Tag: wisdom
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How I Overcame My Relationship Anxiety and Doubts
“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in my life is to risk nothing.” ~Leo Buscaglia
It was the day after my boyfriend proposed and I felt sick with anxiety. I couldn’t understand this feeling. I loved my boyfriend; we were living together, and I didn’t want to break up with him, so why was I so anxious?
I googled furiously in search of answers. I worried this was a sign that the relationship wasn’t ‘right,’ and this made me feel even more anxious. I worried that it was my gut instincts speaking to me and I would regret it if I didn’t listen. But there was another part of me that didn’t want to leave the relationship. That was very confusing.
“Maybe I am just afraid to be alone,” I thought.
However, as someone with a tendency toward anxiety I also wondered if this was just another expression of that. Finally, after about a month of sleepless nights, worrying, and googling, I came across a forum that mentioned relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD) or relationship anxiety.
What is ROCD?
“Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in which the sufferer experiences intrusive, unwanted, and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality, and ‘true nature’ of their love for their partner. Obsessions in ROCD include a preoccupation with a partner’s appropriateness as a mate, overall level of attractiveness, sexual desirability, or long-term compatibility, and often arise in otherwise entirely healthy relationships.” (Center for OCD Los Angeles)
It gave me a huge sense of relief to know that what I was experiencing was indeed anxiety-related and I didn’t need to leave my lovely fiancé.
I took a relationship anxiety course and it was of enormous help to me. I learned so much about myself and am now able to enjoy my relationship again. I want to share what I learned in the hope that it will help someone else.
The Difference Between Anxiety and Gut Instincts
My main concern before and after learning about ROCD was “What if this is actually my gut instincts telling me that I need to leave?” This is a scary question, and a very common one for sufferers of ROCD. There is also no definitive way of answering this question, which is frustrating. Anxiety hates uncertainty.
One thing that helped me was to remind myself that I have worried obsessively about lots of things for most of my life. For instance, when I was single, I wanted to know with absolute certainty that I would meet someone and be happily married one day. I would seek reassurance from friends and family and worry about it endlessly. This anxiety felt similar to that.
If I’d worried unnecessarily in the past, it stood to reason I could be doing the same thing in my relationship.
Fear of Conflict
The interesting thing about healing from relationship anxiety is that it seems to uncover different wounds for different people. In this way it can be a gift, as it triggers a lot of self-discovery and growth.
For me, it uncovered a fear of conflict and losing myself.
When I was growing up, I felt like I had to put aside my feelings in order to “keep the peace.” As a result, my adult relationships sometimes feel like a choice between losing the person I love and losing myself. I have had to learn that conflict can be healthy; it doesn’t mean a relationship isn’t right.
I used to find it hard to voice my opinions and needs in my relationship. I needed to test the assumption that conflict is unsafe.
Thankfully, I found that the opposite is true. You can’t have a healthy relationship with out conflict. My partner has strong opinions, he doesn’t let me off the hook easily, and we are very different in some ways, but I have never felt unsafe when we are debating an issue.
Without conflict we are either not being honest or sacrificing our needs, which can lead to the feeling of losing oneself.
Fear of Making the “Wrong Choice”
I love my parents and I know they did their best, but there are things about their relationship that I would not want to repeat in my own.
Often relationship anxiety is related to the first relationship we were exposed to. There is a myriad of things that we may have been witnessed in our parents’ relationship: domestic violence, infidelity, divorce, abandonment. It is easy to become hypervigilant about not repeating our parents’ mistakes, at least as we perceive them. Add to this is the idea of “the one” and our fear of missing out or “settling” and we have a recipe for relationship anxiety.
When my partner says something insensitive or we have a different view on things, I still feel anxious at times. But I am able to recognize that I am triggered and stabilize myself again. Sometimes this involves talking it through with him. But often I just need to take some time to process the emotions, to see what in my past my has been triggered, and practice some self-soothing.
Recognizing your particular areas of sensitivity can help you differentiate between doubts about your partner and old wounds being triggered.
Unhelpful Beliefs About Love
Our culture’s ideas about love are very unhelpful. We are brought up on Hollywood movies showing love as passion, desire, and finding “the one.” This is not a fair reflection of the daily grind of loving someone.
Sometimes we feel in love with our partners and sometimes we don’t, and that’s okay. The feeling of love comes and goes, but we can choose the action of love every day. Life gets busy, we all have annoying quirks, and sometimes we are tired and grumpy. This is not conducive to constant feelings of passion!
I have learned to watch the loving feelings ebb and flow. To enjoy loving feelings when they arise, knowing that when they are not there they will return.
I believe there are lots of people we could be happy with, not just one single perfect person. My partner is certainly not perfect, but he is a good person who I love and respect. We have lots in common, but we are also very different in some ways, which means we learn a lot from each other. I am so grateful that I didn’t throw away our relationship, as it is now one of the most precious things in my life.
If You Think You’re Struggling with Relationship Anxiety
If you are in a generally healthy relationship and you have experienced anxiety in the past, particularly when it comes to relationships, then there is a good chance that what you are experiencing is relationship anxiety. I encourage you to look deeper. Read more about it and perhaps see a therapist who understands ROCD.
