Tag: wisdom
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How to Get All the Benefits of Meditation by Balancing
“Use only that which works and take it from any place you can find it.” ~Bruce Lee
Ding.
The meditation timer chimes, and through a small miracle of willpower you managed to sit through an excruciating ten-minute meditation session.
What you should feel is a sense of accomplishment. After all, you often skip it altogether.
But instead you feel frustrated having just spent the entire session fidgeting, lost in fantasies that involve bragging to a friend about meditating today.
Your “monkey mind” is strong. It’s like a whole jungle of monkeys in there.
I went through the same thing back in 1998 when I first came to the cushion. My mind was like an overgrown garden full of angry racoons.
Sitting on a pile of pillows, back aching, knees screaming, and mind racing, I would wonder, “Am I doing this right?” But the promise of freedom from my inner turmoil kept me coming back to the practice.
And, even though I always felt a little better afterward (if for no other reason than I was doing something good for myself), it took months to see more tangible and lasting results.
What I didn’t realize then was that I already knew how to meditate. I had been doing it for years as a young boy, but it didn’t look anything like the exotic (to me) methods I was trying to learn from my grandmother’s dusty old books.
In fact, I had completely forgotten about the temporary state of calm, clarity, and focus that settled over me like a soothing balm on those dusty summer afternoons of my childhood.
Now I meditate every day, but I’ve also returned to some of those earlier “practices” from my youth. Methods that you should know about too because I know how hard it is to adopt a consistent practice.
Our Attraction to Distraction
When it comes to focus, you’re fighting an uphill battle.
Our world is a sea of distraction that you’ve been swimming in your whole life.
Bombarded with ads, alerts, and alarms, you watch films that jump from one scene to the next with dizzying frequency. Texting causes your brain to slavishly listen for the next “ping.” One-click shopping allows you to gratify any urge almost as quickly as it arises.
The mind must be trained to focus, and I think you’ll agree that we live in an environment engineered to do just the opposite.
So don’t feel bad if it’s difficult to quiet your mind and maintain steady attention.
Traditional meditation doesn’t come easily to anyone (no one I’ve met, at least). And even those who are completely sold on its many benefits often struggle to maintain a consistent practice. Yet they stay committed to the idea of it, hoping they’ll find their groove someday.
If this sounds like you, don’t despair. There is an easier and fun way to experience that meditative state, one that doesn’t require the traditional butt-on-cushion approach.
Don’t get me wrong, a formal meditation practice is wonderful and rewarding. It helps you cultivate consistency and discipline; connects you to a tradition; and lays the foundation for more advanced spiritual practices.
But, while you’re working on that, wouldn’t it be great to start enjoying some of meditation’s benefits right away?
A Balanced Approach
As a boy I suffered with intense anxiety and emotional turmoil.
Maybe it was my parents’ divorce that left me feeling scared and angry. Or possibly the bullying that terrorized my early years.
I was weaker than the other kids and would become paralyzed with fear when they took turns choking and punching me in the schoolyard. Sometimes I would lie about not feeling well so I didn’t have to go to school.
I hated that place.
Paying attention wasn’t a struggle because I didn’t even try. I learned that it was futile. Instead, I stared out the window, daydreaming about running free outdoors.
And when school let out that’s exactly what I did.
Across the street from my house were the railroad tracks, the unofficial boundary line of a special world we called the “Pipeyard.”
This piece of land was dotted with old warehouses and crisscrossed by dirt roads that provided access to the piles of steel pipes being stored until they could be sold to oil leases and other industries.
There were big fat pipes you could climb inside, and skinny pipes that flexed when you walked out to the middle of them. Sometimes they were piled ten feet high, while other racks were almost empty, allowing the pipes to roll as you climbed on them.
For an unattended eighties kid, it was the ultimate playground.
But this dangerous place wasn’t just for fun, it was my sanctuary. A place where I could spend hours alone, balancing back and forth above the dusty weeds.
And that’s when the magic happened.
All of my worries and anxiety would disappear. On those narrow pipes there was no room for the nagging fears, the unhelpful inner dialogue, and vague uneasiness that haunted me.
I would enter a kind of meditative trance, immersed in the sensory experience of my feet touching the surface of the pipe, the little wobbles in my legs, the sound of high-top sneakers scuffing against rusty steel.
There was power in the simplicity of it.
It helped that I was outdoors. Alone, quiet, and focused single-mindedly on the task at hand.
The physicality got me out of my head and into the present moment. When a yoga teacher tells me to get grounded, I know exactly what that feels like.
In balancing, every moment is novel.
Step onto any elevated surface with the intent to balance, and your mind will immediately sharpen—a protective mechanism evolution hardwired into our nervous system.
You could say it’s the ultimate meditation hack.
With even a little time balancing, you’ll find how quickly you adapt. There is constant and immediate feedback telling you to relax, bend your knees, breathe… and focus.
