Tag: wisdom
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Anxiety, Your New BFF: How It Can Help You If You Let It
“Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” ~Rumi
Anxiety—a frequent, uninvited visitor.
It hovers; it comes and goes. It underlines. It overpowers. It stops you in your tracks. It pursues you as you run away.
My anxiety’s appearance is often marked by a buzzing, electric-charge energy. I used to jokingly compare it to a predatory yellow jacket. They used to terrify me. Since I was stung too many times, this insect was definitely not on my list of BFFs.
Once I was driving my then seven-year-old daughter and her friend to school when a real-life yellow jacket began to buzz in the enclosed car space. It looked fierce and angry and armed with a vicious stinger.
Repressing my panic, I pulled the car over.
“Okay, girls, there’s a yellow jacket in the car. I’m going to open the doors and we’ll all exit quickly!”
My daughter’s friend Evie remained in her seat. With a quiet calm, she extended her finger, beckoning the insect to alight upon it. When it did, she welcomed its arrival with a smile and escorted it outside.
The yellow jacket flew off.
“All you have to do is treat them nice and they’re your friend,” Evie informed us. “I love ‘em.”
Years later, I awoke one morning, the alarm of anxiety resounding in my ears. Unlike my phone, I couldn’t shut it off. Hearing the buzz of worry and gloom, I dreaded getting up to face the day.
Then I heard something else. A buzz. But this wasn’t coming from me; it was a yellow jacket flailing against my nightstand.
With mindful attention, I was able to escort the tiny creature to the window so it could fly away. The momentary connection with an insect and the cessation of the buzzing noise was a gratifying experience. Plus, the bug did not sting me.
I wondered, what if my anxiety were something I could “treat nice”? My usual approach is to eliminate or ignore it.
What would it take to befriend my anxiety?
What did it take to befriend a yellow jacket? Mindful caution and courage (they do sting), and a challenging compassion. A calm patience.
Maybe I could treat my anxiety as my BFF.
Isn’t a best friend someone who reminds you of your past mistakes and helps you avoid a re-run? A friend encouraging you to take time to treat yourself better? A cheerleader excited for your success?
Over time I have discovered that anxiety can do that for you, if you’re willing to change your perspective. Below are a few examples that may surprise you.
Stop, Listen, and Engage
One of my closest friends was coming for a visit. We had a no-plan of fun, a goal of aimless walking around the city. I had spent the morning alone, writing and finishing up paperwork. All of it enjoyable productivity.
Getting ready for her arrival, I noticed an underlying stream of anxiousness. To be honest, I was furious that anxiety arrived during this completely stress-free moment.
Remembering my vow to welcome anxiety as my BFF, I began to ask “her” questions.
What are you anxious about?
I just am.
That was too broad a question, so I became more specific.The apartment looks fine but are you worried it’s not neat enough?
It’s not that.
I noticed that the reassurance calmed her down a bit.Are you worried that we have no specific itinerary?
No.
I smiled at the immediate response. Neither one of us is a planner.I’m dressed, but I could put a little makeup on, would that help?
Maybe.
I did, it helped. But there was more.Sitting down, I took a few breaths.
Can you explain what your nervousness is about? I waited.
In a rush, a torrent of talk tumbled out.
It’s too much. You were quiet all by yourself and now you have to go out and do noisy things.A light bulb went off. I saw the issue.
It’s about transitions? You find them challenging?
The clarity of the Aha! burst open in a single word:
YES!Transitions, in any degree, represent change, which requires special attention. My habitual response is to move fast, to move without thinking, to move on now!
That doesn’t work for me anymore.
I summed up where I had been (quietly writing alone), where I was going (a walk in Manhattan with noise and bustle).
But above all, I checked into where I was NOW in the moment, which was not being able to connect the two.
A few minutes were all it took to regain serenity and gratitude to my BFF Anxiety. She had highlighted something I’d overlooked my entire life.
While your own inner dialogue may differ, it is possible for you to stop, listen, and engage in a conversation with these inner anxious voices.
It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal
Sometimes, your anxiety is only asking for acknowledgment. A few breaths to clear your mind and give you more oxygen, a sympathetic word, or a short walk outside may be the answer.
I have a client who gets a manicure to ease her spirits. When her mom was in hospice, she had them done. “I know it may seem superficial, but I have fond memories of my mother doing my nails for me when I was little and feeling sad. I look at my hands and feel like at least one thing in my life is okay.”
