Tag: wisdom
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Stop Chasing Happiness: 17 Alternative Ways to Live Your Best Possible Life
“If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time.” ~Edith Wharton
I have a question for you.
What would you be willing to sacrifice to be happy?
Would you be happy to let go of Netflix? Alcohol? Pizza?
Would you be willing to take up a monastic life?
Every single day of the year we’re being sold happiness. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in the form of a pill or a book or a holiday, the underlying idea is the same: What we have to sell you will make you happy.
The problem with happiness is that no one really knows exactly what it is. It’s intangible, even a little mysterious, yet still we all want to be happy. But trying to be happy is like trying to get to sleep; the harder you try, the less likely it is to happen.
So four years ago, on New Years Eve, I made the pledge to myself to stop trying to be happy.
Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t miserable. I was just spending too much time thinking about whether or not I was happy—even though neither I, nor anyone I knew really, could give a clear answer about what this meant.
So instead of saying to myself, This year I’m going to be happy, I said, This year I’m going to try new things. I’m going to meet new people. I’m going to go to new places. I’m going to push myself out of my comfort zone.
And if I’m not happy, well, I’m not happy, but at least I’ve had some interesting experiences.
The result of this was the best (and probably happiest) year of my life, at least up to that point. And I realized something obvious in hindsight, but still profound: Happiness is something that comes a lot more easily when we stop thinking about it.
It’s more like a place you occupy than an object you obtain. Some days you’ll be there and some days you wont, but the more time you spend thinking about being happy, the less likely you are to spend time being so.
A large part of what less than happy people have is a problem with their patterns of attention.
In the same way the attention of an extrovert is naturally directed at social communication, the attention of an entrepreneur seeks out business opportunities, and an artist looks for creative expression, an unhappy person tends to look directly at happiness.
This post will explore some practices that can help you to stop focusing so hard on the idea of happiness and instead embrace the experiences and thoughts that will actually make you happy.
1. Take the word “happy” out of your vocabulary.
We all know words are used to communicate ideas. Unfortunately, sometimes a word can get overused and it becomes confusing, stifling, or even dangerous.
Here are some other words you should start to use in conversations with yourself and others about how you feel. Don’t be fooled into believing you need to experience all of them; you don’t.
If you find yourself asking, Am I happy? Replace the question with: Do I have [insert word] in my life?
- Contentment
- Enjoyment
- Laughter
- Well-being
- Peace of mind
- Cheerfulness
- Playfulness
- Hopefulness
- Blessedness
2. Practice living in the present.
Letting go of past regrets and future anxieties is not easy, but it’s the fastest way to live a full and enjoyable life. Think about enjoying each moment for its own unique role in the ongoing narrative of your life.
If you want a short mantra to keep in mind: be here now.
3. Decide what you really want to do.
A lot of people that are searching for happiness will end up with “shiny object syndrome.” This is what happens when they bounce from goal to goal because they’re looking for something (or someone) to take away all their suffering.
Knowing yourself and what you truly want can help you develop purpose and focus—so much so that you don’t even have time to waste pondering happiness. You may even realize that happiness is not what you really want, that you’re willing to put up with being unhappy some of the time if it means you will have a sense of achievement.
4. Let go of unrealistic expectations about how happy you’re supposed to be.
For most of human history people lived relatively rough lives. The idea that you’re supposed to be happy all of the time is pretty new.
Though you should strive to live the fullest life you can, it’s actually more normal and perfectly okay to live an average life interspersed with brief periods of joy.
5. Take small daily steps.
If you think you know what you want and you’re determined that it will make you happy, at least decide on small daily steps that you can take to get there.
Setting unrealistical goals that you never get to finish is far less fulfilling than setting small goals that you can finish and appreciate—and ones that let you know you’re on the right track.
6. Make serving others a regular habit.
One key habit of unhappy people that we often don’t talk about is that they are inherently self-centered.
This doesn’t mean that they are bad people by any means. It just means their minds spend a disproportionate amount of time focused on the self.
Serving others is one way to break this pattern of attention from “How am I feeling?” to “How are you feeling?” There are a lot of studies that show that giving to others is more rewarding than receiving.
7. Separate your happiness from your achievements.
We all need to learn to separate our happiness from our achievements. It’s okay to feel content with our lives simply because we have an inherent sense of self-worth.
Reaching our goals can obviously bolster this feeling and give us a deep sense of accomplishment, but the absence of achievement should not mean the absence of happiness.
8. Don’t force yourself to be positive all the time.
There’s a lot of advice in the self-help community and spiritual circles about being positive. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the best advice. It’s better to be positive when you are actually feeling positive than it is to be positive when you’re feeling negative.
9. Remove things that prevent happiness.
This is actually a lot more important than finding things to make you happy.
Are you in a toxic relationship?
Do you dislike your job?
Are you eating a lot of unhealthy food?
These things all need to go before you start to seek happiness; otherwise, they can hold you back and you may never be satisfied.
10. Be okay with okay.
When people ask you, “How’s work? How’s the new city? How’s your relationship going?” Don’t you feel compelled to say “really good!” even when it’s not?
We’re so conditioned to feel like we need to have the best of everything that “okay” just isn’t good enough for most of us.
Learning to be okay with okay is a much better strategy toward allowing things to become great than is anxiously wishing that they already were.
11. Get out of your comfort zone.
Getting out of your comfort zone is good not only for your sense of self-worth, but it also gives your brain a huge adrenaline dump and a flush of endorphins.
