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TeeParticipant
Dear Neverdyed,
Iâve re-read your earlier posts, and I see a lot of ambivalence on your part in your relationship with him, especially in the beginning. For example, the fact that you didnât even like him very much at the beginning. You were surprised when he contacted you after youâd returned to your country (âWhen I returned to my country in 2018, I didnât expect him to stay in touch, but he did and rather frequently, thatâs why I got used to the patternâ).
You said in one of the posts last June that you donât even want a relationship with him and would leave him when someone better comes along:
âIn fact, I donât really want to be in a relationship with him, just my obsession of letting people go makes me so. And Iâve always been aware that once thereâs someone âbetterâ here, Iâd leave, yet the problem is thereâs none and Iâm not going to chase.â
You also said that he behaved more maturely than you (âThe man acted maturer than me most of the time.â) and that after youâve returned to your country in 2018, it was you who might have made your communication more difficult, by interpreting his messages negatively, after which he might have ran out of patience:
âItâs true that Iâd kept many things to myself when he and I were able to meet in person. And itâs awkward for me to express at times. Then I returned to my country, the main communication was via messages, I already tend to over analyse, without seeing the otherâs facial expressions, I interpreted messages negatively often. I know it can be tiring for him to deal with me from time to time, yet itâs definitely worse for me. I decided to open up a little (the core one was my fear of peopleâd disappear, as itâs happened several times) after sensing some changes in the relationship and reading psychological stuff. Maybe he was encouraging in the beginning, then he either ran out of patience or simply shifted his attention.â
Since you were quite ambivalent about him in the beginning, and got very attached as the time went by, I can imagine that your initial lack of interest and a sort of indifference was a protective mechanism. You thought that nothing would come out of the relationship anyway, so why get too excited. Perhaps you referred to this state of indifference as âashesâ, which he then ignited each time he contacted you.
As the time went by, I am guessing you were less and less indifferent, started to get attached to him, but because of your protective mechanism, you didnât show it very much. He was initiating contact, you were responding, but you were careful not to start a chat when itâs not âyour turnâ, because what if he doesnât want to hear from you. You also didnât inquire much about his life or his family, because you thought it would be intrusive. You were protecting yourself from rejection and humiliation, you didnât want to let on that you care about him.
So you were getting more and more attached, perhaps you even started believing that this could turn into a serious relationship, but you didnât express it to him, you didnât show too much enthusiasm to him. What you did show was a certain ânegativityâ (when you misinterpreted his messages), maybe accusing him of things, which he didnât like because it was supposed to be a light, casual relationship, in which people donât demand things from each other.
I can even imagine that his initial enthusiasm and âaffectionâ was because you said you werenât interested in a committed relationship, and he felt safe. When you started expressing some âheavinessâ, perhaps some passive aggressiveness and veiled accusations (I donât know, just guessing here), he didnât like it and started withdrawing.
For him, with his avoidant attachment style, any kind of demand for regular contact, exclusivity and commitment would feel like a threat. So as you were getting ready to put down your guard at least a little and peek out of your shell (while still being careful not to show your affection too much), he was already withdrawing because he sensed you wanted more than he was willing to give.
During this whole process you’ve realized that a casual relationship isn’t what you actually want. You want a real, committed, exclusive relationship. It’s something he most probably isn’t willing to give you. He realizes he makes you sad, but doesn’t feel responsible for your sadness, since he never promised you anything more than fun. But you are hurting because although in the beginning you thought you donât care, you ended up caring quite a bit.
Please correct me if I made wrong assumptions and if your relationship wasnât like that. If you feel itâs mostly true, I am sorry it happened like that. It was painful but you don’t need to repeat it, if you understand how and why it happened, and how your own attitude might have contributed to it.
March 3, 2021 at 9:19 am in reply to: How do you handle a relationship where there are no way to be together freely? #375490TeeParticipantDear Eva,
“But he kept saying that our situation is difficult and it canât be public. Iâm furious honestly⌠Because he told me such stuff, romantic, believing him that we will find a way, and he just finished it.”
