Tag: wisdom
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What to Do When Your Need to Please Is Ruining Your Life
“We are captives of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation.” ~Theodore Bagwell
Have you ever thought you had to do what other people said or they wouldn’t love you?
Have you felt selfish for wanting to put your needs first, or guilty for setting limits with the people you care about?
Have you learned that even when you’ve complied with everyone’s wishes and whims they still weren’t happy, and you weren’t either?
Welcome to the deception of people-pleasing. Welcome to the story of my life.
There is no tragedy greater than being alive but not feeling it because you’re numb, aloof, and emotionless. For many years I lived that way, showing all the signs of being alive but never truly living. That’s because I felt a strong desire to give all of myself in order to pay back the world for everything I’d been given.
You see, I had the American Dream. I was granted many blessings, and by all accounts, I should have been happy. But I didn’t feel a thing—especially not happiness.
It took me a while to identify the missing piece that kept me from truly experiencing my life: I wasn’t living as the person I really wanted to be. I was living my life to please others, make them happy, and follow society’s rules.
I thought I was doing the right thing; I truly believed, “Eventually, all this selfless work will bring me the happiness I deserve on a silver platter.” But it never really worked out that way. It seemed the more I did, the less fulfilled I felt.
My early life experiences shaped me into a people-pleaser. Though I was grateful for everything I was given, I was also aware that I’d been born into difficult family circumstances. Pleasing others was my way of coping with it.
Like most young children, all I wanted was to gain my parents’ attention and approval. But praise was a scarce resource in my household, and both of my parents readily doled out criticism. I quickly become aware of how my actions affected them, so I acted in approval-seeking ways and suppressed my feelings in order to avoid punishment.
I didn’t want to be criticized or berated in front of others, so I became the child, teenager, and adult of my parents’ dreams. They still found fault at times—which crushed me—but I ultimately did everything I could to make it up to them.
This trap I had fallen into got deeper when my parents divorced. I tried to appease both of them by sticking myself in the middle of their marital battle and protecting my siblings from having to bear the brunt of their anger. I became my parents’ mediator, and this form of communication spiraled me into a deep depression that no one knew about but me.
I lost a lot of weight, my grades dropped in school, and I no longer found any pleasure in activities I once enjoyed. But with a brave face, I trudged along and dealt with it so that my siblings wouldn’t have to. I convinced myself that this was my way of fulfilling my duty as a daughter and avoiding criticism.
Growing up in these circumstances led me to believe I was responsible for how others felt. I learned to shape my personality, behaviors, and reactions according to what other people wanted or needed from me instead of being authentic to how I truly felt.
Because of my parents’ often extreme reactions to situations, I came to believe that I needed to change; but the truth is, their reactivity was their responsibility.
You see, we tend to call people who display this pattern of behavior people-pleasers, doormats, or approval-seekers. We describe them as being selfless. People-pleasers rarely say no, are super responsible, spend most their time doing for others, and are viewed as the nicest kinds of people.
On the surface, it can seem like being a people-pleaser is the right thing to do; but over time, this identity wears a person down, and all that pleasing turns into an unhealthy pattern of behavior that doesn’t actually end up pleasing anyone in the long run.
Your Identity
I used to identify myself as being a good, nice, and selfless person who was always accommodating others.
When I self-identified as having certain personality attributes, it dictated my actions and led me to believe I needed to act in certain ways to match society’s standard of how a good and nice person behaves.
Even when my actions weren’t aligned with how I truly wanted to live my life, I found myself complying anyway. I worked hard to avoid looking selfish, unaccommodating, or disagreeable, and I avoided confrontation at all costs.
I stopped this pattern when I came to realize that being a good person is a lot more complex than just accommodating the needs of others all of the time.
When I realized that constantly giving in wasn’t as loving as I thought it was, and that the way I was acting didn’t come from a loving place at all but from a place of guilt and inadequacy, that’s when I decided to go from people-pleasing to living life on my own terms.
That’s when I started to evolve from selfless to self-full. That’s when I deconstructed my identity as a people-pleaser and restructured my life. That’s when I decided that living my own life was more important than my parents’ approval of me.
If the need to please has been running your life, here are some ideas to support your shift from selfless to self-full.
1. Understand that other people are responsible for themselves.
Being a people-pleaser allowed me to overlook one important fact: other people are responsible for themselves and their own problems.
Somewhere down the road I decided that other people’s problems were my problems. I believed it was my responsibility to make other people feel better. For as long as I can remember, I played the caretaker role in my life; but all it got me was a burdening sense of obligation and crippling anxiety.
It’s important for you to remember that you aren’t responsible for how others feel or act. If you try to please people because you’re scared of their reactions, that’s a sign that you need to start making a change.
You see, when you take on other people’s responsibilities, you’re allowing them to continue acting irresponsibly; you’re permitting and promoting their unhealthy patterns.
