Tiny Buddha

Tag: dreams

  • What to Do When You Feel Stuck, Stagnant, and Bored with Your Life

    What to Do When You Feel Stuck, Stagnant, and Bored with Your Life

    “Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place.” ~L.J. Vanier

    Earlier last year, I felt like I finally had it all. Good education? Check. Respectable corporate job? Check. Decent salary? Check. Fancy car? Check. Charming, funny, and handsome boyfriend? Check. Stylish apartment? Check.

    I should’ve been happy. So why didn’t I feel like I was? My life looked perfect on paper. So why did it still feel so empty? I’d done everything I thought I was supposed to. So why did I feel like a fraud? I had everything I’d ever wanted. So why didn’t it feel like enough?

    The answer is simple: I’d been too busy trying to curate a life that looked good on the outside to recognize how I felt on the inside. I’d been too busy trying to be who other people wanted me to be to realize who I actually was. I’d been too busy trying to seem important to identify what was actually important to me.

    I’d been too busy blindly going through the motions to realize that I was settling for jobs that didn’t align with my dreams, relationships that didn’t align with my needs, and a lifestyle that didn’t align with my values.

    For years, I’d been running on autopilot, my perpetual action serving as a convenient distraction. And it worked. Right up until the moment that I unpacked the last box on the day that my boyfriend and I moved in together.

    Because, as I sat there in our big, beautiful apartment, looking around at the designer furniture that I’d so carefully picked out and the face of the man that I’d not-so-carefully chosen to spend my life with, it hit me: Everything that I’d spent so long dreaming about was here, firmly within my grasp. It was a moment that had I had always fantasized about. But this was not how I imagined I would feel.

    At first, I put it down to situational jitters. Sure, I was crippled with anxiety, paralyzed by fear, and plagued with self-doubt most of the time, but that’s normal, right? It was a big transition, after all.

    And admitting to myself that something wasn’t working would mean making changes. Admitting to myself that I’d chosen the wrong path would mean stepping into the unknown. Admitting to myself that I wasn’t happy would mean taking responsibility. And I sure as hell wasn’t ready to do that.

    But with each hollow day and each sleepless night that passed, the feelings of dread, dissatisfaction, and emptiness only grew more and more unshakable.

    It wasn’t until the facade inevitably collapsed and I found myself single, unemployed, and moving back in with my parents that I realized: Those feelings weren’t a coincidence. They were a warning. A flashing, neon-lit sign that something was very, very wrong.

    The truth is, no amount of external approval can truly satisfy us. No amount of material excess can rescue us from our feelings. No amount of romantic attention can make our problems go away. And no amount of hedonistic thrills can fill the void of a soul that’s been neglected.

    For my entire adult life, I’d consistently and consciously chosen money over meaning, chemistry over connection, and validation over truth—and now I was paying the price.

    When the objects and attachments that had long awarded me the illusion of safety, purpose, and identity were gone, suddenly, I was unanchored, drifting and directionless, grasping for anything to save me from drowning in the sea of emptiness that stretched before me.

    I knew that I should be doing something with my life. But what? I had no hobbies, no interests, and no passions. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, let alone what I wanted to do.

    Besides, I was too shy, too cautious, too boring. People like me don’t do brave and adventurous things like starting a blog or becoming a yoga teacher or traveling the world. People like me conform and comply and consent to the life that has been prescribed to them.

    But rock bottom is a bittersweet place. Because when you find yourself face-to-face with your fears, you have no choice but to overcome them. When you no longer know who you are, you have no choice but to rediscover yourself. And when your entire life has fallen apart, you have no choice but to rebuild it.

    A spiritual awakening, an early-life crisis, a dark night of the soul—call it what you want. All I know is that, up until that point, it felt like I had been asleep, and I was finally starting to wake up. And the world didn’t seem so scary anymore. In fact, it seemed full of exciting possibilities.

    For the first time in my life, I felt alive and ready to follow my heart.

    So began a magical journey of self-discovery. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, like a seed sprouting into a plant, like a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly, I was reborn. And this new life that I’ve created is far better than the one that I left behind.

    The thing is, the minute I loosened my grip on the plans I had for the future, the minute I released the self-limiting beliefs that had dictated the way that I lived, the minute I shed the fictional expectations I’d placed on myself, I was liberated. Liberated from the life that had been crushing my hopes, repressing my dreams, sapping my spirit, and bankrupting my soul.

    The minute I gave myself permission to be me is the minute that I learned the true meaning of freedom.

    This last year, I’ve seen places that I never thought I would, done things that I never thought I could, and changed in ways that I didn’t think possible.

    I’ve launched a blog, joined a yoga course, taken a solo backpacking trip, taught myself new skills, made new friends and connections, started new hobbies, and set myself goals. I’ve said goodbye to the corporate world that was corrupting my values, the unhealthy relationships that were dragging me down, and the destructive habits that were holding me back.

    And I haven’t looked back since.

    So what can you do if you find yourself sleepwalking through life, feeling stuck, stagnant, dazed, and disconnected?

    Slow down.

    You don’t have to make any decisions right away. In fact, the more time you take, the better.

    You can’t make effective choices if you’re afraid. You can’t make accurate assessments if you’re checked out. And you can’t discover what’s really meaningful to you if you’ve lost touch with your emotions.

    So give yourself space. Make self-care a priority. Tune in to yourself.

    And the answers that you’ve been looking for? You’ll probably find that they’ve been right there inside of you all along. Chances are, you just haven’t been paying attention.

    Stop comparing.  

    Too often, we allow ourselves to fall into the trap of measuring ourselves against others. And with Instagram feeds inundated with skinny waistlines, flashy cocktail bars, exotic adventures, and picture-perfect families, who can really blame us?

    But just because something is right for someone else doesn’t mean that it’s right for you. Just because someone else seems like they’ve got it together doesn’t mean that they do. And just because the grass looks greener on the other side doesn’t mean that it is.

    So stop comparing your chapter one to someone else’s chapter twenty. Own your mess. Know that you are enough, imperfections and all.

    Get to know yourself.

    In the midst of my personal crisis, I would spend hours trawling the Internet, frantically Googling things like “how do I find my passion?” But I learned that your passion isn’t something you find. It isn’t something you discover overnight. And it isn’t something that has the power to change your life. Only you can do that.

    Life isn’t about finding your passion. It’s about being curious. Curious about who you are, about what you have to offer the world, and about what’s deeply and authentically important to you.

    So get introspective. Explore new things. Learn what lights you up.

    Ask yourself: What are your hobbies? What topics are you interested in? What are you good at? What are your values? Who do you admire and why? What have you always wanted to try but never had the money/time/courage to do? What activities did you enjoy as a child?

    And if you find something that scares you and excites you at the same time, do that.

    Let go.

    Nothing in life is permanent. Everything is changing all of the time. And the more you resist, the more you cling, the more you struggle against reality, the more you’re going to suffer.

    The reality is, most of what happens in life is out of your control. And in attempting to change, force, or manipulate your circumstances to meet your ideals, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.

    But if you learn how to relax with the uncertainty, how to surrender to the natural flow of life, and how to release what no longer serves you, you’re going to make way for what will serve you. So let go of the old blueprint you had for your life, the expectations that you set for yourself, and the idea that the past could or should have been different.

    Be open to change. Allow things to fall away. Trust that things will unfold as they are supposed to.

    Be true to yourself.

    This is your life. It’s up to you to decide what you do with it.

    The only thing standing between you and your dreams is you. And if you let your fears dictate your choices, if you let external opinions govern your actions, and if you let negative thoughts influence your beliefs, you’ll end up settling for what’s comfortable for you instead of what’s best for you.

    So stop getting in your own way. Define what success means to you and say no to everything that isn’t that. Don’t be afraid to share your gifts with the world—because we’re waiting.

    We might not be able to choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we spend our time on this Earth.

    We can choose to spend it working toward our dreams, or we can choose to spend it working toward someone else’s.

    We can choose to spend it doing something that is meaningful to us, or we can choose to spend it doing something that is meaningful to someone else.

    We can choose to spend it following our hearts, or we can choose to spend it helping someone else to follow theirs.

    I know what I’d rather be doing. Do you?

    “There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and you ask ‘What if I fall?’ Oh but my darling, what if you fly.” ~Eric Hanson

  • To Do What You Really Want to Do, You Need to Befriend your Inner Critic

    To Do What You Really Want to Do, You Need to Befriend your Inner Critic

    “Our ‘inside critics’ have intimate knowledge of us and can zero in on our weakest spots.” ~SARK

    We live in a world that often glorifies the power of positive thinking and affirmations.

    Don’t get me wrong, affirmations can be a powerful tool to help us acknowledge our self-worth. We need to learn to look for the positive and to be grateful for all the beautiful things in our lives if we want to be happy. Befriending your inner critic may seem to be in contradiction to these goals.

    A couple of years ago I began to pursue the creative life I had always dreamed about. I wanted to be happy and change the circumstances that weren’t bringing me joy. I had always wanted to be a writer, but I struggled with blocks on every level. Every book and blog I read seemed to agree that I needed to practice gratitude. They offered affirmations to help me get unstuck. But it didn’t seem to work.

    I struggled to be grateful. I couldn’t bring myself to believe the things I wanted to affirm in my life. My inner critic had long been in control of my thought patterns; trying to ignore the negativity seemed only to make it louder and more insistent.

    My inner critic is, at times, a little kid who will do anything to get the attention it craves. Sometimes it is a bitter old woman, muttering to herself in the corner about all the ways life has wronged her. Until I began to pay attention, I had no idea just how constant this background noise was in my brain.

    And it turns out I couldn’t learn to be a happier, more positive person without learning how to talk to my inner critic first. She was whispering in my ear all the time, trying to hold me back. I had to learn to listen to her fears and start to talk back and challenge what she said.

    The more adept I got at the process of befriending my inner critic, the more gratitude started to come naturally. It had been there all along but had been drowned out by all the negative noise I had been doing my best to ignore.

    Who or What is Your Inner Critic?

    Scientists tell us that we have a negativity bias. We are hardwired to anticipate danger and take action to avoid it.

    In the days when big brown bears were out to eat us for lunch, this was a useful adaptation. But when it comes to writing or any other creative pursuit, we are rarely in mortal danger.

    No one will die if I take the risk to write about the things in my heart. But my inner critic is aligned with my negativity bias and will do her best to tell me all the dangers that await me when I step out of my comfort zone and open myself to the creative possibilities of my life.

    Within my body the dangers can feel the same; it can feel as if I might die every time someone points out a missed comma. My inner critic is something of a drama queen, blowing everything out of proportion. The fear of criticism, the fear of judgment for every misspelled word, and the fear of rejection when I put myself out there all feel like they could be the end of the world.

    Your inner critic may also sound a lot like a hyper-critical parent or sibling or friend. Someone who let their own fears have too much power and tried to project them onto you. But it’s not helpful to blame others, or yourself, for negative thinking. Treating your inner critic with compassion and understanding does not mean you have to believe what she says.

    Once I knew this, I could see that my inner critic meant well but was misguided in her approach. She was trying to do her best for me, not wanting me to get hurt or disappointed if life failed to live up to my dreams. But I didn’t have to give her any power over whether or not I pursued my writing.

    Before I understood who my inner critic was and how to respond to her, the dialogue in my head went something like this:

    Me: “My writing is important, even if only to me.”

    Inner critic: “No, it isn’t. Who are you to create anything? Stop wasting your time. You don’t have what it takes.”

    And before I even get to be grateful to have the time and resources to be a writer, I’ve been stopped in my tracks. I may as well go check out cat videos on YouTube and distract myself back to feeling okay. What’s the point in wasting my time on this writing thing?

    And I was blocked and unable to move forward.

    What is it that you want to pursue in this life? How is your inner critic holding you back?

    What to Do About Your Inner Critic?

    In her book The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron calls these critical thoughts “blurts.” They seem to come from nowhere and blurt out. I am calling the voice of my thoughts my inner critic; I find it helpful to personify the critical voices in my mind. Others use the phrase inner tribunal, or even your inner mean girl.

    In The Artist’s Way Cameron suggests that you make a list of all your blurts. First, find an affirmation about who you want to be, e.g.: “I am a creative being who has the power to create the life of her dreams.” Then write down all the negative things your inner critic throws at you when you think about the creative work you long to do.

    We often think giving too much attention to our negative thoughts amplifies them. But our aim is not to dwell on those things. And trying to push them to the back of your mind rarely makes them go away. Knowing what your inner critic is telling you gives you the power to turn those thoughts around.

    So once you have a list of all the things your inner critic is telling you, the next thing you need to do is gently approach each thought and ask if it is true.

    Maybe it could go something like this:

    Me: “I have the power to create the life of my dreams.”

    Inner critic: “But you never finish anything, and you’re disorganized, and you just don’t have the talent.”

    Me: “Thanks for the positive feedback. But yeah, I mean you may have a point, I’m always starting new things and….WAIT! That’s not right. I finish the important stuff. I finish the things that matter to me; not every idea I have is worth pursuing. And I’m organized enough. I can learn to be more organized if I need to, but I achieved x,y,z and …”

    Inner critic: “You’re wasting your time trying to write.”

    Me: “Am I? Watching cat videos on Facebook, that is wasting time. Although cats are cute. But trying to write? That’s growing, learning, and doing the thing I keep saying I want to do. How is that wasting time?”

    You get the picture. You can talk back to your inner critic. You don’t have to believe anything it says. Your power comes through questioning every negative thought and asking if it’s true. Once you know it isn’t true you can start moving forward with your plans.

    My inner critic is a needy child who wants attention. But I no longer believe what she says, and I don’t let her negativity control what I do and don’t do with my time.

    Stop Fighting Your Demons and Make Peace with Yourself

    We are often told to fight our demons, or slay the dragon of our negativity and break up with our inner critic. I no longer find this way of thinking helpful, for two reasons:

    1. It puts us to war against ourselves.

    2. It doesn’t work. My inner critic is amazingly tenacious!

    I have found it more helpful to befriend my inner critic. She really is just doing her best and trying to save me from me. The problem is she has no idea how to do this. I am learning to treat her like we all want to be treated—with kindness, understanding, and curiosity.

    She is free to believe whatever she wants even though it doesn’t make her happy. I’m listening but not letting her define the way I think anymore. Maybe she needs reassuring that everything is going to be okay. She lives in the most primitive part of our brains, the lizard brain that has no reason or logic, just fear.

    Her fears are just that, fears. What’s the worst that can happen? You work on your dreams, and it doesn’t work out. That’s going to hurt, but no one will die. You’ll be fine, and you will get over the disappointment. Besides, you’ve faced setbacks before and come out of them stronger.

    Which would bring you more regret? To have let your inner critic have the upper hand and never have tried? Or to have tried and failed and tried again?

  • 7 Ways to Know If Your Sacrifices Are Worth It

    7 Ways to Know If Your Sacrifices Are Worth It

    “The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    Have you ever looked at the path you’ve chosen and questioned if your sacrifices have been worth it? If you’ve prioritized the “right” things, pursued worthy goals, and ultimately, made “good” choices?

    Have you ever wondered if you’ll one day look back on your life and regret not only what you did, but also what you didn’t do, because maybe you’ll feel you wasted your time or somehow missed out on something important?

    If you answered no to these questions, you’re my new hero. I admire anyone who lives with such presence they never question what they’re doing because they’re too busy living it.

    But I, a consummate over-thinker, am not that person.

    I started thinking about this just recently after listening to the second episode of Next Creator Up, a podcast I’m producing with my partner in many things and show host Ehren Prudhel.

    In this interview, LA-based actress and filmmaker Melissa Center talked a little about what she’s had to sacrifice for her dreams. And though she got emotional when discussing the very different lives her friends and family are living—lives with houses, children, and financial security—she ultimately concluded that, for her, all the sacrifices have been worth it.

    She explained her reasoning, and I admired her sense of certainty. Because I know how easy it is to doubt yourself in a culture that not only promotes the idea of “having it all” but also bombards us with images of people pursuing alternative, seemingly better paths.

    I also know how hard it is to feel confident in our decisions, particularly because of many of us are disconnected from ourselves. If we don’t know what we stand for, it’s awfully hard to ascertain what’s worth prioritizing and what’s worth giving up.

