Hi Tee,

Next week I have an appointment with a new doctor, so I am hopeful but also slightly apprehensive, because I’ve been to several doctors already and no improvement so far…

Oh I see, I can understand but who knows maybe this one can give you much better results? So be hopeful. Update me when you do give a visit though.

Okay, so you feel very different than others, like you’re some alien. That’s probably because your true self wasn’t appreciated by your parents or grandparents (or other adults you grew up around). You were constantly judged and criticized for being yourself. So you believe that you’re fundamentally different from other people, which isn’t true.

However, you might have developed a defense mechanism that keeps you away from others and makes you fear others, as if they’re going to harm you. You might be looking at people through that lens, magnifying the differences, seeking imperfections in them etc. This lens, i.e. filter is what actually creates a greater sense of distance between you and others. I think this filter is creating an artificial sense of distance and difference, which in reality doesn’t exist.

Hmm that’s right. Is that could the same reason I can’t spend longer time around the crowds? Because it just drains my energy…

You said is about yourself too (or a friend of yours said it about you, I don’t remember anymore?). They said that you have a heart full of love, but are afraid to share it with others. And it’s true. Because you fear others.

Ah yeah my friend told me about this for myself. But yeah I agree there is fear

Yes, vulnerability is actually a strength. There is a famous TED talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. It describes how she, who was someone who feared vulnerability, discovered the importance of vulnerability, by studying hundreds and thousands of happy people. She discovered that vulnerability is actually a prerequisite for happiness. You can enter “Brene Brown vulnerability TED talk” in youtube search and you’ll find it. Really powerful stuff.

Thanks for sharing I’ll watch the video. Turns out it was already on my watchlist but I still haven’t watched it. Still lot of articles left to read as well. Don’t know where the time is going lol 😂

It’s good that she has this strength! Because she won’t be playing games with you. She will tell you what bothers her and what she would like from you.

Hmm I hope so… She seems quite sensitive

But I want to add something here: try not to compare yourself now and think “oh she has this strength and I don’t. I am so much worse than her” (which would be your inner critic). Rather, try to appreciate her for her ability to be vulnerable. You too will develop this strength, and you’re on a path to do that. Because frankly, till recently you thought it was a weakness, and a part of you still thinks it’s a weakness. So it will take some time to change the old habits and beliefs.

Oh yeah you’re right I’m not comparing and I am aware that I’m capable for cultivating good emotional patterns for myself (Or at least I’m trying)

You’re welcome, you are making a great progress! Actually, we humans are social creatures, and we’re meant to be interdependent, not independent. I mean, we’re not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient (if there is such a word). We’re not meant to be in a relationship with only ourselves, and not to be bonded to anyone. Being independent is good up to a point. But if you want to be emotionally independent and self-sufficient, that’s already a defense mechanism.

Wow! So this challenged me for lot of things that I’ve consumed in reading and watching over the years. And kind of really challenging for my old belief. But If you have any recommendations for articles or videos or just you want to explain by yourself you can elaborate more this with me. Because I do understand what you mean but I don’t have clear picture just for meta thinking with myself you know

The other part of the problem might be that in a relationship, you feel trapped, like a fish in a bowl of water. And I think it could be because you see the other person as a threat. As very different than you. As judging you. As wanting to control you and suppress your true self.

Yes exactly I do feel trapped one of the reasons I’m scared for commitment. But mainly for controlling because their actions would affect me a lot emotionally. Like if my partner is anxious or sad it affects me directly.

You probably see the other person as your father, and it’s threatening your freedom, and you want to run away. You want to be free, like a fish in the river. You ran away from home, because of this feeling of being trapped. And now you want to apply the same coping strategy to your romantic relationships: run away, be free from “threat”. Would you say it’s true?

I don’t know if I see other person as my father because then I believe I wouldn’t even want spend lot of time with.. I don’t know how to explain properly but yeah I guess I’m running away because that feeling. But there are other reasons as well. Like It’s my curiosity so I’m just striving for exploring more and novelty so I don’t feel like I’m missing out..

You’re welcome, it’s a pleasure to talk to you and help you on your path…

Haha I’m glad. Currently what kind of emotional patterns that you’re working on?

