Tag: wisdom
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The Key to Peace: Let Go of What “Should” Be and Accept What Is
“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” ~Wayne Dyer
Many of my friends are getting married and engaged, and when I compare myself to them I feel that I’ve somehow fallen behind. I scroll through my social media accounts and feel that my life is not as exciting or meaningful as theirs.
This belief of inferiority moves me out of the present moment and into a turbulent stream of fear that I won’t live up to what I perceive others have lived up to, or what I believe I could live up to. It makes me feel lacking and empty in the present moment, even though the eternal now is overflowing with abundance.
Recognizing this, I decided to change my belief. I may be single, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong with me or that I’m not good enough to be with anyone.
It means I’ve been given the opportunity to work on myself and to understand my goals, passions, and purpose, as well as to develop other types of relationships in my life that are not romantic in nature, including the most important one of all: the one I have with myself.
When it is the right time for me to share with someone, I will share myself with him completely, and with a deep appreciation for the beauty and sacredness of such a relationship.
As long as I fully accept this and don’t feel insecure about it, there’s really no problem.
Feeling like I should change brings me down into the low vibration of fear, and that is not conducive to attracting or sustaining the nurturing relationship I want.
A boyfriend is not a trophy, and I don’t want to have one for this purpose. I also don’t want to be closed off to new romantic interests because I feel inferior for not having as many previous partners as most people my age, which has become one of my biggest barriers to being vulnerable.
As long as I fully accept who I am, insecurity falls away and I can be authentic with other people, including potential romantic partners.
Making this kind of shift in perception is not as easy as it sounds, but it’s the most important step toward developing self-understanding and ultimately, achieving self-liberation. And by that I mean placing your higher self in the driver’s seat with your ego-self as a passenger rather than the other way around.
Your perspective is powerful, and it is the prime cause of excessive anxiety and fear. When my negative, ego-based judgments fuel an unhelpful cycle, I lose sight of the present moment and shift into an obsession over how I think my life should be.
Often, our ideas about how we think our life should be come from other people. Others may be insecure or unhappy about their own life, so they judge ours to make themselves feel better, or they may genuinely not want us to make the same mistakes they did. Either way, they are seeing things from their own lens, which reflects their experiences, not ours.
We can also get stuck comparing our personality, skills, and progress to what we think other people have achieved—as I often do when I use social media—and then think we are lacking in comparison. But the people we compare ourselves to are on completely different paths than us, and in reality they provide no accurate benchmark for our own journey.
The only person to which we should ever compare ourselves is our previous self or what we’d like our future self to be. Doing this in a nonjudgmental way will help lead us toward growth. But if you’re cruel to yourself by being harshly critical, you’ll be more likely to become your own worst enemy.
Sometimes we need to be critical of ourselves, but it’s important to do it in a loving, compassionate way that seeks real, deep change, not in a way that debilitates us from taking any active steps.
If I’m harshly critical of myself for not having as much romantic experience as I think I should have by my age, I won’t be open enough to connect with others the way I want to. It isn’t the lack of experience stopping me, it’s my judgment about what that means.
But my past doesn’t have to mean anything about my worth, and I don’t have to see my present as something to lament.
What we call “lack” can just as easily be seen as opportunity for growth. If you see the present as a failure and merely the means to an end, it can make you feel like you won’t be happy until you have something more, and you set yourself up for pain.
That pain is an indication that your pattern of thought is not conducive to becoming your highest self, and it acts as a trigger for you to change and/or heal the aspect of yourself that needs healing.
When we move toward our greatest self, we clear all the blocks to the natural peace that exists in the present moment, in our hearts.
While I want to grow and expand my perspective, I also know that I am perfect just the way I am right now. Fully feeling this frees my energy so I can use it to achieve my goals rather than wasting it on worrying that I’m not good enough.
When I allow myself to fully feel the present moment, no matter what it may encompass, and accept myself just the way I am now, I begin to feel peace coming back to me. I could choose to think about all the things I wish were different, but all that does is make me unhappy, and it certainly doesn’t facilitate the clarity of mind and heart required for changing any of those things.