Short-term solutions to anxiety’s sudden appearances can go far to alleviate symptoms of unease.
Warnings to Watch
There are moments when a deeper dialogue with anxiety is required.
A friend had what seemed to be the perfect relationship. Sexy and smart, her boyfriend had a good sense of humor, enjoying his work and life. Together, they were happy, but separated, my friend’s anxiety skyrocketed.
She decided to focus on the nature of her anxiety and began a focused inquiry with this energetic.
“I wanted him to be the one, but I was the one making unconscious concessions. So I stopped and listened to what my anxiety was reporting back to me.”
Rather than eliminate or ignore her anxiety, she took a hard look at what was actually going on. She didn’t feel seen in this relationship. Her desires were overlooked, and, worse, they were de-valued if brought up. Her boyfriend was subtle about this exchange, as he could be quite charming. But my friend felt out of the loop.
She ended that relationship and started dating someone else. When, once again, Anxiety appeared, she was flustered. Taking on the premise that anxiety is her BFF, she listened. This time the message was different.
As it turned out, she needed to proceed more slowly, as she was suffering from relationship PTSD. In actuality, there was excitement about this new prospect.
Don’t your human best friends nudge you to practice self-compassion, encourage you to take risks, and then cheer your success?
Anxiety can do that as well.
Looking at Your Lifestyle
A client came to me for an acupuncture session. “Everything’s going great. My career has skyrocketed, my family is fine. But most mornings, I can barely get out of bed; the anxiety is that strong. I can’t figure out why I’m a wreck when I should be so happy.”
Going into further detail, it came up that he was sleeping barely four hours a night, overdosing on caffeine throughout the day, skipping workouts, and having a few drinks at night to offset the coffee. While his life was exciting, it was not sustainable.
We devised a plan that was workable.
He came in the following week, his anxiety diminished. “I’m good, but I’m in shock,” he reported. A colleague had dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of forty-five. “The timing is bizarre, and yet I have to look at what role anxiety plays in my life. I want to listen better.”
It’s not that you have to become a purist Spartan, but being aware of your relationship with your physical body and how that corresponds with your anxiety (another relationship!) is a key factor to your overall health and peace of mind.
You’re Not Alone
Life is scary at times. Tragedies, death, loss, rejection—suffering surrounds us.
When experiencing these challenges, anxiety can show up in full force, adding to the overwhelm.
If you listen, you will hear what you can do to buffer the harshness of events.
Perhaps the mere recognition of the situation’s gravity can bring relief. Maybe a few gentle considerations can change the terrain. Maybe you need support from others.
Maybe you need to get your nails done.
As a BFF, anxiety can remind you to slow down and take care of yourself. To have compassion and empathy for yourself and others. To remember your aliveness and your capacity to transform.
If you listen, really listen, you’ll hear what may help.
Treating anxiety as a friend, the messages will come to you in a whisper rather than a shout. This invisible force will align with you, if you align with it.
This friend may be an over-worrier, she may nudge you, she may even resort to scaring you. But this BFF (Badass Friend Forever) just may bug you enough to finally discover—and cherish—your magnificence in human form.
What magical messages is your new BFF bringing to you?
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Beautiful Things Can Happen When We Step Outside Our Comfort Zone
“As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.” ~Robin S. Sharma
I recently arrived in my new home city of New Orleans. I came here for a change and to refresh my spirits, and I’m so glad I did. It’s truly an uplifting and unique city. Coming here certainly shifted me out of my comfort zone, as I’m originally from California.
However, what I know from past experience is that breaking free of what’s comfortable is an ongoing, step-by-step journey. Simply put, it’s not enough that I’m here. I have to consciously keep embracing this expansion.
When I first arrived here I felt that feeling of love and happiness I get when I travel to places that truly feel special. A warm, humid breeze blew past my face when I stepped out of my car. The house I’ll be staying in had a big blue door, and I’ve found bright colors and old fashioned, French Creole homes are the norm here.
As I was being checked into my house, some neighbors came out to let my landlord know her car was blocking their driveway. They all knew each other, so the exchange was friendly, and it ended with them saying they were having a party that night for an engagement.
They invited me to come, and I wanted to say, “Really? You want me to come? But you don’t know me and I don’t know the people getting married!”
There was something about their instant openness and receptivity that I wanted to question and second-guess. But they meant it. They really did invite me, an unknown and random person, to the engagement party they were throwing for a friend.
