Source: Simple Organic Life
Tag: wisdom
-
Falling Apart at Inconvenient Times: Why There Is No Shame in Public Pain
“The major block to compassion is the judgment in our minds. Judgment is the mind’s primary tool of separation.” ~David R. Hamilton
On the evening of October 28, 2014, the phone rang. When I heard my stepmother’s voice, immediately, I thought, “This can’t be good.”
Last I had heard, my father was resting comfortably after routine surgery earlier that day. Now it was past midnight in North Carolina.
“Jill,” my stepmother implored, “please talk to the nurses. I have no idea what they are trying to tell me.” Sometimes we cannot listen to what we do not want to hear.
The nurse came on the phone and confirmed my worst fears. My father had suddenly become septic and was quickly heading into multiple organ failure.
In her “I’m trying to tell a complete stranger her father is dying in the nicest way possible” kind of voice, the nurse told me I might want to make plans to get out there as soon as possible; now would be good.
I booked the first available flight. Sleepless and terrified, I boarded the plane. After settling into my seat, a lifetime of Dad memories raced through my mind. A lump in my throat began to rise and swell at the thought of seeing my father, helpless and frail, making his way from this world to the next.
“Please don’t lose it on this plane,” I carefully cajoled myself.
A distraction seemed in order, so I put the earbuds in, set the music to shuffle, and held my breath. As luck would have it, the first song depicted a powerful tale of loss that felt like an illuminated road sign on a dark, lonely highway. Death is a road we all travel.
When I heard the words of my own story, told by someone I had never met, I couldn’t hold back anymore. First a few quiet tears, followed by the full-on ugly cry—right there in row 17, seat C.
“Oh dear,” I thought, “I am officially that person.”
We all know that person: the one who breaks into tears in the grocery line after discovering “happily ever after” was not to be. The co-worker stifling sobs behind the fourth-floor bathroom stall when he learns he is next to be downsized. Or, in my case, the middle-aged woman in 17C trying desperately to get home in time to say goodbye to her father.
Amidst heaving sobs, I glanced across the aisle and met the gaze of a fellow passenger. With only his eyes, he kindly whispered, “Yep. You’re that person.” With only my eyes, in return, I answered, “Yep. You’re right.”
It was as if life had stolen my undergarments and hung them in the public square to dry. I felt exposed, raw, ashamed. If only my feelings would have shown up on schedule, preferably in the privacy of my own home, thank you very much.
Humans can be parsed into two categories: those who have been that person and those who will be. Like a rude party guest, the unsoothable pain of loss can show up, uninvited, at the worst possible times and demand from us things we don’t want to give.
So often we shun grief or sorrow that cannot wait for a convenient time to be felt. Perhaps witnessing another’s sorrow ignites our own, so we create a safe distance with our judgment: “Some people really oughta learn how to keep it together.”
We wouldn’t tell a child in pain to knock it off and keep it together. Why would we say this to ourselves? Why would we demand this from others?
I regret to inform you feelings cannot be scheduled. There will be moments when the thread unspools faster than we can wind it. This is okay.
Feelings do not need to be fixed because they are not broken; neither are you.
It is when we are most vulnerable that we are most deserving of our own loving-kindness. Those song lyrics and the compassion in my aisle mate’s eyes were the only things I needed that day. While it didn’t make the pain stop, I did feel a little less alone with it, which made all the difference.
We know that person because we are that person.
When it is your turn in the cosmic hot seat, I invite you to offer yourself the blessing of your own loving grace. Speak to yourself as you would a child in pain. If you get the honor of bearing witness to another’s unspooling, why not offer your fellow human the same blessing: I see you. I hear you. I love you.
Sad girl image via Shutterstock
-
It’s Not Settling to Love Someone Who Doesn’t Match Your Fantasy
“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I’ve always been a dreamer. A really big dreamer. For the most part, it’s served me well. I was the first person in my family to graduate from college. A private college, magna cum laude, while raising four children alone. I don’t do mediocrity.
I worked hard and brought our family out of poverty singlehandedly. We moved to a better neighborhood, built a nice house, and went on vacations. I was no ordinary woman. I’d much prefer to raise those kids alone than to settle for the companionship of a mere mortal man.
The man I sought had to be equally well-educated, ambitious, successful, attractive, and generous.
I also would have preferred that he not want any children and would be happy to help me raise mine since I had so many.
Finally, he had to be well-read, close to my own age, and not addicted to television. I froze out the older men who would have been happy to date me.
Guess what happened? I raised those four kids alone while reading every self-help book I could find and begging every deity I could think of to send me a mate. I absolutely refused to “settle.”
