Tag: wisdom
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Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky
Have you ever thought that you could love someone enough to make everything work?
Have you been in a relationship where you knew you weren’t really happy, but you kept saying, “But I love him/her. Isn’t that enough?”
I know how it feels to believe this. I have felt this more times than I care to admit. The worst was when I fell in love with my ex-husband. He was twelve years my junior, from another country (Greece), and barely spoke English.
Our souls connected immediately, and I fell in love with him. What was I thinking? We had nothing in common. He was not ready financially or emotionally. We could not communicate. Our cultures were different. But I was in love, and shouldn’t that have been enough?
It wasn’t only my ex-husband that I had this problem with. Every relationship I’ve had was fatally flawed. They weren’t flawed because I chose bad, evil men. They were flawed because I fell in love with character and not with our compatibility or their ability to contribute to my happiness.
I fell in love with these men because of who they were, not how they made me feel. Yes, they were kind. Yes, they were ethical. Yes, they were attractive. But not one of them really listened to me. Not one of them treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread.
Still, I stayed. I kept trying and trying. I kept thinking that if I were enough they would care more. I kept thinking if I gave more they would understand I was doing everything to make them happy, and in return they would want to make me happy.
I stayed hoping some miracle of all miracles would happen, because I loved them and shouldn’t love be enough?
Unfortunately, it isn’t. It never will be. Just loving someone isn’t enough.
So, whether you are in a relationship that you are unsure of right now or if you are just venturing into the dating world, ask yourself these things before you settle down.
1. How do you feel about yourself when you’re around them?
When you’re around them do you feel content and accepted, or do you feel anxious and misunderstood? Sometimes our relationships can be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, so be careful not to push your judgment of yourself onto your partner.
Determine whether these feelings arise out of their treatment of you, or whether they are insecurities you have no matter who you are with.
Some people are just a better match for us than others. I’m someone who likes to talk and connect on a deep, emotional level. Unfortunately, I have a habit of choosing partners who don’t like to talk and don’t like to connect, so I always end up feeling alone and misunderstood. There was nothing wrong with them; we just weren’t a good match.
2. Are my needs equal in importance to their own?
When you tell your partner something is important to you, how do they react? If you tell your partner, “I really need to spend quality time with you because it makes me feel special,” and they don’t understand what that means and don’t want to know, then perhaps you are not right for each other.
Relationships take two equal parts. If you make your partner’s needs important, then your partner has to do the same or you are in a lopsided relationship and you will never be fulfilled.
I remember one time I came home from an extremely stressful week/month at work, and I really needed to vent. I started talking to my then husband. To this day I remember him saying to me, “Carrie. Carrie. I am not your girlfriend. If you want to talk, call Tracy.”
What could I do with that? If my own husband doesn’t want to talk to me and doesn’t care about my day or that I’m stressed, where can we go? Yes, you can guess where we went. We went to divorce court.
3. Are their core values in line with mine?
We all have core principles and values that we live by. These are different for each of us. However, if your partner does not have the same values you have, then there is likely to be trouble in paradise as time marches on. Core values are things you must have in a partner.
Core values include:
- Religion
- The desire to have children
- How you deal with money
- Integrity
- Fidelity
- Family
- Health
For example, I’m insanely ethical. I was born this way. I can’t explain it. No one wants a cheater or a liar, but many times people cheat and lie and explain it away or justify it. This is completely incompatible with my sense of self, and something I could never accept in a partner. I was drawn to my last boyfriend because of his ethical principles. He was highly actuated in this area and it made me extremely attracted to him because of it.
Some of these things change over time, and sometimes not. Some people can become more religious or decide they want children. It is possible to change the way you view and handle money.
Deeply ingrained core values are not likely to change. If the person you are with is not family-oriented and doesn’t want to be, and you have a huge conflict, you are setting yourself up for trouble. If you want children and s/he doesn’t and never will, then stop trying to make it something it isn’t just because you love him.
4. Do they want to know me? The real me?
I believe everyone has different comfort levels in regard to vulnerability. Some people crave intense emotional intimacy, and some do not.
My parents were married for thirty-four years, and I often wonder how much they really knew each other. They were happy and content, but at times it seemed like a surface relationship because neither was willing to show the other their true self. I don’t judge them because that is what they were capable of. For me though, I want and need more.
Are you capable of showing your partner who you really are on your darkest days? Do they want to know? Do you feel accepted and understood for all your quirkiness and irrationality or whatever your personality traits are?
