Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • How to Be Successfully Content with Your Life

    How to Be Successfully Content with Your Life

    “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” ~Maya Angelou

    Color within the lines. Math, physics and chemistry—there’s absolutely no point in taking drama. A main meal of straight A’s and a side order of volunteer work. A four-year degree with a “safe” major from a reputable college. Then comes the corner cubicle career at a listed company. What about the four-bedroom house and the annual holidays abroad? We can’t possibly forget about those things

    All through life, from infancy to adulthood, we are told what it means to be successful. We are given a textbook definition, based purely on societal constructs that have existed for far too long without critical questioning, and then expected to attain this success without any consideration given to individualism—a core characteristic of what it means to be human.

    Not so long ago, I would have happily been the poster child for a successful young adult who was on a clear trajectory toward even more success.

    I colored only in my coloring book in a demure manner, using colors that were realistic and often leaving some of the more obscure colors completely untouched, while my younger brother scribbled unhinged and feverishly on just about every reachable surface with absolutely all the colors in his crayon box.

    When I got to high school, I swapped writing and performing in plays for physics and chemistry because I needed something more credible for my college applications. I was rewarded for this choice by being accepted into one of the most revered schools in the country, while some of my peers failed to even graduate from high school.

    And so, I continued with this mindset into university where I spent countless all-nighters studying in lieu of socializing and well, to be quite honest, actually living my life.

    I distinctly remember one night in particular when an old love interest called me up to say that he’d like nothing more than to pick me up and take me out just like he’d done dozens of times before.

    I recall heartily laughing at his admission mostly because of that fact that he’d recently moved across the country. I also vividly recall his excitement as he explained that he was on a surprise trip back in the city. The excitement, however, was short-lived as I insisted on staying indoors to study for a test and in doing so rejected what was one of the most grand and sincerest gestures that has ever been extended to me.

    Once again, my one-track minded behavior was rewarded, and I graduated summa cum laude.

    I entered the workforce with the same vigor and intention to excel that I’d now been wholly ingrained with. I worked long hours, traveled extensively, and missed out on everything from birthdays to bachelorettes. The most horrifying part was that I barely felt a shred of remorse because—you guessed it—my absenteeism was rewarded with more perks and more promotions.

    Everything was going swimmingly. According to my bank account, my LinkedIn profile, and the suburb I lived in, I was successful. And just think, there was even more yet to come.

    Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been thrown a curveball, but it’s something completely and utterly unexpected. One day you’re casually walking down the street, daydreaming about the perfect outfit for tomorrow’s not at all planned “run-in” with the office building cutie, when a tiny unknown object flies straight into your eye leaving you with the distinct feeling that you’re going to be left permanently blind.

    If you think that this sounds a little too detailed in description to be just a vague and random example, you’re right. Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened to me one bright and sunny spring day on my way back to the office from a quick lunch.

    What I remember most was not so much the excruciating pain but the fear of what was going to happen to my eye as an endless stream of tears cascaded down my face. I walked briskly into the bathroom and tried my best to wash out any debris that may have been the source of my painful discomfort and profound anxiety.

    I looked up at the mirror and anxiously inspected my eye. Never mind bloodshot and red, my eye was an almond-shaped pool of scarlet with absolutely no remnants of any white sclera. No matter what I did, the tears just wouldn’t stop.

    Never one to be a loud alarmist, I made my way into the office and calmly informed my co-workers of what my innocent casual stroll down the road had resulted in. Expecting a rush of panic and swift assistance, I was instead met with questions around my month-end numbers that were needed to compile the final monthly report. Not even the gesture of fetching the first-aid kit which I knew was stowed in a nearby filing cabinet had been made.

    As fiercely independent as I am, throughout my life I have always been, and gratefully still am, surrounded by exceptionally caring friends and family who have always readily come to my aid when the situation demanded it. I was, therefore, seriously shell-shocked by my co-workers’ demeanor of being blatantly unbothered by my medical emergency.

    After the stunned realization had passed, I provided my month-end numbers, grabbed my car keys and announced that I’d be leaving to seek medical attention. I was still deathly scared, but I knew that it was solely up to me to remedy this awful situation.

    I was, thankfully, able to find a nearby medical center, and I hastily made my way into the emergency room. Compared to the cold reception of my coworkers, the staff at the medical center were an absolute Godsend. They warmly talked me through the procedure of needing to flush out my eye with an orange fluorescein dye that would be used to detect any foreign bodies.

    It’s an eerie and especially frightening feeling being all alone on a medical bed with bright lights shining directly on your face while unknown medical professionals try to ascertain your fate. After what felt like hours, the attending doctor confidently announced that my eye was in fact free of any foreign particles and that I was most likely still experiencing the abrasion that the particle had left.

    She prescribed some antibacterial serum and sent me home with a very pirate-esque eye patch. Still visibly shaken and somewhat skeptical of the good doctor’s diagnosis, I slowly drove home all the while continuously trying to calm myself down.

    Just as I got home, I received several messages from work with the main inquiry not centered around my well-being, but rather around the need for me to be at a very important client meeting that afternoon, as I was the only one with the on-the-ground knowledge needed to chair the meeting.

    An incredulous wave of confusion swept over me as I struggled to comprehend my reality. My mom, who had serendipitously been visiting me, expertly comforted and soothed me. After washing my face and changing my clothes, I felt a little more clear-headed and decided to attend the client meeting.

    With an eye-patch and an emptiness I’ll never be able to fully articulate, I drove to the client meeting with a firm resolve that today would be the day I start defining what success means to me, because it surely couldn’t be what I’d experienced earlier that day.

    From here I started, and in many ways, I’m still continuing, my journey of carving out a definition of success—one that truly and indisputably aligns with my authentic self.

    I took the decision to re-evaluate all that I’d been told my entire life about what it means to be successful, all that I’d done so far and all that I wanted for my future.

    I have since cast away the stifling societal definition of what it means to be successful and replaced it with one that better suits my values and true ambitions, which have very little to do with the heftiness of my bank balance or the grand title that I bear as a professional.

    To me, success is consistently showing up for my loved ones and spending meaningful time nurturing the relationships that bring me irrefutable joy, by being truly present and engaging, and not sending a last-minute apology text for missing a date or a pricey present for forgetting a birthday, as I’ve done so many times in the past.

    Success means being healthy. And I don’t mean the “I can hike up that mountain in under an hour” kind of healthy. Well, that would be quite nice, but what I’m referring to goes beyond just physical health. In my mind, being healthy also includes my mental, emotional, and spiritual health and well-being in addition to whether or not I can keep up with my Pilates instructor.

    Success is also my tangible contribution to the world I live in. Not the taxes that I pay or the sporadic donations that I make toward charities with beneficiaries that far outweigh the aid that they receive, but rather the direct impact that my actions have on another human life.

    In practice, my new and still evolving definition of success means that I no longer prioritize work over my loved ones or my health.

    My sense of urgency around deadlines and work commitments has been tempered with the realization that there will always be a fire to put out or a contract to win. I liken the working world to the scene of a rowdy morning fish market with countless fishmongers vying for your attention as you race from one deadline to the next, so it falls upon you to be deliberate about how you expend your energy at work.

    I am also more mindful of switching off from work when I virtually log off or physically leave the office. I can happily admit that I am far more than content to step away from my job should something more pressing in my personal life demand my attention.

    This is not to say that I have resigned myself to a B-grade performance—I honestly think that there is something in my DNA that prevents me from not being the meticulous individual that I am. It’s more the case that I do not spend ludicrous amounts of time perfecting a report and I no longer agree to take on far more than what my capacity allows simply for the sake of wanting to appease my superiors. I continuously strive to maintain my commitment to delivering excellence; however, it is no longer at the expense of my personal happiness and well-being.