    With this in mind, I decided to create this list of ways to know if your sacrifices are worth it. A lot of this comes down to knowing yourself.

    If you’ve been questioning your path, perhaps this will help you fully commit to it—or make the tough decision to change directions.

    7 Ways to Know if Your Sacrifices Are Worth It

    1. What you’re doing aligns with your values.

    We all have different core values—things we stand for and regard as crucial for our overall life satisfaction.

    When we live in alignment with our values, and honor them through our choices, we feel a sense of peace, even if our lives are sometimes challenging. When we we’re out of alignment, we feel internal conflict.

    For example, my top values are freedom, creativity, adventure, family, and integrity.

    I could never sacrifice my integrity to make money. Sure, I’d love to roll around on a bed full of cash, but the pain of acting without integrity would override the joy of financial abundance.

    I could never choose a lifestyle that leaves little room for spontaneity or limits my ability to visit my family. No matter what the rewards of said lifestyle, I would ultimately feel conflicted and dissatisfied.

    If your choices require you to sacrifice the things that matter most to you, regardless of the potential rewards, you will ultimately feel unfulfilled. If your sacrifices don’t threaten what’s most important to you—or at least not beyond the short-term—then they’re far more likely to feel worth it.

    2. You’re living your own version of success.

    Much like we all have our own values, we all have our own definition of success. Contrary to what our culture might suggest, there’s no one-size-fits-all scenario.

    My grandmother, who was one of my greatest heroes, lived a life very different from mine to date. She lived all of her eighty-two years in the same city, married young and had four kids, and devoted every bit of her free time to her family.

    She rarely traveled, didn’t have much money, and seemed perfectly content—ecstatic, even—to live the same day over and over again.

    If you gave her a table crammed with her loud Italian kids and grandkids, and a big pot of pasta to feed them, she was happy.

    Because she valued family, she never complained when caring for my grandfather, who ultimately lost both of his legs to diabetes. Caring for him took much of her time and energy, and she rarely did much for herself.

    But this—this love, this loyalty, this generosity of spirit—this is what defined a successful life to her, so ultimately, it was all worth it.

    Ask yourself what success looks like to you, and why. What do you do? What do you give? What do you gain?

    If you’re living your own version of success, then the satisfaction of enjoying what you have likely far outweighs the pain of accepting what you lack.

    3. You’re not trading happiness today for the hope of happiness tomorrow.

    You may have read the story of the Mexican fisherman before, but if not, here’s a condensed version:

    An American investment banker ran into a local fisherman in a small Mexican village and, seeing the several large tuna in his boat, asked the man how long it took him to catch them.

    When the fisherman said it didn’t take long, the banker questioned why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more. The fisherman said he had enough to meet his family’s needs.

    When asked what he did with the rest of his time, he answered, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

    Hearing this, the banker offered the fisherman his help in creating a business—so he could buy more boats, catch more fish, and eventually be at the helm of an empire. This would require him to relocate, but in fifteen to twenty years, he’d be rich.

    The fisherman asked what he would do then, to which the banker responded, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

    I think of this often when making life choices. If there’s nothing about an opportunity that excites me and fills me passion and purpose—if it’s solely about creating some ideal life down the road, or worse, meeting an ego need for success or validation—it’s most likely not worth my time and energy.

    Stop and ask yourself: Is this is a process I can throw myself into with enthusiasm? Or am I sacrificing potential joy now in the hope of finding joy later?

    4. You could be satisfied with your choice even if you didn’t reach your ideal outcome.

    Building on the last point, you know your sacrifices are worth it if you could be content with your choices regardless of where they lead you.

    If you need to make a certain amount of money, or reach your ideal goal exactly as you visualize it, to justify what you’ve given up, then you’re setting yourself up for potential heartache. Because there are no guarantees in life.

    No matter how hard you work, how much time you devote, or how smart or talented you are, you could one day realize that your efforts didn’t pay off in the way you hoped they would.

    Or, they could pay off for a while, and then something could change—you might have to switch gears to care for a loved one, or could lose everything due to circumstances you couldn’t possibly have predicted.

    If you could look at the time spent and conclude it wasn’t wasted—because you enjoyed yourself, felt a sense of purpose, or made a difference for other people—then in the end, your sacrifices are more likely to feel worth it.

     5. You’re still able to meet your needs, despite your sacrifices.

    When asked what surprised him most about humanity, the Dalai Lama said, “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

    No rewards—monetary or otherwise—are worth sacrificing our physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

    If you’re working so hard that you have little time to eat well, exercise, and get sufficient sleep—and you end up overweight, exhausted, and on track for a heart attack—would any reward or glory really justify it?

    There are many things I would sacrifice for a cause I believe in or a dream that excites me—I don’t need luxuries, I don’t mind buying used, and I also don’t care if I own a car or a home.

    But I won’t sacrifice the things I need to function at my best. I can’t be present, and I’m no good for anyone or anything, if I’m physically weakened and so stressed that I’m constantly ready to snap.

     6. You only or mostly question your sacrifices when you compare yourself to other people.

    Though I’ve sacrificed a sense of community because I’ve chosen a free-spirited, nomadic life of adventure, I don’t often regret the path I’ve taken for all the reasons listed above.

    But every now and then I compare myself to other people and question if perhaps I should have what they have.

    I see people on Facebook who are a lot like my grandmother—lifers in one town, well connected to many, dialed into local causes—and I wonder if I’ve prioritized the wrong things.

    I’ve lived the life George Bailey fantasized about in the 1940’s holiday classic. But wasn’t his life lauded as somehow more wonderful than the life of an adventure-seeking dreamer and wanderer—and also far more meaningful?

    I see old friends on Instagram building new memories with people they’ve hung around with for decades, and lament that, unlike them, I’d have a hard time creating a large bridal party if I were to ever get married.

    Aren’t connections the most important thing in life? And do mine really count if they involve less face time—if I’m not at every family dinner, every holiday, and every milestone?

    But when I put my phone down and dig my heels into my own life, I remember that no matter what I choose, it’s a choice not to do something else. No one has it all. And those who have what I lack likely envy and glamorize what I have at times, just like I sometimes romanticize their circumstances.

    If you feel happy on the whole when you’re fully present on your path, and only question it when you take your eyes off the road, then odds are, your sacrifices are worth it.

     7. Your current path brings you meaning.

    We are all wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain—what positive psychologists refer to as hedonic happiness.

    This is what we feel when we do something that boosts our mood, and it’s why we often chase varied highs. We sometimes think “the good life” means abundant leisure time, fun, and excitement. And those things are definitely awesome, which is why we’re often willing to make sacrifices in the present in the hope of having more of them in the future (see #3).

    But there’s another kind of happiness that doesn’t depend on hedonistic pleasure. It’s called eudaimonic happiness.

    This is what we experience when we have meaning in our lives. When we devote ourselves to something bigger than ourselves. When we take on new challenges, grow, and use our strengths to contribute to the greater good in some way.

    If you’re doing something that feels deeply meaningful to you—if you’ve dedicated your life to a cause, you feel engaged in your devotion to it, and you feel proud of the impact you’re making—it will be a lot easier to make peace with sacrifices.

    This might mean working at a non-profit that pays you very little but enables you to make a tangible difference in other people’s lives.

    Or volunteering during your free time, which limits some of your social options but fills you with a sense of pride and purpose.

    Or raising children and going without sometimes, knowing your sacrifices are directly benefitting them and enabling them to grow into strong, healthy people.

    Ask yourself: Do I feel a sense of meaning? Am I proud of the person I’m being? Am I doing something that matters not just to me but also the world at large? Odds are, if you answer yes to these questions, you’ll look back without regret for what you gave up in order to give what you gave.

    —

    The number of realities we each could be living is absolutely mind-blowing if you think about it. Change any one choice and, through the butterfly effect, our lives could look completely different.

    And each of those little worlds would have its own gifts and challenges. In every possible scenario we’d have some rewards, some sacrifices, and some occasional doubts about whether the former justifies the latter.

    The good news is, as long as we’re still breathing, it’s never too late to change directions. If ever we recognize we’re not being the people we want to be or doing what we really want to do, we can take a new path, or even pave one where there is none.

    At any time we can decide to rebuild our lives around what we value, live our own version of success, and create a life of joy and meaning.

    —

    If you’re interested in listening to Melissa’s interview, about her experiences with her short and first feature film and the sacrifices of being an artist, you can find it here. And if you haven’t heard the first episode yet, with singer/songwriter Kelley McRae, you can find it here. 

  • How to Keep Going When You’re Not Good at Something New

    How to Keep Going When You’re Not Good at Something New

    I believe the people who are the most satisfied in life are those who feel the most alive.

    We generally feel most alive when we propel ourselves out of our comfort zone and seize new possibilities for meaning, excitement, and passion. But unfortunately, we’re wired to do what feels easy and safe, and it rarely feels easy or safe to be a beginner.

    No one wants to feel like Bambi taking his first wobbly first steps—weak, inept, like he could fall over at any time.

    And no one wants to feel as vulnerably exposed as Napoleon Dynamite during his awkward “Vote for Pedro” dance, an audience of underwhelmed peers staring blankly back at him, possibly judging in their heads.

    We want to feel competent, confident, and proud. Like we know what we’re doing and we’re doing it well. But that’s not usually how it works when we’re just starting out.

    Recently I’ve been helping produce a new podcast called Next Creator Up, a show that helps people get out of their own way and create what they want to create. In the first episode, Ehren Prudhel, my partner in many things, interviewed singer/songwriter Kelley McRae.

    After spending years touring, Kelley wanted to focus more on connection, community, and giving back, and ultimately started Song Rise Arts—a non-profit through which she helps underprivileged youth share their stories through song.

    Though her interview was full of aha moments for me, one thing that really stuck out for me was a discussion about getting a win quickly.

    She shared how she helps her kids complete something on day one so that they feel proud of themselves and motivated to continue.

    It’s such a simple idea, and yet incredibly powerful.

    Think about it: How many times have you tried something new and hard, felt overwhelmed, and then decided it wasn’t for you?

    I remember when I was really into step aerobics in my twenties. I liked to stand in the front row in class so I could see my form in the mirror.

    Since I’d been taking classes for months, I never felt insecure being front and center. In fact, I felt confident and proud of myself for hopping around up there with such precision of movement—so much so that it blinded me to the potential consequences of stationing my newby friend right beside me in the spotlight.

    Looking back, I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me that she likely wouldn’t appreciate being quite so visible while learning something new.

    Sure enough, she struggled throughout the entire class, every misstep reflected back to the whole group in the mirror; she felt discouraged and embarrassed; and she never again came back.

    I’ve had many similar experiences like this myself.

    Like the time I decided to learn to cook. One would think, after my aerobics experience, I would have recognized the importance of starting small and safe. But no.

    I didn’t try an easy recipe for one simple dish. I tried a four-course gourmet meal, burned most of it, then decided to go back to sandwiches and frozen food. Because I just wasn’t meant to cook.

    Then there was the time when I first tried painting. It would have made sense to find a class for beginners or a YouTube tutorial for something basic. But instead I overspent on art supplies, including a massive canvas, and quickly felt discouraged when I realized my piece looked like something I’d painted blindfolded. And drunk.

    In both situations, I expected instant perfection and set myself up for failure—not just in the moment but also in the long-term. I went from someone who could learn to cook and paint, in time, to someone who was afraid to try. Because I sucked at both… or so I thought.

    I now understand the importance of creating an early win, and continuing to create small wins over time, which I’ve learned requires me to do the following:

    • Adopt a growth mindset
    • Start small
    • Hold reasonable expectations
    • Avoid comparisons
    • Give myself credit

    If you want to feel more alive, and have identified a way to stretch into new territory, this is the path to seeing it through.

    Adopt a growth mindset.

    This is a crucial first step because you have to believe in your capacity to grow and improve, or you likely won’t allow yourself to keep going after your first imperfect attempt.

    Psychology professor Carol Dweck coined the terms “fixed mindset” and “growth mindset” over thirty years ago after studying thousands of kids and recognizing two opposing belief systems that influenced their efforts and their outcomes.

    People with a “fixed mindset” believe that success is based on innate ability—meaning you either have it or you don’t, and if you fail, it’s confirmation of the latter. It means you’re not talented enough, smart enough, or good enough, so there’s no point in trying any further because you’ll just make yourself look bad.

    People with a “growth mindset” believe that failures are part of learning, and if they keep trying, they can get better over time. Because they believe this, they keep showing up and eventually confirm their own belief. They may feel embarrassed when starting out, but they understand this is just part of the process.

    It turns out growth truly is possible for anyone. Research in brain plasticity has shown that through repeated practice—at anything—we can build new pathways in our brain, enabling continued progress.

    I remember when I was in Amsterdam, where more people ride bikes than drive cars. I had never ridden a bike in a street before, or ridden a bike at all since childhood, and I struggled to start up again whenever a red light turned green.

    On my first day, I was holding up bike traffic at an intersection as I tried to get myself going, so I turned my head and told the biker behind me, “Sorry, I’m not really good at this!” With a huge grin, he responded, “Not yet!”

    And he was right. By the end of my month there, I was stopping and starting like a pro, something that couldn’t have happened if I kicked my bike to the curb in resignation on day one.

    So before you go into this new thing, whatever it is, no matter how hard, recognize that ineptitude is just a starting point, and if you put in the time, even just a little every day, you will eventually see results. 

    Start small.

    When we feel a sense of accomplishment, it activates the reward center of our brain, releasing the neurochemical dopamine. Because we feel good, we’re then driven to do more.

    And the thing is, we don’t actually need to achieve massive success to feel a sense of accomplishment. Even a small win—like writing one section of a blog post or signing up for a class—can motivate us to keep moving forward.

    This isn’t relevant only when pursuing passions and professional goals; the same principle applies with everything you might want to improve in your life.

    If you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, applying one lesson or tool from therapy or personal research can help you feel encouraged and inspire more healthy choices.

    If you’d like to improve your financial situation, unsubscribing from one store newsletter or bringing lunch instead of buying it can empower you to make more smart money decisions.

    Or, if you’re trying to improve your health, walking ten minutes on a treadmill or smoking one fewer cigarette today could help you find the motivation to keep taking tiny steps forward.

    This was actually the most helpful approach I used when recovering from bulimia. The treatment centers preached abstinence, and for good reason, I know—setbacks can have fatal consequences when you’re putting such strain on your heart.

    But I was too far in to simply stop, and every slipup created massive shame, which then led to more slipups. So instead of expecting perfection, I told myself to do one fewer disordered behavior today, and to do at least the same tomorrow, or one fewer than that if I could.

    Sure enough, I eventually started to feel proud of myself, my pride built momentum, and through that momentum (along with continued therapy to address trauma from my past), I slowly healed.

    Hold reasonable expectations.

    In order to start small, you have to be willing to let go of any unrealistic expectations about what you should be able to accomplish.

    This isn’t always easy to do. We live in a culture that promotes extraordinary natural talent as an indicator of worth, and celebrates “overnight success” as the ultimate sign of accomplishment.

    But the truth is, even people with natural talent need to work hard to excel at their craft, and “overnight success” usually happens after months and years of work that no one knew to recognize, because it wasn’t public.

    So let go of the idea that you should be anywhere other than where you are. Release yourself from the burden of believing your current skill level says anything about who you are as a person, or what’s possible for you.

    If you’re going to expect anything as you start doing something new, expect that:

    • You may not be very good at it.
    • You may feel embarrassed if other people are watching.
    • You may follow every small win with (what feels like) a small failure.
    • You may feel frustrated and wish you could do more than you can do.
    • You may not be able to live up to your own taste level (another insight from Kelley’s interview).
    • You may want to give up because it feels too hard.
    • You may make slower progress than you’d like.
    • But if you accept all of the above and keep showing up anyways, you will eventually see results.

    Avoid comparisons.

    There’s a quote I love that reads, “Don’t compare your chapter one to someone else’s chapter twenty.” I’d extend this further to include, “Or someone else’s chapter one.”

