Tag: wisdom
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Surviving as an Empath During the Time of Coronavirus
EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.
“When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.” ~Fred Rogers
If you are a human on earth at the moment, you’re likely feeling the uncertainty and anxiety of living in the time of a pandemic. It’s not something we have seen before in our lifetime, so every step is a new one, and the end is unknown and nowhere in sight.
Everyone is coping in their own way. Some are fearful and anxious right now. Others insist on staying on the positive side. Still others are in denial and perhaps will feel the emotional effects later or when it hits their area. Or, more commonly it seems, we have some combination of all three at various times throughout the same day.
It’s all normal.
I have come to realize there is no right or wrong way to feel emotionally. Everyone is doing the best they can based on their own coping style.
As a recovering people-pleaser, I used to try to talk people out of their feelings, make them feel better by taking over responsibility for their emotions. Essentially, I had to fix them to make myself feel better.
This was my stress response. I picked up on the emotional energy in a room and tried to stabilize it. I am so glad I recognized this in myself, or I’m not sure how I would survive this time.
I realized the damage this did to me, and to my relationships. If I feared anger, I would walk on eggshells to prevent people from getting angry. If I took on someone’s anxiety, I had to do everything I could to help them so I could relax.
People have a right to be angry.
Everyone has the right to feel anxious.
It is not my job to judge how anyone reacts to life. It’s theirs.
It is my job to be a compassionate witness to their suffering and to my own suffering.
This is a hard lesson to learn when it almost cost me my health and my life. But during this time of the Coronavirus I am so grateful I learned it when I cracked the empath code.
If you find yourself taking on other people’s emotional energy to the point of depletion, and exhaustion and perhaps chronic health issues, read on.
Life as an empath can sometimes feel you are being tossed around in a tiny boat in an open ocean, with no solid ground. It’s a terrible feeling. So we struggle, we fight, we gasp for air, and occasionally come up to breathe for long enough to see the sun setting on the horizon.
That is what living as an empath can be like. Only the waves are crashing waves of emotion, sometimes ours, sometimes those of others. It’s unpredictable when the hurricane will come, so we hang on to the oars tightly most of the time… just in case.
We wonder how other people seem to live easier, to ride the waves smoother and leave storms behind as they head for calmer waters. Until we find out that we see and feel things differently, more acutely, and have to learn the skills to row efficiently, with the wind, and in the preferred direction.
Then life becomes smooth sailing. We can feel the wind in our hair, smell the ocean, and taste the sea salt on our lips.
Life as an empath can be hell. Or it can be a deeply sensory experience.
Before I cracked the code, I was in a lifeboat without a life jacket. I was going down fast.
Until one day I came across a test “Are you an empath?” Out of curiosity I took it and scored 100%. I found another test. Yup. 100% emotional empath.
I had never stopped to learn what the term “empath’ meant until that moment, even though I had been in the field of counselling for over two decades.
Now I knew why I used overthinking as a way to protect myself. Why I preferred being alone a lot of the time. Why I found some people overwhelming and took on everybody else’s emotions. Why I felt responsible for everyone and fell head-first into people-pleasing just so I could feel better. Why I suffered with so much anxiety and worry for others.
I felt like I had cracked the code to my life.
Now I could get in, understand why I was how I was, and set clear boundaries around myself.
I didn’t need new tools. I didn’t need to change. I was not a problem to fix. I was a human to hold and I needed to carefully guard who I was.
During this time when the world can feel overwhelming and too, too much, take time to understand yourself and your nervous system’s response to stress a bit better.
- Notice when you feel anxious… where do you feel it in your body?
- Notice where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing.
- Breathe into the tight areas and imagine breathing out your compassion into the world.
- If someone you are with is anxious, can you stay present and breathe? If not, take a break and find compassion for yourself.
- Notice what you are consuming—news, stressful or needy people, violence in movies or TV; decrease and take lots of nature breaks.
When you learn to guard your own health and well-being above everything else, you give yourself a soft place to land in what can be a harsh world to live in. And you give others the same gift of a soft place in your compassion.
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Why We Feel Lonely and What to Do About It
“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~Lau Tzu
With social distancing measures in place in response to the new coronavirus, many of us have a lot more time on our hands, while also being isolated.
This may also mean you’re feeling loneliness more intensely than you’ve experienced it before.