    I have also started paying more attention to my mind, spirit, and body.

    If I am anxious about unpleasant thoughts, I spend a few minutes calmly doing some deep breathing.

    If I am disheartened by the actions of the world, I gently remind myself that in the midst of darkness and injustice there are precious slivers of light and goodness that will always prevail.

    If I am tired, I hang up the phone and sleep.

    If I am hungry, I stop what I’m doing and find something to nourish my body.

    All obvious cues that I had once upon a time either been utterly oblivious to or blatantly ignored.

    Most importantly, I have opted to dedicate more of my time—and not merely my careless money—toward aiding causes that resonate with my desire to bridge disparity gaps and advocate for accessible education.

    By far, this has been the most rewarding aspect of the change in direction of my life journey, which I would undoubtedly attribute to my willingness to redefine what success means to me. And sure, there are times when I revert back to old habits, but I am much kinder to myself these days, and so I get up the next day and just try again.

    We’re not often told this, but your definition of success is exactly that—yours.

    We’ve unquestioningly taken the standard societal definition of success, which has left many of us running helter-skelter chasing our own tails trying to win a race we never even signed up for.

    Defining what success means to you may just be the first step in seeking the peace and contentment that we all so desperately desire.

  • Do More of That

    Do More of That

  • When Life Feels Too Hard: How to Mindfully Get Through the Day

    When Life Feels Too Hard: How to Mindfully Get Through the Day

    NOTE: This post contains a giveaway – details at the bottom of the post!

    “If today gets difficult, remember the smell of coffee, the way sunlight bounces off a window, the sound of your favorite person’s laugh, the feeling when a song you love comes on, the color of the sky at dusk, and that we are here to take care of each other.” ~Nanea Hoffman

    I am currently exhausted. Absolutely beat. I’ve taken on more work than I can comfortably accomplish in my available time, I’ve been feeling under the weather for a while, and my eighteen-month-old son is in yet another sleep regression.

    Whether I’m caring for him or working, I am almost always doing something, seven days a week. And like many of us, I feel I have very few outlets for fun and relaxation, even if I do find the time, given the limitations of the pandemic.

    I know I have little to complain about. I am relatively healthy, and so are the people I love. I have all my basic needs met. And I have a lot to appreciate. But still, my days feel overwhelming and hard.

    Maybe you can relate—and maybe for you it’s even worse.

    Maybe you’re struggling with mental health issues from months of isolation. Or you’re trying to figure out how to pay your bills because you’ve lost your job or some of your hours. Or you’re dealing with a sick loved one, and the responsibility feels like far too much to bear.

    If you’re in that overwhelmed place right now—if you’re frustrated and burnt out or at the end of your rope—I get it. I really do. And I don’t have any simple answers for those very real, and perhaps seemingly insurmountable problems.

    I can say, though, that things aren’t always what they seem. And no matter what’s coming down the road, there are a few things we can all do to help ourselves get through this day. Our sanity intact. So we’re less harried, more grounded, and better able to handle whatever the future may bring.

    Here are a few mindful ways I approach the day when everything feels like too much:

    1. Only do what you can accomplish by single tasking.

    I find it incredibly hard to be present when I have to do multiple things at once because I feel like I’m failing at all of them, and inevitably get caught in my head, judging myself and my efforts.

    I also don’t enjoy anything when I’m overlapping tasks—even if some of them could otherwise be enjoyable, like spending time with my son or writing. It’s like having twenty tabs open in my mind, with music and video clips and Netflix shows playing simultaneously. All good things, but not all at once!

    Even in normal times, parents in particular have to multitask—there’s just so much to do between childcare, housework, and actual work. But still, I’ve realized I can ask for help with a lot and simply let some things go. I can wash the dishes later. Or make a non-cook lunch. Or not do some of the little things I’d like to do but don’t actually have to do for this site.

    This isn’t easy for perfectionists. We want to think we can do it all—and do it all well. And if we can’t, we’re hard on ourselves. But I’ve begun to tell myself, at the end of the day, if I can’t reasonably accomplish everything on my to-do list, the problem isn’t me, it’s my workload.

    So do one thing at a time, and if you feel you simply can’t, ask yourself if that’s really true, or if you’re just attached to your busyness—because you feel productive, or it gives you a sense of control, or it allows you to avoid emotions you maybe don’t want to face.

    2. Allow yourself to enjoy the little things.

    It sounds cliché, and I know it is, but this really is a lifesaver. When your days feel overwhelming, those little moments can go a long way toward creating a feeling of balance, even if life isn’t so balanced right now.

    Take the five minutes to savor your tea or coffee instead of scrolling and swiping your way through it. Dance to your favorite song and belt out the lyrics, really feeling them in your heart. Take a few minutes to look at the moon and stars at night and get lost for a minute in the evening’s beauty and the vastness of the universe.

    The other night, after a particularly taxing experience with my son, I noticed that the moon looked like someone had painted it. It was truly stunning—full and far more orange than usual—and I can’t remember having seen it quite so beautiful ever before.

    So I stared. I didn’t try to stop thinking, I just did because it was so spectacular. And after a few minutes I felt calmer. I had meditated without even trying simply by appreciating something I may otherwise have missed—despite it being massive and right up in the sky for me to see.

    Take a little time to be amazed by something you won’t enjoy unless you consciously choose to focus on it. See the things you can’t see when you’re rushing. Hear the things you can’t hear when you’re stressing. Get so caught up in your senses that everything else seems to stop for a moment—because things don’t actually stop. So we have to be the ones to do it.

    3. If you start worrying about the future or regretting the past, make an inventory of your current strengths.

    Hard days are infinitely more difficult when we relive hard days past or worry about potential hard days coming. But our minds are like magnets to negative things when we start indulging defeatist thoughts. It’s like we put on a grey filter and then look back and forth through time with a dark, depressing spotlight.

    So instead of rehashing the past or worrying about the future, focus on all the strengths you have right now that will prevent you from making the same mistakes and help you handle whatever is coming.

    Think about all you’ve overcome and how that’s shaped you. Maybe you’re resourceful, or adaptable, or open-minded. Maybe you’re determined, or disciplined, or empathetic in a way that helps you connect with people and create strong support systems.

    Instead of worrying about what the world can do to you, find strength in who you’ve become because of what you’ve been through—and trust, in this moment, that you can rely on those strengths to serve you well, no matter what the future holds.

    And then, even better: Find a way to use one of those strengths right now.

    The other day I started worrying about my plans for early next year because a lot is up in the air right now and—as always—there’s a lot I can’t control.

    Then I remembered that, because I have put myself in many new situations throughout my life, I am always adaptable and resourceful. I find a way to make things work and make the best of things, even if I don’t always trust I will be able to do it in the future.

    So right in that moment, when I was feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin, I chose to make the best of my situation by putting on music I enjoy and taking a break from work to watch my son dance. The day wasn’t perfect, but that moment was, because I made it so.

    4. Practice tiny acts of self-care.

    There was a time when I had abundant opportunities for self-care. Pre-baby, I could easily do an hour-and-a-half yoga class and also fit in a walk on the beach and maybe even a bath.

    These days I am more likely to do ten minutes of stretching or five minutes of deep breathing to ocean sounds (since I no longer live near the beach) or take a mindful shower.

    There was a time when I thought those things weren’t worth the effort. I’m an all-or-nothing person! But a day with twenty-five minutes of self-care, spaced out, feels far better than a day with no self-care at all.

