Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • When You Focus on Yourself, Don’t Forget Everyone Else

    When You Focus on Yourself, Don’t Forget Everyone Else

    “Time and good friends are two things that get more valuable the older you get.” ~Unknown

    In recent years, we’ve collectively been talking a lot about creating boundaries and letting go of things that no longer serve us. Many of us have gotten better at permitting ourselves to say no and to escape old habits and routines. We’re also more open about our choices to reject people and places that exude bad vibrations or bad energy.

    I love that we’re becoming more conscious of the universe that’s always changing all around us. Together, we’re acknowledging the power we have to make mindful decisions that resonate with our higher selves. That’s what it’s all been about, right?

    Maybe not quite.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about how this evolution on the focus of “self” is affecting everyone and everything else.

    While we’re busy setting boundaries against the world, are we forgetting to establish boundaries with ourselves? And when we are actively avoiding places with bad vibes, are we considering the energy we bring into spaces?

    While we’re working on finding inner balance, are we leaving behind the people that depend on us for stability? And while we’re off becoming who we’re meant to be, are we selectively excluding parts of our reality?

    Think about it.

    You can love the vibes of your favorite studio, but if you show up five minutes late, after frantically running in from the subway, you shift the energy of the entire room.

    Or, in another example, you may feel empowered by a boundary you set with someone, but what if the person on the other end doesn’t understand why?

    You can be in the process of becoming your best self, but are you also still honoring your relationships and responsibilities? Are you still honoring the world that gives you the space to breathe?

    What we need to avoid, quite frankly, is becoming spiritually selfish.

    True, when we show up for ourselves, we’re better at showing up for others, but we can’t forget to notice how we show up in the meantime.

    Of course, we must have an understanding of how we feel through developing self-awareness. It’s also vital we retain an awareness of how we make others feel.

    Yes, we must focus on what’s happening in our inner world with more compassion, but that doesn’t mean dismissing what’s happening in the world around us. We must learn how to find stillness in our chaos, but it’s just as imperative that we are not causing any chaos ourselves.

    I’ve loved my spiritual journey, and I’ve found a lot of value in exploring the confines of what I didn’t think was possible while keeping an open mind to what more there could be.

    I’ve become more grounded by taking the time to get to know the edges of myself. And I’ve learned to alchemize my vulnerability to help me move toward my potential. Even still, I’ll admit I’ve probably been selfish in the process of my enlightenment.

    While I’ve been working on self-care, self-love, and self-awareness, I’ve probably ignored a few calls I should’ve made, plans I shouldn’t have changed, and relationships I should’ve maintained better.

    I’ve heard from many spiritually minded folks that the journey toward becoming your highest self does often get lonely. Relationships dwindle. Priorities change.

    The idea is that, once you become more aware of yourself, you’ll attract more of what truly resonates with you into your life. Be it friends, jobs, romantic partners—the more connected you are with yourself, the more connected you’ll be to the magnetic pull of destiny.

    And yet there’s something to be said of living too deeply in our heads.

    Yes, we should prioritize our well-being and align our actions with the truth inside of us. Yes, we should take the time to get to know ourselves and extract barriers. Yes, we should commit to our purpose and reject experiences that hinder us.

    But there’s a balance to be found between awakening spiritually and living in reality. We can’t use spirituality as an excuse to avoid things that we can’t face. We can’t use spirituality as a reason to dismiss people without compassion.

    We can’t use spirituality to justify falling off the face of the earth because we’re discovering our inner world. We can’t use spirituality to rationalize ignoring everything that helped us arrive at this turning point.

    I am all about balancing our chakras, but I am also all for balancing our lives. And all I mean by this is, we can’t become so absorbed as seekers that we forget to see what and who has been there for us before our search began.

    I’ve been told this road gets lonely, but I refuse to believe that’s the only truth.

    If this resonates with you, then I ask you: bring others with you. Show others your way while listening to theirs. Build a community around what people believe. Honor those who don’t see the way you do, but still see them as who they are to you. Share, engage, and let the world in while you try to figure out what world you want to live in.

    Start to notice how you show up. Become aware of how your presence impacts the spaces you enter. Be mindful of the connection outside of the one you have with the universe. There’s no reason that our spiritual awakening should be a one-lane road. Let’s build bridges so others can follow or at least visit if they want to.

    Above all else, remember that while we focus on the self, we can’t just forget about everyone else.

  • How to Keep the Love Flowing in Your Relationship

    How to Keep the Love Flowing in Your Relationship

    “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”~Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island.

    Have you ever noticed how with certain couples love and affection flow so naturally? Indeed, almost effortlessly. There is a good reason for this. These couples have learned to accept one another as they are, which leads to greater intimacy and a more vibrant love flow.

    When we don’t accept our loved one for who and how they are—quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits, and all—we are communicating to them that they are not good enough. That they fall short.

    Who wants to feel that—particularly in matters of the heart?

    Simply put, when you don’t accept your loved one as they are, it dampens the love flow.

    Even porcupines know this! With thousands of quills attached to their body, they know that they must pull them in and touch paws, if they want to have a “close” relationship.

    If porcupines manage to find ways to “accept” their “loved” ones, quills and all, shouldn’t we be able to as well?

    Below are some key practices and mind-sets that will go a long way toward achieving that.

    Don’t Try to Change Your Loved One

    When you try to change another, you are not accepting them. Yet many of us constantly try to change our loved ones’ traits and habits or opine and advise what they should do differently.

    Myself included!

