Tag: wisdom
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How a Cancer Misdiagnosis Helped Me Face and Heal from Health Anxiety
“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.” ~Robert Tew
“I have bad news. I am sorry. You have cancer.”
Sitting in the cold, clinical doctor’s office on a snowy, cloudy January day in Chicago, I was six months postpartum with my daughter, and I felt like I had woken up in a nightmare.
My husband had gone to work that day when I was supposed to have my stitches removed after the laparoscopic surgery to remove a large cyst, so I was alone with my daughter.
When Dr. Foley entered the room, I took one look at his face and knew something was wrong.
“Are you sure,” I asked? My daughter was munching away on her Sophie Giraffe in her stroller next to me.
“Yes, I am sure. I am so sorry.”
I started to cry. The first thing I said was “I knew I didn’t deserve a good life.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothing, it doesn’t matter now.”
He told me it was stage 1 ovarian cancer. That I would be okay. He told me I might need chemo and to have my ovaries removed, and I may not be able to have any more children. He then referred me to a gynecological specialist. I waited to see her for three weeks.
My mom flew out to help me. My husband accompanied me to my appointment with the gynecologic oncologist. The office was bleak. The women in the sitting room showed me my future.
When it was my turn for the appointment, the nurse came in with the doctor. They were pleasant and made chit chat. I could not tolerate their light-heartedness for very long as they asked me about my daughter and being a new parent. Finally, I said, “Can you tell me about my cancer please?!”
They looked at me astonished and said, “You don’t have cancer! Didn’t Doctor Foley tell you? He called us and said, ‘I have a disaster here!’ We told him it was not a disaster. What you have is a borderline mucinous cyst, which is common for women your age.”
I don’t think I have ever experienced more relief or gratitude than I felt then, not even after my children were born. What could be more profound than feeling like you were handed a death sentence and then be given a “get out of jail free card?”
I went home and felt like I had been given a second chance at life. I opened the windows, I cleaned the house, I smiled again. However, that sweetness lasted only a short time before I began to ruminate and worry again.
The relief never lasted because there was always another disaster around the corner.
For the years following, I stayed diligent. I saw cancer everywhere. I felt lumps, I felt bumps, I saw weird looking dots on my body, rashes, twitches that would have me flying into a panic. I avoided school outings because I thought a mom had cancer (turns out she has alopecia!) To this day I still get high blood pressure in the doctor’s office even if I am just going in to have a splinter removed.
I was living a traumatized person’s reality. On the surface, I was functioning, but underneath I was filled with pain and weariness. This diagnosis was one more trauma to now pile onto a lifetime of traumatic experiences.
Before I got pregnant, I had made two visits to the emergency room because I thought I was experiencing a heart attack. I routinely felt like I could not swallow and that I was choking even when I had nothing in my mouth. I often felt like I could not breathe or get enough air.
I had lots of visits to the doctor’s office, a heart ultrasound, tests for asthma, bloodwork, etc. They told me it was anxiety, but I could not believe that my mind would cause such strong symptoms.
Recently, I spent some time doing a form of EMDR on myself, going into the feeling of terror that I feel with health anxiety. It brought up an old memory of me driving with my dad at about ten years old.
He was drunk driving with my sister and me on the highway.
I remember yelling at him, “Dad if you don’t stop driving this way I am going to drive!” I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I remembered that feeling of complete helplessness and being out of control.
“Aha,” I thought to myself. That’s the first time I felt that feeling.”
Of course, it makes sense I have health anxiety and that I obsess and try to avoid or control it.
We all have formulated parts of ourselves that at one time served an important purpose—to keep us safe. My protector identity understands how overwhelmed I was and has worked my whole life to keep that feeling at bay. Health anxiety can be a manifestation of trauma.
Healing took time and intention. It also happened not in a therapy chair but in a dance studio. It was in this space where I first slowed down and was able to feel safe in my body.
I started salsa dancing and just doing the warm-up of a dancer. Moving each part of the body with intention and curiosity, helped me get acquainted with my body’s unique inner sensations so they felt more familiar and less scary.
I also tend to have a more obsessive type brain, and finding a way to channel my anxiety into healthy challenges that I can control has been crucial in getting less reactive to health scares. That means dancing more as well as starting a business.
My brain needs things to latch onto, and both of these give me what health anxiety was giving me (a place to channel overall anxiety) but in a way that feels healthier and within my control.
Finally, working on my nervous system and getting into a parasympathetic state has been incredibly healing. When you are trained to be hypervigilant, relaxing feels scary! I have found doing practices like restorative or yin yoga help me feel deeper into my body within my window of tolerance.
Slowly, with time and consistency, my life and outlook for my future started to change. The change was so profound that people saw me and asked what I was doing differently. I started to fully investigate the power of the body to influence the mind. It was at thirty-six years old I started to feel joy for the first time that I could remember.
I saw recently on Facebook an acquaintance from high school, his wife, young and beautiful with two small children, died of colon cancer. I felt so much sadness and anger at the unfairness of this. I felt compassion. I see it as growth that I did not start researching statistics or going into a health fear spiral.
Five years ago, I asked my sister what she felt when she heard the tragic news, and she told me she feels compassion.
I said to her, “Is that what normal people feel?” I saw every tragedy as a warning to get more vigilant, more hardened in my body and my mind, and as a chance to numb out to not feel the range of human emotions.
Some days, I do feel anxiety at the uncertainty of the world, and health anxiety can still pop up for me. Part of the healing process is changing the way we relate to something that we cannot change and finding healthy tools to help us a cope.
If you struggle with health anxiety, like I did—obsessing over every ache, pain, or even minor discomfort, worrying about the potential for a serious diagnosis that could irreparably change your life—it might interfere with your ability to function from day to day.
Maybe you spend hours googling your symptoms and diagnosing yourself, and regularly find yourself in doctor’s offices for the relief of hearing you’re okay—which is likely short-lived. On the flip side, your health anxiety may prevent you from taking good care of yourself, if you skip necessary medical appointments to avoid confirming your worst fears.
