Tag: wisdom

5 Common Regrets and How to Avoid Them

“I don’t regret the things I’ve done, I regret the things I didn’t do when I had the chance.” ~Unknown

If you had a second chance at life, what would you resolve to do differently? What would you regret from your past if you had the power to change it in your future?

In 2011, Bronnie Ware wrote a wonderful book called Top 5 Regrets Of The Dying.

As a palliative care nurse, Bronnie spent several years working with patients during their final weeks of life. She documented the dying epiphanies of her patients and began to notice some similarities—five in particular (hence, the title of her book).

It’s a beautiful reminder not to take life for granted and to live a life you would be proud of.

Regret Is a Terrible Thing to Witness

For many years I have witnessed the regret of the living—my fellow patients, in over five different hospitals, both interstate and internationally. I’ve been a patient in many ward types (intensive care, cardiac, vascular, orthopedic, infection control, plastics, emergency, and rehabilitation, just to name some). But palliative care has not been one of them.

I spent over a year in hospital. The first time, and the majority of that time, was in rehabilitation. Over the years I’ve returned for more surgery, and again I would pass through rehabilitation wards for several days or weeks.

Above: In rehab, learning to walk again.

Where the purpose of a palliative care ward is to provide care at the end of life, the purpose of a rehabilitation ward is, as the name suggests, to rehabilitate people and teach them to live again.

There’s always an eclectic mix of people in a rehab ward. Some were stroke patients, like me. Some were learning to stand with a new prosthetic leg following amputation, like me. Others were adjusting to new methods of movement without using their arms after open-heart surgery. Also like me.

Regardless of the reason we were all in the hospital, one thing we all had in common was that, unlike Bronnie’s palliative care patients, eventually we were going to go home to start living again.

The hospital can be a very lonely place, and many patients, despite their wounds and ailments, were simply craving conversation.

I’d frequently chat with my fellow patients. It was a good way to pass the time and distract ourselves from the monotony of repetitive (but important) rehabilitative movements.

My fellow patients, all strangers, would often open up to me in a way that I would not experience had I started talking to that same stranger in the outside world.

Similar to Bronnie’s experiences, I heard a lot about regret. But following the confession of regret would come resolutions to do things differently “this time around.”

I’ve paraphrased these most common responses that I’ve heard over the years in rehab—the top five regrets of the living.

1. I wish I’d experienced more.

Upon reflection, many of my fellow rehab patients regretted not having experienced more, and vowed to do so once they “got out.” The experiences ranged from various things to do, see, or hear, but the most common was the regret at having not traveled more.

The sad irony was that many patients, like me, would be leaving the hospital in a wheelchair or with restricted movement. So experiencing more travel would not be an option.

Resolution: From now on I’m going to experience more.

2. I wish I’d listened more.

Many patients regretted not listening more to the advice of their doctor, family members, or well-meaning friends. I remember one larger woman who recalled her doctor advising her to lose weight. At the time, she believed he was “fat shaming” her and had not listened, until she had a resulting stroke.

One man regretted not having listened to his “nagging” family who had warned him against frequently poor diet choices. Diabetes took his leg and left him with regret.

Resolution: From now on I’m going to listen more.

3. I wish I hadn’t been so afraid to fail.

With their second chance at life, many patients were prepared to step out of their comfort zones in the future. Some patients had been so close to death (arguably the ultimate failure) that they no longer feared so many little failures in their day, such as failing to live up to other people’s expectations.

Resolution: From now on I won’t fear failure.

4. I wish I’d stood up for myself more.

Patients regretted not having voiced their opinions more frequently and stood up for themselves and their values or beliefs. Some had spent years in unhappy relationships or unfulfilling work, and it was only their hospitalization that had been their catalyst for change.

Resolution: From now on I’ll stand up for myself more.

5. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to…

The regret of procrastination was also common, and something that resonated with me. Patients said that they wished they’d done a certain something sooner—pick up the phone, seen the doctor, reunite with a friend… The list went on.