This is a good thing! Challenges can help us to understand ourselves on a much deeper level than we would have if we weren’t challenged—precisely because our feelings are more intense.
Loneliness is not new. It was around long before COVID-19, and it will be here long after this phase of isolation passes. So, whether you’re used to feeling lonely, or if it’s something new for you, this is an opportunity to connect to your heart and grow. But first you need to understand the true source of your loneliness.
Alone vs. Lonely
Some of us can be on our own and feel very comfortable and peaceful, while others will feel lonely when they’re by themselves. Then there are people who feel alone and lonely even when they’re with friends or surrounded by people.
There’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
Being alone is simply being on your own.
Feeling lonely is your experience, which can happen regardless of whether you’re on your own or not.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling we experience when we get caught up in judgments and insecurities about ourselves or our relationships.
You might feel lonely because you feel like you have no one to talk to, or no one understands you, because you feel different to everyone else. I resonate with that!
You might feel lonely because you deeply desire to connect with other people, even if just through Skype or Zoom, but maybe it feels emotionally unsafe to do so. You’ve seen how people can treat each other, or you’ve been hurt before, so now you’re not sure if you can trust people. I’ve been there!
Maybe you want to have deep and meaningful conversations with people, but all you get is shallow everyday chit chat. Yes, that gets tiring very fast! You’re trying to connect with someone, but you feel alone because there’s no depth of connection.
I’ve often wished people would either speak from their heart or just enjoy the silence.
Maybe you’re very sensitive to other people’s energy (which is a superpower, just FYI), but the only way you currently know how to manage it and feel safe is to be on your own, even though you crave connection.
Or maybe you feel left out because the people around you all like the same things, but you don’t.
Sports, Connection, and Fitting In
From my mid-teens through to mid-twenties, when many of my friends and the people I knew were starting to drink, smoke, and party, I really did feel alone.
I loved playing sports. The one that excited me the most was ice hockey. Growing up in Australia it definitely wasn’t one of our most popular sports, but I loved it! The speed, dynamism, intensity, and flow really brought something out of me. Now that I live in Canada, it’s everywhere.
This competitive team sport brought a sense of connection that also touched my heart. The feeling of relying on each other during a game made me feel much bigger than myself. Being connected on a deeper level, knowing how everyone would move or where they’d be on the ice without having to think about it, made me feel so alive and connected.
I have very fond memories of playing and training with my teammates—the intensity of emotion during a game and then the ability to let it go afterward.
But for me there was a split. I felt this sense of connection during a match or training, but then there was a loneliness that came after. Because I didn’t care for any of the usual post-game celebrations of drinking and going out to bars or clubs. I much preferred to come home after a game and relax and watch a movie.
Knowing they were all out after a game sometimes made me feel lonely. I tried doing the drinking thing a handful of times in an attempt to fit in, but it never stuck. I just didn’t like it! So I didn’t do it.
I’d sometimes go out with friends and just drink water while they drank alcohol. But this wasn’t much better, because I didn’t like what it did to people, and I didn’t like being around the energy of drinking.
So even when I did go out, I still felt alone because I just couldn’t connect on this level.
What I really wanted after a match was my quiet time.
I was still in my early twenties when I accepted that I just preferred time on my own, but it didn’t stop that feeling of occasional loneliness.
The interesting thing about feeling lonely is that you’re not alone in feeling it. Even though it might feel like that for you, it’s a common experience that touches most people’s life at some point.
Loneliness and Disconnection
When we experience loneliness, it’s only possible because of an underlying feeling of disconnection. We often associate loneliness with being disconnected from other people, which is true, but to understand loneliness, we need to realize that it all starts with how disconnected we are from ourselves.
When I’d come home after a hockey game while my teammates went out drinking, I’d feel lonely because some part of me wanted to maintain that feeling of connection with them. Part of me wanted to be able to do what they wanted to do (go out and drink), but at the same time part of me had no desire to do it.
As long as I judged myself for not going out with them, I’d feel lonely. I wasn’t accepting myself, which created a feeling of disconnection inside me.
But as I came to accept that I was different, and I liked time on my own and a quiet night at home, the feeling of loneliness started to fade away. This self-acceptance got me out of my head and back into my heart, where I could feel a peacefulness start to emerge as I simply enjoyed my quiet night stretching or watching a movie without any self-judgment.
