Tag: wisdom
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It’s More Important to Be Authentic Than Impressive
“The most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves is to remain ignorant by not having the courage to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~Pema Chödrön
All my life I’ve chased after success, as I was encouraged to do from a very young age.
When I was six, my father got me my first proper study desk as a gift for getting into a ‘good’ school. The type of desk that towered over a little six-year-old—complete with bookshelves and an in-built fluorescent light. In the middle of the shelf frame stuck a white sticky label inscribed with my father’s own handwriting in two languages. It read: “Work hard for better progress.”
Little did I know those words would set the tone for me and my work ethic for the next twenty years—until I finally began to question them.
Hard work became my ‘safe space’ whenever I felt insecure. When I struggled to make friends at a new school, felt rejected, or felt like I didn’t belong, I would put my head down and drown out my emotions out by working hard. It became my coping strategy.
My younger self didn’t yet have the emotional resources to deal with moving around, changing schools, and facing social rejection. When it became too painful, it was much easier to stay in my head than to feel vulnerable with my heart.
So, whenever I struggled to fit in at school, I just worked harder with the misguided belief that if I did well, then I would be celebrated. If I became impressive, then people would finally accept and like me.
And of course, my parents encouraged this behavior. I was rewarded for my hard work and I got good results for it too.
But outside of my home, nobody seemed to care about my results. I still wasn’t fitting in at school. I still didn’t have many friends. My strategy didn’t seem to be working.
So I worked even harder.
By the time I graduated from University, I had completely bought into society’s definition of being ‘impressive’ without even questioning it once. If it was a prize everyone wanted, I wanted it too.
My definition of being ‘impressive’ expanded to include looking good, dressing well, staying fit, and making good money in a highly-competitive field, even if I had zero passion for that profession.
By then, I’d long forgotten the reasons why I wanted to work hard to be impressive in the first place, other than “That’s just who I am.”
I was drifting further and further away from my true self, and I didn’t even know it.
For the next ten years, I spent a lot of my waking hours working as a financial analyst, studying for more degrees and certification, and chasing after the next shiny thing so I could sound even more impressive to others. Plus, I was making a decent income while doing so. Tick.
While on the surface I ticked a lot of those “impressive” boxes I had set out for myself, on the inside I felt emptier than ever. On the outside I looked successful, but on the inside, I felt like a complete failure.
What Happens When Your True Self Calls You to Come Back
Cracks started to emerge both in my work and in myself. It became challenging to fully show up for work as I increasingly asked myself: “What am I doing here?”
A soft inner voice whispered, “It’s time to get out of here, you’re not meant to be in finance. What are you doing here?” So I began questioning what I was doing with my life. I mean, if not that, what was I meant to do? I’d invested so much of my time and energy into my profession; I couldn’t just change directions. And who was this voice anyway? Where was it coming from?
My fake enthusiasm became harder and harder to keep up. This sinking feeling became more visceral by the day, and the feeling of not belonging in my workplace became increasingly obvious.
Yet I swallowed those feelings down with gritted teeth and kept pushing. Because what else was I meant to do if not keep persisting?
When I suddenly got fired it was an abrupt wakeup call. I needed to challenge everything I believed in and confront those big questions I’d put off answering for so long: “Who am I really?” and “What am I really about?”
What I Learned Through My Four-Year Journey of Self-Discovery
I spent the next couple of years immersing myself in a whole range of subjects that covered different angles on self-knowledge, in an attempt to answer the question “Who am I?”
For most of my seeking, I was still trying to find answers as if they resided outside of me. I was still trying to find where I belonged professionally.
But what started as a business journey quickly morphed into an inner-transformational journey that became deeply personal.
This deep inner work allowed me to reconnect to my internal guidance system and my true self once more.
Through this process I was able to take a good look at myself, confront my shadow side, heal my wounds of rejection, and forgive everyone involved, including myself.
As I’ve come home to my true self, I’ve realized a few things about the cost of chasing impressiveness:
When we chase after something external, we lose self-connection.
When I heard that soft, loving voice inside my head, it was a small glimpse of spiritual awakening. It was a momentary connection to my inner mentor’s light that seeped through my deep dark fog of disconnection.
We all have our own inner mentor, but we have choose to listen to it instead of trying to be who we think we’re supposed to be.
When we trust others more than we trust ourselves, we can end up giving our personal power away.
If we believe that the answers we seek lie outside of ourselves, we can forget to check in to see what’s true for us each individually. The more weight we put on other people’s opinions, the less we trust our own inner knowing.
People can only speak to what they know based on their own perspective, background, and life experiences. When we allow other people’s opinions to overpower the choices our true selves would otherwise make, we end up giving away our personal power.
I’ve found that it doesn’t matter how many well-meaning opinions we get; we need to find what resonates with us the most by checking in with our inner authority—which means going against what we learned growing up, when we were trained to ignore our inner voice and do what we were told.
The pursuit of ‘impressiveness’ is a hunger that can never be satisfied.
When we keep chasing after ‘impressiveness,’ we are in fact on a hedonic treadmill of always wanting more. As soon as we achieve one thing, we fixate on the next. We keep wanting bigger, better, and more.
As soon as we attain or do something, suddenly what we have isn’t good enough anymore, and so we must now keep up. We fall into the comparison trap. The external goalpost keeps moving. We keep looking over our shoulders to see how we’re tracking against everyone, and it becomes a tireless pursuit of keeping up with the Joneses with no real end in sight.Every ‘win’ is temporary.
We mistakenly see ‘impressiveness’ as proof that we’re worthy of love.
When we chase after ‘impressiveness’ we’re really chasing after validation, approval, and a sense of belonging. We think, “If I can be impressive then I can be accepted.” We want others to look up to us, praise us, and ultimately, love us.
However, the pursuit gets dangerous when we buy into the false belief that we have to work hard in order to prove we are worthy of love; that we need to become ‘impressive’ through our accomplishments and produce tangible proof of our worthiness.
I’ve noticed that a lot of high achievers, like myself, have bought into this belief, possibly due to the achievement-oriented upbringing we were exposed to from a very young age.
The danger is that it can become an acquisition addiction, and an arms race to get more degrees, more cars, more houses, more shoes, more toys, and so on.
We can become addicted to buying ‘cool’ things to impress other people, or work ourselves to the bone just to get those long lists of accolades instead of recognizing that we are inherently worthy of love. Regardless of what we have or have achieved.
We risk losing our individuality.
When we chase after external validation and approval, we compromise who we really are in exchange for more respect, more likes, more kudos from our peers. We showcase a more curated, ‘acceptable’ version of ourselves to the world, and we hide other parts of ourselves that we think might be rejected by others. Even worse, we end up chasing after things we don’t even really want.
Some of us inherit strong beliefs about what ‘success’ means and some of us strive toward pre-approved categories of impressiveness as defined by society, without checking in once to see whether these pathways to ‘success’ fit in with our true selves.
In the end, we lose our individuality—the essence of who we really are.
