Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • What to Do If You Can’t Forgive

    What to Do If You Can’t Forgive

    “Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.” ~Rumi

    “I know I should forgive but I can’t.” I squirmed in my seat as I said this to my teacher.

    I said this immediately after I explained all that I’d experienced during our meditation exercise.  In the meditation I’d had a vivid recollection of the constant verbal and emotional abuse I’d received from my dad.

    It had been ten years since I’d lived at home, but I was still angry, still carrying all of those emotions from years ago. Instead of telling me all the virtues of why it’s important to forgive, my teacher asked me one question.

    “Are you ready to forgive?”

    “No,” I said.

    “Then don’t.”

    When he said that I burst into tears of relief.

    At that time in my life so many people had been telling me about the virtues of forgiveness, suggesting different methods. When they’d see my resistance to forgiveness, they’d just tell me the same platitudes over and over again:

     Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the other person’s behavior.

     Forgiveness is for you not the other person.

     Forgiveness frees you.

    I intellectually understood what they meant. But I still couldn’t do it. I didn’t know why I couldn’t. I had started to feel guilty and shameful that I wasn’t able to do this one thing that so many people agreed I should do.

    My teacher giving me space to not forgive gave me the permission to observe myself and my pain without judgment. This meant I could explore the subtle feelings and beliefs that I didn’t even know I had. I uncovered my resistance by asking myself:

    How was not-forgiving keeping me safe?

    At the time I was a perfectionist and was excelling in my career. I had risen quickly through the ranks of my organization because I pushed myself hard and did a great job.

    At the same time there would be moments where I would go into extreme procrastination. I had learned that I procrastinated because I felt like what I should be doing was going to harm me. I stopped and went into avoidance mode whenever I was afraid that I was going to experience burnout or if I thought I would fail and be rejected.

    I looked at my reaction to not forgiving my dad in the same way. I was avoiding forgiveness because something about the idea of it made me feel unsafe.

    I sat down and wrote about why not forgiving my dad was keeping me safe. In my journaling I was surprised to see that I felt safe with the power I had in not forgiving.

    Through a family member who had told my dad I wasn’t willing to forgive him I’d heard that he was upset that I didn’t. That knowledge, that small thing that I had control of when I hadn’t felt in control of anything regarding my dad, felt like vindication.

    I wrote deeper:

    Why was it so important for me to hold that power? 

    I realized that inside of me was still a teenaged girl living in the experience—she hadn’t graduated high school and moved out. She was still in that pain right now. In this moment. And that feeling of power was the only thing keeping her together.

    It was shocking that I could feel her so strongly in my body. Mostly in my chest and in my stomach. The feeling was heavy and like sand  I couldn’t leave that girl feeling powerless while she was still actively in the moment of pain. I had to give her something to hold onto so she could survive.

    I didn’t try to correct my perception or be more positive. I just listened to me. I finally connected with the depth of pain I had been feeling all along and how often it was there without me even noticing. I wasn’t used to connecting with my body  I wasn’t used to listening to myself without judging.

    My teacher asked me if it was okay if instead of forgiving my dad if we released the energy that I was feeling from my body. I said yes, so he led me through a guided meditation.

    In it I took several deep breaths and visualized that I was sending all of my dad’s energy and the energy of situation through the sun and back to my dad. By moving the light through the sun my dad would only receive pure light back, not any of the pain he’d projected.

    I then took back my own energy, my authentic power, whatever I felt had been taken from me or whatever power I felt I’d given away. I visualized that energy moving through the sun and being cleansed so that all I received was my own pure light.

    Then I visualized all the other people who had heard my story or actually witnessed what went on with my dad letting go of all their judgments and attachments, like streams of light rising into the sky.

    After the meditation was done my body felt good. I felt lighter. I didn’t feel a part of me was caught in the past.

    Suddenly I had a strong urge to forgive my father. And I did.

    Over time I found that I still had more forgiving to do, but it was easier. I didn’t have to be convinced to forgive, I naturally wanted to.

    What helped me the most when I couldn’t forgive was finally recognizing that forgiveness is more than making a mental choice and saying words. Forgiveness is a decision that’s made with the body and the soul. It comes naturally when it is ready. 

    If you just can’t forgive, I invite you to explore what worked for me:

    1. Accept that you aren’t ready to forgive and trust your decision.

    2. Ask yourself how not-forgiving is keeping you safe and listen to your truth without minimizing or correcting your beliefs.

    3. Be present and feel where those beliefs are still active in your body,

    4. When you are ready (and only when you’re ready) releasing the energy that does not belong to you and reclaim what does using the process I wrote above.

    When we are willing to stop forcing ourselves to do what we ‘should’ do and actually listen to our truth in the moment, we expand our capacity for healing in ways we can’t even imagine.  Including forgiving the impossible.

  • Autoimmune & Coronavirus: Beating the Panic & Fear in All of Us

    Autoimmune & Coronavirus: Beating the Panic & Fear in All of Us

    EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

    “The problem is not the existence of stressors, which cannot be avoided; stress is simply the brain’s way of signaling that something is important. The problem—or perhaps the opportunity—is how we respond to this stress.” ~The Book of Joy

    For the past few weeks, I took pride in being able to keep fear at a distance.

    My motto was “Don’t let the fear in. The fear makes you a vulnerable host to coronavirus.”

    Since I have Crohn’s disease, an autoimmune condition, I know about stress and how it harms my immune system. Stress steals energy from the necessary functions my body performs to keep me alive. Fear adds stress to the body.

    As I drove up to the parking lot of my favorite grocery store, people were gathered outside—and the store wasn’t open, yet. My sensitive nervous system scanned the environment and registered that something was wrong.

    This wasn’t normal. I came here daily, and I had never seen this before.

    People weren’t talking, they weren’t smiling, and they gripped the handles of shopping carts like they were ready to claim a Black Friday deal.

    Approaching the store, I squeezed my way through to the last remaining shopping carts. People frowned at me as if I was trying to cut in line. I smiled from behind my face mask, hoping my eyes communicated that “I am here with you—not in competition with you.”

    As the door opened to the store, people stampeded in. It was like a race: ready, on your mark, get set—GO! People scattered across the store to retrieve items like their lives depended on them.

    Standing at the entrance in shock, I barely noticed the nice employee standing there. Smiling, he offered me a disinfectant wipe as if to say, “It is okay. We will keep you safe.” For a moment, his smile calmed my senses.

    As I made my way to the meat aisle, I felt my adrenaline surge. Will they have my ground meat? What if they don’t have my gluten-free staples? What will I eat with my restricted diet if they are out of my life sustaining products? What about prunes?

    In a brief second, I went from smiling at a kind man to fearing I would be unable to go to the bathroom and eventually starve to death. In the moment, this situation seemed more life-threatening than the Crohn’s disease I battled daily.

    My motto, “Don’t let the fear in,” was submerged in the chaos around me.

    After securing my groceries, minus some of my favorite items, I took a deep breath and made my way outside and to my car. Sitting in the car for a few minutes, I noticed my heart pounding and my hands were shaking.

    The fear and stress were already registering in my body as physical symptoms.

    “Oh no,” I said to myself. “My immune system is already compromised, and now I am stressing it even more. This is placing me at greater risk for illness!”

    Thump thump, my heart rate called for my attention.

    Noticing my heart rate, I felt warm and sweaty as I panicked about the panic.

    I was stressing about the stress.

    When I got home, as I opened my front door, I was greeted by my new kittens, Pawso and Samba. Just weeks ago, I was their foster mama and now I am their forever family. These kittens weren’t “my plan,” but they are teaching me to accept that life can have a plan of its own.