It’s totally understandable that you’re upset. His habit of dating in secret isn’t normal and I guess he is manipulating you by saying that he’s worried about moral implications, when in reality, there’s nothing immoral about you two being together – except his own lies, because it would turn out that he’s dated other girls from your circle in secret. As Anita said, it’s not just immoral towards you and his ex (and possibly other girls), but towards other members of the group as well.
I don’t know what motivates him to do that, there must be something in his psychology that drives him, but it’s not necessarily your task to find out why and help him change. I wouldn’t even stay friends with him, because of his manipulative nature.
“I donât know how to behave with his ex who is my friend now and she is constantly in contact with me.”
Actually, Anita might be right, probably you should just tell her (or tell someone else in your friends group, whom you trust). There’s no point in playing along in his scam and allowing him to fool everybody.
Itâs just feels painful because it seems like he choose her over meâŚ
No, I don’t think he chose her over you – he fooled her too. So I think it’s best to say goodbye to him, because with his current mindset, he’ll just cause you more pain.
March 3, 2021 at 5:31 am in reply to: How do you handle a relationship where there are no way to be together freely? #375484TeeParticipantDear Eva,
so he was secretly dating his ex, but not while the two of you were together, but before that? (I misunderstood earlier that he was meeting with his ex while the two of you were dating).
Well, it’s curious they would keep it a secret. Because I guess at that time he didn’t have any “moral” reasons to keep it a secret. Maybe she did?
In any case, you were put in a situation where you needed to hide your love for him, not to hurt someone else’s feelings. You said you both agreed to it (“we couldnât find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship“), but how did you feel about that?
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
March 3, 2021 at 4:22 am in reply to: How do you handle a relationship where there are no way to be together freely? #375481TeeParticipantDear Eva,
Iâll start with your last question:
âIs there really not a way for us to be together? itâs not that hard isnât it?â
Under normal circumstances it wouldnât be such a complicated situation. If the two of you really cared about each other, and youâve clicked perfectly, as you say, having exes in your social circle wouldnât be such an insurmountable problem. It might be uncomfortable at first, but with time those exes (and your other friends) would get used to the idea that the two of you are together, and if they donât, you could always stop hanging out with them, Iâd imagine.
However, your boyfriend is making it complicated, and there might be more reasons. One is that he probably still has feelings for his ex. He denied it, saying they were just friends, but if he was secretly seeing her while the two of you were dating, if he now isnât sure that he doesnât want to get back to her, and heâs making fun of you in front of her – well, all those are signs that he still has feelings for her. Regardless of how much the two of you clicked.
The other reason, which he gives, is that he feels awkward about having exes in your friends circle, not just his ex, but apparently your ex too (although he sees him only three times a year). He says itâs ânot moralâ. Considering that he still has feelings for his ex, heâs probably more concerned about his ex and that itâs not âmoralâ towards her, rather than your ex. Although he might feel guilty for having âbetrayedâ his friend, since they were best friends before. So that may play into his feeling of âbeing immoralâ.
You said:
âBut, we sat down one day and talked about all the chances how we can be together or how is it possible. Sadly, we couldnât find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship because one of the mutual friends from the group of friends from my previous ex was his ex. â
That was before it turned out he still might have feelings for his ex girlfriend. Were you okay hanging around with her, or it bothered you already then? Or it was mostly him who said it would be impossible to behave freely with you when sheâs around?
Did you then keep your relationship secret for those 6 months, or how did it play out?
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
TeeParticipantDear Neverdyed,
âThanks for clarifying, but did you feel that now Iâm rather willing to demand anything from him??â
No, I donât think youâd demand anything from him anymore, since from what youâve expressed, it seems youâve realized you donât want to continue in an open, not committed, on/off relationship.
I just thought that him suggesting other lovers happened later chronologically than you protesting against on-off contacts. But as you say now, it happened earlier.
I checked your earlier posts again, to put together a more coherent picture, since it’s a little hard to follow the timeline. One thing stood out, which I havenât noticed earlier:
âDuring the time when we were together, there were deep conversations and I could talk better, and heâs the one who showed more affections. He started to get distant after the reunion (which was fine still).â
What do you think happened at the reunion which made him distance himself from you? When you say âwhich was fine stillâ, does it mean it didnât bother you so much back then that he got distant?