It’s very common for people who’ve been single for a long time to say that they won’t settle. They maintain that they could have been married or in a relationship by this time if they’d settled, but they are going to hold out for the best.
How about you? Are you holding out for a “package,” a person who possesses all of the qualities on a list you’ve made?
If so, I’d like to encourage you to consider the value of having a flesh and blood human being in your life to love you, care when you’ve had a bad day at work, or bring you soup when you’re sick. You’ll have the opportunity to experience loving this person back and sharing your life with them. It’s tough to cuddle up to a list.
The truth is, dating someone who doesn’t possess every quality you wish for isn’t the same thing as settling. You probably don’t have every trait your would-be mate desires and whether you realize it or not, you’ve already been settling.
Being open to dating outside your type is not settling. Most of us understand that we’re not going to get every single thing we want in life and it really is okay.
You don’t refuse to find a place to live just because you can’t afford a ten-bedroom mansion. Instead, you buy or rent a place within your means and go on about your business. This is a perfectly reasonable thing to do and most of us are fine with the concept until we consider dating. Then we insist on “having it all.”
If you’re only 5’4”, does he really have to be over six feet tall? Wouldn’t you prefer that he was kind to you? If she’s at the gym five times a week, but doesn’t want to be your girlfriend because she’s still seeing other men, what’s the point?
If you have a “list,” consider which items are the most important to you and prioritize them. You’re probably not going to find someone who has everything you want, but you can find someone who has what you value most highly.
Consider what traits add value to a relationship. For example, “chemistry” and “sense of humor” are fun and necessary to some extent, but “conflict resolution” and “good character” can make or break a long-term partnership. These qualities may not be as romantic, but where’s the last person you had off the charts chemistry with right now?
When you meet someone you really like, that person most likely will need to give up a few items on his or her wish list in order to be with you. He may have wanted someone who loved college football, she may have preferred someone taller. There may be unanticipated differences in political opinions, food preferences, or hobbies.
No matter what desired traits are being given up, your intended will hopefully choose to be with you, a real person, instead of holding out for someone who possesses qualities on a list. Ideally, he or she will realize that the person their list describes may not exist, but you do. You are here with them now and offering them a chance at love.
They can make the most of this chance now, or refuse to settle and relinquish the opportunity to be with you. Sadly, many of us do move on in pursuit of “the list” and continue to do so for years despite the lack of evidence that this mythical person exists.
Refusing to settle is often cited as the reason for being single, but if you think about it you’ll realize that you’ve been settling all along.
Most likely, you’ve settled for years alone or you’ve been dating people who haven’t been treating you well. You let them get away with their subpar treatment of you because of the chemistry you feel, their success, or physical appeal.
Did you dump that nice guy who was only an inch taller than you for the six foot tall MBA who never had time for you? What about blowing off the sweet but slightly insecure girl for the more mysterious, harder to get woman who ended up cheating on you? That’s settling.
I myself finally learned the value of prioritization, and after more than a decade alone found myself with a wonderful man.
He doesn’t go to the gym, eat kale, or share my religion, but he adores me. I feel safe with him, and he lets me know how loved I am every single day. It turns out that being the apple of someone’s eye is a wonderful experience and very much worth “settling” for.
Surface traits are very enticing, but they do not offer much in the way of long-term relationship potential.
Don’t trade an idea that has no basis in reality for the experience of having love in your life. The person your list describes likely doesn’t exist, and if he or she does, once you get to know them, you may find they’re not perfect either. If what you really want is a fulfilling relationship, open your heart and prioritize love today.
Couple in love image via Shutterstock
-
The Key to Breaking Painful, Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
“Forgiveness is just another name for freedom.” ~Byron Katie
Aside from the fact that I was born on Groundhog Day, I didn’t know why I kept falling into the same relationship patterns, which inevitably led to heart-crushing breakups.
I knew that I had a deep capacity to love, or so I thought, but it somehow wasn’t enough. I always ended up either feeling taken for granted or fighting desperately for my partner’s attention after the initial attraction phase wore off.
I couldn’t help becoming someone else, someone I thought I needed to be in order to avoid being abandoned. This, of course, backfired, because it further lowered my self-esteem and caused me become even clingier and more neurotic.
It was hard to not get down on myself for who I became in relationships. I didn’t know how to process the end of a relationship or how to separate what was my partner’s emotional stuff and what was mine, so I walked into the next relationship with accumulated anger, resentments, and taller walls around my heart.
It was easier to blame the guy for being emotionally unavailable, withdrawn, selfish, and all the other names I called him. This went on for over a decade.
Still, somehow my divorce was peaceful, and at times I even called my ex-husband in despair after a breakup, crying, “He doesn’t want me anymore.”
