Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • The ABCs of Personal Growth: How to Live a Meaningful, Fulfilling Life

    The ABCs of Personal Growth: How to Live a Meaningful, Fulfilling Life

    “Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark

    Throughout my life, I’ve moved countries, studied a foreign language, changed careers, launched a business, run a half marathon, written a book, faced agonizing loss and grief, won awards, been deeply hurt, created awesome charity campaigns, lived with huge uncertainty and pain, found love and friendships to cherish, and given birth to three miraculous humans.

    Throughout these and plenty more crazy, insane, complex, and utterly beautiful life events, I have collected treasured building blocks that help me live a life of meaning, purpose, and joy every single day.

    I want to share them with you in the hope that throughout your own daily trials and triumphs, you can use these ABCs to help you create a life you love.

    Transformation is not a switch; it’s more like a gauge.

    The beauty is that you don’t have to flip a button and practice and internalize all twenty-six letters instantaneously.

    Like learning anything, start with just one at a time.

    Once you’ve mastered it, add another.

    With consistent repetition, you’ll be fluent, and these personal growth building blocks will lay a magnificent foundation for all your life’s work.

    You are the author. You hold the pen. You get to learn and read and write your own masterpiece, chapter by chapter, line by line, letter by letter.

    You are the hero of your own story.

    So let’s get back to basics: the ABCs of personal growth.

    Acknowledge:

    Knowing your strengths, talents, and abilities is the first step to unleashing your potential and power and creating meaning and lasting transformation. We are all blessed with so many wonderful gifts, but we can’t unwrap and share them with others if we fail to acknowledge what they are. Acknowledge yours today! What are you good at? What do people come to you for help with? What experiences have you gone through, and what have you learned from them?

    Blessings:

    Blessings are all around us. If we choose to look for them, we will certainly find them. What are you grateful for? What makes you smile? What positives do you notice in your life right now? Each day, look for three things to be grateful for. These blessings multiply!

    Control:

    There are so many things in life that we have very little or no control over—what happens to us, what other people say or do. We are not the general managers of the universe. However, we have incredible control over how we choose to respond to every experience we encounter. Our control lies in our attitude and our behavior—our choices. Choose wisely.

    Discipline:

    The master key to success lies in discipline. We are surrounded by enticing temptations and obstacles that deflect us from our goals all the time. Discipline is like a muscle; the more we work on building this skill, the more we develop excellent habits that bring us closer to achieving our biggest success.

    Discipline means asking yourself: What is the very best use of my time right now? And then consistently following through. Small increments every day lead to tidal waves of success—step by step, day by day with consistent discipline and dedication.

    Encouragement:

    We are all fighting battles, and a gentle word that offers hope and support can literally save a dream.

    Are you an encourager or a critic? Do you accentuate problems or encourage solutions and creative thinking? Do you lift people up? Are you inspiring, motivating, and supportive of helping others to get further and reach higher? When we lift others up, we rise. Commit to becoming the most encouraging person you know. The world needs more cheerleaders desperately!

    Focus:

    What would you be doing with your time if you knew you had only six healthy months left to live? Focus all your time, energy, and resources on the things and people that truly matter most to you.

    Vague goals produce vague results. Blurry goals yield blurry outcomes. Take the time to get clear about where you are going and what you’d like to accomplish. Write this down. Then focus. Whatever we focus on grows. Get clear and then laser focus on your most meaningful priorities. Don’t sweat the other stuff. Keep it simple and focus on what you care most about.

    Give:

    Giving to another person and knowing our contribution has had a lasting impact creates true happiness and peace of mind. Anytime you give, you grow; every time you give, you get, whether it’s a kind word, giving charity, volunteering, or connecting to a cause that speaks to you. Your giving has the power to light up the world.

    Ask yourself each morning: How can I give of myself today? How can I show up more fully? How can I be of value and service today? How can I contribute today? What difference can I make today?

    Help:

    Think about the people you look up to, those who already are where you’d most love to be. Ask them how they did it. Reach out to the experts. Spend time with them. Learn from them. Get their help. Use the love and support of family and friends to spark your bravery and courage.

    Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Make a list of where you need a hand and a list of people who could become your greatest helpers on your journey. We’re beings of social interest. Helping is who we are. We thrive when we help.

    Give and get help wherever you can. It’s a showcase of wholehearted and vulnerable living, which makes you real. People like helping real people. We’re all just walking each other home at the end of the day. That’s what it’s all about.

    Inspiration:

    Read, learn, blog, journal, go to classes and talks and lectures that inspire you. Commit to starting and ending your day with inspiration. One minute of inspiration can ignite a passion inside of you that can alter the course of your life forever.

    Get out more, be curious, ask questions, become more open-minded. Inspiration is everywhere. Look for it. Inspiration is what charges us. When we are charged we grow. When we grow, we are happy.

    Joy:

    Choose to become joyful. Appreciate the gift of life. Each moment is precious, and fragile, and denied to many. Laugh and smile, have fun, and lighten up. If you see someone walking around without a smile, offer them one of yours.

    Not feeling like you have joy to share? What lights you up? Do you have a list that you can plug into your week?

    My joy list includes: a delicious cup of coffee, time with the people I love, a great run or workout, reading something magnificent, laughing and watching the sunset, to name but a few. I make sure to do these daily. You’d be amazed how many people love writing and sharing their joy list, but they forget to schedule and do the very things that bring them joy. Create your list and then live it—joyfully.

    Kindness:

    Imagine a world where each person is deeply and truly devoted to kindness. Let’s work on being the kindest spouse, friend, parent, manager, employee, coach, and child we can be. I truly believe that kindness is the only thing that will change and save the world. Tiny acts of kindness create ripples so far and wide, we can’t begin to comprehend just how far they can reach.

    Learn:

    I am known to be a forever student. As I complete one course, I enroll in another. My bedside table has a tower of books and I soak up learning with a desert-like thirst.

    When we learn, we open our minds and discover new possibilities. We can learn to pioneer anything! The sky is the limit. Let’s give ourselves permission to try new things, take risks, and be humble enough to learn from new leaders and teachers.

    Lessons are all around us. Failure can become our greatest teacher. Mistakes can become our greatest mentors. Make sure you spend time with people who know more than you. It’s humbling and awe-inspiring. Write a list of some of the things you’d love to learn this year. Each day, record one new thing you didn’t know before. Watch your horizons expand exponentially!

    Mindfulness Meditation:

    Slow down. Take time to breathe. Mindfulness offers incomparable value to the human spirit, psyche, and body. Dedicate a set time each day to pausing, being truly present, and listening to your soul and inner wisdom.

    The research available on the huge benefits of meditation is mind-blowing. Treat yourself and everyone you love to the gift of meditation. Even a few minutes a day has the power to awaken, elevate, transform, and enhance your life in ways you can’t begin to imagine.

    Neuroscience has evidence today that meditation literally rewires your brain and can change your thinking, habits, and negative beliefs. It’s miraculous and it’s accessible to every one of us. Try it for yourself. Start to live a mindful life of greater peace.

    Never:

    Never give up. Never do a permanent act based on a temporary feeling. Never say, “It’s impossible” when really, it’s just hard. Never listen to naysayers and non-believers. Never push aside a dream that means the world to you because of the time or effort it’s going to take to make it happen.

    If today, “Never” is all you do, it’s more than enough, it’s plenty; in fact, it’s everything.

    Optimism:

    When we are optimistic, failure is merely feedback giving us significant information; hardships are learning experiences that help us grow and build resilience for bigger things; and even the most miserable day always holds the promise that “tomorrow will be better.”

    Today, when faced with adversity, ask yourself: What would an optimist do right now? What would they try? What’s might be possible because of your optimistic outlook? What can you see that you never saw before?

    The optimist sees the sunset and knows that even the most awful days can still end beautifully. The optimist knows that a few steps backward after moving forwards is not a disaster, it’s just a cha-cha, and the optimist knows that the cup is refillable!

    Prioritize:

    Prioritize your life so that your highest value activities take preference. Enhance and refine your time management skills so that you are able to identify what tasks you need to tackle first. Say yes to your priorities and make each day count. When you live this way, there is no regret.

    Complete your highest value activity first so that it’s done. Done is better than perfect. Get the important stuff done before anything else. Always prioritize in writing. It’s not enough to merely think about what matters most to do; grab pen and paper to record and track your priorities so that you can measure and accomplish them every single day. Start today. Plan for tomorrow. Celebrate a life that’s not wasted!

    Quit:

    Originally I was going to share a long list of things to quit—like complaining, making excuses, indulging negative habits, staying in the same place when you’re itching to move, and letting fear and naysayers control your life. Then I realized it’s human nature to do some of these things from time to time. So work on these things, but quit being hard on yourself when you struggle.

