Tag: wisdom
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Why Failed Relationships Aren’t Actually Failures: 5 Lessons on Love That Doesn’t Last
“Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” ~Lord Alfred Tennyson
I’ve always loved relationships—the euphoria of early romance, the comfort of built intimacy, and the experience of adventuring through life with someone else. While there are some pretty snazzy parts of being single, I was a sucker for love from a young age.
Now, I also didn’t meet my fiancé until I was thirty—which means I’ve seen my share of the romantic downside as well. With the highs of love come the lows of romantic breakdown: heartache, loss, and the grief of things not working out. Regardless of how they happen, breakups aren’t easy, and it’s common to think of a relationship’s ending as a failure.
But is it?
The dictionary defines failure as “the nonperformance of success or expectation.” If the point of a relationship is to be together until death do us part (or until we ride off into the sunset and the credits roll) then yes, a breakup is not exactly a success.
But what if that’s not the point? Maybe we can still strive for a love that lasts while reframing our ideas of the loves that didn’t.
The following is a compilation of lessons I’ve learned from my own “failed” relationships, a mixtape of why “failed” love isn’t actually a failure at all.
While our definition of that word may vary, I encourage you to read on with an open mind. There just might be more success in your own past than you previously thought.
1. Relationships teach us about ourselves.
Whenever one of my previous relationships was coming to an end, it usually began with the finding of incompatibilities—disagreements as small as where to eat or as large as whether or not to have kids.
The inconsistencies in beliefs often showed me more about myself than they did the other person. I had to date an atheist to find out how much I really wanted to believe in God. I had to date someone who liked to stay home to realize how much I liked being social. While finding these incompatibilities was anything but fun, in retrospect I see they were a map to finding myself.
2. Relationships show us where we can grow.
There’s a saying that I’ve always liked: “Relationships pour miracle grow on our character defects.” When I was in a relationship that pushed my buttons, I realized which buttons were there to be pushed: things about myself I wouldn’t have noticed until another person made them glaringly apparent.
For example, dating someone with a lot of female friends showed me that I was pretty insecure; while at first his social circle seemed to be the problem (how dare he hang out with other women, right?), over time I realized that it was my own self-esteem that needed attention. Although this “button pusher” relationship didn’t stick, it showed me where my work was.
Through examining my buttons (rather than the button pusher), I was better equipped to do the self-work that would allow me to show up more fully for every future relationship, romantic or not.
3. Relationships allow us to practice vulnerability.
It’s pretty scary to open our hearts up to another person. After all, none of us really know what the future holds, right? Those of us who have experienced our fair share of heartache have even more reason to be cautious: We know what it’s like to lay our hearts out on the line and give someone the option of smashing them to smithereens. (While it’s helpful to avoid this heart-smashing type of relationship, it happens to the best of us, and the possibility is always there.)
Yet, being vulnerable in the face of potential loss is truly the bread and butter of life. Sure, we could play our cards close to our vest and lessen the likelihood of possible harm—but in turn, we also lessen the likelihood of truly being known.
Regardless of how a relationship has ended, when I’ve allowed myself to fully open my heart to another person, I am reminded that it was not a waste at all; it was a brick in the road of living my fullest life.
4. No love is ever wasted.
When in the throes of a relationship, we often have our heart set on not just our partner but on our future with that partner. This is often the hardest thing about a relationship ending: you don’t just lose what you’ve shared, but the imagined future that you’d included the other in.
When that future vanishes, it’s common to look back on the shared past with regret. But what if expressing love, kindness, and shared intimacy is an end in and of itself?
As humans, we love to keep our eyes on the outcome and the finish line but forget that it’s the journey to that mountaintop that shapes us. As the quote above reads, “Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”
Whether the act of love is in the present or the past, it existed all the same—and if we allow it to do so, it can remind us of the most beautiful side of the human condition.
5. Our past loves played an important role in our lives.
Each person that journeys beside us on the road of life not only shapes who we will become but also how we feel as we get there.
My first love and I moved across the state to pursue our individual dreams. While our relationship didn’t last, we were a safe haven for the other in an unfamiliar and daunting time.
On the flip side, those unhealthy relationships that, on the surface, appear all wrong can help us more wisely choose a partner in the future.
While it would be great to learn lessons from other people’s experiences, most of us have to find out what we want by trial and error—from dating a few (or a bunch) of the wrong people before we can identify the right one. Even the most painful relationships in my past helped me learn who I wanted to be with (as well as who I wanted to be) in the future.
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Some endings are inevitable. Being able to see the positives in our past doesn’t mean those relationships have any business in our present. It does, however, mean that instead of looking at what we lost when something ended, we can remember what we gained as well: perspective, strength, and experience.
If failure is the nonperformance of success, then let’s demand to expect only growth from ourselves and define success as the amount of love that we gave. Because love is never lost…
It simply changes shape.
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How to Connect with Yourself in a World Designed to Distract You
“The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.” ~Plutarch
We live in an age of information overload. Our televisions and the Internet are flooding our senses with a myriad of things.
