Dear Ilyana,

good to have you here! Yes, you’re right, self-acceptance and self-compassion is where you need to start. We can’t get rid of our negative habits and addictions while we’re judging and blaming ourselves, because eventually it’s love and compassion that help us heal. So have patience with yourself and start working, slowly but surely, on loving yourself and your wounded inner child.

Dear Timepassages2070,

I’ve just seen this thread, after Anita’s pinged it, and thought to add some thoughts, in case you’re still reading it. Your discussion with Anita was really enlightening and opened many important issues, including those related to your childhood. What I am noticing is that you seem to be blaming your friend for having used you, and then “dumped” or ghosted you without explaining what really made her change her behavior from being super close to you, even obsessive, to suddenly cutting contact and ignoring you for months on end.

You’ve offered 3 possible explanations: 1) she’s dating someone and no longer needs your emotional support, 2) she feels the two of you got too close, 3) a combination of the previous two. Based on what you’ve shared here, I believe a fourth option is possible too: that she felt the two of you got very close, and she in fact wanted it to happen, but when she realized, after a while, that you don’t intend to leave your wife, she decided to withdraw. That might be the reason for her silence and suddenly cutting you off.

I am saying this because based on what you’ve described here, it appears to me that for a while she was pursuing you rather openly, even in front of your wife: she sat in your lap at a theater rehearsal, she left flirtatious messages on your facebook, she called you and texted you frequently – without really taking into account your wife’s feelings. Perhaps she was encouraged by the fact that you told her about the problems in your marriage, so she started hoping that there could be something between you.

She also expressed that she’s against extra-marital affairs, which means that she probably wouldn’t be the one initiating anything inappropriate, at least not openly. But she might have been hoping that you would make a move, or at least indicate that you’re interested. She did tell you how special and important you are to her, and overall, I think her behavior showed she was  quite interested in you, even though she didn’t openly say it. She even tried to arrange a private yoga class with you, which would enable the two of you to meet regularly once a week.

What might have happened after a while is that she’s realized she’s not such a priority for you as you are for her. For example, you went 3 days without responding to her messages, or you made a comment that by sitting in your lap, she’d made it more difficult for the two of you to meet, because it will make your wife more suspicious, etc. With this, you’ve expressed that keeping your wife happy is more important to you – i.e. that your wife is more important to you than her. And that’s when she might have decided to withdraw.

When you later casually asked her what’s up, she responded in an offended manner that she’s tired of “chasing friends around and people not being responsive to her texts”. This might have very well been a reference to you and your not being quick in replying to her messages, and in general, not responding to her “chasing”. But she didn’t want to admit that openly, so she made a general comment about “friends” and about “needing space from everyone”. She realized you’re not interested in more than a friendship, and she cut off contact.

You now feel used by her, but she could be feeling equally used by you. And that’s because you never drew a line and never made it clear for her that you aren’t interested in her as a romantic partner. What the two of you had was an emotional affair, where you were complaining to each other about your respective marriages and sharing your deepest feelings with each other. You said you’ve felt good about getting “closer and closer” to her, and that inwardly, you’ve probably crossed the line. Outwardly you never said or did anything explicitly, but you were quite open to her advances (e.g. you allowed her to sit in your lap in front of your wife, to call you frequently etc) and haven’t clarified your feelings – and by doing that, you were probably feeding her hopes.

As I see it, the missing piece – something that you haven’t admitted to each other – is that you were in an emotional affair, which muddied the waters of your previously honest and sincere friendship. This affair suited you (possibly because you miss emotional intimacy with your wife?), but it might have not been enough for her – she wanted more from you. When she realized it’s not possible, she called it quits.

Even if that’s not what happened on her side (we don’t know her side of the story), I think it would be important that you reconsider your own role in this affair and how you were encouraging it, rather than putting all the blame on her. Probably your own unmet needs played a role in it, so the more aware you are of those, the easier it will also be to navigate your own marriage….

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Nar,

“I don’t know why it is so difficult to accept that we were abused as children, why instead of facing to what happened, we just accept it as love… I guess part of it is because we still want to cling to that love that all children really need to survive. We can’t let go of the illusion that we were not always loved or that we were not loved at all in extreme cases…”

Yes, I believe it’s because the child, even if severely abused, rather blames themselves than the parent for the abuse. Because if the child is guilty, there’s at least hope in their mind that once they “become better”, the parent will stop the abuse and finally show them love. If on the other hand it’s the parent’s fault, the child cannot cope with the idea that they are left at the mercy of an abusive parent, and that they are helpless about it. So by blaming themselves and exculpating the parent – they’re actually able to hope that some day it will be better, they they will get what they need, if only they change. So yes, it’s an unconscious survival mechanism…