    Here are a few more of my favorite tiny acts of self-care:

    • Reading one chapter or a few pages of a book for pleasure
    • Doing a facial mask to feel cleaner and rejuvenated
    • Doing absolutely nothing for five minutes—just sitting and letting myself be
    • Calling someone I love to catch up
    • Lying with my legs up a wall to soothe my muscles and relax my mind
    • Applying lotion to my hands and massaging it in to relieve tension
    • Eating something healthy or drinking a green juice instead of having a processed snack
    • Doodling for a few minutes and reconnecting with my creative brain
    • Checking in with myself and asking, “What do I need right now?” Then giving it to myself, whether it’s a break, a glass of water, or a walk around the room.
    • Doing something I enjoyed a kid, like making up a stupid dance to a song I love

    5. Practice radical self-appreciation.

    I find that hard days are a lot easier when I’m easier on myself. Not always easy to do when the day feels hard because I often find a way to blame myself for the difficulty. Like I’m just not good enough or strong enough. Or I didn’t make the right choices, and that’s why things feel so hard now.

    To counter this, I try to imagine I’m watching someone I love living my life and think of what I’d tell them if they felt overwhelmed or down on themselves.

    I have even gotten into the habit of mentally calling myself “sister” sometimes—kind of weird, I know—because I am always highly empathetic toward my sister.

    So when I’m struggling, I might say, “Sister, you’re doing great! No one I know can do as much as you, or as well!”

    And then as a more preemptive act of self-appreciation, I try to check in with myself throughout the day to note things I’m doing well. And sometimes it’s not about doing, but about being.

    Great job being understanding when you really wanted to judge.

    Good on you for being thoughtful when you could have been swept up in your own stuff.

    Way to go on cutting yourself some slack—right now—even though you feel like you sucked at life today!

    I know from personal experience that hard days feel even more draining when we beat ourselves up every step of the way. It’s like walking through a storm carrying your own flailing, screaming twin on your back.

    The storm won’t be any less ferocious because we’re kinder to ourselves, but the journey is much less taxing when we consciously choose to love ourselves through it.

    —

    **This was post was edited to remove a giveaway that has since ended.

  • You Will Feel Better Than This

    You Will Feel Better Than This

  • How Curiosity Can Improve Your Relationships and Your Life

    How Curiosity Can Improve Your Relationships and Your Life

    “I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.” ~Albert Einstein

    When speaking to a parent recently, she said, “I have made it a rule that my kids read every day for an hour. There are no two ways about it. They now do it and it is great, but I have noticed that they have stopped asking questions, they have stopped being curious, and they look dull, and that bothers me.”

    Strange that reading would dull their curiosity instead of sparking it. But beyond that, this conversation got me curious—about curiosity.

    Why is it important to be curious? And is it even possible to stop being curious?

    Do you remember when you were a child, just grabbing anything and everything and looking at it from all angles, exploring what it was?

    Do you remember being obsessed with asking “Why?” till the crack of dawn because you were fascinated with the mystery?

    Do you remember feeling the wonder in your eye, the sparkle of fascination as you looked at an ant or a worm as if it were magic?

    As I think about it, I feel like there are two fundamental aspects of living—“being” and “doing.”  Curiosity, I feel, is a quality of “being.”

    Curiosity is taking the time to know something, to revel in the moment with wonder and fascination, to go beyond the limitations of the mind, time, perceptions, rules, and expectations.

    A curious mind is a mind that expands and grows, a mind that is fascinated with life, that is fully alive and bubbles with questions and wonders. It is a mind that is keen and observes and is limitless. It is a mind that is sharp and sees beyond the obvious.

    People with curious minds seem to lead fuller lives. If you think about it, they are likely to explore and seize more opportunities because they’re curious about where it could lead, they are likely to connect with more people because they are curious about who and how they are, and they try more new things because they’re curious about how much they can do.

    I actually think we are born curious, born in wonder, born into this magical place of being. So then, at what point do we stop being curious?

    My answer was—when we get caught up in the “doing”!

    Running from pillar to post, taking care of family and work, making ends meet, keeping up with the demands of the world and the ones we place on ourselves, it is not so difficult for the balance of life to tip toward “doing” and more “doing.” Curiosity can take a back seat and monotony can set in sneakily.

    Curiosity, in my opinion, is that polish that adds a shine to each and every single activity, to the “doing.”

    Like Brian Grazer says in his book A Curious Mind, we are born curious and no matter how much battering curiosity takes, it’s right there, waiting to be awakened… and that, to me, is fantastic news.

    So if you would like to awaken your curiosity, feel fascinated, and share this fascination with others, here are a few simple tips.

    1. Drop the label.

    This is a story about the famous Nobel Prize Winner, scientist Richard Feynman. One day when walking in the garden, he asks his father, “What bird is this?” His father says, “It is a brown-throated thrush” and then goes on to say the name in many different languages. Then he looks at Feynman and says, “Now you know absolutely nothing about the bird except the name.”

    A label closes the mind to an exciting world of possibilities.

    He is an “alcoholic,” She is a “liar,” I am a “failure”—all these are labels that can trap us into one way of perceiving the world around us and, in fact, our own selves too.

    There is a lady I know whom I had unknowingly labeled as “annoying.” Every single time she would call, I would say, “She is so annoying.” So it was no surprise that I would get annoyed because I was interacting with the label I had given her and closed doors to any other way of experiencing her.

    Dropping the label helped me notice that she is so much more—she is funny, she is loving, she is dedicated, she is curious, and much more! Now I still get annoyed sometimes, but it is not the only way I experience her. It feels like a buffet of experiences with her, and I feel freer within myself and more loving toward her, and we in fact share a few laughs every so often.

    And all I did was get curious and ask myself, “What else is she?”

    So how do you describe the people and relationships in your life, your work, your circumstances, yourself?

    And what if you could drop the label of something you think you already know? Look at it as if it were new, as if you knew nothing about it. Drop the label and allow your mind to journey through a world of possibilities. What else could it be? How is this happening?

    Think wild and think free!

    2. Go beyond the limitations of “I am bored” and use the power of “but.”

    Have you found yourself saying, thinking, or feeling “I am so bored”?

    Boredom, in my opinion, is poison to curiosity. It limits the mind.

    Oftentimes, feeling bored is not the problem. The problem is when we stop at that and look no further, when we close the door to an exciting world of possibilities.

    A little trick is to trick the mind using the power of “but.”

    Every time you find yourself saying, “I feel bored,” quickly and emphatically add the word “but” after it.

    I am bored, but let’s do something fun! I feel bored, but how do I even know I am feeling it?

    “But” negates everything that is before it and brings focus to what is after it.

    Even if you don’t find a filler after the “but,” just say “but”… and pause…. and see what happens next. Leave that door open.

    If you think about it, “I’m bored” is such a useless thing to say, isn’t it? We like in such a vast world, and we have barely seen anything, how could one get possibly bored? Look at any situation with curious eyes and allow your mind to wander and create what you want to experience.

    3. Question everything with pure fascination.

    Why are the trees green? Why do birds fly? Why is the sky blue? Why am I not getting that pay raise? Why can’t I lose those ten pounds I want to lose? Why am I doing the job I do now?

    The key is asking questions with pure fascination, as if you were trying to solve a mystery.

    Remember, millions of people saw the apple fall, but Newton asked “Why?”

    Growing up, I was teased about having a flat-ish nose. I felt like I had to have a sharp nose, and my grandmother and I would try to stretch my nose out every morning with oil, as if it were made of clay. Then one day, I remember curiously asking her, “Why is a sharp nose better than a flat one? Do they smell things better?”

    Now, I don’t remember what she said, but I can tell you that I love my nose now and am quite curious and fascinated by what a funny thing it is.