He’d jokingly say, “Well, you shouldn’t have divorced me.”
I knew what he meant. And I knew why I called him. It was the only relationship that didn’t blow up in my face at the end. I needed to see that I wasn’t a complete and utter mess and that I had something good to offer in a relationship, even if it didn’t last forever. We were able to remain friends who talked a few times a year.
After my third heartbreak, I knew that something had to give. I became very depressed and lost hope for being able to have a happy relationship that didn’t end in divorce or a dramatic breakup.
I kept asking the Universe, “Why am I not healing? What is wrong with me? Why do I end up falling in love with unavailable men and then clinging onto them for dear life?”
I prayed all day, every day. My hope was eroding fast and my self-rejection was growing by leaps and bounds.
The answer came in the form of one word: forgiveness.
To be honest, I was not interested in forgiving anything or anyone. I wouldn’t even know where to begin or who to forgive. Instead, I just added more toxicity to my pain by letting resentments turn to hate. This gave me a false sense of power and the illusion of protection from further pain, disappointment, deception, and betrayal. I felt like I’d had enough of all of these.
In my mind, forgiveness meant that I would die without receiving compensation for the ways I’d been wronged. That was just not okay.
I sat on my throne of righteous indignation for a few more weeks. In the meantime, I was twisted up in knots over the guilt I felt from having hurt all my partners, which I didn’t know what to do with either.
I wrote an email to my last boyfriend, which he didn’t respond to. That hurt even more. I got to feel what it’s like to not be forgiven for the mistakes you’ve made.
Non-forgiveness may feel like power and protection, but it ends up becoming a lonely, self-made prison cell. At that point, I knew that I was creating more unhappiness and loneliness for myself.
I finally gave in. Even though it took weeks for my ego to calm down and open to the idea of looking at who and what I needed to forgive, the thought alone started to make me feel lighter.
Since my biggest pain revolved around men, I started with my father.
In my last three relationships, I had relived the trauma I’d experienced with my dad.
My father loved his younger sister more than any of us and was never shy about expressing it. As a little girl, I watched my father adore my aunt in ways I longed to be adored by him. She was a grown woman, only eight years younger than him, but he treated her like his beloved little girl he would bend over backward to please.
What I got was mostly scolding, angry, disapproving eyes from him. I knew that he was capable of offering love to someone, but that someone was not me. My aunt had already filled that spot before I was born (not her fault) and there was nothing I could do to be daddy’s little girl.
I felt helpless. He was the only father I had, and I was too young to seek other solutions.
Of course, the men I fell in love with played this part really well: They all had a former lover they couldn’t get over, they had a wandering eye that left me feeling as if I weren’t enough for them, or they were burned out from showering their former partners with adoration and getting hurt in the end.
They were wounded by those partners (and possibly their own mothers), so they either didn’t know how to connect intimately with a woman and commit to her, or they were too burned to risk going there again. Regardless, I was getting the short end of the stick despite how much I loved them.
As I wrote my story, I started seeing the threads. I prayed for this pattern to be healed and lifted up from my consciousness, burned the pages along with it, and let go of the outcome.
I waited for the process to start working and watched for signs. Nothing seemed different for a while. I was still grieving and feeling remorse for my own mistakes.
Then I realized that I had to process my “love story” from the vantage point of my former lovers and forgive myself as well. The other side of the non-forgiveness medal was guilt. Both were toxic and blocks to my happiness.
So I wrote about my mistakes and again asked the Universe to give me a clean slate. At this point, knowing that there was nothing I could do, I put all my focus on caring for myself and making plans to achieve my goals. I wasn’t in charge of the Universe and couldn’t dictate when the healing was supposed to come.
A few days later my last partner called and said that he wanted to have a heart-to-heart conversation with me. I didn’t know whether he wanted to yell at me or talk about patching things up, but I agreed to meet. I had nothing to lose.
I called a good friend and told him what had happened and all about my forgiveness process. As I was telling him the story, it felt as if the person who was talking was not me. My words were softer; there wasn’t a trace of anger or blame left in them.
I heard myself say, “It’s no one’s fault, you know. We are all trying to find healing. Even my father. He didn’t know how to be with his daughter. His relationship with my aunt was safe. For some reason it was in the cards for me to experience that neglect so I could use it for something greater.”
In that moment I felt my heart open. I saw the walls around my heart melt away in my mind’s eye. He was quiet for the longest minute. Then he said, “Banu, this is the most loving thing I have ever heard you say. I am speechless.”
I can’t explain what a miracle is, but I now know they exist.