The irony is you might end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Excessive worry can create physical symptoms, like changes in heart rate and blood pressure, tightening in your chest, and difficulty breathing, which can further convince you that you have a terrible disease—and potentially cause health issues down the line.
Maybe you’ve experienced trauma that made you feel helpless, like me, and that’s why you fear the unknown and being out of control. Maybe you lost someone you love to a serious illness, and you’re afraid it could also happen to you, if you’re not diligent. Or maybe you have a health condition, and you’re afraid of it advancing into something even more dangerous. Whatever the cause, it is possible to heal.
The first step is recognizing the stories you’re creating in your head and how worry is interfering with your ability to enjoy the people and things you love.
The next step is accepting that you need help—and then finding the courage to seek it.
Perhaps, like me, you’ll find it beneficial to try EMDR to help you work through old traumas; and you may want to adopt a practice that calms your nervous system and gets you out of your head and into your body, like yoga or tai chi.
Or you might need the guidance of a therapist who can help you learn to challenge your fear-based thoughts and beliefs, reduce the coping behaviors that only increase your anxiety, and sit with the discomfort of uncertainty when it arises instead of creating even more anxiety.
In the end, that’s what it all comes down to: learning to accept that “bad” things may happen in life, but we can’t prevent them by staying hypervigilant and avoiding all activities that could potentially put us at risk. We may feel safer when we do these things, but we’re really just living half-alive in our attempts to protect our lives.
I do not know the outcome of much of life. What will happen to me, my children, the people I love, the world? In moments of joy, I often feel a twinge of grief. I can now hold both at the same time. I understand sadness and grief in a new way, not something to be afraid of, to numb out or push away, but simply a feeling to let move through me so I can fully experience the range of human life.
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Free Online Festival: A Different Kind of Trauma Conference
Hi friends!
Last year I invited you all to join the Embodied Trauma Conference, a powerful, healing event hosted by Tiny Buddha contributor Karine Bell.
This free, five-day online summit featured a series of talks from twenty-two thought leaders, all focusing on different aspects of healing from trauma—including developmental, sexual, racial, and intergenerational.
This year she’s offering a FREE follow-up event that I’m sure you’ll find transformative. It’s called Tending the Roots: A 4-day Odyssey of Resilience & Reimagination, Culture & Community, and it takes place next week, between April 21st and 24th.
This event will focus on our personal and communal healing, and you can expect educational and experiential workshops, and also music, movement, and art.
It will be a time of learning and connecting, experimenting and experiencing, and interacting and playing together.
Closed captioning will be available, and there will also be separate Zoom room spaces with creative activities for kids during some of the main workshop sessions (if you need something to keep them entertained while you tune in!)
Who is Tending the Roots For?
This festival exploring trauma healing and transformation, with our bodies as the site of liberation is for…
Humans, big and small. Lovers and skeptics. Those longing to connect despite wounds around connection. Dreamers and activists, Aspiring activists, body-centered practitioners, therapists, parents and caregivers, educators, artists, musicians, and anyone interested in dancing with and tending to the flame of our life energy in creative, life-supportive ways.
If you’d like to learn how trauma opens up portals of resilience and growth and connect with like-hearted people dedicated to healing in their own lives and in the world, sign up for the FREE Tending the Roots festival here.
I hope you find this unique event both cathartic and liberating!
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Why I No Longer Fight for Acknowledgment When Someone Devalues Me
“People will teach you how to love by not loving you back. People will teach you how to forgive by not apologizing. People will teach you kindness by their judgment. People will teach you how to grow by remaining stagnant. Pay attention when you’re going through pain and mysterious times. Listen to the wisdom life is trying to teach you.” ~Meredith Marple
“The ad was a misprint. We can’t offer you any monetary compensation for your writing, maybe dog treats.”
This is an actual response from a successful animal-themed magazine I was going to write for. This letter went on to say that if my love for animals exceeded my need for money, then they would be happy to have me write for them, which I took as a personal offense since I am a huge animal lover.
You can’t make this stuff up!
With experiences like these, I am no stranger to feeling devalued in my career, and I have a hard time accepting a lack of consideration and respect. Case in point…
Another magazine responded that they were interested in a particular piece I wrote, then proceeded to drop communication. Dozens of follow-ups went unanswered until the one day I had enough. I felt so disrespected, as if I didn’t matter enough to at least receive a response. I wrote a type of letter I had never written before to this magazine, and in turn, I learned a hard life lesson.
My email detailed how disappointed I was in the lack of etiquette from the people who ran this once-favorite magazine of mine.
I had let my anger build in true Sagittarian form and let out my storm of personal truth.
I received a response!
The editor apologized and forwarded this angry email onto the person above her, but guess what happened next?
I tried submitting again, and again, even recently, again!
No response.
I am convinced that they have purposely ceased communication with me now.
While the way I was raised and what I believe to be basic human decency justify this act of standing up for myself, all it really did to this person with different values, I’m sure, is make me look immature and emotional. And I imagine I burned a possible bridge.
Now I realize that, regardless of what I did, they may have continued to handle their submissions with the same disregard, but after the initial, indignant warrior high, I had nothing but regret.
What I learned is that in many situations, standing up and fighting for acknowledgement isn’t necessarily the wisest action.
This of course depends on the situation.
In this situation, I should have simply moved on instead of taking it so personally and allowing this one encounter to take up so much energy in my heart and fill my being with negativity.
There’s also nowhere to move forward when you’re living within the emotion of anger and hurt. All I did is get myself worked up over something that was beyond my control. And I failed to look at the situation objectively and consider the many reasons why they may not have responded to my emails.
I was also disrespecting myself by putting so much hope, belief, and self-identification into what, at the end of the day, is a business. There’s truth to the line, “It’s business, not personal,” yet I never seemed to grasp that enough to create emotional separation, which is what I do now.
