Tag: wisdom
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Post-Traumatic Growth: How Pain Can Lead to Gain
“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” ~Shauna Niequist
It’s been over five years since the unexpected death of my oldest son. The first couple years were fraught with depression, despair, and a sense of hopelessness like I had never felt before. I even kept a notebook in my purse outlining the plan for how I would ultimately end my life.
It wasn’t until this past year that I told my friends about how close I had been to the edge. After outing myself, I found out they knew way more than I gave them credit for in that first year, and were often on suicide watch (despite the fact that I thought I was being so coy).
Recently I was talking to a friend about my “list.” It included the things I wanted to have done before I ended my own life (I’m a bit of a planner). Some items were practical things, like “clean the house” and “have the laundry done,” but it also included emotional things, like “write letters to my family” and “distribute special personal items.”
My friend roared in laughter (not the response I expected) and said, “I’m so glad Brandon (my son who died) kept having you add stuff to your list—you’ll never have all your laundry done!”
I had to agree, there was no doubt that my angel son, Brandon, had been scheming, along with my other friends, to keep my head above water until I could learn to swim on my own.
As horrible as those early months and years were, they also led me to deeper spiritual and emotional growth than I’ve ever experienced in my life.
For me, the loss of my son led me to find my secret super soul powers. For you, it might be a divorce or diagnosis that shook your world to the core and forced you onto the path of what professionals call “post-traumatic growth.” Yes, post-traumatic growth is a real thing!
Learning about this powerful shift that happens when we’re open to seeing the growth behind tragedy allows us to use these events to evolve into a better, more soul-filled version of ourselves.
Post-traumatic growth has an organic, innate quality about it, but we have to know to look for it or we might miss it.
What is Post Traumatic Growth?
Psychologists Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence G. Calhoun originally researched post-traumatic growth (PTG) in the mid 1990’s at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. The researchers found that 90% of individuals who experience a traumatic event exhibit as least one factor identified as PTG.
The five cornerstones of PTG include:
- A desire to be open to new opportunities that weren’t present or didn’t seem like possibilities before
- An increased sense of connection to others, typically exhibited by being more compassionate or empathetic to other’s suffering.
- A greater sense of self-reliance or sense that if you lived through that, you can take on anything
- An increase in gratitude for life in general and an appreciation for things that might have been taken for granted before
- A deepening of a spiritual connection or purpose, and this could include changing or realigning beliefs
Examples of PTG
You may not feel like you’ve changed in all these areas. It’s common to experience your PTG in one or two of them.
For example, I have a friend who became one of the first women to run the length of the Colorado Trail (486 miles), in order to raise awareness for Parkinson’s disease, after her sister was diagnosed with the disease.
This is an example of seeing new opportunities and developing an increased gratitude for life. Although I would guess there was also a connection to spirit during those long days on the trail!
When I speak on this topic I often share the famous icons of PTG—superheroes like Batman and Spiderman, who both were moved to act on their PTG after the loss of a loved one. (Okay, Spiderman had the added benefit of superpowers, but still!)
Or we could talk about the woman, Candy Lightner, who started Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). The death of her child propelled her to create a drunk driving movement that we’ve all heard of.
One of my most healing shifts came when I began to feel deep compassion for others who were suffering, and also tapped into gratitude for the beautiful life I still had to live and for the blessings that occur daily when I tuned in to them.
I have also felt a shift on focusing on what is really important in life and being able to let go of thoughts that no longer serve me.
Two of my other sons, Brandon’s younger brothers, recently took a year and travelled to Australia. They have both said to me they realize there are no promises in life and want to experience all they can.
How Can You Tap into PTG for Personal Gain?
The simplest place to start is checking in with yourself to see if you are stuck asking yourself why something happened to you. If you continue to struggle with a question that, even if it were answered, would not change your current situation, then you start with shifting from the “why me” to the “how.” How can you make something good come of this?
The next step is starting to practice. All the good stuff we need is labeled practice, not perfect—a meditation practice, yoga practice, gratitude practice. It’s no accident that what we need most we are told to practice, not perfect.
PTG is the blooming lotus flower in the mud. When we can begin practicing looking for the potential instead of being focused on the mud, our minds begin to shift. Our brains are wired to tune in to what we’re looking for. If we’re looking for the bad stuff, the bad stuff is what we see, and vice versa.
Remember PTG has an organic element to it, so to help you begin to practice PTG in your own life, start with the most natural shifts. When you consider the five areas above, which one to you feel most drawn to? Perhaps there is one that comes more natural to you.
For example, have you always felt a connection to spirit? If so, lean into your growth by finding ways to explore your relationship to a higher power.
Is a part of you that has wanted to take a trip somewhere, but it always felt out of reach or not possible? Why not explore how to make it happen this year? Life is precious; find a way to act.