Do it for a little longer, and your mind becomes increasingly clear, perceptions heightened—creating a magical experience where time seems to slow down. The same things you experience after a great meditation session.
The World Is Your Playground
The beauty is that you don’t need anything (or to go anywhere) to get started.
No need to endanger your health and safety like I did as a seven-year-old!
Begin by standing on one leg. If that’s hard, stand near a wall or chair so you can catch yourself. Simply walking along a seam in the sidewalk or on a low curb will be a good starting challenge for many.
If you connect with this practice, it’s easy to set up obstacles at home.
I built a balance beam in my living room from an eight-foot-long pine beam purchased at The Home Depot. It cost less than $20, but even a simple 2” x 4” laid flat on the floor should keep you occupied for a while.
Once you catch the balance bug, something clicks and you’ll see obstacles everywhere you go: Parking curbs, low walls, railings, fences, logs, rocks.
Balancing is a blast. It adds an element of play, creativity, and adventure to your day. Remember the game “hot lava?” Whatever you do, don’t touch the ground!
Here are a few things to keep in mind for better results.
Don’t do anything reckless, please. Stay off the railroad tracks and bridge railings.
Keep in mind your physical condition and abilities.
Always test logs, rocks, or railings for strength and stability before you hop on. I’ve taken some spills, but I’m in good shape and know how to safely take a fall.
Start with simple, small, and safe.
This is about adding just enough challenge and complexity to focus the mind. And it doesn’t take much. Especially if you don’t have much experience balancing.
Here are three tips to help you maintain or regain your balance:
Breathe deeply into your abdomen by imagining you’re inflating a balloon in your gut with each inhalation. Inhale to fill the balloon, and as you exhale the balloon deflates.
Relax (especially your upper body) as much as possible on each exhalation. When you do this, relax and bend your knees until you regain your composure.
As you exhale and relax, drop your awareness down toward the object you’re balancing on. One of my qigong teachers would often say, “Where the mind goes, energy flows.”
With these safety and balance pointers in mind, you will be poised to start benefiting from your new meditation practice.
Meditation Is Back on the Menu
The benefits of regular meditation are undeniable, and now you can drop into that state of mind many times a day.
The more you do it, the better you get. Your nervous system becomes conditioned to enter an optimal state faster and more effectively with each session.
Balance evokes the memory and energy of play, often becoming a game to see how long or far you can make it without falling.
The cool thing?
Your motivation to do a more traditional practice will likely increase.
Why?
Because you’ll be in the habit of dropping into a meditative state. We enjoy doing things we’re good at, and meditation is no different.
Do your neck, back, and knees get sore during sitting practice?
Not a problem with balancing. You can alternate between standing in one place or moving. We sit too much already, it’s better for us to spend more time in mindful movement.
Think of balancing as a form of dynamic meditation practice, similar to Tai Chi, qigong, or yoga. For balancing to be more meditative, be quiet, move slowly, and bring your full awareness and attention to your body and breath.
And finally, don’t forget that balance is a fundamental physical ability, one that declines with age.
For you, that shouldn’t be a problem.
Finding Stillness in Movement
Meditation won’t always be so difficult.
Sure, there are good and bad days, but at some point you get past the struggle and mostly enjoy it.
Fortunately, there are easier ways to get most of the benefits that don’t require the superhuman discipline required to meditate consistently in today’s distracting world.
Keep it fun, make it a game, and have some adventures.
Stay safe out there.
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The Anti-Anxiety Techniques That Prepare You for a Crisis
“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.” ~Dan Millman
One of the paradoxes of learning to cope with anxiety is that it often means you’re prepared for chaos and crisis. When everyone else is thrown by the uncertainty, you’re strangely at home because it is not as far from your day-to-day lived reality as it is to their’s.
I often joke that at a time of crisis, people with anxiety are like early adopters of the iPhone; we’re like “See, this is exactly what I’ve been telling you about!!! It follows you everywhere; it seems innocuous at first and then slowly, but surely it ruins your life.”
Whether it’s the overwhelming sense of fear and dread about anything and everything, obsessively running over hypothetical scenarios, or waking up the middle of the night furious with your partner because they have the audacity to be able to sleep soundly through the night, we get it.
For me, this journey started in 2015, after I quit six jobs in four months.
You see, I started a job that I felt underqualified for, and I spent every day waiting for them to figure out they’d made a mistake. The longer they didn’t, the more I was sure my employers were idiots who could not be trusted. So I decided to get a new job, but then I felt underqualified for that job even though it was a job I’d done comfortably in the past, and then I felt underqualified for the next one and the one after that, and so on and so forth.
Eventually, a friend suggested this wasn’t normal and that I should speak to a therapist. I did, and I was told the good news was that I probably wasn’t as bad at my job as I thought, and the bad news was I had an anxiety disorder. Given my ongoing fear of looking incompetent, it’s a trade-off that I’d probably almost still take.