Resolution: From now on I’m going to stop waiting and start doing!

There were many similarities between the regrets of the dying and the regrets of the living.

However, the key difference was that my fellow patients and I all had an opportunity to take action on our regrets of the past and ensure they would not be regrets of the future.

What This Means for You

Going back to my question at the beginning of this post: If you had a second chance at life, what would you do differently?

It’s normal to have regrets. If you’ve ever had menu envy, you’ll regret not ordering X instead of Y.

I have regrets, but I make a point of not dwelling on them. Sure, I have relationships, jobs, or situations that I regret not leaving sooner, but those failures have helped make me who I am today.

So don’t be afraid to experience more. Step outside your comfort zone and live life on your terms, free from regret. Listen more to those who only have your best interests at heart. Stand up for yourself, embrace failure, and stop waiting for someone else to live your life for you.

Take it from my fellow rehab patients who have been there before. Those who have regrets but also have the opportunity to reflect on this regret and resolve to make changes.

Take the blinkers off and stop procrastinating. Take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness. We all have challenges, but we all have choices.

May 17, 2016
The Path Isn’t a Straight Line

May 17, 2016
Forgive Yourself First

May 17, 2016
Take It One Slow Step at a Time

May 17, 2016
Why Letting Go of What We Want Enables Us to Get What We Need

“The most exquisite paradox: as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. As long as you want power, you can’t have it. The minute you don’t want power, you’ll have more than you ever dreamed possible.” ~Ram Dass

The first time I felt this paradox was in the middle of savasana after a challenging yoga class. I always say that yoga is a metaphor for life, and this is exactly why.

Savasana is the final resting pose in which you lay flat on your back, close your eyes, and do nothing. A super yummy savasana is just so due after your work throughout the class.

The more you are challenged throughout the yoga flow, the more likely you are to be pushed to a place of brokenness. You gave your all, and now you are spent. Dizzy and exhausted, you settle into savasana and release your entire body into the earth.

Lying on the cold, hard ground never felt so good. You lie in silence, let your thoughts and breath go, and completely release. You feel deliciously blissful. And you might actually be feeling emotions for the first time all day, or maybe even all week.

A slight smile spreads across your face as the sweat beads drip from your forehead. Or tears quietly stream from your eyes as you feel absolute joy and gratefulness. By the end of that savasana, you feel incredible. You feel like yourself again. You know you are whole.

And it’s a good thing they have you do savasana at end of class, because you need the build up of tension during your yoga flow in order to allow yourself to really let go and just be.

Could you imagine doing savasana at the beginning of class? Mind buzzing from a long, stressful day, thoughts racing. It’s possible, but much harder to do.

This was how I came to understand the paradox of letting go in order to become whole. And trust me, it took many years of therapy, meditation, reading, seeking, and savasana to get there.

We often cling to our desires and fight for them because we think we’ll be happy if we get what we want. But when we let go and accept what is, what shows up for us are often the things we need.

These things tend to be the ones that really count, creating true happiness and meaning in our lives.

But let’s face it, letting go on some issues is easier said than done. When it comes to deeper issues and matters of the heart, letting go can feel downright impossible. And on some issues, letting go may never happen. Some burdens may be too important not to bear. That is okay.

However, even on the more difficult issues you may be facing, there still may be places in which you can soften your grip.

I have had a strained relationship with my father since birth. From about four years old, I knew that he did not love me.

All throughout my childhood, my father was both physically and emotionally abusive. My mother was loving, but also put in a position of trying to appease her husband, while at the same time protecting my siblings and me. This inevitably led to a lot of confusion and chaos in the household.

Things finally came to a head when I was about ten. I was severely depressed, expressing passive thoughts of suicide, and displaying classic behaviors and symptoms of trauma.

After a couple years of therapy and attempting to repair things in the home, my mother decided to divorce my father.

Due to the history with my father, the court granted my siblings and me the opportunity to decide for ourselves whether or not we would like to visit him. Perfect timing too; my twelfth birthday was right around the corner as the divorce was being finalized.