Be careful of well-meaning friends and family who may suggest that if you aren’t sure, then it means you should break up. Many people, including therapists, don’t understand relationship anxiety. I would also suggest staying away from romantic movies and TV shows, as this will most likely lead to unhelpful comparisons.
There is no way of knowing the future and there are no guarantees in life. There is no way of knowing if our partner is 100% “right for us” or not. And if there was, I don’t think that anyone would pass the test, as we are all flawed in some way.
Loving is a risk, and there is no way of escaping that. Of course, that is scary! But in time we can learn to manage the fears and, in the process, become better at loving ourselves and our partners.
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How to Take Good Care of Yourself During the Coronavirus Pandemic
EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.
“Self-care is how you take your power back.” ~Lalah Delia
For more than a week now, I’ve been immersed in how to handle the pandemic that is unfolding all around us. By now, one thing is clear to me. We are either our greatest allies or our own worst enemies at such times. How we react makes all the difference.
One friend brought home a three-inch tome all about pandemics, determined to read her way through it. Another began advising everyone on how to correctly make homemade hand sanitizer. Still another insisted that by ignoring the entire thing, she was serving herself best. “There’s too much hype,” she declared. “I refuse to buy my way through this.”
And you know, she had a point. As did everyone else.
After my wife and I realized all of our emergency supplies were seriously old, we threw them out. A week before the Bay Area released a “shelter in place” order, we waded through the crowds of people at Costco. All around us, people were frantically loading their carts with toilet paper and bottled water. The panic in the air was palpable. And we were not immune to the panic.
Like halfbacks snatching an intercepted pass, we emerged triumphantly with a hard-won six pack of disinfecting spray. It was handed to me by a clerk who spotted them hidden behind a forklift. Indeed, the people who worked at Costco were clearly being run ragged by the intensity of the crowds pouring into the place. All of them had the firm, polite efficiency of ER nurses practicing triage.
I came home determined not to panic, and yet found I was now glued to the major media. I couldn’t stop checking it hourly as if taking my eyes off of the situation could prove fatal. Finally, when I could take it no longer, I turned to a soothing activity—a jigsaw puzzle—and I promptly lost it.
As I sat there, weeping into my half-finished picture of the Grand Canyon, I realized the coronavirus has left me stressed out and immeasurably sad. Our world is, indeed, having a crisis and there will be more suffering ahead. Perhaps even a lot of suffering.
I simply couldn’t avoid the truth any longer. Taking a deep breath, I allowed myself to simply melt down as much as I needed to. I had a good long cry, and half an hour later I felt remarkably better.
Instantly, I became clear-headed enough to carve a path forward for myself. This one did not involve binge shopping, or massive media consumption. Instead, I developed my own COVID-19 Self-Care Checklist. For along with the handwashing and disinfecting, I find I must take care of my vulnerable, tender heart as well.
In fact, I suggest we all do. Here’s how I now proceed.
1. Limit media consumption to a sane amount.
Only you know what that means. But if you’re dreaming about media, leaping in in the middle of the night, or binging on it until you feel slightly sick, it’s time to back off. Such constant checking does give us a sense of control, but beware. Even though the news moves quickly, we do not need to consume media than a few times per day. Any more than that just creates more anxiety.
2. Get together virtually.
This idea is catching on quickly and for good reason. A paid Zoom account ($15 per month) enables you to have group meetings of up to 100.
When you click on the Gallery view (top right corner) you can see every person in attendance. Consider using this for virtual hang outs including tea parties, happy hours, coffee klatches, book clubs, and dinner parties. I’m finding it’s a great way to stay in touch with faraway relatives—we’re ‘seeing’ each other more than ever suddenly. And if money’s tight, there’s always FaceTime and Skype
3. Namaste nods work just as well as ‘foot shakes’ and elbow bumps.
Alternative greetings now abound as we’re no longer meant to hug. My sister suggested the Namaste nod, and I have to say, doing so when I greet someone makes my heart feel ever so much better. It feels right for these times somehow.
4. Walk in natural spaces.
I’m blessed to live in the Bay Area, where wonderful parks and beaches abound, and we can access them with walks, runs, and hikes even with our “shelter in place” order. Here’s what I love about going out into nature: there are no hard surfaces teeming with germs to hang on to, and it’s easy to keep that critical three to six foot distance from others.
Furthermore, a 2014 Finnish study found that strolling in a park or other natural setting for just twenty minutes provides significantly more stress relief than walking on city streets.
5. Have a good cry when you feel need to.
We all agree—this is a scary situation. One wants to “keep calm and carry on,” yet the cost of repressing our natural fear and grief is high. Far better to have a temporary meltdown, even in the privacy of our bedrooms, and then emerge clear-eyed and better able to cope. We will help ourselves and be better prepared to help others.
6. It’s okay to ask for help.
Sometimes asking for help can be small and personal. Maybe we need someone to watch our kids while we go for a stress-relief run, or maybe we need a hug from a family member. Ask for what you need, and you’ll serve yourself and everyone else in the long run. It’s time for us to get over our differences and support each other big time, just as generations before us have done in a crisis.
