Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • What If Your “Overthinking” Is Actually Good for You?

    What If Your “Overthinking” Is Actually Good for You?

    “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” ~Marcus Aurelius

    Overthinking is common. And everyone is asking us to stop it. Articles like these are abundant:

    “7 Signs You Are an Overthinker”

    “13 Strategies to Stop Overthinking”

    “9 Tips to Overcome Overthinking”

    The overthinker in me is starting to question the effectiveness of all this well-meaning advice. If it were that easy to stop, there can’t be so much of it still.

    I can’t help but wonder if we are looking at overthinking too negatively. Could overthinking be a part of human nature that actually has benefits? Otherwise, wouldn’t evolution have weeded out this useless trait by now?

    Surely, the universe has not made a mistake by giving human beings a brain so prone to overthinking. Surely, the overthinkers amongst us are not mistakes?

    Yes, many a times I feel like a mistake when being told “you think too much” and “don’t overthink it.” Is there something wrong with me?

    Years of Thinking Before a Life Decision

    For as long as I’ve known, I’ve thought a lot. This served me well in school and at work, as I was recognized for my analytical abilities and rigor of thinking.

    However, when it comes to personal matters like family, relationships, or career problems, this deep thinking power of mine becomes seen as overthinking.

    Several years back, I was dealing with a failing marriage and a challenging new job posting at the same time. Amidst the stresses and unhappiness, I found my brain constantly thinking about what was happening and what I could do.

    As I thought and thought, the situation appeared rather hopeless. I wanted to leave the marriage—but what about our child, our financial commitments, our religion, our closely-knit families? I wanted to leave the job—what if I could not find a better job because of my age, specialized experience, poor job market, people factors?

    When I tried to share all these thoughts with friends, I often attracted a “you are overthinking” comment.

    Initially, I thought the problem was really me. I wished I wasn’t such an overthinker.

    But was I really overthinking? These were important factors, shouldn’t we be thinking about them thoroughly before making any decisions?

    It hurt when people seemed dismissive of the fears and concerns that arose as I thought deeply about the issues. Since they were not going to try to understand, I guess I just had to stop telling them.

    I can now confidently say, had it not been for the rigor of my thoughts back then, I would not have had a relatively smooth divorce and a change of jobs within the same period of time. They did not come about from luck—they came about from careful, thorough thinking that allowed me to take actions to mitigate possible fallouts.

    I planned and executed my divorce and job switch as I would a multimillion-dollar deal. To others, it might have been overthinking. To me, it was necessary thinking.

    The Definition of Overthinking—Inherently Negative

    Overthinking in itself is already negatively defined. According to Cambridge Dictionary, overthinking is “the action of thinking about something too much, in a way that is not useful.”

    Let me zoom in on the two descriptors in the definition.

    Firstly, “too much” is a very subjective term. It necessitates that there must be a “just right” level as a basis of comparison. Isn’t it a fine line between “thinking too much” and “thinking just right”? Where you draw that line is most likely different from where I draw it.

    And just as there is the possibility of “too much,” there is also the possibility of “too little.” Not giving sufficient thought to issues can be just as, if not more, harmful.

    Secondly, “not useful” is also a very subjective term. Let me give a simple example:

    A young girl goes to a supermarket to buy capsicum for her mother. Her mother had forgotten to specify the color of capsicum she had wanted. The young girl stands looking at the variety of capsicum in the supermarket, thinking for an extended time which color she should buy.

    If you had stood by the girl and watched her, you might think “why is she taking so long to make a decision? She must be overthinking, just pick any color!” To you, thinking about the color of capsicum to buy is definitely not useful.

    But the girl knows different. Her mother has a temper that few can tolerate. The last time she brought home normal carrots instead of baby carrots, her mother had gone into a violent fit, screaming at the top of her voice and lambasting her on her stupidity. Thinking carefully which color of capsicum to buy is definitely useful for the girl to avoid the same punishment.

    Although her mother did not specify the color, the girl carefully recalls what dish her mother might be preparing and whether her mother had used a specific color before. It takes more time than usual but she makes a calculated guess.

    What is useful to her may not be useful to you or me. Do we have sufficient information to judge?

    Incidentally, that little girl was me.

    Why is Useful Thinking So Often Mistaken as Overthinking Then?

    People generally have no time or patience to listen. And we are not particularly effective at articulating and summarizing our thoughts well.

    Without sufficient information and understanding about one another’s lives, the judgment that many of us are overthinking can easily arise.

    Think about it, how many people in your life have truly spent time to understand your problems and thought processes? One or two good friends? And perhaps therapists and counselors who are paid to do so.

    Many a times, after hearing our issues in depth, these friends and therapists understand where we are coming from and help us achieve greater clarity about our issues.

    When we think a lot about an issue, we are likely to dissect an issue to great depths—we see all angles, the positives and the negatives. The problem is that we tend to talk more about the negative aspects of an issue and give the impression that we are only thinking negatively (= not useful, therefore overthinking).

    Speaking for myself, I tend to assume that the positive parts of an issue are obvious and need not be discussed at length. It is the negative parts that warrant focus because they need to be mitigated or resolved.

    So How Do We Engage in Useful Thinking?

    Thinking is a human superpower. Considering how complex the human brain is, should we even be surprised that we are capable of thinking a lot?

    This Scientific American article estimates that the brain’s memory storage capacity is around 2.5 petabytes (or a million gigabytes), with more than a trillion connections between one billion neurons. This roughly translates to storage of three million hours of TV shows (or running the TV continuously for more than 300 years).

    If that is our brain’s storage capacity, what about its processing capacity. The human brain is known to be much more efficient at processing than computers. What might take a computer a few million steps to calculate can be achieved by a few hundred neuron transmissions in the human brain (see “The Human Brain vs Supercomputers… Which One Wins”). In addition, humans are capable of advanced planning and decision-making, humor and morality (BBC Science Focus).

    This superior cognitive capacity sets us apart from other animals. The same brainpower, it seems, also makes us prone to overthinking.

    What we can do to harness this tremendous brainpower is to ensure that most, if not all, of our thinking is useful thinking? Here are four quick principles to keep in mind:

    1. When thinking, consciously push for greater clarity of the issues, with the goal to reach a decision or a plan of action within a certain timeframe. (Kinda like what we do in our jobs.)

    Note: Deciding not to do anything at the moment about a problem (e.g. failing marriage) because there are too many constraints (e.g. children’s welfare) is also a decision. Thinking thoroughly about it allows us to better understand the situation and either choose to accept it or do something to change things.

    2. Recognize when the thinking gets stuck and leads to confusion or anxiety. This is when talking it out with someone can be useful.

    3. It is okay to be selective about who to talk to. Some people will not have the patience or sincerity to hear out our issues and will likely judge us as overthinking.

    4. When talking out issues with someone, it is good to touch on both the positives and negatives. This helps people understand that we have thought through the issue from many angles before zooming in on specific parts that need addressing.

    Differentiating Between Useful Thinking and Overthinking

    Perhaps generally, we can say that the thinking is not useful if it results in extended periods of confusion, anxiety, or inability to make a decision.

    Conversely, if thinking a lot about something eventually leads to greater clarity, careful plans, and robust decisions, then the thinking can be considered very useful.

    The only people who can truly differentiate between useful thinking and overthinking are ourselves and the people who understand us well.

    As the saying goes, nobody has walked in our shoes. Our childhood, upbringing, and decades of life experiences set the context of our thinking patterns.

    Let’s not be so quick to judge that we ourselves or other people are overthinking. Have we truly listened and tried to understand?

    I’m not dismissing the fact that there may be medical reasons if we are frequently engaged in thinking that is not useful. There has been a lot written about overthinking as a symptom of or giving rise to anxiety and depression.

    But we should also refrain from passing judgment or assigning a medical condition so quickly to an action that many of us engage in, at least sometimes if not often.

    I am sure philosophers and sages across centuries (like Seneca, Confucius, and Gandhi) may have been seen as overthinkers in their time. But how useful their thoughts have been to benefit and inspire generations.

    While analysis paralysis is a real problem, when it comes to significant life decisions, I would rather err on the side of caution by thinking too much than thinking too little.