It requires self-connection to recognize what is true for us versus what is conditioned into us. It requires even more courage to step outside of these pre-approved paths to ‘impressiveness’ and live a life that aligns with our true selves.
How to Reclaim Your Authentic Self
I’ve discovered that breaking free from the illusion of ‘impressiveness’ and reclaiming your true self is really a constant two-step dance between recognition and courage.
1. Recognition
To reclaim your authentic self you have to recognize that you have disconnected from who you really are in the first place. Your achievements, your accomplishments, all the cool stuff that you own, and even your toned physique—they’re not who you really are.
2. Courage to be your true self
We have to have courage to stand in our truth and be our authentic selves. Recognition alone is not enough. For many of us, it’s the fear of disapproval that holds us back from stepping out of those curated, pre-approved categories that we have created for ourselves, and fully owning who we are, in all our beautiful, strange glory.
My wish is that this becomes your permission slip to fully step into who you really are and own it. Being your true self requires tremendous courage, but it’s worth it. And having the courage to fully embrace your true individuality in all its quirkiness? That’s impressive.
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What Happens When We Assume the Worst of People We Love
“Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think.” ~Unknown
There we were on a Saturday afternoon doing such benign things as running errands at Costco, Trader Joes, and the post office. Excitement galore.
Yet, it would be a day I came to a major realization, understanding something I already knew in theory but wasn’t putting into practice.
Here’s the realization: Mind reading in relationships leads to confusion, resentment, frustration, and name-calling.
I’m not talking about psychic mind reading either! I’m referring to the kind of mind reading that you likely do every day, all the time, likely without even realizing it.
Mind reading is when you assume you know what another person is thinking or feeling without direct evidence. In other words, you’re assuming their thoughts, beliefs, and intentions (and you’re usually assuming the worst).
Big mistake.
What Does Mind Reading Look Like?
Here’s an example from the day I mentioned at the start of the post: We went to Costco and got a few things, and I asked him if he wanted to grab some sushi for lunch after. “Nope. I’m good” was his reply.
“Hmmm. Well, thanks for asking me if I’m hungry,” I thought to myself. At this point I was sort of simmering in my own irritation but trying not to think about it.
I’ve been battling this theory in my mind that no one really cares about me or my needs at all and that everyone else on the planet is selfish twit.
So, another twenty minutes went by and he said, “We can go grab something small to eat if you want.”
Cool! I was starving. That red bull on an empty stomach sure didn’t help.
We needed to drop off the stuff at home first. As I was putting our groceries in the fridge, I pulled out two leftover sausages and threw them up on the counter to dump in the trash. We needed room and they looked icky.
He immediately grabbed the sausage and a plate and started cutting them into pieces.
I was mortified and pissed. What the hell????
All I could think to myself is, “He doesn’t care about me or if I’m hungry. He’s hungry, so he’s going to eat and he’s going to do what he wants like he always does. Jerk.”
My mind leapt right to it. I went right to assuming bad intentions and to assuming he doesn’t care about me or my needs. Quite a leap from him eating two sausages, I know.
But instead of saying, “I’m hungry. I thought we were going to go eat. What’s up?” I yelled at him and blurted out, “It seems like you don’t care about me and the fact that I’m hungry, and you’re going to do what you want and you only care about yourself and you’re being a selfish jerk.”
Oooops.
What’s the Truth?
His response was to look at me like a deer in headlights because he had absolutely no idea what I was getting so mad about, why I was yelling, or why he was suddenly a selfish jerk.
At first, I was happy with myself. I had told him my feelings, right? I had stood up for myself. I had told him how I felt instead of pretending I wasn’t mad and always letting everything be okay. This was good, right?
Actually, no, it wasn’t good.
I had to stomp around for a while and simmer down, but as time went on, I realized we needed to resolve the issue, so I calmly asked him if he understood why I was upset.
Of course, he didn’t. I tried to explain my side and where I was coming from and how my feelings were hurt by his insensitivity, but as he kept talking, I concluded that the issue wasn’t him being selfish. The issue was that I misunderstood him. I assumed he was being selfish. I inferred negative behavior toward him when all he wanted was a sausage.
The truth is he thought I was putting the sausage up there for him to eat. He would eat the two sausage, still be hungry, and then we’d go have lunch. No harm. No foul.
The poor guy thought he was doing what I wanted him to do and instead I called him names. My bad.
I realized that my natural inclination to think that people are out to get me (which stems from childhood sexual abuse) is a problem, and that it’s my job to curtail this problem and stop acting out on it. I may feel a certain way, but that doesn’t make those feelings true.
I need to be more careful about assuming the worst in my partner, and I need to be better at communicating my feelings more effectively (that’s an entirely different post).
What to Do Instead of Assuming the Worst
If you can relate to my story, first, you should try to remember that most people have good intentions. We all act to increase pleasure and avoid pain, and very few people go out with the intention to hurt you. Even when people do hurt you, they are likely still acting with good intentions for themselves rather than bad intention toward you.
This doesn’t mean you put up with an abuser or a toxic relationship. It means when you are in a relationship with someone who cares but doesn’t always get it right according to your grand plan of the way the world should be, you stop assuming their intentions (especially if they’re negative), you give them the benefit of the doubt, and when in doubt, you ask.
If you go around assuming the worst about your partner, you’ll get the worst.
If you assume your partner doesn’t care about you, then you’ll end up with someone who doesn’t care about you.
If you assume you know what your partner is thinking, think again.
If you assume your partner knows what you’re thinking, think again.
We go around assuming everyone else lives in our model of the world, and that’s just ridiculous. You have your childhood, your life experiences, your intelligence, your beliefs, and your emotional make-up, and everyone else has theirs.
What we need is more compassion and understanding, and less mind reading and negativity.
The truth is our entire argument (one-sided though it was) was based on a miscommunication and misunderstanding of the facts in evidence. The only true facts were 1. I put sausage out on the counter and 2. He started cutting up the sausage.
Everything else was a complete assumption on my part.
So, think about it next time you get upset with your partner. Do the facts support your belief(s), or are you assuming you know how they feel or why they’re acting the way they are? Are you assuming the worst of them, or are you assured that they care but maybe just suck at showing it the way you expect it?
Only you have the power to control your thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Only you can seek to create a harmonious rather than a contentious relationship.
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I Hear You: A Must-Read Book for Stronger, Happier Relationships
Have you ever felt like someone was listening to you but not really hearing you—or worse, not even fully listening?
Maybe they were more looking through you than at you, just kind of zoning out, all the while nodding, as if taking in what you were saying, but not. Or even worse still, maybe they weren’t giving you any signs of engagement, but rather alternating between glances up at you and glimpses down at their phone.
It’s rare these days to get someone’s full attention, and even more difficult to end a conversation feeling truly heard and understood—as if the other person not only got what you were saying but also empathized with your feelings.
These are the kinds of conversations that fuel us, soothe us, and build stronger bonds, and yet they’re not easy to come by.
To some degree it’s because we all have a tendency to get wrapped up in our own problems and caught up in our own emotions. But it’s also because this is a skill we’re never taught.
