Tag: wisdom
-
5 Ways I’ve Lived Life More Fully Since My Cancer Scare
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein
A few months ago, I had my first mammogram. I have two first cousins who died of breast cancer very young, as well as an aunt that recently passed away from the disease, so I started my mammograms a bit earlier than most.
This mammogram was quite routine, except that a few days later they asked me to come back for another one, as well as an ultrasound. This second visit was more like those shows or movies when you feel someone is about to get very bad news.
People kept staring at the screen with very serious looks but ignoring me. They called in more people, who also stared at the screen and scrunched their foreheads. Then the doctor came, and stayed for about an hour, looking at the screen and not telling me anything. After about three hours, I was told to come back for a biopsy.
The biopsy went quite smoothly, and I was told that the results would be ready in about ten days.
For these ten days, I was mostly sure that it would all be fine, but a part of me felt that perhaps the long life I always assumed I would have could be cut short. Rather than stressing about it, I began to live as if I could die, very very soon.
Here are the things I started doing. Now that I gratefully found out that I am cancer-free, I continue to live this way and it has greatly enhanced my quality of life:
1. Each morning in bed when I first wake up, I take a moment to notice I’m alive.
I take a breath in and feel what is true for me in that moment. Even if I feel heavy, dark, tired, or afraid, I let myself feel that. Then I bring some love and compassion to whatever state I’m in. I feel my body, my breath, and feel a sense of gratitude for just being here, awake, alive.
Next, I envision the day ahead. From the outset, I acknowledge that all the things I wish to do may not get done. I allow room for imperfection.
Lastly, I bring to mind my highest aspiration, to be a calm and peaceful presence, to be of service to others as best I can, to live as best as I am able. Then I get out of bed.
The lesson: Remember that many people went to sleep last night and did not wake up this morning. Today is a gift. Recognizing that each morning gives you a powerful start to the day.
2. I prepare myself for the day as if it was a special occasion.
Before my cancer scare, I used to save my best dresses for parties or holidays. I wore makeup only once in a while. My regular workdays were a matter of pulling on my most comfortable sweater, putting my hair up, and getting out the door.
These days, I wear my best outfits all the time. I invested in some makeup that makes me feel beautiful, and I take the extra five minutes each morning to put it on.
By the time I walk out the door, I feel as if I’m ready to take the world on by storm, welcoming and honoring the day as the profound miracle that it truly is, and each task as an opportunity to bring my best self forward.
The lesson: Imagine you were going to star in a movie today. How would you get ready for the day? Don’t forget that each day, you star in the movie of your life. Make it count!
3. I fully embody today instead of living as if there is some better place ahead I have to get to.
I used to think that what I was doing in any given moment was okay, but there would be a time when it would be just a bit better. Eventually, I’d take on some promotion at work, get in a groove with my business, and really feel that I had made it and my life had some sort of order and permanence to it.
My cancer scare showed me that this time never comes. We have this fantasy of thinking life is about to get started, and then it ends, just like that. The only time we can get started living is in this moment.
I no longer wait for a better time to become more engaged in my work, more loving to my family and friends, more committed to my mindfulness practice. I do it all now, as best I can.
It will never feel orderly or permanent, and I will make many mistakes along the way. But I no longer hold back. A better time will never come, so I choose to jump in 100% today.
The lesson: Are you waiting to reach a particular goal or milestone in order to really start living? What would happen if today, you started living as if you had already gotten there? Ultimately, what we are searching for is the feeling of living our purpose, and we can choose to do this every single day.
4. I think of what I would like people to say about me when I am gone, and live this way.
Sometimes, I look at people who have something “more” than me and wish I had it—a higher position, a better yoga practice, more friends, a relaxed way about them.
While very easily noticing someone who has more than us can make us feel inadequate, in other ways, it can help us define who we want to be today.
Each day, when I contemplate my highest aspiration, I ask myself, what qualities do I want people to remember me by? I think of the people I admire most, and notice that it is not necessarily the highest ranked or the most flexible.
It’s the openness, the kindness, the presence, the joy in being together that I remember. So I find these qualities in myself, and let them shine. As best as I am able.
The lesson: Think about the qualities that you most admire in your best friend, a mentor, guide, or teacher. Can you allow these same qualities to shine within you? We all have within ourselves the potential for greatness. Don’t be afraid to let your own light shine.
5. I take opportunities to notice nature throughout the day.
My highly active mind often leads to me getting somewhere without actually knowing how I got there. I get stuck in planning, organizing, analyzing in my head, and miss the beauty that is present along the way.
My yoga teacher Felicia recently challenged me to notice nature each time it is available. It may be only a small tree in a busy city corner, or a flower in the middle of a row of cubicles. Nature reminds us of the wonder of just being alive, without needing anything else at all.
Now, I take more time to notice the buds in the trees, the squirrels running around, and the dogs that are so happy not to be freezing anymore. They bring a smile to my face and reconnect me with my inherent sense of aliveness and wellbeing.
The lesson: Today, on your walk home from work, take a moment to notice nature. Even if it’s a small tree or the clouds in the sky, focus on this. When your mind wanders to something that happened earlier, or what you will do next, kindly but firmly bring it back to nature. Can you feel how you too are part of this miracle of life?
—
My short encounter with my own mortality reminded me that there is beauty in the ordinary. A life well lived is not necessarily full of glory and admiration, but one of clear intention and authenticity.
