Tag: wisdom
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When It’s Hard to Trust: 5 Reminders to Soothe New Relationship Anxiety
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway
“I’m happy. That’s all you need to know.”
These were the final words I spoke to the first person who ever broke my heart and nearly broke my spirit along with it.
He came into my life unexpectedly, and with a ray of light so radiant it uplifted me and gave me hope in the midst of a dark and challenging year. But after only a few short months, that light burned out as he cast me aside quietly, slowly, for reasons I will always struggle to fathom.
The emotional struggle and plethora of mistakes I made in the aftermath of that separation was profound.
I lost weight, cried more than any one person should cry, maintained a painful and dysfunctional involvement with this person, full of blurred lines and manipulation, found myself being referred to a psychiatrist I could barely afford to see, stopped reading books, stopped taking care of myself, lost myself, gave parts of myself away, and eventually made an honest attempt to pick myself up off the ground and do the work of getting my life back together.
It wasn’t easy. It took months of heartache and grief that ultimately came to a head when this person said something very cruel to me after I tried to express my pain and disappointment to him, thus twisting the knife deeper into our damaged relationship. After that incident, I became fed up in all the ways I needed to be.
I minimized contact. I placed my time and energy elsewhere. I made a point to get out at least once a week and do something that made me feel happy and good about myself.
Things began to look up, and my heart began to heal. I was taking steps in the right direction, but I still had a painful attachment to him that I couldn’t seem to break. Until, on a typical and fortuitous afternoon, I met someone else.
Although I didn’t immediately recognize him, I eventually remembered that we went to high school together. I also remembered that he had a crush on me in tenth grade, although I later learned that it lasted for years more than that and his affection ran much deeper than the average high school crush. So when he saw me again that day, his feelings resurfaced and word got around to me about it.
After our first date, I could already feel the chapter with my ex coming to a close.
I had someone wonderful right in front of me—someone who set the standard for how I wanted and deserved to be treated, someone who saw and believed in my worth from the moment he laid eyes on me a decade prior, someone who taught me to let go and let be.
And although love was the very last thing I was looking for at the time, I was nonetheless given the flash of insight I needed to make emotionally healthier choices.
“I’m happy. That’s all you need to know.”
And I was happy. I was happier than I’d been in months. But what I didn’t reveal was that I was also anxious and full of doubt.
Escaping a toxic and dysfunctional relationship and entering one full of promise and longevity can be challenging. There’s a sense of collateral damage. There’s a sense of unease and defensiveness.
The nature of my new relationship was different and better in every way, but I still found myself thinking, feeling, and acting out in ways I knew were unhealthy, likely making my partner feel as though he needed to fix me.
After the initial newness wore off and the relationship progressed into something stable and exclusive, I put him and perceived shortcomings under a microscope.
When he told me how great and special I was, I thought he was exaggerating. When he was having an off day or didn’t shower me with a steady flow of attention, I turned resentful and passive aggressive. When he expressed his desire to spend a lifetime making me happy, I broke down in tears of fear that he would disappoint me.
Every day I feel almost entirely certain that it will be the day he realizes I’m damaged goods and he’s wasting his time. The slightest trigger will leave me feeling anxious and discouraged, and the slightest misunderstanding will leave me feeling defensive and ready for impact.
No matter how many times he convinces me that he loves me deeply, is doing the best he can, and wants to be with me for as long as possible, I can’t help but poke holes in his words and actions.
Perhaps it’s a defensive mechanism. Perhaps it’s a fear of my own flaws. Perhaps it’s an ugly scar.
My last relationship broke me down and chipped away at my ability to trust. It wrecked my heart and my mind. It instilled thought and behavioral patterns that have proven to be difficult to break.
Because of my past, the relationship I’ve always dreamed of having has fallen under unnecessary stress. And although my partner has yet to complain about it, I know that if I don’t work on reprogramming my mind and adjusting my behavior, our connection will eventually suffer in ways that can be so easily avoided.
If you too are suffering from new relationship anxiety and trust issues planted by a past relationship, you may need these five essential reminders that have helped me on my own journey.
1. Your current partner is not your ex-partner.
It can be tempting to compare the two, whether internally or aloud, but it’s important to remember that your new partner is an entirely different person waiting to play an entirely different role in your life story. Don’t give your past a single reason to sabotage your future or dirty up a perfectly clean slate.
2. Pause before you react.
This is a hard one for me, but before you assume anything or unduly react to any type of perceived conflict, pause and reflect on where your thoughts and feelings are coming from. Could insecurity, fear, or trauma be at play? Is the conflict real or imagined?
Being preoccupied is not the same as ignoring you. Making a lighthearted and harmless comment is not the same as intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. Showing frequent love and affection is not the same as using you for personal gain.
Separate your emotions from your ego, and consider the rationality of your behavior before you react or respond to anything.
3. Expectation is the root of all disappointment.
Keep your expectations in check. When a relationship goes south, we often tend to carry residual expectations and disappoints into the next one. If you experience disappointment over something your partner said or did, ask yourself what you expected them to say or do instead. Then consider whether or not that expectation is fair and justified.