Researchers carefully craft all the advertisements we watch and all the magazines we read to prime us to think certain thoughts and take certain actions. A particular color, a special tone in the voice, a slight gesture with the eyes—all are designed to do one thing and one thing alone: influence our minds.
They affect us just enough that the subsequent thoughts we may have seem like our own, and the decisions we make based on those thoughts seem rational.
On a daily basis, we are ‘primed’ to spend our time or money on something we may not need. A thought is planted in us so carefully that suppressing it feels like denying our most basic instincts. And why not? It stirs our primal desires of power, sex, and influence. The results are obvious, and all around us.
We are always looking forward to the next gadget to purchase, the next movie to watch, or the next television series to binge on. We are consuming information and material possessions at a startling rate, and we don’t seem to mind. We feel that when it comes to entertainment and information, there is no such thing as too much.
We also engage in the use of social media as a means of connecting with people. We want to share everything from pictures of our family to the latest meals we cooked.
Sending out that daily status update makes us feel a certain kind of security about who we are. We know we are living a good life when someone confirms it with a “like” on the Internet. It’s a form of social validation that encourages sharing, often at the expense of true feeling.
This constant outward search for approval is often the reason why we don’t look for an internal source of approval. We get used to asking others about who we are and become unable to see the reality for ourselves. If they tell us we are doing the right thing, then we must be; otherwise, we are not that sure.
The result of this trend is we have no time left to reflect or ponder. If, on occasion, we do look inward, we feel a sense of emptiness and fear. Not knowing what to do with it, we try to fill that emptiness with some external source of gratification.
That emptiness is important. It is telling us that we are disconnected from who we are. This disconnect is one of the main reasons why we end up in painful life situations.
A few years ago, I was about to graduate from a US university. The job market was tough, and I needed all the help I could get to find decent work. At the time, a professional contact who I greatly admired became my mentor. He seemed to know it all, and I always looked forward to his advice.
He believed that a person in my field would not find a job easily out of college, especially because I was an international student and would require a work permit.
He thought that in order to survive, I needed to get certified as a programmer in a particular high-end software. Although it would be tough to get, the effort would be well worth it. And if I still couldn’t find a job, he would get me in touch with the right people himself. And so, it was decided.
Over the next six months, I spent thousands of dollars on books, coaching, and commuting in order to get certified in a computer language that I struggled to develop any liking for. I was jobless for six months and couldn’t even afford to pay my rent. I lived with friends who were kind enough to let me sleep on their couch and study for twelve-plus hours every day.
The day after the exam, I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration. It turned out that I had lost close to twenty pounds over the previous few weeks and weighed only 125 pounds. Obviously, I could not afford health insurance at that time and got hospital bills that took me two years to pay off in installments.
When my mentor found out how terribly I had performed in the exam, he told me my chances weren’t looking good and he wouldn’t be able to do anything for me. I never heard from him again. After a month, I got the result that I did manage to barely clear the passing mark, but it was too late. I had already accepted a job that would let me pay the bills.
Over the next few years my self-esteem continued to erode. It ended with me leaving the country and heading back to India after four years of struggle in the United States.
Looking back at why I placed my trust in someone so blindly and continued to face self-esteem issues, I realized that I was totally disconnected from who I was as an individual.
I knew that I did not like computer languages to begin with, but while making that fateful decision, I ignored all the self-knowledge I had until that point. I put more trust in someone else’s belief about who I was, just because I needed their approval.
I suffered, not because someone gave me bad advice, but because I was unable to reject it. I kept ignoring my instincts because I thought they didn’t matter.
A good sign of having lost connection with yourself is that your true instincts feel like distractions, and distractions feel like true instincts.
When we are distracted, we feel bored, confused, and unmotivated. We become inclined to pick the easiest path from those available.
The post-Internet world is designed to distract us, disconnect us from ourselves, and keep us that way. It gives us one novelty after another, just like giving a child one toy after another to keep her occupied. Otherwise, she might cry. But sometimes, a child needs to cry.
We are afraid of crying, of getting hurt, of looking at ourselves as we are. So we prefer to be distracted and entertained, no matter what the cost.
Is there a way to rediscover that connection with ourselves? To feel centered and confident about who we are; to understand our emotions, feelings, and desires clearly; to know our strengths and acknowledge our limitations?
Can we know ourselves from moment to moment, every day, not with words or descriptions, but with an actual perception of our inner selves being intact, self-sufficient, and free from outside influence?
I think there is a way. This three-step process has greatly helped me reconnect with myself. I hope it helps you too.
1. See what you see.
Take a moment to notice what you are seeing at the moment. Is it your phone or a computer on which you are reading this, and your surroundings? Or, are you also seeing, at some level, mental images?
Most of the time, we are unconsciously seeing things, such as what happened at work today, or what our friend said to us, or some scenes from a favorite TV show. At other times, we are often seeing things that we want to happen, or fear might happen.
The physical eye shows us one reality, which is often mundane, but the mind’s eye shows us a reality that can be quite interesting.
