Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • A Love Note to Introverts: 10 Superpowers That Make You Amazing

    A Love Note to Introverts: 10 Superpowers That Make You Amazing

    “Your vision will become clear only when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside dreams, who looks inside, awakens.” ~Carl Jung

    Dear Introvert,

    We live in an extraverted world, one that is not always kind to introverts. You may be that introvert who was bullied because you were quiet, or who felt as though you never fit in. Maybe you used food, alcohol, or substances to numb the pain, which created its own set of problems.

    First and foremost, know that you are perfect as you are.

    Being introverted doesn’t make you weird, awkward, anti-social, or too sensitive. It doesn’t mean that you’re distant or fear being social. Many introverts crave connection and relationships, but they may be most comfortable in smaller settings or for shorter periods of time, allowing you needed downtime.

    Carl Jung, who identified introversion as a personality style, talked about introversion in terms of how people derive energy. Introverts, he said, derive energy by connecting inwardly; they reflect first and act with clarity.

    There are many myths about introverts and it’s hard sometimes to know what is true. It’s also easy to use these myths against yourself, and to create a story that there’s something wrong with you.

    I get it—I’ve been there. It’s taken me half a decade or so to know that I’m okay as an introvert.

    As I’ve moved into my okay-ness, embracing Buddhist concepts such as non-judgment, something strange and wonderful has happened. I’ve noticed that many introverts have amazing superpowers, and I’d like to share these with you.

    Whether they all resonate, or just some, quieting that inner critic and amplifying your inner cheerleader can help you to accept and love who you are.

    10 Introvert Superpowers That Make You Amazing

    1. Listening

    While it’s true that introverts may prefer being more on the sidelines, they are rarely disengaged. In fact, listening is an exceptional strength in a world where many people jostle to be the first to express an opinion.

    2. Calm

    Okay, at least in other’s eyes, introverts usually appear calm and unruffled. Internally they may be freaking out, or not. This calm presence helps in many situations.

    Thich Nhat Hanh tells a story of the Vietnamese refugee boats, which were often approached by pirates. When even one person on the boat remained calm, it was enough, and showed everyone how to survive.

    3. Written communication

    Sitting back, reflecting, and writing out my thoughts is a great way to share. I prefer it at times, and maybe you do too. Being able to communicate well in writing is a definitely advantage in school or the business world.

    4. Loyalty

    While it may take a bit to lower barriers, when they let others in and allow themselves to be vulnerable, introverts are loyal friends and supports. When they do need to speak up on others’ behalves, natural reticence usually disappears. They are fierce allies.

    5. Observation skills/eye for detail

    Spend time with me, and I’ll remember your preferred beverage and whether you like your food spicy or mild. I’m also likely to make that guac you enjoyed next time we meet. Is that you too? Observation and an eye for detail rock.

    6. Independence

    Introverts rarely need to be entertained. We can easily curl up with a good book, our dog or cat, or binge on Netflix.

    7. Deep thinking

    While you may or may not consider yourself a deep thinker, most introverts are more reflective. It has to do with the natural pause we take, and the internal time thinking about the situation at hand.

    8. The ability to think before talking.

    This one is closely related. That pause allows many introverts time to formulate an answer rather than just responding. This may make interactions feel “honest but kind,” feedback I’m proud to have gotten myself. If you are not as likely to pause, it’s worth trying.

    9. Sensitivity

    Sensitivity is one of those traits that can give introverts a bad rep, but why? Sensitivity is not the same as being prickly or overly reactive. In fact, it’s indicative of an attunement to others that supports empathy.

    10. The capacity to engage people

    When introverts speak, others listen. Since introverts do not jabber on, when they feel comfortable entering a conversation, or are invited to do so, others listen. What comes out can be profound.

    And so, dear introvert friends, you can see why I love having you in my life. I hope you can learn to value yourself as much as I value you!

  • Being Good to People

    Being Good to People

  • Not Everyone Changes

    Not Everyone Changes

  • How to Best Comfort Someone Who’s Grieving

    How to Best Comfort Someone Who’s Grieving

    “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” ~Vivian Greene

    Compassion is one of humanity’s greatest gifts. During times of suffering, such as following the death of a loved one, sufferers rely on the empathy of others to survive their ordeal. Yet, too often when someone is grieving, we do little more than offer an “I am sorry for your loss” because we are fearful of accidentally increasing their pain.

    Speaking as someone who lost her husband unexpectedly after just over three years of marriage—and who has counseled many people who have lost loved ones—I understand both personally and professionally how it feels to grieve deeply.

    All grievers appreciate the compassion offered them, but there are some expressions of sympathy that are more helpful than others. Here are five don’ts (and dos) for people wanting to comfort grievers.

    DO talk about the person lost, don’t assume bringing up their name or stories about them will make the sadness worse.

    What hurts me most is when people do not talk about my husband Jim. There were a lot of people who thought bringing him up in conversation would hurt me or intensify my sadness. The opposite was the case.

    I would tell them that I love talking about Jim and I always will because that is how I keep him alive and with me. I enjoy hearing a funny story about him or a memory of him that someone is eager to relive.

    Many people wanted to be there for me—even to reminisce about Jim—but since they did not know what was appropriate, they did nothing. As I suffered through the pain and shock of losing him, the last thing on my mind was who I had not spoken to recently or who might be available for a fifteen-minute talk.

    Grievers are not in a psychological state of mind to reach out to anyone, so please reach out to them. We need all the support we can get.

    DO ask questions, just don’t ask open-ended questions.

    One of the most common things you hear while grieving is “Do you need anything?” Or “How can I help?” These are the most stressful questions you can ask a sufferer. They’re heartfelt and have the best of intentions behind them, but for someone who is already overwhelmed with grief, shock, anxiety, etc., making decisions is very difficult.

