Tag: wisdom
-
What to Do After a Breakup: A Brief Guide for the Newly Single
“Even in the loneliest moments I have been there for myself.” ~Sanober Khan
Last year, I decided to leave my boyfriend, who I had a loving and wonderful relationship with. I left for logistical reasons. I didn’t like the city I lived in or my job. But my boyfriend was happy there, so he stayed and I left.
The world doesn’t prepare you for a broken heart. There aren’t benefits you can apply for when the person who’s been beside you for years one day isn’t. The reality is that unless you’re married, people understand your feelings for a moment when you tell them about your breakup, but not much longer after the moment passes.
I will be so bold and compare losing a partner to losing a family member. Growing out of your teens and into your twenties is a big transition. And when you date someone through that time, they play a crucial part in that growth.
This is what happened to me. I became a “falsely independent” adult woman. What I mean by falsely is that you feel independent, but really, you’ve just replaced your family, and any person you grew up leaning on, with a partner. And when that partner is gone, it’s time to start adulthood all over again. For me, it starts here.
When you’re single, no one notices if you’ve eaten that day. Nobody tells you to come to bed when you’re staying up late working on a project. Nobody notices if you’ve worn the same sweater three days in a row, or if you need to trim your bangs.
One day, months after my breakup, I woke up hungry and tired, wearing the same old clothes, and had hair hanging in my face. I realized then it was time to grow up and be my own partner.
In the last year of being single, I’ve figured out a few ways to be the kindest, most loving partner to yourself that you can be.
Invest in Your Friendships
When in a happy and healthy relationship, we tend to let old or potential friendships fall by the wayside.
Just make sure, like in any successful relationship, to give as much as you receive from your loving friends.Sometimes the best type of friend will let you vent for hours about your broken heart or the fifteen different guys you’re trying to date at the same time, but make sure you spend time listening to him or her as well. They might have a lot to say too, even if you feel like you’re going through more.
When you find out that you and a new coworker have a mutual interest in running, and they say, “We should go running sometime,” instead of saying “For sure!” and then never giving it a second thought, take out your phone, type their phone number into it, and take them up on the offer.
Make New Memories in Old Places
For a long time, I had an impossible time walking around the city. It felt like my ex and I had kissed on every corner, shared a meal at every adorable café, taken a photo with every monument, biked around every park… brutal.
I started going out of my way to make new memories in these same spots. I took an oddball tinder date to that adorable café, and for some reason, it’s easier to think of his eyebrow ring than old memories with my ex.
I went to that same park with three friends. We drank ciders and played “Never have I ever.”
That corner we kissed at for the first time? That’s now the finish line where I set my new PB for a 5k. Walking around the city has never been more peaceful.
Give Yourself Cry Space
This might be the most important thing I’ve learned in one year of mourning a relationship. Even a strong, independent woman like myself has a secret heart under my ribcage that is made up entirely of mush.
It doesn’t matter if people understand how significant your breakup is. If it hurts you to think about it, then you need to let yourself cry, scream, pout, watch sad movies, listen to sad songs (and “our” songs), or stay in bed for a day.
Have you been feeling sad, but burying it away and going through the motions of your day? Bad idea. Those sad feelings accumulate, and they will eventually come pouring out of you, and most likely at a really inconvenient time. Like when you’re at work. Or when you’re in the middle of giving a presentation. Or when you’re on a date with someone new. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve just lost the most significant person in your life. Your best friend. Your confidant. The one you thought was “the one.” You’re allowed to cry about it. Not only for the first week, but for as long as it takes.
Throw Yourself into a Hobby
Possibly the greatest benefit of breaking up with somebody is all of the free time you gain. You no longer spend hours and hours gazing into your loved one’s eyes, talking about nothing. Now is the time to gear up, get out, and start all things you’ve been meaning to start.
Don’t know where to start? I like running. This year I ran a marathon. I also learned how to surf, learned a language, took up hip-hop dancing, read more books, and tried kickboxing.
I know it’s tempting, but don’t make drinking or smoking your new hobby. Yes, it numbs that shattered heart of yours, but it isn’t benefiting anybody, especially not beautiful you. Plus, you likely won’t meet as many people at a bar as you will surfing at the beach.
Celebrate Yourself
My ex-boyfriend supported and loved me unconditionally, and he was vocal about it. It’s been tough for me to get used to radio silence when I say things to myself like “I did really bad at work today” or “I look so ugly in these clothes” or “I can’t sign up for that race. I’m not good enough at running.”
In these moments, my partner used to chime in and make me feel like a million bucks. But that’s my job now. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but hey, no one has to know. I give myself pep talks in public bathrooms, I write notes in my iPhone, I ask friends to compliment me if I need it. Trust me, it helps.
Personal Touch
My ex-boyfriend and I worked, lived, and spent our free time together. I had probably an average of twenty minutes per day when I was out of arm’s reach from him.
I have never been a “touchy” or “huggy” person. But in the last year of being single, I have become the cuddliest person around. I will take any opportunity to hold a hand, give a hug, or link arms with the person I’m walking beside.