    I watched them pounce and tumble together. I could hear their purrs. Relaxing my tight grip on the front door, I observed them playing and acting as they normally do.

    My house was normal; it was safe. I had nothing to fear in this present moment.

    There are many times in my life I adapted to changes that didn’t go according to my plan.

    Coronavirus certainly isn’t to be compared to kitten adoption, but how I adapt to changes in my routine and monitor my stress levels are the same. Change always brings some degree of stress.

    I wouldn’t be human if fear didn’t affect me. As soon as I entered the grocery store, it filled my senses like the overflowing shopping carts.

    Just like coronavirus, fear is contagious too. But there is a difference. Only a percentage of us will contract coronavirus. Nearly everyone seems afflicted with fear.

    My history of trauma makes me primed for fear and stress. My body’s warning system is primed to react to any indication of danger in my environment. It doesn’t know the difference between a traumatic event that happened twenty years ago and a present trigger.

    Simple things like people gathered outside the grocery store, a deviation from the normal routine, triggered my body’s familiar response to trauma. To me, this was a traumatic event.

    As I settled back into my routine at home, I realized that even though fear and stress were around me, in the space of my own home and in the respite of my own body, I was in total control.

    The days that followed I developed a plan to feel empowered over coronavirus and fear.

    1. Make my priorities clear

    My plan is changing minute by minute, so I need to be flexible, but I am clear about my priorities.

    My health comes first, and during times of crisis, stress reduction is critical. Normal day-to-day stress can strain my immune system, but now stress levels are at their peak, so I must be more vigilant than ever with my self-care.

    Life as I know it is going to change.

    Today I must find my new normal and trust that I have adapted to a broad range of changes in my life—from new kittens to the potentially life-threatening diagnosis of Crohn’s disease.

    I am still here and alive to share about it.

    I have to forego some of my passions—ballroom dancing at the studio—but I can and will replace this with other passions.

    Maybe now is the time to rekindle some of my past passions, such as playing my piano.

    I need to make a plan. This includes taking extra supplements to boost my immune system and monitoring my overall health in conjunction with my healthcare team.

    2. Orient to my present surroundings

    When I returned from the grocery store, my stress level was elevated. As soon as I saw Pawso and Samba, I was reminded that I was not at the grocery store. I was home.

    Pawso and Samba instinctively know when there is danger. When I got home, they were playful and content.

    When I oriented myself to their clear demonstration that “It is safe, let’s play,” it brought me into the present moment. I, too, was safe.

    I learned at a young age to view my environment as unsafe

    My history of trauma naturally alerts me to the potentially scary things in my surroundings.

    My history of trauma doesn’t draw my attention to the safe cues around me.

    Knowing this, I have to be mindful and identify the things in my environment that are safe because this calms my body’s stress response.

    What we focus on changes how we feel.

    During my trip to the grocery store, I recalled only one indication of safety—the employee’s warm smile. There were other indicators of safety, but I was too stressed to notice. Instead I became a part of the shopping cart frenzy. In reality, all of us went home with enough food.

    Realigning with signs of safety is essential because when I focus on danger, this elevates my body’s stress response. This is not healthy for my already compromised immune system.

    3. Remember my resiliency

    Many of us with histories of autoimmune disease and trauma have already survived a lot. Our complex histories have taught us how to prioritize and adapt.

    These universal life skills can help us cope with change whether it is adjusting to two furry friends in the home or developing a plan to reduce coronavirus risks.

    Health crises like coronavirus are traumatic not only because of the real present threats but because they remind us of what we have already endured with past health crises.

    I don’t want to “go back there,” and cannot imagine having more symptoms “stacked” on my preexisting ones.

    The mere thought of hospitalization terrifies me, and I don’t want to die.

    I check in with my thoughts regularly.

    I try not to describe myself as “high-risk,” because I want to feel strong.

    I want mental immunity in addition to physical immunity.

    My thoughts have significant influence over my health.

    For some people, coronavirus has introduced new lifestyle restrictions. Living with autoimmune disease, I feel like my routine is mostly the same.

    I am always hypervigilant about washing my hands, wear a mask in crowded public places, and restrict my travel and social engagements during busy times like holidays. I have a balance of working from home and in the field.

    Taking precautions feels normal to me.  I don’t want any virus, regardless of origin.

    The biggest obstacle is my mind and my perceptions of what is going on around me. The fears I carry about the “what ifs” and the events I imagine might take place in the future can wreak havoc on my well-being—far worse than any day-to-day adjustments.

    My mind is my greatest inconvenience right now.

    4. Adhere to restrictions beyond sheltering at home

    I have to restrict my intake of the news and social media, because I am sensitive to the fear and stress. This is good self-care—a balance of being informed without getting overly focused on content that weakens my mental immunity.

    For me, just one hour of late-night television is enough exposure, because at the bottom of the screen I can see the scrolling updates about coronavirus.

    One to three social media check-ins per day and I get my dosage of updates on current events.

    Sometimes I have to tell my friends I don’t want to talk about the coronavirus and instead suggest we share memories and laugh. “Laughter is the best medicine” might be cliché, but laughing increases happy chemicals that result in a positive mood and greater well-being.

    5. Remember that social distancing doesn’t mean social isolation

    “No doctor can write a prescription for friendship and love.” ~Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.

    Our society has become increasingly disconnected as face-to-face communication is replaced with screens. We need human contact. It is necessary for survival. Right now, we need our social connections more than anything.

    Yesterday I walked outside and had a delightful conversation with my neighbor across the street. We may have been yelling, but there was no question we respected social distancing. It felt great to have human connection.

    I hold in my heart how much better I felt when I noticed the man smiling at me in the grocery store. It calmed me instantly.

    This is my focus—the healing power of relationships—the greatest boost we can offer to our immune systems.

    6. Be kind

    When we remember that we are all in this together, suddenly we focus our attention on the positive events taking place around us. This orients our brain and body to safety and calms our stress response.

    Making a difference is empowering. It reminds us how much influence we still have over our lives even when scary things are happening around us. Helping others has a positive effect on our immune systems.

    Now is the time to find creative ways to give back to our communities. For example, consider fostering for your local animal rescue organizations. Not only do animals offer stress relief, companionship, and the healing power of relationship, but they are one way to give back while sheltering at home.

    When I smile at the people in my community providing services to those of us sheltering at home and I say, “Thank you for your services,” I feel at peace because kindness reminds my body and mind what is most important.

    7. Find the sparkle in every situation

    Even though I have been mandated to stay home, I can see a sparkle of light that is always there if I open my eyes. Sitting at my desk, I look around…

    Among the confines of these walls from which I am told I should not venture far, is the home that I helped build. This home is a reflection of my values, my beliefs, and is abundant with intangibles to comfort me.

    My home is abundant with love from my family and pets and offers me a sanctuary to be my true and uninhibited self. In my home, I have the space to truly be with me.

    This is the only moment in my lifetime where I have been given permission to stay home, take care of myself, and am not asked to give reasons why. This is the only moment in my life where my health and safety have been deemed most important by the entire world.

    Maybe I needed a mandate to stay home and notice that I am exactly where I always wished I could be—and here I am.

  • To My Wonderful Friends and Family

    To My Wonderful Friends and Family

  • If You’re Feeling Drained, Empty, and Lonely

    If You’re Feeling Drained, Empty, and Lonely

  • How I’m Finding Hope in the Pandemic

    How I’m Finding Hope in the Pandemic

    EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

    “We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

    It’s hard to believe the state of the world we are in. It feels like 2020 has become the plot of an apocalyptic movie.