For example, expecting your partner to listen to your concerns and honor your needs is fair. Expecting them to read your mind, wait on you hand and foot, or make you the center of their world is not. Unfair expectations can poison a relationship if you don’t strive to recognize and release them.
4. Fix yourself before trying to fix your partner.
Be mindful of your tendency to project your flaws and insecurities onto your partner.
Projecting is a common mistake in many relationships because pointing the finger at the person closest to you is easier than turning it to yourself and being honest about whether or not your own internal dialogue is the actual source of the problem.
Before you decide to change something about your partner, consider what you might need to work on within yourself.
5. Trust is the glue that holds it all together.
I can’t even tell you how many times my partner has stressed the importance of trust after a misunderstanding or moment of doubt and insecurity on my end. Time and experience has taught me that trust is vital to the success of any relationship, but it’s something I clearly need to work on after years of being hurt and misled.
While trust may not be an easy thing for many couples, it helps to remember that if your partner is someone worth being with, they will never give you a reason not to trust them.
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7 Strategies to Stay Sane This Holiday Season
“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti
It’s that time of year again. The fresh scent of an evergreen fills the house. Strains of “Silent Night” and “Jingle Bells” permeate the airwaves. Once again, I unpack the fragile, ceramic Santa that I made as a gift for my mom when I was five. Suddenly, I’m transported back in time—for better or for worse.
The holidays should be joyous times filled with family and friends, but sometimes the very traditions that give meaning to this season also trigger old fears, hurts, and anxieties. (And if you’re prone to Season Affective Disorder (SAD), the lack of warmth and sunshine can zap your goodwill toward men, and women, too.)
Then last year—after lots of recovery and mindfulness practice—I determined to navigate the holidays in a healthier manner. I decided to accept the reality of my Christmas crazies and choose to respond differently when things (inevitably) became stressful.
Since I was so good at making lists of gifts to buy others and errands to run and obligations to fulfill, why not make a list of ways to manage my emotional well-being? If you’re like me and tend to succumb to the holiday crazies, these strategies may help maintain your sanity, too.
1. Stock up on sanity savers.
When I went through my divorce, my therapist had me make a list of things—such as taking a hot bubble bath or calling a good friend—to do when I became anxious. Even when I’m not in all-out crisis mode, this form of self-care helps me maintain a more peaceful perspective. By thinking of these soothing activities ahead of time, I know exactly what to do when stressful situations appear.
2. Reel in expectations.
Repeat after me: “There is no such thing as a perfect holiday.” Something will go wrong. My brother-in-law will say something inappropriate at the family dinner. Gifts will get lost in the mail. The turkey will be raw in the middle. The ornaments will not all be evenly spaced on the tree—and it will be okay.
3. Keep a meltdown journal.
When something or someone inevitably pushes my buttons, I make note of it in my “meltdown” journal. I include details about what occurred before my meltdown and record if I was hungry, tired, lonely, or hormonal. Writing it all down helps me recognize patterns and also serves as a safe way to vent my frustrations.
4. Check motives at the door.
Do not, I repeat, do not give anything to anyone if you expect so much as a “thank you” in return. Seriously. One of the worst holiday meltdowns I’ve had in recent years was when a friend didn’t express (what I felt was) the proper amount of gratitude for my gift. This year, my presents may be decorated with ribbons, but they will not come with strings attached.
5. Own your inner Grinch.
If you’re feeling cranky because it seems like you always give more than you receive, or visa versa, set a limit for spending or call a truce on personal gift-giving. My very generous friends and I did this years ago, and it immediately improved my holiday spirit because I didn’t have to fret that my Christmas gifts were “good” enough.
6. Break up with tradition.
If you’re doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome, you’re going to become nuttier than a fruitcake. (Albert Einstein wasn’t necessarily talking about the holidays when he coined the definition of insanity, but it applies.)
Hearing “Jingle Bells,” the smell of gingerbread, or seeing your friends’ cheesy family photo holiday cards may inspire warm feels, or be cruel reminders of stressful, lonely times.
For example, when I was single, it was hard being the third-wheel at New Year’s Eve dinner parties, so rather than accept invitations that made me uncomfortable, I established a new tradition. New Year’s Eve became a time for quiet contemplation. (And now share that tradition with my honey.)
7. Be mindful for goodness sakes.
When anxiety strikes, it’s easy to stuff feelings, along with a mountain of sugar cookies. Over the holidays I double my effort to stock up on healthy snacks and non-alcoholic beverages. Then I post the question “Why?” on the fridge to help remind me of my motivations before I indulge. If I really want that treat, then I proceed; but if I’m eating because I’m anxious, I try to sooth myself with a more healthy activity. (See Tip 1.)
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Simply reflecting on this list, makes me aware of how the holidays can affect my mood, and helps me reclaim the festive season. Now I can revision the season as a time to be grateful for all the positive aspects of my life, and the progress I’ve made since I made the decision to release the ghosts of Christmas’ past.
