Tag: wisdom

4 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Healthy Relationship

“To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.“ ~T. Tolis

Relationships are not always easy. If you lack the tools to engage properly with a partner and cannot show up in a healthy way, you will find your relationship is ten times harder and most likely prone to failure.

I wish I had known these things when I first started dating, as it would have made my life much easier.

If you want to have a healthy relationship, you must know the following:

1. How to communicate effectively

My first love and I were together for four years, and our relationship failed because we could not communicate. I didn’t know how to express myself effectively, and I blamed him for all our problems. I never stopped to think about my part in everything and how I was failing to meet his needs.

One of the major obstacles couples face, if not the major obstacle, is the ability to communicate properly. I don’t mean talk. I mean communicate. What we often fail to realize is that we talk at each other rather than listening and hearing and trying to understand. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can communicate.

Communicating means you understand are able to express your needs in a way that can be understood by your partner, and that you try your hardest to understand them and their needs.

Next time you are with your partner and they are talking, try listening. Sit and listen, and do not try to think of the next thing you are going to say or how you are going to contradict what they are saying. When people feel heard they will be more open to listening to what you have to say.

If you cannot understand or refuse to try to understand what your partner needs because you are too focused on getting your point across and making sure you are understood, then you are talking and not communicating.

Do you and your partner talk at each other? Do you always feel the need to be right and win the argument? Even if you win the argument you could lose something much more valuable. Although you may be winning the battle, you will be losing the war.

It is a known fact that men and women communicate differently. The sooner we all accept this the easier it will be to stop being so frustrated and learn to understand each other.

Throughout history men and women have had to adapt differently, hence a difference in communication styles.

Studies have shown that women are able to use both sides of their brains at the same time while men can only use one side at a time. Men are protectors and providers, and their mode of communication is silent problem solving, whereas women are nurturers and we have learned to cope through talking and sharing of experiences.

There is so much that can be said on this topic, as it’s one of the main reasons relationships fail. Learning how to communicate with your partner will not only serve your relationship, but it will serve you in the workplace and in all human interactions.

One of my favorite sayings is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

A couple of great resources for anyone who wants to learn how to communicate within a couple are John Gray’s books Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus and Couple Skills.

2. Your love language

In 1995 Gary Chapman, PhD wrote a book asserting that there are five love languages. He insisted that if you and your partner speak different languages, there will be constant dissatisfaction and unhappiness in your relationship.

If you are lucky enough to meet someone that has the same love language as you, then great! But, if you do not know your own language and it differs from your partner, how can they know how to make you happy, and vice versa?

On the other hand, if you don’t know your partner’s love language, how can you make them happy? If theirs is touch and you don’t really like close physical contact, then you may not ever be a match.

The Five Languages Are:

Touch

Some people feel love by being touched. If touch is your love language, you require pats on the back, holding hands, cuddling, and having someone in close proximity to you.

Receiving Gifts

Others feel loved by receiving gifts, and not necessarily Tiffany diamonds. Gifts can be flowers or simple tokens of affection, something that shows the person took the time to think about you and pick out or make a gift that you value.

Quality Time

If you want someone to give you their undivided attention (even if for short periods), then your love language is quality time. You crave for someone to listen to you, uninterrupted. No T.V. No Phone. You enjoy sharing activities together, and the very act of someone’s company and one-on-one interaction makes you happy.

Acts of Service

If you like it when your partner helps around the house because you are super busy, or washes your car or throws in a load of laundry, then Acts of Service is your love language.

Words of Affirmation

Everyone needs words of affirmation to some extent, but if you need to hear someone say, “I love you because you are so special” or something that affirms who you are, and if you are highly affected by insults, then words of affirmation is your love language.

My last boyfriend’s love language was physical touch. Mine is quality time. I always tried to be there for him physically, whether it was holding his hand while he was driving, coming up behind him and giving him a hug while he was shaving, lying next to him, on the couch or even rubbing the back of his neck.

The problem came in when I told him what my love language was and he had no desire to meet it. If your partner doesn’t care about loving you in a way that you need to be loved, not in the way they need to be loved, you are probably doomed.

For more information and a test of your love language, you can go to: 5lovelanguages.com.

3. Your attachment style

There are three types of attachment. Attachment styles are thought to form from childhood based on parent-child interactions, and as we grow older they can seriously impact our relationships.

There are studies that explain how the difference in attachment comes about including those performed by American psychologist Harry Harlow.

One of his studies took baby monkeys away from the mothers soon after birth and placed them with “wire” or “cloth” mothers who gave them nourishment (they were able to feed from a bottle hanging on the side of the cage), but no physical touch, and therefore no nurturing.

Some were given nourishment from the wire mother, and others were fed from the cloth mother. The study revealed that even if the wire mother was the only source of nourishment, they would cling more often to the cloth mother, which led to the theory that the need for closeness and affection is more than just nourishment or warmth.

When these baby monkeys became adults, they exhibited strange behavioral patterns, including rocking back and forth. They also had completely abnormal sexual behaviors and misdirected aggression. They often would ignore their own babies until the point where the babies died.

If you take these theories and apply them to humans, the secure individual would be the monkey that was raised by its normal mother and was given food, cuddling, and warmth. Their needs were met in all ways, and they developed into normal functioning monkeys.

However, those monkeys that were taken away from the mothers and given only basic nourishment exhibited odd behaviors and were maladapted. By this theory, those of us who had parents who were present physically, but not emotionally, develop one of two attachment styles.

Of course these styles can run on a continuum, so you can be more of one type than the other. The good news is these behavior patterns can be changed with time and effort and insight.

Secure

Secure individuals attached normally. They do not fear isolation or being away from their partner. They are not jealous or insecure. They are able to reason with their partner when differences arise and feel secure in their relationships.