In all our years of formal education, no one ever explores the art and power of listening, understanding, and validating other people.
And no one outlines what it looks, sounds, and feels like to communicate with focus and empathy so we can create the kind of deeply fulfilling connections that make everything in life feel more manageable.
I believe these are the kind of conversations that can change and even save lives.
When we feel heard and understood, we feel calmer, more confident, and more comfortable with our own feelings—which means we’re less apt to fall into self-destructive patterns as a means to escape them.
We also feel closer to the people who are validating us, since we know we can trust them and truly let them in to our complex inner workings.
That’s why I’m excited to share with you Michael Sorensen’s powerful new book I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships.
I consider myself a highly empathetic person, who naturally seeks to understand and validate others, and yet I still found this book to be tremendously valuable.
In just 137 pages, Michael has outlined everything we need to know to communicate empathetically, both in personal and professional relationships, which will enable us to:
- Strengthen our connections
- Minimize conflict and unnecessary drama
- Provide support and encouragement when we don’t know how to fix other people’s problems
- Help more than we could by offering unsolicited advice
- Create relief in conversations that may have otherwise felt tense
- Help others feel safe and loved
- Become the kind of person everyone wants in their life
As a sleep-deprived new mother navigating the consuming world of parenthood with an equally exhausted partner, I’ve had plenty of recent experience communicating poorly.
If you’re a parent, you’re perhaps familiar with the frustration and resentment that can quickly build up as you’re establishing how you and your partner will carry this joyful-yet-heavy new load together.
It’s easy to fall into blame mode when you’re juggling more than feels manageable and sifting through a range of messy emotions, with only brief windows of relief.
I’ve ended many a conversation feeling both annoyed and guilty, and consequently, less connected to my partner than usual—at a time when I’d rather be basking in shared bliss.
But Michael’s book helped me see how he and I were invalidating each other, which kept us both stuck in frustration and defensiveness.
The crazy thing is that we both had good intentions and had no idea what we were doing to so consistently inflame each other. Our hearts were in the right place, but we constantly felt like we were saying the wrong things and just getting each other more upset.
Michael’s four-step validation method may be simple, but it’s powerful because it enables us to provide to the people we love the one thing we all want most: the comfort of understanding.
It won’t solve all of our problems or give us the power to solve everyone else’s, but it will help us create relief instead of adding to a growing sense of tension.
It won’t eliminate differences of opinion, but it can help us learn to hold another’s without invalidating our own.
I especially appreciate that Michael peppered the book with real-world examples to help us apply this formula in varied situations. It’s easy to understand something intellectually but far more difficult to put it into practice, especially when emotions are running high. In tandem, the steps and examples shared in the book can serve as a wonderful blueprint for avoiding and defusing difficult conversations, even when navigating overwhelming feelings.
I don’t read many books these days because my time has become far more limited, but I’m glad I added I Hear You to my reading list. It’s a quick read that I know will have a long-lasting impact on my relationships and my life, and I suspect it can do the same for you.
If you’re interested in grabbing a copy, you can get one on Amazon here.
**Though this is a sponsored post, with an affiliate link, you can trust that I only promote products and services I truly believe in. As my review conveys, I Hear You fits the bill!
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Being Shy Made Me Strong, and It Can Do the Same for You
“Never assume that loud is strong and quiet is weak.” ~Unknown
This quote seems counterintuitive, right?
For many years, I, too, scoffed at the idea.
Having dealt with crippling shyness throughout my life, I know firsthand what it’s like to feel weak, powerless, and trapped because of it.
As a child, I remember clinging to my mom’s leg and using her body to hide from strangers. Then, as I got older, this shy behavior manifested into a fear of speaking my mind, interacting with others, putting myself out there, and so on and so forth.
My quiet and timid nature led to me being known as “the shy girl,” a label that followed me through my formative years and made me feel stuck inside a box of limitations throughout my adult life.
During these years, my shyness did nothing but hold me back from being who I wanted to be. It felt like a dark cloud hanging over me, and I couldn’t escape.
Until, one day, I realized that being shy got me nowhere. I was living a life of loneliness and fear where I had no close friends, no social life, and no happiness.
I refused to allow myself to fall victim to being shy. So I chose to do something about it.
Looking back, it’s been a long road to get where I am today, but I can honestly say that I’m a stronger person because of what I went through as a result of all of it. I’m thankful I went through the challenges that come with being a shy person because it forced me to make a choice: shrink or grow.
So if you, too, are dealing with debilitating shyness, here are some things that may help.
Challenge yourself.
Feeling stuck? Then it’s time to shake things up.
If you’re extremely shy then, chances are, you’re scared to put yourself out there. And why would you? Especially when your comfort zone is just so comfortable.
I know what that’s like because I’ve been there myself. It’s easier to live your life within the confines of what’s familiar because there are no risks and no surprises. But there’s also nothing to be gained from an unchallenged life.
From a young age, I recognized that my big ambitions were tethered on a short leash because of my shy nature. I was never going to reach any of my goals if I kept living my life in fear. And that thought alone scared me more than the thought of putting myself out there.
For that reason, I saw my transition from middle school student to high school freshman as an opportunity for a fresh start. I knew I wanted to do something I never had the guts to do before.
So I decided to take a theater class offered by my school. I saw it as the perfect challenge because, not only was it completely out of character, the mere thought of performing on stage terrified me.
What better way to help me break out of my shell than taking a class that involves speaking in front of an audience?
Skipping ahead to my first performance, I remember my face being beet red, my palms were sweaty, my heart was beating out of my chest, and my anxiety was through the roof. I was in fight-or-flight mode and, and while I would normally choose flight, this time I was determined to fight throughout.
At the end of the performance, I felt an amazing rush. It didn’t matter how I did or what people thought. All that mattered is that I pushed through my fears and did it.
I saw this as a huge victory in the battle against my shyness.
So if you want to take a step toward overcoming your shyness, then it’s time to step outside of your comfort zone. Do something that scares you. Think of an activity you’ve always wanted to do but never had the guts to try and start there.
It’s terrifying, and chances are you’ll second-guess yourself throughout the entire process, but what you feel once you get through it will make all of the anxiety worth it in the end.
Don’t give up.
While theater classes helped me learn to face some of the challenges that came with my shyness, it wasn’t until college where I really broke out of my shell.
As you can probably imagine, social situations were a nightmare for me because of how shy I was around others. I didn’t know how to connect with people and, more importantly, I was scared to try.
My life up to this point consisted of a nonexistent social life and friends who were mostly just classmates or acquaintances.
However, that changed when I took a job at a local restaurant.
At first, I despised the job. Everyone seemed so close and I felt like I didn’t fit in, which is why, within the first week, I wanted nothing more than to give up and quit
All of my life I’ve felt like an outsider, so I assumed that this would be no different. Despite that feeling, though, something told me that I needed to stick it out and stay.
So I did. And it paid off.
Over the next few months, I became more comfortable talking to my coworkers, which turned into spending time together on lunch breaks and then getting together after work hours. Pretty soon, these people who were once nothing more than strangers to me became the friends I had longed for throughout my life.
