Tag: wisdom
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I Will No Longer Allow My Doubt to Convince Me I’m Not Good Enough
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” ~Henry Ford
Self-doubt is a killer. It may start off quietly in the back of your mind when you’re a kid. You may not even notice its presence, but if you let it, it can keep growing bigger and bigger like a balloon that never pops.
“Did I make the right decision?”
“Should I have said that out loud?”
“Should I apply for that job?”
“Am I good enough?”
For most (including myself), it’s that last question that haunts you no matter what you’re trying to do.
Growing up, my self-doubt tiptoed into my mind by silently questioning my dancing. After I satisfied my inner critic by quitting dance practice, it moved on to question my grades, my personality, and everything else about myself.
Fast-forward to my mid-twenties, and my self-doubt grew considerably in size. Amped with a larger space in my mind, my self-doubt attacked my writing and my job as a writer and questioned if my articles were even worth reading.
The belief that I wasn’t good enough stopped me from sharing any of my work with my friends and family. It stopped me from even looking at my own articles.
Over the next few months, I went on to write about twenty opinion pieces on global politics, none of which were a source of pride for me, because that is what I told myself.
A few months after I quit my job to focus on personal health issues, I decided to go back to the website that published my work. “Maybe I can look at my writing with a fresher perspective,” I thought.
Unfortunately for me, the company that I’d worked for decided to change their business model and redirect their efforts to create an app. All my articles had been wiped clean. Months of hard work, research, and slaving away over 700-word articles vanished at the click of a button.
“Why didn’t I save any of this?” I asked myself. Because my self-doubt told me it wasn’t worth saving.
It was only then that I realized, every hobby, passion, or profession I’d tried had been stunted by my own debilitating inner monologue. Moreover, I had failed to recognize that even if my articles weren’t “good enough” by someone else’s standards, they were still mine. They were still a product of my mind and tangible proof that I had ability to create something despite the obnoxious voice in my head.
At first I thought, “What am I doing that keeps making that bubble grow bigger?” But I already knew the answer. I was feeding it. Right from the moment I quit dancing, my doubt bubble began growing bigger and bigger till it became the only thing I knew.
I’m currently in the process of restarting my work, hobbies, and passions, with a different mindset. Here are some of the things that have immensely helped me change the way I perceive myself and my work.
1. Keep showing up.
Your doubt grows bigger every time you let it win. Every passion you give up, every offer you decline because you think you’re not equipped to handle it, only fuels the machine that produces more self-doubt.
Stop yourself from going round and round the vicious cycle by understanding that even if you’re not good at something today, that does not mean that you will not be good at it tomorrow. I can’t stress enough the importance of keeping at something every day. No one starts at their best; they build to it. So show up, do it again, then do it again, and your defeatist inner voice will quiet over time. Nothing slows down that inner monologue faster than being aware of its presence and choosing to ignore it.
2. Focus on your successes, not your failures.
Many of us fail to see all we’ve accomplished in our lifetime because we let our failures eclipse our achievements. For me, my mind would shine a light on the missteps in my dance practice, the mistakes in my writing, pinpointing and ridiculing even the smallest of grammatical errors.
Only upon closer inspection of my own thoughts did I begin to notice the pattern of ‘selective memory,’ where the humiliating, humbling, and haunting memories of failure and shame were constantly at the forefront of my brain.
Now, I consciously and purposefully shine a light on the hours of effort, focus, and perseverance it took me to even get this far. I remember that, good or bad, I didn’t give up. Like everything else, it takes a bit of practice. The reward? The warmth of the realization that you are not your mistakes.
Instead of reminding yourself over and over how you’ve fallen short, hold on tightly to the things you’re proud of. Keep reminding yourself of the things you’ve excelled at, because your focus will guide your choices.
If you berate yourself for your failures you’ll feel too scared to try anything new. If you celebrate your successes you’ll feel empowered to keep doing your best.
3. Trust the journey.
For me, comparison has always been the biggest killer of ambition. When I think I’m not good enough, it’s often because I’m comparing myself to someone who’s made strides in their own journey.
What I fail to realize, every single time, is that everyone’s journey is different. You don’t know where someone’s been and you also don’t know where they’re going. You don’t know how many ‘failures’ came before their success, or if they even feel successful in the life they’re living now.
As cliché as it sounds, trusting your journey (failures and all) is an integral part of dissolving self-doubt. All you need to do is focus on moving forward in your own journey, trusting that you’re always where you need to be, moving at the best pace for you, learning the lessons essential for your own growth.
If you stop yourself from moving just because someone else seems to have gone further, you will never know how far you can go.
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I lost my articles because I didn’t see the value in my work, because I thought it wasn’t good enough. I now know that they were proof I was trying—which is the only way to learn and grow. And realizing I’m learning and growing helps me move forward in spite of my doubt.
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Do You Accept Your Partner’s Attempts to Repair?
“I am not fully healed, I am not fully wise, I am still on my way. What matters is that I am moving forward.” ~Yung Pueblo
According to Dr. John Gottman, PhD, successful repair attempts are a “happy couple’s secret weapon.”
An attempt to repair is when our partner makes a mistake and then makes an attempt to fix it in their own way.
Their attempt may look very different than what we may want, and we may be tempted to react negatively, but we have a choice to catch ourselves and consciously choose a different response.
That’s part of our work in creating a loving partnership, releasing and surrendering the need to control. Allowing our partner to love and express love in their own way instead of demanding it our way only. Being open and strong on the inside so we can be soft and loving on the outside.
I remember many times where my husband acted annoyed with me, or responded critically to something I said or did.
He would at times catch himself and try to soften his language or “make up” for his knee-jerk reaction.
I often wouldn’t get a direct apology.
I would see, through his next actions, that he was aware of his tone, and that he was trying to self-adjust to come from a more loving place.
That was often not good enough for me though.
I wouldn’t accept his attempt to repair.
I was so scared and insecure on the inside that I was overly strong and indignant on the outside.
I would point out how critical or rude he was and make him bad or wrong.
I would choose to feel right and justified over loved and happy.
That’s because I wanted to be loved my way only.
That meant he had to apologize using his words, often very specific words, in order for me to feel satisfied that he felt bad enough.
I completely set him up to fail since I was so inflexible on what being loved had to look like for me.
This will never lead to a loving, open, safe, and trusting relationship.
If we can be open to our partner’s attempts at making repairs from the beginning, we are setting ourselves up to feel loved, connected, and trusted by them as things continue to move forward.
If we are repairing a long-term relationship, as we start allowing them to love us and fix things in their own way, we are rebuilding a beautiful foundation.
How To Accept Attempts At Repairing
1. Notice your partner’s effort.
Notice your partner’s attempt to right their wrong, and choose to put your focus there. If they did something that’s petty or not worth a lot of energy, gracefully move on.
This means showing warmth and gratitude, and letting them know, through your words or body language, that you authentically appreciate their effort and self-adjustment.
It means allowing yourself to accept and receive, while appreciating the way they tried to repair and do better. Your receptive energy then invites them to do more from a place of love.
2. Show appreciation for their efforts.
When we focus on what we want, and acknowledge it with gratitude, we generally attract more of it!
The same principle applies in reverse: When we focus on what we don’t want, we often attract more of that.
When I was healing my relationship with my husband, I started to really bring my attention to all of his attempts to diffuse and repair.
There was an incident where we were preparing dinner together, and he snapped at me when I misunderstood something he said. He quickly caught himself and self-adjusted by stating in a kind and respectful tone what it was he wanted.
Instead of staying focused on his first attempt, and choosing to make him bad or wrong, I brought my attention to his effort to repair. I thanked him for noticing this within himself and adjusting it. I let him know that I appreciated his effort and how he self-corrected to show up in a loving way.
Shifting my focus in this way immediately puts me in a more loving space and softens me. It feels good to shift my focus to noticing that he’s trying in his own way. And when I say thank you instead of staying stuck in my anger or annoyance, this inspires him to step up and hear me in a way he wasn’t capable of before.
3. Assume the best in your partner.
If you just started dating, remember that a potential partner doesn’t need to earn your trust if they haven’t done anything wrong.
If you’re repairing a broken relationship, you want to make sure you aren’t living in the past waiting for past disappointments and hurts to repeat themselves.
When we assume the best in our partner, we tend to get the best of them.
That’s because we’re energetically conveying trust.
Oftentimes, the more our partner feels trusted, the more they hear and support us because they don’t want to betray our trust.
If we convey that we don’t trust them, they’ll likely feel hurt and then shut down, and may even create a self-fulfilling prophecy by betraying our trust.
4. Communicate what you need in a way they can hear.
The other side of accepting our partners’ attempts to repair is communicating what helps us move forward after a “wrong.” It doesn’t have to be black and white. We can simultaneously appreciate their efforts and also let them know what helps us feel safe, valued, and respected.
If we’ve acknowledged our partner’s attempts at repairing by responding with warmth instead of anger, they’ll likely be more open to hearing what we need because they won’t feel defensive. The opportunity for connection and intimacy deepens, even in times of conflict.
The best way I’ve found to communicate our needs is by using “I” statements—after a heated moment has passed.
