Tag: wisdom
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How to Keep Going When Your Dream Seems Far Off
“Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.” ~Oprah Winfrey
I needed a bit of extra cash last month, so I took on a temporary events role working at a local design exhibition.
I’ve worked in events before, so I didn’t think much about it.
I just knew that I needed some money, I liked doing events, and a short contract had presented itself.
It seemed perfect!
So off I went to my first shift, feeling pretty good about myself and about life.
The first event was at a studio in a deserted industrial park. Even at 5:30pm, when it was still light, I felt uncomfortable walking the ten minutes from the bus stop.
When I got there, I quickly realized that the role wasn’t going to be as fun as I thought it would be: standing shivering outside in the cold, wearing an exhibition t-shirt, registering attendees, most of whom weren’t on the guest list but were expecting to be on the list.
So they got shirty.
And the line up grew longer.
So they got even more shirty.
Two hours later, and I was starting to wonder why I’d taken on the role. (And don’t get me wrong—I know there are worse jobs, and that I’d signed up for it myself. I’m not looking for pity.)
I started talking to the other girls who were working there. They were students, and it turns out they were a lot younger than me—nineteen and twenty-four. (I’m thirty-five.)
Now, I know that age doesn’t make a difference, and I’m generally pretty comfortable with my age. (Getting older is better than the alternative!) But in that moment, I felt pretty crappy.
So as I stood in the cold, with two girls ten to fifteen years younger than me, working for a near minimum wage job, I started to feel down.
I started feeling sorry for myself.
And at the end of the night, as I waited for the bus in the cold, dark bus depot, feeling pretty low, I texted a friend who I knew would understand.
My text read:
“What the hell am I doing?! I’m thirty-five years old, and I just worked a minimum wage job in a dodgy part of town, with a nineteen year old, and now I’m waiting for the hour-long bus journey to take me home.
My other friends are doctors or lawyers, own houses, and drive their (nice) cars to their places of work.
Ever feel like you’ve missed the boat somewhere?!”
My friend was sympathetic (she’s temping and traveling around Europe while most of her peers are buying houses, having kids, and generally “doing very well.”)
And then she said something that really stuck with me. Something that brought it all home:
She simply said:
“Think of your long-term vision.”
This is how she explained it to me:
“Yes, you’re doing a minimum wage role (temporarily). And yes, you’re working with people much younger than you. And taking the bus to work.
But you’re doing all this for a reason.
You’re doing this so you can set up your business. You’re doing this so you can create a new life for yourself—a life to really be proud of.
You’re doing this for the end goal.
So yes, it is sucky right now. But think of your long-term vision.”
I couldn’t have asked for a better reminder.
Because that was exactly it: I was working the job to earn extra money while I set up a business I’m passionate about.
I was temporarily in a murky patch so I could get to a better place in the future.
And I had forgotten my long-term vision. I had gotten caught up in the short-term
And this is so easy to do.
So I’d like to share my experience with you, to remind you of this powerful idea: Keep your long-term perspective in mind.
Don’t get caught up in what is happening now, only.
Think of the bigger picture: your big plans, your long-term goals.
If you’re setting up your business and feel like you’re not getting anywhere, think of the long-term vision.
You might not get anywhere in the first few months, but what about the next year or two? How far could you get if you kept going and putting in the effort?
If you’re working two jobs in order to go traveling after grad school, keep that vision in mind.
Think of setting off on that plane with your passport in hand, sipping an espresso in a village in Italy, or seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time.
Keep your long-term vision in mind.
If you’re writing a book and you’ve rewritten the first chapter ten times, think of your long-term vision: being an author.
Picture having your first book published and seeing it on sale in your local bookstore.
If you’re training for a half marathon and you busted your knee running, rest up, and think of your long-term goal: crossing that finish line.
Don’t worry about the things happening now. The crappy jobs you take… the revisions you’re making… the demo tapes you’re sending off with no replies… the manuscript rejections. These are all temporary.
But the long-term, if you keep taking action and putting one foot in front of the other, could be very different.
If you let it.
If you keep going.
If you keep your goal in mind, and keep it clear.
See, I had forgotten my reason for taking on this temporary events role.
It wasn’t to work in the cold while annoyed guests took their impatience out on me.
(Funnily enough!)
It was to earn money so I can keep working on my business.
To keep afloat while I follow my dream—my passion.
Something that makes me feel excited and proud and hopeful and exhilarated.
But, hang on, I know what you’re thinking:
Sounds easy, but how do you do it in practice?
How do you focus on the long-term, while you’re dealing with the difficulties of the short-term?
So here’s how I did it. I hope these points are helpful for you too:
1. Get clear on your goal, and display it somewhere prominent.
Post it on your wall. Set it as your phone backdrop. Make it your computer wallpaper.
Anything. Just make it visible. So you have a reminder, day in, day out, of what you’re working toward.
2. Know how your short-term plans are feeding into your long-term goal.
Get clear on how your actions are contributing to it.
E.g.: I am putting up posters in the rain at eight o’clock at night so that people know about my business and I can eventually help people with my successful and inspiring series of retreats.