My former partner and I had our talk, and I was able to hear his side without getting defensive or attacking back. I was no longer looking at him and seeing my dad. I could just see Jim as Jim, as the man I love and as someone whose healing I could contribute to by giving him the gift of seeing who he truly is.
After our talk, as we started spending time together, I found myself actually seeing him for the first time. He was freed from the role he had to play for me in order to get to this place of forgiveness. He was free to be himself.
The future of us? Who knows? We decided to take it one day at a time and rebuild trust. I no longer feel the need to make him do or be anything.
My heart is at peace knowing that I now have something more to offer in a relationship than my projections and resentments from the past, which have nothing to do with the person I am relating to. I have to tell you, I feel like a new person.
Your pain served a purpose and brought you to this place where you can also recognize your own patterns, if you’re willing to look for them. In a way, those unhealthy relationships were gifts because they provided clues as to what needs healing in your life. So give forgiveness a chance. That is the only way to wipe your slate clean.
Recognize that we are all perfectly imperfect—we’re all working through our own patterns and trying to heal our pain—and that forgiveness is the biggest gift you can give yourself and anyone. I hope that you can have this. You are worth it.
Sad girl with heart image via Shutterstock
-
How Complaining Keeps Us Stuck in Relationships That Don’t Work
“As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.” ~Charlie Chaplin
When I was eight years old my father burst into my room in the middle of the night, high on drugs, and threw my dresser drawers all over the place.
“Stop your crying!” he screamed. “Stop your crying!”
There was a crazy man in my room and I was terrified.
“Now clean up this mess!”
I was shaking. What on earth could I have possibly done to deserve this? With a slam of the door he was gone.
For years my father annihilated me like this. He shamed me in public and raged at me behind closed doors. He was emotionally abusive and sometimes physical too.
He taught me to believe that everyone was out to get me and that everything was my fault. He taught me to believe that I was a worthless piece of you-know-what and that I didn’t deserve any better. Seriously, how else is an eight-year-old supposed to interpret this kind of adult behavior?
Raise of the hand, excuse me, Dad, but what you’re doing is messing me up for the long run. I was a kid. I assumed I was getting the parenting and love I deserved.
Growing up I took what my father taught me out into the world and perfected it. The first girlfriend I ever had cheated on me with another man, yet I stayed with her because I thought I didn’t deserve any better.
My best thinking (at the time) told me that nobody else would ever love me, so I stayed and allowed her to treat me badly.
I lived in a one-bedroom apartment for four years even though every time I needed something fixed the landlord would yell at me. She would yell at me as if I was the problem, yet I stayed and paid my rent each and every month on time. I had no self to esteem and allowed her to treat me poorly.
See my pattern? I stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships. In fact, I’m in one right now.
I have stayed in the same painful relationship for the past thirteen years. It’s a relationship that no longer works for me, yet I keep going back to it as if one day, magically, things will change. Shake of the head, things never change.
I have been yelled at, threatened, and taken advantage of. I’m undervalued, underappreciated, and constantly miserable. Take, take, take, that’s all the other side does.
Each day leaves me emotionally drained, mentally distraught, and in a fowl mood. It’s obviously an unhealthy relationship, yet I stay because my stinking thinking tells me I don’t deserve anything better. I’m talking about my job.
I hate my job. Okay, maybe hate is a little over the top. Let’s just say I don’t like my job.
Yet each day I get up, shower, put on my uniform, and return. Voluntarily, mind you. And that makes me sad.
Sad because by staying, I’m allowing myself to be that scared little eight-year-old all over again. By staying, I’m telling myself that I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve anything better. I’m ‘parenting’ myself the same way I was parented by my father.
I should’ve left my first girlfriend when she cheated on me, but I didn’t know how to take care of myself then, so I stayed. A healthy person with healthy boundaries would’ve been out of there. I wasn’t healthy.
I should’ve told my landlord that it wasn’t okay to yell at me, but I didn’t and I stayed. I didn’t have the tools to stand up for myself and therefore allowed her to bully me.
We do this, don’t we? We stay in and or return to painful destructive relationships when we deserve so much more. We do this with family members, boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, and yes, we even do this with jobs.
But why? What’s the payoff for staying? (Trust me, there’s always a payoff.)
For me, it’s about sympathy, which fuels my low self-esteem. If I complain loudly enough someone will ultimately sympathize with me, which in return validates my pain. Look at me, I’m a victim!
Trust me when I tell you, I complain a lot. I complain at the bank, while driving in my car, at work, at the movies, at home, on vacation, at the grocery store, and so on. All so I can validate my childhood belief that I don’t deserve any better.
In the process I’ve created a reality that coincides with my thoughts. A reality that looks a lot like my childhood. Argh.