The next time you’re inclined to take on someone else’s stuff, ask yourself, Does taking on this person’s responsibilities really make me a good person? Is it actually kind to keep people from taking ownership of their own lives?
You’re likely to find that the answer is no, and then you can explore how to be supportive without taking over completely.
2. Stop trying to keep the peace.
I often used to wonder why I was surrounded by selfish people; from my perspective, everyone else was the problem. But on my journey to self-fullness I realized that they weren’t the problem; I was.
By trying to keep the peace in my relationships, I was overlooking the ways in which other people were taking advantage of me. I ignored their twisted priorities because I thought I should play nice all the time.
It’s important to keep in mind that sometimes the better, more loving choice is the more uncomfortable, anxiety provoking one. Truly loving behavior calls for limits, boundaries, and saying no every once in a while.
Some people will get upset with you or throw a tantrum like a two-year-old, but the cost of ignoring your boundaries is much greater than that. So stop thinking that keeping the peace is better for your relationships. The truth is it’s much better to be honest and upfront.
3. Know the consequences of seeking approval.
Living your life through fear of criticism and rejection doesn’t allow you to truly live at all. Constantly censoring yourself doesn’t allow you to see the freedom of choice that you really have. When you’re seeking approval all the time, you aren’t really growing.
My approval-seeking behavior stemmed from a belief that my mental health depended on my being liked; if people didn’t like me, I didn’t feel worthy. The consequence of this was that my value as a person was totally dependent on what other people thought of me. Any criticism made me feel terrible about myself, so I avoided it by acting in ways that would gain others’ approval.
I finally broke this pattern by placing more value on seeking approval from myself. By figuring out who I was and what I valued, I was able to create a stronger sense of self. When you know who you are and accept yourself, other people’s criticism doesn’t bother you too much at all.
4. Become self-full.
If you’re caught up in the people-pleasing cycle, you probably think it’s selfish to consider your needs first. Once you shift your idea of what it means to be a good person, like I did, you’ll see it isn’t selfish—but rather self-full–to put yourself first.
Much of my desire to change came from realizing that if I didn’t start valuing myself, my relationships would suffer. Although it might seem counterintuitive, prioritizing your needs and gaining a strong sense of self is actually better for other people, because it serves to strengthen the relationships you have with them.
It’s for this reason that placing your needs first is self-full rather than selfish. It’s about seeing your value and knowing your worth as a person. When you do this, others can start seeing your value also, and your relationships can start to transform.
Final Thoughts
The journey to self-fullness is all about trial and error. It’s about making mistakes, changing your behaviors, and asserting your own decisions.
I started to feel happy and truly alive when I started to get to know myself, learning when to say no and when to set limits in my relationships. It wasn’t easy. I had to get used to some criticism and disappointment; I had to grow a stronger backbone. However, I can say without hesitation that it was worth it. And I know it will be worth it for you, too.
Your life should be lived the way you want to live it. No one should have the power over you to dictate how you need to live your life. The more you get to know who you are, and the more boldly you begin to live life on your terms, the better you’ll feel about yourself.
I no longer make decisions out of fear or wind up washed over with resentment. Now I do things for people because I want to, not because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t. I no longer need other people to make me feel worthy; I give that sense of worthiness to myself by knowing and accepting who I am.
It will serve you greatly to let go of the idea that people need saving and it’s your responsibility to do it. Somewhere down the road, you internalized the message that you have to be responsible for how others feel. But the truth is, you aren’t responsible for anyone else’s feelings but your own.
You can’t live a healthy, happy life if you’re too busy managing your feelings and other people’s feelings at the same time. Remember, people can take care of themselves. That idea will leave room for you to take care of yourself, too.
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Finding a New Path When You’re Attached to the Old and Scared of Failing
“All endings are just beginnings. We just don’t know it yet.” ~Mitch Albom
The difficulty of finding, let alone staying on a path was brought to mind recently when I got lost in a maze at a children’s amusement park. Seriously lost.
In the end I scrambled under the maze to get out. I didn’t like the feeling of hitting up against walls, turning and trying, and then finding another wall blocking my path. Mazes are designed to confuse, and together with the summer heat, I’d had enough.
As I came out from under the fence, someone jokingly called out “Cheater!” and they were correct. In that moment I wasn’t sticking at it.
It made me think, isn’t this sometimes the label we give ourselves when we’re on a path that isn’t right or isn’t working, and we’re considering quitting? Or we want to take a shortcut, grasp an unexpected opportunity, or take a different path from our predecessors?
It can be helpful to have a sense of direction. Not having a plan for what we want in life can result in low motivation and a sense of purposelessness. For many people it can be very stressful due to the societal pressure to have a plan for your life.
Sometimes I’m surprised at how early this pressure arises. Some young people I work with in my clinic feel pressure to decide what path to take at ages thirteen and fourteen. They share their concerns about every single grade they receive and their fear that if they’re not good enough they’ll have no future and a bad job.