Yeah, I find that visiting the same places in nature – the places that I like and enjoy – is totally okay, because they recharge me. And they are never the same, really, there is always something different to appreciate…

Totally agree and sometimes it kind of gives me solutions out of nowhere have you experienced it before?

Glad your job isn’t boring. Then I guess simply spending time at home, comfortably seated in front of your computer, and being alone, naturally makes the person want to take a nap   If you were in the office, you would need to control yourself better, but like this, it’s easier to just doze off… So if you want to avoid afternoon slumps, I guess one solution would be to work from the office more frequently

Haha I don’t think that’s a good idea since being around with lot of people for a while takes up my energy a lot. Heck even if it’s just a single person and if I don’t like spending time with him/her it just drains me. Same goes for outside work as well. But I’m aware as for my position I do have to learn to overcome this challenge.

Okay, so you’re still afraid of their judgment? Both your father’s, grandfather’s and your brother’s judgment as well? Btw what’s that “something crazy” that you’d want to do, but are reluctant to (if it’s not too much to ask)?

Hmm so I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. And my grandfather is always saying “not nice” things about getting tattoos so whenever I think about getting a tattoo for few minutes I do feel good and think about ideas and etc and after that I overthink what would my grandfather say? Sure he wouldn’t like it.. same for my father.

And actually a while ago I stopped this kind of thinking what others or even my own family is thinking about me but I think I’m kind of back to this

Hola Tee,

How are you doing? How was your weekend?

That’s interesting… since therapists are vowed to confidentiality and they are non-judgmental per definition. But some people are like that with authority figures, and maybe a therapist in her mind meant a  judgmental authority figure, and it scared her… But it could have also been an excuse, because if someone rejects therapy, and hasn’t even given it a try, it usually means they don’t really want to change in a deeper way…

I guess so yeah and I was just worried so much about her healing that I didn’t even try to look from different perspective, and I believe after a while my “drill sergeant” just started being harsh on her

Well texting all day (i.e. making it the only way of communication) is tiring, but this would have been more like a check-in text, just to show you’re thinking of her. And since you were at your parents’ place, you had an excuse why it would have been only a short text..

Haha yeah you do have a good point. But when I was at my hometown tbh only thing I really missed was my cat 🤣

I am not sure it’s more connecting, but it’s a good replacement for texts. If you want more connection, a phone call would be much better, in my opinion…

We talk on phone call but not that much frequently…

Okay, but she could have texted you too, if she was so keen. So it’s like she expected you to text, and was angry when you didn’t, but she hasn’t texted you either. She only admitted later that she wanted to, but then deleted it. I mean, I understand she is upset and feels like you don’t care, but she could have texted you first…

I know right!?

But I think I know the advantages of physical relationship now. We met this Saturday evening, and her anger was gone. She hugged me with good warmth like she actually missed me. And we did have a good time together. She even cooked for me. but surprising enough I don’t feel much scared now because I’m not overthinking much and like we talked about mindfulness I’m just trying to enjoy present moments more… Because this different kind of feeling makes me feel like I’m not hard to love then why I’ve been so hard on myself for so long and not being compassionate with myself?

There’s good quote from Lord Krishna which I remembered so, Love when you can, Tomorrow isn’t promised. so I’m just reminding myself kind of things like this which could help me for loosen up my heart shield.

Well, your fear is still strong. That’s why you rather play it cool and uninterested. You’re doing the avoidant pattern.

Yes exactly!

And it could lead to breakup with time, specially if she expects a normal level of interest and dedication from the guy. And I guess she does, that’s why she is so upset. So yeah… you’d need to decide what you want. Do you want to challenge your fear, or you want to succumb?

Well I can try to challenge my fear

The perfectionist likes to fix people whom he sees inferior than him in some way. It’s more like a defense mechanism, because if you see the person as inferior and in need of fixing, then you feel safe because you feel you’re above them (“better” than them) and therefore, they won’t judge you.

Ah right also the reason why I don’t feel intimidated around them and not alarmed…But with people “better than me” I do feel intimidated.