Deep sigh. I’m tired of being a victim. It’s exhausting and it’s gotten me nowhere.
Folks, this isn’t about my job or a past girlfriend or landlord, this is about me. It’s about me not being a victim anymore and learning to love myself in return. When my emotional suffering goes away, I’ll have the strength to walk away from things that aren’t serving me instead of complaining.
If I stop complaining, what am I left with? Me, just me.
And that right there is the gift! Getting a chance to be with just me. To love and affirm me.
Talk about an amazing opportunity for growth. If I’m working at being the best me I can possibly be, I’m doing myself a disservice by wasting time complaining. We all are.
Complaining doesn’t change anything. It just keeps us stuck, victimized, repeating old patterns and unable to change them. The alternative? Take responsibility for our part, forgive ourselves for the patterns we’ve perpetuated, treat ourselves with the love and respect we know we deserve, and begin to make positive changes in our lives.
So what’s my next right action? Well, just for today I’m going to see if I can go twenty-four hours without complaining and at the very least stop/catch myself if I start to. I’m also going to be grateful for what I have in my life, which is a lot.
Gratitude list here I come! I deserve the good stuff. We all do.
Couple in prison image via Shutterstock
-
The Joy of Doing Less: 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Time
“Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly. It’s your masterpiece after all.” ~Nathan W. Morris
I began 2015 by cleaning out my closet. I sold and donated and trashed the pieces that weren’t serving me anymore. Embarrassingly enough, I purged nearly 100 items. It felt great. Getting rid of stuff and seeing beauty behind the clutter was incredible. But this story isn’t really about my closet.
It’s also not about my desk drawers, my linen closet, or my kitchen, which all came next. As it turns out, getting rid of clutter and extra things was just the tip of the iceberg. In the same way that buying things didn’t make me feel better, getting rid of things wasn’t really the solution, either.
What I initially imagined as an exercise in clothing minimalism has turned into a pursuit of “better, but less” across all areas of my life. So I started thinking about what it was that I valued most, that I wanted more of most. The answer? Time.
I wanted time to finish what I started. I wanted time with my most important people. I wanted time for pleasure and healing. And I wanted time to go slowly. After nearly a year, the result is more joy, more freedom, more space for what matters.
So how can you declutter your schedule and create better priorities? It’s about crafting joy through not just having less, but doing less. Here are some ideas on how to make it happen:
Honestly look at what you’re already committed to.
None of this works if you aren’t honest about what’s already in your schedule. From major work commitments to how much time you’re choosing to be on Facebook, keep a candid journal on where your time goes. Watch this for a little while. Try not to judge yourself, but look at what you’re prioritizing, consciously or unconsciously.
Once you see what you’re committed to and how you’re spending your time, you can start to edit. Does what’s on your schedule line up with your values and goals? Or is it time to make a shift?
I realized that I was committed to far too many projects, and that I wasn’t able to do them all well. I also acknowledged that I needed what I call “integration time”—a buffer where I could process new lessons or emotional events.
Since then, I’ve signed up for fewer classes and scheduled more time for myself to integrate what I’m learning.
I’ve scaled back the number of happy hours I attend in exchange for coffee dates during the day. This leaves me quiet evenings at home for reading, crafting, and relaxing.
I’ve also pared back the number of political causes I’m a part of, choosing to focus on one or two important projects at a time.
Follow the “three thing” rule.
It’s like the old saying: “If everything is a priority, then nothing is.” Choose three things that are the real priorities in your life. Start small. What are the three things you want to accomplish today? Start with those as the skeleton of your day, and build everything else around them.
You might not do those three things first, chronologically, but arrange your day so that you’re sure they’ll happen. Or, you may find that unless you make time for reading, meditation, or exercise before work, that it won’t happen.
I’ve noticed that this “three thing” rule is also a good boundary for understanding when I’ve done “enough.” As someone who has a hard time switching off sometimes, using the three thing rule as a guidepost can help me to know when to call it a day. If I’ve accomplished what I absolutely need to, then maybe I can afford stop work to go for a walk or make a great home-cooked meal.
Honing in on only three things helps us to clear the noise and distractions so that we can focus on what feels most meaningful. You can start to extrapolate, too: what are the three things you want to make sure happen this week? This month? This year? Choosing only three makes sure that we are ruthlessly clear on what matters most.
Start saying no.
This one is pretty simple. If it’s not supporting your values, your priorities, your “three things” or your inner well-being, it has to be a no.
I suggest that for a set period of time (two weeks tends to do the trick), everything that isn’t already on your plate is a no. This gives your brain and schedule a break from more input before you dive in again.