    Can you imagine looking at life, relationships, and work with pure fascination? The world becomes a playground of endless possibilities for the mind that is curious and fascinated.

    So what is one thing in your life you could be fascinated with and curious about, and how could that change things for you?

  • The World Is Changed by Your Example

    The World Is Changed by Your Example

  • Calling Out Bullies: Why You Need to Stand Up for Yourself

    Calling Out Bullies: Why You Need to Stand Up for Yourself

    “Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you overly sensitive. And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them.” ~Lori Deschene

    In Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, the main character Atticus Finch says, “I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”

    What real courage is. 

    The message Atticus Finch provides is simple yet poignant and so often overlooked in our homes, communities, businesses, and society today.

    A quick search on Merriam-Webster reveals their definition of courage to be “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”

    That definition fully supports the message Atticus Finch has been sharing with readers and viewers since the early 1960s.

    However, what it doesn’t support is our society’s narrow-minded view that courage is about being tough, domineering, combative, uncompassionate, and even violent.

    These stereotypes are continuously portrayed in movies and television shows, tolerated in our workplaces, prevalent in politics, and sadly, instilled in our children.

    What real courage means to me is the ability to go against the grain—to stand up for what may not be popular, for what may even get you ostracized, for the betterment of others and yourself.

    I would say a good representation of real courage are those who make the difficult decision to speak out against the bullies on the playground, who grow up and become bullies in the workplace. Something I sadly know a few things about.

    I’ve spent much of my life battling personal insecurities. While professional help has certainly aided in my continual journey to lessen their presence, as anyone who’s struggled with insecurities very well knows, you’re never completely rid of them. You just find ways to manage through and around them.

    My insecurities—like a loyal though unwelcome companion—rendered me timid, non-confrontational, unworthy, fearful, and quiet. When compounded with the reality that I was never athletic—a stereotypical and seemingly necessary characteristic when measuring manliness in society—I was often branded as an easy target for bullies.

    My grandparents, who were always there to offer a compassionate ear without judgment, offered the following advice when I was being bullied at school: “Just walk away and they’ll leave you alone.”

    While my grandparents undoubtedly meant well, their advice didn’t build my self-esteem as much as extinguish what little I had. While their advice did in fact pause the bullying for a short duration, the cycle would continue not long after.

    As I got older, married, and matured naturally with age, my insecurities subsided in many areas, and my days of being bullied seemed like another place and time in an existence now void of such challenges.

    But it wasn’t long before I started to realize that bullies don’t just exist on the playground.

    Sadly, I’ve experienced workplace bullying throughout my career to varying degrees. Through it all, I continually adopted my grandparents’ advice to “just walk away.”

    With workplace bullies often influential and powerful in organizations, it seemed like sound advice, especially given that the ultimate purpose for Human Resources is to protect the company, not its employees.

    But all that changed recently when I volunteered to take some professional development courses on communication, in order to better interact with my peers, as I’m currently a remote employee.

    While we’re taught reading, writing, and arithmetic during our undergraduate education, we’re rarely taught the skills to be an effective communicator.

    Oftentimes what we learn comes from witnessing an exchange of dialogue between those around us—in our homes, our schools, our communities, on television and in the movies, and yes, at our places of employment.

    However, not all the traits we absorb for being an effective communicator are rational or authentic.

    The online platform I’m utilizing suggests other courses to take after completion—one of which was “Bullying in the Workplace.” At first, I was going to bypass the suggestion altogether, but thought maybe there was something I needed to read.

    As it turns out, purposely isolating someone, making it known that you refuse to work with them even though the relationship is warranted, is in fact a bullying technique often referred to as “social bullying through intimidation.”

    Society believes that bullying fits into a neat little compartment. That it has to be aggressive and physically or verbally abusive in nature in order to be branded as such.

    But the reality is that bullying takes on many forms in schools, in businesses, and even in our homes. It’s so much more than just the violent behaviors we see popularized in news headlines and on TV shows, and therefore is often dismissed as nothing more than “personality conflicts.”

    While many consider being bullied as a test of one’s courage, I personally believe the measure of one’s real courage comes after you’ve accused the attacker.

    Sadly, many organizations fail to see bullying as a legitimate complaint, and often show little compassion toward those who bring bullying to their attention. My situation was no different.

    When I finally got up enough courage to make an official accusation that this refusal to work with me was, in fact, bullying, my superiors implied I was being paranoid and overly sensitive, fabricating observations in my head, as though my feelings weren’t warranted at all.

    With the exception of my direct manager, everyone implied I was wasting the companies’ time on a complaint that I suspect they already rendered baseless before a single in-person interview was conducted.

    They never asked me how I was feeling throughout the process. They never told me how courageous it was to bring such a difficult matter to the forefront of the company’s attention in the hopes of making things better for everyone.

    I never felt the company applied empathy to my circumstance, dismissing the consensus from cited research which was meant to provide credibility to my accusation, by claiming they simply couldn’t find any evidence supporting what I was talking about.

    I wish I could say that my workplace bullying complaint was taken seriously, but it wasn’t. It was quickly swept back under the rug after it was brought to management’s attention, leaving me to question if anything positive actually came from the experience.

    Admittedly, my bullying experiences have never reached the incredible magnitude others have been forced to endure, and truthfully, they are more of a shining example of courage than I can ever proclaim myself to be. But I do understand how it feels and that connectedness helps us realize we’re not alone in our plight.

    It’s important to remember that courage doesn’t mean you emerge victorious. It doesn’t mean that the so-called winner in our competitive hierarchy has really won much of anything.

    Courage is standing up for yourself when the risks are many and the possible rewards are few.

    I now know firsthand why so many cases of bullying in the workplace go unreported—why so many wonderful people choose to remain silent and instead leave organizations they truly love rather than stand up for themselves.

    It’s because the organizations they work for have shamefully failed them during times when it mattered most.

    What’s important is that you never give up on yourself, that even when you know you’re licked before you begin, you begin anyway and keep trying to do the right thing, while holding on and moving forward.

    But I want to be clear that unburdening yourself from the suffering of bullying is what real courage is. To risk alienation and retaliation to not only benefit your own life, but the lives of others this person may bully in the future. That’s truly selfless and shows incredible bravery, which often goes unnoticed.

    Those who are bullied and choose to come forward are often blamed and demoralized rather than acknowledged and applauded. What does that say about society when we dismiss these courageous individuals while supporting and promoting the bullies of the world?

    I wish I had the answer, but I don’t. All I can say with certainty is that anyone who comes forward with a claim of bullying is a crowning example of what real courage is. They deserve our trust, compassion, praise, and support, not our judgment.

    Fred Rogers once said, “It’s not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It’s the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff.”

    I stand behind my truth, regardless of the fact that the organization has denied it. And the truth, whether believed or not, is now out there subliminally haunting the accuser and hopefully forcing necessary changes to benefit everyone in the organization.

    Be proud of your truth and firmly stand beside it. Take solace in the fact that even if others do their best to try to discredit what you’re saying and how you’re feeling, at the end of the day the truth is still the truth.

  • Don’t Worry If Someone Doesn’t Like You

    Don’t Worry If Someone Doesn’t Like You

  • Feeling Safe in Someone’s Energy

    Feeling Safe in Someone’s Energy

  • 5 Things You Need to Know If You’re Interested in Meditation

    5 Things You Need to Know If You’re Interested in Meditation

    “The fruit of meditation is not the absence of thoughts, but the fact that thoughts cease to harm us.” ~Bokar Rinpoche

    My inspiration to start meditating came from one of the most unlikely sources—a Star Wars movie.

    When I saw the wise Jedi Master Yoda meditating, I thought that there had to be something more to this than merely sitting silently with your eyes closed.

