October 22, 2020 at 7:48 am #368088
I’ve tried to express myself here during some of the most desperate moments. But now I’ll mention a feeling I’ve been observing for a while. I’ve started to realize a sense, a longing I may say. I thought that was the feeling of loneliness, yearning for a sincere love or affection. But I feel like that pure sense was only possible during my childhood and I’ve experienced it once or twice, maybe. And I feel I’m missing my childhood more than ever, that’s weird but I do. I find myself thinking about those times, trying to feel like I’m in those times. Trying to create similar atmospheres in my room, or watching/listening to the same stuff I did then.
This seemed like a harmless habit of mine in the last couple of years. All in all, I was always like this. I even feel weird about someone else’s nostalgia, I sometimes even get emotional on other’s old posts on the internet. I guess I relate to the feelings. But as days go by, these feelings get stronger and stronger and I started to believe this thought of mine. The thought is, I feel like I would never be as happy as those moments, it will only get worse and maybe someday I’ll feel okay. But not in a pure way, or even close to a pure way. I simply feel exploited, exhausted. I feel like our personal lives progress like the entropy in universe. It only gets more scattered. Therefore, I wanted to express my feelings here. I have no idea what would make me happy, I’m just programmed in a way to seek success and since I don’t know how to seek it, and where to seek it; I’m stuck in between projects or stuff like that and I cannot ever feel satisfied with what I did. So don’t know where I’ll go, don’t know where I’m standing. I only know where I was and that was a bit more secure I guess. Even though it was not secure at all.October 22, 2020 at 9:25 am #368096Canadian EagleParticipant
You are not along being trapped in nostalgia. It is clear you had a good childhood and now compare your life with good memories from the past. We are all products of our experiences , so all people are nostalgic to different degrees. Overall, I see nothing wrong with creating experiences that made you happy.
Actually, there is no such thing as success, so long as the projects you do satisfy your curiosity good things usually fall into place.
I had a post here explaining the root of my deep nostalgia , a regular contributor called me a liar and ridiculed me, a total character assassination, so I deleted my post and find it hard to now trust people on this site …. but I am trying to over come this .
You write that you felt exploited, why do you feel exploited ?
TonyOctober 22, 2020 at 3:20 pm #368123
I am looking forward to read and reply to you when I am back to your thread, in about 18 hours from now.
anitaOctober 23, 2020 at 8:43 am #368140
I will be retyping some of what you shared because retyping a member’s story helps me connect with the emotions behind the words and understand the content better:
“I’ve started to realize a sense, a longing.. yearning for a sincere love or affection. But I feel like that pure sense was only possible during my childhood and I’ve experienced it once or twice, maybe. And I feel I’m missing my childhood more than ever… trying to feel like I’m in those times. Trying to create similar atmosphere in my room….I feel like I would never be as happy as those moments, it will only get worse and maybe someday I’ll feel okay. But not in a pure way, or even close to a pure way. I simply feel exploited, exhausted.. more scattered.. don’t know where I’ll go, don’t know where I’m standing. I only know where I was and that was a bit more secure I guess. Even though it was not secure at all”.
Here is a bit of a view of where you were: “I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears… emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times. I was left to live with one parent and then left with another when they’ve got divorced. I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone so I have always kept my feelings to myself” (June 2019).
My thoughts: a young child believes in magic, in a life and a world where everything is possible, and nothing is impossible. When there is hardly any love for the child, she believes that there will be.. if only she tries hard enough, and so she tries and waits and waits. As she waits, alone in her room, she makes believe it has already happened, or just about to happen, that she is loved, or just about to.
This kind of magical imagining and daydreaming is what I call childhood-euphoria: the grass looks greener, the sky looks brighter, the sun is inviting, the flowers are magnificent, there is so much promise in the air, promise of happiness, adventure, magnificent success in every way.. and eternal love. This euphoric state of mind helps the suffering child to survive difficult times. Every once in a while, that euphoria gives the child a break from her bleak real- life circumstances.
As adults, we look back at that childhood euphoria and we miss it, we miss that euphoric feeling, especially if we had difficult childhoods and difficult adulthoods that follow.
Do you relate to what I wrote here?
anitaOctober 24, 2020 at 1:42 pm #368199
I can totally relate to childhood-euphoria. Even though I was depressed, I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, study, and get better. Because I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then I’ll get to know new people and everything will be fine. Some people would like me, I’ll find someone to be companions with each other and I’ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growing.