Of course, there are times when it’s not reasonable to drop everything, such as if you’re caring for a child or aging parents. If this is the case, it’s even more important to pare down the nonessential, and maybe even ask for help.
The ability to craft elegant boundaries and a good rubric for new commitments can be a process. But over time, you’ll learn to trust your intuition. In the meantime, get some practice in confidently saying no. People in your life will also learn how to hear your no, and respect it.
If lots of noes seem awkward to you, just remember that you’re actually saying yes to what you really want.
When I was caring for my mom when she was ill a few years ago, I needed a lot of time to recharge in between visits. Some friends were offended when I turned down plans; others actually responded with offers of support.
Just by being honest, and a little vulnerable, with what I needed (time and space to digest), I was able to get it. What a novel concept!
—
I’ve spent the last year rigorously employing these tactics to free myself from overwhelm and commitments that stopped feeling good. This has meant paring back my volunteer commitments and some community classes where I’d been involved. It’s meant saying no to enticing invitations and choosing not to sign up for fascinating opportunities.
This might have been awkward, but I find that most people are familiar with that feeling of overwhelm. They recognize it in themselves. Most people actually respect that I’m choosing to honor my well-being in this way, and that I’m interested in quality over quantity.
The results of scaling back were really surprising to me. Doing less not only gives me more space for my own care, but it actually allows me to make a greater impact. I’m doing less, but I’m doing it with more grace and accountability. I do what I say I’m going to do. I have the time and space to follow through well on my commitments.
By doing less, I’m able to show up more present for the people in my life and be more grounded in the present moment. By focusing on fewer projects, commitments and calendar-clutter, I’m doing less, but I’m doing everything fully—and with far more joy.
Clock and flip flops image via Shutterstock
-
How to Use Self-Care for a Brighter, Less Stressful Life
“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” ~Sydney Harris
I was working myself into the ground and I knew it. Balancing a full-time job, my fledgling business, studies, home life, and relationships, I was constantly feeling the pressure and slowly, the cracks were showing.
I was exhausted, I was argumentative, I wasn’t taking care of my health, and my business had transformed from my creative outlet to a source of incredible stress.
I kept thinking, “I just need one day to relax, just one day!” but even when I had the chance, I couldn’t let go of the pressure I was allowing to take over my life. I felt like I was stuck in a never-ending cycle and I couldn’t escape.
Of course, I knew I needed to take better care of myself and my health. Deliberately not getting enough sleep so I could work more, skipping yoga to write articles, eating breakfast at lunch time and relying on coffee could only ever take me so far.
Eventually, I realized that if I wanted to create a life I loved, I needed to start taking self-care a little more seriously. Even though I was ticking the boxes professionally and in my business, I knew I wanted so much more that that.
What about adventure? What about long baths and good books? What about eating regularly and moving my body? What about sleeping in and taking my dog for walks? I was replacing all of these things that light me up with a cycle of stress, fear, and overwhelm.
It was time to change.
I started off small, with a daily five-minute meditation. I figured that no matter what was happening, I could take just five minutes for myself each day!
After a couple of days, I started to notice how much I was looking forward to my meditations. They refreshed and refocused my mind, uplifted my spirits, and gave me the chance I needed to take a break (even if it was for just a short time).
As I noticed how these meditations positively affected the way I felt, the way I worked, and the way I thought, I decided it was time to dive deep into this mindful, self-care thing. And I haven’t looked back.
To bring more mindfulness and self-care into your own life (even when you’re busy!), feel free to try the tips below!
Take a deep breath, regularly.
It really is amazing what a simple breath can do! Whenever I’m starting to feel overwhelmed or stressed, my first act of self-care is to take one deep breath. Straight away, I feel any tension in my body begin to release.
Sometimes that simple breath is enough to refresh and refocus. Sometimes I feel like I need to take a few more breaths. Sometimes I realize that I need a proper break because I’m feeling so overwhelmed that I won’t be doing my best work anyway.
The beauty of taking a deep breath is that it’s one of the shortest forms of self-care I know! Even if I were to practice it fifty times a day, it would still only take a minute or two, altogether.
The other wonderful thing about deep breathing is that you can do it anywhere, at anytime. Whether you’re halfway through an exciting meeting, on the cusp of finishing a project, dealing with conflict, or anything in between, you can allow yourself to take that little bit of time to breathe.
Journal with gratitude.
Embracing gratitude is another simple way to show yourself some meaningful self-care and inject happiness into your day. I noticed that the more I looked for things to be grateful for, the more I found.
The wonderful thing about keeping a gratitude journal is that it starts to train your mind to notice the good in your life. Whether you have a safe home, access to nutritious food, an encouraging support network, a healthy body, a beloved pet, or a stable job, gratitude helps you to acknowledge those wonderful things.