If you appreciate direct acknowledgement after being snapped at, you might say, “I know everyone snaps in moments of stress. When I’m spoken to that way, I feel bad about myself and disconnected from you. I would love for us both to have awareness around this, so we can catch it, acknowledge it, and support each other better moving forward.”
They may not always remember to do specifically what you’ve asked, and in those moments you can recognize and appreciate that they’re trying, in their own way, to make things right. But if you share your needs without undertones of accusation and defensiveness, without making them bad or wrong, they’re more likely to honor your needs as best as they know how.
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Really, what this all comes down to is consciously choosing love over the need to be right or have the final say, which is a powerful way to reconnect a relationship. I have seen the beauty in this act of surrender, as when we choose to love from this perspective, we inspire a deeper healing within the relationship.
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4 Simple Habits That Can Soothe Your Anxious Mind
“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
There is so much noise and overwhelm these days it’s almost impossible to not feel crippling anxiety on a regular basis.
With a march of commitments, appointments, and obligations that never seem to end, we’re a nation of chronically stressed and overwhelmed.
We often spend our lives in a rush, running on autopilot, completing task after task until we finally collapse into bed utterly exhausted. Amidst the noise and demands our minds are scattered, in a perpetual state of thinking, planning, regretting, and worrying.
Hence the anxiety—a normal response considering how little time we spend in our bodies, grounded, connected, and still.
I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. My sensitive nature and rough childhood undoubtedly shaped me. Chronic fear and anxiety manifested as perfectionism, people-pleasing, and perpetual shame. I didn’t feel that I belonged with my family, friends, or the world.
I learned to treat myself just as badly as others did. I was my worst critic and abuser. I felt broken, unable to navigate these huge feelings of fear and shame on my own. Surrounded by negativity, aggression, and chaos, I closed my heart and disconnected from myself.
Motherhood cracked me back open with a force I was not ready for. I wanted to give my children the kind of love and safety I was deprived of as a child, but the stress of raising three little kids was overwhelming, and anxiety kicked in full force. It took me years to recalibrate my mind, reconnect with myself, and find my footing again.
There’s a gentle way out of habitual stress and overwhelm, but it requires our full presence and attention, and developing new habits that will help us heal and change.
With practice, we can transform our lives through small, incremental changes that can shift our lives away from chronic stress and anxiety toward a more adaptable and peaceful way of living.
While we have little control over most things in life, certain things we do have control over, and that’s what we need to focus on.
There are many body-based ways we can control our stress and reduce cortisol levels, like cutting down on caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and refined carbs, and getting quality sleep and exercise. But those alone will not shift you out of anxiety. You have to tackle what goes on in your mind as well. Here’s how.
1. Carve out time for stillness and flow.
To counteract our incredibly fast pace of living, we must carve out time in our busy schedules to slow down and immerse ourselves in activities that give us moments of flow, peace, and space.
Our days are filled with noise and events that require our constant attention. Therefore, we have to be deliberate in setting aside time for stillness, nature, and creativity, time for things that nourish and replenish us.
I reconnect with stillness and flow through yoga, art, and nature. Whether holding a pose, drawing, or walking through the woods, I find the silence and slow pace soothing and comforting. I forget all my troubles and find bliss in the sensations I get to experience: the sounds, the smells, the beauty around me.
It’s like my existence is temporarily suspended as I immerse myself in an act of awe, wonder, or creation. It’s incredibly rewarding and relaxing.
Create daily rituals that purposely slow you down and shift your attention inward. Incorporate those moments in your self-care routine. Unplug from the busyness and give yourself the luxury of solitude and stillness.
Plan some alone time every day, if only for fifteen minutes. Spend this time on your own—in your garden, on a mat, in bed—and bask in the space and joy of solitude and silence. Reignite your inner sacred space and nourish yourself in a new, rewarding way.
2. Befriend your mind.
We spend most of our day on autopilot, and that’s by design. At the same time, if we don’t pay attention to where our mind goes and what it does, we’re just allowing habitual thoughts and behaviors to lead our lives, for better of worse.
I used to be quite oblivious to what was happening inside my head. This lack of deep self-awareness was alienating and affected every aspect of my life, especially my relationships.
For example, having never learned how to handle conflict constructively, I would mindlessly react from pain and shame (yell, shut down, get defensive or overly emotional), which only distanced me from others and perpetuated problems.
Feeling guilty and ashamed, I’d then ruminate on unresolved conflicts and past hurts, fueling my anxiety and making me feel depressed, helpless, and unable to move past them. Still, I didn’t understand why everything seemed to always work against me, and why I struggled so much relating to others despite succeeding in school and at work.
Eventually, I realized that living in a perpetual state of worrying about the future while resenting what had happened to me in the past was self-destructive and harmful to others as well. Living in my head was perpetuating my own anxiety and slowly destroying my life. So, I finally decided to try mindfulness in order to find some peace and learn to live differently.
Mindfulness brought clarity and pushed my unconscious beliefs and patterns to the surface. I now saw how having grown up around chronic anger, chaos, and pain and without much love and support led me to internalize a lot of shame, fear, and distrust. And that’s what was quietly in charge of my life—until now!
With mindfulness, I learned to observe my thoughts and where they lead me, see where I self-destruct and work against my values and goals. And instead of judging myself harshly for my weaknesses and failures, mindfulness taught me to take ownership of my actions, and my life; that I have a choice to do things differently; that I’m not damaged, I just don’t have the skills—yet. In time, mindfulness broke the shame, pain, and anxiety spiral I was in, and allowed recovery.
Mindfulness is empowering; it’s the opposite of anxiety. Instead of worrying and frantically trying to control our environment, it teaches us to be open, slow down, and observe what is happening within us and around us, and to respond authentically instead of reacting habitually out of shame or fear.
This deepened awareness allows us to fully experience the world in all its richness. Slowly, we awaken to life’s small pleasures, dropping chronic worry and endless distractions from taking over our lives. We develop the freedom to think and act differently, build new habits, deal with difficult emotions, overcome our struggles, and learn to flow with life as it unfolds.
3. Practice grateful living.
Our minds are biased toward negativity, and we habitually focus on problems giving them much more attention than is necessary, inducing anxiety in the process. If left unchecked this can put a negative spin on our day, keeping us in a perpetual state of chronic stress and worry.
The good news is that this bias is not set in stone. We can shift it by bringing our attention to the positive things, the little things that spark joy and bring light into our day, moments that we’d otherwise missed amidst our stress and overwhelm.
Gratitude is about being and celebrating the present, but in order to do that you need to be honest and aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When you slow down to do this, you begin to include everything in your life, the good and the bad, the ups and downs, equally. In time, a gratitude practice can shift your perspective on life. You realize there’s much beauty and joy in it, in spite of all the difficulties.
I am a huge fan of keeping a gratitude journal. In fact, this is how my own journey of healing started. Gratitude was like medicine for my anxious mind.
You can buy a journal specifically for this use. Use colored pens and decorate it to make it beautiful so that you feel good when you open it. Write three to five things each day that you are thankful for.
When did you feel a moment of peace? What brought a smile to your face? What moments of kindness or beauty have you experienced? Immerse yourself in those moments—bring them fully to life again in your mind.
The more time you spend reflecting back on things that brought you joy throughout the day, the more time you spend keeping alive those connections that give you the feeling of calm, peace, and wonder. This will train your mind to focus on the good, and keep you away from fear.
4. Reconnect with yourself.
A big part of what fueled my anxiety was the feeling of being lost in a sea of errands, work responsibilities, and family obligations. Always on the go, I never slowed down long enough to notice how I felt, what I wanted, or what I needed in a given moment.
Raised to be helpful and anticipate others’ needs—as our patriarchal systems demands—I had lost touch with my own desires and my core self.
Change can be hard, especially if we don’t have a strong sense of self. That’s why it’s important to reconnect with your deep inner essence, whether through journaling, meditation, play, or therapy. I tried many modalities, and I found writing to be the therapeutic tool I needed to reconnect with my innermost self.
Journaling allows us to build an intimate relationship with ourselves, and connect with our inner world in an authentic way. We gradually deepen our understanding of ourselves and our experience as we connect with our deep needs, desires, fears and hang-ups. Through journaling, we can reconnect with our inner strength and courage to overcome our obstacles, strengthen our resilience, and regain our power over how we experience and respond to life.
Once I reconnected with my inner essence—my inner child—I wanted to do everything to protect and nurture her, and give her everything she wanted but never received as a child.
For example, I offered myself compassion when I failed or felt hurt instead of just pushing through the discomfort and repressing my pain. I wrote in my journal about things that bothered or confused me instead of stuffing it down. I took breaks before getting overwhelmed. I made time to be alone and do things I love—reading, dancing, drawing, bubble baths.
This was like self-parenting and it was all about nurturing and love, something I felt was lacking in my own childhood. And it gave me the strength and motivation to show up for myself when things got hard. It empowered me to keep going and improved my ability to make lasting changes in areas that mattered to me most.
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The above strategies may sound simple, but when you start putting these small habits together, the body and mind respond.