    I like neatness and order in our home, but it’s very difficult for my dear, loving wife to get rid of things, and clutter constantly piles up in our garage. In the early years of our marriage, I constantly tried to get her to dispose of unused items in our garage. I complained, pleaded, and even cajoled.

    She paid lip service to me for a while and removed some clutter, only to have it reappear days later. When I continued harping, I was quickly met with, “You try taking care of the kids, doing the shopping, doing the laundry… and keeping the garage neat!”

    Not exactly a recipe for a loving relationship!

    I eventually realized that I was powerless over changing her ways, and that my continually trying to do so impacted our love bond.

    As I began accepting my wife for who and how she was—clutter and all—it enhanced the love flow. Our bond is stronger than ever today.

    Moreover, my acceptance brought me an unexpected gift. It allowed me to reflect on why (and when) I was so easily disheveled by clutter. I discovered it was almost always tied to my feeling anxious and stressed, usually about work or finances, or not being productive, or some general malaise.

    Addressing these “personal truths” brought me peace of mind, and my wife’s clutter no longer bothered me.

    Simply put, it was about me, not her!

    It will help reduce your urge to control your loved one if you ask:

    Do I really have the power to change my loved one?

    In most cases, we don’t. The simple truth is that people will change when and if they choose or are able to do so, not because we want them to.

    Reduce Your Expectations of Your Loved One

    High expectations of our loved ones easily lead to disappointment, resentment, and disconnect.

    My friend Margaret shared how her high expectations constantly dampened the romantic flow:

    “Expectations have ruined countless intimate relationships I have had. I start out being fun and easygoing, but once the relationship begins to build, I start to expect a certain level of communication, contact, and time together… I almost don’t know I’m doing it. I hear the person say they feel pressure and like everything has to be scheduled, yet I continue. It is horrible and not the way I want to be. I understand I need to let go. I just don’t seem to know how to do it.”

    Margaret’s quandary is not uncommon: few expectations at the beginning when the “love stakes” are low, and steadily increasing as the relationship becomes more serious.

    One thing is clear, however: When you expect too much of your loved one, you aren’t accepting them.

    Underlying many of our expectations are core needs we look for others to fulfill. For example, we may believe if our partner would be more nurturing or spend more time with us—instead of working so much or doing other things—we would be more content and less lonely. Or if she took more interest in our endeavors and passions, they would be more satisfying.

    Consider, though, whether we are truly better off if our loved one does as we want or expect. Is our happiness and well-being that dependent on them? I suggest not.

    When our focus and reliance is too much on our loved one, we lose sight of the changes and steps we can make to improve the relationship.

    It can help reduce your expectations, if you ask yourself this question:

    Are my needs something that my loved one can realistically fulfill? 

    Most often they are something that only we can.

    Honor Your Loved One’s Choices

    All people, including our loved ones, have their own life path and are entitled to make the choices and decisions that influence and ultimately determine that path.

    We can have compassion for our loved ones and sincerely and lovingly want what’s best for them, but we cannot truly know what is best for them.

    That’s because we look at things through our own history, prisms, and filters, not theirs. Hence, we should accept their choices, unless we or others are harmed by them. When we don’t, we aren’t accepting them as they are, and risk impeding and jeopardizing their path.

    To be sure, this is not always easy. I have learned that I need to be more aware of my controlling inclinations and keep my ego in check or quiet that “I know what’s best” part of me.

    I also need to remind myself that others’ points of view and choices have validity—for them.

    Acceptance is a Choice

    In the final analysis, accepting our loved one for who, what, and how he or she is, is a choice that each of us has to make. We are essentially powerless over changing their ways and traits that we dislike, and trying to do so makes things worse.

    We are much better served by focusing on what we do have control over: our part or role in the relationship.

    That includes our motives and attitudes, our actions and reactions, and our willingness to own up to our own shortcomings and part in relationship dysfunctions.

    And remember, no one is perfect and without flaws, least of all ourselves!

    I encourage you to choose acceptance—and improve the love flow!

  • Something You Don’t Agree With on the Internet

    Something You Don’t Agree With on the Internet

  • Sometimes Goals Look Like…

    Sometimes Goals Look Like…

  • You Could Change Their Life for the Better

    You Could Change Their Life for the Better

  • Dealing with Online Hate: What to Do When People Are Mean

    Dealing with Online Hate: What to Do When People Are Mean

    “The less you respond to negative people, the more peaceful your life will become.” ~Unknown

    I work for a website that creates videos on lifestyle, fashion, food, travel, fitness, and more.

    Our channel has a massive following from all walks of life, and we receive a lot of love but also a bit of hate. Even though many people are involved in the production of a video (directors, videographers, editors), the comments, feedback, and of course the hate is usually directed at the face you see on camera, and that is the anchor—AKA me!

    When I started out as an anchor, I had already been modelling for a couple of years and felt comfortable in front of a camera. When videos came along, I took it up as a challenge, as an opportunity to test myself and see what I could do.

    Luckily for me, I really started to enjoy it. My initial videos garnered a huge response and some crossed hundreds of thousands of views. I was slightly intimidated but on a high as well because of how well they seemed to be doing.

    But slowly, as I grew into my role as an anchor, I realized that there was a whole other side to being in the public eye that I never knew about.

    For me, being on camera meant putting forth a good performance and getting appreciation or criticism on it. I believe that each one of us has the capability to deal with constructive criticism; we all want to grow, we all want to improve, don’t we? The problem starts when the criticism loses its perspective and becomes destructive and downright hurtful.