7. Take immune support supplements.
For some this is seen as useless, for others a godsend. If you believe some Vitamin C, or D, or ginger and garlic tonics—or whatever you take—will help you stay healthy, there’s a lot of power in that. My own preferences run towards zinc lozenges and Wellness Formula capsules. Why not? They can’t hurt and potentially can do us some real good.
8. Make sure your own emergency supplies are up to date.
I have to say, replenishing our own stock and getting it organized with a written inventory gave me a tremendous sense of relief. It dialed back my feeling of panic significantly.
If you can’t immediately purchase everything you’d like because supplies or your own funds are low, keep calm. For even now, as the Bay Area stays at home, we are allowed to grocery shop. I plan to gently replenish the stock in my nitrile gloves, mask in place, as the crowds deplete and the situation settles. I’ll also have my own little baggie of disinefecting wipes for the shopping cart if the store’s supply is out.
This situation is likely to last for months, and experts do assure us the food supplies will last in the US. So we simply need to work with it. Whether or not we are ultimately quarantined or will even have to use these back up supplies (the dehydrated potatoes, the cans of beans) is beside the point. They helped me feel like I actually had a modicum of control in hard times.
9. Be compassionate with yourself and others.
This is when people get tense, and tempers tend to run short. We often don’t perform up to expectations because we’re stressed. And yet, this is also when we need to practice loving-kindness towards ourselves and everyone else. We truly are doing the best we can, even if doesn’t look like it. So let’s give each other—and ourselves—a break. And yeah, expect yourself to be somewhat freaked out. That is very normal in a highly abnormal situation.
10. Ask yourself what you need right now.
This question is foundational, and it’s something we almost always forget to do. When you check in with yourself, you learn things that may surprise you. Try it right now. Put a hand on your heart or your belly, and close your eyes and silently ask. Your body will tell you just what she or he needs.
Do you need a long, warm bath or to stop your work at home and take a walk? Do you need to meditate? To sit down and play with your kids for a while, or get some good hugs? If you’re alone, do you need to Facetime a dear friend, or give your mom a call?
Whatever you need, do your best to honor that need. It will definitely serve you in the long run, perhaps even keeping you well as your own stress naturally lowers.
May my checklist help you relax and find your way back to loving self-care … even in such crazy times.
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How I Overcame My Anger to Be Better for My Family
“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” ~Eckhart Tolle
As a special-needs parent, it feels that I am in constant anger and fight mode.
I am fighting with my children on the home front.
I am fighting for their right to get access to services.
I am fighting for their acceptance.
I am fighting for my children to help them make progress.
To be in constant fight mode can be overwhelming and exhausting.
In my weakness, I let my emotions get the best of me.
I lose my temper with my loved ones.
The One Thing I Regret Saying to My Daughter
A particular incident that took place many years ago stands out in my mind to this date.
The principal of my daughter’s school told me she was causing lots of problems there. Her behavior was disturbing her classmates, and many parents had complaints about it.
“We feel that this school is not suitable for her and it would be best to find her another school,” said the principal.
I fought with the school to let her stay. This was the third school we had to fight for her acceptance.
I felt that I was coming to another dead end.
After that meeting, I headed home and was greeted with an onslaught of screaming and shouting children.
Adding to that chaos, my daughter with autism poured out the contents of every toiletry bottle she could find into the bathtub. It is incredible how much children can do given one minute unsupervised.
At that very moment, I snapped and yelled.
“What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?”
“Why are you always wrecking the house?”
“Why can’t I have a moment of peace without you causing any trouble?”
“I did not sign up for this!”
“I don’t want you!”
My daughter with little communication skills stood frozen. I saw fear in her eyes. She felt every ounce of anger I had in me then.
Why Yelling Further Delays a Child’s Development
When children misbehave, yelling at them seems like a natural response. We feel that when we yell at them, we get their attention, we are disciplining them.
None of us likes to be yelled at. When we yell at our children, they are more likely to shut down instead of listening. That is not a good way to communicate.
For children on the spectrum, yelling can be particularly detrimental, as it may result in them retreating into their own world and not engaging with other people even more.
The more we connect and engage with them, the more they can thrive and grow. Hence, yelling can never be a means to “discipline” them regardless of how stressful and frustrated we may feel at that moment.
Not Yelling—Easier Said Than Done
Trust me. No one understands this more than I do. When you are stressed and frustrated, releasing all that pent-up emotion seems like the only solution.
I struggle at managing my anger. There are so many times I find myself regretting the way I spoke and raised my voice to my loved ones.
With each angry word exchanged, I see my daughter retreating into her own world, and it pains me so much. Her mother caused all of that.
The truth is, I am not angry with my daughter for the silly things she has done.
It is not her fault.
My beautiful daughter is not making life difficult for me, she is having a difficult time.
For her sake, I’ve I had to find a positive way to deal with my anger issues.
I’ve needed to help myself so that I could help her.
Anger Is Just a Mask for Another Emotion
Anger is often a secondary emotion. It is a mask that covers a deeper feeling that I am unwilling to address.
Behind my anger are my fears, frustration, and insecurities.
More than often, my anger stems from my inability to control what is outside of myself.