We unconsciously or consciously visualize things that either give us pleasure or fear. We imagine negative outcomes and think of ways to protect ourselves in case they happen, or we imagine positive outcomes like enjoying an upcoming vacation. Yet, both outcomes exist only in the mind. The present reality contains no such thing.
Visualization is a double-edged sword.
As kids we are encouraged to imagine more and more in order to be creative. But creativity isn’t just visualization, is it? It is also about seeing the same reality as others, but differently. The key is being able to visualize when we need to and not when we don’t. Otherwise, our imagination becomes hyperactive and results in a constant stream of images in front of our eyes. As if we were dreaming while awake.
If we can stop our visualization at will and only see what our physical eyes are showing us, then our mind becomes simplified. It relaxes and naturally draws our attention inwards, to our bodies. Our attention moves from things that exist in the mind to the things that exist in physical reality.
Quick exercise: Look around the place you are currently sitting in. See all the things in your room, no matter how insignificant. Look at every shape, every color, every corner. Take time to notice it. Look at your own hands and examine them closely.
Reality is full of physical sensations, not imagination.
This brings us to the second step in the process.
2. Feel what you feel.
If someone were to ask me, “Can you describe exactly all the emotions you are having at the moment?” I would find it difficult to answer.
We often experience multiple emotions at the same time. Sometimes we are angry but also sad because of our life situation. Sometimes we are at peace with the world but also feel a longing for something better. Sometimes we are full of gratitude, but not without a hint of pride. Our body responds to the emotions we are having through physical sensations.
When our palms sweat, we know we are nervous, and when our heart races, we know we are excited or afraid. When we are worried, our breathing becomes shallow and our muscles and nerves tense up. When we are happy, we breathe easy, and our body relaxes. The reason is, our mind is telling the body what to feel, based on what the mind is thinking.
We are so used to living this way that we pay no attention to what the body is feeling without this input from the mind. As a habit, our body obeys our mind, not the other way around.
For example, what are you feeling in the little toe of your left foot?
Can you distinguish the sensation in each one of your toes? It’s not that easy, because our mind has never paid attention to it before.
Quick exercise: Close your eyes and try to discern the shape of your hand by feeling the electrical impulses on the skin and the gentle blood flow in the veins. If you are able to discern only the index finger or just the thumb, then become more sensitive to what you are feeling until you can feel your entire hand. Within two to five minutes you will feel your heartbeat and its rhythm pulsating through your hands. It has always been there.
Repeating this exercise with our entire body can help us develop a full-body awareness. In my experience, this is a very powerful way of connecting with ourselves.
The only thing you have to watch out for is what you think about those sensations. For instance, if you find a source of pain, you might hear your own voice say, “Here is that bothersome pain again. What do I do with it?”
If you hear negative self-talk such as this, it is okay. Listen to it calmly.
This self-talk points us to the next stage of connecting with ourselves, which is listening.
3. Hear what you hear.
Whose voice do we hear when we talk to ourselves? It’s our own voice, or at least how we want ourselves to sound, right? The person who speaks inside our mind is the “I,” and the person who listens is “myself.”
Boy, do they love to talk!
The “I” is always telling “myself” things to do, and things to avoid. Even if we go on a solitary hike on a mountain to spend some time in nature, we can still hear the “I” talking.
But why are there two of us? Commonsense dictates that there should only be one, right?
Of course there is only one individual, and we can all experience it this way.
Quick exercise: Close your eyes, and pay close attention to whatever sounds there may be around you. For thirty seconds, listen to every detail you can hear. Then open your eyes.
While you were listening, was there an “I” talking to a “myself”? Or was there only the experience of listening?
When you were having that experience, there was no division between “I” and “myself.” They were one! That state of pure listening, feeling, or hearing is the state of connection.
When we are fully connected, we become whole.
What happens when we find the connection?
When we are connected, it is possible to know our pleasures, desires, fears, ambitions, and anxieties for what they actually are. We perceive them with clarity and without any internal conflict.
For example, if fear arises, we notice a few things about it.
1. We realize that there is nothing dangerous actually taking place, except in our minds.
2. That our heart rate changes, and muscles tense up as the fearful thought arises.
3. That the “I” is talking to us and telling us to be afraid.
Knowing these things, we are already one step ahead of fear. The next time it arises, we can predict its pattern. Without worrying or overthinking, now we can solve the real problem at hand, if one exists at all!
When we are connected, our instincts also become stronger, and we understand what is right and wrong for us. We can make big decisions easily and have no regrets later.
Four years ago, I had a persistent feeling that I should adopt a dog. Despite having no experience raising a puppy, my instincts kept telling me I needed to do it. My parents and a few of my friends advised against it. They said, “You don’t know what you’re doing. You will end up returning the poor animal the very next day.”
This time, I listened to myself. I went through the learning curve that comes with taking care of a furry friend but never regretted my decision. Today, our life is unthinkable without our dog, and I am a much better person because of him.
A strong connection is sometimes all we need, and in some cases, all we have, to keep us sane in this evolving world.