    One fine day, after the release of my latest video, I sat at home scrolling through the comments section and came across a really mean comment. It stung me. And I couldn’t help myself. I went down the rabbit hole of reading all my videos’ comments and found tons of negative ones. It was one of the lowest moments of my life.

    And oh, people are creative! The comments weren’t simply restricted to whether or not I was doing a good job as an anchor. They covered everything from shaming my body to even threats of physical harm. It close to shattered me to see all these mean things written about me by total strangers.

    Now, I know that we don’t all have to face the same amount of hate that people in media do. But in today’s age of social media, each one of us has dealt with some negativity on our Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. And as someone who has dealt with a lot of it, I feel strongly about this!

    Below are a few things I did to deal with this trolling that really helped me out. I hope a few of these pointers can help you deal with hate when it comes at you!

    1. Know your haters.

    The kind of comments a person posts on social media speaks a lot about the person him/herself. What you need to realize is that a person who’s incessantly trolling you is probably at a very sad and unhappy place in their own life.

    Would a person who’s living a fulfilled life hide behind the screen of anonymity and spend their time being mean to some random person on the internet?

    Internet trollers are in most cases people who are leading unfulfilled, sad lives who want to vent out their frustration by blasting random strangers. Do you really need to take the opinions of such people seriously?

    2. Distinguish between constructive and destructive criticism.

    Let’s get real, no one likes criticism. But do we need it in some doses? Yes, we do! Not just on the internet but also in your personal life, taking criticism and working on your flaws is the best way to grow. The trick is to recognize whether the criticism is constructive or destructive.

    For example, a comment telling me to work on my accent and pronunciation is constructive for me, because I know it will help me improve my diction.

    On the other hand, a comment posted with the sole aim of body shaming me doesn’t need to be taken seriously. I can chalk it up to an unhappy person nit picking someone else to avoid acknowledging and addressing the things they don’t like about themselves and their own life.

    3. Joke about it.

    A trick that I learnt pretty soon into my breakdown was to stop taking things too seriously! I have a couple of close friends with whom I sit and read all the negative comments written about me and have a good laugh! (If you need a little help finding the funny in the mean, Google “celebrities read mean tweets.” When you don’t take the hate personally, you can’t help but laugh at some of it!)

    4. Weed out negativity.

    If at any point you feel that a person is getting too much for you to handle just weed them out. It’s very easy to do this on the internet, you simply block them from all possible platforms, and VOILA! Bye-bye negativity!

    This might be slightly more difficult when dealing with people who are in your life on a day-to-day basis. But if a person regularly tries to pull you down, it’s not worth keeping them in your life anyway.

    5. Open up.

    Talk to your community and you’ll realize that everyone is dealing with hate in some form or other. What helped me the most is watching funny YouTube videos, where YouTubers answer back to hateful comments on their videos. Superwoman is one of my favorite YouTubers, and her video answering back to her haters was a savior for me.

    Not only does this put a humorous spin on the situation, it reminds you that everyone is facing this in today’s world, which makes it easier to deal with, because you realize it truly isn’t personal, no matter how personal it seems.

    Irrespective of how you choose to deal with the hate that is thrown your way, never be afraid to be absolutely and unabashedly yourself. Some will love it, some will hate it, but you don’t have to let their opinions get you down!

  • Your Mental Health Is More Important

    Your Mental Health Is More Important

  • Remember to Take Care of Yourself

    Remember to Take Care of Yourself

  • 9 Powerful Lessons from People-Pleasers Around the World

    9 Powerful Lessons from People-Pleasers Around the World

    A woman struggles to tell her boss that no, she won’t work overtime for the third day this week.

    A man feels resentful in his relationship because he always gives, and his partner always takes.

    A woman wants to stop faking pleasure in the bedroom but doesn’t know how.

    Though their stories differ, these folks share a painful secret. They worry that if they are truly and authentically themselves, they will not be loved or accepted. They have spent their lives morphing into smaller, more “acceptable” versions of who they are, sacrificing their authenticity along the way.

    I, too, am a recovering people-pleaser. In my teens and early twenties, I listened in envy as my friends splattered their unfiltered truths across our conversations like fistfuls of finger paint. Meanwhile, every time I needed to turn down an invitation to a party, World War III raged in my chest as I was racked with nerves and guilt. The thought of disappointing others terrified me.

    I used to feel terribly alone in my predicament. Specifically, I was convinced that 1) I was the only one who struggled with this degree of people-pleasing, 2) there was something dreadfully wrong with me, and 3) I would be that way forever.

    In the years since, my work has led me to speak with recovering people-pleasers, recovering codependent folks, highly sensitive people, empaths, and chronic caregivers around the world. From Ireland to Yemen, India to Malaysia, France to South Africa and more, I’ve spoken with folks who are conquering the people-pleasing pattern, setting empowered boundaries, and mastering the art of speaking their truth.

    Their stories taught me that people-pleasing is a very common—and entirely breakable—pattern. From hundreds of conversations, here are the nine most valuable lessons I learned:

    1. If you don’t speak your truth, your truth will speak through you.

    At first, staying silent to keep the peace sounds like a good idea. Why speak our truth and deal with others’ negative reactions when we could stomach our own discomfort like champs? Those of us who played the role of peacekeeper in our families of origin will find this approach familiar, maybe even comfortable.

    But people-pleasers around the world agree: external peace does necessitate inner peace. When you stay silent, the folks around you might be blissfully ignorant, but you feel the repercussions emotionally and physically. Debilitating anxiety, depression, jaw tension, and stomach aches, for example, are common symptoms folks report when they stifle their voice over an extended period of time.