I am taking the bus to this business event two hours from my hometown so I can meet people who might be able to help me get a job in my desired industry, or give me tips on how I can make it in this competitive market.
3. Team up with someone doing something similar.
Texting my friend was the best thing I could have done because she understood. She sympathized. I didn’t feel judged, or stupid.
So find someone in a similar situation to you. It doesn’t have to be in person—go online and seek out supportive websites, Facebook groups, whatever it is that helps you realize you’re not alone.
4. Know that everyone goes through this.
The people you see at the top of their game didn’t start there. They sweated, and toiled, and kept going when the end seemed unrealistic, or even impossible at times.
No one promised them they would get to the top. So they used their belief to keep them going.
Think of anyone you admire, in any field…
Did they work hard to get there, or did they have it handed to them magically on a plate? Did they take time to get to where they are now, or did it happen overnight?
5. Appreciate where you are now.
See the positives as well as the negatives. Your blog only has four readers? Great—think of all the mistakes you can make without anyone knowing or making harsh comments!
Working a boring job while you pay your way through school? Then sign up with a friend, and make it fun!
Because—without sounding negative—you will still have issues and problems when you get to where you want to be. They’ll just be different problems and issues. So enjoy the problems you have now.
I might have moaned about my long bus journey home at night, but if I’m traveling for business in the future, there could still be times where my flight is delayed and I’m hailing a cab in the pouring rain at one in the morning.
Appreciate where you are on your journey—it is all important.
So there we go. Five ways to keep going when your short-term reality doesn’t match your long-term vision.
Because we all have to do things we don’t necessarily want to do to get to where we truly want to be.
Most people don’t want to put themselves through this.
They don’t want to go through the tough times, the yucky stuff, to emerge out the other side, stronger and clearer on where they’re headed.
It’s easier to stay in the easy, safe zone.
Do the things you gotta do to get to where you want to be.
Because we only have this one life. So why not live it pursuing the things you love—your big goals and dreams?
Why not go after those dreams and adventures rather than moaning that nothing good ever comes your way? (Hint: it’s because you have to go out and get it.)
And now, over to you:
What are you working on now to fulfill your long-term vision?
What are you going through now, in order to create a brighter future for yourself?
What have you learned along the way?
Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear!
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How I Stopped Chasing Happiness and Started Enjoying My Imperfect Life
“I want to live my life without stress and worries. I don’t need to be rich or famous. I just want to be happy.” ~Unknown
Have you ever set a goal and then become obsessed with it, making it the center of your life and arranging everything else around it? Did you think that only after you achieved your goal would you be totally relaxed and happy?
I’ve done this many times before.
Throughout my life, I’ve measured my happiness by my achievements. I pushed to get good grades in school, then focused on going to a good college, then getting a high-paying job.
However, even after getting all of those things, I was not happy. After attaining them, they felt ordinary, not as extraordinary as I thought they were.
The feeling of achievement was not that awesome after all.
I blamed my achievements for my dissatisfaction—that they were not tremendous enough for me to feel happy. So I thought I had to do more. I found a new goal, and I fell into the trap again.
I always had something to pursue, and I could never feel happy until I achieved everything.
I abandoned other things in my life to pursue them. My excuses always were “I can’t rest right now. I am busy doing [x]. I will do that after I achieve [x]. I will be relaxed and enjoy my life only after [x].”
My [x] constantly changed from one thing to another. And I never let myself rest. I deferred my life to the future. Now was never a good time to enjoy life.
Even when I went out with my husband for a date night, I could never really enjoy my time.
The feeling of guilt was always there to haunt me, to blame me for ditching my work, for being relaxed and lazy. Only when I felt miserable and exhausted did that guilt fade away.
That was when I realized something was not right.
The Problem with Measuring Your Happiness by Your Achievements
In the next couple days, I attempted to stop thinking of how to achieve my goals and paid full attention to how I was feeling. I took time out for myself, just to think about my life.
And it was a painful realization that not only I did not enjoy my life, I missed out so many things in the process.
I Forgot the Ultimate Goal of My Life
Everyone wants to be happy, including me. My ultimate goal is to enjoy my life. But I constantly postponed my happiness while working toward other short-term goals.
I thought I was in charge of my life and my happiness, but I wasn’t. I let those short-term goals control of my life. As a result…
I separated myself from my loved ones.
In my vision of a happy life, I was always there with my family and for my family. But the hard truth was, I was not.
In fact, I turned them down when they showed concern about me. I felt like they didn’t understand my choices.
The whole reason I needed to achieve more was to be with them when they would be happy and proud of me. But that was not what they wanted. They wanted me, not my titles.
Whenever I achieved something, they were happy for seeing me happy, not for anything else.
A part of my happy ending was already with me, but I did not see it.
I hurt my own feelings.
As I was busy chasing the idea of my perfect life, measuring my worth by my achievements, I wasn’t fond of myself
When I did not meet my target, I felt unworthy and I beat myself up.
When I earned something, it wasn’t extraordinary enough to be proud of. I even beat myself up for not trying harder to receive something bigger.
I had a rough relationship with myself. I thought I was never good enough for my own love, or for anyone else’s.
It’s painful believing that you are unloved.
I damaged my health.