Because I stuck it out and pushed through the discomfort and fear, I was no longer an outsider and I loved my job. It was a complete 180 from where I was when I first started working there, and all it took was patience and effort.
This experience taught me that anything worth having takes persistence. A self-defeating attitude will only keep you trapped within the limitations of your shy tendencies.
If I had given up, I would have never met the people who became my closest friends, and still are more than a decade later.
So when the going gets tough, dig deep and push through it. Changing a pattern like shyness is no easy task, but if you don’t give up, you could end up with something amazing.
Practice makes perfect.
Change doesn’t happen overnight.
In order to break away from your shy tendencies, you need to do more of what gets you out of your comfort zone.
For me, that’s socializing.
Because of my shy, introverted nature, I’m typically more comfortable being by myself and, as a result, I tend to withdraw from others.
Yet, despite those tendencies, deep down, I’ve always wanted to be a social person, somebody who’s confident in social situations and has no problem approaching people.
So I decided that I was going to practice.
Coincidentally, all of this took place after my twenty-first birthday, so the nights out on the town with my friends became a way for me to practice my social skills.
I’ll admit, at first I felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable. In the presence of large crowds, I would typically shrink down and avoid talking to others. Because these skills didn’t come naturally for me, it took some time for me to break away from those habits, but eventually, I did.
I continued to push myself to talk to strangers whenever I would go out with my friends. Granted, this was a lot easier considering that the people I spoke to were typically a few drinks in, but it still did the job.
Pretty soon, the thought of approaching someone and having a conversation wasn’t as scary as it once was in the past. In fact, I actually started to enjoy it.
I like to think of social skills like a muscle in the body. It may start out weak and exercising it can be painful, but the more you work out that muscle, the more it grows and the easier the exercise gets.
Shyness can be debilitating if you let it take over your life. So practice socializing, having conversations, approaching people and anything else your shyness holds you back from doing. While it can seem impossible to overcome at times, with practice, you can come out on top.
If I can do it, you can too.
After spending most of my life feeling like a victim to my shyness, I now appreciate that it made me stronger. That’s because, as a shy person, it takes so much more effort and energy to put yourself out there. It’s going against familiar habits and causing friction that, hopefully, results in change.
It’s easy to succumb to shyness, to stay within your comfort zone, and to be controlled by fear. And anyone who has pushed through and challenged those tendencies in order to live a fulfilled life knows that it takes a tremendous amount of work. It’s a constant uphill battle, but it does get easier if you’re willing to push through.
So challenge yourself, don’t give up and practice.
It’s time to own your shyness instead of letting it own you.
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I Thought It Was Love, But It Was Actually Abuse
“Alone doesn’t always mean lonely. Relationship doesn’t always mean happy. Being alone will never cause as much loneliness as being in the wrong relationship.” ~Unknown
I don’t know if it’s the conditioning of Disney movies that makes every young girl dream of finding her Prince Charming, but that was my experience. My prince entered my life just like that, saving me from my boredom and taking me on a roller coaster of excitement. He assured me that our love was going to last forever, and the naivety of being sixteen made me believe him.
It didn’t take long for his true colors to emerge; sadly, it took me longer to see them.
I thought the control was over-protectiveness. I thought he cared when he told me what to wear, who I could associate with, and where I could go. The Neanderthal behavior must have touched something primitive in me, and I was overwhelmed with the urge to please.
Quickly, I went from princess to property. He shouted at me, berated me, and mentally tortured me. And I thought I was being loved.
To anyone who has never been in this situation, the words “run, Forest, run” might come to mind. However, we say this from an adult perspective, older and wiser. When you’ve been brainwashed since you were sixteen, it takes more than a quote from a movie to see sense.
Everything became an argument. Every argument taught me to walk on eggshells. If I didn’t conform, he would ignore me. If I refused to listen, he would isolate me. If I cried, he would scream at me. If I had no emotion, he would play the victim.
I thought I could make him better. I thought he would receive the love from me that he was lacking elsewhere and that this would make him change.
I thought wrong.
Nearly fifteen years later, I am the one who holds a lifetime worth of memories that I can’t forget, and I’ve had to recondition myself into believing that this is not my fault. No amount of “what ifs” can change a person’s innate morality. Mentally and emotionally healthy people do not try to make others feel unworthy of love and dress it up to be love.
If you asked me to define love, I would tell you it is the ability to be unselfish. To be willing to put others first and sacrifice your needs and desires at times. More importantly, love needs to be reciprocated.
But when I was with my ex, I felt as though I had to work hard to receive love. I needed to shut myself, my thoughts, and my feelings down and simply become a doormat, or else he’d emotionally abandon me.
So, I tried that. I became a “yes” woman. I lost myself in the world of conformity, and it still wasn’t enough. He accused me of being unfeeling, emotionless, and devoid of passion. So, I changed again. I tried to become more like him. I would scream and shout to try and gain control, and then he called me manipulative and psychotic.
I tried to combine the two. I tried to be religious. I tried to be a party-goer. I tried to be dominant. I tried to be submissive.
Nothing worked.
I cried, begged, and pleaded to be treated like a human. I asked for compassion but received cruelty. I asked for love and had to be satisfied with lust. I wanted hope but felt hopeless. Until I realized that I was asking for something that he was unable to give me.
A narcissist is incapable of recognizing the needs of another. He/she cannot fathom that people have emotions, unless they are used as a method of control. They thrive on the idea that you believe in them and, rather than granting you equality, they manipulate you into believing that the scraps they throw you are the only ones you deserve.
He told me countless times that he loved me, so why have I spent the last decade and a half repeatedly asking the same question, “Do you really love me?”
If he loved me, how could he not understand my pain? How could he be okay with knowing I felt so low? How could he constantly betray me? Why couldn’t he make the same sacrifices as me? Why couldn’t he just be the person I first fell in love with?
The answer to those questions is simple: The narcissist is a multi-faceted creature, a chameleon who adapts to your weaknesses and uses them to maintain a position of strength. Because of their personality disorder, they are lacking in the qualities that make you who you are.
They are determined to keep you in a position of subordination because this feeds their need to feel superior, and when you fight to break out of that role, they leave.
They show you good times to ensure that you feel indebted to them and to make you yearn for them once again. They make up and break up with you so often that you may find it hard to move on. If you do, you likely feel distrusting of people, making you an incomplete partner for a mentally and emotionally healthy human being.
After a breakup, we often try to make ourselves whole by seeking another, the biggest mistake we could possibly make. Would you purchase an item with pieces missing?
It’s a little crude to compare a human being to an object, but we cannot expect to ‘move on’ if we are seeking to replace the void left by a narcissist.
Moving on shouldn’t mean jumping into a relationship with another human. It should mean taking responsibility for why we stayed in this unhealthy situation, recognizing what needs to be addressed and healed within ourselves, and moving on mentally from our trauma.