I would also encourage you to begin noticing how others you know have shown PTG. Think of friends or other people who handled a crisis in a way that makes you take notice. What action did they take or how did they change themselves?
PTG has the capacity to take us beyond simply adapting to our current situation. It takes us to new levels of consciousness and being that weren’t available had we not experienced our life event or trauma.
Think of this as not just making lemonade from your lemons, but having what you need to create a decadent, gourmet, and sweetly delicious lemon chiffon cheesecake with a raspberry swirl topping!
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How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You
“If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo
Why won’t they call? Can’t they just have the conversation? What’s wrong with them? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Did I mean nothing?
Have you asked yourself these questions at the end of a relationship? I know I have. Actually, I was asking myself these very questions about six months ago. What do you do at the end of a relationship when it doesn’t really feel over or you aren’t ready for it to be done?
First there is the breakup. It doesn’t really matter who ended it, but it ended. Despite the ending, you are still bonded to this person. You were used to having them around, hearing their voice, getting their texts, cuddling on the couch. Then, suddenly, it’s all gone.
Sometimes you know why it ended, and sometimes not. Often, you wish you could talk to that person to obtain some closure and some sort of validation that the relationship truly existed and that you meant something…anything.
Why They Avoid You
If you have a habit of picking emotionally challenged partners (me—raising hand), who would rather stare at Facebook or play video games than have an actual conversation, then the chances of getting closure are quite slim. Sometimes you have to make closure for yourself.
What if they won’t talk to you? What if you follow all the experts’ advice on what to do after a breakup, and they completely ignore you anyway? I’ve had this happen.
Closure is something everyone would like. We would like validation and understanding.
We can accept that someone doesn’t want to be with us. We can accept that the relationship has changed or that they want something else. What we can’t accept is our partner’s inability to communicate that fact effectively and tell us what went wrong.
Unfortunately, sometimes your partner does not have this same need, or they may have the same need but they’re better at hiding it and pretending they don’t. They would rather just push you, and their feelings, away.
In my experience, people can’t always be honest with you because they can’t be honest with themselves. It isn’t about you. We always want it to be about us and our flaws and failures, but it isn’t.
Many people don’t know how to deal with the emotions that come with a breakup, so they prefer to avoid their feelings altogether, and this is the most likely reason they won’t talk to you. It has nothing to do with you or the relationship or something you did wrong or that you weren’t enough.
The First Time
I’ve dealt with trying to get closure a few times, and it’s awful. No one likes to be ignored, and no one likes to not get answers to their questions. But, what you have to learn is that any answer you get won’t change anything, and it may or may not be the truth anyway.
It has happened at least twice. One guy I dated off and on for two and a half years.
I wanted to leave him after a while because he would never fully commit, but for some reason, I couldn’t. So, every month or so, after the first year and a half, I would say, “Is it time to break up yet? I’m not really happy.” Every time he would shake his head and say, “No, no, no.” He looked so forlorn at the idea of me ending it, so I stayed.
But eventually, the time came. He was moving to another city, and I was planning to come visit his new place once he got all settled in. Then the strangest thing happened. During the moving period he started being super nice to me, abnormally nice, and I knew right then something was up. I knew he was struggling with trying to commit to me.
Of course he couldn’t, and so he ended things before I could come out for my visit.
I knew the breakup was coming, so I accepted it and wished him well. Despite the end of the relationship, he had come to be an important part of my life. So I called a few weeks later and said I wanted to be friends and that he meant a lot to me.
He said he’d call me later in the week. Do you think I ever heard from him again? Of course not.
I was devastated. I wasn’t really sad about the loss of the relationship (I knew he would never really make me happy), but for the friendship I thought we had. But apparently, we had nothing.
Like a dummy, I reached out to him again three months later, and he literally said the same thing: “I’ll call you later in the week.” I was trying to get something from him that he could never give me.
After that call I knew reaching out to him again would be a waste of my time and energy and would only cause me more pain, so I decided I would have to get closure for myself somehow.
When I look back, I realize I wanted him to validate our relationship. I wanted him to prove he meant what he said. I wanted to know I had meant something to him, anything. The truth is that I will never know, and I’ve had to come to terms with that. I’m not sure I have 100%.
The only thing I could do was to look at my mistakes and my behavior patterns and work on my side of the street, because I was never going to get answers or closure from him.
The Second Time
The second time I had to get closure on my own was with my last boyfriend. I actually ended things, but when I sent him on his way, I left the door open. I asked him to think about some things, and he said, “I guess I have a lot to think about.”
I figured I’d eventually hear back with a yes or no. I mean, isn’t that the right thing to do? Isn’t that what he implied? I thought so.
Apparently, I was wrong. Again. He didn’t call.
A few months later, after doing a lot of soul searching, I called and asked if we could try again. He said no. I accepted his decision. I was sad, but it was time to move on.