Dear Canadian Eagle,
I’m sorry you’ve experienced such a thing. I cannot imagine why would one say that. Since you’ve concluded that I’ve had a happy childhood, I want to clarify that. I didn’t experience a happy one, there were rare moments like the ones I’ve mention that I can call peaceful and happy. But other than that, my childhood was 90% depressed. As for the use of ‘exploited’, I tried to mean that I feel used. This can be because of my unrealistic expectations. I don’t know. But the unrealistic expectations I’m talking about are not much actually, just specific. As I mentioned above, I thought I would be loved someday. This is a vague dream, I was liked, I have had a few boyfriends after those years. But since I was so vulnerable to be manipulated, they kinda did everything they wanted and let me go when they got bored. And during the process, I just thought I was being loved. These also make me feel ‘exploited’ as well. I feel really old, but I’m 22. I cannot dream properly, I cannot make plans. I’m terrified of getting things to myself, buying things, doing nice things, or even just being there. So being content has left the building years ago.
I also want to add something. Half an hour ago, I saw a former friend of mine sharing a photo on the sea-side, getting sunbathed. The photo was so sincere, nothing like a pose or something. I’ve liked it apparently and I was left with this comparison:
She can enjoy things. Other than all the other aspects (like her being able to work remotely, for an acquaintance’s company while I’ve been looking for and being rejected for the companies I want and also her being able to do lots of stuff I cannot do just out of nepotism) she can actually enjoy just being present. I didn’t even plan a one-day holiday for myself since I’ve graduated. Because I didn’t want it, I didn’t want to stand still. I did want to find something, accomplish more and more. Then it occured to me, she was brought up to be this way. She was able to go to a nice place for holiday every summer with her loving family. That’s something I cannot even imagine for myself, I don’t ever think I’m worthy of stuff like that. There are lots of subjects I have to persuade my mind otherwise.
October 24, 2020 at 10:14 pm #368212
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by miyoid.
I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer, in about 9 hour from now.
anitaOctober 25, 2020 at 4:00 am #368216Canadian EagleParticipant
Reading your post I am impressed with quality of your writing, the depth of your feeling , your passion and the colourful interpretation you captured from one simple photo is truly amazing. The pain and pattern of your thought process is so profoundly expressive. I read a book recently by Emily Ruskovich called Idaho, your quality of anguished writing is similar . A terrible beauty fighting to be find meaning, to be understood and ultimately to be loved.
I am dyslexic, I write and cry later when I see my stupid spelling and grammar mistakes, I am always so impressed by people with your talent. Success is a fight to over come your weakness and fears, some say you spend your adult life trying to understand your childhood. I succeeded in areas I though I was weak, I tried so hard not been seen as stupid I succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. In school teachers would rank us 1 to 48, yes we had 48 pupils in our class room, I was always in the mid 40’s, a few from the bottom. I hated it , this experience added rocket fuel to my drive, my relentless competitive drive … it’s only in recent years I have begun to realise that I have arrived.
You could write a book based on that simple photo posted by the sea side , I suggest you use you deep personal search for meaning to write.
TonyOctober 25, 2020 at 8:06 am #368219
I will post to you twice, this morning. First post will be a collection of quotes from what you shared June 7, 2019- Oct 24, 2020 (what is in parentheses are my words, aimed to clarify pronouns, mostly). In the second post I will re-arrange these quotes, not in order of the time they were posted, adding my own words, so to tell your story as I understand it best.
June 2019: “I pick whomever that I can get affection from. I crave the affection, not the person. Because of that, I’ve started to question if I ever like anybody?… my anxiety appears when I don’t get that affection. I always worry about losing that affection I guess, or that person… I haven’t got a clue about what I want in life and in a person/relationship and that is exhausting because of my fears about the future…I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears… emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times. I was left to live with one parent and then left with another when they’ve got divorced. I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone so I have always kept my feelings to myself… I always felt that something was missing. Sometimes with anxiety attacks, sometimes not so severe. Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns. I simply didn’t want to continue my life in those moments, like I don’t right now. But the only moments I felt joy, peace, and happiness were the moments that I was with them… I am a person who has many hobbies, interests in life. I am simply a jack of all trades, master of none… I have been distracting myself from this problem my whole life. I have to be in a place where even when I have nothing to do, I can feel content by myself. That is the problem…. I have never shown them (parents) the hurt version of me, they think that I’m a healthy, strong person… I don’t want to give them another subject to be sorry about, I want to solve my problem on my own or with other people… I have a tendency to try to solve it with a partner”.
September 2019: “I have to be able to create that affection by myself and not need it from anyone else”.