My trauma originated from never knowing my father. I yearned for someone who would fulfill the role of a protector. At the beginning, my ex did. It didn’t matter how many times we argued, I knew that he would always fight in my corner, and that made me feel safe. Eventually, the cons outweighed the pros and I knew that I had to break free.
Now that I’m on my own, I have days when I wake up and forget that I am no longer in this toxicity, I have days where I remember the good times, and I have days when I regret laying eyes on him. However, my days are no longer concerned with how I stand in relation to him.
I wake up and wonder what I am going to do today. I actively pursue my dreams of being a writer, or I focus on other ways I can improve my life. I research my MARs (Masters by research) topic, I cook the food I like, I wear the clothes that I look good in. Small victories for some, milestones for a victim of narcissism.
I pray, I meditate, I exercise, and I write. Most importantly, every day I heal. I take back a part of my life that I lost because I made the mistake of trusting the wrong person with my heart.
I rebuild the relationships I lost when I gave in to his attempts to isolate me from my friends and family—because I didn’t want to argue and because I was ashamed that, for all my outward strength and intellect, I couldn’t find the courage to leave.
I cut out the unhealthy influences from my life, and if I can’t, I distance myself from them. I refuse to regress to the lost teenage girl and instead, harness the energy of a strong, powerful, and determined woman. I refuse to conform to the idea that a woman is “past her sell by date” and reject the notions of commodifying humans.
I also reconnect with who I am beyond my roles. I’m more than someone’s mother, daughter, niece, and grandchild. I am a writer. I am a creator. I am a dreamer.
There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Sometimes we need to be alone to truly rediscover ourselves. The relationship between you and yourself is more important than any other.
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Never Forget That You Have the Power to Choose
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Dedicate today to the power of choice. Your choice. You can’t choose everything that you experience in life, but what you can choose is mightier than any circumstance, outcome, or other person’s opinion.
Where you focus your mind, how you use your words, and how you treat yourself and others are all up to you. One chapter at a time, you write your own story.
We all have the power to choose what we absorb and what we release. We ultimately decide what we share, what we keep, and what we let go. How long we stay mad and how long we wait to reach for hope, when we say yes and when we say no, and how long we say only what others want to hear are all up to us. Whether we see the world with gratitude or resentment begins with a choice.
It’s not that anyone chooses pain, though. I can’t think of a single person who’d choose despair or insecurity. No one elects shame to be their shadow. Not even boredom is a choice. We just forget our power sometimes or maybe underestimate the power of our intentions.
For me, forgetting is a quick slide into control or fear. Every doubt, complaint, and fear leads me directly to more to doubt, complain about, and fear. The pressure builds. Tension rises. And even then, as much as I hate to admit it when I’m steeping in it, I have a choice.
I can choose how closely I pay attention to my thoughts and how I respond to what I feel. Even if hours go by, days, years, it’s never too late to make a different choice.
My husband will be the first to tell you that I can hold on to things. I spent months holding on to a comment a friend made about my writing. I mentioned to her that I felt stuck on a project, and she told me, “It’s not it’s like real work. You don’t actually have to do it.”
I was seething when she said this but didn’t say a word about it to her. I’d let the comment go for a few days, saying “it’s fine,” but as soon as her name came up? That was all I could think about.
I can go even further back than that. When I was about six, a little boy on the bus called me a hag. It may seem like a small thing for first graders to tease each other, but I cannot tell you how many ways that one comment has worked its way into my self-image since then. At times I thought it was hopelessly stuck in my psyche. And still, thirty years later, I somehow made the choice to process and resolve that memory.
It’s never too late to choose.
When I remember the power of my intention, no matter how long it takes me, I come back home to myself with deepened perspective and goodwill. My choices soften the anger, fear, and sorrow I once felt. Remembering my power to choose restores the gentleness in my step and words. I see a completely new world around me.
From that place of remembering, all the positive, empowering choices available to me emerge from the mental fog. I can choose to ask a question, solve a problem, or call for help. I can choose to take a walk, meditate, have a snack, water the flowers, or count my blessings.
Each positive step leads to more and more positive choices.
So many things are out of my control, and I’m learning to let go of wanting it to be otherwise. I understand now that this only happens through my choice.
I’ve historically wanted to follow a plan, not go with the flow. And I’ve depended on those plans going off without a hitch to feel safe.
Here’s an example: When my husband mentioned finding a new job a few years back, I wanted to know all the details. No, I wanted more than that. I wanted to be so involved in the process that I knew exactly what was going on. When he didn’t get a new job, I wanted to know why and what this meant.
Of course, life doesn’t work that way, and by hanging my security on details I couldn’t control, I gave away my own power.
When I could acknowledge that pattern, I opened myself up to choosing differently. If I want more certainty, I can choose to look for the things I trust like my values, strengths, and the learning process rather than the things that could go wrong. If I want to feel more at peace, I can choose to speak to myself with more kindness not more criticism. Above all else, I can choose to have my own back no matter what.
What I’m learning from this is there’s so much to be deliberate about and so many ways to choose.
You can choose to set a small boundary when you’re exhausted from keeping the peace.
I choose to be true to myself. May my honesty restore what’s been depleted.
You can choose to broadcast loving-kindness when you see the images of suffering in the news.
May all beings be safe from harm. May all beings return to peace. May all beings find freedom.
You can choose to acknowledge our shared human experience when you feel most alone.
In this moment, I remember that in my joy and suffering, I am connected to all of humankind.
And when you’re on top of the world, you can choose to bask in it.
I dedicate this moment to the deep gratitude I feel. I choose to delight in this joy today.
There’s always something you can choose. So, choose soothing, however you’re able. Choose to look for things to feel good about. And if nothing else, choose to be as intentional as you can. Always with acceptance for the part of you that forgets.
Starting now, starting small, remind yourself of your power to choose. Here’s how:
Begin with yourself.
Offer whatever you have on you right now—your beating heart, your breath, your hands, your eyes reading these words—to your power to choose. With that power, dedicate this moment in time to your health or happiness, to a new story, or anything that resonates with you.
I dedicate this breath to my happiness.
I dedicate this day to my health.
With every word I read, may I remember my power to choose.
From there, if you feel inspired, add on to it with another choice: Take a positive step that supports your health and happiness. Make plans to do the same tomorrow.
If no step calls out to you, that’s okay. Smile and thank yourself for this choice all the same.
Next, focus your power to choose on someone you love.
For just a moment, offer whatever is within reach to them.
I dedicate this hour to the people I love the most. May the beating of my heart bestow health, happiness, and security upon them.
Again, build on this intention with a choice if it feels right. Pick up the phone, lend a helping hand, or send a quick text.
If no action is needed or accessible now, that’s okay. Smile and imagine them receiving your dedication all the same.
You can extend your power to choose as far out as you like.
Dedicate every step you take crossing the street to the well-being of all passersby. Then, add on as appropriate with another choice. Smile at them. Make eye contact. Mentally send them positive wishes for their day.
Devote your commute today to bringing harmony to a challenging relationship. If it feels accessible, make another choice. List their positive traits. Name one way you could respond differently. Forgive if you’re able and willing. If nothing else, choose to be alert to how your attention feeds your internal experience of conflict and choose to nurture something new.