A month later he called and said he was willing to try again. So I tried. He didn’t. We spent a week together, then he left and I never heard from him again. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how he could never say anything. Not even talk to me. Why couldn’t he say, “I really care about you, but I can’t” or something.
Again, I had to accept that he is who he is, and he isn’t going to change. I knew this when I decided to try again, and looking back I should have known better. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t changed. I was hoping for something that was what I wanted it to be, not reality.
I’m still not sure I have 100% closure with him either, but I know that reaching out to him will only hurt me more, and I know that it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants. I can only control myself and my actions and how I deal with the ending of another relationship that I thought could mean something.
If people want to be in your life they make an effort. If they don’t, then you are better off without them.
Try This
If you are struggling with getting closure with an ex, ask yourself why you want to talk to them. Is it to get them back? Is it to get them to validate the relationship? Is it to try to get some type of reaction, or any type of reaction? Are you pretending that you really need to give back that t-shirt or get back that DVD you let them borrow?
If you are making up reasons why you need to talk to them, then perhaps you need to get closure from yourself. If they won’t talk to you, reaching out will likely cause you more pain and frustration. So instead, I suggest the following:
1. Write a letter.
Write one every day if you need to. Don’t send it; just get the feelings out there.
2. Write out reasons why they may be avoiding you that have nothing to do with you.
We all create explanations in our heads as to why our ex won’t talk to us. We imagine they think bad things about us, they don’t want us, that we weren’t enough, or that everything was our fault. Thoughts in your head are just your interpretation of what happened, and they are usually incorrect.
What if what they are really thinking is this? Do you think they are going to tell you?
- I’m afraid to be open and be hurt again.
- I don’t think I can give this person what they need.
- Being vulnerable is too scary.
- He/she is too good for me.
- My abandonment issues have triggered my unconscious need to be alone.
3. Unless this was your first love, remember that you loved before and you got over it.
You control whether you move on. And you can decide if you want to wallow in self-pity and misery, or pick yourself up off the floor and be the spectacular, amazing person you are and get out there and show yourself to the world.
4. Take your feelings and write them on little pieces of paper.
- “I am hurt.”
- “I am angry.”
- “I am sad.”
- “I am devastated.”
- “I am heartbroken.”
- “I feel rejected.”
Get a fireproof bowl and fill it with some sand. Put all the little pieces of paper in the bowl and light them on fire. Watch the words burn and with them, let the feelings go.
5. Be alone.
Be still. Cry and be sad over the loss. Accept that what once was, is no longer, and what you thought would be will never be. If it’s meant to be in the future, it will find a way to work itself out. Maybe now is just not the time.
6. Live in abundance.
They are not the only person in the world. There are literally millions of single people in the world. If you had love before, you will have it again. Stop thinking that you’ll never find someone else so wonderful. If they were so wonderful they would still be with you. They aren’t. They’re gone.
Think About It
What is it you are really hoping to hear? Do you think most people can admit their fears? Of course we all would like our partner to care enough to tell us the truth no matter how much it hurts.
There are a million reasons that relationships don’t work and tons of reasons why your ex won’t talk to you. Don’t take on their issues and make them your own. Realize that we all have insecurities, and not all of us can understand how they impact us.
I’m sure you would love for your ex to say, “You are truly amazing and wonderful, but I don’t think we are a match.” The reason most won’t say this is that they don’t want you to come back at them with all sorts of reasons why you are a match, so they’d rather avoid the topic altogether.
For whatever reason, your ex has chosen to cease all communication with you. The best thing you can do is take it as a sign from the universe that it’s time to move on, and that any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.
Remember this saying, “If not this, something better.” These words sound stupid and irritating when your relationship has just ended, but they are true for a reason.
We don’t’ always get what we want, but we get what we need. Change is inevitable. Change is good. If it was meant to be, it would have been, and if it is meant to be, it will be.
Unfortunately, life does not always go along with our pre-conceived notions of how things should be, and people aren’t always what we want and need them to be. Life isn’t always wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow on top.
Sometimes you get closure and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you needed to learn. Maybe you needed to learn to validate yourself and accept yourself.
Consider seeing this person as a gift sent to you. They were brought to you as a reflection of yourself. Thank them for being a part of your journey and send them on their way in your mind.
Lastly, if you are waiting for your ex to give you closure, it might be time to dig deep inside and give it to yourself.
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Why I Won’t Tell You to Stop Caring About What Other People Think
“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” ~Mark Twain
I almost didn’t dye the tips of my hair purple a couple years ago because I was so worried about what other people might think. While changing my hair color was something new for me, basing my decisions on other people’s opinions was not.
I tend to look to others for clues about how I should think and act. Sometimes this shows up in small things, like opinions about movies, music, or clothes. Even when asking big life questions, however, my first impulse is often to wonder what other people think I should do.