Some might think that these young people are showing signs of being driven or highly motivated. From my perspective, it can make life quite narrow to live with so much anxiety and pressure about getting things right. Living in constant fear of a misstep is no way to live. After all, life is full of missteps.
Other people feel overwhelmed about which path to choose. They ask, “What if I choose the wrong path? What if I make a mistake? What if when I actually choose something, I don’t like it? What if I’m no good at it?”
Some others will say, “I know what I don’t want to do, I just don’t know what I want to do.” Sometimes this leads to an almost paralyzed “I don’t know what I want to do” position.
In times gone by, people often finished school, got a job, and stayed in that career or job for life. However, modern life is not like this.
Changing economic and market conditions mean people are required to be more flexible and change employment type over the course of their life. So, in some ways, it seems futile for people to feel pigeonholed into making one choice, as it’s likely there will be many choices down the road.
When I talk with people who are struggling to choose or find a path, I often share my own story about how I became a clinical psychologist. My story is a classic example of how making a choice that’s not a good fit for you isn’t the end of the world. Often, like in my story, it can lead to an even better outcome.
During my high school years I fell in love with singing and drama, so I hatched a plan to take up musical theatre as a career.
The first sign that this probably wasn’t going to work out was when I didn’t get a place in my first choice of study. However, I chose to ignore this sign and, remaining hopeful, took up a position in a classical music program, even though I didn’t want to be an opera singer.
As the year wore on it became clear to me that this was not for me. Studying music at school had been fun, but studying music full time and mixing only with other music students was stifling and even boring.
A meeting with the dean mid-year, regarding my failure to progress at the level the program required, made the future clear. I saw the year out, but I knew I would only ever be an average music student. After spending a year around people who were more suited to it, I knew I had neither the talent nor the high levels of extraversion needed to succeed in a performance career.
It was kind of embarrassing. It was my first experience of failure. It was also an opportunity.
That part of me that was itching to learn more about the world, about people, about life outside of the narrow world of classical music, was set free. But what to choose? I’d spent years honing my musical ability and not considering doing anything else.
Fortunately for me, doing what didn’t fit had helped me to define what might. So I chose something that would expand my knowledge and ideas and that would help me serve others.
One of the things that had bothered me about classical music study is that it didn’t seem to contribute or benefit others much. I chose a general psychology degree based on the fact that I wanted to know more about people, and away I went.
Instantly the fit was better. I felt engaged, stimulated, motivated to attend, and alive. These were good signs that I was on the right path.
I share this story with people who are having difficulty making a choice because it incorporates two core areas that keep people stuck when finding or changing their path—fear of failure and letting go of past ideals.
Dealing with the Fear of Failure
Underpinning the struggle that many of us have with finding or changing a path is the fear of failure. If you don’t choose, you can’t fail. Conversely, if you don’t choose you cannot succeed either. How do we move past the fear of failure?
1. Acknowledge that it’s normal to feel anxious about making a choice.
Having some anxiety about your choice does not make it wrong. There is little certainty in any path, so there is unlikely to be a time where you will feel completely at ease with your decision.
2. Practice managing your anxiety with breathing, mindfulness, and helpful self-talk.
Deep breathing is key to managing physical anxiety symptoms, as it calms the nervous system.
Mindfulness teaches us that we only have this moment and that it’s futile to try to control the future.
Helpful self-talk helps ease anxiety by reducing the impact of negative predictions. For example: “If you failed this, you’ll fail everything” could be changed to “Many successful people have changed their path or experienced failures, so it doesn’t mean I will fail.”
3. Look for stories of successful people who had missteps or changed their path.
Reading about people who made a career change can lessen the hold of negative predictive thoughts and old beliefs about failure.
Letting Go of Past Ideals
The difficulty with changing your path can also be associated with investment in your old one.
You may have put a lot of effort into achieving the goal at the end of that path. You may have told a lot of people about it. You may even be a little or a lot in love with the idea of reaching that goal.
When you need to or have to change your path, it can involve a sense of loss. Your mind may tell you it’s all been a waste of time. To handle these difficulties:
1. Let go of the goal by acknowledging your sense of loss and practicing acceptance.
It’s normal to feel sad about letting go of a past. Acknowledge those feelings without sinking in them and getting stuck. Notice the feelings and let them pass.
2. Address and challenge self-critical thoughts.
If you experience self-critical thoughts about trying for your goal such as “Who are you to even think you could have that?” you may benefit from changing it to something more helpful, such as “I did my best but it wasn’t for me. I will find something for me” or the simple “I could never know if I didn’t try.”
3. Focus on the positive of the current path.
As much as you can, be in the present moment. Cultivate that skill through mindfulness practice.
4. Address concerns about futility.
Know that the time spent on your old path wasn’t pointless. You most likely gained skills and insights from your journey so far that will help you either now or in the future.