Because I was fixated on achieving my goals above all else, I ignored my body when she screamed for rest. I thought I only deserved to rest when I could no longer work, when all of my energy was gone.
If I rested before my energy ran out, I thought I was a loser. A loser would not achieve anything.
I worked my way to exhaustion just to earn myself some rest. I physically drained my immune system until just a simple cold would easily break me.
Learning to Be Happy with My Imperfect Life
We all have the tendency to compare ourselves with others. I grew up believing life is a race, and I tried to be the fastest horse.
Social media has made this worse. We see other successful people and we crave their achievements. We think if we were as successful as they are, as rich as they are, as talented as they are, we would be as happy as they are.
Only this isn’t the case.
The truth is that we are different people, we have different goals and desires, but those are not factors that determine our happiness.
Happiness is not the result of our effort. It cannot be measured by our accomplishments.
Happiness is the direction we choose and the way we live our lives. For some, happiness is to hear your mom’s voice on the phone every day. It may also be hearing all the funny things that happened to your one-year-old niece. Or the look in your husband’s eyes when you spend quality time with him.
Happiness probably can be measured by laughter. Deep down, happiness is love and self-love. It’s realizing how beautiful your life actually is.
Here are few things I have done to discover my happiness.
Meditation
Meditation allows me to catch my breath, slow down, and look at my life with a totally different perspective.
I used to think I could never meditate because I could not sit still and not think of anything. But I started small with eight minutes a day, and I’ve surprised myself.
I finally learned that meditation is not about clearing your mind and thinking of nothing; it is about truly accepting who you are and not letting your wild thoughts control you. It helps me recognize and detach from my thoughts; to let go of all the chaos in my life.
Stay in the moment
After I started practicing meditation, I began to accept the moment more fully. It was not easy at first, as my mind was always wandering around, making up stories about my life. But as soon I surrendered to the present, I began to show up and truly live in the moment.
I no longer try to read a book while having lunch. I no longer think of my work while cooking or taking a shower. Instead, I try to taste the food in every single bite, to listen to different noises I make in the kitchen, to feel the warm water running over my body and let it wash off all of the stress and anxiety.
Needless to say, I have never felt more alive. I now recognize how beautiful and colorful my life is.
Start writing a gratitude journal
I end my day by writing a gratitude journal. It felt silly at first. But writing down all the beautiful things brightens my life and makes me appreciate them even more.
No matter how hard we try, we can never feel positive all the time. Life is brutal sometimes. Still, a gratitude journal helps me to let go of the negativities and feel grateful for the things I have.
Self-love affirmations
I start my day by telling myself how beautiful life is, and how much I love myself. Before I get out of my bed, I smile and tell myself, “Thank you for another wonderful day. I love you.”
When I put my feet on the floor, I thank myself and tell myself “I love you” again. I affirm this fifty times a day, and as a result, I’ve started to believe in myself.
It is eye-opening and life-changing to see how wonderful it is to have another day to live, to feel love and to enjoy life to the fullest.
“Today might not be perfect, but it’s a perfect day to feel happy.” ~Lori Deschene
Happiness is not something to pursue in the future. Happiness is available right now, right where you are. When we stop chasing the shadow of happiness, we begin to recognize that all the things we need to to be happy have been with us all along.
I still set goals to pursue, but I no longer arrange my life around them. I’ve stopped comparing myself with others. I’ve stopped trying to become a person whom I think will be happy someday. And I now realize what truly matters to me.
I put myself in the center and I surrender to my heart, my soul. I let my heart tell me who I really am. I see, hear, smell, and taste like I never have before.
I enjoy all the quality time I have with my husband, I enjoy calling my mom every night just to hear her voice. I enjoy sitting quietly and listen to what my soul has to say.
Even though life has ups and downs, I now know all the emotions are different colors in my happy-ever-after picture. I appreciate that I can still feel them.
And I know my life is not perfect, but today is a perfect time to feel happy.
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How to Move Let Go of the Fear of Judgment and Break the Silence of Shame
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” ~Brené Brown
Every time I think I’ve unloaded most of the pain from my past, something surfaces that tells me I have more work to do.
A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were cuddling one morning. I’m not sure what the trigger was, but out of nowhere, my thoughts rolled down a hill and into a painful memory that I must have blocked out.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as my whole body curled up into the fetal position. He asked me what was wrong and I slowly told him about a sexual trauma I had experienced.
We are radically honest with one another. Sharing the not so beautiful has deepened our connection. I thought I had shared my darkest secrets that carry shame.
I was wrong.
I had minimized and buried this story. Maybe subconsciously, I was afraid he would see this situation as my fault. He absolutely didn’t, and sharing my experience with him made me feel like a heavy burden was lifted.
This last part rang especially true the following week when the #metoo hashtag went viral. It was during that week of teasing through my feelings and thoughts that I realized just how much confusion shame can create.
The word shame can evoke such discomfort that we often don’t see how it shows up in our lives.
If there’s one emotion I see as most prevalent and most hidden in the work I do, it’s shame. Every time I lead a workshop or retreat, there’s a common theme that I witness in nearly everyone. As humans, we all tend to feel in some way that we’re unworthy.