It’s a natural human tendency to want to gain others’ approval. We’re afraid of being rejected and forced to navigate life’s challenges all on our own. While we may have good reasons for meeting expectations, basing our lives on what other people think has its drawbacks.
It’s lonely.
When I change to speak and act the way others think I should, I’m not letting people see the real me. There’s limited benefit to people liking me if the person they like isn’t actually who I am. When someone connects with a pretend version of me, it doesn’t meet my very real need to be known.
It hinders self-expression.
When I base my choices on what other people think, the things I choose often don’t accurately reflect my own preferences. I live my life as generically as possible to avoid offending anyone. I miss out on showing others what really matters to me, and the world misses out on what I have to give.
It filters out valuable information.
When I give a lot of weight to other people’s opinions, I overlook a very important opinion—mine. There may be a lot of great advice out there, but I’m the only one who can decide what fits best for me. Repeatedly quashing my own opinion reinforces the belief that my thoughts aren’t worth as much as other people’s.
It limits growth.
When I look to other people for my answers, I don’t have to do the hard work of wrestling with my own questions. I don’t take responsibility for myself when I can more comfortably blame the person whose opinions I’m following. Instead of stretching myself to become more fully who I am, I keep squeezing myself into someone else’s idea of who I should be.
Constantly trying to meet other people’s expectations is a painful and dissatisfying way to live.
To counter this, a common piece of advice is to not give a @#$% what anyone else thinks. I have to admit, after the pressure of trying to please everyone, the idea of disregarding all those outside thoughts sounds like a relief.
Of course, it’s hard to make such an extreme shift all at once, but I’ve given it a try. I’ve tried showing up to social events without caring about what anyone thought of me, only to feel aloof and arrogant. I’ve tried talking about things that matter to me without caring about what anyone thought of them—but, instead of my vulnerability bringing us closer, I felt myself hardening against the people listening.
The thing is, not caring about what other people think is not the same as learning to value what I think. I can shut out everyone else’s thoughts and still be telling myself I’m worthless. The drawbacks of not caring about what other people think look awfully familiar.
It’s lonely.
When I care too much about what other people think I don’t have sufficient boundaries, but not caring isn’t establishing boundaries. It’s building walls.
In order to not care, I can’t let anything in. I can’t let anyone’s thoughts get close enough to touch me. Either way—whether my own identity is being overwhelmed or I’ve erected a barrier between us—we are not connecting one human to another.
When I don’t care what people think, I’m not mindful of how my words and deeds impact them. I act as if I’m superior to others. I may not even notice the hurt or inconvenience I leave in my wake.
A crucial part of relationships is knowing and being known, hearing and being heard. Imagining nobody cares what I think feels incredibly lonely. And let’s face it, if I don’t care what someone thinks, why would they want to be my friend?
It hinders self-expression.
It might seem like not caring about what other people think would give me complete freedom to be fully myself. This actually hasn’t been the case. Honestly, when I don’t care what other people think, I feel and act like a jerk, and that just isn’t me.
The truth is, my connections with other people are part of who I am. Making a difference in other people’s lives is a key ingredient to the things that matter most to me. It would feel less risky to give of myself if I didn’t care about the response, but that same lack of engagement would make my actions less satisfying.
It filters out valuable information.
Not caring about what other people think does make space for me to start paying more attention to what I think, but it comes at the cost of other valuable information. I lose out on what I can learn from other people’s thoughts.
Often the hardest to hear thoughts come from the people I care about most. The people who know me best not only have the strongest opinions about what I should do, but also have the clearest insight into who I am.
Although their thoughts aren’t always helpful, I’m grateful for people who have been willing to share an insight they knew I wouldn’t want to hear. Sometimes I need an outside perspective to help me see where what I’m doing doesn’t line up with who I say I am and where I want to be heading.
The thing is, not caring about what others think isn’t just about ignoring the hurtful. I miss out on the encouragement, positive feedback, and insightful challenges as well. I can’t just listen when people are telling me what I want to hear.
It limits growth.
When I build walls instead of establishing boundaries, I don’t have to get clear on my needs and preferences. I keep everything out instead of exercising discernment around what I’ll allow in and what I won’t. I don’t practice respectfully engaging with other people’s perspectives without sacrificing mine.
New possibilities grow out of differing opinions. I can learn so much from other people’s perspectives and experiences. They challenge me to examine and refine my own ideas.
Thankfully, my options aren’t either losing myself in trying to please others or living without any concern for how my words and actions impact those around me. I can care about other people’s thoughts and opinions without letting them define me.
The answer isn’t choosing between two extremes, but learning to live in the tension between them. I still often overcorrect, skidding back and forth between caring too much and too little. With practice it’ll become easier to find a balance, but I doubt the struggle will go away completely.