  • It Only Takes One Second to Say…

    It Only Takes One Second to Say…

  • Tips from a Former Addict: How I Made a Change for Good

    Tips from a Former Addict: How I Made a Change for Good

    I was a drug addict. Yes, I did it all. No, my childhood was not full of abuse, I was actually a pretty lucky kid, and I had it no worse and no better than anyone else, except for maybe some “daddy issues.”

    I am not much for blame. I know who was smoking, sniffing, and popping, and it wasn’t the bad angel on my shoulder who made me do it, it was just me.

    I can give you the exact reason why I started doing drugs. I was afraid to just be myself, simple enough. Everyone else’s thoughts of who I needed to be or what made me cool was more important than embracing my authentic self.

    Drugs were a huge part of my life, and they influenced the places, people, and pain I endured, but again, this was still all a choice.

    I had wonderful opportunities at my fingertips but let them go for a long-term abusive relationship.

    I lost jobs, burned bridges, and hurt my family.

    I stole, lied, and fought.

    Had random sex, lost respect, and wanted to die.

    On a good note, I still maintained a relationship with my higher power. Even though I checked out on him, he was always there to check in on me, and I always had my mother’s, sister’s, and best friend’s support. This is major because we are not meant to do this alone.

    Change Is a Brewin’

    Before any change happens, most people need something extreme to take place, like a near-death experience or hitting rock bottom.

    Unfortunately, I had to hit rock bottom—a couple of times.

    The first time, I had started doing heroin for a good three weeks, and as my whole world was spiraling out of control—like breaking my boyfriend’s hand for what looked like a piece of black tar heroin… only to find out it was just a piece of stepped-on gum on the floor—a glimpse of light still managed to show through, and I made a decision right there.

    I quit… for good. Yes, it happened that fast. Turns out I’m not about that life.

    The second time, I was homeless with my sister. My mom was tired; who could blame her? She had two daughters she loved with all her heart who continued to make the worst choices, despite what she taught us. So, she kicked us out.

    Subconsciously, I was desperately seeking a better path. My actions would say otherwise, but deep down we all know what we really need. I was finally ready to make the choice to make a change.

    Change for Good

    “No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.” ~Buddha

    If you want change, if you truly want it, it will be so. Don’t say I’m “trying.” That implies you are still holding resistance, and as Buddha also says:

    “Change is not painful, only resistance to change is painful.”

    A drug addict, or anyone who has ever been addicted to anything in their lives, knows they will stop when they want to. This is at no one else’s will but their own. That doesn’t mean it will be easy or they won’t need help. Just that it starts with a choice—their own.

    If you have ever seen the show Intervention, you know it is very rare that someone who was brought to rehab by the petition of their family ever stays away from drugs for good.

    This is a dire truth, but I can tell you from experience that when you don’t make this commitment for yourself, the decision loses its empowering effect, and you won’t know the feeling of having sovereignty over your own life.

    Whether you are a drug addict or just know you need something to change, accept that you need change and start searching (like you’re doing now, and luckily it brought you to me).

    I am not perfect now… or am I, since I am finally being me? There are days I still get stuck in a mood, but the difference now is I have learned to acknowledge it.

    Acknowledge It… Whatever You’re Feeling

    After I stopped doing drugs completely, and I mean completely, I realized my anxiety was at an all-time high every day. What I needed to do first was acknowledge it, but I kept trying to hide it. Like I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t feel the way I was feeling. I guess because I hadn’t realized yet that I really didn’t know who I was without drugs.

    Say it out loud, even if it’s weird, “I feel so anxious right now” or “I am feeling sad”—it dissipates faster, and maybe if you say it to someone you trust, they can help dig up what the issue is. My boyfriend and I do this with each other and found that sometimes a hug does the trick.

    Once you start admitting that you’re not feeling okay—right when your body is signaling you—you can search deeper into why and find out by paying attention to patterns.

    First, I started acknowledging that I was feeling crappy. I began to also pay attention to the thought patterns that led up to the feeling, or what happened just before the feeling commenced.

    This gives you glimpse into the type of thoughts you are ruminating on. Is there something you have not let go? Is there an irrational thought that keeps coming up? Is your self-talk demeaning?

    When you suppress it, it comes out in lots of different ways, trust me.

    I am the queen of looking crazy because I blew up randomly at a co-worker, overreacted completely to a joke (and made it awkwaaaard), yelled at my boyfriend when he wasn’t giving me the right responses to a story I was telling, and my favorite phrase as the broken girl was, “No one gets me…” Acting like a victim is not the same as admitting what you are really feeling, though it may be easier.

    Find the Good, and Self-Love Will Follow

    During your search, you will find an abundance of “ways to make yourself happy” and outlandish claims of instant happy pills or whatever.

    The important thing right now is to adopt good habits—go toward good and good things will follow. The key is learning to love yourself. The hard part is finding ways to apply this.

    There are two main ways I’ve learned to be good to myself: yoga and meditation.

    This dynamic duo is popular for a reason, guys.

    I recommend Yoga with Adriene, all day. She is amazing. She always says, “Find what feels good.” To a drug addict like me, I/m like, that’s what got me in this mess, Adriene, but if you insist.

    All joking aside, if you have ever done something like drugs, impulse buying, or even eating a donut, it makes you feel good for a short period of time, right?

    And then you seem to need more, feel guilty, or crash (maybe all three). Finding what feels good, in Adriene’s terms, is listening to your body, not your impulses.

    For example, you know when you stretch after you’ve been sitting down for a while, you just seem to know exactly how and which way to move because you know what feels good? Start there. If you practice both yoga and meditation, take all your expectations and trash them. Just listen to whomever is teaching you and follow their guidance.

    Turn Those Good Habits into a Ritual

    After I found yoga and meditation, I started to enjoy taking care of myself. This was more than an addiction; it soon became second nature.

    I recommend you start with:

    • Yoga in the morning. Yoga with Adriene has a ton of beginner videos I started with
    • Mediate whenever you can. I recommend Dr. Tara Brach, who teaches mediation and emotional healing so you can learn easily to do it on your own
    • Make time to do something you really love. Mine was drawing and painting.

    You would think eating healthy would be on the list, right?

    Stopping drugs cold turkey made me lose my appetite, so I was proud if I ate anything at all. But, before I knew it, the chemicals in my brain changed and I started to crave healthy food, and in abundance.

    I didn’t just jump into some random diet because I was “doing everything good for me” now. I knew I needed to take things step by step when making such a big life change and let healthy habits naturally build on top of each other. When we try to do too much at once, and try to form new habits without intrinsic motivation, we often fail.

    Inc.com explains about 60% of us make New Year’s resolutions but only about 8% of us actually achieve them. We are humans, not technology; we can’t click on a software update and “you are now equipped to achieve your goals”—in my best Google Home voice.

    Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself. Once you start making healthy choices, you will naturally want to make more. Honestly, I was proud of myself for already achieving what I had, and my soul couldn’t get enough. I was treating myself with respect, then came love, and then came a deep connection to everything and everyone around me.

    Though you might start feeling happier with yourself and your life, this doesn’t mean you’ll be happy all the time.

    If you need to cry, let the tears flow. There were some days I would ball my eyes out non-stop but feel so cleansed afterward. Actually, there are even some days now when I feel I need to cry and I just do it. And you know what? My anxiety disappears when I didn’t even realize it was building up in the first place.

    Learn Your Triggers and Avoid Them for Now

    During my transformation I had to start identifying my triggers and avoiding situations I knew would start the cycle all over. I realized this meant the difference between change for now and change for good.

    Whatever you are struggling with, identify what triggers you the most into doing it. This will involve you really being honest with yourself, and not judging yourself for what you find out. Right now is not the time to be your own worst critic.

    I hope you know that just reading through this shows how strong you are and how capable you are of living life as yourself and truly at peace.

    I am the first to call myself out, beat myself up, and feel guilty as hell. Don’t do this to yourself.

    This is a vulnerable time, and you need all the love you can get—giving yourself love is the only way to conquer what is causing you pain.

    So instead of going out when everyone else was, I stayed home because I knew that social scenes would make me want to grab a drink; I would start smoking a cigarette (which I also quit), and then who knows what I would want to get my hands on once I was on a roll.

