Tag: wisdom
-
How to Make Life More Exciting and the Benefits of Switching Things Up
“If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” ~Stephen Hunt
Isn’t it funny how metaphors for life exist in all of our everyday experiences?
I found myself on a mountain the other day (no, that’s not the metaphor), where the route through the particularly rocky bits was marked with cairns. (For those non-mountain runners, a cairn is a man-made pile of little rocks indicating the pathway.)
Even though I was following a fellow runner, I liked to lag behind to enjoy the solitude and absorb the surrounding energy of nature. That’s the hippie in me.
There were a few times when I found myself gazing around, feeling lost, hands on hips, looking for those all-important cairns.
I yelled, “Where’s the path?” to my patient partner far up ahead, who replied, “You’re always looking for the path! Just come straight up!”
And there it is… my metaphor!
My personal epiphany was that in my life, I’ve always looked for that proverbial path. The straight and narrow. The safe way. The known route traversed by many. Need I go on?
Looking for the known path narrowed my focus to the immediate surroundings. It kept my world and experience small.
Had I forged straight up the mountainside, I would have had to navigate through unknown territory on high alert, and with extreme attention and interest. I would have seen different views and experienced a sense of accomplishment and exhilaration.
Yet, I followed the path.
How often do we do the same in life?
Ten years ago I ricocheted in and out of a volatile, toxic relationship.
Each time I left I would vow to have a clean break and move on. Yet many times (way too many times) I found myself back in this destructive relationship simply because it seemed easier than finding the courage to venture into something new.
I felt comfortable and safe, as I knew what I was getting. It didn’t matter that I was unhappy; it was the known path.
We can get from A to B on the known, safe, predictable route, or we can explore a new route and open ourselves to new experiences, adventure, and opportunities.
So where do we start?
Acknowledge the Mundane
Become aware of your daily routines and how they make you feel.
Start noticing those things you do on automatic pilot, things as simple as your grooming routines. Do you brush your teeth the same way every day? How about what you have for breakfast and lunch? Do you make the same thing because it’s easier and quicker?
And what do you feel when you’re doing these things? I’m guessing very little.
Identify the New Possibilities
Look at ways to do things differently, yet achieve the same (or better) results.
Ever tried brushing your teeth with the other hand? Trust me, it’s more of a challenge than you think. (And it’ll make you laugh!)
How about a completely new flavor of coffee? Or tea?
Or step it up: try yoga in the park instead of the monotony of the gym.
A spontaneous road trip somewhere new instead of yet another weekend of Netflix.
The options are endless. Let your imagination lead..
Plot a New Course for Excitement
Decide how you’re going to forge new “paths” into your current everyday existence.
Start with small steps and jot down a few things you can do differently every day.
Take a different route to work or try a completely new recipe for dinner.
Try soya milk. Or almond milk. You get the picture.
Again, observe your feelings as you try new things. Any intrigue? Fascination? At least a bit of interest?
The Benefits of Switching Things Up
And now the good bit: You get to reap amazing benefits when you make changes.
It encourages mindfulness.
You’re more present, which means your life experience becomes richer and more relevant.
If I run the same route every day, I fall into autopilot and lose myself in my head. I don’t notice my surroundings at all.
In today’s chaotic existence it’s not unusual to spend most of our conscious day either looping helplessly in thoughts of the past or fretting aimlessly in thoughts about the future. Both are essentially useless and serve only to create (mostly) bad feelings.
Being present is calm, interesting, and open.
It fosters a sense of accomplishment.
Can you imagine that sense of exhilaration inspired by something new and exciting?
Go on—think of the last time you felt exhilarated by achieving a new goal. Can you?
I remember when I completed my first ultra trailrun. I was completely undertrained, yet managed to drag myself through 80kms of mountains only to finish at the back of the field.
Yet I was completely exhilarated! I’ve never felt more alive and able to conquer the world.
Absolutely anything has become possible to me as a result of that achievement. I was Super Woman! (My version, at least.)
I know, it’s a big example, but the message here is to seek out that sense of accomplishment. Daily.
Smaller goals, more regularly.
It inspires a sense of adventure.
When you try something new, there are no habits and fewer rules in how you approach it. The task becomes an avenue of adventure. It’s like a blank slate. Perfect!
When we repeat things over and over again, it’s human nature to start comparing ourselves.
If I run the same route every day, I always start comparing my daily performance.
Was I as quick as yesterday? Do I feel as strong?
Unfortunately, this generally comes with a hefty helping of self-judgment. Not cool.
If I’m slower, I feel despondent. Down. Flat.
Who needs that? Really?
Varying my routes (and leaving my watch at home) leave me interested and open. Far better.
Leaping into the unknown can be scary, but it can also be exciting!
Which leads right to the next point…
We get to overcome our fears.
Most of us follow the same paths because they’re safe. By diverting ourselves into the unknown, we’re facing our fears and challenging ourselves to be more courageous.
I once entered a trail running event that scoured three peaks of a glorious mountain—at night!
That in itself is a challenge, but add awful weather (gale force wind and horizontal rain) to the mix, and it becomes almost ridiculous!
Yet I sucked it up and forged forward. Six exhilarating hours of being battered by the elements (did I mention it was dark?), with all my senses on extreme high alert, was nothing less than exhausting. But I cannot begin to describe the multitude of feelings I felt when I finished.
Stimulated, rejuvenated, accomplished, simply brilliant!
And if I can do that, what is there that I can’t do?
Who’s afraid of the dark now?