    A microscopic virus invades planet earth targeting human beings. As mass numbers of human beings retreat indoors, wildlife begins to flourish. Slowly, continent by continent, the human bacteria is eliminated. Only the strongest of the species survive and mutate, creating a new breed of homo sapiens. Finally, planet earth can breathe.

    Who would have ever thought that something like this would stop the world in its tracks? (Well, Bill Gates, apparently.)

    I’m ashamed to admit that my weekly screen-time phone report was up 73% last week, and I highly doubt I was the only one. Anytime I reached for my phone, I was pulled down a rabbit hole of news reports with terrifying headlines, live videos around the world, reading new laws, catching up with hundreds of WhatsApp and Facebook messages. I could not concentrate on anything for longer than a second, and my regular meditation routine was thrown out the window.

    Anxiety is a beast, and it’s been thriving in this type of environment. My little anxious dog-brain is running around in circles with all sorts of horrible scenarios.

    I had the next six months of my life meticulously planned and lined up so perfectly: completing my placement at the hospital, working part-time, graduating from school, getting married in Canada. But everything seems to be floating now, held in the air, and I’m just waiting for the pieces to drop.

    There are people I know who have it so much worse. They’ve lost their jobs, are forced to move out of their homes because they can’t pay rent.

    Not to mention the people who are actually sick with Coronavirus, how terrifying that it might be. Living in make-shift hospital tents, being tended to by nurses in hazmat suits, their families praying they will make it out alive. Or those who are dying of something else entirely and can’t have visitors to say goodbye on their last days alive.

    The repercussions of this are far-reaching and heartbreaking. It’s been devastating for so many of us, and my heart feels a culmination of pain from everywhere.

    However, amongst all the pain and chaos, there is a silver lining: we are all united. We are literally all in this together, whether you live in a small village of Afghanistan or in an upscale neighborhood in California. The entire world is working together to help each other, to fix this mess.

    The power of love and community can be seen with touching videos of people singing to each other on their balconies and rooftops in Italy. Or people leaving messages in my mailbox letting me know that they can pick up groceries, or medication if I’m sick.

    The virus knows no status, no religion, no ethnicity. Under this, we are all equal, we are all just human; fragile and mortal little creatures.

    When faced with a pandemic, we get to see the meaninglessness of so many things in our lives. The superficial fancy clothes and expensive cars, what does that give you, ultimately? How much importance does that have right now? Or the planning and planning and saving for ‘later’ when what if there is no later? The working in jobs we hate, with people who infuriate us because we’re too afraid of change, or too afraid to fail?

    It is a highly stressful and volatile time, there is no doubt about that. I am not going to sit here and tell you how you need to remain positive and grateful and blah blah blah. Feel whatever you feel, allow it to run its course. It’s absolutely normal to feel powerless and afraid, and you are certainly not alone. In fact, you could not be less alone in your state of mind right about now.

    But it’s also important to remember that human beings are resilient little creatures—that means you. Yes, you reading this right now. You are a resilient being and this is going to make you stronger.

    Imagine the creativity that will emerge during this time of quarantine? Imagine the art, the songs, the writing, the stories, the incredible ingenuity that will be born from this time?

    We are resilient beings and our minds can run far and wide. We might feel the fear and anxiety, but we can also feel creativity and compassion. This is a time for humans to reanalyze the world we live in. To take a break from the rat race that is society and find something authentic and true within ourselves.

    The story of humanity will not end with us being annihilated by the coronavirus, we will overcome. But maybe, and hopefully, what will die out is an old stale form of society.

    Perhaps this is an opportunity for humankind to make a more sustainable world, not only for the planet but for us humans too.

    Maybe it’s a sneak peak of a world where we’re not just another cog in the wheel of a giant corporate machine, but a place where we can bring our true humanity, our innate gifts. This virus has forced to reconsider everything, and the leaders of our worlds are struggling to handle it all. This is precisely where change happens.

    Every day is a new day and in today’s world, we cannot predict what will happen in an hour, let alone tomorrow. Now is the time to rest and incubate your mind, allowing it to bask in its own creative juices. It’s a time of unprecedented change. Allow that resilience and creativity that is innate in you to spread.

    The world is waiting.

  • Good Things Can Still Happen in the Midst of Chaos

    Good Things Can Still Happen in the Midst of Chaos

  • How Being in a Toxic Relationship Changed My Life for the Better

    How Being in a Toxic Relationship Changed My Life for the Better

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

    My ex and I split up about five years ago. We had been married for seventeen years, and after that long, I figured we were home free, as far as lasting marriages go. Needless to say, when it happened, I was devastated. Over all those years of being a couple, I had lost a big part of myself. Without that relationship, who was I anymore?

    I was terrified of being alone, which led me to start exploring the dating world much too soon.

    I dated a really nice guy that I just wasn’t into and we became friends. I dated a guy (once) that freaked me out and taught me never to get in a car with a stranger. I dated a guy that ghosted me. Finally, I dated a guy that I thought was my soul mate. He nearly ruined my life.

    When I met him, I wasn’t all that into him. He seemed too quiet for me, but he was cute and after a few dates, I started to really like him. We were both mid-divorce, and we had a lot in common. We could talk for hours. He was thoughtful and offered his time and affection freely.

    After a couple months, he changed. He became very quiet and contemplative, and the conversation waned. He was always lacking in energy and never wanted to go out and do anything fun, which was totally the opposite of me. In a healthier mental state, maybe I would have seen the red flags.

    We connected on a deeper level though, when he did talk. We were both in search of meaning in our lives. We were both trying to make sense of it all. I felt like we had this deep bond unlike anything I had experienced in a partner before. We both struggled with depression and with finding our places in this new life after divorce.   

    I needed someone to fill the hole that my ex-husband had left, and I wanted connection so badly. People told me I had to learn to be alone and get to know myself again first, but I didn’t want to hear that. The only thing I wanted was to feel whole again, and at the time whole meant being with someone. 

    As he grew distant, I tried harder and harder to get attention and affection from him. And, of course, the more I tried to get the affection, love, and attention I so desperately wanted, the more he pulled away.

    I felt like I was drowning in a rushing river, trying desperately to grasp onto something—anything—that would help me fill the void left by my failed marriage. I wanted him to treat me like he loved and cared for me, and he was just not willing to do that, or maybe he just wasn’t capable.

    The constant fishing for him to say the words I wanted to hear and to make me feel how I wanted to feel was exhausting and unbearably frustrating. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so selfish when I was giving so much.

    We’d been together for about five or six months when he started having debilitating anxiety accompanied by suicidal thoughts. One night, when he was afraid to be alone, I rearranged my schedule with my kids so I could stay with him to make sure he was okay. He ended up feeling like he needed hospitalization to stay safe.

    I stayed by his side the entire time, and when he was admitted to the inpatient program, I visited him every day, without fail. I rearranged my days so I could be there for him. I was practically existing to be needed by him.

    As he was preparing to be released from inpatient, he was afraid to be alone in case his anxiety worsened and he started having suicidal thoughts again. He asked if he could stay with me, which was tricky since I have two kids who were going through this difficult time of divorce as well. It wasn’t ideal, but in my state of needing to be needed, I was ready to help him however I could—whatever it took.

    His parents ended up coming to stay with him, so that measure wasn’t necessary, but it also meant he didn’t need me anymore.

    All of his attention was focused inward and on getting better, and not at all toward me or showing any appreciation for the sacrifices I was making for him. Let’s be clear—this is how it should have been, and I know that he absolutely needed to take care of himself, but it made me crazy.

    I wanted him to love me like I (thought) I loved him. I just couldn’t see that he was not in a place where he could really love anyone. That hole I was trying to fill just kept getting wider and deeper.