Being true to myself and bringing kindness to each moment as best I can empowers me to know that when my last day does come, I will have truly lived.
-
10 Lessons My Mother’s Death Taught Me About Healing and Happiness
“Grief, when it comes, is nothing like we expect it to be.” ~Joan Didion
This spring marked ten years since I lost my mother. One ordinary Thursday, she didn’t show up to work, and my family spent a blur of days frantically hanging missing person fliers, driving all over New England, and hoping against reason for a happy outcome.
My mother was prone to frequent mood swings, but she also talked to my two older brothers and me multiple times a day, and going off the grid was completely out of character. How does someone just vanish? And why?
Forty days is a long time to brood over worst-case scenarios: murder, kidnap, dissociative fugue cycled through my addled mind. I gave in to despair but always managed to buoy myself up with hope. My mom was my best friend, and at twenty years old, I needed her too much to lose her. She simply had to come home.
Six weeks later, my brother called. Right up front he said he loved me—a sure sign bad news was coming. There was no way to say what he had to say next, so he just spat it out like sour milk: our mother’s body had been found.
A diver checking moorings in a cold New England harbor had spotted something white on the ocean floor. That white whale was our mom’s station wagon. She had driven off the end of a pier. We didn’t say the word suicide, but we both thought it, failed to comprehend it.
It’s been ten years since that terrible spring. Much of it still doesn’t make sense to me, but a decade has softened the rawness of my grief and allowed moments of lightness to find their way back into my life, the way sunrise creeps around the edges of a drawn window shade.
Losing someone to suicide makes you certain you’ll never see another sunrise, much less appreciate one. It isn’t true. I’m thirty years old now and my life is bigger, scarier, and more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined. Grief helped get me here.
Grief is not something you can hack. There is no listicle that can reassemble your busted heart. But I have found that grieving can make your life richer in unexpected ways. Here are ten truths the biggest loss of my life has taught me:
1. Dying is really about living.
At my mother’s memorial, I resented everyone who said some version of that old platitude, “Time heals all wounds.” Experience has taught me that time doesn’t offer a linear healing process so much as a slowly shifting perspective.
In the first raw months and years of grieving, I pushed away family and friends, afraid that they would leave too. With time, though, I’ve forged close relationships and learned to trust again. Grief wants you to go it alone, but we need others to light the way through that dark tunnel.
2. No one will fill that void.
I have a mom-shaped hole in my heart. Turns out it’s not a fatal condition, but it is a primal spot that no one will ever fill. For a long time, I worried that with the closest relationship in my life suddenly severed, I would never feel whole again. Who would ever understand me in all the ways my mother did?
These days I have strong female role models in my life, but I harbor no illusions that any of them will take my mom’s place. I’ve slowly been able to let go of the guilt that I was replacing or dishonoring her by making room for others. Healing is not an act of substituting, but of expanding, despite the holes we carry.
3. Be easy on yourself.
In the months after losing my mother, I was clumsy, forgetful and foggy. I can’t recall any of the college classes I took during that time. Part of my grieving process entailed beating myself up for what I could not control, and my brain fog felt like yet another failure.
In time, the fog lifted and my memories returned. I’ve come to see this as my mind going into survival mode with its own coping mechanisms.
Being kind to myself has never been my strong suit, and grief likes to make guilt its sidekick. Meditation, yoga, and journaling are three practices that help remind me that kindness is more powerful than listening to my inner saboteur.
4. Use whatever works.
I’m not a Buddhist, but I find the concept of letting go and not clinging to anything too tightly to be powerful.
I don’t read self-help, but I found solace in Joan Didion’s memoir The Year of Magical Thinking.
I’m not religious, but I found my voice in a campus support group run by a chaplain.
I hadn’t played soccer since I was a kid, but I joined an adult recreational league and found that I could live completely in the moment while chasing a ball around a field.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all grieving method. Much of it comes down to flailing around until you find what works. Death is always unexpected; so too are the ways we heal.
5. Gratitude wins.
We always feel that we lost a loved one too soon. My mom gave me twenty good years. Of course I would’ve liked more time, but self-pity and gratitude are flipsides of the same coin; choosing the latter will serve you in positive ways, while the former gives you absolutely nothing.
6. Choose to thrive.
My mom and I share similar temperaments. After her death, I worried I was also destined for an unhappy outcome. This is one of the many tricks that grief plays: it makes you think you don’t deserve happiness.
It’s easier to self-destruct than it is to practice self-care. I initially coped through alcohol and other destructive methods, but I knew this was only clouding my grieving process. I had to face the pain directly, and write my way through it. So I wrote a book.
Everyone has their own constructive coping mechanisms, and choosing those, even when it’s hard, is worth it in the long run. My mother may not have been able to find happiness in her own life, but I know she would want that for me. No one is going to water you like a plant—you have to choose to thrive.
7. Time heals, but on its own timeline.
“Time heals all wounds” is something I heard a lot at my mother’s memorial service. Here’s what I wish I had known: grief time does not operate like normal time. In the first year, the present was obscured entirely by the past. Grieving demanded that I revisit every detail leading up to losing my mom.
As I slowly started to find effective coping mechanisms, I began to feel more rooted in the present. My mood did not have to be determined by the hurts of the past.