    For example, food is one of the most stressful things when you are grieving. Sounds ridiculous, but it is true. Every client I work with who has lost a loved one says that food elicits the same stress with them.

    One of my clients is blessed with a family member who makes peanut butter protein balls so that my client will satisfy her nutritional needs without having to cook herself.

    My life was made so much easier by friends and family who brought me food already prepared. All I needed to do it was put it in the refrigerator until I wanted it. It was one less thing to worry about.

    So if you are going to ask a griever if they need anything, make it a simple choice: “Do you want soup or salad?” Or give them a multiple-choice question—A, B, or C.  They will still need to make a choice, but it will not be based on open-ended options.

    DO offer to get together, but don’t assume the person suffering will want to do the same things they have done in the past.

    Meet the sufferer where they are and not where they once were.

    Jim and I loved road trips to football games and live band performances. Today I can only enjoy those things with people whom I feel very safe.

    Many people just assumed that because I enjoyed it previously that I would naturally fall back into it again. It doesn’t work that way. Joy is a difficult emotion after grieving because you almost feel guilty to be happy. Maybe some people cope with their grieving that way, but the vast majority I have encountered do not.

    I would much rather spend the day outdoors in nature quietly, or have friends phone me and say, “How about we come over and watch a movie? You don’t have to entertain us or get dressed. Stay in your pajamas.” 

    DO leave the small things out of conversations, don’t bother the griever with trivialities.

    Grieving or not, if a friend or family member is facing a major problem in life, you want to help them, regardless of whether you are suffering. Life is about helping one another whenever it is needed. That is, when it is a legitimate problem.

    For example, I no longer have any patience for pettiness. I do not care about the traffic or the weather, or about the rude checkout lady at the supermarket.  Jim died two and a half years ago, and it is still a struggle climbing out of bed and getting through the day. With that kind of daily battle, I have no tolerance for those mundane conversations anymore. And I guarantee you I am not alone.

    Do yourself and the griever a favor—if your problem is nothing more than an irritant, speak to someone else about it.

    DO be open and patient with outbursts and breakdowns and don’t judge.

    Just because a griever looks better after a few weeks or months does not mean he or she is no longer suffering. It simply means they are getting better at improving their appearance. The suffering on the inside continues, and the daily struggles remain even though they are unseen by the public.

    Little stresses can derail us. For example, due to a rain delay, the Michigan-Michigan State game was running late, and living in Colorado, the local channel switched to the Colorado game. You would have thought I lost my dog. I called my brother (hysterically) and he took care of the issue in five minutes.

    You feel as if you have overcome so many challenges already that the frustration at not understanding what is going on around you sends you spiraling. It’s why you can only approach life one day at a time.  So resist the urge to judge another’s progress or choices. Sufferers really are doing the best we can.

    —

    In closing, it is so important that you remain who you are. Don’t try to change how you act or interact in fear of how you will make the person grieving feel. Just be who you are for them and remember that normalcy is not a goal let alone a destination. Their lives will never be the same again, but your consistent presence and authentic support will make the grieving process just a little less overwhelming for them.

  • Someone Out There Feels Better Because You Exist

    Someone Out There Feels Better Because You Exist

  • Strong and Vulnerable: How I Learned to Let People In

    Strong and Vulnerable: How I Learned to Let People In

    “Vulnerability is hard. And it’s scary, and it feels dangerous. But it’s not as hard, scary, or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, ’What if I would have shown up?’” ~Brené Brown

    January – 2012

    I remember sitting in a small, dark room waiting for the surgeon to arrive.

    My son had just had major surgery to treat a complex condition that had cost him his small bowel, and it had taken much longer than expected.

    My stomach felt tense as the surgeon sat in the chair opposite us.

    He looked at the floor as he started to speak.

    “It’s not good news,” he said.

    “We think he has a week left to live.”

    After that, my mind switched off. I felt my wife’s head on my shoulder and heard her tears.

    Was it a bad dream?

    June – 2017

    My feet feel heavy as I am nervously walking toward the divorce court.

    Twelve years has come to an end, and it’s time to let her go.

    We lived under extreme stress for five years, up every night with our son, constantly in the hospital. I think the only thing worse than being in a war zone is being in intensive care for twelve months and seeing children die next to you.

    I know I did my best, but somehow, we lost each other. Both stuck in our own pain, with me unwilling to be vulnerable and unable to fully let her in.

    As I stand outside the court in a small, smelly room waiting for the hearing, my thoughts drift back.

    May – 1988

    I am in the hallway after school, surrounded by three bigger guys.

    They are laughing at me and pushing me. I know what’s coming, and I can feel my heartbeat increasing, and my stomach feels tense.

    I wish I could be anywhere else but here, but there is no way out. I am surrounded.

    I feel the kick in my chest as I fall to the floor and struggle to breathe. A few more punches and I hear their voices fading as they walk away.

    I get up embarrassed and in pain, but I pretend I am okay. I remember what I have learned. Never show weakness…

    August – 1998

    This reminds me of something I have experienced before. I am in a harbor surrounded by three big guys with tattoos down their arms and neck.

    I don’t see the guy that has circled me, and suddenly I feel the punch on my ear. I drop to the floor.

    Slowly, I get up and say, “Are we done?”

    I get kicked in the stomach and fly backward.

    Slowly, I get up and ask, “Are we done?”

    And another round.

    I should not show any emotions. That is how I survive. I know this game…

    June – 2017

    I hear a voice and snap out of my thoughts.

    It’s the court lady, and she says the hearing is canceled.

    As I get on the London underground, I close my eyes and drift off again…

    March – 2014

    This is where it started.

    He is an optimistic, energetic Italian scientist who I found online while researching leading experts around the world, and he is my only hope.