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If You Always Date People Who Aren’t Good for You, Read On
“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~Stephen Covey
Just a few short years ago, I sat across the table from a lovely man on a first date. It had taken a couple months to get there due to our busy schedules, but it seemed to be worth it. He was easy to talk to and seemed like a great guy.
During the course of the evening, we discussed what we were looking for and he told me that he was still married, but his divorce would be final in a few days. While I was disappointed to hear this, I rationalized it. I told myself that at least he was honest about it, and besides, he was almost divorced.
The divorce took place just as he said, and I decided to continue seeing him. What followed was a yearlong very painful, but sometimes fun relationship.
It was on again, off again, and never quite came together. He would decide that he really cared for me and tell me so with tearful declarations, then back away. The last time he ended it was via text message.
Unfortunately, I hear similar stories all the time. The common theme is: two people meet and feel instant attraction but hear alarm bells or see red flags. They decide to continue to date anyway because the feelings are there.
There’s a whirlwind romance for a few weeks or months after which things end painfully. Then he or she is heartbroken and ready to lose faith in love.
This breaks my heart because it’s so very avoidable. We need to remember that we have choices, even when it comes to love. When we take responsibility for our lives we give ourselves the power to create the things we want.
We tend to think that matters of the heart are outside our realm of influence, but I disagree. If we would only take our love lives into our own hands instead of leaving things to chance and bemoaning the results, we could have the love we so long for.
It really is up to each of us to create the best lives possible for ourselves, and we must step up. The best way to do this in your love life is to start dating smarter.
A lot of us believe that we can’t choose who we’re attracted to, that we must go with either our hearts or our heads. We tend to think we must choose passion and accept the pain that comes with it, or settle for people who bore us but are good to us.
I used to think this way, but what I’ve found is that it’s possible to adjust one’s preferences over time. With a bit of persistence, we can train ourselves to want what is good for us and to make better, healthier choices.
You can make a commitment to yourself and the life you want to live. You can then make choices that are consistent with the commitments you make.
You already do this in other areas of your life. You know that you can make healthy food choices to help you stay in shape and live a long life. You go to the gym for the same reason. You head off to work or school even when you don’t feel like it because you enjoy the benefits that come from these actions.
You can choose to date smarter by dating only those people who are capable of having a healthy relationship with you.
Many of us feel that we can’t stop ourselves from ending up with people who hurt us over and over again. We long to make better choices, but just can’t seem to feel anything for potential partners who would be good for us.
Most of us live inside our comfort zones, and unfortunately, having unfulfilling romantic relationships may be part of the life you’re used to living.
If you always end up dating people who mistreat you, abandon you, or are emotionally unavailable, consider the possibility that this may be happening because of a pattern you’ve developed.
Once you’re able to see a pattern, you can decide whether or not it works for you and commit to changing it if necessary. You can choose to take your love life into your own hands by developing patterns and habits that will result in your ultimate happiness.
We formed many of our patterns early in life as an attempt to have our needs met by our primary caregivers, usually our parents. This makes sense because we learn how to interact in the world from them before anyone else.
When I uncovered my own patterns, I found that I believed that it was best to meet my own needs as much as possible. I was terrified to count on anyone else or ask for anything because of the way in which I grew up. I thought that no one would want to be with me if they were to discover that I was not perfect.
I hid parts of myself I thought others wouldn’t like and didn’t date very often. When I did, I chose men who didn’t want to get close enough to see me. In this way, I kept myself safe, even though it meant being excruciatingly lonely for many years.
Have you developed patterns and habits that are keeping you alone? If so, it’s never too late to trade them in for some new ones.
Consider making new choices about who is allowed to be part of your life. Some examples include; ending relationships with anyone who is toxic to you, only spending time with people who treat you well, and dating only those who are emotionally available.
It will take some time to get used to this new way of dating, but it is possible to teach yourself to appreciate partners who treat you well. Start by giving them a chance.
Instead of prioritizing looks, job descriptions, and finances, how about placing more importance on emotional availability and kindness? If someone is excited about you or indicates that they are interested in a relationship, why not see where it goes instead of categorizing them as “desperate”?
Try spending time with different types of people, especially if you tend to go for one “type” all the time. You may not feel instant chemistry, but over time you’ll become accustomed to being treated well. Once you do this for a while, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in the people you used to date.
If all the people who are good to you aren’t your “type” then you need a new type. These things can be changed, just like habits. It may not be easy to change, but it is possible if you act consistently over time.
This is a much better strategy than giving up on love or waiting for the person who treats you poorly or dumped you to realize what he or she lost. Spoiler alert—they won’t. They may return, but you’re likely get more of the same or worse.
As for me, I was finally able to see that I was pushing away perfectly wonderful men because they seemed too excited about me. It wasn’t long after that last text message from Mr. On-again-off-again that I met the wonderful man who became my husband.
I was able to welcome him into my life and let him love me, and it was fun, easy, and drama-free. There was not a single red flag to be found.
I saw that things can happen very quickly with the right person when your hearts are both open and you know what you want. It really doesn’t have to take very long or be difficult.