Often, all we need is a small shift in perspective to realize that challenges are opportunities and our greatest teachers.
Be present now and experience the complete spectrum of the human experience as it unfolds. Feel the great fullness of this life. All is as it should be, and you are perfect just the way you are.
Sit with your pain. Sit with your joy. They both serve you.
Learn from the past. Plan for the future. But live only in the present.
Do this and you will remove the barriers to clarity and peace of mind. As the great Alan Watts succinctly and beautifully put it, “The future is of use only to those who live in the present.”
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Emotional Pain Doesn’t Go Away When You Numb It (with Alcohol or Anything Else)
“Making a big life change is pretty scary. But know what’s even scarier? Regret.” ~Zig Ziglar
It had been a long day at work. I’d had to work with new people, which always got my anxiety going, and had to put out a few fires. By the end of the day, I climbed into my car shaking on the outside and screaming on the inside. Sounds, light, and smells were like battering rams to my senses and my internal pressure was reaching explosive levels.
I had a prearranged dinner with my mom and sister at a local restaurant, and I hardly remembered driving there. It may have been wiser to cancel, but they wouldn’t take it well and I didn’t want to be alone with my pain.
I needed relief from the mental agony, to get some of the stress out, but my boyfriend was working and unavailable to talk and my family didn’t handle my “moods” very well. I was the first to arrive and ordered a glass of wine while I waited. It disappeared quickly.
I got another glass and went a little more slowly, finally relaxing enough to fake a smile for my mother and sister when they joined me.
Dinner was a blur as I tried to be enthusiastic and say and do all the right things, but when they left I felt all the pressure from earlier come back ten-fold. I made my way to the bar to numb the pain. Some time and several drinks later I blacked out.
I dealt with abuse and neglect growing up and was diagnosed with two mental health disorders as a young adult.
I tried many medications but when they didn’t help, I sought relief from the only thing that seemed to numb my mental agony—alcohol. It never lasted long, so I needed more and more until I was out of my head or passed out.
When I let myself, I can see a stream of images like a movie flash through my mind—so many nights spent getting wasted and countless mornings waking up unsure how I got home or where I had been.
The emotional aftermath was its own hell—full of fear, vulnerability, and regret. Anything could have happened to me while I was out of it.
I would have bruises from unknown sources and would be left wondering for days what had happened to me. Then would come the extra heartache and drama of finding out I had lost the tight reign on my emotions and trauma while drunk, spewed out all of my pain and anger, and hurt the people I love most.
I was truly on the verge of jail or death when it finally clicked in my brain that it had to stop. I was out of control, and rather than healing from my trauma and problems I was creating more. I was building a new mountain of regret and hurtful memories, not freeing myself from the ones I already had.
I was drinking to numb the pain, but after a few drinks my emotional pain would explode into more anger and despair. Worse, I could end up hurt, dead, or killing someone while I was out of it. Drinking was a quick fix with a long and heavy price.
This clear memory came to my mind of a man in his fifties that I had seen at court with a long-standing list of alcohol-related problems, and I realized that could be me. I wanted to be happy, and some day soon, I wanted to have a family. But my drinking was destroying my relationships, my health, and my dreams.
I decided it was enough and went to an online forum to declare my sobriety and get support and accountability. I also went to AA meetings. While there was a lot of shame and grief about what I’d been through and the things I had done, it was a relief to actually talk to others with similar experiences and not feel so isolated in my problems.
They were real people who knew and understood my struggles and offered genuine compassion, encouragement, and advice. I made friends that I could contact when I was down and wanted to drink and they would help me through my pain.
Once I had a good support system, I went to work on myself. I actively sought to be healthier and to learn how to cope with and manage my problems. So much of my experience as a child was out of my control, my issues and life were out of control, and I was sick of feeling powerless.
I picked up books and online courses about my issues and personal healing. I started learning about mindfulness, the art of being present and understanding your thoughts and feelings. I made healthier choices in diet, exercise, and sleep. I found Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and other holistic therapies, which taught me survival skills like what to do in an emotional crisis.