You’ll know when you’re getting out of your comfort zone when you feel anxious before doing something, but you do it anyway, because you know it is beneficial to you in the long run. Afterward, you’ll often feel a huge relief and sense of self-worth at having done something you were scared to do.
Depending on your own situation you might find this in traveling to new places, meeting new people, trying new activities (public speaking, scuba diving, bungee jumping etc.) or even just meditating through negative emotions.
12. Look after your body.
From muscular tension that can trap emotions to serotonin production and bacterial imbalances in your gut, your body is the number one vehicle that will allow you to experience joy and satisfaction, so treat it with care!
13. Meditate daily.
This is a no brainer. I’m sure anyone reading this article is familiar with the physical and psychological health benefits of mindfulness and meditation.
But there is one I’d like to add:
Meditation is long, slow, and you often you don’t see the deep benefits for a long time; in fact, when you are starting out, it can often seem like a complete leap of faith. But this is why it’s so important.
When you sit and stare at a wall or focus on your breath or do anything that (compared to our normal lives) is so bland, it conditions you to not grab on to the colorful, shiny objects that usually point you toward a shallow sense of fulfillment.
With a longstanding meditation practice that tendency to grasp will usually just fall away naturally. You’ll unknowingly get out of your own way.
14. Meet new people.
Meeting new and positive people can give you new vital energy that kickstarts your life and helps you focus on enjoying the present.
Because we are such social creatures, having likeminded people in our lives can have such a powerful impact on the way our habits and beliefs develop. As the old saying goes, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
To find people with similar interests and ambitions in your city, there are plenty of sites that can help you connect. You can try MeetUp.com for starters, or just do a simple search in Facebook for groups in your area.
Likewise, if you are interested in meditation and spirituality, retreats are a great way to know people and connect on a deep level in a short amount of time.
15. Go out in nature.
A lot of the time our worries and concerns are largely linked to our environment—both immediately, such as the construction noise outside our bedroom, and peripherally, such as when an advert on T.V. reminds you of a past failure.
Nature allows you to completely unplug, allowing yourself the space to experience relaxation and acceptance.
16. Be honest with yourself.
Discontentment often comes from what psychologists call cognitive dissonance—incongruence between two conflicting ideas or emotions in your mind.
You can greatly reduce this by just accepting, admitting, and experiencing the emotions that are passing through you.
If you are angry, be angry; if you are sad, be sad; if you are joyful, be joyful. When we try to actively change or deny present emotions, they become meta-emotions: guilt about sadness, anger about fear, fear about unhappiness. Then they become toxic.
17. Energize yourself in the morning.
As much as we like to think we have control and autonomy when it comes to our feelings, the truth is that momentum is a huge factor.
Morning routines have been a keystone habit of content and successful people throughout history, and for good reason; starting your day with a spiritual practice, a physical practice, and a healthy breakfast may not seem like much, but compounded over years, it can make all the difference in the world to your well-being.
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We can all learn to let go of the neurotic need to chase happiness.
Doing so will do us a world of good—and who knows, we might even have a pretty good time.
How have you learned to stop chasing happiness? Let us know in the comments!
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5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away
“Feelings come and go like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Breathing techniques are now such an important part of my daily routine. I couldn’t think of starting a day without doing my breathing exercises.
I usually combine these with my morning meditation, which, through sheer perseverance, I have made into a habit and have been doing for the last few years.
Almost everywhere you look, you can find stress—at work, at home, on the road. It’s hard to avoid it and even harder to not get sucked in.
I used to let stress get the better of me on a daily basis through an incredibly stressful and demanding job. That was until I realized the dangerous effects it was having on my body.
I worked in video production as a producer, where there was a new type of stress every single day.
There were so many cogs that all had to fall perfectly into place for the production to move ahead, not to mention the number of people who would depend and rely on me. The deadlines were tight, and to make sure that every stage of production was complete, I often had to work long hours.
This was an incredibly stress-inducing job, and so often I felt myself getting overtired and angry due to the workload.
Stress can make it near enough impossible to control your emotions. I found the more stressed I became, the more irrational I would become.
Stress is also strongly linked to diseases, and chronic stress can give these conditions the green light to flood your body. Stress has been linked to cancer, lung disease, fatal accidents, suicide, and cirrhosis of the liver.
Not to mention that stress can make you gain weight, look older, and ruin your relationships.
After understanding that I was a very stressed person, often attracting stressful situations into my life, I decided to learn stress-combating techniques.
The best methods I discovered were various breathing techniques. They’re quick to do and have amazing results.
Now, if I ever feel myself getting stressed or am about to enter a stressful situation, I simply stop for a moment and use one of my breathing techniques. This instantly calms me down and has an immediate effect on my state of mind, allowing me to think clearly and rationally.
Breathing is used in meditation as a method to relax the body fully and achieve a clear state of mind. We are extremely lucky that such a powerful tool, like breathing, is something that we can regulate and control ourselves.
Practicing breathing techniques will not only give you beneficial life tools, but they are also a great starting point for your meditation journey.
The techniques I have shared are simple and easy to learn. Some will bring calm and inner peace, while others can be used to kick-start your mental awareness and vital energy.
Abdominal Breathing
Abdominal breathing slows your entire body down; your heart rate and blood pressure reduce with each controlled deep breath you take.
Your aim during this technique is to focus on your diaphragm, not your chest, as you breathe.
To begin, place one hand on the chest and the other on the belly.