Our world expands.
We know there’s no growth without expansion. When we look for new options we have no choice but to grow.
To say that my little adventures into the mountains have had a domino effect on the rest of my life would be an understatement.
Over the last five years I’ve made more changes and taken more risks than I would ever have imagined! Some worked out fantastically and some were more challenging, yet each time I’ve stepped onto a new path my world has expanded. Literally and figuratively!
I’ve changed careers, relationships, and cities. In that order.
It was scary, risky, and some would say stupid. Yet I feel great! And that’s just the beginning.
—
Ultimately, the question remains: Why waste time doing something uninspiring? Life is simply too precious not to feel good feelings as often as we can.
Are we actually aware of how much of our day falls into the category of the mundane?
It’s easy to change.
And it can be fun!
Just “get off the path.”
-
10 Ways to Cultivate a Positive Mindset and Change Your Life
“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” ~Buddha
I remember how I used to think; it was always, “People suck” and “I hate (fill in the blank).” I was constantly focusing on the bad side of humanity, so that was all I could see. It cast a shadow, which took the joy out of life.
It should have been obvious that I was creating my own misery, but I wasn’t able to see how my own thoughts affected my mood.
I had to change my entire outlook by training my mind to see things in a new light. It would have been easy to stay on the same path. After all, I had chronic fatigue, no money, and nothing to look forward to because I didn’t have a compelling vision of the future. I felt the present situation was permanent.
Eventually, I’d had enough and started thinking about what I could do to change my situation.
Change was slow, but a new path that wasn’t clear to me before started to appear as I worked on my mindset. As things progressed, my goals and dreams became bigger and more ambitious. I started imagining being fit, healthy, running my own business, and traveling the world.
These are some of the things I did to change my mindset and my life.
1. Seek positive friends.
A negative social circle will act as an echo chamber for bad ideas. A positive social circle will also act as an echo chamber, but one that supports your dreams, so choose your friends carefully.
Find people who reflect the values you want to adopt. Join groups online and go to networking or social events focused on personal growth. As your own mind starts to change, it’ll become easier to connect with more positive people.
I’m not suggesting that you ditch friends who are going through a hard time and need your support, but rather that you evaluate whether some of your relationships are persistently draining and unhealthy.
I left my old social circle because it was an echo chamber for negativity. Instead of focusing on a great future, everyone was talking about the things they didn’t like about life.
It was hard to make new friends at first. The problem was that I couldn’t offer any value to people with much more positive mindsets—the kind of people who I wanted to emulate.
That changed, but it took time. Once you find your “tribe,” progress will come much more quickly because of your new influences.
2. Challenge your thoughts.
When old thinking comes up, as it will, it’s not enough to try and ignore it. We need to challenge our beliefs.
Is everything too expensive, or is it just that I can’t afford it? Do “people suck,” or am I just looking for things to criticize?
Weigh your thoughts against the evidence. If they crumble under scrutiny, then explore why you believe them in the first place. By challenging your thoughts, your mindset will begin to evolve.
3. Consume positive media.
Consuming positive media daily will alter your perspective through osmosis. “Positive media” is anything that emphasizes the good in life, or how to improve our living standards and the living standards of others.
We all know that the best way to learn a new language is through immersion. If you hear this new language every day, it starts to stick and become easier to remember. Soon, you’ll not only understand that language but you’ll speak it too.
New mindsets are exactly the same; if you immerse yourself in personal growth content every day, it will change the language of your mind. That language is your self-dialogue, the way you speak to yourself at every moment, and it’s habitual.
Learn a positive self-dialogue and you’ll see the world in a different way.
4. Volunteer.
Volunteering to help other people can make a huge impact on how you feel about yourself and your view of the world.
By focusing on how you can help someone else, you’ll draw your attention away from your own woes. It becomes easy to develop a positive mindset when you’re looking for new ways to make someone else’s situation better.
You can’t focus on the bad while focusing on the good.
5. Abstain from all “bad news.”
Wars, murders, and politics all add baggage to our thoughts.
It makes sense that most of the mainstream media focuses on bad news, though, because tragedy sells. It doesn’t make sense for us to sit around stewing over this bad news. It’s certainly not going to allow for an optimal mindset, one that’s focused on the best that life has to offer.
By tuning into the news about a plane crash thousands of miles away, we’re putting our mental energy into something that won’t help. We can’t change the bad things happening at any given moment, but if we put our attention into things we can change, our lives will improve.
6. Write out your action plan.
This is about looking at the possibilities and then doing something to make it happen. Forward thinking will move your focus away from where you don’t want to be to where could be.
But it’s not enough to simply write it out, because we only grow when we take action. It’s just a thought until we do something to make it happen.
Don’t know what the right steps are? Don’t worry, just identify the first thing you could do to start on the path, then do it. Even if it’s a mistake, you’ll still make progress, and that will keep you focused on creating positive change. Never allow paralysis by analysis. You have the vision; go with it.
7. Adopt a healthy lifestyle.
A healthy body will support a healthy mind. During the most difficult time of my personal struggles, bad health was a major obstacle. Chronic fatigue could wipe me out for whole days.
Nonetheless, getting into action, changing my diet, and working out set the foundation for all other changes to take place. Slowly, my energy levels started to rise till the point that my health no longer was an issue.
Look at how you sleep, what you eat, and your activity levels to identify anything that could be sapping your energy. Sometimes laziness is just fatigue.