There will always be good days and bad. This is the bargain we sign on for as humans. Once we make it through the worst days, we gain a heightened sense of appreciation for the small moments of joy to be found in normal days. Healing comes over time, but only if we’re willing to do the work of grieving.
8. Let your loss highlight your gains.
I’ve lived in New York City for eight years now, but it still shocks me that I’ve built a life that I love here. It’s a gift I attribute to my mom. She was always supportive of my stubborn desire to pursue a career as a writer. After she died, the only thing that made sense to me was to write about the experience.
This led me to grad school in New York, a place I had never even considered living before. It feels like home now. I wish I could share it with my mom, but it was her belief in me that got me here. I lost my mom, but I found a home, good friends, a career I love and the perspective to appreciate it all.
9. Heartbreak is a sign of progress.
In the first years after the big loss, I assumed romance was dead to me. Why would I allow someone else to break my heart? Luckily I got past this fear to the point where I was able to experience a long and loving relationship.
That relationship eventually imploded, but I did not, which strikes me as a sign of progress. Grief makes us better equipped to weather the other life losses that are sure to come. This is not pessimism. This is optimism that the rewards of love always trump its risks.
10. Grief makes us beginners.
Death is the only universal, and grieving makes beginners out of all of us. Yet grief affects us all in different ways. There is no instruction manual on how best to cope.
There is only time, day by day and sometimes minute by minute, to feel what works, and to cast aside what does not. In the ten years I’ve learned to live without my mother, I’ve tried to see my grieving process as an evolutionary one. Loss has enriched my life in challenging, unexpected, and maybe even beautiful ways.
-
5 Reasons to Embrace Alone Time & Take Yourself on an Artist Date
“It is only in solitude that I ever find my own core.” ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
When was the last time you took yourself on a date?
Not just you and a friend, or you and your partner, or you and your kid(s). Just you, yourself, and you.
I’m not talking about staying home with a good book, or taking a bubble bath (though I’m a huge fan of bubble baths), or watching a movie by yourself on your couch.
I’m talking about venturing into the world alone to do something fun and outside of your ordinary routine—something that supplies fresh new sensory inputs to the creative well that resides in your right brain, with nobody else’s opinion coloring your own.
Whether you think you’re an artist or not, Artist Dates will enrich you.
I was a left-brained international economist when I first heard the term “Artist Date” about twenty years ago.
I had won a door prize at a networking event that included a free session with a life coach (still a nascent industry at the time—I had never even heard the term before). After a few exercises to hone in on my heart’s true passion, the coach recommended I read Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity.
Though I didn’t identify myself as either artistic or spiritual at the time, I liked the idea of carving out a tiny bit of space for myself. My days were stretched thin between work demands, two young sons, and managing the care of my grandmother. I hired a babysitter and gave Artist Dates a try.
Just as Julia Cameron had promised, I returned home from my solo excursions inspired, rejuvenated, and with a multitude of new ideas, none of which had anything to do with economics.
“Art’s not really my thing,” you might be thinking to yourself.
Here’s the cool part: Artist Dates don’t have to involve “art” in the traditional sense. Their purpose is to simply spark delight, engage your senses, and move you out of your left brain analytical thinking for a while.
Walking through a stream in bare feet, enjoying a good meal at a new restaurant—really taking in the aroma, textures, and tastes—or trying out the new swing set in the park down the road are all excellent Artist Dates.
Because even if you don’t think of yourself as an “artist,” creativity serves every aspect of our lives and problem-solving capabilities at home, in relationships, and at work. Artist Dates nurture your inner creative child.
No, you’re not a loser if you go out alone…
When friends and family asked what I was doing on my birthday this year, I said, “I’m taking myself to an art museum exhibit.” (Yes, I actually do find art museums fun.)
The response was unanimous: “By yourself?”
Yes. By myself.
I could feel them squirming in discomfort on the other end of the phone line. You can practically hear what’s going on inside their heads:
“That’s sad! Doesn’t she have any friends to take her out on her birthday? What about her husband?”
Sure I do. And for the record, my husband rocks at birthdays.
But the person I wanted to celebrate my birthday with this year was my true self. I wanted to give myself the space to process and express her own impressions of the world without interruption. I didn’t want the responsibility of making anyone else happy that day other than myself, who has gotten me through a lot in this life.
But being alone with her took some practice.
Don’t listen to that other voice that tries to talk you out of your Artist Date…
OK, so you’ve decided to take yourself on an Artist Date. Be prepared. Your ego—the source of that internal critic—will try to talk you out of it.
You can surely find something more important to do.
You’re a bad mother/father if you leave you kid(s) at home and do something fun.
Stop being silly. You’re not an artist, or even creative. Time is money. Stop wasting it.
Look your ego in the eye and respond firmly: “BE QUIET. YOU ARE NOT IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT.”
Even after you’ve managed to get yourself out the door and to your intended destination, the voice won’t stop.
People are looking at you.
You must look lonely and sad, pathetic really.
What if you bump into someone you know? They might tell the neighbors or office mates that they found you wandering around alone. What will that do to your reputation?
On the rare chance that you do actually bump into someone you know, they might ask you to join them because they feel sorry for you. Decline politely, in a nicer tone than you might have to use with your ego. Egos don’t back down very easily.
5 Reasons the Effort of an Artist Date Is Worth It
1. We rarely have space in our lives to hear our deepest responses to new experiences.
Our opinion is often colored by another’s reaction. If we like a sculpture or a movie, we hope our friend likes it too. If they don’t like it, our own enjoyment may be diluted.
