Tag: wisdom
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Release the Stress: Plan, but Know That Plans Change
“Failed plans should not be interpreted as a failed vision. Visions don’t change, they are only refined. Plans rarely stay the same, and are scrapped or adjusted as needed. Be stubborn about the vision, but flexible with your plan.” ~John C. Maxwell
This year started as a complete mess for me.
After a five-week holiday away from December to January, it was difficult to get back to London and into the swing of things. Not only was I still in holiday mode, but I also came back without a plan.
I am at a point in my life where I am still exploring where in the world I want to be, what I want to be doing, and how.
My background is quite varied and broad. I am half Finnish, half New Zealander, but I grew up in Singapore. I came to London for university, where I studied Geology & Geophysics and then Business Management. I also developed a passion for running, which extended into overall health, fitness, and nutrition, thus I started working as a fitness and running instructor.
I am at quite a fragile point, deciding what path to go down (which field—earth science, business, or fitness; which country—stay in the UK, one of my home countries, somewhere completely new).
It is a decision made harder by having lots of options and a mind that tends to look for the perfect decision. It results in overanalyzing and overthinking, and leads to procrastination. Even small steps and imperfect action would be better than staying still. But I am just so scared to make the “wrong” decision.
I know I want to live life doing what I love. I know what I love—the outdoors and nature, health and fitness, running, travel, and exploration. Therefore, I have a rough idea or vision of the where, what, how—somewhere with amazing nature and sunshine; something that combines the environment, outdoors, and fitness. So a rough idea, but not completely clear, and it feels like a lot of big decisions to make!
At the start of the year, I felt quite lost, really. The lack of plan and knowing made me feel out of control and anxious about the future. Having always harbored perfectionist tendencies and feared the unknown, it was terrifying for me.
So I tried to get back on track by planning. Planning things would make me feel more in control. Having a plan would make me feel less anxious and stressed. A perfect plan would solve everything and help me achieve anything, I thought.
And it did help get back into a routine and on track. But it also did the complete opposite and made me overthink everything, which created a lot of stress and more fear.
During the spring I was actively looking for different opportunities and things to learn, do, experience. It is amazing how much you can find when you really look.
I applied for and asked about many different opportunities including world expedition/exploration jobs and courses, fitness jobs, internships in these fields, startups related to nutrition or fitness, photography, writing, language courses, further education degrees.
At times I got good news and I thought I was in such a great place—lots of opportunities obtained and the whole year set out. I could relax and go with the plan.
But then I got bad news and things seemed to fall apart. For example, because of a foot injury I had to stop running and expedition hiking. And I didn’t get the startup job, which brought me back to square one with no set plans.
Throughout this time, no matter how much I planned, things would change. I felt so out of control and anxious. The whole opposite of what planning was meant to do.
But as time went on, even though the ups and downs kept coming, I started to feel calmer about it all. I don’t know if it was my daily meditation or the fact that I had been thrown out of my comfort zone so many times that I was getting used to it. In any case I was calmer and started to reflect.
I came to realize a few very important things:
1. Plan, but know that plans change.
Having a plan is good because it leads to setting and working toward goals. Hopefully these goals pertain to things that will bring you happiness and a sense of achievement. However, as much as you plan, things change. It is important to be okay with this and flexible. Then re-evaluating and getting going again will be much easier.
2. Overthinking can keep you stuck.
Spending all your time planning, overthinking, and overanalyzing is often procrastination for actually doing something. Usually because of some fear.
3. Doing something is more important than finding the “perfect” opportunity.
It’s important to take action toward any opportunities, even if they don’t seem perfect, as this opens doors for you. It gives you different avenues to explore, new ideas, and even routes to your goal. The open doors are also something you come back to, even when plans change. In the very least, it gives you experience.
4. And finally, in life we go through phases, some that seem good and some that seem bad. But neither lasts forever.
Sometimes you get into a bad phase and feel so stuck and unhappy. It feels like it will never pass. But it does. And then you get into a good phase and are really happy. As awesome as that is, unfortunately, that doesn’t last forever either. But the good news is that a good phase will come again!
I like to think about this as a metaphor about a blue sky and clouds. I got this idea from the mindfulness and meditation app “Headspace” (highly recommend!)
There’s always a blue sky. There may be sun, clouds, or rainy days (representing positive and negative thoughts or phases) and the weather keeps changing. But behind it there is always the calm blue sky, and overall everything is all right.
This idea helps you live more in the present and be calmer. It helps think clearly and make plans or decisions based on your core values. It helps with anxiety in not having everything planned, not having the perfect plan, thoughts of “what if my plan doesn’t work?” It just takes the pressure off and helps you live in the present rather than constantly fearing the future.
It’s great to make plans, to have a direction and vision. This helps you achieve the goals you set for yourself, things you always wanted to do or accomplish, things that could bring you happiness. But we need to accept that plans don’t always go, well, to plan!
Know that when they don’t, you can still achieve your goals and vision, just in a different way—and with a lot more peace of mind.
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The Trap of Thinking You’re Special and Entitled to Success
“Life is not designed to give us what we need; life is designed to give us what we deserve.” ~Jim Rohn
Is there something wrong with being special?
Short answer: yes.
But why is that? Being special is… special!
That’s true, but there’s a downside most people aren’t aware of.
Before we go any further, let me clarify what I mean by “being special.”