Breathe in through your nose enough for your diaphragm to inflate with enough air to produce a stretch in your lungs. Then exhale slowly.
Make sure each breath is deep and steady.
Repeat this technique with seven to ten breaths per minute for ten minutes.
Alternate Nostril Breathing (aka Nadi Shodhana)
This technique will unite both sides of your brain while bringing calm and balance.
To begin, sit in a comfortable meditative pose; this can be on the floor, on a chair, or on a sofa, wherever is most comfortable for you.
Now, hold your right nostril down with your thumb or one of your fingers on your right hand. Breathe in deeply through your left nostril.
When you’re at the peak of inhalation, let go of your right nostril and cover the left. Then, exhale through the right nostril. Continue with this technique for as long as needed until you feel calm and focused.
Because this method connects your brain on a deep level, you shouldn’t practice this technique before going to bed.
Instead, if you need to prepare for a big presentation or a difficult job interview, or you’re in any kind of nervous situation, take a few minutes practicing alternate nostril breathing to calm yourself. Doing this will help quiet your mind so that you can be the best version of yourself without having to worry about the nerves!
Not only will you experience calm and balance, but you will also feel focused and super energized.
Relaxing Breath (aka “4-7-8”)
This technique is used to completely relax the body and nervous system. It can be used in many different scenarios—when you feel internal tension, when something upsetting happens, or simply to help you relax before sleep.
Before you begin this technique, ensure you are sitting comfortably with your back as straight as possible.
Place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth where they meet the gum ridge. You will need to keep your tongue here for the duration of the technique.
Start by exhaling fully. Usually, because of where your tongue is placed, this would make a natural “whoosh” sound.
Inhale quietly for a count of four. Once reached, hold your breath here for a count of seven and then exhale fully for a count of eight. This is one full breath. You should aim to do four or five full breaths each time you practice this technique.
Stillness in Breath
If you are able to focus on your breath for long periods of time, then this technique is for you.
This breathing awareness variation doesn’t involve any counting, merely observing.
To begin, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and begin observing your breathing pattern.
Once you have settled into the process of observing your natural breathing rhythm, turn your awareness to the point at which the breath switches from inhalation to exhalation. Then observe as it changes from exhalation to inhalation. Notice that there is a gap, or still pause, between the breaths.
If you find that your mind wanders during this variation, simply keep guiding your attention back to this still pause between each stage of breath. The more you practice this technique, the more it becomes a continuous experience in which you will find peace.
Stimulating Breath (aka Bellows Breath)
Bellows Breath is used to invigorate your senses and sharpen your mind. If practiced well, you will raise your vital energy and feel an increased level of alertness.
To begin, sit comfortably. You don’t need to be in a certain position or sit anywhere in particular for this technique.
Inhale and exhale rapidly through your nose. Try to keep your mouth shut and as relaxed as possible. Aim to keep your inhales and exhales equal in duration but as reduced as possible.
For beginners, you should start by practicing this technique for a maximum of fifteen seconds. As you become more comfortable, you can increase this time by five seconds each time you practice until you reach a full minute.
Like alternate nostril breathing, this technique connects with your mind on a deep level and shouldn’t be used before you go to sleep.
Next time you feel like you need an energy boost, instead of reaching for caffeine, try this technique and see how invigorated you feel afterwards!
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By practicing breathing meditation for ten to fifteen minutes a day, you will be able to reduce your stress and anxiety levels significantly. You’ll start to experience calmness of the mind, the turbulence of day-to-day worries will simply fall away, and feelings of happiness and fulfillment will rise from within.
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What to Do When Words Hurt You (Just Like Sticks and Stones)
“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~Gandhi
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Do you remember this saying from childhood? It was one I heard often and wanted to believe. The saying states that physical acts can hurt us, but no one’s words can.
There’s nothing that seems further from the truth. Words hurt, and they stick with us far beyond the time of their telling.
It was in elementary school where my hair color was a joke. I was a carrot top, and my peers didn’t look kindly on this rare trait.
They insulted me with disgust and laughter, and I believed the things they said. I wished that I had hair like the other kids. If I were the same as them, they couldn’t say anything mean about me.
They also insulted me for being flat chested, stupid, a snob, and more. I let the words stick with me and affect my self-perception.
Fast forward to adulthood, I’m a quiet introvert enjoying my solitude. I’m not one to put myself forward. I’m not a snob, the complete opposite actually, but I’ve been called it on more than one occasion.
I learned to walk around feeling that in my solitude I was doing something wrong. I was actually hurt by these people’s words and judgments. The words hurt.
Or so I thought…
Here’s how it works: Someone says something to us that isn’t very nice, we hear from a friend that a co-worker has insulted our new hairstyle or personality, or we walk down the street and we see someone pointing at us and whispering.
Someone has spoken harsh words to us or about us, and even though we don’t want to be, we’re hurt.
We’ve taken these words and ingested them. They are now harboring somewhere deep within us.
We feed them with worry and anger. We contemplate the words, trying to dissect their meaning. We absorb their negative energy. Then, to make it even worse, we hold on to them, allowing them to fester for days, weeks, or maybe even years to come.
Why do we allow these seemingly meaningless words to stick with us?
We rely heavily on the support and acceptance from the people in our life. We feel the pressure to please those around us and to be accepted. We thrive on others’ attention as a confirmation of our own self-worth.
What we fail to consider is why someone could be using their words against us.