Over half of the population is considered secure in their attachment style (55-65%), and they will be less likely to be on the dating scene because they do not have emotional and internal conflict when dealing with others.

Anxious

Anxious individuals are insecure and distrustful of others. They live in a preoccupied state of push/pull and constantly seek validation from others. They are super sensitive to rejection and can become possessive or clingy causing their partner to push them away thereby reinforcing their distrust.

Anxious individuals usually had parents who were inconsistent in their attention, behaviors, and affection, which is why they are anxious when a partner retreats, as it leads them to feelings of abandonment and fear.

Avoidant

Avoidant individuals do not seek closeness with others. They are emotionally distant with partners and often create a false persona to deal with the world. They are able to shut down their emotions quickly and will be quite ambivalent if you decide to leave them.

Avoidant individuals usually had parents who were non-responsive, dismissive, and rejecting. They make up approximately 20-30% of the population.

Unfortunately for the anxious type (as I am), they are often drawn to the avoidant. In general there will be more avoidants in the dating sphere because of their inability to attach, which means they cycle through relationships quickly and are back on the dating scene more than other types.

I once dated an extremely avoidant man. It was exhausting even dating him. But, of course I loved him, and so I bent over backward to make it work. I constantly sought assurance. He constantly refused to give it.

What this relationship taught me was how to calm my anxiousness internally. Since I knew he would never do it, I had to find a way to stop the crazy thoughts in my head, and eventually I did.

There are also ways to learn to cope in a healthier manner if you are dating someone who is anxious or avoidant. A great resource is Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

4. Your personality type

Psychologists Myers and Briggs assert that there are sixteen personality types, which encompass all of human kind. However, some types are more prevalent than others.

Knowing which personality type you have helps you to understand yourself and your partner. There are too many types to list here, but I can guarantee if you take the test and read the results, they will be spot on.

Some personality types are a better fit than others, so why not add another tool to your arsenal? For example, studies have shown that extraverted women paired with introverted men are not a good match, and that partners who both share sensing or intuiting will be a better match.

I’m an INFJ, which is the rarest of all personality types. Because of my intuition, I generally need another N (intuition) type, and I would not do well with an S (sensing) type. Generally, I prefer extraverted partners because I like a little balance to my introverted tendencies.

Here is a free version.

I believe that these four things are essential to having a happier, healthier relationship, and knowing them will help you understand yourself and your partner.

If you don’t have a partner, knowing these tidbits of information will help you choose the right partner, not just any partner. The more you know about yourself and what your needs are, the better equipped you are to seek out a good match.

Just remember that even if you don’t find your perfect match the first time, it could be because that person is in your life to teach you something, and let that be okay.

September 1, 2016
Leave the Situation or Accept It

September 1, 2016
How to Stop Neglecting and Abusing Your Inner Child

“Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible.” ~Paulo Coelho

You’re probably an abusive parent. Even if you don’t have children.

In each of us lives an inner child. This child isn’t just a sub-layer of our personality; it’s arguably the real us, the deepest aspect of ourselves.

Like many people, I’ve been aware of the inner child idea for some time. I thought of the concept mostly as another way of explaining our personal sensitivities or the childish behavior we all are capable of at times. But it’s not that; it’s much more.

It wasn’t until I thought of my inner child in relation to my actual children that I started to appreciate just how important it is to really take responsibility for this child. I realized, too, just how so many of us mistreat our inner child. Abuse them even. And it’s changed the way I treat myself forever.

I think of the basic needs of my children. Sleep. Nutrition. Regular praise and encouragement. Physical safety. And of course, love.

The idea of them not receiving these things causes me a pain that feels almost physical. Sadness and even anger arise in me as their dad.

And yet, what about my other child? My inner child—the little me?

I, as my adult self, have just as much responsibility to him as I do my son and daughter. But I, like so many others, have outright failed in my responsibility to him as a supposedly responsible adult.

I have so often deprived him of sleep, made him go long periods without eating, and failed to keep him adequately hydrated. I have dragged him to work with me and pushed him so hard that he has burned out. I have allowed past girlfriends to abuse him.

And worst still, I have failed to tell him I love him. I have let him feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. Because I was continuing a pattern.

Like so many people, I had experiences early in my life that communicated to my inner child that he was not enough. For some people, this manifests as a deep-seated, almost silent belief, whispered into the ear of our inner child that says, “You are not good enough,” “You are not wanted,” or “You are not important.” Ultimately, it’s a feeling of being unlovable.

In my case, this came about from incidents of witnessing and experiencing abusive behavior at home, with my parents’ divorce when I was a five-year-old at the center of it. I later experienced a more subtle emotional neglect by my parents and had experiences with violence.

But experiences do not have to be this extreme at all. Simply growing up in a home where no one says “I love you” or having parents who never check in with us to find out how we’re doing is more than enough for a tiny person to develop these subtle but powerful beliefs. These experiences don’t even have to be at the hands of our parents; being rejected by friends at a young age can have the same effect.

When people give the general advice of “take care of yourself,” what they never mention is that if you don’t, you will be failing to care for a child that is dependent on you for safety, security, and love.

Here are the three general ways I make sure I live up to my responsibility as the sole caretaker of this child…

Provide the Basics

Just as I would never let my children go without adequate food, water, and sleep, I now ensure that I extend the same to myself.

Push yourself in your work and mission; live at your edge to achieve your goals. But don’t do so at the expense of your health. While it’s true that growth rarely comes from times of comfort in our lives, comfort and being cared for are still necessities.

Ensure you are getting enough sleep. Eat regularly and healthily. Stay hydrated throughout the day. It may not sound so serious, but frame it in terms of providing these basic needs to a child, and you will see how these things equate to essential self-love.