In short, being special is about thinking that what applies to others doesn’t apply to you, thinking that you’re an exception to the rules of life that others have to follow.
It has nothing to do with having healthy self-esteem or thinking highly of oneself; in fact, it’s all about ego and self-deception.
And you could be thinking in such a destructive way without even realizing it.
The Trap of Being Put on a Pedestal
Let’s say when you were growing up, people put you on a pedestal for something you did well.
Maybe you used to get straight A’s, maybe you were a good boy/girl who never broke the rules, maybe you were more physically attractive than most of your peers, and so on.
In short, you had a privilege that set you apart from your peers, and you may have done nothing or very little to get that advantage.
Maybe you never had to study hard and didn’t know how you got those awesome grades every time—it just happened!
Maybe politeness was natural to you and it seemed odd that people gave you so much credit for it.
You just had an advantage and enjoyed it, but you didn’t know how you got it.
People around you likely assumed you’d have an awesome future based on your awesome past (which, once again, didn’t require much effort from you).
Now, this kind of child, with the right set of circumstances, may grow up thinking that he/she is special. And this child might believe that he or she can succeed in anything with little effort. Soon enough, this person will figure out that this isn’t true.
My Story
When I was a kid, I used to be the perfect student.
Not only were my grades good, but also I used to be very polite and I made almost no mistakes.
My peers would say “Mosab, how do you get such great grades every time? How do you study?”
The teachers would tell another student to be like me: “Why can’t you be like Mosab?!”
I even remember that one day, a teacher caught my friend and me playing during the lesson, and I vividly remember that he told my friend something like:
“He doesn’t need to pay attention because his grades are already good, but you are the one who needs to pay attention.”
Because of the conditioning everywhere around me, I continued being that little “perfect” kid.
I ended up going to one of the best high schools in my country, graduating, and then going to one of the best colleges inside my country.
And don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful for the opportunities of studying in such awesome places and meeting great people throughout my journey.
But all of my past conditioning made me think that I had some kind of special power, that I was too smart to fail, and that everything I’d do would be a success.
I never understood how success really works, how real life works, or how to move one step at a time toward your goals. And here’s the most interesting part: I never understood how I could earn something or qualify for it; it was all there for me and I was already qualified.
For example, when I started my own blog, I assumed that people would love my writing immediately and that I’d have more knowledge than many other self-development bloggers, because I thought things would work the same way they did when I was a kid.
I assumed people would give me recognition immediately; I wouldn’t have to work hard because I’m so awesome! Of course, that proved to be untrue.
What About You?
For you it could be a whole different story, but the outcome may be the same: You were deceived to believe you were an exception, especially if you had a bright past.
At some point, you may get lazy, assuming that one day you will have a better future just because of your astounding past.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. The only way to create a great future is to work for it.
From my own story, and from many people I’ve seen who think that they’re “too epic to fail,” I can confidently say that “being special” is nothing but a way to escape the discomfort of taking responsibility and changing things. It’s a way to avoid hard work, a self-deception strategy.
After all, it’s easier to say you’re special, especially if you have the past to back it up, than to jump into the mud and get your hands dirty working on changing your situation.
The Valuable Lessons You Need To Learn Here
Ego, especially when you hide it from yourself, is your worst enemy.
In fact, ego is nothing but a symptom of feeling weak in one area and wanting to cover that up by acting too strong, which never works.
In order to get something, you need to qualify for it, to earn it, and that requires putting yourself on the line and working hard.
It also requires facing yourself and admitting that sometimes you’ll fail and struggle, but you still have room to grow.
I leaned this the hard way, and I’m still learning, but now I can see clearly that I must stop thinking that the world owes me something and start working hard to get what I want.
Now, I like to think that I’m unique, not special. We’re all unique somehow; we all have unique perspectives and abilities, and we can use our own uniqueness to design our future—if we’re willing to put in the effort.
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8 Simple Ways to De-Stress and Rejuvenate When You Can’t Take a Vacation
“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah
It’s a common theme—jobs keep piling up, new problems arise, and deadlines are nearing. Taking time out for yourself to de-stress and rejuvenate is so far down the to-do list you don’t even consider it a possibility.
But the long-term effects of putting yourself last are real, especially because they take a while to show. They creep up slowly until one day you’ve burnt out.
When I was in this position, it didn’t end too well. The combination of dealing with long-term insomnia, hairdressing full-time, and studying led me to exhaustion.
I had adrenal fatigue and my body was so tired that everything hurt. My eyes were constantly stinging, head continuously throbbing, and my muscles were always sore from never getting the rest they needed.
I eventually quit hairdressing, because there’s only so long you can function as a zombie with sharp scissors in your hand, but I left to pursue my own business which brought with it even more work.
I had to find a way to recharge constantly throughout the day if I wanted to keep up with such an involved career.
You are your own most valuable asset, and no matter how important another task is, if you don’t dedicate some time to yourself, you’ll burn out. The harder you push, the harder you’ll fall.
I learned how to find time to dedicate to me while working, studying, and sleeping only two hours a night. I’ll show you how you can do it, too.
1. Let go of shoulds.
Let go of telling yourself you should do certain things. If it’s not a necessity, don’t overthink it.
Shoulds are guilt trips disguised as obligations, which add to extra stress and eat up time. Even if you don’t do anything else I mention in this post, let go of telling yourself you should do tasks you don’t need to do, or even want to do.