    Eventually, my curiosity got the better of me, and I decided to find out for myself.

    That was over six years ago. Since then, my life has changed for the better in both subtle and profound ways.

    It has considerably improved my mental clarity and focus and made me feel grounded in my life. The number of unhelpful thoughts in my mind has significantly reduced, and it’s helped me to become more present in my daily life and less on autopilot.

    The relationship with my family members has vastly improved, as I had the habit of being particularly reactive around them. Now that I’ve built the habit of recognizing thoughts and letting them pass, I’m better able to stop myself from unconsciously reacting. Which means I’m more likely to respond from a rational place and less likely to do and say things I regret.

    It’s also made it easier for me to deal with cravings and urges, and I’ve developed a kind of will power and self-control that I have never had before.

    However, it hasn’t always been easy. And in some ways, I made it harder on myself.

    Here are some things I’ve learned over the years of practicing meditation that I wish I knew when I first started out.

    1. Be easy on yourself.

    When it came to meditation, this was something I had trouble with.

    On far too many occasions, I would find myself lost in my thoughts or drifting in and out of sleep while meditating, and I’d then become frustrated.

    It took me years of meditating before I finally realized that being frustrated or hard on yourself for not being able to meditate doesn’t make anything better.

    One of the main reasons why we find meditation difficult is because we enter it with a goal-oriented mindset, expecting our minds to calm down within a very limited timeframe.

    It’s the failure to meet our own expectations that can make meditation frustrating.

    Instead, be willing to be extra patient and easy on yourself and let go of all expectations. This will not only make your meditation sessions a lot easier but also make them more effective.

    Always remember to be kind to yourself. If you struggle, accept it and let it go. After all, there is always tomorrow or the next meditation session.

    2. Take deep breaths.

    Many of us meditate to find some peace from our thoughts, but our thoughts can be loud and overwhelming. Taking a few deep breaths can make it easier to calm the chatter in your head before you sit down to meditate.

    Deep breathing activates our parasympathetic nervous system, which helps to promote a state of calm and relaxation in our body.

    A simple breathing exercise you can use is the 4-7-8 technique.

    • Inhale slowly through your nose, to a mental count of four.
    • Hold your breath, for a count of seven.
    • Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound, to a count of eight.
    • This completes one cycle. Repeat it for ten times or more according to your preference.

    3. You have to put in the work.

    If you want to progress in meditation and have a calmer mind, you have to put in the work.

    Having a sense of discipline and routine goes a long way. If you decide to meditate for fifteen minutes each day, stick to it no matter how distracted your mind is when you sit down to meditate.

    Many times I would cut my meditation short or sometimes skip it all together when it seemed difficult to sit down and be still. But skipping one or two days can make it much harder to meditate the next time around and can make you prone to skip many more.

    Ever since I began exercising (physical workout) daily, I’ve understood some days you are not going to feel like doing it, but once you do it you will always feel better, and the same applies for meditation.

    Make it a point to show up every day, no matter what mental state you are in, because you always feel better by the end of it.

    4. Stop chasing experiences.

    As you meditate daily, after a while, you may start to have different kinds of experiences such as seeing different colors and visuals, experiencing your whole body vibrating, and even feeling intense energy in your chakras (energy centres).

    During some meditations I would feel so happy and at peace, and I would start craving these kinds of experiences.

    The problem is that the more you meditate with that kind of mindset, the more distracted you will be during meditation, then the inner chatter gets even noisier.

    While meditating, it’s always best not to chase any experiences, since you will most likely be disappointed if that’s what you are after.

    5. You are not your thoughts.

    The first time I read The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, I didn’t really understand what the book was all about.

    However, after reading it for the second time a couple of years later, the main message hit me and has since had a life-changing impact on me—the fact that you are not your thoughts.

    Here is how Eckhart Tolle puts it:

    “The most decisive event in your life is when you discover you are not your thoughts or emotions. Instead, you can be present as the awareness behind the thoughts and emotions.”

    Understanding that the thoughts that pop into my head during meditation are not mine, I realize that I’m under no obligation to follow them while meditating. I can simply observe them and let them pass. And that’s where I find peace.

    —

    Practicing meditation has allowed me to slow down and savor life without the urge to be always doing something or require constant stimulation.

    If you’ve never meditated, you may find it hard to see yourself as someone who meditates and may feel that it’s not your thing.

    Try it for yourself and find out. Who knows, you just might get hooked.

  • How I Forgave When Life Felt Painful and Unfair

    How I Forgave When Life Felt Painful and Unfair

    “Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that their behavior was ‘OK.’ What it does mean is that we’re ready to move on. To release the heavy weight. To shape our own life, on our terms, without any unnecessary burdens. Forgiveness is pure freedom—and forgiveness is a choice.” ~Dr. Suzanne Gelb

    It happened, again.

    I was sitting opposite one of my closest family members. The irritation coming from me could almost be felt and touched in the room. One comment from him and boom, it was like pouring gasoline on a fire. I couldn’t help myself, I used to get so upset in these situations that I could barely manage them.

    How could this happen? I was a grownup now. Also, I had worked on forgiving this person and moving past this. But then, why was I always falling back into old patterns?

    Have you ever had one (or even several) of these moments? An infected relationship with a close family member that just can’t seem to heal? And you beat yourself up for not being able to resist getting into a fight?

    Let me share my story. One of the closest people in my life when I was growing up was an alcoholic. That has been extremely painful. My childhood was amazing in many ways, but the fact that this person drank too much made the shiny surface fade.

    Due to this, I’ve felt like a victim my whole life. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve growing up with an alcoholic? Why did I have to battle embarrassment and shame because of something he did? 

    It all seemed so unfair.

    During my childhood it was the same routine every evening: looking at the wine bottle that slowly but surely got more and more empty. Going to bed, carefully listening to sounds; was there an argument starting or not? Will there be yelling and screaming? Will I be able to sleep the whole night through?

    I had so much resentment towards him. How could he do this to me and the rest of my family? His drinking and behavior triggered me in so many ways, and most of the time I felt disconnected, irritated and separated from him.

    I wanted to be able to forgive and forget, and to move on, but how?

    I tried to forgive him, believe me, I really tried. But at the end of the day, nothing changed. The anger, resentment, and sense of separation was still there.

    But then one day something unexpected happened. I suddenly shifted my approach to forgiveness, and it was unlike anything I had done before. Finally, I set myself free. (I’ll explain soon how I did that).

    What I realized was this: a shift within me, not him, had to take place. This shift was the key to my forgiveness, and in the below steps I’ll take you through how I did it.

    1. I stopped thinking and started feeling.

    I used to battle with the situation from my head. I tried to “trick” my mind to forgive and forget. But this strategy only kept me further from the root cause, and thus further away from liberation.

    Eventually, I realized that I had to go deeper, to feel the hidden emotions underneath it all. I had spent so many years believing that I was angry, frustrated, and upset. My go-to state with him was attack, hatred, and resentment.

    But underneath those emotions were the true feelings that I had not been able nor willing to feel. What I really felt was disappointment, hurt, and rejection.

    Turns out it was easier to feel hatred and irritation than rejection and unworthiness. What I know today is that I couldn’t heal the situation from a place of anger and blame. I could only heal it by connecting to those deep and painful emotions that were hiding underneath.

    At the time, I promised myself never to be vulnerable again. Unknowingly, at that point in time, I signed a lifelong contract of suffering. I built a thick wall around myself in order to protect myself. A wall between me and my family member (and eventually between me and other men).

    But to forgive, I had to open up to vulnerability again. That was the door opener to true forgiveness. It is scary to go there, I know. But this is where the liberation lies. Go there, go to where it hurts the most and let these feelings come to greet you.