    I waited months before I trusted myself to get out and hang. The power you attain when you realize you can say no—without FOMO—is greater than any feeling you are chasing by giving in.

    If I can do it, so can you.

    You have a whole support system available to you, and yeah, maybe it’s full of strangers in a meeting. But once you get in touch with yourself, you will realize we’re not really strangers at all; we all come from the same energy, and we all mean way more to each other than you’ve ever thought.

    If you ever need support from somewhere, you can always get it from me. The real me. Without drugs. Finally unafraid to be myself, because I finally love myself.

    **This post represents one person’s personal experience and may or may not reflect your unique situation. Especially f you’ve experienced trauma or abuse, you may need professional help to address the root cause of your addiction. There is no shame in getting help, or in struggling as you work toward recovery. Be good to yourself, be patient with yourself, and keep reaching out if you’ve yet to find the right people to help you!

  • You Are Only One Decision Away

    You Are Only One Decision Away

  • Someone Who Has Been Mentally Abused Will…

    Someone Who Has Been Mentally Abused Will…

  • Whatever You Do Today, Do It with Kindness in Your Heart

    Whatever You Do Today, Do It with Kindness in Your Heart

  • How to Make Someone Smile: 10 Mindful Acts of Kindness

    How to Make Someone Smile: 10 Mindful Acts of Kindness

    “The greatest gifts you can give someone are your time, your love, and your attention.” ~Unknown

    The other day I saw this phrase on social media: “Spread kindness, not COVID-19.” And I started thinking about how kindness is contagious, which reminded me of a viral video I’ve always loved:

    A skateboarding kid falls, and a construction worker helps him up. The kid then sees an elderly woman struggling with grocery bags and helps her carry them across the street. That woman then gives coins to a woman at a parking meter who’s rifling through her purse. And on and on it goes—one act of kindness rippling through the city as each person pays it forward to someone else.

    I think we could all use a little extra love and kindness right now. We could all use a reminder that even when times are tough, people care. And that’s what really matters. Not that we have everything we want, but we have everything we need, because people are looking out for us.

    And really, I think that’s that foundation of kindness: paying attention. Noticing when people are struggling, or when they’re in need of ear, or when they could use a little encouragement or motivation to keep moving forward. Noticing the good in people and acknowledging what we see.

    In our easily distracted world, a little attention truly is the best gift we can give anyone, because we all want to feel seen, heard, valued, and understood. At the end of the day, even the hardest of challenges feel a lot easier when we know we’re not alone.

    So below I’ve listed a handful of COVID-friendly ideas to practice mindful kindness and make someone smile. Tag, you’re it—pass the good vibes on!

    1. Ask someone to tell you the best thing that happened to them lately, or something they’re excited or passionate about, and fully listen.

    Most people love talking about themselves and their passions, but we don’t always get the opportunity, especially when the people around us are busy or stressed and not available to fully listen. Get someone talking about something that you know will light them up and ask questions to get them to elaborate on the details and to show you’re truly interested.

    2. Notice when someone is using one of their strengths and compliment them.

    We all have strengths, but we don’t always recognize them, perhaps because they feel like second nature to us, or we assume other people do whatever it is better.

    Tell someone they’re an amazing listener if they’re tuned in when you’re talking, or you admire their empathy if they defend someone who others are gossiping about, or you love their ingenuity and entrepreneurial spirit if they’re discussing a new business idea they’re considering.

    3. Scan your environment today for things that remind you of people you love and text them to let them know you thought of them, and why.

    This is a win/win because looking for things in your environment that make you think of people you love will get you out of your head and pull you into the moment. And sharing these things with other people will make them feel valued and loved.

    Use all your senses for this one. Maybe it’s the smell of a certain food that brings you back to an amazing meal you shared with a friend. Or it’s a song on the radio that you and your sister listened to obsessively in high school. Or it’s the feeling of snow crunching under your shoes that reminds you of a particularly memorable ski trip with your cousin.

    4. Tell someone why you’re grateful for them, noting something specific about their character or something they did recently.

    We all have a natural negativity bias, which means we’re more apt to focus on our mistakes, flaws, and shortcomings than all the good we do and the value we provide to the people around us—which is why a little acknowledgement can go a long way.

    A while back my sister posted a meme with the Tinman holding a heart on my Facebook page, because that was the character I played for a decade when she and I performed Wizard of Oz shows at kids’ birthday parties when we were young. The wording read “For anyone who’s feeling unloved today, I love you.”

    In the description, my sister wrote: “I saw this and immediately thought of you (for a couple of reasons). You’re the most incredible and empathetic person I know… and you exude so much love to everyone (especially me). The world is beyond lucky to have you in it, and no one has a bigger heart than you. I love you.”

    I can’t remember ever feeling so seen, valued, and loved!

    5. Recognize someone in your life who is doing something hard, then let them know you’re proud of them, and why.

    Perhaps this is someone in your household who’s juggling work and parenting and thinks they’re failing—even though they’re giving both their all. Or maybe it’s a kid who’s doing great with online learning, while missing their friends and usual activities. Bonus if you have a little “I’m proud of you” gift, that could be something as small as a coffee or hot chocolate, just like the person likes it.

    6. Tell someone in the service industry—a mailman, a grocery store employee, any other essential worker—they’re doing a great job, and why.

    I know several essential workers who’ve had less-than-pleasant pandemic experiences, either because of mask-related confrontations or customers taking their stress out on them. Take a minute to recognize the wonderful job someone is doing and let them know specifically why you appreciate their efforts, whether it’s their skill, their know-how, their energy, or the kindness they show to the people they’re serving.

    7. If someone around you seems overwhelmed, ask if they want to relax together for a few minutes, without having to talk, and listen to some of their favorite songs.

    I don’t know about you, but I always feel good when I listen to my favorite music, but I don’t always think to take a few minutes to relax and turn on some tunes when I feel a sense of urgency to get things done. It’s a simple thing that just takes a few minutes, but it can be wonderfully rejuvenating!

    8. Take pictures of things that make you laugh or smile today and text them to people you love.

    This is another win/win because you will likely notice things that will make you smile that you wouldn’t have noticed if you weren’t consciously looking for them, and you’ll give someone else a smile or laugh when they least expect it.

    I remember texting my brother a picture of a tree that appeared to have a…. male body part. I know, very immature, but also very funny! I texted him “Look, a treenis!” and we both had a good laugh.

    9. Compliment someone on a body part—for its function, not how it looks—when you notice them doing something they might not recognize as impressive.

    For example, tell someone you’re amazed by their arm strength when they lift something heavy, or you’re impressed by their endurance after they complete a long workout. Or tell someone, as they’re chugging water or eating a kale salad, that you’re really inspired by how well they take care of themselves and how it helps them stay healthy and strong.

    10. Set aside at least fifteen minutes today to do something fun that gets you into a state of flow.

    This list wouldn’t be complete without a mindful act of kindness for ourselves! I don’t know about you, but I sometimes think, “I’ll relax when I finish…” and then find that the time never comes. So, to make sure I practice self-care, I need to schedule it in, between all the things I need to get done.

    Some of my favorite flow activities include walking outside, coloring in an adult coloring book, doing a few yoga poses, and singing along to show tunes. Find your flow, however you can. Do something childlike. Do something fun. Do something mindless. Give yourself a chance to relax and enjoy, because you work hard, and you deserve it! And even if you don’t work hard, you still deserve it, simply for being you.

    —

    I hope these ideas inspire you to spread a little extra love in your home and virtual sphere of influence! And I would love to hear any ideas you have to add to the list—or any stories of kindness you’ve recently witnessed or experienced.

    Just sharing your story is an act of kindness, because you never know who could inspire or uplift.

    —

    To help us feel more present and peaceful, I’m currently running a holiday sale for my newly launched Mindfulness Kit, which includes four aromatherapy-based products for stress-relief and relaxation and three FREE bonus guides for daily calm. For a limited time, it’s available for $29 (usually $45).  I hope it brings a little serenity to you or the people you love!

  • The Key to Helping a Person Who Is Depressed

    The Key to Helping a Person Who Is Depressed

    “Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.” ~Unknown

    Depression for me is like constantly walking up a hill.