The ones I constantly struggle with are “I should get up earlier to get more work done, I should do yoga every day, I should spend less time on my phone.” Whenever I catch myself saying these, I smile and simply reword it: “I should do whatever makes me feel good right now. What is that?”
Sure, there are times when we need to push ourselves to make healthy choices. But if you’re too tired to go to the gym and it would make you feel good to take a walk through the park, that gets the job done too.
This one change in perspective will make you feel lighter and happier throughout the entire day.
2. Find a short, relaxing exercise routine.
Whether it’s stretching exercises, yoga, or a moving meditation, a short routine like this is ideal.
You address three things in one go: You give yourself fifteen minutes to yourself, you get your blood flowing to your head and around your body, and you relax and stretch out your tight muscles.
Rather than choosing a fifteen-minute power yoga session to “make it worthwhile,” find something that feels good that allows you to feel centered. Don’t worry about how many calories you’ll burn; this is purely for pleasure.
There are plenty of guided videos on YouTube, so you don’t even need to go to a class to reap the relaxing benefits.
3. Spoil yourself.
No matter how small it is, get out of the house and get something done that makes you feel good.
Haven’t brushed your hair properly in a month? Go to the salon and get a hair treatment. Shoulders are tired and achy? Get some acupuncture or a massage.
Even when the budget doesn’t allow for a indulging, remember that you are fully qualified and capable of looking after yourself!
Try soaking your feet in a tub of hot water with epsom salts while listening to a podcast, relaxing music, or an audiobook. You want this to be an enjoyable timeout so listen to your body and let it tell you what it wants.
4. Get away for a day.
You may genuinely not have time right now to leave for a day, but what about if you committed to going in three weeks’ time? Could you aim to get everything done before then or book the rest in for when you return?
Changing scenery and getting away from your usual routine will do wonders to your mind. Leave everything and decide that on this one specific day nothing else matters.
5. Set yourself a daily routine.
I first learned about efficient daily routines from a book called The Miracle Morning. In a nutshell, this routine consists of completing the six most efficient personal development practices, every single morning.
These include meditation, affirmations, visualization, exercise, reading, and journaling.
I read The Miracle Morning when I had insomnia. Falling asleep before 3am was a “good night,” so the idea of getting up an hour early wasn’t even something I’d consider. But I knew there was something to it.
So instead of mornings, I would find time during the day to complete these, and not always all at once, either. Ten minutes of reading on my lunch break, ten minutes of exercise when I got home, ten minutes of journaling and visualizations before bed, and so on.
If I ever found myself sitting there doing nothing (or worse, mindlessly flicking through social media!) I would try to complete another one.
Though this wasn’t the “correct” way to do it, it introduced me to a world of self-love and forgiveness. I forgave my mind for not falling asleep when I needed it to, I forgave myself for the anger I felt when I was tired and cranky every morning, and I decided to give myself the love I deserved.
By doing these short practices throughout the day you prove to yourself you’re worth this time to serve you. And the best part is that it doesn’t require a big chunk of time to benefit.
“The moment you accept responsibility for EVERYTHING in your life is the moment you gain the power to change ANYTHING in your life.” ~Hal Elrod, The Miracle Morning
6. Find a hobby.
What is something you love to do? Something you’re yearning to do, but don’t?
Can you find a community group that does this on a regular basis? Imagine connecting with likeminded people while doing something you love.
When you reconnect with an activity you enjoy you’ll fall in love with how it makes you feel, which means you’ll make it a priority to do regularly.
Whether it’s an art class or salsa dancing, fulfill this desire you have and it’ll naturally lead to letting go of stress.
7. Leave criticisms and gossip; express gratitude instead.
We’ve all been there, even though we know it makes us feel terrible and accomplishes nothing.
Instead, talk about your latest achievements or something fabulous you noticed someone else doing. Tell your friend that you love what she’s been doing lately, and ask her what she’s learned from it.
Not only might you learn something new, but showing gratitude and appreciation is the quickest and easiest way to feel excited and alive.
Do you ever notice how you light up when you’re pumped about something? How you start talking three times faster and can’t even express in words how happy it makes you?
We could all benefit from raising each other up and celebrating accomplishments and it would lead to building strong, happy, and powerful relationships.
8. Find a song that makes you go places.
You know the ones that give you goose bumps and make you forget about the rest of the world for those few minutes? Keep those songs handy, whether they’re on your phone or saved in YouTube. Then when you need a break all it takes is to plug your earphones in and listen.
You don’t always need to do something to fix a problem; sometimes all it takes is to let go, surrender, and let your problems and stresses melt away.
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Dedicating time to yourself is essential to de-stress and rejuvenate. And as you can see, these ways are achievable no matter how busy you are.
The aim is to do small, purposeful practices throughout the day to truly make your moments count. Which one will you start on first?
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How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy
“It’s not what you look at that matters; it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau
We don’t see with our physical eyes, we see with our minds. I learned this lesson the hard way when I turned fifty-five. Suddenly, new wrinkles, deeper crow’s feet, dry eyes, and dryer skin seem to enjoy welcoming me each morning when I looked in my mirror.
I began to notice other people my age and I would automatically compare my appearance to theirs. Was she younger looking than me? Did she still appear under fifty (even when I knew she wasn’t)?