Yet, the last thing we want to do is acknowledge our shame and vulnerability.
But if left buried, shame inevitably causes harm to ourselves and our relationships. In my experience, I’ve seen firsthand how understanding and shedding light on shame can hold the key to healing.
Shame is the emotion that says, “I am bad. I am unworthy.”
It’s not that we did something bad and feel remorseful. That’s guilt. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” But shame is the internalization of “I am bad.”
Most of us, even if we had kind, loving parents, grew up feeling a bit like we had to censor our true feelings and experiences. We may have done this to avoid dismay, protect others, or keep the peace in our families.
We’re conditioned from a young age to feel shame when we learn who we shouldn’t be in the world. But as we get older, we don’t need others to make us feel shame. Shame becomes easily internalized and lives in that voice that says, “It’s dangerous to let others hear my story,” or, “They won’t love me if I share this secret.”
Who we are becomes fragmented so that we hide the parts of ourselves we want no one to see. We unconsciously employ defense mechanisms. While those defense mechanisms might help us to survive, they’re bound to stand in the way of having healthy relationships and growing a sense of self-love.
When we’re afraid to share our vulnerable side because we believe it would render us flawed, dirty, weak, and so forth, we’re carrying shame.
Shame is carried silently and secretly for fear of judgment; yet, it is the self-judgment that grows the longer we conceal our vulnerability.
I refuse to keep painful secrets festering inside of me, as I know that will only keep me repressed and disempowered in the long run.
All humans experience shame, and it presents in many ways. Here are a few examples I’ve noticed within myself that maybe you can relate to:
- Being too sensitive and emotional
- Not doing enough to “save” my mother from her death
- Being too selfish to fully want to be a mother myself
- Feeling I’m not ambitious or smart enough to live up to my potential
- Struggling to communicate clearly when I have too much in my head
- Feeling too “needy” with my partner at times
- Believing I was somehow at fault for the sexual abuses I have experienced
My personal list could go on… But what I noticed when writing this list is that while many of the original sources of shame might be specific people or society as a whole, the critic is still me.
When we keep shame locked away inside, we get stuck in feelings of inadequacy. Shame may cause us to feel mentally or physically ill. Feelings of inadequacy can be accompanied by emotions such as anxiety, anger, and loneliness. And when we feel inadequate, we sometimes develop destructive ways of relating to others: avoidance, lying, blaming others, attempts to control others, and so forth.
So how can we deal with this lurking self-critic that wants to keep our stories in the dark?
1. Speak kindly to yourself.
Most likely, at some point you’ve heard the phrase, “Shame on you,” or, “You should be ashamed.” It can easily become habit to talk similarly to ourselves and challenging to learn to speak kindly.
A simple framework for healing I teach comes from an ancient Hawaiian tradition called H’oponopono. H’oponopono means “to make right,” and it’s rooted in the essence of reconciliation and compassion.
H’oponopono consists of four phrases: I’m sorry. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. You can use these phrases speaking to another person. And you can use them with yourself. Here’s a personal example of the latter:
Melissa, I’m sorry for making you feel the trauma you experienced was your fault.
Melissa, I forgive you for placing blame on yourself and carrying shame all these years.
Melissa, thank you for your courage to shine light on your vulnerability and resilience.
Melissa, I love you and I commit to treating you with lovingkindness.
2. Self-soothe with movement and massage.
Think about what happens to your body when you recall a memory that carries shame. Often our bodies slump sinking our heart into the back body. Our gaze drops and our brows furrow.
Emotions, including shame, reside in the body. Much of what I practice and teach relates to physical ways to release stuck emotion for this reason.
If we want to reduce the unworthy and unlovable feelings we carry, it can help to self-soothe your body through dynamic movement practices like yoga and dance. Self-massage, tapping, and comforting touch while speaking kindly to yourself can help to release shame.
3. Share your story.
The most uncomfortable, but perhaps most effective method I can offer you is to share.
You don’t have to share your vulnerability with the whole world. Many of my friends shared courageous, deeply personal stories on Facebook in response to #metoo. For a moment, I thought I had to share this way as well, but then I did some reflection.
There are times I share my vulnerability through my blog or when I hold space for a group. But I don’t always want to share everything with strangers. In those cases, my partner is my greatest witness because of his ability to hold space for me.
Whether you share in a twelve-step program, with a loved one, or therapist, or in an article for the world to see, there’s immense healing power in this process. When our voices are heard and we’re seen just as we are, we open up the door to growing a new sense of self-love and self-worth.
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Highs and Lows Are Part of Growth and It All Makes Us Stronger
“Just like a muscle needs to tear to grow stronger, sometimes we need to wade into our own darkness to find a brighter light.” ~Lori Deschene
Sometimes we need to journey into the deepest, darkest, scariest, most painful places inside in order to reach the next level.
This is what happened to me earlier this year.
When I was younger, I was in an abusive relationship that created a lot of stories in my head. These stories became beliefs that I carried around for a long time. Beliefs like, “I’m not good enough,” “Relationships are painful,” “I don’t have a say,” “I need someone else to show me I’m worthy,” and “I need to be perfect to receive love” (just to name a few).
