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Dear mute,
It sounds like a mid-life crisis â you losing your passion and feeling you lost creativity too, and even questioning your past accomplishments (whether your art was âtrashâ). It sounds like an identity crisis too â youâre not sure any more who you are, what you love, what you stand for. As the others have said, the inner critic is getting the best of you, and I think it’s because that what you used to identify with – a creative musician and artist – seems to be gone, at least for the moment.
I would ask if there was a specific event or a new situation in your life that caused you to start questioning yourself? Or the inspiration has dried out gradually? What happened?
During your peak time as a musician, did you feel youâre at your right place, that this is what gives you fulfillment, or you had some doubts back then too?
I believe that if you can figure out what exactly happened and what lead to your loss of passion, it will be easier to find your way backâŚ
February 20, 2021 at 12:33 am in reply to: I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess. #374972TeeParticipantDear myoid,
Iâve just recently joined the forum and anita made me aware of this thread, so Iâve read through most of the conversation, including the excellent remarks made by anita.
It does appear your core wound is that of emotional abandonment, of not receiving enough love and care as a child. What is important to understand here is that the child always blames itself for not having its need met â it never blames the parents.
You too are blaming yourself, you said âI wish I couldâve make their lives betterâ. You also said you donât think youâre worthy of e.g. enjoying a nice holiday with your family. This is a typical reaction of a wounded child, who believes that if only she would change, the parents would finally give her love and attention. Probably a part of you believes youâre undeserving of love, because again, you blame yourself for not having your emotional needs met.I would like to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you and itâs not your fault that you werenât taken care of properly. Also, you need to understand that your needs were justified â we all need care, attention and affection to develop properly. Without it, we suffer and wither, like flowers without sunshine and water. A part of your healing is in understanding that you did need love and affection, that it was justified, and that you didnât expect anything out of the ordinary.
Regarding your boyfriend, you say he was like a caregiver to you and is capable of loving people (when heâs mentally stable). You said âHe cares for the people for who they are, such a loving person.â From your words it seems that he was willing to listen to you, and this means a lot to you, because having someone to simply listen to us and witness, without judgment, is huge. Itâs one of our core emotional needs. And probably this is what you were missing from your parents. You said your mother didnât really care about your problems, she minimized them. She wasnât seeing you for who you really are. Your boyfriend filled that gap. At least this is my understanding of your interaction.
But as youâve described, he can provide support to you very rarely, due to his mental instability. So heâs there but not really there. As anita said, it seems like a re-creation of your childhood wound, with the difference that at least heâs there for you sometimes. But many times his behavior hurts you pretty badly, e.g. you never know what heâll do next, if heâll cheat on you, or act out in other ways.
You may justify it that itâs not his fault and that he doesnât mean harm, but even so, in his current condition he isnât capable of truly loving you. There might be some elements of love, like him being honest about the urge to cheat, or having the decency to move out after heâs cheated on you. But the bottom line is that he cannot stop himself from acting in hurtful ways. Even if heâs aware that heâs hurting you. His mental illness is stronger.
And itâs not your fault that heâs acting like that â itâs his mental illness. So donât make the mistake of blaming yourself. Itâs not your fault and you cannot really help him. He would need professional help.
What you would need is to get in touch and embrace your wounded inner child â that little girl that never got the love and attention she deserved â and be a good parent to her now. As you would water and care for a beautiful, fragile flower, or as if you would care for a precious puppy, you now need to care for your inner child. You can have a doll or a similar fluffy toy as a representative of your inner child, and you talk to it, you put it in your arms, hold it in your lap, you protect it and care for it. Whenever you feel afraid and anxious, you talk to your inner child and console her. You give her the care and attention you havenât received as a child.
But itâs important to even acknowledge that your little girl exists within you, that she has legitimate needs for love and affection, and that itâs not her fault that she didnât get those needs met. Now itâs time to compensate and give her the love and care she never properly received. You can do it alone or with the help of a professional, but thatâs the path to healing, I believe.
TeeParticipantDear trustagain,
I think that both what anita and GL said are valid points, because we naturally crave attachment and hurt when we lose that bond, but as GL noted, it seems thereâs something more there.
You said you knew your relationship was toxic, you werenât treating each other nicely, but you couldnât accept the breakup, you were begging your ex to come back to you. And it happened in your 2 previous relationships too. What comes to me is that you might be driven by a subconscious belief that any relationship is better than no relationship. Because you were willing to stay in a toxic relationship, even if it hurt. But the lack of relationship hurts even more, it seems. Does this ring true to you?
TeeParticipantDear Bob256,
It seems last yearâs been a big journey of growth and self-awareness for you, and youâre seeing things much more clearly than before. It does seem like your mother and grandmother donât have a good effect on you, since they probably have expectations from you and canât accept you as an independent person with your own goals and dreams. Your father on the other hand seems to support you in going after your dreams and is willing to help you pay for the college. Thatâs excellent!
I agree with anita â if your mother and grandmother arenât open to repairing the relationship, and are only willing to accept you on their own terms, itâs better to stay away. I understand it hurts to keep a distance, because you love them both, but if you cannot be yourself around them and they donât respect your choices, you have to protect yourself. Because as you said, being around them affects your mental health.
Perhaps you need to grieve the loss of the close relationship from your early childhood, grieve all the pleasant moments you had with your mom and granny. And then let go, because now, this closeness isnât possible any more, because they donât accept you for who you are. You can still love them and have gentle feelings for them, but at the same time, keep your boundaries and donât allow them to disrespect you. So you keep an open heart, but youâre also prepared to protect yourself from harm.
Itâs good that youâre going away to college because that will make it easier for you to stay physically separated, and yet in touch with them from time to time, if you choose so.
Good luck and stay strong!
TeeParticipantAbsolutely, dear anita. I am glad I could help.
TeeParticipantDear Felis,
I am sorry you have to go through this. Iâve been in a similar situation quite a few years ago, and itâs really exhausting and frustrating, especially the inability to let go. From your description, it seems like you were the anxious party in the relationship, needing as much as his presence as possible and sort of clinging on to him, while he was more of the avoidant type, needing space and time away from you.
Itâs a frequent match â anxious and avoidant type getting together, but also often breaking up, because the ambivalent party starts feeling suffocated in the relationship, and the anxious party feels neglected and unloved.
I donât know if youâre familiar with the attachment theory, which talks about different attachment i.e. bonding styles between the parent and the child, which then affect our adult relationships as well. If we had secure attachment with our parents, we wonât be that clingy and needy, and will be able to give the other person room to breathe, so to speak, and allow them to have their own interests and hobbies, which might not always involve us.
If we didnât have secure attachment, there are two scenarios: 1) we will either become very clingy and anxious, constantly fearing that weâll be left alone, or 2) we become afraid of intimacy and closeness, and want to be left alone, especially when the other party is clingy and insisting on intimacy. The first is the so-called anxious attachment style, which would be yours, and the second is the avoidant attachment style, which seems to be your ex boyfriendâs style.
I too was the anxious party and literally thought I would die when my boyfriend threatened to leave me. I felt like I was falling into the ground and disappearing. I thought I wonât be able to survive without himâŚ
Fortunately, I could work through my fear in therapy, and realized that when I am obsessing about him, itâs the small child inside of me scared of being abandoned. I realized I wonât die without him, and it made things easier. From then on, I wasnât clinging on to him so much, wasnât controlling his every step, I could allow him room to breathe. And the result was that he didnât feel threatened any more and spontaneously got closer to me. As I stopped clinging on to him, he stopped resisting and running away. Now weâre married đ
I hope this helps. Good luck to you!
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