As you might guess, the negative train of doubt, comparison, and judgment did not fill me with joy. Instead, a looming sense of dread began to permeate through my life, dragging me into the abyss of aging despair. Hope became a lost memory, and the inevitability of growing older my reality.
My age stories became a lens through which I saw my life.
My mirror was my worst enemy. The more anti-aging skin care products I bought, the less I liked myself. It soon became a self-fulling prophecy—I thought I looked old, so I started acting older.
It wasn’t until after I meditated that I realized the trap I had fallen into—telling myself limiting stories when I had the same ability to tell myself something positive and empowering. I learned to shine my awareness on the negative beliefs and use a simple process to reframe them.
Story Alchemy™ to the Rescue
The word “alchemy” has earned a bad reputation over the centuries. Magic and witchcraft are associated with it, as well as charlatans and sorcerers. But alchemy is really about transformation.
Instead of changing lead into gold, Story Alchemy guides you through a simple four-step process to transform your limiting stories from negative to empowering.
The four steps are:
1. Realize.
You have to first realize that you created your story. No one else—just you. When you accept this fact, it returns your power to change your story.
2. Responsibility.
Once you acknowledge that you created your story, you understand that you have the responsibility to change it. If your story keeps you playing small, then it’s time to decide to tell a different version.
3. Reframe.
This is the fun part! Reframing requires looking at the situation or person and seeing another side that you did not acknowledge before now. Every situation can be reframed into a positive version. If nothing else, that fact that you survived to tell the story is cause enough to celebrate.
4. Release.
The last step requires forgiveness of yourself for creating the limiting story. Being kind and compassionate to yourself releases you to tell your new story. The old one has served its purpose, now it is time to let it go and replace it with the new, empowering version.
How did I use Story Alchemy to see past the physical evidence of growing older? I realized that I had accepted society’s definition of age, and I set about creating a new definition.
Now when you ask me how old I am, I will always respond (with a twinkle in my eye) that “I am as old as I think I am. Today, I think I am in the mid-forties.”
The person usually laughs and nods her head, acknowledging my joie-de-vivre if not my humor.
My declaration of age in terms of how I feel makes me happy, because tomorrow, I can decide again how old I feel. My self-image and value is not tied to a number that I can’t control, which is quite a liberating concept.
As I began telling my new story about my age, I noticed something peculiar. Whenever I passed by a mirror, I deliberately stopped and took a moment to look deep into my own eyes. A spark of divine light was always waiting for me to acknowledge it.
Knowing that I am the embodiment of such loving energy always puts a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. I know that I am not just my body or my age, but part of something so much bigger than myself.
Of course, age is only one topic that is ripe for limiting stories. There are so many more—money, relationships, career…the list could easily expand beyond the word count for this article. The point is to start becoming aware of your limiting stories and make a conscious decision to pivot and tell a more empowering version.
For example, if you are struggling in a relationship or have a history of “failed” relationships, why not take some time to discover the thread that runs through your past? It is helpful to pretend that you are an “explorer” and you want to discover the buried treasure in your past. Some questions you might ask yourself are:
- Why do you believe that relationship ended?
- What did the other person claim was the reason?
- What limiting story do you carry with you about that relationship?
As you dig deeper into the rich soil of your past, you will discover some artifacts of insight. Make a chart and write down what you discover about each relationship. A pattern may begin to emerge that will lead you to a common story you told yourself that led you to act in a way that impacted the health of the relationship.
Remember, the stories you tell yourself filter your reality. If you believe that you are incapable of forming new relationships because you are too sensitive, then you will be. If you are convinced that you are too old to learn a new career, you will remain stuck. If you always feel constricted around the topic of money, then its energy will never flow the way it is supposed to.
After you alchemize your limiting stories, you will see the light instead of the dark. Your sensitivity in relationships actually makes you a better listener and friend. Your work experience is valuable, especially when you are confronted with conflict because you have a deeper understanding of people and their motivations. Money is seen as just an exchange of value, instead of a definition of your value.
When you begin using your new, empowering story, observe the changes that naturally result in your relationships. Because you have changed your internal dialogue, your external actions will also shift.
You may also discover small bits of your authenticity that you had forgotten. You may find that you laugh more often and you give yourself permission to be playful or silly. As you peel away the layers of limiting stories, your vision will clear and you will see yourself and your world from a new perspective.
The end result is that your mind and eyes will begin to see the same things. No longer in conflict, you will notice random moments of happiness and joy bursting into your awareness. Be forewarned: spontaneous dancing may also occur!
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How to Defeat Your Insecurities and Tell Someone You Love Them
“Our own ego judges us, so we become afraid of self-awareness. If it’s not puffing us up to look better than others, it’s tearing us down—anything to block us from feeling at one with reality and who we are.” ~Beth Maynard Green
Have you ever had insecurities stand in your way?
Have you ever felt afraid to tell someone how you feel?
Have you ever felt like someone could never love you the same way you love them?
We all have insecurities that hold us back in our professional life, our social life, and most of all, our love life. This is something I’ve struggled with a lot.
As someone with a serious physical disability who is basically a quadriplegic, I have often told myself I am not complete.
I’ve told myself I’m not enough, that I’m not good enough or strong enough. I’ve told myself that other people are not interested in knowing me or that they have already made all sorts of judgments about me.
Through my self-criticism, I’m actually imposing my self-image on other people, assuming they see me the same way I see myself. That way, I have an excuse to refrain from being vulnerable because I already made their minds up for them. I don’t have to open myself up and see what they actually think. I have an excuse not to take chances.