TeeParticipantDear Nar,
Iâve checked your older posts again, trying to get a clearer picture of what happened. You said:
âThe issue is my OCD actually started developing strongly after 25â.
What happened at that time? You said you moved to the UK when you were 17, which was a shock for you, but you havenât started developing OCD so strongly until you were about 25. So I was wondering if something happened that triggered those more frequent episodes?
You’ve also spoken about how you tend to get angry, and then you blame yourself for getting angry. You feel guilt and sorrow, and youâre judging yourself:
âMy pattern is this- I get angry, then I beat myself up for getting angry, I feel sadness and disappointment. Then I blame myself. I always blame myself for everything bad happening. ⌠But I blame myself, beat myself up for what I did or didnât do. Maybe I even think I deserved it. Remuneration, sorrow, guilt. I am very harsh with myself.â
âI know for a fact many times I am consciously not aware at the point when I use hurtful language towards my partner or my family.â
From the above I figure you get angry at your family or your partner, and then you blame yourself because you arenât supposed to get angry, i.e. itâs not very mature or enlightened to get angry? So thereâs an impulse that comes â something provokes you and you get angry, and you tend to lose your temper and say nasty things in the heat of an argument. Afterwards you regret it and start blaming yourself, and canât stop thinking about it, thinking it was your fault. You start obsessively thinking about it and blaming yourself in the process. Is this whatâs going on?
Regarding your question about whether I believe I am healed, yes, I believe I’ve managed to heal my biggest traumas: I’ve developed self-esteem and a sense of self-worth, I don’t feel helpless any more, I don’t feel I wouldn’t be able to survive without another person loving me and taking care of me. It was a long process of going to therapy, working on myself, learning about the human psyche, learning from my own mistakes, and most importantly, healing my inner child. It’s been years of work, and it’s still not over, because there are layers, one can always go deeper. But yes, I can say I’ve managed to remove the biggest blocks to my happiness.
March 1, 2021 at 11:42 pm in reply to: I thought I knew what I wanted to do but now I am unsure #375450TeeParticipantDear miaim,
is there a particular reason you’ve started questioning your choice of art as a career path? You said you’ve never questioned it much before, you simply knew it was a good choice for you and you went with the flow. But now, during the pandemic, I suppose you had more time on your hands and you started thinking about it more? What do you think is making you doubt yourself at this point?
March 1, 2021 at 8:54 am in reply to: I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess. #375395TeeParticipantDear miyoid,
I too was ambivalent about the higher power because I had lots or preconceptions about God, e.g. I thought God was an old man with a beard who is judging me, punishing me and wants to deprive me of pleasure and joy in life. Later I realized this “God” of mine resembled my mother a little, not physically, but psychologically đ
I was always interested in spirituality, so when I found a description of God that felt more loving and accepting, I adopted that and it worked for me. It helped me open my heart and feel the love flow through me. That helped a great deal with my feeling of being unloved and depending on others to love and care for me.
But you don’t have to choose that route for yourself, if you don’t inclined to. You can start by buying a puppy, if you love animals, or a flower that you can care for. Taking care of an animal can help you open your heart and experience that you too are capable of giving love. That there is love in your life, within you, even without someone else giving it to you.
You seem to be quite independent job-wise, since you said you started working at the age of 15 (how did that come about? was it a necessity or your own choice?). This shows that you have the capacity to take care of yourself, at least financially. Now you would need to expand that to caring about yourself emotionally too.
Do you have a role model of a very loving and caring person, be it in your own family, or just someone you know? You can have a meditation imagining them giving you love and affection, and see how it affects you. The point is to feel and anchor the love within you, so that you don’t feel dependent on others to “fill” you.