Rather than trying to decide whether or not I care, I’m learning to decide how I want to respond. Asking these simple questions helps bring clarity.
What is our relationship?
Of course, I can’t always care what everyone thinks. There are different levels of relationship. Some people just don’t know me or what matters to me well enough to offer relevant opinions.
On the other hand, there are people who want the best for me. Just because I’m close to someone doesn’t mean I’ll agree with what they think, but I’m willing to spend more energy considering the thoughts of people who have shown they care about me.
What is the intent?
While I can’t know for sure someone else’s intentions, I can consider whether they are trying to help me or hurt me. I try to assume the best, but it can be wise to disregard the opinion of someone who is trying to cut me down.
Even those who are honestly trying to be helpful don’t always have the purest motives. Sometimes they may want me to do what they think will keep me safe or bring me their idea of success. I can appreciate their intentions while still following my own course.
Is it helpful?
Other people’s thoughts are data to be considered. Just like my own thoughts, however, some ideas are more helpful than others. I don’t have to view anyone’s thoughts as the truth about who I should be in order to learn from them. There is usually something I can learn—even if it’s just that I can’t make everyone happy.
What do I think?
The real question isn’t whether or not I care what other people think, but how much I value what I think. When I value my own thoughts and opinions, I can also care about theirs without letting myself be defined by them.
There’s a difference between caring about what someone thinks and accepting it as true. I can listen to what others have to say and still make up my own mind.
Whether I care too much or too little, focusing on my response to another’s thoughts is still choosing to shape my identity in relation to theirs. I’d rather focus on learning to appreciate my own thoughts more fully so I can care about people and what they think without sacrificing who I am.
Do you tend more toward caring too much or too little about what others think? What do you find most helpful in valuing your own thoughts?
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Are You Showing Up in the World as Your Best Self?
“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.” ~Robert Kennedy
Many years ago, I had the opportunity to take a yoga class at San Quentin State Prison in Northern California.
I had visited the prison before, attending other classes, with inmates, on anger management and a class based on Bryon Katie’s The Work, but this was my first yoga class.
It was an evening class, which made the prison seem that much more foreboding, and the class was full of lifers. The inmates in that room had committed very serious crimes. Most would never again see outside the prison’s walls.
A man sat down on the mat next to mine and immediately struck up a conversation.
He shared with me that the class had changed him in ways he hadn’t anticipated, that the yoga and mindfulness practice was helping him see the oneness in the world, and the invisible connections between all of us.
He had also begun to realize the damage he had caused by taking a life, not just to himself and the victim, but to his family, his community, and that of the victim’s. The circle of people affected by the violent act and its outcome was ever-widening. He had been in prison for years but had never really considered all of that before starting his yoga practice.
He said that what he had done was like throwing a pebble in a pond that causes ripples, only, he said, his was like tossing a brick in, and the ripples became destructive, monster-size waves.
That man will never again see the outside of the prison walls, yet he is taking significant steps to show up a better person and make a difference.
He is starting with himself.
When you take steps toward becoming your best self, no matter what you’ve done or how you’ve felt in the past, it is essential to walk your talk, while recognizing that even a tiptoe makes ripples.
How, you may ask, can you become your most authentic version of yourself? How can you live your values?
Start to imagine tiny ways that you can make a difference in your community, and then translate those thoughts into actions.
For example, if you love your neighborhood, support local businesses. If you love the Earth, recycle and compost. When you travel, look into staying at hotels and participating in activities that are both eco and socially aligned. Those are easy choices that help you feel (and be!) aligned with your values.
Of course there will be days where you trip, and sometimes fall and scrape your knee (or just your ego), but if you do your best, your best keeps getting better!
Your next step after a fall: Brush yourself off and examine what happened and why, then continue on the path with this new knowledge. Each time, it gets a little easier.
Every choice we make makes a difference.
In contrast to the lifer whose body was literally imprisoned, I knew another person whose mind it seemed was figuratively trapped. He once told me that nothing he did had any effect on anyone or anything else in the world. My heart sank—for him, and for all of us.
The truth is, every tiny thing we do leads somewhere. Social change of any kind starts with the individual, with our thoughts, words, and actions.
What we do and how we choose to be present in the world impacts not only our own lives, but the entire global community. The interconnections of every living being are infinite and continuously unfolding.
From inside of the tall, unyielding prison walls, lined with razor wire and lookout posts with armed guards, the lifer I met in that yoga class was choosing to show up, contribute, and make a difference.
He recognized that while he was only one person and had severe limitations imposed on him, he could still create positive ripples. His actions translated into a better, more mindful life for himself and those with whom he came into contact.
We Generate Positive Ripples by Living Authentically
This event took place nearly a decade now, but to this day, his story has stayed with me, continuing to generate positive ripples in my own life. On the person I choose to be. On the way I choose to show up in the world. On the choices I make, the words I speak and the actions I take.