I went home and I knew I had to go. It made me nervous, as I would be showing up to a private event alone, without any chance of bumping into a friendly face. There would be no buffers. No safety nets. Just me. And that’s why I had to go.
I had to go because it would be uncomfortable. I had to go because we spend so much of our lives going out of our way to avoid this exact kind of scenario.
There are few things we dread more than feeling stranded and awkward in a room full of strangers. But the funny thing is, we’re also obsessed with this exact feeling—the feeling that life happens outside of our comfort zone.
You know those signs that say, “This is your comfort zone” and then have a circle drawn around the words? Somewhere outside of the circle it always says, “This is where the magic happens.” Yeah, you know. They’re kind of ridiculous signs. You cannot sum up what it means to get outside of your comfort zone in a quaint little sign.
Getting outside your comfort zone comes with intense feelings. If there are too many unknown factors we tend not to want to go into that space at all.
We do not think of magic and glitter when someone says, “This is going to make you deeply uncomfortable. You might feel embarrassed. You might feel alone. You might feel incapable and even afraid.” Instead, we tend to think of all the reasons we should say no to the opportunity.
Part of this is because we don’t see every uncomfortable opportunity as being worth our time. Why should I go to a random engagement party and be weird and make other people feel weird? The reason is because these little moments of discomfort prepare you for the big ones.
What you really want, that thing that really is outside of the circle and has all the rainbows and the unicorns, when it does show up, it’s going to rattle you and shake you up and turn your world upside down. But you can handle it. You can.
The best way to know you can handle it is to practice and show up when it’s inconvenient, all the time, basically saying yes to everything. You will get so comfortable with being uncomfortable that the lines will in fact blur and you will flow with life, at ease no matter how rough the waters.
After I showered and got myself dressed I walked like I knew what I was doing to the neighbor’s house. If you’ve never read up on how body posture can you make you feel powerful, you may want to. It’s honestly life changing knowledge.
I walked into the party and everyone was dressed in suits and dresses. I was wearing leggings and a cotton striped shirt. It’s the nicest thing I had. It was okay though. I was expecting to be out of my comfort zone. I was diving in, head first.
Had I let the clothing stop me, I would have missed seeing something amazing.
A man showed up to this fancy party in a sleeveless Fred Flintstones shirt. The shirt had a tie painted on it, so in truth, he may have actually dressed better than me. But it just showed me that all of the time we obsess over not having the right clothes or look or whatever is so absurd.
There is always going to be a person in the equivalent of a Fred Flintstones shirt, and more often than not, you’re going to wish you were that person because they are totally carefree.
After getting a drink I found a couple at a table that looked uncomfortable and like they didn’t know anyone. I descended on them and introduced myself with a firm handshake.
I let them know I didn’t know anyone, I was invited that afternoon, and I was just going with it. I had an okay time talking to them. Just okay. There was no magic. Eventually they saw some other people they knew and I was abandoned.
Everyone at the table was talking to someone but me. I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew at this point my presence was weird. But you know what? No one has ever died from being uncomfortable. So I just rolled with it.
I sipped my drink, looked around, and considered if I should stay or go. I decided to hang out a bit longer because I wasn’t quite ready to walk away.
I lingered in the corner alone, probably looking a little creepy. I grabbed another drink and listened to a speech and I realized then that I didn’t want to leave. Being a little uncomfortable but surrounded by happy people, live music, and an amazing vibe sounded a lot better than being comfortable and sitting on the couch watching Netflix.
I then grabbed some food and saw a guy standing alone at a table. This was when I finally found the magic. Not the kind of magic that ends in us realizing we’re soul mates. The guy was actually nineteen (I’m thirty-four), and soon after I started talking to him his mom came over.
They were two of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. I was so relieved I hadn’t run off when it got hard. I was relieved I was there, to meet this guy, who was so smart and interesting and who made me think, “Wow, I wish I could follow his journey and see what kind of impact he makes. I know he’s going to do something awesome.”
I was so delighted with these people who didn’t look at their cellphones the whole night. It’s been a long time since a stranger has given me that much of their time and attention just because. To feel a connection like that, with people I’d just met… magic.
Magic. Glitter. Unicorns. It was all there. I just had to ride the wave and let it happen.
And those other people who abandoned me and avoided eye contact the rest of the night? I bet they’ll never even remember meeting me. They aren’t thinking right now, “Wow, that girl was so weird. Who does she think she just is to just show up like that?”
