my inner toddler a voice finally allowed her to grieve the loss of a safe and stable environment—something I never had space to do before.

Every now and then I would make a point to sit down, pop in a sad movie, and have a good cry for the sole purpose of listening to and comforting the toddler who needed to grieve the absence of a secure place in which to grow up.

Employing these methods on a regular basis gives the scared, younger version of yourself the opportunity to express fears and needs regularly. Responding to that child in a compassionate way ensures that he or she will not have to scream to be heard in the form of a panic attack.

Reprogram Your Body

I had always assumed that one had to have calm thoughts and emotions in order to feel calm physically. It turns out that calming the body is a path to calming thoughts and emotions. As someone who is generally stuck in my head, this was a very foreign concept to me, but one I was willing to explore.

I started doing bodywork with a therapist, getting a massage occasionally, and taking yoga. The point of the bodywork was to reverse my body’s bracing reaction to stress. Intellectually, I could understand that concept, but once I put it into practice, over time, I fully realized this concept.

Being in a physically relaxed state connects every part of us to what is real rather than what we fear. The more often we can bring ourselves back to a physical place of relaxation, the more connected we are to the peaceful perspective instead of the skewed fearful perspective that fosters panic attacks.

Keep At It

Eradicating panic attacks does not happen overnight. Not even close. I found it impossible to picture a panic-free life when I was in the midst of my process, but it did happen after about two years of all of these efforts.

It’s important to be compassionate with yourself and the process for taking so long. It’s also important to engage in extreme self-care during all of it so you don’t get exhausted.

Remember that as strong as your fearful thoughts may seem, they are not your intuition. They are the reaction of your psyche to feelings that have been silenced. As painful as this process is, it is nevertheless an opportunity for healing a wound that has been buried for too long.

Give yourself and your body all the tools possible, cognitive, emotional, and physical, to support your healing.

Have you overcome panic attacks without medication, and if so, what methods did you use?

Calm man image via Shutterstock

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Why We Need to Stop Hiding and Let People See Who We Are

“To help yourself, you must be yourself.” ~Dave Pelzer

I spent a lot of my life being someone else. Playing the part of someone I didn’t fully recognize.

Looking back, there were lots of reasons why I avoided being me, my mum’s suicide being one of them.

Her death shaped me, like a rock in a tumbler, and my life, as I knew it, bore no resemblance to the one I once knew.

I was ashamed of being the girl whose mum left her in such a violent way. What would people think? Maybe that she didn’t love me enough to stay? That I didn’t do enough to help her? That I wasn’t enough of a daughter to her?

I started to believe that maybe I just wasn’t enough, period. That I was a bad person somehow. Because if you’re a bad person, people don’t want to be near you. They just up and leave. And that’s what she did.

When you don’t feel enough, there’s anywhere and everywhere you’d rather be than right there, with yourself.

I became a master at escaping myself and putting on an act in order to feel accepted. Accepted by people I believed would think things about me that I didn’t want them to think. I was too scared to let people see the real me because I believed the real me was so obviously fundamentally flawed.

My escape artist act was compounded aged twenty-one, when I realized that I was gay.

I wanted to hide. I didn’t want people to know. I felt different from other people, the people I already felt different from because their mums were still alive and kicking, and most definitely hadn’t killed themselves.

And so I pretended, again.

It’s hard, pretending to not be gay.

People ask questions and get curious. About why you don’t have a boyfriend. Or why you spend so much time with your friend, “You sure do see each other a lot. You’re practically joined at the hip, aren’t you?”

I spent a lot of time deflecting questions. My answers, which were always lies, became a shield that I hid behind.

And as my lies got bigger, I became smaller, crouching behind the shield until I couldn’t see over or around it anymore.

I had completely lost sight of who I was.

And losing sight of me was the emptiest, most isolating feeling I have ever experienced. It felt like I was living my life behind a glass screen, like I wasn’t quite there, unable to take anything in.

I was massively unsure of what I liked or didn’t like, and was scared to say what I thought. I mean, who was I to say? What did I know anyway? My thoughts and opinions felt lukewarm and grey. Not enough to add heat or a splash of color to a conversation.