When I wanted to drink it was because of intense emotional pain, so I learned to ground myself. I would play that movie in my mind, see the aftermath of my drinking, and I would turn to one of the many coping mechanisms I learned like journaling, EFT, taking a walk, art, and using positive self talk and affirmations.
I was so reluctant to give up alcohol. My mind made up a zillion reasons why I wasn’t an alcoholic and why I needed to numb my pain. But the truth was I was afraid to change and face the unknown, and I was afraid I would fail. I was ashamed of what my life had become and I didn’t want to be embarrassed and vulnerable by making it known.
I think that is the heart of problem for all of us who struggle with addiction, numbing, and similar problems—fear, shame, vulnerability.
We’re running from our problems, trying to escape the pain, and we’re afraid there’s no end, no help, and that we aren’t strong enough. Often, we’re lost in the depths with no clue which way is up. We don’t know where to turn or what to do until something wakes us up.
I didn’t make the leap to change until I hit rock bottom and had no other choice. Until I accepted that my drinking was like putting a flame to a gas tank, and I didn’t want a life of pain and destruction.
When I was finally honest with myself and accepted that I had to stop running from my pain and problems, I was able to let go of my drinking, start changing, and get the help I really needed. I went from a downward spiral of escapism to living with intention and thriving. I was able to start healing and making the life I wanted.
I finally got in touch with my mind and body and was able to hear and understand what it was telling me, what I really needed. I learned to trust myself and be confident. I found the serenity and clarity I had been so desperately seeking. It took time and tears. There was embarrassment and shame. But there was also hope, happiness, and true change.
If you are struggling with emotional pain, mental health, addictions, or other heavy burdens, there is hope and there is change.
You can overcome your addictions, your destructive patterns, and your crutches. You don’t have to keep suffering. It can get better if you are brave and vulnerable and willing to start the process of healing.
Don’t suffer in silence. Try to step outside of yourself and your pain to find support.
I went online and to AA meetings to find others who would understand. I didn’t see them as different from me and isolate myself. I opened up, and those places became a safe space for me to really talk and get encouragement and help. I found a place I could talk about it where I would be seen with empathy not judgment. I was able to release my emotional pain without consuming me.
Next, try to understand where your pain is coming from—what causes you to seek relief in your destructive behaviors.
You can seek counseling, do personal research, and try alternative therapies. Journaling your thoughts and feelings can help you step back from your pain and find the source. There is no one way to do this; I tried all of these and found different elements in each that helped me to understand my pain.
As you work to understand yourself and cope with your pain, you must replace your hurtful behaviors with healthy ones. Just quitting them leaves a hole that you will scramble to fill the next time you are in distress, and you will likely relapse or choose some other bad thing.
I found coping mechanisms like art, walking, EFT, and others to help me express myself when I was hurting and wanted a drink. Now, I carry tools with me so I always have something healthy on hand to do when my pain strikes. I always remind myself that though it feels like it will last forever it always passes.
As you work through your problems, you’ll find greater relief and freedom. You’ll be able to see and think more clearly, plan ahead, and react the right way when things go wrong. This is how you can build resilience and mindfulness. You can be aware of yourself and your needs and care for yourself in a healthy way.
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Sobriety was the best gift I could give myself to restore my emotional balance. It’s been over a year since I became sober, and I can see a real future for myself. I no longer live each day heavy with regret. I’ve come to accept and learn from my experiences, and I use them to make wiser choices and help others.
Now when I go out, I know how my night will end—with a clear head and good memories. I don’t have to fake anything or run away anymore. I truly feel and live in each moment.
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The Two Biggest Mistakes Newly Single People Make
“Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other.” ~Russ von Hoelscher
If you’re single right now, this is your moment. And by single I mean not dating, not sleeping with people, and not engaged in romantic mingling of any kind. I mean truly single.