8. Send thank you notes.
The simple gesture of sending a thank you note can be empowering. Not only does it feel good, a thank you note creates goodwill in other people.
Thank you notes will also strengthen your relationships and connections, because people like to feel appreciated.
It doesn’t really matter what they did; any small gesture you appreciated, from good service to a favor, is a candidate. Send a quick email or a card in the mail to let them know you appreciated it.
9. Create a morning mindset routine.
A great way to start the day is by making a mental list of each thing we’re looking forward to; it creates a feeling of anticipation and excitement that creates momentum for the entire day.
Every morning I play personal growth videos or audio books. By focusing on the positive messages coming from this content at the beginning of the day, it’s much easier to be happy and focused. My work gets done more quickly, and it doesn’t seem so hard either.
10. Write a wins checklist.
So you started on good note; now finish on a great note by making a mental list of the day’s wins. It doesn’t have to be monumental; the point of the exercise is just to keep your focus on the best your day’s experience.
Keeping track of losses can help you improve, but dwelling on them will kill your motivation and momentum. Finish strong and it will be much easier to wake up feeling happy.
—
Improving your life starts with improving your mindset. Like me, you may find that these steps are a great start.
-
Abuse Isn’t Always Physical, and We Never Deserve It
“A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass. If you stay, you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt but you will heal.” ~Autumn Kohler
It happens little by little, bit by bit. So very slowly that before you know it, you can’t recognize the person you lie next to at night and you hate the person you see staring back at you in the mirror.
Who is that person?
Where is the strong, capable, unflappable, and carefree person that you once were? When did you become someone so pathetic, so small and malleable?
I have never been the kind of girl who accepts bad behavior, let alone anything verging on abuse.
I believe in good manners, in kindness, in treating others as you wish to be treated. I also believe absolutely in apologizing when I get it wrong.
I don’t let my two little people get away with being rude, cheeky, or back-chatting a grown-up. So why did I let him treat me so appallingly? Why didn’t I stand up to him? Why didn’t I get out?
I have always left, you see. With all the significant relationships I’ve been in, I have always ended it.
I have always made that call. I’ve always run away when I couldn’t do it anymore, or cut my losses before I could get hurt.
I ended my engagement to my ex mere months before the “big day.” I called time on my first marriage, seven years after saying “I do,” when three straight years of trying hard to fix it had failed.
So why didn’t I leave him?
People think domestic violence has to involve fists, bruises, and physical pain. Well, I can now put my hand up and admit that I was abused—but he never laid a finger on me. It doesn’t make it any less painful or significant or wrong.
I am beginning to get comfortable owning what happened to me, but its effects have lasting consequences that I am aware of almost daily.
The more time I spend analyzing what he did, and his potential motivations, the less I feel I understand what our relationship was about, and the more blatant the abuse appears.
He controlled, manipulated, and systematically ignored me.
I wasn’t allowed answer the door to other men if my husband wasn’t in the house, nor was I allowed to speak to other men at the pool where we trained.
He loved my little skirts and dresses while he was wooing me, but as soon as he had me it was always, “I hope you’ve got appropriate knickers on wearing that” or, “you will keep your legs closed if you go out wearing that.”
When he thought I had overstepped some invisible, unfathomable, and constantly shifting line, he could look me straight in the eye and yet completely ignore me for three straight days, without skipping a beat.
Not a word would leave his mouth. For days on end. And for a girl who can talk the hind legs off a donkey, that is pretty much the worst kind of torture imaginable. I was invisible. I was nothing.
But it happens gradually, remember.
In the beginning, he built me up and showered me with words of love and affection. He placed me on a pedestal and worshipped me. I had never felt so precious to anyone before.
He made himself the very center of my universe, and made himself so large that he obliterated everyone and everything else. Little by little, increment by increment, my universe became so very small, and by degrees I became myopic, a mere shadow of the woman I once was.
In some ways, the hardest thing for me now is coming to terms with the fact that I didn’t have the nerve to get out.
I had irrationally made the decision to stay because I truly felt that it was the only choice I had.
I think I justify it by saying that it was the only thing I could do—for the sake of my children. They had already been through so much; I couldn’t damage them further.
And anyway, his behavior was only directed at me. Once he had me controlled, managed, and living in fear, it was was only ever about me; I perceived that my children were safe from any form of direct threat.
The decision to get out, to get free and safe, wasn’t a decision I ever had to make, or got the chance to make. By some weird twist in the way the universe works, I received the ultimate “get out of jail free” card. The abusive monster of a man to whom I had given three years of my life died.
He died suddenly and shockingly, and in doing so simultaneously set me free and inflicted his biggest, most significant controlling act.
Now, almost exactly one year later, I still feel immense and overwhelming relief that I am out of that place; that like a caterpillar trapped, bound and confined, I have been able to break free and spread my beautiful wings.
But I still feel some misplaced sense of shame that I didn’t get to make that call. That I didn’t put my big girl brave pants on and make that decision first, and for me.
Being in that relationship is, without question, the biggest and worst regret of my life, one that I will carry to my grave.
I wanted to write this for all the people who feel trapped, who feel like a watered down impression of the person they once were. For the people who don’t feel able to speak out and ask for help.
I know how that feels.
I know the shame and embarrassment that keeps your lips sealed, even around those who you trust and love the most.
Just because there are no physical marks doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.
When you question yourself and you try to tell yourself that it’s really not that bad, that he or she loves you, really, but has just got a few issues to deal with, or worse still, that it’s your fault he or she treats you this way, trust your gut.