I am unable to change the school’s decision not to accept her.
My daughter is unable to receive decent therapy support in our home country.
Instead, I have had to be my daughter’s therapist, and I felt insecure about my abilities to help her then.
All these overwhelming feelings of being frustrated, being unfairly treated, not being respected, triggered the anger inside of me. Unfortunately, my poor daughter had to bear the angry burns of her hot-headed mother.
How I Address the Real Meaning of My Anger
In order to manage my anger, I’ve needed to:
1. Acknowledge the emotion I am feeling.
What am I feeling now?
I am feeling angry.
Telling myself that I am angry helps me to calm down.
It’s important to recognize and feel the anger in these situations. By addressing it, I am acknowledging that I matter, and it prompts me to take a deeper look at what is going on behind the scenes.
2. Identify the emotion behind the anger.
What am I feeling besides anger?
I am feeling rejected by what the school has done, and I am also feeling anxious about having the time to find another school for my daughter, or if I even can.
My anger is always trying to tell me something. Once I listen to it, I’m in a better place to understand the situation and move forward toward the healing process.
The more clarity I get about why I am angry and the more I acknowledge those emotions, the less my anger impacts me. By gaining more clarity, I can also find productive solutions to solve my problems.
How I Manage My Anger
1. Replace negative thoughts with more constructive ones.
I realize that my attitude affects how I interpret my circumstances. It impacts my thoughts, energy, and above all, the actions I take.
Much of my anger and frustration can be better managed when I practice reframing.
Instead of saying, “My child is a brat who doesn’t listen and is out to make my life miserable,” I try to say, “My child doesn’t quite understand what I’m trying to tell her. I need to demonstrate to her what she is required to do.”
By reframing my thought process and how I describe my children and my problems, I am able to see things with acceptance, compassion, and empathy.
2. Identify common anger triggers.
Identifying my common triggers helps me mentally prepare myself prior to the event.
I start by visualizing a typical situation and ask myself how I can respond to it wisely. The more I practice this visualization, the more I can react to such situations more appropriately.
It also helps to journal down what times and moments cause these triggers.
3. Practice some relaxation/calming exercises.
Using simple relaxation and calming strategies helps me soothe those angry feelings.
Some examples of common relaxation exercises:
- Having a cup of tea
- Using breathing techniques
- Practicing yoga and meditation
- Listening to music
- Exercising
- Using stress-relief tools (e.g. stress ball)
Since I’ve been practicing these exercises, homework and therapy times at home have been more pleasant for me and the children. Meditating for five minutes before homework takes away any lingering frustrations and stress.
4. Focus on the solution, not the problem.
All too often, when a problem occurs, I focus on the negative situation, and this puts me in a bad mood. I resolve more things when I focus more on the solution instead.
To start, I take the time to fully analyze the problem and make a list of possible solutions.
When I do this, I know I am taking proactive steps to improve our lives. I am focusing on what I can control instead of mindlessly reacting to my circumstances.
5. Find humor in the situation.
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.
Finding humor in a situation, even amid the most trying times, can be both relieving and empowering.
I was in the car when my daughter started screaming and crying suddenly. I stopped the car and asked her what the matter was; no amount of coaxing, hugs, and bribes {sweets} was able to calm her down.
I was feeling stressed with the situation, so in desperation, I made funny faces and fart noises at her. and she laughed hysterically. After a good laugh, my daughter explained that she was angry with me because I promised her earlier that I would bring her to the shop, but instead was driving toward home.
If I had responded in anger then, I would not have been in a position of empathy to help her, and the mystery to her emotional outburst would remain unsolved.
6. Take a time-out.
When I sense a wave of anger coming up, I try to excuse myself from the situation. Taking a time-out prevents me from saying things that I may later regret.
Finding a quiet area to cool down and practicing some of the relaxation exercises mentioned above has saved me on many occasions.
When the anger has subsided, I find it helps to think of what I may say before returning to the scene.
7. Practice forgiveness.
It’s difficult to find peace when we’re bottled up in anger and pain. Constant internal hostility saps away our energy both physically and mentally.
It helps me minimize the hostility within to see everyone like my daughter—not giving me a hard time, but having a hard time. It’s much easier to forgive when I consider that everyone else is struggling, trying their best, and sometimes falling short.
By forgiving, I accept the events for the way they are. I am letting go of any negative attachments.
By forgiving, I am taking control of my life by saying that this act no longer defines me, it no longer controls me.
By forgiving, I can finally find peace and move on with my life.
Learning How to Own My Anger
I have seen first-hand how my anger affects my family. It doesn’t serve them at all. Out of love and necessity, I will do whatever I can to be a better person for them.
Hence, every day in every way, I am making a conscious effort to control my anger before it controls me.
There will be days when I still mess up. We are all human and we will never be perfect.
I recognize my mistakes and acknowledge what needs to be done to improve.
Slowly but surely, I am getting there. I am, and will always be, a constant work in progress.
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Is your anger controlling your life? What strategies have helped you work through and let go of your anger?