    You will never be able to completely stop doing all things that are unhealthy for you, but you can always give yourself credit for trying.

    Release:

    What are you carrying right now that is too heavy? Every day, practice letting go of the things that weigh you down.

    It’s not easy to let go of regret, mistakes, anger, resentment, ego, jealousy, and comparison, but each day offers us abundant opportunity to practice. Try to catch yourself when you’re getting caught up in a story in your head so you can take a few deep breaths, center yourself, and free up your energy for the people and things that bring you peace and purpose.

    Sorry:

    We all need to learn how to apologize to those we’ve hurt, intentionally or unintentionally. And though we all deserve the same in return, we also need to learn to accept an apology we were never given. Then, we can move forward without anger. Forgiveness is a gift both to others and ourselves.

    Let’s decide today to be courageous by apologizing or offering forgiveness.

    Turning the page allows us to move on to the next chapter of the story. We can’t do this if we keep re-reading the one we’re currently stuck on.

    Thank You:

    We all want to be acknowledged for our efforts. “Thank you” is such a simple phrase, yet it means so very much.

    Recognizing what others do for us not only reminds us to be modest and humble, but it opens doors to more deeper and meaningful relationships, enhances our empathy, and improves our psychological and physical health.

    Who can you thank today? Start with one person and extend your appreciation as far and wide as you possibly can.

    Unplug:

    Unplug from technology. Switch off. Spend time with yourself, by yourself. One of the greatest discoveries of self-transformation and personal development is not only getting to know yourself, but getting to like what you find.

    Connect to all your loved ones. Look people in the eye. Listen with all of your senses. We miss out on so much when we are plugged in to devices rather than to hearts.

    Spend time in nature. How can you redesign your day so that you create time outside? Do you take regular breaks? When was your last vacation? When was the last time you admired a flower? Do yourself a favor when you have the time. Take off your shoes and go walk outside barefoot on the grass. Watch the sunset. Play with a ladybug. Stare at the clouds. Just be.

    Voice:

    Speak your truth. Wear your passion. Let people know what you care about. Let people get to know the real, beautiful, one-of-a-kind you and what you stand for.

    You have a unique voice. You have greatness within you. You have something the world needs. That’s why you are here. Use your voice to speak your goals. Use your voice to care. Use your voice to inspire. Use your voice to make positive change. Use your voice to pray. Use your voice to sing. Use your voice to laugh. Use your voice to help. Use your voice to care. Use your voice to love. Speak up.

    Work:

    Even the most brilliant, tried-and-tested life tools in the world can’t work, unless you do. There are no quick fixes or magic wand. Real transformation is a slow, gradual, and real process that requires hard work and consistent effort. With commitment and dedication to working hard, nothing can stand in your way of moving forward.

    Hard work means that we are willing to try, fall, and stand up again; we are willing to be bold; and we are willing to face ridicule and criticism. Work on your goals each day, step by step. We are designed to grow. As we work toward our dreams, with patience, comes tremendous reward. What you put in is what you get out.

    eXtra:

    Don’t be someone who just does the bare minimum required in life. Go the extra mile and do more than you did before.

    Expand your comfort zone with extra focus, extra power, extra love, and extra drive.

    The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is just that little extra. Today, where can you show up a little EXTRA?

    Yesterday:

    Leave it behind. Glance back to see how far you have come, but keep moving forward. Leave your past mistakes behind you. Yesterday just determines your starting point for today. It in no way predicts how far you can go.

    Live now, savor the present, and plan wisely for tomorrow. Don’t get stuck in what was, you don’t live there anymore. Today is a new day to set new intentions, get inspired and motivated, and start taking meaningful action toward your goals.

    Zest:

    Do you do things just because, or do you do things with fervor, zeal, passion, energy, and enthusiasm?

    Where in your life are you still fast asleep? Where are you merely snoozing or drifting aimlessly?

    Now is the time to wake up. Choose one thing to do today that makes you come alive.

    Today, you get to decide to be accountable, not helpless; you get to decide to be interested, not indifferent. You get to live your life today on fire. You get to put your whole heart into something.

    What is the first thing you’re going to do, right now, to get the momentum rolling?

    —

    Each of these building blocks can stand alone or stand together. Choosing to work on even one of these will have a powerful positive effect on your life. Whether you are the kind of person who prefers a step by step process, one letter at a time, or you love to dive in deep and work on multiple tracks, these ABCs will give you an outstanding foundation on which to build a more purposeful, happier, and fulfilling life.

  • Nobody’s Perfect

    Nobody’s Perfect

  • How Yogic Breathing Helped Me Overcome Chronic Panic Attacks

    How Yogic Breathing Helped Me Overcome Chronic Panic Attacks

    “If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” ~Amit Ray

    I’ve battled chronic anxiety and PTSD my entire life and am no stranger to that tight pressure grip that dread and panic can have on the body and mind.

    On my worst days, I’d feel my chest and throat tighten as I struggled to breathe.

    Chronic panic attacks would leave me curled up in the fetal position, unable to move or stop panting.

    On my best days, I’d manage to get by, thanks to my numbing out with food and alcohol, self-medication, or mindless TV watching.

    I wasn’t just battling anxiety; I was in denial about the low-grade, high-functioning depression that, like a dark little storm cloud, hovered over me from the time my eyes opened in the morning till I finally fell asleep at night.

    I tried everything I could to shake it, to blow past the inner turmoil that never seemed to stop churning.

    But I couldn’t.

    I couldn’t make it stop, and I couldn’t make it go away.

    At least not long-term.

    Some things I tried provided brief momentary relief or comfort, though eventually, the feelings of dread, fear, defeat, and overwhelm would resurface yet again.

    I felt trapped. Powerless. Out of control. Doubtful I’d ever be able to experience anything other than this miserable existence.

    I come from a long lineage of various family members with a history of mental disorder and addiction, so I guess you can say it’s in my blood.

    As a young child I grew up witnessing my mother struggle with severe depression, bipolar disorder, and substance abuse problems, all of which eventually led her to several meltdowns and even a suicide attempt.

    So naturally, I was an anxious and fearful little girl who often felt very unsafe.

    My young mind learned early on that in order to survive I had to constantly be on guard.

    My nervous system became accustomed to the constant stress-mode of being in “fight-freeze-or-flight.”

    As my way to cope and make sense of it all, I sought out things that would help me feel in control of myself and my life, even if I accomplished this by numbing out, distracting, or shrinking and playing small.

    How I Found Peace and Courage Through Yogic Breathing

    It wasn’t until I embarked on the yogic path that things really changed for me.

    I turned to yoga in search of answers and natural anxiety relief during one of the lowest points in my life.

    I found comfort in this ancient practice, which taught me that I am not my past and I am not where I come from.

    Thanks to my yoga practice I realized that my anxiety didn’t have to define me.

    I learned that I could indeed rise above my fears, even in the midst of a full blown panic attack.

    I could learn to calm my racing mind and hyper-aroused body by learning to control my breath.

    This is one of yoga’s cornerstone teachings and it’s called pranayama or yogic breathing.

    “When the breath wanders the mind is unsteady. But when the breath is calmed, the mind too will be still.” ~Hatha Yoga Pradipika

    It wasn’t easy to employ these techniques in the middle of an attack, but with practice, time, consistency, and dedication, my panic attacks gradually shifted.

    They lessened their hold on me.

    I haven’t had a panic attack in almost three years.

    So how’d I do it?

    Each time I’d feel the onslaught of an attack, it took everything I had in me to channel my inner yogic warrior and brace myself for the internal battle about to take place.

    “I am not my fear; I am not this panic,” I’d remind myself over and over again as I struggled to breath.

    Sometimes I’d believe myself, other times I wouldn’t, but I kept reminding myself…

    “I am not my fear; I am not this panic.”

    Using The Warrior Breath for Victory

    I used various yogic breathing techniques each time I needed to calm my panicky mind and body.

    One proved particularly effective, so it became a go-to.

    It’s a science-backed technique called Ujjayi Breathing, also known as Warrior Breath and Victorious Breath.

    Uijayi Breathing has a host of mental, physical, and emotional benefits. This breathing technique is known to:

    • Increase resilience for coping with stress, anxiety, anger, and depression effectively
    • Regulate emotions
    • Balance the nervous system
    • Decrease stress response
    • Increase rest/ digest/ relaxation/ regeneration response
    • Regulate blood sugar levels
    • Lower cholesterol
    • Improve sleep cycle and quality
    • Improve digestion
    • Boost immunity
    • Improve respiratory function

    When you practice Ujjayi you create a sound like the ocean’s waves or an animal’s hiss by gently constricting the back of the throat.