Stillness is like a balm that calms our frazzled soul. Mindfulness allows us to slow down and better respond to anxiety-inducing challenges we so often face. Gratitude gives us perspective, and self-awareness helps us recognize and understand our emotions, and that builds strength and resilience.
Combined, those habits can greatly reduce your daily stress and anxiety. And as you are nourishing and supporting yourself daily, you allow healing to take place.
This takes practice. Healing requires us to have patience, to slow the pace down and to be with what is. We need to trust ourselves knowing that we are growing our capabilities and making the changes that we can at the time, and when we’re ready to do more, we’ll go deeper.
Whether anxiety is something you’ve developed in recent years or you’ve lived with it your whole life, these four practices can have a soothing effect on your body and mind, and can shift you from perpetual state of stress and overwhelm into a more peaceful way of living.
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How to Mindfully Calm Your Anger and Stop Doing Things You Regret
“Neurologists claim that every time you resist acting on your anger, you’re actually rewiring your brain to be calmer and more loving.” ~Unknown
One of the most impactful ways that mindfulness has changed my life is how I’m able to work with my feelings of anger.
Anyone who has met me in recent years would never know how anger used to run my life. I often wish that people who are just now meeting me could realize the transformation I’ve gone through from my past. If people could see how mindfulness has changed me from an angry, irritable person who hated the world to a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky guy, I think everyone would give mindfulness a try.
My mindfulness practice has allowed me to pay attention to what’s happening in my mind and body when anger is rising. I often call this the “volume knob” of anger, and I’ll dive a little more into that shortly.
First, I want to give you a glimpse into my past so you can have a better frame of reference of where I used to be and where I’m at now through a practice of mindfulness.
The Child of an Alcoholic
I grew up as a child of an alcoholic mother, and this gave me a host of issues while growing up, but the biggest one was anger.
I was extremely angry with my mom because I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t stop drinking for me. I thought that if she truly loved me, she’d be able to quit drinking for me, but she didn’t. My mom ended up getting sober when I was twenty years old, but it was twenty years too late, and I still had two decades of resentments toward her.
Aside from the anger I had toward my mother, I had anger toward the rest of the world.
Looking back on it, it seems completely insane (and it kind of was). It angered me growing up with kids who didn’t have to go through what I was going through in my home life. The kids I grew up with had great parents who made a decent amount of money and could buy them whatever they wanted. But it wasn’t just the material things; they actually had parents and family members who cared about them.
A Life Full of Anger
Being angry all the time was exhausting, but it was the only way I knew how to be. Because of this, I took my anger out on anyone who crossed paths with me.
Although I wasn’t someone who got into many physical altercations growing up, I had words that were venom. I hurt many people throughout my life by saying the most hurtful things I could think of, and then I felt extremely guilty about it. While I thought that every woman I dated was at fault, I could look back at my past and see how toxic I was to anyone who had the misfortune of dating me.
I forgot to mention that I turned into a drug addict and alcoholic myself around eighteen years old, but I managed to get sober on my twenty-seventh birthday in 2012.
Part of the program of recovery that I work says that one of the main reasons we drink and use is because of resentments, which I could definitely relate to. Another part of this program is making amends. Making amends to the people I had hurt in my past was something that helped me forgive myself, but I’m also not a big fan of making amends.
One of the issues with getting sober is that you don’t immediately become this spiritual being. I still had a lot of anger, and I still couldn’t control my temper. I was the epitome of someone who reacted rather than responded. Whenever I would react poorly, I had to humble myself to apologize. I needed to figure out a way to manage my anger before it got to that point, and that’s when I found mindfulness.
Mindfulness is My Anger Management Tool
I didn’t find mindfulness until I was three years sober. My anger wasn’t nearly as bad as it used to be, but it was still there. I knew that I still had a lot of self-improvement to do, so I gave mindfulness meditation a try.
From the first time I tried meditating, I immediately understood how transformative it could be in my life, but I didn’t realize how much it would help me with my anger issues.
One of the reasons I love the practice of mindfulness is because there are so many informal practices. As I started introducing different practices like mindful walking, mindful listening, and mindful communicating, I was becoming more mindful in my everyday life.
What I began to realize was that I was only acknowledging my anger when I was ready to explode, and it was often something that had been building up for a while. Since I wasn’t recognizing the early triggers of my anger, I wasn’t able to deal with it before reacting in a way that I would regret.
Some of the patterns of my anger triggers I started to recognize include:
- Disrespected
- Lied to
- Being talked down to
- Not being treated fairly
- Not given credit
- Not appreciated
When I speak of the “volume knob” of anger, I mean that mindfulness has helped me begin catching my anger at a volume level of one or two rather than at a nine or ten. By the time my anger gets to the highest volume, it is controlling me rather than me controlling it.
Being more mindful throughout my day has given me the opportunity to not only spot my anger in its earlier stages, but it’s also allowed me to treat it with compassion and curiosity.
Now, when I feel that initial anger within my body or mind, I get really curious. I take a calm breath and simply think, “That’s interesting. Why am I feeling this way towards this person or situation?”
Mindfulness helps declutter the mind and help me get to the root of what’s really happening within my own mind. Often times, I find that my anger is based on circumstances that are completely outside of my control, or they’re based on other circumstances that have nothing to do with the other person or people involved.
Perhaps the most profound way that mindfulness has affected me is that it’s had me realize that my anger is often based on belief systems that are rather closed-minded.
A Mindful Communication Practice
A great practice you can begin using is mindful communication. This involves being fully present during a conversation, which involves listening while also being mindful of what your own mind and body are doing.
I suggest you begin practicing this with someone who you may not get along with too well, but not someone who makes you overly emotional. This could be a coworker you’re not too fond of, a family member, or a friend in your inner circle. If this is too much for you, you can do it while browsing social media posts or watching the news.
While communicating with this person, be mindful of the emotions rising in your body and the sensations you’re getting. Begin to notice what they’ve said that’s triggered this initial emotion and be aware of where you’re feeling sensations in your body.
Rather than turning to judgment, just be curious. Be fascinated by why your body and mind are reacting the way they are in that moment. When you treat these thoughts and sensations with equanimity, you’re less likely to react poorly in the situation.
When I speak of being fascinated, I mean to treat your experience with the curiosity of a child. This was one of my first lessons in mindfulness. When you’re being curious, you’re not judging. Inspect your experience like a child closely examining a leaf for the first time. This helps takes the power away from the strong emotion you’re feeling in that moment.
This whole practice is extremely important because it gives us a chance to pause. When we pause, we’re able to respond rather than react. Reactions are often what the primitive part of our brain wants to do, and we don’t put much thought into it. This typically leads to regret and suffering. By being able to pause, and then respond, we make much wiser decisions.
This is going to take practice until you have your temper under control, but over time, you’ll begin to reflect on situations that would have set you off. I’m personally amazed at how well my anger is managed today, and it’s something I continue to work on. Now that I know how to respond rather than react, I don’t find myself regretting the decisions I made out of a knee-jerk reaction to anger.
As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I wish more people could truly understand how much mindfulness has changed me. Whenever I see senseless acts of violence such as domestic abuse, physical altercations between strangers, or even murder that happens due to somebody’s inability to manage their anger, I just think of how much different this world would be if more people learned this practice.
My hope is to be an example to others when it comes to managing anger through mindfulness. If they can see how I respond to life’s difficulties on a daily basis, maybe they’ll decide to give this mindfulness thing a try.
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7 Amazing Things That Happen When You Start Loving Yourself More
“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits—anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving,” ~Kim McMillen
I started learning about self-love a long time ago.
In fact, I started learning about self-love so long ago that when, fifteen years later, a shaman in Peru I told me that self-love was the answer to all my questions, I got really pissed off!
I had struggled with depression as a teenager. For about two years, I lived a very sad life. I don’t even remember much to be honest. I felt the pain of existence. I avoided people. Every day felt like yet another obstacle to overcome. I existed rather than lived. Eventually, I overcame it and discovered some tools that I still use to help me with any low moments l might have today. One of them was the practice of self-love.
I found a few helpful books on meditation, the Silva Method, visualization, and the famous book You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.
I wrote affirmations daily. I kept doing my mirror work. I started to be more appreciative and kinder to myself. I meditated regularly and gradually rebuilt myself. I thought I had nailed self-love. I thought I had really understood what self-love was.
I was wrong.
I was in my early thirties—single and not entirely thrilled about it. Not fulfilled in my corporate career. Living in a converted garage in London and wondering what to change in my life to feel happier.
When my friend asked me whether I would be up for travelling to Peru, I didn’t think twice.
It felt like the right adventure at the right time.
We had a magical time for three weeks. We visited many ancient places, took part in spiritual ceremonies, met and worked with shamans, and visited some old communities living a modest life in the middle of the Andes. We experienced everything that Peru had to offer.
One day, my friend and I decided to go for a coca leaf reading. It was mainly out of curiosity but as with previous past readings, I wanted to be reassured that my life was going to change and that I would soon be in a better place.
Now I know better than to turn to a psychic to ease my anxiety. Once during a reading a psychic told me that there are a few future possibilities for us, based on our choices. So, I started to trust my choices more and become comfortable with uncertainty, as there is always a solution to our problems. I also trust that whatever I experience I’m having is for my highest good and the exact lesson I now need.