Don’t feel bad about this. You’re not strange. Humans need physical touch. Skin-to-skin contact can bring premature, dying babies back to life. Science says that if we go for long periods of time without being touched by a fellow human, it will negatively affect our mood, confidence, and physical health. Don’t be afraid to ask for a hug. If you feel like you need one, you probably do.
—
We live in a world where we are asked to get over trauma quickly. When I left my ex at the airport last year, I knew it would be hard. But I didn’t know it would be so hard, for so long.
There is no rulebook on how to be okay after a breakup. But if we can make a nest in life where we feel okay enough to get outside, get social, and get close to others, then there is a chance we will be okay, and we might even find love again. And even if we don’t, then at least we’ve fallen in love with ourselves.
-
The 4 Happiness Archetypes and How to Get Out of the Rat Race
“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” ~Wayne Dyer
One day, I was complaining about not having enough days off to escape work and treat myself to a vacation. I was feeling stressed and tired. I can recall my stepfather looking into my eyes with a deep sense of peace and compassion.
“I hear you,” he said. “I know you work hard. Sometimes, I imagine myself jumping out of bed and going for a walk, whenever I want to.”
His words came like thunder. It was a wake-up call to remind me how blessed I was and how much I was taking it for granted, as if nothing was ever enough. And there he was, my stepfather, trapped in a wheelchair by a severe form of multiple sclerosis, dreaming of a nice walk in nature. That day, he was my teacher.
For too many years, I spent a lot of my precious time complaining. I thought I never had enough time, money, or love.
Many of us get stuck in the habit of projecting our happiness into an imaginary future instead of living in the only reality that is, the present moment. We often think thoughts like:
The day I get married, I will be happy.
The day I can afford a bigger house, I will be happy.
The day I make x amount of money, I will be happy.
Looking back on my life, I came to realize that I didn’t know how to be happy. I continuously kept myself busy, always running somewhere so I could achieve more or better. Turning my happiness into a project and waiting for “the big things” to happen so I could finally feel joyful and satisfied.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was a rat racer. Here’s what I mean by that:
In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar (a Harvard professor, leading researcher, and author) defines four different happiness archetypes:
Nihilism
Nihilists have lost their joy in life, both present and future. They find no pleasure in their work or private life and expect no future benefits or rewards. They’ve given up and resigned to their fate.
Hedonism
Hedonists live for the moment and give little or no thought to future consequences and plans. Because they feel unchallenged by future goals or a purpose, they are often unfulfilled.
Rat Racing
The rat race archetype often sacrifices current pleasures and benefits in anticipation of some future rewards. This is likely the most familiar archetype to many of us (continuously setting new goals, never pleased, always busy).
It doesn’t mean that setting clear goals for the future is a bad practice. We all need a purpose and a clear vision. If we don’t even know what we want, how could we ever get that? The problem occurs when we attach our happiness to future outcomes without being able to see and appreciate what’s already good in our lives.
Rat racing is all about hunting for happiness, chasing an illusion, and never feeling content. The more we achieve, the more we want: another house, another car, another job, or more money.
Happiness
True happiness comes from keeping a healthy balance between the present and the future. It’s when we are capable of enjoying both the journey and the destination, focusing on today’s gifts, as well as our dreams, goals, and desires.
“Happiness is not about making it to the peak of the mountain nor is it about climbing aimlessly around the mountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward the peak.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar
The day I shifted my perception from stressed to blessed, everything changed. Here’s what I have learned and what worked well for me:
1. Happiness is a verb.
Research has shown that happiness is 50% connected to our genes, only 10% attributed to life circumstances, and 40 perfect correlated with our thoughts and behaviors. That’s why happiness is not a noun; it’s a verb. For those of us who are mentally healthy, it’s an attitude, a continuous inside job.
Many people are afraid to be happy, since they could lose it one day, and they let their worries ruin their joy.
I cultivate optimism and trust the flow of life. I shift my focus from what could go wrong to what could go right. Whatever I fear, it hasn’t happened yet. I embrace my future with the genuine curiosity of a child, and I choose to believe that something wonderful is waiting around the corner—that we live in a supportive Universe where everything unfolds perfectly, and things happen for my highest good.
If I see life with negativity, fearing that bad things could happen to me, my actions will likely attract the very things I’m trying to avoid. I’ve stopped letting my mind play with me and stress me with unnecessary fears, worries, and concerns about things that haven’t happen yet.
I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, like this one:
“Life loves me. All is well in my world, and I am safe.” ~Louise Hay
2. I sweeten my life, every day.
I have seen that many beautiful moments and small pleasures come at a low cost or even for free.
If I don’t have time for my hobbies, I make it. I read a good book or watch a fun movie that brings me the joy and laughter.
I gather with non-judgmental people who love me just the way I am. The mere act of having a good conversation over a cup of coffee charges me with a high dose of positive energy.
I go for nice walks in the park and connect with nature.
I play with my dog.
I sometimes light a candle or some nice smelling incense. (Jasmine is my favorite.) It stimulates my creativity and makes me feel good.
I’ve stopped waiting for the VIP moments of the year (like my birthday) to embellish my house with fresh flowers.
I have created the habit of drinking water from a wine glass with a slice of lemon in it.
I enjoy my morning coffee from a beautiful cup with a red heart on it, to remind myself that love is all around.
