Yeah, it sounds like it’s an ego thing for her. You may have dodged a bullet by not being with her, and she may have done you a favor, even though it didn’t seem like it at the time. She seems immature and egotistical, needing attention on her and getting upset when it’s directed toward someone else, even when you aren’t together and that attention is directed toward the person you ARE with. It’s so extremely selfish for her to seemingly prefer you (or her ex-husband) be alone than with someone else, especially when SHE did the dumping, don’t you think?

I think you’re always going to feel for her. You had a connection and that doesn’t really turn off, but at least you’re starting to be able to see her with better clarity now. Just because a strong connection is there doesn’t mean it’s right. Just take from this that you can FEEL that type of connection, but she’s not the only one you can feel that with.

So in the meantime, just keep trying to allow yourself to detach. I think that’s the hardest part. A big part of us WANTS to detach and move on, but with connections like that, an even bigger part of us wants to hold on because it felt so good and there’s a fear that we’ll never find that again. You have to just get yourself to allow that shift, of making the part of you that wants to detach and move on stronger than the part of you that wants to hold on. Allow the desire to detach to come through… every time you feel it, like you’re ready to let go… resonate with it, allow it, and let that desire go stronger. Reinforce it in your mind as the right and most beneficial decision for you.  Then when you feel the need to hold on, acknowledge those thoughts without trying to fight them, but then let them go. Picture them in a boat, traveling down the river… oh, there are those thoughts again, floating past in their boat, and there they go down the river, and you unemotionally let them pass. I think that’s the key.

She’s an amazing woman, in the process of getting her degree and building a successful career and and he’s a blue collar worker but unemployed at the moment. He’s also somewhat of a party guy that drinks a lot.

I told her that I’ll be happy as long as she is but I can’t really be happy for her as I think she’ll have to deal with a lot of challenges (raising the child, putting a wait on her career development, being attached to this guy forever, maybe being a single mom and so on).

Hi Marge!

I singled out a couple quotes from your post because those are what I want to touch on specifically. I think it’s okay to be happy for your friend, because she is going to be fine, either way.  You say she’s amazing, in the process of getting her degree (so she’s smart) and building her career (resourceful, driven), which are all great qualities that will help her raise her child, even as a single mom who may have to co-parent with a not-so-great guy.

I say she will be fine because I’m in the situation you are worried about your friend being in, and my kids make it so worth it. I started into school right after I got pregnant with my daughter, continued on through school and began and built a career, all while being a single parent (the father left me when I was pregnant and wasn’t involved at all during the first year). Meanwhile, people told me I’d never make it, they told me I wouldn’t be able to finish school (which I did), wouldn’t be able to buy my own home (which I have), etc. Yes, it’s not easy and sometimes it requires accepting help from others (like friends or grandparents who are dying to babysit), but it’s definitely doable, she’ll still be able to achieve her goals as long as she still wants to, and it isn’t going to ruin her life, especially if she’s smart, driven, and resourceful. A baby to love will likely enrich her life, especially since it’s wanted. If this is her first child, she’s about to feel a love she didn’t know existed, and that’s awesome.

As for the guy…. just let that ride for now since there isn’t much you can do. It’s likely her hormones that are making her feel super in love with him, and those will wear off after the pregnancy. Hopefully, he either gets himself together once the baby gets here (sometimes things like that can wake people up and make them want to change for the better) or if he doesn’t get his act together, hopefully she will recognize the red flags and leave, just as she would without having a child with him. Just because you have a child with someone doesn’t mean you should stay with them, and I can tell you that I am SO. GLAD. I didn’t end up staying with my daughter’s father. He was not a good partner to me, and we get along much better apart. Sometimes it’s not the right decision to stay together for the kids, and that’s okay, too.

So anyway… your job as her friend is to just be supportive of the baby (you don’t have to be supportive of the guy… I would just redirect conversation away from him when she talks about him for now)… be happy WITH her… don’t talk about how hard this is going to make her life (because it’ll just make her resent you, it won’t change her mind, and the worries may not actually end up being a problem at all)… and just enjoy this experience with her. She may be backing off because she doesn’t feel supported, doesn’t want to be around people who aren’t happy for her or who might talk negatively about the situation, and pregnancy is a time when you definitely want support of people who are happy and excited right along with you and who will make it a fun experience. Go shopping for baby clothes! <3 haha

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.

 he’s said it was pure strange & weird and feels pure awkward being friendly with me now. I asked what he wants to do and he said he doesn’t know but he won’t be rushing for a night out with me and he doesn’t need this right now.

I think you should just take what he’s said here to heart and leave him alone completely until he contacts you. If he never contacts you, consider it a friendship that has ran its course.  I read above that this is a different guy  from last time, so it just seems like you get really attached to people, so that might be something for you to work on about yourself: allowing people to come and go from your life without getting too upset when the friendship has run its course and they move on.  I’ve had many friendships that come and go and come back again later and then go again and come back and some that stay gone, and that’s just sort of what happens with adult friendships and even romantic relationships.  You have to learn to be okay with going with the flow of relationships because when you try to hold on, it pushes people away and decreases the chance that they’ll ever come back again, and some people really are just meant to be temporary friends.

It’s eating you alive because you’re overthinking it. It doesn’t matter if she hated her 2 years ago. People change. Some of my best friends are people I did not get along with well at all in the past but when people grow, that allows them to get along better in the future. They likely just reconnected somehow, maybe ran into each other somewhere, and started talking again and realized they get along better now.  Like I said before, just think of it as a stepping stone. You could ask your friend’s wife about it to see how they started being FB friends but I wouldn’t “confront” her.