You have what it takes to have a wonderful relationship if you want one. If you will commit to the life you want to have and then take actions that are consistent with your commitment, you’ll be well on your way.
You don’t have to be a slave to your emotions or settle for whatever life hands you. True and lasting love is almost inevitable if you will take action on your own behalf.
Start right now by taking responsibility for your love life and dating smarter. Your future happily in love self will thank you.
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6 Things My Heroes Taught Me About Overcoming Hard Times
“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” ~Christopher Reeve
It all happened so suddenly that it felt just like a flash flood. One minute the road was clear and drivable, and the next it was a raging river. Before I knew what happened, my life went from being only slightly a mess to being a complete mess, my car teetering on the edge of the water, ready to go for a swim at any minute.
I had left a job I liked and found a job I thought I would love, but didn’t end up loving at all.
I had hurt a good friend who was extremely important to me, and is now out of my life for the most part.
I felt like a financial mess from constantly playing catch up and living paycheck to paycheck, and I was going to have to move out of an apartment and town I really loved.
It’s funny how when even just one thing is going great, all the other things that aren’t going so hot are manageable. But if nothing is okay, then everything seems insurmountable and completely overwhelming.
Faced with more doom and gloom than I could stand, I wanted to melt into my bed and never get back up. And honestly, for a few days I did.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what was going on. I didn’t want to admit defeat or ask for help. Even my very best friends only knew bits and pieces of what was going on inside my head. And honestly, the one person I would have bared my soul to, the person who I always ran to with stuff like this, was no longer speaking to me.
So now what? I realized that if I didn’t want to talk to the people who inspired me most, I could still apply what I had learned from them. They had taught me so much over the years through their advice, and their example, that through them, I found my way.
1. You can cry for five minutes and then you have to put your big girl pants on and deal with it.
One of my best friends, and someone whose strength I really admire, taught me that life isn’t going to wait for you to have a pity party; it’s going to go on without you.
She always says to her kids and friends, “Where does crying get you? Nowhere.” So, while it’s okay to cry a little and allow yourself some much-needed time to wallow, eventually that has to end.
Spend a weekend in bed with some feel-good movies and junk food, journal your feelings, take a long hot bath, cry and scream into your pillow, and indulge in some self-care and pampering. But don’t get stuck there. It is so easy to get stuck there.
Give yourself a cut off time to pull it together and start to figure out how you are going to get through this bump in the road. Becoming a blubbering mess isn’t an option, as tempting as it is.
2. Laughter is the best medicine.
You have to have a sense of humor about your situation. Laughter can bring down blood pressure and relieve stress. You’d be doing yourself and your health a favor to find some humor each day in the ridiculousness that you are going through. There’s even something called laughter yoga, which in and of itself is funny, but honestly, they are on to something. Have you ever felt bad after a good laugh?
If you’re so miserable you can’t think of anything funny, don’t go it alone. Hang out with a friend who can usually make you laugh, or call someone who does the same. I usually call my mom because she inspired this advice, and every time we talk about the crazy stuff going on in our lives, we always end up laughing about it.
3. What you did before won’t work now if you want a different outcome.
These next three pearls of wisdom, about taking action and setting goals, come from a mentor and dear friend who’s advised me over the years.
You have cried, you have laughed, and now it’s time to think about how you got here.
True, some situations are completely unavoidable, and life can deal us some horrible blows we could not have anticipated. However, if you contributed to your current situation, even in the smallest way, you have to reflect on what got you there.
That shouldn’t take long—it should be glaringly obvious where you went wrong—but the key here is to actually change that behavior. That’s the hard part, and honestly, something that has to be continuously worked on.
I eventually realized that I needed to change my impulsive decision making after it caused me to lose a relationship that was very dear to me, among other things. Consciously making the decision to work on it daily, and seeing the change that choice has made in my life gave me back a sense of pride, and makes the sting of that mistake more bearable.
However, it’s easy to do this while in the midst of dealing with the fallout of a miscalculation or mistake. You think, man I’ll never do that again, what was I thinking? I’m going to change! But then when all is right with the world and these troubles are a distant memory, you can slip back into old habits.
Unless you make a commitment to stay aware and work daily to change, and stay changed for the better, you will find yourself back here again, and again, and again.
4. A plan is only good if it is actionable, and you take action.
As you start to feel better, you will want to come up with a plan. It’s amazing how empowering it is to tackle the problem head on and figure out what outcome you want and what you need to do to get there. But is it realistic? Is it something that will make your current situation and your future better?
Here’s a tip: It shouldn’t be the first plan you think of. Usually that one is the easiest, “the quick solve,” and it won’t get you where you want to be in the long run. You have to think long and hard about what you really want, how you feasibly can get there, and if it is doable at this time with the resources you have.
Make sure your working toward what you want every day, and tweaking as you go if it starts to look like you aren’t making any headway. Checking in with yourself and staying grounded will help you stick to the plan and see success.
Usually when I make a plan I think a lot about what I want, not necessarily what I need. I decided to keep my head out of the clouds this time, and made a more realistic plan then I usually would have.