Back to my story: So, we went to a back room of a very run down massage place that we’d come across a few days earlier.
The shaman came and set himself up. He couldn’t speak English and had a Dutch translator.
My friend went first and asked her questions and got guidance.
When it was my turn, I started to ask the usual questions: When will I meet the love of my life? When will I find a better job? What job would it be? When will I find a better flat? When will I start earning more money?
After I asked the first question, the shaman stirred the leaves in his palms and threw them up. When they fell, he looked at them and said to me, “When you start loving yourself.”
Fair enough, I thought to myself, and asked another question.
The shaman threw the leaves again, contemplated a little, and gave me the same answer, “When you start loving yourself more.”
I thought “okay” and agreed silently with him. I still felt I could love myself more.
I asked another question and got the same answer. And another question and got the same answer.
Doubts began to appear and I started to feel a bit uneasy.
I felt like we were a bit naive going to a shaman we didn’t know and that nobody had recommended him to us.
When I heard the same answer for the fifth time, I lost it.
I snapped at the translator, accusing the shaman of being fake and not knowing what he was doing.
The translator started to calm me down and tried to convince me that the shaman was very popular and he knew his stuff. Apparently, many people kept coming back to him because of his accurate readings.
Somehow it was hard to believe.
We completed the reading and left.
My friend tried to help me make sense of this experience but I completely dismissed it.
I was furious. Not even about the reading but the realization that I thought I had done so much work around self-love and was convinced I knew how to love and respect myself. But here a stranger was pointing out to me that there was yet more work to be done.
I remember asking my friend angrily, “How much work on self-love do I need to do to actually start loving myself? Is fifteen years not enough?”
I felt helpless and discouraged.
It felt like all the work I had done on myself up until that moment in Peru had meant nothing.
I was frustrated because I assumed that after all the inner work I had done, I should have known better. I should have attracted higher quality men. I should have had a better job. I should have earned more money. I should have been happier.
My life had a few more lessons for me before I actually got what self-love really meant.
A few years later, I was even more frustrated in the new job—and still single after dozens of failed dates with men who didn’t even remotely fit the description of my dream man. Not much happier, I had a moment of realization when I was drying my hair.
It just hit me out of nowhere. I felt in my whole body what it was to love myself. I felt flooded with self-appreciation for no reason. I was overcome by kindness and compassion for myself.
In that moment, I saw how unloving I was toward myself. I realized that through my entire life I had been betraying and abandoning myself.
I completely understood what the shaman in Peru really meant!
Until I truly loved and honored myself, I wouldn’t get a better job, find a loving man, or feel happier.
I wouldn’t because I didn’t love myself enough to feel worthy of it all.
It took me a while to integrate my insights and realize how the love I had (or lack of it!) for myself was directly responsible for my unfulfilling love life, draining career, and overall unhappiness with life.
A few years later, I now have my own definition of self-love.
I believed for a long time that self-love was merely a feeling toward myself.
Now I know better. It is way more than just a feeling.
For me, self-love is a practice. It is a practice of choosing myself, putting myself first when I can, making myself important, and being kind and compassionate with myself. Also, self-love is about choosing things, people, and situations that are good for me, feel right, and serve me.
Self-love is an on-going conscious choice!
When I started to practice consciously choosing myself over others, over damaging situations, over unfulfilling friendships and relationships, things changed dramatically.
To illustrate why you need to practice self-love, here are a few examples from my own life.
1. You will start to feel more in charge of your life.
I realized that I had always a choice. I could make poor choices out of fear, guilt, and shame or empowered choices that were aligned with who I was and what felt authentic to me. So, I stopped trying to please people, accommodating men unworthy of my attention, and doing things that didn’t bring me pleasure or satisfaction.
When you start loving yourself more, you too will realize your wants and needs are important, and you have the choice to honor them.
2. You will set stronger boundaries around dating and love.
As a result of honoring my needs, I started to feel more confident and assertive. I became more purposeful with dating. I stopped wasting time on the wrong guys and started making more empowered romantic choices. The final outcome: I found the love of my life after struggling in the love department for years.
When you strengthen your boundaries from a place of self-love, you too will feel more empowered and you’ll stop repeatedly choosing partners who aren’t good for you.
3. You will stop seeking approval.
This was the most liberating thing. As I loved and respected myself more, I stopped worrying about how much others liked or approved of me. I stopped doing things to be liked. This created space for me to be more authentic, less defensive, and more my genuine self.
When you have your own approval and acceptance, you start caring less about other people’s opinion of you and living a life that’s aligned with your own values.
4. You will start to make more courageous and conscious decisions.
I gave up my draining corporate job out of respect to myself.
I moved out of London after fifteen years to have a slower and more peaceful lifestyle.
I fell in love again. (This takes lots of courage if you have been hurt over and over again!)
I got pregnant and had a natural birth. I had no clue how this happened, as I formerly had broadcasted everywhere that if I ever got pregnant, I would be the first to ask for an epidural. But I listened to my body and having an epidural didn’t feel right.
I became a mama to my son. This is probably the bravest thing I have ever done in my life, since I love my freedom so much. But the love for my son helps me forget how important my freedom was to me before.
Self-love will give you the courage to get rid of things that don’t serve you and make space for things that will help you grow. When you truly value yourself, you make decisions that honor you rather than harm you.
5. You will start to enjoy being with yourself.
I stopped filling my days with meetings, dates, and outings, as I did in the past just so I wouldn’t feel alone. I stopped running away from myself into the arms of unsuitable men. I stopped meeting friends just to have some company.
Instead, I started to do more things I loved doing: swimming, yoga, writing, watching movies, meditating. When I reconnected with myself deeply, spending time in my own company didn’t feel scary anymore. I stopped being afraid of being alone.
You too will find that when you become more loving toward yourself, you will start being more comfortable being in your own lovely company.
6. You will develop a stronger relationship with yourself.
As I spent more time with myself I deepened the connection I had with myself. I stopped being desperate for a romantic relationship because I started to have more fun on my own. I became my own friend. I started to feel more secure as a person as I tapped into my true inner being. I started to believe in myself more. I started to trust myself more.
When you deepen your connection with yourself through self-love, you’ll connect on a deeper level with others too. As your relationship with yourself improves, your others get stronger as well.
7. You will stop seeking happiness in relationships.
Loving myself helped me realize that I didn’t need a man to be happy. All the love I needed to be happy was within me already. I took more responsibility for my personal happiness and stopped giving my power away to men.
I understood that happiness was constantly present in my life. It wasn’t somewhere in the future. I just needed to change my focus and learn to appreciate what I had rather than dwelling on what I didn’t have.
When you start to love yourself more and feel happier, you too will likely feel less desperate for a romantic relationship. You’ll realize you don’t need a partner to be happy. You just need to be happy and the right person will show up in time.
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So how do you start loving yourself more? Start choosing yourself daily and doing what feels right for you.
Introduce a daily practice of checking in with yourself every time you need to make a decision or a choice.
First you ask yourself: What would feel loving in this situation?
Once you have the answer, ask yourself these thee powerful questions:
Does it feel good/right for me?
Will it serve me?
Will it make me feel energized?
These questions will help you honor yourself and your needs and stay true and loving to yourself.
There is much more I want to say on this subject, but I will leave it for another article.
Let me just say this: Self-love will transform your life—so start practicing!
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I Spent Years Looking for Happiness in the Wrong Places
“Never put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.” ~Unknown
About ten years ago I made the mistake of re-reading my journal from high school. Wow, was I ever a miserable, slightly unstable person.
I dated the same (great) guy for three years, but looking back over my handwritten confessions, you would have thought I was dating Mussolini. I had endless complaints, wanted to control everything my boyfriend did, and every other word I wrote was a gripe. And this was about a guy I tried to get to notice me for months before he finally asked me out!
This was not the last time getting something I thought would make me happy didn’t do the trick.
When I graduated from college, I was really stuck on the idea of losing weight. I’d gained some in college, but even after I lost what I’d gained, there was no satisfied feeling.
Nope, I spent the next couple of years trying to lose more weight, and even when I got to my most slender and random strangers told me I looked great, I was still unhappy. I still thought something was wrong with me and was always trying to change myself for the “better.”
It was as if getting the thing I wanted all along wasn’t actually the missing piece to my contentment.
Still, when I gained some of that weight I’d lost back (because it was impossible to maintain long term), I kept trying to lose it again. For years. Seriously, years. I let it control my life. All because I thought it would make me happy… even though there was no evidence that weight loss would bring me any closer to peace than it had the first time.
Once I was able to let that go (with therapy, lots of self-help, the death of my father, and getting pregnant), I found somewhere else to place my hopes for happiness: my career.
This had already been lingering in the back of my mind as something to “fix,” but I didn’t really start focusing on it until I stopped obsessing about my body and was at home full time with my daughter.
I got certification upon certification, got a graduate degree, started multiple online businesses, and even got myself accepted to a second graduate program, which I withdrew from before it started, thank goodness.