March 1, 2021 at 1:37 am in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #375390TeeParticipantDear Ryan,
I am sorry that things with your coworker didnât work out. You did give your best and was very supportive for her, you cooked meals for her and held her in her arms without pushing for anything more. She could feel safe and cared for with you. However, she wasnât ready for that, and it is, at least partially, because sheâs battling her own demons and trying to numb her pain with drugs and alcohol. You saw this very well:
âIâd get bits and pieces of the stressors and traumas that were her life when she was younger, but she always keeps those walls up or uses alcohol to lean on.â
Although your meetings with her were often light and carefree, as you say, sheâs carrying a lot of pain inside, which sheâs trying to numb with those addictions. She is working with a counselor, so she might be free some day, but not just yet. Perhaps thatâs one of the reasons why she doesnât want to get more deeply involved with you â because she knows she isnât able to give you the love you deserve. Or, she is afraid of another intimate relationship. Or both.
Whatever it is, at least she was honest about her unwillingness to get romantically involved with you. She never gave you false hopes, although it appears she did enjoy your company. But for her, it wasnât going to happen. It doesnât make you a less worthy or desirable person, itâs just that this concrete girl refused you. It has nothing to do with you, but with her.
What I am noticing is that you are (at least until this last post where youâre a little bit disillusioned) still showing some of the savior complex, which you talked about before. You said:
âI thought that I could be a good influence in her life, and maybe I was/am?â
âIt is my hope that she will continue to distance herself from the âunsavory charactersâ and the drugs.â
âI feel that I am a positive and calming influence in her life and I would like to continue to be.â
âIâd like to see her live a cleaner life and live up to the potential I see in herâ.
You also said sheâs an old soul, intrigues you as a person and would like to know her better:
âI would like to know her better than just a work friend that I hang out with. Not in a romantic sense, but Iâd hope sheâd drop her walls a bit so I can know her better.â
âIâm just not comfortable doing without knowing her better.â
These are all signs that youâre trying to save her. Youâd like to know her better, understand her traumas, and be the person who helps her climb out of it. Even if sheâs refused a romantic relationship, you still hoped to have an intimate relationship with her, to be a friend who she can confide in and talk about her problems.
But unfortunately, saving others never works. She is the only one who can save herself. Sheâs probably already working on it, but since sheâs still suffering with addiction, it means the wound is deep and she doesnât know how to cope otherwise.
Itâs not your task to help her, moreover she isnât asking for your help either. She wants to keep things light and playful with you, and now sheâs even made inappropriate comments about the repair man, which to me signals sheâs putting up a protective shield and wants to distance herself from any intimacy with you. It appears to me that she wants to be left alone with her pain (and her addictions), she doesnât want you to interfere. Itâs not the healthiest choice but itâs her choice, and you canât do much about it but to respect it and to spare yourself from further pain.
The question I would ask myself if I were you is why you have the need to save her. Usually when we want to save someone, weâre avoiding to look at something in our own psychology that needs to be solved. Weâre working hard on changing them instead of looking at what needs to be changed in us.
TeeParticipantDear Neverdyed,
good you’re seeing the contradiction, and also, that you actually do have the right to demand loyalty, i.e. not to stay in a relationship where loyalty isn’t honored.
Could you explain âBut also notice that him suggesting infidelity was the line you didnât want to cross.â?
Yes, I figured that this is what happened, based on these words of yours:
“Later in the msgs, he suggested me have more than 1 lover to avoid being stuck. Ever since then, Iâve tried to withdraw and move on. Although the above just made me a little sad, Iâm proud that I no longer feel like crying frequently like I was.”
I had the impression that his suggestion to have multiple lovers was rather hurtful for you and what finally made you withdraw from him (or try to withdraw from him –Â as you phrased it). I deduced, perhaps wrongly, that before that, you were rather reluctant to demand anything. You did once mention you don’t need on and off contacts, but he brushed it off and you haven’t brought it up again. But I thought that him suggesting other lovers was the line that you didn’t want to cross, and that’s when you started distancing yourself more and more (you said “Ever since then, I’ve tried to withdraw and move on“). Or it’s not how it happened?
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
TeeParticipantDear Neverdyed,
I am glad youâre trying to get to the bottom of the problem, thatâs the only way to resolve it.