I use the beautiful bed sheets and the nice towels instead of saving them for the guests, just because I’m worth it.
“Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift; that’s why we call it present.” ~Unknown
3. I grow dreams, not regrets.
The need for stability and security (including on a financial level) is a basic human need. No wonder we start rat racing if we don’t have enough money! But what is “enough”? Isn’t that a subjective qualifier, based on our individual needs and expectations?
I have met many wealthy people who were unhappy because their ego always wanted to get more or better. It’s like when we think, “Okay, I’ve got this house now, but when I can move my family into a bigger one, I will finally be happy.”
Another reason we project happiness into the future pertains to limiting (often culturally inherited) beliefs around money that keep us stuck in a survival mode.
Take my example: Years ago, I used to work in China. I lived in a beautiful compound in downtown Shanghai, all paid for by my company, and I was single, with no loans, debt, or financial commitments. It all looked wonderful, but deep inside, I was so unhappy!
I knew I always wanted to travel the world and meet people from different cultures. I had enough money to afford that, and still, I was so afraid of spending! Even today I am thankful to the good friend who insisted on me following her on a trip, because that’s how I finally managed to break that wall.
You see, I was raised in an Eastern-European middle-class family. As a child, I often saw my parents saving money for the “black days” of their pension years (the time when one would not earn a salary and could potentially “start starving.”) As a result, I followed the same behavior once I started to make my own money.
So here’s what I’ve learned: I won’t spend my precious younger years saving everything for my retirement. Saving money is a form of self-care, and something I currently do. However, I know I won’t die with my savings account, and I won’t look back on my life with regrets once I’m older. I invest in myself and in my learning, and I spend part of my money on experiences, making sure I gather more precious memories than material things.
“You will never regret what you do in life. You will only regret what you don’t do.” ~Wayne Dyer
4. I do what I love and love what I do.
We spend the majority of our lives at work. So if we’re not happy with our jobs, we’re not happy with most of life—another reason some of us start rat racing and hoping for something different.
Too many people live their precious lives in survival mode, like robots. Frustrated or drained on Monday mornings and looking forward to the weekends so that they can feel alive. When we’re happy with our work, there’s nothing wrong with Monday mornings.
If you find yourself stuck in a job you don’t like, know that you always have a choice to step outside your comfort zone and work toward something new. It may not be easy to change careers, especially if you have limited education and people depending on you. But it’s possible to do something you believe in, something that brings you genuine joy and fulfillment.
The key is to work toward that something new while also cultivating joy in your daily life so you don’t fall into the trap of waiting for the future to be happy; and also, to remind yourself that no matter what happens, even if your circumstances are never ideal, you can still be happy.
“The most important two days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain
5. I stay away from perfection.
To me, being a rat racer felt exhausting. I didn’t know how to have fun and relax. I was too busy trying to be perfect and do everything perfectly. It was tiring, and it made me feel like I was never good enough or worthy of the best things life had to offer.
Even when I transitioned into the job of my dreams, I was still unhappy. I kept thinking:
“The day I get to make that much money a month, I will be happy.”
“The day I know everything about this job, I will be happy.”
You see, even people who love what they do can be rat racers, if they are struggling with the need for perfection.
Today, I aim for progress instead of perfection, and I enjoy each step of my professional journey, celebrating every new lesson and every kind of achievement, no matter how big or small.
“If you look for perfection, you’ll never feel content.” ~Lev Tolstoi
6. I mind my own journey.
Another thing that keeps us trapped in rat racing is the behavior of comparing ourselves to others—the money we’re making, the status at work, the house we live in, and so on.
I now know everyone is on their own journey, and each time I dedicate moments of my life comparing, I find myself in someone else’s territory, not mine. It’s like trying to live in their story and life experience instead of my own.
I’ve come to understand that when I shift my focus and attention from other people to myself, I suddenly have more time and energy to create good things in my own life. So many people complain about not having enough time for themselves. If you want more time for yourself, mind your own business and see what happens.
“Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant
7. I am grateful.
In the past, I rarely said thank you or counted my blessings. Today, I practice gratitude as a morning ritual. I focus on what I have, rather than on what’s missing.
I make sure I start every day being thankful for my health; for having a loving family, a wonderful life partner, and a great job I love; for the creativity flow that helps me write such posts and the opportunity to share my insights and experiences with the world; and for the air I breathe and the sun that caresses my face.
“If the only prayer you ever say is Thank you, that will be enough.” ~Eckhart Tolle
I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I see every day as a fresh start, a new opportunity for me to taste more of this juicy experience called living. Life is a precious gift and I intend to spend as much of it happy as possible.
And now, I would like to hear from you. What is your happiness archetype? What makes you truly happy?
-
Three Unexpected, Life-Changing Lessons I Learned at a Silent Retreat
“Every moment is a choice to begin again.” ~Unknown
By day three of the five-day silent retreat I found myself wondering, “Why did I do this again?”
The pain of sitting in lotus position for eight hours a day was testing my patience. I was frustrated that my mind would only be still for a few moments, before interrupting itself with commentary on the fact that my mind was still, and I wasn’t feeling any spiritual awakening—although not being a particularly “spiritual” person, this wasn’t entirely surprising
So why had I decided to go on a silent retreat in the first place? I had wanted to experience meditation without distraction and to take my practice to another level.