More than likely, these people are projecting onto us a negative belief or fear they have about themselves.
Perhaps they’ve ingested too many negative words directed at them. We need to take this into consideration before we allow others’ words to negatively affect our self-perception.
In truth, words can’t hurt. They are only words. The words cannot live without us feeding them with our thoughts. Without thoughts put behind them, they mean nothing.
It has taken me some time to realize this, and the way I did it was by becoming a sieve.
Let me explain what being a sieve means.
We hear and see things hundreds of times a day.
We hear a train whistle. We step on a leaf. We hear the words “thank you.” We watch a cat jump on a fence. Our days are filled with sensory input.
We take it all in at the moment, then we allow it to pass. We still may hold on to the memory, but this experience hasn’t affected us. We allowed them to pass right through us.
Then there are things that we don’t allow to pass: the judgmental glare, the insinuation that we ate too much, the lack of appreciation, the insult from a nearby driver.
These instances stick with us. We didn’t let them pass like we did with the cat jumping over the fence. Instead, we fed these experiences with thought after thought, dissecting and defining. We absorbed it all.
Why? Why do we hold on to some things and allow others to stay with us?
We think about and keep alive certain experiences. Some are good, like the passionate kiss we received from a lover or a simple smile from a passing stranger. Keep these ones that feel good. Let them nourish you.
But when you come across an experience that doesn’t feel good, be a sieve. Let what feels bad go straight through you. Don’t hesitate. Don’t let the thoughts or anger take over.
Here are the extremely simple yet life-changing steps to letting go.
- Recognize the bad feeling that comes from words directed at you. Here you have the choice to feed the experience with thoughts or to just let them go.
- If you are willing to let the experience go, imagine yourself as a sieve. Now see the bad words and thoughts pass right through you.
For example, let’s say a friend tells you that a mutual acquaintance said something negative about you, and you immediately feel hurt and angry.
You could spend the next ten minutes to a week, or even more, dissecting what was said and keeping it alive. Or, you could consider that it’s not personal—that the other person may have been having a bad day, or projecting their own issues onto you—and then choose to let it pass right through you.
I don’t know about you, but I think the second option would feel a lot better.
After some practice, being a sieve will become second nature, and all that negativity you once experienced will disappear and go right through you, floating away to be transmuted into something better.
Maybe the old adage is valid. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you—so long as you don’t let them.
Be a sieve and filter it out.
*This post is referring to occasional rude, ignorant, or insensitive comments, not ongoing verbal abuse. You can read a little more about verbal abuse, and how to respond to it, here.
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You Can Have The Love You Deserve If You Just Let Go
“Even if it seems like it’s taking too long for what we want to arrive, it’s better to stay with the ache than abandon the desire.” ~Danielle Laporte
Last week when I was in the front row of a yoga class, I moved my hips up and back into downward dog, and through my legs saw the top of my ex-boyfriend’s head. I hadn’t seen him in months, and I wasn’t really interested in having small talk with the man who’d crushed my heart.
He approached me, eyes shining, happy to see me. I, on the other hand, drove home, walked into my apartment, and sat on the bed for a good cry.
I cried because when I saw him, all of the love came rushing back in and because he didn’t seem to have a clue how much he’d hurt me. So I found myself considering reaching out again.
Should I write him an email so he knows how much he’s hurt me? Should I get coffee with him and fill him in on everything he seems to not understand?
My mind was moving into “fix it” mode, my habitual state. It’s a controlling tendency, something that has kept me in back-and-forth relationships for most of my life.
You see, I have had many opportunities to learn the lesson of letting go throughout my life. People I loved have died, friends have vanished, and men have come and gone. Every single time I have had the opportunity to let go, I have fought it.
We fight letting go because we’re afraid. We’re afraid of what’s on the other side.
First we’re afraid of the pain we’re going to have to face when we let go, and then we’re afraid that things won’t be okay. We’ll never find love again. No one will ever be as good. The pain will never stop. we’re unlovable.
When I was going through the devastating first weeks of my breakup, I kept getting the same message over and over again: You are being cleared out for something amazing to come in. Deep inside me, buried quietly under the overwhelming heartache, was my soul nodding yes.
I have actively faced my pain over and over again these past few months.
I know that to heal we have to be with our feelings so we can release them. I cried more than I ever have in my life. I went deeper into my darkness than ever before. I saw the unworthiness I felt and all the fears. I was braver than I’ve ever been.
Because of that bravery, I’m connected to my soul in a completely new way. Instead of just hearing it, I am fully abiding by it.
My soul is telling me clearly that it’s time for me to get what I deserve in life, and the only thing that has been holding me back is myself.
I have been making choices that aren’t serving my highest self. I have dated men who were not capable of holding space for a strong, passionate, big-hearted woman. It has felt easier to fall in love and to keep giving chances than it has been to say no and hold out for a partner who is right for me.
I desire a relationship with a man who I can deeply connect with. Who gets me. Who can open his heart as big as I can open mine. Who won’t run away because he’s afraid. Who can hold space for me to live in my power just as I will hold space for him.
I desire an incredible partnership that is mutual and trusting and loving and joyful and honest.
And I deserve it. I am finally waking up to the fact that I deserve that kind of love.
I am finally waking up to the fact that if I want to have that kind of love, then I need to do things differently. I have to listen to my soul and choose to give myself what I deserve. I have to allow that man into my life.
So the aching, it’s worth it. It’s worth it for a little bit longer while the right person finds his way to me. It’s worth it so I can learn more about myself.