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Deep Down You Know When It’s Time to Let Go
“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” ~Daphne Rose Kingma
One of the most challenging things in life is knowing when to let go—when to let go of a job, a relationship, a belief, a repeating thought, a situation… fill in the blank.
Most of us have defaulted to safety, which often means procrastinating and generally feeling stuck. While there’s nothing wrong with safety—it is, after all, one of our basic needs—we must learn to discern what is truly safe and what is safe for the sake of comfort and conformity, the latter of which ultimately leaves us feeling depleted.
“Safe” is a subjective term. What feels safe to you may not feel safe to me. For most of us, the unknown feels unsafe, yet as you may have heard, the magic happens when we surrender to the unknown. Chances are, if we are seeking more, longing for more, yet feel paralyzed to move because we feel “safe,” we are probably stuck.
I recently experienced one of the most challenging transitions of my life when I let go of a long-term relationship. It didn’t happen overnight. It all began with a nudge and a deep knowing that I felt stuck, yet all the outer signs evidenced a “good” relationship, and my mind wouldn’t let go of the idea that there was nothing “wrong” with it.
By societal standards, I shouldn’t have been complaining or contemplating, but I believe we all really want one thing: to thrive and experience change when it’s necessary for our evolution and joy.
Resistance and fear will try to tell us a whole lot of stories about why we should be grateful and stay put, but if there is an inkling, a nudge, a quiet inner voice that keeps nagging and telling us it’s time to go, then it’s time to release and move on. Even though letting go may not immediately make any logical sense, listening to that voice can bring new, fulfilling experiences.
This phase in my life has taught me that life is all about flow and movement, and that living, truly living, means that we are constantly changing and evolving. Living means being called to practice detachment to make room for new energy.
I also learned that when we don’t listen to that inner voice that says it’s time to let go, and sometimes screams it loud from our heart and gut, life will conspire to make us move, whether we want to or not.
If we wait long enough and dismiss our deep truth, life will make sure that truth comes out one way or another. Events and circumstances will happen that will cause us to move, and sometimes cause us to move at a rate that we did not expect or plan.
The biggest lesson for me was, do not wait for life to force you; check in daily and connect to the deep truth that overrides logic and analysis and simply nudges you along.
This isn’t easy when the voice of fear is loud and untamed.
Letting go is part of the human experience, but there are ways to minimize the impact of transition if we are mindful. Here are some actions I took and lessons and insights I learned during this transition that helped me embrace letting go. These can apply to any situation that requires letting go.
I took inventory of all the gifts from my relationship and sat in gratitude.
I reflected on how I could have shown up differently and more authentically.
I took responsibility for what I had contributed to the situation.
I promised myself that I would never betray my inner voice.
I embraced alone time often.
I constantly asked myself, “What do I need in this moment?”
I allowed myself to mourn and grieve whenever those feelings arose.
I allowed myself to have hard days and was extra gentle with myself during those moments.
I asked myself what part of me needed to heal so that I could hear my inner voice and override the fear-based thoughts that keep me stuck.
I indulged in a self-care routine and opted for activities that felt nourishing.
I kept a daily promise to myself, no matter how small it was.
I surrounded myself with people I love and with whom I feel safe.
I traveled and welcomed the energy of newness and curiosity,
I hugged myself a lot—it is so nourishing!
I got comfortable with patience and surrender—two great lessons that I needed to learn.
I embraced the unknown.
I learned that you can love that job, that person, that circumstance, and still feel a deep urge to move on.
We are all worthy of feeling fulfilled and nourished; that is the point of life
Sometimes, we just grow apart from that person, thing, or circumstance. It’s that simple, don’t fight it.
It is never about blame or shame; it is always about experience and experiencing life right where you are and where you are nudged to go.
It’s okay to say goodbye and still feel love and gratitude.
Nothing is ever wasted. Every experience has a meaning in your life.
Everything has a season—sometimes the season lasts a minute, sometimes it lasts years, but eventually there is a new season on the horizon.
Here is the thing, if we don’t listen to the voice that is asking us to let go, then we will never know what beautiful blessings await us on the other side—in the unknown. Our minds cannot possibly conceive what lies ahead.
I had to make room for new love and new energy, two elements I longed for daily. I had no idea what my life would look like, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that with newness comes great curiosity and joy.
If resentment, wonder, curiosity, longing, stuckness, and boredom seem to keep circling in your mind, it’s time to take inventory and ask yourself a very hard question: Is it time to let go?
Even if you don’t feel any “negative” feelings but feel a nudge, a knowing pushing you forward, listen and listen with your heart.
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How to Stay Mindful and Safe Amid the Coronavirus Outbreak
EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.
“We cannot always control everything that happens to us in this life, but we can control how we respond.” ~Lionel Kendrick
The coronavirus is no longer isolated to just China. It’s here, affecting over ninety countries, and it continues to spread worldwide with new cases popping up daily. It’s all over the news and there is an inescapable sense of anxiety, stress, and uncertainty.
Just within the last week, there were over fifty confirmed cases in the Bay Area, where I live. Am I scared? Yeah, especially for my elderly parents who are already immune-compromised. Anxiety thrives on uncertainty. And these are some very uncertain times.