So, it was at the age of twelve when I decided to no longer participate in weekly visitation with my father. I would still see him occasionally for family events and holidays, but I kept my distance and he kept his.

In my mid-twenties, I had little to no contact with my father, only seeing him about once a year for the holidays. However, I confronted him via email, defending my younger sister on an issue she was dealing with.

She was only sixteen at the time, and was devastated when my father packed up all her belongings from his home and dropped them off on my mother’s doorstep without any warning. Apparently, she was no longer welcome in his home, and their relationship, too, was ending.

In my father’s correspondence to me, he verbally confirmed what I had know all along, and stated outright that he did not love me and did not need me in his life.

I was devastated and inconsolable. Although I had known and felt this since I was a small child, I had not actually heard these words before. Something about those words broke me wide open.

I spun out of control and began a turbulent phase in my life in which I became severely depressed and anxious.

I immediately began doing work in therapy, finally addressing the years of trauma that I had experienced, coming to terms with my broken relationship with my father. It was here that I began the long process of healing.

Ten years later, I am significantly stronger. However, trauma is stored in our bodies, in our tissues, and in our brain chemistry, reminding me at times that it’s still there, but a mere shadow of what it used to be. Like an onion, the layers of trauma must be pulled back one at time.

Looking back on my recovery process, the most challenging part for me had to do with my clinging to questions of what happened.

I couldn’t understand why this had happened to me. I couldn’t let go of the fact that I was unloved by my father. I needed to have answers. I had been wrestling with these questions my entire life, and was bruised and broken time and time again, with no end in sight. This deep need and clinging only lead to more pain and hurt.

Through therapy and yoga, I have come to let go of this ideal. I now know that I may never have the answers to my questions. I likely will never fully understand why this happened, why I had to experience this, or why my father behaved in this way.

Now, instead of wrestling, I stand beside my questions, I cradle them in my arms, I offer them support, and I show them kindness. The questions, the injustice, the memories of hurt can be there, and I lovingly accept them into my life.

More than this, I know that I am loved, that I am deserving, that I am kind, that I am a survivor, and I am whole. I always have been.

In order to find acceptance and wholeness in my life, I had to release my death grip on my ideal relationship with my father.

Whatever ideal outcome you’re clinging to, could you be open to the possibility of releasing it so that you can breathe, yield, and expand into something that is bigger? Could you give yourself time and create space so that you can become concise and clear about your being?

If you can do these things, you will get what you need.

Not unlike that challenging yoga flow I spoke of earlier, the real work comes when your body, mind, and spirit has been fully broken, your heart has been ripped wide open, and there is nothing left to do.

And, no this is not easy. It will be hard.

Letting go will make you question your identity, leaving you wondering if you give this one thing up, who will you be? What will you stand for? Will all your stress, worry, pain, hurt, sadness, be in vain? If you let go, who will believe your story? What will others think of you? What else will you have to let go of? What will you do next?”

And here is where the paradox begins!

“What will I do next?” is a tough question that can be scary to even consider. But it is here that change happens, and you do have a choice. Wholeness is knocking at your door, and you know what they say, “When one door closes, another door opens.”

All that is required is to let go of the past and step boldly and bravely into your true self, your beautiful, loving, compassionate, deserving self. It is from this place of being that you may know wholeness.

May 16, 2016
7 Steps to Create More Love and Happiness in the Present Moment

“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” ~Abraham Maslow

It was 4:00am, but I was wide awake. I wanted to be a great achiever, a great partner, and a great parent. Instead, I had turned into an irritable insomniac who no longer knew how to relax.

I was trying to do everything perfectly and be everything to everyone. Demands kept piling up. This made it tough to focus on the present moment.

A wandering mind is less happy than a mind focused on what it is doing, according to scientific research. For most people, a wandering mind dominates about half of the time spent awake. That encourages over-thinking, anxiety, and other emotional distress, while limiting the quality of work and play.