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Why No One Needs “Fixing” or Wants Unsolicited Advice
“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’re lost.” ~Dalai Lama
Have you ever felt the urge to fix someone? And by fix I mean observe their circumstances and tell them what you think they’re doing wrong and exactly how you think they should fix it?
We’ve all done it. We’re all guilty.
Especially with close friends or family.
“If he would only listen to me and do what I say then everything would work out just fine!”
Sound familiar?
I was having tea with a good friend the other week (let’s call her Sally), and she was relating with much exasperation the story of how her sister was wasting her life in her corporate job when she was SO creative and should be working for herself in a creative role. And then she would be happy (according to Sally). Which apparently she’s not (according to Sally).
Sally went on further to say (with as much exasperation) that she had called her and conveyed this opinion to her sister. Because Sally felt she was right and that her sister needed saving. Not surprisingly, it was not very well received. In fact, Sally’s sister was pretty miffed. And didn’t take the advice. Or speak to her for ages.
I’m willing to bet Sally’s sister didn’t even consider the advice. Not for a minute. And not because she disagrees but more likely because she’s offended at being told what to do. After all, she didn’t ask Sally for an opinion.
And there’s the first problem.
If someone doesn’t ask for your opinion, they’re likely not open to it hearing it.
It’s quite simple really.
When you ask a question it’s because you’re interested in hearing the answer.
Which means you’re interested in the topic being discussed.
Which further means you’re going to consider the answer with interest and (hopefully) decide from an unemotional stance as to whether you agree with it or not.
The opposite applies when an opinion—however well intended—is provided without your consent.
Had Sally’s sister called and asked for advice, the outcome may have been quite different.
In my early twenties I remember having tea with my mom and enthusing excitedly about a new business idea I’d had. Now, my mom was from the “old school” where job security was your first priority, and in her world it was safest to find a “nice” job in a “nice” company and stay there until you retire or die (whichever comes first).
Unsurprisingly, her response to my idea was one of complete skepticism and doubt. Which she verbalized immediately. Very loudly. And critically.
In those days I didn’t have the awareness I have now. I didn’t see that this was simply her own fears being transferred onto me and had absolutely nothing to do with me. Nope, I reacted. Badly. And took it personally.
After all, I hadn’t asked her for her opinion. I was just sharing an idea.
I had expected her to be enthusiastic about my enthusiasm. To be supportive. To trust my judgment.
Instead, I felt incredibly crushed. And I started doubting myself.
And I felt a lot of anger toward her.
But most importantly, I stopped sharing my dreams with her. And over the years I told her less and less. Because I knew she’d give me her (fearful) opinion. For which I had never asked.
The second problem is, you’re assuming the person needs fixing, that what they’re doing is “wrong.”
Our journey in this lifetime is our own. We’re the only ones who know what is best for us. And only we have a full perspective of all the elements of our lives and how they serve us.
Even when we’re facing challenges, they are ours to face down. Our way. And when we see fit.
Yes, we need to take responsibility for any fall-out, but isn’t that where our growth lies? Making choices and then dealing with the consequences? Good or bad?
Maybe Sally’s sister is comfortable in her current corporate position. Maybe she feels secure with her stable income. And maybe she uses her creativity in a different way within her current position.
Maybe from her perspective she doesn’t have a problem.
My parents had a terrible relationship. At least that’s what I always told myself.
They argued. Constantly.
There was little or no affection. Ever.
I always wondered why they stayed together. Surely they would both be happier apart? This relationship was simply wrong.
In my view it epitomized the very essence of all the things you shouldn’t do or be in any relationship. And I told my mom this. Even though she hadn’t asked.
Shortly after they both retired they moved to the coast to be closer to their grandchild. My dad had always been a workaholic and in his career he had travelled a lot. Not surprisingly, this really suited my mom. She loved her own company. Now in retirement he was home. All the time. And followed her around like a puppy.
She was unhappy. Incredibly so. And would vent this to me at any opportunity.
From my perspective, the answer was obvious. It was time to end this sham of a union. And I told her just that. With abundant justification and a healthy dose of righteousness.
It was simple. If she would just Do. As. I. Say.
But she didn’t. I don’t even think she really heard me. She did what we all do when we get uninvited “solutions” to our perceived problems: She got defensive. Really defensive. About her marriage and my dad.
And we argued quite aggressively and loudly. And then we didn’t speak for many weeks as we both simmered in quiet indignation. I absolutely believed I was right.
And yet, now that I’m older and wiser, I can look back and see that in my parents’ world it was right.
For them.
It worked.
For her. And him.
We can never know how someone else’s circumstances (however bad they seem) will serve them in the bigger picture of their life’s journey.
We can never know what someone else’s perspective is around an event that we may judge as bad. Or wrong.
Maybe in their world it’s right. Or good.
It’s hard (really hard) to watch people we love go through hardship. Our instinct is to help. Or fix.
But remember.