    When he was hospitalized, it almost normalized the experience for me. He got a break from life for a few days and I basically dropped my life to save his.

    Maybe he’d do the same thing for me, and maybe he’d finally give me the attention I craved. Maybe, just maybe, I could start to fill in that big hole in my heart. This was, of course, a subconscious line of thinking at the time, but in hindsight, I can see that I was grasping for any shred of validation from him that I was worthy of his love. 

    I was severely depressed. I had thrown myself so hard into this relationship, and I wasn’t getting anything back. I ended up being hospitalized too because of the depression, pain, and hopelessness I was feeling.

    He spent a little time being supportive, but he didn’t drop everything to be there for me like I did when he needed me. He only came and visited me once.

    I had never felt so alone in my life.

    The relationship had grown to be so dysfunctional that I had lost any shred of sanity that I had left. Looking back, it feels a little embarrassing that I stayed in this place when everyone I knew told me to get out. I wanted the relationship to work—at any cost.

    He broke up with me right before Christmas that year, which was also completely devastating to me.  I didn’t take it well, and I hated him for it.

    To make matters worse, in the new year, he texted me to tell me that he missed me. We started hanging out again and maintained a “friends with benefits” kind of relationship. How dumb could I be?? 

    Again, I was there whenever he needed me, at great cost to my own well-being. I held on to this shred of hope that maybe things would work out. Somehow, someday.

    His depression and anxiety eventually flared up again, and he took some time to go to North Carolina to stay with his parents for a month while he attended a partial hospitalization program.

    We stayed in contact the whole time, and toward the end of his stay there, he talked about how he was starting to feel like we should get back together. I was still in heart hole-filling mode, so in my mind, it was like things were finally coming together—this was why I had stuck it out so long, after all, right?

    When he came home from North Carolina, we didn’t really talk about “being back together,” but it sure felt that way. It finally felt nice—like I had wished for, for so long.

    And then one day, everything changed.

    I invited some friends over for my birthday, and he was supposed to help me with the food, but he was late. Really late. I tried calling him multiple times with no answer. As I hung out with my friends and tried to make fun conversation and pretend nothing was wrong, I felt hurt, unimportant, unworthy, and small. When he finally did show up, something was odd about him. When he left that night, I went to kiss him, it felt forced and awkward.

    Later that week, when I pressed him on it, he told me he was on a date with the woman he knew would be his future wife.

    After one date we were over. Like a switch flipped.

    After one date, he was exclusively dating another woman whom he would marry someday, and he didn’t even apologize, explain, or get how crappy all of it was. 

    I was so angry, but I was also blindsided, hurt, and I felt like an idiot. I had given so much of myself for him, and he treated me terribly and without care. The rest of the details aren’t necessarily important, but in the end, I told him to f* off and that I didn’t ever want to see or talk to him again.

    All of my hurt was finally starting to turn into something useful—anger and self-respect.

    I think I needed anger to leave that relationship behind and realize how much better off I was going to be without him.

    I didn’t really start to heal from the pain of my divorce until after this moment, and I didn’t really date for a while after that.

    I reconnected with friends I saw much less of when I was dating him. I reconnected with myself. I learned how to be alone, and how to appreciate that time.

    I learned what I want and need in a relationship.

    Most of all though, I learned that I am worthy of love and I deserve someone who wants to give back. I learned that I shouldn’t settle for less than someone that wants to be an equal partner in my life.

    Despite how horrible that time was, I am so grateful for the experience because of  how much I learned about myself and grew during that time.   

    We were just two people who were struggling with where we were in life. We weren’t right for each other, but we were put in each other’s path to teach each other something.

    He ended up getting married to the woman he was with when he was late to my birthday party, and I am so thankful that she ended up as his wife and not me.

    I like to believe that he really is a good person that was just going through a tough time when he met me. I do wish him the best. We all deserve that, right? I could even go so far as to thank him for the things he helped me learn.

    The lessons that came out of this very painful experience are many, and I want to summarize them so that you, too, can learn from my mistakes. I hope you find these helpful.

    You Are Absolutely Worthy of All the Love

    You deserve the world, even if you have to give it to yourself. It doesn’t matter who you are, you deserve love. Yes, you. And if you are with someone who doesn’t love you like you deserve to be loved, you should look elsewhere, or even better, within.

    Move on. For real.

    Figure Out How to Love Yourself First

    It’s been said that you can’t really love anyone until you learn to love yourself. I don’t think you can really truly accept and feel love until you learn to love yourself first, either.

    What’s more, when you learn to love yourself, you don’t need another person to fill any emotional holes. You are already whole all on your own. The love you find when you are whole is a different kind of love, and it’s beautiful.

    How do you learn to love yourself? Start by simply being with yourself. Fill the hole with your own care and attention. This will lead to respecting yourself, which in time will lead to valuing yourself.

    You Have Value as a Person

    Part of your journey in life is seeing that you are worth making the trip. It might be hard to see, but you most definitely are.

    If you are with someone that can’t see how valuable you are, you’re with the wrong person. You have unique talents. You are beautiful, and you are amazing. There is someone out there that will see it. But you have to believe it, too.

    Every Experience in Your Life Has Something to Teach You

    I bet if you look at all of the challenging experiences in your life, you can find at least one thing you learned from each. If you don’t agree with me, I can almost guarantee that you’re not trying hard enough.

    It’s through challenges that we grow. If I hadn’t had this difficult experience, it wouldn’t have led me to my current partner, who loves me and supports me more than I could have ever dreamed of. I learned so much about relationships, and myself, that I wouldn’t have otherwise learned, and who knows, I might not have been ready to meet the love of my life.

    Letting Go Can Be a Beautiful Thing

    Letting go is hard.

    We want what we want, and it takes a lot of trust to walk away from a sure thing when you don’t know what the future will hold.

    It’s hard to accept that sometimes what we want isn’t the best thing for us. But you have to trust that by letting go you’ll open up to better things.

    And sometimes the best thing for you is to simply to live without a person who isn’t good for you.

  • The Only Thing You Can Do

    The Only Thing You Can Do

  • Once the Storm Is Over

    Once the Storm Is Over

  • Don’t Let Social Distance Lead to Emotional Distance

    Don’t Let Social Distance Lead to Emotional Distance

  • Do What You Can

    Do What You Can

  • 14-Day Meditation Challenge: Put Down Your Phone and Be

    14-Day Meditation Challenge: Put Down Your Phone and Be

    EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

    “Meditation is the ultimate mobile device; you can use it anywhere, anytime, unobtrusively.” ~Sharon Salzberg

    I came home from my doctor’s appointment last week and rambled off three to four different things that were happening in the world as a result of the coronavirus. By the fourth item my wife asked me to stop. She said please tell me something good.

    I told her that my doctor said my pathology report came back negative. That the procedure on my neck had removed all cancerous cells. (A very good thing!) We shared a hug and a smile, and then I was back on my phone looking to see if anything else had changed in the world.

    If you’re anything like me, you’ve been glued to your phone the past couple of weeks, mesmerized by what’s going on. I’ve been swiping right (to get to the news) thirty to forty times per day, probably more, and it’s been making me crazy.

    Many of us are now in isolation from a virus that is changing the world as we know it at incredible speed. That’s why I think it’s important to spend less time on our phones. 

    Yep, you heard me correct. Less time. Even if it’s just ten minutes less per day.

    Now more than ever it’s important to spend time doing something that’s grounded in reality rather than fear and panic. I’m not saying that what’s happening isn’t real, it’s very real, but a lot of us are getting over amplified by the ridiculous amount of information at our fingertips, and it’s taking us to a place of stress and anxiety.

    That’s why I want to challenge everyone to fourteen days of meditation. Because meditation is grounded in reality.