    Most of the time the hill has only a one percent gradient. You can hardly even tell it’s a hill. I walk, run, jump, skip along, doing cartwheels and stopping to smell pretty flowers and listen to bird-calls; it’s sunny and warm, with clear blue skies.

    Even though I have to put in a little bit of effort to walk up, times are good.

    And then something happens in my life, like I lose my job, I have to move, or I’m having ongoing arguments with my partner, and my hill starts to get a bit steeper.

    It’s still reasonably easy climbing, but it takes a little more effort. It gets a bit darker around me, like the sun has just gone behind the clouds. But it’s fine. I can do it.

    And then some other things happen, like I’m feeling stressed out because it’s exam time, and I call my friend to hang out but she doesn’t have the time, and I injure myself and can’t do my usual activities anymore—and my hill gets even steeper.

    And then all of a sudden, almost without me realizing it, I’m on hands and knees, crawling up this really steep hill.

    It gets kind of dark around me, and pretty windy, like a storm is brewing. The temperature drops, I get goosebumps. But I don’t look at the darkness around and behind me. I am still aiming for the spot of brightness at the top. I know I’ll get there soon.

    I struggle to make eye contact with people, go out to social events, or call friends back, because I’m so focused on just making it up the hill.

    And then some other things happen, like I get a virus, or someone I love dies. And then my hill is so steep it’s like climbing a ladder, but slippery and made of grass and dirt and rocks.

    I freak out a little bit now, because it’s really hard! I’m scared of falling, but I still keep trying, to keep going up. Even though I’m barely moving.

    I can’t talk to you. It’s like I retreat right into the depths of my mind, and I can’t connect with anyone. I really need all my concentration not to fall.

    And then it starts raining. Really heavily. It’s become pitch black, like the middle of a moonless night. It’s still crazy windy. I try to grab a tuft of grass, to hold on to something, anything. But it’s slippery and wet, it slides through my grasping fingers, and I fall.

    And I fall, down the hill; sometimes not so far, sometimes a long way before I can grab a hold of something and stop myself. And I’m scared. Because that far down the hill, it’s dark, it’s rainy and stormy, and I feel so alone.

    And at that point, people around me—my friends, my family—get frustrated with me. Because I’m crying all the time, at this point. (Wouldn’t you, stuck in a storm in the dark?).

    People think they need to, or they think I want or expect them to, fly down on a helicopter, throw me a rope, and haul me straight back up to daylight. Fix me. Save me.

    I can understand people wanting to do that, because you know, I would like it to be that easy. It would be nice. But no one can do that for me. It’s my hill. I have to climb it—myself.

    And what is so comforting, at this point, is someone to just climb next to me. That’s all I want.

    Just someone to sit it out with me, dry my tears and hold my hand, and give me words of encouragement and feed me occasionally, while I start to make the trek back up from so far down.

    Because it’s a whole hill I have to walk up! It’s really steep that far down! It’s going to take me a little while. It’s hard for me to even remember what it feels like to be near the top.

    But I’m trying, I’m forever climbing, and eventually I do get back up to the daylight, where it levels out and it’s not so steep and hard at all.

    Though it can be tough climbing next to me, because when I’m down I’m inclined to do things like cry or ignore you or get angry with you over nothing, its worth it! Because when I get back up and I’m skipping along in the sunshine, I’m a really great person.

    If you have someone in your life that’s struggling up their own hill in the dark, could you not worry about fixing them and instead just offer to be there with them? Sometimes that’s the most meaningful thing.

    Depressed woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Access Your Intuition by Listening to Your Favorite Music

    How to Access Your Intuition by Listening to Your Favorite Music

    “Sometimes music is the only thing that takes your mind off everything else.” ~Unknown

    All major art forms can be a way to experience a deeper part of ourselves, but there is something unique about music. Perhaps it’s because music is a frequency with no physical form, so it can easily become a pathway to the formless realms of intuition and our higher selves or soul. We may never know for sure, but it is clear that music has a powerful effect.

    I have had experiences of feeling whole, connected, and complete when listening to music. However, I was not consciously aware of these experiences for a long time.

    I can remember driving my car, listening to my favorite songs, and being “transported” someplace. It was an experience of complete euphoria and wholeness. At the time, these were mainly subconscious experiences, and all I was aware of while listening was that I felt good.

    As I started to develop and use my intuitive abilities, I began to have many conscious experiences of my higher self. Only with this reference point did I become aware of how many times I connected with my higher self while listening to music. It was the same experience!

    Not all music will feel like a spiritual experience, and the pieces that do will be specific to the person listening, as we’re all unique. You may have said, without thinking much about it, that a particular song “speaks to your soul.” It does, and you will want to listen for its helpful guidance.

    Have you ever heard a song and then put it on repeat for the whole day or even a week? I sure have, many times. It seems like each time I play a favorite tune, it opens my heart a bit more to reveal hidden emotions and desires. These are the types of moments and songs you will want to observe to see what your inner wisdom is showing you.

    Over the past four months, I have been atypically listening to some of my favorite music from the 1980s; “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper, “Hazy Shade of Winter” by The Bangles, “Cherish” by Madonna, to name a few. Even current songs with an ’80’s feel find themselves first on my playlists.

    I began to internally investigate why the sudden ’80s music craze in my life when I received a knowing from my higher self that I was homesick and needed to talk more with family. I then started to recall childhood scenes of me playing with the family and neighborhood friends.

    I was in my formative years during this decade, and my siblings were still living at home. The ’80s was the only decade my entire family lived in the house before my older siblings moved away. It was a fun and joyful time in my life.

    My whole family now lives all over the country, and I live in Hawaii. We usually travel several times a year to see each other, but not this year because of the pandemic. I have been suppressing sadness about not being able to travel easily and safely to see my loved ones for many months without realizing it.

    The ’80s binge I’ve been experiencing these past few months was a way for me to emote this sadness and experience the childhood nostalgia associated with this music genre. Once my higher self revealed the deeper feelings around my recent propensity towards ’80 music, I began to reach out to my family more, which has helped with my feelings of isolation.

    Next time while listening to this music, take some time to reflect internally on what is happening and if any high levels of intuitive information are coming through. What I mean by high levels is direct guidance coming from your higher self or soul.

    There are ways to tell if you are getting intuitive guidance from your higher self while listening to music. You can observe specific characteristics right away that indicate you are receiving soul-level information.

    For example, intuitive information from your higher self is always accepting and loving. This loving feeling is inclusive and leaves none of you feeling left out or unworthy. Soul-level guidance will not come with harsh judgments and guilt trips.

    Another characteristic of soul-level information is that it will often come in very quietly. You may have heard phrases like “whispers of the soul” or “the still inner voice.” This is often the case when your soul is speaking. Music naturally stills your mind, which creates a quieter internal environment for higher guidance to come through.

    Guidance from your higher self is enveloped in peace. I notice that this peace is often present when listening to music I love. Even if a song’s message is heartbreaking, it still rides on a wave of peace if it’s speaking to my soul.

    Being in motion while listening to music, like on a bike ride or dancing, can heighten this experience of connecting to soul-level intuitive information. Movement helps “loosen” your spiritual body so you can become more open and receptive. Intuitive information will often become conscious when the physical body moves, especially if you are relaxed.

    If you’ve ever had an epiphany with your earbuds in, on a jog or an elliptical—with your mind clear, blood pumping, and heart open—you know what I mean.

    A relaxed nervous system is vital for hearing high levels of intuitive information. If the nervous system is on high alert, your internal environment will be very noisy. Information coming from the higher self is gentle and quiet, so having a relaxed nervous system will foster a space within you to hear your soul’s guidance.

    Listening to music while exercising outdoors is a great combo for hearing your intuition. We are intimately connected to the natural environment, and exercising outside in beautiful areas will naturally quiet and relax your body’s nervous system.

    I’m guessing you may have already experienced this as well. You’re at the beach, or in a park, your earbuds creating a perfect soundtrack to the beautiful, peaceful scenery, and suddenly life becomes clearer.