In any relationship our only obligation is to show up and bear witness. Unconditionally. That’s all. We only ever want to fix someone because ultimately it’ll make us feel better.
Why do we feel uncomfortable when someone close is facing challenges? Maybe that’s the question we need to ask ourselves.
Sometimes feeling discomfort is what provides the momentum that’s needed for that person to make some changes. In their own time. Not ours.
Trust that their judgment will serve them irrespective of whether we agree with it or not.
Respect their journey.
Try it next time you feel the urge to fix.
That’s your growth right there.
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9 Ways to Silence Self-Criticism and Embrace Self-Love
“I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green
Do you ever wonder if that voice in your head is right?
Do you relive events, scouring through every detail to look for places where you went wrong in your actions?
Do you ever walk away from a conversation with your inner voice ranting that you should have done better—that you should have said this or that instead?
That self-critical voice became a prominent friend of mine. I called it the gremlin. The gremlin leapt onto my shoulder after every conversation with a friend or acquaintance. Whispering in my ear in a snarky voice, repeating every sentence and telling me what I should’ve said instead.
The gremlin and I would have dinner together after a shopping trip and review how much I’d spent, critiquing what I should have left at the store. We would then scrutinize the meal I’d just eaten and have a dash of dessert, since I had already gone overboard. This would inevitably be followed by a vicious verbal attack on my body.
The worst part was that the gremlin played on my insecurities, exposed my weaknesses, and actually made me more critical of others (in an attempt to silence my criticism of myself).
I realized how detrimental a friend the gremlin was when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. During a group therapy exercise, I could not write down two people who I thought would have something good to say about me. I just sat there with tears from my ugly-cry falling in my lap. It robbed me of any joy in relationships with others and myself.
It was a devastating eye-opener.
Allowing the gremlin to run the show had eroded my self-love and ruined my self-esteem.
Self-criticism had dirtied my mind into thinking that nothing would ever go my way. I had nothing left inside that seemed admirable. All that I had experienced and achieved up until that point had no meaning for me.
I eventually managed to break it off with my self-critical voice and built unconditional self-love. But it took consistent practice in searching for my own valuable qualities.
These are some of the methods that worked for me:
1. Confront your own gremlin.
Confrontation is difficult, especially if it’s a part of yourself that you’re confronting.
But if you want to rid yourself of your gremlin, you have to do it.
How?
One of the first things I did was consciously examine every thought. I listened to the tone of my internal dialogue. I found that it was not a loving or supportive voice.
It was hard to recognize at first, but with practice I heard the distinct voice of my gremlin. I began to question its validity. Were its criticisms actually true? Was it taking things out of context?
I questioned the beliefs about myself that the gremlin had been whispering to me all those years. I realized I had taken many things out of context, and my inner criticisms were extreme and punitive.
Would it surprise you if I told you it is actually very satisfying to call out your gremlin and put it on sabbatical? It is a relief to confront the unending criticism and listen for a more supportive voice. When you stop taking its criticisms to heart, you’ll finally open yourself to self-love.
2. Choose gentle observation.
This world is a competitive place, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of scrutinizing your abilities. You have a lot invested and want to control the outcome of your experiences. This can create high expectations and disappointment when things do not run smoothly.
At one of my past jobs, if I made a mistake, I would end up falling into the pattern of berating myself all day long. This accumulated until I no longer felt I did a good job, lowering my self-esteem.
Now I choose to gently observe my productivity and monitor my progress. If I make a mistake, I correct it to the best of my ability and move on.
It is through repeated acknowledgement that your self-love is able to blossom. Create a habit of recognizing a kinder vision of yourself—one that is more humane.
3. Forgive yourself, and then forgive yourself again.
We all make mistakes, but even tragic ones do not warrant withholding self-love. Self-forgiveness is an art that needs to be practiced and reinforced, especially when you’ve got a harsh internal self-critic.
My gremlin has berated me through the years about not being a dedicated parent due to my time spent on self-care. To prevent myself from slipping back into depression and anxiety, self-care has become my lifeline and a way to maintain good health. Occasionally I have to put it before my family so I may attend groups or self-improvement classes.
My family feels the impact of it, and when they protest, my self-critic whispers until I feel guilty.
So I forgive myself for the time I’ve spent away. I forgive myself for forgetting something important that they told me because I was preoccupied with keeping my mind quiet. I forgive myself for putting myself at the top of my priority list.
Forgiveness is a skill to be honed and perfected. The main benefit is freedom from the scorn of your inner critic. So forgive yourself daily.
Every night before you go to sleep, make some time in your bedtime ritual to forgive yourself for something, even if it’s just a small mistake or done out of necessity. Tell yourself it’s okay, that these things happen, and see if there is a way to improve the situation.
4. Expand your view.
Sometimes you only see what is in focus. But when you focus on something too closely, you miss all the beautiful scenery. A Monet painting looks like mere splotches if you scrutinize it closely. But when you look at it from a distance, its beauty is breathtaking.