    It’s just breathing. Breathing in and out like the waves of the ocean.

    It’s you experiencing your thoughts for what they are—just thoughts—and then coming back to your breath. It’s you taking a break from the craziness of what’s going on and getting centered.

    I present this challenge to you gently because I know a lot of us have been affected in one way or another. Heck, I just found out that a job I was supposed to start today has been pushed back for a month and a half. That’s money that my family was counting on.

    I can get angry and I can scream and shout, but what good is that going to do me.? It is what it is. Instead, I can meditate. However scary it may be out there, we all have this beautiful opportunity to check in with ourselves and rise.

    I’m not saying don’t inform yourself, but at the same time you don’t need to be glued to your phone. We have to remember to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first. Then others. Hence this challenge.

    Take this time for you. Ten minutes a day.

    Put down your phone. Don’t swipe right and get sucked up into the news like I’ve been doing. Don’t turn on the TV and check out for an hour or two. Use this time, which we all have, to check in with yourself.

    And who knows? Fourteen days might lead to a long-term habit—one that will make you a better person and make those around you better.

    Imagine a world where all of us do this. Where we ground ourselves in reality, checking in with our bodies, and we breathe and let our bodies send safety messages to our minds rather than our minds hijacking our bodies with fear. This is the vision that kept me up most of last night.

    Meditate and let your body remind you that everything is okay. Breathe in and breathe out knowing that right here, right now, just for this moment, everything is okay.

    Remember, we are full organisms. Everything that we are thinking and think we are feeling has an associated physiological response. Sit with the knowing that despite whatever your mind is trying to tell you or whatever life stresses are coming your way you are completely safe in this moment right here in your body.

    I’ve never asked this before but I’m asking it now. Please send this on to someone you know or share it on social media. I believe this is important to all of us right now.

    Take this challenge. Give yourself this gift.

  • Never Take the Little Things for Granted

    Never Take the Little Things for Granted

  • If You Think You Have to Be a People-Pleaser to Be Kind

    If You Think You Have to Be a People-Pleaser to Be Kind

    “I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” ~Plutarch

    People-pleasing can seem Iike a way of connecting with others. We believe that if we keep people happy, then they’ll like us and want us around. While it may be true that pleasing others will win us approval and a place in their lives, changing and editing ourselves can’t create the connection we long for.

    We confuse people-pleasing with kindness. After all, aren’t we, as people-pleasers, described as too nice? People-pleasing can be seen as giving of ourselves to put others first, but people-pleasing isn’t the kindest way to treat ourselves or the people around us.

    Honesty is Kinder than People-Pleasing

    My friend, Amy, would occasionally invite other people to join us without letting me know. I’d arrive at the park or the coffee shop and find myself unexpectedly part of a group.

    To Amy, this wasn’t a big deal. She was generous about introducing me to new people and for her it was genuinely the more the merrier. I, however, prefer one-on-one interactions to groups, and I really dislike being surprised in social settings.

    The thing is, she never knew it bothered me because I never told her. I was so worried about making sure she liked me that I pretended to be happy about these surprise additions to our outings. I told myself I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

    Unfortunately, the result was that I resented the other people and didn’t give them a fair chance to see if we might also become friends. It undermined my trust that Amy really saw me and valued my friendship. It reinforced my belief that I wasn’t good enough for someone to want to spend time with just me.

    When I wasn’t honest about how I felt, it wasn’t kind to anyone involved. I knew Amy to be a caring and thoughtful person. Most likely she would have been glad to let me know when she was extending additional invitations and to check in about what I wanted for a particular meet-up if only I’d been honest about how I felt.

    When we people-please, we say and do things that aren’t really true for us. We may accept an invitation that is inconvenient or agree to do a favor we resent doing. We might claim to want to eat at a certain restaurant or do a certain activity even though we’d actually prefer something else.

    We may keep our opinions and beliefs to ourselves unless we’re sure they line up with those of the person we’re trying to please. We might base our decisions—from what clothes we wear to what jokes we laugh at to what career we pursue—on what we think will win approval. We may hide how the other person’s actions are impacting us.

    None of these things are honest. We’re not being kind to others when we try to manipulate them into liking us instead of letting them really see us.

    We get tripped up because honesty can feel unkind if we think it will disappoint someone or make them unhappy. Of course, honesty can be used in an unkind way. People will say intentionally hurtful things and then justify their cruelty under the guise of honesty, but we can be honest with kindness.

    When we are honest in our relationships, we give others a true representation of who we are. We are clear about what we will and won’t do, what we do and don’t want. When we are honest we build trust with others that they can take us at our word and learn to see ourselves as a person who can be trusted.

    Presence is Kinder than People-Pleasing

    When I spent time with Amy, I worried a lot. I watched to see how many cookies she ate before helping myself to another. I worried about whether she was offering tea just to be nice or whether she’d actually be disappointed if I didn’t want to try the new blend she’d been sent as a gift.

    I avoided conversation topics where I wasn’t sure we’d agree. I was cautious when answering her questions about what I was up to. I’d offer only a glimpse and then try to gauge her levels of interest and approval before sharing the next little bit.

    The thing is, I wasn’t able to relax and just enjoy spending time together. It was obvious to her that I was trying to do things the way I thought she wanted me to. She tried to reassure me that it was okay to be myself, which was embarrassing for both of us.

    I appreciated Amy’s ability to ask thoughtful questions and how encouraging she was about anything I did share with her. The main things I remember about the time we spent together, however, don’t tell me much about who she is. I remember more about what I said and did because my focus kept turning to how I was measuring up.

    When we engage in people-pleasing behaviors, we watch the people we hope to please for cues about what they want and need and who they expect us to be. It can seem like we’re being very present with them because we’re paying such close attention.

    Too often, however, our attention is strategic—we’re using it to meet our own ends instead of really engaging with them as people. We watch for how each thing we do or say is received and use that data to continually adjust ourselves to be more pleasing.

    What if, instead, we approached our time with another person with curiosity—seeking to know them for the joy of knowing another human being? Curiosity requires presence—being open and welcoming to what is there instead of what we expect to find. One of the kindest things we can do for someone is to set aside our expectations and see them for who they are—and that includes ourselves.

    Trust is Kinder than People-Pleasing

    It didn’t matter how kind and encouraging I believed Amy to be, I didn’t trust that she would want to be my friend if I ever let her really see me. I didn’t trust that relationships could survive disappointments, differences, or disagreements. I struggled to believe that anyone really wanted to know me and that I would deserve their friendship if they did.

    When I didn’t trust that Amy would want to be my friend unless I went out of my way to please her and I didn’t trust that I was worthy of her friendship, it made for an uneven relationship. I saw her as better than me and was trying to control her perception of me so I could keep a place in her life. Our interactions were based on my striving to please instead of on two humans seeing and supporting each other.

    People-pleasing is characterized by a lack of trust. We people-please because we don’t trust that we are good enough to be wanted just as we are. We don’t trust others to see the value in us and treat us well unless we always give them what they want or stay within the parameters of who they expect us to be.

    A kinder approach is to cultivate trust. As we unhook from people-pleasing, we build trust in ourselves. We develop trust that we can meet our own needs and that we can express our preferences with kindness. We learn to trust that we will be okay if not everyone likes us and that there are new opportunities even after disappointment.

    There is also kindness in trusting others. When we choose to trust someone, we give them a chance to see and support us. We open up the possibility for a mutual relationship.

    Trust others and trust yourself to build a relationship that is genuine and satisfying for you both. Some relationships will not survive if we cease people-pleasing, but those relationships were not built on true kindness to either person. Invest in relationships that are based on kindness instead of control—where you can know and be known.

    Consider your closest relationships. Are they a space where you are honest, present, and trusting? If not, what gets in the way? How can you bring a little more honesty, presence, and trust into your relationships this week?

  • All Great Changes

    All Great Changes

  • Stressed and Anxious? Here’s How to Stay Emotionally Healthy

    Stressed and Anxious? Here’s How to Stay Emotionally Healthy

    EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

    “Health is not just about what you’re eating. It’s also about what you’re thinking and saying.”

    A virus is spreading across the globe. Schools are shut down. People are out of work. Grocery stores are empty.

    Weddings, graduations, vacations, a day in court—canceled.

    This is the ultimate test in emotional resilience.

    Uncertainty is one of the main reasons we stress, along with a lack of control, and right now we’ve got it in truckloads. I’ve spent the last decade building my mental and emotional resilience to stress and adversity, and yet fighting off the anxiety is still a challenge.

    I’m putting all the tools in my toolbox to good use.

    And they are working. So I want to share these tools with you.

    1. Talk to someone, but limit the bitching.

    It can be cathartic to share with others the fear, panic, and challenges we’re experiencing. It makes us feel not alone. It validates our feelings and makes us feel connected. So talk to someone about what is stressing you out right now.

    But set a time limit to focus on the negative. Maybe ten or twenty minutes each to share. Then it’s time to change the conversation.

    Here are some cues:

    • What is going right?
    • What are you proud of yourself for?
    • What are you grateful for?
    • What are you looking forward to?
    • Despite the hardships, how are you coping?
    • How can you encourage and praise your friend?

    When we only focus on the negative, we forget what is going well and then all we can see is the bad.

    I also find it incredibly helpful to notice how differently my body feels when I’m complaining, angry, and blaming than it does when I’m grateful and optimistic. One feels tight, hot, and heavy. The other feels lighter, looser, and freer.

    And as I listen to my husband, mother, or friends share their pain with me, I always make it a point when they are done to change the conversation and ask them what’s going good. I can hear the tone in their voice change as they bring their thoughts to the positive.

    2. Be generous.

    This doesn’t need to be a gift of money!

    It can be a roll of toilet paper. It can be an hour Facetiming your grandmother who is held up in her nursing home with no visitors right now. It can be offering to pick up and drop off groceries for a neighbor or making them a plate of enchiladas.

    I have a three-month-old and am blessed with an ample supply of breastmilk, so donating some of my freezer stash costs me nothing, but can mean so much for a needy mother and child right now.

    Generosity can even come in the form of well wishes or prayers for others dealing with difficult times.

    Giving is scientifically proven to be good for your emotional health.

    It activates regions of the brain “associated with pleasure, social connection, and trust, creating a ‘warm glow’ effect. It releases endorphins in the brain, producing the positive feeling known as the ‘helper’s high.’”

    Giving has been linked to the release of oxytocin, a hormone that induces feelings of warmth, euphoria, and connection to others.

    It’s been shown to decrease stress, which not only feels better, but lowers your blood pressure and other health problems caused by stress.

    What can you give right now?

    3. Take a mental break.

    It’s so easy to get stuck in mental go-mode all our waking hours. Especially since our brains crave being busy or entertained.

    Even when we rest, we flip through Facebook, watch TV, or daydream.

    These past few weeks I haven’t been making the time to take my mental breaks. I usually meditate daily, but with a baby who doesn’t yet have an eating and sleeping schedule, plus with all the extra stresses right now, I’ve not given my mind a break!

    So I could feel the anxiety creeping in. It started in the body. I felt the tension in my muscles. My jaw was tight. Breathing was shallow. And I was irritable!

    I know it’s time for a mental break when something as simple as my husband leaving another towel on the banister makes me want to file for divorce. (Or end up on an episode of Dateline!)

    So I put my husband on baby duty, ran on the treadmill trying to focus on my breath and not my to-do list, took a shower, and brought my attention to the warm water instead of worry over how I will get clients. Then I meditated for fifteen minutes zoning in on my breath every time my thoughts turned to worry over daycare and the coronavirus.

    I felt like I’d washed my brain. The tension was gone, my mind was clear, and I no longer wanted to strangle my husband.

    From our anxious place, we catastrophize as we spin out in our negativity bias. All we can see is the negative.

    We need these mental breaks to create space from these ruminating thoughts. We need to hit the reset button.

    A mental break is taking anywhere from thirty seconds to thirty minutes to consciously turn our attention inward, away from outside influence, as well as our flow of thoughts.

    We can’t stop the flow of thoughts, but we can notice when they’ve taken our attention, and purposefully redirect that attention to something in the present moment like the breath, a mantra or sound, or a visualization.

    Here are a few ways to take that mental break:

    • Breathwork
    • Meditation
    • Time in nature
    • Walking, exercise, or dancing
    • Practicing mindfulness
    • Listening to music

    Simple mental break breathing:

    • Start with a re-calibrating big, big inhale, hold it, and breathe out all the way.
    • Now breathe in slowly to the count of four, then hold for a second.
    • When you hold, hear the silence between the breaths.
    • Then breathe out to the count of four and hold for a second at the bottom.
    • When you hold, feel your mind clearing as you listen for the space between inhale and exhale.
    • Repeat until you feel relaxed.

    4. Allow all the feels.

    This stress and anxiety feel terrible. And it can be hard to muster up the strength and will to try out some of the items on this list to make yourself feel better.

    That’s okay.

    But what tends to happen is we want to run from the discomfort, try to suppress it with distraction like TV or social media, or numb it with wine, food, or drugs.

    It’s normal to want to avoid pain. We’re naturally geared to avoid it. However, when we block this pain from flowing, when we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, they get stuck.

    Emotions are energy in motion. If you stop they, they just bottle up. They don’t disappear.

    Try this exercise to allow your emotions to flow:

    • Take a moment to close your eyes and sit in a quiet space or block out distraction as best you can.
    • Take a deep breath in and slowly breathe out.
    • Notice the physical feelings of stress. Where are you holding it in your body? What does it feel like?
    • On your next exhale, release as much tension as you can.
    • Repeat:
      • “I am allowing these feelings to be present.”
      • “I let these feelings flow through me.”
      • “These feelings are causing me no harm.”
    • Now scan your body starting from your head, jaw and neck. Shoulders and hips. Down your legs and feet. Release any tension you find along the way.

    Once you’ve allowed these feelings to exist and flow, the following tool is a fantastic next step toward emotional health.

    5. Express gratitude.

    We humans have a natural negativity bias. It’s a mechanism in place designed with the intention of keeping us safe.

    Being on the lookout for danger, in theory, might be a better tactic to keep us alive than ignoring any signs of danger for the sake of focusing on pleasantries. Like being on alert for a mountain lion instead of enjoying a bed of flowers.

    But 99% of the time, or more, our lives are not in imminent danger. Yet the negativity bias remains.

    As it turns out, much like generosity, gratitude is also scientifically proven to be good for our emotional health.

    It’s shown that people who express gratitude are more optimistic and feel better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercise more and have fewer visits to physicians than those who focus on sources of aggravation.

    In some studies, it’s also shown people immediately exhibiting a huge increase in happiness scores, as well as improved relationships.

    Here are some ways to express gratitude:

    • Write a thank-you note or email
    • Thank someone mentally
    • Try a gratitude journal
    • Pray or meditate on something you are grateful for

    6. Ask for help if you need it.

    I am so proud of our communities coming together, staying home, helping each other out. If there is something you need, there are whole groups of people ready and willing to help a stranger out. I see it all day on my Facebook feed, people offering up formula or diapers, services to drop off food, or offering homeschooling tools and advice.