July 2020: “Almost a year ago… I was depressed more than ever, I was alone and hopeless. Now, one thing have changed. I (22) have a boyfriend (22) , but then again, I’m depressed more than ever and I’m hopeless. To sum it up even more, I’ve had a depressed childhood as well. I was rarely happy and I didn’t know why. I used to get sad about stuff, thinking that when those stuff changed I will get better. I thought I was never ‘loved’ and when I finally get the love I need, I’ll get better. Because of this mindset, my first two long-term (1,5 years each) relationships were totally illusions. They both kind-of used me and I thought that I was ‘loved’ in some sense… They (parents) have tried so much to do the right thing but this was the best they could. Therefore, I cannot rationalize having anger towards them and I don’t feel any. Actually I feel sorry for them, I feel compassion and mercy. I wish I could’ve make their lives better, that’s the feeling I have… At least I wasn’t hated in my childhood, I was just neglected a lot”.
September 2020: “we went to my hometown for 4 days for dental treatment and we stayed at mom’s house together. During those 4 days.. I was again depressed because of my memories with family and hometown.. The day we’ve got back to our shared-house, I got better a little bit”.
October 2020: “I have no idea what would make me happy, I’m just programmed in a way to seek success and since I don’t know how to seek it, and where to seek it; I’m stuck in between projects or stuff like that and I cannot ever feel satisfied with what I did. So don’t know where I’ll go, don’t know where I’m standing…Even though I was depressed (as a child), I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, study, and get better. Because I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then I’ll get to know new people and everything will be fine. Some people would like me, I’ll find someone to be companions with each other and I’ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growing…I didn’t experience a happy (childhood), there were rare moments like the ones I’ve mention that I can call peaceful and happy. But other than that, my childhood was 90% depressed.. I cannot dream properly, I cannot make plans. I’m terrified of getting things to myself, buying things, doing nice things, or even just being there. So being content has left the building years ago…she (a former friend) was brought up to be this way. She was able to go to a nice place for holiday every summer with her loving family. That’s something I cannot even imagine for myself, I don’t ever think I’m worthy of stuff like that”.
anitaOctober 25, 2020 at 9:28 am #368222
* The parentheses in the quotes that follow are my inserts where I correct pronouns from I/ myself to she/herself, and adjust verbs to the present tense.
What happens to a child who “wasn’t hated.. just neglected a lot”/ What happens to a child who was “emotionally and physically abandoned by both.. parents several times”, a child who “simply didn’t receive any love” from her father, and the love from her mother was “unpredictable, exists and then disappears”?
She craves affection but she is not “able to create that affection by (herself), and not need it from anyone else”- no child is able to do that, and all children need that affection from someone else.
She needs that affection from someone else, and she will take it from anyone who will offer it. She will take anything that feels like affection. She will “pick whomever that (she) can get affection from. (She) crave(s) the affection, not the person”.
She waits in her room, or in the apartment of her mother, or father, “alone and hopeless… depressed… hopeless.. sad… rarely happy”, anxiously waiting for any one of her parents to return and attend to her. When a parent appears, she is joyful and hopeful. When the parent shows her some affection, she experiences “the only moments (of) joy, peace and happiness.. with them”.
But too quickly, she “worr(ies) about losing that affection.. that person”. She was left before, she fears she will be left again, and indeed, she is left again, and again.
Waiting, she is hoping that “stuff change”, that soon she will “finally get the love (she) need(s)”.Waiting, no one is there to notice her “anxiety attacks, sometimes not so severe… suffering, mental breakdowns”. Not noticed for too long, she finally gives up on being seen and heard, and she keeps “(her) feelings to (herself)”,”distracting (herself) best she can, “a jack of all trades, master of none.. distracting”.
She sees her parents in pain, and her empathy is with her parents. She “feel(s) sorry for them, (she) feels compassion and mercy. (She) wish(es) (she) could’ve make their lives better”. She doesn’t want to add to their pain, so she hides her own pain from them, “never (shows) them the hurt version of (herself)… don’t want to give them another subject to be sorry about”. She (doesn’t) ever think (she’s) worthy of stuff like that”, like consistent, dependable affection.
She wants “to solve (her) problem on (her) own”, and she dreams of “solv(ing) it with a partner”, a love partner, a partner who will love her.
She dreams of when she will be loved, she imagines that one day, she’ll “get to know new people and everything will be fine. Some people would like (her), she’ll find someone to be companions.. and (she’ll) be safe, eventually”. These imaginings, this hope motivates her “to hold on, study”…
Studying hard, trying hard, she accomplishes things but none of those things are the affection she desperately craves, and the safety she craves, within that affection, and so, she “always (feels) that something (is) missing, and “that mental abyss (keeps) growing”.
Waiting, distracting and achieving, she never gets the affection and safety she desperately needs, she is never able to relax long enough so to experience life as an adventure; she doesn’t get the opportunity to learn about herself, about what she needs. She has no “clue about what (she) wants in life and in a person/ relationship”, she has “no idea what would make (her) happy”, other than the affection and safety she has desperately needed all along.