Before I started deliberately practicing gratitude, it was natural for me to focus on the negative aspects of my life because I believed that’s how I would fix them.
If I kept thinking about not having enough money, it would drive me to make more. If I focused on not going to the gym often enough, I would guilt myself into showing up. If I noticed the things which weren’t going well at work, I would motivate myself to make meaningful changes.
While that kind of thinking can be useful sometimes, it’s important to keep our eyes open to the good things, too. Our strengths. Our family and friends. Realizing that even if we want more, we actually do have enough.
Simply note down a few things you’re grateful for at the end of each day to start flexing that powerful gratitude muscle!
Listen to your body and its needs.
You know when you’re exhausted, but there’s just one more email to answer? Then, you realize that the dishes need to be washed. And you really should take a shower… Suddenly, it’s after midnight and your alarm is set to go off in less than six hours and just the thought of another exhausting day tomorrow is enough to make you want to cry.
It doesn’t have to be like that.
Yes, life gets busy. There might be lots of things to do. However, I noticed that my life started to feel a whole lot lighter when I decided to prioritize my needs above everything else.
When I’m tired, I try to head to bed early or take a nap. When I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m feeling particularly stressed, I go to yoga or meditate.
All I had to do was start listening to my body and choosing to honor what it was telling me.
After all, the emails can wait until morning, I can ask someone else to do the dishes and as for a shower—well, that’s what dry shampoo and deodorant is for!
Learn to say no.
There’s a big reason why I often had so much going on that I felt like I was drowning—I just couldn’t say no.
Not only did I struggle to say no to others, I also found it harder to say no to myself. New idea for an upgrade to my website? Sure. Home-cooked meal and dessert? Why not. Exercise? Of course.
Learning to say no to others, but more importantly, to myself, was one of the biggest stress relievers and forms of self-care I’ve found.
It’s quite simple, really. “No, thank you.” You’re allowed to say it! You know you want to…
Go for a mindful walk.
Sometimes, we just need a good, old break. Time to be alone, away from technology, in nature and in the moment.
There are several ways to go for a mindful walk, but my favorite method is to really tune into my sense of sight.
You can easily try this, too. When you go for a walk, notice all the things you can see. What colors are there around you? What have you not seen before? What does the weather look like? Which natural things do you notice? What about man-made things?
Simply choose to experience the wealth of sights around you for a refreshing, mindful walk.
Bonus tip: Remember, you’re in charge, here.
If self-care is something you want, or need, then go for it! Do what feels good for you, lights you up, and reduces stress and overwhelm.
If one minute a day is all you can manage, that’s okay!
If you need a week to unwind, take a break and do some of your favorite things, that’s okay, too!
It’s entirely up to you.
Girl doing yoga image via Shutterstock
-
How to Overcome Fear and Live Your Dream by Changing Your Brain
“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” ~Les Brown
Fear used to be the driving force in my life.
I didn’t even know that I was living in fear at the time. I hid behind labels like “stress” and “anxiety,” but those are just clinical terms for fear.
Truthfully, my dreams terrified me because they seemed way too big to achieve. At the time, I wanted to excel in my new career, get into the best shape of my life, and create meaningful relationships—and I felt like I had a long way to go.
So naturally, I got really stressed out.
And why, oh why, did it feel okay?
It seems like stress is such commonplace now that we think we’re slackers if we don’t feel tense all the time. But that’s just our fear finding excuses to stick around.
Once I finally realized that stress was just an option, I started looking for a way through it. And I found the answers in a simple Japanese philosophy called Kaizen, which is the practice of continuous improvement through small, consistent steps.
I learned that whenever we’re scared about making change it’s because the steps we’re taking are too big, and these leaps of faith will trigger a life-saving biological response: fear.
But luckily, there’s a way to turn that fear off, and it all starts with your brain, specifically your amygdala.
Shut Down Your Amygdala by Asking Tiny Questions
Your amygdala plays a heavy role in your fight-or-flight response, a physiological reaction to something threatening (like those big dreams of yours).
When you come across a scary thought or situation, your brain will enter flight mode and your amygdala will literally stop your brain from producing new thoughts. Most artists know this as creative block, but it’s really just fear.
So your big dreams aren’t the problem—your amygdala is. And you can turn your amygdala off by asking tiny questions.
When I decided that I wanted to excel in my career, I didn’t start out with a question like “How can I help my company revolutionize the world?” No. That question would terrify even the most capable person.
Instead, I took a step back and asked tiny questions. I thought about things like “What one benefit do I hope to deliver to our audience?” Or, “What can I do for ten minutes today that will bring me closer to completing this project?”