Give Them Gifts

Children aren’t “shallow” for liking to receive presents at Christmas or on birthdays. Gifts, in whatever form they may come, are a valid way of giving and receiving love. Everybody loves to be pampered and buy nice things for themselves. Don’t overlook the idea of buying yourself gifts or getting a massage as valid parts of self-work.

By gifting ourselves regularly, we train ourselves to receive. Many people struggle with accepting gifts and favors, and this often comes from an inability to receive love as a result of our deep feelings of unworthiness.

At first, gifting ourselves can feel a little shallow. The trick is to not put the emphasis on buying ourselves stuff—the giving—but to focus on the feeling of receiving. By allowing ourselves to open up emotionally to fully accept a gift, we are telling our inner child that they are worthy.

But at the same time, just as you can spoil a child, it’s important to not make gifting the only way of showing yourself love.

I have witnessed, many times, people trying to overcompensate for their self-love issues through materialism. So make sure you have the basics covered too, as well as ensuring you…

Spend Time with Your Inner Child

We’ve all known, or possibly have been, that child that grew up with everything. They had the nice house and all the latest stuff, but weren’t really happy.

Maybe their parents weren’t very good at communicating emotions. Or they prioritized their bickering over their children’s happiness. Or perhaps they were just straight up abusive.

A similar dynamic can occur with our relationship to our inner child. And so it’s important to develop healthy communication with that part of yourself.

Through visualization, spend time being present with the little you. Allow them to feel your full caring, appreciation, and protectiveness as the responsible adult you.

In a quiet place, you can envision you, in your adult form, being present with the little you. Maybe you are holding them, sitting them on your lap, or listening to their feelings and needs so you can meet them, instead of ignoring them, as so many of us do.

You can also spend time stepping into the shoes of your child self and take comfort in experiencing the loving presence and protective qualities of your adult self.

Feeling as though you were your child-self, allow yourself to be held and comforted by the adult you who has vowed to protect you. Feel the safety, security, and comfort—the unconditional love—that you perhaps were deprived of as a child.

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Treating yourself with this level of respect, care, and unconditional love is some of the deepest and most instantly rewarding self-work one can do. Start today and be sure to share with others this practice when they notice the positive changes in you!

August 31, 2016
One Simple Way to Be a Good Friend (A Lesson from My Childhood Dog)

“To be rich in friends is to be poor in nothing.” ~Lilian Whiting

For eleven years of my life, I was graced by the presence of an extraordinary dog. Her name was Jenny, and she was a black lab and springer mix with a hyper personality and an almost absurd passion for the joy of being alive.

She was a gift to our family from a close family friend, and she was by far the most life-changing gift we ever received.

While there are many stories I could share about her, there is one story in particular that stands above the rest.

Mrs. Johnson (name changed for privacy) and her husband lived across the street from our house. They had dogs of their own for a number of years, but as they reached retirement age, they chose to no longer have pets. What happened next is the story of a truly beautiful friendship.

Jenny was an outdoor dog (mostly because of my family’s allergy issues), so she had an unobstructed view of Mrs. Johnson’s yard and house from her doghouse.

I don’t know exactly when it began, but Jenny started to visit Mrs. Johnson’s yard. At first we thought she was just chasing squirrels or some other favorite canine pastime, but eventually she started coming home smelling like perfume. Yes, she smelled like Mrs. Johnson.

I started watching Jenny’s visits across the street. They went something like this: Jenny slowly wandered over to Mrs. Johnson’s yard, sauntered up to the side door of their house, and then she waited.

Mrs. Johnson opened her door, petted Jenny, chatted to her as if she was talking to a human, and then gave her some sort of treat.

Jenny would then lie down in the Johnson’s shaded side yard and hang out for a while. As soon as one of my family members or I came outside, Jenny would come running home filled with joy and carrying that familiar perfume smell.

Jenny’s visits across the street became a routine part of our life. Mrs. Johnson adored Jenny, and the feelings were clearly mutual. Jenny began to protect the Johnson’s property as if it was an extension of our own.

When an unfamiliar car pulled into their driveway, Jenny barked furiously.

When someone visited the Johnsons and brought their dog with them, Jenny would pace back and forth across her dog pen with a mixture of barking and whining. Another dog at the Johnsons was devastating for Jenny; she would not and could not rest until the dog left with his/her owner.

When an unfamiliar person came near Mrs. Johnson, Jenny would growl at them. She protected Mrs. Johnson as if she was part of our family.

As she aged, Jenny developed a significant stress reaction to thunder and fireworks. It was especially challenging for her because she lived outdoors. I used to bring her inside to help her calm down.

One year on the Fourth of July, we went to the local fireworks display. We had to leave Jenny loose in the yard because she would stay calmer that way. When we got home, Jenny was nowhere to be found.

We called her name and went looking for her. Then we heard a familiar voice calling to us. It was Mrs. Johnson telling us that Jenny was in her house and was doing fine.

Jenny knew she could go to Mrs. Johnson when she was stressed or upset, and her friend would be there to make everything all right. We never left Jenny alone during fireworks again, but we were so grateful that Jenny’s friend took care of her that night.

Toward the end of her life, Jenny experienced a serious illness. We moved her inside to care for her. She was very weak and could barely walk.

Mrs. Johnson came over to visit Jenny and brought her a small treat. Jenny wagged her tail with a weak thump against the floor and gently took the piece of food from Mrs. Johnson’s hand. She was too sick to eat solid food, so she set the treat down next to her paw and continued wagging her tail while looking at Mrs. Johnson.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Jenny was suddenly showing signs of new life. Mrs. Johnson’s visit seemed to have a healing effect that only friendship could impart. It was as if Jenny’s will to live had been reignited by her friend’s visit.