If they continually put you down, shut you out in an attempt to manipulate and control you, ignore your needs, threaten you in any way, call you “crazy” or “overly sensitive” when you dare to raise your worries, and/or blames you for their reactions, that is not love. It is abuse.
It’s easier somehow to make excuses, accept the blame (you will even start to believe it), but know that you could end up spending the rest of your days in an a broken and painful place—a relationship where you feel small, worthless, and lonely beyond words.
Somewhere in your gut, you likely know this is true.
Whether your inner voice is yelling at you, or just whispering to get out, you know. You know it’s not right and that you deserve so much more. You deserve to have the chance for your wings to be set free.
And I pray that you do.
-
Breaking Free from Manipulative, Narcissistic Parents
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown
I happened to catch the last scene of the movie Moonstruck on TV a few nights ago. The scene marks the happy resolution of various plot threads, and yet I felt as if I was witnessing the sinking of the Titanic.
It was like watching a demonstration of what I have come to understand as the two ways of being in this world: dominating vs. accepting, narcissism or bullying vs. kindness.
Having come from a narcissistic family myself, it felt as if the movie was peering straight into my soul.
In the movie, Loretta Castorini is engaged to Johnny Cammareri, an aging mama’s boy who never married, out of ‘consideration’ for his ailing mother in Sicily.
In this scene, he bursts in, announcing that he can’t marry Loretta because it would kill his mother, and asks for his engagement ring back. In the next moment, Johnny’s brother, Ronny, promptly proposes to Loretta, borrowing Johnny’s ring to seal the deal.
The movie centers on Ronny and Loretta, yet seeing the last scene isolated from the rest of the movie drew me to Johnny’s experience.
There he was, controlled by his mother long-distance from Sicily, giving up his marriage in deference to his mother’s script about who he needed to be in order to support her needs.
The confusion on Johnny’s face as his brother claims the prize of Loretta’s hand in marriage is heartbreaking. Johnny isn’t quite sure what is happening, and yet he dare not question his mother’s love, nor break free of his supporting role in his mother’s drama.
His life has been spent, and, unless he wakes up, will continue to be spent, in service to her, at a great cost to him.
I see myself in Johnny. I was well into middle age before I was able to break free of my father’s domination of my life, and I suspect that, like me, many people delay the beginning of their own lives out of misplaced fealty to the stories their parents scripted for them.
For years, whether rebelling against my dad’s criticisms or craving approval from outside myself, I had, on a deep level, ceded the central role in my life to my dad.
Whether we were close or miles apart, communicating or no contact, he was the sun, and I was orbiting his solar system. This is exactly how he wanted it, and I fell into place within the structures and systems of his universe.
There is so much truth in humor. Johnny’s mother’s threats are played for laughs, and yet they are more than mere melodramatic manipulation.
An acquaintance of mine energetically supported her narcissistic mother for decades. When she became aware of the family dynamic, she chose to withdraw her energetic support of her mother, and for the first time in her life, focus on herself as an individual.
The potentially intimidating part is that her mother actually became ill.
This is not to imply that my acquaintance should have continued to support her mother, it is simply to say that the energetic connection is real, and removing it, as necessary as it may be, is like removing a crutch someone has grown dependent upon.
It sparks an enormous upheaval and rebalancing for both parties, and yet it must be done in order to achieve greater health and freedom on both sides.
The saddest part for children of narcissistic parents, and also for partners of narcissists, is losing confidence in our own authentic feelings, hopes, and dreams. The narcissist’s insistence upon pretense, and the demand to suppress authentic experience can be very painful.
The younger brother, Ronny, was lucky to have been the black sheep of the family; at least he was distanced from his mother’s demands. Nonetheless, he, too, was damaged.
When we first encounter him in the basement of his bakery, he looks like a hurt animal hiding in his lair. He has a wooden prosthetic hand, as Loretta says, “like a wolf that has chewed off his own paw to escape a trap.”
To narcissistic parents, a child is not a full-fledged individual, but rather a character in their story, and the roles they offer their offspring are severely limited.
Whether a “golden child” who can do no wrong, or the “failure” who can do no right, in either role the child will feel that he must perform in order to try to keep or win the parent’s love.
This is not love at all, but rather a form of abuse, which is worse for being invisible to all but those directly involved. The child is asked to give up her own feelings, thoughts, and needs in order to support the parents’ version of reality.
The child, meanwhile, resists facing the direness of the situation—the truth of a manipulative or even an unloving parent—for she intuits that she needs her parents’ love in order to survive.
At the same time, she may feel excruciatingly uncomfortable living inside the parents’ stories. Like Johnny, she may end up not knowing who she really is and what she really wants, having given up her own thoughts, emotions, and needs for so long.
In the movie, neither brother escapes unscathed: Johnny, the golden child, was hobbled, tied to his mother’s apron strings, and Ronny, the black sheep, was also wounded and cut off from the rest of humanity.
Like so many rebels among us, Ronny finds solace in the arts, in his case, opera. As a child, my passion for dance sustained me. It was an outlet for self-expression, and an opening for the magic I needed in order to survive.
Funny to speak of all this in the context of a romantic comedy, yet perhaps the power of the story stems from its basis in profound truth.
At the end of the final scene, Johnny sits alone as the family excitedly gathers to toast the new couple. He looks stunned, isolated, and lost amid the celebration. Then the grandfather approaches Johnny and extends a glass of champagne, offering the last line in the movie: “You’re part of the family.”