So, in a twisted sort of way, I’m actually feeding my ego while also “protecting” it from any actual feedback that I could learn from. Also, I’m missing out on the possibility that I could reach out and make a meaningful connection because maybe my self-criticism is off base.
How Insecurities Blocked Me From Telling Someone How I Truly Felt
I remember struggling with insecurity when I met a girl in college. She was beautiful and talkative, and I was an attentive listener. She liked to tell stories, and I loved to listen to her slightly British-sounding Caribbean accent.
She was energetic and outgoing while I was more laid back and introverted. Our temperaments complemented one another. We hit it off right away.
I really liked her, and I felt like she might like me too, but my insecurities kept getting in the way. In my mind, she could never like me the way I liked her.
We spoke on the phone late into the night and spent every moment we could together. But we were just friends.
So I talked around the issue. I poked at it from one direction and prodded at it from the other. I did everything I could to avoid being the first to say something really dangerous, to avoid showing my true feelings.
My subtlety was without compare; my hints were so obscure that even I wasn’t sure what I was talking about. She never suspected a thing.
Eventually, my ego got tired of protecting me from the terrible fate it knew would result. I decided to try something different.
I got up the courage to let her know how I felt about her, and she reciprocated. The feeling was unbelievable. She was my first and only real girlfriend.
From then on, the world would feel like a profoundly altered place. For the last twenty years, she’s been a constant reminder that my ego has no idea what it’s talking about!
How to Find the Courage to Tell Someone You Love Them
As someone with a physical disability that leaves me dependent on others, I’m no stranger to insecurity. I’ve told myself all sorts of stories about how unworthy I am.
If I can find my way past negative self-talk, anyone can. Allow me to share some ideas that helped me along the way.
1. Break up with your ego.
Often, when we accuse someone of having a big ego, we mean that they are overly confident. But sometimes we can be overly confident about what we think reality actually is.
I took a while to learn this, and I’m still learning this every day, but the ego is a double-edged sword. It can make you feel great about yourself, and also terrible.
What the ego loves to do is tell stories about reality; it likes to believe that it has everything figured out.
We think we know exactly where we stand, exactly the way it is that people perceive us. Sometimes it’s easier to “know” we will fail than it is to actually try and risk embarrassment.
It’s time to challenge our assumptions and burst the ego’s bubble.
2. Stop playing telepath.
When we attribute thoughts or motives to others, this is often just based on our own insecurities. This mental chatter can even be randomness. Thousands of thoughts go through our heads throughout the day, many of which we ignore as inconsequential or even nonsensical.
You’re doing yourself and the other person a disservice by trying to read their thoughts through a cloud of your own insecurity.
I did this a lot with her facial expressions and intonation. I was reading her all over the board, convincing myself that she was everything from madly in love with me to pitying me and using me as a charity case.
This sort of thing can drive you crazy, and at some point, I knew I had to stop because it was destroying my ability to be genuine. If I’m not being myself, pursuing a real relationship with anyone, let alone someone I have real feelings for, is pointless.
3. Leave your mind; enter the moment.
When you want to tell someone you love them, you want to feel fully in tune with them. If for some reason you decide that the other person doesn’t feel the same way, you want that decision to be based on that person’s actual behavior, not some random doubt on your behalf.
As an introverted person, my ability to project my own insecurities on the world is strong. I have to make a conscious effort to focus on what is actually happening in the interaction.
This can sometimes be done with a mini mindfulness exercise. Just focus on the sights, smells, and sounds in your immediate vicinity. Most importantly, focus on the other person and what they’re saying, not what you’re saying to yourself in your head.
4. Let your heart speak; let your ego be vulnerable.
Keep it real, but accept there are no guarantees. If you’re nervous, show it, or even say it. If you’re not sure how to say how you feel, it’s okay to say so and take a moment to figure it out.
If you’ve known this person long enough to feel like you’re ready to share intimate feelings, they probably like you enough to allow you the time to gather your thoughts. If not, this probably isn’t the time to broach the subject.
In my case, I can remember stumbling over several different versions of what I wanted to say before settling on one that seemed appropriate. It’s been a long time, so I don’t remember exactly what I said, but the words will be different for everyone, and, honestly, they don’t matter so much as the authenticity of the feelings behind them.
5. Remember, no matter what, you will be okay.
When it comes to love, we often stop ourselves because we fear the consequences we’ve dreamed up. “What if I ask someone on a date and they say no?” But the truth is that, whatever the consequences, we have the capacity to move on.
Living your life in fear is far worse, never knowing how it feels to take a risk on love.
When you accept the idea that you will be okay despite any social consequences, you will act with far more freedom — which is invaluable in areas even beyond romance. Because fear of social consequences can cripple us in so many different ways, from making friends to career advancement.
If I Can Do It, I Know You Can
I know you’re thinking that you don’t have the courage to tell that special person what you’re truly feeling, but I believe in you. If I can do it, I know anyone can.
See yourself taking that first step and feeling the relief of being open and honest for the first time. Envision the smiling face of that other person in response to the heartfelt words you’ve shared.
Picture the newfound confidence you’ll feel because you were rewarded for your bravery and authenticity. Imagine the new life that is ahead of you, a life shared with someone you care about.
This reality could await you if you would just abandon your self-criticism and the insecurity, and open yourself up to true possibility.