And yes, I do know how bad you want to see your ex’s FB page. I’ve thought many times about looking at my ex’s, wondering if seeing him with someone else would help me move on 100%, but it’s a bad idea for me. I know that it wouldn’t do anything for me because my ex was lovey dovey with me right up until he broke up with me, so his show of affection means nothing of his feelings for whatever relationship he’s in and that wouldn’t prove anything to me, and if he’s single, I’d wonder why he never started talking to me again. So nothing good will come of me looking, but if you think it will help you by seeing that stuff and that you won’t dwell on it by constantly wondering why she does that stuff with him and didn’t with you, then go for it. BUT if you DO look and then you start overthinking and dwelling more, that’s an obvious sign to never look again.

It’s possible you were a rebound with the lack of lovey dovey posts for you, especially if she’s done that with her current boyfriend. Literally everyone enters relationships because they are finding something they need in that relationship. If that relationship is only filling a temporary need (like a bandaid for feelings or a distraction), then they no longer feel a need to be in that relationship once that need has passed (i.e., they are feeling better about whatever they were upset about before). You may be still hooked on your ex because she filled a need in you that you now need to figure out how to fill for yourself.  This is why I think you’ll feel better about that whole situation once you start really getting into taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy. Right now, everything about your recent situation is still reminding you of your breakup with her, but that stuff will get better too as long as you cut contact with your recent ex. Give it time.

 And honestly if she was to come back to me, i would have a hard time standing up for myself.  She really is my kryptonite.

This means she’s toxic to you. I hope you know that.  That’s probably why you aren’t together.

Anita, I LOVE that analogy. It’s a great visual, and it really is true for a lot of people who feel overwhelmed. With that kind of analogy, you can see why relationships are often the first thing to go in those cases, because often they’re the easiest thing to let go of compared to the other “rocks.”

Hi Alina,

What were your previous relationships like?  Not wanting him next to you all the time as badly after some time is completely normal. It’s sort of just a normal progression of a long-term relationship and that happens with almost all of them. Long-distance relationships are hard though, so you may just be detaching from him now that you don’t see him as much.

I notice you said you had a bad past with an ex… is there maybe a part of you that doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship with someone who takes care of you and treats you well and that part of you craves the excitement of a bad relationship, so it wants you to self-sabotage your healthy relationship?  Doubts aren’t always something that should be followed, especially when you have so much good to say about your boyfriend, and they can be coming from a place of fear, which would be something you need to heal inside yourself to feel better and it might not have to do with your boyfriend at all.

Hi Alina!

The important thing to note here is that heart-racing/crazy feeling is not love. It’s just the excitement from the newness of the relationship as you’re learning about each other. Most people call that the “honeymoon phase.” That feeling will not last in any relationship that you have. Eventually, the newness wears off, and what you’re left with, if you’re compatible or a “match” for each other is an extreme fondness and a calming feeling. When you start feeling like the person is “home” to you and you just genuinely enjoy their company, that’s more like love than any butterflies or heart racing feeling (because heart racing and butterflies don’t last and it generally means the person makes you nervous, which naturally goes away when you get comfortable with the person).  If you never felt heart racing or butterflies with your boyfriends, it’s most definitely because you are already comfortable with him which is actually a GREAT thing and an indicator that he is a good match for you… maybe even the perfect match if he treats you the way you want to be treated, is your best friend, and you get along well!

So maybe you’re doubting your relationship because our expectations from movies and quotes can tell us that there is supposed to be butterflies and heart palpitations and if they aren’t there, that something is wrong… but that’s not the case in real life at all. It’s the ones that make you feel comfortable, like you can truly be yourself with that person without being judged and that they will always have your back… the ones that make you feel calm, and happy, and you feel that warm “I’m home” feeling around them… THAT is the real-life, best kind of love. So if you have that, hang onto it.

There’s an old quote that I love and completely agree with:

“If you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your “soulmate,” you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.”

I can tell you that a very similar thing happened with my ex and I. He sort of blindsided me with a breakup, but it was during a year of intense struggle with physical and emotional pain and stress. He’d been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety long before we ever dated and it was still a struggle for him.

The difference might be that he didn’t tell me he lost feelings for me and he’d said he still loved me deeply, but that he felt insecure when he compared himself to me (I was more financially secure, own my own home, etc., things he was struggling with)…. that he wasn’t happy and he needed to be alone to figure out how to be happy and to focus on doing whatever he could to get his life headed in the right direction… basically, he was looking for happiness outside of himself and felt the need to change everything in his life, and when people start feeling that way, the relationship is often one of the first things to go, even if it’s been a good one with a supportive partner. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.

My ex ended up dating someone else shortly after we broke up (I’m guessing being alone with his feelings wasn’t working well for him and he needed a distraction but didn’t want to come back to me because I was still part of the problems of his old life in his mind), but he still contacted me off and on throughout the first year after our breakup, really short conversations (wished me Happy Thanksgiving last year, for example), which said to me that he was still struggling with his feelings a bit because I think he started to realize that breaking up with me and pulling away from a bunch of his friends didn’t solve everything and he was still struggling. He ended up being diagnosed with a different disorder that he realized was causing some of his issues and apologized for not going to the doctor and figuring out what was wrong with him sooner. But he still continued to date the girl he was dating after me rather than coming back.

We have been broken up for a little over 2 years now, and we are still apart. I’m not sure whether he’s still with the other girl or not because I make it a point NOT to keep tabs on him. So while it’s possible (and probably likely) that your ex’s depression and anxiety are what caused her to ultimately break up with you, you can’t count on her coming back either. So I would begin the process of detaching from her and letting the relationship go, and if she does come back at some point, then get to know each other again and see how it goes, but make sure she’s worked through her issues or she will just do it again the next time she goes through a stressful situation (and adult life is FULL of those).