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Recognize that speaking your truth isn’t some corny self-help mantra: it’s a necessary prescription for a psychologically and physically healthy life.

    2. If it’s hard for you to access your wants and needs, a great first step is to tune into your body’s simple physical desires.

    Even those of us who have long histories of people-pleasing can access the sacred whispers of our inner selves through our bodies. As Martha Graham famously wrote, “The body never lies.” We can begin living our truth by listening for our bodies’ cues for food, sleep, movement, sex, dance, and play.

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Sleep when you’re tired. Don’t eat food you don’t like. Don’t have sex if you’re not in the mood. Dance when you want to dance. The more you practice listening for these simple wants, the more complex desires will arise.

    3. Expecting others to mind-read your needs is a recipe for resentment.

    In the past, I spent undue time and energy analyzing others for cues of their likes and dislikes. I was a bonafide chameleon, tailoring my colors in whatever way I believed would please others most.

    Given my hyper-vigilance to others’ preferences, I believed that if people really knew me and really loved me, they would predict my needs, too. Unfortunately, you can’t love your way into being a mind reader, and I was regularly disappointed when folks didn’t show me care in the way I wanted.

    When we assume that others should automatically know how to take care of us, we assume that we all share the same definition of being cared for. You might need your partner to say, “I love you,” but your partner might show her love by rewiring your toaster.

    Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages depicts five distinct ways folks show love, including words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Avoid the guessing game and explicitly communicate your needs often.

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Explain your needs to loved ones to avoid mixed messages that could lead to painful miscommunications.

    4. Caregiving can be selfish when we don’t have a strong foundation of self-love.

    Many people-pleasers take care of others because it gives us a sense of value. We structure our identities around being reliable, generous, good listeners, and maybe even sacrificial. However, if we give care to others without taking care of ourselves—without developing our own interests—we may find that we need to be needed to feel a sense of purpose. This means that we may insist on caregiving even when our efforts are no longer required, requested, or welcome, which can violate someone else’s boundaries and autonomy.⠀

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Give yourself the degree of love and care you’d regularly give to others. Pay your bills. Go to the doctor. Take quiet time. Treat yourself to a nice dinner. This way, when you do make the decision to take care of others, you can do so with no strings attached.

    5. Just because it feels awkward to state your needs and take up space doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means it’s new.

    Many of the folks I spoke with remembered how scary it felt to state their needs and take up space at first. To them, it felt “impossible,” “terrifying,” and “overwhelming.” Can you relate?

    That discomfort is a natural growing pain. After all, breaking the people-pleasing pattern means rewriting the scripts you’ve followed since childhood. Maybe as a kid you were told that speaking your truth made you unlovable. Perhaps you were bullied in school for being different and made fierce efforts to blend in as a result. Regardless, you are breaking a years- or decades-long pattern of making yourself small. It will feel less challenging with practice.

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Instead of interpreting anxiety as a sign that you’re doing something wrong, reframe it as an affirmation that you’re doing something new—and growing as a result.

    6. It’s totally normal to feel mean, guilty, or overwhelmed after setting a healthy boundary.

    If you grew up in an environment where you were punished or neglected when you expressed your true feelings, learning the art of honest expression is a radical act. The simple act of setting a boundary may feel like an enormous emotional upheaval. You are learning how to stand up for yourself, and like any new skill, it takes practice. 

    After setting a boundary, you might wonder if you’re a bad friend/mother/colleague/[insert role here]. You’re not, of course, but your nervous system needs to learn that with time.

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Acknowledge that by setting a boundary, you’ve just done some serious emotional work. Hold yourself with compassion and give yourself permission to rest and recuperate.

    7. If you struggle to set boundaries, you might have a tendency to cut people out when resentments arise. Learning to set boundaries will help you maintain your relationships through moments of conflict.

    For much of my life, I was unable to maintain a single close friendship for more than a year. It seemed that every friendship eventually withered away—not with a bang, but a whimper.

    When I sat down and reflected on this pattern, I realized that when conflicts arose—and conflicts will naturally arise in all meaningful relationships—I had chosen to let the friendships fade instead of addressing, and resolving, my grievances.

    People-pleasers might cut folks out when we don’t have the tools to communicate how we really feel. When we break the people-pleasing habit, we develop the ability to have difficult conversations with friends and loved ones—which enables us to nurture and strengthen those relationships.

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Contrary to popular belief, boundaries are an invitation to connect. Remember to consider the many ways that setting boundaries will benefit, instead of threatening, your relationships.

    8. Sometimes extroversion is just people-pleasing at a social scale. For some of us, breaking the people-pleasing pattern means learning to embrace our own introversion.

    As people-pleasers, we regularly act against our instincts to become a version of ourselves we believe is lovable. For many of us, the bubbly extrovert we present in social settings is really just an unconscious performance. In my conversations with many people-pleasers, I was shocked to hear gregarious, fast-talking folks share that all they wanted was permission to be quiet. “I want to trust that I’m worthy of love even when I’m not entertaining others,” they would say.

    As children, we may have received love only when we actively acted in an outgoing, cheerful manner. If our parents were addicts or suffered from mental illness, we may have acted as their de facto caretakers, providing sunshine, reassurance, and good spirits. As a result, we feel that in order to be loved, we must be constantly happy or outgoing—and we are exhausted by it. In adulthood, we’re tired of performing and we crave inner peace.

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Practice giving yourself permission to not always be “on” around others.