This is something we tend to do—we think other people are thinking about us more than they are. And even if they are talking about me, it’s hard to care because I won’t go away from this night remembering them.
I’ll remember Harrison, the nineteen-year-old jazz cellist who would love to teach music.
I’ll remember his mom, who wrote and created a photography book around flowers and an abandoned house in Detroit.
I’ll remember twinkle lights in the trees.
I’ll remember the soft breeze on a warm night.
I’ll remember the unbelievable graciousness of a stranger who welcomed me into his home and his party.
I’ll remember the man at the bar who totally understood why I came. He had also read Shonda Rhimes A Year of Yes and he loved it too.
And most of all, I’ll remember that I don’t need armor in life. I don’t need to shield myself from the unknown. I don’t need to be comfortable at all times in order to feel I’m on the right path.
I just need to show up. I need to flow with what’s happening. When you show up, it’s amazing how the Universe shows up for you in return.
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12 Powerful Gratitude Practices That Will Make You a Lot Happier
“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” ~A. A. Milne
Gratitude didn’t always come naturally to me. If there had been a championship for complaining, for a long time, I would have been a serious contender.
For years I felt entitled to everything, including the kindness of others. This didn’t make me very happy, since it was always easy to find something or someone to complain about. The more critical I grew, the less appealing life seemed and the worse I got on with others.
The weather seemed awful, supermarket queues too slow, bosses too unappreciative, children too rowdy and messy, winters too cold, summers too hot, health too unsatisfactory, work too stressful, prices too high, quality too low, TV too boring, politicians too self-serving, traffic too slow, drivers too inconsiderate, and so on.
If I had continued living like that, I might have ended up complaining that water was too wet and the sky too blue.
Fortunately, I came across countless research studies about gratitude. How it reduced anxiety, depression, emotional exhaustion, and even suicidal thoughts, while boosting happiness and satisfaction with life. How it lowered blood pressure, boosted immunity, and encouraged healthy habits while improving sleep.
Research even suggested that gratitude improved the quality of romance and marriage! Now that seemed like an irresistible offer.
I started collecting practical tips for living in a more grateful way, and started trying them out. Warning: these ways of practicing gratitude could seriously damage your unhappiness!
1. Tell your partner exactly how a recent episode made you love them even more.
Be very specific and detailed. For example, “I love that you thought about what I would really like for our anniversary, and that you made all the bookings because you know it takes me ages to pick a hotel.”
It doesn’t have to be in connection with an annual event, such as an anniversary. It could be something as small as the way they hug you to cheer you up when they see that you’ve had a hard day. But tell them exactly what it is you loved about that, and why.
This detailed expression of gratitude signals your responsiveness to your partner. It tends to make them more responsive too. Romance thrives on mutual responsiveness.
2. If your relationship is going through a rough patch, imagine the disappearance of your partner.
This is counter-intuitive, but it makes you more grateful for all that is good in the relationship. People who suddenly lost their partner often tell of how relatively insignificant their petty disagreements now seem. They often say they would give anything to have their loved one back.
If I even think about trying this, it immediately makes me way more grateful for my partner. It makes me realize how lucky I am.
3. Look beyond a gift.
Think consciously about the trouble that somebody took to bring something good into your life, often at some inconvenience and cost to themselves.
We enjoy watching Grand Slam tennis tournaments on TV. We thought that we might one day get to watch a tournament in person, but tickets for the main courts sell out rapidly. Then our son surprised us with tickets for prime seats at a Grand Slam event.
It was totally unexpected. We were so touched that he went to all the trouble and expense. The tennis and setting were magnificent, and the awareness of his love even better.
4. Relish each good moment more consciously.
Have you noticed, really consciously noticed, the many patterns that bubbles make in a warm bath? Or the bizarre shapes of white clouds in a blue sky? Or the quirky way that an eggshell starts to crack when you strike it? Or the comforting feel of your pillow when you go to bed after a long, hard day?
Wonderful little delights await us, moment by moment. But we need to notice them consciously. Then gratitude starts flowing through each moment of life.
I fill a pan with water every morning, to boil some eggs. I love watching the bubbles in the water as they dance for me. It helps to set the tone for my day.
5. Shout for joy when something really good happens to you.
I used to be an expert in misery.
Did I gain admission to medical school? Keep it quiet, I don’t do happiness.