Even once I pinpointed a career focus that felt satisfying and right, I was not happy. I found so many reasons to be upset, from telling myself I would never be successful to worrying that I wasn’t good enough at my chosen profession, to beating myself up for not being like some random person I was comparing myself to on the internet.
Still, it wasn’t until earlier this year that I finally saw clearly, for the first time ever, that nothing was going to make me happy. Not love, not changing my body, not money, not my career.
Before you write me a prescription for antidepressants, let me clarify: No thing will make me happy. And by thing, I mean external situation.
Yes, it’s exciting to have a success in my business. My wedding day was lovely. Holding my daughter for the first time was miraculous.
But all of those things are fleeting. Achievements and milestones can only lift the mood temporarily.
Long lasting contentment is possible, though. I just wasn’t looking for it in the right place. I spent decades looking outside instead of inside.
Now that I know what to do, I can access peace at just about any moment of my day. It’s not the giddy happiness of getting asked out for the first time by a long haired boy in a Nirvana T-shirt, but it’s steady, and it’s deep, and it’s long lasting.
Here are some ways I access that still, yet joyful part of myself, no matter how much I weigh or how much money I’m making.
1. I take the focus away from the past and the future and place them on the now.
Let’s say I look out the window and see that the sunset is absolutely spectacular, and I go outside to take a closer look.
Things can go a couple different ways at this point. I could see the sunset and let my thoughts run away with me, telling me things like, “go get your phone and post this on Instagram!” or “Oh my gosh this reminds me of that sunset I saw with my husband when we were up in New York and then it got so cold and then the baby got sick and we had to take her to urgent care because we couldn’t figure out what was wrong and the place was out of network and we got this huge bill and that was right before we realized the car needed a new transmission…”
I think you get the idea. I’m definitely not experiencing or deriving any happiness from the sunset at this point.The other way to experience the sunset is to try to keep yourself physically in the present moment, enjoying what is happening around you right now.
Feel the breeze on your skin. Feel the way your stomach rises and falls while you breathe. Feel the way there is an energy, almost an aliveness in your hands and fingers. Try to see the sunset without labeling it, and if your mind starts taking you away from enjoying the sunset, gently bring its attention back to the beauty around you and the sensations you’re experiencing in your body.
2. I breathe. And I pay attention while I do it.
This is really just another way to quiet the mind. Because quieting the mind is the only way to feel lasting happiness.
Getting a boyfriend didn’t make me happy because my mind constantly came up with reasons things should be different. Losing weight didn’t make me happy because I was constantly thinking about the ways my body should be better. My career has brought more stress than joy because I think about it, what it should and shouldn’t be, instead of just letting it exist as it is.
So back to the breathing thing. Breathing brings you into your body and out of your head. Breathing gives your mind something to focus on instead of your (negative) thoughts. Breathing brings you to the present.
3. I consciously remove the pressure from my life circumstances.
Here’s what all my past disappointments have had in common: me expecting them to make me happy. That’s not working for me anymore.
Maybe it sounds sad or disappointing to you, but realizing that external situations, things society in general celebrates as success, aren’t going to do anything for my well-being is incredibly liberating.
Once you realize that a promotion, that a baby, that a new dress isn’t going to make you happy, you’re free. You can still enjoy those things, of course you can, but you don’t have to put the entire weight of your happiness on them.
So where does that leave us? It leaves us in the moment. Breathing now, creating space in our minds now. It leaves us quiet, still. It leaves us able to let go of judgment, of doubt, of chaos. It lets joy flow through us instead of making us cling to every compliment from a stranger or new pair of shoes.
You can do this, too. You can allow your life to unfold instead of pressuring it and yourself to look a certain way. You can find a lasting happiness that you’ve never known possible. You just have to stop expecting it to come from a place outside of you.
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Simple Truths About Toxic Mothers I Wish I Knew Growing Up
“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours.” ~Mary Schmich
After Mom passed away two years ago, I returned home to take care of the remnants of her earthly life.
Clothes and shoes, books with her notes in the margins, old cookware and medication leftovers. Tableware, sewing utensils, knitting needles and thread. And at the very end, the most private part of Mom’s life, something I’d been avoiding for as long as I could: photographs, letters, diaries, and notes. These deeply personal belongings took me on an emotional roller coaster ride a few months long.
Sweet notes penned by my dad at age twenty-one to Mom at the hospital, where she was recovering after a complicated delivery of their only child … me. Written in his clumsy, dear handwriting, and Mom’s short replies underneath, her handwriting as neat as always.
Letters from Mom’s ex-boyfriends, before my father’s time (why did I always assume that she didn’t have any?). And emotional messages from me, sent from a summer camp to the address I knew by heart since I was three. My letters to Mozambique, where my parents worked in the early 1980s, and postcards from my travels. A few envelopes from my son, whom Mom loved deeply, in a way she could never love me. Or so I thought.
She kept them all.
Seventy years of Mom’s memories written on paper she didn’t even remember she had. And even if she’d known, she wouldn’t be able to read them because of her illness.
But the most profound emotional moment of all was still waiting to come: letters from Mom to a younger me. Letters she wrote but never sent—I will never know why. What was she afraid of?
I read these letters with tears streaming down my cheeks like two spring creeks down the hill. The letters were imbued with love, like a forest glade with sunshine on a hot summer day. They were full of compassion I didn’t realize Mom possessed.
She kept these letters because they were vital to her. And I know now that she loved me. Always.
But for a significant part of my life, I wasn’t even sure that Mom wanted me. When I was little, she treated me like her property, as if she owned me—my body, my thoughts, and my feelings. When I grew older, we fought and struggled, hurting one another in an attempt to protect the scared and lonely little girl inside each of us.
It took me decades to heal and forgive Mom. It took a debilitating illness for her to tear down the mighty walls she’d built around her soul and embrace the love that had always smouldered in her heart
I’ve lived long enough to learn a great deal about human psychology; I even made it my profession. And I see that history repeats itself: Women like my mom pass on their family’s legacy of abuse. Why? Because they either don’t know how to change it, don’t dare to, or lack the necessary resources and support to break the pattern.
As a result, new generations of kids grow up suffering, feeling unloved. And trauma celebrates its new victory on their account.
But it doesn’t have to continue, because today we know so much more.
We no longer stigmatize people with emotional problems and mental illnesses. We understand that children, too, suffer from anxiety and depression—something that in my “happy” childhood was unthinkable to suggest. We didn’t have psychologists in schools to help us make sense out of the distorted reality of our homes.
We were alone with our pain.
Sometimes I wish I could meet a younger me and tell her what I know today. To help her and other youth quietly suffering in their dysfunctional families to see the truth, relieve their pain, and encourage them to enjoy their lives more.
What would I tell to a younger me if I could meet her today?
Here it is:
You are not alone.
The worst memory of my childhood and young adulthood was feeling lonely. I was unable to tell anyone about my family life because mothers were believed to be made of pure gold. In fact, I even thought that my life was quite normal.
I wish I’d known back then that not all mothers are good. Some are sick and fighting their own demons. Below the surface, they don’t love themselves, and they don’t know how to love their children. Children who suffer in silence, just like me … and just like you.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
For decades I felt confused when Mom told me I was the one with a problem. According to her, I couldn’t do anything right, not even remember things the way they really happened. She told me I had a “lively imagination” or even called me a “little liar” because what I remembered had never taken place. And I believed her—no wonder all of my all senses were disorganized.
So let me tell you this: It’s not you with the problem, it’s your mother, and she’s unable to admit it. She gaslights you using toxic “amnesia” to confuse your senses and create doubt. No matter how much you try to be the best in school, cook dinner for the family, and be there to support your mom’s emotional needs, it’s not going to change her perception of you.
Don’t bother trying to impress her. The only person you need to impress is you. Be yourself.
You are good enough as you are.
Do you desperately want to be loved and cherished by your mom? Do you long for her approval, like I did? Do you try your hardest, but no matter what you do, it’s never good enough?
I have good and bad news. The bad news is that it probably will never change. And the good news is, you are good enough already, so stop working so hard trying to prove it to your mother. There’s no need.
Protect yourself.
I was vulnerable to Mom’s intermittent reinforcements for most of my adult life. As soon as she acted cordially, I would do anything for her. I believed she’d changed, only to be disappointed again and again.
So when your mother suddenly becomes lovely and cheerful with you, and you feel like your life has finally turned around, remember that it hasn’t. Not for long, anyway.
Don’t start immediately sharing your deepest secrets and feelings with her, because they will almost certainly be turned against you a few hours later. Enjoy the moment, but stay on guard.
Don’t try to change your mom.
I tried to reason with Mom and explain to her what her behavior was doing to me. But every time, she would feel wronged, react angrily, and start a fight. Eventually, she did change her behavior, but not until much later and at the most unexpected time ever.
Will your mother ever change? Probably not, so don’t waste your life waiting for that. It’s your mother’s life and responsibility, not yours. Focus on improving your own behavior and live a joyful, fulfilling life of your own. This is the only chance that your mother might follow your lead.
Worry less and appreciate your life.
It’s okay to be happy, no matter what your mother tells you. Life isn’t meant to be 24/7 hard work and suffering in the process, as my mother sadly believed.