Maybe my emails truly did get lost in the shuffle. Maybe the editor had something going on in their personal life that was overwhelming and they simply didn’t need this submission. Maybe my email was just one email too many. Maybe they’re understaffed and often far behind with emails. I can’t possibly know what’s really going on in someone else’s mind or life, and that’s the way I need to look at these situations to move on with grace.
This world is made up of many different people with different priorities and life situations. I learned that there is nothing wrong with sticking to my values and asserting myself, but it doesn’t help anything to challenge someone who is coming from a different world than my own.
Now, I ask myself…
Is standing up, speaking up, worth burning a bridge?
I think about the other person’s life and workload, and where they may be coming from, not to justify, but to understand.
I journal or create art to let the hurt out.
I take deep breaths.
I exercise the frustration and inevitable lack of closure out from my body.
“Sleeping on it” also has great value, as well as genuine quiet contemplation time.
A lot of times standing up against personal injustice doesn’t change the inflictor, but it will always change you, for better or worse.
At least that is what I have found.
Most of all, if being vulnerable with someone makes me feel horrible in my own skin because they clearly hold different values, I now walk away. I simply try to acknowledge the difference in character and move forward on my own path.
These experiences continue to crop up in different forms, and I believe have changed me for the better. People who have broken my spirit by devaluing and ignoring me have actually led me to having more empathy. I have the desire to reach out to people more because I have observed what a lack of human acknowledgement can do to a person.
I am by no means perfect—none of us are—but I promise myself that I will always get back to people in a timely manner because I know what it’s like to feel disregarded and unimportant.
I am deeply in tune to other people’s pain, which at times can make me feel unbelievably heavy but somehow creates a profound desire in me to reach out with as much love as possible.
I also really appreciate people who do respond to emails, letters, phone calls. These people remind me of who I want to be and also remind me that I get to choose who I align myself with in my personal and professional life.
I learned a lot from the times that I have acted out from my own opinions and values.
I learned that pushing my perspective on someone else often creates more harm, and in most cases won’t change how they view a particular situation. They may forever be on the opposite side of that long, thick tug-of-war rope.
Sometimes I think it’s better to let go, turn away, and face forward to the people and life that you desire. If the bridge is broken, don’t burn it, you never know, but don’t try climbing onto it because then you will inevitably fall and lose yourself in the process.
I say, continue to hold true to your values and stances and spread love by living them instead of spreading animosity by insisting on obtaining justice from those who don’t share the same life views.
Finally, keep seeking out your people, your friends who would never ignore or purposely disrespect you, because those people will reinforce to you that you deserve attention and acknowledgement, whether everyone values you or not.
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How Happiness Sneaks Up on Us If We Stop Chasing It
One day a man met a hungry tiger. He ran. The tiger chased him. Coming to a cliff, he jumped, catching hold of a tree root to stop himself falling to the bottom where, horror upon horror, another tiger waited to eat him.
He hung on for dear life to that thin root.
Then a little mouse appeared and started to nibble at the root. The mouse was hungry and the fibers started to snap.
Just then, the man saw a ripe red strawberry near him, growing from the cliff face. Holding the vine with one hand, he picked the strawberry with the other.
How sweet it tasted! How happy he was!
Buddhist Koan
There’s no good time to have a heart attack. They really mess up your plans.
The timing of mine could have been worse, though. I guess I should be grateful.
It didn’t seem that way: alone, midnight, searing pain in my spine, chest, arms. Raw fear.
At least I was at home. That’s something to be grateful for.
Three months earlier I’d been directing a show in India. Then a short trip to run a corporate training in Malaysia. I was home in the UK for less than two weeks before I’d flown to China for more corporate work.
Back from China, I drove north to Scotland to sort out my mother, moving her into a care home. A lifetime of books, pictures, clothes, and memories distilled to… almost nothing. How do you fit a lifetime into a small room?
Through all those trips, in airports, mid-workshops, late in the night, I’d had shooting, crippling, breath-stopping chest pains, which I always found some way to ignore. They passed.
I was in my fifties and fit. I was fine. There’s always some explanation, other than the obvious, when the obvious is too scary to face.
The day of my heart attack, I drove eight hours from Scotland to England and, exhausted, collapsed to bed.
I was woken by pain at midnight. At least I woke. That too is something to be grateful for.
It wasn’t a good time to have a heart attack, but it could have been worse.
There’s a lot I can be grateful for.
“Looks like a heart attack,” said the paramedic, studying an ECG print-out in the back of the ambulance. “Let’s get you to the hospital to confirm.”
“Yes, a heart attack,” confirmed the doctor, some time before dawn. “We’ll find you a bed and work out what to do with you next.”
“Not a good time,” I thought, wires taped to my chest, old men wheezing and muttering in the other beds. “I’m due in Greece on Tuesday.”
My clogged arteries didn’t much care I’d booked my flights. Things happen when they happen.
***
I was in the hospital for ten days. There were daily discussions about how to treat me. My heart attack had not been very bad, but not very good either.
Open-heart surgery or stenting?
In the end they couldn’t decide, so they left it up to me. Open-heart surgery is more invasive but maybe safer in the long term. Stents could be done in an hour and I could go home. They might not be enough though.
My choice.
I chose stents. Attention to my body is the foundation of what I do. I couldn’t bear the thought of being cut open. At least, I couldn’t bear it as long as there was some other way.
A good choice?
Time will tell.
I had to wait four days between decision and surgery. Four days in the hospital when I should have been in Greece.
The morning after I chose my treatment, I experienced something very strange. Not another heart-attack, though it happened in the region of my heart. I discovered I was happy.
Not happy about anything. Not happy because of anything. Just happy.
Completely, unconditionally happy.
I’d woken at 5am. It was June, so already it was light. The hospital was quiet.
Sunlight streamed through the window, and I lay looking at the tree outside. My bed was curtained-off, so I was wrapped in privacy.
I started reading my book, relishing the early hour, and being left alone.
A bird sang outside.
I felt spacious.
I was happy.
It was simple. It was quiet. There was a bird in the tree outside, singing, because that’s what birds do.
