Tag: wisdom
-
How To Take Your Life Back From People Who Ask for Too Much
“It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority.” ~Mandy Hale
It sucks, doesn’t it?
People who ask too much of you?
People who steal your time and drain your energy.
Who just keep on attacking your natural defenses, abusing your loyalty and exploiting your love.
You want to stop giving, to say no! But frustratingly, when you try to pull away, they say or imply that you’re the selfish one.
And in some cases it’s unwanted or impractical to distance yourself from that person, especially if they’re a family member or even a partner.
But if you do give in to the barrage of persistent requests, the cumulative effect can be devastating to your emotional and physical well-being.
I know from personal experience.
A Lost Life
Oh dear, life turned out not so great for my mum, bless her. The more her life came unglued, the more she retreated into a space she felt comfortable in. With each setback, she stepped further back, refusing to take action, to accept responsibility.
It became noticeable when she stopped driving. Nothing had happened, no accident or near miss to cause anxiety, but driving meant she could accomplish tasks that needed doing, and that meant taking responsibility.
From an early age any errands beyond the village fell to me. Soon that became errands in the village—going to the bank or getting the washing machine repaired, and soon, more and more tasks in the house.
With every errand I ran, there were another two waiting.
Even back then I could see Mum was looking for attention. She fell into being needy to be assured that she was loved. But no matter how often I told her I loved her, those words weren’t enough.
When I left for university, it was to the closest campus to Mum, not to the best one for my future. And when I had to move further away from home to find work, the flood of requests never lessened. Moving out had felt callous enough, so I put up with the four-hour journey back and forth to home every few days without a word.
My life was dealing with hers, from my late teens to early thirties. And I took it on, willingly out of love but also unwittingly out of ignorance.
Hindsight really is a wonderful gift. After Mum passed away I looked back over so many years and saw that neither of us had lived our lives at all.
I wish I’d had the courage to explain to her that me doing all that she asked wasn’t filling any holes in her life. That I was missing out on living mine, yet it was solving nothing in hers. That way we both could have blossomed.
That is the most painful lesson I think I will ever learn.
But oh boy, I now recognize when someone is asking for too much. I still understand that constant or unreasonable demands are borne of the other person’s struggles. But I’ve mastered the tenets of a healthy relationship—reasonable limits and mutual respect. Without those two things, it’s unhealthy, detrimental, even damaging.
But saying no isn’t usually our happy place.
Maybe you’ve tried to be assertive and drew back because it felt uncomfortable, unfamiliar.
Take heart, you can seize your life back, and in many cases without confrontation.
And even in cases where a little confrontation is unavoidable, maybe with a family member, there are ways to not freak out so you still have somewhere to go for the holidays.
8 Ways To Take Your Life Back
1. Make peace with them.
When someone demands too much, it’s often a result of the fierceness of their own personal battles. If you try to put yourself in their shoes, in their head, sometimes you can reach an understanding that means your needs are still met and at the same time you feel that you’re not being selfish.
Your elderly mother or granny may keep asking you to run errands for her, and it might seem that many of them are unnecessary or she could do them herself. But she may just be lonely and seeking company.
If you can only find out what it is that’s eating her up inside, you may find a way to make peace with her and manage those demands sympathetically by offering a real solution, such as accompanying her to join a local friendship group… once or twice.
2. Identify the threat.
If someone tries to commandeer way too much of your time or energy in one go, then it’s easy to spot. However, they can also encroach upon your physical and mental resources little by little, almost imperceptibly.
When they make a request, even a seemingly small one, pause before replying. Ask yourself, “If I say ‘yes’ to this, where might it lead in the future?” It’s always easier to say no to the first request than later on, when people have come to expect you to say yes routinely.
If I’d been alert to Mum handing over tasks she could easily do, I could have helped support her in finding a way back into normal life without losing mine.
3. Set up an early warning system.
Identify your needs first. Work out which personal resources are critical to you achieving your physical and mental goals. Once you understand these, you can spot early on if someone is bombarding you with demands that will leave you low on reserves for your own life.
If you have worked out you need an hour to yourself each day to recuperate, then if someone asks you to commit to something that would eat into that essential you-time, you can politely but firmly say “I’m sorry, but that’s my only time in the day to recharge, I’m sure you understand.”
4. Secure your perimeter.
Set up a mental and, if needed, physical barrier to attacks on your personal resources. If they cannot reach you, they can’t invade your life.
Choose a separate ringtone for those demanding calls you need to leave unanswered. Put a sign on your bedroom or den door not to be disturbed. At work, be less available for unreasonable demands by leaving the building at lunchtime. For online intrusions, use social media blocking if you need to.
Always being available not only makes it harder for you to say no, it gives exactly the wrong message to those making demands. Always being there actually says “Pick me, I’m right here waiting.”
5. Think strategically.
Learn to evaluate all requests. Think about the consequences down the road if you keep giving of your time, energy, and emotion. Are you getting anything back or is it just a one sided-game of take and take again? Not all requests need to be give and take, but on balance if you find yourself always giving and rarely, if ever, receiving, then it’s time to say no.
In trying to help Mum, I gave her so much time and energy that she came to see it as expected. And finally she became reliant on me being available. If I’d looked ahead and set some limits, we both could have kept out independence and still enjoyed our relationship.