Thinking about your 3-yr long LDR, perhaps the perfectionist in you needed to receive praise and validation from her, because this is something you were missing as a child. But it could be that she didn’t give you too much praise and validation, because you said she often sabotaged your meetings, didn’t listen to your advice etc?

So I am thinking now that your perfectionist fixer is possibly a reaction to not receiving praise and validation from your parents? And trying to get it now in romantic relationships?

I do think so it could be like that even though lot of time she did praised me how I’m helping her but all I wanted was seeing a real change and actions which she didn’t.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that interview… sorry you didn’t get the job. But then again, at least you’re clear now with what you want: a position with more responsibility, fully remote. How come you’re sticking to fully remote btw? So you’re more flexible with where you live?

Yes because of the fully remote job flexibility. I also want to start travelling more because I think connecting with nature is really healing for me and I feel so calm. One of the reasons why I’m trying so hard.

Alright, so you’re doing that Mon-Friday, during working hours? You’re having long naps in the afternoons, and then you need to work late to finish your tasks, right? Perhaps you can introduce a short walk (or even a bike ride) in the afternoon, to freshen you up?

Yes during work hours! But I’ve tried what you suggested but now I’m feeling sleepy at early evening time 😂

Sure, no problem…

Thanks. So I’m not sure it’s related to CPTSD. But like just last three times in raw I had nightmares about my family members. First night my father getting angry and then my grandfather and I yelling at each other and then next day while taking a nap, my brother which is surprising because we’re very close to each other and it did felt really unpleasant and depressing. I wasn’t even able to do meditation properly in the morning.

Dear Tee,

I have, but he wasn’t helpful at all… so I’ll keep looking. And thanks for your support!

Ah I see, Hope you find a really good doctor that helps for your health much better

Yeah, supporting each other is a natural thing in a relationship. But if it’s one-sided and you’re “supporting”, i.e. trying to heal her all the time, that’s not healthy. I mean, you’re not her therapist, you’re her boyfriend. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk about issues, you sure can, but deep emotional wounds can only be healed in therapy, not in a romantic relationship.

Yes I knew that well but since she wasn’t comfortable opening up with therapist I felt like I should help her much as much as I can. But in result it just emotionally drained me because yeah it was one-sided help. And it sometimes it made me question myself like does it even matter to help people? because at the end of the day they’re going to do just whatever they want.

Okay, I like that she was honest about wanting to text you, but then deleting it. So she showed her vulnerability after all, even if at first she wanted to hide it.

Yes I do feel bad though. Because in short time she’s quite vulnerable with me and I’ve disappointed her already.

How come you didn’t text her at all while you were away? Didn’t feel the need, or you stopped yourself because it would have seemed “weak and needy”?

Well kind of yeah both reasons I didn’t feel the need and when I did feel it I was like let’s not rush she’s going to text if she wants it, Why should I seem needy first? That’s what I was thinking

Right… what’s the first thing that comes to your mind when she says “I miss you”?

Overthinking and fear I suppose. Like now relationship is gradually getting deeper but soon it will end

Yes, we (our inner child) is trying to finally get our distant/unloving parent to love us. Only now it’s not the parent but our romantic partner whom we’re trying to change.

Hmm I see…

  but we believe we can finally turn them around”

But we actually can’t and that’s what disappoints more. Right?

Okay, so if the inner critic can still make you believe you’re not good enough, it means that your inner child feels not good enough. And you’d need to tell your inner child that he is precious and talented and lovable, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

I do try to pep talk with him time to time.. but not much frequently

When those thoughts of “not good enough” start popping up in some form, try to be like general Iroh to your inner child and tell him how precious he is. And that whoever tells him differently is a liar and doesn’t know a thing!

You’re right! I’ll try to do that more

Be aware of it. I think the main duality in you is 1) the inner child who is afraid of judgment and believes he is unworthy, and 2) the protector (which is the shield around your heart) who wants to protect your inner child from harm. But he is doing it by wrong means – by shutting down intimacy and vulnerability altogether.

What would need to happen is that you be a good parent to your inner child and assure him that he is worthy (as I described above). And you also assure him that you’ll protect him from other people’s judgments and mistreatment (by setting boundaries, learning to say No, etc), should there be need for it.