    It sort of sounds like Darth Vader in Star Wars.

    Various studies have indicated that Ujjayi can be effective in working with PTSD. It’s been used with Vietnam veterans and natural disaster victims.

    When paired with deep abdominal breathing, Ujjayi can help you deactivate your body’s panic response while activating the soothing, regenerating response.

    The wave-like sounds of this breathing exercise can also provide you with some much needed soothing in the middle of the storm.

    Just a few minutes of Ujjayi breathing can offer you a welcomed sense of control as well as a wave of calm groundedness.

    5 Simple Steps to Take During Your Next Panic Attack

     1. Find solitude. 

    This is probably instinctive during a panic attack, it was for me at least. It’s important to set yourself up to win during this critical time window, so step away from the crowd and go somewhere quiet and where you feel safe. Remind yourself: “I am not my fear; I am not this panic.”

    2. Control your breath.

    In the throes of a panic attack, your body and mind can feel completely out of control. Your breath tends to be short, shallow, and frantic, so it’s important and essential to do what’s in your power to regain control by shifting your breathing. Start to slow your breath down intentionally.

    Here’s how to practice Ujjayi:

    – Place the tip of your tongue on the center of the roof of your mouth, keep it there.

    – Breathe only through your nose.

    – Take a full exhale with the mouth closed.

    – Start breathing like the ocean—constrict the back of your throat as you inhale slowly for six counts and exhale slowly for six counts.

    – As you’re inhaling, engage the lower belly by expanding it outwardly.

    – As you’re exhaling, contract the lower belly by bringing it inwardly toward your spine.

    – Keep repeating this breathing pattern of inhaling for six and exhaling for six until you feel a shift in your body and you’re no longer struggling to keep the pace (preferably a minimum of three minutes).

    3. Breathe with awareness.

    Once you’ve gotten control of your breathing rate with Ujjayi, start to bring awareness to your breathing. Bring your entire awareness to your breath as the air flows into your nostrils and out of your nostrils.

    Follow your breath with total attention. Observe your breathing. Is it long? Let it be long. Is it short? Let it be short. If the mind wanders, bring it back to your breath. Follow the breath and watch it with full presence. This is an excellent mental training that will get easier and easier the more your practice.

    4. Name it.

    Once you’ve connected to your breath and have brought awareness to it you’re ready to notice what is coming up for you and name it.

    A recent study out of UCLA found that the simple act of mindfully naming or labeling our emotions has the power to lessen their intensity. The study looked at brain scans of subjects as they named emotions and found that the part of their brain associated with fear and reactive emotional responses actually became less active. So name what you’re feeling and don’t hesitate… Name “fear,” “panic,” “dread,” “anger,” “scared,” “anxious,” “worried,” “resentful,” and so on.

    5. Keep breathing.

    With each inhale and exhale keep making the ocean’s sound and find your flow with it. Imagine the waves ebbing and flowing around you as you breathe the waves through you. Feel the waves within you. The more you flow with the waves, the more you’ll dissolve panic and activate inner calm.

  • The Idea Behind a Kaleidoscope

    The Idea Behind a Kaleidoscope

  • How to Get in Shape When You Feel Lazy and Unmotivated

    How to Get in Shape When You Feel Lazy and Unmotivated

    “Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” ~Jin Ryun

    Can I be brutally honest with you for a moment?

    I was the “fat kid” growing up, and I’ve struggled to find the motivation to lose weight and lead a healthy lifestyle my whole life.

    I first realized I was fat when the teacher asked for a volunteer to play Santa in the third grade Christmas play, and Aaron Valadez loudly blurted out, “Tim would be perfect for the role since he’s already got the belly!”

    I literally died right there. Mortified.

    This was the first time in memory when I turned to food to numb my pain and embarrassment. Congratulations to me, I had discovered the emotional rollercoaster known as binging! A rollercoaster which I would struggle to get off of for my entire life…

    I can pinpoint the exact moment when I told myself enough is enough.

    I was devastated after a recent breakup and was feeling lonely, lost, and depressed.

    These were very uncomfortable emotions. And what do I we when I feel uncomfortable emotions? I eat them, of course!

    Luckily I had a box of cinnamon buns ready for the occasion. I became powerless to stop myself, as the rush of the binge and my inner saboteur had taken hold. In a moment of sheer ecstasy and gluttonous pleasure I ate eight cinnamon buns in one sitting.

    And then….

    The rush was over. The sweet taste provided a fleeting moment of relief.

    Now all that remained was an empty box, an empty apartment, and an empty heart.

    Oh god, what had I done??!!

    I shouldn’t be surprised, I had spent the last three weeks repeating this cycle every night before bed.

    But today as I was cleaning up the crumbs, I decided I’d clean up my act too!

    Tomorrow will be different! I finally had found the motivation to stop the binging, stop the bad habits, and stop treating myself like I was worthless.

    Tomorrow, I thought, will be the day I start a healthy diet, start a daily exercise routine, and start treating myself right!

    But tomorrow never came.

    The next day I was back at it again with the sweets. A moment of relief from the pain of loneliness was far sweeter than anything the gym or a healthy lifestyle had to offer.

    Like a moth to a flame I was powerless to resist the sweet temptation, and I didn’t give a damn about my reputation!

    Only after the damage was done and the sweets gone did I feel motivated to clean up my act. Motivation was never there in the moments I needed it most. Where had my motivation gone and how could I get it back!?

    I’ve discovered that motivation was the last thing I needed. I never found the motivation to stop, and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Motivation is trash.

    Why is Motivation Trash?

    I know we all think motivation is what drives action, but in many cases it’s the other way around—actions create motivation.

    Have you ever felt like you didn’t want to go to the gym, but then once you put on your gym shoes and walked out the door you felt super motivated and ready to go? That’s an example of motivation coming after the action.

    Motivation should never be the sole force driving your actions because it is a temporary emotion. Just like you can’t feel sad or angry all the time, you can’t feel motivated all the time.

    Motivation was not going to save me from my cycle of binging and self-sabotage. My problem was I knew exactly what I needed to do (lose weight), but I didn’t know how or why I wanted to do it.

    I needed to connect to the intention, or the why, behind my goals before I could determine how to follow through on them. It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that will ultimately drive you to succeed.

    I also needed something that required very little willpower or motivation; what I needed was a habit. 

    The Power of Habit and Intention

    Habits are at the center of everything we do; most waking hours are spent executing one habit after another without even thinking about it.

    What do you do when you wake up? Get out of bed, make the bed, make coffee, drive to work?

    These are all examples of habits that are essential for our daily lives to run smoothly. Because they are so engrained in our brain there is very little thought or resistance that occurs when executing our daily routine.

    In my case, I knew I needed to create a habit to replace my binging and to get off the couch. I wanted to create a habit of a daily fitness routine and get back to the gym.

    Before I could create a habit that would stick, I first had to connect with the intention behind it. A powerful intention is something bigger than just yourself, and is connected to a higher purpose that will have a positive impact on the world.

    A habit infused with a powerful intention is what carries me through to get those workouts in even when I’m not feeling motivated to go.

    How Intentions Can Give or Take Away Your Power

    Intentions are so important because a poorly developed intention can actually drain your energy.

    For instance, when I was stuck in the binge cycle my intention was: I want to lose weight because I don’t want to be a disgusting loser fat slob.

    Surprise, surprise, this intention sucks! The issue is two fold:

    The first problem is that it is not connected to a higher purpose. It’s all about ME ME ME!

    Second, it’s framed in a negative way that reinforces the belief that I am a disgusting fat slob.

    A negative intention like this destroys my self-confidence and willpower and actually makes me more likely to binge again.

    How to Set a Powerful Intention  

    I knew I needed a more powerful intention to carry me through when temptation rears its ugly head!

    My new intention is simple—I want to get in shape to have a healthy life and age gracefully, and I want to inspire others to do the same.

    Notice how this intention is connected to a higher purpose, something greater than just myself—inspiring others.

    With this new intention, it became clear how laying on the couch eating cinnamon buns hurts not just me but those around me as well. This new intention gave me the energy I needed to follow through on my goals and build the right habits into my daily life when motivation was nowhere to be found.

    If you want to create a powerful intention, think about how to connect your goals to something bigger than yourself; this could be having the energy to take care of your family, to help your local community, to save the planet, or anything you want it to be.

    There can be multiple intentions behind a habit; try to find the intention you connect with most and focus on that.

    How Do You Stick to a Habit?

    I found the best way to stick to a habit is first to understand what a habit really is.

    Every habit consists of three parts: cue, routine, and reward.