Was I graduating and did my parents want to celebrate? Don’t bother coming, Mum and Dad, it’s just another day.
What was I thinking? If I could go back and shake myself hard, I would.
“Shout for joy!” I would urge my younger self. “Get up, put on your favorite song, jump around and dance like a wild child!”
Whatever you celebrate becomes more real to your mind. And you become more grateful for it.
6. Fast forward.
When we got married, the photographer made us pose endlessly. We were relieved when it was over. In our relief, we leaned in for a kiss.
The experienced photographer immediately clicked it.
I remember thinking, “That photo’s going to make us so happy when we’re old.”
That peek into the future made me feel even luckier in the moment.
Use every opportunity to create memories that will delight you for years. You’ll feel grateful in the moment, and grateful again that you can look forward to good memories.
7. Tell someone else when you’re particularly taken by something.
We get to see some spectacular sunsets in the summer. I just have to go to our picture window and look out over rooftops. It’s as if a great artist has splashed colors across the sky.
“Wow!” I’ll call out, spontaneously. “Come and look at this! Isn’t it stunning?”
Sharing the appreciation with someone else makes you more grateful.
8. Introduce a guest to your favorite places, people, music, food etc.
There’s a reason why you love some things so much. Somebody else might not yet appreciate those delights. In opening their eyes, you open your own eyes again and become more grateful.
I love it when visitors stay with us, partly because I get to show them around some favorite spots. There’s one place where a man-made canal crosses high over a river with an old mill, and green hillsides with sheep climb steeply skyward. I could spend hours there, just soaking it all in.
Sometimes my guests will even notice details that I missed. Their delight multiplies my own.
9. Build a bank of gratitude.
Life won’t necessarily go your way forever. If adversity strikes, it can be difficult to recall a time when you were grateful.
Build a bank of gratitude by storing notes, pictures, and other documents about what you were thankful for.
Mine includes lots of pictures of sunsets, family, travels, and nature, and notes regarding some kindness shown to me, little improvements in my health and fitness, and things I achieved. I even store some notes about difficult times that made me wiser and stronger, and about unhelpful people whose behavior inadvertently helped me in some way.
If you like to write on paper, you can choose a beautiful notebook and write in it each day. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find a few things you’re grateful for. If you get stuck, you can express thanks for being spared some undesirable things (life in a war zone, for example, or a disabling illness.)
If you prefer to write on pieces of paper, you could collect these papers in a big gratitude jar. It will delight you more than a jar of sweets delights a little child.
If life ever gets on top of you and your mind is filled with complaints, you can visit your bank of gratitude to regain a sense of perspective. Gratitude and joy need never be too far away.
10. Invite someone to be your gratitude buddy.
If your partner is a naturally grateful person, you don’t have to look far. You can encourage and coach one another in living more gratefully.
Even then, you might like to invite a trusted confidante to join you in the conscious practice of gratitude. You can make a pact to practice one or more of these tips at least once a day, and encourage each other when you slip. Sharing your practice in this way helps to make gratitude a habit and a new way of living.
I’m fortunate to have a naturally grateful partner, but I do enjoy sharing my gratitude practices with others. Then I have to live up to what I proclaim.
11. Be aware of how gratitude feels in your body.
When you regularly practice gratitude, you start to feel a kind of joy in your body. It’s like a homecoming, as if you’re relaxing into a warm bath after shivering outside in the freezing winter of complaints.
Be conscious of how your limbs, your hands, your feet, your neck, your body, your face and your gut feel when you’re expressing gratitude. Take a couple of minutes to meditate on the sensations. Enjoy the glow of gratitude and add it to your list of things you’re grateful for.
12. Widen your net of gratitude to include more people.
Did you have a favorite teacher? What was it you loved about them? What effect did they have on your life?
One of my big regrets in life is that my first music teacher died before I could properly thank him. He taught me a wonderful approach to musical composition. I use what he taught me almost every day, and music-making brings me so much joy in life.
Think of all the people who contributed to your life. Thank them, one by one. Write to them, phone them, email them, visit them, do anything that works, but be sure to thank them.
Be as detailed and as specific as you can. Show them how much you understand their good intentions and effort. Let them know exactly what their contribution means in your life.
That will make them glow. And it will make you glow.
Express gratitude to people at every opportunity. It strengthens the bonds of goodwill and connection on which we humans thrive. It allows us to be part of something bigger than ourselves, and to attempt good and important things as we join others in working for meaningful causes.