When we’re truly single we have a chance to transform like never before. We have the opportunity to face into our pain, transmute it, and turn our heartbreak into our greatest lesson.
Two of the biggest mistakes newly single people make are these:
- Jumping back into a relationship without healing, reflecting, and working on themselves
- Staying single but numbing the pain with distractions like drugs, food, alcohol, or TV
Yes, transformation can happen in relationship, but being single allows us to get to know who it is we truly are without the fear of outgrowing our partner.
Most people think they’re ready to start dating far before they actually are. That’s because we do anything we can to avoid facing our pain. Being in relationship feels really good. We want someone to love us, often desperately when we don’t truly love ourselves.
A month after my last breakup I sat in my cozy studio with eight other women. One of them said that she had gone through a traumatic breakup and a year later she was just getting to the point of being ready to date again. I remember thinking, “What?! That’s sooooo long. I’m going to heal faster than that.”
I’m approaching the ten-month mark of that breakup, and I’m just getting to the point where I feel like I’m open to dating again. You can’t expedite your healing. Healing will take its slow old time, even if you commit yourself to it. The deeper the wound sometimes the longer the healing process can take.
Once I got over my judgment of being single and started to embrace it, the length of time stopped mattering so much. What mattered was me healing the parts of myself that had been traumatized. I earnestly wanted to do this part right. I wanted to do it right for myself and I wanted to do it right for my future relationship.
It’s taken me almost a year to become solid enough in myself again where I feel ready to inch myself open for relationship. This is because I acknowledge that the kind of relationship I am interested in is one that is deeply intimate, soul-connected, and mature.
I have to be ready to give myself to someone in this way. I have had to turn down dates because I know I’m not ready to give what someone else deserves.
But during this time I’m doing incredible work in getting to know myself. I’ve been able to see myself more clearly than I ever have before. I see my wounds. I know where I need to love myself more. I know what I need to let go of. I know what I need in a partner. I know that I know when I will be ready. I don’t need to rush it.
When you’re truly ready to date you’ll know it. If you’re reaching out to connect with others to avoid pain you’re not ready.
There were many times in my past where I’d come home at night and feel lonely so I’d begin browsing dating apps and setting up dates. I lacked true love for myself and self-confidence. I was reaching out when I felt unworthy instead of understanding where those wounds came from. I wanted someone else to fill that void for me instead of doing the hard work myself.
If you’re single now this is your opportunity to get to know yourself. You can shed the beliefs that are no longer serving you. Maybe you feel a new life churning within you, but you’re afraid because you’re stuck in your head trying to figure out how to bring it to life. You can learn to trust yourself, to hear your intuition, to start taking steps to live that blossoming life within you.
It’s your chance to learn from your past partners. You can discover why you acted the way you did in your past relationships. You can spot the patterns. You can find out why you keep attracting the same fundamental qualities in partners. You can see why it’s not quite working.
From this place you get to find out what you truly want in a relationship. What is it you value? What are your deal breakers? What do you want your relationship to feel like? What do you want to experience together?
All of this information will empower you to choose a partner who will be the right fit. But most importantly, you will now know who you are, and that is the most incredible feeling. Something magical happens when you know yourself.
You begin to recognize that the love you have been looking for outside of yourself has been within you all along. The desperate need for a partner starts to fall away. You become content being single. You start to love your life. You enjoy your own company. You think you’re the best. Who wouldn’t want to spend time with you?
This is the place we want to choose a relationship from. The place where we aren’t needy. The place where we are already whole. The place where we aren’t willing to sacrifice the most important things to us.
If you’re single right now, and you don’t know yourself this well, get off the dating sites. Politely decline when someone asks you out. Commit to loving yourself before you ask someone else to love you. If you do, I’d place a big bet that you’ll end up with a love you could never have dreamed of. That is worth all of the patience in the world.
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The Healing Power of Self-Care in a World of Chronic Stress and Anxiety
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” ~Lao Tzu
I’ve always lived with a low hum of anxiety in the background, and lately it’s been harder to keep a lid on it.