Over the next two years, I read every blog, listened to every podcast, and tried every gimmick to help wrestle back any semblance of trust in my ability to win the increasing arguments I was having with my self-belief.
One of the biggest things about living with anxiety is knowing that it never goes away, but you can learn more productive ways to cope with it.
At a time of crisis, a lot of people will say, “We’re all in the same boat,” which I don’t think is accurate. We all get forced out onto our individual lifeboats; some of us are in rockier waters than others, some are lucky to have literal personal islands to retreat to.
As a stand-up comedian with anxiety, I have the benefit of being forced to put years into maintaining and improving my metaphorical lifeboat. From breathing techniques and isolation pods to hardcore psychedelics, I’ve taken them out into the lifeboat, seen it sink or swim, learned from that, made it better, and made it more comfortable.
For those of who are new to these troubled waters, let’s take a short crash course into the things you can do to help manage your anxiety.
It’s worth noting, these aren’t the only things you can do, and not all of these will be helpful to everyone, but these are the tools I turn to most often.
The hippies were right, meditation really works.
I know, I know, it’s cliché. I spent most of my twenties rolling my eyes at what I thought was hippie nonsense. And, even today, long after having discovered the benefits of meditation, I still cringe when I hear someone assume that because I am an advocate of meditation, I must also believe in crystals or star signs. And, I still can’t stand people pretending that meditation means you’ll never feel unhappy again.
But meditation does work. In particular, learning to let the early discomfort pass—to settle in and observe the restlessness and feel it naturally subside—is like weight training for your brain. Once you can do that, it is so much easier to accept that some things are out of your control and wait for them to pass.
Keep a routine.
Chaos can cause you to want to do everything and nothing all at once. It’s like trying to run faster to the finish line when you’re already exhausted. You want to do anything, anything at all to claim back a sense of control, but often, that just results in you feeling boxed in by the fact that you can’t always control everything.
When I’m anxious, I scramble for things to take up my time, make lists of lists I need to make. Somewhere in my subconscious, I think my belief is that “surely one of these things will work.” On the other hand, work done in a panic is less likely to be strategic or done well. That can add to a sense of hopelessness that is demotivating.
A routine can be the difference between spiralling and getting up and getting on with it, in the best way. Sticking to a routine means when things get hard, your muscle memory can kick in and take over.
For me, this means getting up at a regular time, maintaining standard working hours (even in times of unemployment), setting aside time to meditate and run at a regular schedule. All these things help me tick things off my to-do list without ever having to think about it. And, the feeling of achievement definitely makes it easier to expand beyond your schedule.
When it’s really tough, you can go one step further and list your tasks even if it’s “watch something new on Netflix” and “go to bed at a reasonable time.” Seeing things crossed off the list isn’t just satisfying, it’s also a great way to keep track of the fact that things are getting done as time passes.
Write things down, you’ll be glad you did.
It’s amazing how important a pad and a pen are to me as a comedian. I have always been in the habit of writing half-hour stream-of-consciousness per day. Exploring freely on paper is often the best way to churn out things deep within your psyche that you’d not thought yet, and that can make for great jokes.
The practice has evolved into something that is much more therapeutic. It allows me to express myself as often as I need to, without boring anyone with the same repetitive thoughts, and often allows me to understand the things I’m thinking that are linked to the emotions I’m feeling.
Remember to stay in touch.
It’s easy to assume that we all know how each other is feeling, but sharing it still helps. On that note, go a step further and check in on people, even people who might not expect you to do so. It’s always nice to know someone is thinking of you, and reacquainting yourself with an old friend, or getting to know a new one better, can often be a spark that leads to great positivity.
The medical professionals know their stuff.
Sleep, exercise, drink enough water. It’s all easy to forget and just as easy to neglect. The number of times I find myself in a horrible rut, only to backtrack and realize I’d been eating, drinking, and sleeping poorly, is bigger than I care to admit.
So do the basics and your mind will thank you. Also, if you find yourself having sleep problems, exercise and minimizing your drinking can help. Lastly, talking to a mental health professional can be life-changing, and I highly recommend it.
Know your triggers.
As you get to know where your head is at, you will notice certain things risk setting you off more. Make a note of these triggers and be ready to learn new ways to respond to them.
For me, avoiding macro level news helps. I don’t avoid all conversation of whatever topic I’m bothered by, but I don’t actively seek it out and try to steer the conversation into the bits that affect me and the people I’m talking to personally.
For example, while I don’t run away from conversations about the COVID-19 pandemic, I definitely avoid any long-term speculation. I don’t find it helpful; in fact, I find it overwhelming. Instead, I try to keep any conversation tied to how I am currently doing, with the restrictions in place.
It’s likely to be different for you, but whatever your triggers are, know them, avoid them where possible, and be ready to respond when not.
Keep laughing.
Don’t lose your sense of humor. Laughing about a shared struggle can be incredibly cathartic; it’s why I love comedy and how I got into it. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to laugh and being able to find humor in tough moments.