    Cues are triggers for habits to begin. For instance, my alarm in the morning is the cue that triggers my morning habit, and the routine kicks in. Having a routine is the best because it takes the motivation and decision making out of the process. No longer is energy wasted on the internal debate thinking about if or when I’m going to the gym. There’s no need to make a decision; I just follow the process.

    After the alarm cue I get out of bed, put on my gym clothes, drink a huge glass of water, and then start walking to the gym. When I arrive at the gym I (usually) feel energized and ready to face the workout ahead.

    The most resistance I find to starting a new habit is in this first stage. Remember Newton’s first law of motion? Things in motion tend to stay in motion? Well this law also applies to habits!

    Once you get started, you build momentum and it becomes easier to follow through.

    The Three-Minute Rule

    To encounter the least mental resistance to starting a new habit, the goal is to have the shortest cue time possible. A cue time of three minutes or less is my golden rule. This leaves very little time for willpower to falter.

    Don’t want to exercise? Make putting on your workout clothes the cue that starts your routine. Once your clothes are on and you are in motion you’ll be well on your way to getting that workout in!

    Start Small

    The real secret to creating a new habit is to start out small in the beginning.

    When I wanted to start working out, I told myself I would go to the gym and only exercise for five minutes. After that I would leave. I didn’t plan to exercise; I only planned to show up. I wasn’t worried about the benefits of exercise; I was focused on building the habit.

    I recognized if I didn’t have the habit in place there was no point trying to stick to a routine. Build the habit first and let the rest come naturally.

    The truth is, even today when I don’t want to work out, at the very least I’ll go to the gym for five minutes. Even if all I can manage to do is breathe, that’s okay because I’m keeping my momentum going and my habit intact.

    Of course I almost always stay for more than five minutes; this is a psychological trick I use to get my ass to the gym even when I’m not motivated.

    Importance of Routine

    The second stage of a habit is the routine. This is the actual going to the gym and working out part. Once the cue is complete and the habit solidified in your daily life you can pretty much run on autopilot here.

    Just think of all the times you’ve been driving home from work and arrived in your driveway only to realize you didn’t remember driving home at all. That is an example of a routine that runs on autopilot. Similarly this idea of autopilot can also apply to your workouts once it becomes a habit.

    Reward Reinforces the Habit

    The last stage of any habit is the reward stage. In the case of exercise, the reward for me is feeling energized and focused, and getting the rush of feel good endorphins that follow a good workout.

    Brain activity spikes in the reward stage, and the link between cue and reward is reinforced. This is what makes habits so hard to break. Every time we complete a habit, it gets reinforced in the brain by the reward.

    This means every time I go to the gym it becomes easier to come back because I reinforce the link between the cue and the reward in my brain. Resistance to the workout decreases, and executing my habit of daily exercise becomes easier and easier.

    Pro Tip: Writing out a habit with pen and paper has been shown to dramatically increase follow through.

    Try writing out this sentence (with pen and paper):

    “I’m going to go to exercise on [DAY] at [Time of Day] at [Location]”

     By doing this, not only do you increase your chances of exercising, you also turn your time and space into a cue to commence your new habit. Getting started is the hardest part, so the more cues you have, the greater your chances for success.

    How Working Out Changed My Life

    After I replaced my unhealthy habit of binging with the healthy habit of working out, some rather unexpected benefits occurred in my life. I quit smoking, lost weight, and started making healthy diet choices.

    A healthy diet increased my mental energy and willpower, making it much easier to handle the stress of life. Now, instead of opening a box of cinnamon buns when I’m stressed, I’ll open up my gym bag and head out the door. I now treat myself with the respect I deserve. And it all started by stepping foot in the gym for five minutes a day.

    If you want to make fitness part of your daily life, stop relying on motivation this instant!

    Get connected to the intention behind your goals and make it about something bigger than just yourself.

    Once you have your intention, write down with pen and paper the time and place of your workout to increase your chances for success.

    Create a habit of going to the gym or hiking or practicing yoga or doing whatever exercise you enjoy—the shorter the cue time to begin your fitness routine the more likely you are to follow through.

    Start small and commit to exercising at least five minutes a day. Build the habit before worrying about the actual workouts.

    After you have a habit of exercising, experiment to find a workout plan you find fun and can follow consistently.

    And remember, things in motion stay in motion! Meaning even if you feel like being lazy and sitting on the couch, it’s very likely once you actually get started you will find the motivation for an amazing workout. Remember motivation often comes after the action and not before. Just get started already!!!

    I’m not special. I struggle with my weight and self-image every single day. I have to constantly battle debilitating neurotic thoughts telling me I’m not good and I should just give up. These are some of the tips I used to pick myself up out of a depression and get in shape when I wasn’t feeling motivated. With these tips I know you can do the same!

  • If We’re Growing…

    If We’re Growing…

  • How to Love Yourself Through Cancer or Any Other Terrifying Diagnosis

    How to Love Yourself Through Cancer or Any Other Terrifying Diagnosis

    “If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm.” ~Frank Lane

    One minute your life is just humming along, and out of nowhere you’re hit with a devastating diagnosis. Cancer.

    Believe me, I know what it’s like to get the news you have cancer and to live with the trauma that follows, because I’m not only a licensed psychotherapist, I’ve been treated for both breast cancer and leukemia.

    I know how that diagnosis changes everything. I know how the world around you can still look the same, but suddenly you feel like a stranger in your own life.

    You have trouble getting up in the morning. You have trouble getting to sleep. When you finally get to sleep you’re jolted awake by nightmares. Or maybe you sleep all the time. You can’t eat, or you can’t stop eating.

    You’re drinking too much. You’re smoking too much. You’re terrified, exhausted, and have no idea how you’re going to get through the next few hours, let alone the days, or weeks ahead.

    When I was going through chemo for breast cancer, I read all the books about surviving cancer I could get my hands on. I talked to my oncologist and to other women going through the same thing, trying to find the way to “do cancer right.”

    I worried myself sick that I would get things wrong, until a friend said, “You know, everybody does things differently. Just find what works for you, and do that.” Those words changed everything for me.

    I realized there wasn’t “a right way” to do cancer. There was just the way that worked best for me.

    I believe it’s the same for you. No matter what kind of diagnosis you’re facing, it’s up to you to find what works for you and do that.

    To get you through those tough first days, I’m offering you some thoughts and techniques that worked for me. I hope some of them will work for you, too.

    Be Gentle With Yourself

    When you’re going through a tough time, you may not have the time or energy keep up your usual self-care routine. So, why not let the big things go and start looking for little things you can do instead?

    If you can’t get to the gym, go out for a ten-minute walk at lunch. If you don’t have time to cook a nutritious dinner, add a salad or vegetable to your take-out order.

    Instead of trying to check things off your to-do list, think of ways to make life easier for yourself. If you don’t have time to do something yourself, hire someone, or ask for help.

    Focus on what’s best for you, and that means speaking up for yourself. If you don’t have the time or energy to do something, say “no,” and don’t feel guilty about it.

    Find the Joy

    Be sure to do something you love every day, even if it’s just for a few minutes: sit on a beach, gaze at the stars, read a book, go for a walk, watch a funny You Tube video or TV show. Smile when you can and laugh as often as possible, because laughter connects you with the world in a way that eases anxiety and heals the heart.

    Affirm Courage, Love, and Safety

    What you say to yourself matters. And when you’re going through a tough time, positive self-talk can make a real difference in how you think and feel.

    When I was struggling to find even one positive thought, I found it really helpful to focus on powerful affirmations instead. So, if you find yourself spiraling downward into the depths of negativity, try the following process to break that cycle.

    Healing Affirmations

    Begin by saying your name out loud. Then remind yourself that you’re safe and secure in the moment. Let that feeling soak all the way in to your belly and your bones.

    Once you feel safe, affirm:

    “I have the spirit, will, and courage to meet any challenge ahead.”

    “I can handle anything, one step at a time.”

    “I am always surrounded and protected by light and love.”

    “I speak to myself with loving kindness. I treat myself with loving kindness. I care for myself with loving kindness.”

    “I am always moving in a positive direction toward a positive future.”

    “I am safe.”

    End by promising you will always treasure yourself and honor your beautiful spirit. Affirm courage, love, and safety.

    Nourish Yourself

    Experts recommend eating well, and eliminating sugary and processed foods, alcohol, and caffeine when you’re under stress.

    But maybe you’re having trouble eating anything at all. Or maybe you’re living on chicken noodle soup, pretzels, and chocolate doughnuts.

    Please, give yourself a break. When you’re going through a traumatic experience it’s no time to be following a strict diet or to beat yourself for not eating a balanced diet. Instead, focus on making healthy food choices when you can, and letting go of judgment when you can’t.