    I tell him the story of my son and that only the regenerative medicine treatment he is researching can save my boy.

    He tells me that we need to raise $7.5 million to do the research.

    He looks at me in disbelief as I say, “Okay, I will get that.”

    Whatever it takes to save my little boy…

    June – 2017

    I finally got home from the divorce court.

    I am looking out the window, and despite everything I have achieved, I feel empty.

    My son is still here five years later, and we managed to raise $8 million. I have many friends, and I had a business that I built from scratch with fifty staff members.

    So why do I feel so empty?

    I know the answer but am afraid to admit it because I am a man. I am strong, and I don’t need anyone.

    I had survived violent confrontations, built a business from nothing, helped save my boy when he was given no chance, I am helping to innovate medical science, and I have fought and won legal battles against our national health service…

    I know I am strong, but I feel alone. Disconnected from others.

    Suddenly I realize that I have made myself alone. Because I learned to only count on myself and to never show vulnerability.

    I google vulnerability and find Brené Brown’s TED talk, and suddenly I realize I have lived my entire life in fear. In survival mode.

    While survival is essential and served me at a time in life, it’s not really living.

    But somehow being vulnerable and depending on others feels scarier than a fistfight. Scarier than death.

    So, I know what I have to do. I have to let my protective angle go as he is no longer needed, and he is holding me back from living.

    I sign up for a course over the summer and jump on a plane to San Francisco.

    All these hippies are scary. They are so relaxed with touch. It makes me uncomfortable.

    They share things and cry, making my stomach cringe because I am terrified of having to do the same.

    I want everyone to see how strong and manly I am.

    It’s circle time. Oh, I hate these. And, this time we have to share vulnerability with the group.

    I am praying that someone will burst through the door and shoot me. It’s America, after all. But to my despair, nothing happens.

    As it becomes my turn, I am still alive. F…

    I can feel I am shaking.

    I tell the group about my son and the long, dark nights I would stand and cry in the living room, scared to my core that he would not be alive the next day.

    I never used to let anyone see me cry, as they had to think I had it all together. But I was scared, so scared.

    I finally break down and cry in front of the group. I cry like a baby.

    They all look at me with love and compassion. They even seem more connected to me, and I feel more connected to them.

    Something has happened that I have never experience before. I don’t even know these people, yet they now know me better than my ex-wife, family, or childhood friends.

    I feel I can finally be me. Strong and vulnerable.

    I get a friend of mine who is a masseuse to give me a gentle massage on my stomach and chest, as I know how much I dislike touch there.

    I don’t know why, but I can feel my body being tense and resisting.

    I close my eyes and slowly let go. As I let the tension go, I can feel a little hurt and violated child inside me cry, and I let it. I am in hippie land now, so why now?

    Something extraordinary happens. I am enjoying the touch. Yes, I really like it.

    It no longer feels irritating. As I leave the course, I realize touch is one of my love languages, and I can’t get enough.

    Who knew that summer would change my life?

    My friendships, my relationships, everything has changed since I came home.

    I feel more seen and accepted now that I’m more open, and I’m better able to see and accept the people around me, which helps them be more open too.

    I found the missing formula to intimacy and love, toward myself and others.

    And it’s not complicated. It just takes courage.

    Like a plant needs air, water, and sun to grow, love requires safety, vulnerability, and acceptance.

    I found the force. May the force be with you.

  • Don’t Forget to Celebrate Your Friend Who…

    Don’t Forget to Celebrate Your Friend Who…

  • 3 Ways My Anxiety Has Helped Me Love Better

    3 Ways My Anxiety Has Helped Me Love Better

    “Quiet people have the loudest minds.” ~Dr. Stephen Hawking

    I have wonderful family and friends and have always hoped that I would pass along a helpful legacy. Lessons for them to remember, memories to smile about, and love to lean into during hard times. For years, though, it seemed like the biggest thing I was passing down to my exhausted wife, flustered and at times terrified kids, and friends was my struggles with anxiety.

    As my anxiety grew and the panic attacks came, I grew apart from those I needed the most. Hard for a son and wife to connect to a dad that acts like a bear coming out of hibernation. Grumpy and pissed off. Looking for a fight. Friends being ignored because the alcohol was effortless and it made no demands.

    My home was not what it should have been, but unfortunately it was what I made it. Expecting the teen to be an adult just like my parents expected of me. Home to a wife who feels she can barely hold the family together and walks on eggshells when she really needs comfort. Friends cut out because they refused to be an on-call counselor.

    But things changed. As I healed myself through intense counseling and self-care practices, I started to close that gap in family relationships and build a bridge. A bridge built on self-care and self-love. I started to reconnect with friends and be a better listener. I learned that I could give love only after I loved myself.

    The struggles with alcohol and bullying that I once cursed became a blessing. I discovered they gave me plenty to share and a potentially wonderful legacy of strength and love. My struggles made me a better dad, a better husband, and ultimately a better friend and person.

    These three reasons are why I am grateful for my anxiety.

    More coping skills to share

    Like a master carpenter passes along his woodworking tools, I now have lots of self-care skills to pass along to my son for his anxious times or my wife for her high-stress job. I can teach them how to meditate or suggest daily journaling. I can instill a love of Mother Nature.

    Perhaps the biggest thing I can now show those I care about is how to ask for help. I was terrible at this and often used alcohol to try and avoid the feelings of being totally overwhelmed and dull the anger. Through my journey, I have learned to ask for help, with the first step being going to a counselor.

    Share your skills and experiences with your family and friends. You did not go through this anxiety-driven hell to not make a difference.

    Greater awareness of stressful triggers

    Many of my youngest son’s triggers are like mine. Neither one of us are big on schedule changes and get overwhelmed when things get extremely busy. Because I see these triggers in me, I can now see them in him.