I had to accept some unwelcome changes (moving, new financial situation, loss), but knew those things were necessary to be successful this time around. In the process I found a new career I love, and am on my way to overcoming months of remorse over past situations.
5. Suck it up and do what you have to do to get where you want to be.
A few years ago, the good friend and mentor I mentioned earlier suggested that, to catch up on bills and get out from behind my current financial situation, I should give up my car. That way I would save money by not having a monthly car or insurance payment. After a few months of saving and catching up I could buy a used car outright. She suggested taking the bus and getting rides from friends when needed in the meantime.
Aghast, I told her there was no way I could do that.
“Why not? Because it would be too hard?” she had pointedly asked.
I just told her I wasn’t willing to give up my car, and instead, decided on a quick solve that fixed the problem for the moment, but not in the long run. I never got to exactly where I wanted to be financially.
Now looking back, I see the wisdom in what she was suggesting. Sometimes we need to make a sacrifice and do something unpleasant to get to a better future.
Nothing worthwhile comes by walking an easy, breezy path, and it shouldn’t. I thought about this a lot when recently deciding to move somewhere much cheaper so I could save money and catch up. Sure, it wasn’t what I wanted to do, but it was necessary to get on the right track.
It can be really hard to decide to bite the bullet and do something difficult that you really don’t want to do, but once you’re through it on the other side you will be glad, and proud, that you did.
6. Keep believing that the best is yet to come.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how wrong things have gone, there’s always potential for a better tomorrow. It’s not going to stay this way forever; it can’t. Don’t get so bogged down in the misery of today that you forget to get excited for the future, and what you’re doing to make it a good one.
A close friend and soul sister of mine had a bumper sticker that read: Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen. She helps remind me that you have to keep the hope inside you alive, because nothing is so far gone that it cant be fixed, or grow into something new and better. In the meantime, life is passing you by.
Find some good in your day and appreciate it in between all the wallowing, planning, and doing. You don’t want to miss out on months of your life because something bad happened and now that has become your entire focus.
It could even be something as small as a walk with your dog, or the smell of fresh air blowing in through your window. Every day has something to enjoy, even for a moment, before we get back to going hard after our goals.
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We Can Make the World a Better Place, One Interaction at a Time
“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” ~Marcus Aurelius
Now more than ever, the world needs good people.
While driving home from a job interview the other day, I listened to Joe Rogan talking about how he treats strangers who act mean or hostile to him, for apparently no reason at all.
His modus operandi is essentially, “Let it go. You never know what kind of day the other person is having.”
This resonated with me exceptionally well. It’s one of the big things I’ve been focusing on in the latter half of 2017—being nice to people no matter what the scenario.
I consider myself an above average kind person. I’m always appreciative and friendly with servers at restaurants. I thank the pilot every time I walk off a flight (after all, for a few brief hours he is 100% in control of my life). And, I smile when greeted by a stranger.
But, I am beautifully flawed much like the rest. Occasionally, emotions get the best of me. When my ego gets offended, instead of acting with love and kindness, my gut reaction turns to anger and “how dare he!”
I’ve practiced being a good human being for as long as I can remember. Now, I’m determined to keep that persona, regardless of the situation.
My Dance with the Devil
A few short weeks ago, I just so happened to be in a scenario that tested my new philosophy.
It may shock you when I say that I was driving a vehicle when this happened. Road rage is so uncommon these days, right?
Anyways, my fiancé and I had just pulled into the parking lot of the Target a few minutes down the road. We were in a hurry to travel to her parents’ place in the mountains, kicking off a relaxing weekend away from home.
The plan was to drop her off at the front then park the car. We were just stopping in for coffee and a few little things for our journey.
As I pulled up to the pedestrian crosswalk, the mega-sized truck in front of me slammed on its brakes, forcing me to do the same.
Instinctively, I threw my right arm in front of my fiancé while simultaneously blurting out an expletive. In the blink of an eye, my anxiety went from a one to an eight.
I looked around to find the cause for his sudden stop, but I saw nothing. No pedestrians. No other cars (besides me). No stray animals.
As the truck turned left and the driver came into clear view, I did something that immediately made me feel like a bad person: I flipped him the middle finger.
Making the World a Better Place, One Interaction at a Time
With all the hate, corruption, violence, and bullying that goes on in the world, why add more fuel to the fire?
Did I really need to flick that guy driving the truck off? I mean, what if he had just gotten a phone call that shook his world? My ignorant act of hatred might be the exact opposite of what that guy needed in that moment.
As Joe Rogan and many other individuals wiser than me would say, you never really know what kind of day that person is having.
I felt terrible for doing it. I still feel bad about it, but I know I need to move on. In quite literally a millisecond of weakness, I slipped up.
We all have egos that demand people treat us with respect. When the ego gets bruised, it’s extremely important to take a brief moment to decide how you want to respond instead of reacting impulsively.
The world doesn’t need more hate. It needs more love, compassion, and kindness.
If the other person was mean to you, it’s not a reflection of who you are as a human being; it’s likely something going on in their life. That person might be the happiest, most loving individual on the planet and could just be having the worst day ever.