    Thankfully, this pandemic has come during a time of advanced technological capabilities, allowing us all to connect digitally.

    Doctors, teachers and coaches are now available online. From the comfort of your socially distant home, you can find help right at your fingertips.

    Ask. It doesn’t make you look weak. You aren’t impositioning anyone. People inherently like to be helpful.

    Especially if you need help dealing with the anxiety of our current situation. We don’t make good decisions coming from a place of fear. Now more than ever it is essential to have emotional resiliency to get through this tough time and come out the other end whole and ready to move forward.

    We’ll get through this. Together, even though we’re physically apart. Wishing you much love, luck, and light on your journey.

  • Your Final Destination

    Your Final Destination

  • My Stay-at-Home To-Do List

    My Stay-at-Home To-Do List

  • Trauma Can Make Us Sick: How I Found a Key to Healing

    Trauma Can Make Us Sick: How I Found a Key to Healing

    “Our bodies contain our histories—every chapter, line, and verse of every event and relationship in our lives.” ~Caroline Myss

    I could hear my teacher talking, but I wasn’t listening. Staring at the math homework in front of me, I couldn’t get the sound of my heartbeat out of my head.

    Two times two equals, thump thump, equals thump thump, four.

    The more I focused on my heartbeat, the louder it became. I could even feel beating in my chest.

    Noticing the clock, I had ten more minutes before my mom would meet me in the school office. We had a meeting scheduled with the school nurse. I dreaded it.

    Was I in trouble?

    If so, then why was I meeting the nurse and not the principal? Besides, I was an A+ student. I never got in trouble.

    At the sound of the bell, I made my way reluctantly to the office. As planned, Mom was there. The school nurse, a small woman with a huge smile, met the both of us.

    “Come in,” she said, as she motioned in the direction of her door.

    I looked over at my mom and she looked at me, shrugging her shoulders. We were both clueless about the purpose of this meeting.

    “Uh huh,” clearing her throat, Nurse Smith broke the ice…

    “Let’s get to it. Casey, you are too thin. It concerns me.”

    Looking at my mom, she said, “Mom, do you know why Casey is losing so much weight?”

    My mom quickly described our diet and how she prepared meals for me, “balanced and complete.”

    “Is Casey seeing a doctor?” Nurse Smith followed up.

    My mom, in an agitated voice said, “When necessary we go to our family physician.”

    Looking at me intently, Nurse Smith patted me on the shoulder,

    “Okay, Casey, you eat more of your mom’s good cooking and get some weight on you. I don’t want to see you back in my office until you fill out a bit.”

    This was one of many incidents where people, including professionals, noticed something physical about me, made assumptions, but never asked me about my experience.

    No one asked me about my perceptions of my weight.

    Did I notice changes in the way my pants fit?

    Did I notice changes in my desire to eat?

    Instead, a band-aid approach—eat my mom’s great food—was recommended, and I was sent on my way.

    It was assumed that if I ate more, my weight would increase.

    Was eating more also the solution for my fast heartbeat?

    Apparently not.

    Months later, during a physical education drill, my teacher confirmed my rapid heartbeat. My teacher was not only concerned, but I was banned from taking physical education classes until my heartbeat was “normal.”

    Saddened that I couldn’t take a class that I really enjoyed, no one, including my physicians, offered me any solutions. After wearing heart monitors and complying with many tests, I was diagnosed with tachycardia. This is a medical term, or as I like to call it, a fancy name for not knowing the cause for elevated heartbeat.

    The Importance of our Thoughts, Feelings, and Perceptions

    I went through most of my young adult years being diagnosed with a number of conditions based on my physical symptoms and observations of my outward appearance.

    No one inquired about my internal environment—my thoughts, feelings, beliefs.

    No one asked me about my life either.

    What was it like for me at home?

    What kind of relationship did I have with my parents?

    Did I experience any stress, or even understand the meaning of stress?

    Did I feel safe and cared for physically and emotionally?

    Needless to say, my mom’s excellent cooking didn’t make me gain weight. I continued to lose weight. My heartbeat continued racing too.

    It wasn’t until my mom took me to see a psychologist that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. The real reason I was losing weight: I was very ill.

    It was during therapy sessions that the psychologist pointed out I would not gain weight or begin to repair my relationship with food until the conflict between my parents remitted.

    She was absolutely right.

    The psychologist made a connection between my weight loss and conflict in my home.

    The focus wasn’t on my diet as the cause. The focus was on the emotional turmoil in my life.

    This was the first time anyone connected my physical symptoms to stress in my environment.

    Trauma Can Make Us Sick

    At the time of my weight loss and rapid heartbeat, my parents were going through a tumultuous, and by my view, traumatic divorce. Conflict was normal in my home, and I was a classic “child the middle of this conflict.”

    As my parents argued over their lost relationship and years of service to each other, I was lost in the midst of their problems.

    Divorce is one of many traumatic events people can experience.

    Any event perceived as threatening, disempowering, helpless, or out of control is a trauma.

    Trauma contributes to physical symptoms in the body.

    In other words, one of my traumas—my parents’ divorce– made me sick.

    After years of therapy, I came to understand that anxiety is a mental health condition. Anxiety can present with many symptoms, one of which is tachycardia, or a rapid heartbeat.

    I was relieved. Suddenly the reasons for my rapid heartbeat made sense!

    Animal Instincts Keep Us Safe But Can Make Us Sick

    When a person’s perception of safety is threatened, the body goes into a natural response called fight-or-flight. Like an animal in the wild who is about to become prey for another, the body mobilizes a response to react and protect.

    People who live in traumatic environments experience threats frequently. Just because we aren’t going to really be eaten, the body doesn’t know the difference, and it mobilizes to save us just the same. Increased heart rate is a side effect.

    I did not perceive my home as safe. The conflict between my parents was traumatic. My body didn’t know the difference between an animal getting ready to eat me or any other threat.

    When my parents argued, my body mobilized a fight-or-flight response, which caused my heart rate to increase. Anxiety, living on edge, and fearing for what was going to happen next, became a way of living for me—even when my parents weren’t arguing. This explains why my heart rate was elevated even while I was at school doing something I enjoyed.

    Making Connections That Help Us Heal

    I am grateful I saw a psychologist at such a young age. She planted the seed for bringing my awareness to connections between illness and trauma.

    However, for decades following these sessions, no one else made these connections, and gradually I forgot about how intertwined our physical symptoms are to our histories of trauma and stress.

    It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, an autoimmune inflammatory bowel disease, that I was compelled to go back through my life and connect the dots in hopes I would find answers to aid in my healing.

    Sure enough, I didn’t have to look very far to discover physical symptoms that were preceded by a traumatic event in my life.

    Empowered by this information, I knew I had found the answers to my healing.

    My only task was to find a professional: a physician, healer, or licensed mental health therapist who could help me integrate my life with my symptoms.

    Once there is an awareness of the connections between illness and trauma, it is possible to find resources.

    Functional medicine physicians, somatic therapies, alternative modalities, and sensorimotor psychotherapists are just several of many options which look at healing as integrative.

    You Are an Expert on Your Body

    I have explored many therapies and I continue to improve. However, I believe healing is a lifelong process. I have to be continuously aware of how sensitive my body is to stress. After all, it had a lifetime of programming to be geared for fight-or-flight.

    When stress is in my life, my body will often have physical symptoms. Sometimes simple interactions with colleagues are enough to trigger my body’s threat response.

    Living with Crohn’s disease has many challenges. True healing began when I recognized that my past history of childhood trauma laid a foundation for disease in my body and continues to contribute to how the Crohn’s Disease shows up.