So you, the adult SereneWolf, become the good and healthy protector for your inner child. Like a good father. That’s how you can replace this unhealthy, toxic protector, who is the Outer Critic/shield around your heart.

I hope it’s not too messy the way I’ve explained it?

You explained it well. You already noticed the main pain points. And yeah it’s been days I haven’t been a good parent to my inner child but feels like work when you already feel emotionally drained you know

Good! If he isn’t trying to put you down, isn’t yelling at you etc, that’s great.

Naah he doesn’t do that to me. It’s been a while, he used to do that a lot in past

Dear Tee,

You haven’t updated me about your health in a while. So, tell me the good news?

Yes, I see… she had very low self-esteem, and felt ashamed of herself even in front of you.

Yes,  I guess it was one of the reasons I felt more hurt even after reassurance, time and trust it wasn’t enough for her.

Although to be honest, I don’t know how one can be critical and superior, but not judgmental? Because acting with superiority kind of implies that one looks down at the other person as not good enough…

Hmm I guess because I still admire and value their good qualities over the ones that I don’t like?

So to me it definitely seems like an unhealthy parent-child dynamic, even if you were trying to be as patient as possible, and would only get upset occasionally.

In fact, I guess you were upset more frequently than you let on (we’ve talked about it already), so she could probably feel your disappointment and frustration, even if you tried not to show it. And even if you managed to hide it, it was still frustrating for you, right?

Yes exactly!

Yes, it does. But it’s in vain, unless they work on it therapy…

Because I talked to her after a while and I said I’m seeing a therapist, She was bit more enthusiastic about seeing the therapist again

Oh I see… so she felt neglected because her little sister “stole” her parents’ attention. And she probably felt not good enough and not lovable enough because of that. That can very easily be the cause of her low self-esteem.

Yes that’s what I’m thinking

Yeah, it’s always a recipe for failure to be in a relationship with someone who cannot love themselves. If you’re attracted to such girls, who seem needy and in need of your help – that’s something to be aware of and to work on. Okay, the doctor is certainly not that type, But in general, if you feel better being with girls with low self-esteem, that’s a problem.

Okay so just a general question. Suppose we go out and take 10 random people and out of those 10 people what do you think how many would be loving themselves as they should?

And I know I’m feeling different but I also know that I’m not afraid of change.

But I’m also thinking it’s could be like similar to comfort zone thing? Because I’ve mostly been with girls who had low-esteem so now I feel just more comfortable with them

Or it’s like a attraction thing low self-esteem attracts low-esteem? 😂

Maybe you feel those other guys will steal her from you?

Hmm no, I don’t think that way. I believe that we’re dating now because she chose me and I chose her, That’s a freedom. I don’t care if some guy is trying to steal her from me. If he’s able to steal her from me and actually do then congrats to him but I don’t like to compete when it comes to relationships. I’ll be just trying be myself. If she wants to be in, be in, or out, just happily out. For me it’s like if someone one else capable of steal her from me, it’s making my commitment decision easier for like now I’m sure you’re not the one.

Ah it’s like you start judging yourself for not being as energetic and fierce. So instead of appreciating her energy (which you like, as it seems), you start judging yourself for not possessing those same qualities. Your inner critic gets activated… So be aware of that: how you start comparing yourself with her and seeing her as superior, and you as inferior…. and this is another recipe to ruin the relationship. So be aware of your inner critic…

Haha yeah that’s right. I think nowadays I’m doing comparison and get jealous even though I don’t like it

And what should I do about this superior and inferior thing other than try to see all as equal?

I’m at my hometown at my parents place and I did noticed that even though his behavior is better with me. With others he’s till same old narcissistic person who think whatever he thinks is right and others are wrong. I don’t know if I should just accept that he can’t change or if I should fight for it even more. Because the thing is that he doesn’t believe in therapy even a bit. And I feel sorry for my mother because she have to live with him.

Dear Tee,

it seems your first LDR girlfriend was severely anxious, since you said social anxiety was the reason she didn’t want to video call with you during your 3-year long relationship. Which means she was embarrassed of herself even in front of you.