You’re probably telling yourself that this sounds unlikely. I know this because I’ve told myself the same thing, but I know from experience that the negative self-talk is a lie more often than not.
Take the first step, and follow the principles I outlined above.
A beautiful new romance is waiting for you.
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Coping with Anxiety When People Aren’t There for You
“People aren’t always going to be there for you. That’s why you need to learn to handle things on your own.” ~Unknown
Anxiety is a box around your mind. It’s the cage in which your deepest worries start to pace, then walk, and gain momentum until they’re out of control.
Once these worries and scenarios take off and hit the walls of this box, they’re trapped, and tension starts building.
It can be an exhausting cycle of stress that you might think you have to face alone if you want to avoid opening yourself up to pity or rejection.
You may think others will judge or stereotype you if they know about your struggle. Or, you might worry that if they do know, they’ll assume you’re either looking for attention or not doing enough to function like everyone else.
Here’s the kicker: You don’t have to function like everyone else. When you struggle with anxiety, just functioning is something to be proud of.
The absence of another’s approval or input when progressing can make you feel like you’re not making improvement at all. It’s hard to pull yourself out of an anxiety attack or downturn of emotions, and it can feel lonely when you think you can’t call on anyone, but there are times when self-reliance is your only option.
Yes, this may happen. It happened to me, and it was my worst-case scenario realized.
I lost people who I called on too many times for help, and I know I frustrated people by making unhealthy choices solely because I was anxious about the alternative options.
I felt like a burden on the very people I would help in any way I could, if the situation were reversed.
Relating to friends became a game of how normal I could act. It’s an extremely difficult way to live.
Although it can be helpful to open up to someone who can support you, sometimes you need to admit to yourself that, in this moment, you must do it alone.
Here are a few things that have helped me cope with my anxiety and the disappointments in my relationships.
1. Recognize that some people won’t be able to be there for you.
I started out the summer in a close group of my four best friends and ended it with a completely new social group and a long drive to a different country.
It’s not easy to let go of friends you thought were going to be in your life forever, but it’s often necessary.
Knowing when to separate is something I struggle with. I constantly think of what I could still have in my life if I had made different choices. But I know I made the right decision for myself. The best friends I look to now understand my struggles and uplift me instead of bringing me down.
When you grow, the people you surround yourself with may change, but this is the best part of the process. As you meet new people and gain new interests, you’ll find individuals that you’ll connect with on a deeper level than you would simply based on who was in close proximity.
Allow people to have a temporary presence in your life, and stop weighing yourself down with worry about whether that’s the right choice.
Trying to maintain relationships that are exhausting or stressful, just because you don’t want to be lonely, will prevent you from finding relationships that provide the support you need.
2. Forgive yourself.
Often. Until you’re sure you’ve forgiven every mistake you’ve made and will make in this learning process.
I often ruminate on possible mistakes I made until they become these catastrophically negative ideas about how others may see me.
Learning to let go of the past and forgive all of these small slips has had a huge impact on how I am able to deal with daily anxiety. There’s enormous power in realizing that all of these small worries really are just that—small—and very few have an impact on the big picture of your life.
There are many things I exaggerated in my mind through the past year that I realize, as I regretfully look back, weren’t worth the time I lost being happy.
Yes, I made mistakes.
I did things to follow the crowd and swallowed my opinions because I felt too anxious to speak my mind. I held my feelings inside because I worried about upsetting people, and as a result, jeopardized relationships with my family. I jeopardized my health for a few party nights. I called in sick to work because I couldn’t imagine working in such an anxious state.
I forgave myself for it all.
Forgiving myself isn’t a way to shirk responsibility for the apologies I should give, but when you’re on your own journey, you can’t depend on others to give you the absolution you’re seeking.
If you give yourself love, compassion, forgiveness, and support, it will be easier to cope when others don’t offer you these things.
3. Practice gratitude.
“Interrupt anxiety with gratitude.”
This quote has helped me more than any counselor or antidepressant has in the past.
Anxiety causes the scenarios in my mind to become disaster scenes within moments. I might be thinking about an interview or an event I have to attend, or even simply a friend I have to meet, and instantaneously become worried sick about what could go wrong.
Once again, starting small helped me work through my daily anxiety without another’s support.
It really is about the little things in life.
At first, I was grateful for the fact that the tap water I used to wash my hands wasn’t freezing cold on a winter day. I was grateful for my tea still being hot when I got to school. I was grateful that my hair wasn’t frizzy.
But soon, it grew into more than that. It became “I’m grateful I have an interview to go to because it’s the possibility of a job.” It was “I’m grateful that I have an event to go to because it means people want me to be there,” and, “I’m glad I have to meet this person because I enjoy their mindset.”
It healed “I’m worried you don’t love me” into “I’m so grateful that you are in my life.”
Gratitude for the present moment allows anxiety to fall to the wayside. You choose to honor the positive possibilities rather than obsess over the chance of a negative outcome.
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Through all of the trials anxiety will put you through, remember that your journey is your own. Yes, it’s helpful to have support, and we all deserve it. But you can choose to help yourself whether others do or not. So do it. Function. Happily. Independently. And confidently on your own terms.
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Whose Mind Is It Anyway? Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Life (Giveaway!)
Note – This winners for this giveaway have been chosen. They are:- Stephanie
- Kait Husmann
A few years back, Tiny Buddha contributor Lisa Esile wrote a post about negative thinking that was incredibly eye opening.