There are times when it’s your turn to take responsibility, to be the one to reach out and make amends. But if you’re on the Can’t Let Go Bandwagon like me, you probably need to delete that email, put the phone down, and bring the focus back to you.
When we find ourselves reaching out for someone else, it’s usually a sign that we need to pause, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves what it is we deserve. Then we have to let go of the need to ask someone else to give that to us and give it to ourselves instead. That’s self-love. That’s self-respect.
We stay in unhealthy relationships because we don’t feel like we deserve anything more. We refuse to let go of exes because we don’t trust that someone better suited for us will come along. We reach outside of ourselves to feel better because we’re terrified of facing the pain.
The truth is that you can actually have what you truly desire. You can have the great love and whatever else your soul is yearning for. It just might show up in a different package than your mind is willing to accept right now.
When we have deep faith that everything is exactly as it needs to be, that the universe is supporting us, and that good things are coming, then we’re capable of letting go. We trust that it’s all going to work out.
If you want something greater for your life, pay attention to where you’re reaching outside of yourself. In those moments, choose to pause and breathe. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Feel the pain you’re running from. Cry if you need to.
Embrace the pain and the fear and the hurt and love yourself through it all. That is your job, no one else’s.
Do this over and over again until you find yourself more and more free. Trust that everything is exactly as it needs to be. Be patient. Stay with the ache a little bit longer. Something big is coming your way.
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What to Do When the World Doesn’t Get You
“Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” ~Pema Chödrön
For as long as I can remember, I have always been a little different, defiantly so.
I was that child who never liked cartoons. I was nicknamed “the little old lady” for the things I said at the age of five.
I was that girl from northern Vietnam who refused to change her accent and use of language while schooling in the south, despite being made a subject of ridicule for that.
I was the only pupil that felt indignant about having analyses of literature imposed on us at school—why did everyone have to think and feel the same way about a poem?
The feeling of being out of place plagued my childhood and early adolescence.
My disposition as an outsider deepened during my time studying in Singapore. It was bad enough that I found nothing in common with the locals, but I did not feel an affinity with other Vietnamese students either. Joined by origins and circumstances, we were supposed to feel a bond, but I only felt my difference in interests and values.
When I left Vietnam and subsequently Singapore, I did not know how I would fund my future studies beyond the scholarships I was given. But in my mind, the pain of feeling an outsider justified the risks. I left in search of a place to belong.
My sense of isolation became acute after university. I was probably more out of place in the investment bank I worked for than I had ever been in my life.
Although I was very open to my colleagues, I did not develop the kind of relationships that surpassed our time working together. At the same time, I became more distinctly different from my friends. They all wanted to get their first car, buy their first home, and start a family, none of which was a priority of mine.
Over the years I learned to make peace with the notion that the world did not get me. I was relatively comfortable with my difference but deep down, I never gave up on a hunt for “my tribe.”
When I eventually found my calling and immersed in the world of entrepreneurs who cared about doing good things in the world, I thought my search was finally over. Yet as the months went by, I once again became acutely aware of how different I was from them all.
It was then that I decided to look at the matter more closely.
It became apparent to me that my unreserved self-expression actually did not help people understand me; I seemed to have a different mode of communication from everyone else! As a result, I was almost always “misinterpreted” in early encounters.
With this realization, it was tempting to conform to social norms and expectations, just to be more understood. Yet I could not bring myself to do it. The idea of adopting “inorganic” behaviors for no good reason did not sit well with me. After all, I never offended or harmed anyone with my way of being.
This conflict of wanting to be more understood while being fiercely protective of my authenticity came up in a deep conversation I had with someone. For the first time, I was hit by the thought that rather than the world refusing to connect, it may have been me all along.
Could it be that at some point during my childhood I assumed that my difference would never be welcomed, so I built a self-defense mechanism that kept me from engaging and risking rejection?
That could not be right. I was always unreservedly open about myself. I had a genuine interest in people and an ability to empathize. How could these not have come from an open heart?
Yet my heart knew that it was more open to let out than to let in.
I used to feel that amongst the few, I bore the curse of being different, and in order to not get hurt, I would only let in the special ones who “got” me. From the lofty height of my proud difference, I filtered people as those who I could potentially connect with and those who would be unlikely to get me.
I had little patience for people who did not seem to be on the same wavelength. While I would still be genuinely interested in their stories, my intention to connect would be taken out of the conversation.
This filtering process continued throughout every relationship of mine. I remember being disappointed with good friends for remarks that felt off, and a part of me would be forever shut to them from that moment on.
I was doing to others what I felt the world was doing to me. I judged! The more new people I met on a regular basis, the faster my filtering process became and the more despondent I grew about making new friends.
I felt a twinge in my heart at this realization.
And then something hit me.
More compassion. Yes, I needed more compassion.
If I could listen with compassion to those I did not instantly like, I wouldn’t dismiss them so quickly. Then who knows, maybe I would find a connection with them on some level.
If I did not write off everyone who made an unwelcomed remark to me, I would spend more time trying to understand their perspective. Then who knows, maybe I would find that I had simply misunderstood them.
If I could have more compassion for this world, which works on bases so different from my own, maybe I would not see my difference as such a hindrance for connection.
If I had more compassion for myself, maybe I could start to believe that I, too, would be loved and understood for who I am by the majority of people out there.