And with that, Johnny is embraced in the warmth of the family, and I burst into tears. How different is this warm embrace compared to the demands of the narcissistic parent.
Johnny is played as a buffoonish character, and the audience is fully rooting for Ronny and Loretta. Yet even clownish Johnny is embraced.
This is love. This is real acceptance.
This is the tenderness of the movie. This is its big heart, which is depicted, not just in the romantic passion of Ronny and Loretta, but more importantly, in the inclusion of Johnny in the celebration. As the credits begin to roll a toast is raised: “La famiglia!” To family!
This is the archetypical image of the loving family. And yet many of us did not experience that. And many of us hide a secret shame that our families aren’t like that. I know that I was deeply ashamed for a long time that my story wasn’t pretty like that, until one day I realized that it was not my fault.
On the day that I accepted my family as it was, and realized that I wasn’t responsible, and rejected the stories they told. On that day I reclaimed my right to my truth about what happened, what I felt, what I thought, and what I experienced.
Reclaiming our stories—our truth—is how we take our power back.
If any of this speaks to you, go watch Moonstruck. Johnny hasn’t woken up yet from the spell his mother cast over him. Ronny, with the help of Loretta’s love, breaks out of his hurt isolation and reclaims his life.
Wake up and face your truth. Sometimes facing the ugliness is the route we must take in order to reclaim our own beauty and power.
-
3 Ways to Build Stronger, Deeper Friendships
“No friendship is an accident.” –O. Henry, Heart of the West
Recently I was telling a friend how grateful I was that she had initiated a get-together.
“No one ever reaches out to me,” I complained. “I feel like I am the one driving all of my relationships.”
“Well,” she responded, “don’t think too highly of me. I almost never reach out…to anyone.”
I mulled this over on my way home that evening. I have often felt like the driving force behind many of my relationships. But I have also felt on many occasions that I’m just as bad at keeping in touch as my friends.
The truth is, many of us are terrible at relationships. We leave our social connections up to chance, only spending time with the people we happen to see during the course of our week.
Sometimes we invite people to spend time with us, but then once they get there we divert half of our attention talking to friends on our phone. Some of us are good at having actual conversations, but not very deep ones—we stick to topics like the weather, the results of the recent sports game in the city, or what’s trending on social media.
We have come to prize friendships of “convenience” above friendships of substance.
It’s become more important to us that we make our next meeting or social engagement, respond to the most recent tweet, or check out what’s trending on Facebook than to take the real, raw time it requires to build solid, edifying relationships.
However you look at it, there is a lot of room for growth when it comes to building friendships and community in our day and age. What are some ways you can foster caring and supportive relationships today in a digital, easily distracted world?
1. Initiate and reciprocate.
As much as we all want to be invited by others, you have to remember that they are craving to feel included just as much as you are. You could wait for someone else to ask you to do something, but you may be waiting forever.
Swallow your pride and just take the first step. Invite them over for dinner, grab coffee in the morning, check out your local museum, go to a concert together or a walk in the park—the possibilities are endless.
Not all relationships that you initiate will pan out, but being willing to take that first step can go a long way toward creating the foundation of a lasting friendship.
Of course, this won’t be the only step. Equally as important as initiating is reciprocating when someone else reaches out to you. Initiating with someone once is not going to get you very far if you don’t follow up with more invitations, or they don’t reciprocate in kind.
I have countless friendships that have burned out because I became frustrated with always being the one to suggest outings. Don’t be that friend. If someone has made the effort to reach out to you, give them the courtesy of doing the same for them.
2. Be present.
If we want to develop deep relationships, we’ve got to put down our phones. Or tablets, or computers, or whatever else is distracting us from really connecting with the people sitting right in front of us.
Consciously focus on listening to what people are saying. Respond accordingly. Ask questions that show you really care about them. If they tell you about something they’re struggling with or excited about, bring it up the next time you talk to them.
People will be much more willing to invest in you if they feel you truly care about them and what’s going on in their lives, and you can only make them feel you care about them if you really do care. Put the distractions away and commit to being present with your friend for the time you are together.
I think about this principle often when I contrast my relationships with my brother and my husband.
My brother is addicted to his phone. He is always on it—updating his social media accounts, responding to texts, or doing research for work.
When I have asked him to put it down and focus on me, he usually gets annoyed with me. This has caused enormous tension and friction between us, because I feel unimportant and he feels like I’m trying to control him.(Granted, as siblings there is plenty of other baggage between us to cause friction, but the phone is definitely a big part of it.)
My husband, on the other hand, makes a very conscious, intentional effort to not even have his phone within arm’s reach when he is talking with other people.
I consistently hear people remark on how loved and important he makes them feel, and personally I have never felt like I was playing second fiddle when I’m around him. It makes me feel so much more comfortable around and close to him.
I cannot overestimate how important it is to a good relationship to make people feel valued when you’re with them.
3. Open up and be real.
Sometimes people need to be coaxed out of their shells by hearing someone else share before they’re willing to do the same. Don’t assume that if you start telling them about yourself they will judge you or remain taciturn.
Give them the benefit of the doubt and just be willing to open up. Tell them about your life. Ask about theirs.
After I first got married, I sunk into depression—I know, not exactly the “happily ever after” that I was hoping for. I felt so lost, so alone. Everyone around me was living their happy little perfect lives, and here I was floundering hopelessly all by myself.
When I finally mustered up the courage to talk to my friends about my challenges, however, I realized that no one actually has a perfect life. Many of them were struggling with some of the very same things that I was, and by being real and honest with them I found succor, solidarity, and hope during a very dark period of my life.