At the time, I didn’t realize how focusing on many different things at once limited my ability to be fully present in my relationships. I also didn’t realize just how crucial relationships are to happiness.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development tracked people for seventy-five years. People who thrived weren’t those who gained wealth and fame, but those who nurtured great relationships with family, friends, and community.

What’s the key to nurturing great relationships? Presence. Love flourishes in an atmosphere of kindness, patience, forgiveness, trust, and hope. This is helped by presence and responsiveness in the moment. Anxiety and impatience don’t provide a fertile soil for love.

I’ve gradually developed a way of being more present in each waking moment of a busy life. It’s made me much calmer, kinder, happier, more relaxed, confident, and more attentive to family, friends, and even strangers.

Think of your mind as a computer screen with many tabs open. How can you close all the tabs except one, and focus on that? Here’s what works for me.

1. Clarify what you value.

Identify your top core values, those things that make life worth living for you. For example, I most value love, health, peace of mind, contribution, and self-actualization. Your list might be a bit different.

It’s okay to fantasize about being atop some metaphorical mountain. However, it helps to make values, rather than goals, your “mountaintops.” Then you can keep living by your values even if you don’t succeed at one of your goals. For example, you might not yet be able to take that dream round-the-world trip with your partner, but you can still give them your undivided attention for a little time each day.

This approach boosts motivation and peace of mind. It also plucks fulfillment out of the distant future and brings it into the present moment, enabling you to focus on the now. When your days and minutes express what you value, you become more confident that there’s nothing else you should be doing at any given moment.

2. Identify your options.

What are the goals and projects you could pursue? How does each measure up against your top few core values? How much of your time does each require?

For example, a passion of mine is to help people live with more calm, energy, and brainpower. I started a group, then more people wanted to join. I could have increased the number of groups, but that would have required too much time, eating into my personal relationships.

I explored other options and decided to start a learning center online. This allows me to contribute more, without sacrificing what I value.

3. Focus.

Focus on the top few goals/projects that emerge. Form a clear idea of the next step toward achieving each goal. The solutions to life’s challenges can nearly always be reduced to a simple next step, and another, and so on.

If you chase too many goals or projects at one time, you might be pulled in different directions, be constantly pre-occupied, and get nowhere. A better way is to focus more boldly, so that your life becomes as simple as taking the next step, with full presence.

Once you recognize your core values, it becomes easier to say no to attractive options that don’t fit you well enough. For example, I once said no to a surprise offer of an amazing job in another country. The time was not right to uproot our family. I kept what I valued.

4. Allocate time.

Allocate blocks of time to each next step according to the importance of the goal to you. Allocate sufficient time regularly for relaxing with family and friends. Allocate some time regularly for planning, worrying, and problem solving.

Allocating time allows you to steer the ship of your life instead of letting circumstances throw you around.

For example, I used to be a champion worrier. Then I started setting apart blocks of time for worrying and problem solving. Now worry has to wait for its turn, freeing me to be more fully present when I’m with loved ones.

5. Act with full presence.

Throw yourself into each next step at the allocated time. Inhabit each moment of that “next step” fully, as if there was nothing better to do, nothing else to think about, and nowhere better to be.

This practice calms me. It helps me to work and play better.

When the allocated time is finished, move on to another “next step,” perhaps for another goal or project. Give that new “next step” your complete, undivided attention during its allocated time.

Inhabit the moment fully even when you’re not busy pursuing a goal, such as during your planning and problem-solving time, or relaxing with family or friends, or enjoying a hobby.

I love how this approach frees me to have a bit of fun every day instead of just during vacations. That renews me and restores my equilibrium, amid a busy life.

6. Save non-urgent problems for later.

When a non-urgent problem comes up, make a note of it and deal with it later, during your planning, worrying, and problem-solving time. Only when an urgent and important problem comes up need you drop everything else and deal with it.

What if your children or boss continually bombard you with supposedly urgent and important demands? Guard a little time to refresh and recharge yourself. Your children will eventually grow more independent, and you might consider changing your job.