All that existed was a very quiet “now.” Book, sunlight, scrubby early-morning birdsong.
I was alive.
I didn’t know for how much longer, but in that moment, I was alive, and that was enough.
***
Two months later, I spent a week on an island off the Atlantic coast of Ireland. I was taking myself through a disciplined rehabilitation.
Each day I walked a little further.
I ate well and slept a lot.
I worked my stress and anxiety, which I’d ignored for decades.
A small Irish, Atlantic island in summer is warmer than in winter, but not much else changes. There’s wind and rain and wild beauty. I walked, morning, noon, and night. Each day I went further, took more risks. Slowly, I learned to trust my body again.
On the third day, I stood at the top of one of the larger hills. There was a gale blowing off the sea, and the rain was sheeting down.
It was viciously cold.
My waterproof jacket had given up, and spiteful rain ran down my spine.
I sheltered behind the hilltop cairn, and muttered, “This is vile.”
Then a warmness of the heart.
“I’m happy again,” I thought. Once again, not happy because, or happy to, or happy that, or happy for… Just happy.
***
A few times in the eighteen months since, I have felt it.
A moment of simple happiness.
What is it?
We spend so much time seeking happiness through achievement:
If I can afford this house, I’ll be happy.
If I am in relationship with this person, I’ll be happy.
If I get this job or pass this exam…
If I live by the sea…
If I had more friends…
If I had…
If I…
We seek happiness from outside. We see it as a consequence of things beyond ourselves. As if happiness was a perk of a new job, a company car, or access to the gym, or some secret room in a house we want, one day, to occupy.
But happiness is not a by-product. Happiness is.
We seek happiness from outside, extrinsically, ignoring that it lives only inside. Happiness is intrinsic.
The things that come to us from outside, extrinsic rewards, are not in our control. To rely on them for happiness is to put ourselves at the mercy of fate and luck. If we find happiness within, though, it is truly ours. We can learn to nurture it.
The new house, job, love, car, will not make you happy, though they may distract you from your dissatisfaction for a while.
Only embracing happiness in this moment will make you happy.
Like a grouchy old house cat that will not let you pet her, spurns the food you lovingly put out, and hisses if you get too close, happiness will, unexpectedly, curl up on your lap and comfort you from time to time.
Does that mean that we cannot make ourselves happier? That happiness is arbitrary and we must suffer until it visits us?
Though we can’t force that grouchy old cat to come, we can learn to sit quietly, giving her space and encouragement. We can learn to quieten our mind and allow the happiness of being alive—in this moment—to enter us. We can invite happiness in, by opening to it.
Not doing things to become happy. Letting ourselves be happy.
If I stop seeking outside of myself and start experiencing what it is to live this moment, then happiness might curl up in my chest and comfort me.
Happiness lives on a mountain in a summer gale. It sneaks into an early morning hospital room. It is here now if, between one word and the next, I pause my typing, and I wait.
It lives inside me, not in things I want, or think I need.
It’s here.
Now is a good time to be happy.
Now is the only time there is.
I am grateful I am here, now.
I am grateful that, somewhere inside me, now, there’s happiness and if I stop looking for it out there, perhaps it will come to sit on my lap.
How sweet it tasted! How happy he was!
Buddhist Koan
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How to Create Happiness Outside of a Relationship and Enjoy More of Your Life
“Remember, being happy doesn’t mean you have it all. It simply means you’re thankful for all you have.” ~Unknown
For many years I was single. But I wasn’t just a regular single, I was a miserable one.
Rather than enjoying a time in my life when I didn’t have to care about anyone else but myself and using it to devote my full attention to my purpose and passions, I chose to ride the “woe is me” train.
I would complain about being single daily and covet other women’s “luck” in dating. I would blame every guy I dated for “just not being ready,” or somehow else at fault.
I didn’t realize I was the common denominator in all my failed relationship attempts.
I was the one who chose to spend time with these men and ignore the big red flags that would crystalize themselves early on.
Instead of taking time to patiently vet and reject men that were not good for me, I allowed my desperation to entertain any man that would show interest.
My inability to find happiness outside of a relationship was ultimately what kept me single.
The saying “you attract what you are” was true in my case. I was miserable single, so I kept attracting miserable relationships.
I continued down the same path until I decided that something needed to change.
I realized that I had outsourced the job of making me happy to the many men that I dated.
Their presence, their commitment, and their interest in me would determine how happy I was. Unfortunately, due to my questionable taste in romantic partners, that would often mean not so happy. So, I decided it was time to change that.
That is when things started to shift, and I called in the life and love that I wanted. Here is what I did to find happiness outside of a relationship:
Dealing with the Absence of a Relationship
One thing I have learned is that in the absence of a romantic relationship I had to find fulfilling activities that made me happy.
When you are single you have a lot of time. Time to think about everything you feel is missing.
I would spend my evenings watching romantic movies on Hallmark wishing my life were like the plotline of the movie.
And more often than not, all it did was make me more miserable. So, I decided to utilize that free time in the evening in a better way.
I came up with a beautiful nighttime routine that included coloring, listening to music, and reading a book on spirituality or personal growth.
I would fill the void with activities that filled me up.
Same for the morning times. Instead of lying in bed and scrolling through Instagram until all I saw were couples and babies, I started running.
Not only did I get into the best shape of my life because of it, but I also discovered a new passion for running and working out that quickly turned into a hobby I’m now passionate about.
By dealing with the absence of a relationship head-on I found activities that made me happy.
Dealing with the Sadness of Singleness
The second thing I did to find happiness outside of a relationship was learn to deal with the sadness that singleness often brings with it.
It’s no secret that being single can suck.
No matter how often single people are made to believe that being single is a blessing, it can be hard to see it when that blessing seems to last forever.
What I have learned is that rather than avoiding, suppressing, and denying the sadness, I had to learn to embrace it.
I needed to allow the ebbs and flows to pan out accordingly. By deeply feeling the sadness and despair, I also enabled myself to feel the joy and excitement that followed after.