For example, my knowledge of the performing arts has helped me more times than I count as a clinical psychologist. It helps me relate to clients who are musicians or that work or study in that area, and it helps me relate to performance anxiety.
Life can be more rewarding when you’re on a path. In fact, many people say that the journey can be more satisfying than the final outcome. With these strategies, you can avoid becoming paralyzed by the common blocks that prevent people moving forward and experiencing life fully. Allow yourself to live life to the full by taking a path knowing that you can change it if you need to.
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Overcoming the Fear That Stands Between You and Your Dreams
“A few rare individuals refuse to have limited lives. They drive through tremendous amounts of pain—from rejections and failures to shorter moments of embarrassment and anxiety. Because they avoid nothing, they can pursue their highest aspirations. They seem more alive than the rest of us.” ~Phil Stutz and Barry Michels
If you were to see me in a social situation, you’d think that I’m confident.
And in most informal social settings, I am. Now.
I love people, love hearing their stories, so most of the time I trust my ability to relate and connect.
But this wasn’t always the case.
These were skills I had to re-learn.
During adolescence, probably as a result of my parents’ divorce and going to a new school where I felt completely out of my depth, I lost my natural childhood confidence.
Approaching new people felt very hard.
I would often spend break times at school pretending to be busy doing work, to avoid the shame of having to go up to a group and ask whether I could sit with them and face the potential humiliation of being told no.
It was a very lonely time.
For most of my high school career I avoided reaching out unless I was pretty certain of a favorable response.
Then I left school and took a gap year and needed to make money, so I started a job waiting tables.
I was perfectly capable of upgrading to waiting tables after the mandatory month of training (when I was responsible for clearing plates and setting tables but didn’t have to engage much with customers). But I was so afraid of the having to approach people and the deal with the uncertainty of how they would respond to me that I declined and continued to train for another two months.
Eventually it got ridiculous and I had to take the risk.
I can still remember my first few months waitressing.
I was terrified to approach new people and initially would try to avoid it by giving tables away.
But then something interesting happened. By now I wanted to buy a car, and the pain of being dependent on others for transport was greater than the pain of the potential rejection, so I started to force myself out of my comfort zone—and I started to enjoy it.
I started to enjoy the uncertainty and the challenge. I realized I loved meeting people from different places and hearing about their lives.
This increasing confidence and enjoyment of connecting with people has been key in helping me accomplish a number of my dreams, especially in relation to my work.
I’ve gotten several jobs through being able to connect with people, who then recommended me when an opening opened up (though this was not my initial intention when connecting with them).
My challenge now is to develop the same confidence I have in informal social situations and apply it to performance situations. This is still an area where I struggle with performance anxiety and feel self-conscious.
So I will continue to use the ideas below myself!
1. Our minds play tricks on us.
As Alison Ledgerwood, Ph.D, says in her TED talk entitled Getting Stuck in the Negatives (and How to Get Unstuck), our minds are built to look for negative information and hold onto it. Failures stick in our minds longer than successes do.
What that meant for me is that in most cases, I was massively overestimating the potential for shame and rejection from each new interaction. But I was also underestimating my capacity to cope, should my worst fears ever come true. (In hindsight, I don’t think that even the most challenging experiences came close to the horror stories my mind was telling me were possible.)
My mind kept reminding me of all the pain of failures I had previously experienced, rather than the times it had all worked out fine.
Alison Ledgerwood advises: “Our minds may be built to look for negative information and to hold onto it. But we can also retrain our minds if we put some effort into it and start to see that the glass may be a little more full than we initially thought.”
Love that!
2. Just as our minds play tricks on us, we can trick our minds.
It turns out that how we interpret the feelings of fear is the key to determining whether we’re able to engage or whether we avoid.
While most of us tell ourselves to calm down and stop worrying when we feel afraid, research out of Harvard shows that this standard response to stress may be well meant, but it’s also wrong. Instead of trying to calm ourselves down, we should aim to get excited, suggests Alison Wood Brooks, Ph. D of Harvard Business School.
Huh?
I was definitely not excited at the thought of approaching tables with the possibility of being shamed and humiliated.
But trust me, this works.
Why is that?
“When people feel anxious and try to calm down, they are thinking about all the things that could go badly. When they are excited, they are thinking about how things could go well,” Wood Brooks explains.
Even if you don’t believe it at first, when you say it repeatedly, authentic feelings of excitement increase.
Fake it until you become it!
The fact that you’re reading this post is testament that this works. For years I’ve been wanting to write, but my own anxiety and self-doubt held me back. Now when I sit down to write and feel myself becoming anxious I repeat “I’m excited, I love sharing ideas with people” over and over again.
After a few minutes I can feel myself actually start to believe it, and I feel more able to write.