    9. There is no “right” way to feel after leaving a toxic relationship.

    I had to leave a platonic relationship recently. It was a friendship that had many beautiful parts and many toxic parts, and my decision to leave was fraught with indecision.

    In the aftermath, I felt a hundred ways about it. I felt grief at the loss. I felt empowered for advocating for myself. I felt anger at the circumstances that led to our dissolution. I felt compassion for my friend’s limitations, as well as my own. I felt self-doubt and found myself second-guessing whether I handled the conflict properly. I felt hopeful for friendships yet to come. And I really missed my friend.

    There is no right way to feel after leaving a toxic relationship. Relationships are never one-dimensional, and so our emotions when they end will rarely be one-dimensional, either. You can simultaneously be certain you had to leave and miss the person terribly.

    Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: When you leave a toxic relationship, recognize that all of your feelings are legitimate. You don’t need to pick just one.

    ⁠—-

    Years and hundreds of conversations later, my initial understanding of people-pleasing has shifted entirely:

    The myth: “I am the only one who struggles with this degree of people-pleasing.”

    The truth: If you are a recovering people-pleaser, you are far from alone. Millions of folks worldwide are doing the challenging and rewarding work of learning to speak their truth. There are even Facebook support groups like this one designed specifically for folks who are working to conquer the people-pleasing pattern.

    The myth: “There is something dreadfully wrong with me.”

    The truth: As a kid, people-pleasing was likely how you secured love and affection from distant, neglectful, or self-centered caregivers. It was a survival strategy. Now, you can give yourself permission to let it go.

    The myth: “I will be this way forever.”

    The truth: People-pleasing is not a life sentence; it is a pattern that you can break with practice and intention. You can seek support from friends, therapists, and coaches as your practice the art of radical self-expression.

    As hundreds of folks around the world made clear: With time and intention, you can master the art of speaking your truth and find the strength, authenticity, and inner peace you’ve been waiting for.

  • I’m the Kind of Person Who Will Restart a Song…

    I’m the Kind of Person Who Will Restart a Song…

  • How Beautiful Your Broken Is

    How Beautiful Your Broken Is

  • Are You Being Roached in Your “Relationship”?

    Are You Being Roached in Your “Relationship”?

    “Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    Online dating and dating apps have revolutionized the experience of dating in recent years, and those changes continue to accelerate at a dizzying pace.

    These new technologies have given rise to a brand new culture that singles never had to navigate in years past. Dating online and using dating apps is like a new “Wild West,” where there are no clear rules and anything goes.

    This new culture comes with new words, of course. Some are amusing and some, not so much.

    “Roaching” is a new name for a practice that’s been around for many years. Essentially, it’s a failure to define a relationship as monogamous (or otherwise) and the hurt feelings that often result.

    One person believes that the relationship is progressing toward a meaningful one-on-one partnership and is blindsided when they find out that their partner has been seeing other people.

    The offending party claims to be surprised that monogamy was assumed or expected because it was never openly discussed. This can seem heartless to some, myself included, but viewed objectively, it’s a valid point.

    Mismatched expectations in relationships are nothing new, but regardless of the details or what new dating terms are used, the root cause is the same: the lack of open communication.

    When I was searching for a partner, I often struggled to articulate what I truly wanted. I had trouble admitting, even to myself at times, that I was truly seeking marriage to someone with whom I hoped to share my life.

    I found it nearly impossible to believe that there could be a man out there who would want that with me, so I avoided talking about it as much as I could. Instead, I swept it under the rug and dated anyone I found attractive.

    I hoped that somehow it would all just work out. Somehow a man would end up falling in love with me and I’d be able to “sneak a relationship in the back door.” As if he wouldn’t notice.

    I know that this sounds ridiculous, but that seemed to be the way it worked in the movies.

    I thought that my dreams of a loving marriage were too much, overly traditional, and not feminist enough. It wasn’t what all the women’s magazines said I should be doing. In retrospect, I can see that I was actually ashamed of what I wanted.

    I tried to deny my dream of finding true love, even to myself, but my heart would not be silenced.

    Meanwhile, I dated prolifically and never told any of the men what I was looking for. I simply hoped that they would like me enough to somehow know what I wanted and offer it to me.

    Needless to say, this did not happen and many misunderstandings ensued.

    There wasn’t really a term for it then, but I was “roached” among quite a few other things. At the time, I thought those men were heartless and cruel, but now I see how I put myself in those situations by not being honest and forthright about what I was looking for.

    I spent years getting my heart broken repeatedly and it took a huge toll on me. I finally decided that it was time to own up to what I really wanted because what I was doing was obviously not working.

    I sat down and decided exactly what I wanted. I journaled about the life I wanted, the relationship I wanted, how I wanted to feel when I was with this person and the kind of person I wanted to be.

    Then I promised myself that I would always have my own back and do everything I could to live the life I dreamed of no matter what anyone thought. I started telling the truth about what I wanted, even though it was difficult and scary and sometimes not eloquent at all.

    I made myself ask the questions I wanted the answers to, even when my voice shook and I wished that the floor would swallow me up so that I could hide.

    Sure, it scared some men away, but it also inspired a few of them. Including the man I married.

    If you’re wondering whether or not you’re being roached, ask yourself if you’ve truly been honest with the person you’re dating about what you’re looking for. Have you had an actual conversation or have you just hinted? Do you know what your partner is seeking in a relationship? Have you asked?

    If you haven’t talked about this yet, do it as soon as possible. If you’re afraid to do this, ask yourself why. Not having this conversation may seem easier in the moment, but in the long run it’s often much more painful.