    It’s tempting to judge ourselves based on someone else’s capabilities or accomplishments, especially since they’re in our face all day, every day, on social media. But all this does is feed into our insecurities and doubts and leave us feeling inadequate and discouraged.

    We’re all starting from different places, with different backgrounds, strengths, and skill levels. And we all have different wants, priorities, and values. Maybe you value balance, so you’re moving more slowly than someone else who works around the clock and deprioritizes family time and sleep.

    You could compare yourself to that person, but would it really be a fair comparison?

    And even if you are making a fair comparison, does it actually serve you in any way?

    I’m not going to lie; knowing this doesn’t always make it easy for me to stop comparing myself to other people.

    I sometimes see people who seem to be doing better, question if maybe they’re just fundamentally better—not just at whatever they’re doing, but also as people—and then get stuck in a cycle of shame and self-judgment. And sometimes this all happens so quickly I don’t even realize I’m doing it.

    If you find it hard to avoid comparisons, then maybe a better goal, for now, is to avoid comparison triggers.

    If you know you get down on yourself when you look at a specific person’s Facebook updates, unfollow them. If you can’t read about the greats in your niche without feeling like a failure, don’t read about them.

    Keep your eyes on your own path so you’re less apt to convince yourself your small wins are insignificant.

    Give yourself credit.

     A small win only has value if you acknowledge it, so stop and create some self-satisfaction by asking yourself the following questions:

    • What did I do right or well?
    • Why was this impressive or noteworthy for me specifically, based on my unique personality, past, and challenges?
    • What fears did I have to push through to do this?
    • In what way did this push me out of my comfort zone?
    • Why is this small win actually a big win?
    • What would I say to a friend or my child if they had a small win like this?

    Proactively choose to build yourself up for doing whatever you did, no matter how small, and you’ll be more likely to do the same, or even more, tomorrow. Then you’ll give yourself more credit, feel even more motivated, and slowly, over time, become the person you want to be and do the things you want to do.

    —

    If you’re interested in hearing the podcast episode I mentioned at the start of this post, you can find it here, along with detailed show notes.

    I’m incredibly proud of Ehren, the show’s host, who’s pushed himself outside of his comfort zone with this new venture, and has been collecting small wins over the last several months leading up to this launch.

    And I’m beyond inspired by Kelley McRae, a talented musician and brilliant teacher who’s making a tremendous difference for low-income kids by enabling them to tell their stories through song.

  • Why I’m Done Standing on the Sidelines of Life

    Why I’m Done Standing on the Sidelines of Life

    “If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done. Make at least one definite move daily toward your goal.” ~Bruce Lee

    It’s easy to criticize others.

    It’s easier to sit outside a situation than be in it.

    Ironically, it’s easy to belittle someone else’s efforts without making any real effort ourselves.

    The safe side of the ropes is an easier choice than committing to being in the ring, truly baring something. It’s also a softer option.

    It’s much harder to have skin in the game.

    It takes guts, and a healthy degree of get up and go, to put ourselves out there. To put our work and ideas out there with no guarantee they will gain any traction. To commit ourselves to competition, with no guarantees our hands will be raised in victory.

    Personal Experiences: The ‘Writer’ Who Never Writes

    I know all about living on the safe side of the ropes, as for too many years I was a ‘writer’ who never wrote.

    Some people are blessed to know what they want to do with their lives from an early age. They follow that path, committed to making it work wholeheartedly. No backup plan required.

    I’ve never been that person. I’ve tried; I’ve tripped and fallen into all sorts of ways of earning a living. And I eventually landed in a space that fits my lifestyle for the most part, with the amount of freedom I have, and also pays me well for my time as a consultant and company of one (me).

    The downside is that this career path doesn’t always fulfill me. There is a creative gap at times.  I have ideas that don’t always belong in my client work but burn away at me anyway.

    Writing has always been something I’ve been drawn to. I’ve read books throughout my life and have always appreciated the beauty in a perfectly framed run of words.

    Much earlier in my life I had a few unspectacular efforts to write some articles. Some work ended in print, but most didn’t make the cut. Even back then, perhaps fueled with a young man’s inflated ego, I fancied myself as something of a writer but lacked the work ethic or skills to back up my ideals.

    I wasn’t willing to commit myself to the craft, not even close. I wasn’t willing to have ten ideas rejected by editors so the eleventh would possibly be accepted. So, other than crafting business cases or technical process documents for consulting clients, I didn’t write (creatively).

    I occasionally promised myself I’d write, I even postured that I could do better than those who did, but I continued to remain passively on the sidelines.

    Until one day, the inertia all became too much. Yes, the safe side of the ropes was easier to some degree, but it was also uncomfortable. An itch was being left unscratched. I decided it was time I put my skin in the game.  

    So I started a simple blog. Two blogs, in fact. One based on some of the ideas that had been burning away at me and one based around haiku. (I also fancied myself as a poet who, you guessed it, rarely wrote any actual poetry!)

    Did the world stand up and take notice? Of course not. In fact, I look back now and think my initial efforts were pretty awful and unstructured (some would argue my writing remains that way). However, something magical did start to happen in me.

    The creative itch and ideas that had gnawed at me started to see light. I started to commit more time to writing. I started to make it a priority in my days and weeks. I strived to get better.

    This process all started eight or so years ago. The blogs have changed (one being retired), but my writing has continued. Books have followed. Writing has become an important part of my life. An important way for me to express myself and share something in me that may have remained covered up otherwise.

    Is it how I pay all my bills now? No, and I’m really not sure that’s the point. Committing myself to the process of making my work the best it can be, of trying to make today’s work better than yesterday’s, is reward in of itself. I have invested myself in the process.

    Do I still dream of a day where I’m a full-time writer and the words I labor over support my lifestyle fully and pay for my travels? You bet I do. However, I’m also going to keep turning up to write regardless.  I’ll carry on turning up to write until I feel I have nothing left to say, and then I’ll stop. And, to be clear, I hope I never stop while breath remains in me.

    I’ve realized that the very act of putting skin in the game is reward enough. I’m in the (writing) ring, baring a little and sometimes a lot of myself. It’s hard work at times, but it’s also exhilarating.

    The Nobility of Applying Ourselves

    There is risk attached to putting ourselves in the mix. Daring where others dare not. Committing ourselves when others second guess, or stand on the sidelines. But there is something to be earned in putting ourselves to the test. It’s where we will often learn most about ourselves. It’s where we grow. Sometimes it’s even where we define ourselves.

    To test ourselves is to learn to trust in ourselves. Whether we try and succeed immediately, or more realistically, try and fall down, pick ourselves up again, and then succeed, each time we apply ourselves we bolster the habit of getting out of the blocks. We learn to embrace, and revel in, taking action. We liberate ourselves.

    Putting ourselves to the test can take many guises. It could be a first public speaking engagement, it could be a first marathon, it could be a first child, it could be flying solo with a business idea, it could be signing up for a competition. It could involve testing ourselves physically or mentally (and often both at once).

    There is honor to be found in applying ourselves. There is respect to be found in trying to be the best we can be. There is reward to be found in the toil of striving to get better, little by little, regardless of the outcome.

    Our Choices Shape Us

    The choice is ours to make.

    We can live a passive life, never truly putting ourselves out there, and possibly shooting down the efforts of others. We can live a life of itches never fully scratched. We can leave dreams left un-chased.

    Or we can commit ourselves to an all together different route.

    We can commit to try harder, to do better, to be better. We can bare something of ourselves to the world. We can put our skin firmly in the game. We can seek to make an impact in our own small but significant way.

  • People Need to Be Encouraged

    People Need to Be Encouraged

  • Fellow Dreamers: If You Feel Like a Fool, You’re on the Right Track

    Fellow Dreamers: If You Feel Like a Fool, You’re on the Right Track

    “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy

    I’m a fool.

    Well, it’s more accurate to say I’ve been a fool often, and I’m ashamed.

    My life, no different from many, has had some successes but also many setbacks and outright failures. I suppose this is just another way of saying I’ve lived.

    The problem is that I’ve allowed my mistakes, errors, and failures to hold me back.

    We’ve all felt like a fool before, but when has doing so made it more difficult to be the you you’ve always wanted to be? To try the things you’ve wanted to try? To live the life you’ve wanted to live?

    I’ve never mentioned this to anyone before. Not my mother, brother, best friends, my girlfriend, or even a random person I’ve met in another country who would never see me again nor remember my name. Why? Because I was a fool and I’m ashamed.

    I’m ashamed, not because I’ve made a fool of myself, but because I allowed it to rob me of what could have been.

    In college, which now seems like forever ago, I decided I would finally act on my musical impulse. I had long loved music, and nearly anything that could be played on a guitar. I had finally decided I would take one step to learning how to play.

    So, with one of my elective credits, I enrolled in a Guitar 100 class. I didn’t rent a guitar, just in case I didn’t like it. I’ve always been in the habit of just jumping into things, perhaps a little too recklessly. I get excited! I just bought the guitar, a big ole case, a box of picks, then rolled into class, wide eyed, dreaming of the day when I would play my favorite songs, or better yet, write and play my first hit.

    It was a night class, and it was the first one, so the class was packed. It was in a large room, there must have been sixty or more people. Everyone had a guitar in hand.

    The instructor showed us a few basics, such as where to position our fingers. Then, he said to the class, let’s do the fun part; let’s strum.

    The room all at once came alive with the joyous and playful sounds of sixty strumming guitar hopefuls. Everyone was into it. We were strumming, and strumming, and strumming. People were having a blast, you could see it on their faces. There was an electricity in the air. We were all making music, but then it stopped.

    Well, everyone but me.

    I was so excited, off in my own world of acoustic joy, that I missed the instructor’s signal to stop. The result was fifty-nine other silent guitars, and me strum, strum, strumming away.

    Once I noticed I was the only one jamming, I quickly stopped, but the class laughed.

    They weren’t being mean. In fact, it was funny. Years removed I could see, as if it were part of a movie scene, how funny it would be to have a guy in Guitar 100 jamming with his eyes closed as if he was on the verge of becoming the next Clapton, while everyone else was awaiting their next lesson.

    But at the time, it felt devastating. I’d made a fool of myself, and they all saw it. I thought to myself, I can’t go back to this class. I’m a rookie, bound to make more mistakes, bigger mistakes, even more embarrassing mistakes. I couldn’t sit next to the same people again, and wonder what they were thinking.

    So, I quit.

    I never played the guitar again. My new guitar went straight into storage. I finished the class that night, but never went back. When friends or family asked me why I stopped, I would say, well, my fingers hurt. I have soft hands, and I didn’t have time anyway. That was true, but it wasn’t the truth.

    I’ve never been so ashamed. Not for making a fool of myself, but for quitting over something so ridiculous. What would life have been like if I’d learned how to play?

    I let the cascading rumination and fears and insecurity rob me of what could have been. I used a simple mistake as an excuse to quit and took my shame and ran away.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about the guitar recently because I’m now trying to do something that matters again.

    Very soon I’ll submit my new podcast to iTunes, and soon after that, I’ll launch.

    It almost didn’t happen. The process wasn’t easy. In fact, I’ve looked like a fool a few times. I’ve been considering a podcast for a couple years. In fact, I’ve had the URL for Next Creator Up for over a year. I even conducted one of my interviews six months ago.

    I’ve nearly quit, multiple times. I’ve had a lot of excuses, some truer than others. There are nearly a million podcasts, why would someone listen to mine? It’s not unique enough; it won’t stand out. I’m not an expert. I’m not funny, successful, interesting, I’m not “fill in the blank.”

    I’ve wanted to be a host since high school. I grew up listening to sportscasters and watching The Tonight Show. They got to discuss cool ideas, interact with inspiring guests, and tell fun stories.

    That has been me without a mic. I love talking with people, listening to their stories, and learning from their experiences.

    But just loving something and wanting to be something are not enough. You’ve got to be willing to push past feeling like a fool.

    My first guest had to listen to me “ah” and “um” myself into incoherent statements, followed by ridiculous questions. Thankfully you can edit a podcast.

    Another guest saw that I didn’t press record, after my illustrious introduction. Rookie mistake.

    But every time I’ve interviewed a creative professional who has put themselves out there—put their ideas, thoughts, and feelings on the line—I’ve been inspired. I’ve learned something from each guest I’ve interviewed so far, but more than that, they’ve kept me going.

    I was once working on a screenplay where the mentor character said to the protagonist, “If you’re afraid to bomb, you’ll never blow up.”

    I never realized until recently that that was meant for me. Also, it should come as no shock that because that script was so personal, I was afraid to finish it. And, yes, the main character played the guitar.

    More than anything in life I’ve been afraid to put myself out there. To be vulnerable publically. I could talk to anyone, but not with a mic. I could make a crowd laugh, but not on cue. I could act, but not on camera. When it mattered, I didn’t show up.

    I would always tell myself that the next time, I would do it. I would make it happen. There was always a next time. I let myself of the hook.

    I suspect I’m not the only one who’s done this. No one wants to feel exposed or open themselves up to judgment. No one wants to show how much they care—to put their heart and their passion on the line—and then fail, publicly.

    So we hide. We hold off. We wait for a better time. The perfect time. As if that’s really a thing.

    We sit clutching our creative scars—the harsh words from unsupportive people, the bad experiences, the false starts and failures, all the times we’ve felt foolish—and we use it all as an excuse to hold ourselves back.

    We don’t want to feel those uncomfortable emotions again. But those emotions are the gateway to beauty, innovation, and fulfillment. Not just fulfillment for us, but for all the people who’ll be inspired by what we have to share. People whose lives could be changed for the better because of us, if only we pushed through our initial discomfort.

    I want to push through that discomfort. I want to show my passion, because everything beautiful in this world came from someone who cared more than they feared. Or at least acted like they did.

    Next Creator Up is the living embodiment of what I hope to be and whom I’ve been running from. It’s a call to arms. The path of most resistance that I’ve been resisting. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I’m doing it.

    It’s April Fools’ Day, and we are bound to hear of or be a part of a fun, practical joke or zany gotcha, or be party to or even the victim of a prank. And it’s all in good fun.

    But for the rest of the year, if you feel like a fool, I hope you know you’re not alone, and I hope you don’t give up. I hope you play your music, make your art, and explore your passions and talents.

    So today, let’s agree to be okay with feeling or looking a little foolish.

    Instead of being ashamed for strumming a little too long, or tripping over our words, or doing whatever we do imperfectly, let’s see it as a sign we’re on the right track, because we’re showing up and putting ourselves out there. We’re pushing through our fear, knowing it’s the only way to be the people we want to be and do the things we want to do.

    We all have something to say and something to give. We all have a passion and a gift. So let’s stop hiding and share them.

  • Slow, Imperfect Progress Is Better Than None at All

    Slow, Imperfect Progress Is Better Than None at All

    “When perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun, and fear is that annoying backseat driver.” Brené Brown

    Sometimes I feel like the girl who cried film.

    I first wrote a blog post introducing Tiny Buddha Productions three years ago, and despite my earnestness, passion, and enthusiasm, I have only one short film to show for myself.

    When I was working on this short, which we filmed partly in my apartment—in my bedroom, amid the worn clothes and shoes in my walk-in closet even—I felt more alive and aligned than I’d felt in years.

    I was doing something I’d wanted to do since college, in LA, the mecca of filmmaking, with a team of talented people I admired and respected.

    I was telling a story that felt deeply personal and authentic to me, sometimes tearing up behind the camera because it was finally happening, after months of planning, failing, and trying again.

    It kind of felt like a Jerry Maguire moment. I wasn’t my father’s son again, but I was the old me again—the me who felt most at home amidst lights, costumes, and makeup, even when I was standing back and watching other people shine. The me who felt a sense of belonging in a family of oddball actors and crewmembers who seemed like reflections of myself.

    Then we released the short. And it seemed to resonate with people. I was proud of what we’d done. Proud of who I’d become. And I couldn’t wait to write the next. Except I couldn’t.

    I couldn’t think of another idea that felt good enough. I’d start brainstorming, judge everything I wrote as cliché and uninspired, then delete it all, like a frustrated kid scribbling over a coloring book page filled outside the lines.

    Endless blank pages mocked and pressured me, telling me I was a sad excuse for a screenwriter and I better get it together soon because time was running out.