    If you find you’re having trouble eating, choose foods you can tolerate and enjoy smaller portions more often through the day.

    If you’re over eating, try eating fruits and vegetables first. Commit to eating only when you’re sitting down. Focus on eating more slowly.

    But if you’ve tried everything you can think of and are still struggling with food, please let your health care provider know what ‘s going on. They’re there to give you support and help in all aspects of your health care.

    Rest

    A good night’s sleep is an important part of healing your body, mind, and spirit, but if you’re struggling to get enough sleep there are a number of things you can do.

    Try going to bed an hour earlier each night. The extra time in bed can give your body some needed rest.

    Once you’re in bed, do your best to keep your focus off your troubles. Relive happy memories, or imagine yourself vacationing in a place where you can relax and enjoy.

    If you haven’t fallen asleep after twenty minutes, get up and do something calming. Write in your journal, do a crossword puzzle, or sip a cup of herbal tea.

    Finally, if you aren’t able to get enough sleep at night, take a nap during the day. Make it a non-negotiable part of your daily schedule. If time is an issue, try scheduling all your activities and responsibilities before lunch, leaving your afternoon for napping or resting.

    Seek Support

    It’s important not to go through this alone. And asking for help is a sign of strength and courage, not weakness.

    When things get rough, call a friend or a family member and ask for support and help.

    If you’re completely overwhelmed and don’t know where to turn, consider getting some professional help. Talking to a mental health provider can give you new insight, hope, and bring you peace.

    Finally, you may also want to consider working with a support group. There’s great power in knowing you’re not the only one suffering this kind of challenge. There are people who are in the same boat and know exactly how you feel.  They may be able to offer comfort and advice in the days ahead.

    Give

    Giving is another powerful way to connect with the people around you. It reminds you of the gifts you still have, and that you’re not the only one going through a tough time.

    There are lots of ways to lend a hand. Offer to drive a neighbor to a medical appointment. Walk the dogs at your local animal shelter. Write a check to your favorite charity or drop a few coins in the donation can as you pass by. Send a card or text to a friend to help them through the day.

    If you’d like to make a longer term commitment, volunteer at your local library, food bank, or senior center.

    And if you think you don’t have any energy or time or left to give, give a compliment. Share a smile or a kind word. You never know how that one small gift could change a life.

    Give Yourself a Healing Hug

    Hugging is a way to give yourself comfort and peace in the middle of any storm. Acupressure is a powerful way to bring ease to both body and spirit.

    I combine both techniques in what I call a healing hug, and highly recommend it to ease fear and panic that can be a part of these tough days.

    Begin by crossing your arms over your chest. There are two important acupressure points located in the soft tissue just under your collarbones called the “letting go” points.

    Chances are that by crossing your arms, your fingertips have landed on those “letting go” points. Take a moment and feel around until you find the spots, about two inches above your armpit crease and an inch inward.

    Once you’re found the points, pull your arms close around you in a comforting, self-hug, and gently massage those “letting go” points with your fingertips. Continue to breathe, noticing on each exhale how the tension and fear flow down your spine and out of your body.

    —

    No matter how difficult or scary your diagnosis, treating yourself with love and kindness will make the journey through the those first tough days easier, and give you a head start on enjoying the sunshine waiting for you on the other side.

  • Healing Doesn’t Have to Look Magical or Pretty

    Healing Doesn’t Have to Look Magical or Pretty

  • Check on Your Friends

    Check on Your Friends

  • How I Learned to Trust Others by Learning to Trust Myself

    How I Learned to Trust Others by Learning to Trust Myself

    “You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” ~Frank Crane

    I’ve had trust issues for as long as I can remember, but didn’t realize it until after my divorce.

    Divorce can be a traumatic experience, and in this case, it made me begin to take stock of my life. I began to reflect on my failed romantic relationships and why this was a repeat pattern for me.

    I realized then that I never let people in for fear they will let me down, belittle or make me feel small, or otherwise diminish me in some way. I keep people at a distance, and this impacts my ability to have close, connected relationships.

    I used to think I had trust issues because I grew up in a family where things were not “psychologically safe.” But I’ve come to realize there’s more to it than that.

    Have you ever struggled with trust issues thinking they were caused by something outside yourself? That trust was a matter of what other people did, how they treated you, or how they disappointed you? Maybe it’s time to consider that perhaps your trust issues are more about you than other people.

    While I may have some wounds from not receiving the emotional nurturing I needed when growing up, I have trust issues not because I distrust others, but because I don’t trust myself. What?!

    This was a surprising revelation. But, it helped me realize what I needed to do in order to truly trust other people—that was begin by trusting myself.

    You may have trust issues as well if: 

    • You view people with suspicion about their motives
    • You don’t share your true feelings
    • You assume the worst intentions by others
    • You make every interaction all about you—how could they do this to me?!
    • You doubt your own capabilities and decisions

    What happens when we are operating on a “non-trust” level? We keep ourselves closed off from all the opportunities available to us.

    Let me tell you a story about how this has played out in my life. One day I was out walking along a beautiful beach with a girlfriend. She said, “Wow—these guys around us are really checking you out.”

    “Really?” I asked.

    “That’s your problem!” she said. “You are oblivious.”

    And she was right. I was completely disengaged from the world around me because I didn’t trust it. I wasn’t open to people’s smiles, or their overtures, or even their kindness. I was basically checked out, and I rarely noticed when others made attempts at engagement.

    There have been many occasions when a person was about to open a door for me, but I was so busy being independent that I opened ir myself without even noticing their attempted act of kindness. This left me living a life that was mostly isolating and solo.

    Humans are social creatures, and we need human connection to feel alive and complete. When we cut ourselves off from this life-giving force because we are suspicious and don’t trust others, we harm ourselves more than any act of untrustworthiness we could experience.

    Yes, people will sometimes disappoint us, and yes, people will occasionally do malicious things. But, in the end, we have to get over this. We need to move on from continuously licking our wounds so we can heal them and start living fully again.

    As children we were naturally trusting, sharing our toys, our thoughts, and our hearts with abandon. It’s not until we were trained to distrust the world and “not talk to strangers” that we began to lose our innocence and belief in the inherent goodness of humanity.

    Or, we didn’t receive strong nurturing as kids, and this caused a wound that never seemed to heal properly. While it can be good to have a healthy dose of skepticism so as not to become victims—and we need to teach our kids to stay away from strangers to keep them safe—it is not healthy to remain closed off and shut down from the world.

    We must learn to trust despite knowing we may get hurt. It is only by opening our hearts that we can have flourishing relationships, see the opportunities around us, and begin to live a more fulfilled life.

    What happens when people let you down? You accept that they are imperfect beings and move on. What happens when you let yourself down? You do the same thing. This is where I think I got hung up. I didn’t trust myself, and this actually made it impossible to trust other people.

    We often project our feelings and beliefs onto others without consciously realizing we’re doing it. If we don’t trust ourselves to do the right things, we might project that onto other people and assume they too will let us down. If we don’t believe in our own inherent goodness, we likely won’t believe in anyone else’s.

    I had a hard time trusting myself because I never accepted myself as a flawed and imperfect being. I could never get over my own disappointment when I let myself down. What are some ways I let myself down?

    • Letting myself remain in an abusive relationship
    • Lying about my drinking addiction and hiding it from my family and friends
    • Not following through on a job opportunity I was too afraid I might get rejected
    • Not having the confidence to follow my dreams
    • Acting in ways that were counter to my moral values

    We can lose trust in ourselves in many ways, but then we can also build that trust back up.

    For me, I built my trust by realizing I wasn’t living up to my greatest self. I began to make conscious choices to change that. I got help for my drinking problem. I found the courage to take baby steps toward my ambitions, and each time I did, I built on that success. I focused on developing my personal strengths and growing as a person. Most of all, I strived to do the best I could in any given situation.

    Did I fail sometimes? Did I still let myself down? Of course, I’m imperfect. And this is okay. I found that if I was doing my best I could allow the occasional stumble without beating myself up or deciding that I couldn’t trust myself at all. And I could do the same for other people. If they occasionally disappointed me, I could recognize that this is what it means to be human.

    I realized I didn’t have to see things as black and white—that people, myself included, are either trustworthy or not. Because life is all about shades of gray. Sometimes people will let us down, but that doesn’t mean they always will.

    Even if people make mistakes, and even if we occasionally need to cut ties with people who continually hurt us, we can trust that most people have good intentions. And if we set the intention to always do our best, we can trust that we generally will, even if we falter at times.

    The way to resolve trust issues is to learn to trust yourself. When you believe that you are always doing your best, you’ll be able to extend this same belief to others. This will help you go out into the world and be open to people and experiences with curiosity and a pure heart, without bitter preconceptions.