There’s a place for fun and joy every day—always remember that.
Here are my favorite activities to cope with worries and help to de-stress:
- Keep busy doing what you love to do.
- Stay physically active—go to the gym, take a walk or go hiking, play games outside, swim or run. Pick your favorite and start moving.
- Play and sing a favorite song.
- Play a musical instrument if you can.
- Solve a puzzle.
- Use the tapping technique, together with anti-stress and anti-worry affirmations.
- Plan your next day.
- Limit your presence on social media and the Internet.
- Don’t watch the news.
- Use your creative powers or enjoy the creations of others.
Think for yourself.
Growing up with difficult, critical mothers, we have trouble trusting ourselves. But trust can be learned.
Remind yourself that you’re good enough the way you are—just as good (and as bad) as anyone else! Care less about what others might think or say. Love and trust yourself to make your own decisions. Don’t be afraid to be confident and appreciate your life.
Have a goal and work hard to make it happen.
Ask yourself, what do you want your life to be like five years from now? Do you want to work with animals, help people, or be a rocket scientist? Find out what you like, what makes you excited and gives you a sense of purpose.
Then, get an education or find a job in that field, and don’t allow others to interfere with your plans. Start investing in your future.
Distance yourself emotionally from your mother.
Distancing yourself will protect you from feeling hurt and help you to learn more about your mom. You’ll begin to see that she projects her own insecurities, worries, and fears on you because she doesn’t know better. To be honest, she never really grew up. That little unloved, lonely girl inside her still steers her life.
Distancing yourself helps you avoid enmeshing with your mom’s feelings and stops her from influencing yours.
Learn to trust other people.
Because if you don’t trust anyone, you will be lonely. Start inviting people into your life—there are many good men and women out there.
That said, choose your friends (and partners) with care. Don’t strive to be part of the popular crowd but instead look for honesty and kindness in others. Look for someone who has the potential to genuinely care about you. A therapist may be one of these people.
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Some people are lucky enough to have mature parents who know how to love their kids, and some are not. Some of us have better health, and some have more money than others. There are many things in life we can’t control or change. We have what we have, and it’s probably for a reason—after all, who would we be if we didn’t have challenges to overcome? If everything we wished for came served on a golden plate?
We would never grow and develop as humans. We’d be living the lives of plankton forever, feeding and being eaten.
So by definition, life is not easy or fair. And when the little girl inside me feels scared, I hug her and say, “Don’t worry so much, love. You will be alright, and your life will be full. You will turn challenges into adventures, weaknesses into strengths, and learn to find joy even in difficult times. You’re a great kid! Stay cheerful, curious and kind as you are. Take care of yourself.”
What do you say to your inner child?
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Why I’m in Therapy Again, and Not Ashamed to Share It
“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.” ~Vironika Tugaleva
Ah, therapy, my old friend. We meet again.
I thought I’d released you from my life. I thought I no longer needed you to maintain my sanity.
I was wrong.
Third time’s a charm, as they say.
The First Time I Went to Therapy
I was eighteen when I had my first encounter with therapy. My parents had just divorced under pretty devastating circumstances, and my first serious relationship had crumbled at my feet.
It was a double betrayal.
My parents had hidden their divorce from me. I found out on our “family holiday” that we weren’t actually a family anymore. Plus, my partner had secretly been seeing another woman. He started dating her publicly less than a week after our five-year relationship ended.
I was young, impressionable, and distraught. My whole life felt like a lie.
I spent weeks wrapped up in the safety of my bed, emerging only to find comfort in food. I dropped out of university. My partner had isolated me from my friends due to his controlling and coercive behavior, which left me feeling totally alone. Everything felt pointless. I had no idea what to do with myself, and my thoughts were starting to scare me. So I sought help.
Finding a therapist was easy. A quick Google search was all it took.
But it took a long time to build up the courage to make an appointment, fill out the pre-session questionnaire, and actually walk into the building.
I remember feeling so much shame. I thought I was weak and ridiculous for not being able to handle my emotions or deal with what was happening—but I also knew that my mental health was on seriously shaky ground.
So I went.
I walked into the therapy room, shaking like a leaf. My heart (and my mouth) were melded shut for the first few sessions. My therapist had to carefully wrench it open to encourage me to open up.
Finally, I did. And when I unburdened myself of all that had been weighing me down, I saw it on her face.
Judgment.
At the end of the session, I walked out of that room and never went back. My worst fear—that someone would see the truth about what was alive inside me and judge me because of it—had been realized. I cursed myself for thinking therapy was a good idea.
And so I tried to forget about my wounds as I unconsciously carried them into the next phase of my life.
The Second Time I Went to Therapy
Six years later, I started having debilitating panic attacks on a daily basis. The problem was I felt more than a little resistance to the idea of going to therapy again.
By this time, my anxiety had steadily increased to the point that it became a normal part of my everyday life.
I expected to be unable to sleep, constantly feel exhausted, and be plagued by fearful, intrusive thoughts. I got used to the fact that I couldn’t relax, always felt irritable, and lashed out at the people I loved—despite desperately craving their support—because I was in so much emotional pain.
And honestly, I thought my anxiety was my edge.
I was completing my master’s degree, and I thought intense stress made me work harder. It felt like a sign I was on the right track. I worked day and night, utterly consumed by my projects. In my head, I was achieving top grades because of my worrying.
So I put the idea of therapy out of my head until eventually, I hit my breaking point.
I had a terrifying panic attack while driving at top speed. Unable to breathe, I pulled over to the side of the road to keep myself (and other drivers) safe. It was my third panic attack that day. I’d finally had enough and knew I couldn’t live like this anymore.
I needed help.
I was still nervous about going back to therapy. But I was also ready to dig—to excavate all the junk I’d been hauling around and declutter my mind.
Instead of going with the first therapist who popped up on Google, I did more research this time. I interviewed different people until I found a therapist I vibed with. And because I wanted to be the ‘perfect’ client, I went above and beyond in my therapy work (a big part of which was working on my perfectionism and my need for external validation. Go figure).
I had a breakthrough. I found a deep sense of inner peace for the first time in my adult life.
My therapist introduced me to mindfulness, meditation, and yoga—healing tools I’m still learning, practicing, and teaching to this day. For that, I’ll be forever grateful.
The Third Time I’m Going to Therapy
These days, I’m in a very different place.
I’m in tune with myself. I listen to my body. I take time to be still. I do everything therapists tell you to do to stay well. I’ve traversed the territory of my suffering, including childhood trauma.
And yet, I’m still human. I struggle.
Specifically, I notice a dynamic playing out in my relationships. I feel intense anxiety about not being enough for my partners and not being worthy of love.
I worry that they’ll find somebody better and want to leave me. I convince myself that they hide things from me and must be secretly planning their escape. I mourn the loss of love before it’s even happened. No matter how much my partners tell me otherwise, it’s still an issue.
After much reflection, I know why—I still don’t feel like I’m enough.
Although I can now recognize it, I need to work on changing that pattern. That’s where therapy comes in.
The difference is that this time, I know where to go for help. I know what type of help to ask for. And, crucially, I feel zero embarrassment about saying I need that help.
The first two times I went to therapy, I stayed quiet and stewed in shame. Here are three reasons I’m telling people about it this time around.
1. Suffering is a universal human experience.
To be human is to suffer.
It’s almost impossible for us to live a gorgeously rich, fulfilling life and emerge from it completely unscathed.
If we open our hearts, we suffer. If we live our truth, we suffer. If we stand up for what’s right—guess what—we suffer.
Our experiences might not look the same. My story isn’t your story. But the core emotions underneath are what we can relate to.
You might not have had a nervous breakdown at university, for example, but you might have had one at work. You might have had one after having a child. You might even have just realized you’re heading toward one.
Maybe you’ve had a panic attack and you know how that feels. Or maybe you can’t stop yourself from worrying, no matter how hard you try.
Our universal experiences connect us to each other.
When I reveal the depth of my suffering, people open up and show me theirs. We dance in our shared humanity and release our burdens together.
Remember this mantra: It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to admit I need help and support. We all suffer. Admitting I need help isn’t weak; it’s a brave act of reclaiming my mental well-being.
2. Hearing others’ stories normalizes our struggle.
Listening to other people’s stories—on their blogs, podcasts, or books—helped me to accept, and seek help for, my own suffering.
All too often, I wish I’d heard those stories sooner.
When I was twenty-two and running my own business (after reading The Four Hour Work Week), what if I’d known that the book’s author had planned to end his life and still suffers from depression? Would I have put so much pressure on myself to be successful?
Would I have continued to measure myself against him, thinking I wasn’t doing enough? Or would I have seen him as a fellow imperfect human being and perhaps been more vigilant in managing my mental health?
It’s impossible to know, of course. What I do know is that when people share their stories, it helps others who are going through something similar. Instead of judging them, we feel seen and understood. We feel less alone.
It normalizes suffering. And it normalizes talking about, and getting help for, that suffering.
Remember this mantra: There are plenty of people out there who are experiencing (or have experienced) what I’m going through. If they got through it, so can I. There’s hope for me.
3. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
The third and most important reason I’m sharing my journey into therapy is simply that I’m not ashamed of it.
I’m no longer concerned with being perfect, masking my truth, or only showing a polished facade.
What’s far more important to me is to show my humanity. To acknowledge my imperfections. To love my flaws. To let my clients and students know that I’m a work-in-progress.
We live in a superficial culture that values appearances above all else. But if all we care about is how our lives look on the outside, we never get to actually live them. We end up spending more time worrying about how many ‘likes’ we get on our Instagram pictures than we do being present in the moment we take them.
In my experience, the road to freedom is letting go of worrying about what others think.
So much of my anxiety was caused by perpetual imposter syndrome. I wanted to be seen as someone who was bulletproof. Someone who navigated the world with ease and confidence. Someone who was wildly successful (without really trying) and looked good doing it.
I worried about being “found out.” I thought if people knew how much I struggled with anxiety and depression, I’d be seen as a fraud and would be exposed as a failure.
But the people who love and appreciate us for who we really are? Who see our vulnerability and accept us anyway? Those are the people we want in our world.
Remember this: There’s no shame in suffering. The people who love me will support me when I need it. It’s safe to be who I truly am and let people see the real me.
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A Guide to Peace for Anyone with a Crazy, Messed Up Mind
“No thought has any power. You have power. And when you identify and believe in the thought, you give power to the thought.” ~Mooji
It was 2004. I was on day three of a six-month meditation retreat, and my restless and turbulent mind was driving me nuts.
The prospect of sitting on this wretched cushion for another five minutes (let alone six months) was freaking me out.
“What on earth have I let myself in for? This is a crazy idea. I want to go home.”
My restless monkey mind was more like King Kong on amphetamines.
“No, remember how messed up you were before you arrived—and the crazy synchronicity that led you here,” a second, conciliatory voice chipped in.
Destiny had indeed dragged my ass across the world onto this bright red meditation cushion in mysterious ways.
Long story short, my housemate Jack had come to this meditation center after spraining his wrist and having to pull out of a yoga retreat he was supposed to attend in the US.
A few days later, he called me to say he loved it there and believed he’d found his teacher. He was really excited.
At the time, I was going through a particularly difficult period in my life. I had hit a brick wall and had no idea where to turn. So you can imagine my delight when I received a message from Jack, saying, “You’ll never guess what happened. I was talking to my teacher about you and he said, ‘Tell him to come to Canada as soon as he can and not to worry about the money. Just come.’”
Ten days later, I found myself perched on a bright red meditation cushion on a stunning property in the Canadian Rockies.
And this is where the real story begins.
As I sat on my cushion on day three, my restless mind was spinning out on overdrive. I needed help.
Unable to sit any longer, I stood up and approached the head monk:
“I’m really struggling here. I need to talk,” I said.
The conversation that ensued remains etched in my mind to this day. It went something like this:
“What’s the problem?” he asked with a look of compassion.
“I can’t stop thinking,” I replied.
“No, you can’t,” he smiled.
I was taken aback. It wasn’t the answer I was expecting.
“Nobody can. If you didn’t have a crazy, messed up mind, you wouldn’t be human.”
“But I’m going nuts. My mind is driving me crazy,” I pleaded.
“What the mind gets up to needn’t be any of your business,” he continued. “You are suffering because you’re open for business. You need to shut up shop. Just relax, be alert, and focus on your breath. Let the thoughts come and go without resistance. Leave the mind in peace to do its thing and it will leave you in peace to do yours. The mind can only trouble you if you entertain it.”
If You Didn’t Have A Crazy, Messed Up Mind, You Wouldn’t Be Human
Boy, that’s quite a statement!
We tend to see ourselves as special cases.
Nobody is quite as screwed up as I am, right?
If people only knew the nonsense that goes on inside my head, I’d have no friends at all, right?
Over the following six-month period, many of my long-held beliefs about the nature of the mind and the causes of suffering crumbled away.
When I showed up in Canada, I was riddled with self-judgment. I believed that finding peace (if it was even possible, which I doubted) would be a monumental task, requiring a complete overhaul of my broken mind.
Here are some of the key points I came to understand:
- Being messed up is an inevitable and unavoidable part of being human. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
- Peace of mind is an illusion because restlessness is the nature of mind. Disturbance and mind are one and the same thing.
- You don’t need to change or fix your thoughts in order to experience peace. You need to recognize the mind for what it is.
- There is no distance between you and peace. It is available to each of us in every moment… no matter what is going on in the mind.
Over time, I began to grasp and apply what my teacher meant by shutting up shop and minding your own business.
I learned that the key to experiencing ongoing contentment is to leave the mind in peace to do it’s crazy, messed up dance—in other words, to mind your own business.
“Allow thoughts to arise but don’t give them a place to land.” ~Papaji
Peace is the natural consequence of not minding what the mind gets up to.
Fast forward six months and I was a person transformed.
I was now finding my time on the cushion enjoyable and hugely rewarding. I was quite prone to experiencing blissful episodes… even with a chaotic mind. I had never known peace like this before.
I had also, much to my own surprise, taken my novice vows as a monk and received a new name. I wondered how that was going to go down with my family at home!
The following are seven key lessons I learned for dealing with an unruly mind to experience ongoing peace.
1. See the thoughts, don’t be the thoughts.
The first and most important step toward reclaiming your peace is to create some blue sky between you and the mind—to see your thoughts as objects rather than being enmeshed in them.
See the thoughts, don’t be the thoughts.
Thoughts are like clouds floating across the vast sky.
White clouds come and go. Dark clouds come and go. They are temporary and don’t affect the sky in any way. Every cloud is welcome. The sky has no preferences and remains untouched.
And it’s the same with the mind.
Thoughts constantly change but your awareness is like the sky— vast and unchanging.
Learning to step back and observe the passing thoughts with an attitude of dispassion and non-judgmental acceptance is the key to experiencing peace.
The thoughts are not the problem. The real issue is your identification with them. Recognizing this can transform your life in an instant.
2. Know there is nothing wrong with you.
This was a big one for me.
An ‘unholy’ thought appears in your head—a judgmental thought, a resentful thought, or a jealous thought—and you beat yourself up for having it.
You believe that you shouldn’t be having thoughts like these—that there is something wrong with you.
Well, there is nothing wrong. Everybody, without exception, has these kinds of thoughts. It’s called being human.
The mind is part of the human apparatus, just like arms or eyes.
It is very much like a computer. Your cultural conditioning, your DNA, and your unique set of life experiences determine the thoughts it churns out.
Given your background and history, your mind could not be producing thoughts other than the ones it’s producing.
Your thoughts are not personal. They are part of your programming, part of the human condition.
3. Roll out the red carpet.
When thoughts you label “good” enter your awareness, they meet with no resistance. You are quite happy for them to hang around.
When you label a thought as “bad” or “undesirable,” you reject it. It’s unwelcome.
It is this tendency to judge unwanted thoughts as bad or wrong that creates suffering.
Thoughts are not inherently good or bad. You make them so through your labeling. They are neutral events passing through your awareness and left alone, have no power to make you suffer.
Let them come and go. Remain as the observer. Don’t give them a place to land.
Roll out the red carpet for all thoughts—the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Treat all thoughts as honored guests and watch your peace and happiness blossom.
4. The mind is a bigger liar than Pinocchio.
“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional.” ~Byron Katie
Take everything the mind tells you with a large pinch of salt.
Question, in particular, your beliefs and assumptions.
Every day, we unconsciously make so many assumptions.
If you dislike your job, for example, you probably make the assumption, before you even leave the house in the morning, that your day won’t be enjoyable.
Be innocent. Be prepared for surprises.
Ask yourself the question: “Do I know for certain that this belief, this assumption, is true?”
Can you find evidence to support the opposite?
You may well find that it is surprisingly easy to disprove some of your long-held beliefs.
5. Don’t allow thoughts to turn into thinking.
Thoughts are self-arising. They appear by themselves from nowhere. There is nothing you can do to stop them from appearing. It is simply the mind doing what it does.
Thinking, on the other hand, is a choice.
A thought such as: “She hasn’t called for two hours” triggers a stream of thoughts:
“Did I say something wrong? Maybe she’s having second thoughts? She probably finds me unattractive. She looks like she works out a lot. Maybe she thinks I’m not good enough for her.”
This is thinking (and it is also based on unfound beliefs).
The original thought arrived by itself. You didn’t choose it. The resulting stream of thoughts, on the other hand, is something you can choose to indulge in or not.
Thinking is a choice. The more you become aware of your tendency to do this, the easier it becomes to stop yourself mid- sentence.
Most of our thinking is unconscious. We create so much unnecessary suffering for ourselves through a simple lack of awareness.
6. Know you are not your thoughts.
Think of it logically. Anything you can objectify cannot be who you are.
I (the subject) am aware of the book (the object) lying on the table. Therefore, I can’t be the book.
You can apply the exact same logic to thoughts, feelings, emotions, or the mind. Anything I can observe, I can’t be.
Anything I call “my”—my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions—cannot be me.
When you believe you are your thoughts, it is natural that you will judge them as “bad” or “wrong” and judge yourself for having them.
Another metaphor used in meditation is the analogy of the screen and the movie. If there is a fire in the movie, the screen doesn’t get burned.
The awareness that you are remains untouched by anything you are aware of. Your thoughts are not you. They are events passing across the screen of your awareness. Who you are doesn’t change.
The awareness that you are doesn’t know happiness or unhappiness. It is only aware. It is always at peace.
7. Withdraw your attention from the mind.
When I first ‘got’ these simple truths, I had a massive Homer Simpson “DUH” moment.
Why doesn’t everyone see this? It’s so obvious.
And yet, without having had it pointed out to me, I would never have seen that engaging with the mind is optional, not obligatory.
Having better understood the nature of the mind and the difference between thoughts and thinking, I now give it far less importance than I used to.
I am much happier as a result, regardless of what kind of thoughts appear.
Fear thoughts, doubt thoughts, and anger thoughts continue to arise as before. Now I know it’s simply the conditioned mind doing its thing. There is nothing wrong with any of it. I only suffer when I unconsciously resist or judge.
Happiness is not about the absence of unhappy thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It comes from understanding that I am not defined by any of these. They are free to come and go as they please.
The mind has as much or as little power over you as you give it.
The mind is not your enemy. It is your most valuable ally—an incredible servant that is always there for you to use as you choose.
“Mind: a beautiful servant or a dangerous master.” ~Osho
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How Letting Go of the Need to be Special Changed My Life
“Our society has become a conspiracy against joy. It has put too much emphasis on the individuating part of our consciousness—individual reason—and too little emphasis on the bounding parts of our consciousness, the heart and soul.” ~David Brooks
When I was in elementary school, I avoided group projects like the plague. When given the choice to work alone or as part of a team, I always chose to work alone.
When I joined a new class, club, or sport, my parents inquired how I measured up against the rest.
“So what do you think, Hail?” Dad would ask me. “Are you the fastest on the team? Did you get the highest grade?”
In the years that followed I formed clubs, climbed to leadership roles, and sought only the most competitive opportunities.
Later, I became fully self-employed as a coach. I had no colleagues—only clients. In my mid-twenties I moved to the Pacific Northwest in the name of novelty and exploration, leaving behind a thriving, New Jersey-bound network of extended family.
I received a great deal of positive feedback for these decisions. I was succeeding, bucking social convention in favor of self-discovery, and family and friends described me as “brave,” “inspiring,” and “motivated.” I operated by a set of values that included fierce individualism and self-expression.
This tale is as old as time among members of my generation. We’re the generation of digital nomad-hood, “Van Life,” and working from home. We value mobility. Wellness blogs laud alone time as the pinnacle of self-care. We spend hours each day on social media, seeking validation of our uniqueness and our worth.
In The Second Mountain, NYTimes Bestselling Author David Brooks posits that this individualistic ethos is a backlash against the moral ecology of the 1950s, which emphasized group conformity, humility, and self-effacement. Since the 1960s, our culture has increasingly pushed back against collective identities, labels, and experiences, opting instead for boundless self-actualization.
On one hand, I’m viscerally grateful for our culture’s modern emphasis on individualism. Women, especially, have waited centuries to receive cultural support to pursue our dreams and self-actualize. Likewise, as someone in recovery from codependency, I understand the critical importance of honoring my needs, my desires, and my choices. After all, it took years to break free from the shackles of people-pleasing and self-censorship.
However, at a certain point, hyper-individualism stopped serving me and began hindering me. When my own specialness became the orienting principle for how I saw and interacted with the world, I lost touch with the belonging, trust, and community that culminate to form a rich and meaningful life.
Individualism Gone Too Far
As children, our caregivers and teachers celebrate us when we win awards, place first, and stand out. These celebrations become proxies for love—a love we have to work hard to earn.
In adulthood, I hoarded my specialness, terrified that being “one among many”—in my career, in my lifestyle, in my heart—would leave me purposeless. I vested great effort into my hyper-individualism because I subconsciously believed it was the only way to feel seen and valued.
I rarely fathomed the benefits of being a contributor, a member of a group, or a vessel for a greater moral or spiritual cause. I balked at “teamwork” and “service” because they threatened to rob me of my self-assigned elevated status. In fact, I judged those who advocated such ideals. These people have no identity, I scoffed. No dreams of their own.
Though my hyper-individualistic life had many socially sanctioned perks—I developed powerful leadership skills, special occasions found me swollen with pride, and my Instagram following climbed—I grappled with:
Isolation. When I singularly prioritized my personal goals, personal time, and personal life, I didn’t have any allies. I was a lonely team of one. Though I made commitments to people and causes, I could be unreliable, self-centered, and flighty when better opportunities arose. I assumed that others would be the same. This left me with a sense of loneliness and skepticism that underscored even my most treasured connections.
Detachment. A life dictated by hyper-individualism is a life detached from true connection. I often felt like a free-floating satellite, certain that no community—geographical, political, artistic, you name it—could give me as much joy as the pursuit of my goals.
Anxiety. When our identities are based on being special, life is a relentless uphill climb. We will never be enough; we must constantly strive to be better, try harder, and achieve more. Under such circumstances, self-compassion is a distant possibility. Instead, anxiety becomes our daily companion, the soft whisper that erodes opportunities for peace and contentment.
Finding Balance
Throughout my years of hyper-individualistic thinking, I never realized that when we devote parts of ourselves to others, we benefit—really benefit—in return. The benefits of service and community aren’t just fluffy incentives for inspirational posters. Purpose, belonging, and a deep sense of trust arise when we willingly commit ourselves to other people, other causes, and other definitions of a meaningful life.
I began to understand this truth when I befriended members of a group whose guiding principles espoused service, humility, and community. Upon first exposure to these ideals, my entire being revolted. These were the contrived, sing-song “values” that I’d spent my life trying to avoid.
I spent months in a state of schism. On the one hand, I didn’t see how an other-centered life could serve me; I wasn’t taught to. I could only imagine how it would crush my identity and distract from my dreams. My ego was terrified. I wanted to hightail it out of there.
But something kept me there, bearing silent witness to my discomfort, eyeing this community with curiosity. My new friends seemed anything but identity-less. In fact, they seemed embodied, peaceful, and genuinely happy. Their lives were not dictated by the ever-changing highs and lows of daily successes. They emanated groundedness and seemed to lack the existential woes that plagued most members of my generation.
In retrospect, I believe I stayed because a part of me—a deeply hidden and deeply human part—was lonely, tired of the narrowness of my world, and craving something more.
One night, something happened. My desperate, exhausted ego relinquished its grasp on my hyper-individualism. It was as if a switch had flipped within me. I felt a sudden, fierce desire to entrench myself in commitments to communities, to people, to a moral philosophy I could call my own. I felt like a wide-eyed, open-hearted child asking, “What now?”
I don’t know exactly what happened that night— but since then, my values and philosophy have shifted with no effort on my part. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
I feel more deeply connected to the people around me.
Before, I spent most interactions with others noticing our differences. Disparities in age, experience, privilege, and values felt as palpable and prohibitive as walls. Now, I find myself noting similarities and relating more deeply to others’ experiences. Their stories penetrate the walls of my heart because I’m not hyper-focused on myself. My eyes well with tears at narratives of tragedy and stories of joy. Rich wells of empathy have taken up residence in me.
My anxiety decreased dramatically.
I no longer spend my days driven by the compulsion to overachieve or “prove” my value. My worth no longer depends on being special—and it’s liberating! Instead of being swallowed by a self-referential whirlwind, plagued by decision fatigue and perfectionism, I’m able to slow down, interact deeply and meaningfully with others, and relax into the comfort of my communities.
I’m more curious.
When specialness was my orienting principle, the only information I wanted to consume was related to my personal growth and my goals. Letting go of hyper-individualism allowed me to feel more a part of the human race and more a part of this Earth.
Now, information of all kinds fascinates me. I get a kick out of watching Blue Planet, going to lectures on helicopter parenting, and reading memoirs by Midwestern farmers. None of this information is directly relevant to my experience, but it doesn’t matter. I’m intrigued by what the world has to offer.
I know that everything’s going to be okay.
Relinquishing my hyper-individualism helped me understand that I’ll never be truly alone. Now that I’m willing to commit myself deeply to others, I experience newfound depths of intimacy, trust, and safety. Even if I suffer a tragedy or loss, I will have a thick web of people to support me. I know this to be true because I would do the same for others.
When I began this journey, I was certain that if I let go of my fierce individualism, I’d become amorphous and mundane. Instead, I became more deeply entrenched in the world around me. It has been an incredible gift.
We tend to understand self-actualization as learning how to feel our feelings, comprehend our values, pursue our dreams, and express our highest selves. I believe that that’s true—and I believe that there’s more. Once we feel embodied in our own identities, I believe that the utmost manifestation of self-actualization is commitment to something greater: love for other people, overarching values, or warm communities.
Letting go of the need to be special allowed me to see, with clear eyes, the abundance of connection, compassion, intimacy, and community all around me. It helped me begin to experience the world in its fullness—not as a leader, a facilitator, or a director, but as a member, participant, and recipient of its daily miracles.