    Now that I have this awareness, the possibilities for healing are exponential. The more I support my body in healing from trauma, the more my physical symptoms improve and the stronger my immune system becomes.

    Needless to say, it isn’t an easy journey. But never lose hope.

    Even though conventional medical models continue to separate physical from emotional, solutions are plentiful. This means that people like you and I must brave the terrain, making connections about our own bodies and lives and seeking treatments that offer this integration.

    In many ways, we have to educate our physicians and healers about these connections. As we are experts on our own bodies, we hold many answers to our own healing based on a lifetime of living with ourselves.

    No one knows you better than you know yourself.

  • 3 Approaches to the Coronavirus (and Which Is Smartest)

    3 Approaches to the Coronavirus (and Which Is Smartest)

    EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

    “Don’t try to calm the storm. Calm yourself. The storm will pass.” ~Buddha

    As we all now know, the coronavirus (COVID-19) has been spreading globally. It is a serious threat, less because of the raw numbers involved (as of March 22, 2020, there are less than 340,000 known infected cases with a global population of over 7 billion people), but more because the trajectory is dangerous, the spread is exponential, and the growth occurs very quickly.

    The virus contained would not have been that big of a deal. The virus spreading is a big deal. It is now clear the virus is spreading far and wide quickly.

    The main issue is that the hospitals in affected areas don’t have the capacity to treat the huge spike in coronavirus cases.

    We have already seen this in Italy: People are dying because there are not enough ventilators and other medical resources to keep them alive.

    Yogically, we are trained to make decisions from a place called “neutral mind.” There are three yogic mind centers: positive mind, negative mind, and neutral mind. Ideally, we activate and use all three minds, but the best decisions come from a place of neutrality. This neutrality helps maintain balance.

    Below is an overview of these three mind states and how they might influence your decisions relating to the coronavirus.

    The Negative (or Protective) Mind is given for survival. It is reactive, protective, and searches for potential danger. It is sensitive to pain, and it seeks to shield you from the forces that may disrupt or destroy.

    The negative mind might say:

    -I’m buying toilet paper, bottled water, face masks, surgical gloves, and rations for the next six months. I’m hiding all these rations and developing a plan to fend off my neighbors. If I hear that hospitals are short of face masks and surgical gloves, I’ll ignore it. I need to keep these things for the future. Things are probably going to get ugly—I need to take care of myself first and worry about my community later.

    -The virus is increasing in my area, so I’m going to leave and go outside the city to sit things out for a while. And if the new place gets too many cases of the virus, I’ll leave there too. My plan will be to stay a step ahead of the virus and leave whenever I notice the number of confirmed cases is getting high.

    -I’ll check the local and national news from the big mainstream sources every hour to get an update on the spread of the virus. I’ll update my Facebook feed each hour with whatever I learn. And I know if I add lots of exclamation marks, more people will read what I wrote, so I’ll make sure each post starts with READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

    -I know the virus can travel through the air, so I will stay indoors with the windows closed and the blinds down until the virus is contained. Despite the fact I have a private, enclosed backyard, I won’t use it or even look at it. You just never know…

    It is easy to see how our negative mind can spin out of control. The worldwide spread of the coronavirus is extremely serious. Panic and over-reactivity are not just counterproductive, they are potentially dangerous.

    Hoarding resources when others are in dire need may cost lives. Undermining government efforts for containment is dangerous and may cost lives. If free movement hasn’t been taken away in your area, it means you need to be even more diligent and responsible about your actions. Your poor judgment may cost lives.

    The Positive (or Expansive) Mind searches for pleasure, fulfillment and possibility in how you can utilize things in your experience. It is constructive, risk-taking and active.

    This mind might say:

    -Self-isolate/shelter-in-place means I can work from home. Apart from that, I can still go out and do my regular things.  I’ll try to rally my running group for a run and since most restaurants are closed, I’ll invite my friends over to my house for dinner. If I do this right, shelter-in-place can be a great socializing tool!

    -I feel 100% fine. There is no way I have the virus. And if I get the virus, then I get the virus. I’ll risk it. I’m healthy and young, so I’m going to carry on with my business as usual. Vulnerable people should stay in, but since I’m not in that category, I’m going to take a more relaxed attitude.

    -I don’t personally know anyone who has the virus. I understand it is an issue, but I don’t think I have it in my community or my social groups. And keeping our mental well-being is important too. I’m going to continue to hold my events until someone I know falls ill.

    In the environment of the coronavirus, the positive mind can be dangerous. It is important to understand the big picture and how your positive mind might actually endanger other people during this period. We are in the middle of a serious worldwide crisis battling an infectious disease. It is everyone’s job to get educated, accept the reality of the situation, and exercise personal responsibility. Lives are at stake.

    The Neutral (or Meditative) Mind is the mind that judges and assesses without attachment in relation to your own purpose and reality. The Neutral Mind observes the actions of both the Negative and Positive Mind and judges both in relation to your higher self. 

    In order to maintain balance, this is the mind we need to use when making decisions. The neutral mind might suggest:

    -I’m taking self-isolation seriously and not going out unless it is a mission-critical task. I’m keeping my immune system healthy, keeping a rhythm to my days, and staying as productive as possible. This too shall pass, but it might be months, not weeks.

    -I’m studying the virus growth trends but not obsessively. I want to stay informed, but I understand focusing on bad news I can’t control over an extended period of time is bad for my immune system. Instead, I’m exercising extreme self-care. I’m eating well. I’m making my environment comfortable and nurturing. I’m working out and staying connected with people who are close to me through video and calls. In fact, I’ve even reconnected with some people I haven’t spoken with in a while.

    I continue to be mindful of my news sources as I read about the virus. I’m not getting pulled into sensationalism by going to mainstream news sources to get an update on the coronavirus. That would be misguided. I’m triangulating sources between the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, World Health Organization, and my own county or country’s health organization to stay current on the spread of the virus.

    -When I get invited to do something by someone else, I remind them that I am staying in because I understand the gravity of the situation. I remind them:

    1. The fact they are “feeling fine” is irrelevant. The virus can pass asymptomatically (with no symptoms).
    2. The virus can live on surfaces in excess of seventy-two hours.
    3. The virus can pass through the air for over three hours.

    I understand that unless I’m extremely careful, I might start the day without the virus and end it with the virus because of someplace I went or something I touched.

    I don’t yell and scream at my friends who want to get together, but I help them understand the situation more clearly. And most importantly, I am staying in.

    -I understand the virus can pass through the air, but I’ve done my research carefully and I understand I can go outside, alone, and maintain appropriate distance from other people. I’ll try to use my own yard as much as possible, but if I exercise the right precautions, I understand I could take a walk outside while minimizing my risk.

    -I’m trying to find ways to be useful and of benefit during this period. Lots of people are struggling. I wonder if I can help them.

    -I’m realistic this virus has ushered in a new way of life. I’m focusing on how I can succeed and thrive in this new environment. I’m researching new ways to do business online, and I’m using this time to sharpen my skills. I’m not focusing on when we can get back to “business as usual” because I understand there no longer is business as usual. I’m staying open and alert for opportunities that are heading my way as a result of this new world we are in.

    —

    I write this because I’m observing a lot of chaotic thinking and everything that goes along with that. There seems to be a worldwide mix of the negative mind in overdrive and the positive mind in denial.

    The coronavirus also gives us a great opportunity to exercise more balanced thinking. Scientists predict more situations like this over the next decades from extreme weather and natural disasters, to widespread disease and epidemics. If we are going to survive and thrive in this new world we’ve created, we are going to need to learn to access, cultivate, and exercise our neutral mind.

    Thank you for reading this. Stay safe.