By choosing to respond with kindness, you make the world a better place. Maybe that person realizes the error of his ways. Maybe he doesn’t. It really doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you took on an act of unkindness and refused to give it more power.
You want to improve the world we live in? Don’t focus on solving world peace, global hunger, or stopping corrupt politicians. Instead, focus on the day to day interactions you have with everyone around you.
Just imagine if all the rest of us would do the same.
How I Started Being Better
Being someone who responds to hate in a loving way is by no means a simple task. Your ego will want to defend itself, and you will find yourself reacting poorly, like I did.
There were a few things I started doing that helped make me a better person, but one thing stood above them all. Practicing mindfulness, primarily through meditation, was the game-changer for me.
Mindfulness gives you the extra “pause” you need in your life to properly defuse those tricky situations.
It’s not really something that can be explained, but you’ll know what I’m talking about when you begin your own practice.
My experience with meditation has always been a rollercoaster, practicing consistently at times and falling off the wagon at others. But now, I’ve made it a point to meditate every day.
Among plenty of other benefits, it makes me a better person, and that’s something I’ll never take for granted again.
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40 Ways to Create Peace of Mind
“Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it.” ~Brian Tracy
There was a time when I thought peace was a destination, in much the same way I imagined I’d eventually arrive at happiness or success.
It seemed like something I needed to chase or find—definitely not something I could experience without dramatically changing my life.
I needed to work less, relax more, and generally revamp my circumstances and relationships in order to be a peaceful person.
Despite seeing peace as an endpoint, I also saw it as something passive; after all, that’s why I was so stressed: I had so much to do.
I’ve since realized that peace is always available, and like any desirable state of mind, it requires effort, even if that effort entails consciously choosing to be still.
Sure, our circumstances affect our mental state, but they don’t have to control them, not if we make tiny choices for our well-being.
Admittedly, it’s not easy to choose peace when we’re going through tough times. I still go through periods when I get caught up in worries and stresses, and it can feel like that’s the only available response to things that have happened.
But it’s not. There are countless things we can do to create peace of mind, both in response to events in our lives, and proactively, everyday.
If you’d also like to develop a greater sense of peace, you may find these suggestions helpful: (more…)
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Why We Feel the Need to Explain Ourselves and Justify Our Choices
“You are responsible for your intention, not your reception.” ~Amy E. Smith
I’ve realized that I put a lot of energy into trying to explain my decisions. Sometimes those explanations are an honest attempt to connect with another person or to step a little further out of hiding. Often, they are a result of my own self-doubt and desire for people to like me.
For example, I feel an obligation to say yes to any invitation or request I receive. Sometimes I’m glad to agree, other times I’d prefer to do something else. It gets tricky when the thing I’d prefer to do seems unimportant.
Wanting a quiet night at home doesn’t seem like a valid reason to decline an invitation to go out. So I come up with all the reasons I can’t go—I’m exhausted and maybe feeling a little sick and I have a lot I need to get done the next day and… and… and…
For some reason, “because someone asked” is a sufficient reason to say yes, but in order to say no I feel I have to prove that I have an abundance of important and inescapable circumstances getting in the way.
Recently I had a conversation that prompted me to think more deeply about when, how, and why I choose to explain myself to others. I was explaining my choice, but for very different reasons.
I had decided to step down from leading a discussion group and agreed to meet with the woman who would have to find my replacement. I didn’t have to explain why I was leaving. I could have given a generic reason or declined to give any reason at all.
Instead, I chose to offer a fuller explanation. I was quitting because I felt like I had to hide part of myself in order to meet the expectations of the role. I didn’t want to keep hiding who I was and, for me, an important piece of being more visible was offering an honest explanation of why I was leaving.
In this instance, explaining wasn’t about caretaking her feelings or making sure she would still like me. It was about saying what I really thought and felt instead of letting her continue to think I was who she imagined me to be. Even if she didn’t understand or was disappointed in me, I wanted to be seen.
We offer (or don’t) an explanation of our choices for a variety of reasons. We can be motivated by fear, guilt, or self-doubt. We can also be honoring ourselves and others.
There isn’t a straightforward answer to the question of how much to explain and when. While there may be some truth to the idea that we don’t owe anyone an explanation, there are still plenty of situations when explaining is the right choice for us.
Becoming more aware of the reasons behind my urge to explain myself helps me make better choices about how much to share. Here are some motivations I’ve noticed. What would you add?
We’re trying to control the other person’s response.
It’s uncomfortable to be around someone who is angry or hurt or disappointed. If we’re giving someone information we fear they won’t like, it’s tempting to pile on explanations. We believe if we can give a compelling enough reason for our choice, we can ensure the other person will see things our way.
If we have a good enough excuse for declining their invitation, then maybe they won’t take it personally and be hurt. If we have enough solid reasons for our choice, maybe they won’t be mad that we didn’t follow their advice.
Maybe if we can make them understand, then they will still like us.
We’re trying to ease our own feeling of guilt.