But then I am reminded to be mindful, not swept away by the constant news stories, office chatter, and Facebook stories bombarding my external environment. Being mindful doesn’t mean ignoring or avoiding the situation at hand. It means being present, aware, and discerning with all that is going on with the spread of the coronavirus.
Here are some things that help me stay grounded and mindful:
1. Be prepared for the things that you can control.
We don’t have control over what happens in life, but we do have control over how we choose to respond. So how can you choose to respond to this outbreak? You can choose to react to the news, be driven by fear, causing anxiety and stress—or you can choose to be better prepared. Here are some examples:
Physical Precautions: You might have trouble finding hand sanitizer, clorox wipes, masks, and other such supplies, but you can still wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water.
Social precautions: You might want to avoid or limit huge social gatherings. Switch to phone calls and video calls, to stay connected with friends and keep your sense of community.
Relationship/Family: Discuss with family members extra precautions needed for their safety. Talking to your parents, older relatives, and children about the importance of handwashing and some (or all) of the other precautions listed here.
I (with the tag team effort of my brother) finally convinced my elderly parents to cancel their upcoming international trip. When we were able to communicate our concern from a place of love, not control, my (stubborn) parents were more receptive.
Work: Discuss with your boss the possibility of work-from-home options, and make sure you have the necessary equipment and tools to work remotely.
Finances: There is a possibility that you could be asked to stay home and not work for an extended amount of time. If you are not financially prepared for this, it is important to start thinking about it now. Some questions you may ask yourself are: Where are some areas I could cut unnecessary spending? How can I save more in the case of an emergency? Who could I reach out for financial support if I exhaust my resources?
Fitness: Instead of going to the gym, you might think about taking a run in nature, or doing your workout at home.
Disruptions such as school, work, and business closures can cause anxiety and stress. But these things are out of your control. The best thing you can do is be prepared for these disruptions to the extent that you can.
2. What you choose to focus on, grows.
Are you constantly watching the news, on top of every new case of the coronavirus, talking about the outbreak with every colleague, friend, or family member? Are you thinking, “Oh my God, what happens if I get it and spread it to my children? The whole world will be soon infected!” How are your anxiety and stress levels? I bet you believe you are at high risk.
You can choose to grow your fear by being constantly inundated with this type of information, or you can choose to anchor yourself in a belief that is true for you. An example may be: “I am taking the necessary precautions to be as safe as possible.”
If you are feeling anxious, a loving-kindness mantra may be helpful: “May I be safe, may I be healthy, may I live with ease.” My friend Dave Potter has a thirteen-minute loving-kindness meditation available here.
Personally, I choose to limit my exposure to the news and refer to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention or World Health Organization for unbiased facts.
I am not being ignorant by avoiding the news, I am being discerning of what information I expose myself to. I educate myself about the type of precautions I need to take—not out of fear, but out of discernment so that I can take the necessary precautions from an intelligent, clear, centered place.
3. Take care of your health (mind, body, spirit).
This goes without saying, but taking care of your health should always be top priority. Especially during times like these, it is even more important to care for our health and build a strong immune system.
Sleep well. Sleep affects your immune system. You are more likely to get sick after being exposed to a virus if not getting enough sleep (and quality sleep!).
Eat well and exercise. Healthy eating habits and exercise are vital to optimal health. Exercise and eating healthy promotes feelings of well-being and boosts immunity.
Self-care/self-love. You can sleep well, eat well, and be in good physical shape but be running around frantically, mind racing a million miles per minute, trying to serve everyone else’s needs. Stop and do something for you. Whether that’s taking five minutes to soak in the warm sun, enjoying a hot bath, or taking a walk in nature. Do something (no matter how small) every day, just for you.
Meditation/mindfulness practice. Breathe, sit in silence, observe your thoughts without judgment, be still. You know that meditating or practicing mindfulness has immense benefits to your health. Make it a priority.
The coronavirus is a real outbreak and deserves appropriate attention. However, the more you stress, the more you decrease your immune functioning, the more susceptible you are to viruses.
You can take the necessary precautions to be safe and decrease your chances of exposure, be discerning of what you choose to focus on, and keep your mind, body, and spirit in optimal health.
May you be safe.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you live with ease.—
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Why My “Self-Care” Did More Harm Than Good
“Self-care is how you take your power back.” ~Lalah Delia
Self-care is not a bubble bath.
I mean, it might be, if you’re the kind of person who feels like they’re committing a mortal sin by allowing themselves to wade in hot water with a candle or a book for twenty minutes alone. If that’s you, then yes. Please allow yourself a bubble bath. Regularly!
Same with a massage. Or scheduling time for exercise. Or buying yourself some new underwear. Or taking a nap.
If the idea of doing these things makes you feel squirmy and selfish and, Nooooo, I just can’t! then this is probably your brand of self-care.
It is not mine, though.
You see, I’ve never had a problem giving myself more treats. More me time! More pleasures! More whatever-I-feel-like-right-now! Treat Yo-Self wasn’t something I needed to be talked into—it was just public permission to do more of what I had always done.