    If you don’t live in a place with a lot of natural outdoor beauty, put on some relaxing or heart-opening music in headphones and go for a walk. Do what you can to create a peaceful inner environment as you move around.

    Additionally, if moving around is something you can’t do, try taking a long bath or sit next to a body of water. Make the environment pleasant by lighting a candle or putting on your favorite soothing music. Water is a strong current for intuitive information. You may be surprised how much intuitive guidance will come through in these therapeutic settings.

    I have had many revelations in the tub or after a dip in the ocean. I often will get into a body of water when I’m feeling scattered, anxious, or confused. After soaking for a while, my nerves and mind will relax, and the next step I am looking for will appear.

    Whether you listen to music while exercising, at a concert, or just lounging around the house, I encourage you to think about the kinds of intuitive messages you get while listening. Is your higher self calling you to hold a different perspective, forgive, or acknowledge your true feelings about something?

    If you love lyrics, pay attention to words you’re drawn to and note what is happening in your life at that moment. Do the two relate? I tend to gravitate toward listening to instrumental songs. I feel they give me a blank canvas to interpret soul-level guidance more clearly. You may find that too.

    You will want to write down the soul-level information you receive while listening to music, apply it to your life, and then see if it has value for you. You can measure value by whether something is uplifting, useful, and helps you grow in character.

    Remember that if you closely observe your internal environment while listening to your favorite songs, you can intuitively reveal what your soul is saying to you. And then you can act on it and change your life.

  • I Hope you Heal from Your Pain

    I Hope you Heal from Your Pain

  • We Don’t Know What Tomorrow Is Going to Bring

    We Don’t Know What Tomorrow Is Going to Bring

  • Why They Wanted to Deny She Was Buddhist in Her Eulogy

    Why They Wanted to Deny She Was Buddhist in Her Eulogy

    “Live and let live.” ~Unknown

    So there I was, sitting in front of the Zoom meeting, when it happened. The overwhelming grief just hit me like a freight train. And no matter how much emotional training I tried to dig into, or self-help tricks I tried to muster up, nothing could stop the train in that moment.

    The emotions flooded over me and forced me to stop and break down with the simple, plain, beautiful, and powerful truth: I miss my friend.

    I had been so busy in this new Covid world, gathering up pictures of her for her obituary, corresponding with her family about who was going to speak and what was going to be said. Emailing back and forth with the person who was graciously designing the obituary, overseeing whether the eldest members of her family even knew what a Zoom meeting was, let alone had the equipment and technological know-how to participate.

    Everything was done via email and text, and sometimes phone. I guess I didn’t realize how much this allowed me to stay disconnected and busy.

    A brief tug of war occurred when one of my friend’s other good friends mentioned how an elderly aunt, a reverend at a local community church, decided that it would be in bad taste to mention that my friend was a Buddhist.

    Even though she had grown up in a Christian home and family, she practiced Buddhism for the last thirty years.

    “Just don’t mention that part,” she said.

    I was almost insulted.

    “But she was a Buddhist,” I blurted into the phone.

    “Yes… but… her family isn’t. And her aunt doesn’t think it’s a good idea to bring it up.”

    I felt my face getting hot. I had spent quite some time calling around to see if I could get a Buddhist monk to agree to say some prayers for my friend as we celebrated her journey in her next life. Then it took some more time to find one who knew how to work Zoom.

    A kindly monk in Brooklyn had agreed to do so. He also mentioned that, for the next month or so, they were doing daily prayers for the deceased, and that he could include my friend.

    “No, just the service will be fine,” I answered, mentally checking this off of my to-do list and not wanting to create the altar that was required to participate.

    Not that this was something I really wanted to do—all this planning—but her family was so overwhelmed with my friend’s sudden passing that they asked me and her other food friend to do it.

    I’d never done anything like this before, but of course, I simply felt I had to. That’s what my friend would do—roll up her sleeves and get it done. She was extremely strong-willed, and this was a trait I admired.

    I remember us taking a trip overseas to Indonesia. They had just had a volcano erupt right before it was our time to come. I was concerned about my friend’s ability to navigate in such circumstances (as her health condition was beginning to affect her walking ability,) and halfheartedly suggested we look into the company’s flight insurance to reschedule. But she just laughed it off.

    “We are still going. I’m so excited, I’ve never been! We have to have faith, T,” she said. “Believe everything will be alright, and it will be so. No matter what.”

    Ah, I smiled to myself. Of course.

    Even as one so dedicated to the spiritual path, and believing in what we cannot yet see, I suppose in the face of terminal illnesses and natural disasters, sometimes the “We create our own reality” spiel can seem like the furthest thing away from the truth. And yet, she proclaimed it, in the face of both.

    I was reassured that day, and promptly watched The Secret, to solidify that reassurance.

    And that’s what I loved about my friend. At one point in my spiritual journey, I thought there were only us two that talked like this, believed like this. Of course, as I journeyed into spiritual Facebook groups, I happily learned that to be untrue. But I could talk to me friend about anything.

    She was older than me and had experienced so much in life. At the time I met her eight years ago, I felt like I had hit the spiritual jackpot! She had so much wisdom, and I was ever so willing to soak it all up.

    For example, she was one of the first people in the world to go to an Abraham Hicks meeting before they were well known, and she would recount in detail the power she felt in the room that day as we discussed whether Abraham’s teachings were “real” or not.

    She taught me about meditating and chanting. She taught me that you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. She taught me that it was important to actually “walk the walk,” every day. Even as that walk became more and more of a struggle for her.

    All of this came rushing back to me as I spoke to her friend on the phone. Really, I was talking to that super religious aunt. Who did she think she was anyway? It wasn’t about her, or me, or any of us! Don’t these people know what a Celebration of Life is!

    “Well, she (the aunt,) doesn’t want anything to take away from God,” her friend sighed.

    “But this isn’t taking away from God,” I shot back. “It’s all God. It’s just a different point of view! And it was very important to her! She got up every day for thirty years at 4:30 in the morning to chant! That’s who she was!”

    My friend’s friend gathered her words carefully and deliberately. “Well… she asked me to minister her service for her, and she didn’t leave me any specific instructions for me on what to do.”

    In that moment, I snapped out of it. I muted the phone and took a deep breath, and then unmuted. “You’re right,” I said. “She did ask you. I’ll ask the monk not to come. You should do whatever you feel is best.”

    The feeling of relief from the other side of the phone was palpable, and my friend’s friend instantly became more chipper. “Great! Okay then, I’ll get to work on the program and I’ll get back to you!” she said.

    After we hung up, I sat in silence. I thought I was fighting for my friend doing an impromptu religious showdown. And I was prepared to roll up my sleeves and go to town. But why? Would it even matter to press this point now?  Especially with people who were completely set in their ways. Especially with such an intricate topic as religion.

    What was I trying to prove? My friend wasn’t like that. She lived and let live. Perhaps some part of me was still fighting for myself to be seen. Our journeys were so parallel, but I thought I had long stopped caring what religious people thought.

    It became clear to me why the universe had the monk mention the month of prayers for the departed; I knew then I’d graciously add my friend to that list.

    For the ceremony, I ended up doing a sweet video tribute of our time in Indonesia, which alluded to the spiritual, culture-loving, and exploring person that my friend was. This was the moment that choked me up during the service (as well as several others). I miss my friend.

    I missed being seen and heard and understood. I miss having an ally and someone I didn’t have to explain my spiritual journey to. I felt it was important for me to stand up to that aunt because that’s who I was too.

    I always said it didn’t matter to me what people practiced, if it’s done in love, if you invite me, I’ll come. It really is all God, so now I get to “walk the walk” in real time. Live and let live.

    Perhaps in letting go, and letting others remember my friend in the way that they chose to, I honored my friend, and what we both learned on our physical journey together, the most.

  • Being a Good Person Doesn’t Guarantee That Others Will Too

    Being a Good Person Doesn’t Guarantee That Others Will Too

  • The Unexpected Impact of Growing Up with a Difficult Mother

    The Unexpected Impact of Growing Up with a Difficult Mother

    “Difficulties in your life do not come to destroy you, but to help you realise your hidden potential and power, let difficulties know that you too are difficult.” ~Abdul Kalam

    Do you sometimes daydream that your mom is gone, and all your troubles disappear along with her?