    When we live a life full of integrity and trustworthiness to our deepest self, we can better learn to accept others’ mistakes and flaws, even if they hurt us. We can also learn to trust that despite what others may do, or how they might disappoint us, we will be able to get through it, our faith in humanity in tact.

    This will help us embrace life more fully and flourish in our widest and fullest potential—to spread our wings and fly.

  • Until You Change Your Thinking…

    Until You Change Your Thinking…

  • How to Recover from Heartbreak and Feel Whole Again

    How to Recover from Heartbreak and Feel Whole Again

    “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” ~Iain Thomas

    A deep heaviness and uneasiness began to pulsate throughout my body. Warm, salty tears streamed down my face at all hours of the day. It felt like all the best parts of me were gone and would never return.

    Heartache can be one of the hardest things to overcome in life. I never wanted to be one of those girls who let guys determine how they feel. But when my first serious relationship ended when I was twenty-seven, I was beyond devastated.

    It took me years to overcome my breakup with Tom because he was my first real love. I’m slowly starting to view the despair I experienced as a gift because it’s shaped the person I’m becoming. More importantly, it has taught me to never fear or take advantage of love.

    If you’re struggling to overcome heartache, perhaps some of my lessons may be useful to you. Here’s what helped me on my journey to becoming whole again.

    1. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings.  

    Although it may be tempting to numb your feelings, if they aren’t addressed, chances are they will catch up to you.

    My relationship blindsided me when it ended because I didn’t see it coming. I felt like I was going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Only, strangely enough, it felt almost worse than most deaths I grieved because in this relationship there was never a clear goodbye or any closure.

    It took me years to go through all of these stages. For a good part of it, I was stuck in denial and sadness.

    My breakup with Tom taught me that it’s okay to feel things that are uncomfortable because life isn’t always pleasant. It may be hard, but try to allow yourself to experience whatever feelings come up.

    I had to strip my emotions down to feel totally raw and vulnerable. If I felt sad and allowed myself to cry, my body felt so much better afterward because I was able to release all the stress and tension that I’d held in for so long. When I felt anger rising in the pit of my stomach, I’d go for a run to burn off that steam.

    Whatever it is that you’re feeling, allow it to come and go like waves instead of pretending it doesn’t exist or fighting it.

    2. Cut off contact with your ex so that you are able to heal. 

    One of the reasons it took me so long to get over Tom was because we were still in touch with each other via text. Even though we weren’t dating, deep down I had this romantic notion that we would get back together eventually.

    When I would date other guys, I wasn’t emotionally invested in them because part of me that held onto hope that Tom and I could still save our relationship and bring it back to what it was during the first year we dated. The truth was that over the years we both changed and grew apart instead of growing together.

    Although it was hard to end contact with Tom, I knew that in order to get over him I had to stop relying on him emotionally. This was the scariest part. Tom was part of my life for five years and knew all of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was terrified to be alone and have him out of my life.

    I’m not going to lie, I may have texted him more than a few times after promising myself not to contact him. However, eventually, as time passed without contact, I was able to stay strong. I had to stand on my own and face my fears in order to get back to a healthy emotional state.

    It’s different for everybody, but I realized that no matter how much time has passed a part of me will always love my ex. And that’s okay. Because now I’m no longer in love with him, largely because I gave myself the space I needed to finish healing—which means I’ll be able to pursue a relationship with someone else in the future.

    3. Have a good tribe of people to talk to.

    No one is an island. Admitting that you are going through a hard time and finding friends and family who are willing to listen to your struggles can make a world of a difference.

    At the time of my breakup, my best friend was going through something similar. It was helpful to share our experiences with each other since it made us both feel less alone. I was lucky to have my mom to talk to as well. It really was beneficial to get her advice, as she had many years of experience to share.

    If you find yourself talking about your breakup excessively, it may be good to contact a counselor. Since my breakup happened during my last semester of graduate school,  I decided to take advantage of speaking with a counselor, as they were free to students.

    Initially, I had mixed feelings but can say that this assisted me greatly in being able to finish my last semester of school. It also felt good to talk about my feelings to someone who didn’t have a biased view and wouldn’t judge my thoughts.

    4. Don’t compare yourself to others.

    Remember my best friend I told you about who was going through a breakup? She ended up dating someone a month afterward. Eventually, they got married.

    It has taken me about two years to feel ready to date again. Everyone goes through breakups differently, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    There are so many different factors involved in recovering from a painful breakup. Maybe your relationship was over way before it officially ended. Maybe you didn’t get any closure after your breakup, or it was your first love you lost.

    In order to allow myself to heal, I had to stop comparing myself to others. I also decided to get off of social media for a month.

    Yes, I was happy for my friends who were dating, getting married, and having kids. However, being bombarded with joyful couples and babies was just too much. I just knew that it was not the best time for me to be flooded with relationship pictures. It allowed me to spend more time with myself and hit the reset button.

    5. Give yourself the time you need before jumping into a new relationship.

    Initially, I went on a bunch of dates, sometimes two in one day. Yes, it distracted me from what I was feeling, but it wasn’t healthy. Emotionally, it became exhausting.

    It was too early in the game to date, and all I could think about was my ex. Whenever I went on a date, I would start comparing the guy to Tom, and that’s not a good way to jump back on the dating horse.

    Take the time you need to feel whole again before dating. I finally told myself that it’s alright to have high standards about what I’m looking for in a relationship. Most importantly, I learned to enjoy being single.

    6. Take good care of yourself.

    Self-care was never something I was good at. I always cared more about others and never made time for myself. I felt incredibly lost after my breakup because I no longer had Tom to care about.

    Without anyone else to focus on, I started to pay more attention to my own needs and wants. It was also an incentive to treat myself to certain services or activities I normally would not even consider such as getting monthly massages and participating in yoga classes regularly.

    I stopped saying yes to everyone else just to please them and started saying yes to myself. I travelled to Peru, Iceland, and Thailand. I took a new job and finally felt free.

    Go on that vacation you have been waiting for. Take that cooking class you have been putting off. Have a girls’ or guys’ weekend.

    Now is the time to focus on yourself. Enjoy it while you’re single because you never know when you’ll have as much time alone to discover your interests and passions.

    7. Don’t stop appreciating the beauty in all that surrounds you.

    There is joy all around us. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that, especially when you’re going through something tough like a breakup.

    I started to become engaged more in my surroundings, and it has made a big difference.

    I was able to connect to my friends and family on a deeper level and really value these relationships. I started a gratitude journal, which helped me appreciate the little gifts we are given each day. Even something as simple as smiling at others in the street can be a beautiful act and make us feel more connected to those around us.

    — 

    It took me years to pick up all of the broken pieces and rebuild myself. These seven tips helped me heal from an incredibly painful time in my life. Slowly, my heart started to mend and refill with self-love.

    I know I will always love Tom, but now I’m able to continue to go on with my life without feeling trapped or in limbo. Sometimes the past will unexpectedly come up and a flood of sadness will hit me. I allow myself to feel this and then let it go just as fast as it came.

    I’m grateful for the person I have become due to my breakup. It has allowed me to realize how rare and wonderful it is to find love. I’ve also learned to become comfortable in solitude and enjoy time alone.

    It’s been quite a process, but now my heart is open to love again. Even though you may experience a deep pain and feel broken and angry, know what there is still beauty out in this world for us to experience on a daily basis. And know that through this experience you can become a stronger version of yourself.

  • Why We Need to Stop Hiding and Share the Beauty in Our Brokenness

    Why We Need to Stop Hiding and Share the Beauty in Our Brokenness

    “Out of perfection nothing can be made. Every process involves breaking something up. The earth must be broken to bring forth life. If the seed does not die there is no plant. Bread results from the death of wheat. Life lives on lives. Our own life lives on the act of other people. If you are lifeworthy, you can take it.” ~Joseph Campbell

    Head on my pillow, tears in my eyes, a list of to-dos in my brain, I felt unable to move my body. I’d worked so hard to leave behind this person who stayed in bed avoiding life. But someone’s angry words had pierced my soul, and I once again was a prisoner to my bed, my thoughts, and my anxiety.

    It wasn’t so much the disagreement that stung, but the chuckles and snide “You can’t really believe that?” More than “mansplaining,” he was patronizing and questioning my intelligence.

    I tried to stop the personal attacks by “setting up boundaries,” as they say. No doubt I did not express myself in a calm, clear manner, as my blood was boiling. However, I tried to protect my integrity during the argument for the first time in this particular relationship.

    What now, though? Concern for the future of this relationship was what was now spiraling out of control in my head and overwhelming my thoughts.

    In retrospect, the fight hadn’t left me paralyzed with anxiety; it was the new way of dealing with belittling behavior that I had allowed myself. This was unchartered territory.