âThe last video chat ended after he said Iâd made him responsible (I couldnât hold my tears because I missed him even without addressing it).â
Could you explain this? In his view, what have you made him responsible for?
âSomehow I think only marriage empowers the couple to demand/request what he or she wants/expects, maybe itâs because itâs formal? As for my idea about marriage, I believe itâs related to my parentsâ terrible divorce, but Iâve stopped claiming that itâs all their fault. I donât mind having a partner for life, just âgetting marriedâ is totally unnecessary for me, the most important thing is being faithful/loyal. Now it seems weird to me for how infidelity scares me off as it has nothing to do with my parentsâ divorce!â
So your parents had a difficult divorce, and it probably affects your idea of marriage. Thatâs why you don’t want to get married. You only want loyalty, however, here is one big problem: you said you can only request things (I guess this includes loyalty) if youâre married. So how do you request loyalty if youâre not married? Do you see your internal contradiction?
Itâs totally understandable that infidelity scares you, in the sense that you donât want to have an unfaithful partner. But you need to be able to demand that from him – even if youâre not married. Thatâs called a committed relationship.
So what would happen if youâd demand faithfulness from your partner? We already know that the man youâve been involved with refused to be faithful. Not only that, but he suggested that you too should have more than one lovers (âhe suggested me have more than 1 lover to avoid being stuckâ). Thatâs when you started withdrawing and have been trying to forget about him, but it was very hard and it made you suffer a lot.
But also notice that him suggesting infidelity was the line you didnât want to cross. You could tolerate his long silence, his not answering your messages for days on end and other stuff, but you couldnât tolerate him being unfaithful. And thatâs fine, thatâs a healthy instinct. Thatâs a minimum in a healthy and loving relationship.
Do you think you could demand that from a future partner? Or thereâs something standing in the way?
âFinally, Iâd like to bring up a question since Iâm quite afraid of being a third party without knowing it in the future⌠How to tell if a manâs single?â
Well, if heâs available to chat during the day (or if heâs busy working during the day, then in the evening), heâs available to meet during the weekends, he isnât secretive about where he goes and how he spends his time, youâre allowed to call him, youâre invited to meet his friends or his family⌠Also, he doesnât promote open relationships, he doesnât talk about having more than one partners, he isnât avoiding you, he is eager to spend time with youâŚ
February 27, 2021 at 11:14 am in reply to: I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess. #375356TeeParticipantDear miyoid,
Has your boyfriend moved out? You mentioned he was planning to do so on ThursdayâŚ
âIt seems like the care and support/love that my boyfriend offers is not enough, itâs like I need more and more. Everytime he acts kindly to me, I feel that longing over and over again. I desperately need that attention, but I have hard time receiving that attention. Iâm not sure how I feel about myself not deserving or deserving, it sometimes feels like I deserve more love than I actually receive.â
âRight now I am feeling as vulnerable/weak as a very thin glass. I feel like I cannot continue my life without him.â
Dear miyoid, I understand you because I used to feel similarly, like I canât live without my boyfriend. And when I wasnât in a relationship, I felt a huge longing for love and an emptiness inside of me. I felt like an orphan, longing to be loved and taken care of. And I felt helpless and hopeless without someone to meet that need of mine. That was a long time ago. Since then, I’ve learned that I am capable of loving myself and giving myself love. At first, it was hard, because I felt like a dried-out well, so how can I possibly love myself?
I donât know if you believe in a higher power, but what helped me was that I asked Jesus to come to my heart, because without his love, I would perish. It was a very powerful meditation, in which I felt Jesusâ love pouring into my heart and filling the void that I felt there. After that, I could feel for the first time that I can be the source of love, that I can give love too, and not just receive it.
So for me, it took a higher power to give me that first âportionâ of love and open my heart, and also to make me feel that I am lovable, and that love can flow through me. That I am a conduit of love.
From then on, everything changed. I stopped feeling like an orphan and depending on others to give me love. I could survive without their love. It doesnât mean I donât need others, far from that, just that I am much less needy in a relationship. I believe that if you could get in touch with that inner source of love â which is definitely there â things will dramatically change for you too.