Waiting, she is frozen in time, frozen in the craving for affection. She is “stuck… (never) satisfied with what (she does).. don’t know where (she’ll) go, don’t know where (she’s) standing”. She “cannot dream… cannot make plans… terrified of getting things to (herself).. or even just being there”. She is afraid to always be there waiting for that affection, her life on hold until that time comes.
anitaOctober 27, 2020 at 7:28 pm #368316
Firstly, I want to thank you for attaching your name to what you’ve written. I don’t know if it’s real but you mentioned some trust issues because of an old post of yours and I really appreciate the fact that you trust us here enough to add your name. I was surprised because of your reply actually, thank you for the kind words. My mother tongue is not English, therefore I’ve learned it mostly in my university years through articles and so on. That might be influencing my vocabulary use from urban to maybe a bit more scholar. I’m not sure. I didn’t think that the way I’m seeing the photograph would make sense in a good way. I only saw it as a pathetic side of mine. Your book suggestion is noted as well, thank you for that too. It’s hard to feel you’ve arrived I guess. I don’t know when I will be reaching that point. I’ll try to write even more since you’ve mentioned it. Thank you.
I’m very much affected by your reply. Your narration of it makes it clear and also exhausting. Seeing this makes me think, I have to pause but then again I’m a jealous person when it comes to achievements. I guess I’ll try to see that friend I’ve mentioned. Even though all the things she’ll talk about would hurt me, maybe I’ll come clean about my feelings in a natural way. Maybe I’ll mention how it hurts me to see everyone else continuing with their lives in a way I’m not feeling capable of. I don’t know if talking or even meeting with her is the right choice but I get toxic easily now as well.October 28, 2020 at 7:55 am #368333
“I saw a former friend of mine sharing a photo on the sea-side, getting sunbathed. The photo was so sincere, nothing like a pose or something”- photos capture people’s lives during a split of a second. Her sincere expression in the photo lasted more than the split second though, it probably lasted for a minute, or a few minutes. When we look at a photo, the image can stay in our brains for hours, days and even decades, but for the person photographed, the moment captured.. was only a moment, long gone.
“She can enjoy things… she can actually enjoy just being present… she was brought up to be this way, she was able to go to a nice place for holiday every summer with her loving family”- this reminds me of a person I communicated with at great lengths, for years. From her photos with her rich family and friends, doing their expensive outings and travels around the world, you’d think that she was able to enjoy herself. At times she did enjoy herself, but those times were short lived and rare. Most often and every day, she is a very anxious person, not able to live in the present- her mind rushing, tortured.
Looking at her photos, even seeing them all in real-life, you wouldn’t know her mental torture, discontent and misery. There is a difference between Appearances and Reality- what appears is far from being necessarily so.
“(she is)., able to work remotely.. while I’ve been looking for and being rejected for the companies I want and also her being able to do lots of stuff I cannot do just out of nepotism… I didn’t even plan a one-day holiday for myself.. I didn’t want it, I didn’t want to stand still. I did want to find something, accomplish more and more… That’s something I cannot even imagine for myself, I don’t ever think I’m worthy of stuff like that… I am a jealous person when it comes to achievements”-
– I will not argue with nepotism, of course, it is Reality, as are inequalities and injustices of all kinds.
I think that the reason that you can’t or will not stand still, that you have “to find something, accomplish more and more” is because you have nothing to depend on (“I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone”. June 2019).
Without anyone to depend on, to hold on to, if you stand still- you will fall, or so it feels, doesn’t it? I think that the reason you chase accomplishments and relationships is so to depend on something/ to hold on to something/ to not fall into what you referred to previously as a “mental abyss”
“Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns“- the italicized is what I refer to as falling, falling into that mental abyss. Standing still while not in a relationship, and/ or not achieving… means to fall. Or so it feels.
“I have to be in a place where even when I have nothing to do, I can feel content by myself”- you will be able to feel content by yourself, standing still, when you learn that you will not fall if you stand still, that.. you did not actually fall before- it only felt that way: the mental abyss was not a physical abyss.
In your most recent post you wrote: “I guess I’ll try to see that friend I’ve mentioned. Even though all the things she’ll talk about would hurt me.. maybe I’ll come clean about my feelings… I don’t know if talking or even meeting with her is the right choice”- seems to me that talking with her is the wrong choice because (a) it will hurt you to listen to her talk about her fortune, I imagine, honestly or not (b) you referred to her earlier as a former friend, and you didn’t mention the two of you had a meaningful friendship, so I imagine there is no meaningful friendship to resurrect (c) you don’t owe her or anyone to “come clean” about your feelings. Your feelings are not bad, need not be confessed, not a crime.. your feelings are your business, not hers.
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by anita.