    I had dared to make a change in a relationship. Now, I was awash with the resulting questions about what came next and if I’d done the right thing.

    Without leaving my bed, I catapulted myself out of yet another comfort zone by reaching out to a group of supportive people. Phone in hand, I scrambled to type the message before I could think myself out of it.

    A few days before, a friend and I had heard author and activist Glennon Doyle speak. She encouraged the audience to speak our truths, “Blow shit up, and walk away like Wonder Woman.” So, that morning, as I licked my wounds, I told my truth to a safe audience.

    Like a dog offering up his belly in a display of vulnerability, I spoke the truth of where I was. I pulled back the curtain and said life has knocked me down. Can I get a hand up? The responding support was worth the risk.

    Not long after, I heard the song “This Is Me” from the movie The Greatest Showman for the first time. I rushed home and looked up the lyrical version on YouTube. I sat and absorbed the rising beat.

    I read the words as Kesha belted them out. Words like “Today, I won’t let the shame sink in,” and “I am bruised. I am who I’m meant to be. This is me.”

    My soul surged. I sucked in the words and rhythm like air. I marinated in the meaning, replaying it over and over.

    I wanted to announce my bruises too. I’ve battled depression my entire adult life; “this is me.” My latest psychologist diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder; “this is me.” No one knows about my battles with bulimia, but “today, I won’t let the shame sink in.”

    I headed off to the gym with my new warrior anthem playing in my head. I’m pumped. I greet everyone with a huge smile on my face. This is my happy place.

    I got to an exercise requiring balance, which I lack. My arms are flitting around being more comical than helpful. The lady next to me says, “See? You’ve worked it out!”

    Wait, what is she seeing? I’m flailing around like a fish out of water, and she sees “worked it out?” This sends me back in my head thinking about the song and my story and my struggles.

    I rushed home and wrote the truth about all the messiness that lies beneath what people see. I wrote about how I “worked it out” through my battles with mental illness, not despite them.

    I started telling my truth and in doing so, embracing it. With every scribbled word, I accepted my wounds a little more.

    I wrote about all the things that I thought I had to keep hidden in order to be presentable. My struggles had been my flaws, my “dirty little secrets.” I wanted to tidy up the pieces of my broken world before I could let anyone in.

    I had it all wrong. Our scars are the proof that we are living and growing. Our strength is that we have battled with demons and are still standing.

    Just look at the natural world. It transforms flaws and mistakes into beauty all the time.

    The pearl starts as an intruding piece of sand. Protecting itself from the intruder, an oyster creates a thing of value.

    Quartz is naturally colorless, but if iron mistakenly mixes in, it turns a beautiful purple, resulting in amethyst. The bodies of long-extinct creatures are now our fuel.

    The power of the universe is on display when it turns decay into value. There are no wasted failures in nature. They are simply transformed and renewed.

    What if beauty begins when the imaginary ideal is broken? What if the universe needs the messy, broken, and failed to demonstrate its power to make the defective whole? What if we have that same power to turn our battles into our beauty?

    I’m convinced now of the inherent beauty of the damaged parts, and that we must resist the temptation to air brush our lives as if they are cover girls. Hiding robs us of our divine power to turn our broken pieces into something wondrous.

    The broken bits don’t go back together the same way as before, though. We may have to mourn that fact. For example, life after divorce will never look the same. Mourning that loss is healthy, but shouldn’t forever immobilize.

    The caterpillar has no choice but to transform into a butterfly. We, however, can impede our transformation like I did through shame, guilt, denial, and hiding. There is so much value that can come from our damaged, defeated souls if we open them up to the light.

    To courageously tell our truth allows others to see the beauty and hope in the battlefield before them. We are so much more than what life has thrown our way. We are the warriors who are still standing no matter how many times we had to get off the ground. When we become vulnerable enough to illuminate our brokenness, we harness the power of the universe to create beauty out of failure.

  • Sometimes Good Things Fall Apart…

    Sometimes Good Things Fall Apart…

  • The Danger of Wishful Thinking: Nothing Changes If We Don’t Take Action

    The Danger of Wishful Thinking: Nothing Changes If We Don’t Take Action

    “You just have to determine to settle for nothing less than being fully alive, to show up, be who you are, and share your gifts.” ~Gabrielle Roth

    A few years ago for the winter solstice my women’s group got together, as we do every week, and held a beautiful ritual to welcome both the darkness and the light. We released what we were ready to let go of in our lives and set our intentions for the New Year. We not only spoke our intentions, we danced them for each other. It was beautiful and powerful.

    But a few days later, as I was sitting in meditation with my candle, I heard the voice of my heart tell me, “You aren’t going to make those intentions come true unless you get very specific about how they are going to come about this year. You need to set goals and outline steps and commit to bringing this about in your life. Otherwise, it’s just going to be business as usual.”

    I was shown that I needed to set goals in every area of my life and be very specific about what I desire to create in that area and what it will take to get there. Then I needed to commit to the steps and have a process for tracking them and keeping my goals in my awareness.

    Since then, I have been deeply engaged in a process of visioning my life, creating goals for the year, and dividing those goals into measurable, achievable steps, and then following through. I now do a whole several-day process at the start of every year around this, with check-ins at the start of each month and week. I’ve developed a whole process to keep me moving toward my heart’s desires in a balanced way.

    The process has been amazing and challenging, and quite a learning experience.

    Suddenly I am making things happen in my life that I have wanted for a long time and felt that I either could not make time for or had no control over.

    In the process I have had to get very real about what is important to me, what I truly desire, and to what I am willing to commit myself, my energy, time, and resources. How much do I want it? And what is in the way inside of me? What has been holding me back?

    One of the things I am realizing is that in the past I relied heavily on wishful thinking, waiting for a miracle to take me out of my current predicament and bring me my dreams. I would hope for a miracle while not committing myself to making the things I desire happen.

    I still fall into this, because it’s hard to get crystal clear and then take action. It brings us up against our fears, our false beliefs, our laziness or insecurity or doubt. It would be nice if some giant eagle, like in The Lord of the Rings would just swoop in and save the day, and I wouldn’t have to do anything scary or hard.

    But the bigger problem was I didn’t feel empowered to create the life I desire, to manifest my dreams. I felt helpless and hopeless, like the best I could do was hope and pray, and maybe these things would show up and maybe they wouldn’t. Hence I would vacillate between periods of great optimism and great despair, because I didn’t feel I had any agency in the situation.

    Now I realize this is totally wrong.

    The whole craze around The Secret, the Law of Attraction, and manifesting your life has gone overboard with the sense “I can have anything I want.” There is not enough regard for what is in right alignment for us and others and the planet, what is good for all beings. We also overlook what we might need that we don’t know about yet and might at first reject—how sometimes the difficult or unpleasant situations of our lives are exactly what we need for our highest good.

    On the other hand, the idea that it is all out of my hands, it is all up to fate and there is nothing I can do about it, is no good either. For one thing, this belief overlooks the fact we are creative beings, powerful creators of our lives, whether for good or ill. We are here to co-create, to cooperate with the flow of Life—sometimes called the Tao—around us and within us. As the artists of our lives, we are here to be active participants in dreaming and creating our lives.

    An attitude of surrendering to the flow of life can help us to remember to release the results, the outcome. After you create your vision, this is an important, in fact, crucial step, that is often missed in the whole manifesting craze. But it doesn’t mean you just sit by and do nothing, waiting for your dreams to come true.

    Our heart’s desires can bring us into right relationship with the world, to the livingness in and around us. In fact, I believe a true heart’s desire is meant to do just that. Because it summons us to our greatness, to our fullest, most alive being, to our full participation here.

    In the past I approached manifestation and the Law of Attraction in a disempowered way. I wrote affirmations and did visualizations, hoping for a miracle, for it to be done for me. Affirmations and visualization can help us bring clarity and joy to our desires. That is tremendous and very powerful. I still use them, sometimes with startlingly positive results.

    But there is more required of us. I was forgetting my part in the equation—that I too am part of bringing my dreams to fruition, a big part.

    So here are the basic steps I have discovered to co-create with life:

    1. Define.

    First, you get very clear about what it is that you desire to create in your life. You name it. You visualize it with all of your senses. You feel it in your being. In feeling it, you make sure you really want it, and it isn’t just something you think you should want.

    You get clear and real about the details. You define. If I want to publish my writing in literary magazines, I need to have a clear idea what that means: I’d like to publish in five magazines by the end of this year, for example.

    2. Commit.

    I wasn’t really doing this step before. You change the wishing and wanting to a commitment. “I commit to publishing my writing in five magazines this year.”