“But mistreatments and abuse are way beyond and much more complicated than just physical harm caused to children. Silent treatments, emotional blackmail, power control, withdrawals, judgements, demands.. Why are children brought up this way? Why do we damage the most innocent beings in such cruel ways and they just turn a blind eye to everything and want to be loved by anyone…”

Well, because our parents were wounded children themselves, and if they don’t heal their wounds, they simply transfer it to us. I remember my mother when she was younger didn’t want to be like her mother, but then later became exactly like her, and was even glorifying her, even if her mother was very cold and strict. She refused to see there was any problem with her mother, and she also refuses to see there was any problem with how she brought me up. Many people unfortunately refuse to take responsibility for their actions and they just keep repeating those same old destructive patterns…

It is all very sad but also incredibly awakening for me as I am not a parent yet luckily and I absolutely understand the full moral responsibility of being one now. I know I must work out through my own traumas and issues, so I pass none of that onto my children. So I never live in the past.

It’s great that you’re aware of those things and will become a much more conscious parent. Luckily, there are many conscious parenting trainings and seminars out there, which can be very helpful. I myself am not a parent, and it’s partially because for a long time I haven’t felt emotionally ready to be a mother, because I haven’t received a good example from my own mother. So it’s wonderful that you’re working on healing your emotional wounds… But also know that it’s enough to be a “good enough” mother (you can look it up what it means), you don’t need to be perfect, and the child doesn’t need a perfect mother, but just “good enough”.  But that too is only possible if we’ve solved our core emotional wounds…

I genuinely want to break free from my past. The work on myself is constant and part of me wishes there was a way to end all the problems in one go.

Yeah, I know… Perhaps it would help if you’d take a look at the Maslow’s pyramid of needs, because it lists our core emotional needs. In order to break free from our past, I believe we need to meet those core needs – the need for safety, security, love and belonging, and recognition/validation. It’s not like one should work in a linear fashion on those wounds, from the bottom up, but still, for me, it helped me a lot to observe myself in the context of those core needs.

Dear Michelle,

you’re welcome. I understand that you have an inner feeling that you should stay. And it’s not the voice of fear, but intuition. Well, it’s possible. Perhaps you should stay, but then you’d need to accept that you stay under his conditions – within the confines that he dictates. And you’d need to stop yourself from wanting more from him, from probing about the future, from hoping. Or even if you do hope, you mustn’t share it with him, but be very careful about how you express your feelings. For how long do you think you would be able to do that, without feeling exhausted? Without starting to suffer? And do you believe that you should suffer for love, if that’s in some higher interest?

Dear Michelle,

I am sorry things have turned worse again. I believe he’s afraid of commitment, and one of the reasons might be exactly his OCD, which  limits him extremely, as he needs his structure to maintain his balance and a sense of control. That’s why everything else is less important than him maintaining his sense of “peace”. Unfortunately that means that you too, as a potential disturbing factor, are secondary to his peace. Even though he says “he’s never felt that anyone had fulfilled him this way before“, his fear of things becoming unmanageable is larger. That’s why he cannot and doesn’t want to promise you anything. He’s very confined by his fear and would need to work on it. But if he’s not willing to, there isn’t much you can do.

You say “it doesn’t feel over“. Well, it doesn’t need to be over if you agree to his conditions – to stay within the confines of his fear, to never mention a committed relationship, to have no expectations from him in that regard. I think Anita once noticed that he might be quite loving and caring within his comfort zone, but as soon as he is asked to step out of it, he shuts down. Now he did it again, as soon as you started probing about the future.

By the way, I am not surprised he’s not interested in dating other women, because the same fear would arise in him with someone else. You were exceptionally understanding and tolerant with him, and that’s why he said he never felt fulfilled like that before. But unfortunately, he cannot step out of his own prison, so even if we feels good with you, his fear is stronger.

It just seems like if it’s going to end I’m going to have to do it. But it doesn’t feel over, I just think hes messed up.

Well, until you’re full of love and understanding for him, he’ll want to stay with you. But if you keep demanding things from him, he might be the one to break up with you. He isn’t going to beg you to stay, because he cannot promise you the things you want from him.

I am sorry, Michelle. I know you don’t want it to end. But your love isn’t enough for him to change. He would need a strong resolve to work on himself and go to therapy, but he isn’t willing to do that. Perhaps you could ask him – as one final attempt – whether he’s willing to go to therapy, if not for his own but for your sake? And that you see his fears, but is he willing to work to overcome them? Or he’s willing to let the relationship go, because his fear is stronger?

Dear Jenny,

I am late to your thread and have been trying to catch up. I am glad you’re in a better place now than you’ve been before. You’ve had a very productive discussion with Anita, and now many things are clearer to you, and you feel much better about yourself. But there’s still something troubling you, as you say: you’re almost missing his calls now that you’ve changed your number. You feel rejected all over again (it’s as if he left me all over again). You’re surprised that he isn’t trying something to reach you (now I am wondering why is he not doing something to reach out), and you’re a little disappointed, or sad, that he might be moving on.