In the past, whenever a friend hadn’t returned a call or was late for a night out, my gremlin would tell me they didn’t like me anymore. It would tell me it’s me and I was sliding down the popularity scale.
But this was never the case. Whenever I expanded the view, I realized my friends had their own lives keeping them busy, and they missed me as much as I missed them. When we would finally get together, we had a great time, and I would experience all the love that was available to me.
Your inner critic will always focus on the negative possibilities and make everything your fault. But when you expand your view, you’ll see the world is a very intricate, complicated piece of art meant to be appreciated as a whole.
5. Let go of judgment.
Life unfolds, and conversations evolve in the moment. It is when we look back with the benefit of hindsight that we judge ourselves for what was said and done. This habit is difficult to break.
Recently, I had a conversation with my daughter. It really could have gone better. We ended up yelling, screaming, and crying. I let my emotions control my responses.
My gremlin started in, and I immediately shut it down. I could have easily let it rage on with the judgments. I recognized that I could’ve done a better job of pausing and controlling my emotions.
When you recognize those moments in which you’re judging yourself, show yourself compassion. You didn’t know how that moment would develop. You were just doing the best you could.
It’s okay to think about what went wrong, but only in the spirit of improving yourself so that you don’t make the same mistakes.
6. Choose something different.
The inner critic often falls into certain thought patterns, and recognizing these patterns can help you develop different ones. A common phrase your inner critic may use, for example, is, “You always . . .”
My self-critic would tell me, “You always interrupt people when they are talking.”
It was true. I felt an inner excitement to share my experience when someone was talking with me, and I would interrupt them. I started to purposefully pause and became a deep listener. It has given me a deeper connection to the people I encounter.
Listen for your inner critic’s distinct phrases; it’s a key time to evaluate the situation and try a different approach or reaction. This is probably one of the only times your inner critic is being helpful.
When you choose a different way to act or react, you hone your skills and gain confidence in making choices that are beneficial to yourself and others.
7. Remove the shackles.
Sometimes being chained to your self-critic becomes comfortable and keeps you in familiar surroundings. The voice tells you to stay put, or you risk failure.
What part of you is afraid to try something new? The freedom to explore new opportunities can uncover talents you possess, build upon your strengths, and may even lead to a new career or hobby.
I benched my inner critic and started playing ice hockey at forty-three years old despite the fact I couldn’t skate at first. I gained new friends, improved my health, and learned some teamwork skills.
The next time you recognize that your self-critic is keeping you safe, sign up for that class you’ve been eyeing or do something epic. Call that crazy friend of yours who is always going skydiving, and give it a try. You may just find an activity you become passionate about.
8. Recognize yourself in others.
We can often see others’ strengths more clearly and forgive their mistakes more easily than our own. But the qualities you see in other people are in you as well. It’s called the mirror effect.
If you practice thinking kindly of and speaking kindly to others, it’s easier to recognize your common strengths.
For example, pick two people now. What strengths do you admire in them? What do you normally compliment them on? Make a list of those strengths. Where do you see them in yourself as well?
Optimize how you can rely on those strengths to help build more self-love.
9. Unwrap your imperfection like a gift.
Your gremlin has been sharing your imperfections with you for years. Acknowledge how those traits can work for you in your life.
I have always been obsessive to the point that it has prevented me from finishing projects and kept me up all hours of the night. Simple projects that someone else would complete as “good enough” would become epic projects exacting perfection for me.
My gremlin would tell me if I didn’t do something the right way, I shouldn’t bother doing it at all.
But while this obsessiveness can be a curse, it can also be a blessing. You’ll never find me delivering sloppy work.
For instance, when I was a teenager, I had pleasantly surprised my parents when they had me sand the peeling bathroom ceiling, and it came out as smooth as silk.
And as an adult, I ran a large craft fair. I’d obsess over every detail for months, but this resulted in every fair going off without a hitch for the five years I helped.
No matter what perceived flaws you have, you are an extraordinary human being. When have these flaws actually been helpful, and when have they hindered you? Choose to work on two flaws that would vastly improve your life, and accept the others as unique personality traits.
Live free from Self-Criticism and Embrace Self-Love
Since I’ve been challenging my inner critic, I no longer waste time putting myself down. Instead, I have developed a deep appreciation for my personal strengths and feel more confident. My depression is gone, and my anxiety has subsided. My mind doesn’t race after every conversation, and I feel a sense of peace most days.
You too can experience this kind of freedom.
It takes a simple awareness that will develop easily if you pick one or two of these methods and start to use them mindfully. Your skills at recognizing your self-critic will slowly build until you are not listening to it at all.
Give yourself permission to let that cantankerous voice go and replace it with a supportive, empowering recognition of your strengths.
Radiate so much love for yourself that the gremlin will be stunned into silence.
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Don’t Try to Get Over Your Fear; Go Through It Instead
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ~Frank Herbert, The Bene Gesserit “Litany Against Fear,” from the novel Dune
When I was very small, my grandmother would watch me while my parents were at work. Nana often wanted a break, and her house held very little to stimulate a pre-schooler, so she’d put a VHS tape in and sit me down in front of the TV.