    I find in changing my desire to a commitment, feelings and resistance may arise. There may be fear or doubt in my ability. There may be a belief that nothing good ever happens for me, or that magazines are not publishing good work anymore.

    These doubts, fears and beliefs point to work I need to do in myself, to clear out what is in the way inside of me that keeps my desire away from me. This is my job, to feel the feelings and beliefs that hold me back, and work on them, remove the obstacles.

    3. Declare.

    You state your commitment to friends. You make it known. You seek accountability and support. This is another step we love to avoid, because declaring our commitment puts us in the hot seat.

    And you ask for help where you will need it to make this dream a reality. There might be others that can help you with the steps. Don’t try to do it alone. That’s another mistake I often make.

    4. Visit with your dreams daily.

    You re-affirm your dream and your commitment to it daily. Keep it in your consciousness. As you do, create space for silence, so you can hear where you are being led, what steps you need to take.

    As you go about your day, stay open to guidance and opportunities to help you realize your dreams. If you aren’t paying attention to the opportunities, you are going to make it a whole lot more difficult to reach your desire.

    The road to get there may go through some unusual routes that you had not planned or never conceived of. The road may take you to a completely different outcome, like: It turns out I’m not meant to be a writer, I’m meant to be a singer! How wonderful!  

    If you are too fixated on how you think you should get there or even where you should arrive, you may be missing the beautiful openings that Life is granting you.

    5. Act.

    As you visit with your dreams, remember it is up to you to take steps, to act. Miracles and synchronicities often appear on the path of dreams, but first we have to show up by taking action in a repeated, committed way.

    You take actions congruent with your desire. You make your life congruent with what you wish to create.

    If I want to publish in five magazines, I need to write and I need to submit work on a regular basis. I need to make a schedule and have commitments to make this happen, not just vaguely decide I’ll do it “sometime.”

    Otherwise, all the dreaming and wishing and hoping, all the affirmations in the world aren’t going to make this happen for me.

    And I need to take the unexpected openings that arise, as long as they feel right to me, as long as I feel that “yes” inside. So when someone suddenly says to me, “I’m starting a new magazine, and I need material to publish,” I give them something I have written, because I recognize the opportunity Life is handing me.

    6. Surrender.

    This is a very important step many people miss. You hand it over to the flow of Life, trusting that the highest and best for you will be done in this situation, even if it looks nothing like what you asked for. You let it go.

    Even though you continue to conduct your life congruent with your desire—until you receive information/feeling/sensing that it is no longer right for you—and even though you keep your dream alive in your awareness, you still release the results.

    If I keep writing and sending out my work, and it does not get published anywhere this year, I trust in the process, and most of all, I remember to enjoy the process. The process is everything, or nearly everything, because the process is my life happening now.

    So it’s not enough to engage in wishful thinking and magical practices. You have to go out and change your life, take action. Be the creative force in your life. Make your behavior congruent with your desire. Be accountable, be empowered, ask for help, and then release the results.

    No one is going to do it for you if you don’t care enough to make it happen in your life. That was the big surprise I didn’t want to realize. But it has made a world of difference.

  • Even the Nicest People Have Their Limits

    Even the Nicest People Have Their Limits

  • Help People Even If They Can’t Help You Back

    Help People Even If They Can’t Help You Back

  • How to Rebuild a Relationship with Someone Who’s Hurt You

    How to Rebuild a Relationship with Someone Who’s Hurt You

    “Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free.” ~Unknown

    My situation is probably not unlike that a lot of people reading this.

    I grew up in a single-parent home. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty happy childhood, and my mom did an unbelievable job raising me. She worked four jobs to make sure I always had the best of everything. But I could never shake the feeling that I always wanted a father figure in my life.

    My parents had separated when I was very young. My dad was a marine, my mom was a doctor, and she had realized that she didn’t want to be moving around her whole life. This meant that I only got to see him once or twice a year. And slowly, we became increasingly estranged.

    When I was sixteen, I found out that he was deciding where to buy a new house for a more permanent and stable job post. I started thinking that he would find something nearer to me. He now had more flexibility, and finally, I could see him more often. We could begin to build a real relationship and make up for the years of missed birthdays, graduations, and other memories.

    But then, right when I got my hopes up, he didn’t. He stayed where he was—with his new wife and her kids. Even though it seemed like they didn’t appreciate him, and even though I felt that I needed him more than they did.

    It broke my heart.

    In fact, it’s almost ten years later, and although we’re on better terms now than we’ve ever been, I’m still healing.

    I had to learn to let him go before I could learn to forgive him. And I had to learn to forgive him before I could build a relationship with him. We’re in the process of building that relationship, and we’re better off now than we’ve ever been. But I’m still accepting that I’ll never get the dad that the little girl in me always wanted.

    It’s a tough pill to swallow. Knowing that people that you have the most love for are sometimes going to hurt you. Sometimes even those who are supposed to protect you. It’s one of the most difficult lessons you’ll learn in a lifetime, but it’s a part of being human.

    I hope my experience can help to shed some light on your own relationships with partners, family members, and close friends.

    Here’s how I learned to let go and forgive.

    1. See the human being in the projection.

    A significant part of what we see in other people, particularly those with whom we have an emotional history, can often be a projection of our own unconscious attitudes toward that person, and not a reflection of how they are behaving.

    This is difficult to see in ourselves, and tends to be even more pronounced in people we’ve known for a long time, particularly our parents.

    I learned to forgive my dad by seeing the person in him and not the idea of what I thought a father should be. Doing so wasn’t an easy process, as I had to face shortcomings in both of us. On his side it was constantly making promises he couldn’t keep, out of a fear of losing love and affection from anyone around him. For me, it was the inability to give him a chance to make things right, and see him in a new light, even when it was the most appropriate thing to do for both of us.

    Fortunately, over time, as I grew as a person, I was able to build a new relationship with him, based on fresh experiences and not sour expectations.

    2. Constantly re-assess your expectations.

    When trying to start afresh with my father, I found myself constantly face to face with my old expectations. Whenever he would act in a certain way, such as making empty promises or failing to be there for me when I need him, it would trigger an old story (and old emotions) I had about how he’d always been this way or how he’d never change. But each time I did so, I was able to reassess my expectations.

    A cynical way to look at this would be to say that I lowered them. But who’s to say for whatever reason they weren’t too high to begin with? When he began to act in a way that was more congruent with what I had come to expect, we were both happier, and he even began to positively surprise me sometimes when he fulfilled promises I didn’t expect him to.

    3. Look at the world from their perspective.

    The spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said: “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” It’s a tongue-in-cheek quote, and I’ve tried to apply the idea my situation. I’ve always thought that I’m an empathetic and understanding person. But can I really stand in the shoes of my family members and be completely ok with their actions, particularly those who have hurt me?

    I tried to think about my dad’s situation, his expectations and disappointments, the influences in his life like constantly being on the move because of his work. And I understood that he wasn’t there for me partly because he was afraid of losing his new family and being alone.

    At the end of the day, while I couldn’t come to justify his actions, I was able to see the rationale in them, and have empathy for him as a flawed human being, rather than someone who had intentionally done me wrong.

    4. Practice acceptance in all areas of life.

    Sometimes I couldn’t separate the man from the projection, I couldn’t change my expectations, and I couldn’t come to rationalize where I’d been done wrong. At this point, I had to try and accept things the way they are. And at first, I couldn’t. It just felt so inauthentic, I was still so angry and upset. So I decided to start small and practice acceptance as a skill.

    I accepted little things like traffic on the way to work and rudeness by people in shops. I accepted when I saw something I didn’t like on the news or friend of mine had been a little thoughtless. I even made it a habit to accept things I didn’t like about myself, and finally, I began to be able to accept my father for his mistakes.

    5. View relationships as fluid, not solid.

    This final point was one of the most interesting. I began to view relationships in my life as fluid and not solid. For me, fluid relationships meant that people could enter and leave, their roles could change, as could the way we related to each other. Unfortunately, this is a natural fact of life, and the choice we have is whether or not we resist it.

    My dad hasn’t been a huge support, nor a good role model, but right now he’s a father and a friend, and someone I love. That may change in the future, for better or worse, but I’m trying my best to be open to the journey.

    Learning to let go of people you love when they’ve hurt you is one of the most difficult challenges we will face in a lifetime. As you can see from my situation, letting go of someone may be releasing the grip you have on the idea of who they should be. Sometimes you can still maintain a relationship, just not the one you want. And sometimes, that’s exactly what you need.

    Have you ever had to rebuild a relationship with someone who’s hurt you? Leave a comment below, I would love to hear your stories!

  • You Got This

    You Got This

  • Going Back to a Simpler Life

    Going Back to a Simpler Life