I’ve always found it helpful to learn from people who’ve traveled the path I’m on before me. And, when it comes with dealing with the uncertainty in a time of crisis, people who have developed coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety are seasoned travelers.
And while no amount of blog posts from well-read, worldly, and totally modest comedians can ever prevent you from experiencing moments of crisis in your life, learning and implementing the steps above may just help prepare you to deal with them when they come.
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When Happiness Hurts: How I Stopped Sabotaging Myself
“Disneyland is the star, everything else is the supporting role.” ~Walt Disney
“Just having a quick shower, I’ll text you before I leave x”
I’d received that text only ten minutes ago, so what the hell was wrong with me?
There I was standing in my kitchen like a mad woman, having a panic attack. My mind was in a frenzy with thoughts like “Does he even like me?” and “What if he doesn’t show?” and I was crying uncontrollably. I hated myself for feeling like this. I’d ruined my makeup and gotten myself into a state over nothing.
Half-hour later he showed up and everything was fine. We had a lovely afternoon and evening together. Everything went well, better actually than I’d expected, and I was really happy.
He was a lovely guy.
But I knew that wasn’t the end of it. Those thoughts and anxiety would come back to get me with a vengeance at some point… probably before seeing him again.
Why did I keep falling victim to these cruel trails of thought that wanted to relentlessly punish me with their horror stories? Because all it was doing was causing me to run away from opportunities of real happiness.
Either that or transform people into monsters through my own negative projections. No matter what, the ending was always the same. Which in turn affirmed my fears and strengthened my sabotaging beliefs about the world and most of all, myself.
It was becoming crystal clear that happiness was too much for me to handle… because I had no idea what to do with it.
You see, I’d developed a fear of happiness at a very young age.
My earliest memory was being at my Nan’s (a place I loved more than anywhere else) and her teaching me how to slide down the stairs on my bum.
I also remember getting really frightened and hiding when my aunt shouted at her and my grandad, sometimes getting physically violent. Then my aunt would not speak to anyone for hours. Heavy tension would descend upon the household, and I would sit on the same stairs crying and apologizing outside my aunt’s bedroom door, not even sure what I’d done wrong.
At home, I remember sitting in my bedroom frequently listening to my parents arguing downstairs. I remember my mum shouting at my dad and then in the years to come, my mum being shouted at by my stepdad. Wherever I went there, there was always some sort of drama.
I got used to it very quickly though. My coping mechanism was to retreat, keep my head down, and pretend it wasn’t happening. I would talk to my cuddly toys, turn the TV up, or bury my nose in a book. Those were my escapisms while unpredictability, insecurity, and apprehension became a way of life.
It also became second nature for me to expect that any kind of comfort or glimpse of happiness could be taken away from me in the blink of an eye.
As I got older I became my own worst enemy, repeating the same story with jobs and relationships, always waiting for the other shoe to drop and ultimately sabotaging them with my fear. I wasn’t even comfortable with physical wellness, so I jeopardized my health with bulimia nervosa, binge drinking, and drug taking.
I became stuck in a push-pull dynamic. I longed for stability, but any prolonged sense of well-being scared me. It went against the grain of everything I’d become accustomed to as a child. So, I would deliberately do something to destroy it and stick to the storyline I knew all too well.
After years of personal development and spiritual growth, though, this on/off, up/down way of living became intolerable. And although it’s easy to blame others, I can see how my parents became stuck in their own negative stories of disappointment and defensiveness. We can’t teach others what we ourselves don’t know.
It’s tempting to regurgitate to people, “Well, I had a hard upbringing, and I’ve been in a series of abusive relationships and so on,” but guess what? That’s not the story I want for myself anymore.
I’m ready for a brand new story and a whole new genre. And it’s called peace and happiness. This is the script I’m now in the process of writing for myself and will pass on to any children I may have.
For those of us who were taught to expect chaos and conflict, it can be difficult to understand the difference between happiness and hardship.
Admittedly, I’ve spent a lot of time going back and forth saying yes to stress (in the form of abusive men and unobtainable goals) while procrastinating over simple actions I knew would make all the difference to my well-being.
I’ve looked for problems where there haven’t been any, and I’ve ignored the ones staring me in the face. I’ve placed myself in stupid situations and then lost my temper with the people around me. I’ve acted out of habit rather than listening to my own intuition telling me to walk away or do something different.
Through re-parenting myself and reflecting on all of these so called “mistakes,” I’ve grown by leaps and bounds.
I’ve come to understand that I never had any love taken away from me because of something I’d done wrong. I’d just adopted that particular storyline, which in turn made me feel vulnerable and frightened when anything good entered my life.
It’s this awareness that has helped me make peace with my childhood, forgive my parents, and let go of the resentment and blame. Toward them and even more so, toward myself.
Through the natural ebb and flow of daily life I’ve managed to find stability and balance within me. Call it a cliché, but there’s a reason why self-love is emphasized in the world of personal growth.
