I have a few questions… what kind of attention is it that you want?  Check out the “love languages.” Sometimes it’s a specific thing that we want or a combination, and reading about those things can be helpful to both narrow down what you’re looking for AND you can then let your partner know what you need in a relationship and can see if he will be able to give you those things. He can also figure out what his love language is as well.

The next thing… why is he so tired? Is he working a lot or weird hours? Does he have an illness?

I think it’s fairly normal for relationships to cool off after a time when hormone levels return to normal (they’re generally higher in new relationships) and people settle into a daily routine, but it’s possible you two aren’t as romantically compatible as you initially thought OR it’s possible that he’s just really tired for a reason and it’s affecting his life in a lot of different ways. I think it’d be a good start to be direct with him about the kind of attention that you need, with him seeing if he can provide that for you. If he can’t or it’s too much for him to keep up with, that doesn’t mean there’s anything necessarily wrong with him, it just might be that he’s not your match.

I have never been married, so I cannot give advice on that front, but I CAN tell you how hard it is to find a great, stable relationship with someone whose company you enjoy. I’m 37 and conventionally attractive, and it’s rough out there, so I also feel like your fears are justified. Loyalty is a difficult thing to come by, especially. Have you considered going to couples counseling? Is there any way that you could maybe figure out what feeling or thing in your marriage is lacking for you and see if there is a way to bring that back into the marriage?  Could you just be bored with the relationship and/or your life?

There is a triangular theory of love, which says all relationships contain a mixture of passion, intimacy (friendship), and commitment. Do you feel like your relationship is lacking one of those things and is there a way for you to bring it into the relationship, especially if it was once there?

I’m just asking these questions because sometimes people think there is an outside fix (meaning separating and being with someone else) when the problem is really something that can be fixed by going within… but other times, people just aren’t compatible. From what you’ve described, you and your wife sound quite compatible, so I do think it’d be a good idea to consider trying some other things that haven’t been tried yet (like counseling or even just doing new, exciting things together, etc) before leaving, especially if your wife would be open to working on things as well.

I’m currently in therapy for childhood trauma and abandonment issues and have an estranged relationship with my drug addicted mom and I also have a distant step-mom who has always been critical of me and distant, but very loving to her biological children.

So I think all of that mixed with a dose of anxiety and depression has led to fear-based responses and being overreactive. It’s a good thing that I actually have a therapy appointment today.

This makes total sense for why you reacted the way you did (as Anita explained, that joke brought your trauma to the surface), and the fact that you recognized it and can connect the two is a positive step toward both your recovery and understanding in your relationship. When emotional reactions are out of proportion to events, the faster you are able to connect those events and the feelings they bring up with past trauma, the quicker you are able to get a handle on your emotions and where they are REALLY stemming from. That ability is SO helpful in life. Not only does it put things into perspective, it also helps to heal from the trauma itself, even if it’s just a little bit of healing at a time. I have personally found therapy to be so helpful, so I wish you luck with yours as well!

With absolutely no background whatsoever as to the context of this…. it sounds like the sender is very frustrated and feels like the recipient has been using the sender. The sender feels that they have gone out of their way to help the recipient, such as to let the recipient borrow their car and the recipient then did not replace the gas used, which put the sender out even further because they didn’t have the extra money to cover it and the sender is frustrated by this behavior.

I’m not sure how many other ways there are to interpret this?

What do you mean “available to someone else given the right circumstances?”  Can you clarify that?  Available to hang out and do things with other people as a friend or available to date?

Are you unable to go to the concert she’s going to or were you not invited?

Vent whenever you need! But what steps have you taken since you last posted to help you to not think of her so much? Taking steps towards that is the only way you’re actually going to feel better. I don’t think you really wish you could forget. I think it’s more likely you’re holding on tightly because you just want her back… but it’s not going to happen when you’re in this state of lack or feeling like she’s missing. That pushes love away.

I still think of my ex, too. He actually just crossed my mind a little bit ago… but I don’t indulge the way you do and I think you shouldn’t let yourself indulge like that anymore either. You can miss the times you had together and the things you did, and I think that’s normal, but when it crosses over to constantly thinking about the things she loves and the way she looked and just keeping your focus on that and lamenting over how much you miss her, you’re only making things worse. Actively switch your thoughts to something else when that happens, focus on something that makes you feel GOOD. Trust me on this one.

It had only been a few months, but these were very intense, I think maybe it was too much too soon for him ( even though he was the driving force)

I wasn’t expecting to move in anytime in the near future and the right here and now was fantastic, it’s hard to get my head round it’s over on the ifs and maybes of the future ?

Yeah, it’s possible it was too intense for him or he may have realized that he didn’t really see it going anywhere, even with its intensity, or he may have gotten cold feet once you got into the serious discussions and he started thinking about life changes. It’s really hard to say.

The thing here is… no matter what, none of us know what anyone is going to do in the future. This may be it and you guys may be done or it’s possible he may decide he jumped the gun out of fear and ended things too soon. There’s really no way to know that, so to save yourself some stress, just do your best to not think about the what ifs (and I know that’s hard). I think the best way to do that is to practice mindfulness. When your mind drifts to the future and starts creating all sorts of scenarios that may or may not ever happen, shift your focus back to what is going on around you.

A couple other important questions, though….. how long had it been since his previous breakup (how long had he been single in between) and how many months did you date?

In addition to the questions asked by the other members… how long where you two broken up and how much time has passed since you last talked?