As a conscious adult, I’ve done a lot of healing work and spiritual development around this, and am proud of the growth I’ve experienced between where I was then and where I am now. But even still, I have setbacks. We all do.
None of us are immune to the fears and self-doubt that pop up when “life happens.” None of us are safe when the ground we’ve worked so hard to establish gets ripped out from us.
After lots of self-development and work around relationships and love, I recently declared to the Universe that I was no longer afraid of being alone and that I was no longer afraid of being vulnerable and my “true self” in a future relationship. So, the Universe delivered. Big time.
I met someone new. He wasn’t like the other men I’ve dated—men who are safe and stable, and who give me a sense of being in control of the situation. He was uncharted territory for me. Hard to read. Mysterious. Kept me guessing.
He would surprise me with nice gestures like showing up with sunflowers, sending me unexpected notes about how beautiful I am, you know… the works. Not to mention the sex. THE SEX! For the first time, possibly in my whole life, I felt really seen, appreciated, valued and truly beautiful while having sex. There was nothing awkward or uncomfortable or weird or threatening about it. I had met Mr. Perfect… or so I thought.
What I know now that I didn’t recognize then was that this guy was an assignment. The Universe heard me loud and clear when I announced that I was ready to be alone and/or in a vulnerable relationship (which is actually a very confusing declaration to make in the first place, so… no wonder stuff got weird!), and so I was sent this guy—let’s refer to him as Mr. Perfect from here on out—as a test.
Mr. Perfect was an opportunity for me to put into practice all of the things I had learned about myself over the past twenty-five years.
Let’s just say that I failed that test. Miserably.
After an all-out eight-day binge on this guy, we were both like a couple of strung-out addicts, totally manipulative and controlling and hopeless about our futures, but pretending everything was just groovy. We were practically playing house together when we hadn’t even known about the other’s existence just a month earlier.
Somewhere throughout the week with Mr. Perfect, my energy shifted. I went from this high-vibe, loving, independent, strong version of myself, to this weird, controlling, self-conscious, anxious, creepy version of me. I went from Jennifer Aniston status to that chick in Mean Girls who’s obsessed with Regina George way too quickly, and my old limiting beliefs started to take over.
Suddenly, I was operating from that old, abusive relationship version of me.
The version of me who thought that being vulnerable in a relationship meant getting hurt.
The version of me who thought that the guy needs to control everything, and that I am not safe to speak up about what I really want, because you never know how he’s going to react.
The version of me who felt uncomfortable in her own skin, so tried really hard to look pretty, say the right thing, and always do something more in an effort to be noticed.
The version of me who thought that I needed a man to “save me,” or that he was the one answer to all of my problems in life.
You can only race like that for so long until you crash.
And so, eight days of passionate sex, cute notes, sleepless nights, hours of butterflies in my stomach, several dinners, one brunch, way too much tequila, and two bouquets of flowers later, we bottomed out. Both of us.
Mr. Perfect and I took a crash course in “How to Not Date as Intentional, Conscious Human Beings 101.” Our worlds both went spinning—his, with a huge f*ck up at work, likely the result of us spending too much time together; mine, reversing to harmful coping behaviors that used to show up when I was younger.
When I got the text from Mr. Perfect that started with “We need to talk,” I went into a downward spiral of emotion and drama. He wanted to end things. I wanted to die. I literally paced outside my apartment building for three hours trying my very best to not have a heart attack.
I questioned everything. Was any of it real? Did I mean anything to him? How could I screw this up? How could I fix it? I needed to fix it. How could I mess up such a perfect thing?
But suddenly, I had a beautiful recognition. I noticed that there was a shift. In my heart space, I could feel the presence of my Higher Self. The part of me that’s connected to something bigger. The part of me that knows these stories of not being good enough are complete BS.
And just like that, I was no longer living in the stories that were sending me into a near panic attack. I was above that. I knew that I was better than that. That I deserve more. That it wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t do anything wrong. That I was still just as worthy as love and acceptance and beauty as anyone else on this planet.
In that moment, I forgave myself.
I forgave myself for the behavior that caused him to end things.
I forgave myself for the fact that I let it get to the point where we even engaged in an eight-day binge on each other.
And most importantly, I forgave myself for all the negative and self-doubting talk, limiting beliefs, and lame stories I told myself when it happened.
I saw that the stories were keeping me stuck. I saw that they made me revert back to this old version of me that I no longer was. And I saw that I had the awareness and the power now to intentionally choose to believe a different story instead.
I chose to believe that this story was no longer serving me, and that I could rise above it.
That I actually didn’t need a man to “fix” me or to complete me, but that I had actually been doing that work on my own all along.
I decided that I was done with this belief of not being good enough.
I was soooo done.
I decided then and there to stay committed to this path of personal growth and transcendence, because I see now how all of the pain and struggles that I’ve been through actually happened for me, not to me.
All of it was for a reason.
You can do the same. Everything that you’ve been through—every negative thought or limiting belief or fear that you’ve had that’s kept you from what you want the most in life—it’s all within your power to change. If you decide that you deserve it.
Healing is not linear. There will be highs and lows, laughs and tears, moments of total bliss and moments of complete uncertainty and self-doubt. But your Higher Self is there through it all, and S/he wants to see you come out stronger through each and every assignment that the Universe throws your way.