Don’t get me wrong—sharing different viewpoints is healthy. But every once in a while it’s good to give your full, unfiltered attention to how you are processing the world.
2. Research has proven that multitasking is a myth.
Our brains can’t think about more than one thing at a time, but rather move back and forth quickly between tasks.
To fully experience a new input—whether through studying the details of a painting, feeling the physical sensations of wind and water walking on the beach, or listening to a great piece of music—we need time to ourselves. We are pulled out of the sensory experience each time we have to talk to someone or even think about their response.
3. Artist Dates reconnect us with our right brain, the non-analytic, non-judgmental source of our creativity and “outside of the box” problem-solving capability.
Any activity that activates our fives senses engages our right brain. In a world that’s constantly judging, comparing, and critiquing (all the domain of the left brain), Artist Dates bring more balance to all of us.
4. Staying connected to our right brain is key to inner peace.
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, after experiencing a stroke that completely shut down her left brain hemisphere, describes our right hemisphere consciousness as “completely committed to the expression of peace, love, joy, and compassion in the world.” She should know, since she lived there for quite a while when her left brain was healing.
5. Learning to be comfortable in our own company is a skill that takes practice.
The earlier you start, the more prepared you’ll be if your life path leads to some alone time.
So go on! Put an Artist Date on your calendar. Practice spending time with yourself now, and you’ll never be dependent on someone else for your own happiness again.
-
The Art of Being Happily Single
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos
Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.
I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy breakup.
So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.
I’m thirty-one and single!
Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?
Now what? Where to start?
I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:
“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
Yes, I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.
But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?
So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only thirty-one-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.
In my research, I learned some important truths about being single: (more…)
-
100 Reasons to be Grateful Today
“Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy.” ~Fred De Witt Van Amburgh
I began my gratitude practice at a time when I desperately needed help seeing the good in my life.
Several failed relationships and a broken heart had left me blind to the incredible gifts the Universe had given me, and I was rutted in depression for three years. I couldn’t seem to focus on anything besides what I had lost. Happiness seemed like a cosmic joke.
The more I focused on what I wasn’t grateful for, like the love I had lost, the less I focused on doing the things I loved.
Depression is common, and it happens to many of us at some point. But the longer I chose to wallow in it, the more impossible happiness seemed. After my third year of depression I seriously considered whether life was even worth living.
Then I came across Zig Ziglar’s empowering audiobook A View From the Top.
I learned from Zig how giving to others can help us foster a deep sense of happiness, and how gratitude is the missing ingredient to most people’s success.
Immediately, I began a gratitude practice, focusing on the important people in my life and the many gifts I had to share with others.
It was a tough transition because there was so much negative momentum to reverse. Habits are like roads—the more you travel them, the easier they are to follow. But I stayed disciplined with my new habit and chose grateful thoughts even when I felt hopeless.
Within two years my gratitude practice turned into a lifestyle, and today I’m enjoying the fruits.
I make a living doing what I love as a writer, and I make a difference in the lives of thousands of people through my work—all because I shifted my focus from what I lacked to what I had.
The amazing thing is that no matter how much or little I think I have, I always have more! And gratitude helps me see it.
If you’ve felt gypped by the Universe, here are 100 reasons to be grateful today.