âShe prescribed him all those heavy meds and told that the therapy would start after their effects start as well. Then he started to experience these tantrums or mental breakdowns even more often. It was like the tantrums got heavier day by day.â
I am sorry that your boyfriend didnât get proper help, on the contrary it seems the medicine he got made his symptoms even worse. And then the psychotherapist didnât respond to his texts and just left him hanging. Very unprofessional of her đ I do hope that he finds someone better, at least that he manages to find one therapist who will consistently engage with him and help him stabilize.
As for your job, itâs good that you donât want to keep doing it for a long time, but just temporarily, until you can save some money. But I suggest you give yourself a time limit, and to leave as soon as possible.
TeeParticipantDear Felix,
In your posts youâve mentioned several times that youâre hoping to get some positive feedback from the universe, but nothing is coming your way:
âI do send out love into the universe. I donât do it as a favor so I can get back something from it, but I hear silence in return. In fact, it often happens that I get adversity and hardship in return.â
âItâs just been so stale lately that I donât remember what it feels like when something cool or interesting comes my way because of a coincidence. I am trying to send out positive thoughts into the Universe and I really hope to get some feed back.â
âI am not giving up, but I havenât had any good or positive news in a very long time. ⌠I am just so tired of it all that I would do anything for something good, fun, exiting to happen.â
So itâs like youâre trying so hard, youâre giving your best, but no good news in return. You only hear crickets, or even worse, you experience more adversity. Itâs like youâre saying: âplease, I am doing my best, I am trying so hard to be a good person. Why donât you show me some love in return, why donât you show me that you care at least a little??â
It seems to me itâs how a child would talk to a parent. âI am trying to be a good boy, I am doing everything to please you. Why canât you show me some love already??â
Does that ring a bell for you? Because what could be happening is that youâre subconsciously trying to please your parents (and now an external authority like God or the universe), but you feel youâre not good enough. Youâre judging yourself harshly:
âI am trying to forgive myself, to be more precise, I am talking to myself about moving on, but like a sadomasochist I am continuing to punish myself.â
âI am trying to be patient, accepting, and loving of myself. I realize how important it is to love myself and be fair (from learning about Buddhism), but this alter-ego inside of me continues to punish me for effing up.â
One part of you knows â the rational part â that the key is to love and accept yourself. But the other is still judging you for being imperfect. Thatâs the inner critic, which is most likely the internalized voice of your parent(s). So thereâs an inner child within you, which is being tormented by the voice of the harsh inner critic. What it needs is that you become a good, loving parent to that little boy. To stop judging him and pushing him to be better, but to love him and accept him just as he is, with no conditions. This will change the entire “constellation”, so to speak, and things will almost certainly start changing in your outer life too…
TeeParticipantDear Javairia,
glad you liked the idea of spending more time in nature. When you’re out in nature, try to be present in your body, touch the grass, smell the flowers, touch the bark of a tree, notice the birds, hear them chirping… in short, try to engage all your senses. That will help you stay in the here and now, and not escape into your thoughts.
TeeParticipantDear Neverdyed,
âI simply stayed silent when he said he didnât even want a girlfriend in the beginningâ
So if I am getting this right, your relationship started as a very casual one. In the beginning he didnât even want a girlfriend but saw you as his âloverâ, which to you sounded more like a mistress, i.e. for sexual encounters. You agreed to it and it didnât bother you at first, because for one, you didn’t fall for him much back then, and also, you spent quite a lot of time together.
So it seems that in the beginning, neither of you saw it as a serious relationship. But then, what happened? You started falling for him and wanting more out of the relationship, and he started withdrawing? Was there ever a period where the two of you could share deeper thoughts and feelings with each other, or he (or you) resisted that?
âI discussed with him once and I said something like âonly in a marriage can you ask for somethingâ, and Iâve no interests in getting married.â
So it was you who said âonly in a marriage can you ask for somethingâ? Where do you think this attitude comes from?
âIâve no interests in getting married.â
Can you explain why? What do you associate with marriage that makes you reluctant to get married?
Sorry for bombarding you with questions, but I think it’s worth digging a bit deeper to understand the dynamic in the background…
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