    I can offer my wife a proactive hug or a warm “love you” before the tears and dig into the self-care toolbox that we have created. I am there for her more than ever because I am now more aware. Growing up, no one saw my struggles and I wish they had.

    My anxiety brought me in greater attunement with the emotions of my family and friends. Pay attention and be there when they need you and the triggers are there.

    Greater compassion

    Growing up my parents constantly told me to “just relax.” This advice makes me sick to my stomach because it simplified something they did not understand. A token phrase unattainable in the midst of the emotional storm.

    I know my wife and kids and just about everyone would love to be stress-free. But “just relax” is a meaningless phrase when our bodies are trembling. Understanding anxiety is a runaway locomotive, I can be more compassionate and understanding.

    I learned to just listen instead of freaking out hell bent on firing off nasty emails. I don’t have the answers to fix everything that goes wrong for those I love, but I have the love to support them in everything they do. I discovered I may not be able to solve the issue, but I can stop myself from adding to the emotional turmoil with threats and gaslighting moments.

    —

    I never wished to be nearly incapable of functioning at times because of anxiety, but it happened. I always wanted to be the best husband and family man possible. The one who didn’t make the angry Grinch seem like Mother Theresa on the holidays. I ruined many a festive occasion with my lashing out.

    Now I believe my legacy is of change. Change not in the ability to love but to show love. Thankfully, my family and friends never stopped showing theirs.

  • I Am Everything I Became While I Healed

    I Am Everything I Became While I Healed

  • How to Befriend Our Unhealthy Survival Mechanisms

    How to Befriend Our Unhealthy Survival Mechanisms

    “Wounded children have a rage, a sense of failed justice that burns in their souls. What do they do with that rage? Since they would never harm another, they turn that rage inward. They become the target of their own rage.” ~Woody Haiken

    Survival mechanisms are ways of being that we picked up along the way to help us cope with what was happening in our reality.

    Getting mad at ourselves for doing what we do only promotes self-hate. We’re not bad or wrong; in fact, we’re pretty damn intelligent. We found ways to help us soothe our traumas, hurt, and pain and perhaps get love and attention. That’s pretty intelligent, wouldn’t you say?

    I should just stop eating so much, drinking alcohol, smoking, exhausting myself through compulsive exercise, being busy, procrastinating, people-pleasing, etc. Easy peasy—just stop, right? Not when we have an “internal fight.”

    What do I mean? Part of us believes it needs to do these things in order to feel safe or be loved and accepted by others. That’s why they’re called “survival mechanisms.” That part of us doesn’t understand logic and reason; it understands emotions and feelings.

    It has a need to be loved and feel protected and safe, and it uses these things to get these needs met. Letting go is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. Pretty damn scary, eh?

    That’s what happens internally: the fear of letting go consumes us, and most often appears as an anxious feeling; then we pick up our survival mechanism again to soothe that feeling. It’s like running on a hamster wheel but not really getting anywhere.

    When I was little, I used food to cope with the environment I was living in. I was constantly told I was bad and wrong, and food helped soothe my feelings of insecurity. It actually became an obsession and the only thing I cared about.

    My whole focus in life became how I could get food to comfort me. I was teased for being fat from the popular girls, and I heard it at home from my father calling me “fatty, fatty two by four.”

    I didn’t know what was going on at the time; all I knew was that eating was all I wanted to do. Then, when I was thirteen, my doctor told me to go on a diet, and at age fifteen I entered my first hospital for anorexia.

    For the next twenty-three years of my life, anorexia, my coping mechanism, became the only thing I cared about, and I also had sub-symptoms like anxiety, cutting, and depression.

    I was existing but not living. My days and nights were consumed by trying to cope with life through eating and exercise. What a life, eh?

    I thought I was protecting myself, but really, I was living in a prison; I was the prison guard and the prisoner of my own creation. But I couldn’t stop; it was like this ‘thing’ had a hold on me.

    I cried and cried for it to go away, but it took control of my life every day. I wanted someone to save me from this thing, but the more I tried to let go, the more it had a hold.

    Even after twenty-three years of therapy and hospitals and treatment centers, it was still my savior.

    So, how did it finally let go? I took my healing into my own hands. I was determined to experience happiness, love, and inner peace.

    This was a process, not an overnight fix, but I started healing the unresolved issues that caused me to not feel safe, understanding my survival mechanisms’ purpose for me, and loving and accepting myself unconditionally. By doing so, the anorexia, anxiety, cutting, and depression no longer needed my attention, and I released those symptoms. 

    You see, that thing that had a hold on me, it was really my friend; it was my protector, and it worked until it no longer did. So instead of trying to get rid of it, I integrated it. Now it didn’t need to pick up another survival mechanism; instead, we became loving friends.

    Unhealthy coping mechanisms don’t free us; they’re just a way to numb our trauma, hurt, and pain, but they also keep us from truly living.

    By understanding what we’re trying to cope with instead of running or numbing, we’re able to see what we really need, get those needs met, and experience inner peace. This is called loving re-parenting. Because that’s what loving parenting looks like: offering kindness, understanding, compassion, and caring instead of judgment, criticism, and abandonment.

    Trying to get rid of a symptom—like overeating, cutting, or smoking—is fighting against our own biology. By making peace with it, by listening with compassion and understanding, we can help that part of ourselves get its needs met, and most often the symptom naturally goes away.

    This is how I’ve been able to free myself from the symptoms that had a hold on me, and here’s a way for you to get started today, if this resonates.

    1. Move into acceptance of who you are and what you’re experiencing. Replace judgment with compassion, knowing that you’re doing the best you can with what you know today, and you’re learning and growing as you go.

    2. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and imagine you’re talking with your unhealthy survival mechanism.