If I believed that there was always a place for my individuality, maybe I could feel a sense of belonging anywhere in the world. If I believed that I did not need similarity for connection, maybe I could stop the search for “my tribe.”
I have finally realized that we are all different in our own ways, and what I struggle with, many others do too.
Making myself special and playing the victim role did protect me, for decades, from becoming someone else. But it also took away my faith in the abundance of compassion out there.
Whoever you are and whatever your difference may be, there is enough love, respect, and understanding for all of us. Will you choose to believe?
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How to Confront Someone When You’re Afraid of Conflict
“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict.” ~Dorothy Thompson
I used to think that in order to live a completely peaceful existence, there could never be any conflict in my life, so I would do anything possible to avoid it.
That included selling myself short, never sticking up for myself, and effectively compromising my value. That didn’t seem like the road to peace.
The odd time I did say something, it still felt like a losing situation because I never felt I actually gained anything.
Conflict scared me. It made me feel like I was a bad person or not spiritually evolved enough.
About ten years ago, it became apparent that I simply couldn’t maintain a functional relationship with my in-laws, and I was devastated. The relationship became only about conflict, and it was simply too much for me.
After saying goodbye to that dream of being part of one big happy family, I felt traumatized and fearful whenever I was faced with any sort of conflict.
Despite always trying to do the right thing, I have had a falling out with a family member, an argument with a good friend, and a teeny, tiny disagreement with a colleague that became a much bigger drama than it should have.
Each time I tried to learn from the previous situation and handle things differently; each time it didn’t work out for me. I was left wondering, what’s the best way to handle conflict?
When someone does something to upset you, do you say how you feel? Do you ignore it and let it blow over? Is there another option?
First, I decided to question my belief about conflict. Do I have to view conflict as a negative thing?
It’s impossible to be perfectly aligned with everyone in our life so that no conflict ever arises. Expecting that is just going to result in disappointment, or, as in my case, feeling like I was lacking in some way when I couldn’t achieve that.
Sometimes it doesn’t seem right to ignore things either.
When someone is out of line, do we have a duty to make them aware of their impact on others? When someone is being unkind to you, isn’t it showing yourself kindness to put a stop to it? Is potential conflict your opportunity for growth?
If you have a relationship in which you know that sharing your feelings is safe and the other person will respond positively, then you likely don’t even have to contemplate what you should do.
It becomes difficult when you feel unsafe, so you start debating whether to ignore things or tell someone you’re hurt or angry.
If we ignore it, we run the risk of the relationship with that person revolving around how we’re upset with them. We then look for any wrongdoings as evidence; that makes that story true and justified. Things can snowball, and then we can misinterpret everything they do or say in order to support what we believe.
Telling people how we feel sometimes isn’t a good idea either. (Again, I should point out that I am talking about situations where conflict has the potential to increase—maybe with difficult family members, certain acquaintances, or challenging friends).
If we tell people how we feel, there is an expectation for them to accept or at least acknowledge that we feel that way. That might not happen. The other person might not be capable of that, and things then escalate.
Instead, they might go straight to defending themselves. Chances are, the other person did not intend to hurt you, and telling them will make them feel bad, intensifying the situation. This is not the foundation in which to resolve conflict.
Fact and truth are different. Facts aren’t disputable. Truth is.
There is your truth, and then there is what is true for the other person. Both truths are based on perception, which can be completely different.
That doesn’t mean that one is right and the other is wrong. It means that truth can be different for everyone, because it’s influenced by one’s experiences, wisdom, and thoughts.
We expect to feel better by telling someone how we feel and then can blame the other person if that doesn’t happen, making things worse.
So, is there another option? Yes, yes there is. Instead, tell them what you need.
Defining what you need requires a bit of self-reflection, and that allows you to work through what is your ‘stuff.’
If you are angry with the other person and actually can’t whittle it down to being able to ask for something you need from them, then perhaps it is an internal conflict that the other person triggered, and you actually don’t need to involve them.
Focusing on what you need removes “should” and “should not” from your internal dialogue –”they shouldn’t be so insensitive” or “they should be more respectful.” It isn’t true that they should or shouldn’t be a certain way; that’s just something you want.
After determining how their behavior is affecting you, you can then discover what you need or would like to change.
The intention of simply asking for what you need is not to elaborate, but if the other person seeks to understand the situation further, then they might ask questions that lead you to sharing your feelings.
This becomes more of a conversation rather than a confrontation, because the person knows up front what is expected from them and they invited you to share your feelings; therefore, the dynamic in the discussion is different.
Sometimes asking for what you need results in creating boundaries, which are useful and essential in life. (But remember that enforcing boundaries creates separation, which is kind of the point. But if you don’t seek to show your affection within those boundaries, the other person may just feel rejected.)
There is no perfect approach to conflict; there is no surefire way that ensures both parties go through the process without being hurt or upset. And I certainly don’t think that we should never tell people how we feel.
What I am suggesting is that sometimes, in some situations with certain people, it doesn’t help to voice our feelings (and it never accomplishes anything), so taking this approach to only ask for what you need might be more useful.
Unfortunately for me, some of my conflict has resulted in me taking a major step back from certain people, which raises another important question: How do you know when enough is enough? What if there is continual conflict, or you don’t receive what you need?
If grieving that relationship is a less painful option than having that person remain in your life, then that is something for you to consider, especially if it affects your self-worth.
If I had asked my in-laws for what I needed, might things have turned out differently? Maybe.
If I knew what they needed might it have changed things? Probably.