3. On the other side of fear is your limitless potential.
This is an idea from therapists Phil Stutz and Barry Michels from their book The Tools. They describe how we all tend to avoid emotional pain, but that this dramatically limits our potential.
We need to know that our infinite potential exists on the other side of our comfort zones, and if we want to actualize our potential we need to break through it.
They advise that we need to condition ourselves to get excited about the challenges in our lives, and instead of avoiding fear and pain we need to run straight at them screaming “BRING IT ON!!”
I know this to be true.
When I’ve had the presence of mind to remember this idea and keep going, rather than avoid, I find myself in a strange and unfamiliar place. It’s a feeling of absolute freedom—of not being limited by what you fear.
And as a recovering worrier, that feels very good.
Here’s how I’m using it to help me develop my confidence in performance situations. Mostly when I think of something that I want to do that makes me feel anxious, my tendency is to procrastinate and avoid it.
But now, when I notice that fear (and the intense discomfort it can bring), instead of avoiding, I tell myself something along the lines of: “Great, an opportunity to expand my comfort zone and my capability. Bring it on!”
This allows me to move from avoidance into engagement.
The more I repeat this cycle, the easier it becomes to do the things I fear (mostly because I see that the thing I’m terrified of happening doesn’t actually happen).
While I can’t go back in time and change the course of my younger self’s life, every day I’m faced with choices that determine whether I move toward becoming what, deep down, I have a feeling I’m capable of becoming, or step back into my comfort zone to avoid risking humiliation.
What I now know is that the feeling of letting yourself down—the disappointment and unravelling confidence with each retreat—is far more painful than what is out there beyond the safety of what’s familiar.
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Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken – Interview and Book Giveaway
Note – The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. They are:
- Jennifer Moore Hardesty
- Margie Lynn
- Dr. Mac
- Ryan
- RB
- Justme
- Rogério Cardoso
- Fernanda Garza
- Benjamin E. Nichols
- Terri Cross
When you’re dealing with heartbreak, it can feel like the pain will never go away.
You may know, intellectually, that everything heals with time, but in that moment, when you’re suffering, it’s hard to hold onto hope.
Like all humans, I’ve experienced my fair share of loss, and I’ve felt scared, depressed, alone, betrayed, rejected, regretful, and angry—with other people, with myself, and with the world.
Losing someone or something that has become a part of your identity can feel like losing a limb, and how do you go on when you’ve lost a part of yourself?
I’ve learned that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to that question. There’s no magic solution that helps us grow, let go, and move on. There are, however, lots of things we can do to help ourselves when struggling with the many nuanced emotions that come up when we’re grieving a painful loss.
Tiny Buddha contributor Lodro Rinzler has tackled these varied challenges in his new book, Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken.
This “short and compact first-aid kit for a broken heart” offers simple, practical wisdom to help you take good care of yourself and work through your pain.
With chapters that offer advice based on what you’re feeling, Love Hurts may just what you need to get through your hardest days and find a light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m grateful that Lodro took the time to answer some questions about his book, and also that he’s provided ten free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.
The GiveawayTo enter to win one of ten free copies of Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken:
- Leave a comment below (you don’t need to write anything specific—“count me in” is sufficient)
- For an extra entry, share this interview on one of your social media pages and post a second comment with the link
You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, March 19th.
The Interview
1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.
I’m a meditation teacher and author. I grew up in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition, started meditating at the age of six, and have been teaching meditation for the last sixteen years under the guidance of my teacher, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. I’ve written six books on the topic and co-founded the network of meditation studios known as MNDFL.
On an outer level, I wrote this book because I work with a lot of people who are suffering from heartbreak and I wanted to talk to them directly, knowing that I couldn’t sit down and have tea with everyone.
On an inner level, for a man in his thirties I have known a lot of heartbreak. Yes, the romantic kind, but also from too many people who have died, many around my age, and from every day reading the news and my heart breaking anew, seeing how many people are perpetuating horror and terror on others due to discrimination.
On a secret level I wrote this because I needed to understand how heartbreak works, and writing is how I process information. That’s why I birthed this book.
2. Your book isn’t just for people who are healing from a breakup or divorce; you define heartbreak in much broader terms. Who is this book for?
It’s for humans. We all experience heartbreak. It might be personal, such as a breakup, sure, but it might also stem from job loss, the death of a loved one, or just not feeling like we’re living up to our potential. It might also be more societal, in reaction to hatred playing across the news.
It’s odd because in some sense, I’m constantly rooting against my own book; I don’t want people to need a book on heartbreak—I want them to feel happy—but so many of us are experiencing heartbreak right now so I’m glad it’s available as a resource.
3. I love how you sectioned the book based on what readers may be feeling or experiencing. What made you decide to write the book this way?
When you’re heartbroken, you can’t sit down and read a ten-step plan for healing; heartbreak is messier than that.