My relationship with myself has become one based on trust, respect, nurturing, compassion and encouragement. A relationship where I’ll I say to myself, “You’ve worked hard today, have the night off, Holly. It’s okay to relax”
I’m now able to look into my own eyes in the mirror and ask myself, “What do you need right now? What can I do to make you feel better?” and say, “You know what, I’m really proud of you for taking action and making that decision.”
I also allow myself to feel the anxiety and unworthiness when they hit me without getting angry and frustrated. Instead, I hold myself in a space of love and safety, allowing all the scary thoughts and emotions to dissipate of their own accord.
That is true power and strength, and through practice, it gets easier. Trust me, it does.
Because the rewards speak for themselves. In the form of relief, light heartedness, and periods of tranquillity, which in time become longer and longer.
The temptation to rummage around in my cupboards at 11pm for biscuits and crisps or drink an entire bottle of Shiraz and chain smoke until my lungs hurt no longer seems as appealing as it once did.
Instead, a relaxing bubble bath, a yoga nidra practice before bed, or a coastal walk beckons to me— and I go. Things that once upon a time I would have labeled as boring.
What I’m fully embracing now is fun and freedom. Giving myself permission to laugh and be silly, taking the time to be present and not worry about the future. And instead of looking for potential problems, I seek out the buried treasure that lies in wait—in every possible outcome, knowing that no matter what I’m going to be okay.
As easy as this may all sound in theory, the most important thing I want you to take away from my story is this…
There is no final destination or “happy ending.” There is only evolution, expansion, and growth. We can spend our lives chasing happiness and emotional fulfillment, or we can actually allow and experience them, in the here and now.
We can think of happiness as something to struggle for and obtain, and then worry about losing if we feel we’ve gotten close, or we can think of it as a series of choices we make daily—starting with the most important choice:
Do we believe it’s safe to let go and feel happy, or do we keep telling ourselves the same story about potential disappointment?
True happiness and success come from understanding that right now is the only thing that matters—the thoughts you are thinking, the words you are speaking, the actions you are taking.
You are creating your story for yourself right now in this moment. And you can change the script, the storyline, and the genre anytime you like. You can assign yourself the role you aspire to be and actually become it. You don’t have to wait for someone else or some other external condition to make that decision for you.
Riding off into the sunset with your soulmate and a treasure chest may be farfetched, but love, hope, and excitement for life doesn’t have to be. As my Nan used to say to me, “Life’s what you make it.”
Your life can be whatever you want it to be.
So all the tears and heartache, see them as medals and badges you’ve earned. See them as success stories depicting strength of character and faith, because it’s those attributes that have brought you to where you now stand. They are the invaluable assets that you can depend upon to carry you wherever you wish to go next.
You are the writer and the illustrator of your own story, so make it a good one.
Not for others to talk about and applaud you for, but for you to honor and be proud of. One that you can pause and reflect on whenever you struggle, and bask in as brand new exciting chapters unfold.
As Walt Disney said, “Disneyland is the star, everything else is the supporting role.”
You are the star who brings your story to life. So see this moment as a blank page for you to make your mark on in whatever way you choose. Because that is the only power you ever really have.
And in truth, it’s the only one you’ll ever need.
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Why Presence, Not Time, Is Your Most Important Asset
“Wherever you are, be there. Lifestyle is not something we do; it is something we experience. And until we learn to be there, we will never master the art of living well.” ~Jim Rohn
I have been told again and again that our time is our most precious asset. But I disagree.
The blogosphere is filled with tips on time management—how to get more for our time. I am willing to bet my life that you have come across many such tips online yourself.
You have probably even adopted some of them.
I myself am notorious for scouting the internet to find any new tip to help me manage my time better. And yet I find that I am struggling. Yet I find myself constantly being a prisoner to my devices.
There is one thing that will beat time any day—presence. Time might be important, but our presence is paramount.
Tell me if you can relate: You are at a family gathering or a reunion, and you cannot help but notice how disengaged everyone around you is. Your cousin is busy taking selfies while your aunt is on the phone with her friend. Your dad is catching up on all the Donald Trump tweets and your sibling is making a TikTok video.
So, what do you end up doing? You pull out your phone and start checking Instagram.
I know it because I have been there myself.
Social gatherings are no longer what they used to be a decade ago. We are constantly connected now. Anxiety kicks in if we cannot find our phones or if the battery is about to die.
I am sitting in a cafe typing this, and when I look around, I see a bunch of people sitting but busy on their phones. Present but only physically. Technology has made our worlds smaller, yet at the same time made us more distant.
We have come to believe that just showing up is enough. As if just being present physically will make things better. It rarely ever does!
It is infuriating and frustrating at the same time—being there, yet not being present.
We show up to fit in, but if given a choice, we would rather not be there. Physically, we are in one place, but mentally, we are busy wondering how life might be greener on the other side.