    I used to imagine that, too.

    When Mom was in intensive care, swaying between life and death, I sat outside, shell-shocked, trembling all over my body, trying to comprehend the doctor’s words: “Her condition is critical, and only time will show if she will make it. I’m sorry.”

    For a moment, I imagined that Mom was going to die right there, in that old hospital building with rotundas, pylons, and stucco ceilings.

    And the thought of her not returning into my life felt like a relief. It felt terrific: finally, I could relax and live my own life… Then, the moment passed, and the muscles tightened around my chest, suffocating me with the energy of a rested beast.

    My mom was a fighter, and she survived against the odds. We had thirteen more years together, drifting between bad and awful. Then, close to the end, it all changed unexpectedly. It was nothing less than a miracle… or was it?

    Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bath Water

    The thing is, you can run away or go incommunicado, and it might bring you temporary relief. But sooner or later, history will catch up with you unless you stop running and heal yourself.

    Don’t misunderstand me—in extreme cases, the only way to save yourself is to get away from your tormentor. But in the majority of cases of family tension, it’s about a cavalcade of unhappy, struggling women who never felt loved by their mothers and don’t know how to love us as a result. Generations of unhappiness and needless suffering.

    It’s like being a part of the machinery, a gear in a wound-up clock that keeps running till either someone forgets to wind the clock, or one gear gets out of synchronicity and sabotages the entire mechanism.

    You can be that irreverent, rebellious gear and break out of a generational pattern of mistreatment as long as you have the will to heal. But don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

    What on earth do you mean? 

    Let me explain.

    You Are YOU Because of Your Mom

    I’m guessing your mother never really listens, or if she does, she turns it against you. She is critical, hurtful in her remarks, and she controls your life with a hard hand. And she loves to complain about her life all the time, how hard it is, how lonely and unappreciated she feels, and how tired she is, being left without help.

    These complaints drive you crazy—you have enough worries of your own. You may be still too angry and resentful to find understanding and empathy for your difficult mother. I get it.

    At your core, I know that you are kind and sensitive, a good listener, and an empathetic person. You understand the pain of others because you have been there, too. Even if you do not always know what to say, you know how to be there for another person.

    But you are also a fighter. You have to be because your mom tries to run your life according to her plan, but you won’t let her. This life is yours, you are a separate person, and only you know what’s right for you, so you have to prove to her and yourself that you can be happy on your own.

    You fight for your dreams and make them come true, one by one. You don’t wait for a fairy to come and give you everything you need to be happy served on a plate. Instead, you try to change your life for the better, bit by bit.

    You are strong and resilient, more than you give yourself credit for.

    You see, the “side effect” of being criticized and chastened, of having another’s will imposed on you, is your ability to think for yourself. You see that your mother’s behavior is irrational and confusing, and you question her judgment and decisions. You can sense people who potentially can hurt you, and you avoid getting involved with them when you listen to your inner voice.

    Always remember that that resilient and robust part of you is in there, and you can connect with it at any time. It may feel like being angry for a good reason—that anger gives you the energy to stand up for yourself. Use it to protect yourself and grow.

    You may not see it right now, but your trials are gifts to help you become a better person. Just zoom out, and you will see it—the bigger picture of your existence.

    As the Steel Was Tempered

    Each experience we live through is valuable because it teaches us a lesson we need to learn.

    Your mother was responsible for you when you were a kid. Well, you’re not a kid anymore. How you feel about yourself is your responsibility now. Take it, and you will be able to change your life.

    And what has to be done?

    Healing.

    It takes time, but that doesn’t mean you should be on a treadmill working hard all the time. You should live and enjoy your life here and now; doing so will help speed up the healing itself.

    Thinking back, the most important milestones of my healing were:

    #1 Undergoing therapy.

    Before therapy, I didn’t remember much of my childhood, and those memories that I still had were the memories I would rather forget. But the truth is, I didn’t want to remember any good stuff because it wouldn’t support the image of a terrible mother I had back then. My pain and fear so absorbed me that I couldn’t see any good in Mom at all.

    Therapy helped me to clear the anger from my heart, and doing so unfroze the good memories of my childhood: Mom reading goodnight stories for me every night; Mom making pretty dresses for me or buying me an outfit she hardly could afford; Mom spending her vacation at home so that I could take a friend to the Black Sea.

    In time, I realized that pure good and evil don’t exist—we are all mixed up, cocktails of light and darkness. Owning our shadows helps us get off a high horse of righteousness and stop pointing the finger at others. We are all humans, and that means being faulty.

    #2 Studying trauma.

    Educating myself about childhood abuse and other trauma-related topics helped me understand the cause of the problem. It also showed me that I wasn’t crazy, and none of it was my fault. That healing was possible and necessary if I wanted to live a happy life of my own. But probably the biggest takeaway was learning that I wasn’t alone in this situation.

    #3 Getting curious about my family’s history.

    Exploring my mom’s background and understanding her wounds helped me forgive her later and move on with my life.

    #4 Building boundaries and keeping my distance.

    Distancing myself emotionally from Mom helped me rebuild myself as an independent person and not an extension of her, and set up healthy boundaries.

    #5 Becoming a better daughter.

    Learning better communication skills allowed me to connect with Mom at another level, minimizing new hurt. Better communication means choosing your fights and avoiding some of the unnecessary ones.

    For example, if your mother complains about being lonely, you can validate her experience—just like that! After all, she may live alone, and if she feels lonely despite all your help, she has the right to her feelings. So by saying, “I understand, Mom, it must be tough for you,” you can prevent an attack and help her hold on to her feelings.

    P.S. You have to sound empathetic and authentic to get the response you want.

    #6 Continuing with the effort.

    Keeping up your efforts to keep contact alive to the very end, always trying to reach her, can pay off later when you least expect a change.

    Not at all costs, however. Use your judgment. In cases where there is a very malignant relationship, it’s up to you to keep your distance or avoid contact altogether.

    #7 Cultivating positive relationships.

    Making friends with emotionally healthy people can allow you to enjoy sane, healthy relationships and learn better ways of interacting.

    Is it easy? Not in the beginning, but you can learn. It can be scary, I know, but it will be rewarding, too. So, give it a chance.

    Do the Work Only You Can Do

    Losing my mom back in 2005 would probably have made my life easier in some ways, but would it have contributed to my healing and growth? Maybe not.

    And I would’ve missed the opportunity to meet a different Mom that last year of her life—that one who beamed with a smile of delight on her face when she saw me, bottomless love and appreciation in her eyes. Our mutual forgiveness and hugs—she had never hugged me before!

    All the pain and anger toward my mom are gone, and I finally feel at peace. Believe it or not, I miss her. I have pictures of her and Dad that I took from her apartment after she died; they are now in my office. I say “Good morning” to them every day when I step in.

    There’s work that only you can do. Do it not just for you, but for the next generations of your family, and also for the world, which needs kindness and acceptance more than ever. Stop trying to change your mother and use the energy to build yourself up.

    Be angry, sad, and hurt—feel it all. Then, let go and move on. If anyone can do it, it’s you, because thanks to your difficult mother, you are strong, resilient, and have a strong will to change your life for the better.

    Do it!

  • I Respect People Who Tell Me the Truth

    I Respect People Who Tell Me the Truth

  • Hate Your Life? 4 Ways to Boost Your Happiness

    Hate Your Life? 4 Ways to Boost Your Happiness

    “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” ~Desmond Tutu

    I hate my life. Does this statement ring true to you at all? Do you feel like you’re at rock bottom? The good news is, it might not be as bad as you fear.

    I spent a lot of time feeling afraid of everything.

    I had an emotional collapse, and it made life suddenly seem terrifying. What had happened? Had the town I was living in changed? Had my country suddenly become different?

    No, I had changed the filter through which I saw the world, from one of hope and joy to one of fear and hopelessness.

    My biggest problem wasn’t that I was feeling terrible, but that I had unconsciously bought into the idea that the problem was ‘out there,’ or that perhaps I had lost my mind. It frightened me to experience that level of darkness, where everything looked gloomy and hopeless.