After Jenny passed away, we received a lovely sympathy note from Mrs. Johnson. I will always remember the beginning of that note because her words said it all. She wrote, “I miss my friend.”

Try as we might to define and describe friendship with words, friendship is really about stories. We learn what friendship is by experiencing it. We discover its power by watching it unfold in our lives. Written words never quite capture friendship’s true essence; we have to live it.

The beautiful bond between my childhood dog and my neighbor taught me that friendship has nothing to do with talking. Mrs. Johnson and Jenny never had a single conversation, but their bond was as strong as any human friendship. What truly matters in your friendships is presence, specifically your presence in your friend’s life.

If you want to be a great friend and you aren’t sure what that means, just be there. That’s it. Be present.

Visit your friend. Be there when he or she needs you. Listen to your friend. You would be surprised how many people feel like nobody ever listens to them. Just the simple act of listening can transform someone’s life.

Let your friends know that you are there for them by showing up when they experience tough times. Instead of trying to say the right thing, do it. Your actions are what matter.

Friendship is one of life’s most powerful gifts. Cherish your friends. Protect them. Be loyal to them. Treat them like Jenny would, and you’ll be one of the happiest humans alive.

August 30, 2016
It’s Okay to Stop Doing and Just Be

August 30, 2016
A Wise Person Knows…

August 30, 2016
The One Purpose We All Share in Life

“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” ~ Mary Dunbar

I sat staring at myself in the mirror.

All I saw was failure.

And for the first time in a long while, I cried.

All I could think about was having to get up the next morning and force myself through another day. Force myself to put on a smile and pretend to be happy. Force myself to act like everything was moving in the right direction.

I’d been putting on this façade for months by this point.

My fitness business was finally growing at a good rate after years of struggle, finances were the best they’d been in a while, and I felt like I was helping a lot of people.

Yet I felt stuck, broken on the inside, and like I was massively holding something back in terms of what I had to offer the world.

And in that tear-filled moment with the mirror, I knew I had to let go of the business and life I had worked so hard to gain momentum with.

I spent the next year trying to work out what the hell was going on. I suppose you could say I was trying to find myself, but the cliché-ridden nature of those words makes me cringe even now. So I prefer to say “working s**t out.”

I stepped back, traveled, sought connection, read, listened to podcasts, and dug deep into my soul for answers to questions I had previously written off as too time wasting for a busy business owner to deal with.

But a key question that kept coming up for me was “what is my purpose?”

I would muse on this for days, weeks, and months at a time, desperately trying to figure out the answer and looking for some Eureka moment.

Almost every book I read, every podcast that I listened to, and every video I watched all seemed to keep coming back to this question in some roundabout way. Each moment of consumption giving me more information on systems, steps, and questions to find out what my purpose is on this earth and what I am “here to do.”

I became obsessed.

And in that obsession I created confusion.

Who was I? What did I want to start? What did I want to talk about? How could I help and serve others without draining my own life force?

After traveling to various parts of Europe and South East Asia, connecting with others and trying to figure my own stuff out, I still felt completely lost. Like I was just wandering the globe, going from place to place without any reason, and simply shuffling through life with a black hole continually expanding inside of me.

I would dive into things headfirst and keep them going for a few weeks before deciding I was on the wrong path. Some idea would catch my eye and I’d take steps forward before getting bored and slacking off.

Until one day I had what I lovingly like to call a “f**k it” moment.

I just couldn’t take any more listening to other people tell me how to find this purpose thing that was supposed to be so great.

I’d gone from never thinking about my purpose, to being obsessed with finding it, to just getting fed up with it all. In fact, I was pissed off that all these other people seemed to be living “in line with their purpose” while I was left stuck and still asking questions.

It was like when you’re a kid and your weird uncle does that crappy magic trick, and you just want him to tell you how he did it so you can stop trying to figure it out and get on with your life.

Then almost as soon as I gave up trying so hard, things became a lot clearer.

And I started to realize what a poor, vague, nothing kind of question it is to ask “what is your purpose?”

Because, when it really comes down to it, we as human beings all have just one, universal purpose.

To create.

Think about it. We create thoughts and knowledge and content and books and podcasts and TV programs and websites and furniture and iPhones and apps to go on those iPhones and other phones to rival those iPhones and slightly bigger iPhones we call iPads and all sorts of other inventions and relationships and businesses and lives for ourselves….

We even create other human beings!

But we also create fear and negativity and judgment and perfectionism and evil and other bad stuff.

So “What is my purpose?” is actually a pretty poor question when it comes to the kind of answer most of us are really looking for. The answer to that is simply to create.

This brought a huge perspective shift for me. All of a sudden, I stopped asking myself the same question over and over again and expecting a different answer every time.

Now I had a new question: What did I want to create?

Screw purpose! Screw this elusive, intangible, nothing of a question. What did I want to create? And I mean really want to create?

No longer did I feel like I had to find this one thing that I was put on this earth to do. No longer was I searching for this magic moment that would give me a sign that I should definitively label myself as this or that.

All I had to start doing was creating something, anything, several things that would make me feel purposeful.

But this then posed another problem.

What did I want to create?

It’s all well and good saying to go create something, but if you don’t know what or how then it’s still meaningless. Surely, if we truly want to feel purposeful, we must know ourselves first.

So I took a deep internal dive again. Only this time, with this new angle to my questioning at the helm.

I wanted to look deep into the depths of my heart and soul in order to find out what was really in there. To peel back all the pretending, all the bravado, and all the BS so I could just know what was really going on in there.

I asked myself about my beliefs, my fears, what I love, what makes me feel passionate, what doesn’t, my strengths, my weaknesses, and what I would say to the world if I had everyone’s attention for just fifteen minutes.