7. Review.

Review how things are going from time to time. If necessary, review the goals and projects to check whether they’re still well-aligned with your values. Sometimes a new opportunity may deserve attention, or your emphasis might need to shift.

Think of your life as a ship that tends to veer off course. That’s quite common. Your reviews can then gently steer you back on course, toward your core values.

—

This seven-step process has replaced a racing, anxious mind with more focus in the present moment. I now enjoy warmer relationships, better work and play, and greater confidence that I can cope with whatever life brings.

You can inhabit the present moment easily when you’re confident that there’s nothing better for you to do, nothing else to think about right now, and nowhere better to be. This seven-step process will allow you such confidence.

You don’t have to get this perfect. You just need to get it roughly right, and then adjust your course during your reviews.

You can then be more present when you’re with family, friends, and others, fully enjoying your time together. Everything that really needs doing will eventually get done, in its allocated time.

You’ll also become far more secure in dealing with challenges and problems, because your self-image will change.

You may have felt like a chronically overloaded person. Now you’ll feel more confident about picking your battles, breaking a big problem into small pieces, and patiently eating even a metaphorical “elephant” one morsel at a time. Life needn’t be more complicated than taking one small step at a time.

You’ll also deal more confidently with disappointments and failures, since you may fail at a particular goal but continue to express your core values through other goals and projects.

Regrets will dim, because you’ll become more confident that the way you spend your time is an expression of your cherished values, regardless of any particular outcome.

You’ll also start to achieve much more, with less struggle. But the main satisfaction will come from living a meaningful life that expresses your cherished values in each waking moment.

This works powerfully for me. You might want to try something like this. If you do, be prepared for more peace of mind, confidence, love, and happiness in each moment.

May 16, 2016
Life Is All About Balance

May 16, 2016
An Open Letter To My Bullies: Thank You For Making Me Strong

“The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield

Dear Bullies,

To be honest, I didn’t think I would ever write you a letter. As far as I was concerned, the amount of suffering I went through during my school years was enough to make me bitter.

I didn’t forgive you, and I most certainly wasn’t about to forget.

I remember those years like it was yesterday—the cruel name calling; the scrutinizing of how I looked, what I said, and what I did; the public humiliation and cornering on the bus rides home.

Wrong face. Wrong size. Wrong skin color. Wrong personality.

No matter how hard I tried to understand it all, it felt like the world was telling me that I didn’t belong, and I never would.

I remember the hours spent locked in my room crying after school, while my mother paced around the house anxiously. Back then I didn’t know how to communicate to her how I was feeling, and she felt at a loss how to help. I felt paralyzed and confused.

In the schoolyard I was the good girl who never spoke badly of anyone, the quiet student who worked hard and who hated getting into trouble.

I remember the laughter, my cheeks burning as I walked from class to class, wishing that the earth would just swallow me up.

Dear bullies, I really remember that laughter.

I remember the times you refused to sit next to me, “that thing” in the class photos, deeming me too ugly to sit next to, unworthy of sharing your personal space.

I felt crushed that day.

Or the times you used pens and sharp objects to write cruel nicknames over all of my school books and stationery while I was home sick.

And yet every time my family moved to a new city to follow my father’s job, I always held hope that somehow this next new school would be different, I would be different.

I would be finally accepted.

But that day never seemed to come, and it wasn’t long before flip top cell phones without color, instant messenger, and social media websites arrived, sending messages that made my insides squirm.

You were my so called “friends.” You were strangers who found an easy target in a girl who was too afraid to use her voice.

I remember it all.

When I finally escaped school in my teenage years, I thought I was free. Instead, a suffocating depression and crippling anxiety knocked heavily on my door, as I withdrew from the world, convinced that “you” would be everywhere.

I hastily took your critical voices and directed it inward. You became my internal radio station, one that I couldn’t quite figure out how to change or even switch off.

But this is not where my story ends.

By being forced to go within, I began to slowly gather puzzle pieces out of a dark and challenging place.