With your power to choose, give a voice to your deepest wishes for the planet and all who inhabit it. Go as big as you like.
I dedicate my words today to the message of love. May all who I encounter receive this message and help me spread it through their words. May this message proliferate and reach all beings.
I send my love to the planet. May I aid in the purification of the air, the restoration of our oceans, and the health of all creatures in whatever way is available to me today.
And then, take whatever action presents itself to you. If no action is available, that’s okay. Smile and know that you’ve strengthened your power to choose all the same.
If a choice resonates with you, stay with it. Work with it for as long as it feels right. It could be a day, a week, a month, or more. Expand on it with more choices as is appropriate for you in your current situation.
Pay attention to what happens as you practice this. Perhaps you’ll notice new ideas flowing more easily. Maybe you’ll feel motivated to take a positive step you’ve put off for a while. If all that happens is feeling more awake and empowered, then it’s well worth the effort!
No matter what arises in your day or in your heart, remember there’s always something you can choose. May we all remember the power we have.
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How to Free Yourself from Your Spiritual Drama
“You have no friends. You have no enemies. You only have teachers.” ~Ancient Proverb
My very wise aunt, a talented psychotherapist and one of my spiritual teachers, has told me many times that the people, places, and things that trigger us are just “props in our spiritual drama.”
This phrase has stuck with me for years because it’s catchy and it rings so true to me. If we are struggling, it’s not a matter of the external force, it’s about what it provokes in us.
We don’t heal by trying to change others. We heal through breaking cycles; through knowing and honoring ourselves by creating healthy boundaries, processing the past, and living presently to make different choices.
We don’t grow by staying in the same circumstances and hoping they will be different, or by leaving one set of circumstances only to repeat the same patterns with new people and places. We grow by stepping out of our inner default programming and into discomfort, and by consciously shifting away from the patterns we know and choosing different environments and dynamics.
The people, places, and things that come into our lives are there for our spiritual journey, learning, and evolution. We can use these ‘props’ for good, we can use them to stay stuck, or we can use them to spiral down. As adults, the choice is ours.
The props in our spiritual drama are what trigger us the most. They may be people, situations, or even certain qualities we notice in strangers.
My most challenging relationship is with my father, and while I could get stuck in that hardship story, I believe that he was placed in that role to assist me in the lessons I needed to learn while growing up and into young adulthood.
The guy that I just dated, who I fell hard and quick for, was a prop in my relationship practice and process in continuing to clearly define what I want in a partner and what healthy boundaries I need to set.
When I feel pain in my heart and want to stand up for the child who is being yelled at by a stressed mother on the subway, it shows me my own emotional hurt and the ways I haven’t expressed my truth about how my young inner child was treated poorly.
When I feel anger when confronted with economic inequality, inconsideration/lack of caring, and other injustices in this world, it teaches me that I am not doing enough to feel satisfied and proud of the ways in which I contribute positively to society.
Anything that I have not made peace with, found forgiveness around, or worked out within me yet continues to be a prop that encourages my spiritual growth.
As I’ve contemplated the props in my spiritual drama, I trust they are there to assist me on my path.
Challenging people and situations can be very difficult to live with and through, but I believe they serve an important purpose. If we are conscious and choose to move toward growth, freedom, and love, we can take this adversity and turn it into empowerment so we are more capable of being our best selves.
Two main points have stuck out to me as I try to evolve through my spiritual drama.
1. Situations repeat themselves until we learn the lessons.
The lesson is ours to be learned, so if we don’t learn it the first or the tenth time, the pattern will continue in a vicious cycle until we finally get the message and choose a different way.
Sometimes if we examine where or by whom we are triggered, the lesson is clear right away. Other times we need some guidance because we recognize something doesn’t feel right, yet we can’t get out of our own way enough to see it clearly.
Friends, mentors, and family members we have healthy relationships with can be great at helping us understand our cycles and patterns so we can break free. Other times, we need to go within.
When confronted with a low point, we have the opportunity to acknowledge what isn’t working and figure out in what direction our gut wisdom is guiding us.
Personally, I had a habit of choosing men who were very passionate about their career or a serious hobby, and they would prioritize this passion over me, which led me to feeling hurt and uncared about.
When I held up the mirror to examine myself deeply, I was able to see that as long as I wasn’t prioritizing myself and showing up to fully love for myself, I would attract partners who would partially reject me in the same way.
A second layer of this was that I was subconsciously living vicariously through my partners’ aliveness and passion because I was missing that in my own life. Once I developed my own passions and started doing work I love, the need to feel this joy vicariously faded away and I started desiring partners who are more balanced and can have multiple priorities.
The change may be uncomfortable, but usually quite rewarding in the end. And the discomfort we feel moving into the unknown is better than the despair we feel when repeating the same pattern over and over and staying miserable in the ‘known.’
2. Our triggers can help us discover unmet needs, and meet them.
Oftentimes we feel triggered by certain people, qualities, or situations because they represent ways we feel consciously or subconsciously uncared for, attacked, neglected, and rejected.
For example, let’s say your boss gives you some constructive feedback regarding your work, and you feel like it’s a personal attack or a criticism instead of feedback intended to support you to help you succeed.
In this scenario, instead of feeling attacked or rejected by your boss, you could ask yourself why you’re feeling such intense emotion. Is it because you’re hypercritical of yourself? Or do you feel shamed for not getting praise or approval because that’s a pattern you were taught growing up? In this instance, the trigger might teach you that you need your own approval.
The more we can meet our own needs and lovingly re-parent ourselves, the more these triggers will fall away. So the inquiry becomes the key to moving through this spiritual drama.
We need to ask why to understand our triggers more deeply, shift the immediate emotional response to curiosity, and eventually release the trigger by clearing past baggage and learning the lesson to show up for ourselves differently.
Whenever, I’m feeling particularly triggered by a person or behavior, I take a few minutes to sit quietly, go within, and ask myself what it’s about and what I need to do to take care of myself.
Maybe my inner child needs some reassurance that she is safe and loved.
Maybe my body needs some relaxation because my nervous system is over-stimulated or stressed.
Maybe I need to play, dance, and move energy through my body because I’ve been too much in do/go/on mode.
Once I take care of my own needs, I’m not focused on the other, the prop, the trigger anymore. I am peaceful and present.
This realization has served as a helpful reminder as I’ve moved through my life and felt the range of emotions that have come up. It’s never all about the other person; on some level, it’s about me. It serves me well to keep the focus on myself, what’s going on for me when the triggers come up, and what I can learn and process so that those triggers no longer live inside my body, mind, and soul.
As we own and clear what is within us, the props in our spiritual drama fall away and we become lighter and can live more peacefully.
May this serve you and may you be free.
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The Power of Saying No (Even to People You Love)
“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho
“Yes, of course.”
“Yes, that’s no trouble at all.”
“Yes, I can do that.”
“Yes, I’d love to help.”