1. The breath in your lungs
2. Your hard-working heart
3. The food that fuels your experience
4. The ever-present opportunity to make better decisions than your last
5. Your brain and memory that allow you to learn from mistakes
6. The freedom to make unlimited mistakes on your road to self-improvement
7. The endless supply of wisdom people and books provide
8. The natural talents you were born to share
9. The challenges that allow you to grow
10. The accomplishments that have improved your life
11. The mother and father who gave you life
12. The Internet
13. Humor
14. Sweet doggy friends, or cats, if you’re that kind of person
15. Warm sun on your skin
16. The beauty and life in nature
17. The senses that allow you to experience beauty
18. Clean drinking water
19. Health in any amount
20. The arms, legs, feet, and hands that give you freedom of movement
21. The favorite song that keeps you going when you feel like giving up
22. The artists who struggle to create beauty for others
23. The gift of language
24. The ability to read
25. The ability to learn from the mistakes and achievements of others
26. The help that is always there when you ask for it
27. The roof over your head
28. Piercing stars in a clear night sky
29. The inspiration that sweeps you out of your comfort zone
30. The people who’ve dedicated their lives to inspiring others
31. The kids who remind you to be playful and adventurous
32. The ability to connect with family and friends anywhere in the world (Skype)
33. Carrots (If you don’t know about carrots, click this link)
34. Family farms that are committed to providing organic and sustainable foods
35. The fresh start you’re given every day
36. Rain
37. Hope
38. The pain that reminds you of the need to change
39. Our dreams
40. The people who pray for you every day, without you realizing it
41. The hard times that made you who you are
42. Automatic rice cookers, refrigerators, air conditioning, and every little convenience that saves you time
43. Bare feet on grass
44. All the organisms in the soil that support life on earth
45. Electricity
46. All of the amazing teachers who helped you reach your potential
47. Each failure that led to your achievements, and everyone who encouraged you to keep going
48. The “haters” who helped you build resilience by saying, “No, you can’t!”
49. The fact that every bit of food you need to be happy and healthy is just a short drive away
50. The garbage men who keep streets clean
51. The random smile that got you through your last impossible day
52. That one cashier who you can always count on to brighten your day
53. Photosynthesis, and the fact that nature’s beauty works to keep you alive
54. The one friend you’ve been able to count on through every stage in your life—even if that friend is you
55. The new friends you’ve yet to meet, and the amazing times you haven’t yet experienced
56. Your favorite spot to recharge when you’re overwhelmed
57. Sunsets that make the sky explode with incandescent pinks, peaches, purples, oranges, and golds
58. Your education
59. Every single one of the trillions of cells in your body that work hard so that you can experience life
60. That one mule of a person who challenges you to be kind when it’s most difficult
61. Grandmas and Grandpas who helped make childhood so special
62. The special people who filled spots where parents or grandparents were missing
63. Bananas and peanut butter (or your favorite treat)
64. Fresh baked baguettes that are crispy on the outside and chewy on the inside (and other delicious food)
65. The spiritual growth you’ve accomplished (give yourself some credit!)
66. The renewal of spring
67. The relaxing sound of trickling water
68. Gardens with fresh herbs, even if they’re just on your window sill
69. YouTube, for whenever you need to troubleshoot your car or computer, and especially when you need a laugh.
70. All the quotes that inspire you
71. Good cheese, and underrated philosophers
72. The doors that closed on opportunities you wanted but didn’t need
73. The windows that opened when you almost gave up hope
74. All the serendipitous occasions that remind you never to lose faith
75. Everything coconut-related: oil, water, ice cream, flour, cream pie, etc.
76. The hardships that transform us into more capable, understanding, giving, and forgiving people
77. The impossible, for inspiring us to expand our limits
78. The hot showers that completely change your perspective on life
79. Gluten-free bread that doesn’t suck
80. Hearing good news
81. Making good news for others to hear
82. The little depressions that remind you to fight hard for happiness
83. The anxiety that reminds you to feel your emotions so you can learn from them and let them go
84. The fact that you are unconditionally loved and accepted
85. A really good cry
86. Sex
87. New life
88. Beautiful men and women (look in the mirror)
89. The rituals that give security and meaning to daily life
90. Your favorite things
91. The ridiculous people you can always count on for a belly laugh
92. Little touches from people you love that make everything okay
93. Little munchkins who you can never be with quite enough
94. The good examples who’ve inspired you to be your best
95. The bad examples who illuminated the paths you shouldn’t take
96. The movies, music, art, celebrations, and people that remind you just how good it is to be human
97. The you from yesterday you get to compete with today
98. Refreshing walks that calm your mind and ease your spirit
99. The ability to change your whole life with one good decision
100. The option to be grateful no matter where you are or what you’re experiencing
—
Gratitude is the most important choice in your day—and you can find things to be grateful for everywhere if you look hard enough. If you liked this list, try making your own at the end of each week and put it in a gratitude journal. Your life will effloresce, I promise.
-
Is Your Life Really as Perfect as It Looks on Facebook?
“Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.” ~George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
So would most women.
This is the way we have encountered life so far. Better to show the world just the socially acceptable and shove the rest under the rug. That’s where the hard truths go.
But we all know the trouble with the rug. Stuff builds up under the rug and eventually you land on your face. Hard truths don’t go away.
Social media is exacerbating the historical tendency to present only the pretty, so we’re justifiably, and understandably, really scared about putting the hard truth out there.
Naturally, we don’t post that our relationship is in trouble, or that we’re going to lose our business, or that we have a physical illness, or some deep emotional stuff that we’re working through, or that we’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, or depression, or have an addiction.
If we did, it might bring a whole slew of support, but it’s also a high-risk maneuver.
I saw a meme the other day that read, “May your life be as amazing as you pretend it is on Facebook.”
It made me laugh out loud. And I’m as guilty as anyone.
I’m a big advocate of transparency and vulnerability. I’ve written publicly about my eating disorder, as well as depression and anxiety. Those were big.
But you are unlikely to see me online yelling at my kids, crying after I’ve argued with my husband, or first thing in the morning, pre-caffeine and make-up.
Recently, on Facebook, I posted a playhouse that I’d sanded it down and re-painted for my kids. I felt pretty damn pleased with myself.
Here’s what I didn’t post.
I actively encouraged my four-year-old to watch TV for a lot of the day while I painted.
The next day my husband yelled at my six-year-old for turning on the electric sander without supervision. She cried. I was annoyed with him for watching rugby and not helping me, even though I didn’t really even want his help. I wanted to take credit for doing it all myself, and I did.
This is hardly egregious behavior. It’s not super high on the shame scale. But still, I just posted the happy ending. My two girls standing by the white picket fence smiling.
Actually, it’s a grey picket fence, and I think that’s a great metaphor. Because our lives are never black and white. A lot of life is grey.
Having a crappy day (or week or month or year), getting the odd bit of road rage, feeling bitter and twisted toward our co-workers, worrying about our appearance, feeling overwhelmed and rushed, disliking the behavior of our children, getting sick—that’s grey.
We’re ashamed of the grey because we think it is unacceptable.
But the more unacceptable thing is to choose not to acknowledge it, and to pretend we’re not human. Because clearly we are.
Part of being human is smiling kids, cute playhouses, and happy families. A big part. A beautiful part.
But it’s not all of it.
By ignoring what we perceive as not so beautiful, we do ourselves a disservice. We do our fellow humans a disservice. Because we are not telling the hard truth.