I wrote everything down, even if it was uncomfortable. And I didn’t settle for superficial, meaningless answers.

But the biggest thing of all, the thing that opened my eyes the most, was getting clear on my values.

Our values are the very essence of who we are as individuals. They are what guide us when it comes to making decisions so that we don’t end up feeling like a tangled mess inside. And they act as our inner compass when it comes to what we should create and put into this world.

So the act of creating something that made me feel purposeful became rather straightforward.

What knowledge or skills or expertise do I have in my head and heart? What do I love? And how can I bring all this together to create something that helps and serves others?

Suddenly, discovering “my purpose” became inconsequential.

Why do we need this one, single purpose? The real answer we want to that question, the feeling we want to garner, comes from creating purposeful and meaningful things. Things that make us feel like we are adding to the world and like we are helping in some way.

But we can only know what we class as “meaningful” and “purposeful” if we take the time to discover ourselves and know who we are.

So, if you’re like me and have struggled, or are struggling, with this whole purpose thing, I invite you to just give up looking. Instead, try going deep with yourself on two questions:

1. Who am I?

2. What do I want to create?

Maybe shifting your perspective like this can help get you unstuck, as it did with me.

And it may enable you to go and create something truly meaningful, whichever way you define that yourself.

Now, I know there may be some people out there to whom this all seems a bit over the top, or maybe even irrelevant.

We all have jobs or businesses to focus on, bills to pay, families to feed, and general life stuff going on. Thinking about all the bother of creating this big, elaborate, purposeful thing may be pretty close to bottom of the to-do list for a lot of people.

But that’s the thing—it doesn’t need to be a big, elaborate thing. You could choose to create happiness, or connection, or laughter, for example.

Sure, you could create a billion-dollar company, an international movement, or a charity helping millions of people. Or you could create joy by volunteering at a children’s hospital, or by making it your personal mission to lift other people’s spirits when they’re feeling down.

We don’t need to go into this with an attitude of having to create something huge and entrepreneurial if we don’t want to.

We can garner that feeling in smaller, yet equally as significant, ways.

Simply bringing ourselves to the present moment and asking “What can I create right now that would make me feel purposeful and meaningful?” can be pretty powerful.

Start small. And maybe you’ll get hooked from there.

Because, after all, we are all worthy of feeling purposeful. We just need to decide what this looks like to us.

August 29, 2016
Big Hearts Bring More Peace Than Big Weapons

August 28, 2016
Don’t Underestimate the Healing Power of These Three Things

August 28, 2016
It’s Okay to Cry

“We need never be ashamed of our tears.” ~Charles Dickens

We have all cried, all of us, some more than others.

But today I am not here to divide us by the liters of tears we have shed.

Today I want to unite us because we are all the same.

We all feel sad, stressed, overwhelmed, scared, and frustrated at times.

Any stay-at-home parent would understand my frustration, my misery, and my overwhelmed days.

It has eaten me up on the inside. I have been staying at home for the past seven years, looking after my kids, with no face-to-face interaction with adults like you and me.

All I do is get three boys fed and cleaned (god knows, sometimes I skip the cleaning part). All I do is break up fights. All I do is clear the never-ending mess in the living room. All I do is everything for them, but nothing for me.

Some days I ask myself why I have decided to stay at home.

Some days I ask myself why I have been given such a difficult task.

Some days I feel that I’m not cut out to be a mother.

Those are the days when I sit and curl up my knees, with my face in my hands, shoulders heaving, and my two-year-old by my side, wondering what’s wrong with Mama.

And after the tears have run dry, I know I just have to get up and fight again.

For I know that if I can’t handle it one more time, I have tears waiting to release me. And that’s okay.

Today I want to let you know that it is not shameful to be in tears. That you are not a failure just because you couldn’t handle the situation. That you had been doing so well, too well, that is why you’re now breaking.

My dear friend, I just want to let you know that it is okay to cry. Just let it all out, my dear.

I do it all the time.

It’s the only place I can go to, shedding those tears.

It’s the only release I have, shedding those tears.

It’s the only thing I could do, shedding those tears.

My message today is that we shouldn’t be afraid to feel our feelings. More importantly, it’s only by feeling our feelings that we’re able to recognize the message they’re sending us and then make positive changes in our lives.

For me, I discovered that I needed to pay more attention to my own needs, that I needed to find time to pursue my passion, that I needed to find time to mingle with my friends, that I’m not expected to be only a mother.

I’ve learned that being a good mother doesn’t mean that I have to be around 24/7. Instead, a good mother is one that remembers to take time off for herself. No one is capable of being there for others (even if they are the people you love) without having some time for rejuvenation.

I’ve learned that the hard way. Neglecting oneself can really make a person lose all sense of purpose, and when that happens, depression comes knocking on your door.

I’ve learned that being a smart mother doesn’t mean you try to make it on your own. Being a smart mother means I ask for the help I need. Since I am currently residing in a country that is not my own, and neither my husband nor I have immediate family here, that’s meant hiring a babysitter.

Other than that, we are also enrolling our littlest one into a half-day childcare program in a few days’ time. I can’t wait for the few hours of freedom every day! All of my three children will be in school, and I am determined to use this time to pursue my passion.

It was only by feeling my feelings that I was able to recognize my needs and make these positive changes.

Cry if you’re hurting, and realize you don’t have to accept your unfulfilling situation.

The changes you need to make in your life don’t have to be on a grand scale. Simple changes to your routine may have a much larger impact on your happiness than you can imagine.

You just have to listen carefully to what you want and need. You have to listen carefully to what’s holding you back. When you can identify these two things, you can make a positive change in your life. I know you can do it!