If not, then you may be left perpetually dissatisfied, and over time the relationship will probably erode itself away, or you will be drawn to someone else you think does want to know you and does accept you. Honestly, this is probably where most affairs start.
5. Is my life better with them in it?
Is your partner an asset or a hindrance? Do they support you or suck the life out of you? Do they want you to reach your goals and your dreams, or do they put you down and make you feel like you can’t or won’t accomplish anything?
A partner should be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, and if they aren’t put them on the bench and find a new player. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t believe in you. Don’t take this to mean you should be able to do whatever you want and they should accept it. What it means is you should feel content and supported and loved with this person in your life.
Days should not be filled with angst, fights, conflict, or division. If your days are not happy the majority of the time, then ask yourself why. What are you contributing to the unhappiness? Fix your side of the street and see if anything changes. If not, you may need to rethink why you are with them.
What Do I Want?
Don’t ask these questions just once. Ask them over and over. Ask them in one month. Ask them in six months. Ask them in six years. As much as you love them, and as much as you think they may love you, if they can’t meet your needs, and don’t want to meet them, then you are wasting your time and wasting precious moments of your life.
There are many wonderful, kind people out there, but that doesn’t make them right for you. Just because you love them doesn’t mean you can be happy with them.
Don’t waste years on someone because “you love them.” Every day is a choice. Choose your own happiness, and in doing so you will choose love rather than it choosing you.
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How to Avoid End-of-Life Regret: Stop Giving Your Life Away
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown
Do you ever wonder what life is all about? You may wake up day after day and go to a job you can barely stand. You might be in an unsatisfying relationship that’s on its last breath, yet you can’t seem to let it go.
Maybe you spend more money than you have, or you eat or drink too much because it’s the only thing that distracts you from your misery. Whatever the distraction, you know you are unhappy, but powerless to know what to do about it.
In my early twenties, I had finished college and was working at my first “real” job. My graduation allowed me to become commissioned as an officer in the Army National Guard. Most importantly, and best of all, I was in love. I was on a personal and professional trajectory and right in line with societal norms.
The next step in my carefully predicted life was marriage and a family. My life was unfolding before me like I thought it should, and I was content to ignore the gnawing discontent that had been quietly eating away at my insides, for as long as I could remember.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, when the “love of my life” brought our relationship to a screeching halt, I was devastated. Like, I wanted to die, devastated.
My body froze in time, and I was unable to move with any sense of direction or intention. I was lost, as grief washed over me in relentless waves, threatening to drown me. Life had thrown me overboard, and I was not wearing a life vest.
The truth is, all those overwhelming feelings had less to do with him and more to do with feelings that had been living inside of me long before he came along. He just reminded me they were there.
Do you know the feeling? The feeling of the bottom completely falling out of your world, leaving you with nothing to stand on? That relationship was not my destiny, but it would turn out to be a critical turning point in my life.
Obviously, I did not die. After crying countless tears and dragging myself out of bed every morning for a few months, wondering what I was doing with my life, I made a decision.
I had four months of Officers training to complete at Ft. Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas, so I decided it was time to fulfill that commitment. So for four months I worked hard, played hard, made some fantastic new friends, and got paid for it all.
Something unexpected happened. An unfamiliar feeling of lightheartedness began to possess my body, and my eyes were opened to the seriousness with which I had been living my life.
I had no idea how burdened I had been feeling, having rarely known anything else. I realized that I had not been living the life I wanted. I was living the life expected of me, or at least what I thought was expected of me.
When my time in Texas came to an end, the thought of returning home wrenched my gut with dread. The feeling was in stark contrast to the lightheartedness I had been feeling. This got my attention.
Something had changed, and I could not return to life as I had known it. What I had not yet realized was that it was me that was changing.
I was discontent in all areas of my life, and that relationship helped me avoid it. It wasn’t until the breakup that I was forced to take notice.
I was barely twenty-four years old, and I was miserable. So despite opposition and my own anxiety, I stopped complying with my perception of societal expectations and I started to follow my gut. I followed my feelings.
I wanted to travel. Some said I was running away from things; nonetheless, I believed, instead, that I was running towards something. I had come to realize there were a multitude of voices in my head all vying for my attention.
Family, friends, religion, and society were all scrambling for possession of my mind, and I had been trying to live my life the way I thought I should.