6. Find your allies.
If someone is forever expecting you to do their bidding, then it’s likely they are behaving this way to others you know, maybe family, friends, or co-workers. Get together and come up with a joint strategy for dealing with them and their persistent demands.
By delivering a joint and consistent message, you will help the person making demands to see their behavior is universally unacceptable. You can also draw strength and comfort from united allies.
Remember that though allies are helpful, they are far from essential. You can still communicate your own strong stance by choosing to confront an over-demanding person on your own. Just remember, be firm, be you.
7. Stand your ground.
Sometimes the only answer with people who are greedy for as much of you as they can grab is to face them head on and say no. Learning to stand up for yourself and refuse to bend to their will is essential to your self-esteem and self-preservation. There are many ways to say no without offending, although some people will take offense no matter what, so stand firm.
Refuse to meet unreasonable demands by being honest but kind. However uncomfortable it might feel, you’ll walk away knowing you let them down gently and held onto your self-respect.
8. Outmaneuver them.
If someone persistently lays claim to your time, energy, and emotion, then try reversing the flow. Ask them for as much or more than they are asking of you. This makes it harder for them to justify their requests if they are not reciprocating in equal measure.
If they are constantly asking you to run errands for them, ask them to run one for you. If they can’t for some reason, then request something that will take up an equal amount of their time. If they refuse, then ask, “But isn’t this the kind of thing you are asking me to do all the time? Do you think maybe it’s a little one-sided?”
Again ask the question politely, quietly and in your own words. The idea is not to antagonize them, but to get them to look at their own behavior towards you. And of course, remember to give your elderly granny a little leeway!
It’s Your Life—Take It Back
Giving up your life for anyone isn’t noble unless they are incapacitated. It isn’t healthy. It absolutely isn’t necessary.
Being the go-to person makes you the go-nowhere person. Your life is on hold, permanently.
And if this sounds harsh, I’m sorry, but forever putting yourself second doesn’t help anyone.
Aiding and abetting over-demanding behavior in others will never serve you or them. It will only perpetuate their own lack of self-reliance.
If I’d said no to Mum, she would have had every chance of making a fantastic second go of her life.
Don’t wait until hindsight tells you that you did it wrong.
Take your life back right now.
It’s your time.
-
How Meditation Can Make You Healthier and Ease Your Pain
“If a person’s basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful physical experience.” ~The Dalai Lama
When I finished graduate school I was a bright-eyed engineer with a fresh diploma in hand, ready to take on the world. I landed a great job at a multinational engineering firm and began my career working with people from all over the world.
So it was a major downer when, not long into my new job, I began to suffer from chronic migraines. Every day I would wake up feeling fine, but within a few minutes I would feel so lightheaded I was convinced my head was going to float away.
It wasn’t because of stress, though, just genetics. My mother, grandfather, and great-grandmother all had experienced similar issues with migraines.
Lights. Noise. Crowds. Computer screens. They made me feel miserable.
I was able to hide my symptoms pretty well from friends and coworkers, but I needed relief. My symptoms were not typical for migraines, so the doctors I saw couldn’t help much, and I didn’t have any luck with homeopathic remedies. My mother suggested I try meditation; it had helped her with her symptoms before.
Being an analytically inclined engineer, I was skeptical. To me, like many of us, meditation was something reserved for monks who wore funny robes and lived in the mountains, far away from the commutes and crowds and endless computer screens of the modern world that give the rest of us of headaches.
But I didn’t have anything to lose.
I started with one minute a day. And then two. And then five.
The more I meditated, the better my symptoms became. There were setbacks, but in general my condition improved. After a couple of years, going to a bar or writing an email didn’t make my head feel like it was going to explode.
I finally felt like my old self again.
I wasn’t sure if the improvement was solely due to meditation, but my analytical mind wanted to know more about it, with the more facts and hard data the better. According to the studies I have come across, meditation can:
1. Improve focus and memory
A 2013 UC Santa Barbara study published in Psychological Science found that mindfulness training, including meditation, can improve our ability to focus on tasks at hand and recall details from memory.
For those of us who have hectic jobs and find that our attention is constantly jumping from our mobile phone, to our desk phone, to our email inbox, to the person standing at our desk, or to the millions of other office distractions, a few minutes of quiet meditation in the morning can positively affect our critical thinking skills.
2. Reduce stress and anxiety
Research at Harvard Medical School found that meditation can physically change the brain’s amygdala, the portion of our brain related to stress and anxiety, and lower our levels of stress.
This one might seem like a no-brainer (pun definitely intended); if we are quiet and still, we will be calmer. But for all of the skeptics out there, like myself, it’s reassuring to know that the anecdotal evidence of meditation reducing our stress levels now has physical changes to the brain as documented evidence to support it.
3. Reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease
A 2012 study published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes found that daily meditation can not only reduce stress, but can actually reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease as well.
The patients in the study, all of whom had coronary heart disease, were divided into two groups: a control group, and a group that underwent a transcendental meditation program.
Over the course of the multi-year study, the group that received the meditation training saw reductions in their blood pressures and stress levels, and had lower rates of heart attacks and strokes.
Heart disease continues to be a global problem and could affect many of our lives as we age. But studies like these show that, in addition to the tools of modern medicine, we have one extra weapon in our arsenal to help improve our cardiovascular health.
4. Boost our immune systems
Another great benefit of meditation, at least according to a 2003 study published in Psychosomatic Medicine, is that it can improve our bodies’ ability to fight off disease and illness.
During the study, a control group was compared with another group of participants who received meditation training. Afterward, the meditators were found to have a significantly higher number of antibodies in their blood compared to the control group, which help ward off disease.
That means that regular meditation could help us get sick less often, giving us more time to have fun and be with our loved ones, instead of lying in bed and feeling miserable. Let’s remember that tip the next time flu season rolls around…
5. Reduce physical pain
According to a 2015 study by Wake Forest University published in the Journal of Neuroscience, meditation has the ability to reduce pain sensations in our bodies.
During the study, patients who had undergone meditation and mindfulness training experienced less pain when exposed to hot surfaces than those who did not have similar meditation experience.
This was also true for a group of “meditating” patients who had been given injections to chemically block their bodies’ natural production of opioids (i.e. our own internal painkillers), which kick in once we start to feel pain.
The authors concluded that this has the potential to help mitigate chronic symptoms and reduce dependencies on prescription medicine, and that future work could help to determine the exact mechanism of how meditation alleviates pain.
From my own experiences with daily migraines, I have full faith in the Wake Forest results. For anyone else suffering from pain, a few minutes a day could make all the difference.
—
Meditation is no longer a mystical practice hidden behind the walls of Tibetan monasteries. It is being studied by some of the most respected health organizations in the world, which are now able to use science to validate claims that have been around for thousands of years.
The physical and neurological benefits that meditation can provide make it a valuable accompaniment to modern medicine for curing or alleviating health problems. If you have been suffering from stress, or pain, why not try meditation? It’s natural and free.
A simple way to begin is to first find a comfortable seated position. Keep your eyes and body relaxed, and focus on your breath. Try not to fight all the thoughts and chitter chatter that run through your head. They’re normal.
Just observe them and then focus on your breath again once they have passed. Like me, you can start with one minute and then have longer sessions as you begin to feel more comfortable meditating. The positive effects you start to experience from daily meditation might surprise you.
What is there to lose?
-
If Self-Love Seems Difficult, Start with Self-Like
“It’s not your job to like me. It’s mine.” ~Byron Katie
Self-love is a word that gets used a lot. Overused, in fact.
The pressures and associations around the phrase “self-love” are immense. At school, we actually tore apart girls who loved themselves, as if it was such a bad thing. As teenagers, we saw self-love as big headed and arrogant.
If only we knew the harm that we were doing, not just to others but most of all to ourselves.
So how about we begin with self-like?
I definitely felt that I had to try to get people to like me when I was growing up. I wanted to fit in, I definitely didn’t want to embrace my individuality; all I wanted was acceptance.
But I now understand that those desperate attempts to make others like, and love me, were actually a reflection of what I needed to learn for myself.
Fast forward to over a decade later and this constant struggle appears to have reached a crunch point. My inability to love myself has caused huge problems in my relationships, both with myself and with the people I care about.
I can’t even begin to think about practicing self-love, because in all honesty, I struggle quite a lot of the time to even self-like. The pressure of consistent self-love is way too much for me to handle right now.
How am I expected to really truly love myself unconditionally? Love my wobbly bits, love my dark thoughts, love the fact that I sweat profusely during every type of exercise, love the times when I eat a bar of chocolate, just to get an instant hit of pleasure, love the fact that at times I can be a real scaredy cat?
How am I supposed to do all of this when a lot of the times I can’t even like these parts of me?
And so the self-like process must begin.
Take Self-Love Away
If you are in a place of self-loathing and self-hatred right now, take self-love off the table altogether. Don’t pressure yourself into unconditional love, because the very fact you can’t force it upon yourself will only frustrate and hurt you more.
If you put too much emphasis on love right now, you will simply end up suppressing the intense resistance that comes up and burying it deep within, only for it to rear its ugly head at a later date. Liking you right now feels a little more attainable than love.
Add in Self-Care
For a long time I thought that by doing things that fell into the self-care category, I was showing myself love. It was, in fact, a very important first step, but I deluded myself into believing that self-care was the same as self-love.
Self-care is vital because it helps you to start believing in your own worth. But it is far easier than self-like or self-love, which makes it a great place to start.
By starting to implement self-care practices—such as eating well, taking time to exercise, booking yourself a massage, and looking after your appearance—you are giving yourself the amazing signals that you are worth it.
Begin to Implement Self-Acceptance
Accepting where we are right now is absolutely imperative in our quest for self-like. And that doesn’t mean when you get your ideal job/dream body/loving partner/lottery win. It has to happen in this very moment.
If you don’t accept yourself now, you still won’t accept yourself when you do get the ideal job/dream body/loving partner/lottery win.
I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. I look back at photos and pine for the body shape I once had; however, I didn’t love myself then either. So I realize that the solution is not in a dress size but in accepting and liking myself no matter what I look like.
Accepting that where you are right now is okay is incredibly powerful and an integral part of learning to like yourself. You don’t have to love where you are; you just have to be okay with it as a starting point.
That doesn’t mean you have to stop striving for more in your life. But if you can like the place you are in now, then you are far more likely to love the way your life evolves.
Embracing Your Darkness
Unconditional self-like comes from embracing your darkness as well as your light. That means your fears, your worries, your doubts, your body shape, yes, even the things that disgust and disappoint you about yourself. They may not be pretty, but they are part of you.
We can’t simply banish these feelings away and shower them with positive affirmations. We can’t hide away and use avoidance tactics in the hope that they will go away. But we can accept them and start to gently tweak the pattern of thoughts that come up.
Create Purpose
When we feel on purpose, self-like becomes a lot easier. When we are living our lives in a way that satisfies and fulfills our creativity and our wishes, then we can begin to like our life from the inside and the outside.
Think about the things that you enjoy doing. What brings you joy and makes you feel fulfilled? You don’t have to know what your life purpose is right now. Just by allowing yourself the chance to implement more of these things into your daily routine, you might start to really like that life.
Self-like can start with the tiniest of steps—simply admitting to yourself that you have done a good job, or that there is even just one part of your body that you like. It isn’t an overnight transformation, but I do believe that it is the very first step toward learning self-love.
Can you be brave and find just one thing to like about yourself right now?
-
How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety
“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope
I was sitting on the couch in my bedroom, at sunset, looking at the trees outside my window. I felt a profound sadness, frustration, disappointment, and desperation taking me over.
While I was staring into oblivion, all my expectations came flashing to my mind.
“No, this is not what my life was supposed to be. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to have my own house. I was supposed to be happy. What happened?”
What happened was that I am part of the majority, not the exception.
My entire life I expected to be the exception. I assumed that if I worked hard enough, I would succeed; if I did well in university, I would succeed; if I poured my heart and soul into something, I would succeed; my dreams could come true.
I had become a slave to my expectations, and they were ruining my life.
In my mind, things were supposed to be different. My great expectations were robbing me of happiness, because I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t have what I expected to have, and I wasn’t who I expected I should be.
The truth of the matter is that there are few people out there who are lucky enough to be living their dreams.
Most of us survive on crumbs of our expectations. We have a job, even if it’s a job we don’t like. We work from nine to five every day to pay the bills. If you’re lucky, you get to go on a vacation once a year, and for the very lucky, two of them.
Statistics show depression and anxiety are on the rise. I am part of those statistics, along with 350 million other people who suffer from the same hell I do.
How could depression and anxiety not be on the rise when we are constantly bombarded by repetitive messages that tell us about all the great things we can accomplish?
Of course giving people high expectations is what sells. If beauty creams advertised their products by saying, “It will moisturize your skin and that’s pretty much it,” not too many people would buy the product.
Marketing survives by raising people’s expectations. When the product doesn’t meet up with their expectation, disappointment follows. And so it goes with most things in our lives.
Don’t get me wrong; I truly believe that dreams can come true. The point is that we shouldn’t expect it to happen. If it does happen, it will be a nice surprise. But if it doesn’t and we’re expecting it, we are likely doomed for disappointment and frustration.
Of course it would be amazing if we could all live our great expectations, but we shouldn’t base our happiness and personal satisfaction on them, because there is no rule that says that we will all live to fulfill them. I know this might sound pessimistic, simply because it goes against everything we’ve heard.
We read great stories of people who defied the odds and became a success, but we never read about the people who did their best and failed. Their stories never become motivational quotes and bestselling books, because they didn’t make it.
We never hear their stories about how they put their heart and soul into something and failed, because that doesn’t sell books; that doesn’t sell conferences.
Many motivational books and personal coaches survive by raising people’s expectations instead of focusing on finding happiness with what they already have.
Of course meeting our expectations could bring happiness, but if we’re waiting to be happy for that to happen, we might be waiting a long time.
Maybe you’re not Anna Wintour or Mark Zuckerberg, and you don’t have a million dollars in the bank.
Maybe you’re feeling frustrated because parenthood didn’t turn out to be what you had expected (it’s tiring and demanding).
Maybe your job is not fulfilling, and at one point you expected you’d grow up to be somewhere completely different from where you are today.
I could sit here and write that you can change everything and you should fight to meet your expectation. I think you should, but you shouldn’t base you personal satisfaction and happiness on that.
I’m here to tell you that it’s all right if you didn’t meet your expectations.
Sometimes life throws curve balls at us, and for some reason or another life doesn’t go to plan. It doesn’t mean we have to stop working toward our goals; it just means that we can be happy regardless.
Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we need to focus on what we do have.
Capitalism shoves down our throats to strive for more, and we obediently follow, only to meet a brick wall and realize how frustrated we are for not being everything the system promised we could be.
Millennials in particular are battling this problem harshly.
We were sold the idea that if we went to college, got great marks, and did tons of unpaid internships we’d be destined for the stars. Instead, millions of millennials have a huge amount of debt from student loans and are finding it hard to find a job. I’m not even talking about their dream job—just a job.
Did you know that millennials have the highest statistics on depression and anxiety ever recorded in history? That’s mainly because we expected to at least have the quality of life our parents had. But things have changed, and now we are not even close to what they had at our age.
Our expectations were too high, and we live in a world where it’s harder to meet those expectations.
It would have been a lot better to break things down to millennials in a realistic way, and if some of them got to meet their expectations, then good for them. But for the rest, we’d know that not all expectations need to be met for us to be happy.
I know you might be reading this and thinking of all the expectations that you had that you didn’t get to live up to. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated and sad.
The best and easiest way to be happy is to work toward our goals but never expect for them to become a reality. It’s a paradox. It’s the duality of existence.
We need a goal and a dream to keep us motivated, but at the same time we need to not expect anything from life. That way, regardless of the outcome, we don’t become disappointed.
I know it kind of goes against the motivational quotes we read, and it especially goes against the greedy perception that has been incrusted in our minds. We are taught to never be content with what we have and to always strive for more. But this greedy mindset is what has many feeling frustrated with their lives.
I’m not saying that it’s good to get comfortable in mediocrity, but to push ourselves to be the best person we can be without expecting a great outcome. To do things because we love doing them, not because we’re expecting something.
It’s like doing a good deed expecting a “thank you.” If the “thank you” doesn’t come, you become disappointed. If you do it regardless of the gratitude, you still feel content.
It’s about being happy while working to be better, not by placing happiness on a goal. You find that happiness in your progress, in your daily life, in feeling grateful for the small things—for having food on your plate, a roof over your head, health, and loved ones to share your life with.
It is about coming to terms with the idea that your dreams might not come true. Making peace with life—that even if it doesn’t allow you to fulfill your dreams, it has given you life, and life itself is a treasure.
As the saying goes, happy people are not those who have the best of everything but the ones who make the best of everything they have.
-
Why The Old Adage “Enjoy Every Moment” May Be More Harmful Than Helpful
“In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.” ~Francis Bacon
One phrase my husband and I have heard often since becoming new parents—heck, since I was still waddling my way through my last trimester—is, “It goes so fast.” This is most often delivered by another more seasoned mother with an all-knowing shake of her head and a longing gaze at my once rotund belly, or now at our beautiful boy.
We smile and nod, silently agreeing to the harsh reality of time. Which inevitably leads to the dreaded follow up, “Enjoy every moment!” This is usually spoken at a higher, more fervent, almost frantic timber as she smiles hugely at us.
The thing is, I know she means well. I know that her child(ren) must be older and that she has undoubtedly forgotten the reality of the many difficulties with which new parents are faced as they begin to navigate the oftentimes muddy waters of raising a child.
I also now know that because of the prevalence of phrases like, “Enjoy every moment,” many new parents are unable to reconcile the very real conflicting emotions of loving their children so much that at times it is hard to breathe, while at the same time feeling for any myriad of reasons like they don’t measure up. Or that because they aren’t, in fact, enjoying every minute, that they must somehow be failing as a parent and a person.
A couple of months before my son was born I bumped into a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while. The typical conversation between a fairly new mother and woman in late stage pregnancy ensued.
We discussed how I was feeling; she made a fleeting comment about her back labor, encouraging me to be open-minded about any birth plan I might have in place; and then she said something so outlandish and foreign that I couldn’t in that moment find the words with which to respond.
She told me, with great certainty, that there would be things I would endure in the very near future that would be almost incomprehensibly difficult, and that in no way would I enjoy them all.
I was stunned. But it wasn’t that she spoke the truth that stunned me; it was that everyone else I had come into contact with hadn’t.
In that moment, I was more grateful to her than she’ll ever know. Right there, at the entrance to the grocery store, she granted me permission to honestly experience all that lie ahead on the bumpy, blissful path of motherhood.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. At least not in those first few months when every cry my son emitted from his frighteningly fragile little body left me panic-stricken and absolutely sure that I was simply not cut out to be a mother.
Not because I wasn’t doing every possible thing in my power to care for and nurture my boy. But because there is nothing enjoyable about massive hormonal shifts, staggering sleep deprivation, unexpected postpartum anxiety, and three bouts of excruciating mastitis.
It wasn’t until my husband—bless his kind and patient heart—asked me, after one agonizingly long and sleepless night, what I had expected life with a newborn to be that I remembered my friend’s wise, and let’s face it, frightening words.
I realized then my perception of what my experience as a new mother should be had become quite skewed. I also realized that it was thanks to all those well-meaning, “Enjoy every moment” comments that I found myself floundering to make sense of just how I was supposed to manage to do that—and if I was unable to, then surely there must be something inherently wrong with me.
Maybe you think I’m being too literal. Surely everyone knows you can’t possibly enjoy every moment.
Okay sure, I’ll give you that. But I’ll also argue that our words and thoughts carry great weight. And with that weight often comes unrealistic expectations, both of ourselves and of others. This is true for all of us in any given situation, parent or not.
Plus, I think the issue runs deeper than simple semantics. Let’s face it, most of us have spent a large majority of our lives constructing often intricate and elaborate means of avoiding pain and discomfort.
We go well out of our way to escape those pesky emotions that leave us feeling vulnerable. We choose, instead, to focus only on what we, and society as a whole, has deemed “good” or “positive” rather than risk putting our more “negative” thoughts and experiences out into the universe. You’ve heard this, right?
While I am a staunch believer in the power we have to manifest and create our own reality, I am also convinced that we cannot simply bypass the harder, more uncomfortable aspects of the human experience.
It is not surprising then, that it has been in my new role as both an ecstatic and scared new mother that I have found there is absolutely no place in which to escape from anything. After all, my child’s cries of discomfort and/or discontent cannot, in any language or universe, be denied. And this, I have found, is a good thing. It literally keeps him alive.
Well, we were all babies once. Maybe there is a trace of that survival instinct still hibernating within each of us. Maybe our own fears and discomforts are coming up when necessary as a way to keep us alive, too. Or at the very least, to wake us up.
During the first six euphoric and arduous months of my son’s life, I began to awaken to the paradox of my new situation.
I had been granted the greatest gift I will ever receive in this life. It’s true. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Yet it is because of that very greatness that I was unable to allow for the intense feelings of discomfort I felt when faced with the very natural sense of overwhelm that comes with being a new mother.
I, like many others in any number of life’s scenarios, believed that I had no right to feel the tough stuff when I was so obviously blessed with such a massive amount of good.
But just as I believe we need the darkness to appreciate the light, I am also certain that I needed—and must continue—to allow myself to fully surrender to and move through those harder, oh so unenjoyable moments. For it was and is in the moments when I have thought I had nothing left to give that I learned just how good a mother I actually am.
I have learned, time and again, the lengths I will go to for my son. I have abolished the limitations I unknowingly set for myself simply by being faced with staggeringly hard situations and circumstances.
Ironically, It is because of these situations that I now trust myself and my capabilities more than ever before.
It’s unreasonable to think we should enjoy every moment, and that if we don’t, we’re doing something wrong. So let yourself off the hook. You never know, it just might result in you enjoying life’s messy process and all the glorious moments in between that much more.
-
Why We Can’t Have Healthy, Happy Relationships Without Self-Love
“Worry about loving yourself instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.” ~Unknown
Body image and self-love have been my biggest struggles. They’ve affected every area of my life, including relationships.
I developed anorexia in high school after experiencing a number of losses in a short period of time.
During my high school years I didn’t date much. I had a few boyfriends, but the relationships never progressed because I was afraid of intimacy, due to the fact that I was uncomfortable in my skin and didn’t like my body.
I had body dysmorphia, thinking I was overweight when I wasn’t.
Shortly after high school, I fell into the cycle of restricting and binge eating and used excessive exercise to purge my binges. I hated my body and was obsessed with making it smaller.
About a year after graduating from high school, I entered a relationship with a guy who was very pushy and persistent.
I now know that I never would have entered that relationship had I loved myself.
I remember thinking he wasn’t my type, because he seemed cocky and consumed with his own looks, which actually made me feel uncomfortable. That turned into a five-year relationship.
I looked to this guy for happiness but never got it. I remember so many days and nights of anger, unhappiness, and complete distress. I ignored my inner voice for a long time. I now know that true happiness comes from within, and no one outside yourself has the power to dictate how you feel.
I remember when I first realized I was still struggling with disordered eating, and that binge eating was something others struggled with too. I started seeing a psychologist and I would lie to her about our relationship, as well.
I stayed for too long because I didn’t have any self-esteem, and didn’t know where I would go or what I could do if I left. I didn’t love him. I don’t feel he loved me either, but I did love the idea of him loving me.
I remember the first point at which I thought maybe I could live without him. From there, it took another year for me to leave.
Once I did leave, I knew that I needed to work on myself before I could even think of entering another relationship. I needed to discover who I was, work on improving my body image, and learn to love myself.
I stayed single for three years, which were filled with ups and downs. I eventually hit rock bottom with my disordered eating. That actually gave me the strength to pull myself out of that vicious cycle and helped me realize I needed to change my thoughts and mindset around my body and food.
Over time, I learned to love and accept myself as I was. I practiced authenticity and vulnerability with others and eventually met the man of my dreams.
You see, to be able to attract another emotionally healthy person, I had to first become emotionally healthy myself.
Lack of self-love doesn’t only show up in people with eating disorders, either. Others may have different unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, drugs, social media, or a shopping addiction.
The important part to understand is that if you struggle with loving yourself like I was, you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship until you can build one with yourself.
So many people feel as though they are running out of time to meet the “one,” but it’s important to take the time to work on yourself instead of focusing on filling the void with another person. If not, you may fall into the trap of settling for less than you deserve, like I did.
So how can we develop self-love?
First, become aware of the thoughts and words you speak that are demeaning toward yourself.
Next, focus on shifting those negative thoughts to a positive thought you can believe. Affirmations are great, but they won’t help if you don’t actually believe them. You can make the new thoughts progressive if you struggle with believing them.
For example; instead of saying, “I love my body,” say, “I am working toward accepting, loving, and honoring my body.” It’s much easier to believe this when you are in the process of getting there.
(For more helping taming your inner critic, check out this post, Create a Kinder Mind.)
Also, try being vulnerable with others and share your imperfections. You will quickly realize that everyone goes through tough times and you are not alone, so there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Just be careful of sharing with the wrong people. Some people don’t get personal growth, or maybe your particular struggle, and they may say the wrong things or judge you.
If this happens, just understand that they aren’t in the same place as you, and don’t let that stop you from being authentic with others. It will help you connect on a deeper level and find the people you want to surround yourself with in life.
Take the time to figure out what your passions are and what lights you up in life. This will help you realize your worth comes from what’s on the inside, rather than what you look like or how much money you make.
Once you start to change your thoughts, it’s much easier to make healthy lifestyle choices from a place of self-love.
It’s easier to eat in a way that nourishes your body and soul.
It’s easier to want to fit daily movement into your life, because it makes you feel good, not because you hate your body and you’re trying to change it.
It’s easier to get to bed on time and get enough sleep every night.
It’s also easier to choose which relationships benefit you and which ones do not.
Self-love cascades into every area of your life, just like self-hatred does. You can choose which way to live, but I can guarantee the challenge of building self-love is well worth it.
-
True Connection Happens When We Release Cynicism and Judgment
“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” ~Bill Nye
It’s cool to be a little cynical, right? We’ve all seen the movies; we know an air of ennui and a well-cultivated sneer is all a person needs to get by.
When I was in my early twenties I used to archly describe myself as an “optimistic cynic.” To me, it sounded cool. I was playing in bands, and I’d decided this was how I wanted to show up to the world.
Back then I responded to everything, whether good or bad, exciting or not, through a filter of sarcasm. (And for those who don’t know me, I’m talking British sarcasm here too. The strongest kind.)
Thankfully, though, after years of deep work on myself, I eventually realized that really, in being so cynical, I was just hiding behind a façade, a front. The cynicism was a barrier to protect myself, and ultimately, it halted me making real connections with others, and myself.
I think I first realized this while at university. There was a guy who lived on my floor who was just a really good person.
Andy was happy, friendly, well-liked by everyone. The source of good emotions wherever he went.
At the time, of course, I dismissed his demeanor as an act to be liked, which, as I write this now, I realize was me projecting my own issues on him.
But even then a part of me knew Andy was doing something right. When he’d invite me to things (and I of course turned him down with a sarcastic aside) I felt a little silly, a little humbled by his great outlook and energy, which contrasted so greatly with my self-defeating ‘cool.’
You see, deep down I knew I wanted to do all the things he was doing. I wanted to live my honest truth like he was, but for whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to let go and just be myself. Andy held a mirror up to my sneer, and I didn’t like what I saw.
I’m glad to say I’m not like that anymore. But it’s still in me on occasion, and I think in all of us if we aren’t careful. It seems more and more, cynicism is becoming the default setting for our collective consciousness. It’s the way to be now in this post-modern world.
Don’t trust people. Don’t show your feelings. Don’t give a damn, frankly.
We live in very uncertain times, so it’s understandable, then, that we’ve learned to question people’s motives. But where this once still bordered on liberal curiosity, it is fast turning to simple mistrust, disconnection, and in many cases, actual fear of others.
It’s a sad situation, and something I feel we all need to be aware of. More so, we need to actively fight against this cynicism and learn to connect with each other again.
A study at Harvard that was conducted over a staggering seventy-five years has proven beyond any doubt that that when it comes to being happier in every way, it’s all about making real connections:
“The more areas in your life you can make connection the better…The study’s most important finding is that the only thing that matters in life is relationships…Happiness is love. Full stop.”
But before we can make powerful connections with others, there’s someone else we need to connect with—ourselves.
When we are disconnected from ourselves, we lose our power and our confidence in our abilities; thus, our ability to trust ourselves diminishes. And if we can’t trust ourselves, how can we trust others?
So, we need to take the time to discover our own wants and desires and to connect fully with our core values. When we have this self-knowledge a lot of other things quickly fall into place.
You can practice this in small ways too. Take time throughout the day to engage in a tech-free walk in nature and get your peripatetic system working. You’ll be surprised how quickly you connect with your truth when you’re completely alone with no distractions of any kind.
Meditation, too, is a great way of just being with yourself fully. You’ll often find you have great insights once you actively create some silence for a short period and calibrate yourself. In this way, we can quickly become a person who is so focused on their path that cynicism never even gets a look in.
When we connect with the vision we have for ourselves, we gain clarity and can then relax, become more comfortable, and begin to create real connections with the world outside.
When you take the time to do this, you make peace with yourself, and it is from this position of power that you can create powerful moments with other people and become the source of good energy wherever you go.
You can start this today: Practice actively connecting with people on a deep, powerful level. Look into their eyes just that extra second longer; give a hug that has real emotion behind it, a handshake that lasts a little longer than normal, or a comment that hits just right.
With every person you talk to from now on, make a connection. Create a moment. Turn off the rest of the world and just, warmly, be with them.
Do this right and it’ll feel like you’ve made time stand still. You’ll soon realize how great you not only make others feel, but how great you feel yourself as your connection and empathy for the world grows.
Because flip back to the “cynical optimist” version of me you met at the start, and you’d see someone who regularly reacted badly to others, who got annoyed easily.
I’m sure we all have had those times when other people have riled us—the man on the street walking too slowly in front of us or too close behind us, the rude checkout girl who can’t raise a smile, the work colleague who makes bad jokes or talks too much.
We know that getting annoyed only ultimately harms ourselves. If something annoys you, that’s on you. And while we might think we’re displaying dominance and superiority by getting annoyed, really, all we’re doing is giving away our power and becoming disconnected to others and our true, better selves.
Researchers have dubbed this fundamental attribution error, which states that we tend to give too much weight to someone’s personality or disposition in explaining their behavior in a given situation.
In other words, we all too often take one single thing that someone does and use it to make a judgment on their entire persona. I’m sure you can agree that this does not help at all in creating honest connections with our fellow humans.
We need to combat this bias whenever we can. A great technique I found, that immediately helps us feel more present and connected with others, is to consciously reframe the event.
When you feel yourself getting a little antsy, rather than stewing on it and becoming disconnected and wound up, simply change the story.