    3. Ask it, “Why are you here? What’s your purpose?”

    4. Ask it what it needs so it no longer has to get your attention through the symptoms you’re having.

    For example, the part of you that’s binge eating may let you know it needs a safe place to process and express your feelings, somewhere that you’re seen, heard, loved, and accepted unconditionally. It may also let you know that it’s time to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

    Or the part of you that’s experiencing depression may let you know that it’s tired of trying so hard to meet other people‘s expectations of how you should be, and it’s time for you to honor yourself and find ways to get your needs met so you don’t feel so powerless.

    For any “symptom,” it may also be helpful to understand secondary gain. Ask yourself, “How is being this way getting me love, attention, and someone to take care of me so I don’t have to take personal responsibility or fail as a human being?”

    5. Find ways to get your needs met. Tell yourself, “I give myself permission to take loving care of myself and do good things for my body and health. I am loved. I am safe.”

    6. Practice consciousness, which is becoming aware of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This allows us to see what’s really going on internally that may be asking for compassion, love, healing, and a new understanding.

    When we ask ourselves, “Why am I thinking, feeling, and acting this way?” we may become aware of core beliefs like “I’m unlovable” or “I’m unworthy.” It’s because of these core beliefs that we’re feeling, thinking, acting, and perceiving the ways we are. Of course we’d treat ourselves badly if we believe we’re fundamentally bad.

    When we understand what the driver really is, we can start healing the childhood wounds that created those beliefs and then shift how we see ourselves. By doing so, we naturally start to think, feel, and act differently.

    —

    This is a process, and it’s different for everybody. The key is to be compassionate and loving with whatever you’re experiencing and to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you. Even if you’re experiencing “symptoms” that seem unacceptable to society, the truth is you’re a beautiful, valuable, lovable being who deserves to heal and is worthy of a wonderful and fulfilling life journey.

  • Yesterday Is Heavy

    Yesterday Is Heavy

  • A Masterpiece and a Work in Progress

    A Masterpiece and a Work in Progress

  • I Promise You Can Still Make a Beautiful Life for Yourself

    I Promise You Can Still Make a Beautiful Life for Yourself

  • What You Need to Hear If You Work Yourself to the Bone

    What You Need to Hear If You Work Yourself to the Bone

    “Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s enough. You are enough.” ~Daniell Koepke

    A couple years ago, a colleague of mine died from overwork.

    In the days leading up to the event, everything was normal. Everyone was working and getting things done. Things were hectic, but there was nothing out of the ordinary with sixty- to eighty-hour workweeks.

    Then one day, she said that she wasn’t feeling well. She disappeared from her desk and checked into a hospital. A few days later, she passed away.

    Sometime later, the hospital determined the cause of death. She had been suffering from heart problems, which had been caused from working long hours. She was in her late twenties.

    When people heard about it, there were widespread feelings of loss and sadness. But there was also another feeling: shock. Death from overwork?

    It’s one of those things you hear about in the news, or somewhere far away. But to hear about it firsthand from someone you knew? It struck home.

    Then I got to thinking: Was I working too many hours? What if I was pushing myself too hard and didn’t realize it? What if the things that I considered normal weren’t normal at all?

    Being surrounded by people with high aspirations gives you certain conceptions of how things “should” be. Yet after the incident, I started to see work in a different light.

    Like so many others, I previously thought pulling long hours was a point of pride. People would brag about how much they work they did on a given week. Feeling exhausted, drained, and stressed were part of the routine.

    That is, until something drastic happens to shatter that belief.

    Lately, I’ve been practicing self-care more and more. I’ve started to value the importance of stopping once in awhile and enjoying the scenery, rather than always rushing forward to the next spot.

    If you’re exhausted from constantly pushing yourself, perhaps these lessons I’ve learned can be valuable to you as well.

    1. Schedule in regular “me” time.

    Someone I know has a “no work” policy on the weekends. That means no emails, no working on projects, no meetings until Monday. To emphasize how strongly he believes in this policy, he expects the same from his employees as well.

    When I heard this, I was skeptical. How could someone get things done if they simply went off the grid like that? I had always equated working longer hours with better results.

    And yet, he said that ever since he dedicated weekends to himself, he is happier, more productive, and more energized overall. Plus, he gets more time to spend with family and pursue his own hobbies.

    So I decided to try it. I scheduled in time dedicated to myself. That meant I could take a walk, watch a show, or whatever, as long as I wasn’t working.

    Setting aside rest periods meant I was forced to get work done during my designated work periods. It took a while to get used to, I admit. But eventually, I started feeling more focused when I was working and more peaceful when I was resting.

    Now, you might not be able to take the whole weekend off or choose your work schedule. Still, you can set aside time for yourself. Try dedicating one hour on a given day to do anything you want.

    You might be surprised at how refreshed you feel afterward.

    2. “No” can be the best answer.

    When someone asks you to do them a favor, how do you respond? Do you dive in, ready to help? Or do you take a step back and evaluate what to do?

    Whenever anyone asked me for assistance, I would feel obligated to help. If I didn’t give the person some of my time, I would feel guilty and think I was a bad person. Even if the person didn’t really expect my help in the first place, I would still feel as if I should have done something, somehow.

    But I’ve gradually realized that it’s okay to say “no.” I can’t agree to every single request or help everyone who asks for it. I only have a limited amount of time and energy, so I have to choose how to spend it.

    Of course, we all have obligations that we need to fulfill, even if we don’t feel like it. Certain people in our lives rely on us. For instance, I need to answer an email from a client, or you might need to pick up your child after school.

    At the same time, you don’t need to carry the world on your shoulders. Declining an invitation or a request doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply means you’re spending your time on the things that matter most.

    3. You deserve a rest.

    For the longest time, I was hesitant about taking holidays because it meant I wasn’t working. And if I wasn’t working, I wasn’t making progress. I felt the need to simply keep going.