Being quietly present with myself, enjoying what I enjoyed, brought a feeling of connectedness inside me—the thing I thought I’d get by going out with my teammates after a game.
This wasn’t one incredible moment of realization after which I never felt lonely again. It was a gradual process. There were times when I’d come home while my friends went out, where I’d still feel that familiar loneliness return.
But I’d gained an understanding of why I felt lonely—a disconnection from myself through a lack of self-acceptance. In times when the feeling of loneliness would return, if I’d come back to being present with myself the loneliness would again fade… like a muscle that needed to be strengthened.
When I reflect on this time in my life, I always find it fascinating to realize that my friends never judged me for not wanting to go out. I was always welcome to join them. They’d accepted me for who I was. It was only me who didn’t accept me, and that was a source of disconnection and loneliness.
Finding Connection
This doesn’t mean I became a hermit with no human interaction. Yes, I can feel very at peace on my own, but I also love connecting with people. You just won’t find me doing it in an environment where people are getting drunk.
I love having deep conversations. I love connecting and getting to know people. If I’m talking to you, I want to know who you are. I have a never-ending curiosity to understand what makes people who they are, and a sensitivity to feel others’ pain.
When we experience loneliness, there’s a wanting to feel connected and connect with others, but the disconnection inside us creates a closing in our heart, and we get caught ruminating about the thing we don’t have (connection).
The thoughts will fuel more emotional reaction and disconnection, which then create even more thoughts—a vicious cycle that can go on and on continually feeding itself.
And then when we encounter other people and have an opportunity to connect, we might not even be able to be present with them because we’re still caught up in our heads, judging ourselves and our experiences.
When we feel more present and accepting of ourselves, we can also feel a wanting to connect with others, but now there’s an openness in our heart.
Our heart is the part of us that feels connection. Connection to our self—the essence of who we truly are, beyond the dramas and stories that fill our mind—and connection to other people, animals, nature, and creation.
When we’re present and connected to our heart, we might be peacefully content on our own, or we may be inspired to go and connect with people. We don’t have to feel lonely to want to connect with people. The goal is to allow choices like these to flow from our heart.
If you’ve been through challenging or traumatic life situations that have left you feeling broken, ashamed, or otherwise disconnected from yourself, it’s possible you have a harder time connecting to your heart. That’s okay.
It’s also possible you have a hard time connecting with other people, perhaps because you’ve never felt a sense of belonging, and you live in a constant state of judgment and insecurity. That’s okay too.
If you start by creating a connection to yourself, it will be much easier to connect with others, and in the times when you’re on your own you won’t feel that same overwhelming sense of loneliness.
What can you do to connect with yourself when you’re feeling lonely?
Meditate
Meditation teaches us how to find a space of quiet inside our self. A simple stillness and acceptance.
We don’t realize the heavy burden and the impact of our thoughts and self-judgments until we have a moment of inner quiet. In the quiet we can comprehend the burden we carried because by contrast it’s not there.
Over the years of teaching meditation, one of the words I’ve noticed that people often express when they start a consistent practice of meditation is “relief.” A relief from the burden they didn’t realize they were carrying.
The quiet relief brings an opening in the heart and a feeling of connection. But remember, it does take practice (like learning any other skill).
Gentle yoga
I’ve always preferred very slow and mindful holding of postures. It allows us to bring our awareness into our body through being present to our physical sensations. Remember, loneliness is a feeling with its own sensations.
Often when we experience intense emotions we disconnect from our body, because we become caught in our thoughts (fueled by the emotions), which amplifies everything. Reconnecting to our body helps us to anchor ourselves into feeling—and it’s the feeling that will help slow the thinking (and overthinking).
Connecting our body through feeling (not thinking about it or judging it) helps shift us to a place of acceptance.
Follow the feeling
Take time to just sit quietly and be present with your loneliness. No judgment. Just feeling it.
If your mind wanders into thoughts, stories, emotional reactions, or dramas, just acknowledge that and bring your awareness back to the feeling of loneliness. This is where the practice of meditation is so valuable, because it teaches you the skill of how to simply be present.
If you can allow yourself to consciously feel and be present with the feeling of loneliness (not wallow in it), you’ll learn more about the source of your loneliness. It may not always be comfortable, but it’s about being present and accepting of what is actually there for you.