Today I want to tell somebody, anybody, that if you see someone crying, please reach out to them.

If you see someone crying, please don’t judge.

If you see someone crying, being there could mean the world to them.

If you’re a man, it is okay to cry too, because only strong people dare to show their feelings.

You see, tears can come from all sorts of feelings.

Tears come from stress. Tears come from sorrow. But they make your pain lessen, make you look to tomorrow

Tears come from pain. Tears come from frustration. But you can get up again. You always have and you always will.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay for share your tears with others. And it’s okay to do whatever it is you need to do for you.

August 28, 2016
Why We Shouldn’t Rush or Feel Guilty About Emotional Pain

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

In July 2012, a conversation changed my life.

Prior to this, I had been struggling to right myself after a difficult loss. Several months had passed, yet I continued to revisit the same sad, angry place again and again. I believed the presence of these difficult emotions meant I was “doing it all wrong.”

I thought, if I could figure out why these feelings were so persistent, I could make them vanish altogether. To assist in the quest, I enlisted the help of a spiritual mentor.

I very carefully explained to him that, despite reading books, exercising, spending time with loved ones, eating good food, working, and indulging my passions and hobbies, the daily waves of sadness were still so strong it seemed as if I would drown in their undertow.

“If I am doing all of the ‘right’ things,” I implored, “why am I still feeling this way?” If I had the answer to this question, surely I could be free of all of this nonsense and get my life back to normal (or something close to that).

With the kindest eyes and gentlest smile, the man explained to me that the problem wasn’t anger, sadness, or loneliness—these were normal, healthy reactions to loss. The real issue was my erroneous belief that pain could be controlled with logic.

What the…what now?

Instinctively, I wanted to resist his rendition of my predicament. First, because my life’s work up until that point had been helping others “make sense” of their suffering. So, if pain could not be controlled, how could I help console those seeking pain relief?

Secondly, my shame filter translated his gentle statement into, “What’s up, control freak?!”

Shame does not allow for kind discourse.

Once my resistance subsided, I realized the guru was right: False ideology was preferable to being with sadness, anger, and loneliness, the end date of which could not be predicted or scheduled. Further, I just plain old didn’t like how I had been humbled by loss.

As the words left my mentor’s lips, something inside of me shifted. I did not feel angry, sad, or scared. A little annoyed, yes—sort of like a child being invited to part with her favorite blankie.

The predominant feeling in that moment was relief.

Once fully felt and accepted, the guru explained, emotional states will naturally dissipate over time. The determination to find out “why” was an unnecessary resistance to a tide that simply needed to ebb and flow on its own course. Thus far, swimming against the current did was doing little more than making my arms tired.

I set a conscious intention that day: to do my best to let the waves of grief carry me wherever I was meant to go.

It wasn’t all sunshine, rainbows, and Oprah Winfrey moments after that. In fact, it pretty much sucked for a while. But, after two or three months of swimming with the current, I felt more confident in my ability to survive the tide.

Anyone who has lived or loved has been privy to emotions that seem to come and go without explanation. I believe we cannot control how we feel, but we can control how we choose to respond to these feelings when we have them.

Healing resides in how we choose to respond to pain.

Here are some things to keep in mind the next time the waters feel turbulent:

1. Feelings do not have brains.

Logic cannot “fix” feelings because feelings are not broken. Sometimes we are lucky enough to see a clear path between our heads and our hearts. For example, when someone says something hurtful, we understand why we may feel angry or hurt.

There will also be times when feelings don’t make sense. They don’t need to. Whether your feelings have a logical explanation or not, recognize them as valid and trust that, when given permission to exist, they will eventually pass. (I promise they will.)

2. The presence of pain is not an indication of failure.

There will be times when pain persists, even though we are doing all of the “right things.” This does not mean that you have failed at anything. It just means you may need more time (see #3).

Failure is the voice of shame. Shame simply heaps suffering on top of preexisting pain. No one deserves this, including you, so try to talk to yourself as you would a beloved friend when shame surfaces.

3. There is no timeline for things that cannot be scheduled or controlled.

Give yourself time and take as much of it as you need.

4. Instead of fixating on why, ask what and how.

Shift your attention away from why and ask yourself what’s happening in the present moment and how you feel about it. Loving acknowledgement is the first step toward acceptance.

More often than not, “why” is a signpost for the inner child who falsely believes pain should not be part of life. Your feelings are a testament to your aliveness. The next time you hear yourself asking “why” you feel the way you do, I invite you to breathe, lean back, and let the tide carry you wherever you were meant to go.

August 28, 2016
Anchor Yourself in Peace

August 27, 2016
You Can Be a Good Person with a Kind Heart and Still Say No

August 27, 2016
Pull Them Into Your Peace

August 26, 2016
To All the People I Love…

August 26, 2016
5 Myths About Setting Boundaries That Steal Your Joy and Lead to Resentment

“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” ~Brené Brown

Do you find yourself saying yes when you’d rather say no? Are you inexplicably exhausted all the time? Do you often experience anger, bitterness, or resentment toward yourself or others?

I did too for a long time.

I’m a recovering people pleaser. For as long as I can remember, I desired to keep everyone around me happy. I was also very fearful of upsetting others.

Over time, I found myself doing whatever I could to keep others happy. In short, this meant saying yes to just about every request that came my way. No matter the day or time, no matter what I was doing, I found time for others by neglecting my own needs.

For instance, I often need time alone for personal reflection and meditation. But instead of starting my day with silence, I would begin my days by checking email. This would often cause me to start my day feeling stressed. At the end of each day I was often exhausted and irritable.