I didn’t dare try new things. I stuck to the same routine. I avoided anything that challenged me, for being challenged would mean crawling out from behind the shield, and I would be too exposed—and this might mean that people would see the me I didn’t want them to see.

And we all do it, don’t we? In some part of your life right now is an area you’re avoiding. A place tucked away, deep down—a part of you that you don’t want other people to know about or see.

So you don’t talk about it, you draw attention away. By being the life and soul of the party, even though you’re not really laughing on the inside.

Or in your shiny, flash car that you drive faster than you should, because it’s the only way you ever feel truly alive.

Or in your relationships with others—where you spend so much time caring for them so you don’t have to care for yourself, and yet you feel the quiet resentment creeping up when they don’t empty the dishwasher or thank you for the dinner you made.

We avoid being exposed for who we really are while, at the same time, not knowing who we really are.

And yet the reason we so often don’t know who we are is because we’re not being who we are.

Over ten years later, I know this. And I see now how, bit-by-bit, and without realizing it at the time, I slowly came out from behind the shield that had protected me for so long.

The shield that had protected me from me.

“Figure out what you want from your life,” A friend advised. “Just get to know yourself.”

“How the hell do I do that, though?” I asked.

“Just do things. Anything!”

And so I did. There were no huge, adventurous leaps, nothing particular to write home about. I just allowed my curiosity, even if it was just a smidgen of curiosity, to lead me.

First up, I started to do things I’d never done before, like going to the cinema alone, or for lunch, with just a book for company. I read, vicariously, and mostly in the bath, mountains of self-development books.

I wanted to understand myself better; to know why I did the things that I did and thought the things that I thought.

In later months, I joined a barbershop harmony chorus (it didn’t last very long) and signed up for a five-kilometer race and started a blog which eventually became a website—a place where I could write openly about life, and being human.

And slowly, very slowly, my life started to show signs of color again, and I didn’t use the shield so much. All of the things that I was doing, the “Just doing things!” were where I discovered who I was.

We spend so much time looking outside of ourselves to find who we are, because it’s easier that way.

When we don’t have to put ourselves on the line, when we don’t have to say how we really feel, we get to avoid the things we, as humans, don’t find very comfortable. Things like conflict, having a hard conversation, asking for what we need or offending someone.

We get to avoid failing and messing up and risk. We get to avoid people not agreeing with us and our opinion, being different, being ‘weird.’ Being truly who we are.

And yet, we cannot truly know who we are without being who we are.

Only by being who we are can we experience connection—to life, to other people, and most importantly, to ourselves.

Woman hiding face image via Shutterstock

March 27, 2016
What to Do When People Always Underestimate You
“You can’t base your life on other people’s expectations.” ~Stevie Wonder

Being blatantly underestimated is simply a part of my life.

No matter what I’m doing, the ordinary will seem extraordinary, and the extraordinary will seem insurmountable to those who look at me for the first time. There is no way I am contributing the same amount to society as the rest of the world.

These are not drawn conclusions on my part; I have been told these very things straight to my face. People perceive me this way because of the white cane in my hand, the badge, letting everyone know of my lack of vision.

The most extreme instance of this happened while I was riding the bus, heading to an early college lecture. The man boarded the bus and sat down next to me. After he asked me how I was, and I answered as politeness dictates, I asked him the same.

His response was, “I’ve been better. I just got out of prison.”

The conversation went downhill from there. He told me that he had wanted to “throw in the towel,” “call it a day,” “end his life.”

He then said to me, earnestly and sincerely, “but seeing you, and realizing how horrible your life is, there’s no way I could take my life. You’ve inspired me, showing me that someone has it much worse than I do.”

As I rode that bus down to the university I attended, and he rode that bus to who knew where just after getting out of prison, a knot of bitterness tried to wriggle its way up my throat.

I had been completely underestimated without a second thought, my life relegated to mere scraps of what it actually was because of one small quality.

When people hear the word “prejudice,” they automatically think of the worst instance of judging another and immediately put themselves in the innocent category. There is no way that we underestimate or discriminate in the way that the word prejudice makes us think we do. The word, however, in the Marriam Webster dictionary is simply defined as:

“An adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.”