It’s this simple term that encapsulates so many strong emotions, including anger, despair, frustration, loneliness, and more. The underlying emotions of heartbreak—despite what caused it—are all too similar, so I knew I could address those, even though I could never dream of all the scenarios that might spark heartbreak.
In that sense it’s a bit like a choose-your-own adventure book, where you can read about whatever you’re dealing with on that particular day.
4. The section heading that most jumped out at me reads “If you feel like you have no right to be heartbroken.” Why do you think some of us feel this way, and why is this not true?
So many of us feel ashamed of our heartbreak. When I would meet with people to hear their heartbreak stories, people were so shy at first. They would come in and think they would be talking to me about their last big relationship.
I would ask the question, “What is your experience of heartbreak” and the flood gates would open. They would then start talking about their dead cat, or their high school sweetheart from decades before, and at some point note that they felt totally confused as to why they were heartbroken about this thing that was ages ago or, based on societal standards, “not a big deal” but it was their honest experience.
Whatever breaks your heart, breaks your heart. It’s quite simple. The last thing we need to do when we feel heartbroken is judge ourselves for feeling that way.
5. What, in your experience, are the most important things we can do to take care of ourselves when dealing with heartbreak?
Even the simplest of self-care acts make a big difference when we’re struck down by heartbreak. I recommend:
- getting more sleep than you think you need
- eating well, or at least eating (we often forget to when we’re depressed)
- meditating
- exercising in whatever way makes sense to you
6. How does meditation help us cope with our losses and heal?
There are many types of meditation out there. To get going, I often recommend mindfulness, where we are bringing our full mind to one thing such as the breath.
There have been a lot of studies done in recent years about this form of meditation. It’s proven what the Buddhists have known for 2600 years: Doing it for even short periods every day increases focus and resilience and leads to a better memory and reduced stress.
While I appreciate science backing up the practicality of meditation, here’s what it has done for me:
It has helped me show up fully for every aspect of my life.
It has helped me wake up to where I get stuck and shut down my heart.
It has helped me be more present with simple activity in my daily schedule.
It has helped me get to know, befriend, and ultimately love myself.
Having established that foundation of love inwardly, I have been able to be kinder, more compassionate, and loving toward others. When I am with friends or on a date with my spouse, I am there, fully. When I am in a painful situation, going through a break up or holding my father’s hand as he died, I am there, fully. It has allowed me to be present with the wide variety of pleasures and pains that life brings.
Meditation has been an incredible gift to me, particularly when it comes to showing up for my own and others’ heartbreak.
I’ve discovered that the main way to move through heartbreak is to look directly at it and not flinch. To stay with our discomfort is the best way to move through our discomfort. For me, the best way to learn to stay with all the difficult emotions that come up around heartbreak is meditation.
7. What do you think is the biggest mistakes most of us make when healing from heartbreak?
Whenever I would meet with people about this topic, I would ask them how they take care of themselves in the midst of heartbreak. Indubitably, every single person would answer by saying, “Well, the thing I do that I know I shouldn’t is…” and then they would fill in the blank. “I over-eat sweet foods.” “I reach for a bottle of alcohol.” “I go online and find someone to hook up with.”
When strong emotions come up, we don’t necessarily want to look at them; we want to run away from them and act out in a similarly harmful and habitual way. When you feel like that, I recommend taking a breath, coming back into your body, and seeing if you can stay with the energy of the emotion itself, as opposed to the storylines around it.
8. What has helped you let go of anger and forgive after being hurt or rejected?
In my own experience, one thing that helps me when I am suffering is simply to be heard, to be witnessed. When we sit one-on-one in the presence of each other we experience one another in a very human and honest way.
Sometimes the best way to see ourselves through our heartbreak is to be with our heartbreak, and being with other people who can hold the space for that really helps.
9. What is the main message you hope people take from this book?
That you will heal. It may take more time than you would want it to take—and that’s the nature of heartbreak—but even the seemingly devastating emotions that come with this experience are impermanent and that is extremely good news. Because when you do heal, you will love again.
You can learn more about Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken on Amazon here.
FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.
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How We Suffer When We Judge Other People’s Choices
“The greatest gift you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.” ~Brian Tracy
Two months ago I travelled back home to Connecticut to care for a sick parent. My dad was preparing for cancer treatment, trying to figure out the medical system, and packing up to move all at the same time. He was overwhelmed with stress and exhausted from his pain medication. As a caring and health-conscious daughter, I was eager to help.
I had visions of cooking him meals of steamed greens and healthy soups. And I stocked my suitcase with supplements that would ease the pain and help his body detoxify. Growing up, I suffered from an autoimmune disorder called Celiac disease, which made any food with gluten in it toxic to me, so I deeply understood the link between what we consume and how the body functions.
It excited me to be able to pass this knowledge on to my dad. We always had a close bond, and in times of illness it’s easy to feel helpless. I figured this could be my contribution.