    2. I connected with my younger and wounded self.

    In the process of forgiving, one clear memory came back to me. It was the first time that I met him drunk and upset. I was fourteen years old and up until that point I had felt unconditionally loved. That night he said something that turned everything around. This was the painful night that changed how I viewed myself and our relationship.

    Previously, I had been aware of this memory, but not willing to connect to my younger self. I had not been willing to hear her out. I imagined my fourteen-year-old self in my mind. I imagined her talking to me, telling her side of the story.

    She put into words what I had truly felt that evening. All the suffering, feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Tears started pouring down my cheeks. I cried so hard. So much suffocated longing to feel love and connection revealed itself.

    By listening to her and welcoming the painful emotions something powerful happened – I reclaimed my vulnerability.

    Often, we fight so hard to keep ourselves from feeling the most painful emotions. But the fact is that they are the doorway to our liberation. We have to feel them to release them. In my experience, ignoring and pushing away painful feelings only leads to them controlling you even more. Only when you allow yourself to feel them are you able to set yourself free.

    3. I realized everyone acts to the best of their ability.

    I used to think this person did this because he was ignorant, insensitive, and selfish. But I couldn’t have been further from the truth. What I realized was that he acted to the best of his ability. I also realize that he, in turn, has his own trauma, tragic memories, and difficulties in life.

    It hit me that I would have acted in the exact same way if I had his upbringing (his parents, experiences, and trauma etc). And that shift made it so much easier to forgive him. No one is perfect and neither am I. He did the best he could.

    This is when I replaced anger with compassion. A wave a love washed over me, literally entering every cell of my body. In a moment I realized that this person had always loved me, and still does to this day.

    This was when my triggers vanished. Left was love, empathy, and compassion.

    This person isn’t perfect, and neither am I. I love my children more than anything in the world, but I also mess up. I’m also human. And not only does that insight make it easier for me to connect to my family member, but also to myself. I’m less harsh and judging of myself today than before thanks to that realization.

    4. Forgiveness doesn’t mean acceptance of bad behavior.

    To me, the word forgiveness used to feel foreign. As something that was given to the perpetrator in order to create peace of mind for that person. I resented the word and the meaning of it.

    But forgiveness is not about accepting or approving bad behavior. I can still forgive and objectively oppose certain behaviors. To me, forgiveness didn’t include approval of my family member’s destructive drinking behavior. Instead, forgiveness was an act of service to myself.

    I learned that forgiveness is, in a positive way, an act of egoism. You forgive to set yourself free from chains of suffering and from the past. Years later I told him because I wanted to give him the gift of my forgiveness. But it was never a necessity. It’s now been four years and our relationship is better than ever before.

    Make sure that you forgive, not to help someone else, but to help yourself. Give yourself the gift of letting go so that you can move into the future you desire.

    Set Yourself Up for True Liberation

    Living a life where you hold on to resentment, anger, and frustration toward someone is painful. Anger, bitterness, and resentment doesn’t change the past; it keeps you stuck in it.

    You deserve better. You deserve to free yourself from grudges and painful feelings. Use this article as your guide to move into forgiveness. Start with one of the points above and follow the steps outlined. Don’t force or beat yourself up for not being able to forgive or heal straight away. Just by reading this article, you have taken a step in the right direction and have faith that your timing will be perfect for you.

    Remember to feel, not to think, your way to forgiveness. Gather courage to go deeper, to feel the hidden emotions underneath it all. And most of all: remind yourself that this is something you’re doing for yourself, not for anyone else.

    Our traumas and difficulties in life can leave us feeling hopeless, resentful, and like a victim. They can be our excuse to stay stuck and not create the life we desire. Or the painful experiences in life can be your greatest gift. By learning to forgive someone once and for all, you tap into the blessings in disguise that come with any problem.

    Perhaps, thanks to your experience, you learned to tune up your emotional intelligence, empathy, and compassion. In short, make sure that your greatest problem becomes your greatest gift.

  • Not Having the Urge to Defend and Explain Yourself

    Not Having the Urge to Defend and Explain Yourself

  • Being Happy Doesn’t Mean You Have It All

    Being Happy Doesn’t Mean You Have It All

  • Always Help Someone

    Always Help Someone

  • 40 Reasons You’re Amazing and Worth Appreciating

    40 Reasons You’re Amazing and Worth Appreciating

    I’m willing to bet that most of us spend far more time focusing on what we aren’t than appreciating who we are. We home in everything we think we lack and then feel bad about ourselves, when there’s actually a lot to celebrate if we take the time recognize it.

    It’s partly a byproduct of our time: We’re constantly inundated with pics and stories narrating everyone else’s lives, when really, they’re just highlight reels. They’re the filtered, photoshopped version of lives as messy and imperfect as ours.

    And regardless of where they pose, what they wear, or what they’re doing there, all those people, they’re just like you and me. They’re sometimes confident, sometimes insecure, and they often need to be reminded that they’re worth loving, and doing better than they think.

    So, if, like me, you’re a perfectionist, or you’re just hard on yourself sometimes, sit back, relax, and consider all these reasons you’re amazing and worth appreciating.

    Your Strength

    1. You’ve survived every challenge life has thrown at you, and there have been a lot.

    2. You’ve done your best in every situation, based on where you were at that time in your life, where you’ve come from, and the resources at your disposal.

    3. You’ve acknowledged and worked on weaknesses—maybe not always, and maybe not without some resistance. But you’ve made progress countless times when it would have been easier to stay stuck where you were.

    4. You’ve risen back up after failure and rejection. You could have given up when you were laid off, or passed up for the job, or told “It’s not you, it’s me…,” but you licked your wounds, got through it, and put yourself back out there instead.

    5. You’ve forgiven, the ultimate test of one’s strength. You may not be ready to forgive everyone who’s hurt you, but you have done it before, even though it was hard.

    6. You’ve apologized. It’s not always easy to admit mistakes, but you’ve done it. You’ve owned your part, acknowledged pain caused, and vowed to do better going forward.

    7. You’ve tried things outside your comfort zone, whether that means taking a new job overseas or saying hello when you would have preferred to stare at your feet.

    8. You’ve faced a fear at some point. It may have seemed small to you, but any time you do something that scares you, it’s huge!

    9. You’ve adapted to change, often without having chosen it, and have grown through the experience.

    10. You’ve solved problems that could have crippled you and have helped other people with their problems while grappling with your own.

    Your Kindness

    11. You have good intentions. You might think you sometimes do the wrong things, but your heart’s generally in the right place.

    12. You’ve made someone feel appreciated, and maybe many someones, by acknowledging their efforts and thanking them for what they’ve done.

    13. You’ve made someone’s day, probably without even realizing it, by listening, understanding, or simply being thoughtful and kind.

    14. You make people laugh—maybe even at your laugh, because you cackle or snort or sound like Beavis. (Too young for the reference? Google it!)

    15. You look out for the people you love. When you say you care, you mean it, and you back it up with actions.

    16. You smile at people. It might seem insignificant, but your smile has likely been someone’s lighthouse on a dark, scary day.

    17. You remember the important things—or at least some of them. That “Happy birthday” card or call or text? It was a simple acknowledgement that helped someone feel valued and loved.

    18. You ask people how they’re doing. You might not always get an honest response, but you’re willing to receive it.

    19. You treat people how you’d like to be treated more often than not. Sometimes you slip up—you’re only human, after all! But you do your best to be a decent human being who treats other people with respect.