The movie she put in most? La Bamba.
Maybe you’ve seen it, maybe not. I’ll give you a bit of history. It’s the life of Ritchie Valens, leading up to that fateful night he, Buddy Holly, and the Big Bopper all died in a fiery plane crash in Iowa.
So that was my introduction to air travel.
I probably watched that movie twice a day for months at a time. I can still vividly picture the opening scene’s fiery mid-air collision.
I haven’t seen La Bamba since I was seven or eight, but the deep, primal fear of flying it instilled in me lived on until I was almost thirty.
Now slide forward to my teenage years, and the first time I gave up a free trip to New York City, and then a class trip to Australia, because I was afraid. Then to my early twenties, when I passed up vacations and travel outside the country. I limited the colleges I wanted to apply to based on whether or not they were in driving distance.
And then, somehow, when I ended up moving all the way from Georgia to upstate New York for school, I drove that distance in a U-Haul, and didn’t see my family for years because it was too far to drive again. When I finally did see them, three years later, I drove the fifteen-plus hours (one way), most of it in snow.
Not everyone needs to fly to have a happy life, but I think I did. I wanted to travel all over the world, but most of all, I hated that something so mundane was holding me back from anything. I needed to get over it, but I didn’t know how.
I tried self-hypnosis and guided hypnosis. I tried just “sucking it up.” I tried learning the mechanics of flight so I’d understand, rationally, that it was safe. I considered drugging myself with tranquilizers and having my family haul me onto an airplane while I couldn’t think about it. But the fear lingered on for fifteen years after I decided I wanted to end it.
The One Thing That Finally Helped Me Move Past My Fear
I first bought the book Dune, by Frank Herbert, when I was in high school. I first read it about eight years later, when I could find interest in more than the cover art. Since then, it’s become my favorite book. My husband and I are reading it together now, me for the second time and him for the first.
It’s a huge book. Epic, engrossing, transcendental—just like my fear of flying. If you haven’t read it, do. I can’t recommend any other book as highly, and not just for the literary value or entertainment, but also for the lessons it teaches—not overtly, not preachy.
Dune teaches environmentalism, politics, race and gender issues, religion, and philosophy without saying it. When you read it, you internalize all of those issues without even realizing it.
And that’s where I found the beginning of the ending to my fear.
There is a mantra repeated several times, taught to the Bene Gesserit, a sect of women who are highly trained in physical and mental arts that skim the border between possible and impossible in our world. That mantra is the Litany Against Fear, quoted at the top of this essay. The Bene Gesserit, and the son of one, our hero in Dune, use the mantra to remind themselves not to bother with fear.
It goes beyond looking in a mirror and telling yourself “you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you,” as Stuart Smalley said on SNL.
In Dune, the Litany Against Fear can change the entire mental space of the character reciting it. Its value is that it allows a person to defeat the chaos fear brings to our minds. If they defeat that chaos, Dune’s heroes can get through suicidal situations, or mentally slow their life processes down so they don’t need air for half an hour. While that kind of physiological control is probably outside of our human abilities, the value is still apparent:
We can alter our response to fear.
How Fear Causes Chaos
Fear is a natural response, but it brings chaos with it. Our heads fill up with black, chaotic thoughts, and depending on how strong the fear is, we’re left stuck, unable to act. This is what happened to me with my fear of flying. I was stuck, constantly, in a state of indecision: I wanted to go places. I wanted to accept invitations. I couldn’t.
Maybe if I wait a day or two, I could, I would think. But I never did.
What Dune teaches us with the Litany is that humanity can overcome fear where animals can’t. Our primal urge when confronted with fear is to run, hide, escape. But as humans, we don’t have to do that. We don’t have to react just because fear acts.
The second half of the Litany reads:
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.There is the answer to the chaos fear causes.
There is no inherent problem with fear. The problem comes when the fear remains because then that chaos lives on, affecting our minds and bodies with its insidious, chronic destruction.
When I first read the passage containing the full Litany, I got chills. I realized I was facing this fear of flying over and over, day after day, without resolution, when I could just face it once, let it pass over me and through me, and once I’d landed, I could look back and there would be nothing.
“Just face your fear” is way easier said than done. We all know that. But what if you looked at it differently? What if you didn’t tell yourself it would be okay, that it’s not actually as scary as it seems, that everything would be fine?
I’ve heard that fear kills you over and over, when instead you could die just once at the end of a good life.
What if you told yourself: I know I’m afraid. This is really scary. But, I’m doing this anyway because every time I fear this thing, it kills me over and over—just as much as if the plane really did go down. I may have to face the fear again in the future, but each time I do, I’ll be better at it and stronger than it.
Because you can’t go through life letting fear stop you, or you’ll never start anything. And you’ve got a life for a reason. You’re meant to start something amazing with it. But you’ve got to accept your fear first.
Don’t try to get over fear. Go through it instead.