It is extremely easy for someone to glean one small fact about another person and immediately begin to underestimate them without realizing it. Because of this, so many of us are being underestimated for circumstances out of our control. It could be that:
- You are in an entry level position, inexperienced in your field as you continue to learn and grow
- You are between jobs, and you’re constantly searching
- You’re young or unmarried or in an uncertain place financially, and a baby is on the way
- You have a physical or a mental disability
- You find yourself in a career that the world thinks will yield no return.
Even though you are, without a doubt, a uniquely valuable, talented person, that one small circumstance has the potential to bring you down in the eyes of the world around you.

Though the general advice for people in a situation where others are commenting in a negative way is to not listen to the rest of the world, it can be difficult, when day after day, we are repeatedly told that we are less than we actually are.

I know how it feels to be underestimated. I know how it feels when low expectations are heaped upon me without a second thought.

I have, however, learned a few incredible lessons about being underestimated, and I’ve learned how to, for the most part, combat the pressures of being underappreciated.

So, for those of you who are underestimated because of a circumstance that you can’t control, I hope these actionable steps can help you as they have helped me.

Know Your Worth

This is the easiest, most straightforward step you can take to keep negativity from dragging you down. It is, however, one of the hardest steps to actually put in to practice. When people tell us that we aren’t as valuable as we know we are, it can be easy to begin to believe them.

You have to intentionally, consciously remember how valuable you really are. Here are a few ways to bring this abstract, but essential step in to the practical:

Compliment yourself.

Whenever you hear a negative comment aimed at you, combat it with a positive one.

Compliment yourself when you look in the mirror. Compliment yourself before you walk out the door in the morning. Positively affirm yourself, bringing the qualities that make you unique and valuable to the front of your mind.

Bring to mind the reasons for self-pride.

No matter how insignificant they may seem, if you’ve done something in the past that you are proud of, or you are doing something now that propels you forward, these accomplishments can show you that the one small thing you are being underestimated for is actually not that important when you really think about it.

Show pride in yourself externally.

What I mean is, walk confidently, make smart clothing choices, do each of your actions to the best of your ability, and eventually your feelings of self-worth will soar.

It’s also harder for people to underestimate you if you look as though you know what you’re doing. It might seem as though you’re trying to fake it until you make it, but trust me, you won’t have to fake it for long.

Educate Those Doing the Understanding

As someone who is totally blind, I have learned something very important: there are many people out there that are just ignorant and misinformed. They’ve never interacted with a blind person before, so they simply don’t know any better.

Once I begin to talk to them, share my story, show them that I am just like anyone else, many of them begin to have much higher opinions of me and what I can do.

Everyone has a story, and it can be therapeutic to open up and share it. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a stranger you’re talking to for the first time, you can have a chance to bring that person a perspective that might not have been known before.

You don’t have to share your life with every person you meet, but misinformation and lack of understanding plays a huge part in the underappreciation of others.

Surround Yourself with Like-Minded People Who Understand You

These are the people you can vent your frustrations to, the people who will bring you through when others want to put you down.

This step, for me, is key to keeping the positivity in my life. I already have to deal with people who may or may not see me in the way I see myself, so why would I want to go home and experience that, or invite that kind of negativity in to my life?

Sometimes, the people who are around you the most—your family, your friends, your colleagues—are the ones who are doing the underestimating.

I know this can be the hardest part for some of you, which is why it is all the more important to find a small inner circle that can support you where you are. Your inner circle should be the ones to cheer you on and stand with you, from a position of wanting to lift up and not pull down.

If you find a group like this, and the underappreciation becomes too much, they will help you stay sane. I can promise you that. An open mind and a readiness to meet new people and forge relationships is really all you need to begin connecting with others on a deeper, more supportive level.

Join a group of like-minded people, such as a meditation or yoga group, an intuition development class, a writer’s club, anywhere that will allow you to feel supported and connected. When you begin to meet with people, be prepared to share and open up, at least a little. These people are there to connect in the same way you are, and being open and authentic breeds trust.

These types of relationships aren’t built in a day; it will take work and consistency to see results, but if you have a desire to connect, people will understand or feel that on a deeper level and will want to reciprocate. Connections like these can lead to the most fulfilling relationships, which are the kind that can help to combat low expectations and negativity.