Mentally, we are busy trying to stay “up to date” with god knows what.
Presence is a big deal.
Imagine you’ve made a reservation at a fancy restaurant for a special night. You’ve heard good things about the food and the ambience of the place. You’re excited for one hell of a night, only to be served by a preoccupied server who ignores your table, messes up your order, and ruins your dining experience.
We have all been there, haven’t we?
Now, think back to the last time you got someone’s full attention. How did that make you feel? Tell me that the experience wasn’t memorable and pleasant.
It’s easy to tell the difference when someone is mentally absent versus when someone is fully present because presence cannot be delegated. You simply cannot hand it off to someone and get away with it.
You also cannot cut corners with your presence, because then you are as good as not there. You are either there or you are not. There is no in-between!
All of us have to own our presence and choose to be in the moment.
In a world that is becoming more isolated, presence becomes a big deal because it is now a scarce commodity. There simply isn’t enough of it going around, which makes it more valuable than time.
As Maya Angelou said:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Unlike gifts, our presence cannot be copied, imitated, or replicated. Just like our fingerprints, our presence is unique to us, and without us, there is a void that nobody can fill.
Every opportunity you get—and trust me, they get fewer and fewer as you grow older—you should make a choice to be present.
Your relationship doesn’t need time; it needs you to be present. It needs you to take notice of the smiles, the laughter, the hugs, the sadness. It needs you to be an active participant in the uncomfortable moments, the difficult conversations, and the embarrassing pictures.
Next time, when you find yourself reaching for your phone, reach for it, switch it off, and put it away. This will allow you to, one, be present and, two, catch up with the people present in the room rather than stay up to date with the ones outside. In most cases, the ones that matter are right there with you.
Next time, choose presence because time only matters if you’re really there to enjoy it.
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How to Enjoy Social Media and Stop Comparing Your Life to Others
“You never know what someone is going through. Be kind, always.” ~Unknown
A few months back I was at the park and passed a family taking what looked like holiday photos.
The mom’s hair was perfectly coifed, dad was nicely shaven and looking quite dapper, and four kids stood smiling between them—all wearing matching khaki and surprisingly clean white shirts.
I watched the khaki family out of the corner of my eye as I pushed a stroller along the gravel trail, thinking of what their holiday post might say as my baby yodeled her displeasure at facing the sun.
“Kayden is already reading!” I imagined the post beginning. “And Kenzy, Kyra, and Kourtney are now fluent in both Spanish AND Portuguese.”
I giggled to myself as I imagined how the post would go on to detail news of the family travels, the dad’s promotion, and the non-profit the mom had started to benefit children in Siberia. I was checking all the boxes of an Instagram perfect share when my thought stream was interrupted by a piercing scream and some serious commotion.
I looked over to see a khaki child being hauled out of the park’s pond by a now-not-so-dapper looking dad; mom was screaming and holding her white skirt above the mud as the other three kids threatened to join the first, who was now most definitely not clean.
The photographer didn’t seem to know what to do, backing away from the deteriorating situation with a frozen smile and look of terror.
I was far enough away that the scene didn’t involve me, but when I saw the mom break down in sobs I immediately had a stab of guilt: they aren’t some picture perfect social media fantasy, they’re just a regular family with regular emotional breakdowns like all of us have.
My own baby started screaming as I stole one more glance over my sunglasses—this is the stuff you don’t see on social media, I thought. This is the stuff between the posts.
**
It’s important to remember all that doesn’t get shared on social media because otherwise we forget just how very human everyone else’s lives are too.
With the advent of social sharing came the construction of an alternate universe, and the ability to create two-dimensional characters that don’t always match our actual lives.
This sounds quite devious, but it’s not really our fault because social media wasn’t designed to be a play-by-play realistic depiction of who we are. Many refer to it as the “highlight reel” for a reason: most of us aren’t documenting our every moment, as evidenced by how few pictures you see of couples fighting or people picking their noses while staring at a screen.
It’s easy to forget that the aforementioned moments are just as common in many of our lives as the smiling, witty, or thoughtful posts you likely see populating your feed (or even sharing yourself.)
Even as someone who takes great care to be as honest and transparent online as possible, I can still recognize the chasm between my online avatar and my actual human life. Sometimes I’m thoughtful but sometimes I’m crass; sometimes I’m witty and sometimes I stare at a picture for an hour trying to come up with the perfect caption that seems off-the-cuff and effortless.
And even as I recognize this gap between my online and actual self, I can forget that its true for other people as well—I have to consciously remind myself that other people (who may appear quite together and “perfect”) are also living very human, flawed, and sometimes boring lives.
I know its easy to fall into the comparison game or to simply feel isolated (especially in times like the present, when so much of our lives are lived on a two-dimensional screen.)
It’s for this reason I share with you some tips to cultivating a more positive relationship with social media—and more importantly, a healthy relationship with yourself.