Yes, yes, yes. “Yes” seemed to be the key word in my relationships with partners, family, friends, and colleagues.
I wanted to be helpful, kind, and thoughtful; I wanted to be there when people needed me. I didn’t want to let them down or disappoint or displease them. I spent a lot of my time devoted to my self-image as a capable, nice person who could be relied on. As a people-pleaser, I held niceness close to my heart.
Unsurprisingly, people always assumed I’d drop everything to help them or do what they wanted me to do. They were used to me giving up my time for them and putting their needs and wants before my own.
This was especially the case in my close relationships, in which I found it hardest to say no.
I grew up believing saying no to others was negative, unhelpful, and selfish.
As a child, I was often told not to cause a fuss or bother anyone and to expect very little. As a result, I believed that others were worthier than me and that their needs and wishes should take precedence over mine. I felt guilty for saying what I wanted or how I felt, as if I had no right to do so.
Unsurprisingly, I found it difficult to voice my opinions and needs, and I believed that what I thought, felt, and wanted wasn’t important.
I was also fearful of confrontation and avoided it at all costs. Saying no risked provoking someone’s anger and making them think badly of me. It meant possible abandonment, the withdrawal of approval and love. So it seemed far safer and easier to say yes, even if I wanted to say no.
My readiness to say yes certainly didn’t gain me other people’s respect or consideration. Even though I consistently gave a lot more than I received in return and often felt hurt, resentful, and unappreciated, I kept saying yes.
My habit of people-pleasing attracted into my life the sort of people who disrespected and used me. This included a relationship with a guy who turned out to be a bully.
Throughout our time together, I went along with whatever he wanted. I kept saying yes to the relationship despite the fact that he emotionally and psychologically mistreated me. I kept putting his needs and happiness before my own, and of course he had no respect for me. Why would he when it seemed I had no respect for myself?
It was only when things became unbearable and I got sick that I knew I had to say no to the relationship and start saying yes to myself.
My inability to say no had created a great deal of inner turmoil, which had obviously impacted my physical and emotional health. I realized I had to say no to a lot of things and a lot of people in order to heal myself and protect my well-being.
The end of my dysfunctional relationship made me see that it’s often in our closest connections that we most need to practice saying no because we often maintain unclear or flexible boundaries with the people we’re closest to.
Say No to a Lack of Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for healthy connections and show that you respect yourself and your partner. It’s through boundaries and our ability to say no to each other that we come to know our partners better and also connect with them more deeply. When we can freely voice our opinions, we meet as equals.
People-pleasers often have a hard time setting boundaries, and this was certainly the case for me. We can develop a blurred sense of where our boundaries lie, if we have bothered to give serious thought to them in the first place.
I realized that I had to set boundaries before I embarked on another relationship.
I had to build up my confidence and begin to trust myself. I needed to work out what I liked and disliked, what I wanted and didn’t want, and where exactly my line would be crossed.
I knew that if I continued to have hazy boundaries, I would remain vulnerable to mistreatment and would continue to attract into my life people like my ex-boyfriend.
Say No to Inauthenticity
I had mistakenly thought going along with what other people wanted would mean less disagreement and conflict. I thought it was good for my relationships, but in fact the opposite was true.
Whenever I said yes in a powerless way, I was being inauthentic to myself and the other person. There was little honesty in many of the yeses I said.
My need to be liked and approved of and to please the other person overshadowed my need to be true to myself.
Suppressing my wants and needs meant that my partner could not know the real me. None of us are mind readers, so they could only guess what they thought I wanted, and most of the time they assumed I wanted what they wanted because I never said otherwise.
When we don’t feel able to voice our wants and needs in a relationship, our connection lacks true intimacy. If we cannot be open to our partner, how can we be closely connected? If we continually hold a part of ourselves back from our loved ones, either from fear of conflict or a reluctance to drop our mask of “niceness,” we create inauthentic connections that cannot grow into something deeper and stronger.
Intimacy cannot flourish from pretense, only authenticity.
Say No to Self-Sacrifice and Being a Martyr
In the past, I sometimes said yes reluctantly and with little enthusiasm, which, of course, didn’t please the other person. This went against my intention to minimize any conflict.
These yeses were tinged with martyrdom; I felt I was sacrificing my time and energy. I was often bored doing things I didn’t want to do, all of which took away time I could never get back.
When you feel obligated to agree to do something you don’t want to do, it usually backfires on you. You end up feeling resentful of the person who asked you in the first place, and you resent yourself and your weakness. The help you offer will lack genuineness, and people will be able to sense your unhappiness and resentment.
I learned that in every relationship there must be compromise rather than one partner’s continual self-sacrifice.
Say No to Catastrophizing
People who have a hard time saying no are often worried about other people’s reactions and feelings. They tend to build up in their imagination all sorts of negative scenarios resulting from saying no.
Yet we are not responsible for others’ reactions to what we say or do; the only reactions and emotions we can control are our own. This was a revelation to me, taking into account my childhood conditioning.
When we catastrophize a partner’s reaction to our “no,” we show a lack of faith in their ability to respond like a reasonable person, and it reveals that we don’t really know or trust them.
Would your partner be so angry if you dared to voice your opinion that they would actually leave you or stop loving you? If so, what do these reactions say about them? Would you want to be with someone like that anyway? If they prefer you to be a doormat and always compliant, what does this say about their view of relationships?
If you say yes out of fear, you need to look at what makes you fearful in your relationship. Fear is an indication of a power imbalance and therefore an unequal relationship. There is a big difference between being afraid of your partner and being afraid of their opinion of you if you say no. Their disappointment in your no is based on their expectations of hearing a yes.
If your partner is so averse to you voicing your wants and needs, you should leave that relationship. You cannot stay with someone who thinks their needs and wants are more important than yours. It’s not good for your self-esteem and, as I discovered, your health.
Say No to Draining Situations and People
There is a lot of positive power in using no in the right way. You don’t say no to purposely hurt others; you say no to protect yourself from people and situations that can hurt you.
When you say no to draining people and situations, you open up the space for positive energy and relationships to enter your life. It allows more worthwhile activities and opportunities to come your way.
Your no creates the necessary boundaries that give you time for yourself, time to focus on your self-care and interests and what matters most to you. You’ll also have extra time and energy to help people you genuinely care about in a much more meaningful way.
I had to cut ties with certain people, realizing they didn’t contribute anything but negativity to my life. I had to say no to these relationships.
Saying no in these circumstances is a form of self-protection. You have the right to say no to situations and people that threaten your peace of mind or well-being.
How to Use the Power of No
We have obligations to our loved ones and should be there for them when they truly need us, but we also have obligations to ourselves.
When we say no, it shouldn’t intentionally cause another person any real harm; it should always come from a place of consideration and compassion, but it also has to be assertive and come from a source of strength.
I found that it helps to focus on the fact you are not saying no to the person but to their request. This separation makes it feel a lot less personal.
It also helps to start small. Begin by saying no to acquaintances and colleagues and anyone else you feel safer saying no to. Once you have gained some confidence, you can say no to less significant matters in your close relationships—such as what to eat for dinner, which movie to see at the cinema, what to do with your free time, and so on.