Reminding yourself that no emotion lasts forever, and that you will eventually overcome it, is the light at the end of the tunnel that keeps you going.
Therefore, you must make it a habit to tune into your inner well-being daily. Here are three ways I do it:
1. Start your mornings with a meditation practice that centers you and puts you in tune with how you are really feeling.
2. Start journaling your thoughts to better understand your fears and worries. You can commit a few minutes in the morning or evening to it.
3. Commit to a daily gratitude exercise. Multiple times throughout the day, stop what you are doing and simply list three to five things you are grateful for. They can be as simple things as your home, furniture, or the body parts that serve you well.
There are many different habits that you can choose from. The only thing that matters is that you create a safe space and routine that allows you to feel your emotions without judging them.
This will help you deal with the sadness of singleness.
Dealing with the Uncertainty of Dating
The last thing I had to learn in order to find happiness outside of a relationship was how to navigate through the dating space without feeling burned out or discouraged.
Dating nowadays feels like you are entering the twilight zone. With many different terms and stages describing the act of dating, many people are not sure what they are doing anymore.
Are you dating, hanging out, hooking up, or maybe just “chilling”?
If you don’t know, chances are you are stressed by the uncertainty. And that feeling of anxiety sucks.
It’s a constant ride on a roller coaster of emotions controlled by the other person.
So, how can you learn to deal with the uncertainty that dating oftentimes brings with it?
The first step is to increase your self-esteem and remind yourself that your relationship status does not determine your worth.
When a romantic relationship does not progress the way you want, you may feel discouraged and disappointed. These feelings are valid and should be honored; however, you have to remember that they are only feelings. That means they will pass.
Instead, use affirmations to build yourself up daily and celebrate all your minor successes, the positive impact you have on the people around you, and how far you’ve come as a person. This will help you remember all the great qualities you bring to a relationship and will be a blessing to the person you are with in the future.
The second step is to focus on the fun.
In a world of billions of people, it may take some time to find the one person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, who happens to want the same.
Uncertainty is part of the dating process. Rather than shying away from it, try to focus on the fun of dating. Meet people without any expectations and instead decide to just have a good time and enjoy their company.
By doing that, you will naturally feel less anxious, because you are not trying to control your date’s experience, only your own.
Because of today’s societal pressure to be boo’d up by a certain age, it can often feel depressing when you are not in a committed relationship. Which then leads to unhappiness.
However, by taking matters into your own hands and deciding to create happiness for yourself, you allow yourself to experience life and live in the present moment.
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Where My Depression Really Came From and What Helped Me Heal
“How you do one thing is how you do everything.” ~Unknown
One afternoon, during a particularly low slump, I was getting out of the shower. Quickly reaching for something on the sink, I knocked an old glass off the counter, shattering it onto the floor.
In most cases, one might experience stress, frustration, or sadness upon accidentally breaking an object that belongs to them. They might feel agitation on top of their already poor mood. But in the moment the glass shattered, I felt instant relief.
It was an old item I’d gotten at a thrift store, and the image on the glass was all but worn off. In the back of my mind, I’d wanted to get rid of the whole glass set, and the shattering of one of its pieces served as a firm confirmation it was time to let go.
In that unexpected moment of relief, I realized I was holding on to the glasses out of some strange obligation and a fear that I wouldn’t have the money to replace things if I gave them away.
I marveled at this interesting aspect of my consciousness I had not noticed before, wondering, “What else am I doing this with? How many things in my life are subtle burdens that I tolerate out of some vague sense of obligation? Does it really make me a “good person” to tolerate so much, to hold on to so much unwanted baggage from the past?
Suddenly, I remembered something I had recently learned from one of my mentors about depression: We must stop clinging to people, places, and things that no longer deliver the joy they once did. Even more importantly, release things that never delivered joy, even when we thought they would.
This sacred practice is all too underrated. We must cut the dead weight in our lives, even if it is unnerving. Whether it is a negative relationship, a job in which you are disrespected, a habit that is draining your health, or even some unwanted items in your home that are taking up too much space.
It is our stubborn unwillingness, our fear of letting go, that keeps us in low spirits, day after day. In these instances, we are waiting for the impossible. We are waiting for things to miraculously improve without us having to do anything different.
Even though I was in a bad mood, I thanked the glass and the sudden shattering for its lesson. The humbling realization was that I was a clinger—someone who stuck with people, places, and things long after they’d proven they were not right for me.
As the saying goes, “How you do one thing is how you do everything.” The glasses that I didn’t really want any more were a small symbol of how I was an energetic hoarder. I kept things until life forcefully yanked them out of my hands.
Often, I clung to subpar situations out of fear. I was afraid of being left alone, with nothing, so I’d gotten myself into the habit of anxiously settling. And as we all know, settling is no way to live a satisfying, dignified life.
When we settle, the parts of us that aspire to grow are denied respect. We subconsciously tell ourselves it is not worth it—we are not worth it.
My habit of settling had gotten me into more binds than I could count—low-paying jobs, incompatible relationships, boring days, and restless nights wondering what I was supposed to be doing. Why weren’t things better?
The simple answer was, I didn’t choose anything better. I didn’t know how.
When we don’t know ourselves, we don’t know what we want and need. And when we doubt our worth or our ability to make things happen, we hold ourselves back from what would make us happy. This is where depression breeds, along with burnout, stress, and apathy.
So how can this painful spiral be prevented? And if you already find yourself in this predicament, how can you climb out of the hole?
1. Assess everything in your life.
What just isn’t working, no matter how hard you try, in work, your relationships, your habits? These are the areas where you need to make a decision. Either let something go or make a change that is significant enough to transform how you feel about the situation.
2. Find the hope.
Hopelessness is a huge aspect of lingering depression. The problem is, people often try to talk themselves into being hopeful about something that actually isn’t going to work (e.g.: a relationship that was meant to end). Instead of clinging, let go and seek out new things that feel truly hopeful instead.