There are a lot of things to be anxious about these days. We live in a complex and stressful world and anxiety is very common, affecting upwards of 20% of the population. Some experience manageable levels; for others, anxiety and chronic stress can be debilitating and self-destructing.
Truth is, we have good reasons to be stressed out. We work too much; we don’t take enough time off; we’re constantly plugged in and “on” yet are more disconnected than ever before; many of us struggle financially; our healthcare, education, and political systems don’t support us. We truly face many challenges and struggles every day.
So how do we help ourselves ride the inevitable storms that come our way? How do we handle daily ups and downs without getting swept up by emotions and reactions?
We’ve always understood that we need to make our health and well-being a priority. Replenish first and replenish often.
But we have to take care of ourselves on a physical, emotional, and mental level. Body, mind, and soul.
In a World of Anxiety and Chronic Stress, Self-Care Matters
Let’s first define self-care.
Self-care is an active and conscious choice to engage in activities that nourish us and help us maintain an optimal level of overall health. It basically means making healthy lifestyle choices and implementing stress management strategies.
Self-care is not a new concept. We’ve known for a long time that eating well, exercising, maintaining good sleep habits, and eliminating smoking and drinking are all critical in maintaining good health.
What’s new is the holistic approach to self-care that goes beyond taking care of your physical well-being. It’s looking at mental health, emotional health, social engagement, spiritual well-being, and of course, physical care as a basis for it all.
That is the kind of holistic approach we all need to take when thinking about effective and all-encompassing self-care.
Unfortunately, Americans are hardly practicing any self-care.
- One in four Americans has a mental health disorder, of which one in seventeen have a severe mental illness. Many of these disorders go untreated.
- Eighty-one percent of Americans do not exercise enough.
- More than one-third of Americans are obese.
So what’s the problem? Well, it’s complicated. Lack of money, lack of time, lack of resources, lack of awareness… It seems overwhelming, I know (pun not intended).
But we don’t have to completely overhaul our lifestyle in one day, not even one year, to make a substantial difference. Remember, a journey of thousand miles starts with a single step.
We just have to take that one step forward right now.
Can you adopt one healthy habit today? Or perhaps, you can eliminate one unhealthy habit from now on? Can you give yourself a gift of a single healthy activity you can commit to doing on a daily or weekly basis?
My Self-Care Journey
When I first decided to take charge over my health, I didn’t know where to start.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I needed to address: I didn’t sleep well, I worked too much, I suffered from chronic pain and depression, I was highly self-critical, I wasn’t exercising, I knew there was childhood pain that I had to deal with, I was overwhelmed trying to raise three little boys, and I was constantly anxious.
I was miserable.
I was unhappy, but I felt too disempowered to “fix” my life—there were just too many problems to tackle, too much to work on. At the same time, I knew I couldn’t continue to live like this.
Something had to change.
So I started small, with what at that time seemed like a doable practice…
In 2011, I committed to daily gratitude journaling at bedtime.
I simply wrote three good things that I was grateful for that day. It was something I could do in just few minutes, and it made me feel good.
As I developed the habit of gratitude, my list grew longer and more detailed. In the end, gratitude journaling helped me curb my naturally negative outlook on life, added more optimism and perspective, and helped me sleep better.
In 2012, I committed to eliminating yelling, complaining, and criticizing.
This was the next step in curbing my negativity and promoting a more positive mindset. While this wasn’t easy to do and I stumbled a lot initially, over time my attitude changed dramatically, improving all of my relationships in ways I couldn’t imagine (including the one I had with myself, since there was now less fuel for self-blame and feeling guilty).
In 2013, I committed to making art every day.
This has been my passion that I’ve neglected for years but craved immensely.
Doing something for myself just because I enjoyed it was an act of self-love. It brought creativity and play into my life, taught me that mistakes are not such a big deal, gave me a voice that I’ve lost as a busy mother, allowed for self-expression, improved my self-esteem, and in the end was truly healing. (Art is therapy!)
In 2014, I committed to mindfulness and healing my emotional wounds.
The pain of the past was still there, and it would pop every now and then, showing up as anger, depression, and fear. I decided to finally tackle it with journaling and mindfulness.
Ever since I started my gratitude practice, I realized journaling was helpful in making sense of feelings and events, processing my emotions, gaining perspective, and simply letting things go by pouring them out on paper. (Yes, I’m old school!)
Mindfulness helped me through my emotional healing journey by recognizing, allowing, and accepting my internal experience with presence and compassion.
Journaling helped me integrate and process my past and present events and feeling, and ultimately became my top self-therapy tool.
Dealing with suppressed emotional pain was extremely hard, but in the end self-empowering. It freed me from reactivity and emotional high jacking, led to more inner-peace, and accelerated my healing journey of self-love and self-acceptance.
In 2015, I committed to daily meditation and journaling practice since both were so instrumental and transformational in managing my emotions and well-being.
I wanted to be more present to life and build a solid foundation for my future.
Meditation and journaling further deepened my self-awareness; helped me to slow down and recognize negative patterns I needed to work on; taught me how to respond instead of react to life; allowed me to process my present pain and experiences and gain clarity and perspective; eased my anxiety; and improved my attention, empathy, and listening skills.
In 2016, I committed to weekly yoga.
I’d tried yoga before and didn’t like it at all. But now I was a changed woman and I craved to reconnect with my body and align my body-mind with my spirit. I also needed to move my body, and yoga offered a relaxing way to do just that.
It taught me to listen to and respect my body, and ultimately take care of it better (which led to better sleep habits, drinking more water, eating cleaner food, and limiting processed and toxic stuff). It helped with pain and inflammation, flexibility, and body-mind-soul integration. Yoga makes me feel good, whole, and peaceful. I am home.
A lot has changed in those last six years. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and continue to make daily. Yes, it was hard at the beginning. Creating new habits can be hard, so it’s important to go slow and not get discouraged if you slip up. Pick one goal and commit to it with all your heart.
Some self-care activities will come easily; I love doodling, walking my dog, listening to relaxing music at bedtime, journaling, reading, taking long baths, hiking, and taking bike rides with kiddos.
Some habits will be hard to put into practice. For me, as a victim of childhood abuse and neglect, meditation was really hard. So I started with only two minutes a day, lying down. Today I can sit for twenty to thirty minutes with ease.
There are still days when I don’t feel like going to my yoga class, but I will myself out the door, no matter what. I know it’s good for my mind and my body.
You will have to push yourself often, but stick with it. You’ll literally wire those new habits into your brain, and it will get easier. The payoff is worth all the work.
I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m better, healthier, and more peaceful and present.
I’m dealing with instead of running away from my anxiety. I’m managing instead of suppressing. And there’s much more inner peace, balance, love, and acceptance in my life.
I’ve killed my inner critic (for the most part), and I’m more in tune with my mind, my body, and my heart than ever before. My relationships have improved, and I like my life, even though it’s still hard sometimes. There are still many challenges I have to deal with, but I feel more empowered and in charge than ever before.
You Have to Find Your Own Path
Your self-care plan may look completely different from mine. It might mean spending more time in nature, taking up running, or ending a toxic relationship. It may mean quarterly juicing, getting a monthly massage, or knitting. It may be developing a new hobby or quitting smoking.
The beautiful thing is that you are in charge. You and only you know what’s most nourishing for you right now, and what you need to be doing to feel healthy and balanced. You get to decide how to nurture and care for yourself best!
Don’t put off self-care for later. Later will never come. We have to make time now for what’s important, and self-care needs to be your priority. You are worth it!
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5 Lessons from a Dating Detox (for Anyone Who’s Looking for Love)
“Sometimes when you lose your way, you find yourself.” ~Mandy Hale
Ever since I can remember, I was determined, even desperate, to find love. My life felt empty and lonely.
I wanted to be happy and feel loved. I believed everything would be all right if only I had my man.
For years my self-esteem was non-existent. I had no clue how to build a relationship with a man. I had no boundaries. I felt unworthy and unlovable.
I started dating online. I kept meeting different men and occasionally I would meet someone who I would see for a while.
Because of my low self-esteem and desperation, I often ended up with men who were not ready to commit or couldn’t give me what I needed.
After a few months I would feel drained and the relationship would come to an end. Again, I would find myself back on the dating scene desperately looking for Mr. Right: flicking through tonnes of profiles, interacting with hundreds of men and meeting a handful of them only to find out that I had nothing in common with most of them. It was frustrating and disheartening.
I was stuck in this cycle for years. A relationship, a breakup, serial dating; a relationship, a breakup, serial dating …
It was an emotional roller coaster: of hopes and disappointments, loneliness and tears, rejection and heartbreak, with the odd bit of fun.
After my last low quality relationship, I panicked. I was thirty. I had no husband, no kids, no house, nothing to my name. And I still thought that having a man was the solution.
I redoubled my efforts, going on a string of boring and uninspiring dates with guys who had nothing to offer.
By this point, I was absolutely exhausted with the whole thing. I was tired of dating and chasing love, tired of waiting for The One, tired of hoping, tired of having to constantly pick myself up and put myself back in the dating game.
At that point I had lost my all faith in love, which although didn’t feel nice, was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
After one of my boring dates, I woke up the next morning and couldn’t even remember the guy’s name. It felt wrong.
I reflected upon my last few dates and realized that I didn’t want to waste my time any more.
This was the moment of truth. For the first time in my dating career I was honest with myself and admitted that all my crazy dating efforts hadn’t brought me my desired outcome. I was nowhere even close to finding The One.
I felt useless. I felt like a failure. I felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with me since I couldn’t even find one freaking man with whom I could be happy. How much dating do you have to do to find one man, right?
I sat down and asked myself a few questions: Why am I running away from myself? Why do I so desperately want to have a relationship? Why can I not stop dating and just be with myself for a while? And most importantly, what am I learning from being single? That was it. I took a notebook and started writing and the answers kept flowing.
After asking myself these fundamental questions, I realized that the only thing to do was to stop dating. I wanted to take some time out to re-evaluate my approach to love and romantic relationships.
I deleted my online profiles and cancelled my memberships. I started my dating detox.
I felt a deep desire to reconnect with myself. For about two years I didn’t even think about men. I focused on myself. I didn’t pursue anything. I stopped hoping. I let go of my expectations. I was free.
I began to appreciate many things about my single status. I found so many blessings in living my life as a single person. I genuinely started to like being single rather than run away from it.
The more I connected with myself, the less lonely and desperate I felt. I stopped fearing lonely weekends as I filled them with things I loved doing. Life became easier.
I started to enjoy spending time on my own. I became comfortable with silence and solitude. Bit by bit I was finding myself. Then one day, I felt complete for the first time in my life. I had found my bliss.
After my transformation, I was ready to date again—just for fun, with no expectations. I definitely wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.
The quality of my dates improved as I became more selective and had stronger boundaries.
I went out with a few high quality men and I enjoyed my dates even though I didn’t click with them romantically. I had more fun.
A few short months after my detox, I met a charming, wise, mindful and very loving English man who exceeded all my expectations. I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me.
For the first time in my life, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a man, not a boy, for a change.
And together we have a little munchkin who has brought even more fun and happiness to our lives. This is something I had given up on a long time ago; with my luck in love I didn’t believe that I would ever find a man who I could have a family with.
When I became happy with myself I became also ready to meet a happy and emotionally healthy man. Having done the inner work, I had become the woman who was ready to attract her dream man. I became the person I was looking for.
Dating detox was the best thing I could have ever done to turn my love life around.
My journey through seven years of singledom, more than a hundred online dates, and one dating detox had taught me many lessons and helped me find myself. I want to share five of the most important lessons with you.
1. Accept where you are.
Resisting being single will only create more conflict within yourself. I hated being single for years. I desperately wanted to be in a relationship to feel happier, but I kept attracting wounded men like myself.
This running away from being single didn’t serve me one bit. I eventually came to the realization that being single is being in a relationship with oneself. This is the most natural relationship of all, but we have been conditioned to believe that we need someone else to be happy and fulfilled.
If there is no man or woman in your life, you connect with yourself. Nothing will give you more comfort than finding this secure place within yourself.
Make the most out of your life while you are single. There are so many advantages to being single and it is time to start to count your blessings.
Accepting your single status is a crucial step in becoming ready for a relationship. When you become a happy single person, the desperation for a romantic relationship disappears. You are then in a much better place to attract someone who is emotionally healthy and happy.
You want to find yourself in a place where you want a relationship, but don’t need one.
2. Take responsibility for your own happiness.
For years I had been putting my happiness in the hands of men. I spent too many years being miserable waiting for a man to come along and make me happy; every time I was single I was unhappy.
When I realized that I might be single for another five or ten years, it hit me that I didn’t want to spend them being miserable. I stopped putting my life on hold and started to enjoy my life in the here and now.
I stopped postponing my happiness. I started to do all the things I had imagined doing with my future partner. I signed up for the gym. I travelled more. I started to save up for my future house. I took up swimming, working out, yoga etc.
And guess what. When you are happy you become more attractive, and you attract a different kind of person.
Not only did my single life improve but also my dating and love life.
Most of all, I discovered that I didn’t need anybody else to be happy. I realized that I was responsible for my own happiness and not some man as I had believed for many years.
3. Recognize that your relationship with yourself is the most important one.
I figured that the relationship I have with myself is the only guaranteed relationship I will ever have. Others might come and go, but I can’t ever escape myself.
The quality of the connection you have with yourself will determine the quality of your relationships with others, including romantic relationships. If your relationship with yourself is not happy and healthy, it will be difficult for you to create a healthy and happy relationship with someone else.
Your romantic relationship is only as good as the relationship you have with yourself.
I tackled loneliness first. I started to spend more time in my own company. I scheduled quality time with myself in my calendar. I had Sundays to myself. Solitude and silence became my friends. I wrote a lot, kept a journal and made time for self-reflection and meditation.
These practices helped me dive deeper within myself and I began to feel stronger and more secure within myself. For the first time in my life, I started to enjoy being with myself.
4. Self-love comes first.
If you don’t love yourself, you cannot fully love others and neither can you fully receive love. It took me twenty years to understand what self-love actually is.
And for me it is a practice, not a feeling. It is a practice of choosing myself and what feels right for me.
When you start practicing loving yourself so many things start to change in your life.
Your confidence and self-esteem increase. You have the courage to be your authentic self. You stop looking for approval. You become better at asserting your own needs when it comes to dating. You recognize your own value and you aim higher in love. You have stronger boundaries. You become more selective. These all lead to making better romantic choices and choosing better partners.
Self-love is seriously powerful. I found true love when I started to love and honor myself, and I thought my job was done.
Now that I am in a relationship, I realize that this work never ends. You constantly need to practice self-love. You will find new depths to this practice and experience new aspects of self-love. But to be happy in a relationship you must first love yourself.
5. Find yourself before you find your partner.
To find true love, you need to know your true self. Take some time to explore who you really are. Spend some time in solitude and be prepared to answer some honest questions about yourself.
Question your beliefs, as you may find that some of them are not even yours! What are your needs? What are your dreams? What do you want? What is important to you in life?
Attracting a partner from a space of knowing yourself well usually results in finding someone who values and wants the same from life. When you don’t know who you are, you also cannot know who you want to share your life with.
Finding yourself is also about realizing that you are a whole and complete person. It is about understanding that you are capable of satisfying your own needs and desires. It’s about making your own dreams come true, being comfortable on your own, having a strong relationship with yourself and living your life as a single, proudly and boldly.
When I look back at my single life and all my struggles in love, I now understand that I was searching for love in the wrong way. If I had to do it all again, I would start with a dating detox and getting to know myself first.
Only then you can find your true match and build an amazing romantic relationship with another person.