Titled 3 Reasons to Stop Worrying About Your Negative Thoughts, her post suggested that instead of trying to suppress negative thoughts or replace them with positive ones—as conventional wisdom suggests—we should observe them, choose not to believe them, and let them naturally pass.
Brilliant, I thought. Don’t feel bad about the thoughts that go through your head (which adds guilt on top of the stress that comes from constant judging, assuming, worrying, plotting, and controlling).
Instead, create space between you and your thoughts. Stop fighting your mind and start understanding it.
Stop struggling to let thoughts go and instead, let them be.
Ah, instant relief.
I know what you might be thinking: If we don’t listen to our thoughts, how will we know what to do? How will we solve problems? How will we figure out what we want and make a plan to get there?
Lisa tackles all of this, and more, in her quirky new illustrated book Whose Mind Is It Anyway? Get Out of Your Head and Get into Your Life.
Co-written by her husband, Franco Esile, Whose Mind Is It Anyway touches upon how our thoughts can drive us crazy, how our beliefs can sabotage us, and how easy it is to find calm—once we stop thinking our way through life.
It’s a quick read, but don’t let that fool you: Within seven short, fun chapters, Lisa and Franco have succinctly explained how we can not only find peace from our thoughts, but also be at peace with ourselves.
I’m a huge fan of Lisa’s work, and I couldn’t be more grateful that she sent me a copy of her book and offered two free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.
Whether you win a copy or choose to grab one today, I recommend keeping it somewhere you’ll see it often and flipping through the pages whenever you’re getting stuck in a web of thoughts.
Start paying attention to how your mind works and you’ll notice this happens a lot!
THE GIVEAWAY
To enter to win one of two free copies of Whose Mind Is It Anyway?:
- Leave a comment below. You don’t need to write anything lengthy—“count me in!” is more than enough!
- For en extra entry, share this post on one of your social media pages and include the link in your comment.
Good luck!
Want to grab a copy now? You can order Whose Mind Is It Anyway: Get Out of Your Head and Get into Your Life on Amazon here.
FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.
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7 Tips to Help You Scale Back on Social Media & Reclaim Your Time
“Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” ~Theophrastus
We’ve all been there.
We’re supposed to write a paper, send an email, do our job!
We have deadlines, places to see, people to meet, and yet we find ourselves (for the umpteenth time) perusing our Facebook timeline, scrolling our Instagram feed, or catching up on Twitter updates.
Whether it’s YouTube, Facebook, or Twitter, we are all experts at self-distraction, and we wonder where all that time goes!
It’s actually getting a bit scary. Social media addiction is a real thing, and research from the University of Maryland shows that approximately four out of five students experience negative side effects when disconnecting from technology for a day.
More research has shown that too much social media and smartphone use is affecting our happiness, stunting development in children, and decreasing academic potential in students.
Social media rehab programs are available now, but like everything I believe we can avoid going to rehab by implementing some simple but necessary practices into our daily lives. Let’s be proactive about curbing our social media use.
Now, before you get all self-righteous, let me just stop you. I love social media like it’s my job. In fact, it is!
I am a social media manager and spend much of the day creating content and engaging communities on social platforms. Not to mention spending my free time maintaining my personal social profiles and interacting with friends online.
Not so long ago, I was not practicing any of the “rules” below, I was constantly online, and my sleep, stress levels, and relationships were the worse for it.
I had to learn to be disciplined and use the tools available to stay focused and do the work without getting sucked into the proverbial black hole.
Here’s how!
7 Social Media Rules
1. No laptops or cellphones in the bedroom.
There was a time when I charged my phone beside my bed every night. Checking Facebook or Twitter became the first and last thing I did every day. I did not want to miss that important news tidbit or mention.
But here’s the thing! It’s really bad for you. The technology itself, the light given off by our screens to be precise, prevents our brains from releasing melatonin, a hormone that tells our bodies it’s nighttime.
A recent study published last year in the Science Translational Medicine journal found that the amount of caffeine you’d get in a double espresso has a smaller effect on your sleep schedule then the light off of our smartphones and laptops. So while you may not be drinking coffee in the evenings anymore, it turns out your sleep is way worse off because you are using your smartphone in the evenings.
This means it takes us longer to fall asleep, but science is also showing us that it has more and more negative, and even dangerous long-term effects—not getting enough sleep or only getting poor quality sleep has been linked to obesity, cardiovascular disease, diabetes and an increased risk of certain cancers.
And guess what, checking Twitter that one last time is not going to change your life or even your next day one little bit!
Practical Tip: Buy an alarm clock! You do not need to use your smartphone to wake you up every morning.
2. Create a morning ritual.
I don’t really care what it looks like, as long as you need to finish it before you get online every morning.
If you’re really ambitious you might try to “sign on” after you have eaten breakfast, but I know that is unrealistic for a lot of us.
Other ideas could include: meditation, (or if you are religious, a daily devotional), a work out, or walking your dog.
Knowing that you cannot access your smartphone or laptop first thing will free your brain up for other things and is a much better start to your day.
Practical Tip: This practice of creating a ritual can be used at any time throughout the day. For example, you might decide you want to read a book for thirty minutes a day during your lunch break. Leave your smartphone at your desk when you go for lunch.
Whatever ritual you decide on, make sure you commit to yourself that these “me” moments are smartphone-free.