By this kind of definition of self-care, I was winning the Self-Care Olympics. Why was it so hard for everyone else? I wondered, as I treated myself to another bath after my middle-of-the-day nap following by my weekly massage, while my taxes from three years ago went untouched for another day, the organic groceries in my refrigerator rotted in deference to another night of Treat Yo-Self takeout, and I canceled a therapy appointment because I just didn’t feel like going (again).
For the longest time, I waded in an ocean of cognitive dissonance. I didn’t feel like the kind of person who had a drinking problem, or lied, or who didn’t follow-through, or was flaky, or God forbid, lazy. I mean, I had so much evidence to the contrary! I was accomplished, I got a lot of things done, I presented well, people still loved me, and I had such good intentions!
Except my behavior pointed squarely to those things.
The disconnect ate at me. I knew I was tap-dancing a whole lot. I knew my good intentions were an excuse for shitty behavior. I knew that I was skating by in a lot of scenarios at work, with friends, in my financial life, at home. I knew that most of what I had accomplished was done at fifty percent, or less. I cut corners a lot.
I knew, even if I didn’t know, that much of my life was a house of cards.
So when I practiced the Instagram brand of #selfcare by pampering myself, I had this niggling sense that maybe more pampering wasn’t what I actually needed.
Which brings me to discipline.
Discipline has begrudgingly become my brand of self-care. Discipline is what has actually created freedom in my life, contrary to what I long believed. I thought my free-spirited ways were an act of rebellion against the monotony of life. That I was showing some kind of ballsy dissent toward the banality of adulthood Carpe diem and all that!
Meanwhile, through my twenties and thirties, I trembled inside, unsure as to why everyone else seemed to do adult things so easily and automatically. I thought maturity was an automatic function of time, a passive effect of getting older. Somehow, it would just magically happen!
Alas, no.
This one concept has made an enormous difference in my life: for me, self-care looks like discipline.
It looks like finishing things I start and pausing for a minute before I start another thing to consider the implications of starting said thing in the first place: financially, timewise, energy-wise, and who I might be impacting negatively if I don’t follow through.
It means boundaries on screen time. Limiting the amount of sugar I put in my body.
It means teaching my daughter to do things for herself instead of doing them for her because the latter is easier and causes less friction in the moment. It also means following through on consequences I lay down for her, even though it makes my life temporarily harder.
It means waking at basically the same time every morning, so I get in the practices that keep me steady before the rest of the world wakes up: morning pages, meditation, coffee, quiet.
It means abiding by commitments and being very exact about the commitments I make.
It means sticking to my word as much as possible, even when I don’t want to.
It means saying no to myself more than I say yes.
It means asking if my future self will thank me for what I’m about to do versus my in-this-moment self, and actually listening when the answer is, No, your future self will not appreciate this, Laura.
It often means doing what’s necessary over what’s fun.
Self-care for me means discipline because that’s what is uncomfortable for me. That’s what I struggle to do. It goes against my default patterning, and going against our patterning is how we change.
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I Used to Be Hungry All the Time
I mean, hungry allll the time. Basically, if I was awake, I was ready to eat.
I’d mindlessly pick at whatever was available.
I’d wander the kitchen feeling “snacky” all the time.
I’d be completely consumed with thoughts of what I was going to eat next from the minute I woke up til the minute I went to bed. And behind all the desires to eat were always the arguments—what I wanted to eat versus what I thought I was “supposed” to eat.
No matter how much I had just eaten, I could literally always still eat. I lived in a constant state of fear of putting on more weight and felt guilty and horrible about myself for all of it.
“No thanks, I’m not hungry” wasn’t a sentence that existed in my vocabulary.
If there was food around, I was eating it. If there wasn’t food around, I was going to get it.
(An interesting point to make here, and something for you to think about in your own history with food and dieting, is that I was never like that until I started dieting. The harder I tried to restrict certain foods, the worse it seemed to get, but I digress…)
Dieting and food rules were a big part of the cause, but they weren’t the only cause.
For many years, I thought I was a pig. I thought I was just someone who loved food. I thought I was a pig with no self-control. For quite a while I even thought I was addicted to food (and more specifically, sugar).
That was the problem, I thought. The solution then, of course, was to just try keep trying to “be good.” I had to want it more, shame myself more, and try harder to stop eating things I shouldn’t eat.
I thought the way I felt about my body (hatred, of course) was my fault because I was too much of a pig to stop eating and I kept making myself fatter and fatter (I thought).
I knew there were things in my past that could have been considered “issues” I’d never dealt with, but as far as I was concerned, they were in the past. I was over them. Besides, I was strong and nothing bothered me (I thought).
That’s what I honestly believed.
But wow, was I wrong.
Here’s what I’ve learned in the years since I’ve “awakened” (as they say) to the truth.
First, our thoughts are not our truth, but if we repeat the same ones to ourselves for long enough, we believe them to be true.
What stories are you running on autoplay in your head everyday about yourself, about food, about your body, about food?
Second, our thoughts are only the surface level chattering of a very complex computer, and that computer is constantly running (mostly) unconscious programs in the background, all day, every day.
Beneath those thoughts, what subconscious beliefs are lingering and driving them?
Those programs not only store our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, but they drive a lot of our choices as a result of those beliefs.