Of course, gratitude is not always appropriate. Sometimes there are very good reasons for dissatisfaction and complaint, such as in abusive relationships. Even there, a habitually grateful person can sometimes more easily find solutions because they are more warmly connected to people who can help out.
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I like these simple practices because they’re relatively easy to do, yet they bring huge benefits. They’ve opened the door to a much more joyful way of living for me. I now experience much warmer relationships with my loved ones and others.
We know from neuroscience that what we do habitually can change even our brains. I used to be a champion complainer. Now I’m steadily improving at practicing gratitude.
If these practices work for me, a complainer by instinct, then they can work for anyone.
I’d love to hear what gratitude practices you’ve found useful. Let’s add to the list of practices and spread the joy. Thanks for the privilege of writing for you.
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Why I Forgave My Cruel, Abusive Father
“It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it sets you free.” ~Tyler Perry
I still remember the day when I told my mother that I no longer wanted to be at home. I’d had enough of so much pain and sorrow, and the constant yelling. Soon after, I watched my mother cry bitterly as she made the decision to get a divorce.
I was ten years old at the time.
My father had always been a very strict man, who used to believe that his ways were the right ways.
He considered himself “successful” because he had his own house, his own car, a high salary, and a family. He was indeed a success at his office, but his employees didn’t seem to respect him.
They described my father as a man who liked to give orders and to keep things under control—and also a man who liked to tell hurtful, humiliating jokes at others’ expense.
I don’t remember my father having any friends, nor seeing him invite anyone to our home for Christmas.
Father was always working hard, two daily shifts for five years. He later told me he did that to give us a good future, but he was never present.
I don’t recall him playing with me that much, nor taking us on vacation. And he used to beat me with a belt if I didn’t get good grades at school. He used to drill into my head that I needed to “be better than everyone else.” He wanted me to be as competitive as him, as successful as him. He wanted me to become him.
But that wasn’t the whole reason why my parents divorced. My father cheated on my mother with five different women, thinking my mother wasn’t good enough for him anymore. Later in life I understood that it was he who felt not good enough.
One day he got very drunk and began calling me names like “little cockroach,” because he knew I would never be as good as him. That’s when I lost it.
At ten years old, I jumped toward my father and blindly hit him, with my tiny fists, in every part of his body that I could reach. My mother came running from the kitchen and had to separate us because my father, a mountain of a man, was easily giving me the beating of my life.
That was the last straw for her.
That night my mother kicked him out of the house, and I didn’t see him again for a few years.
After that day, we were shocked, but felt a small piece of relief. Eventually, we found peace.
The divorce helped my mother mature and become stronger and wiser. She was always there for me and my kid sister, playing the role of both loving mother and father. My raising made me think that, if I ever had children, I would never let them live the hell I lived.
Time heals all wounds, or so they say. Eventually, I found the strength to see my father again, at a very sad family event.
He was all by himself. None of his former mistresses were in sight. We spoke few words; I gave him my condolences and left. It had been weird to see my father again after so much time.
One day he fell sick with kidney failure and thought he was about to die. I went to visit him at the hospital, and it was shocking to see my once strong father reduced to a thin ghost of a man wrapped in a hospital gown.
There was no one around to help him but an aunt. No friends, no other women, no one. He was all alone.
I spent days and night taking care of him at the hospital. We would joke around and remember the few good things we shared during my childhood. I soon realized my father was just another kid that had been hit and humiliated during his childhood.
His parents had raised him the same way he’d raised me; therefore, he grew up with those values carved in his heart.
That’s when I realized it made no sense to continue hating him for the horrible childhood he gave me. Life was already giving him a tough lesson. Loneliness can be worse than death itself.
My father eventually recovered and left the hospital. I still speak to him and pay him a visit from time to time to see how he’s doing. He’s still the prideful man I knew as a kid, and he still expects me to become better than him. But now, his words don’t hurt me.
Because of my experiences with my father, I have learned these valuable lessons.
1. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.
Some people say “Forgive and forget.” I would say instead “Forgive, don’t forget, but don’t let the memory of what happened control you.”
I learned this the hard way, sadly. Some days I would get very angry, and other days I would feel hopeless and unloved. This eventually pushed away the few people that really cared for me.
I couldn’t change the past, and I didn’t like the insecure, angry woman that I had become. I had to release that pain and anger.