S/he is cheering you on from the sidelines and always there for support as your #1 fan, no matter what crazy stuff comes across your path. And that person, that part of you, needs you to show up to these assignments. To really face the fear head on, to feel the pain, and to move through it.
Because on the other side of fear and pain and struggle and darkness lies your greatness.
Looking back at it now, I don’t think I failed the test the Universe sent me. I think I passed it. Because I chose my Higher Self, I chose self-love, and I chose me.
Maybe that was the lesson all along.
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There Are Some People You Just Can’t Help
“Be there. Be open. Be honest. Be kind. Be willing to listen, understand, accept, support, and forgive. This is what it means to love.” ~Lori Deschene
A few months ago, I was totally freaked out.
I was having a cup of tea with a soul-sister friend, and we were in deep conversation. I was crying.
I was explaining, between hiccupping sobs, about how there was someone in my life who was suffering deeply.
Sitting at the café that day, I said to her, “There is this person in my life that I love so deeply, but he is suffering.”
I told her about all the ways I was connected to this very special person, and told her about how I was committed to helping him.
My friend was empathetically listening, and my story went on and on.
“He’s so depressed. When I’m around him, I just suddenly feel so sad. I feel his pain. It’s so deep. I have tried to share my wisdom with him, to help him evolve out of his depressed rut, but he won’t listen. I know he can make a change, but he just won’t listen to me. It’s like his ears are closed to me. What do I do? How can I help him?”
It was then that my dear friend replied in a way that I will never forget.
She placed her hand on my shoulder, and looked deeply into my eyes.
We sat in silence together for a moment.
Finally, she spoke, with such a gentle tone in her voice. “Anya, your lesson is to learn in this situation is simple, yet difficult. Your lesson is that you cannot help this person. Sometimes, there are people that you just can’t help.”
I gasped. Chills ran down my spine. Her words resonated through every cell of my body.
It was all so simple.
There are people in my life that I just can’t help.
So simple, yet so profound. Why hadn’t I realized this before?
And how had I somehow fallen into the trap of taking on someone else’s burden as my own? Why had I gotten trapped in suffering by trying to “fix” someone who was suffering?
These traps are, unfortunately, all too common for those of us with big open hearts. They are quite common for those of us who are caregivers, lovers, amazing friends, healers, spiritual way showers, and all those who wish to use our lives in service to a higher good.
Since that day at the café, I’ve been thinking a lot about my sweet friend’s advice. And I’ve come to a few insights of my own.
First, in order to be helped, a person must first ask for help. A person must make themselves available, vulnerable, open, and humble.
And this is not easy! It’s not easy to be open. It’s not easy to say, “I don’t know; please help me.”
Second, in order for you to help someone with your words, that person must first resonate with the kind of wisdom you have to share.
As a matter of fact, my depressed friend has a totally different worldview than I do, so it’s no wonder he wasn’t open to my words of advice.
There are a thousand paths and a thousand ways to interpret the world.
My way may not be your way, and your way may not your neighbor’s way. We are often so different in our concepts and language for interpreting this mysterious thing called life.
In short, for a person to want your help, that person must be somewhat already aligned to your philosophical or spiritual worldview.
Further, in order for a person to receive your help, they also must present themselves to you in the most perfect, synchronistic moment.
Indeed, they must be standing before you in the most precise, delicate moment: the moment just before the blossoming, just before the great change occurs. It can be as small as a split second of opening.
Timing is everything.
In that moment of perfect timing, they will be not only ready but hungry for evolution, hungry for growth, hungry for truth, hungry for new ways of seeing the world beyond their limited old perspective!
My dear friend who is suffering does not want to grow in the way I wish he would (consciously evolve out of suffering through spiritual practice)—at least, not at this time.
He is suffering and he does not even want to admit that he is suffering. He believes he can achieve no higher or better state in this lifetime.
Once I realized that there are some people I just can’t help, I felt a tremendous relief. A giant stone lifted from my heart, and I could suddenly breathe again.
I realized that I had unwittingly taken on his suffering as my own, in a misguided attempt to figure out how to “fix” him. I had allowed my natural empathy to become a wound in my own energetic body.
If a person you love is stuck in a place of denial to their own suffering or their own addictions or stuckness, then there is a strong possibility that what you say won’t make a bit of difference.
Denial is an incredibly strong force. And if your worldview differs too much from theirs, then it may not be your place to plant any seeds of wisdom. It may be your place to step back from trying to speak at all.
That’s a tough lesson of love, I know, but if you can remember it, it will save you a lot of heartache.
Indeed, if someone is in denial to their own suffering, then that very denial may very well block them from truly hearing you speak.
So, what do we do in these kinds of situations?
Can we take any action at all?
The answer is yes.
When we deeply love someone and we are invested in them (such as a lover, a friend, a child, or a business partner), what we can do is simply radiate love.
When we are in their presence, we can be as light, happy, and conscious as possible.
This light, this presence, this subtle vibration, will subtly shift their energetic field. And though no words are spoken, they will feel a little bit more peace while they are near us (whether they consciously know it or not).