Be vulnerable enough to tell people what you hope for and need. Your friends want to help you, but they’re not mind readers. Giving them a little insight into your life can go a very long way.
This list seems so simple! And yet, it is so rarely actually executed. I know so many people, myself included, who have pined for deeper friendships for years and yet never actually taken the time to invest in them. True friendships take work. With a little effort, together we can build better and more supportive communities.
What can you do today to start deepening a relationship that you care about?
-
3 Times When I Wasn’t a Good Friend & How to Avoid My Mistakes
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou
In this current age of social media, it is easy to have large and wide social circles. I believe that the larger and wider these circles get, the shallower the friendships become.
I’ve always been a person who is very selective when forging friendships. I think that has mostly stemmed from the fact that I value depth over breadth, and quality over quantity.
For this reason, I have had a handful of friendships that have lasted through the test of time. But unfortunately, I have also had a few friendships that I have lost through my own thoughtlessness and complacency.
Over my adult life, I can identify three times when I failed a very good friend. These times have stayed with me over the years, primarily because of the lessons that I learned from them. Sometimes the lesson was learned immediately; other times the lesson took years to have its full effect on me.
I hope that by sharing these three stories and their related lessons, I may be able to help you avoid the mistakes I made so you won’t run the risk of damaging any of your most valued friendships.
When I Ignored Her Needs
When I was in college, my freshman roommate was a friend from high school. We thought it would be best to room with someone we already knew rather than a total stranger.
By the end of our freshman year, we realized that we had less in common than we had thought and that it would be better to live separately, but still remain friends. As we both changed and grew over the next two years, we decided to live together again as seniors, and it really turned out to be the best rooming experience of all my four college years.
During our senior year, we attended the wedding of a mutual friend. At that wedding, I met a man (one of the groomsmen, actually) and had a great time with him. He was from out of town, was going home in the morning, and I really didn’t want the evening to end.
My friend and I had shared a taxi to the wedding and had planned on going home together. My plans, of course, had changed. I left her to her own devices, to flag down a taxi in a big city, in a part of town that she was not familiar with.
I should also explain that my friend was not the most adventurous or experienced person I knew. That was part of why she made such a good, reliable roommate.
I knew that she was very uncomfortable in the situation that I had created for her. But I didn’t care. I thought: “If things were reversed, I would understand. Why doesn’t she understand? What is the big deal anyway? It’s just a cab ride.”
But to her it wasn’t just a cab ride, and I knew it. I just didn’t want to admit that I knew it. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t true because of my own selfish motives.
In the end our friendship survived, but the long-distance relationship with the groomsman didn’t. He went back to his ex-girlfriend, and the friend that I had dumped for him comforted me through my heartbreak. She was a much better friend to me at that time than I had been to her.
The lesson: I learned from this situation that it is so easy to be selfish and not even realize that you are doing it. When you are in the heat of the moment, and you don’t take time to step back and think before you act, you run the risk of letting your emotions get the best of your judgment.
At that moment, all I thought about was my own interests and completely ignored the needs of my friend. I had no empathy for her, even though I was the one who was putting her in an unpleasant situation through my own selfish actions.
I learned that true empathy involves understanding and respecting how the other person is feeling even if you would not feel the same way if you were in the same situation. Rather than acknowledging how my friend felt, I expected her to see things my way and to feel as I would have if the situation had been reversed.
When I Gave in to Pressure
When I was in my early twenties and living in California, a friend with whom I had remained close for more than ten years flew out from Washington DC to visit me.
It was her first cross-country trip and a big deal to her. We had not seen each other in years and were both very excited about the visit.
During the last night of her trip, she was watching TV in my living room when the person who shared my apartment picked up his guitar and started to play. She told him to be quiet because she couldn’t hear the TV. When he took his guitar and left the room, I didn’t think anything of it.
But later that night he insisted that she had to leave because she had been disrespectful to him. I explained that it was her last night and she’d be gone in the morning. He refused to change his mind, and I gave in to his pressure.
My friend was in shock, to say the least. She wasn’t even given a chance to apologize. I drove her to a nearby hotel and paid for her room.
The next morning I took her to the airport, and, to her great credit, she didn’t blame me at all for what happened. I, on the other hand, felt terrible about my lack of conviction and inability to stand up for what I knew was right.
She and I eventually lost touch over the next year. She never said so, but I suspect that event marked the beginning of the end of our friendship.
The lesson: I learned that one bad decision can quickly ruin a friendship, especially if you don’t address it. Because my friend acted like she was fine, I preferred to just forget what happened. I thought that was easier than discussing it with her and reminding myself how ashamed I felt about my own behavior.
I took the easy, immature, and selfish option of sweeping it under the rug. I really think that if I had acted differently and taken responsibility for my mistake, our friendship would have survived.
When I Didn’t Want to Listen
Last year I was having a conversation with an old friend. We’ve known each other for almost fifteen years and have shared many of the ups and downs of our lives with each other.
During that conversation, I asked her if things were any better for her, as she’d just gone through a difficult and tumultuous couple of weeks. She said that things were better and she had not had any more thoughts of suicide.
Her statement took me completely by surprise, so much so that I had no idea how to react to it.
My immediate thought was that, as a friend, I couldn’t let a statement like that just slide by unaddressed. I had to say something, anything, in response, but I didn’t. I just acted like she hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary, even though she had never, ever said anything remotely close to that before.