It’s not always easy to let go, especially when it pertains to relationships, and particularly when you’re not hopeful there’s anything better out there for you. Start by asking yourself, “Why do I believe this is the best I can do, or what I deserve?” And then, “What would I need to believe in order to let go of this thing that isn’t good for me and open myself up to something better?”
3. Change anything.
When we are stuck in a rut, it usually means things have been the same way for too long. Routine and consistency can be a poison or a cure, depending on the situation. If you’re feeling stuck, look for how doing the same thing every day isn’t working. Sometimes, making any random change is enough to shake you out of that rut.
This could mean taking a new route to work or doing something creative when you usually binge watch Netflix. Sometimes little changes can give us a surprising level of new insight and self-understanding.
4. Lastly, admit to what you really want.
If you won’t risk being hopeful and taking action toward what you really want, you will default to a life of tragic safety. You will shy away from the truth, clinging to all the things that don’t really resonate with you. Ironically, you have to be willing to risk loss to in order to acquire valuable things in life.
So start by being brave enough to admit what you really want in all aspects of your life, and perhaps more importantly, what you need. What would make you feel fulfilled and excited about life again?
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We often think of depression as a vengeful disease that robs us of our joy and vitality. But when we begin to look at our lives with more honesty, we can see depression for what it really is: a messenger.
I like to think of depression as the first phase of enlightenment—a reckoning we must endure to come out the other side with clarity. When we stop pushing negative feelings away, we can discover why they exist and what steps will resolve them.
For me, this meant letting go of how I thought my life should be and embracing how it was. Rather than lamenting about the past or obsessing about the future, I started taking practical steps to improve the present. This included cleaning up my diet, giving up a job that no longer worked for me, and digging into attachment styles to learn how to improve my relationships. The more action I took, the more hopeful and empowered I felt.
The road to happiness isn’t nearly as direct as we would like it to be, but this gives us the opportunity to access what we truly wanted all along: self-understanding, self-acceptance, and self-empowerment. Depression isn’t a problem, but a road-sign. The question is, will we ignore it, or let ourselves be guided?
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Why We Need to Be Present to Enjoy Our Lives, Not Just Productive
“Presence is far more intricate and rewarding an art than productivity. Ours is a culture that measures our worth as human beings by our efficiency, our earnings, our ability to perform this or that. The cult of productivity has its place, but worshipping at its altar daily robs us of the very capacity for joy and wonder that makes life worth living.” ~Maria Popova
I was high on productivity. I had one full-time job, two part-time jobs, and a side hustle. I was getting everything done. Sounds perfect, right?
Then I started hating my life.
I had read enough books and articles to tell me how I was not doing enough. Enough self-help gurus had told me that what I needed to do was max out every single hour I had to be minutely close to being “successful.”
My co-workers often got intimidated by my jam-packed calendar. I don’t exaggerate when I say that every minute of my life was scheduled. Sheldon-level scheduled, with dedicated “bathroom breaks” and everything.
I ran three to-do lists: daily, weekly, monthly. This was my way of setting out for maximum efficiency. I said “yes” to my boss so often I had become his favorite. Work-life balance, what’s that?
Tasks were flying off my list like never before—so many horizontal breakthroughs! I wore this as my badge of honor for a while, this art of getting it all done. And why not? I was rewarded for it in money, praise, promotions, awe.
But then it didn’t feel so great. Instead, I became downright miserable.
Why Busyness-Productivity Is A Mirage
I don’t claim that productivity is bad. Doing fulfilling work by minimizing distractions and getting deep focus is truly rewarding.
But it is crucial to stop and question why you’re doing what you’re doing. It is necessary to pause and reflect on the value of your tasks and actions. Otherwise, productivity translates to useless busyness.
When I became this productivity freak, I never stopped to ask if any of the things I was doing were giving my life meaning. I was doing a demanding full-time job that didn’t provide me any purpose. My days became a blur of mindless task completions. My mind, heart, and soul were absent from my work. Any given Monday didn’t look so different from a Tuesday three weeks prior.
And it wasn’t even like I was happy.
I was meeting all my deadlines, but I was spending no time with my family. There were enough accolades to prove all my achievements but not enough art to fulfill my soul. I answered every email I received within twenty-four hours, but I hardly focused on long-term self-growth.
On the outside, my life never looked better. But on the inside, I was worse than I had ever been. Distraction, schedules, irritability, and deadlines were the monsters that ruled my life.
After a month-long burnout, I hit the problem nail in the head. I knew I needed to move on. But how? I resolved to take a calculated leap of faith. I found a client willing to pay me for my freelancing services for at least two to three months and made a thick emergency fund by cutting out on expenses. Then, I quit the unfulfilling full-time job and gave my heart to work that I truly found meaning in. I stopped making productivity my goal. I opted to choose presence instead.
Presence > Productivity
I read Annie Dillard’s, The Writing Life, in which she memorably wrote, “how we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives.”
After reading this book, I realized that productivity would only be fruitful when coupled with presence. I knew then that presence was what would make my rewards meaningful.
What is presence? Presence is the art of being in the moment, the luxury of pausing, the virtue of stillness. It is being alert, aware, and alive to this moment.
There’s a reason why our culture runs for productivity instead of presence. Productivity helps us shut away from reality. It keeps us “busy” into a future that is yet to manifest.
It is so much easier and convenient to take the shield of productivity against the beautiful, buoyant, and sometimes disruptively painful present.
Performing one task after next gives us an excuse to not fully live, not completely concentrate, not unbiasedly accept.
I used to be that way—trying to avoid the truth that I was not finding my work meaningful. I wouldn’t accept that this job was emptying me slowly, living in denial of a reality I was living. Was I not getting things done? I was, more than ever before. But was I happy? I had never been more unhappy with my own choices.
Being productive every minute of every day meant I could avoid the fact that many of my friendships were depleting, toxic, and unhealthy. I was lying to myself that it was all to have a good social life. In reality, I would go out of my way to avoid being alone, to avoid answering the big questions pertaining to my life that can only be answered in solitude.
But coupling our actions with productivity and presence can have an astounding effect on our lives. It can make every task we do driven with intention, purpose, and meaning. Presence is what helps us reap the internal rewards that come with doing fulfilling work.
Choosing Presence
If you are anything like me, choosing presence over productivity can take some practice. Productivity was my normal mode of operation. It was easy; it came naturally. But opting for presence in my actions wasn’t so simple.
The art of being present and intentional in all my tasks was like writing with my non-dominant left hand. I searched for help and stumbled upon Tim Ferris. He often says to think of your epitaph to cut through all the noise and maze of productivity. It is a way to find out what truly matters to you by getting a super-zoomed out version of your life.
As morbid as it sounds, that is what I did. I imagined what I would like to carve on my epitaph, and the important stuff came into a laser-sharp focus:
I needed to write. I needed to make time for solitude, for serendipity, for hobbies. I wanted to create more memories with my family. I wanted to let go of draining friendships and put all my energy into relationships that filled me with fulfillment, meaning, and growth. Taking it one step at a time, I decided to hand in my resignation. I landed my first writing gig in under two weeks.
And hey, it’s not like I don’t struggle to write with my left hand anymore. But I am growing each day. It takes some practice and effort to make room in your calendar to “be present.” I am learning to be uncomfortable by turning the volume down of “getting things done.”
I have noticed that it is the minor changes that count. It is taking a little more time to craft that email mindfully. It is that courageous “no” to a project that can help you surpass your quarterly KPIs but take away from your family time. It is choosing to take a soothing fifteen-minute walk break over checking off another mindless to-do list task.
Presence is a process. It requires the discipline to focus on the present moment when productivity pushes you to see a non-existent future. Presence is your un-busy existence of utterly unadulterated joy. It is your creativity’s cradle. It is your time to just be.
So do it. Make the hard choice. Live your life with presence to help you find joy in the now instead of pushing toward some destination in the future. None of us really know where the future will bring us, but we can all choose to enjoy the scenery along the way.
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Feel Hurt in Your Relationship? How to Get Your Needs Met and Feel Closer
“The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra
I used to handle hurtful situations in relationships the same way. I’d get angry, shut down, get irritated, or just give my partner the silent treatment. This just led to more of what I didn’t want—separation, loneliness, and frustration.
So one day I made up my mind. I was going to change my approach and try something different. Cause we’ve all heard that famous saying from Albert Einstein: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I was tired of not getting the level of intimacy in my relationships that I longed for. I was tired of feeling alone, frustrated, and separated from my partner, especially during the moments when I felt most hurt.
It all turned around in one single moment.
People think that change happens incrementally over time, but in my experience it’s often a defining moment in time where you make a new decision that changes everything.
Turning Separation into Intimacy
Let me take you back to this moment… I was upset, lying in bed next to my partner. Earlier that evening we had attended a birthday party, and my partner’s ex was there. Truth to be told, it made me jealous.
Looking back, I had no real reason to be jealous, but that’s the innate nature of jealousy—it’s never rational, it’s emotional. On instinct, I handled the situation as I always did when I felt jealous, inferior, or threatened. I shut down, got irritated and cold, and gave him the silent treatment.
“What’s the matter?” my boyfriend asked for probably the hundredth time that evening. (Have you ever been in a situation where your partner asks you the same question over and over again, and you repeat the same answer over and over again, secretly wishing that he’d read your mind?)
“It’s nothing,” I replied with a cold tone, and turned my back on him. That’s where I started to ask myself what was really going on. What I realized was this: At the core, I was not really angry, upset, or irritated. I was hurt and afraid. I felt exposed and rejected.
So I made a new choice there and then. I told him what the situation was really about: me not feeling pretty enough, not lovable enough, scared that he would choose someone else and leave me. And believe me, it was extremely scary to be vulnerable and expose myself in that way. I was way outside of my comfort zone, but it was truly worth it.
When I dared to communicate honestly from my heart, I received what I needed: love, connection, and confirmation. This shift that I made during the conflict changed everything and made us, as a couple, closer than ever before. It opened up the door to a new level of communication and intimacy.
Today, instead of pointing fingers at each other, we always try to take responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, and emotions. To stay honest and vulnerable, even when the stormy weather of negative emotions desperately tries to separate us and impose conflict.
Assuming you’re in a healthy relationship with someone who would never intentionally hurt you, you too can turn conflict into deeper intimacy and not only feel closer to your partner, but also better meet your needs. Here’s the process that I follow to turn hurtful situations into intimacy:
1. Stop and notice your emotions.
The first step is to become aware of your emotions. Just stop and catch yourself when you feel hurt, angry, disappointed, jealous, irritated, lonely, etc. Don’t beat yourself up for having those emotions. To become aware of them is the first vital step in the process.
For me, it was feelings of jealousy, irritation, anger, and separation that came over me.
2. Ask yourself what story you’re telling yourself about the situation.
What thoughts and beliefs do you have? It’s often very helpful to write down your story. The story in your head generates the emotions in your body, and it’s therefore crucial to become aware of your specific story.
In my case, the story was the following: “My boyfriend still has feelings for his ex. He’s mean and doesn’t respect me. I don’t want to be close to him. I want to punish him and make him suffer. Also, I knew it; I can’t trust people, they always leave and hurt me.”
3. Scrutinize your story.
The stories that we play in our minds are often influenced by past memories and experiences. And they tend to trigger strong emotions, which makes us blindfolded; we aren’t capable of acting or thinking rationally.
So, what we need to do is to scrutinize and question our story. Is this really true? Do I know for sure that this is the way it is? What are guesses, assumptions, and projections, and what are the actual facts?
In my case, I had very few facts. My boyfriend had not left me, nor had he said or done anything that implied that he had feelings for his ex. When I scrutinized my negative and destructive story, I realized that there was little evidence to support it.
4. Identify the root cause.
Ask yourself what it’s really about. What are you not willing to see or feel that needs to be seen or felt?
In my case, the root cause was me not feeling pretty enough, not lovable enough, and scared that he would choose someone else and leave me.