If it didn’t conflict with my boundaries, then I would have accommodated their needs any way I could, had I known what they were.
I know that things would have been very different with my family member if I had just said, “I need your support; I want us to be closer because you matter to me” instead of just feeling rejected, dismissed, and criticized.
Or, if I had just said to my friend who would always cancel our plans at the last minute, “Can we only make arrangements if you are sure you won’t have to cancel, because I really want to see you.”
Or, to my colleague, who I thought was being insensitive when a conflict of interest had arisen, “Maybe we should avoid talking about this topic until there is no conflict of interest, but I really enjoy talking to you, so let’s just focus on other things.”
Asking for what you need, instead of focusing on the other person’s negative behavior and your feelings, is going to make it easier for them to respond to you, especially if you follow your request up with a positive statement.
So, next time you are debating whether to ignore something or say when you have been upset, try asking yourself, “What do I need?”
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6 Ways Gratitude Can Improve Your Life and Make You Happier
“I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.” ~Brené Brown
For the longest time I sought after happiness in the wrong place, and I wasn’t always leading with my heart to obtain joy.
I used to picture myself living in a big house, with nice things to furnish and fill the fantasy home I dreamed of.
I didn’t obtain this large dream home, and I’ve learned that it’s not important, nor is it what I want. I’ve been fortunate to live in a moderate home with exactly the things I need, and more—a happy, healthy, loving family.
Prior to gaining the wisdom of wanting less, I spent a lot of money on material items, because, one, I thought I deserved it on a good day, because I was “celebrating,” or I worked too hard not to have it; two, I told myself I had to shop on a bad day, because I needed to cheer myself up; three, I shopped out of boredom; or four, I went shopping as a social activity.
After collecting these possessions of “happiness,” I realized my life wasn’t totally fulfilling and satisfying.
In fact, I eventually became short-tempered, overwhelmed, and stressed out. I was overwhelmed with the amount of maintenance these material things required, while caring for my family.
My belongings took over my life, and, therefore, I lost myself underneath everything. I started to hate what I was becoming—someone who wasn’t consistently happy, and someone that lost track of what mattered most.
My perspective on life changed when my daughter came into my world in 2014. A few months after her arrival, I made a change that has significantly changed me for the better and brought more happiness by
Practicing Gratitude and Living Simply
Being thankful for the essentials—appreciating what I already have—has allowed me to live more simply. It’s also revealed these benefits…
1. You’re better able to be present.
Being thankful reminds us of what we have to be grateful for in our current state, and that helps us be more present.
I used to worry more about what I didn’t have and seemed to constantly strive for these things. That changed when I figured out how to be thankful for what I have and in the most important place—the present.
There’s no better moment than the now. Practice gratitude to enable yourself to be entirely present.
2. It boosts confidence.
When you focus on appreciating what you have, you feel less concerned about what you lack, and that can help boost confidence.
Now that I’m more accepting of myself and my life, I don’t compare myself to others and I take pride in paving my own path. It’s a great feeling to do things that are best for me and my family, without trying to please the rest of the world.
3. Being thankful means less worry.
Practicing gratitude helps lift away worry because you recognize and appreciate that you have enough.
Knowing that I have the essentials brings me relaxation and eases my mind. I’m also more at peace because I don’t add things that aren’t valuable to my life in order to avoid the stress they carry.
4. Gratitude improves your sleep.
Recognizing our blessings and worrying less enables us to sleep better.
It’s a rare event that I’m up tossing and turning because of stress or worry. If something is keeping you from falling asleep, think of a few thoughts that bring gratitude.
5. It also improves relationships.
Showing gratitude toward others goes a long way and creates better connections.
I’m thankful for my family every day. They’re my favorite people and I love being with them. Prior to practicing daily gratitude, it was easiest to take frustrations out on them first. Why? Because I’m most comfortable expressing myself with them, and they put up with me and love me no matter what.
Since I’m so thankful for my family, and because they love me without question, I’ve improved how I let anger out and make it a point to convey my love for them on a daily basis.
I want to leave this world knowing that I tried to give people the best version of who I am, with the hope that they know how thankful I am for them. Being around inspirational and joyful souls is contagious, and I aspire to be this type of individual.
6. Gratitude leads to generosity, which can be highly rewarding.
Observing thankfulness helps us identify how fortunate we are, which naturally gives us the desire to give.
I personally prefer not to give material things, as I don’t find it as rewarding as other forms of giving. Sure, it’s nice to give someone a gift they need, but I believe there is more value in giving time or helping a hand.
Time is priceless, and these days it seems our schedules are packed to the max. People scurry from one place to another, and at the end of the day, they feel stressed and dissatisfied.
I’ve discovered immense joy in donating my time or helping someone in need. It’s gratifying being able to help with something as small as holding a door open or as big as helping feed the hungry.
Discover the benefits of giving by helping a friend, family, or the community.
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Practicing gratitude has led me to greater happiness and a better me. The same can happen for you.
Allow yourself to live simply and make life less complex, in as many ways possible; remove unneeded possessions, stop doing unimportant tasks, or say “no, thank you” to an activity that doesn’t fit in the schedule.
Start each day with gratitude. There is always something to be thankful for—family, watching spring bloom, your favorite song, or feeling the warm sun on your face. And don’t forget to smile when thinking about these things; it’s a quick and easy way to fill your heart with gratitude and live in those extraordinary moments.