I later thought about why I hadn’t reacted. And the truth was embarrassingly selfish and simple: I simply was not in the mood to listen.
I had asked her how she was doing out of politeness, not genuine concern or interest. That day, I was preoccupied and distracted with my own petty problems, and not present or engaged in the conversation. That day, I wasn’t a friend to her at all.
The lesson: I learned that the true meaning of friendship is to be available and supportive even when it is difficult or unpleasant. That is part of the responsibility that comes along with being a friend.
Anyone who has children knows that there are days when you don’t feel like doing what needs to be done, but you do it anyway. Similarly, as a true friend, you have to be present no matter what. A true friend doesn’t only provide help and support when it is convenient, but provides it every time that it is needed.
These are the hard lessons that I have learned about friendship. Do you have any friendship lessons that you learned the hard way?
-
Why It’s Okay to Feel Lost (And How to Find Your Way Again)
“Feeling lost, crazy and desperate belongs to a good life as much as optimism, certainty and reason.” ~Alain de Botton
Do you feel lost and alone?
Adrift and confused about which way to go?
Do you long for “something more” but have no clue what’s missing?
Maybe you’re not miserable exactly, but you’re not animated and in love with life either.
Your circumstances may even look pretty good on the outside.
But on the inside, where truth resides, you are bored to tears, unfulfilled, and restless.
Or maybe you are miserable, stuck in a painful place, silently suffering.
Trust me; I know what that feels like.
I felt lost as an introverted, highly sensitive soul struggling to conform to my environment.
I felt lost as I endured the shame of a teen pregnancy and years of pent-up grief over the adoption of my baby.
And I felt completely lost when I realized that I had spent over twenty years pursuing work that was utterly wrong for me.
For decades, I tried to just ignore the disturbing aspects of my life. I became good at distracting myself with routines and habits that brought me a sense of peace, however superficial.
Some of these habits even turned into addictions I had to overcome, but that’s another story.
With no real sense of identity or direction, I mostly did as I was told, stayed on the periphery of things, and focused on giving others what I thought they wanted from me.
Until I became so weary with my soul-crushing job and so depleted by not honoring my true nature that I felt like I’d die if I didn’t make a change.
But if I wasn’t going to do this work anymore, what was I going to do?
And how would I honor my true nature when I didn’t even know who I was or what I really wanted?
I sure have lost my way a lot in life.
It’s scary. But it’s okay. Because feeling lost can be a good thing. Let me show you why.
Why It’s Okay to Feel Lost
It means something better is waiting for you.
All feelings arise to show you something about yourself and your life.
Feeling lost doesn’t mean you’re doomed or that your life is hopeless. It simply means that something better is waiting for you.
Maybe you’ve been conducting your life based on what others believe is right, and you lost sight of what you really want.
Maybe you’ve been valuing the opinions of others over your own inner knowing.
Maybe you’ve been spending too much time with people who drag you down rather than lift you up.
These are all behaviors that, sooner or later, lead to discomfort. And they are all signs that something new and more suitable will ultimately happen.
It’s an opportunity to rekindle your curiosity.
Remember the sheer joy of discovery you experienced as a child when you learned things just because you were curious? Well, you can keep doing that as an adult, and it can be just as much fun.
Genuine curiosity—the persistent pursuit of understanding that leads to awareness and improvement—is an invitation to look into something not only with your mind but also with your heart and soul.
Asking lots of questions sparks interesting ideas and creates all kinds of connections; it opens up more options and opportunities.
It gives you a chance to reconnect with yourself.
Many of us have struggled to conform to our environment or life roles and lost sight of who we truly are.
Feeling lost is an opportunity to slow down the hectic busyness of your life, listen to your heart, and discover what matters most to you.
You can take time to rediscover your natural talents, the elements of your personality that have always been there. You can identify your deepest needs, values, and wishes.
The more you understand yourself, the easier you can detect what wants to happen next.
It can turn into an excellent adventure.
We humans have a strong need to control, fix, and influence everything.
The problem with thinking we know all the answers and trying to manage outcomes is that we end up shrinking, or getting stuck in place, rather than growing.
Feeling lost and confused isn’t meant to stop you in your tracks. It’s meant to beckon you forward along the path intended especially for you.
Venturing into this unknown territory can have an enchanting sense of possibility and freedom to it.
Life is meant to be an adventure in becoming, a blossoming into who you are meant to be. The most excellent adventure of all.
How to Find Your Way Again
Remember that you are not alone.
We’ve all struggled at one time or another with not knowing who we are, what we really want, or where we’re headed. Lessen your discomfort by reaching out to a friend you trust for empathy and gentle listening.
A good friend can serve as a sacred container, especially during life’s transitions. Through dialogue and honest sharing, friends can often reach a higher level of insight together.
Also remember that we belong to a larger universe that supports us and is an unwavering source of unconditional love, wisdom, and healing.
Use prayer or any other practice you enjoy to build your personal connection to your higher power. This reliable connection can stabilize you during times of uncertainty.
Practice calming your mind and your body.
Meditation, deep breathing, quiet time in nature, yoga, journaling, arts, crafts, and exercise. These are all proven ways to increase well-being. Choose something that works for you, and do it every day.
Stillness and silence are especially nurturing, and you can keep it simple. Try the following short breathing exercise.
Close your eyes and focus your attention on your breath passing in and out through your nostrils. Smile as you breathe, and within a few moments, your whole body will start to relax.