I was afraid to see my dad ill. I’d been living in Arizona for the past two years so I didn’t have to see the change in his appearance. The butterflies in my stomach expanded as I drove to his house the first time. Thinking of him being unable to move freely, work, and have a regular life tore me up inside.
My plan was to visit him every day for three weeks and to do whatever I could to help. Luckily, seeing him in person lifted some of my worry. He seemed motivated to try new things, like trade in his meat for vegetables. And he even listened intently while I showed him what supplements to take and when.
That set up didn’t last, though. As the days went on I noticed that the bottles of pills and their color-coded instructions didn’t move. I saw that the dirty pans in the kitchen were covered in grease. Once again, my stomach was in knots and I felt panicked.
The heaviness I felt about my dad’s illness subsided when I thought he was on board with my amateur health plan. And I was only suggesting what seemed like common sense. When he didn’t wholeheartedly take my advice, a feeling of grief took me over. I felt like he wasn’t taking care of himself and that I had wasted my time in coming to see him.
It felt like he was rejecting me.
One night about a week into my trip I spoke with my boyfriend on the phone. He was upset about a plumbing issue at the house and that our cat might be sick. Tears started streaming down my face involuntarily.
“It’s not so easy here, either,” I said with a wilt in my voice. It seemed that the stress my dad felt about his condition melted into me. And the fact that my plan to save him wasn’t working made me feel overextended.
And then it hit me: I was suffering because I judged the situation.
In my mind he wasn’t doing what he could to get better, and that was wrong. And by assigning that judgment, I suffered. As soon as I accepted that he could navigate this journey in any way he wished and that was okay, my internal pain disappeared. It was like magic.
Suddenly I felt my boundaries coming back. It was easier to go to visit him when I felt like it instead of being motivated by fear and obligation. I found a way to precook some meals for him that he could add into his meat dishes. I worked with and respected his choices.
He appreciated my new attitude. I wasn’t another person telling him what to do. What he really wanted was someone to listen, and I was now capable of doing that.
This made me more of a comfort and support to him and it gave me back the ability to actually enjoy myself. Before this epiphany I was choosing to stay in, feeling depressed instead of visiting with friends I hadn’t seen in months. Releasing judgment on my father’s situation gave me a multidimensional gift.
When I thought back to other times when I’ve suffered, I saw that the pattern held up. Addiction is a great example of this.
I’ve had a few close friends and family members battle drug and alcohol demons, and the feeling in my belly was the same. I felt heavy and sick when I thought about the choices those people were making and how hard their lives must be. But it wasn’t them giving me the feeling; it was my own judgment of their situation.
I was making their life path wrong.
There are plenty of things in my past that could have garnered the same judgment. I used to smoke cigarettes, I dropped out of high school and took my GED instead of graduating, I got married young and then got divorced. My life wasn’t picture perfect, but I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. They taught me valuable lessons, and without them, I wouldn’t be me.
The suffering I felt was my creation. It was a choice. And just as easily as the heavy feeling came on, it left as I reminded myself of that. I realized that true compassion can be felt without taking on any negative feeling. Compassion is love and acceptance of where a person is; it should feel good.
Do you have friends and family members that you feel are making the wrong choices? It’s an easy trap to get into when gossip magazines and shows feel like the cornerstone of our culture. Everyone is supposed to have an opinion on the lives of others. So don’t feel badly if you have taken on that task.
The next time you feel yourself sinking because of another person’s decisions, remember to pause. Ask yourself if you are taking on this feeling of heaviness because you are judging them. If the answer is yes, then see if you can let it go. You can turn your concern into acceptance and still serve your loved one in the way they most need.
There may be times when you recognize that someone is inflicting harm on themselves or others, and in this case you need to use your best judgment. Get a professional opinion or call the authorities when the moment warrants it. Trying to help in the best way you know how is also a way to ease suffering. Acting on your observation doesn’t make you the bad guy; it frees you of holding accountability for what’s happening.
Coming out of judgment allows you to communicate without attacking. You can hold your own boundaries better and decide from an unemotional place if there needs to be any further intervention. And don’t forget to share with your loved one that you care about them. Hearing that someone loves you is often the best medicine.
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Forgiveness Isn’t Weakness – Don’t Let Anger Hold You Back and Weigh You Down
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” ~Gandhi
For many years forgiveness was not in my mind, let alone my vocabulary. I was taught to believe that forgiveness was a sign of weakness, and I certainly did not forgive anyone who hurt me.
In the past, I have engaged in acts of revenge, which I thought was the right thing to do at those times. I was wrong.
One event that springs to my mind was when I was the target of a cruel prank. A group of guys had taunted a young man I knew, telling him that he was “whipped” by his girlfriend, who lived with him. To prove this wasn’t true and that he could “get anyone he wanted,” he pretended to like me and proceeded to call, text, and show an interest in me.