Tiny questions like that aren’t intimidating at all.
In fact, they’re quite doable.
Eradicate Fear by Taking Small, Relentless Steps
Once you start asking tiny questions, then you can start taking tiny actions.
The key is to pick things that are small enough to keep your amygdala from getting in the way.
And that’s why New Year’s Resolutions never work. For example, on January 1st we decide that we want to lose twenty pounds and completely give up chocolate; so we restrict our calories and give up our vice all at the same time.
When you put yourself up against a mountain, the big steps you’re forced to take will trigger your flight response and ultimately lead to stress and burnout.
If you want to achieve a big goal, you have to break it up into tiny steps.
I used this tiny-step tactic when I started focusing on becoming healthier. I didn’t do anything radical—although that’s how it started out, and I had to fail over and over until I realized radical wouldn’t work.
Instead, I took the slow and steady route, and it was brutally slow. It took me about two years to really gain momentum, but it trained me to reject instant gratification and just go slow.
First, I started avoiding processed foods, and I focused on that until I mastered it. Then, I started focusing on only eating until I’m full, and I focused on that until I mastered it.
Then I started going to the gym two days a week and I kept it up until I gained the momentum I needed to go four days a week.
I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but I proved to myself (and hopefully to you) that small steps are much more successful at making big change.
And I’ve become the healthiest version of myself because of it.
Get Excited—It’s a Fearless Emotion
But what about the people who don’t do tiny things? What about the people who do really big things and do them exceptionally well?
These people have a very special talent: They know how to get really excited about their goals, and excitement is another way to keep your flight response off.
So if you want to successfully achieve your dreams, you need to get excited about them! It will help you avoid fear and take projects on with enthusiasm.
For example, my boss just gave me approval to write a book, which is something I’ve always wanted to do, and I was absolutely thrilled!
Instead of letting myself become overwhelmed by the size of this project, I chose to get over-the-moon excited about it, which helps me stay focused and creative.
Have you ever felt so fired up about an idea that you can’t wait to start working on it? If so, don’t ever let that feeling go. It will propel your dreams faster than anything.
But if you can’t make the excitement last (and that’s okay—fear likes to creep in any chance it gets), then try using visualization.
Train Your Brain with Visualization
To get yourself to do something that scares you, you need to visualize yourself doing it first. And you need to visualize it over and over because repetition is how your brain masters new skills.
And if you consistently visualize it every day (and all you really need is just thirty seconds daily), you’ll start to mentally master the action. Then all your body has to do is follow through.
The key to effective visualization is to involve excruciating detail.
You need to visualize what it’s going to look like just as much as what it’s going to sound, feel, and emote like. You also need to imagine how you’ll react to different possible scenarios, including the worst possible outcome.
What will you do if you fail? What will the alternative actions be? How will you feel?
When you mentally train yourself to deal with potential failure, you won’t give up when that bump in the road actually happens.
Apply These Concepts to Big and Small Goals
You can use visualization to accomplish anything and everything, even the super small stuff, which is where everyone should start.
One of the best ways I’ve used visualization was to mentally train myself to say hello to strangers. It’s such a small thing, but that’s how I knew it could make a profound difference in my life.
Saying hello to strangers was always something that I wanted to feel comfortable with, but I felt this unshakable resistance to it. And it all boiled down to being scared of rejection—something we people pleasers fear most.
Ah yes, I was terrified of how I would feel if people didn’t say hello back. It’s so silly and almost petty, but that’s how my mind was programmed at the time.
So I started visualizing myself doing this super simple task that I was afraid of. I would visualize myself saying hello to strangers in the supermarket while smiling and feeling whole (i.e. not seeking their approval).
I would also visualize the worst possible outcome, which is that they ignore me (sooo scary, I know), and I would visualize how I felt when that happened: still smiling and still whole.
Then I took this visualization into the real world.
I started smiling and saying hello to strangers, and I felt genuinely happy while doing it. Sometimes it would turn into engaging conversation, other times it would turn into absolutely nothing. But no matter what the outcome was, I was always smiling.
Using visualization this way helped me gain the momentum I needed to create meaningful relationships in my life. Today some of the most amazing people I know were once strangers that I simply said hello to.
Sometimes we resist small changes and small habits because they seem too easy to make a profound difference in our lives. But I challenge you to reject that notion.
Every mental, physical, or spiritual block you’re facing can be softened with the Kaizen mentality. Life will become a beautiful opportunity to create something meaningful, and you can do it with confidence and ease.
What passion project have you been putting off?
And what tiny action can you make today that will get you one step closer?