    It was like I was timing myself running a mile, except I was too scared of my potential inadequacy to move my legs. So I just stood there, staring at the finish line in the distance, losing confidence as each second ticked by on the maddeningly loud stopwatch inside my white-knuckle-clenched fist.

    It took me a year to finally commit to an idea, one my boyfriend and I had explored years prior, this time for a feature film. This story seemed obviously meant for me to write, given the themes and parallels to my own life experience. And once again, it felt like magic.

    That idea swallowed the track whole, the finish line and stopwatch instantly engulfed, surrounding me in the vast open space of inspiration and possibility. And it filled every crevice of my available brain space. Whether I was flossing, folding laundry, of feeding my fish, I was filming it in my head.

    Characters, plot points, and symbols came to me with surprising regularity, and though the words didn’t always flow, when they did, it was just them and me. A universe of sparkling ideas I was floating through, weightless, oblivious to the world of stresses and struggles I’d left far below.

    It all sounds kind of corny and over-romanticized, I know, but that’s how it was. Life can sometimes feel unbearably serious, overwhelming, and urgent. Like it’s just one fire to put out after another. But when we’re creating, time seems to stand still. The flames freeze, far off in the distance, and all we can see is what we feel in our hearts about what we’re bringing to life.

    It took me over a year to write the film, with the help of a talented mentor who taught me things I didn’t know I needed to learn and showed me possibilities I didn’t know to create. But I did it. Draft after draft, I crafted something that felt meaning and beautiful and true.

    Then I re-wrote parts after getting a budget to make it more affordable to film.

    And then recently, once again, I stalled. To be fair, I’m currently spread a little thin, and pregnant, which, as you may know, can be physically and emotionally exhausting. But I’ve also procrastinated on the action steps to get this made because I’ve felt inadequate and scared.

    I’ve questioned whether this is a realistic goal, given that lots of people try to raise money for films and fail.

    I’ve doubted my aptitude for producing, reminding myself that I’ve worked in solitude for over a decade and possess the networking skills of a feral cat.

    I’ve even considered that maybe I’m actually an untalented hack who misled herself into believing she has something new to offer, when really she’s just a one-note blogger who should stop fantasizing and stay in her lane.

    All the while I’ve paralyzed myself with endless comparisons, juxtaposing prolific filmmakers’ portfolios against my embarrassingly vacant IMDB page.

    I’ve known for a while I needed to write a pitch for investors, and I’ve had many open windows when I could have begun working on it. But instead I’ve read celebrity gossip. And emailed my sister about inane life events that really don’t need to be rehashed. And scanned my growing stomach for stretch marks while eating small cups of cereal, as if five small cups are somehow better than one average-sized bowl.

    But this week, I did something different. This week I made one tiny choice that finally enabled me to get out of my own way: I decided to stop judging and start doing.

    I decided to stop judging my work—to suspend my disbelief about whether it’s good enough and act as though I know it is.

    I decided to stop judging myself—to stop berating myself for the skills I think I lack and simply focus on the task in front of me.

    And I decided to stop judging the process—to consider that maybe every slow, timid step happened exactly how and when it needed to, so there’s really no reason to paralyze myself in shame.

    Then I wrote one short section of the pitch. And another the next day. And another the day after that. I wrote what I could, as best I could, in small windows of time that felt manageable, until my energy and focus ran out.

    I’m not finished yet, and I have a ways to go, but I have a start. I’m sure I could improve what I have, but at least I have something. And in time, I’ll make it stronger.

    This isn’t an easily accessible path for perfectionists. We want to do it all, and perfectly, right now. We don’t want to take it slowly, or allow ourselves to be incompetent while we learn, through practice, how to excel.

    We want to speed down the highway of consistent progress toward our goals. We don’t see the speed bumps and detours as valuable because we take them all so personally—as if we could somehow find or create a more smoothly paved path if only we did better. If only we were better. But it’s all valuable.

    This is how we grow—all of us. By doing. By allowing ourselves to be where we are until we learn to get beyond it. By learning from every struggle and setback. No one can jump from zero to a hundred. No one can wake up an expert on something new. We simply have to go through the process.

    We can use all our energy questioning, doubting, and judging, or we can use it to move forward, one tiny, imperfect step at a time, knowing we’re getting closer to our goals every day.

    I’m not gonna lie—this isn’t easy for me to accept. I would rather do only what I know I can do fast and well. I would rather not risk being judged as inadequate. And if I could, I’d spend forever floating in that universe of sparkling ideas instead of hopping my way through an obstacle course of logistics, often feeling blindfolded. But I know this is what it takes to evolve and put myself out there.

    It’s messy and confusing and frustrating. It’s hard and scary and uncertain. There are no guarantees as to where it will all lead, or if the time invested will feel worth it in the end. But every great story involves risk and hardship. And every inspiring hero soldiers on, perhaps temporarily disheartened at times, but never down for the count.

    In the end, she might not get what she wants, but she usually gets what she needs. She grows into someone stronger and wiser. Someone better able to live, love, and experience life with more passion and less fear.

    So maybe I’m not the girl who cried film. Maybe I’m just a human being, like the rest of us, learning to get out of my own way and doing the best I can. My story might be slow and imperfect, but it’s still going. I’m still going. And I know I’ll go a lot further if I choose to stay focused on that.

  • Why Having Your Sh*t Together Is Overrated (and Misunderstood)

    Why Having Your Sh*t Together Is Overrated (and Misunderstood)

    “It’s not about time, it’s about choices. How are you spending your choices?” ~Beverly Adamo

    Hi, my name’s Tash. I’m twenty-six years old and soon I’ll be living in a van.

    My sister is twenty-three. She owns her own flat, which she shares with her long-term boyfriend and their pet tortoise. She has a well-paid job that she enjoys, and she even has a company car. For some people, this might look like she’s really got her sh*t together—she’s ticking all the right boxes!

    And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying she isn’t! I’m very happy for her and everything she has achieved, and she really is doing a great job. But personally, this isn’t my idea of having my sh*t together, and it certainly isn’t a life I see for myself.

    Yet the other day she said to me, “If you don’t get a house soon you’ll probably never have one.” My reply? “That’s okay, I don’t want a house any way.”

    You see the thing is, everyone has these preconceptions of what it means to “do well” and “get your life together.” Do you have a house? A good job? Are you earning a good salary? Do you have a partner to share it all with? Will you be getting married? Are you planning to have children?

    These are all things we are led to believe we should be working toward, because achieving these things will make us happy and complete.

    Well, I call BS!

    I don’t own (or even rent) my own house. Okay, I am married, but that certainly doesn’t prove I’m adulting well. I’m giving up a great job in order to pursue my career as a freelance writer, so as of March I’ll officially be unemployed. Oh yeah, and in April my husband and I will be packing up our entire lives and living in a van.

    But do you know what? I couldn’t be happier or more proud of our decisions.

    What Brought All This On?

    Let me rewind. A colleague of mine recently turned twenty-six as well. As I stopped by her desk one day she said, “I thought I’d have my life together by the age of twenty-six.”

    This got me thinking, what was her definition of having her life together? I told her, “If by the age of twenty-six you wanted to be happy, in a job you enjoy, and looking forward to your future, then you’ve got your life together, right?”

    We all want different things from this life, but there’s so much pressure to follow suit and do what has always been seen as the normal or correct way of doing things.

    I was that way once. When I was at university, if you’d asked me where I wanted to be by this age I’d have probably seen myself in a fancy PR job, living in London, navigating busy city life, all with a smile on my face and a decent amount of money in my savings.

    PAH!

    Right now that sounds like my worst nightmare (and a far off dream as far as a good savings account is concerned!).

    But What if That’s My Dream?

    Please don’t for one second think I’m belittling or making fun of those who want to live the city life or settle down with a spouse and kids by a certain age. We are all different.

    And this is exactly the point I’m trying to make. My husband and I agree that we don’t want to be tied down to one place, certainly not for a long time any way! Together we’ll be traveling the UK and Europe in our campervan. Then, when we’re finished with that, we’ll probably downsize our lives even further by living out of a backpack and going further afield.

    Because for us, having our sh*t together means exploring new cultures. Being able to pick up and move on when we want to. Evening walks along the beach. Backpacking around the world. Waking up every day feeling excited and happy. Living our best life and being the best versions of ourselves because of our choices.

    But again, I’m aware of plenty of people who would never want or choose to live out of a backpack.

    The point I’m trying to make here is that having your sh*t together doesn’t mean conforming to what others perceive as normal or aspirational.

    It’s about chasing your own dreams and finding what makes you happy. It’s about creating a life that you can’t wait to wake up to every day.

    It’s about wholeheartedly embracing this short life and what it is you really want, whether that’s getting married, having kids, throwing yourself into your career, or in our case, exploring the world in a camper van.

    There’s no right or wrong. There’s only what feels right for you.

    Hi, my name’s Tash, and though I’m choosing an unconventional path, I have my sh*t together! How about you?

  • How Recovering People-Pleasers Can Discover What They Really Want

    How Recovering People-Pleasers Can Discover What They Really Want

    “When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

    People-pleasers regularly subvert their own needs for the needs of others. We spend years saying “yes” when we mean “no,” signing up for commitments we’d rather avoid, and occupying our minds with others’ desires.

    When we finally clear out the clutter to put ourselves first, we look around at the empty space, bewildered, with endless questions. What do we want? What does true happiness look like for us? What would a life lived on our own terms be like?

    For me, these questions once provoked anxiety. I’d spent a lifetime catering to my parents, friends, colleagues, and lovers—anyone but myself. By asking what I really wanted, I was looking my fear straight in the eye: my fear of being responsible for my own happiness. My fear of not getting what I wish for.

    These fears are both potent and entirely surmountable—if we’re brave enough to connect with our innermost desires.

    When we’re strongly connected to our dreams and desires, we begin to set boundaries with other people so we can reach them, and we slowly start finding the confidence to speak our truth. Our dreams and desires remind us how communicating authentically will change our lives, and the lives of our loved ones, for the better.

    For this reason, we recovering people-pleasers need to reclaim our familiarity with our inner voice and innermost needs. We cannot communicate authentically with others if we can’t communicate authentically with our inner selves.

    In my journey to overcome people pleasing, I’ve learned a few helpful tricks to connect with my innermost self and uncover what I really want in all areas of my life. Perhaps one (or more) of these methods may help you do the same.

    1. Label your feelings.

    As I mention in my post on setting boundaries, many of us have become so attuned to the feelings of others that our own feelings are elusive strangers, entirely unrecognizable to us.

    Our feelings are critical guideposts as we learn to prioritize our own needs—if we’re able to identify and own them. We can rebuild our connection to our feelings by noticing their presence in our bodies and hearts.

    First, we must learn to give ourselves permission to be excited, inspired, and desirous. I often notice these feelings when they appear as fluttering in my chest or tingling down my spine. These feelings signal that I’m moving toward something that excites me.

    If, like me, you’ve spent a lifetime motivated by guilt and anxiety, your positive emotions can starkly illuminate the activities and relationships that bring you pure joy.

    We can also learn from feelings that are challenging or unpleasant, once we’re able to identify them. Instead of glossing over anxiety, overwhelm, and anger, we can notice these feelings as pits in our stomachs, pressure in our chests, and tightness in our throats. Those feelings might be signals that something isn’t right for us, or that we need to set boundaries with others.

    2. Leave the system.

    Sometimes our deepest desires are buried under layers of fear, particularly the fear of seeming selfish or the fear of disappointing others. One way to dig beneath the fear is to mentally remove ourselves from the systems of which we’re a part.

    Begin by considering one of your social systems: your romantic relationship, your workplace, your church, your family. Then, ask yourself: “What would I do differently if I weren’t a part of this system?”

    Previously unacknowledged desires emerge when you extricate yourself from the pressures and influences of your system.

    Years ago, when I first did this exercise, I wrote in my journal, “What would I do differently if I weren’t in a relationship with my partner?” I was amazed as my hand flew across the page, scribbling: “Sign up for a dance class! Go out with friends more! Sleep in on Sundays!”

    My answers helped me realize that I was suffocating my own desires out of fear of my partner’s reactions. What I really wanted was right there on the page. Having this list enabled me to consider how I might carve out more space for my own desires within my relationship.

    3. Make a wish.

    The first time I saw a life coach, she began our session with the simplest of questions: “If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for?”

    At first I thought her question was contrived, but when I answered, two of my responses were illuminating: I wished for a healthier relationship with my family, and I wished to become fully self-employed in the career of my dreams.

    Then she looked me in the eye: “You want these two things very much?”

    I nodded.

    “More than anything else in the world?”

    I nodded again.

    She grinned. “Then what have you been waiting for?”

    I was speechless. I’d never given myself permission to suspend reality, if only for a moment, to dream big. Making a wish allowed me to dive into my dreams without stopping myself with “What if?”s  “How?”s and “I could never do that.” Once I spoke my desires aloud, I could no longer ignore their truth. I begin strategizing how to get there.

    Practice suspending reality to discover what you crave. Imagine that you could make a wish that would be instantly granted, or imagine that you could walk through a door and your ideal life waited on the other side. What do you notice about these dreams? What desires do they demonstrate?

    4. Weave a web of impact.

    One of people-pleasers’ greatest challenges is the fear of being perceived as selfish or uncaring. I know this was true for me. Many of us believe that our worth comes from meeting others’ needs. Sometimes we forget that speaking our truth positively impacts other people.

    Take a moment to ask yourself the question: “If I spoke my truth and set firm boundaries, who else would benefit, and how?” Consider your partner, your friends, your colleagues, your children, passersby on the street. Consider who you might serve as a role model. Who might benefit from witnessing your strength and independence?

    You will quickly realize that speaking your truth has far-reaching benefits. Keep your list visible to remind yourself of the web of impact your new habits will have.

    5. Start small.

    If you’ve been in a habit of people-pleasing for a long time, it may be challenging to immediately identify your own big dreams. You may feel that you truly don’t know what you want right now, and that is totally normal. Living your truth and communicating authentically are muscles; when you exercise them regularly, they become stronger over time.

    Give yourself permission to start small. For example, you might not yet know what you want out of your career, but you do know you love strolling around the lake in the morning and winding down your nights with chamomile tea. You may not yet know which city you want to relocate to, but you do know you’d like to take a mid-afternoon power nap and buy thermal socks.

    These wants are sacred whispers from your innermost self. Give your innermost self time to surface. By pursuing these small desires, you learn to trust yourself. You begin to realize that you are fully capable of being your own advocate and building the life you want.

    Pay special attention to how it feels to meet your needs. Be patient. With the passage of time, bigger dreams make themselves known in your heart.

    Authentic communication is a two-way street; we must speak truthfully to ourselves before we can speak truthfully to others. Once we become familiar with what we really want, we can imagine a world where we replace old habits, like people-pleasing, with new visions for a brighter future.

  • Why I Focus on the Now Instead of What I Want for the Future

    Why I Focus on the Now Instead of What I Want for the Future

    “The next message you need is always right where you are.” ~Ram Dass

    I want you to go back to New Year’s Day 2009 with me for a second. I’d recently left a job and was embarking upon a new career, one in which I was self-employed.

    I pulled out all the stops and created a vision board that contained all of the things: how much money I wanted to earn, how I wanted to dress, where I wanted to vacation, how I wanted to eat, and everything else I could think of. I thought if I created this vision board, if I planned out exactly how things would go, somehow I’d find satisfaction and peace.

    I remember later that same year visiting my then-boyfriend (now husband) when he was working out of state. The area where he was working was gorgeous, and I kept writing down the future I wanted, what it would be like to live in a place like this, how it would feel if only we could afford a place here, near the ocean.

    I also remember being obsessive and miserable.

    None of the stuff I was clinging to so tightly worked out. Life unfolded, all was well, but all that planning wasn’t making my life better; it was making it more stressful.

    Every year, I’d come up with new goals, new dreams. Almost always they’d have something to do with controlling the way I ate, or how much money I made, or how to figure out the “right” career for me.

    Even last year I bought a big old notebook, divided it into sections for each month, and wrote down goals. Big goals for the year, smaller goals for each month, all things designed to bring me the happiness I was seeking.