    When We Believe Our Self-Talk and Perceptions of Our Terrible Life

    What had really happened was that, after a series of bad experiences, I got very sad and then a whole lot sadder. I didn’t realize that, after the initial painful problems, I was continuing to create a lot of my upset with my thinking processes.

    I was seeing—through my perception filter—only the darker parts of life. Everything felt greyer somehow. It got gradually worse and I became more and more entrenched in the grip of it.

    Had the bad situations caused it? Perhaps, but the real problem was that they had caused me to change my filter to grey, and I was stuck there. The more I saw the world this way, the more I expected it. The more I unconsciously expected it, the more evidence my senses found for me to confirm my fears.

    Therapists and books, in trying to help me get past my sense of pain and suffering, took me back to the time when the collapse happened, and even back to my childhood.

    I established what the original problem was and ‘worked through it.’ I agree with the necessity to work through old wounds and baggage to a degree, and it is sometimes crucial for mental wellness. However, for me, it was re-traumatizing and mostly just dug up old things I’d already accepted. I found myself back at square one over and over again. Far from recovering, I was in a circle of regression.

    What kept me going back over it was simple: The bad situations I had experienced were long over, and I had done the forgiveness and grieving, but I was still feeling bad. The only reason I could find was that I needed to do more healing work on the past. However, now that I look back, it seems what was really keeping it alive was my own belief that the problem was still there.

    The Wake-Up Call

    Here was a major truth bomb for me: While I’d certainly had experiences that were traumatizing when they happened, I was the one who was now perpetuating my pain. I had a habit of hating my life.

    Did that mean it was my fault? No, I was just doing what we all do. I had practiced feeling terrible every day, and after a month or so it had become habit. I was a professional fearful person.

    Yes, maybe the original upset or difficulties in my life were bad, but they were no longer happening. I kept them alive two ways: 1. Through learned habitual behavior and 2. By constantly picking over them to find out why I still felt bad.

    Don’t Put a Happy Face Sticker Over It

    There’s a lot of talk now of toxic positivity and concerns about putting a happy face sticker over problems. I do get that people sometimes do this. It is irresponsible to run away from a real-life problem, but I do not believe that most people who talk about toxic positivity are really warning about that.

    I believe that many people who talk about toxic positivity are actually stuck with their filter on grey, and they are arguing for their own limitations.

    There is an increased stigma around the idea of “love and light.” It’s become an almost contemptible topic. I agree that it’s ridiculous to think that “love and light” is the answer to everything. But if you feel stuck in old stuff and find that you feel less than happy about your life, I challenge you to give it a try before disregarding it as naïve or evasive.

    Please remember that even some apparently very wise spiritual and transformational helpers or gurus are still themselves very much stuck in their egos. They still want to be the hero battling their pain and discussing their survival. Just because someone is well-known and well-loved does not make them any less human. Just because they claim to know better, does not mean that they do.

    Positivity gets a bad rap in certain places on the internet, but please remember this idea that we don’t have to dwell in the difficulties is age old and has been supported by mystics and gurus since the beginning of time.

    As the old Buddhist saying states, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” I get that there is a time and a place for facing pain—dealing with circumstances and processing grief is incredibly important. But we do not need to suffer beyond the original pain.

    How to feel the Pain Without Getting Caught in Suffering

    Yes, you’ll encounter difficulties, and sometimes they will be terrible, awful, and shocking. However, once you’ve done the initial processing and the grieving process is well under way, there is a lot to be said for introducing a happy face sticker! Not to go over the wound, but to go alongside it. We don’t need to dwell in toxic positivity or negativity.

    What do I mean by initial processing of difficulties in life? It will be different for everyone and it depends on the circumstances, but what I really mean is this: Allow yourself a reasonable time to feel the feelings and then make efforts to move forward with your life!

    No one would expect you to be happy the day after you witnessed some horrible crime or after the death of a loved one. This is ridiculous and what is really meant by toxic positivity—the notion that you should be happy all of the time regardless of your circumstances.

    But there comes a time when we have to choose to shift our perspective and find reasons to smile, because it only happens if we make it happen.

    Put a Happy Face Sticker Next to it and Start Hanging Out There

    If you really hate your life, you may have gotten to the stage where you have started to believe it will never get better. Take it from someone who knows, this isn’t true. You are awake and breathing now, so there is still hope to turn everything around. I did. I am no more special than you, I have no special skills. If I can, so can you.

    If you are clinically ill, get help, that is a given. If you are unsure, reach out to a medical professional and get assistance and their opinion. This is a must!

    Once you are sure that you do not need medical intervention, be a risk taker and try the much maligned “positive thinking and action” methodology below.

    What I suggest below is what I did, and it worked for me. It has worked for clients. Does this mean it will work for you? No, not necessarily, and perhaps you will do it slightly differently. But hopefully you will be able to understand the essence of what I’m suggesting and give it a try.

    You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

    4 Ways to be Happier (The Not-So-Magic Formula)

    Firstly, suspend the idea of not wanting to buy into “toxic positivity” and try this twenty-minute morning routine for a couple of weeks. I have never had anyone report that it made them feel worse.

    Exercise as soon as you get out of bed.

    Okay, go to the bathroom first! After that, take two to ten minutes to do some stretches, weights, or aerobic exercises. Put on some music and then get started.

    I do fifteen minutes every morning with two little weights and a resistance band. I do five minutes on my legs with the resistance band, five minutes on my core on the floor or with the weights, and five minutes with the weights on my arms. My body looks better, and it gets my good-feeling chemicals pumping.

    Make a few sheets of goals, quotes, or a vision board.

    Put them up in the area where you will be doing your exercises, and read or look at them as you move to get into an empowered mindset. You can include pictures, quotes, or ideas.

    I have thirteen sheets and a load of sticky notes. I don’t read everything perfectly every day, but I read most of it every day as I work on my arms. I have mainly quotes from my favorite transformational authors, as I’m not a massive fan of setting specific goals, but whatever you choose is up to you.

    Gratitude journal.

    Take one minute and list three things you are grateful for. This is a minimum requirement. If you have time, consider writing intentions for the day or listing the ways in which you feel the universe has helped you lately.

    Even if you feel that there are twenty things that you could complain about, if there is one good thing, write about that.

    A great addition to these exercises is to look back over previous days and notice how much you have to be grateful for or how many of your intentions you have met. If you think you haven’t met any of your intentions, remember that isn’t true! If you are writing your gratitude journal on more than one day, you are showing up for you and keeping it up somewhat. A huge number of people will not even get so far.

    Be compassionate with yourself and grateful that you have shown some dedication to yourself, however small that effort may seem at first.

    Listen to something motivational and upbeat every morning.

    I do this while I am getting dressed or doing my to-do list. I watch something that talks about empowerment, what we can achieve, what is right with me and the world rather than what is wrong.

    Is it to stick my head in the sand or deny that there’s anything wrong in the world? No, it’s so that I am pumped and empowered to actually take on the task of living life.

    There is so much free content out there on social media that you can access. Do a social media search and start finding material that uplifts you and gets you thinking positively and with purpose every day.

    No one gets excited about facing pain or the destruction stretched out in front of them. So, even when there are difficult things to face, it’s crucial that we can somewhat reframe it so that we can see it as a positive challenge rather than solely a painful experience.

    When we do this, it is not to be irresponsible or to avoid the reality, but rather to give ourselves the best chance of being able to embrace what we need to do with enthusiasm and a good energy. This way we are more use to ourselves, the people around us, and the world

    Takeaway: Summary of the Plan to Shift Out of the Pain

    You don’t like your life… Okay, no need to panic.

    Take a moment to check if you might need medical assistance. If you’re not sure, reach out to a health professional. Once you’ve done this and are sure you don’t have a clinical reason for feeling so bad about life, ask yourself if you are expecting yourself to feel better before you’ve had a reasonable time to grieve or recover from a recent event.

    If something bad has happened, you will need time to feel it and process it. The world does seem to encourage us to always feel great, and this isn’t realistic. Our minds naturally want a simple solution and to get away from processing a painful experience, but it only prolongs it in the long run. Make sure you are not rushing a sensible grieving process.