Be curious
With all that you do, approach it with an attitude of non-judgmental curiosity. This helps ensure you won’t be too serious or hard on yourself. Curiosity makes things more enjoyable.
And remember, you’re not alone!
There are other’s just like you (well, not exactly like you, you’re unique!), who have these same thoughts and feelings and who are experiencing loneliness as a result.
As you come to understand more about your own experience of loneliness, you’ll discover you understand more about others. Loneliness is inherent to the human experience and the world needs more people who understand.
Understanding is what brings us together. Understanding is a form of connection.
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Don’t Let Hope Keep You Stuck
“I hope that this whole COVID-19 thing goes away so we can resume our regular lives.”
“I hope this quarantine will be over soon!”
“I hope that things will go back to how they used to be.”You may be thinking, wishing, or even hoping these things—and are just waiting for things to get better. That was definitely me the first few weeks of quarantine.
Recently I’ve been pondering the possibility that COVID-19 may actually never go away and we may have to learn to adapt and live with it. It may be like influenza—seasonal, with a recommended shot, and it might just be a new virus that becomes a part of our lives.
We don’t know when the quarantine will be over, and even when we’re given a specific date, that date keeps getting pushed further and further back.
I am seven weeks into quarantine just waiting for the shelter-in-place to be lifted. The bleak reality is that, although we will slowly adapt to the ‘new normal,’ things will never go back to how they used to be. Ever. And that makes me feel disheartened, discouraged, and a bit sad.
But when I am able to be mindful and sit with these feelings and thoughts from a non-judgmental place, I am able to see that I am clinging to the past and how things used to be. At the same time, I am being unrealistically hopeful about the future and it was keeping me stuck.
The cause of my suffering: wishing for things to be different than they presently are. I am reminded to be mindful—to be in the present moment, accept what is, without judgment.
Acceptance doesn’t mean liking, wanting, resigning, or giving up. It just means acknowledging what is. By resisting and rejecting the current situation, we create unnecessary suffering.
Having hope is a not “bad” thing. Maybe it’s what gets you out of bed each day or helps you stay motivated. Maybe it’s something to look forward to, and if it helps you in some way, wonderful.
Hope is a beautiful thing as long as it’s helping you take action and not just keeping you stuck in a waiting state.
A waiting state based on external circumstance, an unforeseeable future date, or potential “something” that may or may not ever happen, is not very helpful.
Constantly living in this state of hope—just sitting and waiting for a better future—can prevent us from experiencing the present moment. It might stop us from accepting what is and seeing what is in front of us right now. It can stop us from being present because we are so focused on the future.
It is possible to live in hope but also to live in the present, in a state of acceptance. Incorporating mindfulness with hope allows you to create visions and desires that inspire action. It allows you to see things clearly for what they are, to accept, and propel you forward to become a better version of yourself.
From this subtle shift, you are empowered. You have clarity, you can make choices, you can act, you can choose—you accept the situation as it is right now, giving it permission to exist instead of wishing for it to be different. This reduces our resistance, minimizes our suffering, and allows us to operate from a mindful place of clarity.
Perhaps we can then cultivate something called “wise hope.”
As Zen teacher Joan Halifax says, “Wise hope is not seeing things unrealistically but rather seeing things as they are, including the truth of suffering—both its existence and our capacity to transform it.”
We can either resist the current situation, thus suffer. Or we can accept it, take actions to transform it, and focus on what we can do right now.
Personally, I know that if I stay in the “wishing things were different” mindset and after weeks of isolation (and who knows how much longer), I can easily go downhill into oversleeping, procrastinating, being lazy, binging Netflix, eating absorbent amounts of ice cream, and not keeping up with self-care all while just “hoping” things will improve.
These things can quickly snowball into decreased mood, increased negativity and anxiety, unproductivity, and even depression. I know how easy it is to slip into that, and I don’t want to go there. Rather, I consciously choose not to go there. It all starts with how I reframe my thoughts through acceptance and then take action.
Hope: “I hope that this whole COVID-19 thing goes away so we can resume our regular lives.”
Acceptance & Action: “I don’t know if this COVID-19 thing will ever really go away, but to make my life feel more normal during isolation, the action I’m going to take is to keep my daily routine. That means going to sleep at a reasonable time, setting an alarm even on weekends, getting fresh air and sunlight on my patio, meditating, eating well, stretching/practicing yoga/doing pushups, showering, and prioritizing self-care. I know that even on days I don’t feel like doing these things, I have the power to choose. I can choose to not do these things and feel crappy/unproductive/lazy, or I can choose to continue my daily routine because I know it increases my overall happiness and well-being.”