    However, I have since found that those periods of rest can be periods of immense growth. When I step away from my regular routine, it gives me the opportunity to try new things and explore. It enables me to see new ideas that I can integrate into my work and life.

    For instance, traveling has shown me there’s more than one way to live and be happy. While many spend their lives running to the next big thing, many more choose to make the most of what’s around them.

    It can be addictive to run yourself ragged, I know. Your heart beats faster, you feel the thrill of a rush, and your brain feels like it’s about to burst with all your ideas and plans. You’re constantly going, going, going, with no stop to it.

    But chasing that feeling is also damaging your health in the long run.

    If your head is hurting or you feel tired, take a rest. You are not lazy for needing a break. It’s your body’s way of telling you that it’s been running at full speed for far too long.

    Listen to your body.

    —

    It’s not a waste of time to pause work.

    I’ve been trying to balance out that desire to keep pushing forward, while stopping to soak in all the good things around me right now. It isn’t always easy, but I’ve been making it a point to dedicate some time to myself regularly.

    I hope that you have been achieving things that you’ve been working on. But I also hope that you’re taking care of yourself and taking a moment to appreciate all that you’ve achieved already.

    When you stop and look around, your surroundings come into clearer focus.

  • Free Online Collective Trauma Summit (Starts 9/22)

    Free Online Collective Trauma Summit (Starts 9/22)

    When I started Tiny Buddha, one of my main goals was to help us all heal the traumas that haunt us and hold us back in life. In much the same way that our personal traumas hinder us each individually, our collective trauma adversely affects the whole world. And healing that trauma is critical for the future of humanity and the planet.

    If, like me, you want to do your part to help us all heal the wounds that are passed down through generations, I highly recommend checking out the Collective Trauma Summit, a free, 10-day online event starting on Tuesday, September 22nd.

    This powerful summit will bring together over 45 experts on the topic of collective healing including leading psychotherapists, visionaries, researchers, performers, poets, and peacemakers in the world.

    With panel discussions, guided meditations, and performances by acclaimed poets and musicians, the Collective Trauma Summit will surely help us find strength and healing through this intense period of massive upheaval and change.

    Click here to register for free and watch a short video about the summit

    During this free event, which you can access from any internet-enabled device, there will 4-5 daily talks, each available for a 48-hour period. The summit will cover a range of collective trauma topics, including:

    • How personal and collective trauma are intimately linked
    • How intergenerational and ancestral trauma operates in individuals and family lineages
    • The triggering of racial and cultural trauma and what we can do to shift and transform it for real change
    • Why healing collective trauma is critical for the future of our planet
    • What we can do to address and resolve war and long-standing conflicts
    • What we can learn from the recent health care and pandemic crisis

    Some of the featured experts include:

    • Gabor Maté – Bestselling Author, Speaker
    • Valarie Kaur – Seasoned Civil Rights Activist & Bestselling Author
    • Daniel J. Siegel, MD – Bestselling Author, Founder of the Mindsight Institute
    • Joy Harjo – Poet Laureate of the United States
    • Rick Hanson, Ph.D. – Psychologist, Senior Fellow of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, & New York Times Best-Selling Author
    • Priya Parker – Master Facilitator, Strategic Advisor, Acclaimed Author & Host of the New York Times Podcast, “Together Apart”
    • Mark Wolynn – Director of the Family Constellation Institute
    • Sharon Salzberg – Meditation Teacher, Co-Founder of the Insight Meditation Society, Bestselling Author
    • Angel Acosta – Principal, Acosta Consulting; a leader in bridging the gaps between leadership, social justice, and mindfulness.
    • Margaret Wheatley – Bestselling Author of 10 Books, President of The Berkana Institute
    • Stephen W. Porges – Founding Director of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium, Indiana University
    • Charles Eisenstein – Speaker and Author
    • Ruth King – Founder of Mindful of Race Institute

    Collective trauma affects every one of us, but not everyone will acknowledge and address it—which is why people like us need to come together with open hearts and minds to explore how we can end needless suffering and heal the wounds that carry through generations.

    To help support and accelerate a much-needed global shift, click the link below to register for free:

    Register for the Collective Trauma Summit

    When you register, you’ll get free access to the first chapter of host Thomas Hübl’s upcoming book, Healing Collective Trauma, that will be published in the fall. 

    I hope you find this event both inspiring and illuminating!

  • Self-Love Is a Constant Choice

    Self-Love Is a Constant Choice

  • Seeing My Friends Happy

    Seeing My Friends Happy

  • Why It’s Okay Not to Have Everything Under Control

    Why It’s Okay Not to Have Everything Under Control

    “Relax. Nothing is under control.” ~Adi Da Samraj

    This has been an incredibly difficult, stressful, and uncertain year for me, as it has been for most people.

    If I was told a year ago that in 2020, my work hours as a healthcare professional would be reduced, I would be quarantined for months in a small one-bedroom apartment with my boyfriend of seven months, I’d gain fifteen pounds in a few months, and I wouldn’t be able to travel to other countries, I would have rolled my eyes, laughed in disbelief, and thought to myself whoever is delivering this information had eaten one too many Cocoa Puffs.

    The truth is these past nine months, starting from before the pandemic, have been some of the most challenging times, both emotionally and mentally, that I have ever experienced.

    A little backstory: Prior to early November, I was working two part-time jobs. After some thought and deliberation, I decided that I was going to quit one job (of course the one that provided my health insurance) because I couldn’t keep working eleven-hour shifts while commuting an additional two hours in Chicago traffic to be at this clinic.

    Working these two jobs had drained me, and I’d stopped taking care of myself. So, I took a leap and decided to quit one of them in early November. At least I had until the end of the month to figure out what to do about health insurance. And honestly, how much could really happen in a month?