But the reason we are not telling the hard truth is because it is hard. It feels way too vulnerable.
We’ve all felt the pain of judgment, whether from ourselves, or from others. It’s a hard thing to recover from.
It brings up shame, and nothing keeps you quiet like shame. Shame ensures we take the safe option. Picnics with our kids, holidays, sunshine, and happy faces.
And you know what? This is okay. In the meantime.
I don’t believe in feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Fear, like any other emotion, has something to tell us. Fear believes it is trying to protect us. So I believe in feeling my fear, acknowledging my fear, honoring my fear for what it’s trying to protect me from, and then letting it know that I’m doing it anyway.
I wonder, can we honor our fear and allow it to help us be more vulnerable, and more real? To help us show up more? Little by little?
Can we recognize our shame and our denial, too, and thank them for their role? Can we listen and learn so we can move on?
Shame, denial, and fear are like misunderstood bad boys. They’ve put up a wall. They are trying to protect you from judgment, because they know how much it hurts.
Shame will tell you that you can never let anyone know, because whatever it is doesn’t measure up.
Denial will tell you that if you don’t engage with the hard truth, it can’t hurt you.
Fear will tell you that courage is a lofty goal you probably can’t reach.
Like with bad boys, you know in your heart that it’s not healthy to stay in the relationship. You’ve got to learn from the relationship and find a way to leave as gracefully as possible.
When I experienced depression and anxiety, I had a close relationship with all of them.
I wanted to believe there was no problem. If there was a problem I could explain it away with something else.
I wanted to believe that if I just tried harder, these symptoms would go away. And try I did.
I wanted to be courageous, but I couldn’t.
I wasn’t ready to leave denial, and this resulted in a very difficult few years—for me, for my husband, and for my babies.
When I did leave, I found a way to sort through the grey. Shame and fear were still frequent visitors. They needed time to let go.
We all needed time to integrate. And this was okay. Not at the time so much, but in hindsight.
Here is some of what I’ve learned about shame, denial, fear, and courage that I hope will help you:
1. There was actually nothing wrong with me.
Shame, fear, and denial stepped in because I thought there was. But there wasn’t.
2. What was wrong was that I was basing my perception of myself on society’s perception of me.
I was caught up in people-pleasing and perfectionism and trying to be someone I wasn’t. I had no idea how to handle my emotions, and no idea how my thoughts about myself and my emotions corresponded. This resulted in a long trip down to the bottom of the barrel, and a steady climb back up.
3. There is something wrong with society’s perception of mental health issues.
We change that one by one, by individuals understanding that society’s perception is the problem, and allowing ourselves to be honest about that. That is the truth, but it’s still a vulnerable statement, and becoming vulnerable is a journey.
4. There is something wrong with continuing to seek the white picket fence and ignoring the grey in life.
It’s not serving us well. We change that too by working toward transparency. Transparency is also vulnerable, and for me has been a work in progress.
5. When we recognize that everyone has some kind of issue (it’s not just you), we gain courage.
And trust me on this. Everyone has issues. Kind of like everyone has a belly button. When you come into this world, you get both.
—
Opening up and being transparent, whether to family or friends or online, is risking engaging with shame, denial, and fear. It’s risking deafening silence or unhelpful comments.
It’s not always going to feel safe. It’s not always going to be safe. You should feel no pressure to do it if you haven’t had a chance to work through the stuff that you need to work through.
But it is something to work toward, little by little. Because grey is a very pretty color, really. And the truth, although hard, is still the truth.
And only the truth will bring us closer to love.
-
The Good News About Feeling Bad (And How to Get Through It)
“To honor and accept one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It’s whole-making and thus holy and the most important experience of a lifetime.” ~Robert Johnson
There’s nothing worse than having a bad day (or week or years…)
Or when emotions take over and carry us away.
Or when our relationships bring challenges.
Or when we endure great loss.
Or when we wish that just once when things started getting good, they stayed that way.
But difficult times are really offerings that show us what no longer serves us. And once they’re cleared, they no longer have power over us.
No one, including myself, wants to feel bad. After decades of trying to overcome depression and anxiety, one day, I finally stopped trying to fix myself. I then came to the amazing realization that there’s really no problem with me.
This is what set me free:
Several years ago, my parents both died of cancer, I had many miscarriages, my husband and I divorced, and my dog of sixteen years had to be put down.
It was intensely difficult, and I fell apart. I hardly recognized myself. At the same time, even in my darkest hour, I knew in my gut that I would somehow get through it.
In the midst of my mid-life crises, wondering when and how I would get over the debilitating, soul-crushing loss, I trusted myself not completely, but enough.
During that time, I made a new friend whose father had recently passed. I invited him over for a bowl of my famous Italian chicken sausage lentil soup.
He was angry and confused. He was in shock. I picked up my soup in the palms of my hands and said to him, “Grief is a big bowl to hold.”
At any given time, without knowing why or how, grief can overcome us in a number of aching expressions.
We get super pissed off. Or we want to hide. Or we push away those we love, and wall off. We want to numb the pain. Or cover it up.
Seemingly insignificant annoyances trigger us. Perhaps a token, memory, or random happenstance wells us up.
We all mourn in different ways, wanting more than anything for it all to end. And we sometimes pretend that it’s over when it’s not.
Someone once told me that there is grief and frozen grief.
Frozen grief is grief that got stuck like water passing from a liquid to a solid state—a cohesion of molecules holding together, resisting separation. Like a Coke in a freezer, it can burst.
Warmth and equilibrium are what’s needed to nurture it. But there’s not a single temperature that can be considered to be the melting point of water.
I read once that after suffering a great loss, it takes two years to heal—or at least have a sense that the trauma is now of the past, even if not “over.”
At two years, I was doing better but I still wasn’t great. I worried then I was frozen.
Cheryl Strayed wrote in Brave Enough:
“When you recognize that you will thrive not in spite of your losses and sorrows, but because of them, that you would not have chosen the things that happen in your life, but you are grateful for them, that you will hold the empty bowls eternally in your hands, but you also have the capacity to fill them? The word for that is healing.”
Cheryl Strayed knew about the bowl too.
It took four years, and then one day, I saw the clouds disperse and the sun rise. I was frustrated it wasn’t two. It was four. But that’s how long it took me.
In the grand scheme of things I can look back now and see all that I learned and how I grew. In my most broken hideous moments the most magical thing happened.
I came to love my big, beautiful, messy self. I came to accept her like nothing else.
As much as I missed my mother and father, the husband I loved, the babies I didn’t have, and the dog that replaced them, I came to a place of loving myself like my own parent, my own spouse, and my own child.
I was all that was left. And if that was it, then by God I was going to love her.
And what did loving myself really mean?
It meant accepting myself enough to allow myself to be a mess.
To not apologize 100 times for every single mistake, or kill myself over them.
To humbly say to others and myself, this is it.
And then, somehow, I started to accept others like myself. They got to be messes too. And my heart opened. And I could love again. And I let love into my big, beautiful bowl of lentil soup.
Here are some tools to help you love yourself as you feel all that you’re feeling—the good and the bad.
1. Accept feelings without judgment.
Use this question:
What if it didn’t matter if I felt ________ or not?
Then, fill in the blank with whatever you’re judging yourself for. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is.
Let it be, without doing anything with it or trying to make sense of it, while holding a loving container for yourself and the people around it.
2. When an emotion is carrying you away, identify the feeling by narrowing it down to one of these:
- Anger
- Fear
- Sadness/Grief
- Joy/Loving
Our feelings are layered. Underneath anger is fear, under fear is sadness, and under sadness is our heart, where our joy and loving lies.
This formula can guide you in uncovering each of your emotional experiences to come to your heart more quickly.
For example, after my mother died I was angry. I didn’t know why I felt so angry until I cleared through the layers.
I discovered I was mad that she left me. But the anger wouldn’t have subsided until I identified the fear underneath it: I was terrified of living life without my mom, and I was shutting down my vulnerable feelings to protect myself.
Of course, under the fear was tremendous sadness that she was gone. In order to heal, I needed to feel the tears rather than suppress them with anger and fear.
Once I could touch the tender, fragile parts inside, my tears had permission to flow out whenever necessary.
When my tears emptied, the sadness lifted and was replaced with enormous love, compassion, and gratitude for my mom. When I thought about her it didn’t come with pain anymore. I think of her now only with happiness and joy.
3. Realize that spirals both descend and ascend.
When we hit a particularly difficult downward spiral, we have the opportunity to focus on raising our frequency.
In these times, I meditate more. I choose not to fuel the negativity by talking too much about it with friends. I clean up my diet. I go to yoga—whatever I can do to make a positive adjustment toward self-loving and self-care.
I find something to ground me. It could be as easy as taking the garbage out (literally!), jumping into a creative project that fulfills me, or taking a walk in the sunshine—anything to find the scent of the roses.
4. Know that after good experiences, “bad” things will happen.
After expansion, we always contract. And that means nothing about us.
Life brings us lemons so that we can discover how to go deeper and closer to our true selves. Once we’ve hit one level, there’s always another.
We can have some good days where everything is great, and then WHOA, something steps in that challenges us to grow.
I’ve come to accept that I will eventually lose momentum after being in the flow.
The good news about feeling bad is that when we get thrown off course, each letdown strengthens our spirit when we find our way out.
“Downtimes” are our ally. Without “bad,” “good” wouldn’t exist, and just like life, we learn to roll with it. What’s most important is how we acknowledge and validate our being human as truly enough.
-
21 Easy Ways to Create a Calm Mind (Without Meditating)
“Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy great inner peace.” ~Remez Sasson
While juggling a full-time job and my writing, I found it easy to lose track of the days. Weekends ceased to exist, and my life ebbed and flowed between working and writing, the two constantly blurring into one another.
I dragged myself from day to day without a moment’s rest in between. When I did rest, I’d feel guilty for taking a break from working on my dreams, and it didn’t take long for the guilt to turn into frustration.
I wondered whether I’d ever reach my dream of writing full-time, if and when it would ever come.
I intended on using every free moment I had from my job to write, without realizing the true consequences of what I was doing. And by constantly pushing myself forward, I never gave my mind the space it needed to shape and form my thoughts; I never allowed myself to simply be, which resulted in all kinds of mental blocks and frustrations that met my writing progress head-on.
I was on my way to burnout, and fast, and I knew I needed to make a change. So I turned to meditation. It helped me become more mindful throughout the day and approach my writing from a new angle of clarity.
As I began to incorporate mindfulness into my daily routine, I found it easier to give myself permission to relax and unwind from the pressures of my day job, rather than simply filling every moment with something more to do.