I explored every nook and corner, searching for long lost parts of me, parts that hadn’t been seen in quite some time.

I learned how to face myself without fear, but rather with a growing sense of maturity that helped me to look beyond my pain and start to become aware of yours.

You see, we humans are merely a reflection of one another.

For you to project words so broken and so laced with anger, you had to have been battling your very own storms within.

Genuinely happy people don’t pull others down, and for that, you have taught me the art of compassion.

You have taught me how to connect fully with others from all walks of life; I look around me, and I see beyond the superficial, the carefully put up walls, and I see something else:

I see that behind every face, behind every pair of eyes filled with experiences, there is a story to be told, if we just took more time to stop and listen.

And even though some of your stories are now forever linked with mine, they’re now the gritty, rough drafts that add to the chapters rather than take away from it.

Because, you see, despite the hurt, you truly did contribute to the biggest gift of all:

The gift of learning to genuinely love and accept the child that I was and the woman I am becoming.

And for that, I only have a few words for you:

Thank you for making me strong.

Kind regards,

Rachel

May 15, 2016
Try to Be a Rainbow in Someone’s Cloud

Source: Bright Side

May 15, 2016
I Am Blessed to Have All That I Need

Source: Collective Evolution

May 15, 2016
Staying Angry Robs Us of Happiness

Source: Guidepost of Light

May 15, 2016
You Are Richer Than You Think

May 15, 2016
The Past Is Your Lesson

Source: Positive Outlooks

May 15, 2016
What Peace Means

May 13, 2016
How I Think My Friend Who Died Would Want Me to Live

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

Have you ever been there?

When someone you love suddenly disappears. When life, within a few seconds, turns upside down. When your biggest problems suddenly seem like nothing but drops in the ocean.

I know I have.

It was December 15, 2013. That was the day when everything changed, when her life came to an end, and many other lives were changed forever.

When they first told me she was gone, I couldn’t fully grasp reality. For a second I wondered who this person was they were talking about—this person who apparently had the same name as my friend.

Then, the reality sank in. My heart broke into a thousand pieces.

Being one of the first to find out, I knew I had to be the carrier of the awful news. I had to tell people that someone they loved was gone. She had a lot of friends all over the world, so I made calls to Brazil, the United States, Venezuela, France, and the Netherlands.

Some couldn’t say anything; others cried hysterically. After each call, my heart broke a little more. Hearing the pain and sorrow in others was almost more than I could take. Everything seemed so unreal. One day she was there and the next she was gone.

Over two years have passed since that day. Now she smiles at me from the picture on my desk. Sometimes I imagine her being here with me. If she were, what would she tell me? How would she want me to live my life? I think she would tell me something like this:

1. Be open to new friends.

The first time we met was in a bar in Saint-Denis, Paris. I was new to the city and barely knew anyone there. Even though she already had her life established, she never hesitated to become friends. She initiated our friendship; she made the first phone call and asked to meet again. For that, I’m very grateful to her.

As we grow older, we tend to stop making new friends. But, that also means that we deprive ourselves of new, unexpected, and incredible experiences. So, choose to stay open and curious about new people. They might just change your life.

2. Laugh often.

She was a happy person. She could light up a room with her warm smile and infectious laughter. When I met her parents, I knew exactly where she had gotten that from. Even at her funeral, her father opened up by saying, “I can’t believe I’m standing at my daughter’s funeral with a smile on my face. Seeing that so many people cared for my daughter brings warmth to my heart.”

Joy is contagious, so smile more, and laugh often. You won’t just feel better, but you’ll also touch the heart of others while you’re at it.

3. Stop doubting yourself.

We once had a conversation in which she questioned whether she was lovable as a person. She had no reason to doubt herself, believe me. But, unfortunately, many of us do. We question if we’re good enough, smart enough, or good looking enough.

She was at her best when she was herself fully and completely—including the flaws, quirks, and imperfections. We should trust that the same applies to us all. Trust that there were no mistakes when we were created. Trust that our differences are what make us unique and irreplaceable.