    It takes courage to decide what you want in life and to communicate your truth to another person. It requires strength and fortitude to create an authentic life instead of hoping that things turn out the way you want them to without any effort on your part.

    You don’t have to turn your life around in a single day. You can do it one conversation at a time.

    It’s like building your muscles when you work out. Over time, you’ll get stronger. Your communication skills will improve when you do this and so will your confidence.

    Your relationships will improve as well. You’ll never have to worry about being roached again, because you’ll know where you stand with the people you date.

    Before you know it, you will have transformed your life and your relationships forever.

  • If You Carry One Thing with You Today

    If You Carry One Thing with You Today

  • Radical Compassion: How to Heal Our Hostile World

    Radical Compassion: How to Heal Our Hostile World

    “An enemy is a person whose story you do not know.” ~Irene Butter

    We all know the status of our currently hostile nation—it feels as though you can’t make it through a single speech or read an article or engage in a conversation with friends that doesn’t somehow touch on polarizing topics or divisive politics. The focus is on our differences instead of our shared humanity.

    It’s all too easy to blame other people, other groups, and other political parties for the endless strife in our world—civil wars, famines, natural disasters, school shootings, homelessness, environmental destruction—just as it’s easy to blame others who play some role in our personal narratives of failed relationships, unsatisfying work, and family strain.

    Suffice it to say, compassion is all but gone and the golden rule that we were taught so innocently as children feels as though it died along with our childhoods.

    I could readily spin this into some narrative about that person, that group, or that organization causing the “problem.” But I’m going to let you in on the secret to this post ahead of time… spoiler alert, they aren’t the problem, I am. Whoever or whatever I find myself blaming aren’t the real sources of the problem, I AM… and so are you.

    I hope by the end of this, a small part of what I am saying resonates with you as a means for a cure rather than another recipe for guilt and shame.

    I wish I could tell you that radical compassion has come easy to me. I wish I could tell you that I have it all figured out, that I’m enlightened, that I’m making cookies for every stranger I meet, passing out hugs like coupons to a new restaurant. I wish I could give you a secret formula for perfect peace and joy in your life so you can be consumed with radical compassion yourself.

    But in all honesty, the formula doesn’t exist, and I wouldn’t trust anyone (including myself) who ever tried to feed me one. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t very real, very tangible things we can do to get closer to a life of joy amidst all of the chaos living throws our way.

    I don’t believe that pure joy and bliss are endpoints—things to “achieve” or “accomplish.” Instead, I think of joy and peace as continuums you can actually work to improve upon, allowing you to find more balance in your life—as opposed to the stress, anxiety, anger, frustration and resentment that consumes so much of our days.

    The storms of life will never stop coming our way. We can’t stop them or even lessen their blows. But we do have power to control our reactions and to change how we weather the storms. Therein lies the path to peace.

    Let me rewind things back a bit for reference. I came from a troubled childhood; I had a twisted relationship with my religion and, by the time I made it to college, I was destined to prove wrong the world, my childhood, and my God. I was going to save the world. I earnestly believed that nobody else in mainstream culture seemed to care, so it was up to me.

    By graduation I was living on four to five hours of sleep per night, working seven days a week, and surviving on a liquid diet of coffee, coffee, and another cup of coffee. I was so productive and effective that I actually thought it might be possible for me to save the world.

    By twenty-three I was worth seven figures and was running my own save-the-world social enterprises. I had a non-profit, a kid on the way, and I was consulting for some of the largest companies in the Midwest—all while driving a two-door, uncomfortably bright-yellow Ford Focus.

    Within a year I was physically sick (another spoiler alert—I survived to write this to you) and completely broke. All of my businesses were shut down, including my non-profit. My family was split.

    What was the worst part of this for the success-obsessed twenty-four-year-old with a hero complex? Realizing that when my world came to a crashing halt, the rest of the world moved on without me.

    Now what does this all have to do with radical compassion? For me it took losing everything to see that I needed to change. It was only in the humility of losing it all that I was able to wrestle with a very hard truth of social justice work: It is physically impossible to sustain long-term external compassion without a stronger, more stable, foundational internal compassion. In my journey to save everyone else, I did so at the expense of my own life.

    And here’s the now-obvious downfall in that: You cannot love another person more than you love yourself. It is impossible and if you try to do so, you will ultimately fail. Without caring for and loving myself, I eventually become a greater burden to those I was trying to help in the first place.

    What does this have to do with our world now? Like the twenty-three-year-old self-proclaimed savior of the world, we have become a selfish, self-idolizing culture that thinks we have all the answers and the others don’t. We think we are the only ones who care about the world.

    What we are missing in our current polarized culture is a shared humanity. That person that you are yelling at who has a different political, social, religious, fill-in-the-blank opinion than you, well they are human too, and you are no better than them.

    When you can unveil your own hidden depths and come to admit that you are not perfect, that you make countless mistakes, all the time, that you constantly change and evolve your opinions and beliefs… then you will begin to open up to having more compassion for yourself.

    And when you can begin to see yourself as a human being that is loved and worthy of grace and compassion—even though you are not perfect and not living up to your own ideals—you can begin to see that the person “opposing” you with the same grace and compassion you have for yourself, no matter how different she is or how many mistakes he has made.

    Why? Because you can believe that maybe, just for a moment, they are a person, just like you, doing the best they can with what they believe to be true.

    My friend Irene Butter, who survived the holocaust concentration camps, perfectly summarizes this entire concept in a single sentence: “An enemy is a person whose story you do not know.” Daryl Davis, The Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Malala Yousafzai—all people who live out their lives through radical compassion share this conviction.