Over time, this path became unsustainable. By not giving myself the care I needed, I was much less effective at caring for others. As my feelings of resentment and bitterness grew, I knew that something had to give. I needed to develop healthy boundaries to protect myself and others.

Over the years, as I’ve strengthened my own boundaries and helped others do so, I’ve found some common misconceptions about boundaries that keep people from creating and enforcing them.

If you struggle with boundaries, it’s likely that you’re consciously or unconsciously harboring some of these misconceptions as well:

1. Boundaries are not needed in intimate relationships.

Every relationship needs boundaries to be healthy. Setting boundaries is all about establishing ownership over what’s yours versus what belongs to someone else. Boundaries may be physical, emotional, or spiritual. Dr. Henry Cloud, author of Boundaries, defines the concept this way:

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”

No relationship, no matter how familial, is exempt—that includes relationships with spouses, lovers, children, parents, coworkers, extended family, and close friends. This misconception alone is responsible for a high degree of dysfunction in our families and intimate relationships.

It’s actually rare for people to have boundary problems with total strangers or acquaintances. People often struggle with boundary issues in their most personal relationships.

It makes sense: those who know us best may use that knowledge to manipulate us. Most of the time, this happens unconsciously but it makes the reality no less painful. However, the solution is not to pretend that nothing’s wrong for the sake of the relationship.

2. Boundary setting is for selfish people.

If you’ve had loose boundaries for a long time and attempt to put some in place, it’s almost guaranteed that someone will call you “selfish.”

For some people, the idea of losing their power over you will cause them to do or say almost anything to keep you under their control. Others are simply unaware of the ways in which they were conditioned to view any form of self-care as selfish.

If you’re a naturally generous person, you may refrain from creating or enforcing boundaries for fear of being viewed as selfish and cold. However, setting boundaries is one of the most generous things you can do for others.

Boundary setting is not about being selfish; it’s about protecting the spiritual property rights of yourself and others. Because it’s not just about protecting yourself from others, it’s also about protecting others from your own potential toxic behaviors that may unconsciously occur when your needs are not being met.

In my case, when I did not give myself the alone time I needed, I often snapped at the people closest to me. This reality finally convinced me to take action by waking up earlier in the morning to spend the first moments of my day in solitude.

3. Setting boundaries means being aggressive toward others.

If you’re a sensitive person, this common myth can be an obstacle to setting proper boundaries. Boundary setting does not mean that you need to get in peoples’ faces, have nasty arguments, or display acts of aggression toward others. In fact, aggression is a sign of poor boundaries.

Setting boundaries is really about modifying your own behavior to conform to the reality that you are limited in what you can do for others. It means recognizing that to effectively bring your authentic self to others, you must care for yourself—not as an afterthought, but in a primary way.

4. Setting boundaries involves saying no all the time.

Undoubtedly, learning to say no is a big part of proper boundary setting, but this is not the end all be all. Learning to say no is ultimately about learning to say yes to the things that truly matter in your relationships with yourself and others. In other words, “no’s” pave the way to authentic “yes’s.”

It’s also important to realize that not all boundaries are created equally. Boundaries have different levels of permeability depending on the nature of the relationship and the individual on the other end of the relationship.

Boundaries tend to be more permeable when dealing with the people closest to you (quite different from having no boundaries at all) and less so when dealing with strangers. However, if the family member is highly manipulative then the boundary will need to be less permeable.

5. Nobody will like you if you set boundaries.

We resist setting boundaries to appear more likeable to others. If you’re a recovering people pleaser like me, you’ll be tempted to answer phone calls, emails, or texts immediately. You’ll quietly bear the lion’s share of the workload at school or in the workplace, and you’re probably wearing many hats as a church or non-profit volunteer. Finally, you can be counted on to take on any other roles that nobody else wants to sign up for.

If you’ve lived this way for many years, upending the balance can seem daunting. Besides, everyone thinks you’re a saint and you feel highly regarded by your peers.

This may be true, but it’s also likely that some of these people actually respect you less and view you as a pushover. Some will actively take advantage of your kindness because they know they can always get what they want from you. Are these relationships really worth protecting?

Free Yourself By Defining Your Boundaries

Are you ready to be free of resentment and bitterness?

If you’ve resonated with these misconceptions, you already know that it’s time to try something new.

Fortunately, there are steps you can take today to begin setting boundaries in your life. These include: clearly defining your values, learning to say no, asking for what you need, and making time for yourself.

Defining your boundaries will feel cold and hostile in the beginning. But if you do it with a compassionate heart, you’ll regain your joy.

And you’ll increase the joy of those around you.

Editor’s Note: Cylon has generously offered to give five readers free access to the Kindle version of his book Self-Love: How to Love Yourself Unconditionally. With this book, you’ll learn how to overcome negative thinking, grow your confidence, and transform your life.

To enter for a chance to win, leave a comment below. You don’t need to write anything specific—“count me in for the giveaway!” is sufficient. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, September 2^nd.

Update: The winners for this giveaway are: Melody of Life, Regan, Michael Gibson, Mary Banks, and Dylan Montanez.

August 25, 2016
The Apology You Never Received

August 25, 2016
I Am What I Choose to Become

August 25, 2016
5 Ways to Find Peace: Life Lessons from an 8th Grade Teacher

“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Good Morning, and welcome to 8th grade History with Mr. Bacchus. The first thing I need everyone to do is to take out your class schedule and make sure that it says Mr. Bacchus for this period. Is there anyone who doesn’t have my name on their schedule?

No? We sure? Great!!

Now I need each one of you to take a moment and thank whoever you believe in, the powers that be, or even the magic genie that granted you this wish, because you’re one of the few lucky enough to be in my history class this year.

Why lucky?

Because there is going to be a day when you don’t feel like getting out of the bed, but you will remember that you have Mr. Bacchus today and you will be up before the alarm goes off.