Over the years, I have learned that it takes so much more oomph to get through the day when I’m not living authentically compared to when I am.
Inauthentic living is draining and depleting. By showing up as the most genuine version of myself, I have so much more energy, time, and space to do more in the world, creating positive ripples near and far.
Whenever and wherever we touch the water—we toss a feather, or a pebble or a boulder, negative or positive—the ripples and waves travel as far as the eye can see (and then keep going).
What’s most important to you? How do you reflect that through your daily thoughts, words, and actions? How do you show up in the world…what ripples are you creating?
How do you start living authentically and create more positive ripples?
First, define your core values. How do they show up in your daily life? How are you living them and/or not living them?
Next, be present where you are. Each step you take on the path will bring your values more into light.
Lastly, continue on the path, even when you fall.
It may not happen overnight, but eventually, your values will equal your words and your actions. You will also recognize your missteps much faster as you live more authentically. You’ll then be able to correct them and continue on the path, creating more positive ripples.
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How to Feel Good In Your Skin: 7 Powerful Lessons on Beauty
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” ~Proverb
I struggled with body image for years while I was living in Europe because I have a very fair complexion, oily skin, and thin hair.
During my childhood, people would look at me and comment on how pale I looked and ask my mother if I was anemic. Later on, as I was growing up, people who met me would ask if I was ill, or they would say that I look exhausted, tired, and weak.
It was most difficult during the summers, when there was always a social pressure to get a tan, as I heard a lot of negative comments then. I didn’t perceive myself as beautiful, nor did I think I would ever, until I came to India for the first time.
In India, bright skin is synonymous with beauty (beautiful means fair!), and everyone complimented me there, telling me how beautiful I am, that I am “bright like the moon.”
They also admired my silky, smooth hair and oily skin—in India, they call it “glowing skin” and appreciate it because skin can get very dry, with the hot weather.
Indian women would ask me over and over to share the secret behind my glowing skin, and they wouldn’t believe that it was naturally so oily; they’d think that it must be some cosmetic product from Europe that I didn’t want to tell them about.
Suddenly I realized why all my Indian friends, who lived in my hometown back in Europe, would not leave the house without the sunscreen, why they’d always tell me that I’d be considered very pretty in India, and why they’d joke that I’d get married quickly there!
I was shocked when I realized how much money people, both men and women, spend in India for fairness beauty products. Some women even bleach their skin with hydrogen peroxide-based cosmetics. Yet, in Western countries, people spend a ton of money on tanning products and solariums to get darker skin.
I realized in India how beauty is socially constructed and started feeling beautiful in my own (fair) skin for the first time in my entire life. Or, I should say, I discovered how beautiful I am, with all my Western “imperfections.”
For last two and a half years, since I’ve been living in India, people who knew me for a long time comment on how I look much more beautiful now and ask me to share my secret.
I don’t deny that Indian vegetarian food and the abundance of tropical fruits, together with natural beauty products with neem, heena, herbal oils and sandalwood, are part of the equation. But I believe the major reason is that I started feeling beautiful and good in my own skin.
Here are seven things I learned that can help us all feel better in our skin, with all of our “imperfections.”
1. Beauty is socially constructed.
This was one of the biggest aha moments I had in India. While we may not be considered as good looking in our own country, in some other part of the world we may be perceived as a beautiful person.
In some other part of the world, our height, complexion, hair color, facial features, and body shape—things we might see as “imperfections”—would be considered attractive traits.
2. Our body is our home in this lifetime.
We should be deeply grateful every single day that we have a body, which is our home and our vehicle in this lifetime. We can do so many things with our bodies—dance, swim, run, walk, talk, sit, move, hug our beloved, smile, eat, write, type, pick up objects, work, paint, cook, be intimate with our partner, and so much more!
Instead of focusing on the color or shape of our eyes, which we may not like, we can focus on how fortunate we are that we can see. Instead of focusing on how skinny, thin, short, or fat our legs are, or how much cellulite we have, we can focus on how blessed we are that we can walk, and so on.
3. True beauty comes from within.
Although this saying may sound cliché, it’s actually true. No matter how many beautiful facial features a person may have, a sad or angry face is never pretty. No matter how beautiful a person’s appearance may be, if the same person behaves with disrespect to others, or acts rudely and arrogantly, people will not want to spend much time around him or her.
A smile can bring radiance and beauty to every single face.
An old wise saying suggests that our external beauty is often what gets people attracted to us, but it is our personality that makes them fall in love with us.
4. Stop the negative self-talk.
If we observe the thoughts running through our mind every single day and notice negative self-talk about our body image, we need to consciously stop ourselves and replace those thoughts with positive ones.
Telling ourselves that we are “fat like a cow,” “ugly as a beast,” or that we look “pale and sick” will do us no good. It will only crush our self-esteem and makes us feel insecure and less worthy.