Let yourself be afraid the first time you do something that scares you. Let yourself feel the fear for a moment, and then acknowledge it and let it flow past you.
Destroying the Chaos and Moving Past Fear
When I fully internalized that realization, I knew I would never let fear dominate me again. I was afraid of flying, but so what?
I got a single line from the Litany tattooed on myself, where few people would see it, and written backwards so that whenever I stood in front of a mirror, I’d see it, read it, and remember it.
The day I first stepped onto an airplane, I stood in front of the mirror for a long time, staring at that tattoo. I told myself I was afraid. I told myself we might crash. And then I got on the plane.
Now I look back and there’s nothing there.
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10 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion and Overcome Your Shame
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“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” ~Kristin Neff
I consider myself to be a very compassionate person, but I’ve struggled a great deal with self-compassion. Though I’ve now been sober for over six years, back when I was drinking I made a lot of mistakes, and it’s taken me a long time to have empathy and understanding for myself.
While drinking, I did and said a lot of things that made me feel ashamed and unhappy. When I drank, one of my go-to moves was giving into a sudden, intense desire to leave (or attempt to leave) a bar or party.
This feeling, as I vaguely remember it, hit me unexpectedly and aggressively. It was as if, at random, a little voice in the back of my head would start whispering, You have to leave. Right now. It doesn’t matter how you get home or how far from how you are, but you have to get back to there. NOW.
I realize now that this voice piped up because, deep down, I am intensely introverted. Alcohol was the fuel I used to tolerate social situations that I just didn’t really enjoy. At some point in the evening, the “real me” would speak up and insist she’d had enough socializing and must leave. And I almost always listened.
Sometimes this was a mere inconvenience—I left friends behind as I hopped into a cab solo or dragged them with me, convincing them the night was no longer fun and we should leave—but oftentimes it was downright dangerous.
I hazily remember a night I simply left the bar and, realizing I couldn’t make it home in my inebriated state, decided to lie down in the middle of a city sidewalk. (This sounds comical, but it was not at all funny to those who found me or to the loved ones who had to negotiate with me to get me off the ground.)
In another faded memory, I insisted I had to return home when I was staying the night at my aunt’s house—over an hour away from where I lived. Keys in hand, I stumbled to my car before being stopped by not one but three family members who were forced to stand in the freezing cold, bargaining and pleading with me until I eventually relinquished my keys.
Similar situations played out many times over the course of all the years I was drinking, and friends and family were not always successful in their negotiations.
After these must-leave-immediately outbursts, I would excuse my crazy behavior with a wave of the hand and a laugh, insisting I’d just had too much to drink and it wouldn’t happen again. Deep down, I was deeply ashamed of my behavior, and even more ashamed when it inevitably did happen again.
And, to compound the shame, these strange, disruptive, and often dangerous outbursts were only one negative side effect of my drinking problem. For over a decade, I was trapped in a vicious cycle of drink -> do/say something stupid (like trying to leave when it was inappropriate or dangerous) -> feel bad about it -> drink to relieve the shame and pain, and then back to the start again.
It was frustrating, disheartening, and agonizing. It wasn’t until I began having compassion for myself—truly experiencing concern over my suffering, rather than merely pointing a finger at myself in the mirror—that I was able to deal with my underlying pain and finally get (and stay) sober.
While sobriety isn’t for everyone, the notion of using compassion to make more positive life choices applies to all of us. We all do and say things we feel ashamed of. And, because of that, we all need to compassionately care for ourselves in order to fully heal from our mistakes. Here are some of the best ways I’ve found to cultivate self-compassion:
1. Transform your mindset.
Sadly, it’s often challenging to lift yourself up (particularly if you’re feeling really low or ashamed), but if you want to create compassion for yourself, you have to change your mindset.
For me, self-compassion started with changing my thoughts. I started focusing on the fact that my behavior was bad, not me. Once I started labeling behavior (instead of myself as whole), I was able to be kinder to myself and open up my mind to the possibility that I could make changes.
2. Speak (and think!) kindly about yourself.
Hand in hand with the first step is speaking and thinking kindly about yourself. Your words are incredibly powerful, and if you continuously tell yourself you’re unworthy, a mess, or unforgiveable, you’ll soon start to believe it.
I did this for a long time, calling myself things like “crazy” or “out of control,” but once I started changing my words, stopping myself every time I wanted to laugh off my behavior with a negative label, I began having more compassion for myself.
I was a person making bad choices, not a bad person. If you struggle with this step, imagine talking about yourself as you would talk about your best friend.
3. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
Forgiveness is vital for self-compassion. We all make mistakes, but not all of us forgive ourselves for them. Depending on the mistake, this can be a very daunting task, but keep in mind that you cannot go back (no matter how badly you might want to), so the best thing to do is to choose forgiveness and forward motion.
Whenever I did something inappropriate, instead of shrugging it off or excusing my behavior, I started apologizing for it, both to others and to myself. Again, I focused on the fact that I wasn’t bad; it was my behavior that was.