One day, your boyfriend or girlfriend will break up with you in the middle of the hallway, and the news will quickly spread via social networking. But when your friend asks you if you’re okay, you’ll simply smile and say,

“I have Mr. Bacchus today.”

I couldn’t make this up if I tried. A student fell in gym class and broke his leg one year. It was an awful injury, and he was seriously hurt but refused to go to the hospital. He said it wasn’t that bad. He had Mr. Bacchus next period.

This has become my first-day-of-school opening monologue as an 8th grade teacher. It’s a nice way to break the ice. I say these words with a sense of confidence. A sense of purpose and joy comes over me the second I begin this inaugural address to my students.

And it lasts throughout the school year.

My class has often felt like a beautiful symphony (and I was the highly acclaimed maestro), but in the midst of my father falling back into addiction and my ex-girlfriend moving across the country with her new fiancé, it seemed as if I couldn’t play chopsticks in my personal life.

My father has always struggled with addiction, but this was the first time I had to face it as an adult. This time around I knew exactly why he wasn’t answering my calls, why he was asking to borrow money, and why he was nowhere to be found for weeks at a time.

Likewise, it wasn’t the first time my ex and I had called it quits either. But somehow the news of her impending move across the country with her new boyfriend—two months after our most recent breakup—had a sense of finality to it. The curtain was officially closed once I got word of their engagement.

So I began going to counseling in hopes of finding my way, and one day my counselor asked me if I could “live like I teach.” Could I take some of the things that allow me to be at peace while teaching and apply them to my life?

This is what I came up with.

1. Be yourself.

As a new teacher, you’re told not to crack a smile and to be extremely strict at the beginning of the school year. This will help you “set the tone” for the school year and show your students who is “the boss.”

The problem is that I smile all the time!

So as I tried to fight my smile with the students, they often fought against me. Whether it was Ashley throwing pencils at me or Shailia composing an essay titled “Mr. Bacchus, the Worst Teacher Ever,” my students weren’t responding well to the person I was trying to be.

Once I finally gave up that lousy advice and started smiling, joking, and being myself from the beginning, my relationships with my students began to improve.

It was a light bulb moment. Improving my relationship with my students made me realize that I have to be my genuine self in real life too. I can’t be who I think I’m supposed to be—I have to just be me.

2. Don’t hold too tightly to plans.

The projector isn’t working.

The video won’t load!

The copier is down!!

FIRE!!!!

These things can happen at any given moment, and the best laid lesson plans need to be adjusted. I plan every week but know that it’s just a blueprint of how I would like things to go.

Once you arrive to school and realize the wifi isn’t working, you have two choices: You could continue forward with your lesson hoping the wifi genie magically shows up and the website you were going to use will somehow work, or you can change your plans.

Learning to be fluid with my plans allows my classroom to flow with a certain ease. If I want that same ease in my personal life, then I have to understand that the Universe has a way of turning our plans upside down too. I need to be able to adapt and adjust just like I do when little Johnny throws up in the middle of the classroom during third period.

3. Don’t get stuck on the negative.

I planned what I believed would be an awesome lesson incorporating a Nas rap song into our coverage of Ancient African Empires.

As I could barely contain my excitement, one of my students couldn’t seem to care less. He made unrelated comments, disturbed others, and left me feeling like the lesson was a complete failure.

Later that afternoon, a group of students were leaving the school singing the song I used in the lesson. I inquired about the song choice, and they said how much they enjoyed it and thought it was cool how I tied it in.

Here I was basing my perspective on one person while ignoring the reactions of the other thirty students in my classroom. How often in life do we only focus on the negative aspect and fail to notice the good all around us?

We can always find the bad in our life experiences, or we can choose to find the good. I try and find the good every day. The entries in my daily gratitude log help me to focus on the daily good, like the students that remembered the song, not the one who didn’t.

4. Each day is new.

My first two years of teaching inundated my life with stories about something one of my students did, said, etc. I couldn’t wait to run and tell family and friends about my adventures as a teacher.

As time passed, those stories became less and less unique, and I found myself looking at the days and the students as the same old blur. I had seen it all. The students, lessons, and days were starting to become a haze of gray.

My friends and family would ask for new stories, and I had nothing. “It’s going” became my simple response to the question “How is teaching?”

The reality is that each year I get different students, who will do different things, during each day of the year, every period of the day.

I have to be aware of how much beauty and joy lies in that variety and appreciate the newness of it all, or else I will become like so many teachers who have lost their excitement for what they do.

I try my best to see the newness of each student and each class every day because I don’t want to lose my passion for teaching.

I also don’t want to lose my passion for life. I’m now starting to see that I have to find the newness of each moment in each day so that “it’s going” doesn’t become my answer to “How’s life?”

5. It’s okay to laugh.

Theodore Roosevelt set up the National Park System so that he could conserve the National Booty of America. Yeah, you read that right. I said National Booty instead of National Beauty. The kids laughed hysterically and I cracked up laughing too.

The truth is, school is funny.

There are too many moments that deserve a good laugh during the course of a school day. I can deny it or I can let out one of the few things guaranteed to increase my mood. I have chosen to increase my health and vitality by laughing in school.

And also in life. Because just like the classroom, there are so many funny things to laugh at in this world! To deny laughter would be to deny one of the basic parts of pleasures in life.

Three years ago I was blessed to receive the “Teacher as a Hero” award from the National Liberty Museum. I would have never thought the things that made me a “Teacher as a Hero” award winner would also help me to emerge from one of the toughest times in my life a better person.

All I had to do was start living like I teach.

August 24, 2016
Like a Sandcastle, All Is Temporary

August 23, 2016