Yes, She was really camera shy even to take and share pics. But I had to encourage and reassure her a lot how cute and gorgeous she is (Which she is really!)
After that she were comfortable sharing pics, videos and voice notes.

The above tells me that the dynamic in your relationship was that she needed to be “fixed”, and you were the one who was trying to help her and fix her. She felt ashamed of herself and not good enough, and you were tying to help her “work on it”. But probably the dynamic soon turned into you feeling as the superior one, “patiently waiting” for her to change, while she feeling not good enough and failing you most of the time. And being afraid of losing you.

The thing is that we can’t change other people. And you tried to change her, actually she too wanted to change, because she didn’t like her social anxiety and her excessive shame. But instead of going to therapy and working on it, she fell into this dynamic with you where a part of the time she was trying to please you and make you appreciate her. And half of the time she was probably resenting you for not accepting her as she is, for trying to change her and improve her. She needed unconditional acceptance (which she could have received in therapy), but instead she expected it from you, which was a mistake.

You probably stayed for so long in this relationship because you tend to slip into the controlling/overbearing father figure easily. So you couldn’t just leave because she was probably a challenge for you, and a part of you felt good being the superior one. Another part hated it, because she was often resisting your guidance, as it seems. She would sabotage your dates, cancel things at the last moment… almost like a teenage girl rebelling against her father.

So it seems to me like an unhealthy father-daughter dynamic. What do you think?

Well she does mentioned that she doesn’t feel good enough and she always think about what other people would think of her what if they judge her? Even with her therapist she wasn’t opening up properly. She thought that she’d judge her. And I guess to this day she’s still not opening up to her fully as she did with me. I tried to make her understood that it’s okay to opening up. Therapists don’t judge and everything you say is 100% private, but she’s not fully convinced. So she’s focusing more journaling and yoga and meditation.

I mean even though I was trying to “fix” her. I was trying not let her feel like she’s less than anything. Time to time I wrote her letters about her inner and outer beauty to reassure and gain her self-esteem. But yeah maybe it could be true and there was some unhealthy dynamic going on.

I think I understand your dynamic better now. As I said, I think there was this duality in her: on one hand she wanted to please you and do what you say, but on the other hand she was rebelling against you because you reminded her of her strict parents (probably). And so she was sabotaging your dates, she had a certain resistance against you.

Right but from what she told me her parents weren’t that strict, But she is the eldest sibling in the family so she didn’t got the attention that she needed. and I’m the middle sibling in my family so I think I can still understand.

So to answer your question: no, it’s not too much to ask for your partner’s attention. But this particular girl couldn’t give it to you because, if my assumption is right, she was rebelling against you as much as she loved you. It was the love-hate relationship on her part, I think.

Okay so it wasn’t entirely my fault.

Yeah, it shouldn’t be one-sided. The girl should show interest and initiative too. Unless you’re overbearing and don’t let them breathe. But if you’re not too intense, she should show initiative. If she doesn’t (and you’re not overbearing), it means something’s wrong, there is some resistance in her. Like there was in your first LDR.

Hmm I see, Understood. Although I’m questioning myself if I had overbearing tendencies

Also I went on a date with a doctor. And I don’t know what to say. She is actually more energetic and fiercer than me. And it was definitely making me feel intimidating. And her outfit was like idk too much??? Other guys were staring at her and it made me angry and uncomfortable same time. But I tried to not focus on that and controlled myself and not judge. Other than that I did had fun. She was opening up to me like we are old friends. Which I liked.

Dear Tee,

In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.

She did it often. And yeah if her intention matters, Mine does too. And at some point I knew I’m being overly strict about this and creating fights but I also knew like I’m not doing anything wrong just protecting something that I value more. Straight forward behavior.

Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.

Okay so in LDR, She was studying her masters and me working full time. So there was very much less time we were spending together and I felt like she wasn’t even respecting even that much little time. Just taking it for granted. Then why should I always be the first one to push things further?

having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.

You’re right. I’m having hope in lot of areas in my life except love part. I guess it times to restore hope for a loving & healthy relationships

Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.

Why am I connecting my romantic relationships to closest relationships even though I’m aware it’s not the same. It was in the past but this is the present. Wounds are there I know, But being aware about it isn’t that enough?

Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.
That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.

Hmm I guess that’s relatable

If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?’

Yes I think that’s what happens! I do know that relationships don’t work that way. But still I do crave the same intensity if I’m putting it out there and making myself vulnerable.
and the thing is like I feel duality a lot. For a moment I’m like yeah I need her I want to spend time with her, Why I can’t get the same energy back? And seek attention maybe and another moment when I get even a little doubt I’m like I don’t need anyone or her. Why do I even need her? So it’s like either extremely high or extremely low.. No balance in between with myself.
So maybe I just don’t know how to balance my emotions in healthier way

And after my breakup
And after talking some of my female friends I found out that It was wrong of me to being the pushy one.
And they said like for a woman, specially in their 20s, There are lot choices available. It’s not like only you’re being good to her. So believe it or not it gets competitive even if they don’t want it to be and they can’t decide rationally or directly the way you want them to be, and it makes them quite undecisive about things.
What do you think about that?

Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?

Well I don’t think I’m finding her weaknesses already. But I think subconsciously my mind is mostly thinks how this shouldn’t work out even though things are going well. Fear of the past you know… So far I like her cheerful behaviour.

Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.

Well yeah for me I know it’s okay. She does talks about past sometimes and regret but she knows well it won’t melt me. So she kinda accepted that.

Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.

Yes exactly and as someone who have like inferiority complex and anxiety it’s really easy for me to get intimated with new things or challenges. (Except new places and traveling 😄)
So that’s why I’m working on that

Dear Tee,

Unfortunately yes, the better they are, the less available they are. I think a good pace for therapy is once a week or maybe once in 2 weeks. If you’re seeing your therapist only once a month, it might not be enough.

Yeah definitely! And She gives lot of hard homework to do. Gives her more time.

Oh thank you for your kind words!

Well, you deserve it!

I think you said the reason you started resenting them (or one of the reasons) was that they didn’t pay enough importance to what was important to you. But instead of telling them it bothers you, you were just sulking silently and didn’t want to talk to them. You blamed them for “making you feel that way” and expected them to fix the problem, without ever telling them what’s bothering you. So, this is what I said that you should change.

So when you ask: That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right? — it’s more like you don’t say what’s bothering you (you hide your real feelings), and instead, you expect them to guess what’s bothering you and make amends. Is that how it usually happens?

Yes that what happens!

This sounds like rationalization: it could be that you’re afraid of feeling “in love” again (like you did in your first 2 relationships), because it was very frustrating and energy draining for you. And so you’re guarding yourself from that feeling, because you don’t want to feel all the “side-effects” of feeling in love again. When you think of being in love, you immediately think of the “side effects”, and it’s just cools you down immediately and makes you feel “meh”. Maybe this is what’s happening?

Yes I think so. I believe I may have to be hopeless romantic again 😂

But it could be that you’re in awe with animals, plants and nature in general, but much less with people?

This is so accurate!

Because you’re afraid of people, you believe they’ll hurt you… specially people very close to you, such as your romantic partner. So maybe you don’t see the other person with the same awe and appreciation like you see the night sky, for example?

Yup definitely!

Yeah, it’s usually not a good idea to make a move on someone on the bus   Because you haven’t even talked to her, and then out of the blue, you showed her the text saying you liked her… which is a bit too much… Next time, try a more gradual approach (even if it’s on a bus) try talking to the girl, engage her in a conversation, and see if she’s responsive or she feels uncomfortable…

Thanks for the good tip. Maybe next time when I find someone I want to go on a date with, I’ll ask you what kind of move should I make. I find those things to be very complex. Like you said just normally talking is better, But I was just making lot of different scenarios how it should work😆

Alright, so you agree that your outer critic could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. Okay, so keep that in mind next time when you start having critical thoughts about the girl you’re dating, and start feeling that she should change…

Yes I’ll practice more mindfulness on this one as well

Btw it’s interesting that you could talk about this to your ex. Does it mean you ended the relationship on good terms?

I ended my every romantic relationship in the past on good terms. So yeah, we still talk sometimes. Not to all of my exs. But this recent one and the one before this one.