Hope: “I hope this quarantine will be over soon!”
Acceptance & Action: “Although I hope this quarantine will be over soon, all this extra time is such an opportunity! I finally started reading that book that has been on my shelf for the last year, began that online course I’ve always wanted to take, made bread from scratch, deep cleaned my house, and am studying online marketing! I re-assessed my 2020 goals that I had set out earlier in the year and made a ‘to-do list’ and a ‘want-to-do’ list that I can work toward given the current situation. I have been able to complete some of the things on my ‘want-to-do’ list and it has brought me a lot of joy.”
Hope: “I hope that things will go back to how it used to be.”
Acceptance & Action: “Things will not go back to how it used to be. We are always changing and growing because if we are not growing, then we are dying. We see this all the time in nature. A plant never stays static; it is either growing or dying. There is no in-between. So every day I am choosing to live, which means I am choosing to grow. I am taking this time to reflect on what has worked for me in the past, and how to make it better, releasing what hasn’t worked for me and/or changing direction. What a beautiful opportunity to press the RESET button!”
There are many sides to hope, as there are to love, beliefs, and just about anything. Too much of anything can cause us to be unrealistic, closeminded, rigid, blind.
Psychologist Carl Jung refers to this as the “shadow” aspect. Perhaps this can be considered a “shadow” side of hope, and nonetheless important to consider. Although this quarantine may be frustrating, boring, lonely, stressful, fill in the blank, it can be an opportunity to reset, transform, grow, change direction, and reinvent yourself. What will you choose?
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How to Tame a Worrying Mind During Difficult Times
EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.
“Mental health is just as important as physical health.” ~Unknown
Our main focus during this challenging time is quite rightly on our physical well-being. But we shouldn’t forget about our mental health considering these are stressful times for all of us.
Will we get sick?
Will our loved ones die?
Will we have enough food to feed the family?
How will we pay the bills?
Will things ever get back to normal?
So many questions, so many worries.
Worrying used to keep me awake at night. It occupied every space of my mind during every waking minute. I always felt on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I didn’t feel like I could handle life at all.
My life was like this for many years until I began to understand myself better. I healed my past traumas and learned to respond to myself in effective and compassionate ways.
Some of what I’ve learned has helped a great deal during this time of uncertainty and unpredictability. This has resulted in me experiencing great mental health with well-balanced moods, resilience in the face of challenge, and solid emotional regulation skills.
And let me tell you, I was pretty much the opposite extreme before, so these mental health secrets really do work. I want to share them with you so you too can benefit, because emotional well-being can help see us through the challenges that lie ahead.
Mental Health Booster #1: Be Present
When I used to worry and cripple myself with anxiety, I was caught up in my head. I followed every thought like a puppy chases a squirrel. It was too tempting, and I couldn’t resist it. One fearful thought led to another, and down the slippery slope of worry I went. I never landed anywhere pleasant.
Being caught up in my mind meant that I wasn’t present enough to pay attention to myself, so I didn’t know how I felt or what I wanted. I was just stressed out of my mind while staying stagnant in my life.
Being caught up in your head right now probably looks like worrying about your health or someone else’s, watching the news and feeding your mind with more and more scary updates. Maybe you can feel that you’re spiraling and your anxiety is increasing. Maybe you’re obsessively following the media coverage and forgetting about everything else.
These are examples of not being present.
Being present means being fully in the moment. It’s not being distracted but engaging with what is.
So instead of filling my mind with worrisome news, I tend to what is going on right in front of me. I may play with my baby, cook for my children, or take a warm bath. In this way, I am there both physically and emotionally, which helps me to stay out of my head.
During challenging times, I pay particular attention to any distress signals like shallow breathing, feeling shaky, or having a tight chest. I no longer see them as something additional to worry me but rather as signs that alert me to take a break.
I pause and get still. I start to be there for myself.
I reconnect with what is going on around me. I ground myself in my body. I focus on my breath.
I slow down. I get present.
Then the anxious voices in my heads, my little worry warts, begin to fade away.