    But this past year has changed me. I no longer try to plan far into a future I can’t predict, and I no longer expect outside circumstances to bring me internal pleasure.

    I’m not exactly sure what happened, but I know pushing myself to visualize the life I wanted, over and over again, and obsessing about writing down my goals finally got to me. I finally got to a point where the last thing I wanted to do was think about those things.

    I wanted something new. I wanted to meet each moment where it was and ask myself: What’s next? What should I do now?

    Recently I was letting my mind spin into high anxiety mode. I was freaking out about money and career and every other thing you can think of. Instead of my usual planning and searching and trying to come up with something to work toward, I sat down.

    I got out my notebook. I opened it, and I asked myself, “What can I do right now to feel better?” I don’t remember what the answer was, but I’m certain it was something along the lines of “take a deep breath” or “lie down” or “relax.”

    In fact, that’s often the answer I get when I stop and ask what to do in the moment. It may seem weird—I mean, shouldn’t we be planning for our retirement? Maybe sometimes, but more often than not I believe stopping and realizing this is it, this is the moment to stop and breathe, this is the moment to chill out, is a better way to live, at least for me.

    I feel happier and more settled this year, and I don’t have a resolution or goal in sight. Here’s how I’m approaching life nowadays: with the intention to stay in the moment and simply do the next right thing.

    I didn’t come up with any resolutions for this year. Okay, I guess I have one, but it’s an intention, not a resolution: to remind myself to check in with the present moment rather than letting my mind go in circles trying to figure out what the future holds. Because that makes me feel worse, not better.

    I committed to letting go of obsession. I’m still human—I still have things I hope to achieve, and I still have dreams for where my career might go, I still have lots of places in the world I want to visit. I’m not giving up; I’m just doing things differently.

    As soon as I feel my anxiety start to rise, as soon as I start to think the same thoughts (or worry the same worries) over and over again about what the future may bring, even if it’s something positive, I stop. I stop thinking, I stop planning, and I breathe into the moment.

    I remind myself every single day to ask myself what’s next right now. Not what I should do next year, not what my five year plan should be—what I should do in a minute or two from now.

    The way I do this is pretty simple: I either pause for a moment and see which thing seems like the most delightful thing to do next, or, if I’m in a stressed out place, I pause and write to myself.

    It’s journaling, really, but a type where I’m having an internal dialogue with what I think of as my heart. I’m looking inward, intending to hear what the deepest part of me would like to do next rather than letting my mind run away with the show and tell me all of the things I should be worried about.

    I sit still, breathe deeply, think about something that makes me feel calm and content (that usually involves imagining or petting one of my cats), and then write down a question. I ask what to do now. I ask what I can do to calm down. Then I just listen.

    Like I said, the answers I usually get have to do with lying down, or resting, or relaxing, or letting myself have fun. It’s all stuff that sounds really great, truly. It makes me feel better, not worse.

    I can hear the arguments now, though: You have to have a plan. You can’t always have fun!

    I’m not suggesting you empty your 401k or sleep all day, not at all. I’m suggesting that, at least for me, checking in with myself and listening for what to do next—not worrying and obsessing about how to achieve, achieve, achieve—is the key to a calmer, happier life.

    Yes, I have dreams and a vision for the trajectory of my career. Yes, I think about my health. Yes, I have plans to travel this summer. But I think about those things when it’s time to think about them, like in the exact moment I’m at my computer and can look at rentals on Airbnb. I don’t need to worry about it, stress about it, and think about it at other times when I can’t do anything to change it.

    The same goes for everything else in my life: I can’t become an overnight success; what I can do is find out, in each moment, what would serve me in moving toward the ideas I have for my career. Sometimes I truly think I’m being told to rest because that is what will serve me best—because I need a break.

    It’s simple though not always easy: Slow down and check in with yourself. See what the next right move is, the thing you should be doing in the next few minutes. I know it makes me feel calmer and more centered, and, so far, has never led me to feel anxious or worried.

    If you set a bunch of resolutions at the start of the year and are finding it hard to stick with them, maybe this is the perfect time to shift your focus from what you want in the future to what you need right now.

  • Why Remembering You’re Going to Die Is the Best Motivator

    Why Remembering You’re Going to Die Is the Best Motivator

    “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever; you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babitt

    Once a month, I visit the local cemetery and walk around. I’m not there to visit anyone in particular. I’m there to remind myself of my own mortality.

    And it always wakes me up.

    I soak in the energy: I read the simple legacies on the tombstones, from young children to those who made it to 100 years old. I’m not morose. I’m not negative. I’ve simply found the greatest motivational tool in the world, and I assure you it’s not quotes on Instagram or Pinterest. It’s not the latest YouTube clip.

    It’s one thing and one thing only: remembering we are all going to die soon.

    How Many Summers Do You Have Left?

    Seneca was a roman philosopher who lived 2000 years ago and a leader of the stoic movement. One of his essays, entitled On the Shortness of Life provides a reminder to all of us: our time here is nearly over.

    And yet what Seneca argues, and does so brilliantly, is that life isn’t really short. The problem is how we waste so much of our lives on things that don’t matter: wondering what others think, getting caught up in gossip, wasting our lives on social media and the non-essential.

    When this happens, it’s no wonder we lack clarity and meaning in our lives. It’s no wonder we feel overwhelmed, overworked, and overstimulated on a daily basis. When we’re in this place, we don’t have the time or energy to think about death.

    And yet, our time is running out. I like to think of it this way:

    How many more summers do we have left? How many early June mornings with the sun barely making its presence known as we sip coffee do we have left? How many moments with our kids, family, and those who we love do we have left? How many times do we get to do what we love for yet another day?

    We don’t know the answer to this, but I do know one thing: it’s much closer than we think, and every day is a gift. Let’s examine why remembering our own mortality is the best way to start living and how you can use it as leverage to live boldly today.

    Ask the Tough Questions

    Reminding ourselves of our mortality invites us to ask the tough questions from our lives. These are the questions we often avoid, yet are always running in the background:

    Who am I?

    Why am I here?

    Is this life for me?

    Am I on my own path, or someone else’s?

    Because they’re uncomfortable, they become easy to avoid through busyness, noise, and the endless demands of a 24/7 digital culture. Usually we don’t take any time to face these questions unless someone close to us experiences a crisis (or we do, too).

    But within these questions lie powerful answers. They allow us to get honest with ourselves instead of giving in to the usual mental chatter we so often believe. By asking the tough questions, we start to achieve clarity around what matters… and we start discarding what doesn’t.

    Release What Doesn’t Serve

    When I moved from New York City to Phoenix, I experienced a wow moment. No, it wasn’t the awe-inspiring sunsets, although I love those. It was the moment I realized my walk-in closet was bigger than my old space in Manhattan.

    And yet, I realized as time passed, with all this space, I started to accumulate a lot of stuff. One day, as I was preparing for a meditation (yes, my closet doubled as a brilliant meditation room), I realized: I had no space left. I looked around and noticed I barely used anything that was taking up so much space. I was overwhelmed.

    Much like our lives, I had filled my space with the non-essential. Remembering our mortality allows for clarity around releasing what doesn’t serve us. These may be habits, mindsets, environments and yes, even people.

    Even just doing this step often releases a heavy burden we feel in our lives: there’s too much going on, and it never ends. Once we have space, we feel lighter, clearer and more empowered to start figuring out what we really want. 

    Clarity Around Our Dreams 

    “But Tommy…I don’t know, I really don’t know.”

    I sat there in a conversation with one of my clients and wasn’t buying it. She was here for a reason, and I wasn’t going to let her off the hook. Of course, I’ve said this before too, and deep down, I was afraid.

    My belief is that, deep down, we all know what we want; it’s a matter of the layers we’ve stacked over the years clouding our honesty. This is where using our mortality as leverage truly shines: we get to be honest, unapologetic and share our truth.

    Often, we’re afraid to declare what we want for fear of embarrassment, failure, or standing out too much. When faced with our mortality, none of that matters. There’s a dream deep within you waiting to be explored and declared.

    The question, then, becomes: Will you have the courage to discover and declare it?

    The Power of Urgency

    Have you ever had a project due in three months, yet put it off until the last minute and somehow got it all done? We all have. This is the power of urgency, deadlines, and accountability: We get clear, focused, and set boundaries to ensure we finish.

    But how often do we do the same with our own lives? Most people don’t operate with any sense of urgency in life; there’s always tomorrow, next week, or next year.

    Until there’s not. The beauty of reminding ourselves our time is limited means we’re operating with high levels of urgency, knowing every day truly matters.

    When this happens, we say no to the things we should. We tell people how we really feel. And we overcome the resistance on our dreams, the self-doubt, and uncertainty. We feel those yet move forward anyway.

    Because the pain of regret hurts more than putting ourselves out there. When this happens, we start to trust ourselves and recognize our dreams are worth it. Best of all: we’re worth bringing them to life.

    Integrating This into Your Life 

    Steve Jobs, in his riveting Stanford commencement speech, said it better than I ever could:

    “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

    So, how do we use our mortality to make bold decisions and start to live our dreams today? You don’t have to be as extreme as I am with visiting your local cemetery, although I’d recommend it.

    Here are some of my favorite ways:

    Journal about your legacy.

    Take yourself twenty, thirty, or forty years down the line. How do you want to be remembered? Write it all down.

    Write a letter to your current self.

    Again, fast forward to a time in the future when you’re on your last days. Write a letter to your current self, letting them know whatever you wish.

    Do a guided meditation.

    There are various meditations around visualizing one’s own death (and return back to Earth). These are beautiful ways to face reality and get in touch with what truly matters.

    Spend time with older people.

    Strike up conversations with people and even your own family who have been on this planet for a while. Often, you’ll find gems of wisdom within them.

    Remind yourself of death once a day.

    Every day take a moment and anchor yourself in the beautiful gift we all have. With this energy, ask yourself: What is one bold step I can take today?

    It’s your time now.

    Embrace your mortality, make the decision you’ve been putting off, and never look back.

  • The Danger of Wishful Thinking: Nothing Changes If We Don’t Take Action

    The Danger of Wishful Thinking: Nothing Changes If We Don’t Take Action

    “You just have to determine to settle for nothing less than being fully alive, to show up, be who you are, and share your gifts.” ~Gabrielle Roth

    A few years ago for the winter solstice my women’s group got together, as we do every week, and held a beautiful ritual to welcome both the darkness and the light. We released what we were ready to let go of in our lives and set our intentions for the New Year. We not only spoke our intentions, we danced them for each other. It was beautiful and powerful.

    But a few days later, as I was sitting in meditation with my candle, I heard the voice of my heart tell me, “You aren’t going to make those intentions come true unless you get very specific about how they are going to come about this year. You need to set goals and outline steps and commit to bringing this about in your life. Otherwise, it’s just going to be business as usual.”

    I was shown that I needed to set goals in every area of my life and be very specific about what I desire to create in that area and what it will take to get there. Then I needed to commit to the steps and have a process for tracking them and keeping my goals in my awareness.

    Since then, I have been deeply engaged in a process of visioning my life, creating goals for the year, and dividing those goals into measurable, achievable steps, and then following through. I now do a whole several-day process at the start of every year around this, with check-ins at the start of each month and week. I’ve developed a whole process to keep me moving toward my heart’s desires in a balanced way.

    The process has been amazing and challenging, and quite a learning experience.

    Suddenly I am making things happen in my life that I have wanted for a long time and felt that I either could not make time for or had no control over.

    In the process I have had to get very real about what is important to me, what I truly desire, and to what I am willing to commit myself, my energy, time, and resources. How much do I want it? And what is in the way inside of me? What has been holding me back?

    One of the things I am realizing is that in the past I relied heavily on wishful thinking, waiting for a miracle to take me out of my current predicament and bring me my dreams. I would hope for a miracle while not committing myself to making the things I desire happen.

    I still fall into this, because it’s hard to get crystal clear and then take action. It brings us up against our fears, our false beliefs, our laziness or insecurity or doubt. It would be nice if some giant eagle, like in The Lord of the Rings would just swoop in and save the day, and I wouldn’t have to do anything scary or hard.

    But the bigger problem was I didn’t feel empowered to create the life I desire, to manifest my dreams. I felt helpless and hopeless, like the best I could do was hope and pray, and maybe these things would show up and maybe they wouldn’t. Hence I would vacillate between periods of great optimism and great despair, because I didn’t feel I had any agency in the situation.

    Now I realize this is totally wrong.

    The whole craze around The Secret, the Law of Attraction, and manifesting your life has gone overboard with the sense “I can have anything I want.” There is not enough regard for what is in right alignment for us and others and the planet, what is good for all beings. We also overlook what we might need that we don’t know about yet and might at first reject—how sometimes the difficult or unpleasant situations of our lives are exactly what we need for our highest good.

    On the other hand, the idea that it is all out of my hands, it is all up to fate and there is nothing I can do about it, is no good either. For one thing, this belief overlooks the fact we are creative beings, powerful creators of our lives, whether for good or ill. We are here to co-create, to cooperate with the flow of Life—sometimes called the Tao—around us and within us. As the artists of our lives, we are here to be active participants in dreaming and creating our lives.

    An attitude of surrendering to the flow of life can help us to remember to release the results, the outcome. After you create your vision, this is an important, in fact, crucial step, that is often missed in the whole manifesting craze. But it doesn’t mean you just sit by and do nothing, waiting for your dreams to come true.

    Our heart’s desires can bring us into right relationship with the world, to the livingness in and around us. In fact, I believe a true heart’s desire is meant to do just that. Because it summons us to our greatness, to our fullest, most alive being, to our full participation here.

    In the past I approached manifestation and the Law of Attraction in a disempowered way. I wrote affirmations and did visualizations, hoping for a miracle, for it to be done for me. Affirmations and visualization can help us bring clarity and joy to our desires. That is tremendous and very powerful. I still use them, sometimes with startlingly positive results.

    But there is more required of us. I was forgetting my part in the equation—that I too am part of bringing my dreams to fruition, a big part.

    So here are the basic steps I have discovered to co-create with life:

    1. Define.

    First, you get very clear about what it is that you desire to create in your life. You name it. You visualize it with all of your senses. You feel it in your being. In feeling it, you make sure you really want it, and it isn’t just something you think you should want.

    You get clear and real about the details. You define. If I want to publish my writing in literary magazines, I need to have a clear idea what that means: I’d like to publish in five magazines by the end of this year, for example.

    2. Commit.

    I wasn’t really doing this step before. You change the wishing and wanting to a commitment. “I commit to publishing my writing in five magazines this year.”

    I find in changing my desire to a commitment, feelings and resistance may arise. There may be fear or doubt in my ability. There may be a belief that nothing good ever happens for me, or that magazines are not publishing good work anymore.

    These doubts, fears and beliefs point to work I need to do in myself, to clear out what is in the way inside of me that keeps my desire away from me. This is my job, to feel the feelings and beliefs that hold me back, and work on them, remove the obstacles.

    3. Declare.

    You state your commitment to friends. You make it known. You seek accountability and support. This is another step we love to avoid, because declaring our commitment puts us in the hot seat.

    And you ask for help where you will need it to make this dream a reality. There might be others that can help you with the steps. Don’t try to do it alone. That’s another mistake I often make.

    4. Visit with your dreams daily.

    You re-affirm your dream and your commitment to it daily. Keep it in your consciousness. As you do, create space for silence, so you can hear where you are being led, what steps you need to take.

    As you go about your day, stay open to guidance and opportunities to help you realize your dreams. If you aren’t paying attention to the opportunities, you are going to make it a whole lot more difficult to reach your desire.

    The road to get there may go through some unusual routes that you had not planned or never conceived of. The road may take you to a completely different outcome, like: It turns out I’m not meant to be a writer, I’m meant to be a singer! How wonderful!  

    If you are too fixated on how you think you should get there or even where you should arrive, you may be missing the beautiful openings that Life is granting you.

    5. Act.

    As you visit with your dreams, remember it is up to you to take steps, to act. Miracles and synchronicities often appear on the path of dreams, but first we have to show up by taking action in a repeated, committed way.