That man walking too fast behind you? He’s late for his new job and is a little worried about what his new boss will say.
The sulky checkout assistant? They’ve just split up with their partner and feel heartbroken.
If someone annoys you, tell yourself a story about why they are doing what they’re doing, and reframe it in a way that you can relate to.
In this way we can all learn to be a little more empathetic, a little more connected, a little nicer even.
And like I say, living this way really is a win/win situation all round; as you grow more connected with yourself and your environment, your own power and confidence will grow as a result. So create moments, reframe the stories you tell yourself about others, and show up in the world as a source of great emotions.
That’s something we can all connect with.
-
3 Ways to Tell If You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship
“The harder you fight to hold onto specific assumptions, the more likely there’s gold in letting them go.” ~John Seely Brown
It was Christmas night and I was ecstatic. He would be there any minute.
I touched up my gloss and gave myself a quick once over in the hallway mirror. Despite having had a hearty dinner at my Mum’s, my stomach was flat and my dress fit me like a glove, enveloping my curves perfectly. I was ready and raring to go.
Glancing at the clock, I wondered where he was. I double checked my phone to see if he’d text, but no—nothing. Oh well, he was only twenty minutes late. It was fine. He had probably just been held up or something.
I went and sat patiently on the stairs, looking at the front door and willing the doorbell to ring.
Two hours later he showed up. No apology, no nothing. I didn’t even get a kiss.
He staggered in, obviously drunk, and asked if there was any food. I led him into the living room and said I would go fix him something. Grunting in response, he made himself comfortable while I headed into the kitchen.
As disappointed as I was, now was not the time to pick a fight.
Colin was never reasonable when he’d been drinking, and I didn’t want a repeat of last time; I didn’t want to upset him.
I suppose I should have been grateful he had decided to come over. After all, he didn’t have to, did he? What was important was that he had, which was good enough.
He did like me really, but he just had a lot on his plate, and it was up to me to be strong and support him. He didn’t mean to hit me; I just needed to stop being so provocative and expecting too much.
That was my problem: I was always looking for trouble and couldn’t just be content with what I had.
Running back into the living room, I lovingly gave him his food and watched him wolf it down, pleased that he was satisfied and enjoying it. It made me happy seeing him happy.
He put his plate down and looked over at me. My heart started beating faster and I got nervous. He beckoned me over, and I eagerly went and sat on his lap to embrace him.
It didn’t matter that he had been late; he was here now.
I nuzzled against his neck and breathed him in. This was all I wanted, to be with him, and it was moments like this that made it worthwhile. All the other details were irrelevant. For as long as he wanted me, I would always be there for him, giving anything and everything I had to make it work.
Colin was my world, and that was how it would always be.
Almost ten years on and my eyes are wide open to what that relationship was all about. I was in such need of love from a man that I was willing to take any small amount of breadcrumbs tossed in my direction.
That was how it was for years. All the men I got involved with were only out for what they could get, and I accepted it because I genuinely believed that was the best I could have. It’s only looking back now that I realize I was the better half, and I shouldn’t have settled for such treatment.
Matters of the heart are always complicated, but combined with insecurities and fear, they’re often more destructive than anything else.
I know how easy it is to convince yourself that you are with someone because, deep down, they love you. Manipulators are experts at deceiving people, but we are even better at deceiving ourselves, especially when we long for love with all our hearts.
3 Non-Negotiable Factors
I’ve had the worst kind of relationships, but from them, I have gleaned three crucial pointers in identifying a healthy vs. unhealthy one.
Reciprocation
Who provides what in the relationship emotionally, physically, financially, etc.? Are you the one making all the effort? Is it balanced, and if not, why?
Your time and energy is just as precious as anyone else’s. Are you being appreciated in the way you should be?
Your Feelings
On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel around this person most of the time?
In what way do they benefit and enrich your life?
Can you be yourself when you’re with them?
Do they make you feel good about yourself and love you for who you truly are?
While no relationship is perfect, for the most part, they’re meant to be a source of joy and pleasure, and to add value to our lives.
Hopes and Dreams
How do you feel about the longevity of this relationship?
Imagine twenty years from now, if your relationship continues as it’s been; would this future be in alignment with your own goals and plans?
Does your partner support and share your vision for the future?
Do they encourage your self-development or hinder it?
If you cannot picture long-term happiness with this person in your life, you need to question how much you are prepared to sacrifice to be with them.
Be True To Yourself
These questions should enable you to obtain some perspective.
If your partner is worth the emotional investment, that’s wonderful. If, on the other hand, you instinctively know this is a bad set up, the best advice I can give you is to end the relationship as soon as possible.
It’s similar to removing a Band-Aid; it will hurt, but it’s best done quickly and without delay. Speaking from experience, the reality of them vacating is never as scary as you imagine it will be.
Stay true to yourself and don’t just accept things for how they are. I was completely intoxicated by all my ex boyfriends, but only because I allowed myself to be, and they took advantage of that. As soon as I decided to cut all ties, they disappeared almost instantaneously.
Be strong and know that you are worth so much more than you believe. If you lie to yourself that everything is okay, you are prolonging the pain and simply postponing the inevitable.
Take some control and free yourself from a life of guaranteed hurt and misery. Any short-term pain will be outweighed by the bright future, full of love and light, that is waiting for you. All you need to do is make the choice to allow and receive it.