Our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs drive a lot of the choices we make—like, a whole lot of them.
I thought I’d share some of the unconscious beliefs I had below the surface, because, I’m also beginning to notice that a lot of us have a lot of the same ones; and if any of this resonates with you, you may recognize some of them or it may give some things to think about it your own history.
Belief: At my core, I am bad.
I am darkness. I am worthless. I am a loser. This is more a general theme of beliefs, I suppose, and thankfully it’s been shifting a lot in the last few years. It does, however, still have some roots that I’m working on.
This came from childhood, an alcoholic parent, but a number of other things as well; weight gain and food struggles contributed to it. What surprised me when I was digging into this was how many other things contributed to it as well, things that, as an adult, seem rather silly and innocent.
For example, money was always an issue when I was growing up. That’s a fairly common issue for most families that I never would have thought contributed to so much pain in my adult years—yet it did. It contributed to the “not good enough” and “loser” stories I believed about myself. Also, something I never would have guessed in a million years.
The takeaway point is that it doesn’t take big obvious childhood traumas to create these destructive “not good enough” beliefs.
Belief: I am unsafe. The world is unsafe. People are unsafe.
This one is still in there for me. It’s one of the more recent ones I’ve uncovered, so I haven’t completely cleared it yet. I frequently still feel it as a heavy ache in the center of my chest. It came mostly from having an abusive, alcoholic parent, although other things contributed to that one, as well.
Belief: Nobody cares what I have to say and even if someone does, I don’t say the right thing anyway.
This is one that I’ve fairly recently discovered, and it’s another one that came from what now seems like the silliest place. I used to hear, “Shhh, don’t say that! Little girls shouldn’t say things like that” and “Girls are meant to be seen and not heard” all the time from the adults around me when I was growing up. I mean, I probably said that to my own kid when she was little. It seems like such a normal, adult thing to say, yet it’s a message that affected me most of my life.
Belief: If I gain weight, I am worth less, I am a failure.
This one is unbelievably common because fat = bad is a message we’re programmed with from the time we’re little.
Those are a few examples to help you start thinking about some of yours.
I lived with and from those beliefs my entire life and had no idea they were even there.
What do I mean I lived from them? I mean, they drove the choices I made for myself.
Because that’s how it works.
Every belief that stemmed from the underlying, “I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, I’m bad” theme prompted me to treat myself and my body accordingly.
Those beliefs fueled overly restrictive diets, starvation, over-exercise to the point of it being corporal punishment, but they also fueled the non-stop feeling of hunger. They fueled emotional eating, over-eating, and bingeing.
The more weight I’d gain, the more it would fuel those beliefs and the more I’d try to restrict to “be good” and “make up for it,” which would result in more bingeing. It was an endless cycle.
The other beliefs created uncomfortable feelings in my body that I not only wanted to avoid but learned to mistake for physical hunger. That’s why I was always hungry. I was always trying to numb everything I was feeling—and I didn’t even know it.
That gnawing, non-stop hunger feeling was never physical hunger. It was an aching hole in my chest that needed to be filled with feelings of safety and my own love and acceptance, but that I instead tried to fill with food simply because I didn’t know it. I didn’t recognize my own unwillingness to simply allow emotions to exist.
And the whole time, I thought I was just someone who had no self-control with potato chips.
Ha. Nope. That’s not it. And that’s the good news because once you recognize that, you can start doing something about it.
Food numbs and soothes. It just does. Constant hunger or “snacking” comes from a program in your brain running in the background that’s usually attached to the need to soothe or numb something uncomfortable—fear, pain, boredom, annoyance, etc.
It’s also reward and punishment. It took me years to realize that sometimes, I was feeling driven to eat, not because I was physically hungry but because I felt so worthless, I was actively trying to punish myself.
And the side effects of trying to control food intake tend to create more self-destructive habits of over-eating and bingeing (aka, feeling “hungry” all the time).
Constant hunger, feeling like there’s a hole that just can never be filled, isn’t physical hunger. That’s why it feels like it’s a need that’s never satisfied. It’s simply misinterpreting signals and responding with the wrong fix.
Something else I’ve learned: Our bodies are unbelievably smart. They don’t want to overeat to the point of being uncomfortably full; we’ve just unlearned how to connect with and listen to them.
If you can relate to those feelings of always wanting to eat, start by simply pausing before you eat to ask yourself, am I physically hungry? Do a quick inventory of how you’re feeling. What sensations do you feel in your body? Where do you feel them? Emotionally, how do you feel? What were you just thinking about? What were you just doing?
Just pause for a second and check in with yourself. What do you really need right now? Is food the answer? (Because I know sometimes it can be hard to make yourself stop for a second when you get that urge to eat something, you can alternatively start practicing this while you’re eating)
Awareness and body-connection are where you start. From there, learning to recognize, manage, accept, and allow emotions makes a world of difference.
You don’t have to have all your unconscious beliefs uncovered and changed before you stop feeling hungry all the time.
Once you start recognizing when you’re being driven by your thoughts, beliefs, and emotions rather than physical hunger, and are better able to determine how to manage those emotions or when to just accept and allow them, the constant hunger begins to fade and things begin to shift.