And we can of course listen to them. When they need to talk, we can listen, and we can offer a hug or a gentle, reassuring smile.
Indeed, sometimes, when we love someone, the best thing we can do is shut the heck up.
The best thing we can do is simply be.
Friends painting by Jerry Weiss
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What to Do If Your Life Story Depresses You or Holds You Back
“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” ~Pema Chodron
Too often we let stories from our past define us. We tell them over and over to ourselves and to others until it becomes our truth. What if, without deviating from actual facts, we choose to tell different stories? What if these new stories could bring us more freedom and strength?
Below are some true facts about my own life. I’ll follow each one with the stories I could be telling myself about each one, followed by the story I choose to go with.
Fact Number One
My father abused my teenage mother when she was pregnant with me and left us when I was just a few days old. I’ve never seen him again.
The stories I could be telling myself now:
Men are bad.
Men can’t be trusted.
The reason I can’t hold on to a relationship is because my father left me.
I’m unwanted.
I’m unlovable.
The true story I choose to go with:
They were young. He felt trapped and scared. His fears drove him to behave very badly. He had his own issues from his own childhood.
It sucks, but it doesn’t define me or shape my views of men or myself.
If I’d held onto the negative self talk or views about men, it could have prevented me from being the happy, loving, loved person I am today.
Fact Number Two
In my tween / teen years my mother worked nights in a factory and I didn’t see her before or after school. There was never a parent attending my school music and sporting events or awards presentations and I found my own way home afterward, often walking back in the dark, freezing cold winters of Minnesota.
I got myself up and to school on time, oversaw my own homework, dinner, and bedtimes, and often that of my younger brother too.
The story I could be telling:
My mother didn’t care about me. She was irresponsible. She put me in danger and neglected my needs.
I have to fend for myself in this world or nobody else will. I need to look out for number one. This is why I’m lonely. This is why I never succeeded. I was handed a bum deal compared to my friends. I could have made more of my life if I’d felt supported and had good guidance at pivotal stages of my youth.
The story I choose to go with:
My mother was doing the best she could with what she had.
Being very independent from a young age taught me responsibility.
I’m truly motivated to be present in the lives of my own children, attending their events, encouraging and offering guidance. The past has made me a better mother.
Fact Number Three
The boyfriend I fell madly in love with in my twenties verbally and physically abused me until I was finally hospitalized with cracked ribs. I gave up my career and possessions in California to move to London to be with him. I knew nobody except his friends.
The stories I could be telling myself now:
History repeats itself. I was abused because my father abused my mother.
I deserved it for being such an idiot.
I’m not worthy of proper love and respect.
Men are all assholes.
The story I choose:
I didn’t know my boyfriend well enough before I moved abroad to be with him. I felt unable to move back to the U.S. as I’d given up my job, home, car and life there. I continued to stay with him for too long out of fear and ignorance.
I’m smarter now. I learned what I don’t want in a relationship and it enabled me to recognize what I do want and to find it. I’m stronger and I know myself now. I love myself. I am worthy.
Do you know anybody who’s been dealt a crappy deck and now tells the first kinds of stories? Do they blame past circumstances for their present life? Do they begrudge the people who have mistreated them?
Which stories from your past do you tell yourself and others over and over? Are these stories helping you or holding you back?
Rewriting the script in your head isn’t easy, especially if you’ve been telling it for a very long time.
Here are some ways to begin to dump the old stories and replace them with new ones.
1. Recognize when you’re telling them and press your mental pause button. Stop giving it fuel.
2. Write down the fact, as I’ve done above, then the story you’re presently telling. Now write a more positive interpretation of it. What good has come out of it? What have you learned? How would it feel if you dropped the old story and told a new one? Explore this on paper and see what it brings up.
3. Use EFT Tapping. Emotional Freedom Technique is effective for bringing your story to the surface, getting real about your feelings, then changing the narrative about it. For deep rooted stuff, work with a qualified EFT practitioner.
4. Practice “loving what is.” Have a notebook handy as you read the book Loving What Is by Bryron Katie. Write your answers to her four powerful questions. It only works when you do the work. This book single-handedly healed my relationship with my mother.
Self-limiting beliefs often stem from stories you’re clinging onto that aren’t serving you. They hold you back from true happiness and success.
Begin to bring a gentle awareness to these stories and see if you can give them new meaning. It isn’t about forgetting your past and making things up. It’s about choosing to tell the truth in a less victimizing and more empowering way.
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The Introvert’s Hate/Hate Relationship With Spontaneity
“The man who is prepared has his battle half fought.” ~Miguel De Cervantes
They say you should live in the present, and “they” form a chorus of voices that is growing in number by the second. Everywhere you turn these days, the message is loud and clear: life is better when you live in the moment.
I get it; I really do. I know that when I hit that flow state, regardless of what I’m immersed in, time passes in a heartbeat and I tend to really enjoy myself.
It’s just that I would prefer it if I could plan those moments of flow some time in advance. I want—no I need—to prepare myself for the event of letting go. I need to be mentally ready so that I may jump into the river and let the current take me.
If I’m not prepared, that river turns out to be less of a serene, meandering brook, and more a surge of cascading torrents that pummel my senses until I’m half-drowned and ready to give up.