I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend, and I liked him, so I went along with this, unaware of the game. I soon found out what was going on. So, what did I do? I released all hell and vengeance.
I was hurt and embarrassed on so many levels to be the butt of a cruel joke. I felt like everyone was laughing at me behind my back. In retaliation, I contacted his girlfriend, went to their house, and showed her all the messages. We even got him to message me back while I was with her. We then waited for him to come home as we both sat there.
She had thrown all his stuff outside and torn his clothes. She cut his guitar strings in front of him and kicked him out. Did I feel satisfied? I thought I did, but a few days later I felt so guilty. This guy was now homeless, the girl heartbroken, and I looked like a home wrecker. I know I did the right thing in being honest; I just went about it the wrong way.
I have since learned the power of forgiving—both others and myself.
The most important situation where I have forgiven myself was something that happened when I was only thirteen years old. This situation haunted me for many years.
I told my dad I wanted him to die. I know that this happens between children and their parents; however, the difference here is that my dad killed himself that night.
A lot led me to telling my dad to die, that I hated him, and that he would never see my brother or me again. Nonetheless, I said something I regret and I know that he listened to that message.
How can you move forward from such an act? An act that was done in defending my mum and wanting to protect my loved ones.
I have had to learn to forgive myself.
My dad had already made up his mind up before I said what I said. He was mentally unwell and no longer wanted to live. Maybe my words tipped him over the edge. But for me to live and not die with my dad, I had to forgive myself.
Forgiveness is one the best things you can learn to do for yourself. It can free you, eradicate anger over time, and leave you open to receiving wonderful things in your life.
In my life, I have been hurt, I have hurt others, and I have lost people along the way. I have done stupid things and had awful things done to me. However, I eventually realized that focusing on the past and holding onto anger was not serving me. The answer is and was forgiveness.
The only thing holding you back from forgiveness is fear. Fear of letting someone “off the hook,” fear of being hurt again in the future, fear that you may have to change, fear that you may be perceived by your peers as weak, and fear that you may become soft. These fears may seem rational, but they stop you from leading a loving, open life.
Forgiveness is an art form that takes practice. It’s not something you ever fully master, as life moves on and each passing moment brings new experiences and new ways we can be upset or hurt. Each situation is a chance to grow and become more awake to a better life.
I used to be so angry at the world, my family, and mostly, myself. I regret some of the things I’ve done in the past, but I know the best apology you can ever give is changed behavior, and that is exactly what I have done. I have changed how I treat others and how I respond when they hurt me.
With commitment to change and increased meditation, I am working on forgiveness constantly. Each time a memory comes up or I see something that upsets me from my past, I send it love. The way to a better life is through love. Through love, we can forgive.
I release my anger toward others, as it doesn’t assist me. Each time I feel a pang of jealousy, anger, or annoyance, I forgive myself and let it go. Forgiveness is an act of self-love.
When working on forgiveness and opening your heart, painful feelings and memories may come up. But the rewards of choosing to stay open and forgive far outweigh the negatives.
When we work on becoming open and eradicating all that blocks us, this opens us to love and possibility. When we hold in anger, we carry that situation or person with us and keep hurting ourselves. Why would you want to keep hurting yourself?
You’ll never move forward unless you let go.
When we choose not to forgive and hold in feelings of anger, jealously, and resentment, we remain in a negative state of being and living, and in turn attract more of the same situations into our lives.
But there is another way.
I will often laugh now when I trip up instead of getting angry. I don’t get mad at myself when I make a mistake, and I don’t get mad at other people as much anymore.
I’m learning to forgive the man who cuts me off when driving or beeps his horn at me. I don’t let the fact that someone lies to me or tries to cut me in a queue upset my inner balance.
It’s hard to do and I struggle sometimes, but I keep practicing, because keeping it in and holding onto it simply doesn’t serve me.
When I slip up, I forgive myself and realize where I can do better next time. I don’t want negative emotions and memories inside me, so each time they come up I work on releasing and surrendering.
If we want to experience happiness, relief, and true well-being, we must practice forgiving.
When you feel anger or someone upsets you, be assertive but approach the situation from a higher place of love.
When I am reminded of a past hurt or see something that upsets me, I will face it, imagine it surrounded in white light, and breathe in and out, with the out breath releasing the negative feeling.
That does’t mean I forgive instantly; for some things, it comes in time. I give myself that time and work on it because I know forgiveness is an antidote for poisons that can corrupt the body, cause illness and disease, damage the soul, and pain the mind.
When you are ready you will learn the freedom in forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself if you aren’t the weight you think you should be, forgiveness to the ex for hurting you, forgiveness for yourself for hurting them, forgiveness for the times you messed up, because you simply cannot take these things back.
Holding onto anger holds you back and weighs you down. Learn to forgive and feel as light as air. You’ll then be open to receiving all the goodness that’s available to you in life.