    I devised a plan to slowly increase my hours at my other job. Come the end of November, I ended up having a surprise “change in my health status.” This really shocked me and threw a curve ball since I would lose my group medical insurance at the end of November. Since I didn’t want to pay $700 a month in COBRA insurance, I decided to pay out-of-pocket so I could keep seeing my healthcare provider in December to address my change in health status.

    What are the chances that this would happen? How unlucky could this timing be? Why now?

    Then in December, my health status changed again. Lucky for me, I did not need to worry about continuing to pay to see my healthcare provider again. However, I did have a nice bill from those December visits with my primary care provider.

    I thought to myself, well this can only get better… right?

    Then in February, I got in a car accident while I was driving to work. My car got totaled. Fortunately, both the other diver and I were fine. But we’ll just say these past few months were off to a rough start.

    So, once the Coronavirus started to accelerate in March and my work hours were reduced, I didn’t even know what to think. With the pandemic, all this uncertainty really came full force. I remember staying up into the wee hours of the morning the week of March 16th with a heavy knot in my stomach reading all the articles I could about Coronavirus to try to make sense of what was happening.

    Instead of it making sense, panic started to fill me. I couldn’t stop texting friends every new article I could find about how the Coronavirus was continuing to affect others and spread. My friends in turn would text me similar articles, which only perpetuated the fear.

    This apprehension and restlessness wouldn’t stop. It grew and grew until it was the only thing in the room with me. It was all I could think about.

    I worried about my family and friends. Every article I read seemed to contradict the previous one. I worried about finances. I didn’t know what to believe. I worried about my job. Even now with the pandemic continuing, it’s still so confusing.

    These past nine months have really reinforced why it is okay not to have everything under control.

    The valuable lessons I’ve learned about control (or lack thereof) are helping to decrease my anxiety levels when I become overwhelmed and stressed. I hope this might help others who may feel similarly in these uncertain times.

    1. Life is full of uncertainties, and that’s okay.

    It’s human nature to want to have control and explanations for pretty much everything. It helps us stay at ease and somewhat sane. However, life really is a series of uncertain events.

    Yes, we have control over some things—like our actions. But when it comes down to it, we don’t have control over many things—like a pandemic, other people, the weather, accidents…

    It’s about being comfortable navigating through uncertainty. The more I am okay with not knowing everything, the more at peace I feel.

    2. Focus on the journey, not the destination.

    During times of stress this year, such as with my car accident, change in health status, or the pandemic, my mind would always go into fast-forward mode. Suddenly in my head I would skip to five years into the future.

    How am I going to buy a house with all this money that I am paying toward bills? With the pandemic, will my loved ones and I be okay? Will I have a stable job?

    This thinking pattern helped me realize that all anyone can really do is stay in the present moment. Especially in a case like the Coronavirus, going too far into the future with my fears and uncertainties will only add unnecessary stress to my life, since I have no idea what’s coming, or when.

    Yes, we can take precautions. However, it is also important to also realize that worrying constantly solves nothing in the long run. It only creates more problems to fixate on and takes us away from life and all the precious moments that are unfolding around us in the present.

    3. Make changes in your life that may be scary.

    Since I am doing contract work, I am now on a private individual insurance plan (which is not cheap). However, because my work caseload has been cut in half, I decided to go out of my comfort zone and take a job halfway across the country for a year because it offers healthcare benefits and the chance to grow professionally.

    I feel like this is taking a big leap traveling across the country with my boyfriend during a pandemic. However, I also believe life is short, and now is the time to continue to make changes to keep evolving.

    4. There are lessons every day.

    Let me tell you, I have not always had the best emergency fund prepared. It’s been in the back of my mind but not a priority until everything hit the fan for me in November. If this isn’t the universe sending some kind of strong message, I am not sure what it is.

    I have learned to start putting money into an emergency fund, and to use it more wisely. To not take my health for granted. To really appreciate and enjoy quality time with family and friends. This year has also taught me that nothing is guaranteed, and in an instant, everything can be taken away.

    5. The only constant in life is inner joy.

    I used to believe the quote that the only constant in life was change. This was before I traveled to Thailand and stayed at a yoga retreat two years ago. One day when my friend and I were taking a meditation class, our teacher, Ulf, told us that the only constant in life is inner joy. The more I think about this statement, the more I agree.

    Nobody can take your inner joy away. No matter how hard life gets, it’s important to find joy. So even though it can be quite challenging at times, that is what I have been trying to do more consciously.

    Taking a walk and finding joy in the sunshine. Talking to a friend on the phone that I haven’t reached out to in over a year. Eating a meal made from scratch. Cuddling with my boyfriend. Joy can be found even in hard and dark times because it comes from within. Nobody can take joy away except for ourselves.

    —

    For all of you out there who are having a difficult time with all this uncertainty, here’s to being okay with not knowing and finding inner joy when everything seems to be unraveling and out of our control. Here’s to dealing with life and all of its uncertainties with openness and awe. Here’s to living.

  • What You Need to Know About Motherhood If You Feel Lost

    What You Need to Know About Motherhood If You Feel Lost

    “Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed.” ~Linda Wooten

    It was October of 2016 and there I was staring at the wall after yet another sleepless night, nursing my one-year-old, and feeling like a total failure because this motherhood thing still didn’t feel at all natural to me. Why couldn’t I tap easily into my motherly instinct? Why did I feel that, instead of completing me, becoming a mom was actually making me fall apart?

    I always knew I wanted to be a mother. It was a given in my case. And, like many little girls, I grew up romanticizing the idea. I couldn’t wait to be one.

    Even when I began to understand that things could get hard (because babies don’t sleep right?), I was still confident that with my love, strength, and sheer drive I could surmount it all. Like many of us, I believed being a mom comes naturally to women, that we’re born to be mothers, so even when we struggle, our instinct eventually kicks in and we’re able to figure it out.