    Equally, if you hate your life today, check in with yourself and ask yourself if you are perhaps just having a bad couple of days. No one feels happy all of the time, and it is unhealthy to expect yourself to do so.

    Once you’ve checked for a medical reason and that you don’t have a temporary and reasonable explanation for why you feel so bad, consider trying the ideas above and seeing what a positive start to your day might do for you.

    Do it for a month and see what changes.

    Perhaps starting your day with movement, motivation, and gratitude will not work, but I’d be surprised if it didn’t! Will it solve all of your problems? No, of course not. But hopefully, it will give you a boost of positivity and a sense of hope and show you that you can make changes that can help you to feel better about your life.

    Once you see that small changes can make a big difference, you will get excited about all the other things you can change and improve in your life. It takes you out of reverse gear and into first. It may seem small, but it’s a start, and a very positive one at that!

  • It’s Okay to Let Go of Those Who Couldn’t Love You

    It’s Okay to Let Go of Those Who Couldn’t Love You

  • What to Do When You Can’t Seem to Love Yourself

    What to Do When You Can’t Seem to Love Yourself

    “You’ll be amazed at what you attract when you start believing in what you deserve.” ~Unknown

    “You just need to love yourself more.”

    I’ve heard that advice so many times when I’ve felt rejected, inadequate, and not enough. And instead of that advice helping me, it has just made me feel even more rejected, inadequate, and not enough.

    Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t angry at the person giving me the advice—I was angry with myself for not being able to love myself unconditionally.

    It’s easier to feel love for yourself when things are going well. When you succeed at something, feel appreciated by someone, or when you feel good about yourself and your life. That’s not when the rubber hits the road. Instead, that happens when things don’t go well. When you fail, mess up, or find yourself with a heart smashed into a thousand pieces.

    It’s in those moments of darkness that love and appreciation for myself have been replaced by judgment, self-loathing, and criticism. That’s when I ‘should’ all over myself.

    It’s in those moments when I’ve been in the company of shame, rejection, and inadequacy that I’ve been told to love myself more. And that’s frankly, much easier said than done.

    Building solid self-esteem is crucial, no doubt about that. But there are different ways to build it. If you also fall into the category of people who struggle with your self-esteem, here’s another approach that truly helped me.

    You Can’t Jump from Inadequacy to Self-Love in an Instant

    In a tough period of my life, I spoke to a therapist. She told me, like so many before her had, to focus on loving myself in those dark moments. When I asked her if she herself was capable of this brilliant advice, her reply was “Oh, I know, it’s actually really hard.”

    Something can sound good in theory, but if it’s not doable to put into practice it won’t make any difference. I needed some more concrete advice I could actually use in my daily life.

    For years, I was under the impression that self-love meant loving yourself in all circumstances, no matter what. In times of happiness, success, satisfaction, gratitude, and joy—as well as in moments of darkness, failure, misery, hurt, and feelings of unworthiness.

    Later on, I realized that the step I was asked to take in those moments was too high. I understood that you can’t go from feeling angry, hurt, or inadequate to loving yourself in an instant. That’s like asking someone to walk a long staircase in one giant step. It’s pretty much impossible.

    In my experience, trying to jump too far too fast means setting yourself up for failure. And what does this lead to? Yep, even more frustration, anger, and feelings of inadequacy.

    Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to practice self-love and to tell ourselves “I love you.” But this may only resonate when you are in a somewhat good-feeling place.

    When I’ve tried to fetch too far on the love scale in moments of stress, despair, and frustration it’s made my mind go: “What the h*ck are you talking about?!” Instead of letting those words sink in, my mind has given me a long list of reasons I don’t love myself at that moment.

    And you know what? I’ve realized that’s perfectly okay. Because it’s hard to think thoughts beyond what we feel in a given moment when that emotion is overpowering. If you’re angry, you access angry thoughts. If you’re feeling insecure, you reach thoughts related to insecurity. If you’re feeling hopeful, you have thoughts connected to hopefulness.

    My point is this: We need to go step by step. We can’t expect ourselves to feel self-love, self-appreciation, and self-respect when we’re not even close to feeling these things. Instead, we need to take the next logical step that will help us feel better about ourselves. Then from that place, we can take another step in the right direction.

    Replace Love with Acceptance

    For me, everything changed when I stumbled upon these words: “I’m enough.” According to Marisa Peer, a world-renowned speaker and pioneering hypnotherapist trainer, these three words will actually change your life.

    “In my three decades as a therapist […], I’ve discovered that the root of so many modern problems— smoking, excessive drinking, compulsive shopping, depression, and overeating—come right back to a need to fill the inner emptiness of not feeling enough’ with external things.”

    Although loving ourselves under all conditions would be ideal, it’s not easy. Maybe it’s not even realistic. And what I’ve realized is that we don’t necessarily need to feel love for ourselves at all times. Instead, what we need to reach in those dark moments is a place of acceptance.

    All of our insecurities and, at times, dislike of ourselves, come from a place of not feeling enough. That time I was standing in front of a crowd, sweating and shaking, I didn’t feel competent enough. Those times I’ve questioned myself in meetings and have kept my mouth shut as a result, I haven’t felt smart enough. Those moments when I’ve looked at other people’s pictures and compared myself, I haven’t felt pretty enough.

    When we feel low on self-esteem we don’t feel enough, simple as that.

    And it’s no wonder that many of us don’t feel enough. That’s what the media and advertising keep telling us over and over again. “You need to weigh this much to be sexy.” “You need this jacket to prove that you’re in style.” “You need this car to show people that you’ve made it.” All in all, they take advantage of our insecurities.

    Self-esteem is about your overall sense of self-worth or personal value. And to truly know and feel that you are worthy, you need to feel that you are enough.

    So, to boost your self-esteem, you need to tell yourself these simple but powerful words: “I’m enough.” To remind yourself over and over and over again (because this is how adults learn: by repetition) that you are enough, no matter the circumstances.

    Realizing this was a huge relief to me. There was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing major that needed to “be fixed.” There was no need to dig into my past to figure out where my self-esteem got bruised. Instead, it’s about repeating and telling yourself that you’re enough.

    If you fail at a project and mess up, remind yourself that you are enough.

    If you come late to a meeting and feel bad for making everyone wait for you, tell yourself that, no matter the situation, you are enough.

    If you get rejected, stood up, or are left with a bruised heart, keep reminding yourself that you are enough, that you’ve always been enough, and that you always will be enough.

    Feeling enough is the baseline to strive for when you feel bad. To remind yourself that, no matter what is going on in your life, you are enough. You are smart enough, pretty enough, valuable enough, kind enough, and intelligent enough. You are enough and that is enough.

    Focus on Your Bounce-Back Rate

    What makes us often fail? That’s right, when we set the bar too high. So even if we’ve put it on a reasonable level by going from loving ourselves to knowing that we are enough, we still can’t expect that we’ll feel enough 24/7 (let’s be realistic here).

    So here’s another piece of advice that has helped me come back faster and quicker than before: When you dip into a dark hole, focus not on why you are lacking self-esteem, but on your bounce-back rate.

    How quickly can you go from feeling insecure, inadequate, and shameful to coming back to feeling enough?

    Take count, not on how many times you fall down, but instead on how quickly you manage to come back. When you fall back into negative thoughts and patterns, use it as your signal to shift and to remind yourself that you are enough.

    Remind Yourself of the Three Little Words

    Developing and nurturing your self-esteem and sense of value is crucial in life. It’s the key to giving and receiving love. It’s the doorway to self-love, self-respect, and self-compassion. And it starts with feeling enough, just the way you are.

    So, use the words “I am enough” as your foundation. Keep reminding yourself of this over and over again, until your mind starts believing you. Put up reminders on your phone, notes in your drawers, and write “I’m enough” on your bathroom mirror.

    Simply, set yourself up for success and solid self-esteem by constantly telling your mind that, no matter what is going on in your life, you are enough. “I’m enough” is the small, but very powerful sentence that will boost your self-esteem.

    Whenever you fall back into a dark hole, remind yourself that it’s not about the number of times you fall down, but about your bounce-back rate.

  • I Love the Old Souls

    I Love the Old Souls

  • Take a Little Time to Be Amazed

    Take a Little Time to Be Amazed