Mental Health Booster #2: Feel and Validate Your Feelings
We all experience an increase in uncomfortable feelings during challenging times. If we have to stay at home, there are fewer distractions to take our mind off fearful thoughts and difficult emotions.
We can easily find ourselves overwhelmed by our feelings.
I remember many times in my life when it felt like the walls were closing in on me while something horrifically painful inside me was trying to break out. I felt hot and panicked. I didn’t know what to do and worried that I was losing my mind.
I had been avoiding and fighting my feelings for so long that I didn’t understand them. I feared them. I used all my energy and effort to suppress them, but every now and then, during challenging times, I couldn’t keep it up
The additional stress was simply too much.
One day I read that we were meant to feel our feelings. Wait, WHAT!?
Mind. Blown.
I had been fighting my feelings and running away from them all my life, and now I was being told that if I ever wanted to get better, I had to feel my feelings.
So I started letting them happen. It wasn’t comfortable and it wasn’t easy, but it was worth it because I realized resisting my feelings was what actually made it all so painful.
I learned that I had to stop telling myself that I shouldn’t feel how I was feeling, that I was being ridiculous, that I was too sensitive, and so on. I was invalidating myself. I was shaming myself for feeling whatever I was feeling.
I was making myself wrong for feeling all the time. No wonder I felt overwhelmed when experiencing something I had judged as shameful!
Invalidating our feelings is harmful to our mental well-being. It erodes our self-esteem and leaves us feeling broken and defective. It makes us disconnect from ourselves, and we begin to make all the wrong choices because we no longer know how we feel and what we want.
Staying mentally healthy during difficult times requires you feel your feelings and allow yourself to process them, which means not fighting or avoiding them.
It also means that you have to learn to validate your feelings. This involves you normalizing and empathizing.
You do this by telling yourself that it’s okay to have this feeling, and that any human with the kinds of thoughts you’re thinking or the kind of experience you are having would feel how you’re feeling. Tell yourself that it’s okay. That in itself is reassuring.
For example, most recently I have been experiencing fearful thoughts about the health of my loved ones. I worry that they’ll get sick, or worse. Instead of fighting my worry, I validate my fears and soothe myself.
I can see that it’s perfectly natural to worry about losing those you love and that the anxiety I experience is a result of these kinds of thoughts. My anxiety is therefore perfectly normal considering the circumstances, and I don’t have to see it as a problem, which in itself is reassuring and decreases my anxiety.
Mental Health Booster #3: Engage with Something Meaningful
When we learn not to make our feelings problems, it creates the space we need to engage with something meaningful, something that matters to us, something that brings us joy.
And what is really important for our mental well-being during difficult times is to engage in something meaningful for us.
We can choose something fun, something silly, something creative, something lighthearted. We can come up with new projects or can focus on being productive in some way. We can improve our relationships by having some fun or being caring toward each other. We can play with our kids.
Whatever it is, choose something. Get present and engage with it.
It will take your mind off things. It will give you a break.
Don’t let a difficult situation confine and restrict you.
This isn’t about denying or avoiding the realities of a difficult situation. It’s about preserving the mental energy needed to deal with it in the most effective and compassionate way possible.
And a big part of preserving our mental energy and health is maintaining a sense of purpose in the face of a crisis.
This is something most of us have in common: We all want to feel that we are useful in some way, that we have a purpose, that we’re doing something valuable.
And there are so many different things we can do to have that experience. But in order to do so, we need to have space in our minds, which requires us to practice being present, to feel our feelings and to validate them.
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I hope that these three mental health boosters help you as much as they have helped me. I am grateful to you for reading this, as this is my meaningful contribution that allows my mind to focus on something I find valuable and enjoyable.
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What I Learned About Love and Grief When I Lost My Cats
“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” ~Anatole France
Unconditional love.
The thought of my cats envelops me with warmth whenever I think of them.
Why? Because we’re so connected. It’s an ethereal thing. Beyond words. Beyond reality. Beyond rationality.
When I’m holding them, I feel so spiritually connected. They stretch out as I start to scratch their backs, signaling that they like it. A welcome sign I should continue.
They stare with their mysterious eyes. Their stares are hard to read. Yet, they tell you a lot of things. They open the flood gate of emotions. Me to them and back. They don’t need to be able to speak. I can understand those tiny meows. Those sighs. Even those imperceptible smiles. And all because of the special bond we have.
The inner joy they provide is incomparable whenever I play with them.
They may not be as active as dogs, but it’s the sweetness that melts me.
The moment I touch them, they start to meld their bodies into mine, telling me not to let go.
Sometimes they are aloof. Their snobby attitude makes me laugh. Especially when they demand something and I withhold it. I stare back. I tell them “No.” Yet their eyes impinge upon my soul. Saying “no” for long is not an option.
When I’m not feeling well, they know. They lie down next to me. They stay quiet next to me. They try to take away the illness. They’re sharers and carers.
It’s a bliss being with them! It seems to be mutual. Indeed, I can’t last a day without my fur babies. Nor they, me.
A Month to Forget
Then came that dreaded month in 2013. In October that year, my two most beloved babies died.
I was devastated. My grief was instant. It was raw. It hurt like hell.
I started to question the concept of goodness and the fairness of life. How can the universe be so cruel? How can humans cope with the onset of grief that can come upon us so suddenly? Will our lives ever be the same again? Can we ever recover from the all-pervading feelings of grief and get back to those blissful feelings of unconditional once again?
How can the source of my joy now be the source of my sorrow? How can it be that the reason for my existence is now the reason for my annihilation? How is it that my cure is now my pain?
Ironic, isn’t it?
Life is unfair.
The joy that is given to any of us is always temporary.
You may say I’m exaggerating. It’s just a cat, a pet, an animal. You can always replace one with another one.
But I tell you, that’s easier said than done. For those of us who are animal lovers and who are by themselves, having a pet is like having a miniature human. Many people won’t understand this. It may be difficult to comprehend. Hard to accept. But yes, our animals can replace humans for comfort and reassurance in many instances.
But that’s life. That’s how the circle of life evolves. One is birthed, one dies. It goes on and on and on. And it’s up to us to accept it and move on. At some stage we need to release. To let go. Otherwise we can get caught up in the devastation of loss and grief.
That’s how grieving is. It is so painful. More painful than the loss of an object or career. It goes beyond physical pain. It’s a forever thing as a piece of your heart goes with them.
Grief almost killed me.
But I realized that it’s just a phase. It’s a doorway toward a better place. It’s a key to unlock your hidden courage.
Sometimes, you have to undergo grief. To release the negativity and allow positivity to enter your life. As they say, you have to empty out so one can pour more love in.
More than a painful phase, grief can teach you lessons that will add to the missing puzzles in your life. Lessons that will make you stronger; that will make you a better person. That will eventually bring strength and resilience.
And while on this painful journey, I pondered upon these lessons that changed how I look at life.
Lesson 1: Cry if you must.
Never say sorry for crying your heart out. Most of us feel ashamed when we cry. We don’t usually like others to see us when we are crying. Society taught us that crying is a sign of weakness.
Definitely not.
It’s an outlet for your emotions. To cry is to release all the negative feelings that are killing your soul. Isn’t it that after crying, we all feel better? As if a huge stone was lifted out of our chest?
That’s what I learned when my cats died. I cried. I cried a lot. I cried every day. I almost cried everywhere. Whenever I saw cats, tears would fall from my eyes. I allowed myself to be drenched in my tears. It just seemed natural at the time.
Until the sadness is gone. Until my eyes ran dry. Occasionally, I still cry whenever I remember them. But I was never ashamed of my crying.
Lesson 2: Every being is precious.
“Don’t be a fool, it’s just a cat!”
“Don’t waste your time on those animals.”
“You can always replace them.”
These are some of the things I heard people say as I grieved. People smirked. They didn’t laugh at me outright. They thought I was insane to grieve for those beings.
“What makes them less of a precious being that I should not grieve for them?”
That’s what I wanted to shout to those who were mocking me at that time. Because for me, every being is precious. Human and animals alike. For me, whoever—or whatever being—made me feel so loved and special, is as precious as a human person.
My cats, they were so generous in letting me feel the love, the warmth, the joy. They made me feel special. Isn’t that enough proof that these beings are precious?
And because of them, I learned to see the value of each being. Whether it’s another person, my neighbor’s pet, an old person, or a child. All of these beings are precious. They all play an important role. They all add value to my being.
I believe that every person or animal we encounter throughout life adds something to our life. All those you bumped into on your life journey create an impact. They create a ripple effect that multiplies into bigger ripples, until all those who are in your circle feel the impact. We are all joined in some way, even if we don’t recognize it.