3. Social time means NO social media.
This works if you have a significant other, a roommate, or live at home. If you live alone this is more difficult, but there are still practical applications.
My wife and I have a rule: When we are spending time together, whether that is on the couch reading, at the table eating, or in front of the TV, our phones and computers are not allowed. This can be applied when you meet friends for a drink or to watch sports.
Practical Tip: You might want to keep your chargers in a room that you aren’t often in, that way when your smartphone needs a charge it has to leave the room. You would be surprised what happens, out of sight, out of mind!
4. Get a watch.
This one is dead simple! I actually have to thank my wonderful wife for this particular tip. For her birthday this year she asked for a watch; that way she could stop needing to use her phone to check the time.
Not only is a watch a stylish, fashion accessory that not many people use anymore, but it actually works to reduce smartphone (and social media) use. So many of us use our smartphones as our alarm clock (direct violation of rule 1), we check it to make sure we catch the bus on time or to count down the minutes in our class.
Just because our smartphones have the ability to do something doesn’t mean we should rely on them for it.
Practical Tip: Reduce your reliance on your smartphone for things you need (like knowing the time) and you will check social media less.
5. Take tech breaks.
Use a stopwatch during the day. After you have checked your social profiles and have caught up on emails, set it for fifteen minutes and then turn your phone off.
This is what Dr. Larry D. Rosen of California State University suggest continuing this until we don’t feel the need to constantly check in. Dr. Rosen is a Professor of Psychology, author of iDisorder, and one of the world’s experts in the “Psychology of Technology.”
“Increase your tech break by five minutes every week or so, and soon you will be able to not check in for an hour or more without getting anxious about what you may have missed,” Rosen advises. “It also trains your friends, family and colleagues to not expect that immediate Pavlovian response!”
6. Turn off notifications.
Social notifications are the enemy of everything this post is trying to achieve. If your smartphone pings, vibrates, lights up, or does a dance every time you get a new follower or “like,” then it is distracting you from whatever you may be doing at the time, whether you check it or not!
In the last sixteen years, the average attention span of humans has dropped from twelve to eight seconds. We now have a shorter attention span than a goldfish. The age of social media and smartphones has resulted in hyperactive attention spans that can’t rival our pets!
Practical Tip: Turn off Facebook and Twitter notifications on your laptop and smartphone. I guarantee you that you’ll still check your profiles often enough that you do not have to worry about giving your followers timely responses, and this way you can stay focused and in the moment.
7. You can’t do it alone.
It is not weakness to fail; after all, the science shows that social media is addictive. So don’t rely solely you’re your own will power to accomplish the above.
There are multiple apps now which block social media sites, apps and other time-wasting online activity of your choosing. For Apple users you can even block websites on iPads or iPhones via Settings à General à Restrictions and then pick which apps or websites you would like to block.
Other softwares that can help us battle our need for social media “hits” include:
- SelfControl (Mac users)
- Cold Turkey (PC users)
- Stay Focused (Chrome users) – my personal favorite
Unfortunately, this is only relevant to Google Chrome users, but this app has been a game changer for me and my fight to stay productive.
Basically it allows you to limit the daily time you spend on any website. I allow ten minutes daily on Facebook. You would be astonished at how long ten minutes on a social media platform actually is.
At the beginning, I ran out of time before lunch, which freed my mind and time up for more productive and often more important things. Now, I never even reach my ten-minute limit. I have realized how little I need to check Facebook on a daily basis.
The great thing about this app is that you can dictate how long your daily limit is, which particular sites that you limit and then it will warn you as you near your limit on said sites. Try it out, it might surprise you.
A Challenge
I wanted to leave you with a bonus thought that may be completely unrealistic but at least will give you something to think about before you go off to check Facebook. Smartphones are the biggest facilitator of our addiction to social media.
A report from Informate Mobile Intelligence found that people in the U.S. check their social media accounts seventeen times a day. That’s at least once every waking hour, and American’s are not even close to the biggest culprit.
Smartphone users in Asia and South America checked social media at least forty times a day. Generation Z might be the most unsettling trend. Some teenagers in the U.S. check their social media feeds more than 100 times a day.
I don’t know about you, but even while writing this I find myself getting all defensive about my smartphone use. I tell myself I need it for work, or that I will lose touch with my friends, or even that my social presence will suffer for it.
But the fact is, they are all lies. People had thriving careers and social lives long before smartphones. And as for my social media presence, if it is that important to me I will make it work via my laptop or tablet. But the fact is we don’t need to be connected 24/7.
I know it is very counter culture and a scary thought, but I challenge you to at least think about whether you need your smartphone. The process of thinking about it will make the rest of the “rules” listed above seem way more important, and even doable, and surely that is worth it.
Go Out and Live
Yes, we have all been there.
But it doesn’t mean we have to stay there. Life is more than RTs and Likes, even if it is your job.
Your home should always be a refuge and a place where you can unplug, at least a little.
Since I have been using these rules in my life, I got married and have a happy, healthy relationship with my wife, I read more, I work out regularly, and I have started a personal yoga practice. All things which I can attribute, in part, to not being so plugged in at home.
You are going to mess up! Heck, while writing this article I must have checked my smartphone a dozen times. But using the above household rituals and rules will make sure that your life revolves less around social media then it once did.
Try the above suggestions for a week, and I promise that you will notice a difference!