    You take actions congruent with your desire. You make your life congruent with what you wish to create.

    If I want to publish in five magazines, I need to write and I need to submit work on a regular basis. I need to make a schedule and have commitments to make this happen, not just vaguely decide I’ll do it “sometime.”

    Otherwise, all the dreaming and wishing and hoping, all the affirmations in the world aren’t going to make this happen for me.

    And I need to take the unexpected openings that arise, as long as they feel right to me, as long as I feel that “yes” inside. So when someone suddenly says to me, “I’m starting a new magazine, and I need material to publish,” I give them something I have written, because I recognize the opportunity Life is handing me.

    6. Surrender.

    This is a very important step many people miss. You hand it over to the flow of Life, trusting that the highest and best for you will be done in this situation, even if it looks nothing like what you asked for. You let it go.

    Even though you continue to conduct your life congruent with your desire—until you receive information/feeling/sensing that it is no longer right for you—and even though you keep your dream alive in your awareness, you still release the results.

    If I keep writing and sending out my work, and it does not get published anywhere this year, I trust in the process, and most of all, I remember to enjoy the process. The process is everything, or nearly everything, because the process is my life happening now.

    So it’s not enough to engage in wishful thinking and magical practices. You have to go out and change your life, take action. Be the creative force in your life. Make your behavior congruent with your desire. Be accountable, be empowered, ask for help, and then release the results.

    No one is going to do it for you if you don’t care enough to make it happen in your life. That was the big surprise I didn’t want to realize. But it has made a world of difference.

  • How Micro Habits Can Help You Reach Big Goals

    How Micro Habits Can Help You Reach Big Goals

    “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” ~Lao Tzu

    Many of us have big, grand goals for our lives.

    These goals can be tied to our work, or maybe starting a family, or ideals for a new home with that family, or travel to an exotic location we’ve long dreamed about, or pretty much anything else. Oftentimes these goals can seem a very long way from where we are presently in our lives. In fact, sometimes they can seem so far away that they appear to be totally out of reach.

    As a consequence, too many of us give up even trying to make these things happen. And that’s a real shame, because sometimes all that is required to make them so is putting one foot in front of the other in their general direction.

    The Pressure of Big Steps and Overnight Success

    Part of the reason we give up is that we put ourselves under pressure to make things happen quickly. We try to make grand, sweeping changes in our lives and expect overnight change. If this doesn’t happen, we can quickly become discouraged and quit. We lose sight of any and all progress we may be making toward our goals.

    Perhaps we try to uproot and change all our habits at once, and it doesn’t happen. These habits may have been part of us for a very long time, yet we expect to change them swiftly.

    This cycle can repeat again and again. It can be really disheartening. We try so hard but get nowhere fast.

    What I’ve found, in making significant positive changes stick in my own life, is that often the small steps and habits that underpin them do not get enough attention. In fact, I believe there is an untapped magic in these seemingly small habits. They can support even the largest of goals.

    From a Writer Who Didn’t Write to One Who Writes Lots

    While writing doesn’t pay all my bills, I am most definitely a writer. I think a part of me always has been on some level. It’s something I am incredibly passionate about. It’s something I spend much time and energy on.

    I meet lots of writers and want-to-be writers in my travels who talk of writing their first book or starting their own blogs. Truth be told, I think most of us think there’s a book in us that we will write someday.

    When I dig a little deeper, it never ceases to amaze me how many of these same people haven’t yet developed a regular writing habit. It’s like wanting to run a marathon with their only preparation being walking 800 yards to the shops on a daily basis. The odds of it happening are slim, very slim.

    That’s a shame, as writing a first book, or starting a blog, is a pretty amazing milestone for anyone who has a passion for the written word and sharing their ideas.

    I shouldn’t be surprised this is the case, though. You see, I was one of these people for too many years. I promised to write more than I actually wrote. I thought about the books I was going to write without writing a word. I thought about ideas for articles without committing a single word to the page.

    Thankfully, this has changed in the last several years. In fact, it’s changed to the tune of seven books and counting and hundreds of articles written for my own blog and other blogs. I’ve even been lucky enough to share several articles here with the wonderful Tiny Buddha community (thank you, Lori!).  My words have now been read across the planet in many countries. My books have been purchased from most corners of the world.

    I share this not to brag but to let you know that I have skin in this writing game, and any ideas that follow have been hard won and tested. Most importantly, none of this would have been possible if I had continued to stay in the self-imposed blocks I had put myself in.

    Breaking the Big Goal Down into Smaller Steps (Write One Line)

    When I was starting my writing journey, almost everything I read in terms of advice for the writer included some form of “write so many (500, 1000, etc.) words a day.” Well, this never really worked well for me. I tried it, and I failed regularly.

    With full-time commitments elsewhere (an unrelated job, friends, hobbies, a relationship), the pressure of trying to hit a certain word count just did not fit for me. So, after many failed attempts to force it, I finally gave myself permission to try another route. I broke this down into an even tinier habit. I decided to commit to writing just one line a day.

    Some days that one line turned into many pages of ideas, sometimes it was just one line. That’s okay; the habit and practice proved to be the important part of this process. It was something that worked for me, and I could stick with. It was something that pulled me out of my writing inertia and got me moving in a positive direction.

    Why This Works

    If we make the entry point low enough, we avoid the excuses not to do something. However, if we also make the entry point meaningful, we ingrain a habit that supports regular practical steps to get to done.

    Five hundred words a day may be a more meaningful target for other writers, and it’s a target that is often shared by writers of note. Some writers commit to “two crappy pages a day.” Personally, I like to make the point of entry even lower at one line.

    What I’ve found is that, more often than not, one line turns into many, and just getting started creates momentum. It also allows me to be liberal with how I use my time. I don’t feel pressure to have one big writing block per day; I can find time for multiple opportunities to write instead (a little and often approach sprinkled through the day). For those of us that also have external responsibilities and unrelated jobs, this approach can be especially useful.

    One line is also a low enough entry point that I don’t feel bad if I miss a day completely. And sometimes I do have days where I won’t write a word. Not the trendy advice of the day perhaps, but it works just fine for me. I feel no guilt about missing a day but often find I’m twice as productive the day after a day missed and will get lots of ideas down.

    A seemingly small habit has been the catalyst for much positive change in terms of my writing.

    How We Can Apply This to Other Goals

    My example includes my writing because this is something I’m passionate about. Writing may not be your thing, but the good news is, it doesn’t have to be. This approach travels and works for all sorts of goals. I know because I utilize it regularly for lots of personal goals.

    What I’ve also found is that what appears to be a small habit change and new behavior can start to have a compound effect. We create positive momentum. We set ourselves up for success.

    Tiny steps in the direction of a goal are still steps in that direction. There is a real magic to be found in linking steps together consistently. Big goals are fine as a guiding star, but they need to be supported with smaller steps. Developing these tiny, positive habits can support even the largest of goals. Wishful thinking will not.

    Want to write a book? Get started by developing a regular writing habit. Maybe try my example of one line a day to get that done or try something else that will work for you.

    Want to run a marathon? Commit to packing your kit for the morning as one micro habit. Then link this with other micro habits that support your goal, like committing to increasing your mileage gradually week by week. Don’t expect to run that marathon tomorrow unless you’ve already put lots of work in to get there.

    Whatever your goal is, develop a regular practice to help get you closer to it. Set up simple habits that support this happening and that keep you accountable, while still being achievable. Commit to this, and amazing things can happen.

    Micro Habits—Simple, Not Easy

    This micro habit approach is incredibly simple, and that’s exactly where the power of it is. There are no tricks, hacks, or ninja secrets to concern ourselves with. No sales copy or complex points of entry to worry about. We can set our own rules or have no rules. It’s so simple it can, and will, work for us if we commit to it.

    Simple doesn’t mean easy; this approach still takes work. And that’s a good thing, as our goals will be all the sweeter if we’ve applied ourselves along the way.

    The larger the goal, the longer this process may take and the more habits we may need to stack together. We can, however, commit to embracing the process and journey for its own end, rather than being focused purely on the destination (the where we want to get to).

    Give the micro habits approach a try in earnest. You may be surprised by where it takes you.

  • The Shy Person’s Guide to Making Your Dreams a Reality

    The Shy Person’s Guide to Making Your Dreams a Reality

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Light poured into the studio. We sat in a circle on the hardwood floor. We did some deep breathing and then the facilitator asked us to think about what we really wanted and didn’t have yet. She instructed us to speak it out loud in the present tense, as if it were already happening.

    I was at a co-working space in downtown Toronto, and this was the daily opening where we set our intentions for the day and sometimes did reflective exercises like this one.

    She started, “I own a yoga studio on the beach in Hawaii.” The next woman went. And then it was my turn.

    As I saw my turn was coming, my breath got short. Anxiety coursed through my body. I didn’t feel ready. “Ummmm…. this is really scary,” I said. “I don’t know what to say.”

    For a long time I’ve had difficulty saying what I want. When I was a teenager, I wouldn’t tell anyone when I had a crush on someone. I remember my younger sister would tell anyone who would listen that she had a crush on the boy in the McDonald’s commercial, and I was jealous of her boldness, but still wouldn’t tell a soul about my crushes.

    My best friend in elementary school always had a boyfriend, and I never did. I didn’t date in high school either. I felt ashamed. I thought there was something wrong with me and that nobody liked me.

    I thought that if I told my friends about my crush and then the person didn’t like me back, I would be seen as a failure. So it was better to keep my mouth shut.

    And now, fifteen years later, I’m still scared to ask for what I want.

    I’m thirty-one years old. And this was an incredibly safe space. I was surrounded by sensitive and supportive women, but I was terrified.

    I put my face in my hands and made some high-pitched noise that I’m not even sure how to describe.

    I sat up and looked at everyone. “Okay,” I said. “I’m going to try to say one sentence about what I want.” The butterflies in my stomach started going nuts.

    “Why is this so hard??”

    “Okay, breathe,” I said, then took a deep breath. “I want to have a big life.” I took another breath. “I want to impact a lot of people.”

    The facilitator gently coaxed me, “Can you rephrase that to the present?”

    “I have a big life. I’m impacting a lot of people,” I said, “I’m a healer.” And then I really felt like I was going to vomit.

    Even in a circle of kind quiet women like me, it was incredibly difficult for me to claim my truth.

    When I was growing up I was sensitive and shy, and to be totally honest I still am. When I was twenty-three years old, I landed my dream job working with marginalized youth. And when I was twenty-four, I burnt out from that job.

    I understand what it feels like to want to make the world a better place but to get totally exhausted trying to do it. I want to help other sensitive souls realize it’s okay to rest, and to support them to heal, find their voices, and share their gifts.

    But I had no idea that talking about what I wanted would be so hard. I’ve done a lot of work on myself: years of therapy and I’ve even spoken at conferences in front of large groups of people. And yet, somehow, saying these three sentences in front of six other kind, sensitive women seemed more difficult than everything else.

    And honestly, if the question had been about my darkness, my cruelty, the part of me that hates, I would have no problem going into it. I can speak about my darkness with relative ease.

    But my light? My gifts? Please bring me a trashcan to throw up in first.

    Best selling author and spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson really hit the nail on the head with her quote “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

    This is me, 110%.

    And although it’s difficult, I also know how incredibly effective it is to claim what you really want. It wasn’t until I went very public about what kind of qualities I wanted in a partner that I met the sweet and passionate guy I’m dating now.

    I was sick of online dating so I actually made an entire webpage about the qualities I wanted in a partner. I posted it on Facebook and asked my friends to help me find the right person—and it took some time but eventually it worked.

    I now know that if I’m not able to speak openly about my goals in life, I’ll never be able to fully go for them. And the same is true for you.

    The good news is, if you’re shy like me and are having a hard time asking for what you really want, there are small steps you can take to start to go for it.

    Here’s the Shy Person’s Guide to Making Your Dreams a Reality:

    1. Notice who you envy, and why.

    Sometimes when we’re shy we don’t even know what we want, because we may have felt too insecure to establish and set goals for ourselves. So the first step to going for what you want is figuring out exactly what that is.

    And, surprisingly, envy can actually be really helpful for this.

    Which famous people do you envy? Which of your friends? Is it your sister? A colleague? A cousin?

    Once you have a list of a few people, ask yourself what you admire about their lives. Is it where they live? Their partner? Their job? Their confidence?

    Now, it’s important to remember that just because you envy someone’s life, that doesn’t mean you want exactly what they have.

    You might envy your friend who works online because she’s her own boss, but if you’re someone who’s happiest being surrounded by people, that lifestyle might not make sense for you. Perhaps in that case what you really envy is freedom—so the question you’d need to answer for yourself is: How can I create more freedom for myself? What choice would best align with my personality and values?

    It’s also important to look beyond the surface when identifying people you envy. Sometimes we envy people who seem to garner a lot of respect and admiration—celebrities, for example. But as Kate Spade’s recent suicide showed, fame and success don’t guarantee happiness.

    The point is to get clear on what might fulfill you, and why. So make notes and start to notice the common themes in those people you envy. As you do this, you’ll start to see the kind of life you really want.

    2. Allow yourself to daydream.

    Now that you have some clues about what you want, allow yourself to dream about it. If you have a journal, write about it. If you’re more visual, make a collage or do a drawing. Or, alternatively, go for a walk and let your mind daydream about it.

    This might sounds totally silly, but I actually made a PowerPoint about what I wanted my business to look like years ago. It wasn’t a public presentation and I only shared it with two or three close friends. But I stumbled upon it the other day and was amazed by how much of what I envisioned had come through.

    So use whatever medium works best for you to envision your dream life!

    3. Talk about your dreams.

    Once you’ve gotten clearer about what they are, tell a good friend or your partner about your dreams. I like to start these kinds of conversations by saying something like, “I’m nervous to tell you about this, and I’m not ready to have any feedback on it yet, but what I really want is…”

    Start small. Just tell one tiny part of your dream. See how it feels. See how your friend reacts. If it feels good, tell them a little bit more.

    The last thing you want when you’re nurturing a new dream is for someone to stomp all over it. So if the friend doesn’t react in a supportive way, don’t say anything else. Find someone else who will be gentle and supportive of your dream.

    Once you’ve practiced talking about it and got some support from friends or family members, it’s time to take it to the next level. Start to bring it up more often.

    I know for us shy-types this can be really difficult, but take it one step, one person, one conversation at a time. And remember, there’s nothing more inspiring at a lunch with friends or family event than to hear about what someone’s really passionate about.

    As you begin to talk about these things more, it will help you to take small steps toward making your dream a reality. You’ll begin to build your confidence and you might even make connections that’ll help you to get there.

    4. Talk about your strengths.

    What are you really good at? What do people always ask you for help with? If you’re anything like me, it’s easy to talk about your darkness, your procrastination, your bad habits, but it’s probably hard for you to talk about what you’re good at.

    So start by journaling about this and then practice telling close friends or family members.

    Does it make you want to vomit? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

    I’ve started doing this recently, and one thing that really helps me is to tell the person that I’m practicing talking about my strengths. I start by saying something like, “I’m really good at talking about my challenges and have realized that I’m really bad at talking about my strengths. I want to practice, so I’m going to practice saying one good thing about me. Are you okay with that?”

    Once I have my friend’s support, it becomes much easier to say something. And even if I fumble with my words—which, believe me, I do—they’re usually really supportive because they know I’m doing something that’s difficult for me.

    And I promise it’ll get easier with practice. So start by saying one strength to one friend and build from there.

    5. Don’t just talk—take action!

    As you tell people about your goals and strengths, they might introduce you to people who can help you, offer their support, or share helpful resources.

    And even if they don’t, there are small actions you can begin to take. If your dream is to be a painter, buy some paints and do your first painting. If your dream is to live by the beach, book a weekend getaway to one of the beach towns you’re considering and check it out.

    Whatever your dream is, you can take a baby step toward making it a reality, and those steps will lead you to where you want to go.

    And yes, it’ll sometimes be terrifying. I know that it’s not easy to do. So take one small risk at a time and slowly, step-by-step, you’ll move in a new direction.

    The more you’re able to share about your dreams and strengths, the easier it’s going to be for you to get what you want. And even if you don’t get exactly what you think you want, you’ll probably be far more fulfilled just by being on a path that excites you.