4. Choose to see the positive.

When we were going through uncertain times at work, and nobody knew if they would keep their job, she was the only one who laughed and joked about it. When someone would ask, “So, any news?” she’d always say with a smile, “Still here!” Even though circumstances were difficult, she chose to see the positive. And her positive attitude grew into a positive result, as she was among the group of people who would keep their jobs.

Being positive when things aren’t going our way isn’t easy—it’s easier to complain and be negative. But, what we focus on tends to grow. So, instead of fighting what isn’t working, focus on what is working and on that which we want to grow. Simply put, give power to faith instead of fear.

5. Don’t judge.

She wasn’t someone who judged. Instead, she chose to accept everyone for who they were. She never allowed looks, clothes, or opinions to stand in the way of connecting to someone. Instead, she knew she had something to learn from everyone. So, rather than being critical to differences, she chose to be curious about them.

We never know what someone has gone through or is going through; therefore, we’re not in a position to judge. Judgment creates separation between people, while curiosity builds bridges. Choose to stay curious.

6. Love fully.

She knew the power of love. She knew how it could build someone up or destroy them completely. No matter if it was a love partner or friend, she always chose to love fully. She did so by giving her undivided attention, sincerely wanting the best for everyone, and by being generous with compliments, time, and support.

When I think of her, I think about the love she gave me and the love I have for her. Because, in the end, all that matters is the love we hold and share.

7. Don’t waste time.

Before her death, I used to live as if I would live forever. I talked about dreams, but I never acted on them. I always found excuses as to why it wasn’t the right time, or fretted about how things wouldn’t work out. But then her life ended at twenty-six.

And if she were here today, I think she would tell me the following:

“Don’t wait and prepare yourself for the life you truly desire. Start living it right now. Make the most of life while you still can. Make sure every minute of your time here counts.”

Because it does count.

May 12, 2016
Live Your Life, Take Chances, Be Crazy

May 12, 2016
Love Yourself So Much That…

May 12, 2016
This Is What’s Important

May 12, 2016
Be Kind Whenever Possible

May 12, 2016
You’ll Never Be “Ready,” So Stop Waiting

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready.” ~Hugh Laurie

Throughout our childhood and early adult years, we’re conditioned to think we need to be “ready” to take the next big step in life.

Our teachers won’t let us get too far ahead of where they think we should be in terms of knowledge.

Our parents try to protect us from ideas and truths they think we’re not ready to learn about.

We, ourselves, hold back when faced with major decisions that we don’t believe we’re ready to make.

We’re constantly told we’ll understand certain things, or be able to do certain things, when we’re older—as if the passage of time alone is enough to teach us everything we need to know about life.

This way of thinking has a hugely negative impact on the way we live our lives.

For one thing, some of us feel we are ready to move forward in life, but are constantly being held back by societal norms. Additionally, there are those of us who never take the first step toward our goals because, despite being told by society we are ready to do so, we don’t believe we truly are.

—

The night I graduated from high school, I broke down into tears.

It hit me all at once as I returned home from the school-sponsored “All Night Graduation Party”: I had no idea what I was going to do with myself after walking across that stage.

Throughout my first eighteen years on Earth, life simply happened to me. I didn’t need to make decisions on my own. As long as I did the work that was given to me, I was passed on to the next grade.

Though I did well enough in school, had succeeded at many after-school jobs, and felt pretty good about my life in general, I didn’t feel as if I was ready to take the next step.

It was intimidating to think that everyone around me had a plan for the rest of their lives while I had no clue what I wanted to do. I figured if I was going to move away, spend thousands of dollars, and commit to learning a specific set of skills, I had to be 100% certain that it wouldn’t end up being a mistake.

It never once occurred to me that most of my peers were just as apprehensive about their future. But while I wasted time waiting until I was “ready” to dive into college, they dove in knowing they’d figure it out along the way.

—

I ended up attending a local two-year community college that fall. I figured I would “get the prerequisites out of the way” before narrowing my focus on specific coursework.