I honestly did not know what I wanted, so used to pleasing others first. At that moment in time, what I did know is what I didn’t want. I did not want to go back home.
So I planned a trip with my youngest sister. We spent two and a half fabulous, fun, carefree months traveling and exploring the western U.S., camping and backpacking.
While in California I met a woman who had backpacked Europe, and I knew immediately that was to be my next trip. After my western U.S. exploration was done, I returned home to plan a trip to Europe.
After a couple months of planning, I traveled alone to Europe, where I spent four months backpacking Western Europe, the Mediterranean countries, and Egypt. All because I began to listen to my gut, to my feelings and desires, rather than all the voices in my head telling me what I should do.
As I stood alone on a street corner in London on the cold December day that I landed there, I was ecstatic. Cell phones were barely in existence, and no one could reach me. I was completely on my own and ready to find out what kind of grit I had, and I was amazed at how good it felt. I was amazed at how good I felt!
I was learning that taking care of myself and making decisions for my life based on what was right for me, rather than others, was a priority. I don’t mean that in an irresponsible, indifferent way. I mean it in a “this is my life and I get to live it my way” kind of way.
So, as it turned out, the ending of the relationship that I thought would last forever was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Not because he was a bad guy or would have made a lousy husband, but because his ending the relationship woke me up.
It was not his job to be my “happily ever after.” It was mine and his leaving forced me to begin to figure that out.
Many of us expect others to make us happy and to fulfill our dreams, never knowing that we have the ability to do it for ourselves. Trust me when I tell you, you will be most happy and most contented when you do. Your relationships will be healthier when you do.
Here’s the hard part: It means taking a chance. Maybe risking failure, maybe finding success. Likely feeling very uncomfortable—at least for a little while. But if we don’t try, we will never know. We will never grow.
It can be difficult to make decisions that go against the grain, especially if we anticipate being rejected by or disappointing to someone close to us. I know, I lived it. Hard as it was, it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I also know that to live your life pleasing someone else, or following what mainstream society dictates you do, will leave you doing things you do not want to do and feeling ways you do not want to feel.
Societal and family systems will pigeonhole us if we let them. We internalize limits based on what we have been told or taught. The key is to question what you have been told or taught. You get to decide if it is true for your life. It can be scary, I understand that. Do it anyway.
Keep what works for you and get rid of the rest. The limits we face are usually the ones we place on ourselves. We can blame no one else if our life is unsatisfying. Take small steps, but take a step.
The consequences of a life given away are greater than the consequences of living life on our terms. In other words, when we live life on our terms, we gain more than we lose. Period.
I came to further understand how important that was years ago, while working as a hospice nurse. That work became my teacher, as I recognized very quickly who had lived a fulfilling life and who had not.
It was easy to see the peace and acceptance of the contented and fulfilled, which highlighted the sad and painful turmoil of those with regrets.
Those most at peace were the ones who had faced their fears, who’d taken chances, while risking losing. Those in turmoil had avoided themselves, their pain, their fears, and their dreams. They stayed safe or distant and disconnected and regretted it in the end. They suffered as a result.
Life is an invitation to grow and to make a difference. You are important. You are needed. Don’t be the one dying with regret. Do not waste another minute being afraid to break out of your rut. Take a chance!
Discover your passions. What makes you come alive? What gets you excited? What do you want? What is your gut telling you to do and what are the fears holding you back? Whose life is it?
It’s your life. Live it!
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When Things Don’t Work Out: Who Knows If It’s Good or Bad?
“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins
I recently received a rejection letter for a voluntary role befriending and supporting a child in the care system. I was excited at the prospect of supporting a child who had likely been through a lot, and had been quietly confident that I would be great in the role.
After all, I am an emotionally responsible, fun-loving, deeply caring adult who had lived through a ton of difficulty: addiction and alcoholism (my own and my mother’s); growing up in a single parent household; not meeting my biological dad properly until I was fourteen years old; self-harm, self-hatred, and overwhelming, toxic shame, which I have transformed into courage, confidence, and a powerful calling to be of service to others.
I felt my stomach knot up as I read, “Some of the information you share online could be confusing for a child and might be inappropriate for their age and understanding. We have therefore regretfully decided that we will not be able to accept your application for this role.”
First I was disappointed, and then I was angry.
I was angry with myself and my stupid, “too-much” honesty, angry with the articles I’ve written that have gone viral in the past, leaving me with a permanent digital fingerprint, angry with the system and its red tape and bureaucracy, angry that anyone can have their own baby but in order to support one that is in the care system, you need to be bland, opaque, and un-googleable.
Then, the wave of shame came—shame that I have shared so transparently over the years, shame that anyone can google me and can find so much… stuff.
Next came the fear: the letter raised doubts and questions about how transparent and vulnerable it is safe to be. I noticed my mind race with fears about whether I would ever get a voluntary position or job working with children/vulnerable adults again.
And then (finally!), some understanding and acceptance.
The recruiters are simply doing what they consider is best for the child.
I wrote my application in full integrity, so if it’s not happening, perhaps it is not meant to be.
It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m okay.
I remembered the fable of the wise farmer. Here is my own version of it:
There was once a wise farmer, who, with his wife, had a small piece of land and one horse. One day, the horse managed to jump the fence and ran away to freedom.
The farmer’s nosy neighbor sidled up to the fence, leaned on it conspiratorially, tutting and shaking his head. “You had just one horse,” said the neighbor, “and now he’s gone. Such bad luck!”
The wise farmer nodded slowly, taking in his neighbor’s words. “Well, who knows if it’s good or bad?”
The next day, the wise farmer’s horse miraculously reappeared, except that he wasn’t alone: in tow was a second, wild horse.
The neighbor hurried over excitedly, jabbering away. “You had one horse, then you lost it, and now you have two! This is such good luck!”
The farmer smiled sagely before replying, “Who knows if it’s good or bad?”
The following day, the farmer’s only son took on the job of breaking in the wild horse. The horse bucked, throwing the son to the ground. His leg was well and truly broken.
“Tut, tut, tut,” the neighbor muttered in dismay, “What a week! You lose a horse, get it back, gain an extra horse and now your only son, your only help on the farm, is injured! This is such terrible, terrible luck.”
Once again the wise farmer shrugged his shoulders, utterly non-committal. “Who knows if it’s good or bad?”
A week later, the army marched through town, conscripting all and any young men for military duty. The farmer’s son, in a cast and on crutches, was not required to go to war. The neighbor exhaled in relief upon hearing the news. “Oh, what good luck for you and your family! Your son doesn’t have to go to war! Such good luck.”
Of course, the farmer responded in only the way he could…
“Who knows if it’s good or bad?”
I’m not about to suggest that when we see injustice, abuse, or evil in the world, we pretend that it doesn’t matter, or use the “Who knows if it’s good or bad?” line as an excuse for apathy. That would be a gross misinterpretation of the message of this story, which is really, in its essence, a teaching about curiosity and remembering that in the grand scheme of things, we really don’t know what anything truly means.
The wise farmer in the fable may have had emotions and stories running in his head in response to each unfolding event (although he does appear to be very close to enlightenment if you ask me!), but he kept a truly open mind and consistently responded with curiosity, reminding himself and his drama-addicted neighbor that nobody truly knows what anything actually “means.”
Since there is never really a finishing line (even death doesn’t necessarily stop the ripple effects), we can’t really declare that something was definitely good or bad. It is always unfolding.
How many lawsuits are filed years after an actual event has taken place?
How many terrible events have borne something beautiful and vital to our world?
How many losses have led to triumphs?
And how many triumphs have led to losses?
The self-study metaphysical text A Course In Miracles guides the student to practice acknowledging that “Nothing I see means anything” and that “I give everything I see all the meaning it has for me.”
It challenges the reader to detach from playing God and from constantly interpreting and attaching meaning to every single thing that happens, to remember that we are always only seeing a tiny aspect of the vast tapestry that is being woven throughout our lifetime.
Detachment from meaning-making doesn’t mean leap-frogging over difficult emotions. In fact, I believe we are called to do the exact opposite, as hard and uncomfortable as that can be—to lean in and feel it all.
When I got the rejection letter, I allowed myself to feel the anger, disappointment, shame, judgment and sadness. I gave myself permission to feel and process what came up for me—for a while, anyway.
Then, at some point, the time came for inner vigilance, for deliberately and consciously choosing to practice curiosity and release control of needing to make anyone right or wrong.
I believe we are all called to do this deep inner work. Not all of us answer the call, of course, because it’s uncomfortable. Our brains are wired for certainty, which makes the practice of leaning into uncertainty and curiosity spiritual black belt stuff. It goes against our inbuilt survival instinct that wants to have it all figured out.
Deeply surrendering, practicing humility, and being willing to sit in the uncertainty of really not knowing what is going on, while also having faith that it might just be a friendly universe, are acts full of power.
This work isn’t easy, but it’s so important.
It is vital to tame the scared monkey mind that panics at the slightest hint of uncertainty and tries desperately to figure out what on earth is going on.
It is critical to become conscious of the story and the meaning your mind wants to create, to allow yourself to feel the emotion that is present, and then to choose to commit to the hardcore inner work of remembering that you don’t really know what the outcome of any situation in your life will be.
For me, it turns out that I will not be befriending a child in the care system anytime soon. This situation was a powerful reminder that I simply am not in charge. It has prompted me to ask some big questions about how vulnerable and transparent I want to continue to be online, to make a choice about whether I will continue to write and speak about uncomfortable topics, even if it means the loss of certain options.
Who knows if what happened is good or bad. I certainly don’t. I can either roar at the universe about the injustice of this, or I can take a deep breath and acknowledge that I don’t really know what this is for.
Perhaps one day I will look back and think, “Ah, that’s the gift that came out of this situation.”
But for now, we only have today. And so today, I wish you a day full of conscious, genuine curiosity.
Because when trying to figure out if what is unfolding in your life right now is good or bad, the only thing we can say for certain is that more will always be revealed.
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When We Love and Accept Ourselves, the World Fits Around Us
“If you feel like you don’t fit in in this world, it is because you are here to help create a new one.” ~Jocelyn Daher
Since I can remember, I never felt comfortable in my skin. I would watch everyone else, and it seemed as though they knew exactly how to be themselves. Even as a toddler I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t like everybody else. From those earliest memories I thought something was wrong with me if I didn’t feel, understand, or think the same as someone else.
My insecurities started young and grew as I got older. I would observe the other kids at school; they had interests, hobbies, and seemed to know who they were. I wanted to fit in so badly that I began to morph into whatever I thought I needed to be to belong.
I would see someone and want what they had. It didn’t matter if it was clothes, shoes, or musical interests. I thought their happiness came from the life they lived, and I wanted so badly to be happy.
I grew up poor, in a single parent home. I was overweight, and other kids bullied me daily. I told myself this was why I didn’t have hobbies: My mom couldn’t afford to put me in classes, and I couldn’t play sports because I was fat. This was partially true, but it was also true that I didn’t like sports and never wanted to play them.
I just longed to fit in to a group, any group, and it was easier to make excuses for who I wasn’t than to admit that I didn’t fit in anywhere. I’ve always been a people pleaser, and I wanted everyone to love me. I craved love so strongly because there wasn’t any inside of me.
The façade would constantly blow up in my face, and I’d get called out for not knowing things I acted as though I knew. There was always someone skinnier, smarter, and better than me at things. I needed to be the best at everything to feel good enough. You can imagine how often I felt unworthy.
The issue was that I wasn’t looking inside of myself to find out what I enjoyed. I wasn’t following my heart. Instead, I used that energy to watch and mimic other kids. I constantly compared myself to others and saw only where I was lacking.
It didn’t get easier as I headed to high school and into adulthood. I was still trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be and fighting who I really was.
The further I pushed my feelings down, the more my social anxiety took a hold of me. Living a lie made me feel constantly on guard; it was exhausting thinking that at any moment I could be called out for being phony.
Because I never allowed myself to be who I really was, I felt more alone than ever. Nobody understood me, and I didn’t think anyone really loved me. How could they? They didn’t even know me. Heck, I didn’t even know myself.
The hole inside kept getting bigger, and by thirteen years old I started filling it with drugs and alcohol. I spent the next twenty years of my life using my addiction to numb the feelings of loneliness and fear, a fear that I wouldn’t be accepted if I wasn’t what others expected.
I attracted men who didn’t care about me because I didn’t care about myself. I got taken advantage of in so many relationships, including my career, because I didn’t think I was worthy of respect. I took what I would get, and I was getting what I was giving. My world was responding to who I believed I was.
It wasn’t until I found sobriety in a fellowship and started my spiritual journey that I began to love myself for the first time in my life. I removed alcohol, and what was left was emptiness. I had a lot of space to fill (that hole in my heart was thirty-six years big), and I got to work.
I started meditating and looking inside myself instead of looking for acceptance from others.
I stopped observing other people and looked at my part in every situation that brought me anger, sadness, or anxiety.
I worked on cleaning out all the resentments I had built over the years and forgiving the people who had hurt me.
Most importantly, I forgave myself for not believing I was worthy.
I learned that nothing anyone does or says about me has anything to do with me. They’re acting out their own feelings based on the perceptions they’ve obtained through their own life experiences. I learned to let go and breathe.
For the first time in my life I felt comfortable being me. Through practicing self-love, I was able to spread true, unconditional love to others, and it started to come back, twofold. The relationships and people I attracted in my life were different. They were more meaningful and loving because they were meant for me.
Everything I do today has feeling behind it. I no longer have to defend myself because I live with integrity. I know my intentions, and I’m able to see that we’re all living our own battles. When I started to see things with compassionate glasses, I realized how my experiences could help others.
I also learned that I do have interests! I like to read, write, and hike. I love meditation and helping others. By stuffing who I was inside, I was keeping the world from an amazing human being with so much to give.
My people-pleasing character defect turned into an asset—instead of needing love and approval, now I love hard. I give my heart without conditions and expectations. I no longer live in fear that people won’t like me. I’ve attracted people who love me for who I am, because that’s who they see.
The more I accepted myself, the more I started to realize I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one who felt like they would never find their place in this world.
It had taken me thirty-six years to realize that so many people are dealing with social anxiety and feel unworthy. I know I’m not the only one who was living a life they believe someone else wanted for them. So many of us are lacking the self-love to show the world who we really are.
Not everyone understands me, but that’s okay! I no longer feel the need for everyone to like me. I don’t crave love and acceptance because it’s already in me. I’m full of it. It pours out to the people around me. It’s like one of those self-powered waterfalls. It flows to everything and everyone around me, and then comes right back around.
I finally realized that as long as I accept myself (whoever “I” am), everything that was meant for me would come into my life.
The most important thing I’ve learned so far on this beautiful journey of life is to follow my heart, to listen and pay attention to what my body is telling me.
If something makes me unhappy, I investigate why and remove myself from that situation. Likewise, if something makes me feel good, I pay attention and gravitate toward that.
I believe we’re all born with innate gifts and talents that allow us to help each other grow. When we do what feels right, we find out what those talents are.
I no longer compare myself to others. Instead, when I’m unhappy, I look at my part in the situation and what I need to do to change it. I ask myself what I can do to be a kinder, more compassionate person. Every perceived win and loss is an opportunity to share our experience with someone else later.
Whether you want to find your life purpose, or just be happy and fulfilled, you don’t have to go searching. It’s already in you. Just get in tune with your inner self and watch yourself blossom.
Notice what brings you joy or anxiety and adjust your path accordingly. Finding happiness really is that simple; we, as humans, make it difficult.
Being yourself is the greatest gift you can give this world because you never know when someone might need the real you.
We don’t have to “fit in.” We just have to follow our hearts and love unconditionally. When we do that, the world fits around us.
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10 Creative Ways to Express Gratitude
“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” ~William Arthur Ward
It’s probably no surprise to you that gratitude is one of the most effective ways to increase your own happiness—and the happiness of others. But did you know that practicing gratitude can also make you healthier, less stressed, and more optimistic? Plus, it’s even been shown to have positive effects on your career and relationships.
Gratitude is clearly a worthwhile practice, and there are tons of wonderful resources online (even here on Tiny Buddha!) filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas for practicing thankfulness.
Whether it’s writing in a gratitude journal, sending out a thankful note, or saying “thank you” to people you love, there are countless ways to express appreciation and thankfulness.
Embracing gratitude might not be so difficult when things are going well, but over the past few years I’ve discovered just how powerful gratitude can be when going through a difficult time.
After a lifetime of perfectly good health, last autumn I was unexpectedly faced with the challenge of having four surgeries. As someone who battles with extreme anxiety when it comes to anything medical (especially needles!), the prospect of surgery terrified me.
During this difficult time, I was so fortunate to have friends, family members, and even strangers treat me with kindness, love, and compassion—something that I know wasn’t always easy, given my panicky state of mind!
One of the ways I coped with my anxiety was transferring my attention from my apprehension to appreciation. Every time I found myself dwelling on my fears, I asked myself: What can I be thankful for? Who can I thank today?
While I won’t deny that four surgeries (and tons of bed rest!) was an unpleasant experience, it did give me the opportunity to have a life-changing revelation: expressing gratitude can be a transformative experience.
The more I focused on being thankful (and expressing that gratitude), the less time I had to ruminate on my worries.
Being thankful not only helped me to better cope with my worries, but expressing my appreciation to others helped me to strengthen my relationships with my friends, family members, and even my surgeon!
Whether you’re in the midst of one of life’s highs or one of it’s lows, you have a great deal to gain from taking your appreciation and sharing it with the world. Here are some of my favorite ideas for doing just that:
1. Like every post on friends’ social media feeds
Pressing a button to like a post might seem like a small thing, but in our digital age, this tiny act can be a great—and easy!—way to express gratitude.
Silly as it might sound, those little notifications can mean a lot to some people and, unless you actively disagree with what’s being conveyed in the post, why not show your appreciation for the person who shared it by giving it a thumbs-up or a heart?
2. Forgive someone who has hurt you
Forgiveness might not sound directly connected to gratitude, but when you forgive someone who has hurt you (with or without an apology), what you’re essentially doing is expressing gratitude for the experience and for the opportunity to experience compassion for someone else.
Forgiveness, mind you, does not condone the wrongdoing. It merely offers you a chance to free yourself from resentment and anger, which is a way to love yourself.
3. Connect two friends who might like each other
Friendships are one of life’s greatest gifts, and what better way to express gratitude for them than to help create more positive relationships?
If you think two friends might hit it off (either romantically or platonically), introduce them to one another. This is a great way to not only express your gratitude for friendship in general, but also to show these two people that you love and value them.
4. Donate clothing to your local homeless shelter
How many articles of clothing to you have that you don’t actually wear? If you sort through your closet and drawers, you’ll probably find tons of items you no longer need to keep.
Choosing to donate these items to those in need is not only a kind thing to do, but also a way of express gratitude for the time you were able to wear those clothes, for those who made the clothes, and for the opportunity to pass them along to someone in need.
5. Make and share a list of someone’s good traits
Do you ever have those moments when you look at a friend or loved one and think about how amazing they are? Don’t keep those thoughts to yourself!
Every time you notice something wonderful about someone else, write it down. When you have a nice little list gathered, share it with him or her to express how thankful you are for his or her wonderful traits.
6. Share your positive reviews with others
More often than not, when people take time to speak to a manager at a shop or restaurant or write an online review, it’s because they’ve had a bad experience and want to vent about it. But imagine what it would be like if people shared every positive they had with a product or service!
The next time someone is helpful or you enjoy a product, tell others about your experience. Leaving positive reviews and telling managers about positive employees is a fantastic way to express gratefulness.
7. Put your phone away when you’re with people
One of the absolute best ways to express your gratitude for others is by doing your best to be fully present in their presence.
This is not always easy (especially with all of the digital distractions!), but try your hardest to put your phone away when you’re interacting with others. Doing so will allow you to be more appreciative of the experiences you have with them.
8. Write a handwritten letter (not just a note!)
You’re hopefully no stranger to the thank you note. A handwritten thank-you is one of the most impactful ways to express gratitude in an era when most people simply jot off an email or a text. But when was the last time you wrote a letter to express you gratitude?
Break out that loose leaf paper, a pen, and take some time write a full-page letter to a loved one, expressing your gratitude for everything they’ve done for you.
9. Pick up and throw away litter when you see it
Big picture gratitude is something that’s often ignored when thankfulness is discussed, but if you’re not spending time appreciating, and caring for, the world around you, you’re missing out on a great gratitude opportunity.
One simple and effective way to express appreciation for the world is to pick up and dispose of litter whenever you see it. It’s a small act, but if we all did it, the world would be a much better (and cleaner!) place.
10. Teach someone about something new
We all have unique skills and talents. Whether it’s something small (like mastering Snapchat) or big (like fully comprehending how quantum physics works), we all have knowledge we can share with others.
Sharing what we know allows us not only to show appreciation for others (after all, we value them enough to teach them something), but it also is a chance for us to be grateful for our personal knowledge and skills (and for the ways we were able to learn them).
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Whether you choose to express gratitude using one of these creative gratitude tips or all ten, it’s my hope that they’ve inspired you in some way to think outside the box when it comes to showing appreciation for the people and experiences in your life.
Gratitude is one of the greatest ways to make your world a happier place, and the more you practice it, the more things you’ll find to be grateful for.
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Editor’s Note: Dani has generously offered to give two sets of her two new books, Gratitude and Living in the Moment, to Tiny Buddha readers. To enter to win a free set, leave a comment below sharing something you’re grateful for. For an extra entry, share this post on one of your social media pages and include the link in your comment. You can enter until midnight, PST, on Friday, September 16th.
Update: The winners for this giveaway are marleyposh and Siege Htrowsdloh.
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Choose to Shine: Your Smile Is More Powerful Than You Think
“Shine like the whole Universe is yours.” ~Rumi
I had a revolutionary experience at a grocery store. Yes, a grocery store. I’ll never forget that day.
I believe that some of the most mundane and unimportant places I’ve visited have been the bedrock of my spiritual growth.
There is so much to witness at a store: people frantically trying to load up for the weekend, elderly in their motorized carts, people in line glued to their smart phones, and then of course the workers that 90% of the time seem achingly miserable and sad.
It was like any other day as I stepped foot into my local store to pick up up a few essentials.
I was walking in with the intention of getting some food for the week and ended up walking out with so much more.
Once inside, I saw a man standing at the front of the store with the biggest smile on his face. It was as bright as the sun. It was the kind of joy that you could easily tell was radiating from within.
I did what I habitually do: looked him in the eye, smiled, and called him by his name. As I grabbed my cart and glanced back up, I stopped dead in my tracks.
I had a huge rush of awareness: No one was noticing this man. Not a single person in my ten-minute stare down paid attention to him. No one.
He waved, with a big ole grin, to every single soul that entered the store. You see, his job was to acknowledge every person that walked through the front door. He was the “greeter” at a local store, and the best darn one I’ve ever seen.
This immediately fueled anger inside of me. It was as if he was invisible.
Why was no one seeing this man? Why didn’t they wave back—say hi, and enjoy his presence?
Why? Why? Why?
I wanted to stand right up there with him, get in people’s faces, and make them see us. But instead, I took a breath and allowed myself to get calm and centered before I did anything.
I decided to shift my attention to the entrance to actually see who was walking inside.
First, I noticed a businessman that kept glancing at his watch; it looked like he was in a real hurry. Who knows—he may have been late picking up donuts for his next meeting (that he was running).
Next, I observed a mother who had a cart full of kids that were kicking and screaming. She was rummaging through her purse; I bet it was hard to find that grocery list while managing to keep “all arms and legs inside of a moving vehicle.”
She may have even been a single mom, and her only option was to take them with her (hardest job in the world—I watched my mom raise five).
I then witnessed a couple who seemed to have been so in love that even if the greeter was standing there with a sign that had their names in bright red, they still wouldn’t have seen.
They encapsulated my attention all together. I just love seeing love, and my heart skips a beat seeing others that love each other so much, they live in worlds of their own. Smiling into one another’s eyes, how could they possibly have noticed him?
Soon after I stopped watching, I turned my attention back to the greeter. He was an unbelievable man.
It didn’t matter who walked through the door, or what baggage they were bringing with them—he treated each of them the same. He was so awake to life, so kind and conscious to the real meaning of love (little did he know).
His arms were open, ready to pour into anyone, no matter who they were. Even though he was being ignored.
I learned an incredible lesson that day, or lessons, I should say. And I’ll never forget these simply yet mighty realizations that are now imparted into my everyday life.
On days when I find myself judging others, and when my patience is awfully low, I think of this man. On days when I feel unappreciated and unnoticed, I think of him too.
I remember that he gave of himself, without any expectation of return. I remember how his smiled wasn’t dependent on if others smiled back.
I think of how his joy radiated from the inside out and how others, including me, were still affected by his actions, even if it didn’t seem so.
So that “greeter” is perhaps the embodiment of truth. This is what life is about: giving others the benefit of the doubt, because you make mistakes too. Understanding other people’s suffering instead of judging them, because you have suffered also.
I would encourage you to wake up to the world around you and realize that people are simply doing the best that they can. They really are.
Next time you feel the temptation to judge others for what you can only see on the outside, try seeing it from another angle.
Attempt to contemplate what they may be going through or the suffering you may not be able to see on the surface. Pass a silent blessing onto them and try to see yourself in them.
This will happen to you. You will show love and get nothing in return. You will smile and not get one back. You might even be completely ignored. You’ll open your heart and people will pass you by.
At the end of the day, it’s not about how others receive you or what adversity you may face; it’s about one thing and one thing only: choosing to shine your light anyway.
I truly believe that the Universe can be ours, if we can see things from the whole and complete oneness. In a world that seems to be full of hate, rage, and anger, we must never forget that we are all in this together.