    Even as a shy person, you deserve to have a full and beautiful life. So start taking small steps today to get you there.

  • We All Need to Define “Success” for Ourselves

    We All Need to Define “Success” for Ourselves

    “There’s no such thing as what you ‘should’ be doing with your life.” –Lori Deschene

    How often have you thought about what success means to you?

    If you’re anything like my younger self, that would be almost never. It’s not that I didn’t want to be successful. It’s just that it wasn’t something I’d given much thought to. No one ever asked me about it or even encouraged me to think about success. I’d just absorbed it from the people and culture around me, watching how they lived and what was important to them.

    From what I saw around me, I internalized a vague idea of success as looking like a decent job and a house with a dining room and a tidy green lawn. So that’s what I was going to do. I was going to follow that plan for success and live happily ever after. How could there be anything wrong with this plan? Who wouldn’t want these things?

    I was going to make this dream happen. I went to college, got a good corporate job, and waited for happiness to rain down on me. It didn’t. I was miserable in that job and left it to try a different position. And then another different position.

    Along the way, I became a homeowner with a dining room and a tidy green lawn. Okay, happiness—I’m ready for you! But it turned out that I hated the upkeep of a lawn, and the dining room gathered dust because it was hardly used.

    This was not going as I’d planned. I was confused. I’d done all the “right” things, so why wasn’t I feeling better about my life?

    Because I wasn’t really living my life. I was living others’ ideas of how I should live my life.

    That’s a big difference.

    When we’re young, our understanding of who we are and the how the world works comes from what we see around us. For the most part, you don’t question it because it’s your normal. What your normal looks like is defined by your family, friends, community, and culture. Whether it’s told to you explicitly or it’s how you see people behaving, you learn the rules and expectations of your world.

    As a child, your job is to follow the rules, like go to school, finish your homework, do your chores, be good, and do what you’re told. And by following the rules and meeting these expectations, you’re rewarded. You get good grades, praise, maybe a trophy or an allowance.

    It’s expected that you’ll stay on track, hit the education goals you’ve been training for, and make your way in the world as a bona fide adult. Even though the people who steered you on this path meant well, it’s a one-size-fits-all path toward an accepted idea of success that wasn’t questioned.

    And that’s the problem. Because one size does not fit all. That path may be perfect for some people, and that’s great for them. They’re able to take the rules and expectations and run with them.

    But for everyone else, it’s a different story. Does this sound familiar? You did everything just like you were expected, you followed the rules… and yet, you wonder why you’re not happy. You worked hard to get here. Your life looks good on paper, but it doesn’t feel like it looks. Is this what success is supposed to feel like?

    (Hint: No!)

    It’s important to understand that you haven’t done anything wrong. You followed the obvious path that was set before you when you didn’t know any other way. But following someone else’s idea of success is like wearing a toddler’s outfit as an adult: it never fits and it feels really uncomfortable.

    But even at that point, when we’re squirming in the toddler clothing version of our life, sometimes we still go all in on the idea of success we’ve been given. Because what else do you have? You weren’t taught any other way.

    It’s like driving a car into a ditch and stepping on the gas pedal. You put more effort into the thing that isn’t working, pushing yourself further into a rut that seems inescapable. You end up stretched thin, exhausted, working too much, and frustrated that you can’t make this better.

    When the old way isn’t working for you and you’re ready for a change, it’s time to create your own definition of success.

    This means you determine what success looks like for you, on your terms. You stop trudging dutifully along the path that’s not right for you. You uncover what’s important to you and live your life in a way that aligns with your values.

    This is very different from following someone else’s plan for your life. It’s about deliberately and authentically choosing how you want to live and focusing on what means the most to you.

    This doesn’t necessarily mean that you turn your entire life upside down and inside out (though it can). Sometimes small shifts can make a big difference. There’s no right or wrong way—it’s distinctly personal and specific to each of us because we’re crafting our own unique definition. (Like the unused dining room in my house—you may love having a formal space in your home for people to gather.)

    Have you ever asked yourself what you really want? This is a big question. Answering it might take some patience and time.

    And, this might sound a little crazy but you don’t want to think too hard about it. Your mind will likely start yammering about what you “should” do (which will probably look a lot like the old ways you want to change).

    Your deeper wisdom will provide the answers you seek. You’ll feel it in your body—a spark, a sense of freedom, a burst of joy or enthusiasm—as you uncover what’s most important to you.

    Look at the old idea of success you’ve been living. Was the whole idea wrong for you? Or were only parts of it problematic? What parts did you enjoy? Your answers will begin to illuminate your new definition of success.

    Dig deeper into what you value and what you want more of in your life. How do you want to spend your time? Where and with whom? Consider all aspects of your life, not just work, including relationships, intellectual development, spiritual growth, hobbies and leisure, and health and wellness.

    I wish I’d known how to think about success back when I was zigzagging through different careers and dusting the dining room table. But it’s okay, really, because we can always start right from where we are and make choices that move us in a different direction.

    We each have our own journey of discovery. Where we are isn’t who we are; it’s just a step along our path. It’s so important to keep in mind that we’re never too late, too old, or too stuck to change the direction of our lives.

    Sometimes it can feel like the life we want is unattainable, always out of reach, and we’ll never get out of the rut we’re mired in. This is a big fat lie and I urge you to shift “I can’t” to “I can” (or at least “maybe it’s possible”) because you can choose to start doing something different. Even small changes toward your vision of success will start to shift your entire trajectory. It’s a process and a practice. Keep going, one step at a time, in the direction that calls you.

    I now live in a different state, in a house that’s dining room-free and doesn’t have a blade of grass in the yard. It’s a life that’s so right for me. And I know you can find your just-right life too, when you define success for you.

  • You Aren’t Stuck in Life: Commit to Change and Get Started

    You Aren’t Stuck in Life: Commit to Change and Get Started

    “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” ~Mark Twain

    We all have big dreams, big goals, and big ideas on what we think our life should look like, or how we think life will end up.

    Some of us meticulously plan out our lives, envisioning and letting ourselves daydream as we think about all the stuff we’d love to accomplish. I’d wager that our plans include some pretty big things in life that would make us feel pretty proud.

    The problem is, a lot of us have trouble reaching the potential we’ve set for ourselves. Time kind of flies by, and we end up looking back and wondering what went wrong.

    Well, one reason stands out like a sore thumb: We never really get started doing the things we truly want to do. We’re all guilty of it, and that includes me.

    I’ve cooked up dozens (literally dozens) of ideas or things I wanted to try over the years. How many did I actually try? Far less than dozens; let’s just say the ratio isn’t exactly working in my favor.

    Now, as time has gone by, I’ve been able to explore more of them. But as you know, some of them got shelved for good. I probably don’t even remember half of the things I wanted to try and never did.

    Why did I not try? What was the reasoning behind it? Why did I lack the forward motion necessary to at least attempt something and see if it sticks? I, like you, are fully aware that not everything we do will end up being a calling in life. But you won’t know until you give it a shot.

    To help you better understand this idea pertaining to a lack of motion, one must take a step back and realize that life, in a very big nutshell, is a series of decisions and actions. These two components are crucial for our self-growth and success in life and unfortunately are not mutually exclusive.

    Without making a decision and following it up with action, we could spend our entire lives stuck in the exact same place.

    If you make a decision but don’t take any action, not much will happen. On the other hand, if you take a bunch of actions without any decisions driving them, you’ll aimlessly float around.

    Being stuck in the same place or floating around aimlessly sounds torturous, doesn’t it? It is, and a lot of people must be living real-life nightmares. I had to wake up from my own years ago.

    Good or bad, where you are in life at this very moment is a reflection of all the past choices you’ve made. Some of us will read that and smile, maybe even give ourselves a little nod of appreciation if it’s good. On the other hand, a fair number of us will probably have a hard time digesting it.

    If you aren’t quite where you thought you’d be, I’d like to start by just saying that it’s perfectly okay. Most of us aren’t really where we thought we’d be, and we’re still giving it our best shot.

    There are generally two reasons you aren’t at your “ideal” place. A small chance is that life gave you an obstacle course with things completely out of your control; in other words, life got in the way temporarily. But there’s a bigger possibility you aren’t where you thought you’d be: you just flat out didn’t pursue something. And it was likely out of fear.

    In other words, you didn’t really ever get started.

    The Good And The Bad News

    Let’s start with the bad news: You never got started, and now you’ve wasted some valuable time moving toward your goals. Your life isn’t really playing out like you thought it would, and you feel somewhat stuck with your current habits, lifestyle, relationships, career, and other things.

    Pause for a moment and take a deep breath, as this might have hit closer to home than you’d prefer.

    Good, you’re still with me.

    Now let’s transition to the good news, because it’s actually really good:

    You’re never stuck, and while the best time to start something was yesterday, the next best time is now.

    You, yes you, have the ability to create the life you want, but it requires you to make moves. And while you may have fallen short previously, it doesn’t mean you will fall short going forward.

    Here’s the bottom line: your past does not dictate your future. Your past habits and lifestyle do not have to determine your lot in life.

    The Idea Behind Starting

    You’ve probably heard the quote “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Well, it sure is true. Because really, is anything built in a day?

    Was your house fully built on top of a piece of land in a day? Was that skyscraper completely erected in a day? Did you apply for, interview, and start working at your job in the span of twenty-four hours?

    Things take time to build. Let’s say you’ve been wanting to switch careers because your soul has been sucked completely dry. You planted the career switching seed a while ago, and you’ve been letting it marinate for far too long.

    Yet you haven’t made any moves, and in the meantime, nothing has changed. Does this sound familiar? I found myself in this exact position years ago. I was miserable at a job I didn’t enjoy. I wanted to change, but I got scared of the unknown and didn’t make any changes.

    Years passed by before I got a kick in the pants and decided to take a change. It took getting laid off, but it was the best thing that happened to me. I decided enough was enough. It was time to ultimately change my entire career, and also start exploring other smaller avenues on the side.

    But unfortunately, I didn’t really know the one thing I needed to do professionally in order to be more fulfilled. I knew what I didn’t want to do (hello old career), but I also didn’t know what I wanted to do.

    I began formulating. Writing goals. Crafting some business plans. Attending meetups and networking around areas I found interesting. It was through this meetup that I came across a three-month program being offered in a particular field that I had once tinkered with in high school, but walked away from.

    And voila, I am now in my new career. You can put the pieces together, but I took a leap and joined the program. Fear and all. I was scared, but now I am in a field that is 180 degrees from my previous one. And all it took was attending a meetup. Funny how life works.

    Self-doubt and fear are the two biggest barriers in our quest to make moves. A third, and less talked about one, is pure overwhelm: seeing where you are and looking where you want to go leaves you exasperated.

    This is where movement comes into play. You take steps, however small, toward your visions and goals. You make sure you’re moving forward.

    And here’s the cool thing: The force that you apply, in other words the actions you take, can be extremely small and still produce positive results. This is the idea of micro-movement.

    What does this mean? If you’re scared to make a move because you’re overwhelmed by the end result of where you think you need to go, it’s really important to realize one big thing: your collection of small steps equals big results.

    No one takes a leap of faith and accomplishes life’s biggest goals in the same breath. Life rewards those who take consistent, measurable action, while enjoying a dose of patience and commitment.

    Putting All The Pieces Together

    Most people have an idea of some higher-level goals they’d love to accomplish in their lives. Be it personal, health, finances, career, relationships, or all five, every single one of us has fallen victim to overwhelm and the paralyzing nature of fear.

    But a few things are happening in your favor.

    Namely, the universe is here to aid you in your dreams and desires if you let it.

    It just requires a few things:

    • A decision made internally to change
    • A desire to take the steps required
    • A realization that micro-movements forward are perfectly normal
    • Actually making moves
    • A dose of patience and commitment

    Then, the laws of motion will help you take care of the rest because you’ll have built movement and momentum.

    You aren’t stuck in life. You are capable of making a lot of power moves.

    The key is just getting started.

  • It’s Okay to ‘Fail’ on Your Way to Finding What You Want to Do

    It’s Okay to ‘Fail’ on Your Way to Finding What You Want to Do

    “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw

    I would say it’s a safe assumption that most people aren’t quite sure what they’re doing.

    What do I mean? I mean that most individuals—whether they look polished and presentable or haphazardly have their life thrown together—are generally playing a game called “life.” And they’re trying the best they can.

    In other words, we’re all capable and have all experienced the highs and lows of what life has to offer. Unfortunately, that’s just part of the human experience. To try to ride the highs while avoiding the lows is counterproductive and, quite frankly, impossible.

    But it’s also easy to feel like you’re falling down a dark rabbit hole when times are tougher. And one of those feelings revolves around our desire to make an impact on this world, finding what really drives us.

    Great! Now, where to start?

    And that’s the problem. Most of us, including myself, have fallen victim to not knowing what to do with our lives, both professionally and even personally.

    And I offer you this: that is perfectly okay. And it is perfectly okay to fail on your way to finding out what to do with your life.

    Failing Whether You Want To or Not

    Life isn’t about an end goal or a destination. Life is about enjoying the ride and trying different things. Things you will succeed at and things you won’t succeed at.

    I personally have failed at many things in my life in its two most common forms: action and inaction.

    One of my biggest “failures” of inaction was sticking with a career that I didn’t enjoy on any level for far too long. It got so bad, I would begin to dread Saturdays because I knew the next day was Sunday, which meant the day before the workweek began. And when that week started, I counted the days down until the weekend.

    And the cycle would repeat. Yet I kept this uncomfortable routine for years, lying to myself and saying that it was okay because I had a stable job, a good income, and it could be worse.

    I was too scared to take a step or make a move. And years flew by before I realized it was time to take one.

    I also didn’t move when I had the opportunity to. I didn’t take a trip because it might have required a bit more financing than I thought. I didn’t volunteer because life got busy and I shelved the idea.

    The lack of moving forward, or taking a step, results in a failed effort to grow as a person. We begin to regret that we didn’t do X, Y, or Z. And unfortunately, living with regret is the fastest way to bury yourself into a hole.

    But failure can also occur as you go about sticking your neck out and trying different things.

    And unfortunately, this is the one that scares most people. Why? Because there is nothing worse than actually taking a leap of faith, only to have it blow up in our face. We may learn valuable life lessons from it, yet it doesn’t exactly help our arch-nemesis, the ego.

    But as Wayne Gretzky once said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

    So if the last relationship you got into didn’t work out, it’ll be okay. If the job you switched to didn’t turn out in your favor, not a problem. And if telling someone your true feelings got you on the wrong side of the equation, so be it.

    Now you know. And you never would have known if you didn’t take that step. Rest easy knowing that you made the effort.

    Life and Newton’s First Law of Motion

    I remember at very specific points telling myself that sooner than later I’d figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but I needed to keep my job in the meantime.

    Life doesn’t work like that.

    I used to think that a lightning bolt from Zeus himself would come down and strike me, in the form of some epiphany wrapped in a layer of motivation. This “lightning bolt,” some kind of chance meeting with someone or witnessing something, would basically give me all the info I needed to pursue the things in life that were meant for me.

    I was convinced it was that simple.

    As you can imagine, that lightning bolt never hit, and I felt stuck. And it was equally hard to imagine a different life besides the one I was living: going to work, watching TV, and going out on the weekends with friends.

    This life I was living had done me fairly well up to this point, but I knew something was missing. What that piece (or pieces) were, I didn’t know. But all of us, at some point, feel that sort of “empty” void when we know something is absent.

    After awhile, I began to take steps to try different things that struck my fancy. Things like writing, taking an art class, volunteering, reading, researching different industries and careers, and many more. If it stuck out to me, I was willing to give it a shot.

    And here you have executed on Newton’s First Law of Motion: An object either remains at rest or continues to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by an external force.  

    In simpler terms, an object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object at rest tends to stay at rest.

    Looking back, all of the small things I tried were baby steps, but very important ones. It was these tiny little movements, so to speak, that enabled me to start moving in a direction that gave me greater joy and led to more fulfillment.

    I started writing for a local magazine, free of charge, in an effort to practice my writing. I made it a point to read at least one book every two weeks, and ended with over thirty-four by year-end. I went back to school and completely changed careers.