1. Remember that these are highlights, not reality.
Though many of us try to be honest online about our imperfect lives, we still can’t possibly bring every fact about our reality to the screen (nor should this necessarily be the intention.) Not every emotion needs an audience, and its not always safe or necessary to bring all of our lives to the public sphere: but when scrolling through pictures of smiling faces and happy families, its important that we (the social media consumer) remember that we’re seeing a highlight reel, not the “real” reel.
2. Be yourself.
This one sounds obvious, but its easy to put so many filters or edits onto our lives that we stop feeling like our actual selves.
For example, years ago someone told me that I posted “too much” and I believed them; I decided to scale back my online presence in order to stop overwhelming the feed. I wouldn’t interact on social media for weeks at a time, trying to create this appearance of detachment and busy-ness: like I was simply too busy living life to interact online (when really I was totally still there I just didn’t want anyone else to think I was too much.)
It was at this point that I began to hate social media and the people on it, and though at first, I blamed the platforms, I realized soon after that it was my relationship to them that was making me feel terrible.
Once I realized it was because of who I thought I needed to be (or more importantly, who I thought I couldn’t be online—myself) I decided that I was done letting other people dictate who I was. I went back to interacting with friends, sharing articles I found interesting, and commenting on all the posts that my heart desired.
This lightened me up to connect with people as my “real” self, turned off the “right” people who thought I was too much, and also helped me to like social media again. I found out that the energy had been coming from within me all along.
3. Recognize the differences between you and your online persona.
Whenever I start to compare my insides to other people’s outsides, I think about all the (accidental) differences there have been in my own social media posts and my actual life.
For example, I took an amazing international trip a few years back that had me sleeping at the base of volcanos in Iceland and hiking to the top of green hillsides in Scotland.
The pictures and memories I shared were mostly smiles and beautiful landscapes—I didn’t, however, detail my huge anxiety about driving in another country, or the tense moments between a close friend and I as we crammed ourselves into a camper van and tried not to snap at one another each cold morning. These omissions weren’t devious: they were simply not the moments I chose to share with other people. Similarly, it’s important to remember that other people are not sharing their full story with us either.
4. Periodically check out of the online world and into your five senses.
Sometimes I look up and realize that I’ve been scrolling mindlessly on my phone for way too long. I recognize these moments because I somehow end up three years deep into the online album of a person whom I’ve not seen for twenty years (or have never actually met in real life.)
It’s moments like these that have had me swearing off social media all together: after all, why waste precious moments of life staring at other people’s timelines that have nothing to do with me?
But I’ve found that this “all or nothing” approach isn’t sustainable for me either, because the truth is that I truly like connecting with people online—when I’m not mindlessly scrolling down rabbit holes, it’s really fun to check in with my friends and interact with the many people I’ve connected with virtually.
The answer I’ve found is to balance my online interaction with my real-life day.
I make it a practice to set a timer when I’m about to get on social media; finishing my scrolling or comments before the buzzer goes off becomes a game that I play with myself. And if I find myself feeling bad as I look at other people’s posts, I take that as a signal to sign off and look at “where my feet are.” As in: where am I standing, what can I see, hear, or touch?
Checking in with my five senses gives me an idea of what’s real in my life, which gives me a space to decide if interfacing with the two-dimensional world is going to serve me at that moment or in that day. Though sometimes the answer is yes, the space to decide what serves us and doesn’t is the one from which we can enjoy social media interaction.
5. Imagine your favorite celebrity constipated.
Okay, I know that one’s a little crass, but bear with me here: Anybody that seems to have a perfect life is actually still a human just like you and me, with moments of definite imperfection at the same frequency.
Yes, they might have great filters or a house that’s been featured on “lifestyles of the rich and famous”, but I guarantee that they too sometimes sit around picking their nose, have been heartbroken at one point or another, and likely have people that they watch longingly (and with a sense of comparison) as well.
I’ll never forget happening into a group of very wealthy friends when I was young, and then being astonished at the ways they jealously compared themselves to even wealthier people. I was amazed at the houses and bank accounts they took for granted, while they told me about being made fun of in their privileged school for not having a garage full of antique cars or their own yacht, like some other (wealthier) classmates.
As I scooped my jaw up off the floor I was forced to realize that there is no end to comparison, whether it be in real life or online: the key is to take some deep breaths, recognize all that we already have to be grateful for, and then remember just how similar our humanity is beneath the fancy filters and thoughtful captions.
Everyone is doing the best they can—and this looks different online for different people. We are only responsible for what it looks (and feels) like in our world.
**
I hope the khaki family got a picture for their holiday card that day in the park, or that maybe they traded their perfectly posed smiles for some muddy and imperfect shots of real life. I got distracted with my own screaming baby and didn’t see how their shot turned out, but I’m sure that whatever happened, it didn’t all end up online. When I finally calmed my own daughter down, we lay belly up in the grass and I decided to snap a photo.