This can be a tough one, but give yourself some love and credit for being brave enough to acknowledge your shadow. It’s key to be kind toward yourself, because this stage requires vulnerability. Trust me, the reward of doing so is immense!
5. Reveal your true needs.
When you know the root cause, ask yourself: “What is the underlying need that is not being met right now?” Is it to be loved? To feel connection? To feel special and significant? To feel safe? To tell what your heart is experiencing?
Also, separate the needs that stem from fear and the needs that stem from love.
Instinctively, I would have answered that I needed space and some time alone to think and reflect. That may sound rational and sound, but that was only my ego trying to avoid facing the real issue and pain. That only increased the distance and separation between me and my partner. To help you navigate this and to find the real, underlying need, ask yourself, “Is this need based on love or fear?”
For me, the underlying needs were love and connection. I needed to feel my boyfriend’s love and presence. What I desperately longed for was a hug from him. A sincere hug that made me feel safe and seen. A loving hug that ultimately made me feel loved, significant. and special.
6. Dare to be vulnerable with the other person.
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” ~Brené Brown
If this is a person that you truly want in your life, that you like a lot or love, then you have to take the risk of being vulnerable. You have to open up and tell the other person what you really feel. But really take time and contemplate this one. Not everyone deserves your vulnerable communication.
I know that this can be very scary. The first time I did it, I stumbled on my words and I wasn’t able to look my partner in the eye. That’s how scared I was. But I did it anyway. And the reward was huge.
So take a deep breath and speak your truth, tell the other person how you’re experiencing the situation right now, and dare to express your real underlying need(s).
7. Take responsibility and own your thoughts and feelings.
See the situation as an opportunity to acknowledge what you need to work on in life. See it as an opportunity to get closer to yourself and other people. Most importantly, don’t expect others to fix you.
On my side, I realized that I have a hard time loving myself. But that was not my partner’s problem to fix. At the end of the day, I had to find a way to love myself, with or without his love.
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Next time you are in a situation where you feel hurt, stop and reflect. Use the steps outlined above to move from separation to intimacy with the people you love.
And remember to be loving and kind to yourself while you do it. No one is perfect, and you show courage by even wanting to look at the situation from a new angle. So stay curious and compassionate toward yourself and others. You got this!
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On Those Hard Days When You Feel Like Nothing You Do Matters
“Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You’re important. You’re loved. Your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not.” ~Unknown
Today I woke up feeling like nothing I do matters. I didn’t want to wake up feeling like this, but I did.
I got myself out of bed, brushed my teeth, and went through the motions until things inside my mind started to feel unbearable.
The first thing I did was try to reason with myself, tell myself that, of course I matter. I tell everyone else in my life that they matter and they’re enough just as they are. But there is a tiny voice in my mind that feels loud. Just chanting, “You know you’re trash, people are lying to you. You know you do terrible things and have hurt other people. Just give up.”
It reminds me of every mistake I’ve ever made. It attacks me with memories of my hurting someone with how I worded something or reminds me of someone who blocked me on social media, or just said, “I don’t like her because of xyz.”
This feels immobilizing. By the time I am done with this thought process I cannot leave the living room chair I am sitting in. I pull a blanket up to my chin, curl up into a small ball, and start crying. “You’re right,” I say to myself. “You win. I should just give up.”
My mind is spiraling with everything I have ever done that went unnoticed, that no one cared about. The essays I wrote that only a few people read. The points I made that were later recycled and went on to be successful once someone else made those same points that didn’t seem to matter when they came from me. And I have the overwhelming feeling that I deserved the bad reception, because I, too, am bad.
Never mind that there are dozens of things that I’ve done that were greatly appreciated. That made a difference. That moved someone else enough to say, “This helped me.”
Never mind that sometimes we can’t control algorithms, SEO, and the like.
Never mind that sometimes you make a stupid spelling mistake even though you re-read your piece fourteen times. You just didn’t notice it, but people were turned off from the piece because of it.
That’s the thing, being a mental health advocate, I feel like my whole purpose on some days as I struggle to get by is to hear someone say, “This helped me.” And if I helped no one, then why did I do it?
But while I was busy worrying about who I have helped and if my helping got noticed, I may have forgotten to help myself.
All the clichés, the putting on my own oxygen mask first, filling my own cup to fill others, they are reminders that I need on a daily basis, or I risk becoming my own victim.
And honestly, to me, there is nothing worse than someone who is helping other people just to be a martyr. They continue toiling to help others but neglect themselves so that they can say, “I almost died doing things for other people.”
Who are you useful to once dead, or even just burned out? The fight for mental health awareness and to end the stigma is long arduous. And if my goal really is to help others, to be there for the long haul, then I must find a reason to also do it for myself.
That mean voice feels so loud, but suddenly an argument erupts in my mind.
The other side finally feels empowered to speak because I kept pushing, although mentally exhausted, against the part of me that was convinced I deserve nothing. I told the quieter voice that it was okay if I messed up. That this doesn’t negate everything I have done that has helped someone, and yes, even if that was just one person. Even if it just helped me to get it out there into the universe.
And really, the main thing is this: Everything we do doesn’t have to matter on a grand scale. It doesn’t have to leave others speechless. It doesn’t have to change the world. Just doing it is something to be proud of.
Suddenly I feel a small sense of ease. I am tired from arguing with myself. I am tense from sitting in a tight ball with my jaw clenched this whole time. I unravel myself. I release my jaw. I inhale deeply and release more tension as I exhale. I choose to open up my laptop and write about what went on in my mind just now.
If you’ve ever felt this way, like nothing you do matters and it’s never good enough—like you have to do more or be more so people will notice that you matter and you’re good enough—here’s what I’d like you to know:
You are allowed to simply live. You are allowed to just be you. You are allowed to just exist and for that to be enough. You are allowed to be content with just breathing on some days. And you are allowed to be proud of yourself for wanting to help others, even if on some days it seems you’ve helped no one but yourself. It’s enough. You’re enough.