Lesson 3: Reality bites.
I was in denial for quite a time. I kept convincing myself that I’d be fine and that I’d get the hang of it.
But the moment I was home by myself, the silence almost killed me.
Where are those naughty meows?
Where are those tiny fur babies cuddling at my feet?
Where are those eyes staring up at me demanding attention?
The thought of these memories haunted me. There’s this big hole in my heart that seemed to widen as the days lingered. Indeed, reality bites. As days went by, the pain got more intense. The feeling of missing them tore me apart. Reality certainly had bitten hard.
In a painful situation, denial can make you feel good but only temporarily. Denial does not alleviate the reality of what is. It will bite you so hard and so deep that it can’t cure pain anymore. Sooner or later, you need to face reality. Feel the heartache. Feel the overwhelming pain and sadness of loss of part of your soul. But you must not let the venom of reality kill you. You’ve got to allow a cure to surface.
Lesson 4: It’s okay to not be okay.
You don’t owe anybody an apology just because you don’t feel okay.
In the midst of this painful phase of grieving, life had to go on. I needed to go to work. I needed to go out. I needed to do my chores. And, I needed to continue breathing.
There were times I survived the day being okay, but there were times that I was stopped by the dreaded feeling of being not okay. How I wished I could just feel these things when I was safely at home. Or, during the night before I went to sleep, so that no one could see my weakness.
Most of the time, this feeling paralyzed me, to the point that I could not continue my work or what I was doing at the time. Sometimes I could not speak. If I pushed myself to socialize, I ended up offending someone. Good thing my loved ones understood what I was going through.
I tell you, it’s okay to not be okay. You’re not the only person who has felt this way. Acknowledge it if it comes. Welcome it with open arms. Then allow it to dissipate in its own time.
But here’s the thing. The feeling of not being okay will eventually be temporary. By all means immerse yourself in the feeling, but do not allow yourself to wallow in self-pity, such that you cannot recover.
Lesson 5: Grief itself is medicine.
People tend to ignore this stage. When they’ve lost a loved one, they act as if nothing has happened. They act as if they have already recovered. Well, it’s okay to have that attitude. But I tell you, it is better to allow yourself to experience grief.
Grief can be your healing pill. Just like a pill, it tastes awful at first, but as you progress, you’ll get the hang of taking it. Somewhere in your subconscious, it will register that the pill of grief really is medicine, and that it is good for you to experience what life offers in emotional enrichment. Until such time as when you’ve reached the recovery stage, and you no longer need the pill.
That’s why I acknowledged my grief. I was aware of what I was going through. I acknowledged its presence every day. And then one day, I just woke up healed and refreshed.
Lesson 6: Grief is temporary.
If there is one thing that is permanent in this world, it is “temporary.” True, isn’t it?
The reason why I allowed myself to undergo grief is that I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I thought it was just a stage of life that I had to pass through.
For those times I missed my cats, and I suddenly felt bad, I somehow knew it was a temporary feeling. For those times I saw people playing with their cats, and I would suddenly feel the envy, somehow, I knew that feeling was temporary. For those times that I can’t help but think of my cats, and I want to isolate myself from the world, I recognize that it’s temporary.
Grief is temporary. Sooner or later everything will fall into its proper place. Sooner or later you’ll get through. However, “temporary” can be a short time or an eternity.
No Matter What, You’ll Get Through
The road to recovery may be long, but there’s no other way to bypass that road. I even told myself that I would never let myself have another cat again after that dreaded loss.
Days, weeks, months passed.
Four months later, I found myself cuddling two fur babies again. They’ve been my medicine to full recovery.
I find myself back to my old self. That person who loves to nuzzle cats. That person who finds joy playing with cats. That person who regards cats as family.
I just realized that’s how the circle of life evolves. We lose some, we gain some. We love, we hurt. We become pained, but eventually, we receive healing.
I realized that I needed to embrace life as it is. Even if I take things into my hands and try to manipulate an ending, pushing myself against the tide, I will always be swept back to where I should be. Life settles these things for you.
This is grief.
This is how you lose a beloved.
This is how you fall and stand again.
Grieve if you must. It’s part of life. Of growing. Of moving forward.
And all will come to pass.
And unconditional love? Oh, it’s there again. Together with my two new cats.