    Friends, we need to seek wisdom from the people who have come before us—people like Irene who have suffered through the worst of human history. We need to listen to how they came out on the other side of those horrors somehow loving their enemies, filled with an unspeakable compassion that no hate can touch, and with a reverence for a burning activism of change that no amount of water can put out.

    If ultimately, we care about changing this world, if we believe in ideas like radical compassion, it’s time we stop looking elsewhere and start looking within. It’s time that we become the radical compassion this world so desperately needs. This is just the first step, but my friend, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever your story is, that first step starts with you.

    Join me and may we be radical enough to take that first step, together.

  • I Will Not Seek Revenge and Be Spiteful

    I Will Not Seek Revenge and Be Spiteful

  • Please Remember to Check in On Your Friends

    Please Remember to Check in On Your Friends

  • I Will Not Seek Revenge and Be Spiteful

    I Will Not Seek Revenge and Be Spiteful

  • I’m Still Cheering You on From Afar

    I’m Still Cheering You on From Afar

  • Love Yourself, on Valentine’s Day and Always

    Love Yourself, on Valentine’s Day and Always

    “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.” Brené Brown 

    Growing up I watched my grandparents’ relationship with longing. They anticipated each other’s needs, they did small loving gestures for each other every day, and they put the other first without resentment. I longed to have a relationship like theirs one day and meet someone who understood me the way they understood each other.

    In contrast, I observed the relationship between my parents. My mother was constantly in a state of panic trying desperately to please my father. Her actions were always met with contempt and criticism, and her pleas for attention and affection were ignored.

    He never anticipated her needs or cared about what she wanted. He did whatever suited him, he said whatever he thought, criticized and complained constantly, rarely helped around the house, except for cooking, which he loved, and he always got his way in the relationship. I did not want a relationship like that and the thought of becoming anything like my mother repulsed me.

    When we are raised in a toxic environment we are often not taught how to love and value ourselves. We are not taught to stand up for ourselves or develop healthy boundaries with others. As a result, we are drawn to abusive and/ or toxic relationships because this way of being treated feels normal.

    Throughout high school and university, I attracted a string of relationships that reflected my upbringing.

    I formed friendships with people who used me and discarded me, who expressed their opinions, views, and values but could not care less about mine. I had employers who did not value me, and I acted passive and eager to please because I had been taught that this was the only way to be liked and valued.

    I attracted romantic partners who abused me verbally and physically and treated me the same way my father treated my mother.

    The people in my life would say things to me such as “I will love you if…” “I will treat you better when…” “I will only care about what you have to say if and when…”

    These statements were familiar, so I accepted them without question, but I was trapped in a cycle of abuse and self-loathing. A cycle that was hurting me and holding me back from becoming the person I was meant to be.

    I have learned that you cannot expect another person to love, respect, or value you if you do not love or value yourself. If you do not love yourself, you fail to uphold healthy boundaries that protect your dignity and personal value and you allow others to define you in ways that are demeaning and self-serving.

    For me, self-love stated by discarding old narratives that others had told me for years. I was not worthless or incompetent. I was not defined by the grades I did not get in high school or the mistakes I made while I was learning new skills. I was not lazy. I was not going to come to a sad end or be a burden to society. I was going to do great things with my life. I was going to thrive!

    If you were raised in a toxic environment you likely were taught that self-love is narcissistic, that being aware of your own needs and putting those needs first is selfish and wrong, and that you should continue to sacrifice yourself for the good of others who matter more than you.

    What you need to remember is that these words were likely said to you by people who benefited from your self-sacrifice and self-hatred. There is nothing wrong with expressing your own needs, wants, and desires or setting and achieving goals that would allow you to lead a full life. You become your best self when you do these things and you are better able to help others in a meaningful way.

    Once I started to love myself my life began to transform. I started to set healthy boundaries with people, and the relationships in my life began to change. People who were in my life to use me as a tool fell away, and although I was sad to lose these so-called friendships I began to attract reciprocal relationships. In social situations, I was listened to and my opinons were respected and valued for the first time in my life!

    I began to get a clear picture of what my goals and needs actually are, and I started to understand myself in a way I had never done before.

    When you grow up with abuse in any form you are not taught who you are. Instead, you are given a self-serving, subordinating narrative of yourself by the abuser that reflects who they are and serves their own selfish needs. If you hold on to this narrative, you can never be fully you or live up to your potential life because you are forced to be blind to your own needs and strengths.

    Once I consciously choose to let go of the past narratives of others, I was free. This did not mean that I was blind to my shortcomings or that I felt entitled, arrogant, or self-important. It meant that I embraced my strengths, was compassionate with myself when I made mistakes, I was aware of my needs, and I gave myself permission to rest and reflect when I needed it.

    I have learned that self-love is a process. For me, that process involved writing down what I like about myself, my past accomplishments that I am proud of, what I am good at, what I need in relationships and work environments.

    It meant having the courage to walk away from relationships with people who do not respect me including members of my own family.

    It involved setting myself up for success and happiness by building on my strengths while allowing myself to grow.

    I got my masters, started my Ph.D., joined a competitive swim team, and helped my students and friends in meaningful ways and formed meaningful relationships with like-minded people. I took risks that have led to rewards I could never have imagined. My point here is not to brag but to illustrate that I had I not learned to love myself, I would not have been able to accomplish these things.

    Let go of narratives that no longer serve you, do what you love, believe that in your abilities, and know that someone will love you for you! Self-love is a choice and one I hope you will choose on Valentine’s day and always.

  • What to Do When You’re Stressed, Distressed, or Overwhelmed

    What to Do When You’re Stressed, Distressed, or Overwhelmed

    “Picture a pattern of upright dominoes that have been positioned just far enough away from one other to highlight the gap between them, but just close enough to hit each other if one of them tips over. Hit a single domino and it sets off a chain reaction. Oftentimes, our own actions, reactions and counter-reactions, criticisms and defensive responses function like dominoes. When we’re not able to access our mindfulness, reactivity takes over.” ~Alicia Muñoz

    Before my husband and I were married, he lived in New Zealand and I lived in the States. One way we coped with the distance was by making cassette tapes for each other, which we would send via snail mail.

    Sometimes we shared news of the day, personal information, and future dreams. Occasionally, in the middle of the night, the messages were passionate and deeply private—as only 3 am messages in the grip of longing and limerence can be.

    One day, I had a client who was interested in the teachings of a meditation instructor with whom I was acquainted, so I offered to make her a tape of a session from the instructor’s workshop. I grabbed a blank tape from a nearby basket, used my recorder to dub one of the sessions, and passed the tape on to her.

    A few days later, she asked if she could come by my office for a moment. When she arrived, she was uncomfortable and flustered as she handed the tape back to me.

    “Uh, I—I don’t think you meant this for me,” she stammered. Then she abruptly left my office.

    My heart seized. I knew which tape it was before I even listened to it. It was a recording so steamy I hadn’t even sent it to Tim. Somehow, instead of getting thoroughly erased or tossed in the garbage, the tape had found its way into the blank-tape basket.

    I can’t find the words to describe my feelings. Crushing embarrassment surged through my body. When I made it home, I flung myself onto the couch and lay there for ten minutes, paralyzed with shock.

    “How could you have been so careless?” I berated myself. It felt like the end of my career. As my shame and self-castigation mounted, my ability to discern my options plummeted. I began to consider moving to another town.

    Suddenly I remembered a training session on stress management I’d recently attended. It had advocated pausing long enough to take a slow, deep breath whenever we feel overwhelmed and then doing something different.

    I forced my leaden legs to stand and set the goal of touching an oak tree in the backyard before heading back to the couch. With effort, I got up and walked outside. When I reached my goal and gently touched it, I noticed a heron perched in a nearby tree, eyeing my fishpond with sinister interest. I moved into action, scaring it away by yelling at it.

    By the time I returned to the couch, I was breathing normally. Although I was still embarrassed, the magnitude of my emotions had moved from a ten to a three. I’d begun to see I would not die of embarrassment, and my client would also recover from her shock. Pausing long enough to do something different stopped the chain reaction of the domino effect.

    This is the biology of what happened. We each have a nervous system that operates outside of our conscious awareness called the parasympathetic nervous system. It’s activated when we are at rest and not in distress.

    Essentially, in our normal conscious life the lights are on at the front of our brain, where the frontal lobe resides, and we make decisions that are reasonable, responsible, and rational. Our heart beats normally, and we generally eat when we are hungry and rest when we are tired.

    When we are distressed, as I was when my client returned the tape to me, our brain switches gears and mobilizes the sympathetic nervous system, which causes the “lights to go out” in the frontal lobe and the “lights to go on” in the back of our brain where the amygdala (the brain’s 9-1-1 center) resides. So we react from another center, the system that tells us we are in danger, are embarrassed, or are under some other kind of threat.

    Our heart beats faster, our blood circulation slows down, and our body reacts as though we are under attack—even if the attack is coming from our own thoughts, as it was for me. Some of us don’t eat, others eat more than they need, some people collapse into sleep, and others stay awake with tingling limbs and racing thoughts.

    None of that is fun for anyone. The good news is, it’s totally fixable if we can remember to take a moment to pause. Working with our breath and moving our body—touching a tree as I did, for example—reassures the body that the danger is gone, and the lights can come back on at the front of the brain.

    My story is a reminder of how important it is to manage our own internal reactions before we can respond to a situation in a healthy, productive, reasonable way. Taking a moment, a breath, or a stretch helps us rebalance in the face of distressing interactions; we can think wisely about what to do next rather than act from panic and reactivity. I call this skill the pause.

    Four Small Steps to Help You Pause and Rebalance

    1. Notice when your body is tense and stressed. Accept your reaction without judging it as wrong. Take a few deep breaths to slow yourself down. Tense and relax the muscles in your limbs.

    2. Do something to get back to your body. Go for a walk, run, or do some other kind of exercise. Touch a tree and scare away a heron, as I did. Take a shower, chew on an ice cube, or smell some lavender.

    3. Do something that quiets the mind. Listen to a soothing piece of music. Say a prayer, practice a mantra, or recite a poem.

    4. Notice again what is going on in your body. It will probably feel different now.

    You might have picked up on this already, but practicing the pause is inextricably intertwined with practicing mindfulness. Pausing involves observing your emotions and noticing your mind’s desire to react from its fear center, and it also involves redirecting the mind’s attention to more soothing, physical rituals like breathing and moving.

    At spiritual retreats, it’s a common practice to ring a bell at unexpected times throughout the day. People are asked to stop what they are doing for a moment when the bell rings—they must stop folding clothes, put down their forks, or take a break from their conversations—and turn inward. This develops the practice of becoming still enough to take a breath and check in with our wise and centered selves rather than giving in to our first reaction to what is going on in the outer world.

    —

    Adapted from the book Love Skills. Copyright ©2020 by Linda Carroll. Printed with permission from New World Library