If I’m being honest, that’s what I told others—and myself. In actuality, I spent two years doing the bare minimum to pass my classes. I barely gave any thought to my future.

It’s not that I wasn’t interested in the material. It’s that I didn’t see myself ever doing anything with the information I learned.

I continued to believe that I’d know what to do “when the time came.”

I failed to realize that I should have been using the prerequisite classes to help me figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, rather than simply taking courses just to fill up my schedule. Instead, I skated through four semesters of community college without truly learning anything that would help me get anywhere in life.

—

I was one of the last of my friends to move out on my own. For years, I had convinced myself that I wouldn’t be able to make it in the “real world.” The thought of living paycheck-to-paycheck and in debt scared me to death.

Once again, I never once stopped to think that all of my friends also owed thousands of dollars on car payments, college loans, and more, but it didn’t stop them from taking the next steps in their lives.

While my peers were well on their way to building a life for themselves, I spent my early twenties mistakenly believing it’d be better to put my life on hold and have money saved up for when I was “ready” to move out than to just do it and get busy living.

—

We all know that hindsight is 20/20, and time is our greatest teacher. But if we wait for time to teach us how to live our lives, we’ll have missed the opportunity to take advantage of these lessons.

We need to have confidence in our abilities, and faith in the notion that taking immediate action will result in much greater gains than if we were to wait until “the time is right.”

There are a few ways we can make this happen:

Stop Comparing Yourself to Everyone Else

If you constantly compare your accomplishments to others, you’ll always find a way to be disappointed. This disappointment can lead to self-doubt and feelings of unpreparedness.

As I mentioned before, I wasted an enormous amount of my twenties thinking that everyone else around me somehow had it all together while I was barely staying afloat.

I kept wondering when I would finally have the confidence and abilities needed to move forward in life—as if these things would just come to me one day.

I now realize that confidence and ability comes from active practice, and the reason many others around me may have been more successful was because they didn’t waste time hoping for something to come to them; they put in the effort to make it happen.

Identify and Challenge the Excuses That Hold You Back

“I don’t have enough money.”

“I don’t have a well-paying job.”

“I don’t know what I want out of life.”

“I’m not quite ready yet.”

Since there are innumerable ways things could go wrong when stepping out of our comfort zones, it’s possible to create an inexhaustible list of excuses to stay stuck, and seemingly safe.

But we must realize that most, if not all, of the excuses we make are temporary roadblocks, not concrete walls. Even if it takes a little extra effort, there are ways around them.

If you don’t have enough money to go back to school, or are stuck in a dead-end job, you might default to thinking you’ll never make something of yourself. But instead of wallowing in your sorrows during the time you have to yourself, you could sign up for cheap (or even free) online workshops to help you spring into the next chapter of your life.

If you don’t know what you want to do with your life, chances are it’s not because you don’t want to do anything. (It’s more likely that you want to do everything!) Unfortunately, too many of us allow our indecisiveness to manifest in stagnation, and we end up letting opportunities to try new and exciting things slip away from us.

Yes, we should be wary of the possibility that things won’t always go swimmingly in life. But if we let the fear of being unprepared for such contingencies stop us from taking steps forward, we’ll never get anywhere at all.

It’s okay to not feel like you’re ready to make big moves in life. We all feel that way at times.

But sitting around waiting to “be ready” won’t get you anywhere. You need to actively go out and get the experience that will prepare you for the next step.

Maybe you aren’t ready to take a giant leap into the next chapter of your life, but that doesn’t mean you should stop taking baby steps in the right direction altogether.

We tend to measure our worth by our major accomplishments: graduations, first jobs, marriages… the list goes on. But we often fail to realize that none of these things happen overnight. It’s through the little steps we take leading up to these major events that prepare us to take the giant leaps that define who we are.

As long as you continue to press forward, you’ll eventually get where you want to be.

Time will not prepare you for what’s next in life. Only your experiences, and the lessons you learn from them, can.

May 11, 2016