One thing that helped me was to write down all the things I wanted to say to my father. I would read the letter as many times as I needed, then burn it. Watching the fire consume the letter that contained all my frustrations helped me ease the burden in my heart.
Some days, when I felt the ugly feeling again, I would put my hand over my heart, say a prayer, and repeat the same mantra to myself over and over again:
“I am here, I will help you. We are in this together. I will protect you.”
These words were powerful to me. After repeating that mantra to myself, I would feel my anger melt away.
We have to release our anger—in private, to avoid hurting the people that love us—in order to make space for love and peace. We learn from the pain, and though there’s no way we can easily push it under a rug, we don’t have to be controlled by the feelings that flood us when we remember what happened.
Don’t let the memory of the past inflict pain in your present life.
2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to include that person back into your life.
Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean welcoming that person back into your life like nothing happened.
There are people who can’t be in our lives without hurting us. These kinds of people need to be loved from a distance. It may be your father, your brother, your former best friend, or your ex. Life is too short to make it harder and more painful by allowing people who constantly hurt us back into our circle of peacefulness.
3. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning someone’s actions.
Some people might view what happened to my father as karma, but it’s hard for me to see it that way. When I learned about his troubled childhood, I realized that’s where his behavior came from. I finally understood why he did what he did. Still, that didn’t make it excusable. What he did was wrong and not acceptable. No matter how bad your past was, you can’t go around inflicting pain on others, thinking it’s okay.
I know a lot of people who had sad, painful childhoods who turned out to be wonderful parents. Pain can give us huge lessons and make us better people.
4. Forgive to set yourself free.
This was the most important lesson in my life. I was the target of bullying at school because, at that time, children who came from broken homes were seen as troubled kids. I hated my father every time someone made jokes about my divorced parents.
Later in life I blamed my father for all my failed relationships. I hopelessly looked for approval from the men I dated, only to be dumped like a hot frying pan.
I was destroying myself with hatred and pain. All this turmoil made me lonely and miserable.
Eventually, I learned that I was the only person responsible of my life, and that blaming my father was a cowardly thing to do. If I wanted to have a happy life, I had to let go of the pain. It wasn’t easy—it took years of self-discovery and soul searching to achieve this—but when I did, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Trying to find something to inspire me, I came across one quote that struck a chord with me:
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
I was poisoning my life, my few friendships, and myself. I’d missed a lot of the big things in life because I’d spent so much time hating my father and my problems. I learned not to repeat his mistakes, and to pay attention to my own behavior. The past can be painful but it doesn’t have to define us. We make our own present; we are our own person.
We can’t erase the past, but we can choose to let go of the pain in order to live a happier, more fulfilling life.
The road isn’t easy; in fact, there were days when I felt I was taking one step forward and two steps back, and some days I would just curl up and cry. But I kept moving forward because I desperately wanted to get out of that place of isolation. I focused on myself, spent time with family, eventually found good friends, and then finally felt lighter and at peace.
In the end, I learned that forgiveness is not about the other person; it is about ourselves.
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When Family Members Push Our Buttons: How This Helps Us Grow
“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~Pema Chodron
You love them most of the time. You can’t stand them some of the time. But in the end, family is family.
I’ve never liked to admit it, but I am just like my dad. Close in birthday, same number 5 life path in numerology, both risk takers, very passionate and adventurous, fun-loving, and witty, and we lead by example. That’s positively speaking.
However, it becomes a negative pattern to focus on the other side of the coin. We both have the ability to become angry, withdrawn, and addicted to drama, and we both try to please everyone then resent others for their own imbalance.
Do you think it’s any surprise the family you were born into?
I used to blame my snappy behavior on my dad, whether at work, with girlfriends, or in social environments. “It’s my conditioning,” was my excuse I told myself. That’s exactly what it is from my perspective—an excuse.
On closer self-reflection, I found myself getting angrier and angrier that I was like my dad and becoming more like him.
Even though he’s a great guy, whenever I had a frustrating moment or lost my temper, I would blame him. No accountability or responsibility for my beliefs and actions, or the decisions I had made that led me to my current state.
What this did was further fuel my anger because I began to resent myself too.
I didn’t love myself as a “whole,” warts and all. I only wanted to see the positive stuff, but that became harder to do when I didn’t acknowledge, understand, and process my shadow as a part of who I am. This neglect strangely disabled my ability to enjoy the more positive aspects of my nature.
From my perspective, my dad was waking me up to own my anger and helping me see how it was also of benefit and service to me.
This moment came to a head at a FedEx Office when an employee made a remark to me that made me feel stupid. Well, that’s how I interpreted it at the time anyway. I hadn’t read the signs on how to use the self-service computers, and the employee reminded me in a condescending tone to read the signs over to my left.
That was enough for me to lose it. “What the hell did you just say to me?” I snapped.
I went from zero to a thousand in an instant and kept shouting like a crazy person. I could feel my head boil. It was then that a friend called on my cell. I stepped away, while the employee looked stunned and embarrassed by my behavior, while the women in line clutched their pearls so to speak.
I picked up the call and subconsciously said, “Don’t mind me, just having a moment here at Fed Ex. Snapped like my Dad.”
There went the finger of blame. Once again, I refused to accept that I could behave that way. My easy-going nature was where I liked to focus my awareness.
The idea that I could sting with my words in a heartbeat, I chose to neglect. It reminded me too much of my dad and how I didn’t like it when he cut me off from a sentence or adamantly refused to see things from my perspective. It was his fault that this was becoming an all too familiar occurrence was my excuse.
Thankfully, my friend on the phone is also a mentor, so he reminded me it was time to take a closer look.
“If your dad is the constant focus of your anger, what is he trying to wake you up to? Can you see he is subconsciously summoning you to investigate a part of yourself that desperately needs attention?” he asked.
It’s hard looking at yourself in the mirror when you may see an aspect of yourself you deny. But in order for me to understand my anger, I needed to become familiar with it and take responsibility.
By owning the positive side of my angry outbursts, I could stop judging myself and release blame directed at my dad.
Sound a little weird? Stay with me.
At home with a pen and paper, I wrote down every benefit I could think of, which told me how being angry was also of service to me. Some benefits included:
- Anger helps me take action; the fire within motivates me to go after what I really want. It helps me create tunnel vision and to block out anything or anyone that I see as a distraction to my goals.
- It adds to the emotion and depth of my writing, which can only add to its authenticity.
- It gives me an opportunity to practice accepting my shadow side. I don’t need to fight my anger; I just need to understand it and become more mindful of how I use it. This becomes a practice of accepting myself as I am.
By the time I had finished this exercise, which quickly became a page and a half, I felt a huge weight had lifted. The more self-aware I became, the less my anger bubbled to the surface.
I believe that was because I let myself off the hook. I forgave myself for being angry and forgave my dad for how he was. That in of itself was a huge weight to lift off my chest. Understanding it made me calmer and accentuated my ability to enjoy the more “positive” aspects of my nature.
This is, I believe, what my dad was waking me up to. I’ll say it again:
Do you think it’s any surprise the family you were born into? Think about it. Considering the amount of time we spend with our families growing up, it comes as no surprise that certain family members seriously push our buttons.
Why do they push our buttons? To help us discover what we’re meant to work through in this lifetime. Simply put, to help us grow. They are our teachers to help us wake up to parts of ourselves that need attention, understanding, and in some cases healing.
When rubbed the wrong way, the idea is to be able to take a closer look at ourselves and grow. What are these button pushers trying to teach us? Why do we react the way we do? What pain point are they touching? Are we willing to admit this and address it? Are we willing to not take it all so personally?
I believe that there are no accidents. I believe that our birth into our individual families is not random. Even if you don’t share this belief, you can still choose to see your challenging relationships as opportunities for growth, thereby empowering yourself instead of victimizing yourself.
The invitation to grow can help us be more empathetic, compassionate, loving, self-aware, trusting, authentic, confident, and less self-absorbed, jealous, envious, uncooperative, angry, and impatient.
You might be thinking, “Well, my brother bullies me,” or “My mother was abusive.” Sure, they might have been and probably were. But what do we know about hurt people? They hurt others.
Put yourself in his or her shoes. Imagine how much he is hurting or what dis-ease she has in her body? You have no idea what it is like to walk in their shoes. And look, it doesn’t give them a “get out of jail free card,” but it does give you an opportunity to become stronger and more self-aware, and to tap into a deeper understanding of your authenticity.
Maybe the bully of the family is summoning you to stand up for yourself, believe in yourself. Maybe your mother is calling for you to treat yourself with more kindness, so you can then teach others how to be kind.
I could go into a billion examples in family relationships, but the point I’m making is that your family is designed to help you grow. The task at hand is to wake up and pay attention to what each one of them has to teach you.