Prove Them Wrong

The people who are doing the underestimating think they know something about you that, for some reason, you don’t know about yourself. You, however, have the home court advantage; you know more about yourself than anyone else ever can or will.
- You know how valuable you truly are.
- You know from what place most of these people are speaking.
- You know that you can communicate with someone who will lift you up.
And, at the end of the day, you are the one with the plan for your life. You are the one who knows how successful you are and can continue to be.

So, you are the only one who can put one foot in front of the other and just keep on moving, even when others think they know the exact reason why you should stop. You are the only one who can prove them wrong.

In the end, you are the one in control. No matter what anyone thinks or says, you choose your life and your path.

If you know your own value and keep moving forward, if you understand the mindset of the people around you and hold on to those closest to you who love you, you will begin to see a transformation in the perceptions of those you encounter throughout your life and within yourself.

Woman silhouette via Shutterstock
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5 Ways to Cope with Family Bullies

“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

Bullies are everywhere. One of the most insidious and destructive forms of bullying is family bullying, because it’s often done in the name of love.

As someone who was bullied by family members for more years than I care to count, I spent a lot of time learning that most of the bullying going on was not about me or my failings—it was more about what other people needed to unload.

Family bullies often pretend to (or believe they can) help by offering criticism. But a majority of the criticism is usually designed to make the bully feel better rather than to help the victim.

In my family, bullying was the way my parents got rid of their feelings. After years of paying close attention to what was going on under the surface, I finally realized that the more emotions my parents were trying to deny in themselves, the more they put me down.

I also learned that there are ways to minimize the effects of relating to dysfunctional family members, and I’d like to share them with you.

1. Plan your responses ahead of time.

If you know what kinds of comments push your buttons, prepare responses ahead of time that allow you to hold on to your self-esteem.

For instance, if someone always comments on your parenting style, you can say, “I parent my kids according to my own values. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s what I will continue to do.”

Use “I” messages rather than “you” messages, which means saying “I think” or “I feel” rather than “You always” or “You shouldn’t.” “I” messages keep the focus on what you’re trying to communicate, and are less likely to instigate an argument.

Practice your responses several times when you’re alone so they become automatic. When you’re in the midst of a heated situation, sometimes it’s hard to come up with a response that’s not habitual, so if you practice beforehand, standing up for yourself will begin to become a positive habit.

2. Stand up to the bully without hostility.

One tactic that often works to defuse criticism is to take a strong stance, look the person right in the eye, pause for a moment, and then say, “Excuse me?”

With this phrase, you’re letting the person know that you’re aware they’re putting you down or dumping on you, and you’re not going to take it. But the beauty of this phrase is that it’s not hostile; you’re not adding fuel to the fire or throwing your anger back at the other person.

You do need to take a strong stance, however, maintain eye contact, and say the words very clearly and distinctly. Sometimes this statement will stop the criticizer in his tracks as he steps back in his mind and hears what he actually said.

3. Remove yourself from the situation.

If you find yourself getting sucked into what the person says, take a break and go somewhere private. I used to go in the bathroom and scream silently, shake my hands, and shake my head. It helped to let the tension out of my body. Remind yourself that you don’t have to get caught up in the drama.

It can take some practice over time to remember to take a break, but when you step out of the situation over and over, you’re reminding yourself of your separateness and your awareness of the dysfunction, and validating your desire to stay out of the traps and become mentally healthier.

If you feel a need to leave the situation altogether, you do have the power to do that. People may get upset or yell or threaten you, but you’re not responsible for their feelings—you’re not responsible for calming them down, for solving their problems, or for ignoring your own needs in order to make them happy.

They’ll try to get you under their control again, but the more you pay attention to your own needs and act on them, the more respect you’ll develop for yourself.

4. Set boundaries.

Setting boundaries ahead of time can help you feel more in control of a situation. Tell everyone ahead of time that you can only stay for two hours at a family party, or that instead of cooking the holiday ham for the tenth year in a row, this time you’ll bring a salad.

You’ll need to be prepared for a backlash of “No! You can’t change! We liked you better when you let us control you!” But each time you stick to your guns, you’ll be growing stronger. Pay attention to your own needs and desires—they’re absolutely just as important as anyone else’s.