Going into the silent retreat, I had worries and questions circling: Will the silence be tedious? What will the other people be like? Are the teachers going to be cult-like leaders? Will I uncover some past trauma buried away deep inside?
Of course, of the things I worried about, none of them came true. Instead, what I found challenging and what I learned the most from were things that I hadn’t even considered: desire, expectations, and judgment.
Desire
If you’ve ever wondered what drives your behavior, you can thank the power of desire for that. And you certainly learn a lot about desire when you’re at a silent retreat.
Silent retreats are set up so that you never need to verbally communicate, which means that almost every minute of the day is scheduled for you, all your meals are prepared, and all external stimulation is removed. This creates a perfect storm for your desire to run wild, fantasizing about all the things you can’t have or do.
I never noticed how much I’m driven by desire until I spent a significant portion of the retreat daydreaming about different foods I wanted to eat. By day three I was writing lists of foods I was going to eat when I finally was “free” again.
I didn’t understand why I felt so compelled to do this until our evening teachings the following night, when I realized it was because I was struggling with desire.
That night we learned that what we’re often really craving is not the thing that we desire, but the reprieve we feel once we have relieved ourselves from the yearning of desire. This realization actually freed me from my wants, and allowed me to instead laugh at the simplicity of my humanness and my clear love of rice paper rolls.
It also made me realize that when we’re able to see what’s driving us, we have the space to observe our experience and choose how we respond, rather than being at the mercy of invisible desires. Instead, we’re able to consider what it is we really need, rather than simply what we want in that moment.
Since the retreat, I’ve been more mindful of when desire is driving me and it’s certainly helped my bank account, particularly when I’m having a moment where I think, “I just need these shoes” without really knowing why I “need them” so much.
Not that there’s anything wrong with buying shoes, but I’ve been able to see more clearly when my desire to buy shoes is coming from a place of wanting to feel better about myself, when I want to feel like I’m keeping up with others, or when I want other people to think I’m cool.
I’ve come to realize that while buying shoes might make me feel good in the moment, it isn’t going to build the foundations of lasting self-confidence.
Instead, I now find it much easier to pause and acknowledge, “Aha, this is just desire” and recognize that really, I have enough and I don’t need things to be enough.
Expectations
I’ve always known that having really set expectations can cause all sorts of problems, but the experience of the silent retreat cemented this for me.
My biggest problem was that I expected my meditation practice to somehow transform itself into something other than what it currently was. Of course, setting this expectation didn’t mean that my meditation practice changed at all; instead, it just left me feeling frustrated that I wasn’t experiencing something different. Ironically, meditation is all about experiencing whatever arises in that moment.
I didn’t even know what it was that I expecting to change. But I learned that when we’re searching for something, we’re blinded by the act of searching, and we miss the subtle changes that are unfolding before us. It’s often not until we let go of what we think should be changing that we can really notice and appreciate what has changed.
I also came to realize that expectations can really cause a lot of suffering. Now, looking back, I recognize that my expectations took me away from the beautiful sounds of the Balinese jungle, from the stillness that was there, and the joy of simply being.
When I let go of my expectations, not only did I start enjoying meditation more, I realized how powerful it could be to let go of expectations.
Despite having this realization, I’m still constantly surprised at how often my expectations get in the way of me being able to live peacefully. I often find myself expecting friends to behave in certain ways, and when they don’t, I feel deeply disappointed. But really, there’s no reason for me to expect them to behave differently, as they are simply engaging in the same behaviors that they have over the past fifteen years.
What I’ve taken from this is that the solution isn’t to disregard expectations, but to be mindful that your expectations aren’t too far removed from reality. I’ve found looking at the facts of a situation helpful in managing my expectations and instead, delighting in the unexpected.
Judgment
No matter how much we try not to be, we’re naturally judgmental. And I know this cannot be changed, but what I really noticed on retreat was the effect it had on my mind and my body, and how different my experience could be if I practiced letting go of judgment.
One evening I found myself really judging another girl for using social media while at the retreat. We had been asked to not make any contact with the outside world, and this of course included no use of social media.
At the time, I assumed that her use of social suggested that she wasn’t taking the retreat seriously. As these judgments raced through my mind, I noticed how much my body tensed up, how irritated I felt, and I could almost feel my mind narrowing as I focused on how their behavior was “wrong.”
Yet, when I opened myself up and tried to accept her behavior, I was freed from my own prison of judgment. When I allowed myself to be curious rather then judgmental, the experience transformed for me.
Instead of feeling irritated by her and closed off, I instead felt open and compassionate, and frankly just a lot less bothered by her. Being open and curious allowed me to move on and let go, relieving the discomfort of being judgmental.
It certainly wasn’t an easy thing to do, and I had to remind myself time and time again to keep opening, but the felt difference between the two was unbelievable. It was actually much more physically and emotionally pleasant being non-judgmental than being judgmental.
I really noticed this for myself when I was back in New York, sitting in a Broadway show. I caught myself totally distracted by the judgmental commentary happening in my head. It was the same old story, comparing my body to those of the performers, and my poor old thighs were the victims of my self-criticism yet again.
When I noticed how deeply I was caught up in worrying about the size of my thighs, I decided it was a good moment to practice what I had learned on retreat. I started saying to myself over and over, “Let go, be present.”
It was such a relief to allow myself to let go of judgment, and instead I was open to connect with feelings of joy as I started clapping along to the songs with the rest of the crowd. Not only this, letting go of the judgment allowed me to be more accepting and compassionate towards myself.
So all in all, while my meditation practice didn’t change as I expected it to, I certainly learned a lot on the silent retreat and took a lot away with me, all which was delightfully unexpected.
My three takeaways were that:
1. Desire is just a creation of our mind that we don’t need to follow. In fact, just acknowledging it can relieve us from the power of our desire.
2. Letting go of expectations allows us to be present and enjoy what is already here.
3. Being open and curious frees us from judgment, allowing us to be accepting and compassionate toward others, and ourselves.
-
Break the Cycle: How to Stop Hurting Others When You Were Mistreated
“What’s broken can be mended. What hurts can be healed. And no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.” ~Unknown
I grew up with difficult and hurtful parents who spoke critically, with the intent to demean.
Each word of sarcasm, each thinly veiled joke or put-down undercut my self-esteem. Each knocked me down a rung in life and kept me from my potential.
Rampant comparisons to other Indian kids succeeding academically, attacks of my mediocre performance at school, and harsh language were my mother’s weapons of choice.
When someone attacks your self-esteem repeatedly, you feel beat down. It feels like you were meant to fly, but your own family is making you drown.
Then, your natural tendency might be to do to others what someone has done to you.
My tendencies were to judge and compare others in my mind, to taunt and verbally attack them. It was fitting then, I guess, that my career path led me to becoming a lawyer, now an ex-lawyer.
As I got into the habits of sabotaging and hurting others, I never thought much about it. I just assumed that because my parents had talked to me harshly and treated me badly, I had the license to do the same to others.
Others could handle the pain because I had. Others could endure a verbal lashing because I had. Others could handle emotional abuse because I had.
You, too, might have grown up in a household that wounded you deeply. You might have never been able to leave the shadow of the pain and suffering you experienced. And you might have learned to treat people as others once treated you.
I’ve come to believe that just because others hurt us, that doesn’t mean we have to continue the cycle of abuse.
You don’t have to fall into your natural, default behaviors. You can change. You can choose different actions and make different decisions. You can break the cycle of negativity, criticism, and abuse.
Here are six steps to heal the pain you felt and end the cycle of hurt.
1. Work on forgiving those who hurt you.
This may be much more easily said than done, but forgiveness is the key to healing. If you can’t forgive today, at least set the intention to forgive. It doesn’t matter how tragic or traumatic your past was; you must forgive for yourself. You’ll feel like a heavy weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You will be able to breathe much more easily.
It helps to put your abuser’s behavior in perspective so you can see their actions in a different light.
Try to understand what influenced their behaviors and characteristics. For example, with my parents, they were likely raised in a similar way. Also, culturally, parents in Asia tend to be direct and hold you to high standards because they want you to succeed in life. Their intentions may have been ultimately good, but the way they went about parenting was misguided.
Look at them through a lens of gratefulness. What could you appreciate about them, in spite of the pain they caused? Is there anything you can appreciate about the pain? I owe my sense of compassion, which is the foundation of my work, to my parents. Because of how I was hurt growing up, I now do work that reduces suffering and helps people find peace.
Look at them through a perspective of love. If you saw them through a loving prism, how would you explain their actions and behavior?
2. Work on your own healing.
Instead of burning in anger and hatred, focus on what you need for your emotional and mental health.
Assess the damage they’ve caused, look at the impact their behavior has had on your life, and determine what you must heal.
Visit a counselor if necessary. Find coping mechanisms. Write about your hurt. Open yourself to a spiritual practice. Seek the tools that can help you heal your emotional wounds.
Cultivate love for yourself. Speak to yourself gently. Let go of your high demands and expectations of yourself. Notice if how you treat yourself is similar to how the people who hurt you in the past treated you.
3. Look for alternative role models.
Watch your behavior and notice what you do when others hurt or anger you. How do you react when others push your buttons?
If you don’t know how to respond or react differently from the people who raised you, look for alternative role models. Seek people with positive and emotionally healthy ways of responding to personal situations.
Study them. Take notes. Notice how they handle trying circumstances. Model their behavior in your own interpersonal relationships.4. Learn positive and empowering behavior.
If you were taught destructive and dysfunctional ways of being and speaking, opt for alternative ways. Hold back on hurtful words, convey your needs with softer language, and respect other people’s boundaries. Practice listening intently instead of responding rashly to what others say to you.
Recently, someone told me that I couldn’t park my car in a particular part of a lot and had to park much further back and walk. The area I had parked in was for the vendors of the event I was attending.
My first reaction was to fight back, use the parking lot rules against them, ask for the manager, and make a big scene about how unjust it was for me to have to move my car a couple blocks away where there was clearly space right there.
Then I noticed the person was wearing a volunteer badge and had an overwhelmed expression on his face. I opted not to do what my defacto behavior was and instead chose understanding. I tried to see that he was doing the best he could and was just looking out for the vendors, who were critical to a successful event.
Even if this person was wrong and even if it was unfair, I could still make his day a little less stressful and more pleasant. I could avoid arguing, making a scene, or verbally attacking someone who was trying their best to serve others.
5. Focus on your reactions instead of the behavior of others.
You can’t control others’ reactions, but you can learn to notice, change, and improve your own.
Look for triggers and other behavior that provokes you. Notice your immediate reaction when people treat you badly, disrespect you, or lash out against you.
Instead of immediately engaging with this behavior, withdraw, reflect, analyze, and take a thoughtful next step.
This is what I had to do when I was talking to a woman I had recently met, who was not a fan of the type of writing I do.
I found her remarks dismissive and non-supportive, and felt like lashing out. I wanted to attack her in some way or put down some part of her life that she valued, but after several days and after much calming down, I focused on my reaction. I let the anger simmer, re-evaluated her simple preference for fiction writing, and came to the conclusion that different people have different reading preferences.
I was still hurt and told her so without demeaning or attacking her in return. I was able to communicate that I was hurt, which she apologized for, without hurting her. A win!
6. Spread your light.
Remind yourself that even if you grew up with challenging people and the darkness of human behavior, you get to choose how you treat others and show up in the world.
You can operate by the default of hurting others—or, worse, seek revenge—and mimic the harmful and negative habits you witnessed growing up, or you can actively take different steps and make different choices.
You can bring yourself out of the darkness of bad behavior, cruelty, abuse, and negligent child rearing. You can go out in the world choosing love and spreading your light of compassion and understanding.
You can be the conduit who transforms pain into healing, not only for yourself but for everyone around you. You can show others who are hurting that forgiveness, understanding, love, and compassion are possible even after you’ve been hurt. And in doing so, you can help make the world a less hurtful place.
-
How to Maintain a Sense of Peace No Matter What Life Throws At You
“Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” ~Unknown
Do you ever feel like your life is a rollercoaster?
One second, you’re on top of the world. The next, you’re down in the dumps.
For me, this feeling of going up and down began back in high school.
Before then, everything in life seemed like a test run. Sure, there were exams, extracurricular activities, and the usual social pressures. But now that university was only a few years away, things suddenly turned serious.
“These are the most important years of your life,” people would say. “Make the best use of them.”
And so, every single thing, no matter how big or small, seemed to have an amplified effect. If I didn’t do something right, my life was over. But if I did achieve a step in the right direction, my life was set.
When I applied for a leadership position that I thought was a good fit, I convinced myself that I absolutely had to get it. I read the leadership responsibilities diligently, practiced the same speech over and over, and thought about what I would do when I got the position.
The result? I didn’t get it. My life, as I knew it, was over.
Fast-forward a few years to university: I had decided by this time that I wanted to go to business school. My friends and I would talk about the application process and how to improve our chances of acceptance. With bated breath, I finalized my application and submitted it.
The result? I was accepted. Since the school had strong internship and job prospects, my life was set.
While I had fun, school was also incredibly stressful. Classmates and I would beam with excitement when we were invited to interviews, only to be disheartened a few days later when an offer didn’t come.
Later, I received an offer to work in a role that seemed perfect for what I was looking for. I was elated.
As you can probably guess by now, that feeling didn’t last.
It began to feel like no matter what I did or how much effort I put in, life was never a smooth path. Seemingly promising opportunities would lead me to obstacles in the way. Even when I did get something I wanted, it would lead to another stressful problem that needed solving. And so on it went.
After dealing with these emotions and thoughts for years, I felt exhausted. It felt as if there was no end to the tunnel. No point in time when I could just put down everything, sit, and enjoy the scenery for a while.
Eventually, I figured that it wasn’t simply the swirl of events surrounding me that caused my ups and downs. It was my perspective. I consistently attached myself to specific outcomes, as if my life depended on them, and felt devastated when things didn’t work out.
Sure, some of the things I experienced could easily make anyone feel the same way. Had I taken a different view, however, I wouldn’t have constantly psyched myself up and created these unhealthy emotions.
When I look back at what I thought were huge victories and setbacks at the time, they seem insignificant now. My life wasn’t over, as I believed it to be, nor was it set in stone. And truthfully, I wouldn’t want either.
I learned that no matter what happens, life goes on. Celebrations and challenges are a part of everyone’s life, not the be-all and end-all. With practice, I’ve started incorporating a sense of peace into my life by using some practices that anyone can apply.
4 Practices to Help You Maintain Peace and Perspective
1. Expect twists and turns.
Recently, I went on a long-awaited vacation. Soon after landing, I stepped off the plane relieved and excited to begin my holiday.
Unfortunately, my new luggage case arrived less than intact.
“Why me?” I thought. This was the first time in years that I had used the airport check-in, and my luggage was the only one that was damaged.
I realized then that I had two choices: I could let this ruin my vacation, or I could enjoy my holiday regardless.
I admit, I did grumble about it initially. But later I took the contents out and put the case out of view so that I wouldn’t spend my holiday thinking about it.
Unexpected events happen to everyone. It’s important to acknowledge them as a part of life and plan for them when possible. Even though I felt upset about possibly tossing out my new favorite luggage, I reminded myself how fortunate I was that I got to use it in the first place.
Thankfully, the airline ended up offering to get my luggage case repaired.
I realize some twists and turns are more emotionally trying than damaged luggage, and far more difficult to accept. But if we learn to expect the unexpected, we’ll spend less time resisting life’s inevitable curveballs and more time proactively dealing with them.
2. Look at the big picture.
Painful events and experiences happen to everyone. Sometimes, they’re so painful that it feels like nothing will ever take away the feeling of sorrow or hurt. But everything heals in time, and sometimes good can come from even the most traumatic situations.
A few years ago, a relative of mine lost her husband to cancer. It was devastating for everyone, especially for her family. At the time, it felt almost unimaginable that someone so close and well loved could leave so soon.
While he is still missed and thought of every day, good things have happened since then:
- A marriage and the addition of a new family member
- A stronger bond between the family
- The realization that it’s crucial to laugh and enjoy life while we can
So no matter how terrible something feels at the time, know that you have the strength to get through it. There will be many moments in the future, both blissful and difficult. And if you can survive one painful experience, you can survive the next one.
It also helps to remember that some of life’s greatest challenges end up being our greatest teachers. You may not be able to control what happens, but you can decide what lessons you choose to learn from them.
3. Practice self-care.
When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?
Most of us spend our time running errands or doing work for other people, but rarely do we pause and enjoy a moment simply for the sake of it.
By constantly putting ourselves in stressful situations, we end up damaging our health in the long run.
Make time for yourself. Sit and listen to your favorite music, pursue your hobby, or meditate. Some of my favorite ways to de-stress include taking a walk outside and curling up with a good book.
When you take care of yourself, you feel more centered, more peaceful, and better able to handle whatever life throws at you.
We all need time for ourselves to relax and reflect on our day. Besides, I’ve found that taking breaks helps me to approach tasks with greater clarity and calmness than working all the time.
4. Practice patience.
Sometimes it feels like life is a constantly unraveling story. The only problem is, we want to jump straight to the end and see what happens.
For instance, sometimes I think to myself: In five years, will I still be in the same place that I’m in right now? If I choose to spend time working on this endeavor, will it eventually give me the results I want? Will the person I just messaged reply back?
We feel anxious when something in our life is unresolved—an “open loop,” they call it. It makes our heart rate go up and creates tension within ourselves, both of which are unhealthy.
It’s been difficult, but I’ve been trying to be more patient. To do this, I direct my thoughts and attention to things that are productive, such as focusing on the actions rather than the result.
When I’m patient, it becomes easier to deal with both celebrations and setbacks. Knowing that sometimes only time can resolve a situation gives me the ability to let go and be present. And it’s always easier to be peaceful when you’re living in the moment.
Feel At Peace With a Change in Mindset
We all experience disappointments and serendipitous moments. But if you’re exhausted from constantly reacting to the ups and downs in your life, it’s time to step back and reflect on how you respond to things.
Inner peace comes from appreciating life, with all its quirks and bumps. It’s about doing what you can, knowing that sometimes the path you choose will take unexpected turns.
The process of growing and learning can be challenging. It can be downright scary. But if you manage to weather the storms that come your way, you’ll come out stronger than before.
-
3 Steps to Rocket Your Creative Dreams into the Stratosphere
“Do your art every day, no matter how crappy your day is.” ~Ksenia Anske
I was definitely the weird kid. The boy who played with invisible friends out there on the playground during recess. I had what you might call “a rich inner life.”
I guess that’s expected when you’re in grade school. All cool. But as I got older the world began to get unkind. Like the day I realized the stories in my head weren’t really real. Or when that jock guy called me an “art fag” in front of everybody. Or when all the girls said I was weird.
By junior high I did my best to hide my creative heart. It was far too vulnerable. So guess what. I was never really seen. Not in the hallways or the classrooms or the cafeteria. Not at home. Not anywhere. It was just too f’ing scary.
During my college years I finally began to crawl out of my shell. It was always a struggle. I often dealt with it through poetry or lyrics to songs I was writing.
Uptown
by Electron Love Theory
I go uptown, ‘cause there’s a fire in my head
I do downtown, ‘cause there’s no one in my bed
I go around town to try to find a friend
I go inbound because I must defend myself
Eventually I connected with plenty of other creative types—secret poets, guitar gods, heavenly painters, misfit photographers. I learned to embrace my weirdness. My creative flow. The strange and beautiful words, images, and music that poured from my soul. Over time I became less afraid. I practiced my crafts and began to shine my heart in the world.
It took years and years of bloody battles (which still occasionally surface) before I could fully be who I knew I was. An artist. A musician. A writer. A filmmaker. A healer. A teacher.
Since then I’ve won a major award for my music. I made a film about a wise and magical barista that got picked up for international distribution. Had nearly a million spins of my music on Pandora. Shot a zillion photos. Taught college students to rock. Practiced NLP. And wrote a book about how to get your creative dreams off the ground.
Even with this considerable success my fragile heart has been battered with plenty of pain, loss, and disappointment along the way. I’ve bloodied my head from banging against a whole lot of walls (both real and imagined). Many times I’ve sweated oceans of effort without money or recognition as compensation. And that’s okay.
I want to share what I’ve learned with you. Because through my own self-expression I’ve learned more and more about who I am. I’ve freed worlds of pain. I’ve healed shadow parts. These are the real successes.
I know, without a doubt, that your creativity is a beacon of truth and healing. It needs to be known. It takes courage, but it’s worth it.
Ready for the first few steps? Hell yeah!
Step 1: Declare Your Dream
It’s easy to spend half the day in your head. It’s kind of the default. Unless you’re really engaged in something, we tend to think. And that thinking tends to be in circles. You know what I’m talking about.
When you’re contemplating your dream—whether it’s taking a watercolor class, building a sculpture out of gumdrops, or busting out a short film script about a vampire who loves disco dancing—it has a much better chance of making it to reality if you announce it loud and clear to your people.
If your people are solid, they will get behind you. They will support you. They will want you to succeed. But the fact is that not everybody in the world is in the space to give you what you need. They may be lost in their own nonsense, negativity, or self-doubt. So choose your people carefully.
What should you declare? Whatever it is, it needs to have these components.
What exactly you’re going to do
State your vision as clearly as possible. Make sure it’s under your control. It’s well within your control to write a movie script about a dancing vampire. It’s not in your control to sell it to Steven Speilberg. (Although it is in your control to try!)
Why you’re going to do it
There are always reasons why we do things. Check in to make sure you’re doing your thing for a reason that matters to you.
Maybe you’re writing about the vampire because music and dancing saved your life (and you identify as goth). Expressing that gratitude is a big deal. Even if it’s in the form of a cheesy youtube video.
When you’ll do it and when it’ll be done
Important! Without a deadline your goal will quickly fall down the to-do list. So make a deadline. Better yet, make several short-term, smaller deadlines. Like having the script outline done in a month. The first draft done a month after that. And the final draft done by your birthday. So you can go out dancing to celebrate (while wearing fangs).
How your people will know that it happened
It is not your person or gang’s problem to reach out to you to find out if you did what you said you were going to do. It is your responsibility. This is key.
You could announce your progress via email every Friday at 5:00. Or Sunday night. Or on the specific deadline dates. Just ask your pals to be receptive and to give you a thumbs up on your milestones. Or maybe they want to give you gold stars. Or buy you lattes.
Declare your dream. Become accountable. Not just to yourself, but to the people who love you and want you to succeed.
Step 2: Start Before You’re Ready
Is anyone really ready? Hell no. I’m certainly not.
Seven years ago I somehow landed a gig teaching college students to write songs. I don’t read music. I barely know theory. And although it’s true that I have tons of third party cred that I’m a pretty kick ass songwriter, I was freaked out and intimated by the job. But I put on my big boy pants, started sweating bullets, and walked in there that first day like I was king of the studio.
There were some pretty huge missteps but soon enough I got a clue. Since then one of my students has won a national songwriting award. Another sang backup on a hit song. After struggling for weeks, one guy who was previously frozen with fear had a major breakthrough. He turned to me and said, “I finally remember why I love music so much.”
We need to find the moxie to start before we’re ready. It’s good for us. And perhaps it’s even better for the people who we touch. The ones we empower with our creations. With our example of courage.
Be bold. Start now. Before you’re ready.
Step 3: Say “Yes, and ______.”
Ever get the feeling that life is a bit like improv comedy? I do. Maybe it’s because I took an improv comedy class. (I wasn’t ready for this either;)
One of the main tenets of improv comedy is to say “Yes, and ____.”
This simply means that you need to accept reality—whether you like it or not— and then add something of value to the story.
In an improv exercise the reality might be that we’re all waiting for the bus and it starts raining hundred dollar bills. Or the doctor comes in wearing a Homer Simpson costume. Or your lover suddenly grows six arms.
Whatever it is, you just kind of have to deal with it. Then take the story somewhere. It’s fun. It’s an interactive game. It forces you to think fast.
Life is improv. Sometimes it’s comedy. Sometimes it’s tragedy. But it’s always improv in one way or another.
Accept whatever the world hands you. Then figure out how to add something interesting, funny, powerful, or helpful to it. Your life will open up. Guaranteed.
Example:
“Hey, friend. You’re not gonna believe this but my iPhone takes pretty good pictures.”
“Cool! Wanna write lines of poetry on cardboard signs, ask strangers on the street to hold them up, and take photos of the whole thing?”
It’s that easy. Say “Yes, and ____.”
The Sweet and Tasty Wrap up
These are simple ideas. But if you step up and into them, they’ll also become delicious. Although it may take a while to get to the good part. Like a tootsie pop.
Yeah, it takes work, courage, and conviction. Of course it’s going to get challenging. I hope so, anyway. If you don’t feel like quitting once in awhile you probably haven’t picked a goal that’s worth doing.
But please, please, please step into your creative dream. Whatever it is for you. It’s worth the effort.
Expressing your truth frees your soul. Opens your heart. And heals your life. Whether it’s through story, images, performance or anything else, creativity is simply not a luxury item. It’s part of what makes us human. And part of what connects us to each other in joy, sorrow, pain and love.
What have you started before you were ready?
How has creativity healed you?
What are you going to say “Yes, and ____” to?