In February 2021, you said to Anita:

What I definitely did want was for him to see that I am not the needy clingy woman that he thought me to be when he left. I wanted him to see that I am one High Value woman that HE LOST. I wanted him to feel a sense of LOSING a girl who really loved him and was special.

When Anita asked you if you don’t feel worthy enough, you said you do – you do feel worthy to your parents, to your friends and co-workers, but it’s just this one man that humiliated you and took all of your pride.

In many of your posts, you were actually stressing how valuable and special you are, but that he refused to acknowledge it. That’s why you felt angry and offended at him. You were specially offended that he called you a child:

“I feel so insulted when I remember he said that I am a child. I can imagine him thinking he was right about me and that I am just an immature girl which I am not Anita. He has the audacity to behave whichever way and then why I have one slip-up he has the audacity to pass such statements on me. I am just insulted Anita, feel just very insulted by someone who should’ve by now been regretting losing me instead of calling me a child.”

“I mean he has made me feel like such an argumentative, crying, weak woman. And now he’s calling me a child as if I am some immature person that needs growing up.”

You also said, in one of your earlier posts: But my biggest fear is that tomorrow I’ll see him have a perfect life with another girl and it will reiterate that I was the one who was at fault.

Based on what you’ve expressed, it seems to me that you do have self-respect and value yourself, however you didn’t get that respect from your mother. She was criticizing you for slouching, and you would protest: “you can’t talk to me like that.” You demanded respect from your mother, and would argue about it with her (you said you were rude, to match her rudeness), but you never got her respect. You didn’t get respect from your father either because he never stood in your defense, but your main wound is with your mother. She treated you like an immature child, while you wanted to be treated respectfully, like an adult. (I wonder if there were other ways in which she criticized you or where you felt humiliated, beside slouching?)

I believe that you do value yourself, but you wish she’d value you too. And that desire – to be valued and respected – you transferred to your boyfriend. There’s still a part of you – the wounded inner child – where you aren’t sure that you’re worthy, because you didn’t get your parents’ (specially your mother’s) confirmation. You think you are, but you’re not sure. That’s why you said your biggest fear is that it would turn out that you were the one who was at fault, and that there’s nothing wrong with him. That’s your inner child insecure of its worth. It has to have it confirmed by other people.

You found a man who reminds you in some aspects of your mother, and you were trying to get his confirmation. But instead, he humiliated you most of the time. You would beg him to show you some respect, but to no avail. He would be even more cruel. He didn’t want to give you that one thing that you craved so much: the confirmation that you’re valuable and special.

What’s the way out? To understand with your entire being that indeed, you are valuable and special. To give that confirmation to your inner child, and not expect it from other people. I believe this is what’s missing for you to heal and really let go of him.

Tell me what you think and if it resonates with you.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

first thing I’ve noticed, not just now but in at least one previous occasion too, is that you send your replies extremely quickly. Ten minutes after I posted you already sent a pretty long response. It’s a similar pattern to what I described earlier: someone gives you a suggestion, and you immediately swing it back, like a ball, explaining why this suggestion doesn’t work for you, or repeating more of the same problem. Now you haven’t done exactly that, you did reflect and comment on what I’ve said, but it feels like you’re rushing to give a response. You don’t allow yourself to really hear it, to reflect on it, but you immediately shoot it back.

This can be one manifestation of your inability to receive – receive advice, help, or perhaps receive love as well. In order to receive it, you’d need to slow down, and perhaps there’s fear of what you might find within if you do slow down. You said you feel empty, and also that you’re ashamed and embarrassed, and that you have low self-esteem, although you aren’t shy to e.g. talk to girls. That’s possible because we might have self-confidence (because we’re good at presenting, selling, doing sports etc), but we still might lack self-esteem and self-worth – because that goes deeper, to the core of our being.

I believe your feeling empty has to do with the lack of self-esteem and self-worth. You don’t believe there’s anything worthy in there. That’s why it’s also hard for you to slow down and listen to your inner voice. It’s cool that you meditate, but I am figuring there’s still some disconnect there.

One way you can connect with yourself is to close your eyes, put one hand on your heart and the other on you belly, and breathe, and feel your belly rise and fall as you breathe. It’s a hug of sort, where you feel yourself, accept yourself and comfort yourself at the same time. Try it if you’d like.

I could go on, but would first like to ask your opinion about what I’ve wrote, and whether you have received it.

Dear NYC Artist,

another thing occurred to me – that even if you know how to protect yourself, you don’t want to live in a world where you constantly have to be on guard, where people are hostile to each other, where you can’t just freely give and receive love. A world of war and conflict. For your 2-yr old self, it was a pretty big trauma to have a cigarette lighter being lit in front of her face. Not to mention all other incidents where you felt scared and terrified. So it wouldn’t be surprising that you’re now longing for a world without danger and conflict.