Mindfulness Goes Beyond Meditation
While meditation can help you become more attuned with your mind, you already possess all the tools you need to reap the benefits of a quiet, calm mind.
By simply tuning into the small things in life, you can work your way towards a greater happiness and fulfillment in your own life. Here are twenty-one ways you can boost the quality of your mind without meditating.
1. Create a mindfulness mantra.
As Eckhart Tolle says, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” Every morning I remind myself that my new life starts today, which helps me step into the now and connect more deeply with the present moment and separate myself from the worries of my mind.
2. Remind yourself you’re not your thoughts.
Whenever a negative thought occurs in your mind, simply identify it as a “thought” or “feeling” and move on. You’re not scorn or regret, and you’re not self-doubt or anger. You’re separate from your thoughts, and they’re separate from you, so why dwell on them?
3. Accept that thoughts arise naturally.
And if you can’t change them, then why bother trying to replace them with different and “better” thoughts? Don’t beat yourself up over something you can’t control, but don’t ignore them either; simply move past them and choose not to identify with them, even as they cloud your mind.
4. Breathe.
Take a long breath through your nose and breathe it out through your mouth. This can help to calm you and remind you that your thoughts are a small part of the infinitely vast world around you.
5. Thank someone in any way you can.
Even the small act of saying “thanks” to a cashier can reconnect us with the present moment, and it can also prevent us from becoming stuck in our own thoughts, which block us from enjoying life as it comes.
6. Smile at a stranger.
Smiling helps focus our attention outward to the people around us, and by reconnecting with this gratitude for others, we can connect more deeply to the present moment and remind ourselves to simply be.
7. Go for a nature walk.
Go for a walk and fade into the environment around you, and listen for sounds you’d otherwise have missed.
8. Keep a daily gratitude habit.
Keeping a gratitude journal helps pull us away from the stress of the day. It also forces us to appreciate life as it comes and find the good in every day.
9. Leave your phone on silent all day.
You can also turn off your phone’s notifications, as these can be distracting and pull you away from the present moment. Your messages will still be waiting for you there later when you’re ready to go through them.
Turning your ringer off can also stop each disruption from clogging your mind and blocking you from the peace of mind you could be having throughout the day.
10. Eat slowly.
Focusing on the texture and the taste of what you eat can help remind you that while all feelings are temporary, it’s important to truly experience the moments as they come, rather than letting them pass you by.
11. Drink tea.
Tea can help calm your nerves and slow down your thoughts and connect you more to the present moment.
12. Take a bath.
Baths can help you relax by forcing you to take a step back from the bustle of the day, and they can be a great way to let your worries fall away as they fade into the heat of the water.
13. Listen to instrumental music.
It’s proven to boost your ability to focus, which can raise your quality of mind and help you relax when your thoughts won’t stop coming.
14. Tackle one of the most stressful things on your to-do list.
While it’s important to be mindful despite the demands of your day, don’t avoid completing a stressful task on your list if it’s giving you unneeded anxiety. If you need to finish your taxes, for example, but keep putting them off, then it might be useful to complete them to get rid of the stressful thoughts that come from procrastinating.
15. Have a deep conversation with somebody you know.
Fully focus on the other person and listen to what they have to say. By not simply waiting to say our piece, we can help pull ourselves out of our own heads and connect more deeply to the moment by showing appreciation to the people we talk with.
16. Watch your favorite show.
It’s important to take time out of our day to reward ourselves, and indulging in a simple pleasure like watching a show we like can help us step away from our worries and enjoy our free moments from the bustle of life.
17. Write a haiku or any restrictive poem.
This can challenge you to be creative in ways that free-form writing can’t do, and can help you recapture a moment in your life that was pleasant but fleeting.
18. Do a word puzzle.
Crosswords can help your mind be creative and can boost your intelligence, as well as the overall clarity of your thoughts. They can also provide a break from your daily routines, all while being fun to complete.
19. Do the dishes.
Doing the dishes can be a great way to take a break from life, and also be productive while you’re at it. Cleaning dishes can help you feel great, and it pulls you away from your current thoughts, which, in turn, can give your mind permission to relax and recharge from the stress of the day.
20. Stare at a piece of art you love.
Whether it’s the Mona Lisa, a poem you like, or a drawing that your spouse made, nothing is off the table here. Art is subjective, and it can help you feel and fully embody the moment by showing your appreciation for the work of others. (Just don’t think about why you like something, as that’s not important here).
21. Pet a dog or cat.
Feel the fur beneath your hands and the softness of their skin. Petting an animal can help release our tensions and connect us to the moment, and can pull us away from our thoughts.
Sometimes we’re so busy focusing on ourselves that we forget to enjoy the moments as they come. We become trapped in the confines of the day-to-day and the span of our own goals, and we forget to enjoy the beauty of life and the little things.
Being more mindful helped remind me that all good things come with time, and there’s no sense in working so hard if you don’t enjoy life as it comes. It helped me escape the pressures of my job and embrace my writing without allowing it to consume my life, and it helped remind me to enjoy life again by tapping into the power of the present moment.
We All Have Time To Be Mindful
Mindfulness doesn’t have to be time-consuming or all-encompassing. You can easily use any of these techniques throughout your day to calm your mind and keep yourself fixed in the present moment and free from your worries.
Just don’t forget to stop once in a while and breathe it all in.