    20. You’ve given second chances when you knew someone really needed it.

    Your You-ness

    21. You have many positive qualities, whether you realize it or not. Maybe you’re adventurous or brave or creative or dependable—or all of the above. You could probably go through the whole alphabet and list twenty-six amazing qualities for each letter that you possess. (Or at least twenty-five—X is tough!)

    22. You’re passionate about something, whether it’s your work, a hobby, a dream for the future, or your family, and that passion is both admirable and contagious.

    23. You have unique quirks that make you interesting, endearing, and fun to be around. Maybe you have a passion for Steampunk, or you talk to your plants, or you collect something weird, like umbrella sleeves.

    24. You have eclectic taste and have likely introduced other people to many things they’ve come to enjoy—bands, movies, books, restaurants, the list goes on and on.

    25. You’re beautifully messy, like all human beings, and your emotions give you empathy, depth, and many other gifts you may not even recognize.

    26. You’re creative in your own way—everyone is! Maybe you bake or write or make cool things out of wine corks or scrabble pieces or rocks.

    27. You have your own kind of smarts—book smarts, street smarts, emotional intelligence, maybe even all three.

    28. You have a voice that has soothed someone, even if it sounds like Sofia Vergara’s, simply because it’s yours.

    29. You are physically a work of art. Seriously. Our culture has long promoted a one-size-fits-all definition of beauty (though, thankfully, that seems to be changing), but there’s beauty to be found in every unique combination of body and facial features. Big noses, asymmetrical eyes, crooked smiles—every last of one of them, beautiful!

    30. You are mentally fascinating. Just think of all the outlandish, complex, crazy thoughts that go through your mind each day.

    Your Journey

    31. You’ve amassed a vast assortment of experiences that have given you insight and a unique perspective. No one else sees the world exactly like you!

    32. You’ve healed and grown through all your ups and downs, becoming stronger and wiser every day.

    33. You’ve done some interesting things in your time. If our lives really do flash before our eyes before we die, yours definitely won’t be boring!

    34. You’ve learned what matters to you throughout the years, and you’ve tried your best to honor those things.

    35. You’ve started over when it was hard, whether it was a new direction, a new job, a new location, or a new relationship.

    36. You’ve found and/or created opportunities for yourself, and possibly in fields that aren’t easy to break into.

    37. You’ve adulted: you’ve fed yourself, done laundry, cleaned your house, paid your bills, and done countless other responsible things—often when you would have preferred to lie under a blanket fort eating cereal from an oversized bowl.

    38. You’ve built a treasure chest of amazing memories through the years, and you recognize them for the gold they are.

    39. You’re the co-star in many other people’s favorite memories.

    40. You’ve made it to where you are right now. And here you are, strong, kind, uniquely you, and worth celebrating.

    —

    So there you have it, all the reasons you are absolutely amazing, every last one of you. Have anything to add to the list?

  • Shoutout to All the Highly Sensitive Kids

    Shoutout to All the Highly Sensitive Kids

  • One of the Truest Signs of Maturity

    One of the Truest Signs of Maturity

  • Free Recreate Your Life Story eCourse ($97 value) with Tiny Buddha’s Mindfulness Kit

    Free Recreate Your Life Story eCourse ($97 value) with Tiny Buddha’s Mindfulness Kit

    **Today, Monday the 30th, is the last day to get the Recreate Your Life Story eCourse as a free bonus with Tiny Buddha’s Mindfulness kit!

    Another surreal holiday in the books, for those of us in the US that is.

    I hope you all had a love-filled Thanksgiving, even if that love was sent from afar.

    I was 3,000 miles away from my family, though fortunate to be with my boyfriend’s parents.

    After I ate way too much tofurkey and pie I spent a little time reading all the comments on this week’s giveaway post, and I felt both sad for all the pain so many of you have endured this year and inspired by your strength and wisdom.

    I know that for many, 2020 has brought an onslaught of disappointment, struggle, stress, and loss. And for others it’s been a continuation of years of pain, just with a totally new flavor.

    I know a Mindfulness Kit won’t magically make everything better, but if I could give one to everyone who entered, I gladly would.

    Since I unfortunately don’t have the means to do that, and I know many of you commented that the kit would be helpful to you, I’ve decided to do what I believe to be the next best thing.

    My Offer to You

    From today until Monday, November 30th, I am giving away my bestselling Recreate Your Life Story eCourse as a free bonus to anyone who purchases a Mindfulness Kit.

    The course usually sells for $97, and from what I’ve been told it’s helped many people create major internal and external change.

    I created this course several years back because I wanted to share what helped me move forward and transform my life after years of depression, bulimia, and self-loathing.

    I distinctly remember a time when I felt particularly lost and hopeless, and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling excited about my life, or proud of myself. My story felt like cement encasing me—like a trap of infinite victimhood and failure I could never possibly escape.

    Then one day, when I was looking for hope, but doubtful I would find it, I stumbled across a quote that changed everything for me:

    “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.”

    I haven’t had many sudden epiphanies in my time—I’m generally a slow learner when it comes to life’s biggest lessons—but this one hit me fast and hard.

    I realized then that I didn’t have to be defined by any of what I’d been through, or what I’d done in response. Instead, I could focus on what I was going to do next, and in doing so shift my narrative from pain and shame to healing and pride.

    My life could be defined by my next choice, and my next choice didn’t have to look anything like the ones prior. And not only did my future not have to look like my past, I could change how I saw my past—and myself. I could literally rewrite my story through the power of perspective and paint myself not as the victim or villain, but as the hero.

    That’s what this course is all about. It’s about choosing to view yourself and your life through a more empowering lens so you can take back the reins and live the story you want to live from this point forward.

    It’s about replacing despair with hope and self-judgment with self-compassion and moving forward on a new path that excites you, as someone you feel proud of.

    I think after this year we could all use a little help to move forward, stronger not in spite of what we’ve been through, but because of it.

    I believe this course can help with that, which is why I’m offering it as a free bonus with the kit.

    I also believe the kit is a nice complement to the course. With four aromatherapy-based products, a daily mindfulness practice guide, and three expanded digital guides, it can help you find a calm center within you as work on letting go of the past and creating a new narrative for yourself.

    About the Mindfulness Kit

    The products include:

    • A Soothing Bath & Shower Gel
    • A Lavender Essential Oil Roll-On
    • A Relaxing Pillow Spray
    • A Lychee Flower Scented Candle

    The digital guides include:

    • How to Make Your Shower Mindful, Blissful, and Rejuvenating
    • 5 Breathing Exercises to Calm & Focus Your Mind
    • How to Do a Bedtime Body Scan for a Peaceful Night’s Sleep

    I designed this kit to help make mindfulness fun and relaxing so that we’re better able to make it a habit. Self-compassion is a huge part of the course, and I can’t think of anything more self-compassionate than taking a little time to simply be. Without the weight of our worries, fears, judgments, assumptions, and grievances.

    How to Get Your Kit and the eCourse

    1. First, you’ll need the Mindfulness Kit. You can grab one here.

    2. After you complete your transaction, you’ll receive a purchase confirmation email. Forward that to me at email@tinybuddha.com and I will personally send you a promo code for the course within 48 hours, along with instructions to get signed up.

    3. Once you sign up for the course you will have lifetime access and can start whenever you’d like!

    If you purchased the kit within the last week, I am happy to honor this offer for you. Just forward me your purchase confirmation email and I will send you a code.

    I am sorry to say that the kit is still limited to the US, but I do plan to offer international shipping at some point, and when I do, I will extend this offer again for those of you outside the states.

    I hope the kit and the course bring you all a little peace, a lot of hope, and abundant possibilities for the future!

  • If You Think There’s Something Wrong with You…

    If You Think There’s Something Wrong with You…

    The root cause of suffering for many of us is believing that there’s something wrong with us. Psychiatrists’ and therapists’ offices are filled with people who are carrying this false belief, most often stemming from traumatic or painful childhood experiences, or even people telling us this directly.

    Sometimes we inferred this idea because we were treated badly as children and/or we didn’t get our physical or emotional needs met. Perhaps we were called selfish or bad because we “asked for too much,” or we were told we couldn’t have what we wanted because we didn’t “earn or deserve it.”

    Maybe we blamed ourselves for our parents’ fighting and/or divorce or issues that were going on in our family because we believed they were our fault.

    Our little minds drew conclusions, and for some of us, self-abandonment became the solution. We did this because we thought there was something wrong with us—welcome suppression, people-pleasing, and “good little boy or girl.”

    Without conscious awareness, we tried to be and do what others wanted us to be and do so they’d love and accept us. By doing this, we hid our truth. We also concluded that it wasn’t okay to feel how we were feeling, so we made sure we suppressed our emotions, especially those that seemed forbidden, like anger or sadness.

    All this disconnected us from our authenticity. Many of us live our whole lives according to how others told us we needed to be, and we’re never truly happy. 

    Because we believed it was wrong for us to be ourselves, some of us created symptoms like addictions, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, or even illness in the body.

    Now, we have more reasons to believe we’re “bad” or “wrong” because we may think that having these symptoms proves it. Welcome more self-hatred—now we’re living with a big inner debate. It becomes a no-win situation, and we frantically turn to escapism and/or we create numbing/survival mechanisms.

    We think, “I can only show the good me”—“good” according to the rules of our family and society—and “I can’t show the bad me,” which are just parts of ourselves that weren’t acceptable to our family or society. By doing this we never really experience inner peace; instead, we become fragmented beings.

    Welcome shame and shadow “hiding.” What’s that? Shadow hiding is denying or disowning parts of ourselves that were not allowed to be seen; we pushed them down in our shadows and put them in our “forbidden cage.”

    Most people think our shadows carry our deep hurt and pain, and that may be, but in our shadows also reside our authenticity, our lovability, our natural gifts, talents, and abilities, our creativity, and our greatest qualities.

    So, how does the idea that something’s wrong with us affect our lives? If we have this as our core belief, we may create symptoms like self-sabotage, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, and the other symptoms I mentioned above. 

    We filter our perceptions and points of view through the ways we feel about ourselves, and we let that feeling create our reality.

    We may deny our true desires and what really makes us happy. Sometimes we do this unconsciously; however, it shows up as procrastinating and/or self-sabotaging or saying we don’t know what we like or how to have fun and play—because we believe doing so isn’t okay.

    We may have a hard time speaking our truth and asking for what we need in relationships; we’ve become people-pleasing beings because we learned we needed to abandon ourselves in order to be accepted and be a good person.

    We may try to suppress, deny, or run away from any negative, sad, or unacceptable feelings because we were told that we were bad or wrong for feeling what we felt.

    If shame is running in our system, we’ll never feel like a good enough person. We may even feel like a failure, or we may overcompensate, trying to prove we’re good enough through success, fame, and accumulation, but deep inside we’re empty and not happy.  

    Just an FYI, there’s nothing wrong with these things; it’s the energy behind what we’re doing that we need to pay attention to.

    There are many ways this false idea plays out, especially in the energy of fear and doubt.

    So, here’s a bit of what it was like for me, having this false idea that there was something wrong with me. This belief was created from the messages I received and inferred when I was a little being, constantly being told that I was wrong, fat, ugly, stupid, selfish, and that I asked for too much.

    From my earliest memory I ate a lot; food comforted and soothed me. It gave me a way to focus my energy, numb my painful feelings, and keep me safe in an environment in which I was not accepted.

    Then at age thirteen my doctor told me to go on a diet, and at age fifteen I was anorexic, which made me feel even more wrong and bad.

    The anorexia was a symptom stemming from the feeling and belief that I was undeserving, bad, and wrong and that I needed to deprive myself in order to be accepted and loved. Kinda screwy, eh?

    What most people don’t understand is that anorexia isn’t just about starving our body; we’re starving ourselves from living. It’s self-denial, self-abandonment, and self-abuse, the opposite of self-honoring and self-loving.

    I took on the ways my parents treated me, and I became my own mean parent. I beat myself up daily with negative self-talk, cutting my wrists and face, bingeing, starving myself, and exercising compulsively. I was also depressed and anxious and took sleeping pills to sleep through the day.

    I was a slave to this way of being, stemming from the belief that there was something wrong with me and, going even deeper, that I was bad and wrong.

    I deprived myself of everything, not just food. I didn’t allow myself to get close to others or buy myself anything; I basically lived in lack, limitation, and fear daily. If I made money, it had to go into the bank, and I overworked myself to prove I was a “good girl.” I put myself in dangerous situations, like walking alone in bad areas at night, and stayed in abusive relationships because I didn’t value myself or my life.

    I was living in a trance, and no one was able to help me change. Even after going in and out of numerous hospitals and treatment centers and seeing therapists for over twenty-three years, I still lived with an internal war. I held on tight to the harmful ways I was living, because I believed I deserved to be treated that way; it was how I learned to cope and survive.

    So, how did things finally change? How did I get to where I am today? I finally took my healing into my own hands and found myself on a spiritual path. It wasn’t until everyone gave up on me and my body starting really deteriorating that I decided to learn self-acceptance, self-honoring, and self-loving.

    It was a process. I read many self-help books, but most of them only worked on the conscious level. It was like I was fighting against my own biology, consciously trying to change, but my energy patterning was saying, “No way.”

    I didn’t start feeling comfortable being true to myself and living in my body until I went to the root cause—until I understood why I was carrying this energy internally.

    By going to the root cause—what happened when I was younger—I made contact with my inner child, who was really hurting and crying out for love.

    Sweet little Debra was so afraid, and she didn’t feel safe because no one had ever comforted her or let her know that she was okay. She wanted and needed to know that she wasn’t bad or wrong, and that it was okay for her to come out and play; that she was now loved, accepted, appreciated, and safe.

    She was very hurt and angry, and it took a while for her to trust me. However, I stayed with it, and bit by bit I started feeling at peace internally through self-love and self-acceptance.

    What if instead of giving medication to someone who doesn’t truly need it, we gave them the prescription that there’s nothing wrong with them?

    What if we helped them peel away the layers of conditioning, helped them heal their traumas and unresolved issues, and gave them permission to love and honor themselves and embrace their authenticity?

    What if we stopped judging ourselves and making ourselves bad or wrong for who we are and instead loved and accepted ourselves unconditionally—especially those parts that weren’t/aren’t accepted by our family and/or society?

    What if we saw our shame, insecurities, and fear of being seen as parts of ourselves asking for compassion, forgiveness, unconditional acceptance, and love?

    What if we saw our “flaws” as beautiful and valuable aspects of ourselves, and we started finding approval for those parts of ourselves that were unaccepted by society?

    What if we moved from self-judging into self-compassion and self-loving and we allowed ourselves to feel however we’re feeling?

    What if we made friends with ourselves so that we felt at ease throughout the day? So we no longer tried so hard to be someone acceptable, and instead we flowed with our heart and soul?

    What if we changed things about ourselves and our lives because it’s an act of self-love—we improved because we want to, not because we need to in order to be accepted and loved by others?

    If we put in the work, there hopefully comes a time when we see that we no longer need to “fix” ourselves to be a certain way so that we’ll be accepted by others. And instead, we allow ourselves to be who we are, we love and accept ourselves unconditionally, and we change only if we want to, not because we think there’s something wrong with us. Because there isn’t. And there never was.

  • The Best of Life

    The Best of Life