4. Spend time doing things you truly enjoy.
If you’re struggling with shame, enjoying pleasurable activities can be seen as something you don’t deserve. But each and every one of us deserves to engage in joyful, uplifting, and exciting experiences.
Allowing yourself to experience true happiness—to take time from your life to do something you love—is an act of compassion.
When I found myself feeling ashamed for a mistake I’d made, I began making a conscious effort to understand what situation provoked that act and I strove to make choices that put me in more positive situations.
5. Strive to avoid judgments and assumptions.
Though assumptions and judgments are often based on experience or knowledge of some sort, it’s very hard to predict what will happen in life. When you judge yourself or make an assumption about what you will do in the future, you don’t give yourself an opportunity to choose a different path. Instead of limiting yourself, be open to all possibilities.
In my situation, I started assuming that I shouldn’t go to an event because I would inevitably cause a scene and have to leave. Little did I know that I’d eventually learn, with the help of therapy and self-compassion, to socialize sober. I had assumed that I would always be “wild,” but I’ve learned that you cannot know the future. Assumptions will only inhibit you.
6. Find common ground with others.
While self-compassion is about the way you care for yourself, one of the best ways to cultivate it is to create connections with others. When you open yourself up to sharing who you are with others, you’ll soon see that you’re not alone.
We all struggle to treat ourselves with kindness, and recognizing this can make the struggle more manageable.
At some point, I began admitting to friends and family that I had a problem. It was difficult to open up emotionally, but the more I did, the more I discovered that I wasn’t alone. Creating these stronger emotional ties made it so much easier to deal with my personal shame and to work toward more self-compassion.
7. Take care of your mind and your body.
One of the most compassionate things you can do for yourself is take care of your mind and body. Spend as much time as possible absorbing new information, and be sure to fill your mind and body with positive things (healthy food, good conversations, wisdom, etc.). Being mindful of what you consume and what you do with your energy is an important part of self-compassion.
Once I began doing this, I was able to recognize what did and didn’t make me feel good about myself. Admittedly, I didn’t always continue to seek out positive things (and still struggle to do so at times), but the awareness of what would and wouldn’t impact my mind and body positively gave me the opportunity to make more conscious, compassionate choices for myself.
8. Pay attention to where your passion lies.
Most of us are passionate about something. We have things that really matter to us ¾ a career, a hobby, our loved ones. Whatever it is that gets you excited, allow yourself to focus on that, and do what you can to spend more time enjoying it. Self-compassion means allowing yourself to be passionate, without shame or fear.
Around the time I started trying to get sober, I realized that my issues with alcohol were a reflection of deeper issues within my heart and mind. I started thinking more about my mindset and, as I explored this, I decided to start a blog to share what I found. It was at that time that my passion for self-discovery and my passion for writing merged, and Positively Present was born!
9. Realize it’s not all about you.
Rather than focusing on how we see ourselves, we often direct our attention to how we think others see us. It’s important not to do this for two reasons: (1) we don’t ever really know what others think and (2) more often than not, others aren’t thinking about you.
Letting go of external validation is a very compassionate choice.
It took me a long time to overcome this, particularly when it came to giving up drinking. For a long while, it felt like everyone was judging me, either because they thought I had a problem or, worse still, they themselves had a drinking problem and couldn’t understand why I was quitting.
As time passed, I discovered that most people didn’t care whether or not I drank—they just wanted me to be happy—and realizing this made it so much easier to do what was best for me.
10. Cultivate acceptance (even for your flaws).
Just because you accept something doesn’t mean that you like it. We all have attributes we don’t love, but the more you focus on accepting the things you cannot change, the more content you become with who you are.
One of the great challenges that came with my sobriety was realizing that I didn’t, in fact, like partying and barhopping as much as I’d claimed to. I’d made these things such a big part of my identity, and recognizing and accepting that they weren’t “me” was difficult (particularly because I had to overcome the notion that “introverted” was a negative characteristic).
I still struggle at times with being introverted—I often wish I could be social butterfly—but accepting my limitations and my true nature has been the greatest act of self-compassion. Doing so has allowed me to direct my energy and attention to the things I love about my life: my creativity, my writing, and the people who love me just as I am.
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Embracing these ten tips has helped me to cultivate more compassion for myself, and I’ve found that the more compassionate I am with myself—particularly when I’ve made a mistake or feel ashamed—the more compassionate I am with others as well.
The way you treat, think about, and talk to yourself isn’t just about you. It has a ripple effect that impacts all of your relationships and all of your choices, which is why it’s so important to choose self-compassion whenever possible. It changes your life and, in a greater sense, the world as well.
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The Giveaway
Dani has generously offered to give two sets of her two new books Compassion and Forgiveness, to Tiny Buddha readers. To enter to win a free set:
- Leave a comment below. You don’t have to write anything specific. “Count me in!” is sufficient.
- For an extra entry, share this post on one of your social media pages and include the link in your comment.
You can enter until midnight, PST, on Sunday, December 18th.