Choosing something another person might not like can prompt feelings of guilt in us. When we feel guilty about our decision, we often turn to explanations and excuses to convince the other person and ourselves that we have a very good reason for choosing the way we did.
Many of us believe, whether we realize it or not, that other people’s wants, needs, and feelings are more important than our own. We believe saying no or declining an invitation is selfish or rude. We think that in order to be kind, generous, and likable we have to be unfailingly agreeable and accommodating.
We’re insecure about our own choices and want the other person to validate our decision.
No matter what we decide, there will likely be someone who doesn’t agree with our decision. It doesn’t matter if the choice is around career, education, parenting, wardrobe, reading material, cleaning supplies, diet, or paint color. While it doesn’t feel great to have people disagree with us, we’re less impacted by their opinion if we are confident about our own choices.
On the other hand, if we are unsure about our decision, we often look to others for reassurance. We over-explain in the hope that the other person will understand and come around to our point of view. Often, it’s not really about the other person changing their mind as much as it is about needing external approval for our own choices.
We want to foster a closer, more open connection with the other person.
Sometimes we choose to honestly share what’s going on for us with the people we care about most. We take the time to be clear about our reasons and intentions in order to increase depth and authenticity in our relationship.
In this instance, we are not as concerned about making someone see things our way. We’re trusting them to support us whether they agree with our decision or not. Our explanation is not a form of persuasion or manipulation but a sign of respect and a chance for the other person to get to know us better.
We have been hiding.
Some of us have a habit of staying silent in order to not disrupt others’ good opinion of us. If we stay quiet, others will often fill in the blanks about who we are with their idea of who they think we should be. It can feel safer to let them think they know us—they might not like us if we share more of who we really are.
But there are times when the divide between who we are and how others see us becomes too great and we’re no longer content to stay hidden. We may be tired of feeling disconnected and unseen or want to practice more visibility and integrity.
As we take steps toward greater visibility, people may pushback against the change. We might try to explain for one of the reasons above—to try to ensure they’ll understand and still like us. We might, instead, decide to be open and honest about who we are and where we are, whether or not anyone else understands.
So how do we know when and how much to explain? Every situation is different and there’s not an answer that’s always right. Taking a closer look at the reasons behind my urge to explain is key but identifying our real intentions can be a challenge. The following questions can help us explore our motivations from a few different angles.
How will I respond if they don’t like my explanation?
How we are impacted by the possibility of an unfavorable response can give us a clue about our motivations for explaining. Imagine the other person disagreeing with your explanation. What will you do?
Will you rush to explain again, more thoroughly and clearly? Will you feel guilty and change your mind? Will you be proud of yourself for being honest whether or not you would be understood?
As a note, the emotions you experience about their response don’t necessarily indicate that what you chose is right or wrong. You can feel sad, frustrated, or hurt by the other person’s response while also feeling proud of your decision and the way you handled yourself.
What does it mean about me if they don’t agree with my decision?
This is where we can gain insight into some of our biggest fears. If we believe their disagreement means something bad about us, we might feel compelled to explain why they should see things our way—even if it means exaggerating or only telling part of the truth.
If, on the other hand, we can see that their disagreement doesn’t necessarily indicate whether our decision was right or wrong, then we can be more confident that any explanations we choose to give are motivated by connection or respect.
What do I hope my explanation will accomplish?
Whether you’re hoping for deeper connection and understanding, to avoid something you don’t want to do, or to win approval, getting clear about your goal will help you understand your reason for explaining.
Are you looking for reassurance about your decision? Do you need to step into greater visibility? Are you trying to decline an invitation without hurting anyone’s feelings?
Try to look below the surface answer. For example, if you hope your explanation will change someone’s mind, asking yourself why that’s important to you may reveal another motivation.
What if the situation were reversed?
How would you feel if the person you invited assumed they needed to make up lots of excuses to keep you from getting upset with them for declining? What if someone was hiding their opinions and preferences and needs in deference to yours? What if they depended on you to validate their ideas when they couldn’t trust themselves?
We tend to hold ourselves to a different standard. Switching roles can help shake up our assumptions and give us an opportunity to treat others as we would like to be treated.
So what do we do?
Explaining doesn’t come with a set of rules, but here are a few thoughts that are helping me make choices about when and how to explain.
Get clear about your intention. Why do you really want to explain? Who do you want to be in this situation? Remember, you don’t have to agree to be kind.
Keep it simple. Longer explanations don’t necessarily bring greater understanding. What is the most important thing you want the other person to know?
“Thanks so much for thinking of me! I won’t be joining you this time, but I hope you have lots of fun.” Isn’t that way simpler (and kinder) than a string of excuses or agreeing with resentment?
This takes practice. Our explanation habits won’t change overnight. Take the time you need to get clear on your intentions and think through how you really want to respond. It’s ok to let the other person know you’ll need to get back to them later.
You likely won’t get your explanation just right every time—I don’t think any of us do. Be gentle with yourself. See what you can learn for next time and keep practicing. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect.
I’d love to know, what are the main reasons you explain your choices? What helps you offer explanations out of respect (for self or others) instead of fear? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