“So grateful,” I captioned the post, looking at our happy faces beaming back at me from the land of social media. “And constipated,” I added with a smile, loading my daughter back into the car for our trip back home to our perfectly imperfect and very real, actual, life.
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How Are You Trading Your Time, Energy and Life?
“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” ~Henry David Thoreau
We all make trades in life.
We trade our time. We trade our energy. We trade our hard-earned money. We trade our attention.
Many of us move through life in constant motion, never stopping to reflect on where that motion is taking us. If it’s helping or hindering us. If the trades we are making daily are letting us live our best lives. If the trades are giving us more quality time with those we care about most. If we can turn up for them fully engaged, energized, and enthused.
Or are we turning up for them tired, distracted, and frustrated?
The trades we make in life take a toll on us physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Trading My Time, Energy, and Enthusiasm for Status and a Corner Office
Like many of us, I spent part of my life chasing the corporate dream. You know the stuff—more money, more responsibility, catchy job title, more kudos.
But an interesting thing happened along the way. With each new pay hike there was always someone earning more. Each job title change got stale quickly. More responsibility often came with a lot more headache and often more politics (something I have a low tolerance for). Progress never really felt like progress for long. I always felt like I was hitting a glass ceiling.
I noticed these feelings and wanted to understand them, so some personal reflection and introspection followed. I came to I realize I felt this way because I was pursuing things I thought I should chase rather than things I really wanted to chase. A simple but powerful distinction.
The corporate grind, hustle, and ‘networking your way to the top’ is a well-established path, but It’s also someone else’s path. It never really fit for me, and the deeper within a corporate machine I tried to embed myself, the more I realized I was seeking something else. More than that, I needed something else. This model was always going to be an ill fit for me.
So, this is the part where I tell you I decided to chase my dreams and live off my ‘passion project.’ Well, not exactly.
I make the decision to set myself up as a company of one, me. No longer would I have to wait years for a ‘directorship’; I was now director of my own ship. Thankfully, I have a skillset and experience that others find valuable and have been able to make a living since (nearly ten years as I write this).
This time hasn’t all been champagne and roses. I’ve had some very barren periods where I thought I might need a new plan. Countering that, I have also had very rich periods full of rewarding work, clients, and healthy paychecks.
Is this my job a dream job? No. There are other potentially more fun ways to earn my living (writing full time, for example). And knowing that you must find your own work focuses the mind and is inherent with a degree of risk, so it’s definitely not for everyone. You also need thick skin for this line of work.
However, my work does give me a degree of freedom and flexibility that I really appreciate (allowing me to take off and travel for long periods for example). Within reason, I get to decide the work I say yes to. I also rarely have to be in the office ‘showing my face’ and punching a clock day in day out. I can work from home, from a coffee shop, or somewhere else. My output gets measured, not how often people see me in the office.
These aspects (freedom and flexibility) are particularly important to me. More so than job titles and corner offices.
My work provides me an intellectual challenge that I appreciate. And occasionally, I get to work with some very cool people, learn lots, and make some meaningful change.
There can be gaps between clients and projects at times, but when I am engaged, I earn well (by most people’s standards). This pays for the adventures and travel, so is enough for me while also being a fair price for the people I work with.
To be clear, there’s also nothing wrong with working for others. In fact, whether you work directly for a corporate entity (employee) or are self-employed (like me), we are all serving someone. We are not all carved out to be entrepreneurs or self-employed, and that’s okay. Find your own fit and embrace it I say. There are many ways for us to earn our living.
My point is that I am aware of my trades and I am mostly happy to make them. If that changes, I will need to make a new plan.
Broader Lessons
While my example involves becoming a company of one, to support the way I want to live my life, that may be the opposite of where you are and what you need.
Your trades might be aligned to finding a corporate job where you get a paycheck and pension and someone else finds the work. That’s fine, your trades need to be trades you are willing to make.
What I am advocating is that we have an awareness of the trades we are making in life. That we become aware of where we are spending our energy, time, and efforts. Essentially, aware of where we are spending ourselves.
This is a powerful prism through which we can objectively view everything we do.
Yes, sometimes we will have to make trades that may not be our first choice, but we can do so intentionally. Realizing there is a greater good or longer-term goal in play.
Equally, we may realize we are making trades we would rather not, trades that are taking more from us than they are giving back, and we can then take action accordingly.
Questions We Can Ask Ourselves
We can keep the trades we are making front and center in our minds by asking some simple but searching questions of ourselves.
Are the trades we are making worth the energy/time/effort/money we are spending on them? Are we likely to see a return on our investment?
Are the trades we are making helping us get closer to our goals?
Are the trades we are making beneficial to our relationships? Are we present and available for the people we care about most?
Are the trades we are making leaving us energized?
Are the trades we are making aligned with our moral code?
Are the trades we are making giving us the best chance of living a good life?
If not, maybe we should be making different trades.
Be aware of where you are making trades in your life. Make them selectively. Give them your full attention and handle them with the care they deserve.