Several times a day, take sixty seconds to do this. That’s all—just sixty seconds. Allow your breath to take you to your quiet, calm center.
“In the attitude of silence, the soul finds the path in a clearer light,” said Mahatma Gandhi, “and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness.”
Explore, dream, discover.
Reawaken your curiosity, your childlike sense of wonder and openness.
The world is a fascinating place, and there are so many interesting things to learn about. Look around for inspiration and new interests.
Stretch out of your comfort zone by trying new things and meeting new people.
Use curiosity for self-understanding too. Ask yourself meaningful questions, and write about, draw, paint, or make a collage around anything that comes to you.
The following questions can get you started:
- What is something I’ve done that I’d love to do more of?
- What do I want to learn? What skills do I want to master?
- What do I know but don’t yet live?
- What have I been avoiding that needs to change?
- What could I do to make the world a better place?
Access your authentic power.
What does it mean to be a truly powerful human being?
In the words of spiritual teacher Gary Zukaz, “Authentic power is energy that is formed by the intentions of the soul. And, you are only as powerful as that for which you stand.”
So ask yourself, “What do I stand for?” And listen to your heart. You might also ask, “Who do I want to become?”
It’s okay if the answers don’t come right away. Just keep asking and listening for as long as necessary. It will be worth the wait.
Because the answers to those vital questions will reveal the very best you, the strongest, most generous you.
Remember that no matter what your circumstances or how lost you feel, you have the power to choose your direction and how to use your energy.
It’s Right Around the Corner
One fine day you will find your way from confusion to clarity.
Until then, stand tall in your unique personal power, and trust that all will be revealed to you when the timing is right.
You are moving, changing, and growing at the exact right pace.
Stay curious, and be gentle with yourself.
Your something better is right around the corner, inspiring and surprising, just waiting to be found.
-
Learn to Reduce Stress: Mindfulness eCourse by Thich Nhat Hanh
Stress can be overwhelming, and sometimes crippling.
Not only does stress suck the joy out of our days and keep us awake at night, it can also take a toll on our bodies.
Headaches, chest pain, digestive problems, hair loss—they’re all potential consequences of stress, not to mention serious conditions like heart disease and diabetes.
Then, of course, there are mental consequences. We feel anxious, restless, and irritable, and often scared and discouraged. Like there’s too much to do and we don’t have enough time or skills to do it.
Everything feels urgent, like life is a series of catastrophes to sidestep and fires to put out. It’s an exhausting way to live.
At least, it was for me.
And I knew I was creating a lot of problems for myself—that my stress stemmed not from my circumstances but rather how I chose to respond to them. Life felt like a ticking time bomb, but I was both the bomb squad and the madman holding the detonator.
To cope with this chronic tension, we often turn to quick fixes that actually create more problems than solutions. We shove it down with food, or spew it out with angry outbursts, or numb it with drugs and alcohol.
But it’s still there, bubbling below the surface, just waiting to erupt.
Life is always going to involve situations that we find stressful. We’ll lose jobs, loved ones, and eventually, our health. People will cross our boundaries, push our buttons, and leave us high and dry when we need them.
There will never be a time when life feels simple or easy.
We can choose to live in constant fight-or-flight mode, as if life is a string of crises; we can turn to Band-Aid behaviors to temporarily dull the pain; or we can take responsibility for learning a better way.
What is that better way? Mindfulness.
Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and our surrounding environment.
When we’re practicing mindfulness, we’re rooted in the present moment—not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
As a result, we’re able to reduce our own suffering and bring more joy and compassion to both ourselves and others.
To say that mindfulness has changed my life would be a massive understatement.
There was a time when I felt powerless to my overactive mind, and worse, I had no idea I was causing myself pain. I thought my response to adversity was the only possible one. I thought I had to be outraged, depressed, and anxious.
I still feel those feelings at times, but I now know how to observe them, learn from them, and release them so that they don’t consume me.
You can do the same, and I know just the course to get you started.
A while back, I connected with someone at Udemy
, a site that currently serves over 11 million students through more than 40,000 online courses.
They introduced me to a number of courses that might interest Tiny Buddha readers, including one entitled Mindfulness Practice for Joy & Compassion by Thich Nhat Hanh
This master Buddhist monk teaches students how to release suffering and heal the body through mindfulness techniques like walking meditation and breathing meditation.
Thích Nhất Hạnh is a Zen master, scholar, poet, and peace activist. He’s written over sixty books and was nominated for the 1967 Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King, Jr.
Hahn’s course will help you learn to:
- Embrace suffering and move through it
- Ease anxiety and relieve tension about the future
- Use suffering to generate love and compassion
- Avoid sickness with mindful consumption
You will walk away from this course knowing how to meditate, reflect, transform, and make a positive impact on your environment.
As you may have gathered through reading the site, I am highly selective with what I choose to promote here. I pride myself on only sharing products, books, and courses I would personally recommend, and this program certainly fits that criteria.
All you need for this course is a computer or mobile device with an Internet connection. You don’t need any prior knowledge of Buddhism or meditation.
And as a bonus, Udemy has offered a 30% discount for Tiny Buddha readers, bringing the cost from $50 down to $35 (from now until July 1st).
If you’re tired of feeling mentally exhausted, Thich Nhat Hanh’s course may be just what you need to find peace. You can learn more about Mindfulness Practice for Joy & Compassion by Thich Nhat Hanh here.
—
Continue your quest for knowledge with Udemy
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, which means I earn a percentage of all sales. Posts like these help support the site and keep it going.