    And, as you can imagine, life got much better. But it didn’t go completely smoothly. I had some wrong turns in there, including taking a bad job and entering a bad relationship.

    I did all these things in an effort to find my true calling, the one or two things that completely light me up and I would do for free without hesitation. Have I found it yet? I can’t say I have.

    And yet somehow, I’m a little more at ease knowing that while I may not know what I want to do with my life, I’m trying things that will help me eventually find it.

    I can also tell you that I’ve failed multiple times through taking action and I’ve failed multiple times by doing nothing.

    It’s through these failures, though, that I’ve learned to hone in on the things that worked. And through honing in on the things that worked, I’ve been able to focus my attention in areas that interest me and have given me the greatest return.

    You Have An Amazing Ride If You Want It

    If I were to tell you with 110% certainty and conviction that life has an amazing ride in store for you if you were to take baby steps toward finding yourself, would you do it? If I were to then tell you that no matter what steps you take, you will ultimately fail at some point, would you still do it?

    It should give you comfort to know that the steps you take won’t be perfect by any means. And knowing they’re not perfect should take the pressure off on trying to create immaculate scenarios every single time.

    I know one thing: I’m much closer to finding my life’s purpose than I was before. And it’s because I’ve taken steps to try different things and see what sticks and what doesn’t.

    Ultimately, there are many steps in life ahead of you that will be the right choice, and a few that will be the wrong choice. But either way, you’re winning by taking action.

  • The Difference Between Letting Go and Running Away

    The Difference Between Letting Go and Running Away

    “It’s about our ability to leave our death on the battlefield of life. Or having the strength and courage to give them our love and to bring them back.” ~Edward Frenkel

    It took me almost twenty years to realize that running away from ourselves isn’t the same as letting go. That realization, as with so many others, came at a time when I was at one of my lowest points.

    The day everything changed began as one of the worst of my life.

    I was struggling with the breakup of a long-term relationship. We’d been due to move in together when I discovered he’d betrayed my trust so badly that remaining in a relationship was impossible.

    I was working long hours in a job I’d grown to hate and I was exhausted. I was barely sleeping, and when I did it was the kind of nightmare-filled, fitful sleep that took forever to return from.

    I’d wake up each morning feeling as though I’d been in a battle as I slept. My fatigue was so overwhelming that I could barely manage to keep my house clean and parent my son.

    I was beat, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

    My son was staying with his grandmother for the weekend, and once I no longer had to hold it together for him the floodgates opened. It was more than the loss of the man I’d believed I would spend the rest of my life with; it was the knowledge that my life had become passionless across the board.

    I wanted to live a creative life, to sustain myself and my son via spiritual and creative expression. But I felt blocked at every turn and I could no longer hold in my grief and desolation.

    I spent hours wandering from room to room in my silent house. Every now and then I would curl up on the floor and howl uncontrollably. Eventually, I couldn’t cry any longer and I wrapped myself in my duvet and put videos on autoplay, hoping to distract myself into numbness.

    That’s when it happened. I was half-listening to a talk by the mathematician Edward Frenkel. I’d heard it before and enjoyed it, but this time something he said utterly gut-punched me.

    He said:

    “Do you leave your deaths on the battlefield of life, or do you have the strength and courage to give them your love and bring them back?”

    And that was when I knew Edward Frenkel and I had something in common. We both knew something about dying.

    Frenkel described a time in his life he had only recently begun to understand. It was a moment when he was sixteen and he was refused a place at university in Russia because of his Jewish heritage.

    Despite going on to become wildly successful in his field, he spent years disconnected to the sixteen-year-old adolescent inside of him. To the pain of that moment when his dreams were crushed.

    As I listened suddenly she was there again. The girl I had tried to forget. The girl I had left on my own battlefield.

    I’d spent years training as a contemporary dancer. I won scholarships and top roles in performances as well as competitions in choreography. I was young, talented, passionate, and obsessed.

    One dance school called me more than others and I dreamed of finishing my training there. The day of the audition, on my seventeenth birthday, I traveled to that dance school, floating on a wave of excitement, nerves, and a sense of ‘rightness.’ Of knowing this was exactly where I needed to be.

    The process was emotionally brutal. Only five people out of a cohort of over forty were called to the next stage after doing group classes and individual solos. The rest were told to go home, as they’d been unsuccessful.

    I was one of the five. I waited in the corridor for my physical exam and interview. The instructor told us to relax, we’d passed the dance part of the audition and now it was just wrapping up the formalities. We talked about what it would be like in September when we started.

    I went home and slept in a kind of peaceful joy, knowing my dreams were coming true.

    Three days passed and the letter arrived. I began to tear it open, barely registering that it didn’t look quite right.

    It wasn’t a thick envelope, stuffed full of information about course equipment and places to live; this envelope was small and thin. Inside was a letter that simply said they regretted to inform me I had been unsuccessful.

    And that was the day a part of me died. She stayed dead for a very long time.

    I wasn’t as strong as Edward Frenkel, who continued with Math. I know nothing about his home life, but mine at the time was awful.

    Layers of trauma from a close relative’s mental health issues were taking their toll. I’d witnessed multiple suicide attempts and holding it together for my mother, who was struggling to cope, had torn into my psyche.

    Dance had been my refuge from all that. The one thing that had never let me down. The one thing I trusted, believed in, and knew with everything I had I would do with my life.

    The shock of the rejection floored me. I didn’t know what to do. I cried, once.

    And then? I ran.

    I wasn’t strong enough to pick myself up and audition again the next year. Instead, I ran away. I ran to an older, abusive boyfriend. I ran to university instead of dance school. I ran to drugs. I ran to self-harm that lasted right up until the day I became a mother.

    That day almost twenty years later, as I listened to Edward Frenkel’s words I realized that at aged thirty-six I was still running. Part of me had died that day; the part of me that was filled with creative passion and obsession. The part of me that felt a spiritual flow and call so deep there were no words for it.

    I’d spent years putting a band-aid on the pain. I busied myself with little creative projects, even danced a bit as a hobby. I’d told myself it was okay and I had to let her go. Let go of the passion I’d once felt, the sense of rightness and surety.

    But I was kidding myself. I hadn’t been letting her go all those years. I’d been running away from her, running away from the pain of rejection. And not only that, the fear of rejection was still so great I was running from my current creative dreams.

    That day my head began spinning. Could I go back for her? For that girl I’d left dead on the battlefield of my life? How could I, after so many years of rejecting her?

    I paced my room for a few more minutes and then slowly something shifted. I picked up the phone and I called a good friend. That night we drove to the beach.

    I’ve always had an affinity for the sea. It’s where I feel the most alive and peaceful. The stars were out in the clear night sky and pools of water on the sand held the moon’s reflection. I walked alone to the water’s edge and quietly I began to talk to that girl.

    She was angry. Hurt. I’d rejected her and denied her existence for so many years. But slowly, she began to listen.

    I told her that yes the dream we’d had was over and I was sorry for running away from that dream. I told her I was sorry for running away from her. I told her I loved her. Deeply and completely. And, I told her that if she wanted, we could create a new dream together.

    There were a few moments of silence and then I felt her. She was inside me, still. And I realized that all those years I’d been trying to forget her, to ‘let go’ of her, to surrender her passions, when what I really needed to do was embrace her.

    In order to let go of the pain, I had to accept it, allow it, and integrate it and my past self into who I was now.

    Killing her had done nothing for me. It was only by having the strength and courage to give her my love and bring her back to me that I could stop letting the shattered dreams of the past rule my dreams in the present.

    That night I slept properly for the first time in weeks and when I woke up I knew what to do.

    For so many years I’d played at the edges of a creative career. I’d told myself it was “unrealistic” or I’d get round to it “one day.” But I was lying to myself.

    The truth was I’d been so afraid to feel the rejection of my passion again that I sidelined every opportunity that came my way.

    This is what happens when we cut ourselves off from our passions in an attempt to protect ourselves from pain. Because we’ve been hurt, we try to stay safe by remaining wherever feels comfortable, even if that comfort is actually preventing us from accessing potential joy. But without risking pain, we prevent ourselves from growing, and the irony is that by holding ourselves down to ensure we don’t fall we actually create far more pain in the long run.

    When we go outside of our comfort zones and risk falling it opens up a whole new world of purpose, excitement, and engagement.

    Realizing this was difficult but liberating.

    A year after that morning I’d quit the job I hated and was making a living from writing, my other great creative passion. It wasn’t easy. Facing down every objection my mind could throw up about why I should just go back to what was familiar was challenging and sometimes exhausting. Sometimes it hurt like hell. To date, I’ve had my writing rejected more times than I can count.

    But with each rejection, she’s there. I hold her close. I tell her I love her.

    Together we dance. Then we begin again.

  • How to Keep Going When Your Dream Seems Far Off

    How to Keep Going When Your Dream Seems Far Off

    “Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.” ~Oprah Winfrey

    I needed a bit of extra cash last month, so I took on a temporary events role working at a local design exhibition.

    I’ve worked in events before, so I didn’t think much about it.

    I just knew that I needed some money, I liked doing events, and a short contract had presented itself.

    It seemed perfect!

    So off I went to my first shift, feeling pretty good about myself and about life.

    The first event was at a studio in a deserted industrial park. Even at 5:30pm, when it was still light, I felt uncomfortable walking the ten minutes from the bus stop.

    When I got there, I quickly realized that the role wasn’t going to be as fun as I thought it would be: standing shivering outside in the cold, wearing an exhibition t-shirt, registering attendees, most of whom weren’t on the guest list but were expecting to be on the list.

    So they got shirty.

    And the line up grew longer.

    So they got even more shirty.

    Two hours later, and I was starting to wonder why I’d taken on the role. (And don’t get me wrong—I know there are worse jobs, and that I’d signed up for it myself. I’m not looking for pity.)

    I started talking to the other girls who were working there. They were students, and it turns out they were a lot younger than me—nineteen and twenty-four. (I’m thirty-five.)

    Now, I know that age doesn’t make a difference, and I’m generally pretty comfortable with my age. (Getting older is better than the alternative!) But in that moment, I felt pretty crappy.

    So as I stood in the cold, with two girls ten to fifteen years younger than me, working for a near minimum wage job, I started to feel down.

    I started feeling sorry for myself.

    And at the end of the night, as I waited for the bus in the cold, dark bus depot, feeling pretty low, I texted a friend who I knew would understand.

    My text read:

    “What the hell am I doing?! I’m thirty-five years old, and I just worked a minimum wage job in a dodgy part of town, with a nineteen year old, and now I’m waiting for the hour-long bus journey to take me home.

     My other friends are doctors or lawyers, own houses, and drive their (nice) cars to their places of work. 

    Ever feel like you’ve missed the boat somewhere?!”

    My friend was sympathetic (she’s temping and traveling around Europe while most of her peers are buying houses, having kids, and generally “doing very well.”)

    And then she said something that really stuck with me. Something that brought it all home:

    She simply said:

    “Think of your long-term vision.”

    This is how she explained it to me:

    “Yes, you’re doing a minimum wage role (temporarily). And yes, you’re working with people much younger than you. And taking the bus to work.

    But you’re doing all this for a reason.

    You’re doing this so you can set up your business. You’re doing this so you can create a new life for yourself—a life to really be proud of.

    You’re doing this for the end goal.

    So yes, it is sucky right now. But think of your long-term vision.”

    I couldn’t have asked for a better reminder.

    Because that was exactly it: I was working the job to earn extra money while I set up a business I’m passionate about.

    I was temporarily in a murky patch so I could get to a better place in the future.

    And I had forgotten my long-term vision. I had gotten caught up in the short-term

    And this is so easy to do.

    So I’d like to share my experience with you, to remind you of this powerful idea: Keep your long-term perspective in mind.

    Don’t get caught up in what is happening now, only.

    Think of the bigger picture: your big plans, your long-term goals.

    If you’re setting up your business and feel like you’re not getting anywhere, think of the long-term vision.

    You might not get anywhere in the first few months, but what about the next year or two? How far could you get if you kept going and putting in the effort?

    If you’re working two jobs in order to go traveling after grad school, keep that vision in mind.

    Think of setting off on that plane with your passport in hand, sipping an espresso in a village in Italy, or seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time.

    Keep your long-term vision in mind.

    If you’re writing a book and you’ve rewritten the first chapter ten times, think of your long-term vision: being an author.

    Picture having your first book published and seeing it on sale in your local bookstore.

    If you’re training for a half marathon and you busted your knee running, rest up, and think of your long-term goal: crossing that finish line.

    Don’t worry about the things happening now. The crappy jobs you take… the revisions you’re making… the demo tapes you’re sending off with no replies… the manuscript rejections. These are all temporary.

    But the long-term, if you keep taking action and putting one foot in front of the other, could be very different.

    If you let it.

    If you keep going.

    If you keep your goal in mind, and keep it clear.

    See, I had forgotten my reason for taking on this temporary events role.

    It wasn’t to work in the cold while annoyed guests took their impatience out on me.

    (Funnily enough!)

    It was to earn money so I can keep working on my business.

    To keep afloat while I follow my dream—my passion.

    Something that makes me feel excited and proud and hopeful and exhilarated.

    But, hang on, I know what you’re thinking:

    Sounds easy, but how do you do it in practice?

    How do you focus on the long-term, while you’re dealing with the difficulties of the short-term?

    So here’s how I did it. I hope these points are helpful for you too:

    1. Get clear on your goal, and display it somewhere prominent.

    Post it on your wall. Set it as your phone backdrop. Make it your computer wallpaper.

    Anything. Just make it visible. So you have a reminder, day in, day out, of what you’re working toward.

    2. Know how your short-term plans are feeding into your long-term goal.

    Get clear on how your actions are contributing to it.

    E.g.: I am putting up posters in the rain at eight o’clock at night so that people know about my business and I can eventually help people with my successful and inspiring series of retreats.

    I am taking the bus to this business event two hours from my hometown so I can meet people who might be able to help me get a job in my desired industry, or give me tips on how I can make it in this competitive market.

    3. Team up with someone doing something similar.

    Texting my friend was the best thing I could have done because she understood. She sympathized. I didn’t feel judged, or stupid.

    So find someone in a similar situation to you. It doesn’t have to be in person—go online and seek out supportive websites, Facebook groups, whatever it is that helps you realize you’re not alone.

    4. Know that everyone goes through this.

    The people you see at the top of their game didn’t start there. They sweated, and toiled, and kept going when the end seemed unrealistic, or even impossible at times.

    No one promised them they would get to the top. So they used their belief to keep them going.

    Think of anyone you admire, in any field…

    Did they work hard to get there, or did they have it handed to them magically on a plate? Did they take time to get to where they are now, or did it happen overnight?

    5. Appreciate where you are now.

    See the positives as well as the negatives. Your blog only has four readers? Great—think of all the mistakes you can make without anyone knowing or making harsh comments!

    Working a boring job while you pay your way through school? Then sign up with a friend, and make it fun!

    Because—without sounding negative—you will still have issues and problems when you get to where you want to be. They’ll just be different problems and issues. So enjoy the problems you have now.

    I might have moaned about my long bus journey home at night, but if I’m traveling for business in the future, there could still be times where my flight is delayed and I’m hailing a cab in the pouring rain at one in the morning.

    Appreciate where you are on your journey—it is all important.

    So there we go. Five ways to keep going when your short-term reality doesn’t match your long-term vision.

    Because we all have to do things we don’t necessarily want to do to get to where we truly want to be.

    Most people don’t want to put themselves through this.

    They don’t want to go through the tough times, the yucky stuff, to emerge out the other side, stronger and clearer on where they’re headed.

    It’s easier to stay in the easy, safe zone.

    Do the things you gotta do to get to where you want to be.

    Because we only have this one life. So why not live it pursuing the things you love—your big goals and dreams?

    Why not go after those dreams and adventures rather than moaning that nothing good ever comes your way? (Hint: it’s because you have to go out and get it.)

    And now, over to you:

    What are you working on now to fulfill your long-term vision?

    What are you going through now, in order to create a brighter future for yourself?

    What have you learned along the way?

    Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear!