Tag: wisdom
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Connecting to the Sacred in the Chaos of Everyday Life
“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone—we find it with another.” ~Thomas Merton
Seth: When Aria and I decided to devote a year to encouraging one another in our mindfulness practice, we couldn’t have known what those twelve months had in store.
I had always enjoyed good health—“taken for granted good health” is more accurate—and suddenly I was faced with major health challenges of unknown origin. Countless trips to doctors and other professionals provided no explanation for my chronically low energy, nightly insomnia, digestive issues, vocal problems, and eventually a deep depression.
In happier times two years earlier, I had attended Aria’s wedding in Northumberland, England. It was an incredible weekend—misty morning walks in a labyrinth, pounding rain on the roof of the old stone church during the exchange of vows, shared meals at a long wooden table in the long afternoon light. We both felt that our hearts were so open, and it was easy to focus our attention on what we truly cared about.
The day after the ceremony we marveled together at the deep sense of connection we experienced throughout the weekend. It wasn’t entirely surprising, of course, given the circumstances and the explicit focus on love. But if it was possible then, why couldn’t we nurture that quality of presence and open-heartedness in our day-to-day lives?
That shared question led us to our year-long collaboration in finding the sacred in everyday life. For a full calendar year we wrote to each other every day, urging one another to connect with what we held most dear. We took turns—Aria would send me a mindfulness practice one day, and I would send him one the next.
Aria: During the year I had a surreal realization with profound clarity. Everything that mattered—everything that was truly important—was relational: my wife, our families, our dog, and our friends. These were the foundation stones of my happiness. Everything else—work, money, reputation— seemed like a game. They were fun, but they weren’t issues of life or death.
Seth’s messages reminded me that sometimes we lose ourselves in the game. We become so immersed in the narrative we’re spinning that we forget it’s just a story. It’s like living in the Matrix. The game seems like it’s more important than everything else, as though it’s the center of our universe.
Then, now and again we gain that beautiful, tender, precious thing called perspective and let out a sigh of relief. We breathe softly and deeply, connecting on a deeper level to ourselves and simultaneously to something even greater.
At times, this perspective comes at a cost. The loss of a loved one or the pain of a reality that we don’t want to accept may force it upon us.
The year that we wrote to one another was challenging in a myriad of ways, from working with children with terminal cancer, to nearby London terrorist attacks, to unexpected deaths. However, there were also highlights, one of which for me was running my first ultra-marathon in South Africa. Wherever we were in the world, and whatever was happening in our lives, waking up to a mindful message from Seth was deeply grounding and uplifting.
Seth: Aria’s messages were a constant lifeline during the difficulties of that year, providing an opportunity at least daily to check my automatic reactions to difficulties and come back to center.
I remember in particular walking home one evening after work, wiped out from the day and feeling like I had nothing to give my wife and kids once I got home. I dreaded subjecting my family to my low mood and to the person I’d become.
As I struggled to walk up a gentle hill in the falling darkness, I remembered Aria’s encouragement that day—to focus on the qualities we want to embody in our interactions with others. I settled on love, joy, and strength, and realized the evening didn’t have to be a complete loss. It ended up being a positive time with the people I love, instead of the sad mess I’d feared.
Aria: There was something particularly comforting about receiving a thoughtful note from someone who cares deeply about you. Knowing that another person is holding you in mind is profoundly powerful, especially when you’re struggling.
Sometimes it’s difficult to feel the sunlight. We can see the sun shining, but the rays don’t seem to touch us. We know intellectually that we have much to be grateful for in life, but we can’t feel it.
During these times, Seth helped me to appreciate that life is to be experienced rather than solved. There is no one way we should be feeling. Our moods ebb and flow, sometimes quickly, other times more slowly. All things change. Acknowledging this gave me the freedom to still act, just without expecting my behavior to change how I felt.
We can all still take steps, but without tying our happiness to a “successful outcome.” We can return to the basic pillars of wellbeing: wholesome food, quality sleep, meditation, checking in with the present moment, and connecting to the people we love. We can nourish ourselves and let go of any expectations. We can remind ourselves that what will be will be, and at the same time, all will be well.
Over the course of the twelve months writing to one another, our relationship grew and deepened. Knowing that a friend was depending on me was a big responsibility, but it also provided meaning in my own life.
It wasn’t always easy: in the beginning I spent hours crafting the next email to Seth. At the end of a long or tough day, sitting down to write may have been one of the last things that my mind wanted to do. However, a little like doing exercise, I always felt better afterward. Ironically, serving someone else nourished my own mind and body. We gain something by giving. Writing to Seth connected me to what I value most: compassion, authenticity, and love.
Seth: If you’ve craved greater connection to your core self and the people and things you care about, there are many possible avenues. Common approaches include prayer, reading sacred texts or a daily devotional book, and mindfulness practices like yoga or sitting meditation.
Whatever approach you choose, consider partnering with someone you love for some period of time: a month, six months, a year, even longer. It could be a best friend, a spouse or partner, a sibling—someone you trust implicitly.
Talk with your loved one about what each of you wants to focus on during the process. We had decided in advance on themes like presence, simplicity, and service. How would you like the other person to encourage you? What kinds of reminders will be most helpful to them?
Decide together on a format for encouraging one another in your mindfulness practice. For example, you might send each other quotes that you find meaningful, reflections for the day, an invitation to apply mindful awareness in a specific area, or whatever you like. You could also consider doing sitting meditation together—a so-called “medidate.”
Whatever you choose, allow it to nourish not only your individual and spiritual practice, but the quality of your connection to your loved one. Whatever joys and struggles you experience together, your relationship will never be the same.
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Radical Gratitude: How to Turn Your Pain into Peace
My journey to living in gratitude began in 2010. And let me say that up until that time, until I was age forty-five, I was a complainer, griper, and a whiner, with absolutely no reason to complain!
Luckily, I was saved from these very wasteful, counter-productive habits when I was given a blank journal one Thanksgiving season by a New Thought minister, who told us if we journaled five things we were grateful for forty days, our life would change exponentially for the better.
I dutifully wrote my gratitude lists, and oh my god, my life did change. It worked! I let go of complaining and started focusing on all the good in my life, and there is plenty.
Since then:
1. I have written five or ten things to be grateful for almost every day for years and years. Each morning and each evening, I also reflect on what I am thankful for.
2. I have realized (and I am thankful) that it is now my calling and passion to share the power of gratitude to inspire others.
3, Because of my passion to share gratitude, I have written and published five books on gratitude!
Nowadays, I keep my gratitude practice alive and well by sending out daily email gratitude reflections to a group, and I also write letters to the universe several times a week about what I am thankful for now, and in advance. I find that each year, my gratitude practice expands. Nowadays, I often write paragraphs rather than a short list about what I am grateful for.
Did you know that scientific studies prove that being grateful helps to be more peaceful, more joyful, and healthier? It is said that you cannot be simultaneously mad or depressed while being grateful, and I’ve found this to be true.
It is my belief that we can almost always find a reason to be grateful, even when confronted with tragedies, unexpected disasters, or even ill health—a practice known as “radical gratitude.” And this holds true for challenging people in our lives as well. Here are two disclaimers:
- Forgiveness and acceptance can often be key to finding the gratitude in a situation, but these two concepts will not be discussed in this article. The article would be too long!
- One more disclaimer: I realize there are some tragedies where a person cannot ever feel gratitude, such as losing a loved one or being sexually abused. It may not work for everybody and every situation.
But more often than not, we can find the gratitude in negative situations in our life.
My Personal Experience of Finding Gratitude in Tough Times
In the summer of 2018, Oregon (where I live) had many devastating wildfires. We watched in horror and disbelief as it came closer and closer to our home. It became obvious we would probably be evacuated. The smoke was black, firefighters and National Guard were checking everyone’s IDs before letting them enter the street to our house.
Neighbors and I got out of our cars to stop and watch it burning fields and trees so close to our homes. I tried to keep a positive attitude, but it got to be only a half-mile up the street from our house. Very, very scary! I love where we live, and the thought of losing our home was terrifying.
On a Saturday afternoon, as I tried to take a nap to escape, our phones started ringing and texting that we were in Level 3, evacuation time. Get out now.
We took our dogs and my cockatiels, computer, important papers, and some clothes and left the rest. We were evacuated for six days and got to come home—all houses and neighbors were thankfully safe and sound. Here are my gratitude takeaways:
1. We were taken in by friends from the Center for Spiritual Living where I attend, and actually about eight other people had offered us refuge as well. I am very grateful for that, and for Alison and Gary who made us feel at home, helping me set my computer up at their house so I could work and putting up with us and our messy pets. We all became much closer friends through this experience, and we socialize with them regularly.
2. I am now grateful for the firefighters and all personnel who helped—in my heart, not only in my head. They are amazing!
3. I think the biggest gratitude I have for the wildfire experience is that I was able to surrender and let go of coming back to our home. This was the only way to stay sane, and that was a gift. After all, it is love, not possessions that matter, and I got clearer on that through the experience.
When I was thirty-five, I lost my beautiful mother when she was only fifty-seven through cancer. This was a horrible time in my life. I remember waking up feeling good and then immediately feeling dread and sorrow, when I remembered that Mom would die soon.
One of my gratitude takeaways from that grief-stricken time is that I was Mom’s main caregiver, and that brought me much closer to her in those last nine months. My sisters and I got closer because of that experience, and that was the first time I got introduced to A Course in Miracles, a spiritual set of lessons that changed my life for the better.
My mother had what I called “Angels” helping her from The Center for Attitudinal Healing in Tiburon, CA and they studied A Course in Miracles, which prompted me to study it as well, because they were so giving and inspirational to me.
Also, before she died, my mother spent time reflecting on her cancer and what could have caused it, and felt that being a people-pleaser and fearful all her life had prompted the disease. She left me with the message not to be like her, which I am very grateful for and have always remembered, and changed my codependent behavior because of it. Additionally, we had time to say goodbye, which cancer usually provides, and that was a big blessing too.
One more example that changed my life incredibly in so many ways was going through a divorce after twenty-four years. This was a very difficult decision, I wasn’t sure if it was the right one, and my ex-husband ended up deciding for us. I was heartbroken. So heartbroken that I finally sought out the Center for Spiritual Living, in Santa Rosa, CA, which many people in my life had gently suggested I might attend because they felt I would love it too. And I did!
From the moment I entered, I got tears in my eyes, seeing all the loving, warm people. As I listened to the talk, I realized even more that this would be my spiritual home the rest of my life, and it has been.
I am eternally grateful for my divorce now. I took the spiritual classes voraciously; became a licensed practitioner, now serving in Oregon where I live. I am blessed to teach spiritual classes and workshops, and in 2019, I spoke at two Centers for Spiritual Living about the topics in this article.
I eventually met my second husband, who I have been with for almost twenty years, and we are much more compatible. He asked me to move to Oregon and I did. And I am in love with the forest, rivers, and beauty. None of this would have happened had I stayed in my first marriage. Very thankful!
In each of these cases, some gratitude was easily available, but more came later. It may take time, even many years to find the gratitude, but looking for it helps your healing.
I want to mention several well-known people and how they found radical gratitude in their lives. Each is very inspiring to me!
Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who ended up being put into a concentration camp during the Holocaust, and amazingly, found a way to stay positive. He ended up writing a very impactful book as a result of his experience—Man’s Search for Meaning—which has sold fifteen million copies and thus, impacted so many people’s lives.
His premise is that we need to find meaning in life, and that will help carry us through even the hardest situations. He was a walking example. Here is a quote from his powerful book:
“Everything can be taken…but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Will Pye who wrote a wonderful book on the subject of radical gratitude, The Gratitude Prescription, after he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and, through gratitude, healed himself completely.
Here is a quote from his excellent book:
“In looking at our self and our life story through the lens of gratitude, we can come into contact with the beauty and heroism inherent in every human alive. Gratitude for self supports a compassion encompassing all of us.”
There are other examples too, of physical healing, where the person ends up being grateful for the illness. Anita Moorjani realized on a deep level that we are love after a near death experience, and could let go of her fear of cancer completely, and had a spontaneous remission. It is her calling to share her findings with others, and she wrote a beautiful book about her experience, Dying to Be Me, which has reached millions of people across the world.
Helen Keller has always been one of my heroes. Even though she was deaf and blind at such a young age, she somehow always found reasons to express her gratitude. I share a very powerful quote from her:
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched—they must be felt with the heart. I thank God for my handicaps. So much has been given me, I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied.”
In conclusion, I truly believe that we can almost always find gratitude in even the most challenging situations. It may take time, so be patient. Life is about how we respond to it, and we are always at choice, like Victor Frankl and Helen Keller so beautifully prove. I feel my own life examples also show this.
Being radically grateful is not always easy but incredibly worthwhile. Our attitude truly affects our lives, and living with gratitude is powerful beyond measure.
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Why I Was a People-Pleaser and How I Stopped
“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “no” to yourself.” ~Paulo Coehlo
For as long as I can remember I have been a people pleaser. I have prided myself on being well-liked, on saying yes and never saying no. I go out of my way for people even when it’s inconvenient for me. I have felt proud that a skill of mine is accommodating people so much so that I am needed. I avoid conflict; I make the jokes. I am happiest when I feel like people are happy with me.
For some time, this felt like a good thing to me. I felt helpful. I liked being described as easy going. By making myself likeable, I was making everything around me better, more stable. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do, all that mattered was what I should do.
But then there were the other times. The times where I felt I acted outside of myself just to please someone else and be liked. The times I have done things out of my character, said yes to people who didn’t deserve yes, and went above and beyond just to keep the peace.
I had never thought about the why behind this behavior until this year when a friend asked me for a favor. This was something I had done before for this friend, but it would inconvenience me greatly on this specific day, one that I had packed full of necessary obligations and chores.
I typed out an answer to decline and erased it at least six times before I asked myself, why was I so afraid to say no? Why did I always feel so afraid to say no? Why did saying no to something I actually could not commit to cause me so much anxiety? Why was I always trying so hard to please everyone around me?
The answer came when I started examining my past, particularly by examining the first people in my life I ever felt the need to please—my parents. Many of my memories of my parents’ marriage are joyful. They are memories of times we’d go on family vacations, soak up the sun together, and go on great adventures. There are memories and video evidence of happy holidays filled with laughter, excitement, and joy.
Then there are the other times. The times when they would scream at one another, throw things at one another, and spew negativity and hate. There were slammed doors and physical struggles between the both of them to get to the other. There were weeks-long silent treatments, threats, police called, a house filled with eggshells for floors.
It was in this environment I learned what to do to cause the least amount of added complication. It was in this environment I became what I needed to be to add the least amount of stress to an already terribly stressful situation. It was in this environment I became a people pleaser.
All of my life I never considered the effect growing up in that environment had on me, but suddenly everything became so clear. This is where all of it came from. This is where the part of me that has been so afraid to make any kind of wave derives from. This is where the me that is afraid to add to any chaos or upset anyone and the me that is has been so eager to please just to keep the peace comes from.
When I realized this, I finally started to make peace with many of the decisions I had and had not made. I made peace with the part of me that wants everything to always be okay, predictable, and planned. I made peace with the part of me that has acted beside myself just to fit in. I made peace with the part of me that has lied just to be liked. I made peace with this part of me and have started to let go.
Not everyone will be pleased with me at all times, and that is okay. I can be the source of chaos. I can be the stress of a situation, and that is okay too. Saying no won’t make the people in my life scold me, hate me, or leave me. And if they do, that relationship wasn’t strong enough to begin with.
There are reasons behind the reactions you have, the ways you act and the ways you think. The negative behaviors, those draining thought patterns—they can all be sourced back to different moments in your life.
By examining these patterns and questioning these behaviors, we are able to identify their source and see why it is so necessary for us to let them go, no matter how safe and stable these patterns have made us feel.
If you are ever acting in a way that confuses you and brings you unnecessary anxiety, I encourage you to question yourself and ask exactly where this feeling is coming from. It may be one of the most powerful things you ever do.
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How to Reap the Benefits of Meditation Without Meditating
“Absorb what is useful, discard what is useless and add what is specifically your own.” ~Bruce Lee
The benefits of meditation are far reaching and have been well known for centuries. However, the idea of formal meditation doesn’t sit well with some of us.
The idea of sitting cross-legged for extended periods and delving inward puts many of us off before we’ve even got started. Even the word “meditation” can be a very real barrier to entry for some. What a shame, as the many benefits of meditation can be good for us all.
Those benefits can include:
- A reduction in the stress we feel
- A deeper sense of calm and relaxation in our lives
- Reduced feelings of anxiety
- A better understanding of what we truly think/feel/want
- Less feelings of anger, hurt, or disquiet
- Being more present
- Being more content
- A better understanding of who we really are
This little list is just starting to scratch the surface. Meditating can be that powerful.
If meditating in a more traditional way for extended periods feels right for you, all power to you— please continue with your journey. If that isn’t you, don’t worry, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be.
If you recoil a little when meditation is mentioned but still want to reap some of the rewards, I hope to offer several ideas that might work for you. But first, a bit of personal reflection.
I Confess I Do Not Have a Formal Meditation Practice
As someone that writes books and a blog all under the broad umbrella of simplicity and that can often be found leafing through books and words by Thich Nhat Hanh, Bruce Lee, Sun Tzu, and Lao Tzu, it may surprise you to know I do not consider myself to have a formal meditation practice.
Perhaps somewhat out of step with the trend of our time, my morning routine (if I even have one) does not have time carved out for sitting cross-legged in a quiet room, reflecting on the universe at large.
Don’t get me wrong, I admire that others do this, but it never really felt like a fit for me. I’ve tried to make it a habit, at a few points in my life, but it just hasn’t stuck.
If I’m honest, I think the word “meditation” itself intimidates many of us. We perceive it to mean we need some special point of entry, or skillset, to reap the rewards.
All this said, perhaps paradoxically, I am also totally sold on the benefits of meditation and I want them to be a part of my life. I just happen to believe you can get those benefits in other ways. Your formal practice doesn’t have to be formal, and you don’t even have to call it a “practice.”
This is where the art of meditating without meditation comes in.
Meditation without Meditating in Action: My Top 6
Here are some of my favorite ways to achieve some of meditation’s powerful benefits without actually feeling like I am meditating.
1. Walking
Walking is my ultimate reset. It blows away the mental cobwebs that can accumulate. It provides new stimulus and re-energises a tired mind. Complex problems I’ve been struggling with can suddenly feel like they fall into place on a good, long walk. A fresh perspective can somewhat magically drift into view.
I like to walk early, before the rush and before the noise of human traffic drowns out the birds singing. Depending on where I am, I like to walk as close to nature as possible (a nice park, a beach, a hike over rolling hills). This is as close as I consider I get to a formal meditative practice.
2. Being at one with the outdoors and nature
The natural world is a passion for me. Something that breathes life and color into any day, if I just make time to stop and notice what is going on around me. I find it grounding and uplifting all at once.
Nature presents us with a constant wonderland. It’s easy to take this for granted. We can fix this by spending some time just being at one with nature and reconnecting with the great outdoors, and we’ll feel so much better for it.
Be amazed by that spider’s web glistening with the morning’s dew.
Take in the sun rising and setting.
Make time to watch the clouds moving overhead, soak up the inspiration that comes from the view.
Be endlessly in awe at nature’s ability to evolve, adapt, and deal with challenges.
Enjoy the offerings of new life and renewal each and every spring, by making deliberate time to stop and notice.
3. Losing myself in music (art)
Some would say this is cheating, as you are using outside stimulus to get a response; I say call it what you will. The benefits that people claim to get from meditation, I have and feel from losing myself in music.
Music is transformative. It can lift our mood on our darkest days, it can ease anxiety when we feel on edge about something, it can shift our mindset.
We can leverage different music at different times to support our state of well-being. Music is one of life’s true pleasures for me, one of the very last things I would want to give up.
However, if music isn’t quite as powerful a force in your own life, perhaps there is something else that is. Literature can, and does, serve the same end. Or a beautiful painting or sculpture that really moves us, or even a really great movie. All of the above can be transformative, life-affirming, and even life-changing ways we can apply ourselves.
4. Seeking stillness
Seeking stillness may sound like a total contrast to the earlier suggestion to listen to music; maybe it is or isn’t, but this time is necessary for me. This is time to let my mind just drift without expecting too much of anything from it. Letting it wander where it wanders. In a results-orientated culture, we can spend too little time here.
Cut to the core, this is actually what meditation is all about. For me, all it really means is taking the time to get in touch with our own thoughts and finding a point of reflection. It’s cutting out the external world for a while and tuning into frequency us. It’s about reconnecting with the signal, amongst the noise.
This is time to turn off the phone, unplug from the internet, and make space for some calm in our day.
Disconnecting a little from the busy world around us, to reconnect with ourselves.
No special cushion necessary, unless you want one, no special seating position necessary unless it helps trigger the state. Just make a commitment to be mindful and find some stillness in your own way.
5. Creating
For me this means writing and playing guitar.
Writing, in particular, is something I spend much time on. I feel better on days and weeks that I have made time to write creatively. Ideas flow freely and come out on the page. I make sense of thoughts and words and try to communicate as effectively as I can, then I refine (edit). When I am truly in a writing flow, this creative process can definitely feel meditative.
6. Exercise (calisthenics, yoga, and breathwork)
I am a fan and practitioner of calisthenics (working with one’s bodyweight as the weight). I find this form of training both physically demanding and endlessly interesting. I enjoy the raw simplicity.
Learning new moves or practicing well-worn moves, trying to perfect them, also has a meditative effect. I’m totally in the practice, and often have to be if the move in question is getting hard or has a balancing element. Trying to create whole body tension for some moves also means I need to be aware of where my breath is (am I holding it somewhere or letting it flow?).
Yoga is relatively new to me and I have been slow to embrace it, perhaps somewhat surprisingly as my wife is a yoga practitioner and teacher and has encouraged me to give it a proper go for years. Knucklehead that I am, I finally took note and I’ve come to really enjoy this time. I now make time for working on the mat through my week, amongst other exercise I do.
As I am new to the yoga poses themselves, and how different teachers teach, I find I have to be totally present for yoga. No time to think about what comes after or what has just happened; to keep up with the class I have to listen. This has a calming effect on body and soul on the best days.
The breathwork, and constant queues to focus on breath, have also made me aware of where I tend to keep tension (physically and mentally).
Reframing Meditation
What’s great about this list is that you can use these practices interchangeably, and they can happily co-exist at the same time.
I think the “meditation” label puts as many off as it attracts. In busy and distracted times, this is a missed opportunity for us all to feel the benefits.
When we forget the labels, all we’re doing with the practices above is resetting a little. The art of meditating without meditating if you like.
Give it a go. String these resets together on a regular basis and feel the benefits for yourself. Who knows, maybe you’ll even be open to further experiments in formal meditative practice after doing so. If not, just find your own way. Keep what works for you, discard what doesn’t, and call it what you want, or call it nothing at all.
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The Skills You Need to Survive Stress When It Hits
“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ~William James
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt your world was ending? When the stress was overwhelming and you were so miserable, all you wanted to do was wallow in it and growl at the world from underneath the bed covers?
Or maybe you worry about things that might happen in the future. Do you see a minor accident on the road and have those flashes of imagining that your partner or your child died in a car crash?
Does your imagination crawl in horror over how you might survive such a terrible event?
Or maybe your cousin has had a stroke, and you wonder if it runs in the family and you’re next.
Do you wonder how you would cope if that were the real situation? Do you think that you have the resources and strategies you need to get yourself through the crisis?
My coping mechanisms were severely tested recently. Here’s my story and what I learned about gratitude and coping with stress.
Waking Up with Only Half My Face Working
Three weeks ago, I woke up to find I was suffering from semi-facial paralysis. My right eye did not blink or close. My mouth could barely open on the affected side. And when I tried to smile, I could only manage a very crooked grin—the right side just didn’t move.
The pain was bad, shooting up into my head like an electric shock landing in the center of my brain.
I woke up my husband. The ambulance came, and I was rushed off to A&E, or ER, or, in my case in Portugal, the Sala da Emergência.
I thought I’d had a stroke. I lay on the trolley, feeling sorry for myself and wondering what kind of life I might have by the end of the day.
How Learning to Cope with Stress is Like Learning to Fish When Hungry
Some people seem to cope effortlessly with whatever life throws at them—maybe it’s genetics, maybe it’s upbringing. But most of us struggle. We have to work hard to find peace amidst a storm of chaos.
Sometimes it feels too overwhelming, and we sink into despair, anxiety, and depression. We turn to crutches such as comfort food, sleeping pills, or alcohol.
But a crutch is a temporary fix to tide you over. Long-term crutches can mean you forget how to walk. We need to embody skills that work for the rest of our lives.
It’s like teaching a man to fish. Show him how to use a fishing rod, and he has a means of getting food for the rest of his life. It’s the same for coping with stress. We need skills, strategies, and tools we can use on a daily basis so that when the blows strike, we’re ready and resilient.
So where can we look for the skills and fishing rods that help us cope with overwhelming stress?
Learning to Use 5 Fishing Rods That Hook You Away from Stress
Here are basic skills that I drew on when I was waiting to hear the medical verdict in the hospital.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an expert on any of these skills. But these are the ones that worked for me. There are others. But maybe you wouldn’t have thought of these basic things as skills or tools that actually work to cope with life-threatening events.
1. Breathing is the simplest tool.
Yeah, well, we all do that all the time, don’t we?
Yes, we do. But stress tends to make us breathe more shallowly, so getting into the habit of regular deep breathing when you’re not stressed can help dissipate the crippling effects of stress when it strikes you hard.
Deep breathing triggers your parasympathetic nervous system and quietens the fight or flight response. (I did deep breathing in the MRI machine.)
2. Meditation is another.
Down the millennia, learning to meditate has started with concentrating on breathing, but you can take it further. With practice comes peace and transforming happiness. It takes time and regular practice. Then meditation gives you a place to go to find the calm to cope with harrowing life events. (I used this as a means of getting through the pain to sleep.)
3. Exercise.
When you’re feeling that miserable, the last thing you may feel like doing is going out walking or running or going down to the gym. But exercise triggers endorphins in your brain, so it’s a great tool to help you cope with stressful events. It can be as effective as drugs in controlling pain and stress.
See it as a tool you can use to lift a mood, even just a little bit, and soon you’ll see exercise as a great stress buster. (Actually, I didn’t use this tool, as I could barely walk because my balance was affected. But I’m starting to use it as I improve.)
4. Talk to friends and family.
Just telling people about a problem can help you. You’ll feel supported if you feel someone’s listening. Feeling acknowledged gives you strength to cope. Developing your social network is a vital life skill. (Can’t thank my friends, neighbors, and family enough for the support they’ve given me. They were wonderful!)
5. Choose your reaction.
You may have no choice about being flung into a stressful crisis, but you do have the choice of how you’re going to react. Our immediate reaction might be fight or flight followed by a large dose of panic. Much better to pause and engage the brain to give yourself mental space to concentrate on choosing how to react.
Mastering the Skill of Choosing Your Reaction: The Power of Gratitude Journaling
What I have found hardest is the skill of choosing your reaction.
For the last year, I’ve grappled with the concepts and practice of gratitude journaling. It seemed such an alien practice to me, kind of false and insincere, merely going through the motions. In a half-hearted way, I’ve kept a gratitude journal.
On the other hand, there is a lot of science as well as celebrities endorsing its effectiveness.
It’s dead simple: All you do is write down three to five things for which you’re grateful or thankful or that brought you joy. You can do it every day or every few days—just do it regularly.
According to the science, it opens your mind to looking for the positive in everything. It trains your mind not only to look for happiness but actually to be happy with what you already have. It stops you from taking what you have for granted. You learn to appreciate people, possessions, and events in new ways.
Eventually, it alters the structure of your brain and even changes your personality to one more positive in outlook.
It takes time, but the benefits abound—better sleep, better health, better social relationships, less pain, lower blood pressure, and more energy.
So, does it really work? Let me take you back to the hospital where I was lying on the trolley feeling miserable.
Not Dead Yet: The Tide of Gratitude Turns
After I’d seen the triage nurse and been sent for blood tests, I started to realize I couldn’t just wallow in self-pity. Okay, I was sick, very sick, but not dead yet.
I started to look around and see how the hospital system worked. I saw how the truly kind staff worked so hard to make everyone comfortable. I watched and marveled at their skill at changing beds with patients still in them. I saw the care they put into dealing with a fractious old lady. (No, it wasn’t me!).
They sent me for a CAT scan. I marveled at the machines that helped find a diagnosis, at the pain relief from drugs. I could see the system working, for others and for me.
Suddenly, I was able to rise above the misery of my own illness. It was a shift in perception. All these people and all these facilities surrounding me were devoted to helping me and the other patients. And help me they did!
Boy was I grateful!
I felt better, even though I couldn’t close my eye or blink, my sight in that eye had faded, I couldn’t hear in one ear, my speech was slurred, and sitting or standing up saw me in a tizzy of vertigo.
I was so grateful for a health system that could deal with my emergency.
The Flood of Well-Being from Gratitude
As I was flooded with this powerful feeling of thanks, I learned that you have to dig deep into the emotions to reap the benefits of gratitude, to feel the benefits of optimism. But when I needed it, it came bubbling through.
And that flood of well-being hasn’t left me. I’m slowly and cheerfully recovering.
Yes, it will take time, but already my smile is returning as the paralysis recedes. Each day I’m grateful for my happy life in this lovely country I’ve recently moved to.
I realized that all the effort I’d made trying to reap the elusive benefits of gratitude journaling did actually work. I chose to look at my own situation, to reject the self-pity, and see the positive. I chose my reaction to my crisis, and it pulled me into recovery.
Stress Busting: Practice Makes Perfect
So how about practicing the skills for when you need them?
Take a few deep breaths every day so that when you start to feel stressed, it’s natural to start breathing that way.
Put the effort into supporting your friends and family. Maybe try a bit of meditating.
Take the time to keep your gratitude journal. Just write down a few things you’re really grateful for: the splash of cheerful color from that flower blooming in the garden, the chatty email you got from your friend, the delicious piece of cake your neighbor brought you.
Then, the next time that disaster scenario leaps into your imagination, imagine how you’ll choose your reaction. You won’t go into panic mode. See yourself using the skills that you’ve been honing, dealing with the crisis in a positive way, or even preventing the crisis in the first place.
Then imagine that it happens for real: You scarcely need to think of the skills you need, as your daily practice makes it natural for them to kick in straight away. That’s just the way you operate these days.
Starting with a few words that recognize a benefit and pleasure that you’ve enjoyed, you’ll learn a skill that can, in the end, make a difference to your whole life.
Get writing today.
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10 Things I’ve Let Go and How This Has Set Me Free
“I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves.” ~ Louise Hay
Looking back on my life, I came to understand that perfection was my worst enemy. I was raised in an environment of high expectation, and every day in school felt like I was competing with others and fighting to be the best in class.
At the age of ten I believed I was stupid just because my brain couldn’t work out physics and math. I was good with literature, arts, and foreign languages, but that wasn’t a sign of brilliance in the Eastern-European culture that shaped me.
Much later, as a grown-up woman, I didn’t see myself as good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, or successful enough. I felt unworthy of being loved by a wonderful man, unworthy of getting a good paycheck to reflect my skills and talents, too unworthy to apply for a tempting position at work.
My life looks completely different today, and I embrace the new me with much gratitude and joy. I love myself as I am. I am happily married and doing what I was born to do in the world.
So how did this shift happen?
I can recall myself feeling overwhelmed after a long meeting at work, and looking for some inspiration to help me release the stress and feel better. As I was searching for The Secret movie on the YouTube, I “accidentally” opened another video that went straight into my heart: You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.
Today, I know that was no accident. The teacher shows up when the student is ready—so true! I was so touched and absorbed by that movie, I couldn’t stop watching. Listening to Louise was pure magic; every single word went straight into my heart. I finally felt home, in a space where it was perfectly okay to be me: “I love and approve myself as I am. I am whole and complete and life loves me.”
Over the next year, I discovered the work of other enlightened souls—Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, and Don Miguel Ruiz—inviting me to precious moments of self-reflection and deep learning. Their teaching helped me to let go of old thinking patterns and cultural limiting beliefs that didn’t serve me well.
After much trial and error applying their wisdom to my life, I have found a new sense of freedom. Here’s how:
1. I’ve let go of the need to be perfect.
I am perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect, and this is what allows me to be me.
Perfection is an illusion—it doesn’t exist. I stopped stressing myself out trying to be perfect and now I am always aiming for “good enough.” I have learned to embrace my mistakes as much needed opportunities for growth, blessings in disguise that make me wiser. If I fail at anything, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure, because I am not what I do. Sometimes we win, sometimes we learn. We never lose.
“Your best is going to change from moment to moment: it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
2. I’ve let go of the need to be busy all the time.
Being in a rush isn’t a sign of virtue. I have learned to listen to my body, and I no longer feel guilty for doing nothing. I know I sometimes need to recharge the batteries of my body and soul, and I don’t feel like I owe anyone any explanation for doing that.
If I don’t have time for myself, I make it. Watching a good movie, listening to relaxing music, reading a good book, singing, taking a walk to connect with nature—I do whatever makes my heart sing.
“I am a human being, not a human doing. Don’t equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren’t what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don’t…you aren’t.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer
3. I’ve let go of self-criticism.
I pay attention to my inner talk; I don’t call myself names, and I treat myself with dignity and respect. I stopped telling myself things I would never tell a good friend. I am enough, whole, and complete.
I have come to understand that in life, we don’t get what we want. We get what we think we deserve. That’s why it’s necessary to believe in ourselves and see ourselves as enough and worthy of the best things life has to offer.
“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay
4. I’ve let go of blaming.
I now know that each time I blame someone else, I am making myself a victim. Blaming others for taking my time, my money, or my love is unfair, because I always choose how much I give and to whom. No one can hurt me or upset me without my conscious (and often unconscious) consent.
Instead, I now take responsibility for the way I feel, act, and think. I am in charge of my actions, and I know my future is the result of my current choices. I am what I believe and whatever I choose to be.
“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, it will not change you. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” ~Wayne Dyer
5. I’ve let go of judging.
I know that everyone is on their own journey, and my job is to focus on my own. I also know that each time I am judgmental with people, I’m reacting to something that bothers me about myself. If I believe you are mean, it means I can also be mean; how could I see that in you, otherwise?
“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgment gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie
6. I’ve let go of making assumptions about what other people feel, want, or think.
I am not them, so there’s no way to know what they’re feeling and thinking.
I stopped making up imaginary scenarios and letting my mind play with me. Each time I find myself disturbed by what people do or say, I know it’s time for a reality check.
From “The Work” of Byron Katie, I’ve learned to examine the thoughts that trouble me and ask myself: “Is that true?” Many of my assumptions likely aren’t. For example, I might assume someone doesn’t like me, when really she’s just having a bad day. Or maybe she’s just shy. Not everyone is the same.
The moment I realize I can’t know what this person thinks, simply because I am not her, my mind gets clear and I am able to meet her with an open heart.
“I found that my unquestioned assumptions were the cause of all war and all peace in my world.” ~Byron Katie
7. I’ve let go of competing with others.
I now know that my need to fight is nothing but my ego’s scream for self-validation. I don’t need anyone to lose any game so that I can feel good about myself. I love harmony, collaboration, and win-wins.
I’ve stopped comparing myself to others. I choose to connect with people from a place of love instead of fear, and I believe in abundance. I choose to believe that we live in a supportive universe, where there is enough of everything and for everyone, including myself.
“Love is cooperation rather than competition.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer
8. I’ve let go of chasing happiness.
I no longer project my happiness into an imaginary future, hoping that someday, when I have that job, that house, that car, that success, I will be happy. I have learned to find happiness in the small pleasures of life, and I embrace the only reality that is, the present moment, with gratitude and much joy.
I stopped waiting for the weekends to feel like living because each day is a gift and every single moment is precious and equally important.
The day I shifted my focus from stressed to blessed, everything changed. I am thankful for everything I am and for everything I have: a healthy body and mind; a loving family; a few genuine, long-lasting friendships I’ve made over time; and a job I love and believe in.
“I have noticed that the universe loves gratitude. The more grateful you are, the more goodies you get.” ~Louise Hay
9. I’ve let go of worrying about the future.
I accept that there are things in life that I cannot control, no matter how hard I might try. Each time I find myself worrying, I keep telling myself “Time will tell.”
I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I trust the flow of life, and choose to believe we live in an intelligent universe, where everything unfolds perfectly. Sometimes in life, even the time needs time.
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.” ~Byron Katie
10. I’ve let go of pleasing others.
I no longer seek external validation so that I can feel liked or accepted. Worrying about what others think is a waste of time. Other people’s opinion of me is all about them and what they see in me, filtered through their lenses; it has zero to do with me.
I’ve stopped expecting others to give me what I wasn’t giving myself: love, care, and attention. Loving myself as a whole—body, mind, and soul—is not selfish. I keep my cup full of self-love, and I take good care of my needs and my heart’s desires.
I have learned how to make powerful choices for my highest good without worrying about disappointing people. People disappoint themselves by setting expectations for who they want me to be or what they want me to do.
Saying no to things we don’t want to do is a learned practice and a sign of self-care. If it sounds like a “should,” I don’t do it. I go for the things that feel like a want. My wants come from myself, instead of being imposed on me by others. I always choose how I am spending my precious time and with whom. I know my time is my life, and it’s never coming back.
My life is about me and I have the right to make my own choices. Life is to be lived, not existed, and I choose to live it authentically, with no apologies and no regrets.
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
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My self-transformation into the mindful person I am today didn’t happen overnight. It’s been an ongoing process that required continuous inner work.
Today, I am still a student at School of Life, and every day is a great opportunity for new learning. I know that I have the power to create my own reality, by the way I think. So I make sure I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, knowing my mind has power.
And now, I would like to hear from you. Are you holding on to any of these things? What’s preventing you from letting them go?
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How I Healed from Gaslighting and Found Self-Love After the Abuse
“I smile because I have survived everything the world has thrown at me. I smile because when I was knocked down, I got back up.” ~Unknown
Had you asked me only two years ago I wouldn’t have even been able to tell you what gaslighting was, nor that I had been a victim.
That’s the thing about gaslighting, it can sneak into your life unknowingly, and before you know it, it can lead you to breaking point where you are doubting your sanity and your life is spiralling out of control.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, where an uneven power dynamic is created by an abuser, leading their victim to doubt their reality.
Gaslighting is insidious in that it can begin subtly, then, as the victim’s confidence is chipped away, can lead to further forms of abuse, where the victim is coerced into submission of the wants of the abuser.
I was in my twenties when I met Chris* (*name changed). He was charming, he complemented me, he made me laugh, and the chemistry between us made us virtually inseparable. I was in love, my life was perfect, and there was nothing that could bring me down from the loving high I felt.
It did, though. Things came down, crashing down, and only three years later I was in the midst of a breakdown and contemplating suicide.
I can’t exactly pinpoint when the gaslighting started; I had what I thought were misunderstandings—me just being “stupid,” forgetting things or making a “big deal” out of nothing. Chris was always the “brains” of the relationship, and I was “fortunate” that he corrected me when I made these errors. I had no clue this was only the beginning of what was to come.
Then one day I was about to confront Chris for cheating on me, after finding evidence on a phone of mine he had used, when he uttered the words that were my undoing: “You do know that imagining things is the first sign of craziness, right?”
Staring at me was a man with a cold stare. “You’re crazy, I don’t know how I can be with someone who makes up lies about me like that.” I looked at the phone, which was empty, no evidence of messages showing he had been unfaithful. They had definitely been there, and I had seen them, or at least I thought I had?
I no longer lived with the Chris I loved; instead, he was replaced with a Jekyll and Hyde, who on some days was loving and on other days was calculated and manipulative.
These changes in character were another form of ammunition in the mind games of gaslighting, allowing the gaslighting to go undetected. By granting me good days, it lured me into thinking things weren’t as bad as they were, a form of control to avoid me leaving the relationship.
It also gave Chris further power by accusing me of being “ungrateful” when I attempted to protest later unacceptable behavior. “After what I did for you the other day, you accuse me of this?” How could I think negatively about him after all he was doing for me? And so the abuse continued.
Each day I walked on eggshells not knowing what I would do wrong by Chris, and as a result I became a shadow of my former self, losing all confidence. With my loss in confidence I lost my ability to defend myself, and as a result was subjected to other forms of cruel abuse.
Despite feeling my life was falling apart, I rarely considered leaving; instead, I clung onto the relationship, attempting to repair the damage I was made to believe I had done.
Even if I had decided to leave, I felt I had no one, or nowhere to go. For over two years he told me I was crazy, so I had started to believe that was my truth. I thought if I tried to turn to someone for support, they would only reinforce that I was crazy or not believe me.
It still brings a tear to my eye that I couldn’t open up to my sister, one of the closest people in my life. After seeing the dark circles under my eyes and weight loss, she asked if I was okay. The only response I could utter was “I’m fine.” The sad truth was that I wasn’t fine, I was far from it; my life was in chaos and I was starting to feel I couldn’t cope much longer.
The strain of living in fear finally took its toll, so I hit my rock bottom. I felt that if I didn’t leave, there was no other option than to take my own life.
Somewhere inside I took the last ounce of strength I had to leave. I was faced with a barrage of message from Chris, which switched from messages of promising to change, to messages of hate, having lost his control. How, I don’t know, but I managed to maintain no contact, blocking him out of my life forever, and for the strength I had during that time, I am forever grateful.
Despite how low I had gotten I still was unable to identify that the relationship had been abusive, whether out of denial or lack of knowledge, and so did not reach out for support. Instead, in the years that followed I’d experience panic attacks, never felt safe, and had a gut-wrenching fear of certain people.
I’d been so manipulated that I assumed these behaviors were just further evidence that I was “crazy”, and so I lived in this shame for another ten years.
Finally, two years ago I did one of the bravest things I could have done: I listened to the small voice inside of me, the small voice that for the past twelve years had told me things weren’t right. The small voice that had been silenced by my abuser, that had been my apparent “crazy.” The small voice that knew I should have left, but that I didn’t have the confidence to listen to.
I now realized that small voice was my gut instinct, and it was telling me that my life could improve, but I needed to open up and seek professional support.
It takes an enormous amount of courage to open up and engage in important healing work after abuse. In asking for support we are opening ourselves up to be vulnerable, when it was our vulnerabilities which have been exploited.
We are putting our trust into people, after having put trust in people who have hurt us.
We are allowing opportunities to feel emotions and have a voice when our emotions and voice were ignored or silenced.
Without support, though, we risk remaining in abusive relationships, or repeating patterns of attracting toxic people into our lives.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but these are some of the things I have learned and done as part of my recovery, which has allowed me to begin to love and trust in myself again.
I’d like to note that I refer to “abuse” in this section, because that is what gaslighting is, a form of emotional abuse. I’d also like to note that in realizing we have experienced abuse, it is important that we don’t state this to the abuser. Accusing a person of abuse can put us at increased risk of negative consequences. Instead, seek support from those who are trusted/professional support.
I’ve acknowledged the abuse.
Acknowledging the abuse has been a long, and at times difficult but necessary process.
Due to the manipulation I experienced I’ve been challenged with frequent questioning if what I remember was correct. I’ve also spent many a sleepless night trying to rationalize what happened, making excuses for Chris.
These rationalizations and questioning were a coping mechanism, to avoid the pain of admitting someone I loved could hurt me. Being patient with myself and being willing to trust the process together with my therapist, I’ve slowly come to terms that I have been subjected to abuse.
Frequently I would utter the words “but he wasn’t like that all of the time.” I’m learning that regardless of the amount of the time, even it’s only 20%, abuse is abuse. As we begin to heal, we find a newfound respect for ourselves and become unwilling to accept any form of abuse in our lives.
Throughout the process of acknowledging I’ve experienced abuse I’ve been gentle with myself. I had to allow myself time to grieve the relationship with the person I had loved and who at times I still love.
I’ve given myself permission to feel any emotion I’ve needed to feel; I’ve cried, felt immense sadness, fear, and I’ve felt anger. While raw, each emotion has been necessary, and now that I’m coming out of the other side, I have a newfound love and acceptance of myself without the shame and guilt I had once lived in.
If we want healthy relationships, we need boundaries.
“Boundaries” is another term that entered my vocabulary shortly after I began therapy. A boundary sets a personal limit on what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable with us. Boundaries can represent our emotional, physical, or spiritual needs; they may be different for various people in our lives, e.g. family, friends, partners, colleagues, and can be adapted according to the trust we develop in a person.
Before I learned about boundaries, I had felt selfish for having my own needs. What I hadn’t realized is that setting boundaries is in no way selfish, and instead come from a place of self-love, self-respect, and self-worth.
I also feared that setting boundaries would lead me to be abandoned and rejected, not realizing that people who respect our boundaries are the ones we should keep in our lives, and those who don’t we should remove.
With a better understanding of boundaries, I have been able to understand the role I have played in relationships; by not being clear about how I wish to be treated. As an example, I would say to Chris I needed space when he would shout and swear at me, yet I never followed through. Unintendedly I was communicating to him that I had low self-worth, and so made me a target for abuse.
To set a boundary we need to communicate our needs and if necessary, implement consequences when they are not respected. This can be hard, particularly if we have experienced any form of abuse that has led us to lose our voice, but with time and practice it gets easier.
To assist in communicating my boundaries, I have spoken to trusted friends and my therapist about things going on in my life and what I needed from a person. By listening to me these people have given me the opportunity to practice what I would I like to say.
In time I’ve begun to communicate things that are important to me and my well-being; I’m no longer feeling forced to do things I don’t want.
Boundaries are of course two-way, and my ability to respect other people’s boundaries instead of feeling abandoned has also improved. I’m not perfect at it, but it is empowering to honor my needs, and in doing so my relationships have also improved.
I’m learning to have fun again.
How ironic is it that you leave an abusive relationship only for your life to still feel controlled; only this time it is by an inner bully, the internalization of all the abuse you have experienced?!
For years my internal voice was relentless: “You’re worthless, you’re dumb, you’re so stupid.” At times it was as bad, if not worse than the abuse. I also had an incessant fear that “something would go wrong,” and as a result was hypervigilant constantly scanning for threats and risks. As a result of the inner critic and hypervigilance I lost the ability to have fun, not being able to let my guard down.
Realizing these inner attacks were flashbacks and emotional scars from years of constantly being belittled and gaslighted gave me relief.
I’ve learned that while they can be scary, they are just thoughts, they are not true and cannot hurt me.
Mindfulness has been a powerful tool in overcoming these attacks; when an attack has been brought on, I’ve noticed it happening, not reacting, just noticing. I’ve then been able to introduce thought-stopping, where I have been able to interrupt the toxic thoughts at their first sign with a counter thought such as “stop,” or “I’m safe now.”
Learning to have fun again is one of the hardest parts of my recovery; there are times when it is harder, particularly when I have a lot of stress going on in my life. It is a journey and takes time, but my inner bully has decreased, and I am allowing more fun into my life.
Above all, I’ve treated myself with love and compassion for what happened.
My therapist has repeatedly reminded me “You did the best you could in the situation with the resources you had available to you.” Prior to hearing this I judged myself incessantly for not leaving the relationship sooner, and for waiting so long to seek support. I felt I had wasted years of my life and felt like a failure.
By judging myself, I realized I was continuing to hurt myself. As I’ve begun to heal, I have been able to reframe my experience from self-criticism to self-compassion.
Emotional abuse is destructive both in the short term and long term, evoking feelings of fear, confusion, hopelessness, and shame. It comes as no surprise that during the abuse I had been unable to look after myself. Again, as with anything there are harder days than others, on days where I am unable to provide myself with kindness, I ask myself how a loved one would respond to me in the circumstances?
Each person’s experience will be different, with mine being only one example. In writing this article my desire is to raise awareness of the devastating impacts of gaslighting and to share a message of hope.
To anyone reading who is experiencing, or who has experienced abuse, we can have a better life where we no longer live in fear. While our trauma begins in relationships, having access to trusted and healthy relationships can also help us heal.
It isn’t a quick process, but with each day things can and will get better. Having been forced to the deepest lows of my life, and made it to where I am now, I am living proof that we can have a better life.
You are beautiful, you are loved, and you are a survivor. Be kind to yourself.
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If You Want a Healthy Relationship, Value Yourself
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.” ~Eartha Kitt
I always found the concept of self-love embarrassing and horrifying. Just thinking about it would make me cringe. It felt completely wrong, and I didn’t understand what it was all about. Quite frankly, I felt disgusted by it and thought it was a new-age invention by self-centerd people who wanted to have more opportunities to be selfish.
Sure, I was young then, but I can now also see how that reaction reflected the truth about the absolute absence of self-love in my life.
At that time, I was not aware that my lack of self-love affected many other areas of my life.
I particularly struggled in my romantic relationships even though that was the area I most valued and focused on. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than a loving and fun relationship.
I wanted someone to make me feel loved, safe, and happy. I wanted to have an amazing life with someone else, but I couldn’t see that happening by myself. Every time I experienced difficult feelings or low moods, I felt disappointed, silently angry, and resentful because I blamed my partner for causing my unhappiness.
I blamed them because, in my eyes, they let me down. If they did a better job at being a supportive and loving partner, I would be feeling better, right?
And so, at first, I tried to change and fix my partners. I tried to get them to give me the relationship I didn’t give myself.
Obviously, I didn’t know this then. I didn’t know that there was such a thing as being in a relationship with yourself.
Most people I speak to don’t know this either. It’s not something we usually consider or are taught at school. And so, we live like we don’t matter. We don’t pay ourselves any attention and we try to get from others what we do not give to ourselves: a sense of worth, validation, consideration, and love.
I lived like that for the majority of my life.
I didn’t realize that I was in a relationship with myself. I didn’t know that that was even a thing. I definitely didn’t know that the relationship I have with myself informs the quality of all my other relationships.
And so, I struggled through my relationships and endured experiences I wouldn’t have had if I had loved and valued myself.
I struggled with the pain and desperation of unmet needs but failed to see that I could give myself what I wanted and needed. By being blind to this, I made myself depend on those around me, which usually didn’t end well. Codependency ruled and ruined my relationships.
While recovering from codependency, I had many realizations that paved the way for developing an honest sense of self-worth. The notions of self-love I previously rejected so much now come naturally. They just make sense.
And so I want to share with you some of the realizations I’ve had that helped me improve my relationships, feel good about myself, and fall in love with life, in the hope that you can see how the relationship you have with yourself directly impacts how you relate to others.
Your Sense of Self-Worth Determines Your Relationship Standards
If you don’t like and love yourself, you don’t value yourself, so you’ll have low standards for how you let people treat you. We simply don’t protect and take care of what we don’t hold in high regard.
The way you treat yourself and how you let others treat you shows you how much or little you really value yourself. So notice the standards you set. Notice what you tolerate. This will tell you whether or not you value yourself if you are unsure.
Noticing that this is something you can practice in your relationship. It’s an ongoing exploration that a partner can also help you with by providing feedback on how they see you treat yourself.
If you want to learn how to treat yourself better, think about how you treat something or someone you value and truly appreciate. Then begin to set healthy standards for how you treat yourself and what behaviors you accept from others.
For example, notice when you choose to go without something you want or need, and make a different choice. Find a solution for how you can give it to yourself. Be proactive when it comes to pleasing yourself or supporting yourself.
Or, if someone is talking to you in demeaning and disrespectful ways, remind yourself that this is no longer acceptable because you now protect what you value: you.
Your Level of Self-Care Impacts Your Well-Being
So far, we have established that we take care of what we value. Your self-care is therefore an expression of what you believe about yourself.
I am quite blunt about the absence of self-care and call it self-neglect.
If you fail to take care of yourself, you give your partner a neglected version of yourself, which certainly impacts your relationship negatively.
It may also put pressure on your partner to take on your responsibilities. Their rescuing tendencies may be activated, and you’ll co-create an unhealthy victim-rescuer or parent-child dynamic. You may feel too depleted to go out, take part in activities, or have fun.
It is absolutely vital for you to take care of yourself. It’s not only for your benefit, so you’re in a position to actually enjoy your life and being in a relationship, but also benefits everyone around you.
Remember this the next time the “self-care is selfish” thought swirls around your head. It’s completely untrue. You deserve your own time, attention, and care. It’s healthy and it’s necessary.
Others Cannot Fill the Void You Create
When we neglect ourselves, we deprive ourselves of what we need: attention, consideration, care, support, reassurance, connection, encouragement, and love.
We then tend to look toward others to provide it for us. We mistakenly believe that the pain we experience is something only they can soothe or heal.
I guess that’s true if we don’t do it for ourselves. The problem is that others cannot do it for us. They cannot fill the void we create by depriving ourselves of self-care.
Other people can support us and boost us from time to time, but they simply cannot do it for us because their efforts meet a void and simply disappear into insignificance.
When we don’t like ourselves, we don’t understand why others like us. When we don’t like how we look and someone compliments us, we don’t believe them. We think they’re lying to us or they are just being nice.
When we don’t love ourselves, we cannot receive anyone else’s love because we don’t trust it. We don’t believe it. It doesn’t match with what we believe about ourselves, and so our brains reject it. It doesn’t feel safe and all of a sudden, our relationship becomes fear-based.
Neglecting ourselves and expecting our partner to do our job for us is the biggest relationship killer. It sets us up for endless disappointment and feeling unloved because another person does not have access to what you have access to—your inner self—and therefore cannot meet your specific needs in the way you need them to be met.
You Are Not Emotionally Safe for Yourself
All relationships require emotional safety. It allows us to express ourselves honestly, openly, and authentically. We know that our partner gives us space to simply be and express who we are in that moment and to respond lovingly.
When we don’t value ourselves, we don’t respond to ourselves. We deny what we feel, want, and need. We make ourselves not matter in our own lives. We may put others’ needs above our own and often, we may not even know what we want or need.
This is a sign that we lack emotional safety within our relationship with ourselves.
It is not safe for me to tell myself that I want something when I am being ignored, judged, or shamed for it. It is not safe for me to be vulnerable and open up to myself when I am being told to go away, avoid my feelings and desires, or that someone else is more important than me.
The problem is that by not being emotionally safe to myself, I cannot be emotionally available to others because I simply cannot go there. I cannot be honest and vulnerable. I cannot open up to another person if I don’t open up to myself. I cannot share what I am too afraid to see.
And so, not being emotionally safe and available to myself means that I put a limit on how deeply I can connect with my partner, which will negatively affect the level of intimacy we can develop and experience. Intimacy needs openness and emotional connection and cannot exist without emotional safety.
I Am Co-Creator of My Relationships
Relationships don’t just randomly happen to us. We co-create them. We are always in a relationship—even if it’s the one we have with ourselves.
And it’s the one we have with ourselves that informs all others. I get that we are all conditioned to look for “The One” and to believe that there is a person out there that will heal us and make everything better for us.
So it can feel like a huge loss to be told that you need to learn to look after yourself to have the relationship you want. It can feel like an impossible task, especially when you believe that you must learn it all before you’re in a relationship.
I believe that we learn as we go along. We learn through and from our experiences and adapt our behaviors and decisions accordingly.
I don’t advocate relational deprivation to end codependency or to improve the relationship you have with yourself. I support every individual’s choice and understand why recovery requires many to be and stay single. It is quite possibly the least complicated way to start over.
It is also possible to learn to like and love yourself within a relationship and have that relationship change and improve as a result of your transformation because, after all, you co-create it.
The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for all the other relationships you have in your life.
The good thing is that you are in charge of that now. You have the power and you get to choose how you treat yourself.
Will you continue to deprive, neglect, or abuse yourself? Or are you willing to truly change your life by changing how you relate to yourself?
The choice is yours and yours alone.
Say “yes” to love—say “yes” to self-love because it does change everything.
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When You’re Unhappy and Want Things to Change
“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” ~Seneca
This is the first time I am admitting it: I was bullied in school.
I was thirteen years old at the time, and it went on for the one year that I lived in Dorm 11. I never acknowledged it because I felt bullying was too small a misfortune to complain about.
But now when I think back to it, I can remember exactly how the dormitory looked. I remember the view from the windows, the corridor in front of my dorm. I remember the faces of the other kids, and I remember my face—vulnerable, confused, and lost.
It was the same year that I started showing symptoms of OCD. Things just went downhill from there…
I guess I got lucky because at one point, things started to slowly get better. At twenty-nine, my life isn’t perfect, but I’m happier than I ever thought I would be.
All the advice that I’ve received throughout the years and my life experiences comes down to three simple steps. If you feel unhappy about your situation, like I once did, perhaps these steps will be helpful for you too.
Step 1: The Starting Point
The Starting Point almost never gets covered in the self-help community. I guess it’s a secret, and so I’ll whisper it:
Life is hard.
Fresh out of school, I finally started my journey toward a better life. (My goals were very modest: I wanted to have my OCD under control, better social skills, and a romantic partner.)
At the time I was deeply influenced by books that promoted extreme positivity. I’m thankful for those books because back then I wasn’t ready for the lesson of Life is hard. They gave me hope where I had none.
But those books also distorted my view of reality. They led me to bizarre conclusions: I thought that if I achieved my goals, then I would be guaranteed uninterrupted happiness.
When things didn’t go my way, I felt there was something wrong with me. When my goals took longer than expected, I envied other people.
I also failed to grasp that, ultimately, our desires are not finite. Reaching my goals would not lead me to a place of perfect happiness. Instead it would simply bring me new desires and obstacles.
Today, I still read self-help books, but I am biased toward the Stoic thinkers. Although the Stoics did work toward their desires, their actions came from a crystal-clear view of reality. They understood that even if you became as rich or beautiful as you dream of becoming, life would continue to be challenging.
The Starting Point brings you to exactly that—the starting point. It brings you to the firm platform of reality. Life is hard, and no amount of positive thinking or goal-setting can change that. This isn’t a good or bad thing. It just is.
Step 2: The Problem
The problem is the gap between who you want to be and who you are today.
Growing up I had always envied my sister. She was socially savvy and had a lot of friends. And here I was—awkward, clumsy, and out of step.
My social isolation was painful for sure. Yet, just the realization that I was different from who I wanted to be greatly added to my misery.
Step 2 is realizing that although a gap exists between who you want to be and who you are, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you are worthless (you’re not). It also doesn’t mean that you’ve failed yourself as a person (you haven’t).
I’m super aware of each and every shortcoming in me. I fuss over every small mistake I make. I forget to remind myself that everybody has shortcomings. And it’s human to make mistakes.
What about Nobel laureates? Yes, they too make mistakes. And presidents? Yep! Celebrities and sports stars? ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY!
I’m not saying that we stop working toward our dreams or that we stop trying to become better human beings. I’m only suggesting that we start our journey with a sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
And this brings us to Step 3.
Step 3: The Solution
The solution gives us two tools to build a happy life: hustling and acceptance.
Hustling is the brute force approach to happiness: You take massive amounts of action and leave no stone unturned as you chase your dreams.
And it works.
If you are consistently putting in the time and effort, you’ll probably get what you are after.
That’s how I achieved my original goals: I worked with a psychiatrist to get my OCD under control. I forced myself to meet new people so that I would acquire social skills. And one day, I met a wonderful lady who thought I was interesting.
And then, well, I started to want more. Contrary to my expectations, I didn’t slow down to enjoy what I had. I just kept wanting more and more.
I figured that living in the city was no fun unless you had a well-paying job… And it was quite impossible to look acceptable while wearing glasses… My relationship grew stale, and I started to look for someone new…
To my horror, I realized that my life was nothing but a treadmill! My desires turned out to be completely meaningless. And happiness remained as far away as ever.
Enter, acceptance.
Acceptance is the exact opposite of hustling. Acceptance doesn’t need reality to change in any way. What is, is.
Acceptance is also the gateway to gratitude. You start to slow down and cherish what you already have.
I have accepted that my relationship may not last forever. This lets me appreciate what it means to be together today. (I make it a point to enjoy every evening we spend together.) Similarly, I’ve accepted OCD as a part of me. And now I am free to enjoy the benefits of being super detail-oriented.
Finally, acceptance lets you see that not all goals are worth pursuing.
To sum up:
Hustling all the time makes my life seem like a meaningless treadmill.
But relying only on acceptance is a very spiritual path. (I’m not ready for that yet.)
The solution, then, is a mix of hustling and acceptance. I still chase my desires. At the same time, I know that achievement and happiness are two separate things.
For my happiness, I depend on acceptance and gratitude.
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Thank you for reading. I hope you found at least one idea that will help you.
I understand that everyone’s experiences are different. Maybe what I wrote doesn’t resonate with you. In that case, I pray the information you need finds you very soon.
I wish you all the happiness in the world!