    Fast forward to a year later and I can honestly tell you that my love, strength, and drive were simply not enough. The truth was that becoming a mom ripped my identity apart. It made me question everything. I didn’t recognize myself anymore and my self-confidence was in the dump. I felt I had broken into a million pieces and I didn’t know how to put them back together.

    It took eighteen months of total overwhelm and endless questions without answers for me to finally understand that the old me was never coming back. Everything had shifted.

    For the longest time it felt like I was drowning, desperately looking for a lifeline. What I was really looking for was my own permission to want more than being a mother and the courage and self-love to go for it. I realized my identity had been lost to mothering and it was time to take it back.

    I reached out for help, went to therapy, and hired a coach. I gave myself the space to mourn the loss of my old self and began to slowly redefine myself as a mom and a woman. Throughout my journey I’ve worked endlessly to boost my strength, courage, and self-confidence and to build my self-worth and step into the world as a new me.

    Here are five things I learned about motherhood in that journey that I wish someone had told me back then when I was feeling so lost:

    1. It’s not you. You’re not the problem. It’s not in your head.

    As I struggled to understand what was happening to me when I became a mom, I sincerely thought that I was the only one feeling this way. That I would never be able to measure up and be both the old and the new me. That it was only me who was always feeling less than regardless of what I did. But as I dug deeper into how other mothers felt, I realized that there are actual terms for what we mothers experience. I never felt so relieved and validated than when I first learned about them.

    The academic study of the transformation of woman to mother is referred to as matrescence, a term first coined back in 1973 by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael. Matrescence is the complete transformation (physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual) a woman experiences when she becomes a mother.

    Think of it like adolescence. Remember being a teenager when hormones were all over the place, you were questioning everything, and you didn’t feel like yourself anymore? Pretty much the same thing is happening when you become a mom, only this time around you’re expected to be cool and happy about it, not awkward and lost.

    And the inner split in matrescence refers to the feeling of being divided between the person we used to be and the mother we are becoming. It’s not just us or in our heads. It’s a REAL identity shift and the reason why we constantly feel pulled in every direction except the one we want to go in.

    2. The expectations the world places on mothers and women are at odds.

    On top of our individual struggles in becoming a mom, we also have an added layer of the expectations and beliefs society as a whole has placed on us as women and mothers that don’t support us in this journey.

    There’s a huge pressure for us to strive to have it all: to lean into a successful career and at the same time be a great and dedicated mother and partner at home—not to mention an endless array of other shoulds. But if you look at them closely, the expectations we all have of what a good mother should be versus what a successful woman must do are at complete odds.

    For me, this was my biggest source of guilt. Always trying to be loving, dedicated, and almost martyr-like for my kids, while simultaneously trying to have a successful career that I needed to be equally dedicated to. Needless to say, I felt like I was falling short on all fronts.

    It wasn’t until I understood that I was using external definitions of success to measure myself that I began to look at what being a good mother and successful woman really meant to me. And when I started giving myself the permission to only do what felt right for me, I started feeling more at peace with my daily decisions.

    3. Motherhood is hard. You’re not alone. It’s a shared experience yet few speak of it that way.

    Motherhood is full of contradictions. There’s no right or wrong. Joy, love, guilt, sadness, and anger coexist side by side. The daily shuffle can feel like a grind or a blessing. Yet none of us feel safe expressing this. Nobody has told us that what we’re feeling is not only normal but also expected given the massive identity shift that we’re experiencing when becoming moms. And since nobody talks about this, we don’t realize it’s actually a shared experience by all mothers around the world.

    We need to allow women to express the full spectrum of emotions when it comes to motherhood. No mother should feel alone in this journey. I’ve learned that this is why sharing our stories is so important. And why reaching out, speaking up, and building a community of other mom friends that can help and lift each other up is vital to our journey.

    4. Feeling guilty for wanting more may be a good sign.

    Oh, mom guilt. All moms know that’s one ugly sucker to be stuck in. You feel guilty for not wanting to be a mom all the time. For not being present with your kids when you are with them. For not being the perfect partner. For needing to mentally check out of your daily life every once in a while. For craving space. For taking space! And the list goes on and on.

    My guilt used to eat me up. It would paralyze me and prevent me from taking action. My days were flying by without me enjoying anything for me, for my own sake, because I felt so guilty not doing what I thought I was supposed to do. As I began my healing journey, I realized that if I continued this way, my guilt would turn into resentment and to move out of resentment is much harder to do than from guilt.

    Nowadays, I view my guilt differently. I take it as a sign that I’m not in alignment with what I really want or need. It’s just one more way my soul is calling me out and telling me I’m ready to start moving forward with what I actually want in life.

    When I feel my guilt creeping up, I take a pause and remind myself that I’m more than just a mom, than a partner, than my job. That there’s nothing wrong with wanting more than what I’ve got. And after a deep breath I ask myself, “What do I really need?” and I go do it.

    5. This is your chance to completely redefine yourself.

    Probably the most important thing I’ve learned is that motherhood can be a catalyst for change. The loss of identity I felt when I became a mother embarked me on a journey of self-discovery.

    I’ve had to shatter old beliefs and expectations on what I should be and do. Step by step, I’ve rebuilt my self-confidence and redefined who I am now. I work daily on ensuring that I’m aligned with what I really need and want to feel vibrant, balanced, and free.

    Motherhood is a journey of unraveling, redefining, and rebuilding, and no mom should feel alone, unseen, and unheard in what probably is her greatest challenge to date: the discovery of who she’s really meant to be.

  • I Myself Am Entirely Made of Flaws

    I Myself Am Entirely Made of Flaws