We need to observe these kinds of thoughts and decide that we will not continue repeating the same old negative story over and over again; instead, we will embrace and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections.
It can be hard in the beginning, but the first step to letting go of the negative self-talk is to observe and notice these thoughts coming up. Once we become aware, we can replace them with more positive ones, like, for example, we can focus on what we like about our appearance, or what we like about ourselves that has nothing to do with our appearance.
5. Self-care is the road to self-love.
Self-care can help us feel better in our skin and our body immensely. Nourishing our body with nutritious food, good quality cosmetic products, and massages, and practicing some form of physical activity that we enjoy, will not only help us to feel good in our skin, but also to love and respect ourselves more in the long run.
6. Confidence is more attractive than good looks.
Imagine that you have a choice to date one of two people: The first is someone who is good looking, but very insecure, who doesn’t feel worthy and needs a ton of validation and compliments, who doesn’t feel confident enough to express their feelings toward you.
The second is someone who is average looking but communicative, funny, and courageous, who feels secure and good about him/herself and worthy of you, who makes you laugh all the time, and feels confident expressing their feelings toward you.
Which one would you choose? Very likely the second type of person, right?
7. There are lots of things we can do to feel better about our appearance, and feel better in our body.
Although we cannot change our appearance to the extreme, there are so many things that are in our control, that we can do on a daily basis to feel and look better.
We can wear clothes that resonate with our personality and make us feel more confident, we can do some form of exercise that improves our body tone, practice yoga or Pilates to improve our posture, get manicures, style our hair in a way that we like, nourish our skin, make sure we get enough sleep and drink plenty of water, decide to eat healthier, and so on.
Though we should do these things for ourselves, if we feel good in our own skin and love ourselves, other people will instantly start perceiving us as more beautiful and loving as well.
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Why We Shouldn’t Force Advice on People & What Actually Helps
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ~Stephen R. Covey
This is a post about listening.
I know it’s really unsexy. It’s a topic that’s like the sun; nobody looks directly at it. But you want to create deep and lasting connections with others, and real changes for your loved ones, right?
Right. Stick with me.
Think about your typical day. How often do you listen in a conversation with others without being fully present?
Go on, be honest.
You find that you float in and out of awareness. Certain aspects grab your attention, and then you key in. Other times you drift off and start mulling on what you’ll be having for lunch in an hours’ time.
At times you only catch the intonation at the end of the sentence, snap to the present moment, and suddenly panic-notice the other’s face. Okay. Her eyebrows suggest shock, and she’s looking at me expectantly, so this is a good bet: “Oh my! No way did that happen!” and then you shrink back and cross your fingers that it was the right response.
This is how we are. It’s the easy stuff, but we’re already on the back foot.
How about when someone you care for is going through something really difficult? As in, the kinds of life-changing dilemmas that keep them up at night—affairs, stormy or failed relationships, career changes, betrayal, death, those inexplicable inner demons that manifest into all their life choices.
When it comes to these kinds of important and deep-diving discussions, you may listen more intently, but maybe you have already made the decision about which course the conversation will take before it has had a chance to open out in front of you.
You find yourself formulating the end of the other’s thought before they have even completed it themselves, so halfway through their sentence, your answer is ready to ship: “You don’t want to do that,” you say, perhaps interrupting, “I tried it for months last year. It doesn’t work,” shaking your head in disapproval.
Or, “What are you waiting for? Call him back! He’s obviously interested!” And so on and so on.
It’s understandable. We navigate the world based on our learned experiences and personalized schema of how the world works.
We’ve made it this far; something must be working. So we are attentive for those things that fit in with our views and subconsciously dismissive of those things that do not—and we advise those we care about accordingly.
We do deeply want our loved ones to feel better, but we also want to justify the validity of our own experiences and our own decisions in life. We end up corralling, convincing with logic, until perhaps, finally, they reluctantly concede and we get that satisfying but short-lived dopamine hit from them: “I see your point.” Glorious!
Then why is it that we walk away feeling an emptiness in our gut? Did that conversation have any lasting impact at all?
In doing this, we may have the best intentions to help, but we’ve missed the subtleties.
We’ve leapt for the obvious answer but failed to notice it was a red herring, a distraction from what is really going on beneath the surface, or really just a mirror of what we had hoped to hear.
We’ve overlooked the cry for help that lay in the mundanities of speech, in that word that repeats, in that quick diversion from the sore spot, the dismissal of boredom that is actually, in the end, hitting on the truth.
There is a better way to approach conversations, particularly emotional ones, that is unlike this traditional way of interacting.
It will test your patience, your listening skills, and your ability to put yourself and your biases aside and care enough to pay real attention. It touches that part of us that understands:
“I don’t have the answers for you, my love, you’re going to have to venture within and find it yourself.”
It is a process of questioning called “guided discovery.”
Guided discovery has no set start, and the end is unclear. There is no direction and no specific outcome sought. It’s a process that allows the answers to lie hidden in the questions, where they can then slowly unfold by virtue of both people being fully present in the conversation.
Three years ago I entered therapy due to my extreme level of skittishness when it came to romantic relationships. On one hand I craved relationships and intimacy, but on the other hand it would fill me with a disproportionate level of terror.
I originally hoped my therapist would bestow me with a formula for changing my outlook and behavior and erase all my demons. (Not much to ask!) Instead, she grounded our discussion and connection in guided discovery. Over time I found a means to create my own personalized tools so that I could move forward in my own best and personal way.
You can engage this process anywhere, at any time, but it’s particularly effective in one-to-one conversations where there is a particular problem at hand, even if the other is unable to articulate or pinpoint their issue.
A particular tone will exude from a conversation that is grounded in guided discovery. You create it, and you will feel its qualities weave gently through the conversation:
- A full and loving presence in the conversation
- A listening ear that has a deep level of empathy
- The development of a trusting relationship and secure environment, which facilitates personal strength and courage to find a way through the problem
With this tone held throughout, here’s how the structure of guided discovery works:
1. Ask questions to bring into awareness information that is known and concrete.
Start your questions based on factual information, or observed and clarified from facial expressions, the tone of voice, and body tension. For example, “You sound disappointed. Are you disappointed?” This is to ensure you make it known that you are concerned and you care.
2. Listen.
Step into their shoes. Listen for reactions. Notice words or phrases that repeat. Seek clarity and unpackage the thought. “I notice you keep saying how ridiculous you are to think this way. I wonder, has something led you to believe this way of thinking is ridiculous?”
You do not need to lead, but you may need to help the other explore a thought in more depth. Be open to the unexpected, even if you anticipate a specific answer.
You should be regularly surprised if you are truly being open and allowing the other to explore their own thoughts.
3. Summarize.
Sometimes it feels awkward to repeat back what you’ve just heard, but it shows the other that you are deeply hearing and understanding them. It also gives you a chance to make sure you’re both in agreement as to the progress and content of the interaction, and to see the conversation as a whole.
“You think being in a relationship will make you happier, but you are equally terrified to turn around one day and find yourself trapped in a loveless relationship you cannot escape. Have I heard you correctly?”
4. Synthesize.
Finally, you need to synthesize all the information you’ve uncovered into a question or (series of questions) that allows them use the insights they’ve gained to find meaning in the original problem.
For example, my synthesis in therapy went more or less like this:
Therapist: “What would you do differently in your relationships if you felt less disappointed in yourself and you believed in the importance of love?”
Me: I’d probably be more courageous on dates and relationships, and not let the fear of being less than perfect stop me from being who I am.
Therapist: Are these things you could do now?
Me: I guess I could, even though it’s quite scary. I worry about being rejected. But yes, I suppose I could do it.
Therapist: Do you think it might make you feel good, to try to be yourself?
Me: It would certainly be less stressful and tiring than all this being on edge and running away. I don’t know if it would work, though.
Therapist: How could you find out?
Me: I suppose I could try to be fully myself on the next date. It won’t kill me, even though I panic! I might even learn something new, relax, maybe even enjoy myself!
Not knowing the answer herself, my therapist allowed me to tie my answers and discoveries together in a meaningful way.
The guided discovery process brought my coping mechanisms into plain view. It also provided me with an opportunity to test my beliefs and use my insights to think creatively about moving beyond my skittish behavior into a place of calm and love.
Four months ago my partner Mike got down on one knee and proposed to me on Primrose Hill in London, the place of our first date.
I was scared at first, but then time slowed down. I could feel the qualities of the guided discovery connection I had made, and the deep wounds I had uncovered and began to heal in the process. It gave me the courage I needed in the moment to say yes and step forward into his arms.
Slowly but surely, guided discovery enabled me to turn around my whole outlook on romantic love. Because I have experienced the effectiveness of this technique first-hand, I use it with others as much as I can, and there are multiple times in the week where opportunities present themselves.
Each time, it creates an inner sense of empathy, compassion, patience, and love that exudes not only outward to those I am conversing with, but inward.
It re-enforces the lessons I’ve learned and helps me appreciate the magnitude of the hurdles I’ve overcome and continue to contend with in life. In this way, guided discovery helps you connect and facilitate change for others, but you might also learn a thing or two about yourself on the journey.
As much as you wish to compel deep and lasting change upon our loved ones, it cannot be forced. Guided discovery allows the other’s story to be vocalized and heard from all the most important and relevant angles, and provides an opportunity for them to think creatively about different approaches to their problems.
Through this gentle process, change will then happen in its own time, facilitated through connection, exploration, trust, and openness to the unexpected.