This is why I, the introvert, despise spontaneity in all its forms.
The first few weeks of university really tested me. I lived on campus in a dorm where I shared a communal kitchen with eleven other people. It didn’t matter what night of the week it was, there were people heading out to a bar, restaurant, or club.
I’d often get a knock at my bedroom door and an invitation to one of these nightly excursions: “Oh, hey, me, Johnny, and Mike are heading to {insert one of many different venues} for some beers. You wanna join us?”
At this point I’d be searching every corner of my mind for a reasonable excuse, a Get Out Of Jail Free card that would save me the pain of just saying no. I knew that if I did just decline without justification, I’d get the inevitable looks of astonishment as if I were turning down the opportunity of a lifetime.
“It’s Wednesday.” No, that won’t do.
“I’m tired.” Not going to cut it.
“I’ve just sat down to catch up on Friends.” Watch it another time, I’d be told.
I wanted to tell them the truth, but can you imagine what they’d have said? “Oh, thanks for the invite guys, but I’m an introvert and I can’t stand being spontaneous. Maybe another time, assuming you give me seven days notice in writing.”
Instead, I’d often just mumble something incoherent about how I’ve got a paper due the next day, or how I’m just on the phone with my parents. They usually got the message.
I didn’t avoid nights out entirely; I can be quite a social character when I want to be. I just made sure that I was mentally prepared beforehand. I’d agree (with myself in advance) that I was going out on a particular night, and I made sure I spent plenty of time alone in the afternoon or early evening to recharge my batteries for the oncoming festivities.
Eventually, I had a nice little routine going. I’d go out on Monday most weeks, Friday some weeks, Saturday almost every week, and the occasional Thursday. No other nights really got a look-in. And it tended to be the same set of places each time because of certain student promotions or theme nights.
What’s more, my friends knew when I was and was not going to accept their invitations, so they stopped knocking when they knew it was a waste of their time.
Somehow, I had managed to appear fairly sociable and outgoing while avoiding anything unexpected. I had planned my way out of spontaneity.
Structure: An Introvert’s Best Friend
My experiences as a student might not exactly mirror your situation, but as a fellow introvert, I’m sure you can relate to the need for structure and routine in your life.
There are few things less enjoyable for an introvert than being coerced into some random activity at some unplanned time with unfamiliar people. It’s literally our Kryptonite.
We simply cannot handle the unknowns: Where are we going? What is the place like? What will we be doing there? Who else is going? How are we getting there?
Perhaps the uncertainty that scares us most is not knowing when it will end. Social activity drains us, but spontaneous social activity burns through our energy reserves in double-quick time because of how much we have to think, react, and absorb when we’re not mentally ready for it.
If there’s no clear time at which things will draw to a close, we panic, knowing we’ll be utterly spent in the not-too-distant future.
Put some structure in place—primarily in the form of plenty of warning—and we will be able to extract far more enjoyment out of the very same event or activity. When we know it’s coming, we have time to open ourselves up to the possibility of enjoying ourselves. We remove our shackles and move more freely, both physically and mentally.
Be Confident In Your Boundaries
The reason I found those early weeks of university so difficult was because I felt bad saying no to people. I wanted to make friends as much as the next person, and I always had this nagging feeling that my refusal to take part would see me labelled as boring.
Somehow or another it all worked out, but I could have avoided plenty of insecurity had I just understood that putting personal boundaries in place is not a sign of weakness. I did say no to people, and I did it a lot. These days, I’m much more comfortable doing it, and it reduces the anxiety I feel around spontaneity itself.
I know I can turn down anything I don’t feel like doing, and I don’t worry so much about what other people think. I’ve learnt that, actually, most spontaneous people care a lot less about receiving a no from introverts like you or me. Or rather, they get over the rejection quickly because they’re too busy just getting on with whatever spontaneous act it is they are doing.
In these situations, it’s the introverts who tend to overthink everything. You may dwell on the exchange for hours after it happened, considering all of the possible ways you could have handled it better or the consequences of your refusal. The big deal exists almost entirely in your head. So it’s in your head that the battle must be won.
The challenge is to know your boundaries intimately and to build them strong and sturdy so that you are able to confidently say no to offers and invitations that you either have not planned for or do not think you’d enjoy. No is not a dirty word and you shouldn’t be afraid of using it.
Take The Reins Yourself
There is a relatively simple way to avoid spontaneous requests from others: get in there first. You want a plan in place, right? You crave structure in your life. Then create the plan and add the structure yourself.
Don’t wait for your friends to suggest you meet up that night, or the next night for dinner. Suggest a date and a time that feels comfortable for you. A few days time, next week, in a fortnight; it doesn’t matter as long as it gives you enough time to prepare mentally.
And if you know that these events tend to happen naturally every couple of months, keep this in mind and put a note on your calendar to start suggesting dates well in advance. This also has the added benefit of making you seem like the sociable one because you’re doing much of the organizing.
Yes, you may be an introvert, but that doesn’t mean you don’t ever want to see anyone. We introverts can enjoy ourselves as much as anyone else, but having some forewarning will only serve to make the whole process more compatible with your needs and wishes.