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What You Need to Know When You’re Considering a Big, Scary Change
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” ~Nelson Mandela
Ten months ago I found myself floating on my back in an outdoor pool somewhere in California. Overhead was a clear blue sky, leaves dancing in the breeze, and birds singing their morning song.
I felt more alive in that moment than I had in years. And so I made a promise to myself, right there and then, not to forget this feeling. I made a promise that I’d follow it. I made a promise that this feeling wouldn’t just be a three-month trip to a new country, but that I’d make it my entire life.
And that’s how I came to be selling the flat I’ve lived in in London, the UK’s capital, for the last eight years.
That’s how I came to be standing on the edge of something entirely new and uncertain and unknown.
That’s how I came to be on the verge of yet another adventure. By noticing something that made me feel alive and promising myself I’d do whatever it took to bring more of that feeling into my life, until that feeling was my life.
So here I am, sitting at my kitchen table, tapping out these words surrounded by the beginnings of packed up boxes, bags for the local charity shops, and the promise of a new life. The promise of a life made up of “that” feeling.
For me, “that” feeling is about nature, wide-open spaces and a large majority of my time spent outdoors.
And I’m excited, I am. There’s real excitement there. But layered up over that excitement?
Fear.
Here’s why:
Travel’s so exciting, right? It’s adventure and freedom and play and sun and ocean. It’s the romantic idea of exploring new places, meeting new people, and tasting new cultures.
Except, I don’t want to travel. I have no desire to travel the world. No desire to move from place to place. No desire to live out of a suitcase or a backpack. No desire to jump on the Bali bandwagon.
I want a home. A community. A base. I want to be around friends. I want some continuity. And I want a partner to share my life with.
And I have all of that. Right here in London I have it all. (Except the partner, that is.)
But what I also have is an environment that’s suffocating me. I feel hemmed in, limited, detached from my true nature. And I know it’s time to leave.
But leave for what? For where? I’m packing up my life and I don’t even know!
I’m afraid I’ll never find another place that feels like home. Afraid I’ll become a lonely drifter, never quite finding the place I fit in.
I’m afraid I’ll never meet my life partner because I’m unable to settle anywhere.
I’m afraid I’ll wake up one morning and find myself old and alone. I can’t tell you how afraid I am of being alone.
But you know what I know, amongst all that fear?
That without this next step I cannot pass Go, cannot collect $200, and cannot create the most beautiful vision I hold for my life.
The reason I wanted to share this story with you is this:
The beauty of your life is that you get to create it in any way you want. You can create the sort of life that feels truly fulfilling and deeply aligned in every way, but life will always require you to let go of something before the next thing is in sight.
If you find yourself stepping out onto that cliff edge right now, or making a decision to take that step, not knowing what the outcome will be or where you’ll end up, these are things I hope will help:
Sometimes you have to close a door before another will open.
I remember back in 2012 when I left my job to “figure out what I wanted to do with my life,” there was some confusion amongst the people I knew at how I could leave a well-paid, respectable job behind without any real idea of what I wanted to do next.
I didn’t have an answer for them.
The only thing I knew at the time was, “this isn’t it.”
Stepping into that uncertainty paid off. I wound up starting my own business, which I’m grateful for each and every day. And I know, without a shred of doubt, I wouldn’t be here today, doing work I love on my own terms, if I hadn’t made that leap.
And as much as I’m afraid right now, I know this is the same.
Sometimes there are ways to build a bridge between the life you have now and the life you want in the future. But even when that’s possible, at some point, you’re always going to have to make a final leap. And it’s that leap and the final letting go of what was, that opens the way for what will be.
To be reborn, you first have to die. To rise from the ashes, you first have to burn.
Closing doors is scary, yes. But I comfort myself with the knowledge that there are few doors in life that can’t be re-opened in some way, shape, or form. And the likelihood is you’ll never actually want to do that when you see all the new ones that open to you.
Other people’s fear is just that, theirs. Don’t take it with you.
To many people, selling property in London is equivalent to murdering your own child. It’s just not something any sane person does. Alongside my own natural worries and fears about my decision, I’ve had to cope with other people’s fear too.
I’ve had to untangle myself from other people’s thoughts about my life. I’ve had to step aside from the fear other people hold on my behalf.
After nearly four years out in the world carving my own path, this is something I know to be true:
Other people’s fear has nothing to do with you. Do not take it with you. People see life through the lens of their own experience and sometimes they find it difficult to see that their experience might not be the same as yours.
Don’t let other people’s fear hold you back.
Have courage and trust.
Like most people, I’ve lived through some significant, and often tough, life events in my thirty-three years on the planet.
In each of those moments it’s felt like I might not come through. Like the world might end, even. Heartbreak, most recently.
But every time I’ve come through, and I’m beginning to realize I can always handle it. That no matter what life brings, I will, in fact, always be okay.
As you leave the comfort of what you know, whether that’s a relationship, a job, a place or something else, know that you have the strength inside you to cope with every situation life might conjure up.
What happens if you remain where you are?
At the end of the day, I ask myself, what happens if I stay?
My own answer to this question right now is stagnation. And since I believe my ultimate purpose is to grow, I don’t really have much of a choice.
When faced with the fear of stepping into an unknown future, ask yourself, what happens if I don’t? And is that something I’m willing to accept?
Your answer might just give you that final little nudge you need to step into the void and find out what life has in store for you next.
And if all that fails? Well, just remember Oprah, who said there are no wrong paths in life. And Oprah never gets it wrong, right?