Hmm.. I got the impression that you were pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time. That you weren’t telling yourself to just relax, but quite the opposite?

I mean few years back when I just started working.

Dear Tee,

Yes, you have. I’ve mentioned the inner child healing again, because it seems to me like we might be getting closer to understand the key wound of your inner child, which is lack of self-esteem and the fear of being judged. If deep down you still believe you’re not good enough, or not worthy enough, then this might be why you don’t want to be “seen”.

I believe we’re getting closer too. Heck you’re even more efficient and resourceful than my current therapist 😂

Very much so! In the Bible, it’s called the sin of omission – the failure to do something which was right and necessary. For me as a child, my father’s silence was very damaging, because I had no one to defend me. So in my mind, it meant that my mother’s judgments of me were true and that indeed, there is something terribly wrong with me.

Oh no wonder it contributed to lack of your self-esteem like my childhood

All of the above. Also, share your hopes and dreams without fear of being ridiculed, for example. Let them know if something hurts you (rather than giving them silent treatment). Let them know if you’re worried about something, discuss your feelings, rather than stuffing them and pretending that everything is okay. Let them know what you need from them, rather than expecting they should read your mind.

I think in my previous relationships I did that lot less or rarely. I did share my hopes and dreams without fear of being ridiculed. Because I’m kind of confident about talking about something that I’m passionate about. And I never felt that they are judging my hopes or dreams just because it’s not same as some other people. But like silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like it’s their fault, they made me feel this way. So now it’s their responsibility.

Well, you’ve got a strong inner critic, which so far you were mostly aware related to your career (e.g. you were scolding yourself for not doing enough work, or for lagging behind in your career goals, etc). So, the inner critic was quite obvious in your career, and you’ve been doing some important things recently to lessen his impact: you’ve learned how to have more self-compassion and stop pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time (i.e. you’ve lessened the impact of the “drill sergeant”). You’ve lessened the impossible expectations on yourself, work-wise.

Thanks for the positive progress reminders. I think for self-compassion it’s only starting but thanks to mindfulness I’m able to see some progress. Also thanks to you obviously 😀

In your relationships, I’d say that so far the outer critic was more pronounced (more than the inner critic), because you’ve been mostly critical about the girls you were with and finding faults in them. But it could be that this outer critic is just a defense mechanism, which allowed you to not go deeper with a girl, to not show yourself really. A defense mechanism against true intimacy. Because if you judge someone and feel superior to them, you don’t really want to be vulnerable with them. As you noticed it yourself, it kills the chance for intimacy:

Oh that’s right! That’s what I was thinking all along.

But that makes me think like… Is that why my heart feels in like neutral gear now? I don’t know how to explain because for so long I haven’t actually shared my heart and have a real intimacy. So even though now that doctor girl is good, I still don’t feel like anything much for her. Maybe just a little attraction but nothing more.

 

Yes, if there is this superior-inferior dynamic going on, the distance increases and intimacy becomes impossible. That’s why I am thinking that your outer critic (which is this superior, judgmental, critical persona that you tend to put on in romantic relationships) could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. This “persona” serves to protect your inner child from being seen and being hurt. This could be the shield around your heart that we were talking about…. What do you say? Do you think it’s possible?

Hmm more or less yes I think.. But I’ll still think about it more and let you know

Yes, it’s a good way to look at it – not to feel like a victim, but rather, see our childhood as something that shaped us but also something that we can grow from and transcend. I don’t know if you’ve heard about it, but there is a Japanese art of kintsugi – repairing broken pottery with gold. The idea is that our “cracks”, i.e. our wounds and painful experiences can make us beautiful, if we manage to heal them and integrate them into our life.

Right! and that’s really interesting and awesome concept to know about. Love it!

Actually yes, we can learn and grow from challenges…

Absolutely! I mean that’s why we’re all here for

Well, inner peace is important, but I think if we want to achieve it by hiding from the world, hiding from challenges, then it’s not the real thing…

Yes I agree. And I think before starting all this I just used to run away from the uncomfortable situations and emotions. But without facing we can’t actually understand the root and heal it. But as I started to face things head on my resilience got better and better and I did overcome some of my past fears. Still have to work on some fears but yeah