Most of my friends and family were initially surprised when I no longer just went along with what they wanted. But their reaction to my no wasn’t negative. In fact, many were relieved and pleased that I was finally being assertive.
I then practiced saying no to more significant requests for help or bigger favors that would take more time and energy. In time, saying no became easier.
Don’t be rushed or pressured into making a decision if you need time to think about someone’s request. Simply say, “Can I get back to you?” “I need to check my schedule first” or “I’ll let you know.” Any impatience on the other person’s part is their business, and there’s no need to get caught up in a discussion before you give your answer.
It’s important to remain calm when you say no. You don’t need to give lots of reasons—doing so can weaken your no—but you can apologize for not being able to help, if you wish. It depends, of course, on the request. A simple “Sorry, but I don’t have the time right now” or “I’m sorry, I’m not able to help” will suffice. Always use “I” rather than “you” when you give a short explanation for your response.
When you say no to certain people, they might react with anger, surprise, disappointment, coaxing, or guilt trips. It’s important to not be manipulated by their reactions or swayed into changing your mind.
Their response to your no is often an accurate indicator of the health of your relationship with them. They have become used to your yeses, and this has shown them how to interact with and treat you. They’ve gotten used to you putting them first, but now you need to give them a different instruction, which involves changes they might not like.
In time, unless they’re a bully, they’ll adapt and even prefer the more assured you. They will have more respect for you and your time.
But if they refuse to accept the changes, you must say no to the relationship.
Say Yes to Yourself
Your no protects your personal power in your relationships. It enables you to be more honest with other people, yourself, and what you want. Your no allows you to say yes to things that are important to you.
When I realized my no could be linked to a self-affirming yes, it was a powerful revelation to me. Saying no didn’t feel negative anymore; it was something that empowered me and allowed me to prioritize my time. After all, our time is limited, so we cannot say yes to everything.
I began to focus on the positive aspects of saying no: yes to more time to do what I wanted, yes to more self-esteem, yes to good relationships, and yes to greater control over my life.
Say Yes to Self-Empowerment
Saying no and taking better care of myself made my yeses feel more powerful because they were authentic and came from a place of strength. The more honest I was about saying yes and no, the more people respected my time and boundaries and appreciated my help.
I also learned I can live with others’ disappointment, and I cared less about their reaction to my no. I was no longer afraid of upsetting people.
Saying no doesn’t stop you from being a nice and considerate person. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is say no to someone, including yourself.
When you are self-empowered, you know you are enough, and you know you are worthy. You know you don’t need to exhaust yourself doing everything for everyone else in order to be liked and valued.
Helping those in genuine need, if you are able, is always a good thing. However, you can’t help everyone, but you can help yourself.
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The Number on the Scale Does Not Dictate Your Value
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
We try to give our bodies value with numbers. We’re obsessed with the number on the scale and the circumference of our waist.
We also think our value lies in labels. Words like “obese,” “fat,” and “overweight” are triggers for many, and we abhor them like coffee breath, because we’ve been immersed in pocrescophobia (the fear of getting fat) from before we can remember.
But we are more than a category on a pie chart. We are more than our body shape. Magazines tell us we are shaped like a fruit, but we are shaped by the experiences that have made us the people we are today.
Our bodies may not be light, but inside we are shrouded with light. We may be soft where we’ve been told we ought to be hard and toned, but it’s in our softness that others feel comforted in the midst of their problems. We may not have a thigh gap, but there’s space between our arms for those we love to seek shelter.
We are more than just a body.
Our bodies are amazing. They can do so much, for ourselves and for others. We are each beautiful in our own right.
But that’s not all there is to us. We are the imprint we leave on the planet during our short life on Earth. We are the heart that beats within us for the things we are passionate about.
We are the smile that radiates out of our eyes when we experience a moment of pure joy, and the serenity that pervades us when we are content. We are the words we exchange, the words we write down, the words we guard in our minds at all costs. We are the feelings that pass through us, exhilarate us, drive us, guide us.
We are the thoughts and memories and unique set of DNA that set us apart from everyone else. We are special. We are needed. We are designed for a purpose.
We have value that surpasses everything society and the media wants us to obsess over. We have value apart from how we look. We have value apart from our relationship status.
We have value apart from our income. We have value apart from whether we own a house or not, or have kids or not. We. Have. Value. Unchanging, unequivocal, perfect value.
I regret that I wasted this whole weekend feeling depressed about how much I weigh now compared to how much I weighed in my early twenties (I’m approaching thirty). It seems so silly when you think about it, a stone here or there. But I found myself giving in to that black hole, falling-to-the-floor kind of despair.
I should weigh less. I should look slimmer. I should try harder.
I should be something that isn’t me at this moment in time.
It seems like everyone is dissatisfied with the way they look. We will pay money and give up all our free time to try and achieve the illusion of perfection. Snapchat filters, Instagram filters, even paying for apps that will help us to create the perfect selfie, because heaven forbid we look anything less than perfect online!
This, in turn, feeds into other people’s insecurities, spreading the toxic message that our “just as I am” is not enough.
The thing is, weight is just one small way to measure health. My weight suggests I’m quite overweight for my height. But when you look at my waist-to-hip and waist-to-height measurements, I’m in the “healthy” category for both of them, with little-to-no risk of developing heart disease or obesity.
Things just don’t add up. I’m left feeling like something is wrong with me. Am I in the red, or in the green?
Do I need to lose weight, or can I breathe a sigh or relief?
The thing is, it’s these categories and labels that have got it all wrong. Health can’t always be measured by numbers. It’s how you live your life.
Being obsessive isn’t healthy. Talking negatively (even in your mind) about yourself isn’t healthy. Striving for perfection isn’t healthy.
What is healthy? Loving yourself exactly the way you are. Making good choices for your physical and mental health.
Being balanced in everything.
Some days I feel like I’ve come so far, that I truly do love and accept myself as I am, wobbly bits and all. Other days I feel lost in a sea of self-pity and a strong dislike for what I see in the mirror. I compare myself to other girls.
Why can’t I be naturally skinny? Why has nature been so unkind? Then I remember that nature has been kind.
I’m uniquely myself with my own combination of curves and body fat. Why would I want to look like anyone else?
My thoughts go round and round like this. It can be so tiring.
My parents used to tell me I had a “feminine figure.” My partner loves the way I look and never ceases to remind me, even when I’m in one of my funks and in a loop of obsessing over my supposed flaws. If I could only see myself through the eyes of those who love me, my obsessing and self-loathing would all stop in an instant.
The thing is, we have to see ourselves through the eyes of love. We have to accept. We are craving our own love and acceptance.
We need our own kindness. We need to talk about ourselves like we would talk to our best friend. We need to look in the mirror and say, “You are beautiful, just the way you are.”
See your own value. Yes, your body has value. Yes, it is beautiful, exactly as it is.
Shout it out! Proclaim it to the rooftops!
But you are more than that.
You are so much more than a body.