5. When you leave, leave it all behind you.

When you’ve just left a difficult situation, instead of rolling it around and around in your mind, set yourself a mental task of figuring out how to make it easier for yourself next time.

What would need to change? How could you respond in a way that helps you feel more centered and grounded? What kinds of boundaries could you set up before the next time you see them?

Ruminating over who said what and how awful it all felt for days afterward is a negative habit that reinforces old emotional patterns. Instead, remind yourself that the situation is over, and allow it to turn into a fading memory rather than constantly pulling it back into the front of your mind to relive over and over again.

People who are regularly criticized by others tend to be very critical of themselves, as well. Have compassion for yourself, and treat yourself with kindness. Most of us are actually doing a better job at everything than we think we are—no matter what anyone else believes or says.

March 24, 2016
Stop Trying to Fix Yourself and Start Enjoying Your Life

“You think that the goal is to be over there, and we say the goal is the journey over there; the goal is the fun you have along the way on your way to over there.” ~Abraham

I have a clear memory of my mother looking at my bookshelves several years ago and commenting, “You’re always reading all these self-help books, and where has it gotten you?”

I responded with a quip about how I’ll always be working to align my personality with my soul, to which she scoffed and said, “When will you grow up and realize you have a great life, a great job, and great friends—and just enjoy it?!”

Of course, all I heard was “When are you going to grow up?” Her point, however, was a wise one: Just enjoy your life. She made a similar comment a couple of years later.

I had just been told the place I was living was going to be turned into an art studio for my landlady. Thankfully, she gave me two months notice to find a new place. But man, I loved my cinder block house on the river and was crushed by the news.

I called my mom in tears. I complained about how I’d never find someplace else so wonderful and how unhappy things were with my job. I talked about wanting to just sell everything I owned and take a walkabout.

Mom didn’t say a lot at the time. However, when I got up the next morning I had a long email from her. My favorite paragraph is this one:

Shannon, you should stop buying all that self-help crap and going off to retreats to find yourself. You are not perfect, never will be, and no one in the world is either. You make mistakes; we all do. Just live with it. You are a warm, intelligent woman—just live the best honest life you can.

All of my self-help books and years of spiritual study, and my mom nailed it in one simple paragraph. Granted, her delivery could use some work, but the essence of what she wrote was right on. Again.

I will, of course, continue to read personal development books and go on personal retreats. However, I no longer do those things because I think something was wrong with me. Now, I do them because I love myself.

However, I think the best message here is to just live the best honest life we can and let that be enough.

For the majority of my life, I’ve spent massive amounts of time beating up on myself. My inner critic is a loud and obnoxious voice that has seemed unstoppable. My biggest judgment of myself has been how I tend to “slumber” and “awaken” in my consciousness.

For example, when I was on a personal retreat in the mountains this summer, I was really feeling inspired, in the flow, and motivated to become a successful writer and speaker. I was excited about this new life I am creating and about feeling fully conscious again. I was sure I was going to maintain my awareness.

Then I came down off the mountain. Once back to the routine of my everyday life, I easily slipped back into distraction. I stopped meditating every day. I played computer games instead of writing. I vegged out to my favorite show on Netflix.

Once again, my inner critic rose up and I started to get really down on myself. It’s ironic that what inspired me to get out of my funk was my own voice recording from when I had been on retreat. Listening to it, I was reminded that slumbering and awakening are just a part of life.

I heard myself say, “When we do stumble, when we do fall, when we are capsized, we learn to have compassion and simply laugh at our humanness.”

I’ve realized it’s so easy for me to get caught up in this idea that I need to be perfect. If I only drink enough green smoothies, go to yoga class, and chant an hour each day, then I can be happy. However, the minute I skip some part of this self-imposed regimen, I beat myself up and feel like a total failure.

Life is about slumbering and awakening. It’s about falling off the wagon, the exercise routine, the diet, the spiritual practice. Anyone who appears to always be perfectly aligned is most likely not being fully authentic. We are human, and this is what being human means.

My dear mother, at age eighty-three, has got this message without having read or studied any of the numerous discourses on this subject. She just enjoys her life.

At the end of the day, what is most important is how we answer the question: Were we kind to one another? And, equally important, were we kind to ourselves?

People jumping image via Shutterstock

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